#755 - DR. PHIL + GREG FITZSIMMONS + SAL VULCANO

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHanscliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHanscliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Give me, make fun of me, make me mine, make me mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine. Oh, my goodness gracious. How exciting is this? You guys happy to be here or what? Oh shit, sounds amazing. We are brought to you by Shopify. This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world. Before we get to all the chaos, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Killtony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th and Dallas, March 28th. Go to tonyhenchcliff.com for tickets right now, come see an actual Killtony show in the great state of Texas, one in Houston, February 28th, one in Grand Prairie, March 28th, tonyhenchcliff.com get tickets now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode or what? Okay, every single week I booked this mammajama doesn't get, I mean, this is just so amazing. Two of our favorite guests in the history of the show makes some fucking noise for the great Sal Volcano and Greg Fitzsimmons Oh my God, yeah, baby, great Fitzsimmons, Sal Volcano. Oh my God. Very exciting stuff, ladies and gentlemen, Sal Volcano is on tour, Sal Volcano Comedy.com he's doing the Ryman Theater in Nashville, he's got a brand new season of the impractical jokers coming out on TBS Thursdays on TBS and his podcast Manouche is available everywhere. Greg Fitzsimmons, one of the greatest guests in the show's history, touring Fitzdog.com. He's in Philly, Lexington and Houston coming up very soon. How you guys feel? Are you excited to be here? I'm so excited. Hell yeah. I'm fucking excited. Are you guys excited? Hell yeah. It's come. Come here. The one. These pic Latinas love the impractical jokers, ladies screaming Sal's name over and over again, little fucking the tortas love you, Sal. You guys know how the show works, 300 plus comedians are stacked on top of each other in a bar right next door. And if I pull one of their names out of this bucket, our trusty assistant goes grabs them, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted on stage. You know, their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is just loud and annoying and cuts them off. And then I conduct an interview. We find out more about their real life or their careers or anything really that I find interesting about them. I'm so excited about this Sal and Greg. I mean, we have you guys. It literally just does not get any better than this. Oh my god. Oh my god. There he is. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed the 2024 guest of the year. Dr. Phil is here, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, a matter of breath, a matter of breath, but I brought some treats. We don't need any more red bands out there. Wow. Dr. Phil is throwing out magnum condoms. This one might be open. I got bored in the delta lounge. Hold on to these two for later. Dr. Phil live in the flesh. He recognizes one of the greatest guests in the, what was that? Monkey pox. Oh my goodness gracious. We didn't even get to hang out yet. How'd you get those? Wow. Sad to be back, Tony. It's been way too long, Dr. Phil. You've been out selling out all around the fucking world. We did it. We're going to Australia and Canada next year. That's right. Sorry, this year. The Who Is Me Tour? Wow, that's a wild thing that's happening. I'm excited. Well, I guess you don't even want to. Wow. It's wild. How? You do. No, we're going to keep it right here. Okay. All right. This is very exciting. Dr. Phil is here live in the flesh with Greg Fitzsimmons and Sal Volcano. This episode is brought to you by Shopify. My goodness. I mean, what a start to this show. I mean, that's absolutely crazy. You got a fucking joke water? Yeah. Yeah, we do. You're sitting quick. We absolutely do. We shake them up before the show to add vibes and energy to the show. It's working. It's working and it's working. That's what we call that. So what's amazing is that while this is an incredible, perhaps one of the greatest starts of the show ever, why don't we take it one step further and have the first comedian be the record holder for all time appearances normally the closer of the show. One of the few living members of the Killtony Hall of Fame. Some people call them the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the Titan of Tacoma, the Weirdo of Washington. My mother was watching the news the other night and she heard people talk about doxing one another. She goes, "Honey, what is doxing?" I said, "Oh, it's when two guys get in a ring and punch each other with their dicks." The waiter walks out and goes, "Who ordered the amberjack?" I raise my hand and he sets it down in front of me. I look and I say, "Wait, this has whiskers. Have I literally been catfished?" Can you imagine if you were a flat-erther, like a depressed flat-erther and one day you tell your flat-erther friends, "I really can't take it anymore. I'm just gonna walk this way and I'm never gonna stop." And they're all like, "No, don't do it, no." And then around 80 days later, you show up from the opposite direction and you're in a hot air balloon and you're like, "Guys, they're never gonna believe this." Okay, that's my time, Tony. Because the earth is round, Tony, that's why you would show up from the other end. Right. But that would mean that it's not flat. Right. It would mean it's round. It's proving, it's saying to his friend, it's ultimately teaching his friends that the earth is round. Right. It's kind of like a passion play. Oh my gosh, Tony, I'm so nervous, seriously going up first. I love it. It's literally my favorite thing, but I'm so nervous right now because we're really, I've time up there to hang out and whatever and oh my gosh, here we are. I love it. I love it. Out of your comfort zone proof that you can do it all. You got the show started with a bang. And Tony, I do have to say, I've finally been in a horrible funk. I'm still actually in a pretty bad funk in my brain, but I've started rowing again and I've done 65, 65 fucking miles to pass. Six days, Tony. Very good, William. That's 10 miles and some change per day. Yeah, listening to a fucking melancholy and the infinite sadness by smashing pumpkins all time. Great, great. Fit Simmons. Well, it's just great that you're rowing. I know you guys have a long history of that as well, but it's good to see that you're rowing. We'll be right back. William, how's the AIDS going? It is not going good. That's part of why I'm in my funk. I messed up. I messed up. And I was in Vancouver last year. I allowed this guy to have sex with my ass, literally with my ass, seriously. Well, it's good to mix things up. I know it was fun. I was kind of in a funk. I've been in these bad fonts, and the puzzles don't help. Nothing really helps. But when I was having sex with that guy, it was crazy. Oh, that was fun, right, Bane? What was that noise? Yeah. That's the noise you would have been making in the corner, right, Bane? When you're watching my ass, you fucking weirdo. That's exactly what you would have been. And just in the corner, where in your fucking tank top, you fucking nasty weirdo. Your little blue tank top. Yeah, have you ever seen it, Tony? Where's that little blue fucking tank top with these little swim trunks? And yeah, it's like a little bad boy. And he's showing everybody pictures of his fucking girlfriend's feet. Stop doing that. Seriously, stop doing that. He's doing that in the fucking green room before we even start tonight. That's part of why I'm nervous, Tony. I did walk by, and you were showing somebody a picture of a foot. Was that your girlfriend's foot? Oh, tradition anytime Greg's around. Janice shows her foot to him, because he likes that. And wow, this is not a great start for Greg's son. You know, there's certain things that stay in the green room. It would have ever happened to take it into the grave, Redbint. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Now I have to cut them off. Oh my goodness, I love it. William, so you've been rowing again? Yeah, doing the rowing, trying to hopefully please come see. I promise, if I've been to a city before, I have a whole different set. It's mainly new jokes. I've been-- I've got to get my ticket set. I got to get better at marketing, Tony. As Tony has turned out, I got to figure it out. Yeah. Well, this-- would you just call me a nacho vest? Or what did you say? The nacho is the best you have in looking nachos. You should say everything. You should encourage your woman to say everything that comes to the front of her brain, so you're doing a really good job. The Lakers had always a dead giveaway for not having your woman under control, right? Shut up, bitch! Yeah. Seriously. Seriously. Whoa, whoa. I'm trying to have fun, fucking Redbint throwing crack under the bus, and fucking beard of you, dude, seriously. [LAUGHTER] It's really weird, why'd you-- William, I get what's happening with you right now. You're getting fired up, you're getting angry, you're getting more red, which I didn't think was possible. Yeah, everyone out. You're on right now, where can we get some of it? That is-- But look, it looks like a little nachos. No, I know. I see it, so maybe you're right. I see it. I know, you are right. All right, so that's not how this works. You guys all see those little nachos? OK, we all see the nachos. It is an incredible vest, William. What are you wearing? Or it is award season. And the world wants to know, where do you get a vest like that? So I literally clicked into ebay.com, my account. I clicked in vintage '90s Columbia vest large. Milled it. And then I get a bunch. And then, yes, this-- Yeah, the chose was not in the keyword search. No. Wow. Because the red little zags there, they look like little nachos. They do. They do. It is absolutely incredible. William always a master of style. It is a nice vest. You look like you're about to lead a safari for a bunch of kids who are definitely going to get molested. Yeah. Sure. Which is a tough gig to get. So I want to compliment you on the-- Thank you. Thank you so much. It's true. You look like the tour guide at Epstein Island. There it is. The guy that walks you off the dock when you pull up on the-- That's what you show. We'll keep it up. OK, everybody come in here. And it's just red being jacking off with all the fucking-- you weirdo. Wow. Well, William, you got the show started with a fucking bang, my friend. Unbelievable lights out the great and powerful William Montgomery, showing us how it's done. Now we go to the bucket, everybody. Oh, my goodness. Oh, Dr. Phil, getting his own book delivered to him. That is incredible. You do. You are a marketing genius. Philip C. McGraw, PhD, you and me. It's as easy as 1, 2, 3. I'll talk about that in my book. That's right. Page 73. Page 73. If you can't run, get the fuck out of my garage. All right, so the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pulled tonight is Sancho Pancho Vio with an uninterrupted minute. What is going on? Hell, yeah. So even though I'm 5'1, I am into taller women. And so that could be hard. So I got these shoes that make me 5'3. Don't believe me. We'll call this my stand 5'3. And now we're at 5'1. But even with the shoes, like tall women are still hard to hit on. Like I was hit on this one super tall girl. She was like 5'5." And she looks down at me. And she's like, boy, you're so short, you would have to go up on me in the bedroom. I'm like, that's a weird way to ask, if I keep a step ladder in my trunk. I'm like, girl, what do you think I'm wearing this shirt for? I'm trying to eat my way to your heart. You know what I'm saying? But on the same note, I hate tall dudes who use the short urinal in the men's restroom. Because now I'm over here having a tippy toe. Fuck, I put my chimichanga on the foot over the rim. Like, how am I going to explain to a girl that I got crabs from a men's restroom? It doesn't work like that. Hey, I'm Sancho Pancho Vio, thank you. That's my time. Wow, adorable. Absolutely adorable. One of the largest full-grown babies to ever do stand-up comedy ladies of gentlemen. Giant when it comes to the weight class of babies. Sancho Pancho Vio. What's up? You're standing at 5-1, is that what you said? Yeah, 5-3 with the shoes on. 5-3 with the shoes on. Incredible. When's the last time you measured yourself? Like, height-wise? Yeah. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. Funny. Funny? Yeah. When I went to get my driver's license, OK, you got one of those. Your people normally don't have one of those. Do you have car insurance? Sancho Pancho Vio? Yep, through USA. Let's go. Shut up. Yeah, right. Hopefully they lower my rate. I don't know. OK. USAID. USAA? USAID? AA? Like the military? Oh, got it. You were in the military? Yes, sir. I'm a marine. OK, absolutely incredible. What the hell were you doing in the Marines? Exactly. What was your specialty? Man, I was an engineer company. So like, we work with generators. We build stuff. We blew it up. Like, I have more certifications than my cousin with three fake IDs. Like, I could do any Texas job. Wow. Amazing. Sancho Pancho. You've been on the show a few times before. Yes, sir. You get very lucky. I'm hoping to tonight. God. Now, why the fuck did you do that? Yeah. Because we're pretty much rocking the same haircut. Dr. Phil, like, come on, like shit. When did you go bald, do you mind me asking? Oh, probably when I was like 19. That damn. Ah, man. Wow. Now to work out for you. How did you adjust, you know? With comedy. Oh, well, there you go. I'm still struggling, obviously. So Sancho Pancho via, you went bald at 19, standing at five foot one. What do you think you did in this life or a past life for God to treat you like this? Question, Tony. And he apparently also made you extremely horny. A lot of your act has to do with women. You just said you're hoping to get lucky tonight. When's the last time you got laid, Sancho Pancho? Oh, we could go. Wow, we could go. Who was this, what was this, uh, innocent person? Where'd you meet this person at? Just in my hometown, you know. Was she married? This one wasn't. This one was not married. That is true. We found out about you that you're into married women. You like wrecking other people's lives. Listen, like, the door's already cracked open. I just walked through it, you know what I'm saying? Even if it's the dog door, like, I'm, you know. The dog door is open. You walk, right? [LAUGHTER] That was tonight's Doritos, blooper of the net. [LAUGHTER] Put it on the cutting room floor sale. Where were you guys going to say it at the same time? I was going to say, yeah, you walked under the crack. You didn't have to go-- Oh, yeah, I was going to say he walks right through the dog. Right, he doesn't have to duck down or anything like that. We'll work together. We all have different doggy door jokes for you, Sancho. That's a good sign. That's how you know you're a hot dude when you bring up a doghouse and we're all like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You're adorable, Sancho. So you find that there's a lot of girls that are into whatever you are. Women love a confident man, yes, Tony. It is confidence. You do carry it well. When do you cry? When do you let it out? Is there a moment ever? You work out Sancho Pancho? I do. I'm down 10 pounds. What have you been doing exactly? explain to some of these people. out here, how they can lose weight. -I quit alcohol, so that was a big one for now. But on St. Patrick's Day, I'd dress up like a leprechaun, so like, I want 'em out the way and I can drink again, so. -Oh, yeah. That's perfect. -And then, yeah, quit in alcohol and then just working out every day, so, yeah. -Amazing. -Back to Bench in 245. That's cool. -You benched 245? -Yeah. -Wow. Enough about your date from last week. [ Laughter ] -If she's not 180, she ain't a lady, you know what I'm saying? -Let's go. -I talk about that in my book, Chapter 25. -Chapter 25, "Fed bitches are people, too." You have a cabbage or local barns and noves. [ Laughter ] -What's the biggest girl you've ever hooked up with before I let you go, "Sancho, poncho"? -Uh, what? [ Laughter ] -I don't know, probably a red band. Probably, she's, like, 233, probably? -Yeah. -Okay, that's an interesting cast. -Wait, wait, sorry. -Not to be -- Not to be specific. -That was such a specific wait. -Yeah. Like, you -- That's something you knew. That's a -- That 233 is a very specific cast. -And that's how much I weigh. -Is it really? -That's my real weight. -You really think so? Let's get the fuck in. -I'm in a style out, everybody. No doubt about it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. [ Laughter ] Come on. There it is. -Brand band. [ Laughter ] -Oh, it's too good. -It's too good. Oh, it's too good. -Come on, red band. [ Cheers and applause ] Hold on. Hold on, hold on. -What? -All right. -So -- So, I would say I'm fully clothed, and that -- That was naked. -He's wearing 27 pounds of clothing, everybody. Here he is. -My real guest, though. -Oh, my God. -My real guest is -- I weighed myself like this one. -By the way, if a bucket pool gave this many excuses before getting on the stage -- -No, no, no, I'm not good. I'm just going to say, I weigh about 239. -Okay. All right. -Don't do it, Red Band. You're wearing your outfit out. 233, everybody. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. He's been here for every episode of the show. Sal, read it off for me when it comes up. It just says, "All right. It says, "ouch." -Okay, we're -- Do you want me to report that? -Yes. -Or what do we have to report it? -Uh, 251.4. [ Cheers and applause ] -That's right, folks. He's wearing 17 pounds of clothing. [ Laughter ] -It's getting cold outside. -What do you mean? Sancho Pancho, get on that thing. Let's see what it says. -All right, I'm going to take my shoes off, though. I'm going to take my shoes off. [ Laughter ] -All right. 193. -193. [ Cheers and applause ] -Chew. Now, what do you mean you weighed in today? What does that even mean? Oh, you're right. This thing is pretty heavy. Yeah, okay. I'm 165. 164.6, everybody. Give it up for Tony Hicks, Cliff, everybody. Let's go! [ Cheers and applause ] What is this? Kill Sancho Pancho? Give it up for me. -Yeah, that's about 10 pounds. -You're right. I'll give you 10 pounds. Maybe. -Take yourself a jokebook, Tony. -Thank you. -Thank you. There's the lovely Heidi, everybody. And Sancho Pancho. [ Cheers and applause ] Sancho Pancho. -What size joke books you get last time? -I think you said like, "Oh, a small jokebook is the same size as a big jokebook." -That's right. So you got a small one? -Yes, sir. -Well, today you're getting a medium one. -Let's go. -Sancho Pancho, everybody. There he goes. [ Cheers and applause ] And the show is often running. [ Laughter ] You weighed in at 233 today? -No, 239 today. -239. Were you naked? -Yeah. -Yeah. -Okay. All right. Ooh, it's the lovely Heidi, everyone. A lot of drinks coming tonight. You guys having fun out there? We got Dr. Phil Greg Fitt Simmons and Sal Volcano, everybody, and a shit ton of water, an absolutely shocking amount of water on the table. -You didn't even have beverages. -Absolutely. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Mario Zapata, everyone. Mario Zapata. [ Cheers and applause ] -How we doing, mothership? Hell, yeah. A lot of crazy stuff going on in Minneapolis. Why's everybody mad at all these Somalayas? [ Laughter ] Kind of -- They're wine a lot, but that's cool, whatever. Don Lemon recently got arrested. That shit's crazy. Just goes to show you when life gives you lemons, get legal aid. [ Laughter ] I don't know what he did, but whatever. Ah, all right, Buckling, guys. What is the difference between a Jewish person and an undercover cop? You may never know you were talking to a cop. [ Laughter ] Thank you. [ Laughter ] All right, guys, I think the reason the reward we're talking is such an offensive word that so many people are. You can see it everywhere. I saw a school that said, "Get your MS in business." And I'm like, "Who wants to wear a board meeting with multiple sclerosis?" [ Laughter ] Can you imagine standing in front of everybody going, "This company is built on a solid foundation." [ Laughter ] -All right, Mario Zapata. -This is your first time on the show. -It is not. -Oh, but it is not. -You look different or something? -Yes, I recently started shaving my head because I was looking like Angelica's Barbie doll. -Okay. -Dr. Phil. -See, that's possible. You could do that at any point, Dr. Phil. -Yeah, well, if I look like I was about to shoot up an anthropology store, I don't associate my head. [ Laughter ] Now, what I mean by that is, you came in hot. For a minute there, I thought you were running for office because you just kept being like, "There's too many Jews, you know?" And then you said, "What was the last thing you said?" I think the reason the word "retarded" is so offensive is 'cause so many people are. -Right. Okay, and how do you feel about that joke? Like, when you say it out loud to the silence, does it feel-- -I'm behind it, dude. I know a lot of retarded people. [ Laughter ] -Sal, what do you think about this guy? -Well, I like that you had topical stuff. So you're writing new stuff. And I like that you really went for jokes. You really did. -Thank you. -I will say, though, you know, I noticed that you told everybody to buckle up before one of the jokes. [ Laughter ] And then you really, I mean, it really didn't deliver. You know, so I wouldn't say, "You should just be mindful of that." And you're gonna tell everyone to buckle up. Like, the inference was that you were gonna blow their fucking balls off with this next joke. And then it was really just a, you know, a real par type of joke. -It's funny. I never saw anyone tell they went buckle up with this next one. And then basically, just, it was a very mellow mellow joke after that. -That was more for me. -It was more for you, okay. -Buckle up your catchphrase. Or did you just feel like coming out saying something sassy? -It just feels sassy. I don't know. Maybe I could use it as a catchphrase. So, yeah, buckle up, guy. Hey, buckle up. -Yeah, let me just say something real quick. You said that he said to buckle up and that it felt -- I'll agree to disagree, Sal, because I feel like the comedy set was a little turbulent. And when you're on a plane, they tell you to buckle up. Because things aren't going to go according to plan, which is kind of -- -No, no. Buckle up, folks. Yeah, hell yeah. -But you do have confidence and that's important. -I appreciate it. -Buckle up, everybody. Jewish people will let you know that Jewish. -Yeah, that's another -- that's exactly what I was getting to next. You're good at spotting Jews. Is that -- is that what -- -No, they usually tell me pretty quickly in a conversation. -They tell you they're Jewish. -Oh, yeah. -Where are you talking to these Jews, that exactly? -Wherever I go. -Wherever you go. -They're everywhere, right? I mean, like -- -No, that sounds bad. Okay. -Starting to see why this guy shaved his head all the way. -Good lord. -This fucking guy. -Yeah, keep talking, guys. -Why do you think we can kick it? -All right. This is what I signed out for. Let's do it. Okay. I mean, people are everywhere, right? You'd run it in different people everywhere. -Wow. It doesn't get much more racist than that, everybody. -But these people are everywhere. -I can't go anywhere without seeing these fucking people. -Yes. Okay. -Mike, give me your favorite tap of person. -Okay. That's a totally -- -Nice people. -Direction, changing question. -You just did it, Dr. Phil. Let's stick with the Jews here for a second. [ Laughter ] -Shift here. -Okay. Let's not shift at all, doctor. -Let me ask you this. You're seeing them everywhere. This and that -- Is there anything -- Is there anything you've noticed a way to spot Jews before they had told you that they're Jewish? -No. -How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? -I've been doing a stand-up for six years. I've been doing comedy for 12. I used to do musical comedy. -Okay. Well, you would sing? -Yeah. -You'd write your own song, guitar, and stuff like that. -You have any original songs? -I do. -Okay. What notes are they? And what chord is it? -Most of them are in G, because it's an open -- -Okay. You guys want to play an open G? Why don't you sing us something, Mario? -Okay. They'll follow you. Now all the girls we've been We both drink until we can't see Then my friend leans over and he says to me Hey, I love you, man You're my bro and I'm like Yeah, bro I love you too It's a part that's weird for me Is he's telling me this smile? Rubbing on my knee My name is Mario And if you're having a bad time in the show so far Well, buckle up I'm dressed like I'm ready to go Work the late shift at Home Depot Buckle up Buckle up And if you're driving drunk through the Taco Bell Make sure to call your dad Who's in hell and say dad I'm gonna get that same order you used to get Johnny Barrett, Daddy Barrett Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do Dr. Phil making Mario Zapata hilarious You didn't pay a door, literally Yeah, hell yeah, hell yeah Mario Zapata So you did musical comedy and now you just do stand up I do, what do you do for work? I edit wedding videos, I make porn And I wait, stop right there When you say you make porn, what exactly do you do? Buckle up Where was that person? Before I fucking improvised a shitty song It's trying to be discrete Yes, we talked about it last time I make giant just porn with my wife Oh, that's right, you have a big wife A tall wife Yes, a tall wife, okay Big difference, big difference Yeah, you're not pulling a Sancho Pancho via out here You're going for the tall girl, something I like to set the bar high Very interesting, and that's been good for you Fantastic, you guys are making good money Good money, yeah Have you ever thought about, you know, because those guys probably like the difference in height Right? The two people, have you ever thought about letting Sancho Pancho via join in? Sancho Pancho via join in Because. I would charge him to be in the movie Exactly I probably love it All right, somebody's going to judge golf to you Yeah, where do we, is it all available online or is there a specific. We're looking up films Dot. Something, it's on, it's on fucking What is that a dot org or something? No, no, no, no, okay, it's on a. We sell it through square You don't know the website of you and your wife's port? I copy and paste everything dude It's like, wow Yeah, yeah, looking up films dot. Gubs? Yeah, look that up All right You're actually great things Mario Zapata, our second extremely confident Latino in a row You as well Yeah, it was good Mario, you know what? I'll give you a big joke Did you get one last time? No, okay, there you go Boom, good catch It's a little off There he goes, Mario Zapata, everybody That's perfect, Mario, that's a Oki-Doki Well, all right, there he is 12 years of comedy experience There he goes, Mario Zapata, everyone All right, our next bucket pool ladies and gentlemen Goes by the name of Robert Carroll Here we go Robert Carroll Okay, this looks like a new face Makes the noise for Robert Carroll, everybody Fucking A Kill Tony, wonderful So, I'm on shrooms I got a lead with that, sorry What are the odds? This is my second time I sign up There's no way they're f*cking picking me I'm shrooming pretty hard Give me a little benefit, okay So, I guess stuck here for the ice I'm staying at a goddamn hotel, very nice hotel But, you know, how many times can a 60-year-old man jerk off and went after me? 38 The answer's 38 69 would have been funnier, but it's really 38 So, the mushroom thing, anybody do psilocybin? But, God damn it, sprouted That was a bad idea, it's gonna turn out fine, I'm sure So, I talked to all these young people and I'm like, so psilocybin is legal now And they're like, "Oh, that's so cute, are you micro-dose?" And I'm like, "No, I don't know what the f*ck is a micro-dose, is 7 grams