#757 - JEREMY (ADAM RAY) + MATT RIFE

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHanscliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHanscliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? [ Cheers and applause ] It's the best band in all of the land, everybody. You made it. We're at the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Blue Choo Talks Space and Shopify. We got a little hoot nanny in store for you. Hi, you guys, Phil, and a night good. [ Cheers and applause ] Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Killtony Show 2 Houston, Texas, February 28th, and Dallas, March 28th. Go to TonyHanscliff.com for tickets. Right now, come see an actual Killtony Show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th, one in Grand Prairie, March 28th, TonyHanscliff.com, get tickets now. Who's ready to start tonight's show, huh? [ Cheers and applause ] Guys, every single week, I book one or two of the world's funniest human beings. One of the biggest comedians on planet Earth is with us tonight. One of my favorite humans, a guy who I can say, I've literally basically watched grow up over the past decade and a half, and now he is a phenom. One of the biggest in the world, one of the best in the world, one of my favorites. Make some fucking noise for the one and only Matt Wright. [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, yeah, baby. So, the man, the best, the legend is with us. Matt, mother fucking right, on a Monday evening in Austin, Texas. Oh, yeah. Matt does arenas. He's doing Jacksonville, Louisville, all over America official.com. How's it going, buddy? Dude, good, man. Happy to be back in office. So good to see you. 48 hours. Thanks for having me. You're such a relief on my eyes. I'm used to looking at Red Band, and I get to look at you are just a specimen. Stop. Charming, good looking. I mean, absolutely incredible. I'm in here. Have a very good night. Hospitality, I love this. You're damn right. Always. We've had so much fun in the past. You know how the show works, Matt. I have a bucket with about 300 comedians names in it. It's absolutely incredible. I'm going to let this woman whose mother got kidnapped a couple weeks ago, like the first name out of the bucket. Good for you. A little special treat. You're getting away from all the stress having a night out of laughter. Good luck with all that, by the way. If your name gets pulled out of the bucket, you know how it works. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. I mean, their time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten. You have to wrap it up then, or else you bring up the angry bus Hollywood bear, which just loudly interrupts their set, and then I conduct an interview. Anything can happen. The entire thing is improvised. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Well, we have a special treat for you guys. Normally this guy would close the show, but tonight he is opening the show. He is the record holder for all time appearances on the show, all time interviews. What a way to get things started. Some people call him the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine. This is indeed the one and only William Montgomery. Give Epstein credit where credit is due. The guy had zero spam in his inbox. Meanwhile, stubbub emails me every hour asking, "Want to go to 17 concerts this weekend?" I don't even get viagras spam anymore. They are probably like, "Nah, dog. This dude helpless. Don't even waste a digital stamp." Okay. Quick housekeeping note, probably not the best timing, but when I was in Tucson recently, somebody stole my razor scooter, so, you know, any help from the local authorities would be greatly appreciated. Okay. That was that one. Let's keep moving. So the mother of a morning show host goes missing and all y'all freak out. Where were y'all when the old blippy went missing? Oh, look. New blippy. No explanation. No outrage. They replaced the blues glues host and we storm the Capitol. Okay. That's my time. Thank you. Exactly one minute of, I can only describe his pure insanity. Yeah. It's open the blippy stuff. I finally got some. Sorry. I've been watching a whole bunch of blippy recently, Tony. It's a children show. And there's some new guy that is not the original blippy anymore, but nobody's talking about it. What's a blippy? What is blippy? Yeah. Blippy is a character and a children's television show. And there's some new guy parading around as blippy, but it's not the same blippy and it just pisses me off. It's like the woman on the fucking today show or fucking mom's gone and everybody's uproar with everybody in blippy. Are you looking at who blippy it? Yeah. We're trying to look up new blippy. We're trying to follow this conspiracy of yours. It makes some noise if you heard of blippy before William talking about it. Oh, wow. Look at that. Matt looks like a man. You are too busy. You don't have blippy. You're a fucking freak. Yeah. That is true. That's free. Why are you watching this? You're watching this. I don't know. It makes me smile. It makes me laugh. I love it. It's better than toddlers and tiaras. I've been watching that a bunch recently. Seriously. No, but in a sweet way. Because I think if I ever have kids, I want them to do that. I think. So that's why it's calling the police, dude. See, that's sad. That's why my parents say as well. Seriously, it's sad. That's why I'm watching blippy. It's a fantasy of mine. Maybe a little child sitting of blippy, do you think you've watched William? Fuck. 30 or 40 the past week. What is it about? Doing the row machine and then watching blippy in the afternoon. Did you say this week? This week. Oh, my God. 40 episodes. Yeah, it's been real. It's been real weird, Tony. It's been an example of some of the things that happen in an episode of blippy. Well, there was one where all the kids are on the playground and blippy shows up. It was the new blippy. And he starts kind of messing with some of the kids in a weird kind of way. And he's touching some of them in their butt area, seriously. The new guy is this freak kind of person, Tony. Is it Michael Jordan? [LAUGHTER] Does he fly? No, no, no, no. You didn't see the video from last night? Was it him? Oh, yeah. No, I saw, yeah. Oh, he's diddling, dude. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. But I guess if you're Michael Jordan, you're allowed to. It's OK. I think he gets one. Yeah. There was more than one actor who has portrayed blippy. While creators Steven John originated the role in 2014, actor Clayton Grim took over the role for live tours and later appeared in videos, followed by Ben Mayer in other separate productions. The change was made to explain-- Yeah, see, nobody's even talking about Ben Mayer, Tony. That's a third person. You're talking about it. I didn't even know about that. Three blippy's. This is absolutely incredible. Redban is shocked. It's very popular with many autistic children and adults. [LAUGHTER] Wow. [APPLAUSE] Redban, how would you describe yourself? How would you say yourself? But I do love it. I recently watched your-- what is it? 12 hours of just cartoon noises and static noises? I watched that. That was a great new video of yours, Redban. And fucking 12 hours of cartoon noises. That was genius. It's for sleeping. And you can do it when you're sleeping. Yeah, I was awake when I watched it. It was really good. But it was 12 hours of that, Redban. And that's nuts. That's nuts, Redban. Redban specializes in making videos that help you fall asleep. The black screen with muffled cartoon sounds. You can also use any of the podcasts that he does. Or any of his stand-up comes on in the background. Oh. The Dolphins having sex. We get it. You always say that joke. Tomass. [APPLAUSE] Fuck it. No, I'm kidding. It is a funny joke. People having sex with dolphins or whatever. It is a funny joke. So let's talk about it. We went Epstein spam stuff. What was the joke in between the Epstein? I love being in-- It's being in emails. And being in-- in Tucson, just quick housekeeping announcement. I need my razor scooter back because I wasn't Tucson when I was there. It was honestly, it was a couple of months ago. I left my razor scooter. I hit locked up on a telephone pole outside of the comedy club and when I went back out there, it was gone. And nobody's helping me. You take your own personal razor scooter on the road with you? I've been doing it recently. I get really fast in the airports. I was going, I was flying in Chicago recently, Tony. So you use that as your carry on? Yes, I have it in my backpack. A razor scooter can go down and it goes out of your back. But I can't, I can't bring toenail clippers. You can have an entire fucking scooter in your carry on. What do you mean you can't bring toenail clippers? It's a work getting. No, you can't bring like small, sharp objects. You're, you're bringing an entire blunt object on an airplane. That is true, razor scooters and weapons. You're especially with the guy walking through with a face like that. Like, oh, we can trust this guy. Nothing suspicious about him having a razor scooter. Yeah, but I can have a razor scooter, but not an actual razor. Interesting. Yeah, that's the time we live in. What else do you sneak through TSA? Give us an example of what I don't think I need to be talking about. I've sneak it through TSA. Give us an example. Please. Name some things that are in your carry on bag. What else is in that bag? How many of you want to know what's in Williams' backpack? Oh, the world once did. Tony, I mean, a lot of the time I got a couple boxers in their toenail. What else? Hey, what was that? Boxers, like boxers or boxer brief. Oh, yeah. Can you back up half the stuff? Sorry. Please. Thank you. Oh, thank you. Thank you. I have a bunch of cords in their Tony for different charging stuff. Yeah, that one wasn't exciting. Yeah, not that exciting. Okay, what else do you got in there, William? Oh, a whole bunch of aero, what a Tony! I'm kidding. I never travel with that. Really, you can. It's okay. They don't care about that. What else? Always my notebook, Tony! I got to look into my jokes on the set. So I got to. Come on, give us something that's a little off the beaten path. Anything in that area in the front, or it's like a bunch of little things kind of clanking around in there. Oh, he's thinking hard. This is going to be good. And he ain't looking at him thinking. This is what people that watch Blippi do with the microphone against their face makes them feel comfortable. Like a fire truck. A lot of Blippi fans. Oh, my gosh! No, Tony, you know what I have been bringing? I got this really nice little love of Winnie the Pooh Squishmallow, a real small one. And I super-that at night. And I've been bringing that with me. God, help me, Tony! Alright, let's start a sweat up here. It's good. It's good for you to sweat sometimes. It's good for you. You've been rowing? Yeah, I'm up to 210,000 meters. It's beginning of February. We're talking of over 100, 120 miles or something. I've obsessively doing it now, so it's good. I feel good. I'm watching the kids shows. I'm doing fucking rowing. Things are getting better. There's no better time for a successful person to be watching children's shows than right now. Nothing suspicious about it whatsoever. If anyone out in Tucson sees a razor scooter chain up, the green wheels. Green wheels. Yep, there you go. Anybody has it? I'm a mat left on that. Return it. Because it's so specific. The green wheels on there. It is shockingly specific. William, what a great way to start the show. We love you. The legend, the Hollywood Famer. Going up first. What a way to get tonight's show. So you guys haven't fun already, huh? That's right. So now we slide over to our first bucket pull of the night. This is where things get interesting. This is where we meet people. This is the biggest moment of their lives without a doubt. So make some noise for your first bucket pull. Monique Jones everybody. Here we go. We're doing. I'm aware that when you heard Monique Jones coming to the stage, this is not what you expected. I look like the lady who called the cops on Monique Jones. Did your cabbage patch kid grew up, right? Makes it easy to look me up. It's Monique Jones and I'm the white one. I first became aware of the racial profiling of my name in high school from North Carolina. Anybody? From the South Hell, yeah, Gritz. Baby, what's up? How you doing? I went to meet my boyfriend's parents at his house and his mom answered the door. I said, "Hey, I'm Monique Jones," and she said, "Really? God, look at you. Look at you. We were just talking about you over prayer." It's so nice of them to pray for me before they even met me. It's so nice. Get out the good napkin. She's the keeper. Okay. It's a fucking racist. Hey. Hi, Monique. Welcome. Thank you. Good stuff. You've been on this show before, correct? How long ago was that? It's been a minute. It's 2018. 2018, that is indeed a minute. Dom, Iraera. It was on the show. Dom, Iraera. Okay. Awesome. It was on the main room of the comedy store. Yep. It was the main room. It was live, I believe, back then. 303. 