#758 - DONNELL RAWLINGS + TREVOR WALLACE

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Thanks so much to Brian Redman, ladies and gentlemen. And that is the best damn band in all the land. How about a hand for them, huh? They've been playing music for you in the live music capital of the world. This is. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by Blue Chew Talkspace and Shopify. How we fucking feeling tonight, huh? Feels good in here. Before the show gets started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? You know, every single week, I take the two best comedians that I could possibly find and I put them together here on this show. This week, no different. The return of two of the wildest panelists in the history of the show. How many of you consider yourselves die-hard Kill Tony fans? Boy, you're in virtual. This is a great treat as I present to you two of the hardest working, most working stand-up comedians in the world today and two legends of the Kill Tony panel. This is Donnell Rawlings and Trevor Wallen. There he is. Donnell. Trevor. Donnell, you're next to me. I always keep Donnell next to me in case he gets out of control. Ha, ha, ha, ha. It's harder to walk off the show if you're sitting next to me. Donnell, famous for the number one meltdown in Kill Tony history, according to many YouTube videos. In the words of Nina Simone, it's a new day, it's a new dawn. I'm feeling good. And I want to say, uh, I want to say happy Black History Month, but it's not represented in this audience. No. I got you right here, Donnell. I got you. Trevor Wallace, one of the whitest white people on planet Earth, here to celebrate Black History Month with you. Donnell Rawlings. Donnell Rawlings is on tour. Get tickets at DonnellRawlings.com. Trevor Wallace also on tour. He's filming a special March 13th and 14th in Phoenix, and he's dropping a new special at Trevor Wallace on YouTube on April 1st on YouTube. And, uh, hell yeah. You guys both have been on the show. You know how this fucking show works. Donnell is a legend of this game. He is on almost every Kill Tony compilation video of every game. They hate me here, you know. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm just doing it for the show. For the peace. And I'm so happy to announce that I did not make the Epstein files. I was at a Diddy party, but I didn't. That's the whole difference. Maybe all for everybody. I'll just say that. We're going to have fun here. You guys know how it works. Over 300 comedians signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage. If their name gets pulled out, you know, their time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which just rudely. Interrupts them and then I conduct an interview. Anything can happen. The whole thing is improvised. God only knows. I mean, shit gets crazy here out of this bucket. While we go wrangle that first bucket full of the night, we have a very, very special treat to start tonight's show. This young man is considered much like Donnell, one of the most polarizing figures in the show's history. Very, very. We've watched him grow. Up until this point, every minute seems to be better than the last. Ladies and gentlemen, you remember when he was just a nephew. Now he's an uncle. Make some noise for the great Uncle Laser, everybody. How we doing, Austin? Y'all all right? You okay? Happy Black History Month. Got Darnell here. They got that light-skinned feller painting. They got D-Madness dressed like a butler. Unreal. What a trait. Before we get started on these, listen, I don't care what you are. It's your right as a human being. Whatever you do, don't impede on what someone else does. Look, I don't care if you're gay. I don't care if you're trans. I don't even care if you're black. Your body, your choice. You know what I'm talking about? And y'all are like, well, that black's not a choice. Well, they choose to be that loud at the movie theater, don't they? Listen now. Listen here, goddammit. Listen. I ain't racist to nobody. I don't want to. But there is one motherfucker I do hate, okay? One motherfucker I can't stand. And that is a motherfucker with the audacity to ask me if I want to help them move furniture. Okay? From one apartment complex to the other, okay? Listen, dude. The goddamn blatant disrespect you're going to ask me to help you move a California king? Down two flights of stairs? Yeah, man. As soon as we get there, you might as well just fuck my wife on that mattress, all right? I'd rather have full-blown fucking AIDS, all right? Like, not Magic Johnson AIDS, quit playing basketball in the 90s. I'm talking Dallas Buyer Club's AIDS, all right? 99 cents a day AIDS. You can swat them. Flies off. They may be open in a kid's face. With that being said, I got to move on Saturday if anybody's got a pickup truck I can borrow. My name's Uncle Edgy. I'm in. Uncle Lazer has started the show. Uncle Lazer. Let's check in with Don L. I feel attacked. Anytime a white person pronounces my name, Darnell, that's the most racist shit. It felt like I was watching a Turning Point halftime show with Kid Rock. I'll just say this. You made Charlie Kirk happy as a motherfucker, man. He's turning over in his grave, you know what I'm saying? Kid Crack Rock over here. You know it's winter when he starts wearing sleeves, for sure. Uncle Lazer, how's things going? It's good, man. Your girl Kim Cobb and I had a dating show the other night, and I actually won it. I won a date with Heidi. Oh, wow. But I was whamboozled because. We went out to the Betty, right? But she just hooked me up with the biggest friend she has. Yeah. And not like their best friends. Like, this bitch is round. That makes sense. A real big bear. She just whamboozled me. You know what? It sounds like he's describing Juanita right now. Oh, Juanita. The very famous Juanita. Juanita famously talked about how black guys don't want to fuck her. Juanita is a. She's trans, ain't she? She's a very obese trans. Don't know you would bring that up. That's crazy. But Donnell thought it was just a thick Mexican chick. And he said, hey, you know, I'd be down. And then I informed him. It's basically. That's not what the fuck I said. It was worse. It was much worse than that. This is what I said. Yeah. Juanita did a song. Buddy, you're a boy. And then I said, I said, in behalf of. I'm speaking. On behalf of the. The black community. I said, this is a song we want to sing. We will, we will fuck you. And then I looked, and I didn't really recognize. Because I know women in the Midwest look just like. Women in the Midwest do look like trans linebackers. Yeah. And then my DMs was flooded with guys named Tanya. Oh, yeah. I don't know. That was a guy. We figured that part out, okay? But, you know, but, you know, it's, it's a new day. It's a new dawn. Shout out to Juanita. Yeah. We love Juanita. You take her to a diddy party? That's what you did there? No comment. Takes a lot of baby oil to get that thing ready to go. I got to tell you that. A drum of baby oil. Crisco or something, too. I feel so insecure. I'm a black man that can't use baby oil because of. right now. -What are you using? -If you want it really good, beef test your sexuality whatever you go to a cvs and put eight bottles of baby oil on the counter and see how the they look at you do they do they but they have to unlock the thing for you right when you do that the new donnell is not going to respond to that uncle laser so what did you end up doing with the big girl that uh heidi hooked you up with you know yeah we know we know that you know how to cvs got me eight bottles of baby water you know let's just found the wet spot let's just say you move that furniture around yeah i helped i have it's a team lift i love it well laser great way to get the show started tonight came out with the bang there he goes ladies and gentlemen uncle laser everybody and now we go to the bucket everyone and now to the bucket we go your first bucket well we're going to meet them all together this is obviously the part of the show where anything can happen make some noise for seth shepherd everybody howdy y'all i found out recently i'm one-eighth black it's our month now now this doesn't mean that i can say any of the fun words but i sure have been thinking about it i lost my virginity with a soft dick y'all might be thinking wow that's got to take a hog to work right you'd be wrong all it takes is a girl that believes deep enough and keeps drinking after she pukes on you i was 17 she was 22 she knew what she wanted between me and whiskey we figured it out it's all right all right i wish that got bigger pop but thank you all so much seth shepard welcome to the show seth thank you i love your accent i haven't heard it since you did the narration on the big lebowski yes sir last time i was on you said the same thing yes sir really you've been on before about a year and a half ago yeah it was my maybe eighth time on stage i've been doing comedy about 16 18 months now nice this is your eighth time on stage no last time i was on yes sir yeah you have an unbelievable voice thank you um both your voice and your jokes could talk us all to sleep without a doubt uh so what's been going on seth tell us about your life what are you doing for work right now i work at a dispensary which is pretty funny because i don't smoke weed but i yeah went to a you vote for it to be illegal every time it's on the ballot not my type of thing at all i'm a simple man i make my eggs and bacon put on my camouflage hat and get to writing the jokes the squawking eagle of america is what keeps us safe and i'm gonna consider myself a true patriot yes sir when i'm not making myself breakfast or feeding my dogs i'm invading the capital oiling up my guns and just doing what's right for the country yes sir i do support the weeds i just i feel like i'm 29 i'm too old to be so scared it's uh i quit smoking because i went on stage after smoking i was like god no they why do you all hate me what's going on i was so scared they hate you because those jokes are trash i know don't think too deep in the smoking joint do some crap what's up man anybody got some heroin in this bitch oh my god i know this is the platform to support people but kill yourself it's over son thank you you look like you're starting a video man i don't know why that colored fella talked to me like that that night he was disrespectful as hell here is my wife and it's her birthday make her feel good he just looks like the guys that that video i always click on oh you've you've seen those videos huh i was part of those videos so seth we work at a weed dispensary what are you doing for fun what does a guy like seth do for fun you look like a man of many hobbies i like