#759 - STEVE RENNAZZISI + JOE LIST

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHanscliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHanscliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Give me! Thanks a lot for bringing RedBan ladies to do that. And that's the best damn band in all of the land, everybody. The Killtony band. Make some noise for them, huh? You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Brought to you by prize picks, quotes, Shopify, and Zippercrooter. How we fucking feel in a night, people, huh? We're gonna watch some comedians try to do comedy tonight. It's gonna be a real hoot, nanny. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Every single week, I booked two of the funniest people I know in the world this weekend. No different. This is a special one. Down to the nitty-gritty. Just two pure fucking real stand-up comedians. Two of my favorites. Two of the best in the world. Make some noise for Jill List and Steve Rannes Easy. We are gonna have some fun tonight. Everybody, I'm excited about this one. Jill List has a new special out on YouTube called Small Ball. Welcome back, Jill. Thank you. Thanks for having me. I appreciate it. And one of my favorites since I started a true comedy store fucking comic. I used to dog sit for him. I used to house sit for him. I thought life was never gonna get any better than that. And we thought you fucked our dog too. The great Steve Rannes Easy is back. You guys have done this show before. You know how it works. About 300 insane people have signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. Some of them, some of the most promising talent of the future of the art form of stand-up comedy. Some of them are completely crazy. In fact, recently we had a guy who's just a stalker of a female comedian who did a minute just so that he could maybe get to meet her and get closer to her. Anything can happen. Anything can happen. Somehow it remains the number one live podcast in the world. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the anger West Hollywood bear. Which is just interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview absolutely anything can happen. And the whole thing is improvised. While we go wrangle that first bucket pool of the night, getting us started with a brand new minute. This young lady was discovered here on the show. And some of her last money to get on an airplane from Tampa, Florida to come to Austin, Texas live in an arena on Netflix. She got pulled out of a bucket, won a golden ticket in front of the world. Ladies and gentlemen, here with a brand new minute, make some noise for the return of young everybody. People have been asking what my type is. I'm really into Arabic guys. I find them very attractive. I like their thick hair, sharp facial features. Every time I see one on the street, I go up to the night and say, "Sir, can you please cover your hair and your skin? You make me feel very lustful." I can't help but want to touch you right now. When they don't comply, I throw rocks at them. See, when I'm rich, I'm going to throw big parties. And I'm going to invite a whole bunch of very attractive Arabic male models. So I'll pay you shit in their mouth. And I'll be really good at it. You know, I just tell them, "Hey, have a baby." Lay down. Open your mouth. This is my gift for you. It's very halal. Let me show you the Asian squat. And you fit. The great young ladies. Welcome back, young. Covering the Arabs today. Oh, yeah. Gotta hate on one on each episode. I know. You get away with racism better than anybody I've ever imagined before. If I had your delivery and face, I would be so much more racist than I am. It is tough living out here with this bone structure. But you just slice it in. You're like the nurse that gives you the shot. You don't even know it's over. But you do that with racism. You inject people with pure racism. That nurse is adorable. Thank you. You're welcome. Young, how's it going? It's been good, and I just did a show with one of my kids. Killed 20 family, Martin Phillips. When I was reading his message, I read from his voice. Thank you, yeah. It's a good impression. He sounds like RFK if he didn't do coke. That's true. That is true. Young, how's life going for you now that you're a little superstar? I still kind of broke. I need you to come to my shows, go to my website. I have a show in Austin and San Antonio and New York City, if you're in New York City. New York City? Yeah. Very nice. Great time to go to New York. Have them better than snow piles and dog shit everywhere. Very exciting. Guys, this is your first time seeing Young? Yeah. My first time seeing, I like, you're great. Great energy. Oh, thank you. It seems like you want to start a female Epstein Island, and I'm down with that. For Arab men, I'm cool with that. That seems cool. Yeah, I didn't care for your energy, but you seem like a nice person for sure. I would have liked a little more zip, not zip. Whoa, whoa. What do you call it? Oh, yeah, yeah. I love your stand up, by the way. By the way, I love you. I love you. I was just feeding off of his energy to fuck. I like you too, very nice. Ah. Do you know, like, in Chinese, we have a phrase for people who look like you. Oh, boy. Oh, jeez. Is it coming? I think you don't want to hear this. What is it? I think it's going to be nice. What is it, Young? Swim by Lay. Oh. What does that mean? I mean, nerdy pervert. Oh. I told you, Joe. I knew that wasn't going to go well. That's only half true. I am not a nerd. I just have bad eyes. I'm very, I don't know how to play chess. I fuck well. Whoa. Ooh. This is a major breaking news. You're tough, lady. You're like the black widow. Yeah. Are you black? I was like, who is this to the green? Nice. Yeah, that's cool. That's fair. I said the same thing. I told you, why can't I get an episode with bigger comedians? Oh. All right. My God. Trust me. We thought the same thing backstage too. We felt the same way. Yeah. That's why we did it better. Thank you. I appreciate that. Young. You are fearless, adorable, always crushing. Thanks for getting tonight's show started for us. What does that mean? The great young everybody. And we are often running. I've been informed that our first bucket pool of the night is behind the curtain. They have indeed been wrangled. We're going to meet this person all together. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket pool. Rock Turner, everybody. Here we go. Rock Turner. Hey. Who knows how big their dad's dick is. All right. We should know that kind of information for the ones of us that do. This shit's fucking crazy. My dad hated wearing clothes. And like, my dad, I know how big his dad, my dad's dick is. It's seared in my brain. It's right there right now. Hey, I see you. Unfortunately, he was a nudist because he had a big dick. My dad's dick was so big, it had abs. It had a Netflix account, paid its own bills. It was the only one of us that he was proud of. It's better than mom, though. You imagine your mom leaning over to wake you up for school in the morning? Her left-tit grays as your forehead. Honey, time to get up. Mom, get your tits out of my face. I'm not six months anymore. Tony? Sure, all right. I guess. I may not clear-- yeah. That's one way to end this. Is that-- I wouldn't have known when you were done. Wasn't for that Tony there at the end. Wow. That was a lot. Trauma. That's what that set was. I think you saw a lot more of your dad's dick than you're letting us on, I believe. It's pretty big, but I don't know what it looks like hard, so I don't-- right, how could you see it when it was in your ass as a little boy? Very hard to tell. Gentle, sweet, young boy ass that you had when you took-- that's what-- we have actual audio from your childhood. That's you. That's a young rock-turner. That's when you were just pebble-turner. Sweet, sweet boy. Blint to my dad's eye. How old are you, rock? 42. 42. How long you been on stand-up? About two years. What made you want to start at the age of 40? I just love making people laugh. The art form, I just wanted to do it. And I do photo and video, and it's like weddings and stuff like that. And there's a lot of dead time. So I just wanted to do something else that I also love doing, and I love comedy. So I think here goes a great thing to get into. All right, 40. And Austin, of course. You love the city of Austin. Have you always lived here? Since '01. So, most of my adult life. OK. And you-- [LAUGHTER] All right. That's here again. Yeah. Is your dad still alive? He is still alive, yeah. And you still haven't seen it hard? We have him on the line right now. We're going to ask him. We're going to have a measure, though. Rock, is that what you do for a living? You take photo and video at weddings and whatnot? Yeah, it's mostly weddings, events, corporate stuff. Crazyest thing you've ever had to do video and photography for, that's not a wedding. I did a dude's war shoot once. A what? Dude Dora. It's like, dude Dora, but with dudes. Oh. Oh. What is that? What does that mean? That's actually how I saw my dad's, dude. Dude Dora? I'm still not getting-- Dude's in their underwear. He took pictures of guys with their cops and their underwear. Yeah. That's terrible. Sex the underwear and stuff. Yeah. It was supposed to be for their wives, but-- [LAUGHTER] Our resident homophobic de-madness, flugging his ears, groaning, making a lot of noises right now. Motherfucker, talk about his dick, his dad's dick, everybody's dick, all this shit's gay. This show gay is fucked, don't-- the gay is goddamn show I ever not seen in my life. [LAUGHTER] All right. Rock, what are you doing? You and you're not doing stand-up and video photography and all that. I like to play guitar, sing, smoke weed, play games, typical dude stuff. Dude stuff. [LAUGHTER] Wow. Do you have a girlfriend? I've got a wife. I've got kids. What? [LAUGHTER] That's a left turn. I didn't see coming. I thought you lived alone. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. Yeah. The question is, have your kids seen your dick? Yeah. Is this a family tradition? That's true, have they been stuck between a rock and a hard place? [LAUGHTER] Maybe right now. How many kids do you have? I've got four kids. Jesus Christ. Rock. My God. Look at you. King Creme Pie over here. Yeah. What's the age range of these four kids? So the older two or step kids are like 26 and 20 and then the younger ones are 12 and 11. Wow. So the ones that came out of your nuts are 12 and 11. Yeah. All right. Boys, girls. One of each. Okay. What about the older ones that were in the 20s? What about them? [LAUGHTER] What exactly are you asking? They are female. I'll tell everyone except for Red Band. [LAUGHTER] There you go. All right. Rock, Turner. Interesting stuff, guys. What do we think about Ronald? I like when you talked about your mom's tits. That was great. [LAUGHTER] The visual? I mean, they seemed nice. Yeah. Pendulous. I mean, you probably have to have some nice tits to get a nice dick. Oh, dude. You lived a horrible life. [LAUGHTER] You lived like an HBO real sex life. Like those people that fuck on camera. [LAUGHTER] Am I mistaken? Isn't Brock Turner a famous rapist? Yeah. What? Oh. And it sucked, too, because when I first got into comedy, like literally, I searched my name and you know Google's like, oh, did you mean? And it didn't even give it, did you mean? It was just like, this is what you meant. Brock Turner. The brutal rapist? Everybody is trying to find my comedy. They're like, oh, this rapist, dude. It was like, Turner versus whatever case. Wow. What are the odds that Brock Turner, Rock Turner, both are rapists. This is incredible. I know. It's 50. I think 50. I think the case was exactly 11 years ago. How did you say your kid was? The fucked up part is he changes name to Alan. So now I'm closer to Brock Turner than he is. Oh, my goodness. Kid smart. I feel like if you had one minute, this bit is better than the bit you did. It is true. It's good stuff. Another bit was an amazing. Obviously it was a killer bit you did, but-- Do you have any jokes about how Rock Turner sounds like Brock Turner, a famous rapist? Well, so not only that, but this is actually not my given name. My parents name me Brock Turner, and then they unnamed me, named me Brad instead. So my real name is Brad. Why don't you just change your name to Jeffrey Bommer or something? Well, they named me after Rock Hudson, and then they found out he was gay or bison. Oh, found out. Oh, what a tough day. The Turner family. And then I became very-- Oh. He's a what? Not in my house. Yeah. See my dick, but-- Well, I can get over here. Yeah. The changing his name to Elton. Yeah. Well, Rock, you did your very best. I'm sure of that. There's a little joke book for you, buddy. There he goes. Rock Turner. That's a fun little butt hit pull. There we go. Oh, my goodness. Right on cue. Our very own Vanna White ladies and gentlemen. The great Heidi is here, everybody. Thanks so much for Heidi, everyone. She has a podcast. Go to Heidiregina.com to check it out. All right. Your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen. Looks like a new name. Makes some noise for Mark Fittman, everybody. Mark Fittman. How you doing, everyone? Nice to be here. It's coming up on Oscar season. And, you know, I used to be into it a lot more last year. I saw the best picture of Nora. In the first 20 minutes of that movie is all sex. And, you know, after that, I kind of lost the plot and just zipped up and left the theater. I don't think I'll be welcome back this year. I'm not really sure. I don't know if it's racist or not, but I program my GPS to avoid all Martin Luther King Boulevard. Just figure out by past that. I do think racism is getting a little bit better. As I get older, it seems a lot better. I mean, I'm getting really good at it. I've come from my house. You know, my grandfather had a cat that was named the N word. Well, it's just ended there. I love it. Mark Fittman. Welcome. Welcome, sir. How are you? Good. Good to see you. How long you been doing stand up? This is like the sixth mic I've done, basically. Wow. Look at you. Natural. I did some improvisational acting back in the 90s. Nice. Can we ask you how old you are? I am 59. 59. You look the same age as Rock Turner. He's 42. Incredible. So what made you want to start stand up nowadays? You know, my kids are in college now, and I've got a little more time. I travel for a living, so I've been hitting mics as I travel. That's awesome. What do you do for a living? I work in a consulting business. We basically give, like, CEOs really smart things to say. Yeah, okay, very cool. You've been doing that your whole life? - No, not all the time, I worked in the car business for a while. - What were you doing in the car business? - I was a body and fender man painter. - Hell yeah. - Okay, I love it. - In your kids are in college, you still married? - Oh yeah, yeah. - Nice, how long you've been married for? - I've been married for 22 years. We actually married, divorced for two years then got reaped. - Ooh, let's talk about it. I love that. I knew the second he came out here. I go, this is gonna be great. - 'Cause you know, we get a lot of these fucking kids up here and what not, nobody's got a life story. I try to get the best out of the interviews with people. Sometimes when someone comes out here, I can just tell it's gonna be a good interview. And here we go. You may have just answered a lot of people's questions on how to save a marriage. It's getting a divorce. - Yeah, it works 'cause you end up, you know, figuring some things out about each other and realizing no one else wants you. - How deep-- (audience laughs) - How deep into your marriage? - That's fantastic. - How deep into your marriage, did you get the divorce? - We were about 11 years in. - I love it, 11 years in. So did you get the divorce and you guys just started banging whatever you wanted? Basically, is that the deal? - No, I think the trouble was we couldn't bang anything we wanted. - What do you mean? - We couldn't find anybody else. - Oh, I love that. That's amazing. (audience laughs) - So what was it like when you guys like rekindled? Are you already had kids or-- - Yeah, yeah, we had our kids and, you know, I would go over there to put them down, see them off for the night and try and visit with them, spend time with them, then I invited them over for Thanksgiving and then we just started back up. - I love it, that's amazing. Wow, Steve, what do you think about this? - Dude, so you had a halftime in your marriage, right? That was like, you went back, you studied game film, you're like, I can't fuck anything else. I wonder if she's having sex. And what was it, Convo, like, when you guys circled? It seemed like you just circled the parking lot and you just were like, hey, these are the best spots we can get. (audience laughs) Let's just go back together. What was that conversation like when you were like, are you happy or how did you feel? - We were both like, well, we both lost some weight. (audience laughs) - That's awesome. - Awesome. - That's great. - Oh my God. - I don't have, I'm just enamored. I want you to be my dad. You're like, you're such a cool customer. You've done six mics. - Well, I feel like you have no nerves whatsoever. - Yeah. - I've got a few. - Oh, okay. Well, you're very, are you on drugs? - Yeah. - Oh. - Like, in April, I'm sure blood pressure medicine is something, right? - I'm on blood pressure medicine. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Dr. Ranna's easy. - Hey man, I see rosacea. I know my own, I know I got it. - I'm on blood thinners. I almost died on Super Bowl Sundays. - This past Super Bowl Sunday? - Yeah, yeah. - I know that halftime show pissed me. - I know. (audience laughs) - Oh, that's fucking scary. - Oh, that's fucking scary. - I take the blame for that by the way. I don't think I've acknowledged that on the show. - What falls? - That is my fault. - That's the pendulum swing in the other way, Tony. - No doubt about it. That's common. - You're making up for your mistake. - What's that? - Everybody's making up for your mistake. - Yes. - Exactly. - That guy dancing on telephone poles and whatnot. (audience laughs) - Amazing. Tell us about your near-death experience. - Well, I have a, it's called a bilateral hemat-- - Blood clots in my lungs. - I have a by heart as well. (audience laughs) - Okay. - Yeah. (audience laughs) - Bilateral pulmonary embolism. - Nice. - So what did that feel like? - It felt like a heart attack. I couldn't breathe. You know, my heart rate went up to like 147. And yeah, it was pretty rough. - 47's bad, right? - Yeah, it's pretty bad. - Well, for you, it's probably-- - Yeah. - That's your resting heart rate. - Yeah. (audience laughs) - Jesus Christ, Red Band. - So you, was this during the actual Super Bowl? - It was before. - Okay. - So you went to the hospital? - Yeah, yeah. I went to the urgent care and they said, "Yeah, I think this EKG looks like shit. "You better go to the emergency room." - I love it. I love it. - Mark, what else about your life? Tell us more about you. Any hobbies or any fun facts about you? - Um, you know, I just do a lot of family stuff. I like old cars and working on those. I don't have any at the moment, but, you know, I think there was some girl selling a Mustang around here somewhere. - I think I remember that. I love it. So six open mics. What was the improvisational experience that you have? - So I went through a class as a second-city and improv Olympic and then did a bunch of stuff around there. - Is that in LA? - In Chicago, right? - Yeah. - In Chicago, right? - Yeah. - Wow, is that where you live? - No, I live in Kansas City now, but I used to live in Chicago. - You ever see the bean? - Yeah. - You know about the bean. - I know about the bean. - I still don't believe it's real. - What made you move to Kansas City? - I moved there for work. - Okay. Very cool. - And, uh, hell yeah. - So what do you do when you're on the road to talk about your. you have a lot of travel experience. Any travel tips for people? - I developed a special power. - Ooh. - Yeah. I can, with my eyes closed, tell you, what hotel I'm in just by the lotion. [ Laughter ] - Ooh! - Can you describe this to us? - I think the Marriott adds some kind of synthetic in air. - Yes. - For sure. - Would you be willing to jerk off in front of all of us, don't you know? [ Laughter ] - We're all gonna see our dads dick tonight. [ Laughter ] - I love it, Mark. - Kids turned out good? - Yeah, yeah. I got one in KU, one in K state. - Females? - Yes. - Oh, my God. - You're a hard female there, Red Bear. - They are female? - Asian Red Bear. [ Laughter ] - Mark, you're the man. Come back again, sign up some time. You're our first big joke book of the night. - Oh, no. - Mark Fitman. How fun. [ Cheers and applause ] - I'm gonna keep it moving along here. As we go to our next bucket pool, everybody. He goes by the name of Saul Wilson. We're gonna meet Saul together. For more time for Saul Wilson, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] - How's it going? You know, the modern world is different. You know, brownie points used to mean one thing, but now it means a higher chance of anal. [ Laughter ] - And if you remember, there's a pilot shortage. I'm not sure if it's still going on, but begs the question. Did anyone ask the band 21 pilots for help? [ Laughter ] I know their sound. It's not that complex. I think it could have spared like 16 or like 17 pilots. [ Laughter ] I find it strange that we name storms after people. Like, is that like all like ex-girlfriends of ex-boyfriends? You know, just like a meteorologist looking forward to a hurricane? It's like, yeah, like you fucking, you like my brother more? Katrina, let's see if there's a hurricane coming. [ Laughter ] But then I realized we even name -- [ Laughter ] And then I realized we even name diseases after people. Like leukemia. I named after some black lady somewhere. [ Laughter ] All right. Saul Wilson. Welcome back, Saul. How are you? I remember you. How's life been going, Saul? [ Laughter ] Auto-sable. What? Same old, I guess? Same old. Okay. Tell us about that. What do you do for work, Saul? Just anything with my car, are these days? Like, it's make money. Your car? You drive? Yeah. You Uber, you Uber eats. That