2018? Wow. Look at that. Amazing. Here we are. Here we are. It's like in Pat, in here. We used to be able to sit there. Okay. Enough about 2018. We're in 2026. Now, you batty bitch. Welcome to the present. Here we are. So tell us, Monique, update us with your life. What's changed in the past eight years? I'm still sober. I had just gotten sober in 2017. Thanks. Yeah. Yeah. I beat breast cancer. Whoa. Amazing. I got a pop. This is all absolutely incredible because it looks like you have tits and you sound drunk. So this is amazing. It's all. Do I sound? No. I'm kidding, Monique. Keep going. What else? I moved out here a couple years ago right after the surgery. Anyway, so now they took one of your boobs. They just took a lump. Lump pack to me. Okay. But then they took my hormones because they put you on this hormone pills that block your hormones. So I was a shell of myself. Until now, until now you guys are like, fuck, this is the comedy show. Okay. Anyway, I say you're a shell of yourself. What exactly do you mean? Imagine like zero hormones non detectable and they give you drugs to block them because it was estrogen receptor positive blah, blah, blah. Anyway, like you can't get it. You don't want to get out of bed. You want to fucking die. I mean, just and then one day you're like, okay. And then I do some comedy and then I was anyway. It was just, you know, how did you get out of it? What? What? I started taking hormones again. Start young grateful. Some people put some people pay good money for hormone blockers these days. Yeah, no doubt about a lot of lump pack to me is going on. Where do you live now, Mooney? I don't recommend it. I'm here. You live in Austin, Texas. How long go do you move here? I moved here. End of 2023. Okay. Yeah. Have you been signing up for the show since then? I have. It's been intermittent. I wasn't right. I mean, I actually got here. I did some showcasing for Adam. I just, my body was not ready. That was a year and a half ago. You bombed in front of that of the book or in your blaming your hormones on that. Yes. Fuck, yes, dude. I was like, but he called me back twice. So, yeah, yeah. So I've gotten a little bit of, look at that. Sounds like you had one of the breasts set of the night. All right. There's no good in that one back. That long is gone. Oh, so Monique, tell us about what you've been doing for fun. Give us something exciting about your life other than your hormones. I was going to, I was like thinking like, what do I say? What do I want to talk about? I came, I went to acting school with, sorry, now I'm going to forget. Paul Rudd and Adam Scott. So I thought that would be interesting. What year was that? That was like in '94, I graduated. I graduated in '93 and '91. Wow. I was born in '95. I know, dude. Oh. You're kind of thrilling. You're killing it. Um, Brenner. You could be my fucking kid, dude. Wow, wow, wow, to think about. That is insane. No, my mom's got huge tits. Huge. Huge tits, sir. I guess, I guess cancer free tits. I guess the, I guess the funny skip to generation with this family over here. Oh, no, Monique. Oh, my name was Monique. I don't have the great first joke, too. You gave me on that joke. Yep. I look like the lady you would call the cops on Monique, Joe. You're exactly right. So technically I wrote your good joke for you. There you go. Eight years ago. It's still working. Goddamn right for you. Hell yeah. Monique, any other crazy fun fact about your life that we'd find interesting? My first roommate in, in that school of the American Academy was Tim Conway's stepdaughter. It's pretty cool. Tim Conway, yeah. Sure. The old reference. And stepdaughter. Yeah, it's like we're like a direct relative. Yeah. For it's a Killtony crowd. So Monique's a rough [BLANK_AUDIO] I'm like, "What's interesting about you?" She's like, "I want uberdrow for blippy number three." [ Laughter ] -I'm a massage therapist. -Oh, okay. Now, Red Band's gonna invite you to the Secret Show on Thursday. Congratulations. -Yeah. -Got something out of it. -That was Oliver Stone for two years. -Whoa, really? -Yeah. -Wow. -Oliver Stone is the director. -Yeah. -Right? -Mm-hmm. -In Los Angeles. -Donique, over here. I don't know why you keep fucking looking over there. -How bad of an actor can you beat a massage famous director and still not get worked? [ Laughter ] -That's a great point. -Oh, no, that for sure. -I don't know that for sure. -That is a great point. -You're talking about Oliver Stone, the director? -Yeah, yeah. -What did he do right? -I was not trying to get acting work from Oliver Stone. I was trying to just stay as a massage therapist. -State number one. -And you're exactly fucking right. -I'll do jerk them off so I can't do it. -I wasn't trying to get that kind of work, though. -But now, I should have fucking -- yeah, I didn't. -What did he do -- what did he do right? -Red band said JFK. Natural born killers, I do believe. There's some good ones. It's a little -- It's a little -- Yeah, JFK is a good one. -We hear that come out. -He's still directing. He's like one of the most famous directors. -I mean, he was watching this. I will jerk you off, wherever he is. -He was smart enough to be one of the few directors in Hollywood that would let something like this give him a massage instead of children or whatever they were doing. Oliver Stone, Red Band's typing in Oliver Jones. And now he's officially typed in Oliver Stone's plural, everybody. He's like, "You're looking -- there you go. There you go." -Thanks, Red Band. -Yeah. His doors was a good one. He contributed to Scarface, but I don't think he directed it. But it says Scarface they're giving him credit for it, but that was directed by what's his fucking name? -Right. -That's right. -Okey-dokie. Well, uh -- -Here it is. -Monique, fun time. -Hey! -Here's a medium-sized jokebook from Bones Eye, boom. There you go. He caught it right against the quarter-tip. There goes Monique. Everybody, this is Kill Tony. It has begun. All right. To the bucket we go. -Oh, my goodness. Wow. Two blonde bombshells at once. I can't handle this. I thought it was William again for a second. Let's get this shit out of me. -Well, this seems too good to be true, everybody, because we've seen this guy before. This must be different than the name, because this guy's a legend on the show. If this is who I think it is, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jeremy? -Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It is him. -And that's the -- -And don't tell me, Monique, do you make some motherfucking noise? If you have HIV. -I've got you. So, my name is Jeremy. A little bit about me. Recently, I tried to get a job at Burger King, but co-existed when he was within 500 feet of a school. So, I guess I can't have it my way. And that's what's up. Been doing a lot of Legos recently. Let's give it up. Yeah, this show you won't on the box where it's supposed to be when you finished it, but a friend of mine told me you can turn anything into titties. Thanks for that, man. I'm single. Told him to go out, it's not single. Told him to go out, it's 50 years old. He's taken a 20-year-old. When I asked the comment on the situation, Batman said, "So, I guess Spider-Man isn't a gay guy." My dream girl is Eric a Kirk. Oh, yeah, I'm thinking about shooting my shot. No, she's fucking, she's fucking, she's hot, she's cheap. Man, she's fucking got over him quick. She was like, "She was sad for two days." And then she was like, "It's all good." And then she was like, "Who wants some Mars?" My mom took my Pokemon cards when I was seven. I still haven't forgiven that bitch. And that's for sure. My mom's boyfriend, Jerry, I'm fucking, my hobby dies in his sleep. He's always called me a virgin, I'm like, "That's not what your first night said last night." No, but I can't wait to have sex. I can't wait to do intercourse. I already know what flavor I want. Super duper black. But not like, Halle Berry or Queen Lachifa, I want, I want that fucking girl on TikTok, because she's like, "Dr. Peppa, baby, it's good and nice, good to look." That's what's up. I'm gonna fuck her, she's so good, she's gonna be like, "Jammy's got a sweet dig, but he comes too fast, good to look." All right, fuck, that sucks. I got a few others, but I was nervous if I did this real quick. I used to write scooters in Austin, but then I got hurt. When a bunch of kids pointed at my helmet and called me a pussy, I used to, now I take the bus. Rosa Parks refused to sit in the back of the bus, which is crazy, because that's the best place to match them. Okay. You guys, you guys see Bill Gates got an STD on FC, on FC Nyland? He should download some antivirus software. And that's good stuff. You guys see how Michael Jordan video, Matt Wright, for talking about Michael Jordan video, he got, dude, he got fucking, he was at Daytona 500 fucking, just going like fucking, he was like, "I know Scotty Bippin, just a little kid." It's so fucking weird. What's with all these Michaels touching fucking butts? Michael Phillips is sitting at home like, "I'm gonna just stay in the pool." I've been watching the Olympics, don't let the media lie to you, the Jamaican Bobstein fucking dog shit. They be Jamaican, a bunch of mistakes out there. Ah, shit, Niki, my nose, the trumpet, it's all good. All politics aside, I still banger. That ass is a bipartisan issue. Keep it going for Red Man. More like bread pen, you fat bitch. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I love you, Red Man. Fuck, I'm sorry. Ah, shit, what else, Roger Parks, Toby McGuire. "Gym going for William Montgomery." That's for my favorite comics of all time, Bill Montgomery. William Montgomery, he looks like Kathy Griffin, fuck Peter Griffin, and gay birth to Blake Griffin. That's my time. Thank you so much, everybody. Wow. Jeremy is back. Our heart is fucking pounding. Wow. We have a watched Jeremy make his comedy debut on the show. We've seen him. He's fucking nervous. He's been on panel once before, man. Now he's back. You signed up tonight, Jeremy. What brings you to Austin, Texas? So I live in San Antonio. And put drive down. My mom's boyfriend, Jerry, had some work to do. I was like, he's talking to me, so I got in the car. And I said, "Fucking it, go outside." And I said, "For Kill's Tony." And I did not expect to be called to be honest with you. This is fucking. What did you pull out of your fanny pack? Oh, I recently got into these astronaut ice cream bars. What? They're high in protein, just in case Gail King and Katy Perry are like, "Yo, Jeremy, you want to go with space tonight?" I'll be like, "Fuck yeah, I got some fucking treats." That's a real space bar? Space ice cream bar. Oh, it looks very. Not right, if I know you don't fucking eat shit like this, but you want something? Yeah. No, it's fucking not. Oh, fuck, you are funny, dude. Some of this doesn't feel fucking fake, dude. No, wait, these are real. They better be real. They were such fucks, dude. It's got to be real. Jeremy, you take a bite before you kill the great guys. I mean, it's cheers. Cheers, baby. Goodbye. Oh, dude. This is your diary. I just cheers ice cream sandwiches with Matt fucking Ryke. Oh, this. That fucking sucks, do you want that? No, break. You don't have to eat that. What is that? I don't take. Any percent of fentanyl? Oh, yeah. That's wild. Jeremy, what else you got in that? And you guys want to see what Jeremy has in his fanny pack? Is it thing? It's not that bad. Really? Really? It's not that bad. Oh, shit, dude. NASA is so pumped right now. NASA. NASA. And I heard you. Oh, all right. So I got a tiny box of shitty critters. Like many animals. In case you're bored, you fucking got like raccoons in here and shit. Wow. What exactly are. Do those two? Oh, my goodness. Shit. I've been to like three parties. And every time I'm sitting around a party, I was like, "This fucking place, this fucking vibe sucks." Everyone's fucking. And I'm just sitting there, playing my Sega game gear. You know, listening to some sugar ray. And then I'll just. There'll be some fucking girl next to me. And she's like, "So, what do you do for work?" And I'll be like, "Fucking it, I'm a sand guy!" You know? And she's like, "Oh, shit." and your boobs are like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. -Bub, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. -So, what else? -Oh, Coach Fall. How many times have you been sitting around just been like, "Fuckin', I'm so fucking bored." And then you just go, "Boop, fucking." -Well, I'm not bored anymore. -It's amazing. You have so many fun things. -Oh, I got this little bucket at Bucky's. It's a fucking, it's like a Magic A ball. You press it, it says, "Yes, try again, maybe." So, go ahead, you wanna ask me a question? -Yeah. -How is your day today? Is it going well? -Okay. -Fuckin'. -How could that even be on there? -No! -Fuckin', thanks for setting me up for that. -So, that's fun for parties and shit. -Can I-- -Dr. Pepper tic-tacs? -Oh. -I didn't know that girl. -I didn't know they made those. -Well, you got to get on Google, Tony. -They got pretty much everything. -Dr. Pepper tic-tacs? -Yep, they're good and nice. -Cinnamon toothpicks, big toothpick guy in 2026. -Okay. -Wow. Jeremy. -This is absolutely incredible. Little fucking bag in