#754 - RICK INGRAHAM + BERT KREISCHER

Hey this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHingeCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony Tony Hinge Cliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Hey this is RedBan and coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for brand new episode of Killtony, give it up for Tony and Tony! Who's the ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Give it up for Ryan Reagan, what's up? Oh my god, I have a little more time for the best standband in all the land, everybody. Fernando Castillo Rova, Lejo Carlos, Sosa, Michael González, Nachos Belgrond, we have the great Dave Share playing guitar for us here tonight. John D's on the keys, and that's De Madness on the bass guitar, everybody. They have the new Killtony band on YouTube and their hit single "Pandemonium" is available everywhere. This episode of the number one live podcast in the world is brought to you by Quo, Zipper Cruder, and Shopify. Hi guys, feelin' tonight, good? Feels good in here, feels real good. Before we get started, here's a little bit more up in the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Killtony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th and Dallas, March 28th. Go to TonyHinchcliff.com for tickets. Right now, come see an actual Killtony show in the great state of Texas, one in Houston, February 28th, one in Grand Prairie, March 28th, TonyHinchcliff.com. Get tickets now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show at what? We are braving the freezing weather and what a warm hot show I have for you. Ladies and gentlemen, two of the biggest comedians in the world, two of the funniest human beings on Planet Earth. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of my favorites. Make some fucking noise for Bert Christchurch and Rick and girl. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Rick and girl. Sure, Christchurch. Let's fucking go. Yeah, buddy. Hi, buddy. Free Bert is out now on Netflix. It is one of the top shows on Planet Earth. Welcome back, Bert Christchurch. It's good to be here. I've been here all fucking week. And I will be here all week because of this goddamn storm, Tony. How many mistranslations do you think happened in kitchens this Thursday before the storm came in? They were like, "Hey, ice is coming." And I go, "Fuck." Thank you. That took dead after a week, so I might as well get it out. Work out that double entendre while you can. Yeah, exactly. Rick Ingraham's new special crowd pleaser is out on the comedy store YouTube now. Rick is one of the funniest fucking human beings on Planet Earth. Rick was the guest fun fact for those of you that consider yourself Kill Tony fans. Rick was the guest on episode one of Kill Tony. Wow. Before it even had its name, it was called Hinch Cliffs the Notes with an apostrophe. There's a lot of people who said that my presence on Hinch Cliffs notes is what made Kill Tony necessary. It's true. It got the pilot picked up for episode two. We renamed it and the rest is history. What other names were in the running? That was another Ryan Red Band's second podcast. Yeah, second. It was like his ninth at the time. The Ryan Red Band experience. Yeah, and now I'm the only person left stuck working with him, so it's funny how these things turn out. The privilege. Oh, what an amazing privilege it is. We love him. How about a hand for Red Band, everybody? I mean, just adorable. Yeah. He had to lintroll the cat hair off of him earlier. He said, "The cat slept on my shirt. This is my business partner, everybody." You guys know how the show works over 300 human beings signed up for the opportunity to be on tonight's show. They're all stacked on top of each other in an unbelievably disgusting bar next door, hoping and praying that they get pulled out of this bucket. I'm going to let the corpse of John Binay Ramsey pick the first name out of the bucket. Congratulations. I can't believe she's here. It's amazing. The people that travel here for this show, it's absolutely incredible. Will justice, how does she work? Well, we go wrangle that first comedian, and you guys know how it works. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you're the son of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Then they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, who's very angry tonight, even though he likes the cold weather. He's very, very angry. Well, we go wrangle that first comedian. We have a special treat for you guys to start tonight's show, a regular who we haven't seen in quite some time, a master of the interview portion of the show and the great return of the one and only ladies and gentlemen. If you know the words, sing along. This is Hans Camp. Hey, hope you guys are staying warm, you know, driving safe. There's a lot of ice on the road and not just the good kind. Not just the brave men and women who are trying to make sure these sexy Latinas don't suck their cocks. But the bad guy, that enters your home without a warrant. My only problem with ice is that they're going after every minority group except black people. I mean, you're trying to reduce crime. You're just giving them more room to breathe. But I understand, can you imagine the shape you have to be into deport black people? Yeah, I'm actually training for the three gun competition right now. That's where you shoot a pistol, a rifle, and a shotgun and under three minutes just in case I get car jacked at an antifer alley and a flock of quail fly by. All right, that's my time. Thank you so much. All right, Hans Camp. Here you go. Bert, you grabbed that mic quickly. Oh, I didn't mean to. I just, you know, I haven't been able to laugh at this whole ice situation, so it was a nice thing you brought levity to it. Thank you. I'm kidding. I'm laughing all weekend. Hans, fun set. I agree with almost everything that you said. I didn't understand the three gun competition thing at the end. Is that a thing that happened? Yeah, that's a type of gun competition. It's just where you shoot around with the boys. It felt like a very specific type of racism that only he knows about. But he is Asian, so that's the highest level of racist. That is true. Not a lot of people know this. Asians are the most racist people. I thought people knew that when I made fun of an Asian back in 2021, turns out nobody fucking knew it somehow or everybody forgot it all at once. And I got in big trouble and I needed to find an Asian to come in and beat my token Asian. This wasn't the Asian? No. That's the Asian that I got to replace the old Asian. Is it racist that we both thought he was the Asian? No, it's, it worked. I was like, there's no way Tony ever went for two. I mean, only one can replace the other. He was the Yao Tamai Ming, so it worked amazingly. Your life is good, right, Hans? Yeah, of course. It's amazing. Yeah, I'm doing great. Yeah, I went camping recently in Big Bend, just out there by myself, just enjoying the Texas countryside, you know, just soaking it in. You went by yourself with a serial killer shit. Yeah, it's like a meditative, you know, getting to know myself, just thinking a lot about my life. Were you on your phone out there? Yeah. Oh, okay. So meditative. What else did you do while camping, Hans? I smoked a joint, you know, did some mushrooms. By yourself. Yeah, dangerous. Those eyes closed all the way. Out in the woods by yourself, just like Helen Keller, like, ah, or Helen Keller. That is correct. I love it. So Hans, how long Why were you camping out there by yourself for four days? Three nights. Wow. No myself. How often are you jerking off in this situation? It's actually really cold, so it kind of. He couldn't find it. His eyes are closed. He's got chopsticks down there going like, "I don't know." "Keep telling me more about this camping trip." So you didn't jerk off at all? Four days? I did once. Can you explain to us how that went down exactly? Could you imagine you're hiking through the Texas woods? And you come across what at first you assume isn't Sasquatch. Only to find out that it's an Asian guy masturbating on mushrooms. You expect that in Oklahoma. You don't expect that here. And the best part is he can't see you. So you and your family just circle around him away until he's done. He's high as shit, his eyes are closed. He's like a bruise dick. And your youngest is like, "Im between your legs." "I want to hear more about camping." Yeah, I had a great time. Amazing, Hans. Why was he away for a while? Why by yourself? Awesome. It's easier to jerk off that way. I brought you guys out here to watch me get high and jerk off. This is what friends do, I thought. Did you see anybody else out there when you were camping? Were there other people? A bunch of dudes just camping. They were tactical men. Were they with each other? They were following the general rule if it's not as creepy if there's more than one? Yeah, they were a proud boy of men. Four dudes in tactical gear. Come upon an Asian in the woods. And then you want to go old school and hunt them? A lot of Charlie references. We used to fight Asians millennials. You will again soon. Hansy boy. Alright, Hans, another great new set. You got the show started for us. Thank you so much. And now we rotate over to the deer in St. Bucket of Destiny, where we actually meet people. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket poll. It's big Vinny, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. I haven't had a chance to get medicated yet tonight. Does anybody have a spare ozampic they could throw upon stage? I could really use that shit. Has anybody in here ever gone fat splashing before? I'm sorry, that's what I call skinny dipping. I used to date this Latina. She would make me drive her really far to try new restaurants. The reason she broke up with me. She found out her name in my phone was "Torta the Explorer." Yeah, that fucked me up. It was even rougher that I had her on in my phone as tortilla. Alright guys, that's been my time with Big Vinny. Big Vinny. He's been in his name, folks. His entire identity is his weight. Meanwhile, he's the third-fattest guy up here right now. I lost. Sorry, Bert. We need to do those jokes in LA. We know Red Band's number one. Bert, number two. And medium Vinny here doing nothing but ozampic and fat jokes. So, yeah, it's slightly less big Vinny is what I've been going by. I'm kidding, Bert, you're not that fat. You seem like you got a lot of depression. I lost 40 pounds. I shit blood in the morning. Are you really on a DLP want? No drugs for me. Just running and eating right. Okay, I'm a cheater. I get it. Fuck you. Oh, let me show you. Eating right, he says. Just did a minute of fat joke. What have you eaten today? What food have you consumed since this morning? I just had only today. I really only had a chicken salad sandwich. Yeah, I made myself. Wow. Did you put grapes in it? No, that's fucking. There's a lot of sugar in grapes. It's bad for you, Bert. Okay. Damn. Jesus. Getting health advice from Big Baby, the first bucket poll. This is not good. Bigger to cues have not been fat. He's like, "I better start telling people how to be healthy." So tell us exactly how you made the chicken salad then. Give us your recipe, Big Vinny. I had half a rotisserie chicken left for me. Wow. A rotisserie chicken. The other half was dinner last night. Yep, correct. Good. So I pulled it apart and threw some mayo on there. You know, fucking little bit of onion. Some garlic powder. Some salt. Fucking. Fucking like that shit. Then I fucking threw some bolillo or whatever they call it from HB. And the fucking oven. What is that last thing? A bolillo? Do you guys know what that is? Yeah. It's a little like bread roll they make. Because they don't have like fucking fish baked bread here. And fucking. Texas. They don't have. Like, like, I mean, like, rallies that I'm used to. I'm used to paninis and shit like that. What are you, where are you from? New York. Okay. You live here now or are you just visiting? No, I live here. I've been living here a lot of past year. Yeah, okay. You got healthy here. Can I make a note? You're way more passionate about your chicken salad sandwiches than you are your comedy. Yeah. Like, you get really into these chicken salad sandwiches. No, I do comedy almost every day. I'm getting ready. There was no part of the comedy where he gave like a little love comedy. But he wanted to make sure you guys knew that he wasn't just fucking salt-chakering. I move around more when I have more time. And like, the minute I have to shorten up most of my jokes, like, I don't know. I could try to, like, do one or two and, like, lengthen. It's okay. Big Vinnie. How long have you been doing the stand-up comedy? Three years, almost. Three years. So two of it in New York, one of it here. Phoenix, Arizona is where I started right after the pandemic. Okay. What made you do? Trade it around a lot. Yeah. What made you move to Phoenix? So I just, I, uh, me and my brother wanted to travel like around. And we've picked Phoenix. That's where we ended up. Like, he found a good job. And I figured it would be a good place to start comedy. I don't want to start here. Since you're a connoisseur, who has a better bread? Phoenix or Austin? Definitely. Oh, that's hard. They're both suck. But, uh. Austin. I'll give it to you. I'm being able to get bread. Yeah. Like, there's that. There's got to be an Italian bakery. There's somewhere. There's a ton of great times to go. It's open. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, uh, uh, uh, Tucho Bumba. Yeah. Tucho Bumba. What's your take on, uh, on, uh, Brioche bread? That's okay. Yeah, I don't like it. Yeah. It's hard to bite through and it feels like the meat squirts up. Too squishy. Chebata. Chebata. No, that'll. I fuck with Chebata. No, Chebata's not bad. Yeah. A nice toasted Chebata. Welcome. Welcome to another episode of Fat Tony, everybody. What? What are your thoughts on Pumper, Nickel? Too much fucking shit going on there. Okay. That guy's talking bread. That's going to get America united. I love it. Okay, so big Vinnie, let's talk about it. What's, what's been going on in your life? What is that? The fat people talking about bread sound? Let's hear that one more time. I love the horn section, so. Roasting with a trombone. This is out of control. I think we just got baked. Yeah. Big Vinnie, give us a fun fact about your life that would surprise us about you. Something special that makes you you. I collect sports cards and that's like what I've been living off of selling that. And I sports cards and Pokemon cards, singles. I don't set up a fucking, the store with a tent and fucking scalp like those scumbags say. And that's your job? Oh, yeah. That's how you make money. So I was working at cheers for like seven months as a door guy. But then after that I started selling cards and living off that. Wow. So what you do is you steal Pokemon cards from the kids in the West. No. And then you resell those. So I've had a single mom like I was hooking up with this single mom. Oh, yeah. Guys, the joke I just had, I didn't know about this single mom store. I don't want to be accomplished in whatever. All right, go on. So she was having trouble paying the rent one month. And so she turned to her son's Pokemon cards. No. He had to say goodbye to his Charizard GX. Are you serious? How much does a Charizard go for? It depends which one. There's so many. But yeah, his collection was probably like $1,500 bucks. Wait a minute. Yeah. -Oh, my God. You see what that mom-- -It's so terrible. -So single. What a bitch. -And he took that $1,500. And he started a child trafficking ring, crazy business plan. -Oh, my God. 1,500 for our Charizard. -No, it was like probably a binder full of like 30 cards. -Oh, my God. So did the kid have any Pokemon cards left by the time you were done pounding out this single mom? -Uh, yeah, I left him with some Christmas gifts, yeah. So he-- -What kind of Christmas gifts? -Exactly. Let me guess. Half a rotisserie chicken. -Filled with Pokemon cards, yeah. -A little brother that he won't pay for. Unless those Don Mattingly-rated rookies pick up in value. -Meanwhile, the mom's sitting like, "He's so vinyx, so good with my son." They just sit and go through his Pokemon cards. -Oh, yeah. -Oh, you got that, buddy. Nice. Nice. You know, that's not that value, but he more. -Oh, yeah. You don't want this one. This is worth nothing. -So, how much money do you think you've made? Slinging cards, if you had to guess. Ballpark. -Well, just enough to, like, pay my rent and stuff. It's probably like $20,000 last six months. -So you're out there selling the cards, but how are you getting them? How do you know when you find a deal? -So, like, I buy collections, like, people are trying to get out of it. Like, obviously, you got to pay, like, half of what the cards are worth and stuff, even less for stuff. -You're like a coin star machine for cards. -Can I ask you a really serious question? If someone gave you, say, like, $500,000 and said, "Investis and cards." What could you turn that into? -Oh, I could make that into it. Like, how long are you talking? How long at time? -Probably a foot and a half, Italian sub. [ Laughter ] Full rotisserie chicken. [ Laughter ] This time with the grapes, because when you got that kind of cash, you don't care about the sugars. -I'm doing H-E-B. -But have you seen Jake Paul talk about his card that he wears around his neck? He talks about the investment versus annuities and real estate, and it's fucking crazy. -And you say. -He's a scammer. -He's a scammer. -Yeah. -Say that once again for the Internet. Yeah. Logan Paul. He's no good. -Wow. Looks like I'm going to have to fight in a boxing ring in a few months. [ Laughter ] All right. Big, Vinny. You were the first bucket pool of the night. Here's a little joke book for you. There you go. Gotta start somewhere. Big Vinny, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] Here we go. With your second bucket pool of the night, ladies and -- Oh, it's the lovely Heidi, everyone. Oh, my goodness, great. Just the crowd goes wild. [ Cheers and applause ] All right. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Greg Bergman, everybody. Greg Bergman. Here we go. [ Cheers and applause ] I'm in a great mood. I'm dating a beautiful girl, beautiful girl. I shouldn't say girl. She actually identifies as non-binary, yeah. Which I gotta say, fellas, it's the best of both worlds. You know, I come home from work. I'm going to -- depending on my mood, I can make love to her or beat the shit out of him, you know what? [ Laughter ] Now, you get away with something. No, no, no, officer. She put on the makeup to cover the black guy I gave him, not the other way around, you know? You get away with it. It's amazing. Well, I was signed up 57 times. I don't know if I'll be back. I have to tell Austin, I have the biggest penis in Austin. This is a fact. Look out. I do. I have the biggest dick in Austin. I'm not bragging. I bought it. That's odd. Allow me to explain. About 10 years ago, we're Lincoln would say half a score. I got a penis implant, made a movie about a big like me. And there's only one caveat. They can only make it thicker not longer, you know? And I'm a little disproportionate. I got to be honest. Just supposed to go twice. I went three times, third time, not a charm. I'm hung like a hockey puck. There's really a couple of cantitunists stacked on top of one another. But not that cheap bum will be shit. Don't talk about that abacorbe. That solid white meat. That's what I got. [ Applause ] True. All right. Greg Bergman. Cool. Great. I missed the big dick thing. Can you explain? I was trying to -- I was doing three things. Oh, literally missed it. I have one. Big dick. That was it? Oh, you really just have a big dick? I was like, I must have missed a bunch of it. Well, they would just -- Who's thick? Yeah, I have a penis implant and you really do? Yeah, I do. It's fun stuff. Yeah. What do you really do? No, I do do. Okay, so let's talk it. Let's start there. Yeah. I can't imagine starting anywhere else, so -- Is it what I'm seeing right now, bulging out of your pants? Yeah, yeah. Is that your dick? That is a fucking watch. I know. Touch it. Those are jeans. Those are -- touch it. It's not gay if it's a name plan. Touch it. [ Laughter ] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! A good dick. It is a little hard. No, no, no. That's just the plastic stuff. Does it stay like that? No, so, yeah. It hangs more -- it hangs more because it is plastic in it, so -- Bert, are you okay? That's fucking real. Yeah, yeah. That's -- I just heard you tell a ghost story at a campfire, and I got my tent and saw shadows. [ Laughter ] You can dreams really do come true. That is a solid cock, and it's -- it's limp. That's the one you want is the one that black guys have in the shower? That's it. This is incredible. We've been doing this show 13 years, and I have 784 questions remaining. What -- my first question is, why is Bert kind of hard? Now, this is how it goes. You have to touch Bert, and then it goes all the way down until Red Man comes in his pants. All right, so great. I don't even know where to begin. When did you get this penis implant? 2014, I made a movie about it, called Big Like May. It's on Tubi now. The director's couch now, too. Fantastic. And -- We can watch, guys. Yeah, yeah. And the perfect network to pick this up. Well, there was this time, the movie, called "Lung Hung Hero" that got to South by Southwest. Two months before we were done with editing, it fucked me because it's conceptually similar. So it's fucked me with festivals. So that guy now has cancer, and -- and I'm glad. Oh, my God. But that little dick -- he didn't go all the way. I went all the way. I got it. Can I make one? Just suggesting from a professional comedian to you? Yeah. You got to close with the dick, okay? You can't open with it because I can't stop looking at your dick. Yeah. It's so prominent. It is like -- I thought Bert was going to say, when you come out on stage to start your set, you just pull it out and then do your whole set with your dick hanging out there. All of a sudden. I could be like -- Or maybe -- Sure, no. Here's my idea. I have an idea. You come out with your dick out. It has a shirt on. Yeah. And then you pull the shirt off and the crowd goes wild. This is why you're who you are. Okay. So let's start with the question that everybody wants to know. Exactly how big was your dick pre-implant. Okay. So, you can only make it thicker. That's not true. That's not true. They have. Or you can't. Let's not argue about it. I know it's not deep research on this. It's not the expert. They can make it. No, it's true. Did you many implants you can get? Shut up. Shut up. Okay. Shut off. They can make it longer but only when it's flaccid. Nobody cares about that. So, really, they think this is what matters. It was a normal thing. Everything was normal. Or also, it wouldn't be compelling. If it was a tiny dick, it's not funny. If it's a big dick, one's bigger. Normal dick, normal legs, normal girth. Maybe a little small but normal. But normal. In a statistical average. I'm fucking numbers. You have to a doctor. Okay. Well, the average. The average cock, the girth is five inches circumference. That's where I was. So, right in the statistical mean. But I blew my shit up. I went three times, not twice. It's supposed to go twice. First of all, circumference. Can I see you? You got the measuring tape out. I got eight and a half inches circumference now. Like a Shane Diesel, right next to him. Wow. I'm eight. He's eight and a half. Wow. Eight inches circumference. But also. That's like. It's like this, Tony. Like this. For you to know what? Just for your reference. I think I can fit that. It's unnecessary. No one has to. It's not. You don't have to. Eight inches around right now. Yeah, actually a little bigger when it's soft. Depending on humidity and stuff is very strange. Bigger when it's soft. Yeah, a little bigger when it's like almost all the way hard. It's a little bit bigger. It's weird. It's definitely weird. Rick. You know. Whatever. My mind is picturing the side by side of Florida and Phoenix. In the side. This is biggest your wrist. That's eight inches wide. Do we have a measuring tape? Just for a wrist. That side is exciting. Tony and homo right here is like, yeah. Let's go. Here's what I'm wondering. That's something that big. Are you even able to get it into a dude's butt? That was my next question. All right, there's a measuring tape. Let's do birds ring. I mean, let's see what we got here. Because eight around seems like a lot. Maybe I'm crazy. Well, no, you're not the. What is a can? You're not insane. It is as big as this fucking. Are you serious? Oh, birds got it. There we go. Wow. I'm old teeth, but I got it in. Tony, this guy isn't the king of God, damn it. I'll do whatever you want. It's the bird. You want it? Time people go, how did Bert get his career? We're just going to send that picture. It is unbelievable. It's impressive. You need to lose the joke. Just talk about your dick. Okay, like everyone has dick jokes, right? We all have dick jokes. It sucks. table of comedy and you have the best dick jokes ever. Could you have that thing? Right. Right, that's good. I actually love the opening joke called-- Oh, the opening. It's amazing. Yeah. It was. Let on. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Often on 15 years, but consistently, you're in a half. I was a little bitch at the comedy store a long time ago. I've seen it with like 20 years ago. I started. I stopped. I was a little bit of a bitch. I was a little-- I can tell. You have like showbiz. You have like weird like sham wild guy energy. What is up here? Like you're very comfortable up here for-- Well, that's what I'm wildly nervous, actually. But I'm getting into it. I could tell. Your dick's big as fuck. Yeah. If you were real, that's what happened. What happened? What happened? That thing we could-- Oh, you don't want to make me nervous. That's what-- Oh, my goodness. Greg, bro. Have you had-- Have you had the wild guy on? Yeah, he popped out once. One time there was a guy on stage who goes, I came with a sham wild guy. I'm like, the sham wild guy's here. Let's get him out of here. And then he did-- The time he goes, hey, will you drive me somewhere? And I go, yeah, he goes, I go, where are we going? And he goes, my mom's house. And I drove him to his mom's house. And he told me about how the reason he punched a prostitute was because the Church of Scientology set him up. That's-- yeah, that's the same guy we met. Yeah. Yeah, no doubt about it. So Greg Bergman, how old are you? 46. 46. What have you been doing your entire life? Because again, you have these wacky energies. You have like perfect eyebrows. I did-- well, I did this mascara. I usually get it done. But yeah. I put-- yeah, you were right with the gag. Yeah, I figured it out. Yeah, you had it. You were on top of it. Are those veneers, too? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, the hair. Did you get-- you get hair? No, the hair's old. Nobody believes you. That's the-- No, no, no, no, no, no. When you go 85% fake, no one believes you. That dick and teeth, everything else is real. OK. Fake dick, hair, reels, and days. Now, eyebrows are color then. Usually, I get them professionally dim. Eyebrows? That's not your money. But yeah, anyway. I've made some movies, don't want to, you know. So some people did. And then I was a financial editor. And I did some stock kind of stuff. And then I went poor a few times. And went crazy. Give us your best story. Your best story that involves drugs and anti-dick. Do you have one? Do you have any anti-dick stories? No, I don't have an anti-dick story. Wow. You think with that dick, you would have an anti-dick story. Absolutely incredible, Greg. So how did you make most of your money doing the financial stuff? Yeah, that and paid to do a couple movies. But mostly financial. I've ever won an investment like me. Nothing ever worked out. But they're good. Nobody gives a shit. And Italy, they know my dick movie. Let's go back to the fucking nitty gritty here. How much was the PNS implant? How much did it happen? PNS implant is 3500 per injection. I was supposed to get two series of injections. I went three, but they gave me this guy because I made the movie. And that's why I have what is unusually thick. You're supposed to have two. I went three times. And the third time, you got more. You don't know how much you're getting every time. This is like a Hulk serum situation. Yeah. And then two bucks. This is how super villains are made. Was there any side effects from the third injection? No, it just-- Come on. No. There must have been something. Did it feel weird to pee or something? No. No side effects. Other than why I went to New Orleans. Is right after that, you probably know-- You got this done in New Orleans? No, I got done Mexico. I think I changed it. That's correct. But he tried. No, he tried. God, you got beans in your burrito, did it? If there was ever a time to travel to Africa for plastic surgery, I don't know if I could have Mexico. It's actually been quite good. Not to mention when they finally cut his dick open and get their cocaine back, they're going to be fucking furious. Answer that. Talk, Mule. Oh my God. Oh, shit. You'll wake up. It's going to be big. We promise. We ended up going with three shots. You have the dick of a Mule. Amazing Bergman. Amazing, Greg Bergman. What's your love life like? Did you have a girl when you were getting these injections? I was married when I got these injections, yeah. How did that end? Divorce. Yeah, but not because of it that actually she liked it more than before or something. Well, walking to another episode and no fucking shit. Yeah, yeah. But I think the kind of maybe it was the kind of person who would do it. You know, she left me. So yeah. Why? Why do you think she left you? Did she leave you for another man? No, no. She left me. The movie was got a little bit too much. It's taken a lot of time. Also, I had my dad inside. That's not funny. My dad's get's a friend. I used to die in that light. You know, live on this street and with a saying. And I do draw. You know, nothing more. But I used to do a lot of draw. You know, what kind of draw? Just, you know, coke. Give us three more reasons why she left you. Yeah. You're really unwindin'. What? Yeah. Yeah. It did. We grew apart. We just say like a grew apart. Yeah. Amazing. You grew apart. Yeah. Naturally. Nothing to do with me. You grew apart. Wow. Like her vagal grew apart after she fucked up for the first time. Yeah. Exactly. I've kind of blown away. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is really fascinating to me. Isn't it amazing? I cannot stop looking at his dick. It is, for those of you listening, wondering why it seems like we're all kind of staring. It does look like he has-- But it's fun. That's a fun thing. It's like, he's like Pinocchio during COVID. We're in a mask and you're like, I still know you're Pinocchio. Yeah. It does. He looks like he has one of those like really good steakhouse baked potatoes in his pan. One of those fully loaded with the sour cream, chives, bacon. Yeah. Twice baked with a little extra added. Yeah. Wow. You ever seen a fupa? It's like a baby fupa. It's like just on a fupa. Yeah. It's like a fubu fupa. Because it's black. Because it's thick. Speaking of which, we have a Killtony Big Joke book that just so happens, I'm not kidding to have fucking King Kong, a giant gorilla on the front. Thank you. What better than you to get-- Thank you very much. I liked the opening joke. I didn't understand you talking about your big dick. But if you're going to do stand-up, I agree. You should have jokes about getting a penis implant. You should hit it on the nose. There he goes. Great Bergman, everybody. Wow. What an interview. What an interview. That is the first fake dick on the show. That also happens to have a penis implant. I don't have ones that make it long, by the way. Is everybody good out there? You guys having fun? It's kind of like a-- It's proud. It's never really been brought together all at one time yet. It makes the noise for your next bucket pool. It's Eliezer Guzman. Eliezer. I know I'm saying that wrong. Guzman, everybody. Hey, everybody. Tell those are again. I've been trying to gain muscle, lose some weight. So I downloaded this new app that doesn't let me use my phone until I do enough push-ups. So if you see my friends and family, tell them I'm alive. Tell them I missed them. Yeah, my luck with technology hasn't been great. I fell in a lime scooter about a month ago, and I fell on my right hand. And I couldn't use it for a while in the meetings awkward because I'm a righty. And I ran into my ex-girlfriend at this bar. She was drunk. I was drunk, so we made out. She was like, "I want you to finger me right now." But all I had was my left. And the best way I could describe it, you ever try to plug your charger in the dark? Like, I could have sworn the holes right here. If you didn't get that European. Elazar. Yeah. Welcome. Welcome back. You've been on this show before I remember because your name is hard to pronounce. Yes. Elazar. What is that again? It's Jewish. Oh, wow. All right. I'm not Jewish, though. You have a Jewish name? You're just trying to make it in showbiz? Yeah. Well, my mom's Puerto Rican, so she was just trying to help, you know what I mean? Nice. What's your dad? My dad is Peruvian. Okay. All right. Look at that. Unbelievable. Elazar. What does it mean? Does it mean something? It means God has helped. God is helped. Has helped. God has helped. I'm not with your set up. How long have you been doing stand up? I've been doing it 12 years. 12 years. Yeah. Wow. That's the funniest thing you've said all night. Where have you been doing it? New Jersey, New York. All over the country. In my bedroom. How long were you doing stand up in New York? About 10 years. Did you like it? Yeah, I liked it a lot. You love it. How long did you move to Austin? I moved here about a year and nine months ago. Okay. What do you do for work? I work as a chef and I work as a dispensary. So I work at a dispensary. Okay. All right. What kind of chef are you? I make burgers. Yeah. He really, really helped his title there with chef. Yeah. I make burgers. Where are we making burgers? I work at any DC, but I'm trying to expand. Do my own thing. Nice. That's a good thing to say to Philip. Yeah, we're all friends with the owner of NADC. It is an unbelievable burger. In fact, it's almost too good. It makes you want to go to sleep afterwards. It's like heroin. It's absolutely incredible. What? [INAUDIBLE] Oki-doki. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] That was cool, because he's like the first mass shooter vibe we've had of the night, and to get someone from the crowd with the same vibe shouting out was cool. Yeah, he said heroin, and that guy said, yeah, needn't. Oh, yeah, yeah. OK. Anyway, now we got his dealer's name. Was this primarily newer stuff you were working on tonight? Yeah, it was, yeah. I was saying, for 12 years, I would love to hear like an old joke that you know works. Yeah, you have like one of your favorite jokes that you could just show us how funny you are. I could do that. Ladies and gentlemen, doing one of his old jokes, makes some noise for Elazar, everybody. Here we go. [APPLAUSE] I've been going to therapy lately. Had a weird situation. My real father was a criminal. And my stepdad was a little person. So I had no one to look up to. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. [APPLAUSE] A lot of comics in the middle of the jungle. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Go ahead, go. When I met him, I was just five years old. And he was just a little bigger than me. And my mom was like, this is your new stepdad. I was like, my stepdad is seven years old. And it gave me weird confidence because he used to hit me. Yeah, and even when I was little, I was like, this bigger kid hits like a bitch. [LAUGHTER] But what really messed me up is I met him when I was five. So I just started school that year. And I was getting bullied at recess. So I was like, wow, those kids really meant it. When they said they were going to fuck my mom. [LAUGHTER] Wow. Wow. Look at that. Do that next time. You would think you would have done that in front of the millions of viewers. But he's just out here balling out of control, trying brand new stuff. Yeah, it probably a game it on this podcast. You're like the guy in the orange. He's just jerking off in the corner going, now I'll do it myself. But I don't want to come too quick the first time. I'm going to do this. I'm a load one, and then I'm coming in. Yeah. Is your stepfather really a little guy? No. Oh, just lie to me next time. Yeah. He's just five, six-- [LAUGHTER] --in a telling image. Yeah. Elazar, tell us something crazy about your life that we would never guess about you. I grew up Jehovah's Witness. Used to be a really fat. Used to be like 300 pounds. How thick is your dick? That's the big question of the night. How did you lose the weight? How did I lose the weight? I stopped drinking for like four months. Oh. [LAUGHTER] How much were you drinking? Turns out it wasn't fat. I was just a drunk piece of shit. So were you drinking all day, all throughout the day? Pretty much. What's every day? What were you drinking, gravy? [LAUGHTER] I-P-A-S. Lock us off mostly. I-P-A-S will do it. I-P-A-S are a whole thing. Amazing. So Jehovah's Witnesses can't have medicine, right? No, I'm a Christian scientist. Oh, my bad. Jehovah's Witnesses don't have birthdays. Yeah. Is that-- So how do you show up in this world? Philosophically, they can't have a birthday. They are bored. [LAUGHTER] So did you not celebrate a birthday for a long time? No, literally, literally, my mom would be like, it's a special day today. And I'd be like, what is it? She's like, it can't tell you to check your birth certificate. And that would literally be-- Oh, yeah, yeah. So you didn't get presents? I didn't get presents or nothing. No, it's just-- I got used to it. You have cake. So Tina Turner. She's just right. What an abusive fucking thing. It's this special day today, bitch. All right, check your birth. And then you-- When's the first time you celebrated your birthday? I was 17, a bunch of my friends who are trying to make me stop being a Jehovah's Witness. I bet. They were like, hey, we're all going to be at a bridge somewhere where you can preach to us. And I showed up to the bridge and they had a 30 pack of beers and they were like, happy birthday. Wow. What a surprise party/intervention. So I was like, surprise, surprise for what? Your birthday. Oh, shit. I'm getting the fucking full blue pocket. Yeah. It's a great intervention when your friends bring you a 30 pack of beer first. Is your family still Jehovah's Witness? Yeah, my mom's really into it. Yeah, that's all. I mean, she's still awesome. She's a great mom. Oh, remember the part where she didn't give you fucking birthday, right? Yeah. Great mom. My uncle was really cool, man. He had the softest fingers in the world. [LAUGHTER] Old silky uncle day. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. So she gave you a Jewish name and no presence. That's fucked up. Wow. That's incredible. Yeah. My birthday was pretty weird when I was born. When is your birthday? Now I'm curious. August 21st, 1990? August 21st. Yeah, I was born premature. So my lungs didn't work. So the doctor told my mom that I was probably going to die. And she prayed to God. And she said, if my son lives, I will give him to you. And because I lived, she named me Elazar. So that's why my name is-- Oh, that's very cute. Oh. Yeah. Wow. That's incredible. For her to come all this way and see him die on stage-- [LAUGHTER] --before the big comeback. Elazar. He rose again. Elazar, you did it. It was a rough minute, but then you did a good minute. So it's a medium-joke book tonight. I think it's signing up. Oh, Elazar. Almost went into the titty chest. Right off the chest. God did not help him catch that joke book. There goes Elazar, everybody. All right. We're having fun here. We're cooking. And here we go. Three word name. Your fourth bucket bowl of the night is Sharon Ruth. Hensley, everybody. I've got Sharon Ruth. [MUSIC PLAYING] Good evening, Kilt. How many of you will take two? I am Sharon Ruth Hensley. And I have two helpful hints for the male of our species to better interact with me. One, if you insist on mentioning your penis, Tony, more than once within a short period of time, I will have questions and/or comments. I am not responsible for what form those take. And inquiring minds still want to know your circumcision status. Two, if you insist on sending me pictures of said penis, Tony's audience. Be aware in Texas and a handful of other states, it is against the law. I find them amusing, so I will allow it. If and only if you follow these guidelines. Well lit, head to toe, nude, fully erect, holding a 16 ounce bottle adjacent for size comparison. Thank you. Jesus fucking Christ. Sharon, what the fuck was that, dude? Well, here's the deal, Tony. After the last time, I figured out that I being a naturally born female cannot ever possibly say something at all funny. So I should say something that would make my life easier when the onslaught of your 10,000 male followers to 10,000 male followers. 10,000? Wow, the big 10,000. Let's check in with Rick Ingram here. The first thing is we got to send her a pic of that thick dick from earlier. We got to get that. We're correct. We're going to have to scan it on a printer, because it's not going to be on an iPhone. There was so much insanity throughout that set. It was the implication that I've mentioned to you, my penis. When I was on last time, you did mention your penis twice, so I changed this system. What was the context of me mentioning like this? It was just how hard you were, not one time was not so much. One time was really hard. What were we talking about at the time? The first time was probably my set. The second time was that I'd shot somebody. Anthony, think you're a little bit out of context here, but no doubt about it. I mentioned my penis very rarely, but-- No, you did mention that. Was it a he-he-ha-ha? Did people go ha-ha afterwards, Sharon? Did they make that wacky noise that you don't understand how it hits me? Was it one of that thing, right there? You hear that? That wacky noise? You hear that? I went ahead and changed the subject and asked if you were circumcised. And some people were like, they got it, and they thought it was hilarious. And then some people were like, that came out of nowhere. And I was like, no, he mentioned his penis. So I'm allowed to ask if you circumcised. -Okay, Sharon, Jesus Christ. Oh my God. -Did you guys date at any point? -Oh, God. Sharon Ruth, you have three words to your name and not that many punchlines at all. This is incredible. -When you were in high school, did you tell people you were like a cat or something like that? -Yeah, that's a great question. You do have those energies. And I'm really a cat. My boyfriend's an energy vampire. He's going to be a librarian for three hundred years. -Are you doing comedy other places? -I am. -Where? What are you doing? How often do you try this? -I did comedy in Spain last year. It was pretty cool. -Well, they probably couldn't understand you English. -They have a pretty big English-speaking comedy scene, actually. -All right. -Wow. -Are you like the last guy? Do you have different jokes that are better than whatever you plan to do here tonight that nobody understood? -No, I am technically more of a storytelling comic, and a minute is kind of hard. -Wow, we'd love to hear a 25-minute banger from Sharon Ruth Hensley, but I think we're going to have to keep moving. -No, the main reason I wanted to come on is so last time. So I have a major anxiety disorder and last time I almost did pass on stage, nobody could tell. -Oh, we should have been so lucky. -At this time, it's not that much better. I was hoping the nerves would go down a second time, but it's really hard to get to stage. -I felt like you were nervous running through that. -You felt like a hologram. -Well, no, I wanted to get it in in a minute. I respect the minute timeline. -No, no, no. I think you're looking at comedy the wrong way. Respect the joke and then make it. Like, don't try to cram it into a minute. I think that's where the disconnect was. Is slow it down and find your pacing. 'Cause it did feel rushed. I don't want to be shitty. 'Cause I've been nervous on stage and tore through material before. -I'll be shitty. You could have done that. You could have pumped the brakes on that and done it so slow that it took 20 minutes to get through that. And there's not a funny, unidentifiable moment. -No, I did it very intentionally. It is funny to a certain select people. -Who are these people? Where are they? -Can I suggest trying to perform to maybe the Killtony audience? -Maybe them. -No, what I wanted to tell your audience from last time. -So, I am not a person. -Oh, God. -Sharing. -No, no, no, no. -No one can't. -What's your name? -Parent Ruth. -Sharing. -Pensley. -What do you want to tell the Killtony audience, Sharon Ruth? I don't know if you think this is going to get any better for you. -I am not a person who would do well in jail. I do know from experience. So, I should not be talking about things on stage until those pesky statute of limitations run out. There's no statute on attempted murder. So, I should not have mentioned that last time. -Okay. -Wait, so you just possibly could get her arrested tonight? And then. -Maybe. Sharon Ruth, you just mentioned it again, do you know? -No, I know, like, I'm like, "Well, I already made the mistake. Like, let me lay into it." -There's something very melodic about her voice when she starts to lose it, and it's like, "Ladadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadad when she starts to lose it. And it's like, "La-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- I feel like one of those Spanish people right now going like "I got it." You know, and I got your movie. I actually liked it. All right, Sharon. Did you get a little joke book last time? You got a little joke book before I'm guessing? No, I got a big one. Because of the interview. Because the audience demanded it. All right, Sharon. Sharon, you get nothing this time. They're going to Sharon Ruth Hensley, everybody. Good Lord. Unbearable. You've upset Tony Pina's. Unbearable. Very good. It's choked by red band, everybody. There you go. There she goes. Sharon Ruth Hensley, everybody. With the patented last, one last crazy glare in the eyes. A little eye contact for everybody. Oh, my God. That's exciting. Yeah. Sharon, it might be time for Sharon to take a break from signing up. All right. We have a regular that's going to sage the room right now. He is the newest force of nature, regular here on Keltoni. Makes the noise for the great Kendrick Blaine, everybody. What's up? Guys, I hate the Greyhound. I'm so glad I'm going to take the Greyhound no more. One time a nigga with no arms stole my wallet. I say it again, a nigga with no arms stole my wallet. And the only reason why I called him is because my wallet was in my hoodie because he was cold out. And I felt that nigga big toes scraped across my tummy. And then while I woke, that shit was right there in between. His thumb toe, I don't know what you call it, but his thumb toe and his index toe was gripping that motherfucker. And he got strong legs. He got nice legs because you know how like dare double his eyes don't work. So his ears is stronger. So this is his arms is his legs. So when I tried to grab that shit, I had to like, you know, I had a tug of war with this nigga. Then I started wrestling my wallet away. He talked about you cheating. You cheating because I had to use my arms and my legs. To get it away is when I finally got it. I stood up with my wallet and he stood up with me, but he is wearing a hoodie too with no arms. His arms is dangling. So when he stood up, he was like, what are you going to do, Snitch? I was like, no, nigga, we still got eight hours on this bus. I can't, Snitch. I dare you to, because your thing is when I write the gray hammer, I got my gun on me and they tell you you can't ride with your gun. You won't get in trouble. Go to court. If you took just like, why don't you have your gun? I was like, I want a gray hammer and I got all of my teeth. They'll be like acquitted every single time. Because if I had woken up and that nigga had stolen my wallet with my gun, ain't nobody going, ain't nobody going nowhere. It's your life by my Transformers, Velcro wallet. I got a, I got a Velcro wallet because I want people to hear me at least try to pay for something. Everybody within eight to two feet, we heard that. You like, he did it best that he could. That's my tire, y'all, I love you. Wow. A new two minutes from Deadrick Flynn. Twice as long as Sharon Ruth Hensley did, 29 more verifiable punchlines. Absolutely incredible, Deadrick. 17 less taxes. Deadrick, that is fucking fantastic. Great job. Great job. I love gray-hound material. Yeah. And none of the people have written gray-hound to know fucking just how sketchy that is. Isn't a pocket, like, you know when they drop the nukes and they have like a center where everybody meets, that's what the gray-hound is. You don't know what year it is based on what niggas is wearing. When you get out of prison, they give you a gray-hound ticket. Yes I do. No, so you sit. The majority of the people on that bus just got out of prison. Yeah. I fucking took gray-hound from Tallahassee to Tampa all the time. Wow. I remember when Big E's album came out, I had headsets and a tape player or a CD player. And a dude had just got out of prison. He was like, "What do you listen to?" I was like, "Oh, notorious BIG goes crazy your headsets." And that was it. They were hit. [ Laughter ] That's why you got to have a gun, Bert. You got to have her. Hell yeah. We all get robbed on a gray-hound. [ Laughter ] Of emotion and nothing. Bottles get passed around on gray-hound. Oh, yes, they do. It's a fucking experience. You feel bad that people are mostly vagabonds and drifters. But everyone on a bus no matter where you are looks like they're from Albuquerque. Yeah. It is a certain type -- Well, it's definitely a table from Albuquerque. Albuquerque, what the -- Oh! Yeah. I stand by what I said. No, they look like that. Get on your bus and go back. [ Laughter ] Armadillo people. That's right. [ Laughter ] Dead trick. So you've taken the gray-hound quite a lot? Not no more. I did before. Well, yeah, we know not anymore. It hurt. Yeah. It hurt in here. Like, when you get on air you got more teeth than everybody combined. [ Laughter ] ♪ When I was on the gray-hound ♪ [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] ♪ I noticed I was the only one with teeth ♪ [ Laughter ] ♪ I niggas stole my wallet ♪ [ Laughter ] ♪ 'Cause I was there in Toree ♪ ♪ On the gray-hound ♪ ♪ Where you feel too poor ♪ ♪ Don't wanna ride that shit no more ♪ ♪ On the gray-hound ♪ ♪ On the gray-hound ♪ ♪ On the gray-hound ♪ ♪ No ride no more ♪ ♪ Gray-hound ♪ ♪ Well, I feel too