of micro-dose?" I guess I'm micro-dosing Anyway, I'm Robert Carroll, thank y'all I love a guy who 50 seconds in says, "It's gonna turn out just fine" Amazing, you're certainly dressed like you're on a bunch of mushrooms This all checks out Robert grabbed that microphone Let's talk about it, man How long have you been doing comedy for? I lied This is my absolute first time in front of a crowd and a microphone So, there you go Perfect, man, we got it, all right, great, you're 60 years old What made you want to start comedy? Now, I went broke What? I went broke Okay, ladies, stop Dude, okay, relax, did you hear the laugh that got? Not at all, shut the f*ck up What is going on with the women in this room tonight? It is unbelievable Midlife It's a weird improv troupe Kamala Las, ladies, shut the f*ck up What the f*ck is going on? Oh, this f*ckin' one's back now Okay, Red Band, very good Wow, can the ladies start heckling if Red Band's gonna jump in with his f*ckin' comedy? I understood I got, okay Robert, what made you want to start here today? It's a long story, but going broke in short, and just. How did you go broke? Let's talk about it Okay, you're on the show Decades of working as a builder for the commercial construction industry Built and got a little quiet there, Robert You've really fizzled out years of working How short version is, I just suddenly realized f*ckin' I'm gonna be 60 And if I keep scraping things will be eh, so f*ck 'em I've just literally went nuts, my whole family They've decided to keep me, me, maybe But like I said, I think it's gonna work out I think he thinks he's gonna bid-bath and be on right now Is your talk, you gotta talk, I couldn't understand I wanted to follow that story Oh, it's a rambling bunch, I did lead with I'm on mushroom I really thought mathematically the likelihood of me being on today was not very good But I do function in a reasonably good way What mathematically your odds are, the same whether you're on or not on mushrooms If you take an overload of mushrooms, that's when you wouldn't sign up I'm not sure about that, I'm not sure that's true, I'm here man If my second try, and here I am You got it, and you signed up last week as well I did, I was here for the ice storm What would you have talked about last week if you would have gotten pulled not on mushrooms? Were you on mushrooms? I was on mushrooms Your whole plan was just to come out and go, I'm on mushrooms I hope this goes okay, and it has been working so far Where? Where has it been working? Have you been doing other open mics? Back at cats aren't looking very good, but everything else is pretty sweet How'd you afford that fucking scarf if you don't have any cash? Did you make that out of pubes and queives? It's everything's negotiable What the fuck did that mean? I ain't trying to tackle that from you This is an impossible interview That's a you purchase Tell us the fun fact about your life man, you're 60 years old And all you've said so far is I'm on mushroom Okay, I'm 60 years old, I'm a commercial builder I'm a grandfather of three wonderful grandkids We had play day Saturday, I was not on mushrooms for that Okay, I behaved with the kids How often are you doing mushrooms nowadays? Often as I can, like Yeah, yeah, I have found that Are you dealing with some type of trauma or something like that? Aren't we all, yes, yeah Like what? Can you give us something compelling about your life? You have 60 years to reference here Well, I lost 80 pounds last year Oh, well, that's so February the 10th Thank you, thank you and then somebody said Hey, you're kind of funny and you're kind of. So I've been, I was here because I was working on the show Mima With Roseanne Ball I don't know if I'm so, anyway I was here as a background actor Okay I got stuck, Joe Ellis is someone you know Joe said, "Hey, you should do KillTiming." Okay I came with her You didn't know if you were supposed to mention that you did background work on the show Mima? Who would want you to keep that to yourself? Excellent pool I'm trying to follow I know, but I have one other question Yeah Do you put on all the jewels after you take the mushrooms? But this, I actually, I was wearing these things before I was doing the mushrooms But I do wear this pretty well all the time Okay I mean, I do not sleep in all Is that strictly aesthetic or do we need those things? have a certain special meaning? -It's probably OCD. Once you start wearing them, then you're like, "Oh, fuck, I don't have that on. I'm sure my life is fine." -When about in your life, did you start doing a lot of mushrooms? -Oh, well, I did a lot when I was in college back in the '80s. -I'm talking about this new one. -Recently, my son just graduated from college, and he's got a green engineer. -Yeah, ballpark. -Oh, a year ago. -Year ago. Perfect. When did you start wearing that type of jewelry exactly? What's around your neck, that type? -Right two years ago. Two years ago. -It was a faded side answer. -When did you become turquoise, Mr. Tee? [ Laughter ] -Cool. -You've definitely got a Jeff Bridges, Jim Henson, about to get me to to the Wichels Pretzels type of vibe. -Jeff Bridges and Jeff Bridges. -The other guy, yeah. -All right, Robert. I've kept you up here way too long. -Well, thank you for putting up with me. Goddamn it, snuck in, and you didn't torture me. The crowd was great. I am going to do something. -Yeah. -Right, right, right, a set, right? You're right, right, right, right, joke sometime. And then you'll be back on, and then we'll know something about you. -I love that you're on my shoes. And now we all feel like we're on mushroom. -Yeah. Contagious. Dr. Phil's throwing him a magnum condom. There you go. -You probably think she's a gummy worm. -There you go. There you go. There you go. -Throw a good -- -A Robert Carroll, everybody. -Wow. -You shoot up. -A maid. -Rankage. -There you go. Hell, yeah. -Everybody -- -There you go. -Yeah, show Joe Biden how to get out of here. -There's no dumbass. -There's no dumbass. -It's dripping so hard. -That guy's dumbass. -These old people doing mass amounts of mushrooms out of nowhere. Insane. Makes most of your next bucket pool, everybody. It's "Treeke More Allets." [ Cheers and applause ] Hell, yeah. You guys remember when driving a Tesla major in Nazi? I miss those days. I like being called a different type of N-word. Which is ironic. I'm from Idaho. That place is full of N-words. I had to go out and buy myself a Tesla Model 3rd Reich. That's what I drive now. See, this joke is only fun and silly. If you can remember that the N-word means not to you, right? So anyway, I see this group of filthy fucking N-words coming down the sidewalk. And they were headed right towards me because I was screaming out N-word lives don't matter. Yeah, I hate black people. But not as much as I hate those blonde-haired blue-eyed N-words. Thank you. Okay, 50 seconds from "Treeke More Allets." Good job. Anything after Robert Carroll's amazing. Anything after an old man going, "I'm on my shoes." That's just incredible. At least you tried "Treeke." Amazing. First time? Second time. Second time ever doing stand-up. What made you want to sign up for? No, no, no. Second time on the show. Oh, it is. All right. How did it go your first time? It went well. Yes. I had a full 60 seconds. It was great. All right. Okay. And how long ago was that? Maybe November? What did we find out about you then? What was the interview based around? Oh, I had a gong. Not that black. You had a gong? I had a gong, yeah. I didn't get to pull it out. Oh. I had it in my passenger seat car the whole time. And I just had to drive home with it in there. Okay, yeah. That wasn't anything we covered in the interview last time. No. That was in your car. It was. Give us a thing. What do you do for work, Tareek? I work from home. So I'm just getting paid to be unemployed. What do you do? Honestly, I don't know. It's like the documents they come in, I hit green or red. Child care. And then-- Yes. He's a Somali day care worker, everybody. Good job, red man. Mr. 233 over here. Yeah. Okay. So you don't know what you do. You're getting paid? I'm getting paid. How much do you get paid? It's $20 an hour. How many hours a day are you working? Eight hours a day. Eight hours a day. Eight hours a day. Yeah. And the check's clear. The check's clear. Yeah. Okay. What do you do for a fun? I like to play the piano, the piano player. You're a piano player. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. A bit of a beige baton, a little bit. Okay. Are you the kid from Fresh Prince of Bill Air? That's me. Yeah, there you go. Absolutely. Are you from Austin, Texas? No, I just moved here in July. Okay. Where were you at before that? Boise, Idaho. Nice. All right. Tell us about being whatever you are in Boise. Yeah. That was the blackest person there, which is super embarrassing. Are you black? Half. Half black. Half Mexican. Puerto Rican. Oh, Puerto Rican. Okay. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like you've been long enough. Yeah. I just want to double back on the job you do because you said that I don't know the documents come in. You said and I hit red or green. Yeah. There's like literally a thumbs up or a thumbs down. I just. You literally do not know what you do. Literally. Yeah. It's like something with finance. I don't know. But what do you do? The fucking the document comes in. I did. I checked these numbers to see if they match up with like client information. Are you on the cast of severance? Yeah. The work is mysterious and important. Definitely. Yeah. Wow. How long have you worked for this company? Like three months. Wow. Yeah. Not long. Why would you hit it green? Because the numbers match up with the client information. It's fucking Lumen. That's it. That's it. That's it. Yeah. And you would hit red when the numbers don't match. When they don't match. And you do this for eight hours a day. Eight hours a day. I'm watching movies. I'm on the phone. I'm hanging out with my comic friends. That's it. Was your training for this? Not really. No. Yeah. It's like day one. They're like, all right. Here's what you're going to be doing. And the name of the company? Oh, what the hell. I don't think he's going to lose this. Nothingburger job. He says that. Yeah. What's your love life like? A single right. I can't afford to date. I make $20 an hour. So yeah. I should froze. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Single right now. I haven't been on the-- How long have you been in Austin? Since July. And I see you've been on no dates. You've met no women. I went on one date. I met her like at a show at Narbar. And it didn't go well. What happened? This is perfect. Take us through the night, Tareek. Yeah. She was just like-- she was like a bodybuilder. And I didn't-- I couldn't see it. She was wearing a hoodie. Uh-huh. And we went on the date. She was like a tank top. And she had like some fucking biceps. Uh-huh. I wasn't ready for that. I think I was a little-- she was, you know, thick neck. Thick neck biceps. Did you-- is there any chance she had a dick? [LAUGHTER] Did you-- Didn't make it that far. I think you went on a date with Joe Rogan. [LAUGHTER] Is he real mean and bold? He's a foreplay. Yeah. A lot of venison. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] That's that, Joe Rogan. She was jacked. Now, now, uh, and permission to speak freely. Uh-huh. Did, uh, when she took her hoodie off, and you saw just-- Gugum, gugum. Right. And you saw-- you were like, oh, there's a potential opportunity for me to peck fuck her, right? Mm. Did, uh, did you say-- Wait, what was that, Dr. Phil? Peck fuck her. What does that mean? So, you know, she's so muscular her-- her boobs have turned into pecs. So, if you still want to achieve a tittie foot, I'll send you a link. Yeah. There's-- [LAUGHTER] But when she-- when she derrobed-- Yeah. --or declared, did you get excited? Did you take a step back and go, this isn't what I ordered. Yeah. I broke out in a small sweat. I said, it's not what I ordered. Yeah. How'd you get out of there? I fucking-- I paid. And I was like, pleasure meeting you. She went in for the kiss, and-- Yeah. You mean the headlock? Yeah. When she went in for the kiss, exactly what happened. She went in for the kiss, and I had enough time to, like, kind of think about it. So, I leaned back a little bit, and then I just looked away. Her eyes were closed, so I just looked and pretend I didn't see it. And then I looked back. And I was like, oh, hey, what? Just great meeting you. [LAUGHTER] Wow. She was like a red document. Yeah, that was it. It was a thumbs down for me, dog. It was a thumbs down. Wow. Wow. Tariq. Absolutely incredible. What size jokebook did you get last time you were on? You got a big one. All right. Well, there you go, then. Tariq Morales, everybody. Phone size, making all kinds of different jokebooks. Small, medium, large, summer black, summer brown, like Tariq. OK. So, things are moving along here, but I think we need to shift the momentum. I mean, wow. This has been Sancho Pancho, Mario, Robert Carolyn, Tariq. I'm going to say none of them really knocked. Knocked it out of the old fucking. Well, I disagreed. It's been my favorite soap. [LAUGHTER] It was so-- It was so-- I'm going to bring up one of our unbelievable regulars, ladies and gentlemen, to sage the room. He is fucking fantastic. Makes the noise for the great and powerful. The dark storm of Atlanta. This is Dedric Flynn, everybody. [MUSIC PLAYING] Uh, I hate way more. And I think on the reason we got these little self-driving-ass cars in Austin is 'cause there's not enough black people to go, "Uh-uh." [ Laughter ] I hate these little self-driving-ass cars 'cause they don't -- they don't leave a human factor in there. 