#752 - TOMMY POPE + STEVE BYRNE

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hinchcliffe! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Make some noise for Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. And that's the best damn band in all of the land. Make some fucking noise for them, everybody. There they are. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa. Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Matt Muehling on the electric, John Dees on the keys, and that's Dee Madness on the bass guitar. Hell yeah. What an episode we have for you. This is brought to you by Netflix, where we are currently right now in the top ten with our hit new episode, Once Upon a Time in Texas, live on Netflix. It was taped here on New Year's Eve. Go watch it on Netflix if you haven't already. Tell your family to watch it. Just keep it rolling over and over again. And, uh. That's all good. You guys excited to be here? Very good. Very exciting stuff. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you right here, right now. Red Band, um, uploaded the wrong episode to YouTube, um, this week. He literally uploaded last week's episode to YouTube. So right now, there's just about three quarters of a million people, uh, angry on the internet right now. So. Red Band is, uh, is going to leave and go upload the episode. I, for the first time ever in the show's history, will be on sound effects. And, uh. It's gonna be an exciting start to the show. Red Band's gone. This is what we've always wanted, ladies and gentlemen. Go upload the fucking episode, Red Band. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Kill Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th, and Dallas, March 28th. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for tickets right now, come see an actual Kill Tony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th, one in Grand Prairie, March 28th, TonyHinchcliffe.com, get tickets now. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, or what? Hell yeah. Rain or shine, the fun never ends. Ladies and gentlemen, every single week, I book two of the funniest people on the world on the show. This week's no different. Make some fucking noise for Steve Byrne and Tommy Pope, everybody. Here we go. Yes. Steve Byrne. He's the man. Tommy Pope, live in the flesh. We are going to have some fucking fun tonight, ladies and gentlemen. It's been a while since Steve Byrne's been on the show. Comedy store legend, one of the people that, when I started, one of the few people there was to look up to back in the day. Fun fucking guy. We've spent each night drinking here in Austin. It was a blast. And welcome. Yep. Thank you. Steve's the man. Tommy, you and I get drunk all the time together. I don't drink. I love you guys. We're going to have so much fun. You guys have done this show before. Obviously, you know how it works. Over 300 people have signed up. I mean, this thing is, it might be more than usual. Is it more than usual? Are you going to drink? Upwards of 300. Above 300. Thank you. Yeah. What are you drinking tonight, Steve? Liquid Coca-Cola. Liquid cocaine. Liquid cocaine. Perfect. I'm going to let the corpse of JonBenét Ramsey pick the first bucket pool here. Oh my God. That's how it goes. Very good. Thank you so much. Right off the top. You guys know how it works. They get 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Then they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Wow. It's so fucking easy to do Red Band's job. Who would have possibly have guessed? It's unbelievable. Unbelievable. Wow. My God. I mean, yeah, it's literally the easiest thing in the fucking world. But guess who's not here? Red Band. Red Band's not here. That's what he would have said if he was here. While we go wrangle that first bucket pool, we have a golden ticket winner here who's going to cash in tonight and get the show started. Ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise. This is your first minute of the night by J.J. Alexander, everybody. Here he is. Make some noise for J.J. You know, I started reading a lot of history books recently, and I came across this book. It's called Bury My Heart and Wounded Knee. It's a total and complete history of Native America. And I was reading this book, and I was thinking about modern politics. And I think you can say whatever you want about Donald Trump is as the president. If we look back at history, he would have made an excellent Native American war chief. Do you want to know the group of people who could have used Donald Trump's immigration plan the most? The original Native Americans. That's who could have used it. You know, he's like, the white people are coming here, bringing tea, bringing crime. Some of whom could be good people, not these people. They're horrible, very bad. There's angry Andrew Jackson. Nobody likes this guy. He put me on a trail. I cried the entire time. Yes, I did. And where do we end up? Oklahoma. What a shithole, this place. No one even likes it. They are horrible. And then we made a deal with the whites. We gave them all of the land, and they gave us beads. Why? If I was negotiating, I would have gotten us way more beads. We're going to make Native America great again. You know, thank you guys so much. We were tired. Thank you. Boop. J.J. Alexander getting us started. Good take. Decent Trump impression. Thank you, bro. How's it feeling? How's life going? Dude, holy shit. This is awesome. I'm so happy, man. I just got back. I did the Denver Improv. I headlined for the first time. It was like a life-changing moment for me. So y'all, let's go to this show, man. Thank you so much. Absolutely. Yeah. Then also, I went to Sioux Falls with Enrique Chacon. It was pretty crazy. Yeah, tell us about that. Yeah, so me and Enrique were supposed to do it. I was supposed to feature, and Enrique was supposed to headline. And I get a text at 5 a.m., because that's when the flight was. And then he was like, hey, bro, I'm not going to make it, man. No. And he's like, I got to get on the flight. So his flight was going to get in. But the show was supposed to start at 7. So the guy that ran the show was like, hey, guess what? We're just going to start the show an hour late. The host that was supposed to do 10 minutes is now doing 30 minutes. And you're going to go until Enrique gets there. And I did, by the way, I have 45 minutes of material. I did an hour and 30 minutes. Wow. Just a lot of Trump doing a Native American impression. It was long. It was way longer. 45 minutes. Wow. The guy was like, hey, you're going to do an hour of material. And then you're going to do an hour of material. And then you're going to do 30 minutes of crowd work. And I'm like, oh, shoot. I was like, oh, God. So how'd it go? Were you panicked? Did you end up relaxing? Was the crowd with you? I kind of loosened up after a little bit. But it was weird. Also, like the place that we did, there's a water park inside of it. There's a water park inside of the comedy club? Yeah. You don't look like you should be around a water park. Oh, 100%. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I'll tell you that. Yeah. You should have seen how fast me and Enrique went. Enrique went down those water slides, dude. It was nuts. For different reasons, dude. Oh, yeah. No, we went. Dude, I'm not sure if you've been a fat guy on a water slide. It's like the best, dude. I was going like, I was like I was in Top Gun, just going down those water slides. Just like, I'm like, ah! That's it. Faster than normal. Fat guys fall faster. Oh, dude, it was like a greased up whale going down a slide, dude. It was nuts. Amazing. Yeah, I kept my shirt on, though. Yeah, shirt on guy. Enrique's shirt on, too? Yeah, his shirt on, too. Yeah. Yeah, that back was a little bit wetter than usual on Enrique. Let me see those fat tits, dude. Take that. Tommy's trying to see those tits. Take that hoodie off. Let me see those fat tits. How many of you want to see his tits right now? The first comic of the night. Show your fucking tits. Let's see those tits, dude. Racist fuck. Show your white tits. Tommy wants the tits, bro. Please be pink. Please be pink. No. No. What? No, he's saying no. You have big areolas? I'll take over for Red Band. No. What are you afraid of? What exactly is it that you're shy about right now? Can you describe your tits to us, at least? Yeah, they're very voluptuous. I need to lose some weight for sure. But, yeah, I don't know. I just feel like my shirtless body on the internet's not good. Yeah, no, of course. All right. Tommy's taking it back. He's backtracking. Kidding. I don't know. You're very seductive eyes, Tommy. Yeah, I have nice eyes. Very pretty. Chip Brown. right yeah look at the lashes though look at him fucking bounce it's like my boobs dude show me your fat tits jj how else has your life changed since winning a golden ticket on kill tiny it's been it's been incredible man just like the like the the comedy stuff's been going great uh you know uh actually uh me and mason bird work at the same dutch bros right now there's another guy that got the gold dutch bros yeah we still i got i got him a job at the dutch bros so yeah me and him were just making coffees dude it's been great i've been just crushing chocolate milk man like a lot get out tell us yeah dude tell us more about this chocolate yeah so uh i tracked it uh i like started doing math because you get as many drinks as you want when you work at dutch bros you can just drink as much as you want they don't stop you how happy this boy is my life's life's going great i got a golden ticket on kill tony i just you i'm drinking as much chocolate milk as i want man it's sweet yeah the largest five-year-old i've ever heard yeah no so you can drink as much chocolate milk as you want and i tracked it so apparently i've been drinking about uh 32 ounces of chocolate milk a day like that's a big gulp cup full no ice that's what i'm crushing every day that's why your earlobes are milking yeah dude i got some big areolas i can i can breastfeed you right now please again you're the one afraid to show my kids if you suck on it he'll see okay now now we're negotiating here now we're negotiating no no hold on a second this is so much fun dude do cow noise cow noise i'm gonna do the cow noise when you pull out those fat tits dude i'm not gonna do it now you have a force field around those tits get up with the bullshit let's see your fucking tits right let's see them i want to see some big milky pepperoni nipple titties right now okay let's do it junior andy reed pull out your fucking tits thank god you put the ar-15 down and did some stand-up now pull out a titty he's had a lot of peanut butter i won't he's a little thirsty puppy he look at me look at me he's a thirsty puppy can we at least see your belly button we'll settle for a belly button oh he's proud of his belly button ladies and gentlemen here it is the filth all right oh yeah also uh to fill time in sioux falls i drew a face on my belly and i started making it talk to kill time really yeah i was like i did i did like a work at a coffee shop yeah i work at a coffee shop yeah i really like chocolate milk i can't stop thinking about it sorry uh so yeah i did i was doing impressions with the belly button that's what i do like i did i was like uh i was like i could do a bill cosby impression okay and i was like just right no yeah and like okay so so this is what i did i was like okay everybody let's get ready i got you guys like impressions okay make some noise for you like impressions okay okay here it is you could have just done it but okay they didn't need to do that part and i did that and it killed i swear i gotta see this hour and a half it's called killing time with jj alexander jj fun times congratulations you did it started the show tonight there you go thank you guys appreciate it absolutely all right there he goes to the bucket we go now ladies and gentlemen this is the heartbeat of the show uh-oh uh-oh the lovely heidi and valerie ladies and gentlemen catch their podcast at heidi regina.com so fun all right our first bucket bowl tonight we're gonna make it to the bucket bowl we're gonna make it to the bucket bowl meet them all together make some noise 60 seconds uninterrupted for it yee hee everybody here comes yee hee here we go one more time make some noise for yee hee everybody thank you austin you know most women get preyed on p-r-e-y but i get preyed on p-r-a-y hell yeah i'm blessed you know a lot of people think that i would swipe right on anyone i'm gonna tell you right now uh as soon as i see wheels i'm swiping left like we can't both be physically like vulnerable you know we gotta like make ikea furniture you know like we gotta go to ups store return some amazon packages oh well when it comes to people i actually date it's uh mostly military men and the thing about them is uh civilian men non-military they would tell me about how strong i am like just all day but with military guys a lot of their friends legs been blown off and i got both of mine you know i'm saying hey i'm a peg above them peg thank you bucky yeah yee hee welcome to the show oh look who's back man we were really struggling without you don't know don't know why y'all got so many stairs there he is all right why are there so many stairs i mean you know i have a feeling you say that all the time yeah you know houston comedy scene's just as much full of stairs or worse so you're in houston that's where you live yeah i'm annoying about it too hey it's trying to hold it down i'm like a kool-aid man through a wall but like like oriental wall okay hell yeah the rice paper wall you come that's not very korean we are more high tech than that so why i'm korean i know but why are you saying thank you to me right now look here because it's over oh you said you said i'm cute someone said i'm cute yee hee i'm korean and i need subtitles yeah it's it's yay hee yay hee all right sorry thank you yay hee welcome welcome how long you been doing stand-up comedy seven months since may i love it what made you want to get started uh my life's a joke but like in a very disabled way so it's fat it's like no recently i got an award for being the most resilient isn't that incredible yeah that's amazing where'd you get this award from pop the balloon i got on a dating show just to be funny i knew it was going to be like a real life tinder situation and i was like oh my god i'm going to be like a real life tinder situation where they see the crushes and they're like nah she can't she can't bang so you know and then they all popped on me like it's exactly what i thought it would happen yeah and then they gave me the most resilient reward for that so let's talk about it yee hee what do you do for work i'm an online math teacher online math teacher i know i know i work online because i'm disabled but i teach math because i'm asian it's incredible dude it's wonderful isn't it logging on with those crutches must be so difficult i used to be in a wheelchair so screw you i'm doing great i'm sorry now look at you with the world's largest chopsticks listen so what exactly is the condition that you have your favorite or red band's favorite guess cerebral palsy yes finally right very good back there by the way so what oh never mind coulter you accused him of having cerebral palsy he's back where waiting where we all have wristbands what do you think where he's at at the bar yes okay you said back there like he's back there that hey come on now okay all right all right all right all right all right you're fair fair fair yay he so you used to be in a wheelchair how did you do physical therapy your way up like this i'm just mulan you know you're what i'm mulan the movie no you know what you ruined this joke uh yeah physical therapy yeah okay very good way to go so yay he what exactly is what do you do for fun what do when you're not online math teaching and doing stand-up what else is there about you i like to go to the gym you're funny you really are funny what else though yay he tell us more i like journaling and little stickers like really like cutesy little you