#756 - JIM NORTON + IAN FIDANCE

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Make some noise for Ryan Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land, huh? Guys, good to hear them play a little bit before the show starts. This is indeed the number one band in the world. Is there anything you're passionate about this week? Just that motherfucking vanilla ice cream today! We love it. William Lights Out Montgomery has struck again. And now we rotate over to the mystical bucket of destiny where absolutely anything can happen. This is where we meet people. This is where the crazy shit happens. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Zachariah Tourette's Tip It. Here we go. Here we go. What's good, everybody? So my name is Zachariah Tip It. I have this cool thing called Tourette's Syndrome. And tonight, y'all need to know that children are mean. I used to explain Tourette's Syndrome as sort of a superpower. And then one kid stood up and yelled, what makes you think you'd be a superhero? You can't even win a game of hide-and-seek. Then he emoted on me. So after a few Triple H moves later, I'm no longer allowed to be a motivational speaker. Now I'm a Walmart greeter. Welcome, fuck you. Thank you, everybody. Fuck yeah, 15. 50 seconds of Zachariah Tourette's Tip It to start our bucket pools tonight. Welcome to the show, Zachariah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Talk into that mic right there. I've been doing stand-up since October 2021. 2021. Have you been on the show before? I have. I think about three or four times. Okay. I somehow don't remember you. You had Tourette's then, too? Yep. Still disabled. Wow. Amazing. Do the words ever change? Yes, they do. The first time I actually ever came on, you were really excited. We talked about the time I yelled the N-word. Oh, I love that. I'm from St. Louis, so. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. I mean, I guess they have to give you the pass, right? Gold card, baby. But you've had to explain where black people were around when you did that, when you said the N-word. Does talking about saying the N-word, kind of make your Tourette's want to say the N-word right now? One letter comes after M. So, wait a minute. So, if I tell people I have Tourette's, I can watch a football game at a bar again. I got an R-word passing somewhere. Wow. So, yeah. So, were there black people around when you dropped the N-word in St. Louis? Oh, yeah. I got beat up a lot. And then one day, our principal showed us a movie, Front of the Class, which is about a teacher with Tourette's Syndrome. And then everyone went, oh, he's not racist. He's just a, you know, a little disabled. Amazing. Must be great for dating, though. If you meet a girl, do you want to fuck, go eat? You're getting it right out of the way. You'd be surprised, but moms love this. Amazing. So, give us another example of a time in which your Tourette's has caused a wild situation for you. I yelled a four-letter word my first time flying at an airport that rhymes with mom. Wait, what? Bomb. Oh, shit. So, it's kind of like, is it kind of like whatever you shouldn't say in that situation? Kind of, if you think about it, that's what you say? In a nutshell, there's a lot more to explaining, but we don't have the time for that. Right. Wow. So, if you're eating a pussy and it really smells and you yell, roses, she knows her pussy stinks. No, I just go with the ass and say, you're next. Oh, hell yeah. Yo, my man. Fuck, yeah. My man be eating that ass. Hell yeah. Fuck, fuck, lick, lick. He'll go anywhere. I love it. I love it. So, Zachariah, do you have a job? What do you do for work? How do you make money? I actually do content creating full-time. Talk, talk, YouTube, et cetera, and stream. And then I have a part-time weekend job at Chili's. Really? Which location is this Chili's? Oh, my God. There's going to be a line around the fucking block for people to go to Fuck Chili's. We'll have to find out next episode. They didn't pay me to advertise this. Okay. Okay. They will retroactively give you money. That, I swear. I swear to God that Chili's will be out of control. It's here in Austin? San Antonio. Okay. Everyone is going to go to every Chili's in San Antonio until we figure what the fuck is going on. I absolutely love this. So, obviously, you have this when you're serving customers. So, for example, let's say there's Asian customers. Is there any chance that the Asian C word comes to the front of your brain? I actually could, so I'm the reason why you have to wait 20 minutes because I flipped your food off. Oh, amazing. Oh, so you're not working front of house? No. Oh, damn. That's, I think that's what everybody wanted. That's what everybody pictured. What if we pay you extra? No offense, but I don't want you making my food either. Yeah. But now you can know that bar now. Oh my God, that's amazing. How long you been cooking at Chili's? Uh, I've been there probably about a year. Yeah, yeah, okay. So, do you get a little, do you, it's physical too, right? You get a little twitchy, you do. Yep, doing the worm. So, sometimes you literally probably do like mess up cooking and then you have to restart and stuff? Yes. Okay, what are your hobbies? What do you do for fun when you're not cooking or doing stand-up comedy? Uh, mostly, I. That's. Hell yeah, brother, my man, fuck. Yep, that makes. My man be fucking. That makes five of us. We all like the fuck. And secondly, I mostly just make content at home, like I'm usually on TikTok a lot about answering questions. You really do put the tic in TikTok. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Amazing. Respectfully. This is incredible. Word. Yeah. Do you have words that cover up other words? Like, I've heard of guys with Tourette's, like when they want to yell something, they're like, "Nichols, Nichols." And there's other replacement words that you trained yourself? So that is sort of a manipulation you can do. Mine wasn't a verbal, mine was a, so that's why you kind of see half of my face doing that instead of full. Ah. It's driving like that's a game. Ah. Yeah. Yeah. You always look like you're flirting. Yeah, winking and saying fuck can be taken. Yeah. You're in a rest area. This is incredible. That's why I wear the shirt so that's, that's smart. That is very smart. Let people know. Yeah. Let those people, humans, yes, of all colors and sizes, everyone. When you're, you were a baby, did you do like baby words like apple juice or something like that instead? No, mine didn't develop until around eight years old. Fuck. Fuck. What happened to you around that time in which this happens? You know, sat on your uncle's lap perhaps or something like that? No, tits just normally develop between five to 10 years old. Got it. Got it. Very, very interesting. And have you, is there like meetup groups? Is there a place where a bunch of people with Tourette's get together? Because I want to go. Tourette's con. I want to go real bad. Tourette's con. And just blend in. Really? Yep. Imagine fuck a hundred people doing this. Oh my God. Oh my God. And have you been to that before? I have not. It's mostly in the UK, but they just started doing it over here in Texas and Dallas. I think last year was the first one. Hundreds of you together ticking, sounding like little minions together. We congregate. Are there guys in your, even in your group who you're like, wow, this guy's a fucking asshole? Mostly the UK people have more of the verbal like sentences, like I'm going to punch you in the pussy. I'm not going to punch you in the pussy. I'm going to punch you in the dick. I'm not going to punch you in the dick. level to know so i imagine the hotel wouldn't really you know no not unless you're entertainment or billy eilish so are there like uh are there like to read do you guys like fuck with each other because it's it's i imagine like finding someone is hard so if you link up with like a hot tourette's chick that must just be like oh yeah we both drink red bulls and we're vibrators what's dating like i mean can you take us through it like um it's mostly i just just like everyone else just a little bit louder so that's what that's basically the best generic answer i can give are you like amy poehler and deuce bigelow what what what what is she like in that movie that's been 29 years so you'll have to catch the people up there what did you watch it today rob schneider come on yeah it's yeah yeah it's been a while what is her what does her character do when she uh she he takes her to a baseball game so her tourettes helps her like heckle the other team ah i got it god i can't be the only one that likes deuce bigelow hey um is she like stella in streetcar named desire uh zachariah very fun set an amazing interview here's a big joke book coming at you boom there you go zachariah tourette's tip it tourette's is in the name so if you're wondering what that means it's a joke book why eight minutes of the interview had to do with tourette's it's in his name there's the lovely heidi everybody her podcast love on the line is available at heidi regina.com and on we go ladies and gentlemen to your second bucket pool of the night make some noise for quentin jones everybody here comes quentin hey happy new year everybody um since it's a new year i decided to make uh new rules for myself my newest rule is um i decided i'm gonna stop dating women with cats yeah it's tough because i don't know if y'all knew this but women with cats are the biggest hoes out here um and it's so easy to keep a cat woman happy because she's already used to somebody in her house that doesn't love her like my ex used to have a cat and it's weird because i'm trying to be a good guy but clearly she loves abuse because like every time she would feed her cat her cat would just beat her ass i'm like god damn and i'm jealous i'm like damn i want her to cook for me so i figure if i want some food i got to keep it even with the cat i didn't hit her but um what i did do was gaslight her and knock shit over from time to time and it's not for the best reason it's not because i hate cats not because i hate cat women i'm just allergic yeah and um i don't think women respect how hard it is to have sex on benadryl oh that's my time y'all quentin jones quentin jones welcome quentin is this your first time on the show no it's my uh second time second time second time up here welcome back tell people why is it hard i don't know i've never taken benadryl is why because you get sleepy oh okay yeah so it's like you own the clock when you take that benadryl you know what i'm saying so literally one time i was with my ex and you know i took the benadryl and it just kicked in like too soon and you fell asleep on top of her no in her crotch even worse wow yeah so i woke up and uh she was gone it was just her cat looking me in the face got it amazing yeah amazing jim norton i was i'm so happy when they said your name i was like oh no questlove has aids uh damn it i had a feeling that was gonna bomb not as bad as my deuce bigelow life no but at least yours wasn't topical mine was topical was topical quinton uh how old are you 34 34 how long have you been doing stand-up i've been doing stand-up seven years seven years and how do you make money how do i make money i don't at the moment how are you surviving um so i used to work in tech last time we talked about me working in tech but since i got uh laid off so i'm just living off of savings and how much do you have saved exactly it's a question i'd love to ask on this show in fact i don't ask it enough this is the only show i think in all of entertainment where that question ever gets asked and i find it to be the most compelling goddamn question out there because everybody can relate no wonder he hates no wonder how much do you think i have tony i would guess seven thousand dollars seven thousand okay uh double it okay yeah i got about 14k saved up so 14k 14k i love it so give us an example of you know you're seven years in the comedy there's a lot of ways to you know save money and be thrifty yeah let's have a little segment called getting thrifty with clinton jones getting thrifty with clinton jones can i get a song for it how are you extending your money how do i extend my money um so uh the funniest way right now is uh i eat less oh look at that you hear this red band don't yeah so uh since being unemployed i've actually lost 50 pounds so oh very nice that's great i was wondering what happened after you left the roots yeah you know i had to do the old-fashioned way i couldn't afford ozempic no insurance anymore yeah but um yeah i know this whenever i say