poor ♪ ♪ On the gray-hound ♪ ♪ With the men ♪ ♪ Yes, the killers and the needles lie ♪ - They owe you money. - Greyhound does a few money. (audience cheering) Greyhound does a few money. They just have to use that as a commercial. They just have to own who they are and roll with it. - They know. - They know. - They don't even have an intercom in the Greyhound. One time, one time I went to the Atlanta Greyhound which is the scariest place on earth. - I literally cannot imagine. The entire city of Atlanta scares me. It seems like the Greyhound station would be too much. - And it's right outside of the strip club. So the board is terrified. And I walked into a lady. I said, "When is the bus to Charlotte?" Right? I looked at her and she would look at me and she went, "The bus to Charlotte! Ladies and gentlemen!" What did you say? I was like, "Don't yell at me." I'd rather be on frontier and nigga, I hate frontier. - You know, Atlanta Greyhound's station is dangerous when "Dedrik" is the safest person there. Everyone else looks exactly like John Dees does right now. - Hey! - Turn it down. - No, put a ski mask. You wear your ski mask up when you're laughing. You have it all figured out, John, at a comedy show. He's back here cracking up with his mask on. There you go. There it is, everybody. - You know what, he got it, right? - It doesn't work. The joke doesn't work. - Because we told him that if the power went out, we was gonna start looting. - Oh yeah. - 'Cause we got to make our kill Tony Money somewhere. Like, I don't steal, but I loot, you know what I'm saying? - No doubt about it. No doubt about it. - Group synergies, different. - Yeah. - Is it Greyhound in Atlanta right by Magic City? - Yes, it is. - I've been to that Greyhound. - Wow, you know exactly where the Greyhound station is. - Yeah, yeah, I was just there. - Wow. - At the Greyhound, or? - At the fucking Greyhound. - You know you got money. - You don't have to be there. - My father-in-law doesn't. (laughing) - Fucked up. - Easy. - He called you, "Come get me now." - And Magic City has the best wings in town. - Yes, they do. - The lemon pepper on. - Shout out to Magic. - Shout out to Magic City, Atlanta Jordan. Oh my God. - Dedric, your set was absolutely fucking incredible. - Very good. - Very fucking good. - You're gonna tell you just like, there's such an energy. It's almost like watching good ice skaters. Like when you came up, you kind of owned it. Well, it's like, you know, when you watch ice skating, it's not enjoyable at all ever, you mean? (laughing) - Hey, Bert, what's the ice skater? (laughing) - You're the opposite of ice skaters and that we've all enjoyed it before, right? (laughing) Why are you watching ice skating? How do you enjoy that? - No, but it's like when you see someone come out confident, you're like, oh, this is gonna be, okay, I'm not worried. And when you came out, I was like, oh, I'm not worried. And then when they kicked into music and you own the stage, that is the energy of a great comic. - Yep. - Are you having it, man? - Yep. (cheering) - A rising star ladies and gentlemen. - Also, a guy in a cowboy hat was very excited to see you, which is another sign of a black guy that you're doing it right. - Come on. - Come on, man, thank you so much. - That guy, that guy rode the Greyhound here, the actual big dog. Everybody rode the actual dog with his cowboy hat. - Hell, we better go and get it, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - One more time for the Great Degers flame. (cheering) Wow. Seems like a comedy show again. Completely cleans the room of Sharon Ruth, and please nasty, nasty attitude. - Tony. (laughing) - Last time I was on you, talked about your penis in a comedic way. All right. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Zach Townsend, everybody. Here we go. (upbeat music) How's it going? I'm 35 years old. I used to want kids real bad. I used to want guns real bad too. Now, I don't know if I want either one, you know? I kind of see them as the same thing. You know, they're both dangerous. And whenever somebody has one, they're always like, do you want to hold it? And I'm like, no, no, I know way too many people in jail for touching those things. You know what I mean? No, yeah. Get my fingerprints off it. Yeah. I feel like guns are a lot like kids too, 'cause all the worst people I know hold their sideways. You know, it's either like, give me your fucking money. You're like, baby hanging off the hip at Walmart. You know, some white woman in Cookie Monster, pajama bottoms, even though the sun is still up. Come on, you guys have been a Houston before. You know what I'm talking about? (cheering) The baby's gonna get the tears to come on this side. I feel like guns are a lot like kids too, 'cause whenever I see one out in the street, I'm like, shouldn't you be in school right now? You know, and I don't know about you, guys. But whenever I'm on Facebook, I see a new article of like a female teacher banging their younger male students. We gotta pay these teachers more money, right? So they can afford to go on dates with people their own age. 'Cause it's super easy to wine a dime of 15-year-olds. You just fucking say six, seven while you juggle their balls a little bit, you know what I'm saying? Thank you guys. Wow. (cheering) Wow. That motherfucking town's in. Amazing, Zach. Thank you, thank you Tony. How long you been doing stand up? Oh, eight years. Fuck yeah, where are at? I live in Nashville, Tennessee. Awesome. We love Nashville. Thank you, fuck. Look, got you down to Austin this week. (laughing) Oh man, by Bert Kreischer, actually. I was opening for him at the Moody Theater. Oh, thank you, Zach. You're welcome. Amazing. He Christ. Zach, it is, I was like, I was like, man, you better do fucking good. I love that. You Christ, man, I think you're fucking hysterical. I think you're so talented. That's absolutely incredible. I had no idea that you had anybody here, that anybody even signed up. We got fucking lucky there. Yeah, I was supposed to go home last night and then I thought the fucking ice is crazy and the weather's bad, too. And, yeah, that's the best version of that joke. Look at that. That's incredible. Yeah, and then, so I stayed. I didn't feel funny. Zach, so have you lived in Nashville your whole life? No, I'm from Connecticut, originally. Okay. And I started comedy in Tampa. And I've been in Nashville. Shout out to Tampa. Hell yeah. Yeah, I love that. He's sober right now. He's not drinking because he's getting married. Yeah. Oh, damn. Nice. Well, yeah, I'm also sober to like for my career, too. But, yeah. How long have you been sober, Port? Since December 29th. December 29th. Yeah, let me ask you this. Not that I'm counting or anything, you know. Geez. Let me ask you this, because game recognized, game. What exactly did you do on December 29th? For your going away last year. How hard are we going to start? Tell two truth, tell two lies in the truth. And we got to guess which one. Okay. What happened on December 29th? Okay. Two lies in the truth. I went out to a bar with my friends. Or I got blacked out on wine and had my coke dealer come over there and accidentally did ketamine. I'm guessing all three are the truth here. Actually, you gotta go, yeah. Take us through it, so you got drunk on wine? Yeah, it was supposed to be just a chill night. Like, my friend just had a baby and they came over and then I-- The baby came over, too? The baby was over, too. There's like a picture of me like drawing a kang in the bin. I was like, you know what I'm saying? I was drawing a kang in the bin and I was like, oh, they're never going to-- You're holding the baby side. Yeah, I was like, give it to me, you know what I'm going to discuss. I'm going to make this a joke. Yeah. Can I blow on his stomach? That's a little blow, Zach. Someone bring me a gun. Yeah, I saw it in sideways and shit, it was awful. I always wanted to try this. Amazing. So then you had a little pulp fiction moment. You thought you were doing cocaine, but it turned out to be ketamine. Yeah, well, I think one of my buddies told me it was ketamine and I just was whatever. It's my nose, who cares? Anyway, at this point, you know. How did that make you feel? I don't know much about ketamine, but from what I do know, it seems like being extremely drunk off of only wine would mix very oddly with that. Yeah, I don't remember much if I'm being completely honest like how I made-- there is like video-- I went outside to get cigarettes from my car and busted my ass, trying to get back in. And there's like video on the ring camera from my fiance being like, hey, you fucking-- you want to see this? And I was like, no, I'm good, actually. I don't-- I don't want to really-- I woke up, my hand is all fucked up. I was like, ah, fuck. Can you please grab that video and post it? Yeah. I felt drunk-- I felt drunk into a potted plant and hit my head and knocked myself unconscious, and it got five million views. Amazing. So Zach, you make all your money doing stand-up comedy? Yeah, yeah. I do stand-up in a sketch comedy too. I love it. What does the future wife do? Uh, she's a private-- I don't know if I should-- she's like works for like the government. Okay. Yeah. Perfect. They're doing a lot of good things for-- Yeah. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. She makes all the decisions in my household. Yeah. She in charge of wrangling or anything like that? Yeah. You should see our crawl space. It's actually quite packed right now. [LAUGHTER] Zach, you are so funny. Where can people find your stuff? Uh, on Instagram at Zach Townsend_ and on paid vacation comedy on YouTube. Yeah. We did a sketch. We actually did a sketch about Killtony. I don't know if you saw it. Was it the video game? Oh my god. Yeah, I love that so much literally like our favorite thing we were just we sent it to each other and everything and all around Absolutely hilarious. Yeah, I think you guys should make the video game too. I mean, I think you guys are leaving some money on the table Everybody's hitting you up about it. There's like it should be a real thing. I absolutely agree We've talked about it before could totally be Down the line. How long are you in town for now? I leave tomorrow? Yeah, I got shows this week So I gotta try to get back if I can get back home tomorrow. I've got to try to get back home. Amazing Well, we how about how about you come back when next time we do the bridge stone arena in Nashville and do a spot on there I would absolutely love to do that. I would love to do that. Yeah, follow this man That's Zach Townsend and repost the video game sketch and tag us in it and we'll repost it's so funny Thank you guys so much. Appreciate it. One more time for Zach Townsend everybody It's crazy. You just picked them out. Yeah, great stuff man. All right, we're having fun now look at this cooking on the Back half of this episode that let's starting with that horrible monster of a lady. Oh my god It's incredible and who could forget big Vinnie Greg Bergman's fake cock Elezar deciding to do a brand new untested minute in front of five million people Sharon Ruffinsley and then the tables turned let's see if we can keep the momentum as the bucket has decided that up next comes angel Diaz everybody Yo fuck yeah Gil Gil Gil give it up for myself one time Hell yeah Fuck I actually have a real life question. Is anyone in here subletting a room? Fucking me, bro. God damn. Does anyone see themselves living with me at all? Jesus Christ. All right. Well, it's because I have to move out of my apartment like really bad Like all right. This is a text message thread between like me and my landlord. I had to write it down All right, this is what I said I said Mr. landlord or no, I said let's mr. Landlord man Can you please come tomorrow between 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. To fix the AC unit And this is what he said he said you short little Mexican man Now I'm kidding. I'm kidding. He said he said he said I am doing a live stream set on the radio Please oh fuck please tune in online And I will come around for you won't believe who the fuck is a DJ Oh damn, I yo yeah, you know what yeah, yeah, yeah, you'll give it for me. I'm just a good Diaz yeah, oh the old butt slap of angel D. As fuck. Yeah, he opened and closed the little ass laugh. I love it Yeah, bringing the right energy Guys Swagger and confidence and stage presence unlike almost anyone that's been up here. Yeah, you know I'm a good guy I don't know what what else the fuck do I say what else wow look at you angel how old are you? I just turned 26 last week. Yo, give it up for 26. Okay. They don't have to give it up for everything I'm gonna ask you a lot of questions angel This is like if rage against the machine was a homeless guy. Yeah Shit, I feel like he's gonna make noise for every