know i don't know you're an asian girl just a typical asian girl girl 100 100 both parents are super korean what do they think about you doing comedy uh i have my mom thinks i'm at the gym got it and your dad thinks you're online what fuck it your mom thinks you're at the gym she hates being perceived and I'm being the most perceived right now okay yeah tell us more about your life though are you really out there on dating sites what are you doing what's the last date you went on I'm actually with a military guy you really are and he's fully functional yeah he's got like a bunch of ribbons and everything it's phenomenal he like operates tanks it's literally the opposite of what I am he's lying dude this guy doesn't exist stolen valor he's got a fetish and he's throwing a fucking army coat bought some fake ribbons on fucking amazon he's knocking this girl around until she walks straight fake I would have walked straight already so and what yay he where'd you meet this guy at uh tinder a while ago okay how long have you been with them we've been on and off for like a while for like six years very on and off but you know yeah that's great very good yeah is he here tonight he's in georgia yes yeah there we go there we go okay he works at old navy bitch I travel a lot babe he's not in the military yeah no he lives a block away from home yeah he lives a block away yeah totally above a milk shack he's at yeah like he's like in a monastery in china or something he's done that actually and no one believes me so monastery in china is that what he calls your pussy let me ask you this so you live in houston how often do you drive down here to sign up for kill tony this is my ninth time uh first was first time was my birthday and I actually was so excited I got two balloons one that came out of my mouth and the other one that came out of my mouth and the other one came out of my mouth and the other one came out of my mouth and the other one came out of my mouth and the other one came out of my mouth and the other one came out of my mouth back in my heart back in my heart so how did that go why did you do that well that's the thing is she had these beautiful dark curls and i sometimes i get bored i know just scrolling and i go like usually whatever like 20 to 30 is the age range sometimes i just blow it out 1880 plus you know bang your grandma right but um yeah and then you do anything with that lady so we made out that day we hung out two nights ago though i mean have you ever gotten a 30 minute hot oil massage from a woman half a century year old wow that's unbelievable i mean when you hung out with her yes you made out with her yesterday yeah well she was sick it was a whole thing i went home for a week and we and i wanted to die yeah polio yeah we were watching this documentary and it was like talking about like it was don't die by brian johnson really good check it out you He was talking about like how how what happens at 70 years old like how all the serious like health markers and that drop off and it was pretty funny because i was looking at him like you paying attention this is pretty uh important for you but yeah she jacked me off for like 30 minutes it was amazing i feel like old people 30 minutes sorry i'm spitting on you but yeah that's the thing is i felt like young people like kind of chaotic and just want to it quick and like i kept like she kept being like slow easy easy and then yeah this experience is yeah stretching it out and she was like telling me the pacing it's all right that's enough god you're so annoying i was just getting back in jesus christ but okay here's a medium joke book there he goes all right blake apatow ladies and that was great good job buddy we're gonna keep it moving along good job blake good enough long drawn out stories though jesus i'm gonna keep it moving here oh we know this guy this is a wild wild texan ladies and gentlemen make some noise for tommy tickles everybody here's tommy tickles live in the flesh i hate audience participation exercises who's with me i'm getting older hey uh i'm going to bald spot if my granny would have said if you don't stop doing that you're gonna go bald well then she would have been right i know i'm getting older i'm getting older i'm going to massage parlors just to get a massage my skin's starting to wrinkle when i'm talking when black people talk to me i've noticed they subconsciously lick their lips and i think it's because i'm starting to look like fried chicken joke of the night so far tommy tickles sticking the landing there very good tommy addy you're actually getting better thank you sir i'm seeing growth here i did the mic thing i moved the mic out of the way look at you you're like a real pro yeah i love it you're also super likable coming off of the last guy i gotta tell you it's just good to have a a real human up here not a sociopath serial killer pretending to mix in with old patchy pants uh so how's life been going tommy tickles uh life's been going good right now it's baby season out on the farm and ranch what is the what does that mean explain to the people who don't have ranches with babies my wife we go crazy uh no we have a bunch of sheep and goats and now that we're having a bunch of sheep having babies right now so it's uh uh all hands on deck three times a day feeding baby baby sheep hi and how many afghans visit the farm how many what thank you tommy tickles hey absolutely perfect so the sheep are banging or they're just having babies are they done banging how does it go do you get to see them have sex oh yeah it takes about five months geez all right you cuck oh yeah this guy jerking off in the corner oh yeah i get to watch him a lot tony yeah you're kidding oh yeah y'all don't know this but red band came out to the ranch now i've got two sheep and a goat they'll never be the same walking yeah they're coming out with this face on him yeah yeah red band's jokes are bad nice tommy you ever seen what does it explain to the people because we don't know explain tommy what's going on over there you having a side combo no have you ever can you describe to the audience what a sheep's looks like exactly oh the world wants to know i can if you and what and what brand of peanut butter do you use yeah you know it's interesting we had a uh hermaphrodite sheep oh it was a board a little girl and uh curious little thing one of the first ones we had her name was shotzi and then about like six months later her balls dropped and so she's out there chasing female sheep like a male and getting them all riled up so i looked into it you can name it yay he she yeah no i fished right in around here from a performer that was on earlier guys i don't know if you've been paying attention but yeah you can name it yay he she that's it that's comedy okay bad again thank you i'm stevie tickles have you noticed have you noticed that the other sheep don't really take a liking to the trans sheep that you have uh yeah nobody likes her right nobody liked her does did she did she dye her sheep hair purple or anything does she make coffees for the other sheep really well mailbox she make a hell of a latte she was one she was one of our favorites though so she got a lot of attention from us i bet i bet that's why they call you tommy tickles one of the reasons tell me do you own an ar-15 by chance you look like every mass serial killer i've ever the old school that's what they used to look like now they look like it's trans sheep yeah that's what they look like now coming in there just no sir i don't own an ar-15 but i was a scout sniper in the marine corps and i have a 308 winchester god damn right all right you were great tonight huh yeah you were fantastic my favorite so much dude thank you for serving i follow you online tommy have you been going up a lot because that was way better than your last yeah uh yeah yeah i did about a hundred open mics uh let's go trying to go down to san antonio hit up a couple of spots down there uh i didn't know it you know a year ago but this is a pass and this is you know you get into it you get a