i like lose 50 pounds people don't clap and i know why it's because i used to be over 300 pounds and when you're over 300 pounds and lose 50 pounds it just looks like you took one good shit so wow but uh so i eat less um i walk more um so i do a lot of cardio i actually started like a fitness page where i um run like half marathons called q don't stop so if you guys want to see my fat ass run you can follow me there okay ian is there something you wanted to say there do you walk more because you can't afford a car i um i can afford the car i can't afford all the other shit that goes with the car gas and whatnot registration insurance ah the stuff that the police ask yeah yeah yeah that i definitely have these are jokes okay so you're not driving that much and what's your plan to get ahead of yourself and start making money here um you know uh how much is rent a month so my rent is uh 1100 okay that's that's low you have roommates no you live by yourself and i'm 1100 a month i do is that a studio uh one bedroom okay yeah rent in austin's going down so you know far away from downtown two miles so i walk here a lot like if i have spots i literally walk here i love it yeah okay all right so you have uh that means that you have about you know a year a year less six months until you run out of money so what's the plan what are you good at what am i good at uh i am still good at tech so uh like ai is just killing like a lot of our jobs so i'm learning how to use ai to get back into tech hopefully something happens with stand-up comedy this is my dream this is what i want to do i don't want to go back to tech um or you know my fitness page blows up and because there's a lot of people who have pages who just make money running and just working out so those are my three hopes that's what i want to have happen got it your writing is very good i like the the whole thing was linear it was like all about the same thing the writing was oh thank you i appreciate that especially from you i'm a big fan thank you yeah hell yeah so other than other than cats what's your love life like what's my love life um right now not very good i actually got more pussy when i was fat i don't understand ah interesting i don't either yeah um i was dating somebody last year until about november and i broke up just because of the distance because of the gas and um so i've just been what's your what's your type what type of thick white women are you into oh no see i'm from detroit that's the texas black guy thing and oh yeah detroit you're into real black women yeah i'm in the real black woman you know give me about five seven 150 to 190 that's that's that their credit score that you're talking about amazing amazing so your last black girl how long has it been since you had one of those wait you said my last black one yeah your last time you hooked up with a black woman uh that was the girl i broke up with okay why'd you break up with her uh like i said the distance you know and uh yeah just distance where was she at she's in dallas well i mean you could have gone up there for the uh tourette's convention yeah very yeah did you talk to the tourette's guy back there did he say anything i tried he stuttered um yeah he was biting his lip they're not used to seeing black people here he's like nigga that's what he said actually you're really funny thank you i appreciate that man um so quinton give us one more crazy fun fact about your life that we we would find interesting um that's that's always a tough one last time we talked about you being the college cheerleader and uh yeah i was here with shane gillis and you know we made we talked about that yeah um i like to play board games i'm a really big nerd oh what kind of board game so literally before i got called up we were playing settlers of katan next door oh wow yeah so um i started a board game group with some friends because it's just like there's not a lot of board game groups where i feel like i fit in so i just went and started my own that's amazing yeah and how do people find your uh find your uh fitness um so uh it's q don't stop that's my uh fitness run page on tiktok and instagram there you go quinton jones everybody fun times quinton congratulations good set fun interview Here's a big joke book. Boom. There you go. All right, we're moving forward. We're keeping it moving here. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucketful goes by the name of C.J. Kaiserman, everyone. C.J. Kaiserman. Here he is. You know what degrading it is to have a homeless man put his sign down when he sees your car pull up? Hey, you guys too, huh? Yeah, how about me on my way here? I pulled off on 5th Street, and this homeless guy just. Ooh. Maybe homeless, but they're not dumb. I rolled my window down, tried giving him money. He tried handing me a water bottle. That's how bad it is for me. Seriously. I drive a really old, beat-up 2002 Honda CR-V. It's been re-rendered probably as many times as Tony. Yeah. I'm also, like, dumb broke, though. Like, I won't even buy a Powerball ticket until it's at least at $1 billion. Like, am I gonna risk five bucks for $20 million, you know? Like, what's that really gonna do for me? Happy Black History Month, guys. For those who celebrate. Not this guy, apparently. It's okay. Still got, like, a week and a half left. Um. All right, I'll just end it there. Thank you. Okay, C.J. Kaiserman. Nothing really worked except for the thing about me. Do you do that at, like, open mics? Does that work for you out in regular public? When I'm not here? The homeless joke I start with usually does better. It does better. Why do you think the homeless jokes didn't go good here tonight for you? Not a lot of homeless people in here. That makes sense. Normally, it works in front of the other homeless people. Yeah. All right. How long you been doing stand-up, C.J.? I did it for about a year back home. I've been pretty lazy since moving here. Where's back home? Spokane, Washington. And what made you lazy when you moved to a place where comedy exists at more than one venue? I, uh. Yeah, I actually moved down here saying I'd do more comedy, and then I just haven't really been signing up for more mics. I started a business, an online business, and it sort of just took off, and I've been investing, like, all the time. Ooh, what's the business? I sell football cards online. Like, football memorabilia cards. Sort of. It's super niche. It's called breaking, if anybody's done it. Just keep explaining it. Keep explaining it. Okay, so I. Nobody knows what the fuck that is. No, nobody knows what breaking is. So, like, there's boxes of football cards, of Pokemon cards, whatever sports it is, and, uh, you know, I buy a bunch of boxes, and I sell the teams. So if somebody buys a team, like the Cowboys, the Texans, and then you just get all the cards for your team out of the boxes there. So instead of spending $400 on all the boxes, you're spending 20, 30 bucks on your team, and you just, you know, get all the autographed cards and rare cards and rookie cards for that team. Is that why you also have a haircut from 1992? Yeah. I came after. When that haircut was popular, Deuce Bigelow was in theaters. Thank you! That's a huge bitch! Amazing. So, CJ, what was it like growing up in Spokane? Not great. It's kind of moved here. It's cold up there. I got down here to avoid the snow and ice, and then we got that, like, crazy week with it. But we have one comedy club, just the Spokane Comedy Club, and you guys have actually done Kill Tony there when you were touring years and years ago. That's a long time ago. But, yeah, there's, like, you know, random bars and stuff, kind of similar to here. The scene's not great, but the comedy club's okay. Two mics a week. How long have you been in Austin? Seven months. Seven months. Yeah. And so you've just been buying boxes of cards and kind of organizing them and divvying them up and sending them off. Yeah. That's what we're going to call it, yeah. How much money do you think you're making doing that? Give me a ballpark here. A lot. Like, can you just give us a guesstimate here? What's a lot to you? You said $20 million. Couldn't possibly change anything in your life, so. That's fair. I really don't like talking about how much I make. I made. I did $72K in sales last month. What? Wow. Yeah, but what is that profit, though? Yeah, how much in your dollars? Profit's margin's about 40%, so it's, like, $25K to $30K profit. Okay. Yeah, it's, like, after. Hire Quentin. Are you kidding me? Hire the last guy. He's only got $14K to his name. Yeah. What the. I do need employees eventually, so we'll see. He'll cut down on shipping. He'll just walk for cards to somebody. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Amazing. CJ, what's your love life like? Um, nothing going on there. I've been single for a while. Have you been on any dates since you've been to Austin? Yeah, yeah, I've been on. I'm actually kind of talking to this girl right now. Where'd you meet her at? At BJ's. BJ's. It's a restaurant, guys. Yeah. Okay. It's a good sign. Yeah. Yeah, I bet. They got some Tourette's chefs over there at BJ's. That's for sure. So you met her at BJ's. You were just sitting at the bar having a drink? Uh, my friend and I went in for the pizookies. $5 pizookies on Tuesday. What? Wow. Okay. Well, Red Band's got a new Tuesday plan. So Red Band would like that one. $5 pizookies? Yeah. What the fuck? What's a pizookie? It's a pizza ice cream cookie. It's like a. Ooh, wow. You. Normally, you make those yourself. That's like you could go to a place where it's made for you. It's in a skillet, too, right? Oh, Red Band's heart is a rock right now. Okay. So you're there looking for pizookie, and you end up getting. And she. Yeah, she's just. She's our server. I was with my best friend, my roommate, Nick. And she just was coming over, and I was making her laugh a lot, cracking jokes and whatnot. What jokes were you doing there? Why don't we get some of your pizookie jokes? Give us an example of one of the jokes that got you pussy at pizookies. I wish I could remember. I mean, I think she just liked me. She was just laughing. It probably wasn't funny at all. She probably just liked me and was laughing. That's probably right. I couldn't tell you what they were. It's a shame none of those girls were in this audience tonight. Yeah. Amazing. So you won her over, and then what? You took her back to your place? No. And she's like, why are there fucking football cards everywhere? Yeah. That's cool. You live with your little brother. My room is just. It's literally packed with football cards. My roommate calls it the anti-huzz room. It's fat. I love it. But there you go. You're bringing your little piece of pizookie back there, and then what happens? Do you tell her before she gets there? Like, there's a lot of cards. Yeah. I gave her one. I said, before we go in here, it's going to look weird. But no, I got her phone number at the restaurant, and then at midnight, I texted her after we left. And then. Right after you left? Yeah. Very smooth. Yeah. Immediately. What's up? What'd you text her? I just. When I got home, I texted her, and then she was like, hey, I'm off at midnight if you want to hang out. And I was like, let's go. And we drove all the way to Bucky's, like, right after she got work. Look at that. To Bastrop? Yeah. Is that the one? I'm new here, sorry. The one that way? Yes. Yeah. It's that way. Hey, you got it right. Yeah. No doubt about it. If you just walk 30 miles that way, you're going to land straight on Bucky's doorstep. Yeah. Okay. Okay. I love that for a first date. You could learn a lot about somebody. Can you take us through what the first date at Bucky's was like? She told me she's a biter, which. What? That's interesting. She hasn't bit me yet. I don't know if that's a good sign or a bad sign. It means your dick's not big enough. She told you she was a biter? You're just walking around Bucky's and she drops that out of nowhere? No, this is in the car. This is in the car. On the way to Bucky's. She told me, like, she gets. She's over-stimulated and will, like, bite people. She's, like, gave. Like, she gave me a warning. She's like, yeah, if I get too over-stimulated and excited, I might bite you. And I was like. How old is she? Yeah. 14. No. She. 22. 22. How old are you? I'm 23. Okay. Yeah. So you get to Bucky's, then what happens? Did you buy something? What'd you buy at Bucky's? I tried putting her on the fudge. You guys like Bucky's fudge? I don't know why you keep asking them. Just focus on the answers to the questions. Yes? Red Band likes fudge. Keep going. I, yeah, tried putting her on Bucky's fudge. She did not want it. And we ended up getting just some random snacks. She's black, and so. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! And you're like, you must like the fudge. Oh, so she's a biter. Wow. This is amazing. I wouldn't have guessed that the girl you went for was a black girl. What does that mean? Is it the haircut? Well, you're from Spokane, where normally black people are, uh. You just put a cross on fire in their front yard. What? Spokane is a KKK hub. I know. I visit there every year. That's Idaho. That's Idaho, yeah. Okay. So, uh, you take her to Bucky's. You offer her the fudge. You just got some snacks. And then what? You take her back to your place? No, I just dropped her off, and that was it. Okay. Yeah. At her house? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Get the fuck out of the car. Have you hooked up with her since then? No, no. We're taking things slowly, no. You didn't fuck a girl that let you take her to Bucky's on the first date? No, dude, we both love Jesus. She hit you up after work, and you just took her to a big-ass gas station, and then dropped her off at home? He really is from Spokane. Wow. - So it just fizzled out, just like you're saying. set yeah just no real closing or anything well that's my time thank you now tony that was way more interesting than it said did she say anything it took at the end of this date when you dropped her off was there any like last words not besides the biting thing no when was this this was uh november are we still we hung out today guys what did you do today we went to uh a chevron amazing cj fun times you are leaving here with a medium black joke book c j kaiserman everybody some real characters so far let's keep it moving along see what happens next your next bucket poll goes by the name of matt banwart matt banwart everybody here he is i uh i got two degrees in four years in college brag i was always bad at school what i realized is instead of uh in order to take advanced classes you had to take arts appreciation a global perspective in a social diversity course and i realized there's a glitch in the scheduling software by chance dancer so i thought about it and i was like man i could take feminism one two and three or i could study how to be great at parties my friends hate it they're like matt you're cheating your education i was like yeah that's the point i'm the one paying for it i remember one day i walk in my roommate he's like sitting on his desk he's furious he's like typing he's like uh i have to attend page paper right now on fragile masculinity and i was like oh boohoo he was like no dude you know what fragile masculinity means he's like i have to do a ten-page paper right now he's like no dude you know what fragile masculinity is that's when men are too afraid to be seen as a feminist they put themselves through trials and tribulations arbitrarily living lives of silent suffering i was like damn that's tough uh this is the mashed potato this is what i've been doing all month i'm not even good at it all right that was my minute okay matt banwart doing a little lightning fast poetry about his college years that was fun okay fun for you audible booze just what i was hoping for all right matt here we are in the interview portion now took a lone walk wasn't worth it what took a lone walk oh during your set yeah got it do one big one not worth it all right matt i'll we'll talk about that in just a second so let's get into it matt um first of all you guys have anything you want to say right off the gut no just you it's very funny it's very funny it's very funny it's very funny fair checking with jim norton you seem a little nervous that like it happens sometimes but you you know i get no i have i have hand tremors it's a medical condition both of us wow so you didn't even give a what was going on up here you're just always shaky like that i'm always yeah i shake all the time should have come out with hot coffee that would have been hilarious they wouldn't let me bring the water on stage it was a hazard amazing i didn't notice the hand i thought the set was shaky without it so matt let's talk about it how long you been doing stand-up 10 years shut the up dude i for the first time ever i'm going to say as an answer to that question i don't believe you where have you been doing it for 10 years can i just say real quick d madness made such a noise i thought he could suddenly see audibly gas he he gets loud d madness does not like a lack of punch lines he loves his role on this show he loves his job he feels i've been hanging out with d madness after the shows like for the first like 20 minutes if mitzi's right as soon as we're done and i've learned especially recently more than ever this guy literally is more in touch than anybody like at all times it's kind of wild i'm not surprised but it is so interesting and so a fun fact my point is that during the show what you guys can't hear or sometimes see is d madness scoffs relentlessly when someone's not great underneath his breath but we can hear it but it's not loud enough for it to go to the mic he said 10 years deep madness went oh lol very fair it's a constant it's like our own little background soundtrack not even mad we used to have d have his own mic but it's like a little bit too much sometimes when i'm trying to dig someone out of an interview or something like that but but it's it's our we've we've learned that it's our own fun thing to have back there d madness how about a hand for d madness everybody the backbone the absolute backbone which brings us back to matt banwar 10 years where were you doing this these 10 years at uh first three and a half were in iowa and then chicago and now here how long ago did you move here two almost a little over two years ago a little over two years and you've been working at mike's and stuff you go up a lot you perform a lot yeah i travel i do my city shows yeah do you have like a best joke you've ever written in 10 years that you could do for us like a short little banger there must be something 10. yeah i can i can do something uh here he is doing something other than whatever the that was just doing one joke for us ladies and gentlemen matt banward give him give him a hand everybody 10 years uh i don't know if i gotta try i don't trust guys who climb rocks uh because they because they call it a climbing gym that's not a gym a gym is where people go to be hot you know no girls have been like oh what's my dream man string bean body massive wrists no one's ever fantasized about girthy digits you know what we'll just end it there this isn't going well okay so matt let's read the room let's i've lost all inertia jim norton i mean it's a rough goal like i i know that's very fair i understand like after a bad set it's it's car because the audience loses a little bit of faith it's common for all of us so then you do another joke and they're like oh this is not going to be good in that case they were right but i know i know i empathize with you and we've all been there just not for this long in a row matt maybe there's something more that i can dig out of you know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know maybe there's something more that i can dig out of you know i don't know i don't know maybe there's something more that i can dig out of you know i don't know maybe there's something more that i can dig out of you know i don't know maybe there's something more that i can dig out of you about your real life here so let's go over it how do you make money matt you're not gonna like this uh-oh i do stand up you make a living doing stand-up it's hard to believe but yes okay so like where where do you do this at how do i just play the worst cities uh i just did a run i just did tulsa wichita rogers arkansas so let's let's take a one at a time just because i'm curious because i've done this right i started headlining shows about whatever 15 years ago or whatever so i was in tulsa and i know that it's hard to sell tickets if no one knows who you are so how do you sell tickets at tulsa you doing a comedy club yeah i do i do a lot of small rooms a lot of like breweries stuff but what i do is i make i make videos for every city i go to study like top spots to rip sigs in tulsa or like like it's like parody reviews so you get there and then you make a video while you're there no i do it before i do a lot of research at a time i'll do like top spots to take a drunk piss and people kind of find them relatable and usually i get the videos right and then people are like hey we should go see this guy live and the shows usually go better than this right um and there's like ballpark how many people in these small rooms i'm doing just like 50 to 70 seaters right now and what are you selling tickets for what like what do you mean how much do you sell tickets for 20 a piece 20 a piece that's pretty standard yeah pretty standard for someone that i mean is a professional that can sell tickets yeah yeah okay um and the club takes a cut of that right uh yeah right so what do you think you walked out of tulsa with come on i mean you must admit it's an interesting question i shouldn't have talked about college because now i'm just doing an accounting class up here and that's you can just give us a ballpark 500 bucks uh yeah but that's i do it between like four shows though so i do like a full run okay so but you did one of the shows that you did one of the shows that you did two or one in tulsa or four in tulsa i just did one in tulsa okay so then this is you have to drive to the next city right yeah okay oh you were looking inside of his soul this is interesting i think for the people to hear no we did that last time it's okay this is every conversation you've done this before you were on the show before yeah it did way better last time oh okay i mean the ceiling's pretty low right now let's be real here the ceiling's the same height as it was last time um okay so uh matt what's something interesting about your life that we don't know about you before i let you go um i talked about college i was a sorority president in college all right yeah how do you get that job uh i was the president of the stand-up comedy club and you're registered as a sorority and they never they never corrected it was never checked and the best part was our initials stand-up comedy club s-u-c-c we were suck house you still are that's fair did you get a little joke book last time you were on no i got a big job you got a big one well guess what buddy you're going the wrong direction there goes matt banward everybody let's get one more bucket full up here this looks like a new name make some noise for orhan lamore everybody Here comes Zoran. Oh, yeah. How are you guys? It was very fun watching what you guys did to that guy over there. Because he's more successful than me. I'm like, I've never fucking done comedy. I never felt more like I wasted nine years of my life than right now. Okay, they're laughing. Like, I shat myself. It just went inside back in there. I can actually do stuff. I'm from Turkey. It's not a happy place. You know, the state motto is, if you're happy and you know it, give it back. It doesn't look good. But I was there for two years. Like, I lived in L.A. for a long time. Then I moved back there. And then I came back here. And, like, in this time, I realized how to make America great again, actually. What you do is you go live in Turkey for two years. And then you come back, and it's fucking spectacular again. Stop it, dude. This is going to fucking go to my head now. Now it's the opposite. Now I think, oh, my God, I will quit at the top. I don't want to do comedy again. It's never going to be this. It's good. Yeah. Yeah, meow or whatever. There it is. Yeah, you got it. You got it. The laughter was so loud, you missed the meow. I held off the bear because I wanted to see where you were going with it. Very funny. Orhan Limmer? Am I saying that right? Timur. Okay. Talking to the mic there. I don't know how it works in Turkey, but there you go. Voice, voice only. Orhan, that was an unbelievably great set. Just acknowledging the temperature of the room, having common sense like a 10-year veteran would have. How long have you been doing stand-up, Orhan? Nine years. Really? Oh, amazing. I thought you were doing a joke about how you've been doing it one year and then nine years, da-da-da-da, but okay. That makes sense, too. Nine years. Very funny. Thank you. I appreciate it. How much of that's in America? So, like, seven of it is America. Amazing. Two in Turkey. Where did you go when you first arrived to America? Orange