'Cause if I'm drunk and I'm going home, who's going to wake me up in the Waymo? [ Laughter ] When you get drunk and you get into an Uber, the Uber driver wakes you up and they say, "Hey, sir." [ Laughter ] "You're at your house." [ Laughter ] You know who wakes you up in a Waymo? The Tempe police in Phoenix, Arizona. That's why I went to sleep in a Waymo. And these niggas were nice or kind at all. [ Laughter ] Take it from one example, one time -- 'cause I'm a heavy sleeper. That's why they was mad at me about waking me up in a Waymo. They said he couldn't wake me up for 30 minutes. [ Laughter ] One lady, one time, tried to wake me up. She couldn't wake me up. She took my phone, unlocked it with my face, and then called my mama. [ Laughter ] Niggah always up. Dad, you're pushing out of the plane. Niggah all woke up immediately. And I was like, "I'm so sorry. I started cleaning," 'cause I was a kid. [ Laughter ] When I was a kid, if your mama started whipping your siblings, if you cleaning, she's not gonna whip your ass too. [ Laughter ] It's all woke up. Just started doing pushups, cleaning, and then -- She was like, "How dare you let it, let it get in, really, really?" And the next day, I had to go to that same Uber lady place and then cut her grass and then wash her car. That's my time. They got some out of that to the plane. Ditch it. Wait. Two minutes of material, tons of punchlines throughout, cleansing the room of the debacle of the past four bucket poles. Oh, I'm so sorry. What are you apologizing for? The booking pools. Oh, yeah. Exactly. Great work, Ditch. That really happened, didn't it? Yes, it sounds real. I texted the Instagram the night after that. I apologized to the Tiffany police. And I was so scared the whole time, 'cause I was like, "When you drunk and they wake you up, you still lying when you wake up." And you're like, "Oh, I shouldn't have been lying this whole time." And the whole time, I was like, "I'll be fine. I'll just call Joe Rogan." That's right. Phoenix, "Tempi Police" love Joe Rogan. They do. They told me that when they was walking me to the Omni where I was. I just did a sold out show. I felt so bad. I didn't know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Timber Police, to the two officers. And I don't know your name. And the Instagram asked me that, too. They said, "Well, officers, I said, "Nigger, I told you I was drunk." [ Laughter ] That's amazing. That is incredible. I've never really thought about that. Falling asleep in a way, Moe. There's no real. I heard that they start playing music really loud. -I don't know. -Slip through that, too. They don't have good music. That's what fuck me up. 'Cause I had went -- I was leaving Rochester, New York. And then I had a 5am flight, so I stayed up, went to that flu, did two hours in "Tempi, Arizona." And I was. I expected to see my grandma. But my grandma was damning right now. And she's from. And she lives in "Tempi." And so I didn't know until after the show. So I got drunk, and I started hanging out, and I was starting getting sad. And I said, "You know, I'm a leave." And then I got in the way, Moe, and the way, Moe. They have suggestions for music, but none of them are good. -What are they? -Music that you listen to. [ Laughter ] -Dr. Phil music. Vertical horizon? -Sure. -She did. -I know, I know, Shanghai Twain. Don't play with me, baby. I'm right there. [ Laughter ] -Oh, yeah. Shanghai Twain. Mark Twain. -He listens to it all. -Sure. Yeah. Well, maybe next time I'll fuck around that way, Moe with you, and we can go get some fish sticks or something. Or not. Or you can just look at me and say, "We'll be right, Blake." You know? -That's right. [ Laughter ] -Well, don't do that again. That's terrible. -Dedrick. -I love those teeth. -Is there a specific song that would be on a way, Moe, if you needed music to wake up a black person that fell asleep in a way, Moe? -Yeah. -As our senior black correspondent, "What song would you pick?" -Uh, too short. [ Laughter ] -How does that go? -What too short song again? What do you -- It's -- I go on and on. Can't even say how last so long. -That's right. -I might have a super powers. That's 203,000. -That's as long as we can go without the copyright strike. So we get it. -You play that nigga. You can bring me out of the grade. -That is. [ Laughter ] -You play two short, nigga. I be bouncing. I bet they should have a heads playlist to wake me up. Don't let the -- Knock it on the window. That don't mean nothing to me. I'm from Atlanta. -We go to sleep the gunshots, nigga. That's not -- -Absolutely. -No. -Think Pancho Sancho. Listen to two short as well. [ Laughter ] -You live in Atlanta, too, don't you? -Yeah. -I live in New York. -I thought you was in Atlanta for a while. -For TV? -Uh, no. [ Laughter ] -Hey, Atlanta, this nigga's a liar. -That would be a great sketch on impractical jokers. You guys going around the streets of Atlanta telling each other what to say. [ Laughter ] Say -- Say hello, my friend. Do you have an extra wallet to the guy walking towards you right now? No, but I'm about to mother fuck up. See, I'm playing both roles in this. [ Laughter ] -That's great. -Dedrick, what is -- One of the more dangerous things you saw in your days in Atlanta. -Oh, man. [ Laughter ] Besides, my best friend getting shot in front of me. -This is to a club. [ Laughter ] -Oh, my goodness. -Sorry, we don't have -- -All right. -I had it. -All right. -The police don't come that fast in Atlanta right back. -All right. [ Laughter ] -Let's suck. Go ahead. -I saw with my own eyes. This is crazy. I was at a bar, and one dude walked up to another dude and asked that nigga for a chicken wing. [ Laughter ] And the dude was like, "Orde your own chicken wings." 'Cause he was like, "Yo, I bet you $25. I can eat your chicken wings faster than you." [ Laughter ] That doesn't work anywhere. [ Laughter ] He said, "You did a particular po-ass over there." And in that dude, I swear to God, this is the first time I've ever seen this in time. I'm like, "He had a sock attached to a string. It was like just a string with a knot on the end of it." And he started swinging around like it was a nunchuck. [ Laughter ] -There was something in the sock? -Yeah. -It was something that nigga was like, "But if you defend your wings in Atlanta, that's your honor." You know what I'm saying? Like. [ Laughter ] Asking for a nigga hot-wing in Atlanta is like asking to fuck somebody wife. -Right. -You know what I'm saying? Like, that shit is. And this nigga pulled out a gadget. He'd been waiting to play a sock with something in it at the end of a string. -You watch Lord of the Rings. You know what Sal wrong came out with that little chain thing and then nigga was like, "And nigga's fucking up the hills." -It was Lord of the Wing. [ Laughter ] -Lord of the Wings. -So, ladies and gentlemen. -That is tonight's fruit by the foot, joking enough. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] Just to summarize, the two craziest things you saw in Atlanta was your best friend getting gunned down in front of you. -Yeah. -And someone eating someone else's chicken wing. -Yeah. -And pulling out. -Deal. -So, there's a string, and then there's a sock that's in clothes. -There's like clothes. And he has like woven into like a bigger thing. -Wow. -It's like a knot. I don't know what you call it because I'm not from the medieval times. -Right. -You know what that is? -But that nigga had one of those. He was like, "How dare you." -Yes. -And then did he -- Did he -- He had him with them. -Oh, boy, did he. -Oh, my God. -And in the cops showed up, he said, "This nigga asked me for a wing." And the cops said, "We'll take him to jail." [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, that jerk. You're the best, man. Unbelievable. No asking for wings in Atlanta. -Don't ask for no other doing wings. That shit fucked up. [ Laughter ] -That's my new boys in the movie. Don't need you. -That's some wisdom. -What did you say? He said, "He's a demon." -Oh, my God. -That weapon sounds scary. -Yeah. -It's usually pennies. They put pennies in a sock. -Yeah. -Who's they, red band? [ Laughter ] -Who's they? Who's they, nigga? -You'll pay them. -Black people got quarters too, nigga. That's -- [ Cheers and applause ] I actually talk about that in my book chapter 35 black people have quarters Your local Barnes and Noble black people are people to Deadrick you rebuilt the momentum in the room. Thank you so much Flynn everybody with some tails from the streets Socks on the end of strings and many great things Your next bucket poll is a one word name anything can happen makes the noise for T. J. Everybody T. J. Oh my goodness. Hey, I just slept with my first white woman Hey, I'm glad you proud because my girl was pissed Real man, it's bad. I had never been a white woman before but I come fast. I bust quick Some people say premature. I like to say right on time But now since I put in my bus like instantly I was like my bad. I'm sorry. Oh my god. She said no Jerome. It's okay I said that's not my name But I like the energy though. It's real supportive. It's very supportive. This white woman though. She changed my life But she fucked me up. She fucked me so good. I drink IPA is now I'm real my homie him up. He was like you try to go to the club. I was like, no, now you want to go to the brewery? We play call holding Listen to tonight Twain Now but look before we start to have a sex she stopped me. She said what are your kinks? What are your kinks? I don't have any kinks though. She said she had a praise king Which like words the affirmation good girl shit like that. That's not me nigga. I don't think I did it right I was like oh You to go All right, that's my time. I'm out of time. It's a great set fantastic. You've been on this show before what yeah This went better than last time I bet right hell. Yeah, well welcome all of them. How long have you been on stand up? I just hit three years today. Today's your three-year anniversary. How about that amazing? What do you do for work? I'm electrician. Okay. Yeah, I get a bit five a.m. Every day I work like 10 hours When red bang goes to bed New job, right? Huh new job? No, no, I've been to work at Apple or something like that. Yeah, I mean Think you're thinking about one of them. Stay for the other day Amazing you ever get hit on when you're doing electrical work at a lady's house? No, I do like Industrial shit like Data centers and shit. Okay. It was one time though It was one time I went to a lady's house as a kindergarten teacher and she tried to sleep with me and my co-worker Yeah, yeah, I didn't do it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't pull it off, but Okay, I know nigger. I'm not happy about it. You work at a data center Yeah, I'm with the union. So I just get moving around. They just move me around. Do you know your data? Yeah I'm have what so okay your dad's white. Yeah, yeah white dad black mom. They still together. Hey, I know now Why do you think that ended? Do you think? Why do you think that happened? Do your brothers and sisters? Yeah? How old were you when they divorced? They they were never married. They were never No, no, I was like one, but you know Are you sure your dad's white? I swear to God. Okay. Why does he? All right, super white. Okay. Yeah And what does your dad do? He's a realtor and what is your mom do? Shit Okay, the documents come in and then Teja is an interesting name T.A.I.J.A. Does that mean something or Taijay. Oh, Tai and a Jay. Taijay Taijay your mom is black What I call target. Taijay. Okay. I bet nobody says that correctly. Right, right, possible to not say that based off of this spelling Taijay All right, Dr. Phil. Yeah, you mentioned the premature ejaculating when did that Begin and and how you how you how you treating it because I would have ventured to assume not many women Receiving that information or fired up, right and I know you may be finished So you're probably really used to hearing right now What I mean by that Taywan is is there is there something that you do to compensate right? So if you're gonna get if you're gonna bust your nut corn nut style, right? Yeah, and the girl still laying there like a dead fish being like Well, where's my fucking you know come you know? Where's my however? She says it, you know Yeah, what do you say to make her feel like it's not a waste of time? Hey, I gotta get out of here, but Wow, that's what your white father said Haha Some heads up you can last longer using blue chew gold to use the promo code Tony at blue chew dot com get 10% off That's blue chew dot com. I love it. That's right You really are like a union guy. You just do you leave before the job is done. Haha That is tonight's free to lay joke of the night Amazing tie J what else do you do? What do you do for fun? Oh? I don't really have a lot of time. I just go to work and then I do comedy Man, my brother's gay. Oh, shit. All right. What's his phone number? What does he do for work? What does he do for yeah, I think he like a library Some games you don't care hell. Yeah He's like one I need to hang around libraries a lot Homeless Amazing Tai J Tai J some interest that he did just bring his boyfriend home for the first time. Oh, let's talk about that No, did he brought he brought him home to your black mother to your white father to my white father Okay, how did white dad take that? Well, I mean, you know, he will be white dad How do white dad handle that? He you know, he's very supportive of a shit. He like he's supportive. I was mad Don't I was I ain't like right. What do you think your black mother would say about? Well, my my my my my my my my side. I got a sister in she gay. Oh Yeah, but she is stood. Oh, yeah, yeah, and then my brother on my dad's side. He like, you know Flamboyant flamboyant, yeah, okay. I would he's a tiger He's a he's a tiger. Yeah, he's a tiger area Was your brother's boyfriend a big fat white guy? No, no, no more like Tony's bill That's right one sixty-four point nine But I was mad because that nigga was ugly, right? That that's what pissed you up. Yeah, cuz I don't care if you get it Don't bring up you like ugly nigga. Oh Yeah, but you got to get hailed to the same standard. Yeah, yeah, he looked like he bite people I'm for real. He had a fucked up grill. It's bad Maybe your brother likes to last longer in bed, and it's easy to do with an ugly person Thank you. Yes, this