type of style. Yeah, all the above. Nice. Anything crazy happened in the back seat of your car lately? No, no. [ Laughter ] How about the front seat? Just -- How about in the driver's seat? [ Laughter ] Wrong. Wrong. [ Laughter ] That's not a road rage. All right. You have road rage? Yeah. I bet some people like would have recognized me as the guy that, like, flipped it off in traffic. Oh, you're a big flipper offer, huh? Is that your move? I feel like that's why I'm here. It's -- it's -- it's delusional. All right. Saul. [ Laughter ] I never see those people driving way faster than when I'm passing them, right? Okay. Red band. [ Laughter ] Boy. Can't tell which one's Saul and which ones are red band. [ Laughter ] Nothing coming from anywhere. I love it. Brownie points, 21 pilots. I barely got anything that you talked about tonight, Saul. What's your writing process, like? Uh, I don't know. And, like, Norm McDonald's my biggest inspiration. So just kind of his cadence. Wow. All right. [ Laughter ] Well, yeah. Can I do a bit on Norm? Can you what? No. What? You're like, can I do a bit on Norm McDonald? Can you do a bit of Norm McDonald's? Yeah, about him. About him? I don't know if you're happy to hear a real joke, right? Yes, exactly. Anything. Sure. Anything funny. Do anything. Well, you know, they say you're not supposed to say bad things about people that have died. But, you know, Norm McDonald's my biggest inspiration. And I'm probably not as funny as him, but, you know, at least I could drive myself. Saul. Shit, man. [ Laughter ] Holy shit, dude. Saul, how long have you been doing stand-up? Not long enough. Yeah. Name a number or something. Describe better than that. How long you've been doing stand-up? As far as writing. - Yeah, like two years. - Okay, how many open mics do you think you go to a week? - Yeah, not enough. - Okay, Saul, you're gone. Get out of here. Goodbye, Saul. - Thank you so much. - There he goes. Like I was saying, when Mark Fittman was up here, sometimes you get someone a little younger, doesn't quite get the interview process of the show, doesn't have a wealth of life experience to draw from. Answers every question with, not enough. - Great energy though. Unbelievable. - He's got that zippy we're looking for earlier. Back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun out there? - All right. - Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Ty Marion. Everybody, here comes Ty Marion. Oh, here we go. Ty Marion. - Since my accident, my dating life has sucked. The last summer before it happened, man, I was fucking killing it. I thought I was dating one girl, told me she wanted me to talk more during sex. So I did. And then she got mad and broke up with me. And I was like, I kind of think this is your fault because when you told me you wanted me to talk more during sex, you should have specified that it was to you and not on the phone. But you called my dad. Like yeah, 'cause we're like cool, you know? And I feel like you should have known that, especially since your dad and I graduated together. (audience laughing) Another girl I dated, she played super hard to get. And when we finally hooked up, it was at a church. She just laid there and kept staring at me real weird. So I had to put coins over eyes. Luckily, though, she was Asian, so I only had to use pennies. (audience laughing) But if you can't tell, I'm a Jew, so when I finish, I had to take them back. (audience laughing) Thank you. (audience applauding) All right, Ty Marion. Welcome. You've been on this show multiple times before Joe. List, what do you think about Ty? I think he looks like rock turner in disguise. (audience laughing) We may have a false bucket pull here. (audience laughing) No, that was good, that was funny. Ty, you've been on this show before, this is your first time with a walker. Yes, so literally last time I was on the show, I talked about how I got hit by a car while I was on a live scooter and I was like, I was fine, I told you I was going to limp it off. Two days later, I was on a scooter again. This time, no car, just the street, fucking headfirst straight into the ground. Really? Yeah, I broke my arm in a couple spots, tore my patellite and it completely off. It's been six months and I got six more months to go. And you landed headfirst? No, somehow, I guess, which, you know, I got a big fucking head somehow. I hit something and it locked the wheel and turned it. So I didn't get like thrown off. I was basically catapulted straight into the ground like this sideways. This arm was completely backwards and the knee was like, all fucked up. Can we see the video? No, unfortunately, didn't have any of the actual incident. I got a shit ton from that shitty ass hospital though. You got a what? Shit ton of videos from the shitty hospital that I went to. Why do you have video from the hospital? It was so fucking bad. It's the worst experience you can think of. I get put in, not even a room, I get in a hall. Big ass sign that says, keep this area clear at all time. And I'm like, I got a, this isn't supposed to be me, I think. You know? Like, this is something wrong. Like, I mean, I didn't realize-- Talk about this at all in your stand-up conversation. Yeah. I've been back on the road lately since the incident took about three or four months. That was not supposed to be a pun. Fuck you, don't laugh. But I've been back on the road. Telling us about the hospital visit, where were there doctors visiting you in the hallway that they put you in? OK, so pull the curtain back a little bit. My best friend is one of your producers and was there within five, 10 minutes of this happening. He had to help the-- I mean, it starts from the EMS mother fucking lazy people. He had to help pick me up off the fucking ground because these two EMS people there had no idea how to pick up a 6,200 pound guy off the ground with one fucking leg and one arm. And so they finally get me on the thing-- the thing after they figured out how to raise it up. And then I get into the ambulance. And then they call me, and they're at the hospital wondering where I'm at. And I'm still on the fucking back of the ambulance, sitting at the-- where I got fucked up. And I'm like, where are y'all at? They're like, we're here. Are you here yet? And I'm like, no, I'm in the same spot in the EMS. I'm like, you're at the hospital? Yeah, traffic's real bad. And I'm like, how long has it been? They're like, 45 minutes. Like, holy fuck. Because I mean, they started juicing me right away. Right. I mean, it was obvious, like, I was fucked up at the moment. And then I get to the hospital, besides putting me in the hall. I never got to leave because I had emergency surgery because I almost lost my leg. But I mean, I make a lot of, like, sarcastic jokes about it. But they're very close to about what it was real. Like, I almost didn't get an IV bag. It was like a Capri Sun, basically, you know? Like, my insurance is so fucking bad. No gown, Joe's Crab Shack bib. Nuts all out, you know? [ Laughter ] This is amazing. And then for some reason, that fucking hospital, coldest hospital, I've ever been in, you know what I mean? And I'm trying to. -Got shrinkage? -Yeah. -Yeah, sucks. In a hospital gown, that sucks. -And I don't know about you guys, but I got a scrubs fetish. So when I see these latinas walking around, fucking caked up, I'm like, oh, yeah. The problem is I got one arm, you know? So I'm kind of like, oh, so I'm like. No sympathy pussy. All my boys sense this. You're going to get so much sympathy pussy. Six months, two questions. When? When the fuck does that start? What do I got to do? Is there a form? And am I doing something wrong? Because I'm ready. -Ready? -Fell on my knee, not my weenie. You know what I mean? Like, what's up? -Yeah. -What hospital was it? -Here in Austin, Seaton. Fucking, I don't know, this went up here in 38. There's something, 39. -Oh, you worked there? Is that my nurse? -Was there a Seaton animal hospital? -Yeah, we are getting word that you were taken to an animal hospital. Your insurance is so bad they took you to the vet. I believe they thought you were some kind of a rangatang or something like that. -It makes sense, then, yeah. But no, a crazy thing that happened is, and this is true I do talk about it too, is. I honestly felt like I was going to be molested at the hospital because I had the nurse that was going to take me to the operating room was a little, like, five foot, 300 pound Hispanic boot. His name was one on his thing, but he crossed it off and he wrote poppy chulo. So, first, I was like, oh, this might be like a pimp kind of thing. No, that's, for sure, his grinder profile name. This fucker kept trying to give me spawns bass, and I'm like, dude, I'm not that dirty, right? And then, they're like, oh, he's going to give you the anesthesia. I'm like, oh, for sure, I don't want this guy giving me anesthesia. I'm fucking trying to fight it and stay away. I'm like, I think I can walk it off, boys. I think I'm going to be fine. No, and then, and then, like, I swear it's probably the anesthesia. I felt like he leaned over right before I passed out and he was like, the safe word is deductible. I'm like, what? No, no. Wow. It's fucking horrible. Did you get de-clawed? What? You get de-clawed? Redman, I know where you're not on the list. I use a fake name. No, I figured they would have at least tricked you one time with the pizza and grape soda line, and you'd be the only person. You'd be the only one to come back from Epstein's Island and complain about false advertising. Ty is on fire. They didn't have any pizza rolls, hot pockets, bagel bites, nothing. Ty Marion, how long were you in that hospital for? About 24 hours. 24 hours. What's that, a dog years? Yeah. I noticed the first time you were on the show, you got robbed, and there was how you murdered somebody or something like that. The second time you were in an accident, the third time you were in an accident. Does it seem like your life, like you're not doing great at it? Like, are you literally just saying the inward we're walking down the street and shitting on people or something? Like, why is so much negative energy coming to you? I think because you asked the question. You got to get it out. There you go. You got it out. I took them a little while longer. Take a while. Yeah, really? Your memory's wrong. The first time I was on, I was really fat, and I ended up singing songs. The second time I was on, I was a little too stoned off an edible. Third time, I talked about killing the guy. This is the fourth time. I don't like talking about that. That was the last time on. I don't like that set. But you had gotten into a scooter accident then. Two days later, after that, this happened. Right. And everybody's like, oh, did you like your, didn't like your set that much? You just tried to, you know, I'm like, no, it was fine, you know? I feel like I'm maybe taking that extra step trying to get closer to, you know, golden tickets or whatever, you know. But we'll see what people do. That's how it goes. Not handicapped enough for a golden ticket, my friend. Well, actually, now that you bring that up, the last time I was on, I mentioned that I was autistic, but according to Dr. Hinchcliff, I guess I'm not retarded enough. It's OK. No, you're doing good. Yeah, I mean, I literally, I do have a, like, a literal diagnosis of it. It didn't happen until my 30s. So when you go 30 plus years of like going, what the fuck is wrong with everybody? And then you find out everybody's thinking the same thing about you. Things a little weird. I love it. Ty, do you have, are you in love with somebody? No. You go on any dates? Yeah, I date a little bit here and there, but I mean, obviously since the last six months, I guess if you didn't hear it, it's not going so well. Right. Your fuck legs broken, right? What? Your fuck leg? The one you really give a thrust? It's the one that you do, like-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Good job. - Good job. -You get that rhythm going, you know? -It's tough. -The little knee-slap room once in a while. -Yup. -I want to give away too much. [ Laughter ] -Fonesai, who makes all the great joke books here, made one that's covered in hair. And since you're always in a very hairy situation, I figure who better than you, Ty Marion. There you go, my friend. -Thank you, both. [ Cheers and applause ] -A fun interview, Ty Marion crushing it in the interview portion, talking about his real life. Take note that when people talk about their real life, it works. -It's amazing, right? -All right. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Angel, everybody. One word name, Angel. ♪♪ -Hi, there, folks. My name's Angel. People in the street approach me and they call me autistic. I don't think it's very nice. 90% of the people I meet think I'm autistic. The other 10% just don't talk to me. I'm very scared to be here tonight, but I'm very proud to be Latino. How many of you here in the audience is-- it's fucking Texas. Let me hear it. -Ariva! Yeah, gracias. I grew up for the longest time not knowing dogs got bigger than puppies. I thought all dogs naturally died a parvo. I just didn't know. [ Laughter ] I grew up with the Latino stepdad and he was great until, you know, occasionally, we would just drop the n-bom at Walmart. Like, I don't know where, like, what's going on? You can't be saying that in this Walmart specifically. Where'd you fucking learn that word, dad? He goes, "At work, well, you shouldn't be using it unless we're at a home people. When we got people behind our back, we got the web backs helping us out in case of a race riot, right?" -Oh, God. Um, I'm bad at dating, guys. Thank God. Let's fucking get this over with. -Angelo. Jesus Christ, man. Have you ever done this before? I get really anxious when I'm on stage. -Oh, this is a great job for you, then. I thought of it as a way to sort of get me out of my comfort zone, do the hardest thing possible first, and then come back into something easier, like welding or something. -I think welding might be your calling. -Thank you, Tony. -Okay. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy, angel? -This is my third and a half year doing stand-up comedy. -Third and a half year. Well, let's talk about your work ethic. -Yes, sir. -When you say three and a half years, what, what, what, how hard are you working? -So, it wasn't until the second and third year I didn't get to do more than, like, three mics. Or I wasn't able to do more, before that, I wasn't able to do more than three mics a week. Second year, 2023, 2024, 2025. I was able to, like, really kick into high gear here at Austin, creaking the cave, really opening up their arms to me at their midnight mics, and I just, kind of, was able to go, like, five, 10 times a week. I did eight mics at one night on a Wednesday, fucking bomb, fucking baller. -Eight times. -Yeah, that's my record, Tony. It might not be much. -Wow. -What do you do for work, angel? -Sir, I used to be a traveling temp, but recently I settled down two weeks ago to be, like, a technician where I assemble, like, those emergency lights for police vehicles. -How did you learn how to do that? -Well, they just need Mexicans with good hands, to build lights with LEDs. I'm, like, as strong 60% of the workforce where I work is, like, Latinos. -You 100% Mexican? -No, sir. I'm Chicano, which means I'm half Mexican, half American. My dad's American. My mom is Mexican as fuck. -How many siblings do you have? -I've got nine counting last year. -Wow. -Yep, you're Mexican. -Where do you fall in the nine? -I am the second oldest of the nine. I have eight sisters, one older one. -Sorry. -Keep going. -I have eight sisters. And as of last year, I have one brother finally. It took only nine siblings until I got a brother. And it's-- can I just say that I grew up with eight sisters. And all the houses was awful because I can never blame a comsock in anybody. I can now, the one-year-old, or half-year-old. -Wait, what does that mean? -If there was a comsock in the hamper, they couldn't blame anyone but me because I'm the only male of the nine siblings. -But you just said half-year-old, what does that mean? -My younger brother, he was just born last year. He's not even a year-old. -Oh, wow. -But I can blame it on him in a couple of years, I guess. -How old are you, angel? -I'm 26, sir. -Your mom is still making babies? -No, my dad is. -Oh, okay. -My mom stopped four years ago. -Nice. -Her jersey is hanging in the rafters at a cheat cheese and somewhat. But your dad found a new baby mama, huh? -He's had the same one for the last 10 years and she's just ragged and broken down. -Wow. -How many kids does she have? -1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. I think six kids? I think six kids? -Sace. -Wow. -I think six. -Wow. -Seer dad's just banging out. -He won't fucking stop, Tony. -My goodness, okay, angel. -What are your hobbies? -Oh, I like the boulder. -What? -I like the boulder. -Climb. I like to rock climb. -Yes, yes, yes. I like to journal at coffee shops and peep at the fine ladies at the cafe. -Oh, I bet they love that. I bet they love you just sitting there staring at them. -Well, typically I'm there at 2 a.m., so they love it. -At the coffee shop? -Yeah, there's a 24-hour coffee shop venue, shout out. -Okay. -I'm gonna love it there. Just be there two in the morning, check out the babes. -Wow. -The babes that come in for coffee at 2 a.m. -It's mostly dudes. -Okay. -All right. -Guys, what do we think about angel? -I don't know what to think, but I do think a woman can have a come side. Because the come comes out, and then you wipe it. -I'm just saying, like, if you get-- -Yeah, come bit. -Combit. -Yeah. -She's got all the come inside of her. -Yeah. -Where the sock came from. -Yeah. -I can get that. -Yeah. -You could have blamed it on your sister. -Yeah. -I tried so hard every year for the first 16 years before I got kicked out. -Did any of your sister's friends want to fuck you? -No. They were all younger than me. -Oh, god. -There's eight of them. -Yeah, but I'm the oldest. A second oldest. The first oldest was like a, you know, one of those illegitimate babies from another, maybe Mama. And so, like, I didn't get to get raised with her. I didn't meet her to Easter when I was, like, seven. -You didn't meet her to Easter. -When I was seven, yes. -Wow. -Wow. -Yeah. -My family's different. -Yeah, a little different. -Just one of everyone. All my family members pretty much early on. I got them all. -Yeah, I have a sister I met her day one. -Yup. -First day came out. There she was. -Yup. -No one ever since. -All together, the first Easter. The first one we ever had. Angel, other than having all these siblings, what do you think is the most Latino thing about you? -The most Latino thing about me is my work ethic, actually. -Oh, shit. Good answer, dude. -Well, here's the thing. Like, I'm privileged. I'm a, you know, born citizen of the United States. But a lot of Latinos who don't come to this country with that, you know, privilege have to work their asses off to barely make a minimum wage, to break even. They're pretty much working for nothing. That's me, I'm a starving artist. Up until recently, I haven't had a full-time job. I've been sort of bumping it for the last four years to attempt jobs, the festivals, factories, bodegas, such and such. -You don't strike me as starving or an artist. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -Sorry. -I'm kidding, of course, I don't. [ Laughter ] -Angel, what do you think the whitest thing about you is? You claim to be half white? Let's hear the whitest thing about Angel. -When I spoke words like labor, I spelled L-A-B-O-U-R, the British way. -Whoa. -Okay. -Now, even though you're not black at all, I'm gonna go for it. What do you think the blackest thing about you is? [ Laughter ] -I love fat white women. -Wow, look at that brutal honesty. That tracks -- [ Cheers and applause ] -When you say you, yeah, go ahead. -But have I ever -- have I ever smitten a white fat woman? -For no. -You've never -- [ Laughter ] -I think you mean smothered. [ Laughter ] -Oh, I want to get smothered. -You've never been with a big white woman. -No, can I -- can I be honest to the entire world right now? -Yes, you can. I've actually never been with the woman before. -Wait, what? -Yeah, never. -You're a virgin? -I'm a woman virgin, yes. -Are you a man virgin? -No, I'm not a man virgin. Tell us about this. -Oh! -Was it an accident? [ Laughter ] It happened -- it happened too many times for it to be an accident, guys. No. -Oh, what? -Let's talk about it, Angel. -I didn't know it was pansexual, Towson College, but at that point, you know, pansexual means you're like, "Oh, the genders, but the only genders are like me were the fellas." And so, you make do with what you got, right, fellas? You make do with what you got. -No, you make do with what you got. Let's talk about this, Angel. -Yes, sir. -So. [ Laughter ] -You make good with what you got. [ Laughter ] -Got into it. We're into it now with Angel. So, when did you realize you were pansexual? And what's -- explain to me the difference, 'cause. -The deep dish? What is that? -Yeah. -What does that mean? -I don't know what that means. -Yeah. -I'm pretty sure red pansexual. -Pansexual? -Is red pansexual? I see you as a toggle pizza plate. -Perying pansexual. [ Laughter ] So, what's the difference between pansexual and bisexual? Bye bye, sexual. This is just your traditional woman or man, nothing in between. Pantsexual is despite the gender or the genitalia, you love them for the personality and who they are. So whether they're male, female, trans male, trans female, non-binary, a sexual, such and such. - Have you been with trans people? - I have been with trans gender people, yes. - But everything that you've been with was born originally with a penis. - Yes, considered a map assigned to male at birth. - Wow, I can't believe someone that knows this many genders signed up for this show. - This is amazing. - Just goes to show that anyone can sign up. The door is wide open here. We give anybody an opportunity. I just learned what a pansexual was today, everybody. All right, so how many different dudes do you think you've been with? Give us a ballpark. - Do you have to answer that? I'm really ashamed of that answer. - Okay, give us a ballpark. That's exactly what we want. - Solid 40. 