case you got, like, you won't be a good, you know, you pick up some shit or something. Austin, you know, Austin, I was a game always play when I go outside and six days ago, "Is that real? Is that real shit?" Or fucking, "Is that com?" You know? -So then you grab it, and with them, what do you do? How do you find out if it is real shit or not? -I don't wanna answer that. I pick it up, try to clean the streets. And then I got Advil, just in case. I got a lot of heartburn headaches, migraines. -You take Advil for heartburn? -Yeah, and I get. I don't say they're the boners, or. You ever see those commercials where it's like, "If you're a Rex and you've lasted more than four hours, you're fucking, you know, you're probably black, you know?" But. But my last doctor I went through, he was like, "Jim, you got that ticket Advil for your heart or your cholesterol?" And like, I get random boners and stuff, and like. I'm only 38, so I'm like, "Fuckin, that's for sub." But I don't wanna be. You know, it's just. I don't know. I probably take too many pills, but. Wow. Matt, right, if you take pills, you take supplements and stuff, right? -Dick pills, or. -Supplements, like, vitamins and stuff? -No, not really. -All natural, huh? -All natural. -So sub. -I popped a hymn or two, though. -Who? -Hymns? -Hymns? -Who's that? -You never taking the pronoun pills? -No. -Oh, dude, they're so good. -You guys ever take a hymn spill? -Okay. -Oh, yeah. -Oh, okay. -I'm gonna lie about it. -But funny, you guys. Pretty funny to not actually, you know what that is. Pretty funny. -Better than hymns is Bluetooth. -If you guys really want a Bluetooth, it happens to be tonight's sponsor. -No, yes. -That's what I brought it up. -Shop of ice. So if you're wondering what he said before when that beep happened, it was the n-word, everybody. Matt said the n-word. -I'm kidding. -You have to say I'm kidding now or like a conspiracy theory will start. Anyway, Jeremy, I gotta tell you, you are so interesting. And even though I have one of the biggest comedians in the world right now here, I think, you know, I've always loved you, Jeremy. I've always considered you part of the family. I don't know what it is. You remind me of somebody that I maybe have an unbelievable working relationship with. Would you guys think we should have Jeremy join on panel for the rest of the episode? -What the fuck up? -Get the fuck up. -Come on, Jeremy. Get over here. -Wow. -Come on, Jeremy. Joining for the rest of the show. Jeremy, everybody. Wow. -Wow. -You got fucking shit. -Oh! -Oh! -Oh! -Red man is good. -Oh, he probably doesn't need madness. -No, he did. -Red man figured out the one stupid thing he could have done with that snake. -Oh, don't do it at the blind guy. -It was super funny. -It's luckily D's laughing. -What's up, D? -Not much. -She still looking at me? -No. Well, Jeremy, we're gonna get back to this bucket. We had Mooney Jones on earlier. William Montgomery. Seems like you're all caught up. -What a great panel. -What a great panel, I mean. -Walking that right, feud. -This isn't crazy. -When I met you, I looked like this. -It's so long I've known you. -That's crazy. -You're saying it gets better. -Yeah. -All right. -That's what's up. -10, 15 years. You could look exactly like that, Jeremy. -Or? -Red man. -I'll take you there. I'll take you there. -We're gonna get another bucket pull up here. I have one more time for Jeremy, everybody. -Your next bucket pull has to follow that. -Not easy to do. We're gonna meet them all together. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Anthony Fink. Everybody, one minute uninterrupted. For Anthony Fink. -Thank you. Thank you. -What's up, Austin? -I'm not a really smart guy. I've had two disengagements in my life. My last ex. She broke up with me because she had a yeast infection. And yeah, she really loved this joke for two reasons. One, because I kept bringing it up the fact that she had a yeast infection. The second reason was because while she was going through it, I kept chasing around the house, asking her what kind of bread she was making. Like, is it sourdough? Then she'd get mad and be like, "Well, you're definitely being a bit of a sour pus." I'm sorry, guys. I know you're tired of these bread jokes. Much like her, she got over them pretty fast. Just a real gluten for punishment. Like I said, I'm not a really smart guy. I used to think Lance and Neil Armstrong were the same guy until about 2009. Yeah, nobody else? Okay. Got a crowd full of liars? Okay. I don't have time to finish with that award right there. Wow. All right, Anthony, thank you. Anthony, do you have a hilarious stuff in your fanny pack by any chance? I could help this. It took you backstage. Anthony, how long have you been on stand-up? Five to seven years. I took a few years after in COVID, but I started that. Can you say a few? Do you perhaps mean five to seven years? Yeah, five to seven. It's more like. How often do you perform? How often do you get on stage? These days just like two to three times a week. How come? You know, I just didn't get back into the swing of things until recently, so just kind of working my way back. What happened? Why did you take a break? A couple of reasons. Well, one COVID shut everything down and then waiting for it to come back. Work kind of got in the way. And. What do you do for work and shift? I don't work there anymore. I was working for Lockheed Martin. Wow. What were you doing there? I was working on the production line. Nothing. No, alien or cool stuff. Don't worry, guys. Nothing cool at Lockheed. There's no big secrets. But I was just. Nobody thinks you're doing anything cool. Yeah, no, I didn't think so. Don't worry. I didn't think so. Don't worry. So Lockheed Martin took a lot of your time and your energy. And now you're getting back in the stand-up slowly. At about two or three times a week. Yep. And you just did. My girlfriend has a yeast infection. Red jokes. And closed it out with a big lance and Neil Armstrong. Because they have the same last name. But no real connection. You just said that you thought they were the same person. And you called the audience liars. I feel like everyone else has made that misconception. Not the only person. Right. Has anyone else? Nope. [laughter] Yeah, I mean there. They both have the last name Armstrong. Let's talk about your life, Anthony. Give us something interesting about you. Interesting. I speak six different languages. Wow. You can bomb in six different languages. Incredible. What are the six languages? I do English, Spanish, German, Chinese. Do you like a mashup? [laughter] Like a German, Japanese. Chinese, German type of Asian fusion. Like a Moistak, a mind-zombsinverstark. Wow. I don't know enough to call bullshit. Yeah. I don't think any of us do. This is the ancient German. What did you say? Ola Comoistas. And a mind-zombsinverstark just means together we are strong. And German. Yay! [laughter] No, that's a treat's end of it. That's a treat's end of it. It's got a called gay by the guy with blonde bleach hair. No, that was Jeremy the call. Ola Comoistas. Ola Comoistas. I was being nice. [laughter] We're mad. [laughter] And if Matt. It was doing a Matt Reif impression. No, it's okay. It's okay. So tell us, what is your love life like? Do you have a girlfriend right now? Yeah. Yeah, I do. Surprisingly enough. She lives in New York. She's a black woman. Hell yeah. No. Whoa. That's alright. She's making pumper nickel. Yeah. Ha! Yes! That is the black-east infection. Got it. Zing. There you go. I think we just pulled it off. Monique for him. I think Matt Rive just wrote your joke for you good. There you go. Thank you. That's the joke. Where'd you meet her? On hinge. Yeah, she lived in Dallas at the time and we met at a Deluca pizza place. You met like you met online and then at a pizza place we ran into each other at a pizza. Yeah We met on hinge message a couple times back and forth and then Then what happened so you're eating pizza? What kind of pizza did you get that day? Do you remember? I got to do it. I treat Deluca like it's CC's pizza and I had like 25 slices and leaving the crust on the table like an absolute piece of shit and Yeah, you ate it on stage here tonight. I sure did What I heard you remember what kind of pizza she got Uh, it was it's like a buffet style. So it's kind of really hard to say they have like everything from like basics to a bunch of unique ones It's like a it's think of sea unique is her sister's name Oki-doki uh Anthony um So how long have you been with this black girl? Been a year and three months. What does she do for work? She is a communications director for tech companies. Is there something that you Realized when having sex with your black girlfriend that is different than having sex with a white woman Can you tell this audience especially Jeremy really wants to uh and if you have any sort of video proof that would be fucking awesome Funny you should mention that um very serious It was me and for the show. I got you. Let's go. I got you Yeah, no uh big difference would just be way more cheeks. That's for sure. Um, it's warmer. Oh, what is that um? Sure, that is no that is uh What What what's warmer? I think that's what I'm trying to ask you out. What's warmer? Yeah, like The inside of the vagina. The inside. Yeah, like the whole thing even the outside. Oh, yeah. Yeah Why is the outside also warm? Well, there's there's a couple reasons good. Yeah, that's a good question. Oh, they absorb the sun Too much vitamin D will do that to you. Yeah, it's from all the paranoia and sunbathing Oki-doki uh Oh, wait a fucking Chuck the energy out of that company Anthony you said funny You mentioned that like you might actually have a sex tape out there. Do you did you have you guys recorded yourselves having sex? Uh Yes, but it's only for your own personal viewing. No, no, it's you guys made a porn out. Yeah, it's out there Where can people find this out? Red band you've got it pulled up You just got sick Oh shit Oh Different couch Snake on the loose All right Okay, so is it really out there? Did you really make a porn? Can you at least describe the porn to us? Are you playing a character? Is it just like? Hey, what's up? No, it's not great. Like we don't have a production crew like this Didn't you go to acting school with Paul Rout in 94? Do I look that old? How can people find it? How what how can people find the sex tape? It's out there. What would it be labeled under? It's on reddit Uh, you know, dashboard confessional.com because you look like a live singer of dashboard confessional. Okay, nobody fucking knows you never That fucking sucks. Hey, you're vindicated. Okay. Yeah All right, one person got that I'm gonna be able to see Anthony's finest work. What would you call it movie? Did in the tape like what was like because I haven't done it so like what's If I'm gonna make a sex tape what's the opening move? It's uh The opening move on the sex tape. Well, what's what was the highlight of the sex tape? Let's ask that coming That was the best part of the sex tape It was mostly just POV close up. So no really like good moves to really see just uh, yeah, I don't know that I want to see him Yeah, it's actually a bad you gotta keep our faces out of you know Yeah, I've never jerked off the Danny Masterson before You do be looking like that No doubt about it. Do people tell you that a lot? I've gotten it lately. Yeah, I've gotten the hard one Are you going for that because it seems like? No, no, I'm not going for it, but I have been getting it lately Uh, I don't know if it's the sideburns or the yellow glasses, but where they're real rapy vibe You mean that you're thinking about that Yeah, there's so safe with me Yeah, they're so safe. Not you. You're safe. You're definitely safe Anthony, let's try again another time. Here's a little joke book Uh, there he goes Anthony. Thank we're gonna keep it moving along It's tried I tried with that one All right, let's meet somebody else. This looks like a new name makes some noise for JP Leonard everybody or go There's Heidi makes so it's for Heidi everybody JP Leonard I am from Louisiana Cajun country settle down and uh everyone wants to come to Cajun country They want to see all the stuff we have and I'm like look I live there my favorite place closed during COVID And that was an all you can eat Popeye's buffet That's right. I don't know if you know this Lafayette, Louisiana's home to the only Popeye's buffet in the world And it was a beautiful full menu fried chicken white meat dark meat All the sides you can have and all the biscuits and ketchup you can fucking eat And people ask me was it good and I'm like you shut your damn mouth And then I look them in the eyes and I tell them in May 2018 world class chef Anthony Bourdain Came to Lafayette to fill an episode of his TV show and he ate at that Popeye's buffet three days in a row And less than six weeks later he killed himself. So Was it good you got damn right it was good All I'm saying is how do we get Bobby Flato waffle house? All right, that's it Okay 56 seconds of JP Leonard JP you look like your new here, right? I am first time. Yeah welcome. How long you been to in standup? A little over 10 10 