question. I as may give it up for working at a vape store What do you do for work angel? You know, I have no job whatsoever. No Yeah, I have no job. How do you how do you survive angel take us through a day in the life? So all right, so I've been going out of state to go steal shit. Oh This is amazing. Yeah Give it up for stealing shit. Okay. There you go Give it up for him being so thoughtful at least go out of state. Yeah There's a third pot slap sell it while you're still in the other state You don't want to cross state lines just a little advice. What did you just say? Perfect nailed it angel. See do you really make money stealing shit? Well, not really but kind of like well If I steal anything like it's for myself, but like if you need bounty, I mean, I don't know I like that's like the type of shit. I'm stealing you know like paper towels. Yeah, yeah, it's bad Can you give us an example of sometimes a sometime that you've stolen something like well allegedly? You are a natural angel Diaz. I might bring you back just for interviews What I like is he said bounty which is a way of saying amount of money for something But he actually meant paper towel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. He's definitely going to California to do this, right? Oh What was that the California? Yeah, I don't know what this guy is telling me. I'm sorry. I can't hear him too well. You're okay. Give it up for California Angel so take us through it allegedly All right, so yeah, so I'll like pick up like maybe three things that you're am I gonna go to jail for this? No, no way you are protected. This is a comedy show and everything is a joke Yeah, but like nothing nothing leaves this room to yeah, there's But like what like what if they catch like what if they catch me on camera? You know I'm trying to say like we said yo This is you and like this is you talking about it on the show angel. I got good news for you Everybody that's ever stolen anything looks exactly like you sound There's no way you can get in trouble for this. I'll keep going angel. Tell us about the amazing work of the bounty hunter angel Now yes, so I'll just walk in and then like um like I'll just like I'll walk out with like a whole bunch of bounty and then like I'll sell it to like the first person who needs bounty in their house, you know like Is anyone subletting a room? Horan angel seriously though. Have you really stolen bounty paper? Well, it's between bounty and spray paint and so like uh, I can't Honestly, I really can't talk about it too much because like right now I have a like an open case Angel absolutely stop talking about it We thought you were talking about it. Yeah, you know Well, let's just talk by the way, I would just argue that if you talk to the judge I think she's gonna let you go I don't know like yeah, all right. Yeah, no, can I just walk off now? No, no, no You are like a fucking go-mock. Yeah, we might keep you here all night We're like porn directors in this 18-year-old girl just showed up because I don't know my dad. We're like, all right This is incredible Angel Diaz so What exactly you can talk about this what exactly is the open case for right? Now well, I honestly I well, it's for it's for graffiti because I got caught and like so pretty much it's like this It's like well allegedly they saw me um, he's got two catchphrases about it slap and allegedly Yo, I'm gonna do the butt slap on my way out and they better be funny. I don't know, but um All right, um, so yeah pretty much like they call me like on camera like the NYPD they call me on camera Pushing like an old graffiti writer and they were like, yo, this is you and then like this is you pushing the old man And like I couldn't deny I'd be like, no, I don't know that picture seems a little blurry So like that's pretty much what I've been up to uh, yo, so how you so how uh, yeah, I gotta what's your name? I don't know. I'm sorry. So angel don't ever change. Yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah Don't work in a perfect little jar. Let's keep it. I know I want to hire like it's a bug I want to hire him and just wake up every morning to talk about some go. We need bounty and spray paint angel I love Rick's idea put him in a mason jar and just show him off all right. If you shake if you shake him a little bit He slaps his butt look Angel Diaz so you leave it up for air hole Yo, can you can I have that water? Can you is there any chance you guys could crack that water? Oh, yes, please Have a delicious water angel Diaz. What is your living Wow Oh my goodness see that wouldn't that you wouldn't have gotten wet if we have that amazing right now. I'm a little wet Angel angel. What is your living situation in Austin, Texas right now? Do you live here now? Um, well like well not allegedly Like um well, I kind of stay with my sister with like uh when she and she just had a baby So I can't really stay there is anyone sub letting or I'm stopping but I'm gonna stop saying I'm sorry Seriously you split with your sister. Yeah, where she lives in Austin. Yeah north Austin. How long have you been in Austin? Like um Wednesday since last Wednesday Where did you come from New York City? How did you how did you get here? Um, uh, I took a plane bro like what the hell I did well No, there's been a lot of talk of Greyhound buses tonight And if anybody that I know from this episode belongs on a Greyhound bus buddy. It's you So by the way the judgment he showed towards the other uh Kill Tony guy for being on the Greyhound bus just now. Yeah, so fucked up. Tell me Who the fuck do you think I am, man? I took a fucking spirit flight, dude. Yo, I literally took a spirit flight. No. Do you remember your boarding position by any time? Yo, I was a D26. Oh, my God. That's pretty much last, right? Yeah. I can't imagine what the guy behind you looked like. [LAUGHTER] OK. Does anybody see my pants? [LAUGHTER] Yeah. Dude, the guy behind me stole my wallet with his feet. All right. Do you date? Yeah, yeah. Wait, can I shout my girlfriend out? Nope. Yeah, sure. Can I-- you have someone believe it out? Yo, shout out Yo Hanavan. OK, I'm sorry. I should have never said that. There you go. She is now under arrest. DeMadness is actually going to Banger right now. You are fucking lonely. OK, so Angel, where'd you meet your girlfriend at? All right, so I met her at a park. And yo, but it was crazy the way I did meet her, though. So I saw her smoking a whole bunch of cigarettes. And then I was like, so I went to the store. Are you OK? He's-- We're watching a lunchy. Was she sitting in the park and you walked up and said, yo, I'm the quicker picker upper. [LAUGHTER] Fuck, yes. Watch Free Bird out now on Netflix. I fucking love this kid. I know, me too. How much do you cost? Oh, yeah. We're not telling him today. I'll fucking pay for this kid just to be around me all the time. Yeah. Boom. Everybody loves me. I'm going to stop doing that. I'm serious. I'm going to stop. I'm going to love it. Bird, I can't wait to see the kind of trouble you get in when you purchase him right up for $2,100. They're-- I'd be like, I'd be like, get him for $35 grand. Yeah, I'm like, I'm more like $4,000. I'm like, I'm going to-- No doubt. He's a tough negotiator, Bird. He is angel D.S. $25,000. He's going to be a third one, Bird. A master negotiator. Five grand. I'll do it for four. Does anybody leasing a room? Angel D.S. will sleep in the gas tank of your tour putts, Bird. Hey, oh, just give me a-- I don't even need the money. Just give me a can of spray paint and paper towels, dude. I'll fucking do art. I'll fucking deck out your boss, Bird. OK, angel. So let's talk about it. What jobs have you had before? I can't imagine you really holding down anything at all. So I used to work at a hallal shop, and then I worked at a-- Yo, does anyone-- is anyone going to-- is anyone going to pick that glass up? Like, what is going on? He's like a fucking goldfish. He's like, anything that happens around me is like, fucking-- Yo, I better hope no one's barefoot. Jesus Christ, you know. He better hope. He better hope. Better hope. You hold on, I'm waiting for this hope. Is it coming? They better not hope, but he better hope. That was Obama's initial pitch. Better hope. Better hope. Angel, you are so naturally funny. I've been doing it for like two years now, and-- Yo, actually, yo, if I had my phone, yo, last time I came to Austin, they were like, yo, never do comedy in Austin. We fucking hate your guts. And like, I feel like I can do that. Yo, I can't even-- I don't know. I don't know. I don't want to blow them up. All right. No, I don't want-- I don't want-- are you serious? There's something so magical about laughing at someone, not with them. No, I tell you, come on. I'm so different. It hits different. His reactions to normal everyday things are unbelievably funny. It's like crowd work I've never seen before. Are you serious? Is crazy. You better hope nobody's barefoot is insane. Like, these are things. I mean, Rick is a crowd-worked god, but I'm not quite sure. I've seen anything. Always de-exing the audience, Rick. I mean, as a crowd-worked Sith forward, you must admit that I'll say this. I don't think most people should be allowed to do crowd work. But I also think we all have to hope that no one is barefoot out there. And to hear it said, I went, yeah, that makes sense. This guy's a master. Crush and water. I mean, the student's doing it. Even the way he hydrates his next level, yeah. He hydrates like he's very thirsty. I am. I am very thirsty right now. I actually do want to walk off, but-- Why do you want to walk off, Angel? I don't know. I just want to go home. But why? What are you going to do when you get home? What are you looking forward to? So you're-- actually, I got to watch the second half of Oppenheimer. So like, I'm excited about that. [LAUGHTER] Oh, my god. I would pay money to watch Oppenheimer with him. I can't imagine. Yo, are they-- yo, they just split the atom, man. Real, man. I hope nobody was barefoot in there, dude. That's radioactive. Shit, man. Do you imagine going home and his sister and the baby sitting there while he watches Oppenheimer? Can you walk me through what you've seen in Oppenheimer so far? Yo, so I saw the part where they were like, oh, oh, oh. So they were recruiting a whole bunch of guys. And then they were like, yo, maybe you're the one who can help us really build this shit. And they were like, yo, so who are we fighting against? And they were like, yo, the Nazis. And they were like, all right, man, let's just go fight it. Let's just go fight, man. So I think maybe a movie review podcast is-- Oh, my god. What's a movie that you finished recently, Angel Diaz? What's your favorite movie? Oh, OK, all right. My favorite movie is The Tala Haga Nights. The world famous Tala Haga Nights, everybody. You know it. You love it. Everybody you see. Oh, yeah. Well, oh, Larry Bobby. Yeah, that's the one. That's that, yeah. You could not write this if you tried. You just give up. And it's pure. This is absolutely incredible. Can you give us a little synopsis of Tala Haga Nights. OK. So pretty much it starts off with a guy that-- he's like a race driver guy. And then, like, fucking towards the end, he gets his bitch took. Yeah. Yeah. And then he has to kind of stun on her. Like, yo, I just came in number one. And then the guy is like his best friend that took his bitch. Keep that in mind. So he's like, keep that in mind because they have a podcast. That's coming back. Keep that in mind. He's just, yeah. Wow. That's so good. Tala Haga. This interview has gone on too long, but I'm going to ask, what's one more movie that you see? Like, what's the serious movie? Not a comedy. I want something serious. You ever seen Forrest Gump? How would you explain Forrest Gump? So In Forrest Gump, I started off. No, I'm kidding. I was just trying to be Forrest, but now, all right. That was bad. I'm actually going to walk off. Now, I've seen-- yeah, I've seen Forrest Gump. That was a question, right? What do you remember about Forrest Gump? That he was kind of a little stupid, and then-- [LAUGHTER] But somehow, he was there for everything. You know what I'm trying to say? Like, I don't know. Like, it was just like, yo, let's just have this dumb guy as like a fly in the wall, you know? Like, that's pretty much the movie. Oh, we've seen concept. He's back. Do you know how that movie was sold? How? The pitch is a movie about a lucky retard. Wow. It's where the guy is, so they set in the room, and the guy goes, I'm in, I love it. Yeah. Amazing. That makes sense. Angel Diaz, I hate to do this. I've been doing this so often lately, and it's a real fucking problem. The internet's going to hate me for this. I think Red Bant's furious. He's already groaning over here. But Angel, you are absolutely priceless, and you are indeed the newest golden