40. Wow. - All right, turns out he's gay, everybody. That's not a pansexual at all. - That's gay, dude. - That's not it. You're a gay man, and that's all right. - I want women, though. I want to meet a woman. So what the fuck are you going to, you're just going to butt fuck a woman? - I know. - You're just going to throw a ball, get backwards hat on her, and hit it from behind. - What the fuck are you talking about, angel? - Tony, I really do. I really want the love of a nice woman, to be honest with you guys. - What makes you want a woman? - You've been with over 40 men. What do you think it is that you're missing out on? Leave 'em all alone. Other than-- - Thank you, red band, thank you so much. - Oh, you're going to get fucked, dude. He said he's been in a fat white dude, basically. - He's fucked, dude. - Oh, yeah. He's going to pepperoni your pizza, dude. Oh, my God. Look at this guy, he's getting in his comfort zone. Look how happy he is. All right, so what do you think it is that a woman has that you want? - Tender. - Love. - You should say pussy, vagina. - Hey, the third thing, dude. - Wait your turn. - By the way, I'm saying Tender first is the gayest thing you've been hit on the show. - You want to suck dick, dude, that's cool, suck dick. - I don't want to suck dick. - Put it for the rest of my life. I want to suck vagina. - I want to suck a partner. - On Angel's top 10 gayest moments of this interview. - Yes. - Try to find my equal. - Somehow, I hooked up with 40 dudes is the second gayest thing you've said. (laughing) - Tender. - But I got a stender. - You haven't lived until you sucked vagina. - Yeah. - I want a suck vagina, so bad. - You got that heavy clint in your mouth and you're like, this is going to work. - Oh, yeah. - Oh, my God. - Wait, when you said you were ashamed, I thought of the number. I thought it was going to be higher or lower. - 400, I thought I was going to get it. - 40 is like, that's pretty, it's okay. - I've only been having sex since I was 21. - I thought you fucked Harvey Milk. - Who's Harvey Milk? - All right, that's okay. - No, no, no, no. - 20 things. - So you've been fucking for five years, 40 guts. That's eight guys a year. - Right? - On average, yeah. But I mean, statistically, you know, they're about-- - Tistically, that's almost one a month. - Well, they're about of like more than one a month. There is a solid like month where I don't even remember the number. - Oh my God. - Wow. - What blackout month for you? Was that what-- - I was selling cars at a dealership and I was just so stressed out, I just had to do something to get the stress out. - Was that your closing deal? You're like, buy this car and I'll suck your car? - Yeah. - Kia? - That's great. - So are you on the gay dating apps? - Yes. That's it, yes. - Let me ask you that. - You transgender women, though. - Okay, so that's your favorite kind? - Not favorite kind, I just-- (laughing) - Oh, gee. - Come here, come here, come here, come here. Go pee, Andy. Oh God, just peck that, Andy. You know what I don't know. (laughing) The whole demon is gonna quit the fucking show if he comes back here right now. Gonna have a whole new bass player next week. Oh my God. - He's had enough, dude. - No, but you're not. (laughing) - Are you on point, dude? - And he was like, I gotta take a piss. I gotta take a piss, I gotta take a piss. (laughing) - So, Angel, you've been with over 40 dudes. You've been with zero women, but you want to be with a woman. If you were to go on a date with a woman, tell us. What's the first thing you would, where would you take her? Where would you go? - Well, first thing is I wanna, you know, decide on the situation. I wanna take her somewhere public where she knows I'm not a threat. It's like, perfect. - Like a coffee shop. - Oh my God. - Coffee shop. The king of the coffee shop. - And then? - Come on in, Andy. - We're talking about him trying to hook up with women. You're gonna love this. You're gonna love this, dude. - Put your, put your, put your earphones in, Andy. Put 'em in. We're gonna, we're gonna play some, we're gonna play some straight music for you while we interview Angel. Okay, so you're gonna take her to a coffee shop? - Coffee shop. - Uh-huh. - And then ideally we go bouldering, which is rock climbing Tony. - Uh-huh. - And then we ended the evening before sunset. We put up the hammock on either Lady Bird Lake or at Barton Springs and we hang out on the hammock together until the sun sets. - You do that sometimes? You hang a hammock? - Wow, you're so nice. - Oh, it's nothing hammock for like a solid summer. - Wow, that's not the one. - Not the most bent your backsever been. - No, I'd love it. - I know you do. - It's only like ripped open in the middle and I just like fucking hit the ground in my ass. - Oh yeah, there it is. And all the cum squirts out everywhere. - It's landed on a dick. (laughing) - That's funny. Wow, okay, Angel, this interview's going on way too long but there, I have one more, one more unbelievable area to cover here. So, let's say you get this lady back to your place, right? You've never been with a woman before. What's your first move that you make on her? If she's like, let's just say she went and she was like, "Angel, I want you to do whatever "you want to do with me. "I'm just gonna let you take over. "What do you do?" - The first 15 minutes? - Sucker cock. - Yeah. - You just go there. You just air sucking. Yeah, look for that cock that's not there. Just air sucking a cock. All right, now go ahead, Angel. - This is something I believe in the first 15 minutes. She's just dedicated to the tongue and it's just, I'm gonna put my tongue all over the person's body from top to bottom. - Whoa, all right. So much for all that. Baker, Baker, not think you're creepy thing. - Kisses on the neck down to the chest. - Okay. - Kisses down further to the head. - They have pussy, dude. - I'm getting there. - Yeah. - It's just 15 minutes. - 15 fucking minutes, Angel. - I'm serious. - Nobody wants to tongue kiss you for 15 minutes, dude. - No, I'm tongue kissing them. - I'm gonna wait. - Again, it doesn't matter who's kissing who. - Wait a second. Are you a nurse at the hospital on 38th Street? (audience laughing) Are you poppin' chulo? (audience laughing) We found poppin' chulo, everybody. - Hold on. - Hold on. Hold on. Don't you grab that fucking mic stand till I tell you to use son of a bitch? The only person that wants me to kick you off the stage right now is de-madness. So here we go. We're getting to the gold now. So you get down to the vagina, hold the mic down to your hip and face that front, face the audience, face them. Stop lookin' at me like that. Now show us, now show us how you would eat a vagina. 'Cause first time doing this, ladies and gentlemen, just pretend like it's there in front of you. Pretend like you're, pretend like she's in the, no, you don't need to use the mic. - Take it, dude. - Take it, dude. - Take off the tree, dude. - Take the holes of that. - Holds of that, dude. - He's still trying to put a dick shake thing. - Why do you think it's mouth? - Put that away. - Let's say she's in the hammock, hanging in your bedroom at that exact height. Her pussy is right in front of your face. Show us exactly what you would do. Wait, what? (audience laughing) He's gonna give it raspberries. - Whoa! - He's so Latino, he's giving it raspberry. - I remember. - Oh, man. - You didn't mean to spit on you, did I'm sorry? - He accidentally spit on the very tough looking guy in the front row. - You got eights now. - Oh, you got eights. - Very good. - Just mouth aids, dude. Just mouth aids. That's okay. - It's just the spin of 40 dudes come. - Oh. - It's not that big of a deal. Don't be a homophob. - There's no pussy juice in that. - I'll tell you that right now. (audience laughing) You clear that? - What was the action that you'd, why would you blow on it like that? - I was just being kind of like facetious with the excited one to like be genuine and then you make fun of me for that. Are they make fun of me for doing something stupid? But if I really was gonna go down in a woman, I would really just use a lot of my lip and my tongue as if-- - Shut up. - Latino, hit the spotlight again. - Whoa! - Whoa. - Wait, no, no, no, face the crowd. Again, you're, there you go. - Wait, what are you doing? - I'm getting ready. - Okay, okay. - He's getting ready. I'm getting ready to eat some fucking pussy sound, eh? (audience laughing) - Don't let the teeth in the tongue, the tongue, the tongue, the teeth in the lips. (audience laughing) - Two, one. Pussy eating time. - Whoa. - Wait, after 15 minutes of sensual kissing, you're just going fucking-- - She's gonna love it, dude. - She's gonna love it. - Do you know why? - If I can do that, I got the strength in my tongue 'cause I was a musician for 10 years. I was a tuba player. - You were, what? - A tuba player. - How many tubas you suck? (audience laughing) - Oh my God. The horn players are thinking about retiring now. They're like, "God dammit." - I said it, it had to be a fucking loser. - I'm just kidding with this fucking loser. (audience laughing) - What are you saying? (audience laughing) - Okay, so you ate or pussy, then what are you gonna do? You gonna, then what? Make a love to her. - Yeah. - Go to the bathroom and throw up. (audience laughing) - It's about the genuine connection, guys. You have to talk to the person you're with, so I'd ask her if she wasn't already like, you know, hot and bothered. I would say, "What do you want me to do?" But if not, I'm just gonna go full insertion. - Oh, wow. - Oh, dude. (audience laughing) - Wow. - She'll be bothered. - Yeah, yeah. (audience laughing) - She got t-shirts that says full insertion. (audience laughing) - You'd sell a million of 'em. (audience laughing) - Let me ask you this. - Did your father, who's made what appears to be about 15 children? - Does he have any idea that you've been with 40 men or hook up with dudes at all? - Not at all. - Wow. - Come on out, dad. (audience laughing) Padre. (audience laughing) - You have a fat, keep your own from the back? - Wow. Wow. Angel. Incredible. Have you ever kissed a woman? No. - Oh. Wow, well, you know what? Only here on Killtony, do we have a fan base of some of the greatest females that have ever existed. We have a historical 13, almost 14 year reputation of a segment called Kiss Me, where a young lady from the audience are an old lady, or if no one else wants to, a gay dude in the crowd, can come up and give this man his first kiss from a female. Is there a lady out there? We have the best fans in the world. Is there a woman out there willing to give this very gay man his first kiss from a woman? Is there any black man? (audience laughing) No, not a single woman wants to kiss a gay guy. - This is my dilemma, this is my dilemma. - Is there somebody? - She's over there, yeah. - She's kind of raising her hand, but it's okay. - You want to? - You want to? - Come on up here, sweetheart. I don't think her boyfriend wants her to do it. They seem to be arguing about that. (audience laughing) Wow, here she comes everybody, a