building guns straight out of my impression of him he said building guns building guns oh i'm sorry about everything i said about you he's also sorry for disrespecting your art form and holding them sideways every time he gets a chance that's uh whenever i first moved down here i was actually i called the mothership and i said hey y'all uh i usually got a gun on my hip y'all got pistol check and they're like what i was like if i got a gun on my hip y'all got somebody can get my gun too and they said no i was like all right i thought this was texas i'm sorry there's only one person that the mothership allows to have a gun in this place and that person is d madness ladies and gentlemen right look out well he's not doing a good job because if he built guns you should have took the opportunity to shoot yourself before you can kill two birds with one stone yes sir i love it seth what's your love life like uh it's doing all right i actually just uh this past week kind of broke up with a lady because she was sending me all kinds of weird kind of suicidal and i'm like i got her a gun yeah yeah i was like man i got maybe six and a half good inches of dick and 15 pumps if i'm lucky i don't know why you're about to kill yourself over that leave me alone wow yeah look at that six and a half huh we're doing all right yeah how much bad dick do you have i'll be honest don't need the base is it so thick it doesn't go in little tree stump down there seth this is incredible so she was suicidal so you broke up with her what a what an unbelievable boyfriend man of the year everybody give her a better help read or something dude i avoided her for a few days and she's like i'm going in the dark end i'm like i'm the darkest amazing man so yeah i've learned my lesson crazy of the but it's it ain't worth it at the end of the day that's you need somebody who can cook you some eggs hang out and be a good woman hey it's unbelievable this guy i mean unbelievable seth what else do you do for fun give us another hobby before i get you out of here i like to go fishing i ain't been fishing since i moved down he already knew that give us another give us another one let's see uh i walk around sixth street and just look at the homeless people it's kind of funny i i feel like you're not a comic in austin unless you pissed in an alley i'm just taking a look at all the turds back here what's going on it's just it's uh there's a lot of turds back there it's a lot for those of you that just listened to the show from far away let me tell you right behind us literally behind us about 15 feet behind us there's turds there's a lot yeah crazy okay red band this red band's one fart sound effect perhaps so trevor do you think you look any homeless at all oh yeah i'm sure i do you look like luke no comb all right yes sir seth shepard what's your family like are they real billy goats too yeah i come from a long line of prejudiced people oh yeah hell yeah they're great but uh i remember whenever i was on the show last uh cam patterson followed me up and he uh he said he's got a good slave on a voice yeah and for the next two months every time i call my dad he's like what's up slave on her voice i'm like you can't no it's his you can't say that that's i can't imagine what your dad's voice is like oh it's great that's uh he honestly i have a deeper voice than any i use smoke three packs a day so this ain't all natural i guess wow newports uh marlboro reds i thought you were one eighth black sorry fair point somebody didn't leave it's cool somebody did leave a pack of uh newport menthols at creek last night and i smoked every one i don't know whose they were but that was mine now hate that for you real quick before i let you out of here this soft dick she puked seven you were 17 she was 22. how did that end up happening it was my sister's friend and uh we got drunk i was at her house i her on her couch my sister's friend you have a voice like you would lose your virginity to your sister you ain't wrong you ain't wrong yeah no disrespect to west virginia kentucky yes sir yeah amazing and why was your dick soft because you were drunk too i had a fifth of whiskey that was uh we figured it out eventually but it's uh i i have an innate tolerance to whiskey it don't make any sense it's uh i get free drinks at some of the clubs around here and the other two weeks ago i had a full maybe 750 i don't even know but i've never had a hangover so i'm not learning lessons i wish i could the only hangover i've ever had was from tequila wow yep that's not interesting at all i'm sorry yeah no i love it it's good when the uh people watching the show actually fall asleep watching it because that means that we get the entire view that just stays on and then it rolls and then they have to watch it again so we get two views by having someone on like you early on in the episode i'm a businessman on top of a host and a comedian and a roaster so all right you're leaving here with a one-eighth normal size black joke book there you go thank you there he goes seth shepard everybody on to the next one we go there goes seth Thank you. There goes Seth, everybody. Oh, my goodness. Look who it is, everyone. The lovely Heidi, everybody. Live in the flesh. Go to HeidiRegina.com. Check out her podcast, Love on the Line. Also, check out the Kill Tony Band on YouTube. They have a new show, Find You Part 2. Or they have a new song. They do songs. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Julian Casas. Julian Casas. So I don't think Stephen Hawking fucked any kids. Because how? How? There's only one thing he could have done. Only one thing that makes any sense. He'd line them up on the ground. Put a ramp on either side. And turned his chair up to full speed. And he has the science to make it happen. I could just imagine his tires creating fire tracks. And I'm pretty sure that's how his face got that way. It's just the wind resistance. You know what I mean? He's just like. All right. That's my set. Julian Casas. Welcome, Julian. Is this your first time on the show? First time. I love it. Welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? Six months. Six months. Very good. Amazing premise and execution. The delivery felt organic. It felt like you're new. But it was good. Yes. Thank you. Because it created mystery. Kept us on the edge of our seats. Much like Stephen Hawking. So six months in the game. How old are you? 30. 30. What made you want to start six months ago? I was thinking about what I wanted to do with my life because I was working at Amazon. I was just tired of it. And I said, you know, what kind of life do I want to live? And I was like, do I want to be a rock star? Do I want to. Hell yeah. I like the optimism. But if I could put eight to ten hours a day into one of those things, I said comedy, I think, is the one thing that I could see myself working really hard on. What came in second place to stand-up comedy? Being a rock star, were you about to go buy. Were you going to go to Guitar Center or something like that and buy a guitar? Like, what was. I think. I don't think. There was no second place. It kind of just. Comedy was, like, the only thing I could see myself doing long-term. And working really hard on for. What ethnicity are you? Mexican. 100%? Both my parents, but I did a DNA test. It's, like, 35% native Mexican. Okay. How much percentage do you need to have an actual official ice rating here? Is it, like. 35%. All right, get it? They're on the way. Very cool. So what do your parents do? Moms stay at home. Mom, what does dad do? Am I right? Mom's on. Disability. Yeah. And dad's a forklift driver. Yeah, perfect. That's the direct makeup of Stephen Hawking right there, actually. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What kind of disability does your mom have? I knew you was going to ask. Schizophrenic. Oh, schizophrenic. Yes. Has that affected you a lot as a kid, I bet? Honestly, she's. It's very, like, low-key. She has voices in her head, but she handles it well. So she's not. Do the voices speak Spanish? I never thought to ask. Do the voices know anything Bad Bunny was saying at the Super Bowl halftime show? I'm just curious. Can your mother translate the halftime show? Oh, it's a good job. All right, I just made it. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what happened. I was watching the TPAC halftime show, so. No, I'm kidding. I would have to ask her. No, it's good. But nothing too nuts that she's ever done? Any big break meltdowns like Donnell did a few episodes ago? No, she's. Like, if she has, like, an episode, it's just really small her handling it herself. Is it an episode or a telenovela? What do you call it exactly? It's more like she's talking to herself, and I'm like, what's going on? Right. That makes sense. Dad's cool? You and Dad are close? Me and Dad are. Close, like. What does he think of. Go ahead. My parents got separated when I was, like, in second grade. But he lives in the same town, and I see him, like, pretty often. But which part, side of your mother, did he separate from? That's a good question. Yeah, um. Her main personality, I think, but supposedly. Supposedly it changed over time, so who knows? Does she live by herself now, or does she have another man? No, she lives by herself. She's been by herself for, like, the last, like, maybe, like, 20-something years. Okay. But in her head, she lives with a group of people, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, she took us with her, too, so there's, like, a whole. You still live with Mom? Not anymore. Nice. I moved to Austin, actually. You live by yourself? I live by myself. Nice. How are you able to afford that apartment now that you. Do you still work at Amazon? So, I was working at Amazon in California, and then I just, um. I said, you know what? I looked up the cost of living in Austin, and I said, you know what? I could pull out my savings, go to Austin, find a job, and then last for, like, as long as I need to last until, like, my comedy skills grow. Let me ask you this. How much money did you have saved up? About $14,000. Very good. What's your rent a month? Like $500, $575, $575. I live in a travel trailer. I don't live in a. Beautiful. In an apartment. Have you ever seen. Uncle Lazer out there? Hey, Julian, can you help me move this couch over here? Come on, give me a hand. Say my name three times. Let's go. Wow. Julian, you have any hobbies or anything like that? Sometimes I write things other than comedy. Like, I like to write poetry sometimes, too, and then draw. Nice. And, um. What else? Anything wild? Anything fun? It seemed like he would be a good eulogy writer. Yeah. You know, I have a. I made a couple friends here that. And at least one of them, you know, gets me out of the house, you know, makes sure that I'm not, like, stuck at home. You seem like the kind of guy that could drink tequila all day, have no hangover. I don't get a hangover. And if you had whiskey at all, you'd be tremendously hungover. Reverse of the last guy. I don't get hungover. Whiskey does make me emotional, though. Ooh, what kind of stuff happens to you if you drink whiskey? I start. Thinking about my life too much. Ah. Poetry. Are you going to get a job, though? Are you looking for a job? Just interrupt yourself? Poetry. It gets emotional. That's when you. I'm Ubering now. Ooh. Yeah. Okay. Uber Eats or just regular Uber with humans? Regular Uber. I like it better when the package gets in and out on its own. Nice. I love it. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Brilliant. Like I said, how about the Stephen Hawking thing? You have a very funny brain. I think you're just going to keep getting better. I don't think there's anything that can stop you, Julian. I see it. I've been doing this way too long. I know what it's like when someone has a premise and the only thing that needs catching up is their delivery, and that's where you are right now. It's incredible. Sign up again. Here's a big joke book. Thank you. Boom. Ooh. There you go. It happens. All right. Your next comedian works here. You know him. He became famous for talking about bags and boxes. This is a brand new minute from Jay Legend, everybody. Yeah, yeah. I had one on a date with a white woman. It's important that I say that part for the story. And as I was getting to know her, she was telling me how she was into gender pronouns and how she identified as a they, them, which is a crazy sentence to hear. But I'm a super chill guy. I don't overreact. I'm like, if that's how you choose to live your life, I'll call you. I'll tell you what you want to be called. But I did let them know before we go out, I can only afford to pay for me and you. And if that's going to be a problem, we shouldn't do this because they could come. Just make sure they bring money, for real. Because if they order anything off of this menu, they're going to pay for the shit, gratuity and all. I'm not going to be stuck with a bill for seven fucking people because you don't know who you want to be in life. That's not my responsibility, and I refuse to deal with it. The part that pissed me off the most was they got up when it was time to order. So now I look like a dumbass at the table because the waiter took the order. He's like, sir, what would you like? Put my order in with confidence. Then he was like, what about your guests? I'm like, I don't know what they want. He said, they? You expecting more people? I was like, no, it's just one of them. He said, one of them? I said, yes, nigga, one of them. I don't know what the fuck I just said. I'm confused, too. I thought you helped me figure this shit out, for real. Because at this point, it's us versus them, and we're losing. Hey, y'all was on talent, didn't you? Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday. very strong set welcome back jay appreciate y'all can i say something oh absolutely this is probably in the mind of everybody in this panel you can't say i just want to say my nigga oh yeah that's it appreciating not just because it's black history month just because you're black that was it so ice was on their way now we're calling the police everybody they're already here yes there he is watching with a watchful eye over there keeping an eye on everything uh jay how's life going man it's going good man i'm fucking just working here all the time making sure y'all shares is in order before y'all get in here taking out the trash when y'all leave all y'all zans on the fucking floor stop that shit that's true y'all laughing that's true somebody's got to do it one of the great door guys of the mothership jay what's your uh personal life like what are you doing out there you live by yourself oh no so i have a house full so i got a baby mama i'm not with she lived with me and i got my two kids and that's why she there so you're not with the baby mama but she lives with you yeah i pay all the bills and shit and she there because i come out and work nights so i need somebody to take care of the kids so she useful you have two kids with her yes okay baby mom before you ask yes but you don't that was my next question but you don't hook up with her at all ever no oh that's so toxic no hell no i'm scared i'm scared because if another kid happened i'm gonna jump off or something but you pay all the bills yeah do you ever look at her and go i am the captain now i should maybe that's not more arnold than anything that was horrible i'm sorry no that's that's perfect when you say it's a toxic relationship can you give us some examples of what you mean exactly okay so she got this super depressive personality where she can't be happy about shit in life and we know a good gun guy somebody said oh yeah yeah i already bought one it's on the way um yeah but i try to make things happy because i'm a comedian i like laughing and shit and she'd be like no i'm cool with being depressed and that can make for a toxic house so especially when you pay all the bills and you expect somebody to be happy with that and she comes like you know i'm cool with being depressed you know you left the lights on well bitch i paid the bills in here i get to i'll fucking leave all that you're gonna now you're gonna sleep in the light how about that you're damn right you're damn right so you don't ever get to hook up with chicks huh uh at their place yeah you can't come to my house there's too much going on in here right you imagine that happening how old are the kids four and one my son's four my daughter's one uh he got autism that's pretty cool oh damn yeah don't wish y'all it's cool as fuck he don't talk a lot so his house is quieter gotta think about the positives dumbass i love it i love it i wish more of you were autistic i got a question what was the demise of your relationship with your baby mom what was the demise uh it always was the depressive shit i thought it would get better like i was the type of guy i was like i don't want to just walk out this is my dad did we can't do the repeat shit so i was like let's stick around and see if it could work out and if i could like try to talk greatness into her and then after a while i'm like now i'm talking to a wall and uh you kind of just be like all right we're not gonna figure this out so i'm gonna be like i'm gonna be like i'm gonna be like i'm gonna be like so we just go our separate ways now was she the one that famously left you with bags and boxes yeah she was the one i wrote a song for her that was how much i tried we remember the legendary song but then you moved back in no she moved in with me oh she lived with me i want people to get that shit straight too because i ain't gonna get it wrong she lived with me they'd be like you live with your baby no she lived with me i'm not one of them couch sleeping baby daddies i'm fucking amazing that you are trying so hard to be a good father yeah thank you incredible it's like when you see like an asian basketball player or something like it's the opposite of the stereotype like how did that asian do that we know that asians are good at like ping pong or like you guys are good at walking out fucking breaking down barriers every day it's incredible i'm like jackie robertson of baby dads yep yep every black person's a jackie robertson jackie robertson was the jackie robertson uh jay anything else crazy in life going on i mean not crazy i got some past shit you know like the blackest shit about me is uh i was almost sold for crack as a baby that was uh uh insane yeah my so i had 70 year old parents and uh they left me with my crackhead grandma and then they came back from working at burger king and my mom was like where's my baby and trying to get that answer from a crackhead is pretty hard and my dad was a crack dealer so he knew all the hot spots so he was like you chill out and i'm gonna go find him he came back like two hours later with me that's a crazy fucking that is a crazy story i could have been with a better family how much did they try to sell you for i don't know but i think it was like two fucking dime bags or whatever which back then that's i was born in the 90s so i feel like when i was a kid i was like i'm gonna go find him i'm gonna go find him i'm gonna go find him with inflation that would be like an eight ball which is a lot of money yeah so i was an expensive ass baby this nigga proud he was he's like good job incredible jay you are very charismatic did you happen to hear any weird noises while you were up here did you notice anything yeah uh don't give a fuck see i like uh the fucking fire detector i don't change the batteries on purpose it's like white noise for me it's like a little instrumental waiting to happen it's a metronome for you funny that it's white noise to you because it's a black noise jay you already have a big joke book right yeah is it filled up yeah it's filled up okay here's another one jay legend getting a black one yeah yeah little black baby joke book jay legend everybody on to the next one we're flying through it tonight your next bucket pool ladies and larsen everyone make some noise for derek larsen hey what's up guys uh i'm not from texas uh when i first moved here i thought i was gonna have to learn like the texas lingo right so i started saying things like howdy i reckon and yee-haw after somebody would say the n-word yeah i learned pretty quick that's not how people talk in austin at all no people here they say things like woke and progressive and if you live here long enough you'll say the same kind of stuff too like the other day this person walks by and i turn to my buddy i go damn dude check out the ass on that they them now a little about me i have a pocket pussy yeah i'll be honest with you guys after use it a couple times starts to taste kind of weird uh yeah but hey a chef should never fear his own recipe am i right fellas yeah my pocket pussy is also brown so you know when i'm using it i'm yelling yee-haw all right yeah cool damn i hooked up with uh this big girl recently yeah talk about a heavy sleeper all right fuck thank you derrick larson all right this is your first time on the show derrick yes sir welcome welcome how long you been on stand-up uh like seven years on and off yee-haw okay yeah damn when did you move here uh three years ago three where'd you come from wichita kansas wichita kansas oh my god okay matt doesn't say anything ever yeah he speaks once every two months i said wichita he said where did you go where did you come from caught night show uh again autism