ticket winner here. [CHEERING] [MUSIC PLAYING] There you go. [MUSIC PLAYING] There's the bucks left. Come back again, every other whole world it needs to see you again. [CHEERING] You're about as welcome as it gets in Austin, Texas, by the way, Angel Diaz. Holy shit. My God. He was real deal. Real deal. Where there's going to be shit missing from now on around here. Tony, right before he walked off, he goes-- right before he walked off, he goes, yo, can I throw this water in the crowd? -No, no, no. -No, no. He is real trouble. Every once in a while, you need a little, add a little fuckin' pepper to the mix, a little diablo sauce, if you will. Angel Diaz is the newest winner of-- -Yeah. -I'm getting word. We-- the mothership is out of paper towels. -Wait a minute. [ Laughter ] -Wow. -Somehow turn them into PCP in the back. [ Laughs ] -All right. Well. -What sister's gonna have a fun day when this comes out? -Oh, God. -Hey, yo, so check it out. Like, I have a reason to stay now. I'm gonna leave my bitch in New York, and the court-- I'm just not gonna show up the court. I got a whole thing going on now. The court's not happening. He's gonna-- he's gonna avoid that case in New York City. All right, your next fuckup poll. You guys having fun out there, huh? Your next fuckup poll goes by the name of Andrew Lowe, everybody. ♪ Andrew Lowe ♪ ♪♪ -Yo, yo, yo. What's going on, y'all? How's it going tonight? -Woo! -Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was told recently, y'all, that I looked like hide from that 70s show. And, uh, yeah, I don't know if you keep up with the news or nothing like that, but, uh. Yeah, just pretty disgusting to be compared to somebody who's a known Scientologist. You know what I mean, guys? You know, 'cause there's nothing worse than that, right, guys. Right? Now, I'm just gonna need to do a couple rapes, though. We did do a couple rapes, so. I just like the thing that the guy that compared me to him was like, "I haven't seen him on anything in a while." Like, I love that 70s show. What's he been in? And I was like, "Mm, I don't know. You're probably not gonna see him in anything, actually. You're probably gonna fucking see him in jail. You'll see him there." Uh, but, uh, yeah, yeah, so don't really fuck with that, but, uh, you know what I do fuck with, though. I actually have a question, guys. I have a question for the audience. Um, be honest. Does anybody out here use the coin stars? Anybody use the coin star before? Make some noise. Woo! (laughing) Yeah, yeah, yeah. Broke ass bitches. (laughing) I'm not talking shit, though, 'cause I'm a broke ass bitch. Obviously, I'm a comic, right? But if you haven't used the coin star, if you don't know what it is, it's this fun little machine you'll find tucked away in the corner of the Walmart, right? And you just bring all your saved up coins, and you just fuck with it. (air whooshing) Andrew Lowe, everybody, trying to get through it. Do you have, were you getting that towards the end there? Uh, close, close-ish, now it's good, though. Okay. All right, I'm okay, Andrew Lowe. Maybe it's just that angel DS. We got angel back out. Yeah. I did. I did request that angel, uh, perhaps he might be back at any. What if we had angel do the same material? See if-- Do you have your material written down somewhere by any chance? Do I have a material written down? Yeah. No, I got it, I got it. Okay. Here's what we're gonna do. We're going to have, just like he did with movie reviews. We're going to bring angel back. And we're going to have him watch your set. And then he's going to give a synopsis of what you talked about. Is there any chance we have angel back there? Is angel still here? I think angel left. He's-- We're getting where he's already finished up in Himer. Nice. Got to catch the end of it. Ice agents have taken him and decided to release him. Ice agents love angel DS. He might actually be the one that could solve all of the America's problems right now. Is angel here? He wasn't able to get him? Okay, we have him. All right. He might already be in a fight in the alleyway right now, everybody. This is incredible. Andrew, how long have you been doing comedy? Probably like three, four years, give it a take? Three or four years. One thing I liked was you said, I don't know if you guys have seen the news. And then you told a joke about something that happened five years ago in the news. So that might not be the best intro into the hide raping. That's-- I mean, it was on the news recently, to be fair. He was? Yeah, just the triangle. That was why somebody brought it up to me. OK, I've gotten word, ladies and gentlemen, that they were able to retrieve angel DS. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Angel DS. There he is, why is the plot? A lot of people are saying America's new favorite comic. One of the all-time greats, a superstar angel. Here's what we're going to do. I want you to stand back here between Michael Gonzalez and D Madness. I want you to watch Andrew Lowe's set. Give me some notes. And then I want you to give-- like you did with the movies, I want you to give a synopsis of what he talked about. All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Andrew Lowe, everybody. Here we go. Thank you. I appreciate it. All right. So let's get-- actually, let's really be honest though, because I didn't hear enough people make some noise, because I know, yeah, yeah. Has anybody used the fucking coin star make some noise? Thank you to my fellow workwitches out there, all right? So if you haven't used the coin star, like I was saying, it's this fun little machine. You find tucked away in the corner of the Walmart, right? And you walk up, if you're saved up, box the coins, or whatever the fuck you keep it in, right? And you just walk up, and you shh shh shh. And that's the thing. It's so fucking loud. It just lets everybody know in the general vicinity that you know you're not really doing so good right now, right? Because nobody's using the coin star. I was like, oh, I saved up some coins. So I'm going to get myself something nice. And yeah, yeah, no, no, no, it's me. High as hell in my Nike slides. Just like this needs to be $70 somehow. Or I'm totally shit out of luck, but it's not. It's like $40 minus three, because there's a fee. And I'm like, are you kidding me? There's a fee. I'm down this bad, and you're just going to fuck me some more out here. And it's like, well, yeah, because you're still going to take it, like the good little coins, let that you are. Thanks guys, this is my time, I appreciate it. All right. Two sets from Andrew Lowe. Here's the synopsis by Angel Diaz. Angel step up to that mic and let's say somebody hadn't seen what Andrew Lowe talked about. How would you describe it to them? Yo, pretty much, this guy is broken shit. So you said you were collecting coins and taking them to Walmart, nigga? [LAUGHTER] Bro, you are broke. At this point, the only thing you're trying to find is probably, you know, those old coins. I feel like that's your lucky thing. Should I flip? No, you know what? I just gave this guy a kiss here. You can hear. Bill, thank you. Synopsis. I do take it to the Walmart. Sometimes, HB, it depends on how it feels. And it's by Angel Diaz. Angel, you're not playing any instruments. I just might make you like a band member full time or something. You know how to do anything? You know how to play like a-- Yeah, actually, I do. I know how to play the-- I know how to play-- I know how to play the double keyboard. No, not-- no, you're not going to replace one of these guys. You're going to be an addition to the band. Wait, wait, no one goes to the double keyboard. Oh, you know how to play the double keyboard. Get your goddamn single keyboard, the fuck out of here. I don't know how to play that. It's called piano. I can play piano. The best was the look around, though. What do I play? Oh, of course, the most common instrument played by human beings. The double piano. Angel, you know what? We're going to give you is another can of delicious water. Bird, hand him that can of water. Here you go. Let's open it away from me this time. You've earned it, Angel. Wow. Somehow completely uncarbonated can of water, by the way. Somehow, it feels so much bounty. I'll say this, too. Angel's such a good presence that Andrew Lowe's set got better and better. Yeah. And we got to hear the whole coin start thing and it made more sense. I'm like, oh, this game ain't going to be good. We'll never know how many people were laughing at the coin surmaterial or how many people in the room were slowly picking up on that angel literally has to lean in like that to be able to absorb. Is that also how you watch movies, Angel? You have to-- yes, I'm actually very blind. I have a 1320 vision. I don't know. I don't know what else I-- I'm sorry. I don't have no idea what else to talk about anymore. I don't know. At this point, I'm just lying to everybody. Perfect. The fact that you've run out of material is absolutely perfect, Angel. I'm so glad I gave you a golden ticket. Amazing. It's going to be a real hoot nanny next time you're off. And everyone-- Tony, he can't miss. You found a full-bodied retarded magic. Look at him. Was anyone else shot up in the same clothes? Michael Jordan of something. There he is. Sound effects for days. Every time he does something, something happens. All right. Andrew, low fun times. Just for the sake of your entire set being about-- or everyone thinking about Angel Diaz while you were up here. Here's a big joke, book. There's nothing that can-- there's nothing that could-- you had to be here for what happened before you. I think you got a golden ticket. It's a little better than a joke book. (audience laughing) - You know the golden ticket, you get a joke book. - I'll give you a joke book, but there you go. - That was first. - Hold on to those things, angel. Don't go selling them to someone in an alleyway, though. (audience laughing) I could tell you're a real hustler, dude. I don't know how you survived. - Can I get those cigarettes up a little quick, total? (audience laughing) Is that. (audience laughing) Biggest noise one more time for angel, Diaz, and Andrew Lowe, everybody. There they go. Where's one more butt slap? There goes Angel. (upbeat music) All right, this has been a long episode, so this will be your final bucket pull of the night, and he goes by the name of Spencer Boone. Everybody are gonna spend this. (upbeat music) Ooh, la la Spencer Boone. (audience laughing) - I like hot dogs. (audience laughing) And my mom has a tramp stamp. (audience laughing) You can forgive your mom for getting a tramp stamp when she's young. My mom was 44 and her third divorce. (audience laughing) I don't think I should be able to remember my mom coming home with a tramp stamp. (audience laughing) I definitely shouldn't have been old enough to drive away from the situation. (audience laughing) A lot of people jerking off to cartoons these days. (audience laughing) I don't like it, it's weird. (audience laughing) It's weird in its gross. Why are you doing that? (audience laughing) Stop. (audience laughing) A guy went to art school to draw cat ears, and I don't like it. (audience laughing) I'm bad at drawing hands and they're nailing tentacles. (audience laughing) I'm Hippocrite though. I grew up loving the goofy movie. (audience laughing) It's a great movie. (audience cheering) I like hot dogs. (audience laughing) I like hot dogs. Sorry, I'm Spencer Boone, thank you so much. (audience laughing) Ah, Spencer Boone. Very funny. Welcome, thank you. Hey, how's it going? He's got a good, he's got great intro. I like hot dogs, fits the face perfectly. Thanks. And the body. And the body. No doubt about it. Spencer, how long have you been on standup? Over six years now. Six years, where are you? Last three here by started in Virginia. Nice. I work at a rock and roll in a horror movie shop. Oh, sweet. Is that here? Yeah, there's one right here on the six street. Right down there. Yeah, crossing the Balkan. Yeah, I still have not been there. I need to go in there. Yeah, we've got a bigger one in South of Mars. It's pretty sick, I love it. Hell, yeah. I love that. You must get interesting people coming in there. Anything crazy ever happened there? Um, man, a lot of dudes with autism coming in for be honest. Well, we also sell toys and figures. So it's Ninja Turtles and wrestling figures and stuff like that. And you meet all sorts, yeah. That's awesome. There's always a guy walking in like I like turtles. And I'm like, yeah, I got you, yeah. Hell, yeah. How long have you worked there? I started working there into 2023. OK. Yeah, I like it. Hell, yeah. That's so fucking cool. Out of all the dudes who come in and ask or say they like turtles, how many of them would you say are virgins? Oh, God, sadly, it's usually dudes with