#753 - SAM TALLENT + JIM BREUER

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHingeCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHingeCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever, ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Who's turning for the best fucking night of their lives? Oh my god, how about one more time for the best damn band in all of the land? That's the Killtony band, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael González, Nachos Belgrande, Wavos Ranceros, the great Matt Mewling on the electric guitar, John Bees on the Keys, and this is D-Madness Live in the Bush. We are back here at the comedy mothership yet again for another episode of the number one live podcast in the world brought to you by Bluetooth, Shopify, Talkspace, and Tacovas. We have a great episode lined up for you guys. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Killtony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th and Dallas, March 28th. Go to TonyHinchcliff.com for tickets. Right now, come see an actual Killtony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th, one in Grand Prairie, March 28th, TonyHinchcliff.com, get tickets now. You guys ready to start this fucking show? Wow! I mean, what can I say? Every single week, I booked this MAMA JAMA, and I don't think it gets much better than this. One of the guests, I've wanted on this show for its 13-year existence. He is all-time, one of my favorite comedians since I was a kid and to this day. The other guest is one of our best guests in the history of the show. I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time and the other guest, for the multiple of the time, make some fucking noise for the great Jim Brewer and Sam Tallinn. Oh, my God, Jim Brewer! What fucking go, baby? Sam Tallinn. Here we go. Oh, yeah. Sam Tallinn, ladies and gentlemen, Jim Brewer, Jim, have a seat. Have a seat. What the hell is Sam doing? He likes the band, Sam likes the band. Jim Brewer, your first time in the Killtony universe, let's fucking go! Hell yeah! I've loved you forever. I'm so excited for you to be joining our silly, silly world that we have here. This is gonna be fun. Hell yeah, it is. I'm hopped up. We're gonna watch some comedy together. It's gonna be exciting. Sam Tallinn is back one of the best in the show's history. I'm very glad to be back. Happy New Year, Tony. Tony's friend, congrats. Sam's got his book, his tour, everything, and not tour when it's every weekend. Please come see me to stand up, all right? It's just my job. Sam Tallinn.com for tickets. Jim Brewer.com for the brand new Find the Funny Tour. It's just about to get started here, Jim Brewer.com, B-R-E-U-R. And we are about to have a goddamn blast. Jim, this is your first time, so you might not know. But over 250 innocent souls are stacked in a disgusting bar next door, and they're all crammed in there together. And they're all hoping that this guy with the red hat and little glasses, famous for yo-yoing and having finger skateboards comes over and says, "Your next, you're going to be on the biggest show in the industry." I pulled their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted, you know. That's the dream, man. Oh, well, yep. What? Yep. That's it. This is what they're waiting for. This guy. I thought he was here to bring red band more vapes. I mean, look at this guy. He's got the headset. This is what it looks like when the ballboy wants to pretend to be the head coach of a football team. You're a gatekeeper. It is. You get so much pussy out of this. It's incredible. Look at him. Look at him. He should be coaching Indiana in the national championship right now and steady. He's smiling. Anyway, I pulled their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted, you know. Their time is up and you hear the sign of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Red band. Graded his job. Everybody's so good. It is. Red band. Very good. Great stuff. You might want to figure that out because that's your only job. Wow. All right. He madness thought it was the sound effects. While we go wrangle that comedian from the bar next door, we have our newest golden ticket winner here to make just her second appearance ever in the show's history. Her first appearance was New Year's Eve in the sold-out Moody Center Arena here in Austin, Texas. This is her first time on the show at the mothership makes a noise for her mothership debut. This is Y-A-Chao Y-Yong, everybody. Thank you. How are we doing? Fun fact about me, I was adopted, but a few white guys, ever since I came to the United States at the age of 20. Most comedians call themselves comics. I just get called Akami. As an immigrant, the first question people ask me is always, "Hey, are you here by yourself? Do you have family here?" When I tell them, "No, I don't have family here. They always pity me." They say, "Oh, I'm sorry. You're here alone?" I mean, yeah, that's exactly why I'm here. You think I flew 13 hours all the way across the world so I can see them again? I'm here to get away from them. Hello, America. Thank you. Y-A-Chao Y-Yong, all right, Red Ban, very good. Red Ban has an affinity for tiny Asian women. Dude, in the green room, I thought she was your wife the whole time. Yeah. It's so dark. I didn't say hello. I'm Sam Town. Hey. You did an excellent job. Thank you. Fun times. Welcome. Welcome. Incredible first set at the mothership. We learned a lot about you. How did you end up here? Did you really come at age 20? Oh, yeah. I came here for school. OK. What did you study? What did you study? I studied music. Yeah. I love music. What did you study? That is surprising. Yeah. What is it? Violin or something? What did you study musically? Yeah. I like to sing and play some instruments. Really? What instruments do you know how to play? Guitar. What I'm not too good at. I'm more like a singer. Really? Yeah. About like the dragon dance thing. [LAUGHTER] I think you were stalking me on Facebook. What? What? You were stalking me on Facebook. What, are you? No, that wasn't me. That was Joe Coy. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] I love Joey. Did you get a degree in music? Oh, no, no, I don't like school. You dropped out the rare Asian dropout. Yeah. That's why she came to America. I love it. So how long did you go to school for? I was a year in Maryland and a year in Florida. Oh, only the best. You've seen both the jewels in the crown of America right there. Maryland, Florida. You spend a lot of time in Florida, right? I'm in Florida now. Watch it, punk. Oh, god. What surprised you about American culture when you came over here? What surprised you? Is people eat a lot? We do eat a lot. Red band, there you go. They need-- people in the warm are the neat weird chair just because they're all awake. Well, quit looking at me. I mean, you just need 50 more pounds and you're on a weird chair. Wait, wait, which way, up? I mean, you look like you could be in Wearcher now. (audience laughing) That's what the lady Adelta said this morning. (audience laughing) Dammit. So your parents are in China? Yeah, yeah, and they don't know I do comedy either. They really don't know? No, yeah. Really? Yeah, because they're broke and I don't wanna give them money. (audience laughing) Why are they broke? What do they do for work? They're just teachers, small business owners, yeah. Oh, what kind of small business? Like a printer shop. Wow, a Chinese printer shop. (audience laughing) Look at that. Sounds like a front. (audience laughing) Yeah, it does. I love it. So now you still live in Florida? Oh, I just moved here in the Austin. Oh, congratulations. Yeah, thanks. (audience cheering) All right, right, bam, it was really Jones and to hit a button this whole time, just scrolling and then he hit that one. I thought ice was here. I was gonna say, oh no. (audience laughing) I said, front! (audience laughing) Ice, more like rice. Whoa, hey, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, come on now. Come on. Come on. (audience laughing) Come on. Gotta show it. No, we're keeping you here. We love you long time. (audience laughing) Wow. So you really know how to sing? Can you sing us something? We'll tell you. Yeah, let's hear something. (audience laughing) Something, not a YouTube copyrighted. Do you have any like originals or something like that? No, no, it's not. Would you like a traditional Chinese folk song? Oh, Chinese song. Yeah, can you sing a Chinese song? That's what we wanted. Oh, wait, can you do like the bing bing bing done? (audience laughing) You know what I'm saying? We got it. He's got the Chinese kit right here. (audience laughing) Turtle shells? (audience laughing) Oh, it's slower, it's slower. That's what it sounds like when you eat a bat. (audience laughing) Can you do acapella? Yeah, I guess. Okay, here she is. (audience laughing) She's like literally anything but what you're planning. On the sides, the moon shows my love to you. Okay, classic. (audience laughing) It's a real panty dropper, sauce. If you want to get a thing or not. (audience laughing) You're the second rep band here. (audience laughing) (audience laughing) Wish I had a knife and I would come and spoke to you. Now, that's Japanese. But. (audience laughing) And I would have known that if I was red band. So. (audience laughing) Ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Making her singing debut. Kino with the solo spotlight. This is Yachau Young. Everybody. (singing in foreign language) (singing in foreign language) Thank you. Unbelievable. Red band's crying over here. You move him. (audience laughing) Look at his face, his entire face is wet. Oh my God. (audience laughing) It's burning because it's alcohol. He's retarded. No. (audience laughing) Yachau Young, you are a great addition to the Killtony family. Thank you. What a way to start the night. (audience applauding) I think you should have stayed in school. (audience applauding) Yeah, I'll meet you later. All right. (laughing) All right, there she goes. Make some noise for Yachau Young, everyone. And now we go to the bucket. This is a crazy part of the show. I mean, this is the heartbeat of the show. This is what it's all built around. It's seeing people, finding people, meeting them, asking them what the hell made them want to do this. This first bucket will says that it's on the inside, representing the audience. I do believe we wrangled them correct. Make some noise for your first bucket poll of the night. Tina, La, Cochina. (audience cheering) Ooh, there's Tina, La Cochina. (audience applauding) Oh, man. I am so happy to be here. I've actually been going through a depression these last six years, you know, since the pandemic. And it started when I lost my dad. Did anybody else lose someone during that time when you couldn't be with your loved ones in their last moments? I am sorry to bring the party down. But I got the phone call and the lady was like, is this Tina? And I said, yes. And she said, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but your dad has been pronounced dead. And I was in shock and I was confused because my mom pronounces it deadbeat dad. (audience laughing) You guys don't have to feel bad for me. I, he didn't leave a will, but I did inherit his blue handicap parking tag. So, where did y'all part, you know? (audience laughing) I do have all his leftover prescription drugs. So if anybody has diabetes or high blood pressure, I'm selling those outside two for five. (audience laughing) I guess know that my dad has passed away. All right, Tina look at Tina. Pushing it to the limit there. Going over her time. Unlike her father. (audience laughing) Who was out too soon. Didn't do the full welcome Tina. How long have you been trying stand-up comedy? Trying, yes. Since the pandemic, yeah. Oh, okay. So you've really been doing it? I'm trying, yeah, I, yes. That's the set that you went with? Oh, you're hands shaking. You're very nervous right now. You're okay, Tina. Yes, yes. Your dad's looking up at us right now. (audience laughing) He's very strong. You're not wrong. My mom would say this. He's very proud of you. Okay, Tina, where do you live? I'm from Robstown, Texas. Okay, all right. Pickers. Okay, all right, that's easy. We really want to like you, you know? (audience laughing) I feel bad, man, 'cause she hyped us up and her fans, you know, her cousins are like, you're gonna crush it, man, you're gonna crush it. And you're all like, just be cool, did her best. You did, she's freaking out. Yeah, yeah. This is, don't freak out. It's all good. You crushed it. Yeah, that wasn't easy, and you did a fine job. Yeah, you weren't expecting it pulled. This is the biggest performance comedy. Of course, your brain's breaking. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. And did your father really pass from COVID? Yeah. I didn't know you could die of a hoax, now. (audience laughing) Now look, now, let's see, you can have that. Put that in the ax, you can. I'll add that in. Yeah, yeah, for sure. I can't use it, thank God. That's how we got out into the paying child support, I think. Oh, okay, now we're cooking. Yeah. Yeah. How many brothers and sisters do you have? I have two sisters and a brother. All from the same dad. No, they got their own dad. Oh. (audience laughing) Was their dad present in their lives? Their dad is alive, deadbeat to them, but still alive. Yes. Wow. Their dad wear a mask. (audience laughing) I don't think we know him, I don't know. Wow, your mom's a real whore, huh? (audience laughing) Says bad taste in people overall, huh? She's alive, and she's watching right now, thank you. Mommy! Mama Kochina, please subscribe. Mama Kochina. Okay, Tina. So, where mom is only fans? (audience laughing) What do you do for work, Tina? I'm an educator, I work in education. What exactly does that mean? An educator, are you a teacher? Yes. Okay, you call it an educator? Is that to make it sound smarter or something? No, I don't know, I'm very. Who are you educating exactly? I work for a beauty school, I teach cosmetology. Oh. Oh, boy, every time I ask a question, it gets worse and worse, everybody. I'm an educator, I'm a cosmetology teacher. (audience laughing) I killed my own father, I visited him at the hospital and I put the pillow over his face, suffocated up. That happened. Wow. Oh, that explains the confident lipstick choice. I like this. Thank you, that's all I have going for me. It's great, you have a great mouth. Thank you, I've been told that for. Wow. (audience laughing) Good Lord. I love it. Tina, what's your love life like? I don't have a love life, but I did bring two friends with me, they're out there, they love me. Three way. Oh. She's famous. Shout out Caitlin, Mr. Window. She's definitely gonna be popular in school. (audience laughing) You're gonna be the wig mannequin. Cosmetology's full of women, there's, I don't have a chance. Let me ask you this. The women that want to learn how to do cosmetology, what are they like? It's a tough crowd. Oh my God. All right, thank you. They're all strippers, very good. We're covering strippers is what's being implied. Yes. Okay, so what do they like? Tell us about it. My students? My students? Yeah, yeah. Oh, my students are bitches. I, yeah. Okay. There you go. Yeah, I'm trying to get out of the industry and start comedy. Yeah, yeah. Oh. Oh, okay. Oh boy. Uh-oh. You don't seem like you're afraid of a challenge. Thank you, I'm trying. Yeah, now that's cool. So you're doing stand-up in where, the middle of Texas-- I am doing stand-up at the Annex in Corpus Christi. Okay. Annex? Annex. Whoa. That was the best room in Corpus, yeah. It's above a pizza place, right? No, no, no. Below the pizza place, yeah. Under, yeah, down the street. There's much of tunnels. Yeah, I've been there. Yeah. Uh-huh. How often do you perform there? They only let me do it once a month. Now what is that? Caitlin. You can ask her, the bar owner is here with me. Hey, mom, I don't know. We don't need to ask the bar owner. No, thank you. I don't need to ask another fucking torta. Why does this chicken isn't getting spots? We don't have enough spots to give out. I don't know what you want. No one gives a fuck, stay in your seat. Tina, look at China. Give us one more crazy fun fact about your life before I get you out of here. Oh, my goodness. A fun fact about me. I can say the 50 states in alphabetical order. All right. OK. All right. Just when you thought you couldn't love her more, yeah. I would ask you to do that. But what's last? What's last? Last. There's nothing fun about me. I don't-- there's fun facts. No Wyoming. What? Yeah. [LAUGHTER] This is brutal. Tina, look at China. You're the first fucking bull of the night. Congratulations. You were on Kiltoni. Tina, La, Cochina. Ladies and gentlemen. All right. Sam, you don't have to shake everybody's hand all night. You don't have to do that. Just let them go. Let them go. There's Heidi. Look at this. Oh my god. What a beautiful sight on these weary eyes. What a difference a moment makes. Tina, La, Cochina, the Heidi. Heidi is the final boss of Cosmetology School. For those of you that don't know. I also-- There's a Tina, La, Cochina, me, Tina, the food. I think so. Tina, the kitchen. She's named after her favorite room in the house. All right. We're going to keep moving on. This is the one word name. Let's see what happens. Make some noise. 60 seconds. Uninterrupted. For fern, everybody. Here comes fern. Do female crips menstruate? I just know they don't fuck a blood like that. My girlfriend has the daddy dumb little girl kink. If you don't know what that is, that's where she pretends she's a little girl. I'm not into it, but I just want to be a supportive boyfriend. But I don't got kids. I don't know what to do. So I just do what my dad did. The good drunk had beat the shit out of her. We all jerk off in front of our pets. Have you ever came on a cat? All right. Was that it? If you think about it, it's just a self-cleaning come rag. All right. All right. Oh, OK. A lot of cat lovers out there, too. God damn. Now, you don't do a pussy pun right there? A pussy pun? Yeah, you think you'd do someone about pussy right there? Well, I'm trying. I got a lot of cat material, dog. [LAUGHTER] I liked it. I thought the jokes were solid. I liked the quiet confidence, letting it linger. It was nice to see some jokes here tonight. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Thank you, son. I love your book, by the way. Thank you. Thank you. A lot of white splotches on those pants. There's a lot of dirt. It looks like the cat's returning the favor, huh? God damn right. I got some cat hair on me a bit. His pants are doing white face, Ram OK. [LAUGHTER] That looks like all my neighbors in Florida. It is the Florida look. Where are you from, Fern? Paris, Texas. OK. So who la la? How long have you been doing stand-up? Five years, actually, yeah. OK, and you've been on the show before, right? Yes, sir, it's my third time. Hell yeah. How's it been going for you, God? It's gone great. Just on the grind mine set, you know, working 58 hours doing comedy five nights a week and cobbling with my cats, red man nose. Hell yeah. Cats comedy work, baby. Cat lover, as you could tell by his huge hands. Cat hair falling off of him. Why are you so dirty, though? I'm an iron worker. I built buildings. Oh, sir. Can you put some light on 9/11? Yes. Actually, it's my favorite conspiracy. Jeff fuel bills. I'm kidding, of course. Yeah, no. We're on YouTube. We know who getting it. Quiet, quiet, quiet. Spiracy. Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet. Burton, tell us something crazy we don't know about, yeah. From 0 to 17, I could not pronounce the letter R. Ooh. Yeah. So I absolve-- If it's hard to describe yourself. Yeah. How would you pronounce it? Foon, what? Foon. No R. Foon. Oh, yeah. We used to know a guy like that. I know what you're talking about. Yeah. So how did you learn how to pronounce R? What speech therapy? I knew I was going to go to the Air Force. I'm vet. Fuck yeah. One vet. And I knew I couldn't say suya suya and get away with it. So I went to speech therapy, fixed that chair right quick. How long did it take you? Pretty quick, actually. Yeah, if I could teach you, all you got to do is pick your tongue up to the roof of your mouth. I had the same thing, dude. I also could not say my ours as a little fat boy. And my favorite X-Men was Wolverine. So my mom had me come in during dinner parties and be like, Sam, what's your favorite X-Men? And I'd be like, whoa, but we, my name is a little fat boy. Looking like John Popper, it was brutal. I was 82 pounds in kindergarten. Really? Fatso. What did you do to lose the weight? I didn't. Oh, you threw it into it. No, yeah, I threw it into it. You threw it into the chair. So I was 82 pounds in kindergarten. I was a fatso, dude. I know. I can relate. Thank you. We should hug. I was really skinny my whole life. Wow. Look at that. Really hot, grew up. I was just about to ask you. Anyway, what's your love life like? Oh, fucking crazy question. So I had a chick kind of fuck me up. Pretty bad. She bought me a plane ticket to Canada. Oh, yeah. And then eight days before she informed me that I was actually the side piece. Yeah, I'm glad they left. It's awesome. Yeah, what's wrong with that? What's the problem? She was telling me I was not the side piece the whole time. I love you, blah, blah, blah, all this, then the third. I would have been fine just being the side piece. She just don't fucking manipulate me. It's a whole fucked up thing, yeah. So what, you didn't end up going to Canada? I did not know. But you talked to her like a lot or something. You like had feelings for her before meeting her? Yeah, she flew down four times. And we just basically had sex all day everyday. It was great. Yeah, yeah, three times a day. Just fucking getting it. I earned that plane ticket. God damn it. Don't buy a dog. OK. So you didn't think just to keep that on the side and be the side piece for you. And then you try to find another girl? I mean, it just genuinely fucked me up. I didn't eat for five days. Then I got on talk space, promo code space 80. That's right. You know what I mean? Help me out of it. And now I'm kind of talking to women right now, but I'm just comedy work cats dog. I'm fucked. You're a catch, man. You're handsome, young man. Thank you. You have a swagger to you. You're covered in Robin Williams' ass care. You're a steel worker, you know? Sir, you're funny. Go get some of that sweet tale the kids are talking about. Yes, sir. Well, Mike's been plowing through it. I mean, he's handsome guy, too. He leaves the hat on. [LAUGHTER] Wow. See, she really damaged you. This Canadian catfish. Yeah, she-- yeah, she was hot. Uh, how long ago was this? Seven, eight months ago. Have you been on dates since then? Yeah, two catfishes, uh, one. It's an internet term for being lied to about who's covered. [LAUGHTER] They know that pretty sure it's one of the big girls from Corpus Christi over there. It's one loud-- table of tortoises over there if we could quiet them down. They're still chiming in. This is the big city to them. Corpus Christi people. So they're having a real hoot nanny tonight. I'm sure they had margaritas at the iron cactus before this and are lit right now. What? (laughing) Just asking her any questions. So give us an example of one of these recent catfishes. You're on like an online dating site and what happens exactly? (laughing) Look, it's all I think about. It's like, she's like, "Did you hear me?" "He was talking to me." "See, I killed Tony!" "Do an asshole!" "Why are you talking to her?" "What's that?" "Sorry, no, you're back." "You're good?" "Yeah, sorry." "We love it." "Do you want to have sex with any of these ladies over there?" "Oh, I wasn't talking to you." (laughing) "She's it." "I'm gonna have to draw them off for some pussy." So it was just a girl with a filter and she ended up being big. "Always 80 pounds plus." "So how old are these fucking pigs?" "Are you going to their house? Are you meeting them for coffee?" "Where are you realizing that you got catfished?" "Yeah, Bar, I've actually started a thing now to where I wait in my car and be like, fuck." (laughing) "You're just watching them enter like a fucking Italian mobster. We're ready to do a hit." "Yeah, I don't know." "We never leave the canole." (laughing) "One time I showed up relatively early. I told the balancer, I was like, hey man, if you see this chick, you know, like thumbs up, thumbs down with the ID." And he's like, "I got you. She was already inside." (laughing) I was like, shit. All right, so I walk inside. She's holding food. And I'm like, "God, dick." "Oh my God." "The problem continues." So, I'm debating. "Do I just leave, what the fuck do I do?" So, I go to the bathroom, call my homie. I'm like, "What would you do?" And he's like, "I don't have the balls to leave." But if you do, that's wild. And I was like, "Bet." So, I like walk out the other way, trying to hit the door. And like, as soon as I get here, she's like, "Hey." And I'm like, "Fuck." "Oh, man." So, I'm sitting down, chitchat, and we're there trying to be polite. And then a spam call calls me. And I'm like, "Oh, hey mom, gotta go." And I fucking bill. Wow, you used a phone call from your mom to get out. I was looking for anything. When you said it was a spam call, that she say, "Awesome." (laughing) 'Cause spam is a greasy food. (laughing) SamTalent.com. (laughing) You're like a son-in-law. Seriously though, dude, I worry for much. You are a father's nightmare. Thank you, sir. Instead of getting married, all right. This is my fucking nightmare, dude, right? (laughing) I don't know. She's a candidate. (laughing) (laughing) Weed outside the pub. You got 11, dad. (laughing) - There was this one time I went on a date. - Oh, I love this. - Yeah, it was-- - Fern's the catfish adventures. - No, they're so fucking minute. - Where was that? - That was the story. Her last name wasn't Brewer, was it? - No. - Okay, all right. (laughing) - I would have kept that one. Uh, I show up. She's like, the dimensions of a toilet paper roll. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah, it's bad. She's celebrating her birthday where the friends downtown invited me out. I was like, fuck it. One of her friends goes, "You were on Killtony." - Ah. - And I go, "Yes, I was." And she gets up and sits next to me and then the catfish had to watch me date her friend. For how long? - Just the night. - Uh, yes, yes, she watched all night and then we started hooking up a little bit. That was fun and then that was the relationship before the Canadian. - Look at that Killtony, changing people's lives. - Amazing. - Thank you, thank you. - You already have a big joke book? - Yes, sir. - Well, there you go. There he goes. Fern, everybody. - Thank you, Joe. (cheering) - One named Fern. - There goes Fern, everyone. Thank you, Fern. - Sam, you don't have to do that. - All right. Okay. Your next bucket poll, we know this guy. We've known him for a long time. Mix the noise to the great Hank Garza. Everybody with a new minute, it's Hank. Big Hank. - Guys, believe it or not, I was actually born prematurely. My dad came quick. It's crazy. The other day I was out in public with my dog and it took a shit. And I didn't have a bag. And I did that move, you know what I was like, man, is this what white guilt feels like? Having to make excuses for animals. All right, you're gonna love this next one. I've been really working on this impression. Here, I'm gonna hit you with it. - Oh, yeah, boss. They look like a skinny Mexican. And they talk like, oh, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. - Yo, that's the Japanese scene, the Navajo code talkers for the first time. No history for your ass. Before I was a dad, I was a drug addict. And I thought I was gonna be a terrible father. So I found dad that being a drug addict and being a dad is actually ain't fucking life. I ended it that, 'cause that's pretty deep. But yeah, that's been my time. Thank you so much. - Okay, thank you. What are the things that it has in common? What's daddy? - Well, for one dog, you're always broke. - Right. - Crazy. But I'm not spending money on eight balls of hotel rooms. Now it's like diapers or strawberries. It's crazy. See, I used to have to test all my shit for fentanyl, 'cause that's how crazy you got. And when I would see that line, I was like, damn. I got to sell this to somebody else. - Yeah, yeah, I like that. (laughing) - Hank. - Now it's my kid's diapers, bro. It's like, it has a blue line. And it's either pissed or shit. You don't know which one it is, and I'm like, fuck. I wish it was fentanyl, huh? (laughing) - Oh yeah. - What's up, Tony? - Hi, buddy. I love it. - You shouldn't have done that, man, and instead. That was a good man. - No, I should have. - My bad, my bad. - Yeah, that's all right. - Rock solid. Rock solid. - Thank you, sir. - Performance, I think ever. - Thank you. - Since you started stand-up, we were all there when you started a few years ago. How's it been going? - It's been going great. It's been going great. Just chasing this shit. I'm a loser, so I can't do anything else. So I like, I cannot fill it this. So I'm just showing up. And even if I, I'm just showing up thug and just learning from you guys, and just trying to get better, that's it, dude. - I love it, yeah. - I love it. - You seem happy, kids are good. - Kids are great. - Yeah. - Yeah, kids are great. They're dads. And now I'm not all fucked in the head, and like, just, yeah, man, it's crazy. I love it. - How did you, what do you, how did, what helped you quit drugs? - I got addicted to stand-up. - Okay. - Straighter, I got addicted to chasing that high of just watching these fucking strangers just look at me. - What drugs were you doing? - Pro at the end, it was everything. Oh, it was like, at the end, it was a lot of opiates. - Okay. - Yeah, but if I had a, well, I love Coke. - All right. I love Coke. - Wow. - Wow. - I hope those things are a lot more fun than stand-up. - I know, I know, but it's terrible on your health. - Well, I mean, so stand-up. Look at me. - I guess, I guess-- - I'm 23. (laughing) I know. I lost 100 pounds. No one believes me. (laughing) - Yeah. I've lost weight, too. And I hate when people always like, try to find a cop out for whenever you lose weight. They're like, "Hey, was he your thyroid?" The fucking thighs rub. They didn't roared. (laughing) - I feel like buyin' that. batteries. Now, what other things about weight loss are funny? (laughing) - All right, Sam. - Well, stick it over here. - Okay. (laughing) - You're around here. - You married, too? - Yes, sir, 13 years. Solid wife. - So your chick was there when you were nuts. - Nuts. - Nuts. - Wow. - Yeah. - Stuck through it off. - All right, that's a down-ass drink. - Straighten you up, didn't she? - Hell, yeah, she ain't no "teena-cochina." (laughing) (clapping) (clapping) - Big hang with the call back. (laughing) Cranked at deep, deep, life center, and it's a home run. (laughing) - There you go. (laughing) - Got it. Hang what else is goin' on in life? Anything else crazy? - Yeah, man, huge shout out to the Riot River Walk. They made me a door guy there. They took a chance on me. So if you're ever in San Antonio, the Riot River Walk come down. We have solid comedians out of San Antonio. Trust me. - Beautiful. - But they took a chance on me and I can't think of enough. - I love it. - Well, great performance. Here's a big joke book. Bingbong, the great. Hang ours, everybody. We're gonna keep it moving along here. On to the next one, we go. Make some noise for your next fucking poll, ladies and gentlemen. It's Dave Litz. Dave Litz, everybody. Here it is. Hey, everybody, walko, walko, walko. Nanoo, nanoo. My mother-in-law survived stage four pancreatic cancer by having her pancreas cut out. - Blip. - That's right. Yeah, my mother-in-law was born in Sendai, Japan. And in Japan, they don't have the same diseases that we do. They don't have the same health. health problems, they don't have pancreatic cancer. So they gave her two choices. They were like, you can either live and we, oh, cut out to your pancreas. Or you keep your pancreas in and you die. So she was like, I want to leave. So they cut out her pancreas. So she now has a permanent insulin pump and type three diabetes, which I like to call triabetes. But so in one woman, my mother-in-law, the Japanese cured pancreatic cancer, they invented a cyborg and they perfected triabetes. So you know why Japanese can't keep a secret? Because they're always spilling their guts. Do you see that? All right, David. David? OK, welcome to "Dying Parent Night" here on Killtony. This is very, very-- everyone's very dark tonight. Everyone's-- every parent is getting-- de-madness. It's pissed. Every two seconds, he's staring crack, baby. He's going, yeah. Yeah. Have to set up your role right. Yeah. De-madness can tell when someone's bombing. He doesn't need to see it. He can hear. Dave, welcome. So I really don't get it. Your mom's Japanese? Or she lived in Japan? I said she was my mother-in-law, Tony. Oh, your mother-in-law. How dare you, Tony? Hard to keep track of. My mom's Tallahassee Lassie. So she's the seminal. Right. OK. I didn't know they had gay Nazis. This is incredible. I thought all of them had a gay. I think Nazi fascism is gay to all together. Oh, yeah. Is that a-- you have a gem attached to your cheek? A dermal anchor, yeah. A friend of mine invented it. It's called a dermal anchor. A dermal anchor. It's an anchor and you're sinking. Not every time. Yeah, my dad was in the Navy, so I'm used to it. Hell, yeah. What do you do for work, Dave Litz? I just got a job at Peterries. I literally have one of the greatest jobs on the planet. So Peterries is 100% here in Austin, and it's 100% beef. It's one of the greatest jobs I've ever had. [LAUGHTER] Make sure you get that in when you get out there. Forget it, the jokes don't work. Oh, no, get that in there. I started talking to my manager. I would like to do a Monday where we actually feed all the comics. There's like 300 comics. Most of them are homeless people. They would love to have some hamburgers. [LAUGHTER] I think it'd be a real good night. But see, you just work a normal Peterries. You're not the manager or anything? Nah, man. My wife's the number one recording artist from the Gold Coast of Australia. OK. My wife's name's Mia Mews. What's she play? Did you redo? Every day. Yeah, with her hoo-ha. Is that funny? Mia Mews. M-I-A-M-U-Z-E. Go to the foreign media folder. Z-E. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, they say Z in Australia. It's right, fun down there. I actually got to be locked down in Australia during COVID. And then when they finally let me leave, they kicked me out for three years. It was great. What do you mean they kicked you out for three years? Because I overstayed my visa. Because I was there on a vacation visa because they shut down the airport. When I was leaving the country legally to come home, they said I could not return for three years because I overstayed my visa during COVID. Wow. You made people fight each other in the back of the room. People are-- This is awesome, man. People-- I don't make anyone fight here. They just do that. That happens when you step in homeless. So Mia Mews is the breadwinner. And you are the hamburger winner. 100%. And what does she think about you working at a fast food joint? She's in Australia right now. She doesn't have to worry about what I do. OK. In Brisbane right now, she's performing. She does a lot of radio gigs, stuff like that. Does she, as part, said, too? I don't know. No, I'm here. I moved here. I live on Ben White and Bannister. I've been-- Wow. Direct cross streets, ladies and gentlemen. If anybody's looking to hire Dave Litz, just take a megaphone, too. Lock downtown every day and do open mics every day. Sometimes five to seven a day. Almost 30 years. 30 years? Is that what you just said? Hold on. Stop. Stop the piano. Stop. Is it-- Stop Dave over here. Do not talk to them. Dave over here. Dave? Dave? Dave? Dave. Shut the fuck up and look at me. 30 years, Tony. I did it in high school. I actually got suspended from school for doing a joke. OK. Stick with me, Dave. Over here, I need you to focus. So have you been performing at that rate that hard for that long? You've been working hard at this for over 30 years? I got here from St. Louis, where I was performing at the funny bone. I just got in with the improv group at the-- What were you doing at the funny bone, featuring for somebody? I was trying. Yes. What do you mean trying? You have to show them how to do open mics. So you did open mics at the funny bone. OK. You did at the funny bone every day. What's the biggest gig that you've done in the 30 plus years? Cruise lines. Not really big. How long were the sets that you were doing on cruise lines? Oh, an hour long. I bet people were taping anchors to themselves on those cruise lines and jumping off. Oh, man. Yeah, they have it. They have the comedian song Cruise line. You were my favorite person on the planet. I can't believe I'm this close. Yeah, here's the best. Yeah. You guys have been doing stand-up of the same light that time. You probably didn't open mics with them 40 years ago. I've never done one with you, though, Tony. Oh. OK. Oh, you'd be careful. I might bite that gem right off your cheek, keep flirting with me. I did get that close. You're not Joe Rogan, bro. I don't know what that means. Anyway, so do you have ninja skills? Joe Rogan has, like, OK. All right, Dave, you're retarded. Stick with me here. How long have you been? Dave, stop just yapping. Listen, focus on the B present, Dave. You're rambling over there. How long have you been married to this lady? 12 years. And you got married in Australia, where'd you meet her? Colorado Springs. At a show, were you at one of her shows? I was shooting laser beams on top of a nightclub, and she was performing. Oh, she's not real. Yes. She's really a famous musician. She also a student of beekeeping and medication. She does. She actually has-- she studied beekeeping at a Buddhist temple. And she has her own beehives. See, actually, what kind of tinder? Well, I'm not going to be keeping you here any longer. How about that? Here's a-- here's a little joke book. There you go, buddy. Bingbong. There you go. [LAUGHTER] [MUSIC PLAYING] [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] Oh, my God. What a freak, man. Unbelievable. What the hell? I mean, where that was going. I don't know what that was. I'm like, what's the biggest gig you've done in your 30 plus long year career? He's like, I did the funny bonus. And I'm like, what'd you do? He's like an open mic. Yeah. You could do that that night. You could start that day and do an open mic at a funny bone that night. Nothing prevents you. Three decades plus of attempting stand-up comedy. The biggest thing he's done is something that fucking Tina Kuchina could do. Some believable. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens here. Who knows? This guy could be doing it for the last 90 years. Yeah, he's a vampire. Make some noise for Trevor Lewis, everybody. Here we go. [MUSIC PLAYING] [APPLAUSE] In my experience, black people-- listen, are less uptight about race than white people are. You feel how tensed the white people are? I used to drive DoorDash in a ski town. And let's be honest, not a lot of black people ski. So I was driving DoorDash. This is a true story. And I pulled into a busy parking lot at the base of the ski village to drop off in order. And I called up my guy. I said, hey, I got your food. I'm pulling up. I'm in a silver Nissan Rogue. And he said, all right, I'm black. [LAUGHTER] I found him. [LAUGHTER] I was surprised he said that. But he was being helpful. Actually, he was more helpful than I was because there were more silver Nissan Rogue than black people in that parking lot. [APPLAUSE] Wow. You must have been to an instant of 500 years. This is incredible. written material. Small, topical, well-executed, edgy, but not sad as fuck. Not a single dying family member or cancer reference, or depression, or pandemic, or white guilt. None of these things. You don't have a dipshit haircut? Yeah. No gems hanging off of your face. Yeah. Your bones aren't pierced. Yeah. What the hell? Shocking. What a relief. Welcome Trevor. Thank you. How long have you been on stand-up? One year. What? Oh my god. Oh my god. Let's clone him and make 30 of him and kill Dave Litz. I think Dave's going to do it himself. He's been doing it 30 years until tonight. Yeah. Good work, quirky man. That was good. Thank you. How old are you? I'm 26. All right. Amazing Trevor. Wow. You've been doing it one year. What made you want to start stand-up a year ago? Okay. Well, honestly, I moved here after college. I wanted to be an independent filmmaker. And I was grinding away right in screenplays, faced writer's block, but I was going to show it around here. Show it at the mothership. And I was like, I can get up there. I can do that. Hell yeah. Yeah. Amazing. And you've been working hard at it? Oh yeah. Really hard. You love it. I love stand-up. You're addicted to it now. And filmmaking is kind of-- Oh, it's gone. Right. Incredible. How are you making money to survive in the meantime? I wait tables. Nice. Absolutely. Do one what you got to do. Yes, sir. Is the great, uh. Is it not out of shredding? Anyway, it doesn't matter. Uh. -Was it Shen Yun? -No. Nina Simone, do what you gotta do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do Uh, to be determined right now. -Okay. -You never had sex? -I have had sex. -All right. [ Laughter ] -That was a good question. I didn't want to ask it. I didn't want to be disrespectful. -No. [ Laughter ] -It could be my son. I just said -- -You've been on the room a long time. -Thank you. -Long time. -I've been on the room a long time. -You have a regular girl that you hang out with. -I met a girl at my restaurant. She came in to eat. -Oh, yeah. -Hung out a couple times. -You were shooting lasers at her, something like that? [ Laughter ] -Keep going. -Yes, he came in to eat with her parents. -Uh-huh. -And she had just moved here. -Uh-huh. -Bought a house. -Ooh. -Was asking me all these questions about Austin. And I became like the guy who answers the questions. -Look at you. And then what happened? -Uh, and then we exchanged contact information. And I was like, "I think you're cute. You want to go out?" Then we went to a show at the Creek in the Cave. -Ooh. -And then hung out a couple times since. She's been in Thailand for three weeks. -Ah. -Getting the surgery. -Ooh, that's hot. [ Laughter ] -Oh, yeah. [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, yeah. -This is a special girl. That's good. -She really likes me. -Yeah, and you met her parents already. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -That's cool. Incredible. -You're never gonna see her again. -It's possible. You don't need her now. You were funny here for a minute. [ Laughter ] -You're great. You have any hobbies, any things that you're into, like Pokemon or something? -Minecraft. -Uh, I like to read. -Oh, yeah. -Of course he does. -Yeah. -Wow. -Yeah. Reading a book by Frederick Jamison right now on postmodernism, it's pretty cool. -Yeah, perfect. -Yeah, perfect. -No. -This is who I want, marrying a daughter. -Yeah. -This is the dream. -Yeah. -He's always happy. -Yeah, that's what I'm doing. I'm gonna do it. Everything's great. I'm gonna do it. I like to do it. I want to do it. I want to do it. And he knows he's crushing. I love this guy. -Yeah. -Set her up. Set her up. -Yeah. -If I had a daughter, he also wanted to marry a gay virgin. -Yeah. -That would be optimal, sir, yes. [ Laughter ] -Yeah, if he walked through the door just like that, like, "Oh, we're going to have a dream come true." -You don't even have a penis. Welcome here. [ Laughter ] -No, you do, right? -Other than reading, Dave. -Other than -- I mean Trevor. Other than reading, what else are you -- When you let your hair down, when you want to get a little wild, what does a guy like Trevor Loobus do? -Yeah, so I've always been an athlete. So, I mean, I grew up playing football. I was really competitive. -Wow. Where did you grow up, exactly? -In Virginia outside of DC. -Wow. Incredible. And you're a football player. -I was a football player. -Was it a town of little people or something? -Was it like Munchkin land? -I believed in myself a lot. -Wow. What position did you have? -I was a quarterback. -Wow. Look at you. -Absolutely incredible. -My God. -He said the passing record at Middle Earth high. [ Laughter ] -Stand up next to me. How tall are you? -Oh, yeah. -Oh. [ Laughter ] -Oh, my God. -Oh, Middle Earth. -A lot of ladies and gentlemen. -Yeah. -I'm one of the big ones. [ Laughter ] -Look at that. Every great quarterback needs an offensive line next door. -I got your blind side, buddy. -Absolutely. -I don't know how comfortable I feel, honestly. -No one asked. [ Laughter ] -Welcome to show business, kid. [ Laughter ] -Incredible. So, did you have a lot of black players on the team? -There were a lot of black players. -And you would throw the ball to them because they're good at running in-catching, correct? -Yeah. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -Did they -- was there a backup quarterback? -I was the backup. -Oh! [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] Did not see that coming. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughter ] -What? [ Laughter ] -If you had to describe what the starting quarterback looked like, how would you describe him? -Kaleb Williams. -Okay, can you use some more -- -Like his name was Caleb Williams. -It was Caleb Williams? -The actual Caleb Williams was the starting quarterback. The quarterback of the Chicago Bears. -The quarterback of the Chicago Bears. -Was the quarterback ahead of you? -No, he was a freshman. [ Laughter ] -Right, but he started over you. -Put the team. -Oh, wow. Incredible. [ Laughter ] -Boy oh boy. One moment, he's a super athlete from Virginia. The next you realize, "Fuckin' nothing." Absolutely nothing. You have the same sports history as Dave Litz and his face gem. [ Laughter ] -Wow. -Are you still friends with Caleb Williams? -I was never friends with Caleb. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -Great guy though. Great guy though. Bad rap. -Bad rap in what way? -Do you -- -Have you seen Twitter? -No, tell us about it. We're not looking. We're not searching. We're not searching our high school bullies on Twitter. [ Laughter ] -Or our crushes. -Okay, so now you get your revenge. -No, no, no. Being totally straightforward, he is such a great guy. Man, really high character. But people on Twitter give him a hard time for the pain in nails and I think that's unfair. -Well, pain in nails ain't nothing when your girls in Thailand for three weeks, buddy. [ Laughter ] Trevor, very, very, very, very great set, very, great interview. Your presence, you're aware, you're funny. Keep it up. Nothing can stop a Trevor Lewis ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. That's how it's done. He wrote. He took his time. He performed. He executed. And here we go with one of our regulars, ladies and gentlemen. It is that time. You know him. You love him. He's known as the dark storm of Atlanta. Makes the noise for dead, direct, bland, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, my God. It's so good to be back home. I hate flying. I was scared of it and that's not an irrational fear. And I'm tired of people bullying. We're not supposed to be up there. And if we were supposed to be up there, then why did God invent gravity? All right. God wanted us on this ground, not in the air. If he wanted us in the air, he would have made us angels. But we're not supposed to be up there. We're defying God. All right. We are defying God being up there. And I'm not religious, but when that plane starts to urbanize it, I believe in God. [ Laughter ] When the plane got tuberculosis, nigga, you -- Oh! My father, who I haven't hallowed be that name, you know, I can't. I had, what, I took my first, I took my first private jet, right? And I didn't pay for it. Tony did. It was Tony's plan. I was going to open up for Tony, and I can tell y'all this, fuck little planes. All right. Fuck little plane. We're not supposed to see the captain. All right, that's what I'm, we're not supposed to see the captain the whole time that I was supposed to be in 30F. Niggah, I'm not supposed to be in between, 'cause you, I'm not supposed to hear what they hear or see what they see. Lighting me over the intercom, all right? That's, I turned around and I looked and I saw the map that they saw with the plane going and the map was red and we can agree that red mean bad. Red mean bad, and I know red mean bad because the pilot came and he leaned over to us. He was like, hey guys, we're going to get into some turbulent weather. It's going to be really increment, which if the people say that, we're going to die. You know what I'm saying? When you start using big words, somebody about to die. And he was like, put, you make sure you guys are buckled up as if I ever took off my seatbelt. And he was like, y'all, we're going to be fine. But the whole time he was talking, I didn't say nothing because I was scared and I was crying. But I really wanted to say, Niggah, get back up there. All right, why are you back here, this plane take two people. I turned around and the pilot doing this with both of the steering wheel. Thank y'all so much in there. Wow. Wow. That's the difference between buck and pulls, golden ticket winners and Killtony regular. That was great, absolutely incredible. You keep that pace the whole time when you do like an hour. Are you just banging like that? Absolutely. Damn, dude, that's great. That's really funny. You look like both members have run the jewels combined. Yeah. This debt, this debt flash shit. That's, that's, I don't know what that's mean, but I love you so much. I love you, man. No. That was great, dude. I wasn't sure where he was going. I was a little worried for a second and all of a sudden you're like, bam, I was on the ride with you brother. I was, I was the horse. Not supposed to see the captain just absolutely hilarious. It is, it is strange. You don't really get used to it. No. No, that's not what you told me when I was crying, you said, no, you took, this Niggah, Tony is a liar. This Niggah Tony is a liar. He gonna look me dead in my face as I'm panicking and he was like, "Dedrick, this happens every flight. There is, there is always turbulence. You'll get used to it. It's a jet, right? He's, he's telling me that, but Ari Maddie is sitting behind that Niggah, eyes like this grippin' is. He, we hear him all the time, they don't happen every time. He's scared, too. Like, look at me. And Ari's seeing some shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he was gonna, because the son of mod was on the plane, oh no, right? And then he gonna tell, he gonna tell me he's like, "You're panicking for no reason." I said, "No, Niggah, you're not panicking enough, because the plane go down. We're blaming you." All right, we're blamed, the people be like a son of mod. Hey planes, it, it's a little trick. You can feel the turbulence on a smaller plane, a little bit better than a, than a big one. Yeah. Better. But it's all. Turbulence isn't bad, though, like, but you're not supposed to feel it like that, like in a little plane, on a big plane, yeah, but you're safe as fuck. Oh, it's so scary. I don't trust you, Ray Maddie. Yeah, there's. On the jet, would you? Great hit. Put by Red Band, repeating everything we just said. Amazing stuff. I don't say that just 'cause y'all landed safely, but y'all know at that time, because I looked at you looking at me, looking at everybody else, we thought we was going to die. 