is spreading through the united states of america it is an epidemic uh derrick wichita kansas and what do you do for work i am a uh rope access technician so i like clean the high rises and stuff on ropes like like cleaning windows maintenance whatever but on ropes very nice uh what's the highest you've ever been on a building uh ballpark on the one on the rainy it's one of the rainiest new buildings in the world it's the highest you've ever been on a building it's uh like 45 stories so drop and it has an overhang which is it was scary you ever thought about it oh i gotta go to work tomorrow yes no i'm no tell us about this pocket pussy true or no do you eat it like a go-gurt how'd you do it just slurp it all the way up you gotta make it work you know no i know right uh let me ask you this when you're out there cleaning windows you know i'm not going to do that i'm not going to do that i'm not going to do that i can tell you red band can tell you a lot of stuff goes down and you never know when you people are coming what's the craziest thing you've ever seen inside of one of these crazy windows oh man It's so fun. Everybody has such great stories. Mine are it's kind of gay It's just wind gauges now, I don't know what happened. It wasn't fun, man It was so you like you drop and like of course, they don't know we're coming I dropped on this window and I swear to God this dude Was just jerking off on his couch and like he looked at me and made eye contact and like kept going. I Swear to God I would have nutted on the window. I'm gonna clean that bitch Oh, we don't think you could see us I think that's the main thing like like I always think they you can't see the reflections and shit We act we tried to like make it seem like we don't see that was this day He was like boy of a window washer come down here It's gonna be No doubt about it. Yeah, it was so weird is a weird situation and I got to finish that I can't just drop that I can't like just drop down you enjoyed this shit mother. Yeah, it was new You could miss And impossible that go a little bit Got a little lower, but you chose to stay there You know what I would have done, you know me I would have stared right at the guy started jerking off myself But I would have taken my rappel rope and wrapped it once around my neck Really just fucking really gotten into it. I'm into crazy shit There's a certain level of success where you hit where you can't just come like a normal person anymore I have to absolutely be getting choked out by something. What does that cost? What is it? I call a pooling a David Carradine. What is it called? That's a freak anybody could pronounce that as a fucking freaky motherfucker. Yeah autoerotic is fixed asphyxiation Michael Gonzales our resident kink Okay, so Derek give us a crazy fun fact about your life Wichita, Kansas you got some hillbilly parents no my parents are pretty cool I was a pretty bad drinker Well, I've had a drinking problem for like seven years And recently I like stopped finally what made you stop my parents came and visited And I was like what you guys know where I live no No, they it wasn't like that. It was like a very heart-to-heart like how bad was it? Were you drinking during the day? Yeah, it was self basically every night drinking about half a bottle of whiskey Wow Yeah, it got pretty bad to where it was every night, but I wouldn't do it like During work or anything obviously, but I would wake up still drunk and be like, this is horrible Yeah, and then seven years later. I'm like I'm gonna do something about it. Yeah How old are you again? I'm 31 31. Yeah Black there you go. There's still time red band to say you just get a bigger bottle of whiskey get one of those big Costco jugs Oh, well, so I had like a legit problem where I would buy the small bottle because I'm a I like drinking out of the bottle And then I'd fill it up with a big bottle. So I'd like buy the big bottle and just keep refilling the small bottles Oh, yeah, you had a problem. Yeah. Yeah Wow, yeah I think it was a problem because I would just stay home and drinks I'm like, I'm not hurting anybody but it turns out hurt myself amazing Worst night of drinking you ever had would you ever hit a bottom before you kept going? I one time I got drunk and I took Mike I obviously in Kansas. It gets cold and it snows I didn't realize that when people made snowmen like after a couple days it turns into pure ice Me and my buddy got drunk one night and we just plowed through snowmen through people's yards in my car. Yeah, fuck my car up Oh, yeah Fucked it and now we were so drunk. We're like, this is so fun. And then the next day I'm like, oh my god My dad's gonna beat the shit out of me Wow Incredible. Yeah, what's your love life like Derek non-existent? I haven't a girlfriend in a long time Have you kissed a girl since you moved to Austin? Yeah, I moved to here three years ago. So perfect. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you gotta snag one every now and again You know get him on 6th Street why they're yeah incomprehensible. I don't know With your rope. Come here bitch. Yeah, I Love it. Well Derek fun times. Here's a here's a joke book. How about a hand for Derek Larson everybody? Thank you so much, man. Yeah All right, we're flying through it tonight Here's your next you guys having fun out there All right, make some noise for your next one. It's Nick Cano everybody. Nick Cano is next on I Was talking to my black friend the other day on the phone and he was ignoring me It's really pissing me off. So I was like, you know a man fuck you go to hell, you know, go to black hell That got his attention. Yeah, he turned around real quick. He'll black hell is crazy, bro Is it you guys think hell's not segregated? It's run by the fucking devil Like the most evil guy of all time What do you think black that would be like just more every day finding out you are the father forever That's what I'm talking about. I mean, I don't even know what I'm talking about I mean, I don't even know what I'm talking about. I mean, I don't even know what I'm talking about Baby's name is smoke detector always needs batteries, you know There's gay hell. There's two levels of gay hell. There's top and bottom. Hell. Yeah, not homophobic. I just hate people that love to gossip Japanese hell would just be even Vietnamese heaven. I Don't know I think Mexican hell is actually froze over right now because of all the ice I'm just really glad I don't have to go to Indian Hill. Can you imagine how bad that place fucking smells? Holy shit. Thank you so much guys I'm just really glad I don't have to go to Indian Hill. Holy shit. Thank you so much guys Fuck yeah, Nick Cano Sticking with one bit for a full minute great stuff, man How long you been on stand-up a year and a half year and a half all of it in Austin at Fort Worth Okay, that's where you live now. Yes, sir. Awesome. What do you do for work? I work at Big Laugh You got comedy club in Fort Worth, okay Perfect. I actually feel like I'm in black hill listening to these jokes Oh my god, I'm in black hell in Black History Month. What the fuck am I doing? You had to start with black hell you could have ended you should have closed the black hill I should have but I feel like that would be more disrespectful, you know It is Black History Month, you know put him from the front of the joke instead of the back of the buses That was a good team, that was fucking funny Damn I'm in black heaven right now. That was a funny joke Nick tell us more about your life. You look like you could be fucking everything I've been told I look ambiguous and I fucking hate it. I'm 100% Mexican. You look like a big mouth character for sure I fucking wish What's a new troll going on with you, buddy? I fucking wish I'd probably get pussy Wow So you're a hundred percent Mexican. Yeah, what are your parents like they are? Dead Wow. Yeah, how did they die? My mom had like a fucking brain aneurysm How did your dad die my dad died do a funny story guys I tried to kill myself one time and my dad misses dialysis So one day he woke up having a heart attack and I was still overdosing or like high on Xanax So I had to drive him like 120 miles an hour to like 30 minute away Hospital Took the wrong turn and he died in the car Wow, that's one of the most amazing answers to a question I've ever gotten on this show So how long ago did that happen that was in 2018 2018 yes, I'd imagine you felt a lot of guilt. Oh, yeah, it definitely didn't help at all that, uh, I Was high the whole time You know annoying it is to be woken up at all by your parents Imagine being like stoned high off of Xanax and your dad's like I'm having a heart attack. What the fuck are you talking about, dude? I was freaking out. I hated it. So I just delved into it more and went to jail and shit, right? I think his hill is a lot worse than black hill Yeah That's how you inhale is a mother that's why I go to church now Yeah, do you go to church now? No, that's a lie. Oh You're a funny guy Nick, thank you, that's what it takes it takes a lot of darkness people with two dead parents are always very funny It's a thing green. Yeah, everybody should kill their parents. There you go. Yeah, if you want to make it big you know what? That's right Amazing. What else what other trauma do you have in life? Because you said your parents were dead like it was nothing I Actually do this show called trauma dumping because there's a bunch of bullshit This girl one time I took her to go see Sam talent hyenas And she threw up all over me and told me she was cheating on me Wow and then said I asked her why and she goes I just find them more attractive than you in every way possible so I lost like a hundred pounds and Yeah, it started being really mean girls You started being really mean to girls. Yeah. Oh my god in what way tell us about that? um Like I don't know a period you're not supposed to hook up with comics because it makes things really weird Like speak for yourself You make anything really weird, yeah, I do touché wait, you know what touché means In fact, the guy that had the gun, I'm gonna tell you. Bring it back so you can shoot yourself right in the fucking temple. I'll send you a letter what hell I end up in. Yeah God damn it. I love you, dude. Yeah Amazing Nick before I let you go what? Let him get the fuck out of here. I love them. There's some rope on the balcony. Yeah, just fucking Just be the first time I walk before you do man What I do Listen look how much better I make this garbage as comedian Now he's got his rhythm. It's dark We're having fun and I appreciate that and what I found for that something feels like You need to be pushed in the corner to really be funny You are coming from a dark place and I