families. Oh, that's not a lot of virgins. Yeah. It's like dudes coming with their kids. They're like, we all like turtles. I'm like, hell, yeah. It's a family affair. Passing that shit on. Yeah, collecting shit they don't need, you know. So do you have to know about all that shit to work there? To a degree, it helps to like know about movies and music. Because we have bands ranging from classic rock through like death metal. So it's like, it's also a merch store. So the more familiarized you are, the easier it is. OK. Fuck yeah. What do you do for fun, Spencer? Go to a lot of rock concerts. Concerts of any sort, just live music in general love. Yeah, favorite bands, favorite bands. Yeah. Oh, as far as like, which genre? Because that's kind of hard. Really anything else? What's your favorite live shows, I'd say? The Acacia Stream. Oh, they're here. They're here in the audience, ladies and gentlemen. It's my favorite metal band. But I mean, last year I saw Wu Tang, and that was awesome. OK. Wu Tang run the jewels. Well, the people from Albuquerque love Wu Tang. Right. It's incredible. Run the jewels is the shit live. Yeah, they are. They were awesome. That was right there. Moody center was sick. Yeah. Two rappers at once turns out it's like, twice as entertaining as one rapper. Yeah, and then Wu Tang's like, seven dudes. You're like fuck yeah. Absolutely, I know when I'm surrounded by seven dudes, I get fucking what Sharon Ruth Hensley would call hard as a rock. OK, so Spencer Boone. You in love? No. OK. Briefly day at a girl over the holidays, and that ended. How did that end? Just wasn't feeling the vibe anymore. You did it. It was mutual. Neither of us were kind of like really looking for a relationship. At least I wasn't really, and it kind of fell into it. Right. You say you fell into it? What exactly does that mean? I work at a horror movie metal shop. Yes. You know, you meet a lot of goth girls. Oh, OK. Oh, yeah. Red band. What do you? He's moaning. He's doing his growl. For those of you that don't want, if you're wondering what we're talking about, Red band does a thing when he wants to talk, but doesn't have anything to say where he just goes, we all hear it up here, but the mic's not near him. So you don't know that he's doing it. He has a thought about something. OK, OK. Goth girls. Horrible hygiene, usually, right? Not in my experience. I don't know what goth girls you've been with. Yeah, we're some real dirt balls. Run through some goth girls stereotypes. Yeah. Condoms. Not typically. No. They want to die. Why would they use condoms? But I don't get with just goth girls. It's been a lot of Latina since I've been in Texas. Ooh, Latinas. What do you notice is the difference between Latinas and goth girls. They're worse when blended together. Ah. Oh, there's a big Latina goth movement. Yeah, they take it too seriously. Do you want to fuck Morrissey fan? No. Ha, ha, ha. That is the most fascinating thing in culture. The Mexican community attaching itself to Morrissey is like mind blowing. It is. I'm hoping that'll happen to me, somehow, that like I'll show up and it'll just be paralyzed people. Yeah. And what did I do to get just people in wheelchairs? It is incredible. It's the shirt. Have you ever thought about performing shirtless? No. You want to try? That's never across my mind once. It works. For you, maybe. No one can do that now. If anyone does it, they just say they're ripping you. Well, it'd be shocked. Yeah. A lot of shirtless comedians these days. I swear to god. There are fuck. Yes. Well, I'm sure you find that. Everyone started releasing crowd work clips. Angel Diaz is going to be releasing a couple. Hell yeah. We love Angel Diaz. There's one lady, literally having an orgasm over there. OK. Can I give one piece of constructive criticism? Sure. So they're coming to another comic. All the jokes you're telling when you get better at comedy will be better. Just keep writing. And then revisit these when you're better at comedy. Because the idea of your mom getting a tramp stamp and you shouldn't be able to drive away from that's funny. You just haven't figured out the right. They're also sortin' for the minute. These are longer bits, idea. Oh, yeah. Ula-la. More details and things. Ula-la. So I don't typically do just a minute. How does the tramp stamp joke go if you don't mind me asking? A longer version. Can we hear the unedited unplugged Spencer Boone? Her tramp stamp matches her PT cruiser she had? Oh, I love that. Yeah, it was a pink, it was purple and blue butterfly with the word crazy beneath it. Oh, are you fucking serious? Is that real? That's real. She had that on her PT cruiser also. No, but she had a purple PT cruiser with blue flames on it. And the license plate said crazy. Wow. I thought you picked the wrong part of the joke to tell. Why wouldn't you bring your mom? It feels like this should be a comedy duo. I bet mom crushes. Yeah. Is mom a funny lady? Not really now. Where's she at? Is she in Virginia still? She's in Virginia. So your home in Virginia is at a very small population. Yeah. I'm from Orange County, Virginia. It's very small. Tell us about it. It's a farm county. I mean, I think the whole county has like 35,000 people. Are you anywhere near the what's that one family called the famous? Oh, the trumps. No, the white Virginia, the wonderful white. I don't know. I don't think so. We're in Virginia. I think that's more Western. Oh, that makes sense. I mean, like the Shandoah Valley area. All right. I'm though about 35,000. What did you do for work when you were there? I used to work in a T-shirt factory. Okay. He used to make band merch. So that was cool. Look at you. Yeah. Spencer, you're a very funny guy. Congratulations. Great times. Here's a big joke book. Awesome. There you go. Thank you guys so much. Spencer Baker. Have a great night. Appreciate it. Good job, buddy. You gave that to you? Okay. All right. We're getting word that Angel Diaz has brought his notes. How did you get those? In the bathroom, you ran into Angel Diaz in the bathroom, and he gave you his notes. All right. Well, it actually does say, All right. Well, it actually does say me. Can you please? Can you please come tomorrow between 10 a.m. and maybe 1 p.m. and fix the AC unit? That's his text. And he said, "I'm doing a live show." He read this. Oh, they're kicking you out. There you go. That's what happens. That's the exact kind of foreigner we need to get out of this country, goddamn it. That guy's just drunk enough to know that Angel did this joke or not know that Angel did that joke on stage. Was he British? No, we should keep that. Hold on to that. We're going to put that in the Killtony Museum one day. It is incredible. His handwriting is very youthful. Incredibly, I don't know if you have a shot at that. Yeah. Child-like wonder. You would think a graffiti artist has better handwriting, but now. All right, everybody, here's the reality. William Montgomery is sick again, everyone. That's right. A vaccinated person in the show's history somehow gets sick once a month. What are the odds? Ari Maddie got snowed into Estonia, everyone. I know. The controversy is wild. But I do have one remaining special treat that you guys might like. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of the greatest Golden Tickah winners in the history of the show. I'll make some noise for the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody. What's up, man, cool. Cool. Okay. I'm sorry. I started to do this new thing on dating apps. I use my baby pictures, and then I say, "Sway right if you want to see how it turned out." [laughter] No, no. [laughter] No, no, no. You know, they're like, "Oh my God, oh, it happened." No, no, no. Like, chill out, chill out. It's been 30 years, okay. Have any of them ever used that flash flattie, anyone ever? I didn't know you have to do that, you know? I was doing it, and I was like, "This hurts." [laughter] I was like, "This hurts." I was like, "This hurts." I was like, "This hurts." [laughter] Martin Billet is consistent as it gets. The most wobbly, rock-solid comedian in the world. You did it again, amazing, Seth. Rick, is this your first time seeing Martin? This is my first time. Yeah. Fantastic. Thank you. You know, mainly, I would just say, straighten up, do what you got to do. I've been trying. I've been trying. Okay. You know what? Maybe do a little coke or something to you that can calm the nerves a little. You have the sweater of Bill Cosby and the movement of a lady that just got a drink from them. [laughter] [laughter] What is that? [laughter] Do you like it? Do you do? What? It's like, he's standing on ice right now. Like that? Yeah, I'm slipping. Yeah, how is this weather treating you? How are you surviving? I ain't here. I've been gone. Yeah, I've chosen Florida, baby. I ain't at that. Oh hell, yeah. It's called you, baby. That's the fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've chosen Florida, baby. He's like a 1940s gangster. Shakes over here, see? [laughter] Been doing, took over the city of Miami, baby. [laughter] I love it, Martin. Did you get that sweater over Christmas? It looks great. Well, thanks. I don't get to wear a sweater. It was too often. So I'm really bombed. [laughter] Or I get sweater. [laughter] Could you stretch the fuck out of them trying to put them on? No, I don't. [laughter] That's what you do with the insurance. [laughter] [music] [applause] Well played, brother. The nerve of the shirt-off guy putting a shirt on, Joe. [laughter] At the nerve of a guy who I don't think can fight. [laughter] Okay. Whoa! What up, the? What up, you new baby? [laughter] You got a knuckleship when you come in your gun. [laughter] Well, you want to cause shenanigans? The worst Dick Tracy villain of all time. [laughter] Oh, Martin, tell us about Florida. How did it treat you? It was really nice, you know. You can shit on it, but then you go there, you know, I get it, you know, that guy. I do entire there too, you know, but then they have, like, gain a community, and it's like, what are you protecting yourself from? Like, there's a very nice neighborhood. Where were you at in Florida? Oh, I went down to, I went to two, retired in the communities of Naples, Florida, and bulk of Rotan, and Wesley Chapel, and now it's like Tampa. And now it burns, yeah, so. Wow. You were visiting retirement communities? Well, I'd say it's that, that's just why all this old people typically live in Naples, and if you're from Florida, the Florida people watch, you know, like, this guy gets it, yeah. I grew up from Florida. Florida correspondent. Yeah, I grew up from Florida. Yeah. I think he was just implying he did cities in those cities. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Stand up in those cities. Yeah. He didn't know that. I don't know. So it was a retard translation thing. Who's the retard? Wait, did I just catch a fucking shrapnel? You're getting a little bit lit up right now, Bert. Jesus Christ. I'm not going to buy this one. The free bird, free bird is on Netflix, angel Diaz is watching it right now. We're going to hear a synopsis, that's going to be next week, Bert. We're going to get the free bird synopsis. So basically there's like this fucking fat guy and a family, you're never going to believe it. He looks just like you. I want to hear Angel describe Cerebral Palsy to the rest of the man, so like basically God didn't like this fucking guy. Damn. Did you get to see Angel Diaz tonight? I saw the antifair, uh, Cerebral Palsy. I got the dress. You kind of had to see the whole thing. He stops his butt sometimes. What? Oh, shit. Oh my god, Martin, I love you so much. You're so fucking consistent, you're so powerful. Catch him everywhere. Catch him on the killer. He's a Kiltonian. His own tour. Guys, how loud can this place get for the great Rick Ingram and Bert Christ? Thanks for everybody, Rick Pals, crowd pleaser, go to the comedy store, YouTube page, and watch it immediately after this please. And then, four before or in any order, go to Netflix and watch Free Bird. These guys have unbelievable things out there right now. This episode's been brought to you by Quo Zippercrooter and Shopify. Do you guys have a good time? Check out the secret show every Thursday, sunsetstripatx.com. Love you guys. We are going back to Los Angeles where it all started in May to the Intuidome, the largest ever venue that we've ever done, bigger than the O2 Arena, bigger than Madison Square Garden, to do a little show that started in front of 12 people, two of those 12 were Laney and Sherry in the comedy store, Belly Room, which all started with the first guest ever on the show. And for Rick Engra, one more time for Bert Christchurch. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night everybody. [Music] [Music] (upbeat music) ♪ She's wide awake in her whiskey hole ♪ (upbeat music)