'Cause you weren't even going nowhere real. We was going to Lincoln, California, and then I've never heard of Lincoln, California, damn my life. But there's a sense of peace when you think that you're going to die. No? Oh. You been popping. I just started. I think I'm not supposed to die right now. Yeah. And, man, look at what money you're going to tell me how I'm supposed to feel right now. Well, there, I was on a private plane with Tim Dylan one time in Europe, and we thought we were going to die, and I just kept thinking about the headline the next day, Tim Dylan, in Fat Prostitute, dead in place. Yeah. My name wouldn't make the headline in that instant. It would have been Tony Hinchcliff, and, you know, three-door guy's dead, that's what they would have done to your memory. They couldn't even have mourned me, man. Yeah. Because red, man, once I was talking to you, did somebody die on the flight back from you? Yeah, yeah. I had to fly next to a dead person next to me, though, for six hours. That was fucking horrible. Yeah. He was on a flight back from London, and a guy next to him died. No. Dude. Yeah. And they tried to, like, do the CPR for, like, 30 minutes, and then they had to check it. I'd been sitting next to this guy every Monday for 13 years. And, like, I couldn't handle 10 fucking hours, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Yeah. You guys have any idea how fucking hard this job is? Other people are literally, instead of watching an in-flight movie, they're like, "I'm fucking." Yeah. It's the first suicide in the history of first class. Yeah. Three. Three. Three. See? This fucking guy. Yeah. Don't go ahead and be out in my house tonight. You don't know what I'm having. Danger! What else is going on? You just made your Netflix debut? You said "Yeah!" We have the still in the top ten on Netflix right now. I think we're top two. Am I correct? Top two? I don't know. Something. It doesn't matter. It flip flops. These women at home have a-- they're all watching-- watching a bunch of bitch shit ahead of us. A bunch of woman shows. These moms are all at home with nothing to do. It's fucking-- anyway. That was crazy. 15,000 people was insane. I didn't even know that I had that many fans. Honestly, but when they called my name, y'all gave me a standing ovation. And that's why this is my new hometown. I'm renouncing Atlanta, Georgia. Yeah. The dark storm of Austin, Texas. Let's go. Patrick, you did it again. You are unbelievable. There he goes. The future has arrived. Patrick, motherfucking Flynn. And back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. You know what it is. The lovely Heidi, everybody. All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Mike Holder, everybody. Mike Holder. Here we go. Thank you, thank you very much. I've got an embarrassing confession to make. I've recently learned that spilling the beans does not mean fumbling a hot Latina. I don't understand these phrases. I'm from Sudan. I'm not American. I just moved there five years ago. And as you can imagine, I've been misgendering people left and right. It was so fucked up. Until I learned, I never have to worry about misgendering. If I just call everybody in my nigger, next to the whole lot easier for me, also learned that in America, we don't trust the government. I mean, what kind of government shuts down? And then the Air Force said the freezing area 51 program, or as I like to call it, putting the aliens on ice, has to be the only country in the world where kids have imaginary friends. But how come it's always one imaginary friend? To me, that shows that even in their imaginations, there's still fucking losers. Fucked up. That's very much. Wow, my holder with a great set. Thank you. Amazing. You've been on the show once before? Was before. Heck yeah. Yeah, I remember you. Yeah. I remember you. Because you blend in with the back wall behind you, one of the rare comedians that blend in with the black bridge of the mother ship. Welcome back, Mike. I mean, night and night difference between this last set that you had tonight and the other one, right? Yeah, I was fucking crushed right now. Thank you very much. Amazing set. How's life been going for you? Remind us how long you've been on stand up? Coming up on four years. Four years. All of it here in America? Yeah. Three years in Arizona. You've been here for one year. Yes. I've been here for a while. -Wow! -That's as much as I knew as well, Joe. [ Laughter ] -You got a lot of questions, huh? -Yeah. -No, no, you don't see a lot of people from Sudan every day. Once the last time, you said, "Hey, where are you from?" -S Sudan! -Whenever I'm in Minneapolis. [ Laughter ] -No, that's Somalia. -My God. -You know, I'm trying. -Not to fall wrong. -You know, fall wrong. -Not Sudanese? Look at these, right? Tomato, tomato. I love it. What are the Sudanese known for? -What's -- -Generosity. -Really? -Wow. -In what way? Can you give us an example of Sudanese -- -Hospitality and generosity. They would take in almost anybody. They would take in anybody unlike America. -Is that true or are you -- -No, no, no, I'm being honest. -Really honest. Ask anybody. -Okay, what else are they known for? Generosity, isn't exactly what I was expecting. Give me another Sudanese stereotype. -Stereotype? -You're from there. Remember, this is your country. -Yeah. Okay, gossip. -Gossip? -Yeah, that's terrible. Terrible. Terrible gossip and backbiting that we're known for. -Backbiting? -What's that mean? [ Laughter ] Red band. Red band. -Red band, I said my mom is his last son. -Yes, he -- He doesn't have much in his repertoire. But it works every goddamn time. -I love how he crow-barded in. He set himself up. -Yeah. -Your family back home? -No, they're all left. -Great stuff. -Yeah, they all left. It's a war zone country. It's messed up. Everyone leaves as soon as they can. -How did you avoid war there? -I got a free green card. -How did you get a free green card? -Diversity TV is a lottery. Thank you very much. -Wow. -That was very much. -Wow. -Yeah, I came there. -What year was that? -Earned 2020. I came in one day before Trump issued a travel ban. Oh, my God. I'm here. -Right. One day. -Yeah. Well, that's one way of putting it. And another way of putting it is you got that green card during the Trump administration. -Yes. -There you go. -Thank you, too. -You're welcome, Mr. President. -You're welcome. -This guy. -Thank you. -Mentions the travel ban doesn't mention that he gets to go to the greatest country on planet Earth. -Very thankful. Very thankful. It's a great gift. -Absolutely. -Becoming a citizen soon, hopefully. -Let's give some credit where it's due. I thought you guys were known for your generosity. [ Laughter ] -Good gracious. -So, what's the biggest culture shock for you coming to America? What surprised you about America? -Dating. -Dating. -Pretty weird. Tell us about it. -Yeah, because this country is huge, very diverse. Like, just last week, I went out with this real skinned chick. I wasn't sure whether or not she was bulimic. So, I took her to in and out. I had to let her make the decision. Turned out she's normal. She's not bulimic. But she's so fucking stupid. I'm sorry. How does that-- -Oh, tell us how you know she's stupid. -Yeah. How do you know? -She's a history major. And she asked me if B.C. means before COVID. -Oh, my God. -She asked me if bipolar disorder means stripping a two different clubs. It's fucked up. It's fucked up. Too stupid for me. -Incredible. -That would kill in Sudan. [ Laughter ] -No, we don't have bulimian Sudan, no. -They don't call it bulimia. They just call it being alive. [ Laughter ] -It's very hard, difficult, war-torn. -What's your favorite type of woman? All the diverse choices you have here whereas in Sudan, I'm pretty sure there was just one thing on the menu there. -Yeah, one thing on the menu. That is women are not too bad, you know. You know what's great about them? They don't show bruises. -Oh. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] -So now that you're in America, what's your pick? Have you tried any of the latinas, the whites? What are we going with nowadays? -It's all whites. -It's all whites. -It's all women, white women, yeah. -In South Africans. [ Laughter ] -I don't mind them either, yeah? -Yeah, they're tall whites. -What, there's other types of tall whites here in America, Sam? -I'm just saying worldwide, you know? -Germans. -Germans are tall chicks. -Nordics. -Strong boys. [ Speaking German ] -Have you been with a German woman before? -No. -Now? -I think you might enjoy yourself. -What do you say to her? -I mean, it's different. I'm just saying. -Okay. [ Laughter ] -We'll try it. We'll take your work when I'll try it. -I'm just saying. -You haven't seen it. -You've been with any, like, plus-sized women? -No, not for me. We got a bad back. -It's not your thing, huh? -No, bad back, okay. -See, that's a Sudanese stereotype. -It is. -That's an interesting thing. -They do, like, big women there. -Oh, they do, like, big women there. Okay, so maybe it's not a stereotype. Your family is all gone, but where are they in America? -In Europe. All of them in Europe. -Okay. -And they're happy. -Oh, yeah. -Are they proud of you? -Amazing. -My mother is very proud of me. -Amazing. Incredible, Mike. I love your story. I love to see you fucking absolutely. I have a totally great set here tonight. -Thank you guys very much. -Did you get a big joke for glass time? -Small one. -You got a small one. Well, guess what, buddy. This is where the hard work gets you. A big joke book. All right. For having fun. -Yeah. -Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Jay Moody, everybody. Here we go. -Guys, I've been a. I've been micro-dosing a lot. It's like a lot. Probably too much. Just a little bit throughout the day. You know that's how they say micro-dose. I've been micro-dosing cocaine. That's how you do it. If I could afford a macro-dose, I would. I can't. They said, "P. Diddy had a thousand bottles of lube." "P. Diddy had a thousand bottles of lube left." You got to understand. LeBron is tall. That's a lot of baby oil. It just makes me wonder, like, the Oscars and the Grammys. What are these after parties? Like Epstein's dead and P.D.'s in jail. They got us sucked, dude. Those actors are like, "I'm not going." The after parties. He's only got like a thousand bottles left. This isn't going to be that fun. Okay. Jay Moody. Welcome, Jay. What's up, brother? Like nine years. Okay, we're at. Lakeshore, Louisiana. Mostly through Louisiana. All right. There they are. You still live there? Yes. Nice. So you came here just for this? Yeah. A couple guys have been coming to this. They were like, "Hey. You got to come. They've been coming a bunch." And this is my first time. So what do you guys do? You like getting a car and then make the drive day-up and then go back that night no matter what. Are you guys staying in town? We're staying in town. We got a hotel room. It's pretty much six hours of just dick jokes and then. Yeah. Yeah. Do you take a car or do you take a fanboat? How do you get here? [ Laughter ] Little lake Charles stuff, yeah. We took a Toyota Comma to get here. Oh, wow. Yeah. Four guys or three guys and then a ton of backpacks for some reason. And then a bunch of fitted hats that none of them wore. I was in the back seat, it sucked. Hey, there you go. [ Laughter ] What do you do for work, Jay? About audio engineer. Oh, okay. You got a sound company. All right, and a sound company. Very cool. You married? No. Girlfriend? Yes. How long have you been with her? Four years. What does she do? She is a fine dining server. Oh. A fine dining server. Charles? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not just a server. She's like one of them. Yeah. She works there. It's pretty nice. She naggy? No. What's the restaurant, Sisley? It's a very nice Chili's, thank you. Yeah. We have two for one margaritas. It's a nice establishment. Amazing, Jay. Yeah, we say a grip. Donnie like every grip at every product. She's like, "Hey, what's going on?" I'm doing stand-up a night, too. Yeah. Saying to me, "Sorry." No, he's got to look. It's got to look. This looks like it could be our second backup corner back of the night. Yeah. Yeah. It's the jogging pants that really do it. Are those for jogging? No. I don't fucking jogging dog. I don't think those are jogging pants, pal. Coming from over there and over here. I was like, "Oh, I don't know if I'll be able to tell a joke. I'm out of breath." They're not for jogging. No, no. You have any? You have any? I don't know what the fuck they're for, honestly. Sleeping, perhaps. They look like pajama pants. They look cozy. If they look-- The pocket keeps his hard-boiled eggs warm. [laughter] JD, you have any special skills or talents that would surprise us? No. I play a lot. The bass guitar pretty well, but that's about it. Oh, okay. Well, I wouldn't know where we could find one of those. No, I don't. JD, have you ever done anything crazy in your life? You ever, like, almost die? Oh, yeah, a lot. Yeah. Tell us about that. I just used to, like, eight years of my life. I just did cocaine every day in Louisiana. [laughter] And that's enough. I've been on, like, just doing bumps, like, "Hey, stop the airboat so we can do a line of cocaine." 'Cause it's very hard to do them on airboats. -Let's talk about those eight years. So, like, can you take us through a routine of, like, what a day in the life, Lake Charles, Louisiana, doing cocaine? -Well, I was also working fine dining. [ Laughter ] -Ah, yeah. -If you were my waiter, bro, I would leave, all right? -This is like -- -This is also -- It's got to be this point. These are, like, members only places, and then they -- I walk up them, like, a good evening. -Was this before or after those guys from True Detective broke up your uncle's sex room? [ Laughter ] -During. But, now, the eight years is -- Well, this is what I'll do. I just go to work, get cash tips, buy a bunch of cocaine, and then wake up at home and be like, "Hold on, that wasn't that bad." No idea how I got there, what I did. There'd be, like, an alligator in my front yard. That's pretty nice. -Wow. Louisiana cocaine. That's a WD-40 mixed with, like, what, what is that like? -No, no. In most parts of the country, they call it crystal meth. But they're -- [ Laughter ] -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -What's the long cocaine? -Okay. -Your girlfriend, does she do cocaine? -No, no, no. -She's a good person. -She's a curb or a fancy restaurant. They don't do blow. -No, not at all. -Right. Amazing. Jay, before I get you out of here, what's the most interesting thing about you? -Other than the fact that you did cocaine for years. -Most interesting. I mean, surviving a meth town in Louisiana is pretty good. That's -- -And you're still there. You love it there. What keeps you there? -I live out of the country. Nobody bothers me. That's pretty much what keeps you. -I figured it was a judge. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -It's court-ordered. I say there. [ Laughter ] -All right. Okay, Jay. -Well, fun times. -Yeah. -You did it. You got up. On to the next one. On to the next one. On to the next one. This guy's been on this show before he has an unforgettable face. "Make some noise for Derek Dimple, everybody. Derek Dimple." [ Cheers and applause ] -Comedy Mothership, make some noise if you're having a good time. [ Cheers and applause ] Let me hear you go, "Woo!" Let me hear you go, "Aww!" "Tism, I have it." Could you tell? Something that doesn't totally make sense about me being on the spectrum is my favorite kind of adult videos have lots of eye contact. Thank you. Thank you. Don't you fucking look away. Thank you. I'm hard as a rock right now. Thank you. I got four eyes. Look at him. Eyes up here, ladies and gentlemen. I got five eyes. Look at him. Okay. Six, seven eyes. Look at him. So now, from here to here, I just look like a hot lady in one of those Renaissance paintings. Oh, my lord. Is my visit not pleasing to you? Thank you very much. -Wow. Wow, ladies and gentlemen. So many comedians we've seen have rough sets before, and then they came here tonight and got so much better. Derek pooling the opposite. Absolutely. Reverting back to a childlike desperation. Having the crowd make some noise an hour and a half into a show. Yeah. Mother, ship, are you with me? Hey. I like your perm. Thank you. God did that to him. Oh. God and a few electrical sockets, I do believe. And the hand dryer in the bathroom. Wow. Your glasses are so Sally Jesse Raphael. I don't know if you know. There you go. Wow. Crush. Crush. Totally. Keep going, Red Band. Keep doing it. Keep saying what comes to your head tonight, Red Band. You're doing so good. The Sally Jesse Raphael reference was amazing. You fucking idiot. Shut up. God. I wish I was dead on an airplane next to you right now. Jesus fucking Christ. Put the mic down. Focus on the soundboard. Pick your moments. All right. Derek. Has anything interesting happened since the last time you were on this show? Oh my God. I was in Vegas a month and a half ago. And I had sex with three different people on three consecutive days. Wow. I noticed you said people. I'm a mathematician, Tony. I like to keep the terms as general as possible. Okay. So tell us about this run you went on, Derek. Oh yeah. It's a legendary heater. Yeah. Just imagine. Imagine of all the regrets that people wake up with in Vegas. Imagine being a woman that wakes up next to this. [laughter] Oh my God, Tony. Look, I know I look like the freeze miser, but come on. He's the he miser. I'm the freeze miser. No. I'm wrong. Wrong again. Okay. How did you get laid in Vegas? Exactly. What? Are you charm? Uh-huh. Yeah. Take us through it. Can you give us an example of how you pulled this off? Yeah. Well, I got pulled off, but. Yeah. So, well, Tuesday night, there was a lady who was interested in me. And I went back to her hotel room at the Strat. And she was a black lady named Mahogany. Are you serious? Yes. Absolutely. Yeah. You hooked up with a black woman? Better believe it, baby. Oh my God. Right when you think it couldn't be any worse for those people. [laughter] Right when you think life couldn't get any harder as a black woman in today's society. Next thing you know, this is who they have on top of their nowadays. On top to the side. Oh, hell no. [laughter] I must have been fucked up last night. What the fuck? Look at like a motherfucking back to the future as motherfuckers. Oh my God. Oh my God. So tell us about this experience with a black woman. I cannot fucking picture this at all. This is crazy. It's like a deleted scene from the Nutty Professor. [laughter] The Nutty Professor. Alright. Alright. Derek. [laughter] Derek, stick with us. Here, answer the question. So you and a black woman. Was this your first time with a black woman? Yes it was. I bet it. Fucking was. Yeah. So what made her. Where did you meet her? Oh, I was doing a show. You were doing a show and she's like, I think. Was it for refugees? [laughter] Did they do you a place this day? Oh Derek, you are so sexy. Okay. Alright. Derek, stop trying to be funny. It's not working out for you tonight. Let's stick with honest answers here. So you met her wear at the roulette table at the. No, no. It was sort of. Oh, yes. Wait. What was it called? Ola Habibi. It doesn't matter the name of the place. I was like a restaurant. There you go. So is that a restaurant? Oh. And then I got her number. And then we were texting. And she was like, I'm here. She invited you back to her hotel room. She definitely did. And what time of the night is this exactly? It's the ballparkle work, Derek. Okay. She's just fucking Christ, dude. 1 a.m. 1 a.m. 2 a.m. Okay. And then you go to her place and what's it like? What's going on? She has the room to herself? No. Okay. She has a roommate. There's two twin beds there. Oh, two queens. Okay. Two queens. Okay. What kind of the-- Man, that was-- So Latifa and-- All right. So there's two queen beds. So there's two black women in the room. Am I correct? No. Okay. There's one black woman and-- And Latina. Ooh. Latina woman. Spice. There you go. All right. And then what happens? Take us moment by moment here, Derek. The world wants to know how the fuck you had sex with a black woman. With ease. Okay. Keep going. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we were tired. We were tired. We were kind of getting cozy. Uh-huh. And I was also like-- Let me ask you this. Are you-- Are you standing? Are you in bed with her? Are you like sitting in the weird desk chair? Well, first I took my shoes off. Ooh. Bold maneuver. Bad maneuver. Bad maneuver. Oh, what the fuck that smell beat? Bad maneuver. Yo, yo, Phoebe. Stangin'. All right. Yeah. You took your shoes off at the door? Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Crazy. Yeah. But they were those weird toe shoes, too, for climbing. Now, they were these shoes. Oh, these are my lucky fucking shoes. Those are prescribed by a doctor. They definitely aren't. Okay. So you take your shoes off. Well, we start chatting. Uh-huh. And again, where are you? You're just standing there? She's sitting on a bed. More 14 of the stratosphere. No, again, again, in the room. Yeah, oh. You're you standing there? Is she sitting? The hotels are so awkward, especially when you're standing, talking at first, and then the shoes come off, and then we sit on the bed. Ah, yeah. Yeah. And you hear a little beep. Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. We're talking, and uh-huh. And I ask at one point, is it going to be-- Oh, where's your friend from? Uh-huh. And she's like, no, Bishop, I've been doing cocaine. And I'm like, this is my room. Like, OK, cool, yeah. OK. She's like, if she was going to get some, she would have got some. I got you. OK. Right. So then what happens? OK, then her friend rolls over and puts the pillow over. Ah-huh. Yeah. Ah-huh. Ah, yeah. The old self-made burrito, a Latina woman rolled up in a blanket pillow on her head. And then we start fooling around and great blowjobs, by the way. Interesting. You say blowjobs. Plural. Oh, oh, because the next night was also a black woman. Whoa. You went black to black. He can't go back. Yeah. I did the night after. Wow. Incredible. A different-- so much confidence and swagger. I bet the second lady was very easy to bed. I've really-- Let me ask you this. Night one, condom, no condom. Oh, no condom. Wow. And where exactly did you finish, Derek Dimfel? In her mouth. Wow. In her mouth. Very good. Absolutely incredible. So let's go to night two here. Night two, you're just out there. The fucking-- you got the fucking jungle boogie playing in the back of your head. It's a song. That's a song. He's got confidence. Yeah. That's all right. So night two. Fuck the fuck is going on here. Night two, you're out there. Where do you meet this lady at? I had met her the previous night. Uh-huh. You got her number. Yes. And then you were texting her as well. Yes. And then she invites you where? Where do you end up with her? Oh, well, I hadn't slept too much the night before. I bet. So I'm like, I'm pretty tired, but we can go on a date. And then-- so we went out to this spot. We played some pool. And she was like doing a lot of-- and I'm standing there. She's-- All right. She was showing her ass on purpose. OK. Oh, that was you emulating being sexy. That-- yes. Crazy. Right. Sorry. You couldn't tell? That's my dad. I didn't study mind, though. Playing egg. But she was popping that thing, as we say. So night two, you end up back at her hotel? No, she lived there. She lived in the pool hall. She had a home in Las Vegas. Yeah, down in-- So you went to her actual house, a place where it would make sense to take your shoes off at the door. Exactly. Incredible. Same thing. Blowjob city or-- Oh. Wow. Did you have sex with her? Yeah. Wow. And that's amazing. OK, night three. Tell us about the innocent white woman that got your-- Well, the lady from night two and I were at a bar. And she wanted to get a third involved in this situation. And so we-- [LAUGHTER] Uh-huh. And so-- Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Yeah. And so we-- the sun had already gone up. The bar was 24 hours. And so then we drove over to light two's place and then we had a threesome. Wow. You had a threesome. This is absolutely incredible. This should give every single human hope. No, I think God is dead. This is proof of chaos raining. You had a threesome with how many-- with women, right? Two women. Yes. Two men. Man, going on Netflix. The billionaires kid. Incredible. You're having threesome? He's done listen to mom and dad. You don't care about the kid. He's the bad boy in the boy God. What was the craziest part of the threesome? Was there a part where you were overwhelmed or amazed? Oh, overwhelmed almost constantly. Tell us a moment in which that took place. Was there something that happened? But the greatest part. Oh, that's what I'm asking