years. We're at Lafayette, Louisiana. Okay. You've been there the whole time. Yeah, still live there Yeah, I run a scene out there. Oh nice. You have a family. Yeah, I do wife two kids two dogs three cats Wow, look at that. Yeah, I love it. I love it What do you do for work? I'm education. So I work from home now. So virtual school nice virtual school What do you teach him? I'm not I do a special head stuff IEP's all like it stuff. Oh Jeremy. This may be one of your Speak my language. Yeah, also little Popeyes. I know Good to see you again though. Yeah, one of your former great teachers. Yeah. Yeah. No, I definitely did I did all that shit all the way through great school. It was I mean, I was one of the more advanced You know everybody was like chewing on shit and I was like what's fucking? Yeah, you can swallow. Yeah, what's that? You can swallow So I could swallow What okay keep going all right I might be a virgin, but I'm I'm still like girl. Yeah, what the fuck over that? None. None No JP, can you get him Tony? JP, can you give us an example of times where You've noticed something funny while teaching special ed online. I didn't teach for long So I do like IEPs and stuff and I was a supervisor. I don't think like the plant Jeremy. You got it The plans for special education kids, you know, it's like they're document. Yeah, but I was a assistant principal before that I've kind of been everything so mostly out the classroom my whole time, so okay Is it is it easy doing that for the special ed industry because like oh we call them an industry, but yeah, it's I mean, they're not on the dial, but uh, you know They're on the dirt Amazing. No, man. I loved it. I mean, I did teach for a couple of years and then moved into supervisor roles and everything But yeah, I love educations been 23 years. I've been doing well. That's great. That is just great Jeremy I can know any Any of the kids ever try to fucking fight you? No, I've been going. I was cool. I was the I was a cool teacher the time I taught so But did you but did anybody ever like fucking just go off their meds on the spectrum just fucking come for you? No, did you ever think did you ever take self defense like did you ever think about like what if because you always got to be an Any sort of supervisor role. You got to play the what if game, right? Yeah, you you do a it's called CPI training crisis prevention So you try to deescalate the thing. All right, give me what's the music real quick fellas. Yeah, let's see what happens Let's say there's a little crisis. Let's say let's see if you remember your CPI here's Jeremy Let's say let's say you're in a fucking HM machine. So you're trying to get some cash out and I just got I just got done getting Taco Bell and I realized I was a little short on cash And I got to get someone to go back to get the fucking nachos, right? Okay, and you're at the machine and all of sudden And here we go Wow, look at Hey, motherfucker, give me a fucking god or give me a I have a fucking good fuck Wow So all right, so Okay, here we go. You got a little I get more money. All right Hey, um, you might have a borrow of five dollar bill. No, you go sit. Oh, just get my dick What do you do? I won't suck you dick and you you just go sit down Okay It fucking works. I'm gonna be starting with them. Wow, wait a fucking improvise Crisis prevented Without a doubt I've never had them spit on my ear so it was kind of weird, you know, but I'll it's not the first time before I had that. Oh boy From the kids this bit. Yeah, JP. How long have you been with your baby mama? We made 22 years in December married. Wow. How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom? How do you keep things exciting? We roleplay really? Yeah, can you give us an example of some things that you've done? Yeah, so the latest one I act as like cartoon characters and my new character I'm uh, I'm doing the children's level with Donkey E-Or. Oh, yes, this is gold and who is she in this? She's just herself. Oh nice. She hell yeah. She likes Donkeys. I love it. Who doesn't love a good old donkey dick in here I mean, so can you give us an example of how you come in the room when you're Donkey in it up? Uh, I walk on two lakes because I was trained and then uh and when you know, she wants to do stuff and I'm like, oh, okay I'm like, I guess we can do that position. Okay, then and she keeps going and I'm like, I've never done anal Oh, look poo. All right, so we need the poo joke. All right. Yeah. How do you how do you come as you or? Also buckets look you're a donkey. It's gotta be you know, you gotta go fuck it hard dude. I'm pretty mellow So I get that vibe gone to the same acting school as Moni Not a lot of commitment there Give us one more crazy fun fact about your life JP Leonard you seem like you've seen a lot a lot laugh. I yet Louisiana's a crazy place. Yeah, it's it's it's there It's interesting. No, I mean then in comedy, you know, run shows produce shows do a lot of podcast editing and if I'm at home I just like like a good cigar a good glass of whiskey and share a rotisserie chicken with my dogs on the back patio, you know Hell yeah, look at you Huh a real just good old American man. Yeah, live in the life. I love it. Anything else for JP gentlemen? Tumelo Yeah, what's there's something there's got to be something going on like you can't just be like I just like kicking and hanging out like What's that's what I do? Oh, there's some fuck up going on here dude. No, I'm not your what is it? Your whole set was about a Popeye's buffet the highlight of your interview was rotisserie chicken I used to be a really fatter dude, so you know, yeah, I lost like 80 pounds over the last year or so, but that's where all this coke. Okay. Yeah, the No, Zempick. No, I couldn't afford to exempt so I got the bootleg stuff, but you know. Oh nice. Yeah, just eating right, you know and working out, I guess All right, you don't have to look at my pecs. That's it again. You don't have to look at my pecs when I set that No, you look good. Oh, thank you. Thank you. I bet you swallow Fertisserie chicken. Yes, yeah, sure if that's what you want to call it. Do you ever have? Did your wife ever like it's like, you know, I've my you know my my my most boyfriend Jerry is always like, you know I've been fucking her for a while. So like at some point we're gonna mix it up bring somebody else in the bed Is your wife ever suggest that or do you ever get I always feel that that's like coming in a marriage where it's like you gotta fucking spice things up No, somebody else into the no, the biggest thing I did. I got a bisectomy. So that's it Oh, prove it. All right Give me a cup. All right. Oh shit gross JP fun times. Here's a medium joke book. Nice to meet you buddy Make the trip again. See you another minute It's the one word name coming at you right now. So anything can happen here What we've learned from many years of the show is one word names can be a little bit more wild than two word names So make some noise from Kyle everybody one word Kyle I So the last like Sense for like an hour. I was talking to a real comic and he was like tell me like dude This is the worst thing that could ever happen to you like coming up on stage your first night. I'm like well shit. I don't want to do that and Dude here we are of course But like my minute. I don't know when it started but Like when you come when you come to sign up for this you are they're like, why do you think you would be good and I'm like well You're right. I don't think I'd be good and I just like I heard there's this like exquisite joy from like failing Like public humiliation that you can't get anywhere else And I'm here right now Kyle with somehow the best bucket pool set of the night No preparation whatsoever Wow, so this is your first time ever attempting stand-up. I love it. Welcome Kyle. Welcome straight from the Vietnam war Incredible, Afghanistan. Yeah, yeah, this is gonna be a hell of an interview. I don't see how we can fail here Kyle So tell us what made you want to start stand-up comedy today? Okay, the answer I was gonna give to The guy you just have to give the honest answer but good my one minute was was like my life's too tragic Okay, my life is too tragic To be taken seriously like by the way. I look oh My god evil William Montgomery. Yeah Okay, where's his scooter dude you heard about it right over there you can't miss it again Not only were you one of the more genuine sets you're you're also one of the better-looking bucket pools that we've had here tonight So welcome to the Killtony universe Okay, stick with me here Kyle What have you been doing with your life this entire time so you could just ramble it off the wall I was talking another comic about that again You don't need to reference other conversations. You could just answer the questions directly. I live in the woods in Oklahoma Perfect in a cabin. Okay, are you are you on the run from something? Like wildlife What the fuck does that mean? Are there a bunch of moose there trying to get fucking money out of you or something in Oklahoma? You're a mad Oklahoma You'll it's not a joke. There's no What the fuck go ahead Elks mostly Elks okay what makes you want to make what made you move to a cabin in Oklahoma Family trust we have a trust up there Me and my dad built it when I was like nine okay a kid and is your dad still alive? Yeah, okay? So you hang out with your dad? I hang out in the woods by myself pretty much by yourself your dad's not there anymore He's like he has a law firm and Your dad has a law firm in Dallas. Okay, many built you a cabin in Oklahoma and said here you go kid You stay here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, if you need a roommate, I am free Because I'm in an Airbnb in fucking San Antonio right now. It's not cheap I know I'm like kind of alone this but I love my dad. He's awesome. Yeah, the smartest guy I've ever known. Okay, Jeremy He's starting to blogs breaks for loving up for dad. I don't know mine. You hate Jerry's fun. You hate Jerry He's except my mom's boyfriend. I Don't have a dad do you want me to fucking? Relax Okay, Kyle have you ever you have a job? Now fuck now look at you You were dressed like a guy that doesn't have a job. Have you ever had a job? Okay, you would say yes at that part into the microphone Kyle my last job was at 7-Eleven Okay, I could love that place. I Worked there for like two weeks and then you ever come in any crimes? I was trying to get back in the army and then Projected into the tip of that microphone. You have to talk a little bit louder. You don't to cup it You could just talk you don't have to do that just talk Like a grownup into the tip of the mic Was a question again. Have you ever committed any crimes? No violent crimes. No, okay, if you ever steal any kick-ass Do Mike very specific question Jeremy. He's trying to questions trying to get you were stealing a valor No When you were in the woods, did you ever see you ever see a fucking shake? Kyle Kyle there any ladies out there in the woods. What do you do for fun? Like what do you do? How do you? Can you I do bird calling? Okay, let's hear some bird calls. Thank God all mighty. We got something out of him. Here we go with some bird calls Falcon Is that a Falcon It's just a general call. I do to albers. Okay. Do you know any other calls bird calls? That's Gmail Falcon Female Falcon wait Jeremy is a bird specialist Wait Kyle I'm going to ask you again. What made you come down to Austin, Texas for this? Do you know what this did you ever watch the show or something when you're that bored in the woods like? I just do shit like drive 500 miles on a scooter and I'm like this is kind of fun You were on a scooter. Yes, a scooter. You find this scooter in Tucson, Arizona Green wheels No, I bought in Plano, Texas. Thank you. Sorry, but that appreciate a good haul back there We like dumb and dumb or style you fucking came all the way here. Yeah, let's go. Yeah All right, give a ridden of train. Yes, steam engine not a steam engine should try it. I want to do you'd love it How'd you know I was autistic about trains like you look like a conductor from a kid show that is true That is true Looks like you could be that that's actually my dream job right now. Okay. All right Kyle. I recommend preparing for this Writing memorizing your set and and signing up again sometime come back sign up again I'm gonna send you back to Oklahoma with a little joke book. I think you got to give Jeremy a sneak back here You go, there you go, boom. There you go. All right, there he goes Welcome to Killsack. Will you let this fucking guy go? What the fuck is going on? I felt bad. He was gonna take it and I was like eat by himself. Maybe he could talk to him But then I was like I really fucking boy. I didn't want to give it away. I heard Jeremy say I paid for it It's 7 to 11. I ironically Believeable, all right ladies and gentlemen. We have a special treat for you We love this guy around here. He's so different than everybody else here with the brand new minute makes the noise for sir Winston pickles everybody This by the way is little Kwame I've been sponsoring this little guy in Africa for the last three years at 99 cents a week and