couple of laughs and then all of a sudden you're like holy smokes this is great you're adorable time yeah yeah you're adorable you should tell everybody you have two passions comedy and sheep ah no i don't even like sheep why don't you like the sheep tell us why you don't like the sheep explain to us we don't own ranches oh they're great from from when they're babies all the way up in three months they are cute and then they're like 200 pounds and i've had them knock me about 10 feet sideways you know i've had them knock me you know they come up from behind you and they think they're still your friend and that's what they do to their friend they've come up and butt you and then all of a sudden they you're not built for that and that's 600 600 pounds can i ask you a question do you end their life i live on a farm and ranch and you know answer the fucking question what what's the question you put a 45 in their fucking skull tommy tommy tommy tommy tickles he really throws off the scent with his name but do you fucking kill sheep look at us no do you kill you in their lives how do they die in their fucking lives look at me and their fucking life is a paradise do you it's a paradise all right all right jesus christ almighty i use a knife he kills the sheep look he kills the fucking baby sheep no not the babies no hell no we people bring their babies to us to you know so we take care of them and make sure they live so we try to give them the that we do have you know they're you're spying right now dude you murder sheep for a living no okay guys you said you killed really driving home this sheep killing thing really making a point he's a ranch hand hey ranch hand is also what red band has okay tommy it's all right you got this tommy just disengaged from the show right now i love it we're gonna keep moving along tommy tickles great stuff tommy pope just focusing ranch hand is also what red band has on friday nights when he dips his pizza in ranch dressing he's got a ranch hand and a blue cheese hand look out he's a big boy all right ladies and gentlemen one of the good friends of the show one of the top young rising comedians in the world has a brand new special on youtube and he's here just to do a minute for us just to swing by make some noise for the great ilan ahmad ladies and gentlemen here he is I think the darkest thing going on with Kanye West is his diamond-encrusted swastika chain. That's dark, because if you know anything about the diamond business in this country, you know the person who made that chain is Jewish. So there's a guy out there that knows exactly how much his soul is worth. Oy vey, what do you want me to make? It's gonna holocaust ya! That is a rough joke to do in Yeezy, so I'm gonna wear that, that is. Yo, these shoes are comfortable as fuck, I don't care. That's all I care about. You could say the worst things in the world about Muslim people. If you made the most comfortable-wear shoes, I'd wear that shit. With pride, too, you'd be like, what are those? They'd be like, oh, these? Oh, these? You mean the new Chinese Muslim concentration camp sevens? Bro, this shit. Flames, the Uyghur Force Ones, dog? I got them at L-L-L-L-L Bean, that's where I got them. All right, I've been Ahsan Ahmad, thank you very much. Ahsan Ahmad, whose new special, Too Soon, is out now. Well, this comes out the 19th, right? I think, yeah. Yeah, so my special comes out the 20th. Okay. All right, jeez. Wow, a little time jumper there. Look at this guy, back, brown to the future. Yes, okay, that doesn't really matter. They would have watched it anyway, but way to be strategically correct, mathematically right, like a true Indian. Yes. Unbelievable. One of the hardest-working guys I know. He's working fucking 24-7-11. Absolutely incredible, as always, Ahsan. I'm doing comedy full-time and running a daycare in Minnesota. At the same time, it's been rough. It's amazing. It's been rough. Look at that. They love it. The crowd goes wild. Billionaire, Ahsan Ahmad. Ahsan, how's life been going? Good? Yeah, things are going pretty good. Yeah, you know, I'm excited to have a new special out. It's my first one, and yeah, I'm just happy about it. Yeah, very exciting stuff. Former comedy store door guy, took the whole path. One of the first people to move out here with the whole regime. We're working here at the mothership. Been taking you out. You've been drinking with us. Yes, that's a new thing. I've been getting drunk for the first time. Yeah, it's really fun to take, like. How many of you are in your 30s? You know, you got to try some stuff sometimes. Cocaine? No, no cocaine. I'm not there yet. Welcome to my panel of junkies tonight that I have straight to fucking blow out of nowhere. Oh, you started drinking? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. Ahsan, how are your parents? You have adorable, tiny little Indian parents that we all love. Yes, yes, they are very adorable. Ahsan is like the Shaquille O'Neal of his family, by the way. I am. Towering over them at 5'6". Yeah, I am double the size of both of them, really. It's kind of crazy. I might be the tallest Bengali person in my whole family. I love it. Now, what are Bengalis known for exactly? Tigers. Our hairlines. Our hairlines? Wow. Yeah, our lack of hairlines. I would think spelling bees. Yeah? Are you a good speller? Yeah, I'm a pretty good speller. Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty good. Give me a word I got. Spell champagne. C-H-A-M-P-A-G-N-E. The spelling bee. Champagne. All right. There you go. Hold on. Let's find a black person's name. Is there a black person in here? Yeah, there is. Her name is Champagne. She's right over there. There we go. I beat you. Champagne Jenkins is here, ladies and gentlemen. A-A-apostrophe-B-A. Hey. Got it. Champagne. You got to pause that shit. I know that right. There we go. Sorry. Tommy Pope. You had like a PTSD flashback right there. That was great. Flashback. Okay. Ahsan. So much. So much fun. Your new special Too Soon is out. Go watch it. There you go. Where do they find it? Ahsan Ahmad on YouTube? It's on YouTube. Look up Too Soon. It's on our Solid Show podcast channel. Check it out. There you go. Solid Show podcast. Watch his special. We love Ahsan. Back to the bucket we go. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Tony Scar, everybody. Tony Scar. Tony Scar. Tony Scar. I remember the first time. I caught my parents fucking. My mom had to sit me down and give me the talk. She says, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they buy a ball gag. And I said, mom, put a shirt on. And while my mom went to put a shirt on, my dad came to give me the same talk. He said, son. I'm autistic. And I found out the other day that I look autistic because I went to the Olive Garden and the waitress handed me crayons and paper. And I was trying to figure out what I was doing. And I was trying to explain to her that that's dehumanizing. But dehumanizing is really hard to pronounce when you're chewing on a fistful of crayons. And have a ball gag in your mouth. Thank you guys very much. Tony Scar has arrived. Ladies and gentlemen. Amazing. Welcome to the show, Tony. Thank you very much. How long have you been doing stand-up? Nine months, sir. Nine months. You're fantastic. Where did you start at? Here in Austin? I started in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Okay. Okay. That's where you live? Yeah. That is not where I live. I moved out here about four months ago. And I don't do stand-up comedy. I do musical comedy. Really? Yes, sir. How do you do that? You have a guitar or something? I do. I have a guitar. I try to do it better than it's ever been done. Amazing. Really? Well, you must be fucking. How long have you been doing that? I've been doing that for the nine months since I started as well. You started doing musical comedy and you just have funnier bits than most stand-ups that don't do that. Yes, sir. So your real specialty is with a guitar. Yes, sir. Do we have an extra guitar? We do? Uh-oh. Is that thing tuned? It is? Wow. Great. Amazing. Look at this. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? I mean, really. She even knows where to put the plug and everything. I know she looks like she's not that smart, but she's absolutely brilliant, everybody. There you go. I brought a guitar pick, too. You brought a guitar pick. Amazing. Perfect. Do your fucking thing. Can we hold a guitar up to the. A mic up to the guitar? Do you want. Does that help? No. No, he'll. It's fine. Sorry, my bad. It's plugged in, so I think we'll be just fine. Tony. Right, folks? Tony. Tony. Tony. As long as it's not, like, copywritten. It is not. It's my own original stuff. Fantastic. Do me a favor. Turn that KT logo that's underneath the mic. There you go. Perfect. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm not a control freak at all. All right, here we go, baby. Tony Scar. A one, two, three. Not quite yet, Tony. You got it. Oh, shit. Hey, Tony, make sure you get instead of the. Okay. Double check it. Okay. There we go. Wow. That is a crazy trick. How about one more time for Tony Scar, ladies and gentlemen? I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Is it French? Cause I love it She's the only woman I have ever met Whose love language is Masturbating in public I bet they say cute shit in that song They spell it out, you know what I mean The L in love is for Heroin The O in love is for Heroin The V in love is for Violence And they don't know that there's an E in love They say cute shit like For our anniversary I'll get you a loud metal rack Loud metal rack That you can bang on If it gets too quiet And the voices come back Schizophrenia I love that every inch of your skin's a different color And I love how every one of your mess sores feels like rubber And you have the prettiest, laziest eyes And when you defecate, you pick it up Just to throw it at other guys The world is ours I know that it is We can do it all We can write our initials On the sidewalk with piss Or maybe we can start a family And give birth to a Miscarriage I love it A standing ovation for Tony Starr, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much, folks. I love you all. Amazing. I gotta tell you, for nine months, my mind is completely blown. I think you have an unbelievable gift. How old are you? I'm 21 years old. 21 years old. Amazing. And this show means a whole lot to me. I love that. I gotta tell you, go fuck yourself, you asshole. Go fuck yourself. Nine months, 21 years old. That's, like, literally, if I was at the store -- It's unbelievable. That's one of the best sets I've seen from a young comic in a long time. That's how a star is born. Thank you very much, Chow Man. I appreciate it. Can you catch? I can. Yes, sir. You sure? Yes, sir. Are you positive? I am positive. Great. Here you go. It's a golden ticket. Boom. Boom. Boom. Song four, "Pony Star." Ladies and gentlemen, live in the flesh, 21. Anytime you have another song that you want to come play on this show, you just let us know, and you're gonna get to do it in front of millions of people anytime you want. Thank you. "Pony Star," ladies and gentlemen, with his "Kill Tony" debut. I'm sure you'll love it. It's the first time me and my boyfriend ever slept together. When he got in bed, he accidentally, like, kneed me right in the pussy. I was like, that's a weird way to check if I have a dick. My new boyfriend, he's really nice. He likes the Muppets. And he sings Wicked with me in the car. So my mom really likes him. But he's a little racist, so my dad likes him, too. He does comedy as well. And he's been doing it for way less than I have. And he gets books more than I do. Which means not only is he funnier than me, it means he sucks better dick than I do, too. I love Austin, I really do. But, man, half the people look half the men. And here look like they'll roofie you. While the other half of them look like they're like, um, actually, it's called Rohypnol. Thank you, my name's Tyler Rain. Tyler Rain. Welcome to the show. Hi. Hell yeah. We just heard all about you. It's an anomaly how many times you've signed up and not gotten pulled. I've wanted this for so long. Wow, congratulations. Thank you. You're in it. Thank you. Hell yeah. Thank you, thank you. Um, so. So timely. Uh, how long have you been doing stand-up, exactly? Four years. Four years. Like, actually, like, this week is my four-year anniversary. Nice. And all of it in Houston, Texas? Houston, Texas. How do you make money? Stand-up comedy. Oh, nice. Uh, I produce shows, but I also, I do a bunch of gig work. I work at the Renaissance Festival, and I'm, like, a bartender at different theaters and stuff like that. Oh, what do you do at the Renaissance Festival? Um, I do sometimes comedy, but mostly I just talk in a British accent and serve people alcohol. Can you give us an example of what that sounds like? Uh. Good day, my lord and lady. What would you like to eat? Wow. I. I usually wear a little hat. Dundee's has been waiting for years to play Renaissance Fair music. He's like, I got it. Wow. He was on that. That is incredible. You've had that loaded up forever. Timely. That's fucking awesome. Colin, why don't you go start the car? Go start the car. Yeah, thank you. Fucking killer. Fucking killer. Colin, go start the car. Thank you. Stay here, stay here. Thank you. Thank you. Wow. Amazing timely rain. Thank you. That is incredible. Is it true that you guys really sing Wicked in the car together? Yeah, that's how he got me. Really? Uh-huh. One time. Colin, let's hear you hit that crazy note up here. No, come on, Colin. No, you have to try, Colin. What song is it? What do you mean? You know which fucking one. Yeah! You can do. You gotta try, Colin. What? Stand up. Stand up, Colin. Listen to your lady, Colin. Yeah, bitch. Yeah, bitch. Stand the fuck up. You know how home life is. Listen to the timing, motherfucker. Stand the fuck up, motherfucker. Stop being a bitch. Yeah, shave that beard and stop going to. Stop being a bitch. Stop going to super cuts. It's my time, motherfucker. It's my fucking time. Hit the fucking note! All right, give him the mic. Now, fucking belt something, Colin. Oh, wow. Very good. There you go. I love it. Kermit the Frog on Wicked. That's a key murder. Yeah. Do it again. No, it's all right. It's okay. Timely, what's the craziest thing about your life? You ever see anything traumatizing or been through anything wild? Husband. What? No. Why don't you let her decide what the fucking funniest option is right now, Colin? I don't know. The most traumatic thing. My trans sister said she witnessed a stabbing in the studio yesterday. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You can't speed through that. You're a sheep. You have to say, my trans sister. You can't say, my trans sister. My trans sister. My trans sister. It's a 311 song, everybody. It is. It's called Transistor. People. Off the hit album 311 from the band 311. You know that song? Yeah. It's a great song. Okay. My trans sister told me that last night she witnessed a stabbing at a venue and I told her she needs to stop. She needs to stop hanging out with those kinds of people. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Her people. Those kinds of people. The kind that stab. Yeah. Was it a trans person stabbing another person? Yes. Yeah. It's crazy. Almost seems like there's some type of correlation between mental illness and the trans community. Isn't that interesting? They both run in my family. It almost seems like there's a slight thing going on where those are the people doing things. You know, I don't like. My brother. I don't like them. I don't like them. My brother, he's not gay, but he doesn't like me. I don't like him. I don't like him. He does wear crop tops and he hasn't told us what that means yet. What the fuck's going on in your family? My real name is actually Timely Rain. Wow. Yeah. Like you said, what's going on with your fucking family? So your parents. If your real name is Timely Rain. Are they very strict, religious, or quite the opposite? No, quite the opposite. Right. My mom was a raver in the '90s and my dad was a straight edge punk and they met while working in a record store together. Hell yeah. It all makes sense. Yeah. I'm like, "You know what? That makes me. " And Portland was born. Yeah. Well, Timely, congratulations. You got a big joke book. Very fun stuff. Thank you so much. I'm looking at you on the Secret Show. It's on the Secret Show. Congratulations. Thank you. Timely Rain and Colin Sledge, ladies and gentlemen. Hi, everybody. There you go. How fun. Hey. Do-do-do-do. Hey. Do-do-do-do-do. All right. This is the perfect time to get into the show. I'm going to be a little bit more serious. Make some noise for Biddy O'Loughlin, everyone. Biddy O'Loughlin. G'day. I'm from Australia. I'm trying to move here. Get away from gun violence. I'm trying to get away from gun violence. I'm a single mother. People say that's bad for kids. But I reckon abortions do more damage. I've been going to the gym a bit recently for my mental health. I've already got a six pack. I just want to stop wishing I was dead. Membership was cheap and the gym is on top of a tall building. I don't do long at the gym. I go for like 20 minutes. Turns out pissing off fat chicks is a real mood booster. They're just jokes. I think fat lives matter. I've got a lot of sympathy for fat people because I was anorexic. I know exactly what it's like To feel obese. Biddy O'Loughlin with a great set. Boom. Thank you. You've been on this show before, Biddy. I have. Welcome back. Thank you. Very, very fun stuff. Very fun stuff all the way around. Topical joke with the guns. Yeah. I had that the day after I was signing up and I was kind of glad I didn't get on because it might have been a little too soon. Yeah. That's perfect. That's when it's the most fun, I think. But I get in trouble all the time, so what do I know? I love it. Biddy, remind us, how long have you been on stand-up? I started 15 years ago. I took a really long break, like I did nine years off, and then I started again in 2020, just before the pandemic. And then it's been on and off. Kind of got cancelled in Australia, like blacklisted for some jokes. What jokes? Trans jokes and then drinking with Aboriginal people jokes. Please do that. Do that. Like, I would love to hear. Like, fire it up. Eh? What were the jokes exactly? Australia is a little sensitive. What did you say? Fire it up? The trans jokes, I don't know. It was just a bar I used to get a gig every three months and then one day I was just given a phone call saying, you're never going to get this gig again. And I was like, okay. And then I posted about it and then I took it down and then it got picked up by the newspaper. Probably just because my mum was a comedian, so they're like, famous comedian. My comedian's daughter is a transphobe. Ah, that'll do it. Did your mum get any backlash from having a trans daughter? She probably did in some request folder or something. D-Madness famous homophobe is here. He arrives for the anti-trans material. Even though that sweater does kind of look like the trans flag. I got to warn you, D-Madness, the colours on it. That's what it looks like. It's blue. It's blue. It's blue. And pastel. A little fun fact for you. I have it hanging over my bed, so I know. I love it. Biddy, when did you have the kid? How old is this? She's four and a half years old. Okay. Where's she at? She's been to Boston three times. She's at a hotel and I got a babysitter and it was so perfect. Everything just worked out. I was able to sign up. Amazing. Amazing. Anything weird going on with the four and a half year old? Normal kid? She's very normal. She's quite funny. Very funny, I'd say. That's something. Funny that the kid's done. Okay. Well, recently, I reverted to Catholicism a couple of years ago. I was raised Catholic and now I'm back. And I've been teaching my daughter to do the sign of the cross when we go past a Catholic church. we ride the bus everywhere so one day i was telling her to do the sign of the cross and sorry then the other day another day uh we went past her ballet school and i said oh we're coming past your ballet school and she said do i have to spin get her on stage for now get this bitch on stage i want to see her diapers right now kids are kids are funny i was facetiming with my buddy nick uh on uh christmas and he goes hey this is my niece over here this little basically around that age and i go hi kid i'm rich and famous and she went afterwards to her mom and goes i met nick's friend richard famous see how adorable that is kids say the darndest things they do uh biddy where's the uh baby daddy at he is in my hometown of alice springs yeah but he's not in the kid's life um he he knows about her and uh he he would he would catch up with us sorry there's just some band members that are questioning they'd like to know if you're single there's some yeah that song's funnier in renaissance fair uh i love it what does the dad do for work um we met at work actually we're working on a tv show he was a camera assistant and i was the director's assistant and um you fucking said go for it but i'm celibate now you went are you are you really yeah yeah is that by choice sex until i am married which probably means i'll never get married yeah well you have a single kid so it's not easy out there yeah it's you're fine i gotta tell you you really killed you killed the vibe in this room no biddy you're fantastic you are a true pro thank you so much for being here and i'm going to thank you so much fun stuff you already have a big joke book right from your last time on perfect there she goes video laughlin on to the next one you guys still having fun out there anything can happen ladies and gentlemen and this looks like a new name maybe i don't know we'll see make some noise for your next comedian it's jimmy prescott everybody there he is jimmy prescott i made a mistake i shaved my beard after two years i used to look like a man a homeless man but still a man now i look like i never got over weezer i look like i never i look like the cuck chair at the hotel was created for me politically i am a leftist right-wing liberal far right left right woke racist i'm only joking guys i am not woke and i don't like politics but i do like starting political arguments on social media i like it so much that if i had pronouns they would be block and report should also mention that i am not racist because i have a friend who is black everyone knows if you have one or more black friends you can't be a racist now i'll be honest i haven't hung out with my black friend in a couple of years but i still write to him in prison thank you fuck yeah jimmy thank you i like your style you're great how long you've been on stand-up one year one year yes wow all of it here in austin yep this is where you live i lived i lived here since 1996 wow where were you at before that houston okay and what made you pick austin because it's i got a job up here okay what do you do for work i worked at video game companies so i was working on ultima online nice red band probably knows about it very well i'm positive i'm not a positive so i've hung out with richard garriott you know he was like my old boss yeah and then then i got into just normal tech stuff okay yeah cool i love it uh you married kids anything i have a kid okay yeah four and a half year old in australia no no oh yeah you said it yeah i got a kid i love it and uh so you're working in tech now yeah just some weird hardware yeah so i'm not supposed to talk about it i got it what made you want to start stand up a year ago um i was like you know just hanging around and i've always kind of wanted to do it and i was making uh short films and stuff a long time ago so you know like comedy short films yeah i made a short film called love whole street it's about a guy who finds comfort over a recent breakup of the arms of his favorite chair oh yeah if you get to about like i think it's 14 and 30 14 minutes 30 seconds in and you're not and you're watching it with no headphones somebody's gonna think you're watching porn ah yeah so it's called what was the time mark again