about. You could just say it instead of resetting the question. The white chick was riding my face and the black chick was sucking my dick. Wow. Wow. Wow. Derek. It's called the Austin Scuba Mask, right there. [LAUGHTER] Incredible, Derek. Well, got pissed, honestly. Yeah. I've been happily married for 15 years. I can begin so much cool gash if you're out there slanging. Gash. Derek dimfled. Hey, bye. All that hot three days of sex. You're leaving here with a little joke, but congratulations, Derek. There he goes. Thank you. Amazing, ladies and gentlemen. Perhaps one of the ugliest human beings on planet Earth, just out there just fucking everything that moves. Vegas is struggling. It's just a face, a face of shock. It's like if Jimmy Neutron could molest himself. Yeah. It's incredible. Sally. All right. Makes a noise for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. It is chic, accommod, everybody. This looks like a new name to me. Oh, my goodness. It's chic, accommod. [APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER] Good evening. Virgins and gentlemen. I am Sheikh Ahmed. I teach a one-minute workshop to infidels how to treat your virgin. First, bang your knees. Second, you throw the hijab at the virgin. Cover yourself up. Cover yourself up. Cover yourself up. And third, you dodge for anything the virgin throws back at you. Hong, hunk. I-- we have a saying in Middest, an I for an I. And what are the virgins? They said go to Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A. That's where the virgins are. Well, in Middest, we don't have a bring your child to work day, because he gets so crowded at 7.11. Anyone needs a ride at my Uber's Park outside. Thank you very much. I am not here to bomb anyone. That's chic, accommod. Sheikh Ahmed. OK, chic, accommod. I mean, you basically-- aren't you a funny lady? No. No, I am Sheikh Ahmed. Aren't you the funny-- what's her fucking name? What's your name? What made you want to be-- what made you want to do this? [LAUGHTER] Everything was good, you're a funny lady. You're the first person to become a man and become less funny. [LAUGHTER] This chic, accommod. It's like I died on the drive here. Everything's so surreal about this show. What comes with it? And then you come out in this insane-- great outfit. You know, I'm very authentic. Yeah, great to know. But just all the effort put in without the jokes, it's insane. Yeah. The look is great. There's a lot of confidence. Yeah, like the confidence. Yeah, so like a bold swing, man. I love the Harlem Globetrotters, you know? But-- Thank you. And the chat-- this is the kicker. Yeah. The chat's there. OK, I'm not exactly sure how to interview Sheikh Ahmed. You're a tough interview. I feel like I'm in Guantanamo Bay right now. Yeah, the wet t-shirts over my face. Yes, flooding up. And waterboarding joke, ladies and gentlemen. All right. [APPLAUSE] We're a lot of Middle Eastern viewers now, and I want to make sure the jokes translate, so. What made you want to experiment with this character, Sheikh? - I am being sher, ahmet or I am being sherry. - Well, I think sherry should step in here for a second. I think we should talk to sherry. Very funny. - Well, I write jokes about Middle Eastern men and Middle Eastern women and whatnot. So I thought, let me give those lines. - It's funny hearing you talk like a woman like that. (audience laughs) You should have just done that voice. This is actually much funnier. Right, so you're just experimenting, having fun. - Yes, yes. - I love that, I love that. Have you done this other places, like open mics and stuff like that? - I just did this at Banana Phone last night. - Okay. How'd it go there? - Okay. - Yeah, fun. (audience laughs) - I love it. - But it never goes okay over there. Like, nothing ever, the minute is not there for, you know, the laughs. It's just, it will roast you. - Right, yeah, exactly. It's a Killtony ripoff show. (audience laughs) - Did you change between gigs? - Well, I took this off, went to sleep, took a shower, and then put these back on. - You look great. - You're looking. Thank you. - Very convincing, and I'm less than a foot away. (audience laughs) It's like being a deer born. - Oh. (audience laughs) - And you're really Iranian? - Mm-hmm. - Yeah. - And this is your take on Saudi Arabian man. - Yeah. - Okay. (audience laughs) - Did you already have this outfit? Or did you Dubai it or? - Dubai. - Yeah. (audience laughs) - For my own hair. I just didn't wax for a few weeks. - Hey, Riyadh between the lines, Red Man. - I like Sherry, I miss Sherry. - Okay. - Here's a little joke book for Sheik, though, you can. - Thank you. - All right. - All right. - There goes Sheik. - We'll be there, Sherry. - Sheik. - Awkman ladies and gentlemen. All right. (audience laughs) This show's crazy. Anything can happen, ladies and gentlemen. (audience applauds) Bye, Sherry. - You looked at me like, what do we do? - I was like, it's your show, bro. You got this. (audience laughs) I don't know. I was really confused. Yeah. Confused, I don't wanna touch it. - She's a funny lady. She's a funny lady. - Yeah. - But whatever that was, I mean, hey, what are you gonna do? - Well, you know, sometimes spectacle is rewarded. She took a big swing on a big platform, hell. - Big swing. - Yeah. - She comes back. - Big swing. - Big swing. - You're a final bucket pool of the night, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Anthony Walton, everybody. Here we go. Anthony Walton, it's a real show, anything can happen. (audience applauds) - Howdy. I just moved out of my parents' house for the third time in my life. (audience laughs) It's great 'cause I had to go outside every time I wanted to masturbate. (audience laughs) Let me tell you something. Jerking off in a car really sucks. Especially when you don't own one. (audience laughs) It's a whole lot of door jangling, you know? It's a whole new meaning to carjacking. (audience laughs) Are y'all familiar with Clifford? Yeah, hell yeah, we got some readers here in the mothership. (audience laughs) It's a good thing he was neutered, right? Can you imagine his big red balls just swinging? (audience laughs) Throwing cities out of an catastrophic. (audience laughs) I just lost my father recently. (audience laughs) Don't worry, we found him. He was just in the next room dead. (audience laughs) Fuck yeah, Anthony Walton. You've been on the show before. Numerous times. My third time at the mothership, it's been a year. Yeah, awesome. Much better than ever before, correct? That's that. Yeah, they've all been solid and so they've been-- Oh, wow, okay, I guess we remember them differently, Anthony. Well, let's go to the same Tony, yeah. This time I'm way less nervous and I'm fucking ready. Yeah, that's it, so you agreed that this was the best set. Very good, there you go. All right, even though they've all been solid. This is dead parent night on Keltone. You, is it really true? Did you really lose your father? Yeah, so yesterday it was three years since he passed. (audience laughs) What happened to him three years ago? Hard attack, he was like 80. Oh, okay. Like 84, he was ready to go. Cool, awesome. How do you know if he was ready to go? 'Cause one time he was like going out, my mom resuscitated him and he was like, "Damn, I'm fucking." Get your hands off me, bitch. (laughs) What, my 72 virgins? Well, that was the last guy. Yeah. Incredible. So Anthony, it's been a year since you've been on this show. What's been going on with your life? What have you been up to? Oh, man, it's been roller coaster, like breakups and then getting back together and then breaking up and then now it's just like, I went through a depression phase where I was just like, "The world's dark, I don't want to make people laugh and do comedy." But then I was like, "I fucking love this shit." So like, and making people laughs, I got back to it and my fucking car broke down and then I got a new car. I don't know, it was just up and down. (audience laughs) So let's talk about it. Let's start with this girlfriend that kept breaking up with you. Why were you guys breaking up? What was the problem? It was just a long distance, basically. Where's she at? Back in Denton, so like, where I'm from, so like, three hours away and stuff. Three hours away. I made the drive today. It was very easy. (laughs) Yeah. It was just like, complicated and shit and like. Tell us about it. What do you mean it was complicated? I don't want to put her like, business out there. Do it. I mean, this is the show that you're on. So, okay. This is the life that you chose, Michael. What would your dad want? Cheat your chong. (laughs) She was also married, but. Oh, there you go. See? That's great compelling stuff. But like, they're polyamorous, slitting and stuff. A lot of oozing on them. So did he know about you? Yeah, yeah. We're cool. Okay. He was cool with some fucking Eskimo banging his wife. (audience laughs) Well, he was also Latino in the show, so. Okay. Hey, the roadies here to fuck you, honey. (laughs) I'll be in my Oculus. Let me know. Yeah. Let me know when he's done. I'll get the towel. (laughs) Yeah. Have fun with a bloated Dave Girl. Yeah. (laughs) This is Stuck by Bees. The food fighter. Oh my God. So just anyone can get laid now, dude. Yeah. Cool. You got to get a divorce, Sam. You got to. No, I love my wife very much. She's very pretty. But it's just a. It's flumixing, looking at the data set that I've aggregated this evening. That's all. Yeah. Yeah. You're about to say something there. What are you gonna say? I'll just say, like, another literally shitty thing. I had, like, a wonderful Thanksgiving, and then I just ended horribly with just me shitting myself in my car. You shit yourself in the car. Yeah. So, like. Take us through this moment. So, I got invited to this wonderful, friendsgiving, comics, socializing, eight rooms, eight food, like, wonderful time. Something I wish I knew was, if you eat a fuck ton of cranberries, it works as a laxative. And I wish I knew this before, because I was also a little drunk just eating these cranberries, telling people, "Eat these cranberries. They're delicious." You're on shrooms. You're a little tipsy. Yeah. Well, this was, like, after I came down from the shrooms. Oh, okay. I was just popping 'em, like, a pill popper, pops pills, just telling people, "They're healthy for you. They're good." Yeah. And then I was like, "I gotta go." And I was walking outside of my car. So, what was your car? Yes. Okay. And I turned around and I was like, "Fuck." And I was like, "If I go back, they're gonna know." And I should've just been an adult and shit in his house. But I was like, "Yeah. By the way, the shrooms had not worn off yet." Yeah. Just to let you know. They're all gonna know I shit. Yeah. You guys have to kill them all. I ain't on the cranberries. That was weird enough. And I'm back to shit. Fuck. Fuck. Oh, torches. I was telling them that cranberries are healthy. They probably fucking knew that, didn't they? Everyone fucking knows that, my dad is dead. I thought I had discovered cranberries. I thought I was the first to try these cranberries. They're covered in sugar. They're fucking delicious. Wow. So there you are. You're walking to your car from Thanksgiving. Is this your family's Thanksgiving? No. My friend Spencer Boone invited me to his other friend. Wow. Name drop. Shout out Spencer with the shit your pants cranberries. Amazing. Yeah. So I didn't go home for the holidays. And then I was just like, "I can make it." And I made it to a 7-Eleven. But they were fucking cleaning it. And they wouldn't let me use the restroom. I was like, "Please, I'm going to shit myself." They're like-- - No, you know. - Is that what they sounded like? - It's seven and a half. - He was like, "No!" - It's a lady, she's cleaning it and I was like, "Stay won't let you, she'll get mad." And I was just like, "Fuck this." - Bro, they lied for sure. They saw you come in, thanksgiving pie-eyed, covered in cranberry juice. You waddle in. That lady fucking dove for the mop bucket. She's like, "There's a flood!" - Tell 'em seekers here. - Brood again. - So I was gonna take a shit behind the 7-11. - Revenge. - But there was a fucking cop car. Chilling, so I was like, "I can't get a ticket for this." - Yeah. - And then I was driving and I saw a circle K, but then it was too late. It just let go. It was like. - You drove by a circle K in your car. - No, like as soon as I saw it, I turned and saw it. - And that's when it happened. - Yeah. He started crying. - And it was like, "The first few seconds, "felt fucking incredible." It was like. - Yeah, for sure. - See, that's what they don't tell you about shit in your pants. - I backed that. You're not empowering. - You dropped producing your pants. - Yeah. - There's a few seconds before the shame-- - You got a