think it's something to be said to have as much Tragedy as you had in your life to be able to make fun of it Even though I'm the butt of your jokes I don't have a problem with that but something sparked you to be funny Cuz other shit You did was very suicidal now You're gonna live Let's find out Nick Cano, I love your style. Love your jokes amazing stuff. Here's a big joke book great stuff Fuck out Nick Cano Nick Cano everybody I just mutumbled his whole dreams Not today motherfucker Well, this is very exciting. This looks like a new name. Make some noise ladies and gentlemen for Randolph Davies everybody Randolph Oh, okay No way No way No way That's what I said when my masseuse told me she farted in my mouth while I was asleep I was I've been on the road with the Counting Crows for about 35 years Now you see a lot of stuff you get a lot of While things get you down get you tense, so I try to get a massage from time to time and I Went to this I used to get a massage from this girl. She started having too many seizures so Had to stop doing using her but uh So I got a new girl bigger girl Fat you could say And a lot of that would push push up on top me almost get it get a massage getting relaxed fell asleep and I wake Up and and she goes hey, sorry about the fart And I said, uh What? At first I thought she was blaming, you know blaming me like sorry about you couldn't control your asshole, you know, and then I said, uh, I Said my bad. It has a mind of its own. She goes no. No, I I'm the one that farted I'm the farter is what she said. I said, I don't know why don't know why you would you know turn yourself in after you robbed the bank, but That's not gonna help your reviews, you know I'm saying I'm not gonna go online and say Tina's super honest. I love that And if you fall asleep at the right moment, she'll put a little secret in your mouth for free All right, that's all my time. Thank you so much This is incredible Unbelievable Execution writing timing beats. It all seems genuine. The cowboy hat doesn't fit. You're at the top here But you seem like you got a lot of stories pal, I could I could tell you if you Wow, what was working with the counting crows for that long like I was basically the guy that tuned the guitars get him drugs Find find restaurants, you know that were fun to go to get him pad tie whenever they need it, you know Yeah One time one time we were in New Jersey and Durris and I went to a regular massage parlor and You can always tell when it's not, you know, the marquee is just a little bit worn down kind of like the The people inside, you know, yeah, and we get in there and and right away. I don't want to do the accent but you know who was you know and She said something I didn't understand and And I knew what it meant though, you know saying there was a twinkle in her eye Like she you know, like she was down to clown, you know so Adam and I went in they only had one room so we had to be in there together and Well long story short, we we both got jerked off at the same time And this was two days before Christmas I learned I looked over to him and I said boy, this is quite the long December Wow. Randolph Davies has arrived to the Kill Tony universe. I've noticed that almost every one of your jokes and stories revolves around getting a massage. Well, you know, life gets hard, Tony. You got to relax. And it's the only way for me to shut down mentally and physically. So some people, you know, I'll play a little Xbox Live from time to time. Wow. Free Britney 69 if you want to find me on Xbox, by the way. That's your handle? Free Britney? Is that for Britney Spears? No, for Britney Griner. Oh. Oh, he picked up the toothpick and right back in the mouth. This is a true road dog. Hey, Lord knows this thing ain't been worse places than I have. Wow. Randolph, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? First time. This is your first time. First time ever on stage. Absolutely worked continuous beats on the audience like a pro. Like someone that's been doing it for decades. Absolutely incredible. What made you want to. How old are you? 55. 55. What made you want to start stand-up here on Kill Tony tonight at 55? Well, you know, life gets crazy, Tony. I've been living in Temecula for about the last 14 years, right? My wife and my ex-wife became friends. We opened up a winery called Oops, which I know sounds like a jokey beverage establishment, but it's actually, you know, it's kid-friendly. We have a little petting zoo and all that shit, you know. But my point is, you know, I've traveled everywhere. I've done everything, and I just figured, you know, shit. It's either. It's either, you know, fuck a guy or do stand-up at this point. Wow. You came to the right show, buddy. Yep. Bad boy. I like her. I'm out in play. I got a question for you. You say this is your first time doing stand-up? That's right, sir. But it's obvious that you had some jokes that you prepared. How long did you think about doing stand-up before you decided you actually were going to do it? Well, you know, I was told there'd be no pop quizzes on this show. I'm just trying to get people to know. I just want. I was trying to. I hear you. I hear you. I hear you. I hear you. I hear you. Settle down. Settle down. This is why I don't want to have to give good advice to try to do some. No, no, no, no. I read you. I read you loud and clear. I appreciate it. You know, it's one of those things, again, I've done it all. I've been around the moon and back. you know yeah and uh you just get to a point where you go that's what else is there to do but also i got so many stories i don't want to put them in a book you know nobody reads books anymore right they either listen to the book or they want to go see the book live in film form how long did it take you to decide is this something you really wanted to do about 15 about 15 minutes okay you see you see you see you see you see i'm not a guy i'm not a guy darnell that that does i don't he's paying attention he's paying attention i'm i'm a fan i'm not a i'm not a guy that likes to plan ahead life throws so much at you life life is i mean i've i mean i'm you know i've dated girls i've you know i've pregnant girls i've a girl with you know oh man she had cervical cancer for about a month what was that like can you describe that the sex was unbelievable because she thought it was you know it was she thought this was a rap you know so we uh we got to do everything you know she beat it he beat it shout out to jill wow absolutely incredible and the pregnant women you said women plural randolph davies i did didn't i yeah you did what's that like? I've never been with a pregnant woman. Is there something that you notice that's different than a pregnant woman than a woman that isn't pregnant? I mean, look, that's, you know, that's like asking someone to explain the plot of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. You know what I'm saying? You want to know, but you don't have time. Do you have any fun stories about Courtney Cox? I thought you were going to ask me to do the secret show. I'd love to have you on the secret show. Amazing. No, I'm busy. I'm busy. You can't make it to the secret show. Gotta get a wart removed. I do. I got a wart on my finger. Those pregnant bitches got it somewhere. Wow. What was the question, Brian? Do you ever have any fun stories about Courtney Cox? You know, counting crows. Yeah, I party with Courtney a couple of times as pre-friends. And she's wild, spunky. Yeah. People always say Matthew Perry was a crazy one because of the whole hot tub thing. But no, she, Courtney Cox was spunky, adventurous, always. Every other day, she's like, you want to go bungee jumping or, you know, go down to, you know, go down to Yoshinoya. You ever, you know what Yoshinoya is? It's a fast food Chinese restaurant. Yeah. I mean, they should call it E. coli city. Yeah. But she always wanted to eat there. So to me, that was, well, she's a risk taker, right? But I saw her tits once. Yeah. Beautiful. And I don't want to say like, that's, you know, I don't know her personally because of that, but I, you know, once you see someone half naked, you get a little bit more familiarity, right? What was the question again, Brian? The perfect answer. No, you nailed it. It was great. Very funny. You nailed it. So you were a roadie for the counting crows for 35 years? That's right. I'd imagine you know how to play the guitar. Right. Are there any other instruments or special skills or talents that you have? No, I was an auctioneer for a little bit. Um, you know, mostly, you know, there's haikus, you know, my, I had a nephew, uh, well have, I guess he's, you know, he's an RIP. He's not dead. He's dead to me, but he's, uh, shout out to Nathan, but he, you know, he's just went down the wrong path as we back, you know, but, but, uh, he would always try to coerce me into going down to his little slam poetry things and, and no offense, but there, you know, one too many Indian people down there, you know, which is fine. I just hadn't, you know, it's, they're always coming up, you know, big counting crow fans, you know, the Indian people. So just a lot of questions from my side of things. And I just, you know, want to be out, enjoy, support my nephew. And here I am, you know, oh yeah, no, I was at Sarasota too, sir, you know, but yeah, so, uh, spoken, you know, if you guys want to hit me with a little, something, I can give you a little bit of a slam poetry that I used to. Oh, hell yeah. Absolutely. I could, I could listen to you and talk to you all day. Randolph Davies, let it rip something in the key of E, but also dealer's choice. You know, it's your show. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Randolph Davies, the kill Tony debut of Randolph Davies. Well, I was driving drunk again down the four Oh five. Couldn't quite remember if I wanted to be alive. So I opened up my book and I remembered what captain hook said in Peter pan. He said, he said, give me all them boys. Give me all them girls. I'm going to take them to the plank and watch them vanilla swirl down into the ocean deep inside the ocean. There might be sharks. Look out and big old fish and trout. Maybe we can get back to land and find my friend. Stan. He had drugs. Stan always had drugs. I'll tell you this. What Stan gave me a pill one time and I danced with a coconut tree for an hour and a half. Ooh, she could move. She could groove. But one thing I learned in this life at 55 years old, is that even through a pandemic mold is mold. So throw that peanut butter in the trash. It ain't good no more. I'm allergic to gluten, by the way. All right. That's it. Thank you so much. That's it out of me. Randolph Davies. Wait, Randolph, I got to tell you, every once in a while, an absolute saint comes around. My friend, you are the newest Golden Ticket winner here on Kill Tony. Randolph, take that with you. Randolph Davies, ladies and gentlemen, an absolute phenom. I'm sure we'll be seeing more of Randolph in the very near future. All right. Well, you guys, this is the greatest show in the world or what, huh? There's Heidi. All right. Let's get another bucket full up here. Make some noise for Pat O'Neill, everybody. Pat O'Neill. Folks, I was watching Batman earlier and it really got me thinking, you know, because Bruce Wayne, his alter ego is Batman, inspired by his paralyzing fear of bats. So I guess then my superhero name would be Black Man. Man. Okay. And considering how many of these superheroes get their power from radiation, not nearly enough of them are true. So I'm going to go with Batman. Or Japanese. Come on, Asian jokes are shortsighted. And what do I know? Until Oppenheimer came out, I thought Nagasaki was about black blowjobs. Speaking of overreactions, Hamas really brought a knife to a fucking space laser fight, huh? Holy shit. I'll never understand how conflict in the Middle East has lasted so long. Considering half of them face the same way five times a day. Fucking sneak up behind them. Problem solved. You are welcome, Jews. Okay. Thank you. Wow. Pat O'Neill has done it again. You are one of the funniest people, Pat. How's life going, buddy? All right. How about you? I'm great, Pat. I'm great. Good, good. Pat looks like this all the time, by the way. This isn't a character or anything. He looks and sounds suicidal, but I would try to save his life. I'm telling you, I don't know too much about you, whatever, but you have a very funny, funny energy. It always reminds me of Howie Mandel, when Howie Mandel first started, right? He had this nervous energy, and he worked with it. This is my first time seeing you, but you're funny, you sound funny, and you're funny. Thank you. Remember the last time you were on, you wanted to fuck that trans girl? Thank you, sir. I'm sorry, Tom. I'm sorry. You know what? That's funny. I'll just leave it at that. My DMs are already blown up. I don't need no more Tonya Tonys in my motherfucking DM, but I do remember that time where I misspoke, and I said something that was inappropriate. That's what I remember, but you're still funny. Thank you. Thank you, Tom. Did you fuck that trans girl? I fucking, let's get to it together after. Oh, hell yeah. Look at that. Someone ordered the charcuterie board. There's three types of crazy meat at this party. Pat, what is your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that would fuck almost anything. Out of the dating game, doing that thing lately where you'll whack off for hours before finishing. Ooh. Tell us about that. What's that like? What's it called again? Edgy. Oh, yeah. Coke. I'm doing a lot of cocaine. Tough to come on Coke. Wow. - Incredible, where are you, - How often are you doing cocaine? - Uh, I don't know. - Now? - Yes. No, not anymore. - Not anymore. - Deviated septum. - Oh. - Better to go to sleep every now and then. - Yeah, you're such a funny guy, Pat. - Are you getting on stage a lot here in Austin? - Yeah, yeah, I just, every night. - Yeah. - What do you do for work? - Uh, I got fired two weeks ago. - Ooh, fired from? - Uh, like a mortgage company job. - What did you do to get fired? - Um. Cocaine. - Yeah. That's how the septum got deviated. - Yes. I understand the nature of the show, but I have like a severance thing where I'm getting paid, so I like literally cannot. - Perfect answer. - I'm sorry. - No, it's great. No, I love it. Saying I understand the nature of the show, but I have a severance thing is actually the best answer I think we've ever gotten for that question. - I can't be homeless, I'm sorry. - No, it's fantastic. - If you already look at it, you can't actually live it. - Tell us something else crazy about your life, Pat. How did you end up like this? Are your parents dead, too? - My dad is, yes. - Yep, there you go. - That is a doorknob. - How did your dad die? - Uh, liver cirrhosis at age 40. - Oh, wow. My God. How much was he drinking to get that at 40? - Uh, a lot. - Yeah, all day? - Yes. - Yeah. - Yes. - Amazing. I ask these questions because I like to have a few drinks at night and I get scared. I'm a little hypochondriac. 40, that's amazing. How old was he when he had you? - Uh, I don't know. - How old were you when he died? Let's put it that way. - 16, I think. - Okay, how old are you now? You look like you could be anything. Somehow still look 16. You locked in. - Vampire. - 29. - 29, perfect. - Jesus. - Yeah, yeah. - You guys might not be able to hear it over the podcast, but the entire crowd just gasped and all said different words. A lot of fuck Jesuses. - Very rude audience. - Make these fuckers laugh. - Pat, you are absolutely hilarious. We love you here on this show. Keep coming back. ♪ Golden ticket gold ♪ - Is that what you want? - More than anything in the world. - Really? - I changed my whole life. - Well, I just did the only one I have up here away, but. - I won't disappoint you. I won't bother you to be on a lot. - You know, we got another one. Fuck you, Pat O'Neal. You just won a golden ticket. Boom. There you go. - Thank you. - Congratulations. ♪ Golden ticket gold ♪ - Secret on Thursday. - There you go. You're gonna invite him to do the secret show? All right, well, it's good when you do it on the mic, but there you go. He's got a gig on Thursday. Oh, okay. - He's gonna sell that shit on Facebook Marketplace, for sure. - Yeah. - Honestly, I think he was deserved for a long time ago. He's one of the funniest. - Of course, yes. I completely agree. I completely agree. It takes a lot to do that as a normal white guy nowadays. And he always absolutely knocks it out of the park. How about one more time for Pat O'Neal, everybody? There are golden ticket winners on this show that leave a veils, and sometimes we can squeeze them into the show. And then there are regulars, ladies and gentlemen. Your next comedian, is a regular, and there is a big difference between regulars and golden ticket winners. Regulars have to write a new minute every single week. This is one of those guys. He was once the dark storm of Atlanta. Now he is the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some fucking noise for the one and only. This is a brand new set from Dedrick Flynn. - Yeah! Y'all, me and my white roommate, I had to go do a show in Marble Falls, Texas. It's not a real place, even though I went there. And when the sun went down, I looked at my roommate, I said, "I think it's time for us to go. "I think that's the rules out here." And so we start driving back, and the shit looked on the way, there's no like street lights. It looked like where you meet the devil, and that nigga charged, like he challenged you to play guitar for your soul. And so while we driving, I looked at him and I said, "Yo, I gotta pee. "I'm about to pee in this Gatorade bottle." And then he looked at me, his white ass said, "I'll just pull over." No nigga, you're not, all right? We are not, we're not stopping here. And then he was like, "What, are you scared like a mountain lion's "gonna come get you?" I said, "Nigga, that's best case scenario." Worst case scenario, a white guy. Like that, I'm trying to take a piss and a nigga come out of the cornfield talking about, "You fellers lost." Wrong turn, now I'm getting raped and slowly eaten. Like, I don't care what you say. If y'all was in the woods and you saw a white guy just appear the whole time in your head, you're like, "I wish this nigga was a grizzly bear." 'Cause you can, they have shit for bears. They got the shit called bear mace. You spray it on a bear and the bear get the fuck away. There's a hundred videos of it working. There's twice as many videos of a white guy walking through bear mace and getting tased, still trying to make a point. And I told that bitch, "Did you bring my mace? "Did you bring my soda over there?" Nigga, I don't wanna do that. That's just scary. And if we being honest, nigga, the scariest bears are white. Polar bears don't, all they do is kill. Nigga, that's just, my biggest fear is running to a polar bear with no Coca-Cola. Actually, let me change that. My biggest fear is running to a polar bear with Pepsi, nigga. That, now I'm getting raped and slowly eaten by a goddamn polar bear. That's my time. I love y'all. - Kendrick, Glenn has done it again. Donnell. - No, I wanna, this is interesting because I've said this before. This is one of the best, this reminded me of back in the day with Def Jam where it was a platform where people that you didn't see get to perform. I saw you, you pulled up, I don't know, in my algorithms or something. And I think I commented. - You did. - On your page. And I said, I said original, I said authentic, and I said something else. - You said, you said I was really funny. It was a great written joke and it was authentic and this is a real comic. I know 'cause I screenshotted it and I said it to my mama immediately. - Nigga, immediately. I said, I said that's your thing. - And even though with this show, you get some duds, but it also gives everybody an opportunity to do their shit. So for me to come see you, I was like, oh, that's the motherfucker. Just randomly, I saw that shit 'cause you don't always see that. So not just because you black, you're a funny guy. You're original, man. And I wish you the best. You're gonna be big. - I hate to love you, man. - Yeah. - Marble Falls, huh? - Yeah. - How far is that? - 45 minutes in the wrong direction. - I'm pretty sure 45 minutes any direction in Austin's the wrong direction. - I see where they got the airport 'cause you need to get the fuck over. That shit was terrifying. I thought we was gonna get pulled over the whole time. And I don't wanna get, 'cause the cops in Texas, these niggas is like fourth generation cops. It's like, they was like, my daddy was a sheriff and his daddy was the sheriff. And I don't want no nigga with the athletic ability to see that I'm doing crime. - Just to let y'all know, he say these niggas, he meant police, okay? All right. - Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up. - The police. The police love you. - Y'all good. Y'all good, but I'm talking about the other ones. - What's the worst run-in with the cops that you've had, Dedrick? - Ooh, shit. - Oh, shit, nigga. These, they, all right, I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes I do deserve to get caught doing crime. - Especially if you smiles. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it, that's it. So we was stealing from the, we was stealing from like the gas station when we was kids. And we thought we could run away, but they don't teach you as a kid, you can't outrun a cop car. And that nigga just pulled over there. He pulled me and my brothers over there, like slammed us on the ground. We were like seven, eight years old. And the old time, he was like, "What did you take?" And I was like, "Aw, nigga, I took him some gum." And he was like, "Bro, I can see your pockets." And I didn't see that. I had like Flamin' Hot Cheetos in one pocket. I had a whole set. I was like, "Nigga, that's the easiest." They saw me, I wasn't a good stealer. So I started selling drugs. - Started selling drugs at seven or eight years old. - Yeah, they need 'em. - The hustle starts early. Amazing. Dedrick is, Dedrick is from Atlanta, Georgia. You have any history in Atlanta? - Not that I want to talk about. - You did, we, you had did the Laughin' Skull one time and I had came out 'cause Johansay Collins brought me out to the Laughin' Skull and I had did that Oreo joke and you was, like when I walked back, they would say, "That nigga was dying laughing "at your jokes," and I cried in the green room until you walked back in 'cause-- - I was laughing at your joke? - Yeah, you looked, I was really good then too. - No, it's safe to say that. I'm telling you, this is so random because, you know, you just popped up on my timeline and a lot of times I was like, "Boo, boo, boo, boo," but then, and the fact that this was the second time that I listened or heard you tell jokes and I appreciate it, that's, not that I'm the fuckin' god to this shit, but, you know, I really appreciate it. Obviously, I've been appreciatin' what you've been doin' from the longest time 'cause I haven't been to the Laughin' Skull in a long time. - Yeah, that was, that was a long time ago 'cause you was, you was pissed off because you wanted the Cowboys to lose so you could talk shit to Charlemagne, the guy. - Exactly, fuck that. - That's it. - Old car tour face, high cheekbone, havin' that Maybelline product, wearin' that Simi Simi Cocoa Pop, motherfucker. I'm sorry, Charlemagne, we're at odds with each other. Trevor Wallace, what is it like to be inside of an Oreo cookie right now? About to be double stuffed, that's for sure. I feel like I'm in a cuck situation right here. They're just glazing each other back and forth. You got deaf comedy jam to your sides and blind comedy jam behind you. Dedrick, you are the fucking man. We're going to keep it moving. Dedrick's done it again. Dedrick did it again. Onward we go. Ah, look at this name. This looks new and interesting. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. It is Vincenzo Maraschio. Vincenzo Maraschio. I got a confession to make, guys. The first time I saw you, the first time I ever heard of LGBTQ+, I thought it was like a fancy way of saying I want everything on my burger. Turns out it's a fancy way of saying you love everything up your ass. I'm from the East Coast and I'm a foodie. So the first time I heard of Grindr, I thought it was an app for sandwiches. Turns out it's for dicks. Yeah. So I came in the dude's mouth. I was like, where's the sandwich? When does it show up? I'm way hungrier and a lot more yay now. Yeah. I really didn't know that guy was gay until about a week later. He texted me. He was like, do you want to go to a Dallas Cowboys football game? That was it. That didn't mean all right. That's been my time. Thank you, guys. Vincenzo Marascio. That was the most interesting way to come out of the closet I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. You should have just opened up with, so I sucked this guy's dick and then. Okay. Yeah, it was interesting. It was almost all gay sandwich themed. First joke was about a burger. The next one was about a sandwich, but both were gay jokes. Not gay. And if you want to know something crazy, I've only ever eaten black pussy. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Slept with white girls. Just never got around to eating their pussy. How did you get around to eating a black pussy? I just hooked up with a lot of black chicks. A lot of black chicks? They like me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? I like them. It's better seasoned. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lots of flavor. Red band. I shouldn't be laughing at this shit, but that was funny. So, how many black pussies do you think you've eaten? Wow. And why do I feel like you're talking about actual cats? No, no, no. Probably three dozen, but yeah, definitely. Three dozen black pussies? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know how many a dozen is? The majority of chicks I've hooked up with are black, yeah. I think you can say it. Some of them do want me to, yeah, at times. Wow. You think you've eaten ballpark 36 black pussies? 100%, yeah, yeah. Really? Oh, yeah. Uh, but not one white one? No. How many white women do you think you've had sex with? Not a lot, less than 10. Less than 10. How many black women do you think you've had sex with? Probably close to 50. Wow. Where are you? I want to see if he's telling the truth. Go, go right ahead. Finish this sentence right here. The black of the berry, sweet of the juice. Yes, he's a handsome black pussy. Oh, come on. That's entry level. Let's do another one. Wu-Tang Clan. Cut the lights off. All right, well. Get the covers. Oh, you know what? Let's end this game. Uh, Jesus Christ almighty. This show's out of fucking control. Makes me wonder how many black pussies Randolph Dabies has eaten. Uh, so. How many black pussies have you? Yeah. Shut the fuck up. We could call it. Face that way. How many black pussies have you eaten? Face that way. Vincenzo, shut the fuck up. I work at the Vulcan now. Oh, you work at Vulcan Gas Company. Uh, you're a door guy there? Yep. Okay, what did you do before that? I sell sports cards and Pokemon cards and stuff like that. Pokemon cards? And that got you black pussy? Yeah. You ever seen a holographic bitch? Nope. I got a supplier for the little boo-boos. Wow. Okay. Vincenzo, Vincenzo. You've been on this show before. Correct? Yes. What did we find out during that interview? Uh, just that I'd been working out. I lost almost 100 pounds recently. How did you do that? Yeah, thank you, guys. How did I do it? Yeah. Only eating black pussy? Yeah, literally. Shit gets you stressed out. You lose a lot of weight. Yeah. How did you lose the weight? Running and eating salad. Like, yeah. Fuck yeah. Salads at Chick-fil-A. Well, like, if you're, like, 'cause I've been on the road doing a little bit of comedy. Comedy and stuff. Trying to, like, eat healthy. Fucking get salads at fast food places. Try to do shit like that. Do as smart as shit you can, you know? And fucking eat a bunch of black pussy, too. That's. Okay. Is there anything else interesting about you? He was starving. He's not eating a lot of black pussy in his audience right now. I did get two beautiful white girls to show me their tits in front of the Sunset Strip. Yeah, yeah. Okay. It was, uh. Homeless tits, everybody. No, no, no. Not homeless tits. Everyone loves homeless tits, everybody. They were, like, OnlyFans girls. Fansly or whatever. Yeah. Fucking. It was dope. All right, Vincenzo. Ellie James and. Okay, all right, Vincenzo. There he goes. That man's gonna want to see their tits. They're not gonna let you hit. Yeah. How'd you get him to show it? And talk slowly? They. So, they asked me how many black pussies I had eaten. No, they asked me. Vincenzo, I'm gonna get you out of here. Here's a little black joke book. You can munch on later. There you go. There he goes. Vincenzo Marascio. We're gonna keep it moving along here. Thank you. All right. We're having fun here. This is a three-word name. Make some noise for Jerry Debo Smith. Jerry Debo Smith, everyone. Uh, I like to eat pussy. But don't get me confused with these young dudes eating ass, calling it groceries. That's not groceries. That's chitlins, and you niggas need to stop. That is chitlins. I think a lot of dudes eat ass because they still don't know what a clitoris is, but I do. And because of that, I have two rules, ladies. Like, the first one is if I can smell it before you take your pants off, I'm not eating that shit. And they always get mad at you when you tell 'em that they pussy stink like they don't know. Like, bitch, you knew that pussy smelled like a 91-degree day in Puerto Rico before you came over here. And the second one is, um, if you ever had an abortion. Yeah, I always lose people on that part. But fuck that. Somebody got murdered in there. Y'all know niggas don't fuck around in haunted houses. My tongue, my choice, bitch. Thank you. There you go. Jerry Debo Smith. Were you gonna do a pussy-eating joke before? I had a shit when he was talking about pussy like he get something at all. He says that he does. He says that he's eaten 36 black pussies. What do you think about that? I think he's a white liar. And y'all believe that shit. Look at that fat motherfucker. He ain't eat no black pussy. Do you eat black pussy? Uh, uh, exclusively. You've never eaten a white pussy? Hell no. When you say "hell no" like that, why? Uh, because a couple of months ago, I seen a TikTok where they asked a white girl, "If you take a shower on Wednesday, "when the next time you take a shower, "this bitch say it Friday, fuck that shit." Because of one? No. White women don't wash every day. Fuck that shit. You think that's a thing? I know that's a thing. White women, is that true? No. Of course they gonna say it while they on camera. Them bitches sitting on Krabby Patties. John D said that was a split decision. Split decision. Split decision. They do stripper showers, though, where they take, like, butt wipes and clean out. Okay, Red Band. That's not good. That's why your eyes look like that. You do look a little inflamed. A little swollen. They do. A little bit swollen. Jerry Debo Smith, what do you do for work? I'm just a comedian. That's all I do for work. Love that. How long you been doing it? 15 years. 