County, but, like, Los Angeles. Like, you know, your city, like, where you go, like, where I started comedy. That's my, that's, I always say L.A. because, you know, it's where I started, you know. Perfect. What made you pick L.A.? I mean, I was already in Orange County. You could move there with a U-Haul. Got it. Yeah. What made you pick Orange County as a landing spot? I studied film, unfortunately, which. That makes sense. It does not at all for money reasons, but, yeah, I went there and then, you know, I got sick of L.A. Yeah. So, yeah. What is the scene in Turkey like for stand-up? Can I ask? Great question. Oh, it's, you do it in English and in Turkish, but the thing is, like, in English, you can talk about the government, which is nice, because they don't fucking get it. Ah. You can, yeah. But Turkish, I have this special that I shot, and I haven't edited it yet, because if I put it up, I'll probably never go back again. Right. So, there's that little thing. So, tell us, what is it like over in Turkey? Like, what are some of the day-to-day things that make it, you know, dangerous and not fun? I mean, like, I had this joke about, like, compared to Halloween, like, instead of Halloween, like, trick-or-treat, they play this game called money or stab the children. I'm seriously, I'm seriously afraid of children here, because sometimes I'll see children here with bats, and they're just trying to get better. They're at sports, but I'm like, I always think they're coming for me, because the thing is, like, when there's big dudes, and you, like, hurt them, people will, like, you know, people will be like, ah, I was trying to hurt you, so you hurt them back, it's fine. But, like, when you hurt kids, and you go to prison, they're like, ah, this guy killed a kid. So, there's that fear. None of these are my real life. These are psychological. That's amazing. I think you're super likable. Yeah. You already hear your voice already. I love you. Your demeanor, it's so funny. Oh, thank you. And you just said when you kill kids, and people are like, yeah, he's right, this guy. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, anything you say, I'm like, speak. You need an accent to kill kids, otherwise, like, people are like, ah. Speak more, young Turkish. I like it. How old are you, Orhan? I'm 33 years old. 33, and did you serve in the Turkish military at 18? No, I, because you can't get out of it. How did you get out of it? So, there's two ways to get out of it. One, you have to be gay and prove it. Oh. Hell yeah. Here's the thing, like, also, here's what people don't know. That's why I never joined the military. No, no, I don't know. Let the room laugh for a second. That's not how it is. No, no, no, I am straight. No, no, no, here's what I would. Shut up! You don't know me. But, here's the thing. You don't know me. You don't, like, I'm the only straight person here, probably. Okay, listen. So, if you're gay, and you have to send them tape, because they want proof. They actually do. This is true. I'm not making this up. I'm not a screener. Wow. But, blowjobs don't count, which some people send blowjob videos and still went. So, the other way, the other way is you have to work in America for three years. That's what I did. I did shitty jobs. So, one way of getting out of the military is sending a video of a man absolutely butt-fucking you. And the other option is going to the greatest country on planet Earth. And making money and working for three years? Because they figure, like, corporate America also makes your asshole yay big. Unbelievable. We've looked it up. What he's saying is definitely true. Yeah. Oh, my God. Military service from the BBC News 2012. Military service is mandatory for all Turkish men. They can only escape if they are ill, disabled, or homosexual. But proving homosexuality is a humiliating ordeal. So, if you send a video of you sucking another dude's dick, they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. People don't know that it's in the fine print and people don't read it. People are like, this is gay enough, definitely. Do they throw it out? And also, they archive it. So, there's a bunch of reluctant, like, blowjob videos that didn't even do any army good. Where do you see them? Dude, you guys are laughing, but I'm going to get in trouble for this. This is incredible. The same video that will get you out of Turkish military is the same video that will get you into Jim Norton's green room. I love comedy, you know, so. The guy who volunteers to watch the video in the army. Is there a guy who's like, I'll make sure they're gay. I mean, the amount of videos is probably a team, you know. They zoom in real quick. They hear you going, but, you know, you could serve. Because people don't want to go to the army, you know, because they, you know, make you get up early. Yeah. So, I guess. Wow. This is incredible, Orhan. So, how long have you lived in Austin, Texas? It's my sixth month here. Oh, wow. Yeah, I just moved here because I, I don't know, actually, like, people said I should and I did. And then people have. But, like, people said, hey, there's, like, comedy there. People like you there. I said, okay. And there's been good shows. And, like, I'm telling you, like, I, like, this minute thing really made me nervous because I'm not a very one-minute guy. So, like, I really appreciate you guys because I was really, I can't, I can't. It's very hard for me. Yeah. You absolutely dominated, Orhan. I want to talk to you for a little bit longer, even though this interview is going very long. But I find you. So interesting. So, now that you live here, how do you make money, Orhan? I work for a luxury car brand, but, like, only part-time. And they give me time off when I go to other cities. A luxury car brand. It's Mercedes, whatever else. Oh, okay. You've been so nice. Fuck it. I love it. Absolutely. Have you ever tried to get out of work the same way you tried to get out of the army? No, no, no. I just, I just do a good job. They let me go to different cities to do comedy. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. What else about your life, Orhan? Tell us more about you. Honestly, I'm, like, a little bit good at everything, but not really that good at anything. Hopefully, besides this, but, you know, you decide. But, like, I play piano, but not well, you know. I don't know. Like, just, like, I'm learning to carve wood. You're carving wood? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. What are you making out of wood? It's an abstract piece. I don't know. Like, it's about expression more than the last job. The wood is carving me, in a way. Jesus Christ. Yeah! Fuck, Orhan. I can't handle this much love. Sorry, I don't know if I should wave at you or something. You're doing a hell of a job, Orhan. You're doing an absolutely unbelievable job. What's your love life like? Well, I've had my share of girlfriends. They're all girls. Don't look at me. But like, so in Turkey I was making a living doing this. So I had like more free time. Now I don't really have free time. I had a girlfriend until a few months ago, but she wanted to meet at nights. I wanted to do more comedy because I am a little bit obsessed with this thing. So like, I'm single till you know, I can do this. And nothing else. I mean, that's a boring answer. No, it's good. It's to be prioritized doing stand-up over anything. It's because, you know, I don't know. I just, I love this thing. To disgusting levels. Like, the amount of job opportunities I've given up to do. A few. Extra marks when I started and stuff. Like, just, yeah. I can only imagine. You must have been a doctor in the old country and then come here. I mean, like, at best it was $40,000 a year. Let's be real. No, I'm not hireable. By people who actually do stuff where people might die. You know? That makes sense. Have you ever saved anybody's life or had a near-death experience or anything like that? I mean, people have been suicidal and I you know, shook them. Very good. Does that? He's talking about the last guy when he walked off stage. And by shook them, they were on a ledge. He produced the show. He didn't put me on. I might actually talk him into the ledge, but we'll see. Orhan, you are so funny. You are exactly what this show is built for. Somebody that's been doing it nine years and you left L.A. and you moved to Austin and I just find you so incredible. The sacrifices that you've made and you're just so funny and I can't wait to see more material from you. So, Orhan, you are the newest golden ticket winner here on Coach Honey. Congratulations, my friend. There you go, buddy. Bing bong. Hey, up here, Orhan. Boom. There you go. And I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday, if you want. You did it, Orhan. You did it, buddy. I'm going to need you to send the video that you sent the Turkish military, though. I have to do some research. Make sure you're a real golden ticket winner. How about one more time for Orhan, everybody? That's what happens here. Dreams can come true. And they did for your next comedian, who was just about to move back to Atlanta when he got pulled out of the bucket here on Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the great regulars of the show's history, the Dark Storm of Atlanta. Make some noise for Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Yeah. Sir, what do you know about buying $200 worth of pregnancy tests so you can pee on them, sir? Because you know you can't get pregnant. You just really need the good news right now. Sir, what do you know about pretending to be gay with your best friend so y'all can go to couples therapy because it's cheaper that way? Sir, what do you know about having a spider that live in your room and this nigga is not your pet? This nigga. He's not your pet, but you can't kill the spider because you got a white girlfriend and she like the spiders keep out the bugs and it's in the injury point. So then you chat GPT what kind of spider it is only to find out it's a black widow. Nigga, I can't kill a black mom. I have one of those. And my dad dead. This spider is my mom. I was on mushrooms when I figured it out. But I treat her like a black mom. We go to church every Sunday. We don't go into the church. They won't let you in with the spider on your hand. They think you the devil. So I just we just I just go where her windowsill and we play Kirk Franklin and then she put what she want to read in the Bible in her web like Charlotte's Web. You know, I'm talking about Charlotte's Web. What's the what's the pig's name from the book? Wilbur. This nigga can't read. This nigga can't read and he's a liar. He just wanted to fit in. You're a liar. That's my time. Dedrick's friend. And he's done it again. And that, my friends, is the difference between a regular and a bucket pool and everything in between. Dedrick, absolutely incredible. Loud laughs all the way throughout. Amazing stuff. You've peed on pregnancy tests. Get that good news on you when you get the boy, you know what it feels like to not be pregnant. That's it. But don't get the Dollar Tree was because a nigga was nervous. I didn't know who the mama could be. I'm a hoe. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Incredible. Dedrick, how's life been going? Tell us about it. I'm touring so much. I'm touring so much. Going all over the country is so much fun. I do hate getting on planes. I think y'all know that. But every city I've been to, I've been selling a lot of tickets. There's a lot of good fans. I do want to say happy Black History Month to the seven black people that watch Kill Tony. I've had at least one at every show. Yup. Yup. We got the good ones, though. Yeah. Yeah. A little fun fact. Drake watches every episode with his crew in Toronto. He makes them all shut up and they sit around a big screen TV. Man, I love Drake. There you go. That's how you do it. We love Drake, too. Yeah. I love it. You're very creative. I love the spider bit. That was really funny, man. Like, you're a very interesting guy. You got an interesting brain. Very fun. Thank you so much. I'm a big fan of you. I love you so much. Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Do you have something nice to say, too? If you don't have anything nice to say, I already know you put your mic down. But you still hurt my feelings, right? I was going to piggyback off of Jim, but the way he was sucking his cock, I was like, "What, are you trying to get out of the army?" I still can't believe that. That might be one of the craziest fun facts. You have to send a video of you butt-fucking. In fact, it's real. For some guy that's the head of the Turkish army who's definitely jerking off to these videos. It's even better if it's not true and a bunch of guys are blowing their friends and still going to serve. People think America's bad. Turkey, you have to either butt-fuck or fight another place that has better weapons than Turkey does. I feel like I would be gay instead of going to the army, though. I think I would just be gay for one video just to get out. I've seen you fight for Turkey the food. Give me that, I want that, please. Give me that, please. You got to do an AI video of you deep throwing the turkey, son. Yeah, that'll be on next week's video. Dedrick, anything else crazy going on in life? How's everything? Man. It's fucking. I don't know how to explain it. It's just fucking incredible. I finally. I don't know. I'm starting to feel like what the first couple months were. I'm starting to get real comfortable being up here instead of being extra nervous, because it is hard to come out here. I'm not just saying that because my friend bombed a couple people ago, but it's. Which one was that? Matt Bartwik. Oh. He does run some great shows over there. I did his club up there in Des Moines, Iowa. Oh, okay. Well, I don't think he likes me anymore. I don't think he likes me anymore. He had a real. I'll talk to him. Okay. Good. Thank you. I want to be able to do Des Moines again. Also, thank you for this sweet-ass jacket. Of course. I just wanted to say thank you. This is fucking player as hell, man. Yeah. They were supposed to come over the holidays. The whole crew got new jackets from our amazing team here. It took a while. Somebody put tariffs in place here in America. And they took a while. And now they arrived just in time for Texas to be 95 years old. Oh, my God. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Oh, my God. Wow. Wow. Wow. degrees ago. Perfect. I'm sweating like a motherfucker. Boy, do I look good. I love it. Dedrick, you are the fucking man. We love you. You gotta see him on the road. Dedrick Flynn, follow him. See him when he comes to your city. Absolutely amazing. We know this next young buck, he is one of the door guys here at the Mothership. We love it when people from Sunset sign up, people from the Mothership sign up. These guys all are in a big rotation here in Austin doing spots. Hopefully with their experience, they're doing their better minutes here. So let's see what happens. Make some noise for the young buck, Nicholas Sepaglia, everybody. Very funny young man. I was at the bar the other day, just getting a drink, and this big group of ladies came in. It was a bachelorette party. It was a big group of ladies. It was like a gaggle of bitches. There's so many. And I'm just sitting there minding my own business at the bar having a drink. One of them comes over and orders a drink and then looks at me and goes, you should shave your face. You look like a rapist. And I just yelled at her. I said, yeah, you look like a victim. Got her. Got her. Got her ass. She didn't like that very much and she chimed back. She's like, that's not funny. And I'm like, shut up, bitch. Yes, it is. But don't worry. I'm not into fat chicks. And she was clearly anorexic. So, got her again. Yeah, we'll leave it at that. Yep, absolutely great. Nicholas Sapaglia back again. Welcome, welcome, welcome back. How's it going? Fantastic. New glasses. You do kind of look like a rapist. Kind of, yeah. Hell yeah. I like it. Very good. Welcome, welcome. What do you guys think about Nicholas, Jim? I'm glad I shaved. Very funny. Good joke writing. Yeah, really great. And I like the instinct of closing on the laugh. Like the fucking meow. Yeah. He's like, fuck this. I'm done. I like that. It's a good instinct. Thank you. You're welcome. Yep. Got out on top. What's going on, Nicholas? Tell us about it. You work here at the mothership. I work here. I recently became a father. About a little while ago. So I'm just doing daddy daycare during the day and stand up at night. The wife is working full time. I'm raising the baby right. Tell us about that. I'm pretty sure we are all fatherless people. I mean, we're not fathers. We're childless. Yes, childless. We have fathers. And we're probably also fatherless. We're all just cum from a test tube. Well, I mean, it's cliche to say, but they always say you're never ready. You don't know what to expect, which is. Just the cliche thing that is true, but it was a little different in our situation because when our baby was born, we had a little baby girl, wanted a funny one, but we got a girl. But I'm kidding. She's. I'm kidding. But we named her Shirley, and when Shirley was born, we discovered that she had a little bowel obstruction in her intestines and they had to do emergency surgery and remove about 17 centimeters of her intestines. And then they gave her like an iliostomy bag. And we lived at the NICU at the hospital for like the first five months of her life. So it was really kind of traumatic and upsetting. And my wife is really upset that I nicknamed her Shitbag Shirley. She didn't like that at all. She didn't like that. I said it one time, but every holiday since, it always comes up and I'm like, SBS is never going to remember any of this. I like how you have dark jokes that are like, oh my God, and they're really fucking funny. Oh, thanks. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of my sense of humor. It's kind of my style. Dark and. Jesus, Shitbag. Come out of nowhere. It's your daughter. Your humor is darker than the contents of your daughter's shitbag. That's true, yeah. They call it output, but I know shit when I smell it. It collects shit. It's definitely shit. Yeah, it was a crazy experience, though. I've had to do a bunch of. I have to start taking care of myself a little bit better now. I got a checkup recently, which I hadn't done in quite some time. But, you know, as guys, we go to the appointment once a year, you know, get a little turn your head and cough, and you think that's it. But this year, I went, and they were like, all right, we're going to tickle your balls, and that was fine. It felt great. I was turning my head. I was coughing, you know, as you do. I asked the guy, I was like, why do I have to turn my head when I cough? And he goes, I don't want you coughing in my face. And I was like, oh, fair point. Ah. You don't know unless you ask, so. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. And then he finishes, and I start pulling on my pants, and he goes, oh, wait, we're going to check your prostate. And I said, no, thank you. I just didn't want to do that. But they forced it upon me. And all of a sudden, I'm just in position, you know, hands down, pants down. And he's behind me, lubing up like P. Diddy at a freak off. And he goes, don't be alarmed. You're going to feel like a small pinch. And that's when I looked back at him and said, why do I feel both your hands on my shoulders? And he didn't like that at all. Yeah. He didn't like that joke at all. Awesome. He kicked me right out of the dentist's office, so. Hell yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Other than that, life's been pretty good. I mean, that was kind of a struggle. Yeah. I love it, Nicholas. You're doing a hell of a job. You're crushing here at the Mothership. You're getting spots. You just performed in front of millions of people here on the show and did great. Congratulations. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday, if you care. Secret Show. Here's a big joke book. Boom. Nicholas Zapiglia, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. All right. And back to the bucket we go. Here we go. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. It is Kirstie Hayden, everybody. Kirstie Hayden. Yeah. I don't know if y'all can tell by looking at me, but I don't have a house. I don't. I am actually living through this app. I found where I find strangers who choose me to stay at their place, water their plants, take care of their pets. It's called Hinge. No, but I do go from house to house, and it usually goes pretty well. But one time I was taking care of this cat, and when I came home, I discovered that the cat had gotten into my dirty laundry, and I was like, oh, my God. And chewed up only my underwear. So, weird way to find out you have a yeast infection. You can take the puss out of the panties, but you can't take the panties out of the puss. That's it. Okay. Hi, Kirstie. Welcome. Hi. Hello. Is this your first time on the show? Yes. Welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? Eight years. Okay. Where at? I started in Dallas. Okay. You still live in Dallas? No, I live here now. How long have you lived here? Like a year and four months. Okay. Good answer. Very exact. I do pet sitting. I'm also, I clean and organize people's houses. I sell clothes on Depop. That's it. All right. Okay. How old are you? I'm 30. 30. Okay. So, you started at 22. Yes. How's it going for you? Good? Pretty good. Yeah. You perform a lot? I do. Are you a little tipsy or on drugs of some kind right now? 100% sober. Really? Yeah. This is just you? Yeah. This is just me. I'm not even on Zoloft anymore. I'm off all of it. Okay. Were your parents really stoned and on drugs when they had you? Yes. Okay. All right. That doesn't really. You look like you should be disrupting an ice raid. Yeah. It's true. What ethnicity are you? I'm Sicilian. Really? Okay. All right. 100%? Your parents are both Sicilian? Yeah. Sicilian? Like 80%. My dad's dad is like Irish, so that's why my last name's Hayden. Got it. Got it. All right. What do you do for fun, Kirstie? For fun? I usually will, you know, I like to do. How long have you been off the Zoloft for? One month. Yeah. There we go. I had a feeling. Yeah. So your body's adjusting. Yeah. The brain zaps have finally stopped. The brains what? The brain zaps. Okay. None of you take Zoloft. That's cool. The brain zaps. Can you take us through what that means? It's where you get really lightheaded and you feel kind of. It's uncomfortable, but I kind of like it. Because it makes you feel kind of like messed up, but it's like a lightheadedness. And then. For a second, you're like, ah, ah, and then you're like, oh, yeah. There's other ways to get that. So what made you get off the Zoloft? My health insurance changed. Ah. So I thought it was easier to just quit the pills than to be put on hold. Did you wean off? Did you talk to a doctor at all? You just kind of just cold turkey'd it? I cold turkey'd it. Cold turkey'd it. I had to do that, but I think I got through it just fine. Dude, I. So Kirstie used to be. She used to wait tables at the Dallas Improv, Addison Improv. And every time I'd headline there, I'd give her a guess at it. And she always crushed it, every show. She's very funny. And this interview is great. You're like a female. You look like female Mitch Hedberg. -Bitch Hedberg? -Bitch Hedberg. Bitch gives Hedberg to stay at someone's house. Y'all already have a Mitch impersonator, though, so. That is true. We have a guy that looks and sounds exactly like him. What were you using Zoloft for? Like, depression, anxiety? Well, I mean, that's what it treats, Red Band. That's usually why people take it, yeah. I mean, what do you think? It's a fucking weight loss drug? It's for, like, PTSD, anxiety, depression. I mean, you know, there's a few different reasons for it. It was for depression, yeah. But, honestly, I would get depressed while I was on it, so I was like, well, what's the point? I might as well just deal with raw doggit. Right, so how's the past month been? What's going on with it? Is it a day-to-day thing? Have there been highs and lows? I think I learned good coping on Zoloft. So it's actually been fine without it. I don't really feel any different, because I was on it for three years. And it's not like you're fucked up on it. Like, you remember what you learned on it. So, yeah, I think I just learned how to be normal. Well, I wouldn't say that. But I feel pretty much the same. Does it fuck up sex drive? I've always been scared of stuff like that. It does. It would take, like, an hour to come. So every woman I've ever been with. Yeah. A lot of Zoloft. So, how has, do you have a boyfriend? No. So have you been on dates or anything since being off Zoloft? Or are you just like, you know that the sexual thing is better because you're pleasing yourself? Well, Stan, it's hard to date when you do comedy, because you're just out every night. And I don't really do dating apps, because I don't really, like, care. Right. You know, so, no, I don't really go on dates. Okay. Very often. So, no, I don't know. I don't do that. Okay. Right now. All right. Yeah. Okay, Kirstie, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? I do a little bit of yoga. I like playing pool. I do, I like singing sometimes. And I take showers. Oh, amazing. That is a rarity among Austin commons. You're pretty unique. What song do you sing at karaoke? I like to do some Shania. I also, I sing Korn pretty good. Hell yeah. All right. Okay, Kirstie. Very fun. All right. All right. Let me ask you one more question about the Zoloft here. I've heard that when you stop antidepressants, cold turkey, that you get suicidal tendencies. Did you have a low moment at all when you got off them? Surprisingly, no. Most of the low moments were before I got on it. And then, like, during even, there were low moments. But I think because I expected there to be so many low moments, I just didn't. It wasn't that bad. So, no, I'm. And believe. But. That's Stephen Brody Stevens who killed himself. Enjoy it. There you go. Was he on Zoloft? It doesn't make sense. It's a bad timing thing. But I work with Brian Redband, so you can't control it. When I'm looking over here, he gets to do whatever he wants. I'm in a good head space. Perfect. I think that I'm going to kill myself. Maybe tonight. No, don't. No, don't. I can't have that kind of fucking press. For a goddamn joke. I can't have that kind of press. And don't write a suicide note in it. Yeah. No, you got it. You're leaving here with a big joke book. Fun times, Kirstie Hayden. There you go. Boom. All right. There goes Kirstie, everybody. Yeah, let's do that. You saw Orhan Timur get a golden ticket here tonight. And you may have seen this next young lady get a golden ticket if you watched. "Kill Tony: Once Upon a Time in Texas" on Netflix. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long-awaited return of the great Young, everybody. Young is back, everyone, with a brand-new minute. Hello. Hello. You know, as I'm learning more about this country in English, I realize everything's better when it's white. For example, a normal person just lives in the house. But the most powerful person lives in the White House? White-collar jobs are better than blue-collar jobs. They're more intellectual and pay more. White lives are better than other lives because they come from good intentions? That would be some sort of white. Even Diddy knows white is better. Diddy used to host white parties in Hollywood. Best parties you can ever find. Tony, we're white in that party, right? They got A-list celebrities, unlimited baby oil. And guess what? When he's arrested, not white enough to get pardoned by the White House. Thank you. That's my minute. Young! That set was all white. Yeah, very white. I love it. Stuck with one premise there. I love it. Very good. Smart. Adorable, as always. Very likable. Young. Welcome back. How's life going for you? It's been good. Yeah. I scheduled some shows around a few states and just doing spots in Austin. Where are you going around America? Next week I'm in Florida, but it won't be air. But I have a show in Austin March 21st and a show in San Antonio March, no, April 11th, I think. April 11th. Amazing. San Antonio. You can drive to it. Can you drive? I told you I drive Uber before. I was five star driver. Yeah. Yeah. I was. Amazing. I did 5,000 trips. Really? Yeah. Oh my God. High ratings. Really good driver. That's crazy. I find that impossible to believe. Jim? I think, George, you said I thought it was very funny. You had me at. You know, white. I was like. But no, very good, the good writing, and yeah, I enjoyed you very much. Thank you. You. You keep looking like you're waiting for me to say something shitty. No, I enjoy it. They love when I shit on the panels. I can't control it. I just look at you, I thought you look like someone from the alien movies, you know? The human incubators would come out bald and wrinkly. Are you going to let. Yeah. Do I now? You see it? You see it? Are you going to let Soon-Yi talk to you that way? Yes, I am. One more? Tell me how I'm not good enough. Tell me how small it is. White is good, but not there, right? Tell me about it. Wow. Young has this incredible roast. You know what? Yeah. Yeah. You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? What? What? What? incredible roast delivery that i find so interesting she does it with a smile she like looks right at you she told red band that he looked like a kidney don't work so many people after uh saying they saw the netflix thing bring that up when the asian girl told red band that he looks like his kidneys don't work like it's like it doesn't have to necessarily be like some crazy written like math problem it's some the brutal honesty with you the way you smile at somebody yeah yeah i wasn't trying to roast him i just thought he looks very pale see what i mean you see like it's an adorable delivery yeah but that means she really thinks i look like some fucking alien what do you think about ian ian's a good looking guy right he looks so jew oh , that's all in texas that's the worst insults an alien i find it interesting he got all those like fake jewelries on his knuckles like trying to be a rapper thank you i'll take a number 35 a 47 and a 16 are you drew though you are a little bit what are you not drew oh my god i love she doesn't even say a she just goes are you jew ah yeah that was very 1945 i do since when did the japanese not like jews huh oh you're chinese i got in trouble for this before getting these things backwards you guys are totally different two totally different people to us. Yeah, we don't nuclear people. You do. We do? Yeah. We do bomb people? You don't. Chinese don't. Somehow you guys don't. Yeah, we like to build trains, though. Yes, you do. We build trains for you. That's right, sushi trains. That's Japan. I feel like she's a racist little doll and we're just pulling her string. More phrases are coming out. Are you Jew? Are you Jew? I'm not Jewish, by the way. I love Jews, yeah. Thank you. How do you feel about aliens? Jim is going to come. I'm going to give you a hug afterwards, sorry. Thank you. You look hurt. Along with these roast jokes, I've realized that Young is so likable that she can get away with things that most people can't. Everyone, including, I've noticed, liberal people, like my 80-plus-year-old mother, she mentioned how amazing she thought you were and she loved your Trump impression and she hates Trump. Oh. So I think you have this amazing ability to win people over. What's your least favorite race? Um. If you were. If you were joking, what would your least favorite race be? And what would your best impersonation of them be? Yeah. Uh. You're really putting me on the spot, Tony. You're trying to make people hate me now, dude. Blacks. Mexicans. Uh. Japanese. Ooh. Now, as a Chinese girl, tell us, what is it that you don't like about the Japanese? Oh, we fight a lot. You know, we fight a lot. We kill each other all the time. Yeah. But why? Why is that? What is it? Yeah, you know, they're just. They're neighbors. Neighbors just hate each other, you know? They're fighting a lot, and. Yeah, but is there something about them in particular, like, uh. Uh. I don't know. I think we just think we're better than them and they think they're better than us, and. That's a great answer. Yeah, just like Jews and Christians, you know? What? Like, aliens and earthlings? Yeah. Take it easy, Miss Saigon. Jesus Christ. I had to roast a Jew in a juice here, and I gotta take the opportunity. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, you have to, right? Like. You're really a Jew? I'm. I'm. I. 23andMe. I took a. Oh, my God. You'll catch it. 23andHebe? Okay. Just from the neck up. So, yes. Yeah. For sure, definitely. Especially with the beard. You're 100% Jewish from the neck up. Yeah. No, I'm like a little Ashkenazi. I found out through 23andMe, but I was raised Italian, Irish Catholic. Perfect. Hey. Perfect. Hey. But she spotted it. It's really. What a great instinct you have. Yeah, no, I mean. I know. Chill? Even though her eyes look like they're closed, she can see. Young, you are amazing. So likable. So funny. We love you. How about one more time for Young, everybody? We're going to go back to this bucket. We're coming around the corner here. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. It's Jordan McDonald, everybody. Here we go. Here comes Jordan. What's going on? I've been traveling a lot lately. When I go to new cities, what I like to do is I like to buy weed. I like to take that weed and go to parks. I like to smoke that weed in parks. And I like to watch homeless people. That's how I judge how much I like a city. I suggest y'all try it. I was in Toronto, Ontario, Canada not too long ago. Any Canadians in here? Boo! USA! USA! Say it with me, brother. US! All right. I'm going to start a Klan rally in this bitch. No, I was in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, smoking weed in parks, watching homeless people, not bothering nobody, doing my thing. And I see this homeless man walking by himself. There's nobody else around him. And he just says out loud, I only smoke crack on the weekends. And guess what, Big Daddy? It's the weekend. That's a five-star homeless man right there. You mean to tell me you're a disciplined crack addict? It's like, hey, Reggie, what you doing tonight, baby? You want some crack? Nah, nigga, it's Tuesday. Don't start my crack till Thursday. 11:58 p.m. Thank you. Jordan McDonald. OK. Welcome back, Jordan. You've been on this show before. How are you? Yes, sir. How long you been doing stand-up now? Coming up on seven years. Seven years. And is that true you really meet a crackhead that only does it on the weekend? I was smoking weed in the beaches in Toronto, and I was watching homeless people as I do. And he was like, I only smoke crack on the weekends. And guess what, Big Daddy, it's the weekend. I was like, that's it. That's the craziest shit I've ever seen a crackhead do before. Jim Norton. I like watching you. You're a good performer. You have good energy on stage. You acknowledge the audience, and the material is unique. So I enjoyed watching you. Oh, thank you, Jim. Hell yeah. Appreciate it. You're welcome. Yeah, you've definitely gotten a lot better. I remember that. Thank you, man. I've been working hard. Yeah. I liked your impressions. Like, you really threw yourself into it. Appreciate you. Yeah. Hell yeah, Egan. And the way you said, fuck Canada. I appreciated that. Yeah. USA! USA! USA. Hell yeah. So, Jordan, what have you been up to other than stand-up comedy? Actually, Tony, I actually toured the world, 2024 and 2025. Wow. Went to 12 different countries and performed comedy. Tell us about it. Yo, the coolest place I went to was Tanzania, East Africa. Shout out to the Punchline and Dar es Salaam. Headlined there. Sold out shows there. Performed in Spain, all over Europe. And you're performing in English? Yes, sir. All these different places. So it was cool. For one of the shows in Tanzania, Friday night. Friday night, all my openers did comedy in Swahili. And I was like, damn, nigga, this is crazy. I don't know what the fuck y'all saying. And then the audience quickly turned on their English brain, and we had a good time, man. Wow. Yeah. It's incredible. I actually got a notice in Amsterdam and Spain and Dubai from Kill Tony, which was. Oh, you got recognized. Recognized. They were like, you're the dude where your ex-girlfriend beat you up, right? And I was like, yeah. They were like, you funny. And I'm like, can you leave with that next time? Yeah. Incredible. Non-comedy related, what was your favorite place? Favorite place, non-comedy related? Barcelona, Spain, man. Everybody got a fat ass. They got. For real, bro. Everybody's caked up. They got good food out there. The comedy scene was cool. It was just beautiful. I swam naked in the ocean. Nigga, that was tight. I'm from Sherman, Texas, dog. I ain't never done nothing like that. That was fun. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. I ain't never seen such a light-skinned brother with so much soul. Come on, now. Come on, now. You know what it is. I like it. You've been having all the wrong light-skins on your show lately, Tony, so I just had to, like, come in and be the. I like you throw your, like, everything into your words. It's, like, interesting hearing you talk. Thank you, brother. I appreciate that. When you swam naked in the ocean, what kind of floaties did you use? I just used my hair. I just used my hair, Tony. Very nice. It keeps me afloat. Kept my nose above water. I didn't have to worry about shit. Thank you. I didn't go below my knees, neither, though. That also helped. Absolutely. Like, we gonna keep. I ain't gonna get below. I ain't gonna get below the waist. That's gonna be dangerous. Amazing. Did you hook up with any global ladies? There was some pretty ones out there, you know? Can you give us an example of what that was like? Barcelona? No. One was in Edinburgh, Scotland, at the Fringe Festival. The Jewish girls out there go crazy, boy. Let me tell you. I didn't know. No, tell us. What do you mean? Well, so at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, a really big comedy festival in Scotland, and it's pretty much like Pokemon Stadium, but for comedians and stuff, and everybody's just trying to involve a Pichu to a Raichu, you know what I'm saying? And sometimes a Charizard and a Raichu meet up sometimes, like, yo, let's motherfucking make electricity and fire. And I don't know. Can you say. Can you explain that to the people that aren't absolutely brain-dead dorks? Yeah, so, you know, you go to one of the after parties, you know, and they drink a lot in Scotland, and you start drinking, and then you make eye contact with a very pretty Jewish lady from across the room, and she's like, yo, I direct shows. And I'm like, yo, I don't, but let's have some fun, and we have some fun. Did you know she was Jewish before she said she directed shows? No, no. Or was that the giveaway? But I was like, this might be my way in. Yeah, so, you know, had to do the job. Have you noticed something different hooking up with a Jewish girl than with a non-Jewish girl? Um. Go ahead, say it. It's okay. Okay, uh, well, uh. Easy. I don't know. No, go ahead. Let it rip. Let it rip, Ian. Shut up. I'm making no. I love Jewish people. I just want y'all to know. Yeah. Shouts out to the one Jew in the crowd wooing right now. I love you, brother. No, it's not really that much of a difference there. I don't know. She had, like, uh, like, like, like, moles, and I was like, that's crazy. Ew. You know, I was like, connect the dots or something, I don't know. That was the only difference was the moles. - God puts the moles on there so we can spot them. Exactly, exactly, exactly. No, they're not moles. They're called rats. That is a Jew who made that joke. Hopefully this is still in the clip. Hopefully the clip didn't end there. I love it. Jordan, anything else crazy we should know about you? Anything else crazy, man? Me and my homies have been making short comedy films and shit. We got a really funny stoner film called Pushy. If you like good stoner comedy films. Where can people find that at? We got it on YouTube right now. Just look up Pushy film. It's on YouTube. I-E-E-Y? P-U-S-H-Y. Okay, there you go. Pushy. Tony, I had a funny moment with you at Skankfest this year. We did? Yeah, we did. We were just hanging out in the green room or whatever and you walked up with a slice of pizza and I was talking to Joe DeRosa and a few other comics, Gardini, but you just came up and you were like this looks like so-and-so from Star Wars. I know this because I'm a Sith Lord. And I was like, yo, Tony, what? I actually remember this. It looked like the Mustafar system. Exactly. You go, I would know this because I'm a Sith Lord. And I was like. That was a joke, but. Remember when you made fun of them for being losers? Oh, yeah. Oh, come on. Star Wars is so much cooler than Pokemon. Dashie, you know the references. The Mustafar system is where. You guys know it's where Anakin and Obi-Wan Kenobi fought. It's basically a lava planet and there was a bubble on the slice of pizza. It was like one of those bubbles that come up and it literally. I took out my phone and granted you have to also remember it's fucking Skankfest, so I'm drunk and high as all fuck all. But I literally did. I didn't notice it until then and then I pulled out my phone and I looked up the Mustafar system and I went side by side. And then I took my red lightsaber and I shoved it up my ass to get out of the Turkish military. Here's a big joke book, Jordan. Thank you. Jordan McDonald, everybody. That's the lightsaber of the Sith. They don't use green or purple lightsabers like what you got there. No way, Jose. Straight red. I'm almost to the point to where I can shoot electricity out of my fingertips. Saving it for Madison Square Garden, our third time. Tickets going on sale. Real soon. You know, just casual business. Alright, let's do one last bucket pool. Make some noise for Joey Johnson, everybody. What's up, guys? Man, it's cool you're all here. Eleven years I've never been pulled before, so that's, you know. Eleven years of comedy, man. It's. Yeah, sure, I don't have enough time. Shut up. It's. It's hard making money doing this, man. Eleven years. I just got back. I was doing shows in the Denver area and I was stopped by a homeless guy outside the comedy club. He goes, excuse me, sir, can you spare some change? And I told him, I was like, look, dude, I don't have any money. I'm a stand-up comedian. And then I shit you not, guys, this homeless guy, like, paused and assessed my fucking situation. Right? The dude looks me up and down. I'm missing a beat. He just goes, my bad, fam. You right? And that fucked me up, guys. That ruined my whole week. My bad, fam. I know I spoke like that, too. He was Asian. It was the weirdest. My bad. You fam, you right? And then he gave me five dollars, alright? And I took that shit, because it's hard out here for a player. Alright, yeah. I was on unemployment during COVID. That was the best money I ever made. Alright? I'm not really political, but when Trump was selling out $900, I was like, I can be bought. That is a lot. I was on unemployment. I wasn't taking advantage of the system. We hear about that a lot, right? Taking advantage. I wasn't. The money given back to me, I was putting into small business. I love small business, man. I love it to a fault. Like, I love small business so much, I will only take a girl I'm seeing out to a mom-and-pop abortion clinic. Because big abortion is just killing the little guy. Right? Right, everybody? Joey Johnson. Great set. Eleven years you've been doing it. Eleven years, man. Where at, exactly? Uh, hyenas, actually. We actually met one time. I. Oh, God. Tell me what Star Wars shit I said. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Jesus. These are not the jokes you're looking for. What happened when we met? Uh, I was just supposed to open for you, and you had a bunch of people there, Randy, you know. Randy, it was Hyena's Fort Worth. But I do a bit of. I was with JP, and JP was in the green room. You don't recognize me. I had long hairs during COVID. I was wearing a mask, and I felt heavily judged walking in there with the mask. I can't believe Randy would book me open. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Always brought my own open. Well, what's funny is the, like, Saturday after, that was a Friday, and you didn't need me, and you let me do the time, and that was tight as fuck, but the Saturday after, the girlfriend that, like, just broke up with me, she was gonna come to the show, and I was like, oh, she's gonna. She was a big fan, and I was like, oh, she's gonna see me. This will be my big time. And then you're always like, hey, man, you need me back tomorrow? You're like, nah. Well, I had an entire crew that I flew out from Los Angeles. And, hey, in retrospect, yeah, it was good. Randy, Randy. Yeah, Randy's a dog. I love Randy. We love Randy. Randy's my fucking homie, the great Randy Butler. He comes to all of our shows when we do massive venues now. No, and you let me do the time, and that was tight, man. Thank you for that. Yeah, yeah. There you go. I'm a nice guy. I would like the girlfriend, but. There you go. There you go. I put my lightsaber away for the night. Where was the gig? At the cantina? Oh, no! Who shot first? How dare you use the Mos Eisley Cantina's name in vain? This is crazy that you're all finding out at once how big of a Secret Star Wars nerd I am. You dorks. Literally re-watched it over the weekend. Uh. Sometimes I just let it go. Hey, virgin, I am. Do your big one. Do your big one. No. I already did it on this show before. Okay, I do one impression. It's of Princess Leia during the Empire Strikes Back when she's freeing Han Solo from being frozen in carbonite. She's in a special robot helmet, which changes her voice, and when she wakes him up, she goes, you have been frozen in carbonite. Thank you. Thank you. Oh! Do I get to do the secret show on Thursday? I don't want to. I don't want to. Now this all makes sense. That's why you're talking into C-3PO's dick. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Fucking hilarious. I love this. I love that you're finding out that I have a sensitive, dirty side to me. Oh, my God. All right, Joey, what do you do for work? Uh, I work at Head Shop on Wheels out here, so I sell diet. Yeah, yeah. I sell diet weed in a food truck. Nice. Yeah. I did it in high school, but they tip me for it now, so that's nice. That's awesome. Dress for the job you want, not the one you. All right. I love that. How long you been doing that for? Uh, I moved here about a year ago. I started it, like, a few months ago. I was working at a country club bartending out here at first, and then in, uh, July, when those storms came, it flooded the, uh, country club. River Place Country Club? I don't know if. Yeah. Okay. And is it your truck, or you're working for. No, no, no. It's not mine. I work for it. A bunch of. A bunch of comics work. Eleazar, I think, he was on here recently. He works there. There's a lot of. Yeah. It got robbed recently. Yeah. Uh, there. There have been a couple. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, look, Head Shop on Wheels, I'm pretty sure they posted their mug shots, so look, you know, if you know them, maybe I'll get a raise. I don't know. You know. All right. But, yeah, they got robbed. I don't know what happened there. That wasn't my fault. That wasn't my truck. Okay. There you go. I lock up great. All right. Perfect. We're gonna use that video in court. You definitely. You definitely robbed the truck. Stop, dude. Stop. You look like my accomplice. We're one and the same here. This is. Yeah, shut the fuck up. Takes one to know one. I did not rob the truck. Okay. I swear, dude. Please, I need this job. Yeah. I need that $14. $14 an hour is so bad. Please. So it's $14 an hour. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that. What's your rent? $750 only, actually. Okay. How many roommates do you have? One roommate. And that's a dude? Yeah, yeah, yeah. One bedroom or two? One bedroom. Or two. Two. God damn it. You sent me up there. Whoa. Whoa. It's two. A one bedroom for $750 would be crazy. That'd be. Looks like I found a new C-3PO. Oh. L-R-2, you're D-2. All right. This is not the droid you're looking for, Tony. All right. Is it a one bathroom? Huh? Oh, did we already do that? It's a one bathroom? It's okay. One bathroom? Uh, yeah. What's it like? Tell these people what it's like sharing a bathroom with another. It's gross, because both me and him are, like, trying to get into working out, so the protein intake is, like. Oh. It's gone up for us and the toilet. And that's crazy. Having women over is crazy. You know what I mean? And also, like, the toilet seat's now falling off. It's just, like, doing that thing where, you know, I think both of us are, like, sit wipers, right? Like, you shift and the. She knows what I'm talking about. She gets it. Yeah. What do you mean? Like, if you. Like, do you stand and wipe? Just wipe or sit and wipe? I have a bidet. Don't do that. Stop. I have a. I have a. Play a fucking drum beat or something. I stand. Stand. Where's stand? Stand? You're standers? Oh, see, I just lean and then I fucking. Yeah. I probably shouldn't say this. That sucks. But, like, it moves the seat. I don't know what I do. It moves, like, the little. Everybody stands, right? You stand up. That's crazy. Who stays. Most people don't stand. They stay sitting and they go like that? No, I don't go in between. No, you lean. You grab a. cheek lean it's a whole reach process yeah yeah yeah yeah that's how women wipe that's a super straight way to do it dude it's very rare that we have so much standards uh here yeah this yeah this is crazy by the way the numbers are normally in my favor i feel like no on this problem yeah we got a few yeah no there we go that's a honest man right look that is a look that is a strong man right there and he sits when he that man works in construction wow i what do you you sit and you lean and wipe see yes he's a sitter yeah i'm a lean wiper is that what i'm supposed to be i'm a tall i'm a stand way