Unbeknownst to me last March my credit card expired so he's dead No worries his family still get a little bit of money. They sold his shrunken head to a tourist I love America, right? The only place you can go to wake especially olive garden start your shift as a chef and end up as a head chef Thank you First of all one of my favorite jokes of the night. How about a hamburger Winston pickles, but let's talk about that all of garden's joke at the end Chef head chef. What do you mean? A guy just fried his head committed suicide. Oh Got it. Got it. Oh that did. Yes, and you Red band my red bands flag is that half staff for that. He's a huge huge olive garden fans It's been a rough week for you. All of garden guy killed himself in the deep fryer and Wendy's are closing 400 locations. Yeah, wait. Why? No, they're downsizing and they're trying to Redoo their menu make it cheaper because of the economy and all that five letters. I mean you'll be downsizing What red bun will be downsizing. That's true. He's gonna be down 402 All right, uh, so Winston pickles amazing amazing material explain to the people what the half and half is I don't know if everybody can see exactly this thing on there, but I Actually saw this lady in Tucson last week Nancy Guthrie You saw her in Tucson she was on a raise as good as she was That is a Nancy Guthrie on the side of a half and half Well somebody's gonna do thing because the FBI isn't that is true nothing's happening It seems so Winston pickles is back Jeremy. This must be very exciting for you. Yeah, this is all is a real tree I am afraid of clowns, but um, but you're super fun. Fuck it funny dude. Uh, do you do you want to birthday parties or do you? No, no, that's shit. Okay. Where are you from England? Let's go Which uh, which part I Yorkshire the hair is that the Harry Potter partner. No, no How long did you oh, it's just you ever you ever you thinking of the question right? I've got it. I just don't know how to ask it But when I say I'm afraid of him what's uh When you're having so virgin, let's get out of the way when I you do it There's that help to look like that like the when you when you when you get to do it do you fucking say like that or do you fucking change it change it up When I do well when do I need to fucking act it out like when you fucking But when you when you get to when you get to fucking fucking Okay Maybe maybe maybe use your words. Yeah, just when you get to fucking doing the questions. Yeah, of course I do You say you stay like correct. So yes, let's go. Yes, do you do you have a little squeaky towards you? Yes We keep all you yes. Oh, let's go All right, that's it Matt Well, how far do you go with the paint? Is that is it full body? Just finish it with chest. Okay. Yes, that makes sense. You black under there. Yes. I'm a hiding from ice Yeah, black people can do that black people can do white face really? Yeah cool the other way around you get a problem It's true or a career You do tricks no the fuck I don't own three of anything alone just to detach jugglers Well, we got news for if you want some tricks. We got Jeremy right here. Yeah, there's only one trick So um all right, so close your eyes Uh imagine you're on a beach right now. Yeah, give me some beach music guys You're on a super super sexy beach right and there's nobody there. It's just just a lot of drums. I don't know if that's beach music Yeah, it's a Caribbean beach and there's a lot there's a lot of people are out there a lot of big-ass cities, right? Everyone's hanging out a sexy women and all the ones start coming up to you. They go oh see it. What's up, man? You uh You black under there Clicky rise close and then uh and then I said and there's boom there's like 30 women and they're all like hey I don't know if those clothes come off easily, but uh, we would like to and then open your eyes and then there's a fucking chicken for you Sorry dude, I was so sure maybe disrespectful. I'm sorry I could have thrown it at his chest. You didn't have to hit. I'm fucking out of his face. I'm so sorry dude We got him close. Give me a bucket. God, it's 7-Eleven. He had it. He has a snake Well, you really don't do any tricks, huh? No, so you're just the scariest drag branch ever. Yes Oh my god. Yeah, it's terrifying. I love his dark jokes. The uh, he's dead punchline was so crisp I absolutely loved it. Yeah, crisp. It was uh There was a decisive delivery it was It wasn't like really anything we've seen tonight Jeremy tagging with that what that's what's up. Yeah And then there was a bunch of people that have done it for a total of 55 years that uh talked about bread and yeast infections pop eyes buffets and grits the south He's dead was my favorite punchline so far. You're welcome So so Winston pickles getting us through another great set. Thank you so Winston You're welcome. Thanks for all the fun times So Winston pickles ladies and gentlemen nothing quite like a a British evil clown They don't make him like that anymore It is terrifying one more time for Sir Winston You guys having fun out there Back to the bucket we go as you've seen tonight Absolutely anything can happen. It could be a Evil British clown. It could be a man from the woods in Oklahoma Anything can happen. Make some noise to your next comedian out of the bucket. Hey, bullstab. Hey Last time I was in Austin uh, was about $200,000 earlier last year in rehab and uh, yeah, that's right Yeah, yeah, let that marinate for a second. So they don't take insurance in rehab But you do get to learn one thing about rehab your roommate will always be the one that's trying to jerk off when they're on volume It's two hours, two hours of hearing this when you're trying to sleep. And it's not even the fucking good shit, like it's not even anyone that's next to you. So that's what I have to say about rehab, that and, all right. And the fact that you go to sober living, which is right next door, so my view from sober living house was all these fucking buildings that I couldn't come to, which was really exciting. And then I got served divorce papers. Uh, yeah, it's just getting there, right? And then on top of that, I decided to become single again at 50, what, what, I didn't decide. I didn't decide to become single. I was told that I'm single now. And I still have a credit rating of 820. So. All right, hey, bullstab, making what I believe is your Killtony debut, correct? It is my Killtony debut, yes, sir. Wow. Okay. Uh, have you ever done stand up before? A couple of times. A couple of times. A couple of where out. So, uh, I host the hey, bullstab show in San Antonio and, uh, shout out. And, uh, you also look like you host an AA meeting in San Antonio. A lot of them. Hey, I got six months, uh, sobriety this month. Let's go, dude. Okay. What's to? All right. No. So. Hey, let's talk about it. Um. Fuck it. Right. It's going to go see if Jurassic Park is still open. It's going to be a dinosaur or a dinosaur or a two-er. But we're going, we don't need roads. That's a different movie. Oh, shit. Deer movie. I've always seen Jurassic Park 2, by the way. Hell yeah. Hey, bullstab. Yeah. Let's talk about it. How old are you? I'm 51. 51. You don't look a day over 65. That's incredible. Jitsu for me. Jitsu makes my life a lot easier. You do, Jitsu? Uh, 15 years. What belts are you? Uh, four stripes on my blue belt. Getting ready for my purple. Wow. Is that your new catchphrase? Getting ready to-- yeah. Why not? All right. Come on, get one a little scenario. All right. I'm ready. Fuck it. Let's show you at the ATM. And I've just got back from getting some chocolate belt. I'm an ATM. You're a spook. Get a spook. Get a spook. Please help me, please. Don't hurt. Help me stop. Free table stud. Don't hurt him. This looks like it could be a real-- yeah, pretend. Get money up. It's me. It's the ATM. That's the ATM. Give me all your money, pa. Where? Don't hurt him. Don't hurt him, hey. Okay. All right. This is a bad idea. Jitsu, bad idea. Give him a minute. Oh, whoa. Oh, shit. Jitsu. [LAUGHTER] Jitsu. [LAUGHTER] Jitsu. Get back here. You're a lost dude waiting to happen. I love you. You're from a purple bitch. All right. All right. All the way in. Can we just start dancing out of nowhere? The only person having any purple up here is John D's and D Madna. They're beverage of choice, buddy. Purple. Na na na na. Bullstad, I have a thousand questions for you. Let's get into it. You're 51. You're six months sober. Yeah. What kind of party were you having, exactly, to where you had to go to a $200,000 rehab facility? Ready? Fuck it. Let me see. Gallon in a half a vodka day. No one's allowed to tell me no. Basically, fly wherever I want, do whatever I want. And, yeah. What do you do for work? How do you make that money to be able to do that? Fly wherever you want, drinking a gallon. How shameless am I allowed to get? Just answer the fucking question, dude. Been a rough night for interviews tonight. I own a river outfitter in New Bromphels, Texas. Nice. And, I just didn't do in this. You've done that your whole life? For a good 16 years now, yeah. Okay. And, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I just hustle. I'm a grinder, like everybody else. Not grinder. Okay. All right. Hey, Bullstad. So, a gallon about good day. You were flying all over. Gallon in a half. Okay. All right. There you go. Was there drugs involved? Cocaine is always going to be a beneficial thing to almost anything. If you want to stay up for a couple of days and shit your brains out. Oh, it's a skinny drug. I know. What the f--? [laughter] Six months sober. Six months sober. You know what? I love you, too. I love you, too, man. I don't like that I can see your dick in these sweatpants. I know they don't. Oh, it is very clear. I really don't love it, dude. It is very clear. Hey. Yeah, you ready to go to the shoot club? That's what's up. Janet, Tony O. You're-- you're-- you're-- You're-- you're-- oh, shit. I go to that one, too. I'm having the best time ever. This is awesome. Wait, you said you were divorced? Halfway through it. Oh, shit. A gallon in a half. A gallon in a half. Yeah. Tony. Come on. You know what? I wish her the best. I got nothing negative. Wish her the best. But if you had to say one thing about-- One me here. One of you, too. Forever. No, I wouldn't be here. You're a smart guy. I don't want everybody happy in life. I love that. You have kids, Bullstad? I got a daughter that's going to turn seven next month. Okay. All right. You're still in her life. I guess. Absolutely. That's great. So what made you-- what made you want to get in a stand-up comedy? I talked shit to Polly Shore when I was 17. When I lived in San Diego. And he-- he dragged me around because I kept talking shit. And Mitzi and then let me go on for Friday night and a Saturday night. And then-- Here was this. This was with me 1992. Wow. Still. Three years pre-map rife. And then-- That's absolutely incredible. And then yeah. And then after that, I went surfing. And then went and got a job. And whatever the fuck else had. What was the job? Motivational speaker. What were you speaking about? Positivity and how to raise money for high school athletics. And if I would tell-- I would tell the football players. If you have to do girlfriend, you make them both sell. That one. That sells the most. You keep her. The other one's a loser anyway. Sell what? Chocolate. Yeah. Oh. Chocolate. And bro-- Yeah. This is a night of confusing interviews. It's a night of love. Well, Dad, stick with me up here just for a second. 