is some of my tricks when I want to last long in bed. I hook up with an ugly man This shows out of control Did you get a big joke book last time? No, you're getting one tonight tight. Jay. There you go, buddy And it keeps on rolling onto the next one is the great GZ one said on to the next one your next bucket poll goes by the name of Greg McHowan Everybody here comes Greg McHowan Yo, what's going on? Killed Tony Yo recently I've been trying to date, but it's been very hard You with an Android phone because for some reason iPhone users always discriminate on me based off the color of my text messages You know, I mean it's always weird like every time in the club, and I'm trying to talk to a girl I feel like Martin Luther King. I'm like I have a dream that one day green messages in blue messages Will way they come together You know what I mean? It was great like I can imagine I'll have like a group of Android supporters behind me leaving the club They'll be chatting shit like green or blue. We don't care. Let us see your underwear like Shit's crazy across the street, you know, I'm saying you'll see like the Android supporters I mean the iPhone supporters they'll be saying shit like well if he ain't blue then he can't come through or shit like that You know what I mean? Holy shit -Oh, holy shit. -Okay, pretty sure that's his-- -This is crazy. -That's his closing line there, Greg McCowan. -That's that, he's got his-- -Greg, how you doing? Is this your first time on the show? -This is my first time on the show. -Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up? -But, two and a half years. Telling you about two and a half years. -Two and a half years. -Yes, sir. -I love it. And Ty J's your brother, is that correct? -I knew he looked familiar. He's long lost, long lost, you know? -That's right. That's right. -Greg McCowan. Okay, uh, two and a half years, you've been on stand up all here in Austin? -Uh, no, originally from Dallas. -Okay. -Really from Dallas. -What do you do for work? -Um, of course. -All these people like fake-ass jobs now. [ Laughter ] -Carly unemployed, aren't they? -Wings the last time you had a job? -Um, last year, 2025, the last month of 2025. -December? -Yes, that would be it. -It took a little minute. It took a little minute to collectively get it. -The last month of 2025. I think 2025 was a December. It landed on December. -Twenties were right. Correct, correct, correct. -Sometimes it's February. You never know when the last month's gonna be. What was the job that you had until December? -I worked as a customer service rep for, like, Spectrum. Basically, I was just calling people about their bills, trying to help them out and shit like that. -Calling people about their bills. -Yeah, Dr. Phil. -Yeah, I've recently been to too many Spectrum debacles. -Oh, hello. -So maybe we could do a little roleplay here and you could give me some confidence in -- -All right. -In the establishment. -All right. Up. -Your phone's ringing, Dr. Phil. -Hello. Who the fuck is this? [ Laughter ] It's 10 a.m. You better be on fire. -Thank you for calling. Thank you for calling. This is Spectrum Calling about your bill. It's been overdue for about three months now, so we're calling 'cause you have Mr. Payments, and we're trying to give you a little -- -You get to the fucking point, son. -We're basically trying to give you a heads-up to let you know that we'll be knocking something off your bill if we can get clicked right now. Click a little bit right now. -Don't talk to me like that. I don't know what you're saying. First of all, how did you get this number? -I'll start 69, your ass. -You start 69. We got your number on file. We saw that you have been missing a lot of payments or a lot of households. Apparently, you just haven't been paying you -- I don't know how you're not paying your bill. -Well, it's been a rough -- Ever heard of COVID, motherfuckers? [ Laughter ] -Well, you know what? I got you. I got you. This is what we'll do. Well, if you go ahead and pay 100 right now, you ain't even got to worry about the bill, dawg. You don't even worry about the shit. -All right. Let me call my friend, Redban, real quick. See if he can bid me 100 bucks. -Oh, Redban, pick up the phone. -Yes. -Hey, what's up? -What's up? -What's up, 257? -Oh, shit. [ Laughter ] -You know, I'm just here eating. -What? -Slam. [ Laughter ] -So, so, so, so, Redban, so he's the one where he got it. We got to get, we got to get the money from. So, so me and him are against you over there. -Is this a three-way call? What is happening right now? -You need to be fucking guy, yeah. -I'm a call-tunny. Oh, hello. -There's a fourth caller? Sorry, this is how we do things at the Phil House. [ Laughter ] I know you guys are spectrum thinking, "You're fucking one-on-one this shit." But I got a whole half-court grade to play, motherfucker. [ Laughter ] -You got a hole? -You're a play-to-pig-up game of 24-hour fitness. -Yeah, yeah. -You guys just chill up. -Yeah. -All right, go ahead, Tony. -How exactly did you lose that job? -Um, since being basically paying off a lot of people shit, like, just pushing through and shit like that, just, you know, helped some people out. -Okay. -They didn't like that shit. They didn't fuck with that shit at all. -Okay, so how much money do you have in your, uh, checking account right now? -Right now? -Yeah. -Fuck. [ Laughter ] -Well. -Just give us a ballpark. -Ballpark, about 10 bucks. -10 bucks. -10? -Okay, solid, 10. -When is rent due? What's your living situation? -Uh, currently, I live at the homeless shelter. That's, like, right down the street for me. -Oh, okay. -At art. -All right. This guy loves the homeless. -Um, he was supposed to-- -That's not as sad as having an Android phone. [ Laughter ] -How long have you lived at the shelter? -Uh, I've been in Austin for, probably, like, about a month now, so I'm a month. -Okay. -Yeah. -And what are-- how are we going to-- Wait, you can move from Dallas. So you had a living situation in Dallas. You're sacrificing it all for stand-up comedy, right? -A new comedy. -Okay. How much material do you think you have altogether if you were to do your longest set? We just saw your Android material tonight. -Uh, I would probably say between 10 to 15. -10 to 15. -10 to 15. -Okay. -So what can you do? Like, what kind of job can you be good at? -Uh, customer service, anything, sales-reslated. Anything just dealing with talking to people is-- -Felt the fucking test! -What was that? -You failed the test. -Wow, it's strange. -Okay. What's that-- what's that from? Antonio, what? Oh, Antonio Brown. That's right. Okay, that's a deep cut. All right. That happened on this show? -Holy shit. -All right. I'm about to have to hire a brand-new keyboard player. -Oh, shit. -You got to play with my keyboard? -I don't know. I can make some work. I don't know. -I'm just kidding. -He's seeing pretty solid back there, don't I? -I'm kidding. He's not going anywhere. -What sort of food do they serve you at the shelter? -Shit, literally. Um, literally. They serve like scrambled eggs, regular shit, you know. Sometimes they do a little chicken bolognese, you know. Sometimes chicken bolognese. -Amazing. I've never even heard of that before. That sounds like it. -Who's throwing in this? -Well, you notice how he said bolognese, not bolognese, yeah? It's like the dollar store spaghetti. -Yeah. It's chicken and mayonnaise shaped into a ball. It's chicken bolognese. -Well, it's real good. It's real good. -It's not bad, yeah. -Yeah. -Food is food at some point. -Oh, hell, yeah. -Well, how do you make friends there? You're a pretty, you know, Chumigat. -Yeah. -Dock met some people since I've been out here in Austin there. -Dr. Phil has a great point. Very rarely do we get to talk to anybody in the flesh about living in the homeless shelter. So kind of take us through what might surprise a normal person. They're like, "Um, shit, man. Where the fuck do I start?" -So it's kind of like a cot, cold. It's a cold cot of three bullshit meals. If you can call it that, occasional fights, you know, a lot of crack head energy. You know, you see people in the corners, sniffing cocaine, and, you know. -But you don't do drugs? -No, no, no, I don't do drugs. -Okay. -I watch them do drugs. I'm an observer, Tony. I watch them do drugs, and they do it in such a terrible fashion. But, you know, they do what they do. They do what they do. -Um, okay. All right. Well, um, Greg McCowell. -Easy women, right? Like. -Uh, do you ever get laid at the homeless shelter? -Got laid outside of the homeless shelter, yeah. -In a bush? -Sure. -And then, like, yeah, near a tree. -Okay. -You got to find it any way you can get it. -All right. -Talk about that in my poll. -It's like that's crazy. -Chapter 47. Pussy's a pussy. -Old pussy bush. - Depending on what year it is. -All right. -So, you have family in Dallas? -Yeah, I have family in Dallas. -And did they just not. Did they kind of, like, kick you out and tell you to go do your own thing? Or was it moving the Austin to a homeless shelter your own idea? -Uh, no. Actually, they didn't kick me out. I just kind of just left on my own. I was just like, "I'm just gonna do it. I'm all in for it." -How old are you? 29. -I just turned 29 on the 31st. -Okay. -Yeah. -31st of the last month of the year. -Yeah, of some. of some month. -First month of the year. -All right. Happy birthday. -Precious. -Does the shelter do anything? They give you, like, a cupcake or something like that? -Uh, no, no, no. Nothing at all. Nothing. -Damn. This is all so interesting. Fuck. Yep. Well, we don't have any, like, sales jobs or anything or anything like that. So, this is gonna be one of the saddest endings to an interview in the history of the show. -So, she got a job offer. -Yeah, she raised their hands. -She definitely, she's been wasted for two hours. That is not the place to find hope, my friend. -You think you could sell nachos? -I think I could sell nachos. I can still fuck out of some nachos, though. -Greg McHowan, I'll tell you what, you have a lot of work to do. So, here's a big joke book just to fill it up. Just to have something. Words comes to a word, sell it, double your network. -Yeah. There he goes. Greg McHowan, everybody. There goes Greg. Yeah, let's do that. Let's go with one of our golden ticket winners who's here to pop in, just visiting Swinging by in town. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from Jack Shaw. Everybody, here he is. It's Jack Shaw. Ever since getting on this show, I have never been called autistic more in my entire life. When I say autistic, they're saying retarded a lot. And when I say they, I mean my dad. This guy, he won't stop saying it. I'm just Jewish, man. I'm just fucking. I mean, I'm so Jewish, I have family on both sides. with Epstein and Schindler's list, dude. (audience laughing) You know, I realize there's a lot of similarities between autism and Judaism, dude, there are. Like, there are, man. Like, I mean, we're both loud, we're prone to nervousness, we're very socially, y'all, shut the fuck up, dude. We're, okay. No, we're very anxious people. We can be obsessive, but I realize the number one difference between autism and Judaism is that Jews don't like trains. (audience laughing) Thank you guys so much. (audience cheering) Jack, shout. You people really do come out and just say that you're Jewish. (laughing) I've always wondered what you were. (laughing) Just kidding. Great fits them in. So the last guy worked for Spectrum, and you're on? I'm on. There you go. It's come full circle, just like a choo choo train, if you will. Jack, bye. That was funnier than you guys gave a credit for. (laughing) We're a Juju train. Yeah, yeah, yeah. (audience cheering) Don't play that, don't play that sound, please. There you go. There's a little something to cleanse the bones. (audience laughing) (laughing) Jack, how's life been going? Dude, it's been going great. The last time I was on the show, Joe Rogan told me to do some props. So I bought some fucking props tonight. You had some successful props last time you were on. It's a show, let's fuck it. Who's ready for some Juju props, huh? (audience cheering) It's Juju props. (audience cheering) Actually, no, that makes sense. This first one is to make your Jewish friends feel comfortable at Christmas. (laughing) Wow. Good. (audience cheering) I love it. Hey. Juju props. We're talking Juju props. My dad really doesn't want me to do this one, but this is a Hasidic gas mask. Oh god, dude. Oh, you got it. God, dude. We'll picture it. Oh fuck. Yeah, just put it on. Put AI on the fuck, fuck. Just do it, do it. Do it like it works. And then put the thing over your head in seconds. This is a Hasidic gas mask. A Hasidic gas mask, everybody. There you go. All right, yeah, that's-- He said it, not me, by the way. This one, this is an ancient dip pick. Uh-huh. (laughing) That's my dip, dude. That's-- (audience laughing) What sucks, if anyone has a pig at home and that pig gets hurt, how about some oink-man? Oink-man. Wow, that's the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life. Jew props, we're talking Jew props. We're talking Jew props. He's doing the Jew props. Jew props. Uh-uh, fuck. This is a drawing by Team Madness, I thought that was pretty-- (audience laughing) I think that's pretty good. (laughing) It looks great. That's amazing. Great stuff. Great. Yeah, this is health insurance for health care CEO. (audience laughing) Ah, bullet proof best. All right. I'm going moxtop. Put up a-- This is a, um-- This is Lego upstein Island, everybody. Um, this is-- (audience cheering) I thought that was gonna go so much better. What the-- Jesus Christ. All right, well, we have an expansion pack with Donald Trump and Bill Clinton. I think-- (audience laughing) All right, Trump was the never on the island, but keep going. All right, Clinton was-- I've been hooking. 