historical moment in this show's history. As a gay man, is about to kiss his first female of his life. A lot of people are holding in, holding back vomit right now. The look in the whole crowd. - He's got a big dick. (audience laughing) - He'll just got a big old phone. - This is Killtony, where magical moments happen. Angel has been with nothing but men and men that are pretending to be a woman. - Whoa. - Wow, look at the excitement in her face, everybody. She volunteered for this. (audience cheering) This is Angel's first female kiss. (audience cheering) Do you believe in miracles? Oh, Angel, Angel's about to throw up. (audience cheering) Wow, there you go, unbelievable. Wow, there she goes. Back to obscurity, she goes. - Well, he's wearing basketball shorts, so we could see what's out. - We could get hard, we're gonna see it. (audience laughing) - He got softer. - Thank you. - Angel, you just kissed a woman for the first time. How do you feel? Are you now positive that you're gay? - I am not gay. - Wow. - I am not gay. (audience cheering) - Not gay, everybody. Welcome to my world, Angel. You'll be denying it forever. (audience laughing) I'll tell you what, the set, I don't even fucking remember talking about puppies and parvo and your stepdad, but the interview was unbelievable. There's a big joke, but go shove it up your ass. Shove it up your ass, Angel. (audience applauding) This is still funny. (audience applauding) Oh, there's Heidi. Woo. (audience laughing) Sheesh. All right, and obviously anything can happen here. Make some noise for your next comedian doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds. He's waited 24 minutes for this moment. (audience laughing) It's just been waiting. Nervous as fuck behind that curtain, no matter what. Make some noise for Luke Aaron, everybody. Here comes Luke. (audience applauding) - How are we doing tonight? (audience cheering) All right, I'm from Wisconsin, and most people don't know much about Wisconsin, other than that we have cheese. And believe it or not, I did work at a cheese factory. I was one of the guys that made sure all the Swiss cheese had holes in it. (audience laughing) Now just kidding, I wish that was my job. My job was actually making sure those guys stayed hard. Speaking of hard, being an adult is hard. Like as a kid, everything felt like an adventure. And now everything just kind of feels like a responsibility. Like I get stressed out even just leaving my house. I'm like, am I on time? Did I turn off the oven? Did I pay rent? Phone, wallet, keys, micro penis? All right, I'm good to go. Now I'm just kidding, it's actually not that small. The last time I had sex, she said that it was perfect size. I'm at least I think that's what she would have said, but I don't speak squirrel. All right, thank you. That's all I got. An adorable set of you right there. I'll thank you. Fucking squirrels keeping the cheese fuckers hard. How you doing, Luke? I'm doing good. How old are you? I'm 26. 26, how long have you been on standup? I've been doing standup now for like six or seven months. Six or seven months, nice. Where at? I've been doing, I've been, I like kick butt coffee. That was like the first place I ever did it here in Austin. Okay, kick butt coffees. That open till 2 a.m.? Oh, no. Well. It looks like you're not getting your cock sucked at a coffee shop. We'll see. Yeah. Behind it. Anything you never know. Luke, what do you do for a living? I work at a spa in a hotel and resort. Okay. Yeah. What do you do at the spa? I serve people food by the pool and then like pick up their towels and stuff. Nice. How long have you been on that for? I've been doing that since moving here, so I think probably about six months. Okay. Six months. What do you want before that? Before that, I was, I was in South Carolina after graduating college. I've been on before. We were talking about this. I was selling windows and I worked at a restaurant. Okay. All right. All right. Anything changed since the last time you were on the show? Well, not, not a ton. I'm, I, so after I was talking about my girlfriend the last time and we have been on and off, but we are still together. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I did it. When you say on and off, why, why are you on and off? Hmm. We, we just have, I don't know, I'm bad at relationships. We just have a lot of like disagreements and stuff, but we've been working through it. Like about what? Can you give us an example of a recent disagreement that you have? Just any, anything we'll do. Anything we'll do. People will be able to relate to it. Yeah, God, it's, it's, I'm like, I don't know, I'm kind of hard to deal with. I like to, I want her to do like exactly what I want her to do all the time. So I'm kind, I'm kind of, I'm kind of controlling. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm working on it. Can you give us an example of exactly what you mean by that? I mean, her, if she's just like, on her phone scrolling or. You say, hey. I say. Yeah. Well, no. I just build resentment inside. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's my style. Yeah. That's my style. A lot of industry. I'm sure, dude. I agree with you. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. Enough little things build up until it just boils over and then you say something stupid. Okay. Anything else crazy about your life we should know about? Hmm. I wrote a poem recently. I wrote a poem pretty recently, probably a few months ago. You want to say the poem? There. I brought it. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. All right, all right. Oh, and then I also have, I also thought of a roast Tony. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Tony Robbins penis? Yes. Nah. All right. Red band. Red band. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Juanita's penis? 2003. Oh, damn. All right. All right. Here we go. Maybe the poem is better than your roots. All right. Here we go. Here we go. All right. My poem is entitled "Sleepless Nights." All right. Here we go. Penis. Cock. Willie and Don. Weener. Peter. Johnson. And Shlong. Must I keep going? Must I keep going? Has there been a man who's done no wrong? You're a loser, you piece of shit. You will never become a surgeon. You will certainly die a virgin. The voices of my bullies rang true, whatever am I going to do, whatever am I going to do. "I will not die a virgin," I said, within my own head. "I must take matters into my own hands." I would never tell-- I would never tell a soul my plans. "If no one at school was going to fuck me, I should get a job. Maybe one of them will suck me." How long is this fucking poem? [ Laughter ] All right, all right, all right. Double-sided. Double-sided, it is double-sided. It is double-sided. It, like, if Dr. Seuss was a doctor that Ty Marion's hospital. Who knows what's going to happen? Does he lose his virginity? Here we go. Oh, here we go. It's the juxtapart of the poem. vagina, pussy, beaver, and ham. Ham. And, yeah, sure. I had to rhyme it. You know, all right, hey, work with me, work with me. All right. I love to suck ham. But, hey, don't make me start this over. All right, I'm about to. All right, beaver and ham. Vijayjay, clitoris, koochi, and clam. There it is. I got a job, and the first week went great. I laid low. They trusted me. They took the bait. They asked me, "Hey, would you be able to work late?" I knew having sex was in my fate. I need you to stay late to feed the animals at night. Of course, I said it would be a delight. Yes, it's true. The job I got is at a zoo. Once everyone-- Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. I got to get you out of here. I feel like you've been like not getting anywhere. It's going somewhere. This is not a fucking poem, dude. This is a fucking story that rhymes. Why did you write this? Why? Why? It was-- I was trying to make people laugh. You hear that? [CHEERING] All right, finish it. Ah, hell yeah, hell yeah. The poem is better than the standup. It is. It is better. Once everyone finally left the park, I felt like Noah in his ark. I was hard as a rock and ready to come. I knew it was my time to get some. I knew I would lose my virginity soon. Come on. It didn't take long till I was fucking a baboon. I went to the penguins and got some head. I didn't care that one of them was dead. Lions and tigers and bears-- oh, my. I waited till they were sleeping, then gave them a cream pie. The flamingos and ducks in their flock got ravaged by my throbbing cock. I stretched out an ostrich. I got coitus from a tortoise. I got dirty with the birdies. I got funky with the monkeys. All the animals in sight, they didn't put up much of a fight. I wanted to take on more, bigger and better. I wanted the sexiest animal of them all. I thought it would satisfy. But now I sit on my bed and cry. Oh, did I think I was smart? But I will never be able to forget that hippo's fart. I will-- how much fucking longer is it? That's it, that's it. Cheesy. Right. I love it. I take it back, I love it. There's a part, too. Great. Next time, next time. Next time, here you go. Here's the smallest joke book I could find. Oh, right on Joe's cock. What happened? I guess it. I got hit in the-- He deflected it up to Joe's cock. All right, there he goes. Luke Aaron, everybody. We'll pick it out to you later on, dude. Yeah. I don't know where it is. It's up your ass. Luke Aaron. Good job, Luke. Poems too long. I can imagine him doing that for, like, five more minutes. Yeah, it was crazy. All right. But the crowd loved it. Go to Barnes and Noble. You guys were wrong. You know that, right? All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Casey Conner, everybody. Make noise for Casey Conner. How's it going, Austin? It has become problematic for me to take showers alone again recently. And that is because I listen to hip-hop in the shower. And I do not censor myself when Wu-Tang comes on. Thank you. But recently, Kanye was on my speaker. I was washing my armpits, and I just kind of just felt a little strange when I was listening to Kanye. So I had to skip the song. I'm sure you guys know which song it was. But after I skipped that song, Puff Daddy and the Family came on, and it was Fit and the Get Loose. And I don't know if you guys know this. But the first 20 to 30 seconds of that song is Puff Daddy, just breathing heavy like-- And I'm washing my asshole. And Fit and the Get Loose is on. And I just prayed that I was the only one in there. But I realized it's very easy to become racist and gay by listening to hip-hop. Jesus Christ, Casey Conner, welcome, welcome. Casey, have you been on this show before? I have not. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been on standup? Seven years. OK, sweet. We're at Miami, Florida. Where? Miami. Nice. OK. Tell us about your life, Casey. Army veteran. I just moved to Austin about three weeks ago. I came here to do this to get better and perform. And like Austin is the city to improve. Hell yeah. Have you been doing a lot of the mics, someone not? I have not. I just got hired as a manager at a place. It's a non-alcoholic bar called Taloon Botanicals. A non-alcoholic bar. Yeah. So is there business there? Yeah. Surprisingly, it's all plant-based. It's Kava Cratum. Texas is-- yeah. It's a kingdom. Somebody knows it. Wow. OK, so people are kind of getting doked up, but not on alcohol. Right. Right, right. Did they tip well there? Not that I've seen. I've only worked two days so far. OK, what branch did you serve in the Army? I was a pair of trooper in the 82nd Airborne out of Fort Bragg, North Carolina. Nice. So did you jump out of a lot of planes? I had about 25, 26 jumps before I got kicked out. Wow. That's about half as many dudes as angels hooked up with. Why did they kick you out? Cocaine. Wow. I'm from Florida. Right, exactly. Do you still do cocaine? Absolutely. Yeah. Not tonight. How often do you think you do cocaine? A couple of times a month. All right, what usually sets it off? What makes you-- do you wake up kind of itching for it, or is it-- things are rougher when you're having a great day? Purely recreational, just for fun. Like, if I want to go out on the weekend, I'm like, oh, we're going out. Let's get a bag. Have you gotten a bag since coming to Austin, Texas? Say again. I got a bump from a guy at the 456 bar who has a picture with you. 456 bar. 456. It's a-- Yeah, East Austin. A cool little, like, Irish pub type. Yeah, it's got a bunch of dead animals on the inside. Yep. Well, every part has dead animals on the side. Oh, they all do? Yeah, you're not Miami. It's a lot like the Florida keys where I grew up. Nice. OK. Casey, craziest thing about your life that's ever happened to you. I don't know if it's crazy anymore, and everybody always says it, but my parents are dead. Ooh, how did your parents die? My mom is a Miami girl, and she died from drinking and drug use and just-- [BUZZER] Awesome. How about that? Dad survived Vietnam being in the cocaine cowboys, drug use, drinking, and had a stroke. Aww. Mom wins this battle. Yeah, she does. She does. Mom died sooner. I love it. All right, Casey. Well, yes, keep writing and performing. And get around. Do it. Get out there, Casey Conner. We're going to keep it moving with our final bucket pool of the night, everybody. We are coming around the corner. This looks like a brand new name. Let's see what happens here. Put your hands together for simply courting me, everybody. It's simply courting me. Oh, man. Y'all know how hard it is to drive Uber when you're a big, black dude named Courtney. People don't believe it's my car. I had a lady once ago. Are you sure this is still a car? You know, you hear it, joke. You think she's playing, but she's like-- And because I'm a comic, I'm all like, no, we stole this motherfucker to get it. Let's go. Happy black history month, by the way. All right, so anyways, I'm recently taking a tolerance break from Weat. I don't hate Weat. I just don't like the things that I do when I'm on it. "I'll go to my son's basketball game "and cheer for the wrong team." (audience laughing) I also do stupid things, like forget I'm driving Uber. (audience laughing) Have a passenger in the back seat just terrified. I'm like, "I'm about to have a roommate." (audience laughing) I think that's about it, y'all, thank you. A fantastic set from Simply Courtney. Welcome, welcome. This is your first time on the show? Yes, sir. I love it, where are you from? I'm from Austin. I'm from Austin, Texas. Let me make a little more noise to that. I love it. Amazing. One of the locals in the building, baby. I love it. 13 years, though. 13 years, and we're just meeting you now for the first time. Incredible. We've been here for half a decade. Why are we just meeting you now, Courtney? Hey, you know, I sign up every once in a while. On Mondays, I normally hang out with my daughter. I'm teaching her to drive right now. And so, that's what I'm normally doing Monday nights. And so, I'm skipping hanging out with my daughter and teaching her to drive to hang out with children. Wow, a black man, not hanging out with his children. That's amazing. Incredible. Happy black history month. Oh, you jerk. (audience laughing) Tell her you're cold or how old are your kids? My daughter's 17, and my son, you're right, but it's 15 years old, six foot four. He's taller than me. Whoa. Yeah. Hey. It's your daughter's birthday. Oh, my God. Hey, no, hold on. This is red there. I don't want to answer that. Yeah, don't answer. September 19th, I'm proud of not telling you the year, though. She's illegal. I damn it. What's up? Damn right. Absolutely. What do you do for work, Courtney? Don't you drive Uber? Straight up comedy, no. I suck at Uber. Nice. I'm better at telling jokes than I am at doing Uber. So, I make all of my money from comedy and comedy adventures. So, run open my, run a few shows around town, and I perform. Perfect. Oh, yeah. What do you do for fun when you're not doing comedy or raising your kids? When I do for fun, I read, and then I also-- Oh, listen to music right now. That's my big thing. So, I'm-- why y'all laughing at that? That ain't funny. Nah, it's funny, if you want to laugh. But, no, I listen to music. I'm discovering a lot of oldies right now. I do a little thing at the radio station, 88.7. Oh, no, I'm not supposed to start out everything, but that's why I do Wednesdays. That's what you do. And so, I'm one of the-- I said that's what you people do. You give shout outs. That's true. That's why they're laughing. Shout out to my mom now, but I'm happy for you to share it up to her. But, nah, I'm listening to music right now. So, I'm going back. I'm listening to Stevie Wonder, Michael Jackson's "Off the Wall" album, and then I'm also listening to Stevie Wonder, Michael Jackson's "Off the Wall" album. Oh, Prince. Not the Purple Rain album, though, but it's another one. So, there's another album. I'm going through all these new ones right now. Oh, you notice that noise. I'm light-skinned, Tony. So, I noticed it, OK? That's right. I'm tall and I'm light-skinned, Black. So, I actually do change the smoke that's-- Yeah. Second beat, OK? You're tall enough to where you could just do it. You could just reach up and-- That part. That part, that part. I love it. Are you still with the baby, Mama? You're 70. No, we're divorced. We're divorced. OK. But, we are friendly enough that I'm actually staying there tonight. Oh, nice. Yeah. I take the kids to school on Tuesdays Thursday mornings. And so, sometimes, instead of me having to come in early in the morning, I just come in after I do comedy or whatever I'm doing late night. Awesome. Yeah, so we are a mickable. Hell yeah. You're what? A mickable. We're a mickable. Yeah, man, we're nice. We're civil. Is that the wrong word? Yeah, it's the wrong word. Who is not? Yeah, it is. Time out. Time out. What's the worst that I've said then? Give me a-- Amicable. Oh, my God. Right. It's OK. That's what-- Time out. Did you know what I meant, though? OK. You know, there's not a girl in the car. There's still the car, right? Got you. It was a joke. Little context. We good. I'm messing with you, white man. You good? Thank you. I am. Hey, I just looked at his watch. Hardest shit right now by accident. I'm not trying to steal your watch, but it is nice, though. Oh, thank you. You need an Uber driver later? No, I'm all right. I'm all right. I'm all right. I'll walk home. Thank you. OK. I'm all right. He's staying in San Antonio when he's walking, because he's terrified. Oh, you're staying in San Antonio? We'll start. Yeah, I was wherever you think I'm staying is where I'm staying. I can give you a ride when you try to go. I'm going to stay a market some more and a half way there. I've done that, too, though, by the way. You talked about rooting for the wrong team for your kids basketball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get high, too, and I go-- and I go, that's a nice play by the other team, and people get upset with me. But fuck that, you know? Listen, I'm one of those-- if somebody does good, I like this sport. That's what I do, too. And I'm like, good playing. And we'll be down by 40. Yeah. I'd be like, good playing. But everybody all looking at me like, why would you say that? I'm like, what the fuck did I say? Oh, my bad. Down by 40. Yeah. It happens that my son is a freshman of varsity, and they're figuring it out. He was like one of two freshman of varsity, and they got the bus handed to him. But guess what? We're going to be better next year, and the year after that, and the year after that. So we cheer. All right. I'm cheering. I'm black, dad. That's cheering. I'm cheering, Goddammit. We lose it. Oh, we good. The other team. I'm cheering, man. Everybody at this point. Yeah. Other team, my team. You have a 17-year-old daughter, is she brought any dates back? Is she introducing it any young boyfriends? She's dating currently. She just had a date for Valentine's Day. It just happened. It's so, uh, it's chill. He's a cool dude. Blackhead? Black. Black enemy. Black is-- almost as black as this dude. How does that make you feel when she brings home someone blacker than you? On it. On it. He's trying to do it. I'm like, I can't even lie. Just a little more. I don't feel any type of way because her mom is currently dating the guy that's the same color. So, I feel like they're dating a dude that's the same you. I'm going to say you not color. Not even in my head now. Yeah. It's amicable. Okay, dammit. I'll try. Amicable. All right. Okay. These are all. But now I don't feel any type of way about it, though. I don't feel any type of way out. I think it's dope. The fact that she has somebody that loves her just as much as I love her is dope as fuck for me. So I'm good. Amazing. Listen to this. Gorgeous. Very impressive set. Very impressive, dude. Very impressive interview. You're getting the blackest jokebook that I have here. There you go. There goes simply Courtney making his Killtony debut after 13 years of doing comedy in Austin. He just made it to the biggest show in the city, in the industry. Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are. And we have made it. Unfortunately, William Montgomery's dog broke its arm and had an $8,000 surgery today. Ari Maddie is stuck in Estonia tonight. However, ladies and gentlemen, we have one other regular that is just unbelievable. Rites a brand new minute every single week. Out of everyone you saw tonight, you have not seen someone that writes a minute every week. And meanwhile, he is so impressive. Make some noise for the one and only. Dark Storm of Austin, Texas. Fifth is Dedric Glenn, everybody. Oh, man. I hate when you talk to somebody and they say they got siblings and you only find out it's only one or two of them niggas. That's not siblings. This is wrong with the country. We need big family energy back in the goddamn states. There's a certain thing you get when you get like we, my grew up in a townhouse. We only grew up in two bedroom towns. We all slept on one king size mattress, all six of us. Niggas one old boogey man. We'll jump that niggas. You know what I'm saying? I wish the niggas would come hot my sister dreams. There's a different kind of attitude you get. Because I grew up in the 90s with the big booty TV. I survived the big booty TV remote wars of the 90s. When we used to, when you get punched in the face by a nigga that looked just like you. Because he want to watch SpongeBob. And you didn't hit the remote. Or if you better like me, if you real petty, I'll take the batteries out that motherfucker. You know what I'm talking about? The big booty TV. You remember the big booty TV? The ones that doubled up as furniture. You can put pictures of your family on top of it and have plants grow down the side. Where are the big booty TVs? The ones you can slap on the ass to get them to work, right? Like a good woman. The big booty TV. That's my time. I'm gone. Yeah! Patrick Flynn with a minute 36 seconds. More work than anybody else tonight. He does it every single week. Amazing stuff, Patrick. I love the do-rag. He must be celebrating Black History Month. Yeah. Well, I escaped Boston to come here, because they got a blizzard that's coming through there. And the scientists were saying that this only happens every once in a while. And the reason why it was happening is because it starts some else and can't do that more fucking happening. Because of you? Yeah, I do that. What was it, a blizzard from Dairy Queen? Because of the diabetes and whatnot. I don't have diabetes, Tony. I'm just like gold. -That's right, that's right. I love the do-rag. That is incredible. -Thank you. -Absolutely amazing. You look like you and your own auntie. [ Laughter ] We call him "Annie's" where I'm from. It's Annie, ain't aunties is that white people shit from the middle way, it's for you from. You like, you don't care about her auntie, but nigga, Annie, Annie's gonna be there for you. Annie's gonna bill you out of jail and not tell your mama. Auntie's gonna call your mama and go bill her out with you. You need an Annie on your set. -Well, you heard knock-life. -Yeah. -In Boston. -But shut the fuck up, right? [ Laughter ] -So mad at you. -Well, I'm glad you didn't antifreeze in Boston. -Come on. [ Laughter ] -I love the patriotic underjacket. -Yeah, Libby! [ Cheers and applause ] -I went to Boston. I was in with them a little cold red-nicks, so I got in a hockey because them niggas in Boston, their football is hockey. -Yeah. -The American teen, women's and men's one gold in hockey. -Yeah. -Shut out of here now. -Oh, yeah. -You were sick. -You were sick. You were sick. -You were sick. -Yeah, I was sick. [ Cheers and applause ] -Motherfucker! -I was just. -I was feeling it. -You do -- [ Laughter ] -You look good, man. I'm not mad at you. -Thank you. I appreciate -- I'm not mad at you. [ Laughter ] -This is like "spy versus spy," the black and the white. [ Laughter ] -You do look like a sleeper agent. [ Laughter ] -Thank you. -Dedrick, how's life going? -Fuck it. So goddamn good, man. I'm so fucking tired. I'm traveling all -- I get in meet all these cool people. I'm really living my dream. I think that's what's beautiful. I just bought Big Buck Hunter from my house. -Whoo! -We -- -Yeah! -Yeah! -Right. -Who won a sleep in here? [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] -That's awesome. -Thank you so much. -Two guns are one gun. -Two guns. -It's a whole arcade scene right there, yeah. -What a dream. -Yeah, it's $500 on calls. [ Laughter ] -I'm sorry, I missed it. What did you buy? -Buck Hunter, dude. -A buck hunter, yeah, yeah. -The big arcade game. -Yeah. -When you're shooting the animals on Big Buck Hunter, do you hold the gun sideways? [ Laughter ] -Well, yes, Tony. This is Black History Month. -It is. -But it does -- It does, actually, like -- 'Cause I was watching John Wick, then they could turn his gun to the side. And then he's like, "Okay, black energy." And then they'd come in there and kill everybody. So I just kind of hold it like that. I watched John Wick, then I go play Big Buck Hunter on Mushroom. -She! -Yeah. -I love it. It is your mump, so -- I mean, you will do whatever you want. -But to be on your ass, right? [ Laughter ] -You look so swirlyable. And how dare you say -- -What did you say? -Swirlyable. -Swirlyable, sir. -Swirlyable. You can get a nigga swirly perfectly. -But it's horrible. -You know what? It's an adjective dumbass. -Oh, no. That's not a word. -I don't think this is very amicable. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -Amicable right now. -Amicable. -I loved the jokes tonight. Dedric Big Family Energy. Six kids in a king size. Is that true? -Yeah. -Whoa. -On the floor. -Wow. -Yeah, it is. -Oh, honestly, we didn't know we was poor because everybody else around us was poor. -Yeah. -And then when we got to middle school and our parents wanted to put us in better schools, like, that's when I realized I was poor and that's when I started being bad. Because I was -- I don't like when a nigga doing better than me. [ Laughter ] All right, hey, that's why I hate niggas with two siblings. Like, you -- Like, because the Big Booty TV -- the reason why it's important is there's no rewind on the Big Booty TV. Like, when you watch that episode, if you miss something, like, if you miss, like, raw growing up and you got on the bus and you didn't know what happened versus Stone Cold, you couldn't get no pussy. [ Laughter ] -You are correct. -My -- I had a Big Booty TV growing up. A lot of people don't know this, but I was raised extremely poor. And, like, recently, I was sent a picture from an old school friend of my house, which still stands on a Florencedale Avenue in Youngstown, Ohio. It is one of the only remaining houses in the ghetto of Youngstown. And there are -- -That's true. -You were there? -Yeah, when I went to Youngstown. -Really? -Yeah. The Uber driver was so excited. Are you serious? -I'm dead ass, you know. And they took me all around Youngstown. Nigga, that was the first time I felt like I was in the mafia. -Yeah. -Because, one, they were nice to me. And I know they're not nice in Youngstown, Ohio. -Oh, yeah. -I know that it's too cold to have, like, a good personality. -Yeah. And I showed someone a picture of my house that didn't know exactly -- they don't -- you know, not everybody knows the background of Youngstown, or whatnot. And there -- it's the only house still standing anywhere near it. So I showed someone the picture and they're like, "Wow, look at all the land that you had." But what they don't realize is that there's a graveyard of driveways that just go to nothing because every house was arsoned out or burned down. What the fuck was my point? -Oh, I had a big booty TV. -Yeah, yeah. Big A.A. TV. -And our house would get robbed about once, a year, once, every two years. And they would have to take a bunch of dumb shit, like in a Tari station one time. They took a VCR, just a straight-up VCR, which would be worth, I guess, negative money now it is. -It was -- no, it was -- it was 250 back in the day and then I'll do the math. They took everything from you. -Yeah. -That's what they did. They just gave you lots of -- Did they take the tapes, too? What was you watching on the VCR? -Well, it's actually funny. You mentioned that. My first grade play I was -- I was a star. Do you know about this? Why are you laughing? My first grade Christmas play was in the VCR when they stole it. And I was -- I was all head. I had the same size head that I have now. When I was in first grade, the kids used to call me Big Head. -Big Head. -It was Big Head, but anyway. And it's very depressing that they stole that because it's some of the funniest video footage. I was a star in the play when they're like, "You're going to be a star." And I'm like, "Wow, this is amazing. I'm going to be a star in the play." But it turns out I was an actual star. Like, I was like a decoration. It was a glittery star with a piece of yarn. Do you have it, Dedric? Was it you that stole it? -Oh. -All right. -I was not alive. You were just a christmas. -It was like a manger, whatever the Christmas play. -Wow. -Christmas. The story of Christmas, right, Ben? -Oh, that was a big moment. -It was the biggest day I ever got. I never -- I never found any success after that. But my point is it's interesting because those TVs back then were basically unstealable. They were like 700 pounds or something insane. -I don't think they were unstealable. I'm a lot of 'em, Tony. I think you were just a weak ass kid. You shouldn't have anything but your head. If you just put that shit on, like an African nigga going to the market. -Bounce it. -You had a dolly. -Yeah. -Wow. -Yeah, I got two ACOs. I got a Twitch5 and muscle in my calf that had helped me pick up a TV and get rip out of their real fame. -I think we're talking about two different types of TVs. -I'm talking about the big booty. I'm stronger. -I was raised in the '80s, not the '90s. I think there was a little upgrade between me and you. -Yeah, you had to change the TV with the pliers and shit. -Fack down. -You didn't have a remote. -Yeah, we had a dial. -What? -I had to walk up to the dial. -Wait, no, no. Your mom just lost her remote. -No, there was a dial. -You remember when TVs had fucking dials, and the remotes were like -- -They turned it like this. -Yeah. -Okay. -The channel. -Remotes were like a brand new, unbelievable technology. You press the button on the sides. Yeah, it was like a big fucking deal. -Oh, man. I'm glad I grew up, young -- -It shit had a laser on it. -Oh, man. Yeah, I know. -Yeah, I guess. -Not you, Tony. I'm so sorry for disrespecting you. I've seen you my whole life, nigga. -What do you know? -I used to watch you on the big booty TV. [ Laughter ] -Dentrick, you are the fucking man. Everybody loves you. The world loves you. Go see 'em live. He's on the killers of Kill Tony Tour. This episode was brought to you by PrizePix Quo, Shopify, and Zippercrooter. How loud can this place get for the great Steve Ranaziz on tour? Check them out, doing some dates, SteveRanazizie.com. How about one more time for the great Joe List? Everybody's on tour, comedian, JoeLis.com. SmallBall is on YouTube.com/JoeLis. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in, and that is indeed the great Steve Ranazizie and JoeLis. Let's see what Chris Rodgers drew tonight. JoeLis! Oh, my goodness. It drew JoeLis. Some of 'em one more time for the best standband in all the land. Red band. -I'll be in San Diego in June at the Americancomedyco.com. -Kill Tony is going to the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles, California, in May. If you're anywhere near LA or in the mood to make a trip to the old relic that used to be one of the best cities in the world, why not visit it and see Kill Tony at the same time. Go to the ocean where it's now filled with little black beads from melted Teslas that exploded in the Pacific Palisades, a little fun fact for you. It turned into black tiny balls that now line the lower Pacific Ocean of the United States of America. How about one more time for the Kill Tony band? You can follow them on YouTube and Instagram. Follow Heidi. Heidi Regina.com. Love on the line. And yeah, that's about it. I'm going to the camera. Kennedy, I'm gonna do stand up at the Kennedy Center in Washington, D.C. On some other dates, TonyHingeClip.com, some other big announcements right around the corner. Live audience, we love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody. [Music] [Music] [Music]