and if you have a shitty apartment like i do like the toilet seat yeah so now it's like shifting now if you move any direction bro that you're like on a slip and slide it's crazy it's like i'm sitting on an ice cube i think it's like i'm sitting on an ice cube i think it's like i'm sitting on an ice cube i think it's like i'm sitting on an ice cube i stand and wipe you're pulling it into your balls well that's because you sit i stand and wipe you're pulling it into your balls well that's because you sit and pee i'm not i'm not oh so fun joey i'm not i'm not oh so fun joey i'm not i'm not oh so fun joey joey give me one more crazy fun fact joey give me one more crazy fun fact joey give me one more crazy fun fact about your entire life could be your about your entire life could be your about your entire life could be your childhood could be today crazy i'm childhood could be today crazy i'm childhood could be today crazy i'm quitting cocaine everybody that's cool quitting cocaine everybody that's cool quitting cocaine everybody that's cool yeah you're in the process right now of yeah you're in the process right now of yeah you're in the process right now of quitting i've been done for like a few quitting i've been done for like a few quitting i've been done for like a few months now but yeah congrats thanks dude months now but yeah congrats thanks dude months now but yeah congrats thanks dude appreciate it that's tough good for you appreciate it that's tough good for you appreciate it that's tough good for you appreciate it i had some i guess rock appreciate it i had some i guess rock appreciate it i had some i guess rock bottom moments let's hear about that uh bottom moments let's hear about that uh bottom moments let's hear about that uh yeah yeah well you're talking to the yeah well you're talking to the yeah well you're talking to the king and queen yeah i know i know this is king and queen yeah i know i know this is king and queen yeah i know i know this is why this is not the best but i just why this is not the best but i just why this is not the best but i just you know no what happened tell me we were you know no what happened tell me we were you know no what happened tell me we were by the way by the way by the way she looked great she looked great no we she looked great she looked great no we she looked great she looked great no we i was i was then i saw the i was then i saw the i was then i saw the penis and then for me that was like the penis and then for me that was like the penis and then for me that was like the rock bottom because i knew but then rock bottom because i knew but then rock bottom because i knew but then when you see it and it's big you're like when you see it and it's big you're like when you see it and it's big you're like that's yeah i know and then and then i felt like bad like i and then and then i felt like bad like i and then and then i felt like bad like i couldn't that's called being a rock hard couldn't that's called being a rock hard couldn't that's called being a rock hard bottom well then i felt like i couldn't stop well then i felt like i couldn't stop well then i felt like i couldn't stop because it would have been up like because it would have been up like because it would have been up like to have been turned off once i saw the penis. Who cares? Wait a second. Hold on. I know that's crazy to say after I did it. Let's go one step at a time, Joey. Just relax for a second. You're getting real amped up now. Sorry, my bad. It's okay. He's getting closer to us. Yeah, he is. Move back, Joey. Move back. No, no. He means with your lifestyle. I got you. Joey, you're saying that you didn't know she was trans until you saw her dick? I was willing to ignore it. I was so coked out. To ignore the fact that it could be a possibility. And again, you can play pretend until you see the. And then when I saw it, I was like, oh, I don't like this, but then I didn't want to finish. Hold on. Hold on. Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey. Dude, you robbed the truck, you are gay, and you knew she had a cock, okay? Just be who you are. It's totally fine. It's 2026. Thanks, dude. I appreciate that. So, you're saying that you were having sex with her, right? Yes. You're hitting it from behind. Yes. Okay. And did you finish? And then you saw the dick? Yeah. Yeah. But you weren't curious as to why first base was her asshole? Yeah. You're just like, wow. It was freaky. I don't know. You didn't wonder why her pussy smelled like shit? So, did you come in her asshole? No, no, no. You pulled out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a gentleman. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you pull out, you shoot it on her back. It felt, for some reason, this is dumb, I know, but it felt gayer coming in the ass. So, I was like, if I do it on the back, it's straight as fuck. If there's one alpha move, it's to pull it out and make her dick and jerk it. You get it? Yeah. Yeah. So, when did you see her dick? Because she's like, my turn. Is that it? Yeah. It was like, there wasn't a cigarette, but she rolled over, you know, like, she's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I felt bad, like, not wanting to get icked out. Even though I was, you know. Did you make her come like a gentleman, or are you a piece of shit? I have, honestly, man, I have no idea. At that point, I was. That's a yes. That's a yes. I love it. The Olympics are going on right now, and you were winning first place mental gymnastics. That is great. I was too coked up. I was so coked up, I dated her for six months. I was so drunk, I met her family and fell into a love relationship. Gold medal in skiing, I was. It's gayer for you to deny it. Yeah. It's fine. I mean, I said I did it. Did she sleep over? Did you wake up next door the next morning? No, no. I went home after. Well, she drove me home, like, we didn't really sleep. There was coke. You know, but yeah, she is a gentle woman. You better watch out. She is a female driver. It was very sweet. Amazing. What kind of car did she have? Do you remember? I don't remember. It was a little red, like. Big pickup truck? Like, hatchback thing. No, no, no. Truck nuts? But they're tucked up underneath the truck nuts. Oh, Joey. Congratulations. Fun set, fun interview. Love it. Great stuff. Joey Johnson, everybody. All right. I fucking love this episode tonight. I mean, unbelievable. What a showing. Golden ticket winner. Young was great. Dedrick was great. William got the whole thing started. Normally, that's how you end a show. And he went up first in this batting order tonight. So it makes you wonder, how do you end an episode like this? And well, there's only one way to truly do that, my friends. This regular has it all. He's selling out giant theaters all around the United States of America, where one day it is very likely that he will be a citizen. But for now, he remains the Estonian assassin. This is Laurie Matty. So there were ice raids happening this weekend, in Austin. Holy shit. As an immigrant, of course, I am anti-ice. However, as soon as I get this green card, get these rapists out of my country. Thank you. That's the sort of dude I am. Once I'm in, I pull the ladder up. Fuck off, we're full. I always thought I'm safe from ice, because I'm white. But holy shit, things have changed. They're shooting white women now. The most valuable commodity in America. God, I felt bad for that lady. But then I watched the whole video. It was about time a Karen got shot. Too much of this is going on. You know? This isn't right. Stop the garbage. Only white people feel bad for her. I asked all my black friends. They were like, oh, shot by law enforcement. Welcome to the game, baby. Thank you so much. You guys are awesome. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. I mean, in the history of this show, I don't think we've ever really-- and I know for a fact we haven't seen anything quite like what's happening with the extremely hardworking, unbelievably hysterical R.A. Maddie. I mean, you're growing at a rate that's absolutely insane. You're using your momentum and star power. You just have momentum from the get. Every single thing is fucking hilarious. And we know you're hilarious. So the expectations are raised. And then boom. You just-- I know, dude. The expectations-- oh, it's always a guy. The men love me. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. You have your own pressure. You're competing with only yourself out here. It's absolutely incredible. Jim Norton, what do you think? I mean, I like you. I know you. And very funny, man. I love to see the more confident-- every time I see you, it's more confidence. The material is really good. Your paws-- it's great to see. I think you're very funny, and I'm happy for you. Confidence has been an issue, really. Recently, Jim. Ooh. Why? So I've been banging. Ooh. This girl. Boo. That must be fun. So for a few months, I've been banging her in the right hole. Everything's correct. You never know. So yesterday, she tells me, the whole time we've been banging, a few months, she hasn't come in even once. Ooh. Is she on Zoloft? God, it feels like you've been betrayed. You know? So what are you going to do? Yeah, what did you do? So then. I ask her, so is it even possible? She goes, yes, I come with a vibrator. So I go, where is it? Then she goes, oh, I didn't want to bring it up because usually when I bring it up, guys get insecure, you know? And it's. I don't give a. Dude, whatever we need. I can get a black guy here in 15 minutes. I don't give a fuck. Ladies, say what makes you come, dude. The past four months. The past four months, I've been buying a lie. Insecure. Fuck. It's technology, dude. I can't, you know. You think if a Mexican guy is digging a ditch, then I fucking show up with a bobcat. You think he's going to be like. I'm useless. Come, bitch. I don't give a fuck. What do we need? Was she acting like she was coming? Yes, drama, real good. Sydney Sweeney shit. Shaking, shaking. The vibrations, they betrayed me. I know you. I know Jim doesn't know that feeling. You know when your wife comes. Oh, yes, I do. Ah! Yeah. Ah, you hit my shoulder that time. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. So, did you get the vibrator and try? Did you do it right then on the spot? She didn't have it there, but we're going to try again. Just fucking grab a Roomba and fucking call it a night. Amazing. So, are you looking forward to your revenge? Are you going to. Yes, there will be revenge. I was thinking. I was even shopping for vibrators, man. I was shopping for myself, dude. I was shopping for things where, dude, the battery isn't even enough. I was shopping for fucking tools. I was shopping for things you can plug in the wall and the lights flicker, you know what I'm saying? Dude, I'm going to. Next time she's over at my place, dude, I'm coming with a chainsaw, dude. Oh, my God. Is it working? Holy shit. Oh, my God. So, Ari, I mean, this is absolutely incredible. You've been all over the road lately. How's that going? Yeah, wonderful club. Stand up live in Phoenix. Shout out Rochester, Carlson. The clubs are so awesome. The people are awesome. If there are only more chicks, but. Yeah. It's like 500 rapists in a room. You're yelling fag. And you're crushing, dude. And that's arimattycomedy.com? Arimatty.com, for the love of God. Some of these shows are looking rough. I don't need this right now. No one's coming. I mean. Literally and figuratively, fuck! Arimatty.com. M-A-T-T-I. Get your fucking tickets. The great Estonian assassin, Ari Matty. One more time for him. This episode was brought to you by Shopify. How loud can this place get for the great Jim Norton, everybody? Jim Norton can't save you. Available everywhere. Unconceivable on YouTube and Jim Norton Comedy on YouTube. One more time for Ian Fidance, everybody. His new travel show, Ian Do. Available at YouTube.com under Ian Fidance Comedy. Comedy and IanFidance.com for tour dates. Such a fun episode brought to you by Shopify. We are doing the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles, California in May. So come out and see that wherever you are. You can fly to L.A. and see L.A. Or if you live anywhere near L.A., come see a real big ass, our biggest kill Tony of all time at the Intuit Dome. Red Band. Check out my fake band, Cap Red 7, on YouTube. Yes, and other huge announcements coming soon to this live audience. We love you. Thank you, guys. We'll see you next week. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Good night. Good night. Good night. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.