'Cause I want to know for my own information and maybe we'll circle back to this crap. But you talked shit to Polly Shores. You're basically like-- Yeah, he was walking by. He had two blondes, one on each side. And then you said-- I went and I was like, "Ran, what's you do?" "Hey, shit." I had no idea. I'm 17. But you definitely knew-- On he was. Yeah, 'cause he had two blondes, one on each side. And also because he had the face and hair of Polly Shore. Well, that, and he also, I think, and Cino Man or something. Something was out. And he was-- Oh shit, yeah. Word. Okay, that's the answer. So you knew who Polly Shore was, you talked shit to him. I want to know about you met the actual Mitzi Shore. Yeah. And then she said-- And I also met the man with the crutches. He had all the stuffed animals on his crutches. Okay. And they made me sit outside in the parking lot, 'cause it couldn't come in. Correct. That makes more sense. Because earlier you said that they put you on stage. We did. Okay, so-- But I had to wait outside. Right. Okay. Stick with me here, Bullstad. Stick with me here. You ready? I'm ready. When you say they put you on stage, was it by yourself? Yeah. For how long? Five minutes. Is it three minutes? No, it was-- they have a light. I didn't know what the light was. Was it upstairs? No, it was in the main room. Did it have a red stage or was it carpeted? Small room. There was a piano. I just remember there was a piano there, 'cause I used it the second night I came up. Was it a keyboard or an actual physical piano? Yeah. Was it a red stage with red neon lights? I-- that part I don't remember, but I mean, everybody was super cool. It's just-- it was in La Jolla. Okay. There you go. We'll fucking start with that. Yes. Total. Different. Can someone-- can you do-- Then you. No, I-- No, I-- Damn thing. Getting nothing. Nothing in love it. Okay, Bullstad. Uphill, Bullstways. What did you do on stage since you had no comedic-- I talked about getting my wisdom teeth pulled. What did you say about that? I said that I had gone to the planet drool because I couldn't really do anything other than drool while I was getting it done. And there was a dentist that was in the audience. And he started heckling me. And-- Oh, oh, oh. And so I just went all in. And I just told him that maybe he needed a better profession. Got him. Got him fucking good, dude. Yeah, 17, bro. You got to pick on a 17-year-old. There you go. Which poly in the back, like, boo, bro. No. He was so cool. Like, he was really, really cool about the whole thing and when I was done, then they-- I got down, walked down off the stage, and they brought me over to the-- kind of towards the front. And then there's that hallway that goes back. And they wouldn't let me go on the back, but they let me hang out there. And then, yeah, man, I just-- Someone offered me 25 bucks for one of my jokes. Ooh, okay. See, every time I'm about to move on to something else, something like that, which is completely fucking insane. When you say that, what was-- There's a lot of-- What was the joke that someone offered 25 bucks for? Do you remember that? By the way, that is the first. First time I've shushed somebody in 13 and a half years. That's how you make me feel, Bullstad. I've literally never said, shh. Before thousands of hours of this show exists. I know you throw. And you're the first person that-- No, you roll. OK, you'll be all right. Do you remember the joke? So it was from the planet drool. And I was talking about them pushing the needle, which was at this point, like this long. And they put it all the way through my gum. And I guess the guy, the comic that was back there, he was wearing a blazer and-- Out of the question, I ask, go ahead. Well, I'm getting to it. So he said, hey, man, I like that. Right. He said, I like it. And he offered me 25 bucks, and I was like, well, fuck. All right, I need the money. 25 bucks, bro. That's like-- Do you don't remember the joke? I just told you the joke. You didn't. You just said that you shoved a needle in his thing, and then you described what the guy was wearing. I was talking about the needle. You get your demand as behind me going, oh, my god. Oh, yeah. Everyone's freaking out. All right. He said he's the worst comic he's ever seen. It is amazing. Oh, stat, boy. Hell, yeah. Here comes the purple. I got it. Oh, you got tattoos. No, it doesn't matter. Jeremy Payne, no attention to the tattoos. There's a little joke, but there goes Hey Bullstat, everybody. There's nothing interesting about that man whatsoever on Planet Earth. Your girlfriends here? You want to bring your girlfriend out? Can she come out? Yeah, sure. Guys, give me my girlfriend out. Is that cool if she hangs out for a bit? Jeremy's stay ringing. You're bringing your girlfriend out? Yeah. Joba from Sanchez. This is insane. You dropped your ass though. This is one of the most carnival-less episodes of Kilt. Oh, my goodness. What? Oh, what? What in the world is going on here? What? What? Oh, what is going on? Check, check, check. Oh, my god. Wait, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Oh, my god. What the fuck, man? Oh, my god. A shot, Matt. Good to see you again. [LAUGHTER] What is your girlfriend's name, Jeremy? I'm right here, Tony. Oh, what's your name? It's Lindsay. I can talk to myself. What I say about talking to much bitch? I love it. He doesn't even try not to move his mouth. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, well, maybe you take me to dinner, Matt, and I'll move my mouth a lot more. [LAUGHTER] Whoa, whoa, what was that? A celebratory. What is that thing you did there with your fucking Tony? This is the first time we've ever had a lady like you on this show. Lindsay? Yes. Lindsay, you sound a lot like Jeremy. I gotta tell you, you guys must hang out a lot. Well, I have a cold. [LAUGHTER] Jesus. It's up, Ribbon. Oh, OK. Ribbon and I are in the same VR channel. Wow. Look at that. Oh, yeah. These are the types of people that hang out with you in the VR world. She's here, Fraggles. All right, back to-- What the fuck did you say to me? This is amazing. Is Lindsay going to join us for the next bucket pool? Is that cool? Yeah, no, that's fine. You guys might have to hang out for a couple of-- [CHEERING] She's real to me. Ooh, that sounds exciting. Someone's got to be around here. Oh, yeah, we're doing mostly mouth stuff. A lot of these people have been-- How much do a lower half on this one? [LAUGHTER] All right. Here we go. Your next bucket pool. Lindsay, you know how the show works? Yeah, I have fucking Facebook. OK. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Ryan Dordery. Everybody, Ryan Dordery. Here we go. The show continues. [APPLAUSE] I know I look like a Mormon CrossFit instructor, or maybe only an extra in a Viking movie. I didn't get a supporting role. I have no lines. I have-- despite that, I have the emotional and financial stability of a 14-year-old with a stolen credit card and divorce parents. I spend most of my money at the strip club on escorts and on weed, honestly. So my solution is I'm going to go to a medical trial here in Austin. They're going to inject my butt with HIV medication, and in the cheek, not in the hole, in case anybody was wondering. I'm really afraid of public speaking. So the only reason I did-- You want to finish that? The only reason I did this was to try to get Kim Kongdon's attention. I tried to send her flowers here. Holy shit. Holy shit. This is a live stocking. This is what the show's come to. Yes. The show has arrived. It was one thing when everyone was bombing. Guys just coming down from the woods to get all their socializing out of their system at once. But you coming-- you were here to get Kim Kongdon's attention? I drove 25 hours from cart. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, you are witnessing a part of Keltoni Live, in which will one day be on one of those fucking crime shows. Incredible. It's happening in real time. OK. Wow, Ryan. So is that really why you're here? Where did you drive 25 hours from, exactly? Carson City, Nevada. Carson City, Nevada. I've been there. Oh, OK. Fuck I say about talking. We're in Carson City. Oh, great question, Lindsey. I love that you go right to questions. Maybe you miss the part that I always tell Jeremy and Dr. Phil and Elaine, in which don't ask stupid questions for no reason, because it derails the entire interview portion of the show. Lindsey? Sorry, this is harder than that looks. OK. Ryan, let's talk about it, because this is going to be more of like an interrogation solving a crime more than an actual Keltoni interview. What was it that-- where did you see Kim Kongdon? Where you fell in love with him? September 1, 2022 at-- Oh, my God. What the fuck? At my drop comedy in San Diego, Carini Mesa, to be more specific. I talked to her for about two hours. Uh-huh. And I really want me to say it like some crazy stuff. Fuck yeah. Yes. This is most likely-- Fuck yeah. This is most likely going to be edited out of the show, because then we need you on-dolling sanity. But I know how I look. I know how I look. It's not about the look. It's more about the demeanor and the voice and everything else. Again, you're actually the best looking bucket bull. You just beat out Kyle from the woods in Oklahoma. So again, it's not about your look. It's about the tone and the-- what you said. But go ahead. I told her that night. I said, you know Tony Hinchcliffe and Nikki Glazer, I assume. You guys should roast my favorite athlete, Tom Brady. That was in 2022. OK. Wow. The prophecy came true. Dude, you should tell me to fucking get a bunch of fucking sex going. What? That's the sex. I did it. Sex. Sex. Got you. Got you. Fucking in. So Ryan, you talked to her that night. Do you try to communicate with her since then? Yeah. I mean, this is like a-- I could spend an hour explaining the psychosis, I mean. It gets scarier with every answer you give Ryan. It really does. It really does. OK. OK. So that's a yes. You guys do talk sometimes? No, no. She doesn't answer my DMs. Oh. I got a comment reply. So that's pretty good. All right. If she was here right now, and you could say anything you want to her, what exactly would you say if you had to keep it under 30 seconds? I would say I think about you all the time, so the first-- Oh, man, no. Wait, wait. Can I-- yes. Lindsay, can I maybe offer up some female-- can I offer up a female perspective? And what's your name again, Jeffrey? Ryan. Ryan. Sorry, you're giving up. Dahmer vibes. Dahmer vibes? So I'll be Kim, and let's say you're meeting me right now for the first time. Cool. Du-du-du-du-du-du-du. Oh, I have such a cool pussy. Oh, what's up, Ryan? Hey, I didn't expect to see you here. Oh, yeah, you fucking dead. What's up? How are you? Long time no see. I'm not sure if you remember me. I like everything you post. I listen to every podcast. Oh, wait, hold on. Hold on a second. I have to. [BLANK_AUDIO] I don't know if it's going pretty great so far, but that's all right. I don't think these things great, but I got to jump back into this. Hold on a second, because this is the only show in the world. I don't know if you guys know this, the moment that's happening right now is very interesting, because every other show in the world, you have a podcast, you book the guests, you do a little research on the guests, you ask them a few pre-plan questions, right? You try to stretch it out, you try to make a conversational on television. Everything is in a teleprompter, there's cue cards everywhere. Every single thing you've ever seen before, spoiler alert, has been predetermined and was planned before you ever saw it. Except for this moment, happening right now, live in this room. This is a live stalking that is happening right now with our very good friend, one of the first regulars ever in the history of the show, the hilarious Kim Kongdon, who is amazing and has been doing stand-up 13 years. Yeah, she rips so please. And so, you became obsessed with her, and you think about her all the time. All the time. Is there anyone else that you think about this like? Never in my life. Right. I love her like more than my mom and my mom's dead. Okay. When you say more than your mom, do you get along with your mom? She's dead, so I like her a lot more now. Okay, and me, Jesus Christ, man. Plot twist. Oh my God. Did you do that to her? You do. Did you do that to your mom? Maybe with my personality, I don't know. Oh my God. Kim's going to turn it to a fucking lampshade, dude. Oh my God. So, you've sent her flowers, she hasn't responded, he has, what is that saying? A ring and flower. You have a ring and flowers for Kim. Is what I've got. I've been handed a note. Is that true? Yeah, it's in a bucket and back. I didn't bring it on stage. Right. I'll allow people to bring things on stage and because they might end up like you. So, Ryan, boy, again, this is real. Pretty much all I can say right now, you've stumped me. And yeah, very, very highly likely that this won't make it to the show because it's kind of nuts. Tony, go ahead, Matt Rife. Can I call Kim and let's talk to him? That's a great idea. Again, Red, Ben, when someone's making a call, the phone doesn't ring. Oh, this is going to be so good. This better than love is blind. Wait, put it on speaker. Hit the speaker. Hey, it's Kim Condon. Wait, what? Wait. Oh, yeah. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. You have to, you have to know your head's set. My jaw. That's a bit to work. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. You wouldn't use that one either. You would. Let me call her back. Let me call Kim back. Yeah. It is in channel. You just got slicked. Or Dr. Pepper kicked act. Fuck. So when you brought a ring and flowers here. So much potential. You're expecting what exactly to happen to run into her that she'd be here perhaps. You want the realistic person? Yes. Realistically, I expect to be rejected. But just for closure, I have to, you know, you have to swing. But what kind of closure exactly are you looking? Either she's like, yeah, we could day, we could see how it goes. Or no, like this is crazy. This is a weird way to approach a woman. A lot of women at the same time just said, that's it. Yes, that's it. Every woman for the first time I've ever seen agrees on something, on one thing. They all agree on this. They're all looking at me and shaking their heads. Yes, all at once. It's almost incredible. Let's check in with Jeremy. Well, I got no experience here. So I think what you're doing is pretty fucking chivalrous. Also, some girls like to play hard to get, right? Or they want you to chase them. I mean, not literally chase them. I'm fast, you're fast. Stop. You should not say. So this is why I went out from the ladies. At what point when he's giving a gift, and she doesn't respond, that she just fucking take a hint. Like that time. Oh, oh. That the first time. What'd she say? Let's see the ring. Oh, good question. Oh. Is it a real ring? Is it a legit ring? How much, where'd you get it from? How much did you spend? Not a lot. $250. Wow, that's a lot. That's a lot. Well, open it and I'll explain it. If we have it. But let me ask you this, Ryan. Because you met her once before. Right? Only once. Well, hasn't communicated with you since then. So, wait. She used to talk to me on stage at the belly room. Wait, so you went to her show all the time. Dozens of shows. And sometimes she would respond to you if you asked a question. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, it was kind of conversational. Right. During her set. Yeah. You would yell something out. She would address me and then I would respond. Right. She would make fun of you. She would make a joke and then you would respond. Yes. Right. Okay. Ah, fuck it. It's a good footage. What your question was. Hold on. Goddamn it. Hold on. Fuck. No, hold on. So. I'm getting suggestions from the crowd for questions, by the way. Again, that's another first in the history. Could be such a good documentary, dude. Yeah. This is incredible. Because I don't think. Don't you think that if you talk to her one more time and she said to you. You know, Ryan. This is kind of wild. You're not my type. Right. I'm not into this. Don't you think that since you've only talked to her before. Once in reality, that you're going to only like her more. Probably, yeah. Every time I hear her talk, I tend to like her more. Right. Okay. Which is either stalkerish or nice, depending if I'm right. No, it's the first one. It's the stalkerish, Ryan. The stalkerish. Ryan. One of the scariest things in the history of the show. Have you ever had another girlfriend? Yeah. Okay. Don't say it like that. I'm 29. I'm 29. Come on. You're 29. Okay. What's been dry? 29 years. It's very possible. Yes. Well, this is Jeremy right here. Okay. Your belt is at the end. That is a great loss of setting. That is an unbelievable observation. There are 32 ways. I'm a 32 way. I'm a 32 way. No more loops left. It is incredible. What's the longest relationship you've ever been in? 10 months. 10 months. Did the girl know that she was still in the relationship the whole 10 months? Yeah. But she was AI. I'm just kidding. You can't make jokes like that, ma'am. All right. Ryan, we're going to let you out of here. I'm not making jokes. Sure. Whether this is one of the most compelling, compelling interviews and moments in the show's history or if it will. You're going to set them loose back in the club? No. It's not kind. They go right out the back door. Oh, yeah. I can tell you, there's a lot of security guys looking at me. Very concerned. I'm not violent. I know. We can tell. You seem like you have good intentions, but it is a little creepy, Ryan. All right. There he goes. Ryan Daughtery, everybody. No joke, but. Oh, nothing. Lindsay slamming her hand on the table. She liked him. I thought he was hot. I'm a crazy girl. You are a wild girl, Lindsay. All right. You know what? Let's cleanse the stage. Let's stage the stage a little bit. With the return of a golden ticket winner who hasn't been on this show in a very long time here. Ladies and gentlemen, could be a story of redemption and who knows. Anything can happen. He's one of the wildest characters in the history of the show. You know him. He has the record for most all-time appearances on one episode of "Keltony." Ladies and gentlemen, this is the return of Drew Nickins. Unlike the last guy, I just had sex for the first time in 18 months. She had a moat. (audience laughs) And that'll do. I think I was her first special needs body, because she knew how to seduce me. She was like, "Hell, yeah, brother, you look like Mar from home alone and a sexy Napoleon dynamite. Trying to go back to my hotel room and watch YouTube?" I was fucking jazz, 'cause I knew exactly what to throw on. And you go rare versus Ray Mysterio. How do we have it, 97? Am I right, ladies? I was a little nervous, because I don't have the lover's touch, 'cause sometimes I bet animals too hard. (audience laughing) But we got it cracking, dawg. It's so much scrap clapping, it's screaming during that hotel room session. People thought we were watching a black high school graduation. (audience laughing) And I got a TPR, but that night, I gave her a TPI, a traumatic pussy injury, 'cause I beat that thing up. (audience laughing) Incentually. Thank you. Hell yeah. Welcome to Sex Offender Kill Tony, everybody. This is a very special night. It was Kitsonsensual Tony. No, I'm joking, I'm joking. That guy scared me. (audience laughing) Wow. (audience laughing) I almost had to break out re-tugged strings. (audience laughing) Don't fuck with my homies. That's right, Kim Congdon is the homie. I gotta tell you, I love this set, Drew, and for those of you that might not know, that Eddie Guerrero versus Ray Mysterio match at Halloween Havoc, absolutely fucking amazing. You can show it to anybody, believe it or not. You can actually show that to your girlfriend and watch that, and she will be completely mesmerized. It's a true one of the greatest Luchador matches of all time. It is. Very professional wrestling, two of the all-time greats, and they're in their absolute prime at that period of their lives. Look at Michael Gonzales agreeing. Our own little dude. That's right. Okay, Drew, how's life been going? Life's been great, Tony. I just did my first sold out headlining set, couple weeks ago. Nice. How long did you do? How long does it take? I did 45 minutes. That's great. Amazing, Drew. Yeah. How many people were in the audience? There was about 120 people. That's amazing, Drew. Yeah. Were they all there at the end of the 45 minutes? They were. They were having a good time, I mean. I give a good show, guys. Don't listen to Reddit. (audience laughing) I fucking hate them, Tony. All right, you don't even know why you go on there, Drew. No, they send shit to me on Instagram, they're real mean. Okay, again, you don't need to, you don't need to like read these things. Well, you got to work off of your social media or anything? Okay, so here's why I look at it, because I've had two people come to me like with suicidal thoughts in my, like, general, and I've had to calm them down and say, hey, Drew. Life's okay. Drew, that's not your responsibility, buddy. I did appreciate it, though. Welcome. Fuck, Drew. Fuck, Drew, dude. It was a dark time in my life. I know. I think of people are coming to you as a last resort for their suicidal thoughts, Drew, that it might be time to just let them do what they're going to do, you know what I mean? I do ask if their tabloids fans first. Very funny. Drew, what else is going on in life? That shows wearing awesome shirts. What else? Yeah, my mom got me this. We know. Yeah. I've been just touring the road with a lot of golden ticket winners, trying to get my set better, riding a bunch of stuff, just doing the thing that you're supposed to do when you're a comic, steadily improving and getting better, because that's what we're here for. I want to do this for the rest of my life, so we're never going to stop. Drew, do you like the show, Blippi? Fuck yeah. Tell us about Blippi. Just describe to the people what Blippi is about. Yeah, I love Blippi, man. So I don't like the new guy. Fuck that guy. Fuck him. Bring back that Blippi. I love Blippi, because it's like a such an innocent show. They show educational things. The guys are personality. Like, he wears the same thing every time. He's fucking awesome. And then they brought this new guy and I was like, what the fuck? It turns me to fucking red. I went on the Blippi Reddit. What is it about the new Blippi that you don't like? He's not the same guy. That's like Joe and Steve. How do you feel about the new Jake from State Farm? And what? He's not black, and it's black history month. Fuck that. Fun fact, Drew Nickins is black. I'm not kidding. His father is 100% black. If you saw a picture of his father, you wouldn't believe it. I swear I got it. No, he's like an albino. Like an albino black guy. Any fucking way. Yeah, I am. Have you done anything black this month to celebrate black history? Oh, yeah, I went to Ross five times this week. Oh, shit. That's how I like it, my toiletries. Hey, my rights, brother. Amazing. Wait, let's see how black you are. Here's your snake. [SCREAMS] There's a snake on the goddamn plane. Very funny. We'll keep it in. There you go. Jeremy really belts people with that thing. There's no like show biz like toss up with this guy. Still looking for a picture of his dad. That's how black he is. He can't find a picture of his father. If you need it any more confirmation, let the two minutes that it took for him to find a picture. This guy's Puerto Rican at best. There's no way. No, he's really black. It's just light outside. It's light outside. This is a good photo, though. I do like this. This is your very own mom. Yeah. OK. Say it. Hell no. Yeah, that's what I thought. Drew, fun times. Thank you so much, Drew. We love Drew. We love Drew. Drew loves me. All right. Make some noise for your next bucket poll ladies and gentlemen. It's Greg Bergman, everybody. Greg Bergman. I don't mind you guys, but I am sick to death a pedophilia. Why are you sick of it? I don't mean sick of adults having sex with children. I've never been for that, just the way I was raised. But I'm sick of hearing about it. In New York, it was-- all I heard about was privilege and race. And I got annoying. Then I come to Texas. And all I hear about is vaccines and pedophilia. Vaccines and pedophilia. It's all people talk about. If I hear about vaccines and pedophilia one more time, I'm going to take 10 booster shots and fuck a kid. You know, I'm just-- I'm born of it. It's enough for me. I want to see what all this fuss is about, you know what I mean? And autism, that's another thing. I'm going to scam. Everyone in Austin says they're autistic. I'm autistic. You want to be. You want to be autistic. You want to be neurodivergent. You think it makes you interesting, OK? You're not autistic. If you're too much of a stupid little creep to look the barista in the eye, OK? You're a putz. You want autistic? That's what people like. I'll tell you autistic or neurodivergent. Last summer, during the flood, I walked around in a hundred degree heat. And I was afraid to use the bus car but the mental hospital gave me for fear of the invisible material I thought would explode when I swiped it to the bus and blow everybody up. That, my friends, is neurodivergent, OK? So if you want a stupid little creep, here I am. All right. Great, Bergman. Prepared, memorized his set, went through the words in the order that he prepared it. And meanwhile, I still wish the stalker was on stage. All right, that's a special kind of plan, deliverance. Oh, fuck. Greg, has anything changed since the last time you've been on the show? Well, yes. Two things happened, this is both true. Greg was on very recently as a penis implant. Yes, when I left, he was very-- I got a big joke, but very happy. A couple of Australian guys saw the step. They said, go to the creek. This is true. Go to the creek in the cave. I went to the creek in the cave. I slipped on the ice, fell. Lost my joke book and bruised on my ribs. That's true. At least I think it was ice. It could have been the little greasy Mexican they were dragging away. Wow. OK. No, but it was true. That's a true story. We'll be right back. [LAUGHTER] I thought that's one thing I told you. Oh, shit, dude. Oh, but a Dr. Pepper ticac? No, that was true, though. It's destiny. When God takes your big joke book from you-- I know. That's how you know it was never meant to be. Oh, boy. Greg. Yeah. I mean, it's just been. I just got to-- I just-- anything else that you thought about since the last time you were on that would have been good to talk about in the interview portion, but now hear me out. Oh, that's good. I did-- I did-- yeah. My dog died, that's to say. Did that happen in the past two weeks? Yeah, past two weeks, too. Well, how did your dog die? Kill herself. It's a-- What a crispy gnome shoot it in the face. Yeah. Yeah, well, it's a suicide. Yeah, no, she died. Yeah, she died, it was just sad. And my grandmother died three weeks ago, but the dog died two weeks ago. Sorry, dude. I know. Good, man. I know. It's a party. It's a party. It's a party. I had jokes that were good, too. I thought you wanted to-- I didn't you do them. Because I thought the first one was good with the fuck to get a new job. -Here's a little jokebook, Greg. -Oh, that's good. -I'm going to keep him going. -Yes. He said, "No." -No! -Oh, okay. -There he goes. Greg Bergman, everybody. All right, one last bucket pool. This episode is "Demented." Let the record show that I'm aware that this is an insane episode. Are you guys having fun? We have the most insane fans in the world. You guys all fucking. You guys are loyal to the soil. One last bucket bowl. Mix the noise for Thomas a lump-mountain. Thomas a lump-mountain. -I like having a fast sex with old women. Yeah, I said, I like having a fast sex with old women. I call it going 90 to 70. Yeah. I love it. Fast sex with old. I love having