15 years. Where at? What part of Florida? San Antonio. Oh, San Antonio. I'm originally from Washington, D.C. What's up, brother? Hey, what's going on, brother? All right. Why come you guys said hi like that after D.C. was brought up? That's the city. Chocolate City, baby. Okay. Don't let him in on our world. I'm not fucking with him. Jerry Debo Smith. So your middle name is Debo? No, my middle name is Dewayne. Debo is my nickname, and I just use that for my stage name. It's your what name? My nickname. I thought you said something. Dewayne Debo. Dewayne Debo. Dewayne Debo. Dewayne Debo. Dewayne Debo. Dewayne Debo. Dewayne Debo. Duane? Yeah, that's what we call, that's the government. You're like, I have friends, I don't even know who their real name was like 10 years later. One of my friends' name is, his name is 40. They call him Jermaine. And this girl was like, have you seen Jermaine? I was like, who the fuck is Jermaine? I know 40. But in the black community, it's like, what's your government? If I asked you your government, what do you respond with? My government is Jerry Dwayne Smith. See, that's the real name. What's your government? Fuck you. Donnell Maurice Rawlings. I left the black community years ago. I said, fuck you. It got too confusing. It got confusing as shit. Oh, my God. So, Jerry, you're born and raised in, or you started in D.C. No, I started in San Antonio. I started at Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club. But I've been living there since 2010, and that's when I started. What made you move to San Antonio? My dad, my brother was in the military, and he got, he left, and then he had a baby in San Antonio and stayed there, and my dad moved down there, so I just moved once I got divorced because I was running from a terrorist. Is that just a girlfriend? An ex-wife. I was married. Baby mama? No, I ain't had no kids with this bitch. You crazy? You married her, and you didn't have kids with her? Thank God. Wow. How did that happen? By the grace of God, won't he do it? Wow. Won't he will? You're full black? No, I remember I told y'all last time, my mom was white. My mom was white. Really? Yeah, yeah. Your dad was dark as shit. My dad is purple. My dad is purple. I'm like, I know, I had no idea. And y'all laughing just for, my mom was white. That's why my daddy stayed. He's still alive, God damn it. Wow, that's incredible. You still have a relationship with your mom? My mom passed away in 95. We had this conversation, sir. Oh, we did? Yeah. How did she pass away? Here it comes. I was waiting for fucking Red Band to do it like he did the last time and shit. You gotta say how she died. She had kidney failure. She passed away of kidney disease. I knew he was gonna do it. I just did it before he did it, because I didn't want to kick his ass after this show. Wow. Amazing. Okay, but dad's still fine. Yeah, dad's fine for now. Yeah, he's fine. He good. He's in dialysis right now, actually, too. He's 76. Dialysis? Yeah, yeah, yeah. His kidneys is messing up. He be having. I already knew he was going. This nigga still ain't got no sleeves on. He got some sleeveless samurais at it again. He is. What was the last real job that you had, Jerry Debo Smith? I delivered furniture for errands. For errands? Yeah, for like seven years. But after that, if you want to consider it a real job, I worked the door at Laugh Out Loud for 10 years. Oh, wow. Okay. I worked with this nigga a couple times, too. Me and him did a show a couple times. Can't remember niggas. Right. It's like a block reunion for me right now. Incredible. All right, Jerry. Well, fun times. You did it again. Did you get a big joke book last time? Yes, I did, but I'll take the nigga book. You can take another one. Here's a very, very dark black one, just like your dad. Boom. On we go. Should be the final bucket full of the night, I do believe. And what a name it is. Make some noise for Ralphie Da Bartender. Ralphie Da Bartender. Here's Ralphie Da Bartender. So, a couple months ago, I go to Home Depot to look for a dude, and he didn't really come with a green card, but a really long kink card, so we started dating. And things have been going pretty good. The other night, we're having a really intimate, deep discussion. He's giving me the reassurance that you want and that you need a new relationship. He's like, "I love you forever and ever and always." Amen. I'm like, "Chingao, dude, did you just bring your faith into this? How cochino are you?" And later that night, he's actually trying to put me on the dinner table, and can you blame him? You know, a boy's got to eat. And he's getting all sexy with me, rubbing up on me and whatnot, and he's like, "Who's your man?" And so, immediately, I sit up, and I look him dead in the eyes, and I'm like, "Our one and only, Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, amen?" So he came, which is pretty cool, because before this relationship, I really wasn't that religious, but apparently, we pray every night now, because amen's our new safe word. Thank you. I'm Ralphie. Ralphie the bartender. Aw, man. Golden ticket. Thank you, man. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Ralphie, am I saying that right? Yes. Ralphie. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About a little less than six months. Six months. Perfect. That's a good answer for what that set was. I love it. What made you want to start stand-up six months ago? I've been wanting to do it for 10 years, but last year, I got a divorce, and I've been doing cool new shit. been doing cool new shit nice what made you get a divorce mother the wrong ones and he tried to kill me so really how did he try no this is wrong but what did you say I guess I just can't jump the gun what did you do no I'm joking uh started moving out early so how long were you in that relationship for six years six years and once you got out of it that's when you realized you could start stand-up comedy yeah doing a lot of bigger things and just stand up as well just kind of like what lost to me uh I started doing stunt doubling for motorcycle work how long have you been riding motorcycles about 3,000 miles so I'm still pretty fresh okay a time when it wouldn't happen here he said how long not how far I don't know my mechanic had my bike for over a year whenever I first got it so it's been a while it's hard it's easier to say my I think it's something about this story you're not telling us which part this this relationship it was a husband common-law yeah you cheated on him fuck no he cheated on you yeah with girls that look like his mom so oh no you can't compete was he Mexican no white we have a brand new man for you here he is ladies and gentlemen he doesn't see color and he won't walk out on you okay so Ralphie tell us more about your life what else is interesting about you I'm a welder a mechanic gym gym enthusiast started acting recently interesting you were raised by a single father no he died he died here how did he die a lace batch of H a batch of heroin the heroin yeah that was during the Biden administration no way before really or fentanyl huh is it fentanyl or just something else rat poison oh wow okay yeah that's pre Biden fentanyl was during Biden yeah yeah exactly Wow how old were you when he passed away or Wow damn that sucks you have a lot of siblings nope only child yeah I have two brothers ones adopted and the other ones have blood they're not as cool as I am Wow I didn't know Mexicans adopt kids is your mom Mexican no my mother's white oh there you go yeah I forgot your your dad was Mexican yes and your mom's white yep you still close with your mom no fuck that bitch why fuck that bitch we don't got all night Tony really have you ever thought with all these relationships that you might be the problem you sound just like my therapist right now really do you go to the therapist I do nice I can't wait to tell her about all this tomorrow yeah the manic episode is gonna hit hard after this where have you ridden this motorcycle at what's the craziest place you've driven to just in Corpus I mean they're gonna have horrible driving Wow yeah yeah all right you ever been with a woman before red band how could you tell look this is I believe this is our first female comedian of the night you can't just every time there's a lady up here sexually harass her with questions like that have you been with a woman before lead the fifth but you know let me tell you she does some mechanic work in the bitch ride motorcycles tell by the face what Oh red band Ralphie fun times you gotta keep working it you're only six months in keep writing keep trying there's a little joke book Ralphie the bartender ladies and gentlemen that is what appears to be your name Ralphie dub bartender All right, ladies and gentlemen, have we had a good night tonight or what, huh? So, we have a special treat for you. William couldn't make it, R.E. Maddy couldn't make it, Timmy couldn't make it, but I'm excited about how we're closing tonight's show, and I think you will be too, because I believe that this is the future of Kill Tony. This young man has only been on the show once before, and he won a golden ticket at 21 years old. Ladies and gentlemen, I think he's the future of the show, I think he's the future of comedy, and I'm positive he's the future of musical comedy. Make some fucking noise for Tony Scar, everybody. Tony Scar to close out tonight's show at the age of 21. How we doing, folks? Folks, what if I told you there was a place Where brilliant minds could collide Where you could be drowning in pussy Even if you're only the size of Big Mike Celebrities around every corner And women that want you bad Nothing but nines and tens Folks, would you be interested in that? Yeah! Well, welcome to Epstein's Island I'm sure you won't forget it I'm trying not to get sued here So everything I say is alleged It's always perfect weather I wonder who controls that Probably the guys with the beady eyes And one-fourth of a hat If Bill Clinton comes in under four minutes There's four more weeks of winter But he only comes in Asian women Or as he likes to call them, squinters In his bathroom there was a black midget Taking a bath It was the world's first sopping wet Three-fifths of one-half Trump was at the table Tricking Muslims into eating pork He was sitting on J.D. Vance And J.D. Vance was on all fours They were eating with Anthony Fauci And right before they prayed Fauci turned into a fucking bat And flew away It was crazy Bye-bye Biden slept with a prostitute And after they had sex She stepped onto the balcony To smoke a candy cigarette Stephen Hawking was on the treadmill Yelling, rail, rail, rail Until I hit his eject button And he flew across the room There was an Arabic stripper She didn't know what to do She didn't know what to do She didn't know what to do She didn't take cash She preferred that I threw rocks She stripped down as much as a Muslim can She took her socks halfway off There was a black stripper A smoke show With beautiful ebony skin She stripped all her clothes off And stripped all the paint off And then she was white again And I couldn't believe She did blackface That's racist That's fucked So I only paid her half price Once she redid all the makeup I got dragged to the island By my friend Leanne She had a tampon in her purse But no game plan She had a tampon in her purse She had a tampon in her purse She had a tampon in her purse ♪ We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back.