55 times. What's that one? Steven Hawking. Yes, he was there. Goddamn it. That's right. Okay, well, you know we tried it. That's right. I'm like, "Shot, lips in LA," so they will-- They will never let it go. That Trump was never on Epstein Island. Just a fun fact, but he was never there. (audience applauding) Okay, well, that didn't go great. (laughing) It's like, "Cowball cano." It's a little like, "Carrot stop." (laughing) (audience laughing) Dude, that's what I wanted to ask. Carrot, I was hoping Carrot stop would be here so I could ask him for some mentorship. So Carrot stop, I'll be Carrot bottom right here. Whoa. You were ready for that. Yeah. That's amazing. Hey, you want this, you want this? Wow. That's a lot of, that's a lot of red pew. You want this? You can't have it. All right. I'll trade you. Oh, okay, thank you. There you go. I can't use this. You can use that. (audience laughing) You can-- You can leave it yourself, Jen. If I scrunch it down in a pot, that's fine. You could just put your whole body into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Put it over my head to see y'all. That's-- One full pot-- a pot of sunshine. Take your time, sound it out. A pot of sunshine, be a-- Jack, it turns out we love good and bad props here. I loved it. Makes the noise one more time for Jack Shaw, everybody. (audience applauding) What a hoot. There he goes. The lovely Jack Shaw. Back to the bucket we go. This name came from the inside. Makes the noise for BHC Tommy. BHC Tommy. (audience applauding) Last Christmas, a corpus Christi coroner was in court for having intercourse with corpses. And they said it was the best sex ever. Magical even? Abracadabra, if you will. (audience laughing) Now that's what I call Netflix and "chilled." (audience laughing) There's a burial plot to us. The offender's actually a woman. Thank the Lord for Rigor Mortis. (audience laughing) She testified that her favorite movies are die hard and rise to the living dead. In related news, a local drive by shooting at 12 casualties. That means she was down there gangbang and gangbangers. (audience laughing) It was crypts and blood everywhere with no regard for human life, 'cause there wasn't any. She's also facing sexual battery charges. Literally, because she had jumper cables hooked up to their nipples. (audience laughing) Here's the real shocker. She only got caught because she got pregnant. The dumbass was out there raw dog in zombies, which she should have been using the Twilight birth control method. That's when you bang only vampires. And it works because a vampire can't come inside anywhere without permission first. (audience laughing) Thank you. (audience applauding) Okay, B.H.C. Tommy. Uh. (audience laughing) There was a lot there. There was, I mean, there may have been so many, you had so many attempts. You had so many jokes. And only that one at the end. I don't know what the 12 people that laughed at that one saw in the vampire thing. Maybe I'm missing it. Saw volcano. It's, I think, as Wayne Gretzie said, you miss all 100 attempts that you take. (audience laughing) No, I appreciate that. That was the most dense minute I've ever seen on this show. And what you did was you really hitched your way into one thing. And so once it, you know, when you know what it is, when you came out, the setup was, you got into it so quickly I almost kind of was a little bit like confused. Well, it's part of a bigger set that's not quite a minute, so I just try to. Is that your thing? Do you just have jokes about like fucking dead corpses and stuff? (audience laughing) Well, I mean, the only thing stiff about my little, my little life is the competition. There's another one. Oh, how's that? B.H.C. Tommy, how long have you been doing stand up? I've been chasing this selective least since last February. Okay. Chasing this selectively. What are you waiting to say? I'm not really doing it. Yeah. Bro, you are gonna make it. That's what you guys do when you really want something. You chase it selectively. Yes. Yeah, what do you mean by chasing selectively? I'll take us through your workout. So. So I've been a fan of the show for a couple of years. So I started chasing the bucket last February. And chasing the bucket. It sounds like a Judy Bloom book that never made the cut. Chasing the book. Are you there, God? Yeah. So, and I've done some mics and some practicing to get ready for this because it would be insane to come up here with zero mic. I agree. I agree. And especially if you did that while on mushrooms at the age of 60, that would be insane and it happened here tonight. Okay, so BHC Tommy, how are you? I'm old, Tony. Oh, 43. 43, what do you do for work? I work with marine construction. Marine construction. You mean. We build beaches. You build beaches. Yes. It's a thing, it's dredging. So we have a boat that basically has a drag head that sucks up all the material. And then we pump it to the beach and the beach constructs the beach. Wow. And then Redban washes up on it and that's how you find a Redban. Okay, BHC Tommy. So how long have you been doing that for? About seven years. Anything crazy ever happened when you're out there dredging. Yes, but I'm not really allowed to talk about it too much just because it's government contracting and whatnot. But I mean, it's kind of like you were a background player on that show. Let me give you an answer that you get. And we find like, we find explosives and like civil warhead missiles and stuff. And this is mostly up the coast of Texas. We do do work. You do do? Okay, and free port. But I've been working mostly in New Jersey. Oh, I can't even imagine what you find. in New Jersey. How long has your hair-- how long has that been? How long? Oh, it looks like your barber was chasing your head selectively. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's good. Dr. Phil, oh, shit, there he is. Mr. McGraw. Now, that's a joke, because I can't pull it off. So I'm obviously deflecting and admiring. But also, judging. When I go to the barber, I just say-- I say, make it look like GIG on this side and barbie on this side. Oh, he's killing it. But for real, how long have you had it like that? Probably like 18 months, too much. So it's a new acquisition. What made you want to go with that? I mean, I've always had the mohawk on the side, but I haven't had a few plays hockey. And he's got the flow and the mullet, so kind of grew it out together. That's cute. OK. Why BHC, Tommy? What does the BHC mean? So BHC has just been my handle for all my social media ever since, like, Aila and a messenger. It's just a nickname. Bang and hot corpses. Sometimes. Oh, fist bump. Hey, I want to play. I want to play Big Harry Cuck. Wow. Sal, your turn. So it really stands for Big Hater Company, because I hate on shit all the time. Like, I just talk shit. Wow. What do you hate on? I mean, I'm just a troll in general. Like, I just-- [INAUDIBLE] Oh, geez. It's Christ. This fucking broad. I'd be hating Kuchee, I think, is what she said. All right. BHC comedy. Here's a little joke book from the great Bones Eye. Keep trying. Keep selectively chasing your dreams. [APPLAUSE] There he goes. BHC, Tommy. Some people just try. Some people just hope for the best. You gotta try. If you don't first succeed, you know, well, maybe figure do something else. Is that in the book? Chapter four. You said of a bitch. Your next bucket book goes by the name of a Lorenzo Tyree. Everybody. So I don't do one-eyed stands anymore. I do two-night stands. Otherwise, it looks-- it makes the bedroom look uneven. Yeah, last time I hooked up with the girls on Sixth Street and she takes me home. I'm super drunk. She's super high, you know. We start Mac and as soon as we walk through the door. And I go down on her. I don't know why I was just in the moment. I go down on her. I'm horny, that's why. But I'm-- yeah, she stops me. I'm like, oh shit, is she on her period? No. Like, is she trans? No. She told me she had a DUI. Or that's why I thought I heard, you know? And I'm like, why'd you-- why'd you tell me this now? You drove us here and then you're going to tell me that? This fucking crazy. But she tells me-- no, no, no. A VYI, I'm like, VY, what the fuck's a VYI? She has vaginal yeast infection. I was like, yeah, I'll take the mag, you can keep the cheese. Thank you, my name's Laurence Tyree. All right, Lorenzo Tyree. Lorenzo, have you been on this show before? Yeah, they're time. They're time. What? They're time. They're time. They're certainly welcome. How's it going, man? Oh. Man, pretty good, I didn't expect it tonight. I was drinking a pitcher of that good stuff. Yeah, tequila, pineapples. You had a pitcher of tequila pineapples? Yes, yes. You think that was a good idea? Yeah, I was like, you know, it's your own night. I love being hang out with other comedians. It would be fun. OK. Are you just second on Viv from Fresh Principle Air? I am not. All right, let's make it small talk. Thanks, Dr. Phil. Thanks. It isn't credible. Yeah, I like your-- I do want to say, you know, the-- a lot of sexual content tonight, which is fair. It's a relatable topic. It's something we're all going through and trying to figure out. But you said a second stand. So you are out there trying to grease the wheels quite often, yeah? Well, it's just simple, yes or no question. You're an active preseason for what? W-N-B-A? The fuck are you talking about? You look like a giant lesbian, Lorenzo. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. Somehow, you look like every character from Sesame Street at once. It is so crazy. Ladies, any stud likeers out here? This guy's built like a fucking palm tree. Look at this guy. Oh, my god. Tequila pineapples. Do you ever make jokes about your appearance? Because that is a one way to get the crowd on your side, right? So be self-deprecating right out of the gate. Yeah, I got a couple. That's a couple. Yeah. I missed last season because I was in a Russian prison. See, that's Alaska. That's why-- yeah, Alaska's basically a Russian prison. All right. Lorenzo, what do you do for living? Mainly work a smoke shop job right now. I also work fireworks in Alaska. You what? I work with-- I do fireworks out there. You work with fireworks? Yeah. What do you exactly do with fireworks? Cargo containers come in with full of fireworks. Where are they coming from? China? Yeah, I think so. You don't know where they're coming from? Well, who else makes fireworks, Tony? I'm asking you. You're the one that works in the fucking business. Lorenzo. Jesus Christ, the attitude on these children nowadays. Fucking people. It's unbelievable. Lorenzo, anything happened interesting in your life since the last time you were on the show? Me and my girlfriend separated. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] How long were you with her for? I met her in May of last year. They dated her in August to January. OK. You just named a bunch of months. They didn't get a single answer out of you. Perfect. What made this separation happen? They were just-- they weren't anymore fireworks. The fireworks went out. I'll be here for the rest of the evening. What made you separate? I just think we're two different, you know. Not the any-ing type either. What do you mean? Two different. Isn't she a woman as well? [LAUGHTER] I like working out. She really didn't. Long-term, that's-- you know, I need that in the end of the future. Going out, I didn't. She's like, what? Going out. I didn't like going out. You're a homebody. Kind of. I go out for mics and stuff like that, but I like to be up too often. I get really drunk sometimes. It sounds like you do that a lot. If you drink a pitcher of tequila pineapple before the opportunity of a lifetime, I'm pretty sure you might have a drinking problem. Sorry, grandma. Um, what? That's his closer. That's how he signs off his sets. Sorry. That's my time. Sorry, grandma. Yep. I'm actually not mad about it. It's a little bit better than buckle up. They're in the same department store, though. Lorenzo, we're going to keep it moving along. There goes Lorenzo Tyree, everybody. There he goes. You got nothing but little joke books, right? I'm guessing. A little in medium. OK, little medium next time. Keep it in moving along. Make some noise for Sion Lazar out of the bucket. Go. You drunk ass motherfucker. Jesus Christ. Sion Lazar. He thought it was one of those AMB doors, you know? When it looks automatic, Kurt. Hold on a second. Hold on. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You just missed something crazy. I don't know if you guys heard, but Dr. Phil just said he thought it was one of those gas station doors. He stood there waiting. Let's reset. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Killtony debut. I do believe one more time for Sion Lazar, everybody. Well, I just came from Shanghai. I'm sorry if some of my humor doesn't land, but I'm used to talking to people who don't speak English. So if you don't mind, I'm going to talk a little bit about some Chinese problems. If you people think that they don't drive well over here, you should see how they walk. There's this one guy who walked into me about 10 times. It's kind of like those remote cars when they bump into something. They don't even look up from their phone. They just keep on bouncing into your ass until they just burn out. The other problem is they got a lot of metrosexuals out there. Does anyone know what a metrosexual is? If you don't know what a metros-- (audience laughing) Calm down, Americans, calm down. (audience laughing) Stand on your head and calm down. Like the police say. So put your hands in the air, stand on your head and calm down. No, calm down, sir. You need to go, no. What they do is in the metro, if you're walking around and you don't know what a metro sexual is, just watch who's bouncing off of the poles. (audience laughing) All right. That's I on. Thank you guys. I'm Cyan. Where are you from? I'm originally actually from Texas, but I lived most of my life in Mediterranean. In the Mediterranean Sea? In Mediterranean area, yeah, Greece. How old were you when you moved to the Mediterranean Sea? 19. 19. And how old are you now? I'm 34. 