fun. Call my balls worthers originals. The way I like these hip replacement, Hussey sucking on them. You know what I'm talking about? I like having a fast sex with old women, ladies and gentlemen. Am I the only one here? The woman looks at me and says, "Yeah, no." No, I like having a fast sex with old. Oh, my gosh, folks. You know what I hate, though? I hate having slow sex with old with the young pussy. I hate having slow sex with young pussy. What am I running the government? No. And even if I was, if I was running the government, I'd be having fast sex with old women, folks. Thank you, I've talked about them. I loved it. I almost forgot what it was like when people came up there and just did jokes. Hell yeah, dude. Welcome, welcome. Hey, thanks. Is this your first time on the show? No, I've been here before. Okay, welcome back. Very funny. Where are you from? I'm from Nebraska. And how long have you been in Austin? I've been in Austin for eight months now. Eight months. Fuck yeah, you've been on the show only once before? Only once before. What do we find out about you? What was the most compelling? What was my favorite part of that interview, you think? Oh, well, you found out that I used to be a male model and you maybe take my shirt off and you were, you liked it a lot. Yeah, I did. Hell yeah, now I remember having flashbacks. Yeah. I love it. Hell yeah. So, how's Austin been treating? What's been going on now? It's been pretty good, man. You know, I got a cool job. Now, I've been doing a lot of spots. It's amazing. I love it here, man. What's the cool job? I now, I now, I'm a, I have the greatest job of being a, uh, I'm a fucking bell-hop pro hotel, dude. Hell yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Jeremy. Le Quinta? No. Le Quinta has four. Le Quinta has four. Le Quinta has four. What kind of rewards? We can't all fly on fucking private planes, man. What kind of rewards do you get at the Le Quinta, Le Quinta Inn? Oh, breakfast before everybody else. Really? See, you have to wake up earlier. But this is the crazy deal. That almost seems like it would be. I thought this was a safe space. That's really hostile towards fun stuff. Breakfast before everybody else. Okay, so I wake up at four. Breakfast is at seven. Also, I get the first day of done clean seats. I usually get like, I don't know, like sometimes they have only a certain amount of waters behind the front desk. So I get first day of done like the coldest waters. They're all room temperature, man. They're all of them. Le Quinta has only room temperature. That is your mind. Well, you're clearly not in the rewards program. So. Cold ash water. But so, bell hop, that's cool. Do you love it? It's a dream come true, truly. It is. It's a dream come true. I've always wanted my dad was a bell hop. My grandpa was a bell hop. I hope my son is a bell hop. Live on the legacy of hop and bells. That's right. You know what it is? Girlfriend Thomas? No, I don't. I just recently just recently got our relationship. Oh, how'd that end? Why'd that end? Uh. I'll start the world. Commitment. Commitment issues. We'll send that right. What's up? [ Laughter ] Tell us about that, Thomas. Well, funny. Funny. It just happened like last week and she was like, "Can we have a serious talk?" And I'm like, "For sure." And I got there and she's like, "Let's not have it right now." I was like, "All right, cool." And so I brought over like Legos. You know? Because I was like, "Let's do some Legos." It was cool, like Obi-Wan, Kenobi ship. Yeah. Right? Hell yeah, dog. And so I started doing Legos and then she was like, "Hey, can we talk now?" And I was like, "Yeah, man. We're playing, I'm doing Legos right now, but sure, you know?" But we talked and it was like, "Oh, it's probably not good. We keep coming back to each other. It's probably best. We're not really grown as people." And it was sad. But we both cry. We both hugged each other. And at the end she was like, "Oh, well, I was like, well, maybe I should go." And she's like, "Yeah, you probably, that's probably best if you should go." And then I had to pick up my fucking Legos. [ Laughter ] And for a second, I was like, "Should I just give her the leg? Should I give them?" They're like, "No, they're my fucking Legos." And I'm going to have the -- I don't want the Legos, you know? So I had to be like, "Can you get up? I think you're on the Leg, you know?" It was really embarrassing. And then I packed up everything. And I was like, "I put on my backpack." And I said, "Budder." And I took a look around the room and being like, "Oh, this might be the last time I ever see this room." And then on the windowsill, I saw the Obi-Wan Kenobi, like, mini-fig with the lights there. And I'm like, "Oh, fuck. Thank God I didn't forget that. Oh, my God." [ Laughter ] You know? It's his ship. Yeah. It wouldn't be -- It would be weird if I didn't have the Obi-Wan Kenobi -- Yeah. -- many figure with the lights there. Yeah, it's the -- Yeah, you get it. Yeah, you get it. So, yeah, that's -- that happened. Amazing. That's a great breakup story. You know, it would be a great rebound. Kim Congdon. [ Laughter ] I swear her. She's super available. All right, I could put you on cod. Do you see him super safe? Does she fuck with Legos? I'm sure she does. Almost positive. You call her? You call her? Not that -- Call her and see if she fucks with Legos. Did you get a big joke book last time you were on? I did, yes. Perfect. There you go. You already have it. There he goes. Thomas LaMountain, everybody. [ Applause ] And now we've arrived at the end of the episode. And we have one regular that's going to close it out. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy is an absolute fucking sensation. Formerly, the dark storm of Atlanta. He's now the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some fucking noise for the one and only "Dedrick's Blend" with a brand-new minute, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] Y'all mother fuck frontier airlines. I hate them bag Nazis. And I don't support Nazis. If you've never had the unfortunate time to go fly Waffle House Airlines, these niggas got a metal box right there. And they say, "This is a bag. No niggas. That's a box." And then they say, "You got to put your bag. It's got a fitting here." And if it don't, everybody that working frontier get to beat your fucking ass. They do. And they only hire niggas from Waffle House so they know how to fight individually and as a unit. [ Laughter ] And if you didn't get your ass whoops, 'cause you paid the $300,000, it costs to not have your bag fit in there. And the only reason they get to charge $300,000 motherfucking dollars is they ask you $300,000 motherfucking times do you want to buy a bag? Niggas, you should buy a bag. I wouldn't fuck with us. But I got niggabotter. I mean, we've been waiting for niggas not to buy a bag. [ Laughter ] Do you need -- do you so I bought the bag online? And I got the bundle where you can pick your seat. How about these niggas sold me a windowless window seat? [ Laughter ] Do you go tell me to take my phone down, 'cause I had a duck tape, 'cause I'm claustrophobic, 'cause I gotta look at something, son. [ Laughter ] Didn't they got a nerd to come back to and talk about the pilot since you can't be selling snacks on the plane? Nigg, I got to get this money back. I was just selling like little burritos and shit. So I tried to become an entrepreneur. You know what I'm saying? It's black and street money. And they was like, "But what about the gambling? Dice on the plane, dude." [ Laughter ] It's what I said, "Hey, man. Niggas, you telling me to catch and told you to come say that? The same nigga I just sold to Adderon to before we took off." You just didn't go get on the intercom and go, "Shit, y'all hang on." [ Laughter ] "I ain't gonna hold you niggas be mine, I go." [ Laughter ] That's my time. I love y'all. Thank y'all for that. It's good for you. [ Cheers and applause ] Dedrick planes with another two minutes. This guy does twice the work that he has to do without a doubt the best set of the night. Dedrick, you are a fucking freak of nature. How's life treating you? Dude, he's so fucking cool, dog. I get-- my favorite thing now is like, 'cause I have other friends that are doing like a-- my boy, Cam, was opening up for you. Cam Bertram. Yeah, that's my best friend. Yeah, we got like five matching tattoos. Like, we've been best friends for three. But all right. All right. Five. Five matching. You had an opportunity to go get a tattoo with him and you didn't go do it. Oh, it shows up on me. [ Laughter ] -Yeah, yeah. Is that true? Never sees it. -Fuck you handsome ass, nigga. I don't have to -- -Fuck you, fucking new hair, niggas. You look like -- -Yeah, from Street Fighter, I fucking love you so much. -Yeah, fuck you, man. -Fuck you, fuck you. -Yeah. -How you got gold teeth in a silver chain? -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -I'll get that net. -That net. -I just got on, dumbass. He's stupid, fuck you. Look so dumb right now in front of fucking everybody. Everybody knows I got to take it a step at a time. You're such a stupid bitch, dude. I'm fucking hate. And I know that's just your son about in Atlanta too, nigga. I've been waiting to run into your head. -Good. The airport's trash, and I don't die on that hill. -Oh, my God. I'm out here. -You were so mean to people, dude, and you -- to have a face like that and be mean is, you're just so -- That's just so fucked up. -Alright, come on, dude. -Can I ask more questions? -Yeah, absolutely. -But -- [ Laughter ] -I'm fucking hot. -Why do you have a sling shot? -Oh, 'cause that weird ass nigga was talking about. I got to protect him. [ Laughter ] -Oh, my God. -Yeah, and it's a little bit time when this red nigga made it for me in Huntsville, Alabama. -Wow. -How long have you had a sling shot for? -I got several sling shots. -Let's go. -Yeah, we got different ones for different, you know, things. -Different occasions. -Yeah, I got like a water balloon sling shot. I got fucking, uh, the motorcycle that black people ride, called a sling shot. I got that shit, too. -What's that called again? -Let's call a sling shot. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -What do you load into that to shoot? -Fucking anything. -We have some Advil right here, Dr. Patrick. -Tick-tacks. Anybody want to get -- -Alright. -Who wants to -- who wants to Advil? -Yeah, let's -- -Oh, it's a gel tap. -We don't know if that'll work quite well. -This guy in the second row wants it. That'll be dangerous in hilarious. -Make sure you loft it up. -No, no, no, no. -She didn't think that who for sure doesn't want it. -Oh, shit. -Wow, that thing's aggressive. -Make it anywhere. -Yeah. -Shut the fuck up, dude. -Shut the fuck up. You're not on the goddamn show. -I've never seen it in a half years. There's a nigga ruined to be. I'm sick of you. Get his ass out of here. -The guy who looks like he's on 60 days in? -Yeah. -Now, actually don't want to say something else. [ Laughter ] That's something else being said. And you can dance it. Room one more on my piece. We all thought it went over there, dumbass. -Fuck your glasses. -You kind of looks like men are pulling up real quick. -I hate you. -Have you ever shot anybody with the arrow? -Absolutely. I just -- Sometimes I just sit on the roof sunset and then we just open up the window, just hitting niggas on six streets with shit. -Oh, perfect. -Trying to clean up the streets. Tony, there's some bad people out here. -You didn't have to say sunset right there, by the way. [ Laughter ] -That's where I was. -Yeah, it's the truth. -You look -- Everybody looks so fucking stupid, dude. [ Laughter ] -Why would I lie? And this is you, dude. They're gonna -- They're gonna know. -Dedrick, you are the absolute fucking man. Your set was twice as much as you had to do a brand-new, unbelievable two minutes. How about one more time for Dedrick playing everybody? -Love y'all! -That right, official.com. Get fucking tickets. He's one of the best in the world. One more time for Matt Wright, everybody. Jeremy is representing Adam Ray tonight. AdamRaycomedy.com. Jeremy's a big fan of Adam Ray. Adam is on the "Who is the Beat" tour. He's going to Vegas, North Carolina, South Carolina. He's going everywhere. AdamRaycomedy.com for tickets. This episode is brought to you by Blue Choo, Talk Space, and Shopify. The drawing from Ryan J.E. Belt is in. It is incredible. It is indeed Jeremy and Matt Wright. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, fuck yeah. That's Matt Wright. A shout out in Rappano with a mustache. [ Laughter ] That is a -- Where -- He got my mustache. -I shouldn't done Kelly. Shout out to the great Bones Eye for making these amazing joke books and so many great leather handmade goods available at Kilmerch.com, which is thriving with a bunch of great merchandise out there right now. Red Band. Check out the secret show every Thursday at the SunsetStreep ATX.com. Thank you. -All right, people, we did it. We love you. Thank you. Good night. God bless this audience. God bless the United States of America. Thank you, everybody. Bye, guys. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