cycle. - Before the shame just takes over. - And then I still have-- - It kicks in. - It kicks in. - Yeah. - But when you shit your pants, you're like, "I'm the smartest man on that." - It's a lot of that. - You're veins are killing you. - And then-- - I just need the restroom. - And then I still had 30 minutes to drive back home. It got cold. And then it just went two more-- I was like, "It's already too late, "so I just shit myself two more times." - Wow. - Wow. - Wow. - [laughing] [laughing] - They'll never know. - What the-- [laughing] - You've done it again. [laughing] - What kind of card do you have? - 2015 Honda Civic. - Yeah. - Okay. - What color is the interior? - Well, before. - Black. - Okay, so you're saying-- - Like, the thing was like, this is the second time, as an adult, I shit myself. - Oh. - And the second car I ever owned, I was like, "This is fucked." And then I had to like piss, so I grabbed a bottle, but it-- - What's the point? - Yeah, it just-- [laughing] - Everywhere. - You're wearing the diaper, fill it up. [laughing] - But that's-- - What? - I made it home, but I live in the third floor, so I just had to waddle up. [laughing] - You pissed in a bottle with your pants full of shit. - Yeah. - And you are putting on airs, man. [laughing] - That's like taking off your shoes at a hotel room. - Yeah. [laughing] - It's pointless. - Did you tuck your pants into your socks, so it doesn't fall out, like what-- - No, it like-- - Good question from a professional-- - Shh, pants. - Leave it. - Tracks. - Pro tip from "Shit Your Pants" legend, Brian Redban. [laughing] - Tuck your pant legs into your socks so that it doesn't fall out in your hallway of your apartment building. - Get on your kicks. - That's a veteran move. - Yes, the black belt of brown belts. Brian Redban, the sultan of shit. [laughing] The prince of poop. [laughing] - Yeah, it was a fucking mess. So everywhere, like-- - It looked like blood, right? 'Cause of the cranberries. - What kind of pants were? Were they jeans? Were they-- please tell me they were khakis. Please. - So, uh-oh. - Wait a second. - Don't let your eyes wind up. Those are the pants? Oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen, what a legend. You are an icon. This is Kiltoni. [cheering] Wow. [laughing] [laughing] I'm for sure keeping the pants. I'm not made of money. - Wow. - I just walked up like three times. - Wow. - These were the shoes, not the socks. These weren't the socks or underwear. - Wow. - You are a legend, Anthony Walton. One of the greatest interviews of the night. Anthony Walton, everybody. There he goes. That is how you shit your pants. If you're gonna shit your pants, you fucking multiple times. [laughing] - In multiple places. [laughing] - He shit his pants in different area coats. - Wow. My goodness. All right. - We might be shitting his pants right now, ladies and gentlemen. This is a new move. There he goes, Anthony Walton, everybody. Wow. There he goes. He's still going, everybody. He's still there. He's still there, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. All right. What an episode this has been. You guys have fun tonight? [cheering] - Well, I got news for you. There's just one person left. And it's the only guy that could possibly close a show like this. He has the record for all-time appearances on this show, all-time interviews. He's a living member of the Killtony Hall of Bane. Ladies and gentlemen, some people call him the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the big red machine. This is William Montgomery. [music playing] Yikes. That was kind of gross about that guy. [laughter] Mattel Toy Company has just come out with an autistic version of Barbie. And luckily, this version still has those great tits. [laughter] Okay. This next joke is for the ladies. [cheering] You're like, hey, if they don't have Monastat 1, just get Monastat 3. Yeah, that's like saying, hey, if the video store doesn't have Godfather Part 1, just rent Godfather Part 3. Are you kidding me? One of those is a pharmaceutical masterpiece. And the other one, it has its flaws. [laughter] Okay, all the ladies are laughing at that one out there. That was it. Somebody was telling me how much ice was in Minnesota. And I was like, yeah, it's January, you dumbass. [laughter] This weekend, I got a new Mercedes in Mario Kart. [laughter] If you get hit by a green shell, it costs twice as many coins. The mechanic said it's the German design. [laughter] Okay, that's my time. Thank you, Tony. William Lights out Montgomery. Has arrived back on his royal throne of being a while. It seems like he's been a little while, Tony. No doubt about it. It's been a while. And I'm still not rowing. And I've discovered. I almost feel like I don't even need to tell you. I've discovered this new type of video game that I've. Tony, I think it may be a retarded person. Or like a little child. I've been playing like these games that are like for little kids, I think. But I played them all day long, Tony. Tell us about it. What, what, what, what? Well, I've been playing something called Nuclear Gladiator 3000. I played it for three days the other day straight. I'm not even kidding. Three days straight. You're basically looking down at the map and you're this little person and you're shooting all the little characters around you. And you're solely upgrading your stuff. Sounds sick. Yeah, so fun. [laughter] But doing that, I've been neglecting the Roma sheets. I got to figure it all out, Tony. I'm not doing great at the beginning of this new year. So I got to figure it out. Why do you think this is all happening? Why do you think you've kind of stopped working out and leaning on video games all of a sudden? I don't know, Tony. There's a problem. I have some sort of problem in my head, I think. I'll be okay, but I. Oh yeah, you're agreeing with that one, Red Band? Nobody else? Oh, the old. Why did you fucking agree with. Oh, you see, so what's wrong with me then, Red Band? What do you think? Well, the game you're playing is not called "Nuclear Galaxy Man 3000" or whatever you said. Nuclear Gladiator 3000. It's called Vampire Hunter or something, right? Yeah, that's another one. Vampire Hunters, that's another one. This is great stuff. Thanks for throwing a wrench into that. Tony's already been hating your ass tonight. I've been hating your ass tonight. Anytime we take a little vacation like we did, he comes back just terrible. And it's a complete reset. Timings off, interrupting stories. Asking absolutely dumbest questions ever. But that's my buddy. This is my little. Oh, everybody likes that. This is my little buddy, everybody. Anyway. Are you doing okay with the passing of Bob Weir? Yes, it's very. Yes, Rest in Peace, Bob Weir. That was a big deal for you, right? Yeah, I think. I was just based on how you look all the time. Yeah, no. I always was a bigger fan. I think I'm going to be more devastated when the guy from Blues Traveler passes on. Hey, man, people keep sending me pictures. I look like that guy before and after, and it sucks. Yeah, you're looking good. You've lost a bunch of weight. Thanks, man. Yeah. You look cool too. I'm just so happy for you. Thank you. Hey, two friends. You know, I'm stuck. Incredible. Yeah, Tony. I'll figure it out. I'm just going to chimper. What do you think? It reminds me of. No disrespect. When I see you, I feel like. like Ron Howard. In other words, like the one brother no one knows about is really angry. I've got way more talent than Rodney's day, right? I know when that was a real director. I'm just saying, remember Gallagher and you're like, "Who's this guy's Gallagher, too? Are you serious?" You look like-- Without right now. You look like Clint Howard. Yeah, Clint Howard. Clint Howard. Yeah. All right, that's where one duck liked the joke. Yeah. He's a real pretty daughter. I think if I wasn't, that situation would be talking to her or something in the film. Yeah. Exactly. It's like, "So William, we've been off for a couple weeks other than the video." And some idiots say, "Oh, my God, because it was really funny." Or, "Why did some idiots say, "Oh, my God, right there?" "What did you not fucking hear me? I have not been feeling good recently." And then I hear some dumbass and some kind of moment of weirdness right there saying, "Oh, my God, I hope that was a nice, oh, my God." Seriously, I've been on the edge for the past number of days. So I hope that was a nice, "Oh, my God, I'm not kidding." William, what would you do? What would the idiots say it was and not? What would you do if I surprised you by putting that guy in the trunk of your car tonight? I would get the knife out of my pocket and I would stab him a couple of times in the stomach and then fucking wrap some chains around his hands. That's what I would do. And then what? You'd wrap chains around his hands. And then what would you do? Now that his hands are chained and he's bleeding from his stomach, then what would you do? I'm saying, look at you now dumbass and then fucking do the fucking thing down. Yeah, per drive-over bump. All right, there's nothing gay about what he's saying. Yeah, there's nothing gay about that red band. Yeah. What? Why would you chain his hands? He's already stabbed in the stomach and the trunk of your car. I was like, overkill, William. Yeah, well, I do overkill when I'm mad and I'm mad right now. Oh, I'm sorry. I love you. Wow. Is that from Pulter Guy 6? What was that? Yeah. What do you think would bring you some joy, William? I don't know. I need to get back on the Roma sheet. I have to start exercising. Have you been doing any puzzles? I hit seven and now I've hit a wall. I would like to start another one. I have a bunch of them. I've been buying them on eBay and there's a couple of very nice vintage ones I've gotten. I'm like, I'm just putting this one up on my dresser. I'm not even opening this one up because it has the original price tag on it. I have a couple of those. Okay. Yeah, hoarding. The real hoarding is entered here. I have 20 puzzles right now. Oh, my goodness. What are they of? (Laughter) A specific type of puzzle that you're buying? Well, the next one I think we're going to do is baby Jesus. It's fucking a small puzzle that'll be. Yeah, Joseph. Yeah. (Laughter) 5,000 pieces. It's the manger scene. I think we had to do that one. Even though it's past Christmas, but I think that's the next one. Nothing better than a manger scene late January. Yeah. That's what I'm taking. Almost my birthday. Almost 39, Tony. Wow. Wednesday. Next Monday. Winds your birthday. January 26. Wow. When Gretzky's birthday. Amazing. And I will never forget it. Thank you. You quit rowing? Yeah. You're having so much fun. I was having so much fun. I'm very self-destructive. So I know it's really good for me, but then I really love deep down. It's some sick kind of way I like hurting myself. So that's what I've been doing recently. Well, it just looks like you're here in a row boat. You know, he looked like an ancient mariner. I thought it'd be easy for you. No, no, me too. I'll start doing it again. I almost went today and then I didn't. Do you wear the Gretzky jersey when you tie them up and kill them in the truck? Do you wear the jersey? Gretzky jersey? Yeah. Fucking wear the Gretzky jersey when a beateness fucking ass. Wait, what did the fucking idiot say again? He said, oh my god. Or what did he say? Yeah, you're really going to be saying, oh my god. What a fucking hitting you. And I got the fucking King's Jersey fucking Gretzky King's Jersey. Can you even imagine that, really? Yeah. I'm beateness fucking ass and the fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. What would be the last thing that you would say to him? As you're watching the light leave his body. Dude, you ain't never going to breathe again. This one. Oh, we'll be on the phone. Got real easy gentlemen. Shibbrew.com. Find the funny. Catch them on tour. Sam Tallinn.com with 2Ls. He's on tour as well. Thank you guys so much for being here. So much fun. Thank you. How about the Imagine Jim Brewer, everybody? The Legend Jim Brewer? Wait. It's just glad to be out of my house. Come on. You guys can do better than that. It's a great Jim Brewer, ladies and gentlemen. Blue 2 Shopify talk space. It's the best standband in the land. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Bell is in. Let's see what Chris drew over there. Oh, Jim Brewer. Look at that. That's you. He painted you. That's amazing. Uh, Red M. Check out Sherry Roof here on YouTube. Love you guys. Yes. We love you so much. A lot of fun stuff happening. A huge announcement. A huge announcement coming tomorrow. Or last week. Last week. You'll see it. All right. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. [Music] The Songset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. [Music] [Music]