34. So. (audience laughing) Oh my God. 15 years. Fuck you. In 15 years. Okay, guys, jeez. I see why you moved to the Mediterranean. Fucking drunk Latinos everywhere. So in 15 years, you, that you're saying that that accent's like real? Well, you work on it, you know, it's not perfect, but you polish it and you sleep on it and it is what it is. I don't know what to say. No, I think you're reversed. I think he's saying that the accent you have now, you're, what you're saying. Yeah. Oh yeah, he thinks. He's fair with me, yeah. You think that he's saying that you're trying to achieve a better American accent and you're working on that. He's saying that you lived here for 19 straight years first and definitely didn't speak the way you're speaking now. And then you picked up a heavy accent from the Mediterranean over the last 15 years, which is peculiar, yes. This is like me coming back from the two-week vacation I took last year in a room and me coming back like, how's everybody doing? Oh, I don't even know what you talk about. I have to go to be a home to an American. He's like, how you say cucumber? If you understand me, you know, I don't-- You hear this, a mature sexual. I've been in the Mediterranean for about 15 years. I was born in Texas. Can't you hear the Texas in a me accent? Oh, which-- I am from a Texas, and we like a thing to be. And I'm an English teacher, by the way. It's the worst thing. I was born with a barbecue, a fly, like a wings. You never ask another man for a wing. Book it the maple. Fuck the dog, we went out of the owner. And then it rump into something. But wait, wait, wait, wait, what the fuck was that? They only-- accent they know is Italian. It's a strange-- Sorry, grandma. Well, I mean-- (laughing) These two are seals. If you got a rhythm, they continue, gentlemen. I'm enjoying myself, too. So the accent, you would label that more as Greek? Not probably more Israeli, actually. OK. I speak Hebrew. I speak a little Greek in Turkish, too. OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't take him long to bring it up, did he? (laughing) Go back. Yeah, baby. He's back. It's dog. If you ask, you're going to hog. That is tonight's Honey Not Cheerios joke of the neck. Wow. So, Sion, I got to give you credit out of all the interviews out of the bucket I've had tonight. You do seem like the most interesting. You're answering questions. It seems, though, you have some life experience. What have you been doing over there? What made you leave Texas and go to the Mediterranean? Oh, well, I teach English. (laughing) I focus on the adjectives more than the nouns. If that makes any sense, this is incredible. (laughing) But not the pronouns. Over in America, things are very strange. Pronoun-wise. Go on. Tell us about that. Tell us about that. You have global knowledge. It's good what you're saying so that Americans can hear it. Go ahead. Well, so you see, you have the he, and then you have the she. But sometimes, in certain circumstances, the she, or usually the he, will decide that he would like to try the other side. So he looks up a doctor, and the doctor says, "Turn around." And then he examines the size. That's the first thing. And if it's too large, then he needs special equipment. But sometimes, it's minimal. It's nominal. And in that case, he just says, "Continue with what you're doing, put on a little lipstick, and you're good to go." Anyway, to the bride and groom. Yes. (audience cheering) Worst wedding speech of all time. Can you imagine your best friend's getting married, and he's up here going, "Hey, let's get the toad, let's get the, go to meet Zelda in the parking lot for some rubbing toads." The fuck was that? I'm a sorry, I drank a picture of a tequila by a napola. (audience laughing) That is true. It is not the direction I thought things were going to go, but I found it hypnotizing. So you teach English in all those different places, and you kind of just go wherever you want. Yeah. Well, yes, that's the, that's the way it is. It's kind of addictive, actually. Once you start traveling, you just can't stop. You just keep running away forever, and you convince people that this is the way Americans speak. So wherever I'm teaching, they're going to talk like me. And wherever you're teaching, you're going to talk like them. You have to assimilate. Hell yeah. I don't want to be a racist. I say this is the one contestant tonight, panelists. Yeah. What do we call them? Bucket pool. Bucket pool that looks like he gets pussy. That is true. Or dick. Do you do well? I've seen one or two, it's not true. You, you, you, you present like everything you're saying is so much more important than it really is. Yeah. It's fit. And I, you might not think it's funny. I'm going to go over that. I asked you. You got me hooked. I'm like, what, what, what happens to the he and the she? It comes from Genesis chapter six, and they knew that they were naked, and they hid themselves in the God. God agrees. We are getting worried that God agrees with you. I'm nibbling on Christians, Christians, where the fucking Christians? I'll go. Sion. Go ahead, Dr. Phil. Do you, do you, uh, uh, drugs? Excuse me? Do you, do you drug like, are you a casual weed smoker? No, no. I live in China. They kill you for that. You live in China now, too? That's the death penalty. Yeah, I live in China now. Oh, I live in China. So I live in China so long, I talk like, didn't know, I teach English. What's up? Can you imagine, have you ever heard a white guy with a Chinese accent? This guy was born in fucking Texas. It could happen. And I wanted to join, would you say, if there's any Chinese people, you know what I'm talking about. Yeah, we have a very small Chinese. How dare you say, there's Chinese people in Texas? I talk about that I'm not here. Is this a clan meeting, what the? All right. Sion, rely on it. Excuse me. Excuse me. A Wu Tang clan meeting, perhaps. Um, okay. So Sion. All right. Uh, what does Sion mean? Sion, it's like, uh, Sion in English. So, oh, you are, you are Jewish? I don't know. Yeah. Okay, that's enough. There you go. Get down. I don't know your God. He said, buckle up in Hebrew. Tomato, tomato, ray, romano, you know what I'm saying? If I killed your gods, don't mess with me. What the fuck about that in this book? All right. All right. If we killed God seriously, do you want to mess with the guy who killed God? I'm just saying. Yeah. Is that what you use on a first date? Yeah. What are you seeing, too, Pus? If they come at me with you killed God, I'm like, so why do you want to fuck with the motherfucker who killed God? Yeah. It's pretty badass if you ask me. All right. All right, all right. I'm sorry. Like, you don't, you put it on me. You put it on me. If I, I got killed, I'm going to put that on my fucking sweatshirt. Yeah. Here you go. Here's a medium sized jokebook, Sion. Oh, thank you. Sion. There he goes. Everybody. There he goes. Thank you. Thank you for the conversation. All right. Those doors will open up automatically if you just stand in a lot of handshakes. All right. There he goes. There they go. Thank you. One more time for Sion, everybody. All right. Okay. We have one last bucket poll. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Leila Engles, everybody. We know Leila. She's been on this show before. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi, guys. Hey, mother ship, it's going to be here, I've always had a nervous energy about me my whole life. But stand up has helped me a lot. It's been a huge confidence boost. Sometimes after I get off stage. now people come up to me and they'll be like, "Laila, great set." And that makes me feel good because they're just becups. Okay, six, six, six. A little bit about me. I can't watch Kevin Bacon movies with my dad. He's Muslim. I have been single now for like 13 or 14 months. I don't remember exactly. I'll have to recount the slits on my wrist. It's been 14. I was with a guy for six years and then after six years he told me he needed blonde hair and big boobs to come. And I was like, "Well, we can dye your hair." Okay, thank you, thank you, thank you. Laila Ingalls. Welcome back, Laila. How's it going? It's going good. It's going good. Are you going to say something else there? No, it's going good. I just wish I had time to finish my joke. I'm sorry. Did you want to do it? Just do it. Really? It's been a long. How long is it? It'll be no more than 40 seconds. Okay, there you go. All right, sure. Let's do it. What do we got to lose at this point? Laila, go right ahead. He told me he needed blonde hair and big boobs to come. And I was like, "Well, we can dye your hair." And then I felt like the meow interrupted it. But you know, I'll be quiet now. Okay. There's just something in the air tonight. All right, Laila. That's one way to do it. Laila. Okay, welcome. Welcome back. It's been a while since you've been on this show. It's been about a year, right? I think it's been two years now. There you go. How's life been going? If I remember correctly, you lived in Ohio? Yes, yes. I still kind of live there, but I'm more like a Vagabond. Is that what it's called? It's called Vagacil. Vagabond. Vagacil with an S. What do you think? What do you think that means? I think it's Vagacil. I think I'm meant to say Vagabond. Yeah. But I made it sound like vagina and bondage. But it just means I don't have a home. Okay. What's your living situation then? I just, I go where the shows are. So I just travel as many places I can, doing as many shows as I can. And then when I am in Ohio, I'm staying at my mom's house. So where do you stay when you're, say, here? You have like friends? I'm at an Airbnb. All right. That's better than 90% of tonight's bucket pool. So that's fantastic. Where do you get the money to do things like that? Do you have a job? I have, yeah, yeah. It's a, that's a yes. You know how only fans does those specials now? Yep. Dr. Phil pass. I mean, I've heard of that. Dr. Phil. My most age is going to fall. mustache holding on by a thread over here. So Laila, you're on only fans. Yes. Okay. What do you do on only fans? Oh god. What types of things do you do? One of the panelists, I'm not going to say who, but they want to know if there's perhaps some picks of your feet on there. No, I'm not going to name any names. No, I'm really insecure about my feet. Those aren't depicted. Oh, wow. Makes it hotter. Red band. Red band. That is disgusting. He said it makes it hotter because she's embarrassed about her feet. Greg tech. Greg doesn't make it hotter. More layers to better. I like, I like going to ask him. Wow. Okay. So Laila, what exactly are you doing on only fans? It started out very wholesome. You know, always does. I would post like stand-up clips, you know, like I would just run jokes by only fans. And then if it was getting like laughing faces and people liked it, I got the confidence to put it on Instagram. But I would just post stand-up clips and then be like, get your tits out. If you're not doing anal, we won't listen. Well, in my defense, I was drunk when I wrote that. But I, but I didn't, it doesn't mean I didn't mean it. But I take it back because you're very funny live in the flesh. For real. Thanks. Well, we're thing to do to workshop your jokes on a porn side. No, I know. I've always thought it's so weird that only fans wanted to re-brand because, you know, like they want to do like a sports channel. Right. They want to get out of the porn business and they have a cooking channel. You know, whenever you want to learn how to marinate a steak, you go to a porn hub. Right. So I think it's, uh, yeah, if you want to make some ball of an age, you go to a homeless shelter. Chicken, ball and age. Delicious. Do you have a QR code or anything? It's so easy. Just your stand-up on only fans. It really started that way. Uh-huh. I was getting so discouraged. Every comedy post I would make, they would just really wanted me to take my clothes off. And you're surprised by this. I was surprised. I was like, "Oh, it's a comedy, only fans." So what is it now? Answer the question, like, what is it now? What does it become? Like, what are you doing right now on that? Speak. Just tell us. What are you doing on there right now? If we went on there right now and paid, what would we see? Oh my God. You're like, God. What is it? What is it evolved to? It, uh, so now I have taken my clothes off. I haven't spread anything though. It doesn't, the flower hasn't blossomed. Okay. I'm so uncomfortable. Why? It's your life. You're the one on it. You're actually about to make vast sums of money. Now that you're talking about your only fans on the show. I know. I am extremely blessed. It's the reason I can afford to, like, go places and get air and B&Bs and not have to sleep on couches every night. So I am very blessed, but I'm just not, like, a, like, a real, like, sexy energy. Are you shaved? A red band. Red band. You can't ask female comedians questions like that. We're giving these people the opportunity of a lifetime. And this show is built to give people a chance to live their dream. Are you shaved? Oh, I'm kidding. I'm joking. It's a thing we do. Anyway, they, they have, uh, requested that I keep a blush. Wow. Look at that. See you, the, who's the? The cast of a book in space jam? I feel like it's going to be you and Sal after this. Well, no, I'm happily married, but I appreciate the thought. I do like your sweater. Let me ask you this. Do they ask you? Do they ever? Do they ask you something so weird that you're like, I can't even do that? Or is it all pretty hunky-dory? Yeah. I mean, I have gotten requested to, like, if I could, like, jerk off a dildo with my feet and stuff. And I'm like, it doesn't even have skin to move. Oh, my God. Again, when I wrote that, I thought that I was being playful and, uh, Joviel. Joviel. Joviel's the word. Looking for you. But, you know, take a hundred percent of the shots. You know, what is it? Grisky? Yeah. You miss 100 percent of the shots you say. We're moving on, Sal. Yes. So you were like on only events and you were like, oh, you know, I have to check and see the 13 and 14. I have to check my wrists. And they were like, jerk off a dildo with your feet. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's for real. When I was contracted with only fans, part of the contract was you had to go live twice a month. And so then it would just be me talking about like, how comedy's going and my life? And then one day I was kind of sad. And I was like, guys, I'm kind of sad today. And then they're like, so do you do customs? And it's just, it's a lot, they don't give a fuck. It's a joke to try to do anything other than sex stuff on only fans. They're not going to have me back after this. I think you're going to be just fine. I think you've up the anti. Well, you said you haven't spread your wings. And then you said yet, is there, is there a date we're all looking forward to? Is there a big payoff? I don't want to say, like, I don't want to say I'll never do anything because I've already done way more than I ever thought I would. Like what? We know what you haven't done. You haven't spread it. Yeah. But what have you done? What could someone, let's say, one of the millions of people watching this? What have you done? It's a fair question. Let me remind you, you could have gotten a fucking job like everybody else did. But you wanted to take the easiest possible route, which is posting clips of your standup on only fans. You've signed a deal. and things got a little wild after you started reading what people were writing you. So what's the most extreme thing you've done? Oh my god. It's really not bad. I was just wearing a nice dress, you know. It's a fully nice dress, much like the ladies here. Slow. And I was. And then pay any attention to the fucking weeble on the clock. Go ahead. I rolled a blunt on my bed kind of bending over. And then once the blunt was rolled, I put a big jacket on. And I went outside to smoke it because it was cold outside. And then I went back in my room and then I took the jacket off. And then I took everything off. Even the blunt paper off the weed or. And then I kind of just like rolled around on my bed like oh does this look sexy? And then I. This was a stand-up? Oh this was the. How much do people throw at you for that? Because that's, I mean, good on you, by the way. I mean, you know, people want to pay and, you know, you got to give it, you know, it's. But I support taking advantage of perverts, you know. Yeah, so good on. Well, yeah, I mean, it's literally the reason why I'm able to like get better at stand-up and stuff. Right. I can wake up and write and then hit mics every night, do shows as much as I can. And like, don't have to worry about money. So, I'm using it to chase my passion. And you just have to go live twice a month? Is that the. That when I was on the contract. I'm not on the contract anymore, so I can post as little or as much as I want. How often is that? Right now, I probably post like twice a month. Okay. All right. It ranges from like 30 to 35 for a post, you're not angry on there. I'm scared. So, do you have like an only fan's name or is it your name? It's me. It's my name, yeah. Wow. No alias. Right. Yeah. For those of you watching the show, that's L-E-Y-L-A-I-N-G-A-L-L-S. We're trying to. We're trying to get you some money. I appreciate it. Yeah. It is a mind-fuck to me because for about a year now, I've been in the top 0.51 percent of all content creators on only fans. Wow. And it freaks me out because it's like me and then the top porn stars and they like are doing anal and stuff and. Well, that's overrated. You go get there. We support small business here too. Redban. Getting awfully chatty on this bucket pool. You're gonna invite her to this secret show or are you gonna pretend like you're shy about it already? I already know from her only fan bot that she's out of town Thursday. So, next time. Is that true? I am out of town on Thursday. Oh my god. Hey, I've got an idea. Oh, Doctor Phil. Well, a good friend of mine, Adam Ray, Jew. He's gonna be here, headlining the mothership this weekend. You wanna do a guest bottle, one of the shows? Oh my god, I would look. There you go. Wow. Look at that. Laila Angles. Wait, she just said she's not in town. I didn't tell him. That bot doesn't like. Well, what day? March 31st, 2039. No, this February 6th or 7th. That's this weekend? Is it Friday, Saturday? Yeah. Okay, well, I was gonna. I'm in Justin Houston on Thursday. I'm co-headlining the riot. But I will come back and be here. Yeah, one of those, uh, just a. There you go. Message, yeah. Thank you, thank you, I appreciate it. Wow. Doctor Phil's gonna get a little Instagram DM tonight. I don't think it goes to the actual Dr. Phil. Okay. Okay, nice to do guest spots this weekend. Like, who the hell? What is this girl? Rob and I swear, I don't know the woman in the sweater. You know how I'm allergic to wool? Laila Fun Times. There she goes, Laila Ingalls, everybody. What an episode. We started with William Montgomery. We had the great deadrick Flynn. Ari Maddie is in Estonia being the celebrity, biggest celebrity in the history of his country. So you must be asking yourself, how do you close an episode that starts with William Montgomery? Has three of the funniest comedians in the world on the panel. And I think there's only one option. This young buck came on the show, won a golden ticket, and then took over. Just complete full control. He became one of the most intimidating forces in the history of the show. So much so that I let him do whatever he wants. It's been a while since he's been on. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long awaited return of the one and only Timmy Knowbreak. All right. Big pop in the beginning. Listen, a lot of people have been saying, Timmy Know Jokes, this, Timmy Know Jokes, that I know. I can write jokes. So I wrote a few jokes for you guys. I have a lot of nervous energy. But stand up has given me a lot of confidence. Because sometimes after I get off stage, people come up to me and say, "Great set." And that makes me feel good because they're just be-cups. Oh, take notes, you fucking dumbass, three times. That's pretty fucking easy. He's another one. Sam J, ladies and gentlemen. She's a black lesbos, which means she doesn't eat pussies. She all hell knows on it. Relinquish my time. Wow. What the fuck? Wow. What's up, gay guys? How are we doing, everybody? Are we good? Timmy, motherfucking Knowbreak's. Oh, thank you. That, I recognize some of that material. Well, yet, Tony, it was a cover. I mean, what are you talking about? In music, we do covers. I do a lot of music now, not just the comedian. So it's totally normal to do covers. The number one comedy album on iTunes. I am the nut- well, yeah. Number one comedy album on iTunes. But if you have a night punch-off, you're probably bumping that shit all the time. I bet you love my shit. Yep. Make some noise for my fucking album, you recon! There he is. No mercy, no breaks. Thank you. The only person that we should actually buckle up for. That's totally agree. I totally agree with that. Thank you. Unbelievable. Oh, look at this guy. Is this Dr. Phil? Yeah. What's up, player? Hey. Timmy, good to see you. Let's go to see you, too. What kind of doctor are you? That's a personal question. But if you follow me on Facebook, I'll give you a couple of responses that might direct you towards what I have, you know, I haven't been practicing for quite some time, Timmy. But originally it was psychotherapy and then just social work stuff. Just kind of a lot of parenting. Oh, so you're not a gynecologist? You're fucking gay. That's fucking gay. Little fun fact for you. That you got way bigger pop. What the fuck is going on? I call him gay. I have seen a couple of vaginas. Your wife's, right? You show your wife's, right? Well, I've been, you know, every 4th of July we try to splash things up. She brings a friend over. Usually somebody I follow on only fans. Anyways, what else is going on, Tom? I was just going to say a little fun fact for, uh, you kill Tony, diehard fans out there. This is the first time in which Timmy no breaks. And Dr. Phil or any form of Dr. Phil have ever been on the same show at the same time. This is quite the eclipse. Very dramatic. Yeah. It's like the traveling wheelberries or something like that. Two all-time grades, all of a sudden. Wait a second. What is that? Well, you're talking, I mean, it grills. I'm doing, I'm doing good, Tom. Do you have a grill now, too? Yeah, I'm making money, I'm doing good. I got a fucking, I got a fucking entourage now. It's pretty good. You want to meet him? Yeah. Yeah, guys, come on out. You have an entourage? I got a fucking entourage. Oh, my goodness. Holy. Whoa. Yeah, give it up for my fucking entourage. Let's just, let Dainty, he's my weed roller. This is, let's, let's, let's, let's sweet wall. He yells at waiters for me. This is my driver. I don't know who the fuck that guy is, but, uh, that means. Johnny drama. Everyone's black except for that one. No, he's black. That it. This is a black man. What are you fucking talking about? That Asian guy? Yeah. What does he do? Teach English in Atlanta? [ Laughter ] Did they call him back? -I didn't know what that was. -Yeah. Well, anyways, we wanted to do a quick rap if that's okay. -Oh, okay. -One of you guys to hold off on to any of the music, but I'm just gonna start with a little bit of a cappella show. Here we go. -Okay, a cappella. Timmy, no breaks. Who is obviously black now? -Oh. He brought his own microphone. Is that -- -Shut the fuck up, Tom. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] ♪ Holy sharing ♪ ♪ I sound like Morgan J ♪ ♪ And Tony's really, really ♪ -Migger! Whoa, what the fuck? What the fuck was that? Get the fuck it? You're fine. Get the fuck out of here, guys. Tom, I'm sorry. That's crazy. You never can say the M word, Tom, but -- Jesus Christ, that was intense. [ Laughter ] -I thought that was hilarious. -Well, now I don't have an entourage. You need a fucking entourage. She wants to be a part of my entourage. This guy, that black guy right there. All right, I'm coming over there. Sorry, Tom. I got to head over there. Give me a sec. Hey, John Dees. Play the keys. There's no black guy over there. ♪ Hit me with a spotlight ♪ ♪ Take a look at those keys, John ♪ ♪ This guy is not fucking black ♪ ♪ He's got his not black hat ♪ ♪ I can't see shit, everybody looks fucking black, all right? ♪ ♪ Look, he still want to be in my entourage ♪ ♪ Yes, I do ♪ ♪ Okay, let's see if you can think on your feet ♪ ♪ Do you think we should defund the police? ♪ ♪ No, we shouldn't ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] ♪ Let's get the camera to come and hit ♪ ♪ Focus on his race ♪ ♪ And for the crowd work clip, I want you to say yes ♪ ♪ Please, man, can you stand right here? ♪ ♪ Now, do you think we should defund the police? ♪ ♪ No, I'm good ♪ ♪ Can you sing him his Miranda rides? ♪ I'd have to read it off a card because I didn't go to college. ♪ You can hear my entourage ♪ ♪ Shoot this guy in the fucking face ♪ ♪ Where should we go? ♪ ♪ Who wants to be in my entourage? ♪ ♪ Let me ask you ♪ ♪ Let me ask you ♪ ♪ Do you think I should have shocked those people? ♪ ♪ Fuck no ♪ ♪ You can't be in my entourage ♪ ♪ You can't be in my entourage ♪ ♪ Not in my entourage ♪ ♪ By the way, if you don't want me to interact with you ♪ ♪ Just lay down on the ground face now ♪ ♪ Okay, this guy's a fair shot ♪ ♪ Let me ask you a question ♪ ♪ Do you know how to read? ♪ ♪ No, I don't ♪ ♪ The fucking retard ♪ ♪ Who knows how to read? ♪ ♪ This guy, this guy knows how to read ♪ ♪ Can you read this? ♪ Timmy, stand on the other side of 'em so it's frame-proper with you. ♪ Oh yeah, push it, get on his face ♪ ♪ Thanks for the suggestion, come now, shut the fuck up ♪ ♪ Here we go, read it, I have no gun, no seriously ♪ ♪ I have a gun, it's in my right pocket ♪ ♪ I was able to sneak in because I 3D printed it ♪ ♪ A law is a sworn true God ♪ ♪ I found a person from my entourage ♪ ♪ This guy's in my entourage ♪ ♪ We have an entourage, fuck your tone ♪ ♪ Now, the only way that we could possibly wrap up a show ♪ ♪ Is with the song ♪ ♪ And the only person that can sing a song ♪ ♪ With Timmy no breaks ♪ ♪ Is red, but just fucking kidding ♪ ♪ It's Dr. Phil ♪ ♪ Dr. Phil, hit it ♪ ♪ I wanna be in your untourage ♪ ♪ What do I have to do? ♪ ♪ I'll take you there to the airport ♪ ♪ I'll even wipe your butt after you poo ♪ ♪ Well, you're not a guy, a collegeist ♪ ♪ But if it's between you and this old newspaper boy ♪ ♪ I choose you, I choose you ♪ ♪ You choose me, I choose you ♪ ♪ Holy shit, holy shit ♪ ♪ And holy shit ♪ ♪ But this world ♪ ♪ And you're under control ♪ ♪ And you're under control ♪ ♪ Timmy no breaks ♪ any other fucking no-brake Sladeys in gentlemen. What can I say? He gets to do whatever he wants. He's earned it. ♪ What the way that guy said he has a gun ♪ ♪ Are we just gonna skip over that? ♪ Okay, Shader, head your back and push him to the brisk. One more time for Timmy no-brake Sladeys in gentlemen. (audience cheering) And how about his entourage, Dr. Phil, everybody, who is proudly endorsing the "Who Is He?" Adam Ray Theater tour. Get tickets at Adam Ray Comedy. Doc Tommy is going to Australia, Canada, and all around America. One more time for Dr. Phil. (audience cheering) And one more time for the great-great-Fit Sladeys in gentlemen. I'm going to Philly, Lexington, Houston, all around, Fitzdog Radio. That's FITZ Dog, or Fitzdog.com for tickets. And one more time for the great-salval cano, everybody. He's going to Nashville, Tennessee. Do it in the Ryman. Salvalcanocomity.com is podcast Manouche and new episodes of The Embragical Jogers every Thursday on TBS. We're going to the Into It Dome in Los Angeles, California. A large state-of-the-art arena to make our return back to where Killtony started in LA. How exciting is that? How about one more time for the best standband in the land? (audience cheering) Red Band. Check out Cap Red 7 on iTunes and Spotify. We love you guys. But times tonight, you guys have a good time. (audience cheering) Thank you. We love you. Good night, everybody. (upbeat music) , and the best standband in the land. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) [BLANK_AUDIO] [BLANK_AUDIO]