the what i got it's called love whole street love whole street and that's on youtube yeah yeah nice yeah okay great what else jimmy tell us more about your life um let's see my high school girlfriend went on to become penthouse pet of the year 2002 wow i'm gonna start it there megan mason there yeah megan mason on your phone what's that can i see her oh yeah you can google her you can just google her dude you don't need my phone megan mason penthouse pet of the year 2002 i did 2020 so oh there you go yeah megan mason all right you horny fucks jesus christ let's stick with the interview here while you go fucking try to get a boner have a good time that's her stage name talks about nothing i know her real name he does too fuck okay jimmy what else tell her i was on here what's a weird habit that you have that you do every day shit a weird habit um i don't know i just you know i don't know about that one a weird habit i'm trying to think of something what's the first thing you do when you walk when you get out of bed you get out of bed you do what i eat as in you eat as in yeah i gotta wake up wow okay yeah i think you're supposed to just leave it in your mouth but well yeah yeah yeah i put it in my yeah i eat it it's fine perfect like three of them okay cereal and then what you have a cup of coffee does your kid live with you no okay of course the kid you're gonna love this uh-huh i didn't know he was my kid until he was 16 wow okay so how did you find out so he did a 23 and me test uh-huh and yeah and people with my last name started popping up in the family tree he asked his mom and his mom was like oh shit so she messaged me and i was like hey let's do a paternity test 99.9999 percent wow yeah it's amazing so tell us about the 16 year old like well he's almost 18 now right yeah so we're hanging out we've been hanging out i'm paying child support what was the time mark on that short film was it 14 30 oh it's 14 14 30 yeah about 14 30 i'm sorry i just got back about 14 30 yeah yeah so uh yeah anyway he's got a kid he met at 16 i'm i'm being a good father he's on my insurance you know like paying child support you guys have anything in common you guys are like i mean is oh he's awesome quirky that you notice that you guys have in common oh we have the same pinky toe what what's weird what's weird about your pinky toe they look exactly the same wait hold on time out so you have a child i told you you missed a lot you can't just take a piss and jump in on this yeah hold on let me just let me just stick with this for a second yeah you're saying that your pinky toe looks the same exactly the same but but what's odd or it's like tiny little twisted very small nail how the fuck do you know all this your fat tits okay jesus christ on your fat tits my god you guys are out of control honestly let me see your feet no you don't have to do that no he's doing it okay let's start seeing this shit the random ass fucking yep yep that's it see that little fucking that's he's got the comp case let me see lift it up over here i can't see it he's got the comp don't dude that's fucking disgusting oh yeah you're right on the table that thing is under his uh it's under his ring toe for yeah yeah no i have the same one pinky's a college football that fucking second what are you toerating me that is look at this comp cast remote look at this right next to his big toe look at this remote dude it goes that's wild comes back out all the buttons get to netflix you get the netflix on this dude's left foot oh yeah this episode brought to you by straight tequila everybody just absolutely un-fucking-real what's going on over here uh jimmy oh jimmy anything else crazy about your life we should know before getting you out of here um let's see i got a pilot's license i don't know what do you do with it you ever use it not anymore i did it for fun yeah one day i woke up and i was like you know what i'm gonna get a fucking pilot's license and that's what i did that's awesome i took a bunch of friends flying and now i don't do it so was it uh 9 10 you know that's a good question i don't know probably you guys so we had an event called 9 11 in this country okay i was there i saw it you were in new york i wasn't there but i was watching on tv yeah we all yeah all right i'm 48 kidding jimmy great stuff great set especially for a year congratulations jimmy prescott how fun this episode brought to you by mezcal and double talk uh nothing better than youtube just going fucking wild animals up here i'm like this will be fun i'll book two of my favorite drinking buddies at the same time. What could go wrong? Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll. Hold on, this lady's got to go fuck a sheep with her vest on. Look at this. Look at that thing. Look at that. Unbelievable. Alright, your next bucket poll. You guys still having fun out there, huh? Make some noise for your next one. It's Matt Rebus, everybody. Here we go. It's Matt Rebus. How we doing, everybody? Damn. Fuck, man. I just got addicted to OnlyFans. Yeah, man. You guys realize OnlyFans is like the new form of scratch-offs? Yeah, it'd be on the homepage, just blurry picture, $5. I'm like, I can afford that. I bought 10 of them one time like they're a pack of Pokemon cards. I started ripping them looking for a Charizard. It was just a bunch of EVs. I was like, goddammit. Yeah, one time, dude, I bought a 10-pack worth of toes. $10. I'm like, bitch, this is $4 worth of toes, max. Yeah, I looked at it. I was like, I sent another $1.99 just to message her. I was like, bitch, this is $4 worth of toes, max. He painted skin on that pinky toe. That's a nub. Fucking crazy. OnlyFans is cool. I feel like OnlyFans is like the new form of fucking fantasy football. Yeah, fantasy football. They get the fan groups together and start competing for the MVP. Yeah, the most valuable pussy is just crazy. I guess that's it. Matt Rivas. Matt, are you extremely tired right now? Yeah, I am. A little bit. I'm a little Asian, too. It doesn't count. Okay. Are you high, too? No, just a little Asian, dude. I found out that 10 years ago. Yeah. Wait, hold on. You found out you're Filipino? No, I found out I was a little Japanese. Just a little bit. Well, every Japanese is a little Japanese. It took you that long to look into a mirror? Shit, I thought I was Mexican until this fucking 10 years ago. Just him in the lake going, oh, shit. I might be fucking Japanese. So, exactly, you don't have your dad in your life? No, I do have a father. Nice, brown, Mexican father. So, your mom's a little bit Japanese? No, my dad is. He's the guy. It's like three generations. ago from, like, the 1800s. He came over making fireworks and shit. Does your dad have those eyes? Well, get your fucking crutches and come back out and do the set again. It makes sense because you're just bomb. I know. Yeah. Trust me, I know. 10% Hiroshima. Yeah, you were 150% Chinese tonight, pal. It was a prophecy. It had to happen in the fat man. Matt Rebus, how long have you been doing stand-up? Four years. What do you do for work? I was roadie-ing for a singer. I've been doing roadie work this last few weeks and months and shit like that. You're a roadie? Yeah. You, like, plug in microphones and stuff? Plug in microphones, drive the tour bus, all that good stuff. Okay. For anyone we would know? He's a country singer out of Fort Worth, Louis the Singer. Pretty cool guy, yeah. Good match for a Japanese. Yeah, dude. I was the most. Driving a tour bus. Nothing better than you people. Out there with a 15-ton weapon. So, Matt, what's your love life like? Dude, it's horrible. I got rejected at HEB the other day, man. It fucked me up. They wouldn't let you buy groceries? No. No, this nice lady rejected me, man. What do you mean? It's hard, because it's hard to buy groceries and hit on women whenever you can only afford fucking Vienna sausages. You know? Yeah. I'm walking around with five flavors of Spam. This girl got chia seeds and kale. I'm like, I can't afford that shit. Kale's like $10 a bushel nowadays, dude. It's fucking fucked. And I don't like chia seeds, man. Yeah. I hate that shit. It feels like cum. I don't like it. I just tell you, your blind guitar player said, I wish I was deaf. Yeah. It's amazing. It is incredible. All right, Matt. I'm going to keep it moving along. Here's a medium joke book for you. There he goes. Matt Revis, everybody. Go take a nap, Matt. Go take a nap. You're exhausted right now. It's not, it's more than just Asian there. All right. Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Emanuel Martinez. Everybody make some noise for Emanuel. These people have been waiting all day for this. For the opportunity of a lifetime. Hello? Hello? Thank you. I had jaw surgery growing up. It's a fun fact that I like to bring up on dates. I was on one day and this girl was like, oh my gosh, can we still kiss? I was like, actually, I just prefer sex. She said, I prefer we just kiss. I was like, all right. Well, I know you paid for dinner, but I prefer we kiss. Ah. She had a kid, too, which was crazy. And, you know, we got along. Me and her kid got along until one night that kid called me dad. Yeah, dude, I'm with you. I left. I was only 18 at the time, all right? I was only 18, okay? I can't be responsible for a 15-year-old. Like, I see him I see him in school every day. We take the same classes. He helps me out homework every night. I was like, dude, you should be my dad. I can't be a father figure to someone and then share the same bully. Imagine that. Okay, Emmanuel Martinez. All right. Hello. Have you been on this show before? First time, Tony. This is your first time. Okay, good. I'm good. I'm about to hit two years in March. Okay, two years in March. Where have you been doing it? North Carolina. North Carolina. Yes. I was born in Texas, but raised in North Carolina. Okay. I'm a grad student. Of what? Physical therapy. Do you do that? I'm in school for it. You're still in school. How much longer do you have left? First year is about to be over. I've got two more years. Two more years. How old are you? I'm 28. 28. What made you want to get into physical therapy now? I was a trainer for a very long time. I did nursing school, and then I failed, and I was like, all right, well. You failed at what? Nursing school? Nursing school. How did you fail? Explain to us exactly what part you failed at. I failed. It was a community college, too. That's embarrassing. Laughter. Yeah. I. I know. Keep going. I was doing. You have four exams throughout the year. The first one, I did good. I got too cocky, and then I bombed, like, the third exam, and then. Dude, he's breaking down the exam. Just tell us why you're dumb, dude. You gotta talk about that, dude. You gotta talk about that. You're the worst doctor, a shitty nurse. Like, do that. Like, that's. Yeah. Nursing at a community college? That's pretty awful, dude. Yeah. Were you studying? Were you trying? I was trying. Do you think that maybe. I was. Do you think maybe, like, that might not be your thing? Have you ever thought about working in a factory or something, perhaps? Like, maybe helping other humans' health if you can't pass the stuff, like, isn't for you? I have a question. How long have you been in this country? How long have you been here? Look at me. Look at me in the eyes. 28 years. What's your first name? Emmanuel. It's on the page. It's on the page. Emmanuel, anything crazy about your life that we'll find interesting? Let's see. I had the jaw surgery a little bit. Why? Why'd you have jaw surgery? I had an underbite. So, like, they, like, broke. broke both my jaws, and they bit it like that. Somebody's booing your surgery over here. Was that you? Who was it? What are you gonna do? I'm gonna. Perform physical therapy on them? Alright. Yeah. Emmanuel, here's a little joke book. We're gonna keep it moving along. Thank you. Good job, buddy. There you go. A couple very sleepy Mexicans back-to-back here on Kill Tony, really, bringing the momentum to a screeching halt. Just exhausted Mexicans. Anybody notice that? Just, uh, I don't know. We need to create another crippled Asian to bring it back. Remember when they used to. Remember when they used to have the energy? They used to be ready to work. Hey, what's up, everybody? Now they're exhausted. These people are exhausted Mexicans now. I failed out of nursing school. I couldn't know. All right. Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Saul Wilson, everybody. Here we go. Saul Wilson. How's it going? I overheard a lesbian talking to her friend about how she's gonna spice up her relationship. And she's like, yeah, we're getting a fleshlight for our dildo. That's a, you know, third party. But, uh, I was in traffic. and And I saw this lesbian again driving in a car, except she wasn't on the road. She was, like, on the sidewalk, and it wasn't a real car. It was, like, a much smaller car, like, kind of odd-looking. And on the back of her window, it said, toys are just like real boys. And I was kind of drunk the other night, and I thought I walked into a Whataburger, but it was a D-Madness' house, and he was like, what, a burger? And let's say when I turn on the lights, he didn't have all the ingredients for a burger, so I had to go. All right, thanks so much. All right, Saul Wilson. What the fuck happened there? Hi, Saul, welcome. This is your first time on the show. Yes, thanks so much. I would remember that fucking head. I always wonder what Tony Hawk would look like with full-blown leukemia. It's amazing. Saul Wilson. Looks like you could use a little jaw surgery, huh? All right, Saul. Not too long, like two years, I'd say. Two years, I love it. Where at? Okay, this is. Like, frowned upon, but in my car. Okay, tell us what you mean by that. Like, doing rideshare, just doing my bits to people. Oh, really? You're one of those guys. Holy shit. Has it ever backfired? Has anyone ever been like, yo, dude, please, can you just shut the fuck up? Because that's what they're thinking, so. Yeah, this one time I had, I guess it was like, you know, two wives, and, you know, maybe in Texas, that's like, you don't talk about this stuff, but I made, like, a big dick joke. What was the joke? I forget, but, you know, like, I essentially said. I said, already I said too much. Anyways, but it was just uncomfortable. They didn't have to know that. Can I hear the joke? Can I. He doesn't remember it, so. What is going on? It was like, uh. You tell jokes in your car. Yeah. to two lesbians? How are you always around all these lesbians? Seems like everything you do, there's lesbians involved. Steve Allen alone. That was just the theme for tonight. Steve Allen alone. Oh, yeah. All right. You don't remember the joke? You sure? Yeah, it was like, like, in conversation, like, just like. Ah, got it. Got it. Chatting it up with lesbos. Saul, so that's what you do for work? You're, you drive? Yeah. Okay. What kind of car do you have? Mazda. Oh, okay. Mazda 3. Pre-owned or new? Um. Can I get a joke? Can I get a drink? Yeah, absolutely. Uh, so, Saul, tell us something interesting about your life. How old are you? I'm, uh, 36. 36. You got 36 years of experience to draw from. Give us a little fun fact about Saul Wilson that might surprise us. Uh. I could beatbox, I guess. Oh! Fucking send. Okay. Send it, Saul! Nothing better than the whitest white guy ever beatboxing. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Saul Wilson. Oh, no, I've never done it in front of people. Okay. Okay. Turn your back. You tell a big dick joke in front of lesbians, but you don't beatbox? Let's do this shit. Just pretend like you're in your car. Make yourself at home. I don't even know, like, I think they hold it a certain way, right? Well, just, just try it, Saul. Just fucking, just. Right here, they. Ask them. What do you mean, they? Um. Here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, the whitest white guy of all time beatboxing live. Who hates blacks? Here on. He's about to beatbox. Uh. Oh, wow. No, yeah, I've never done it. You got this, Saul. Wow, it sounds so stupid. I'm so sorry. No, I want you to keep. Hold on. Guys. You got it. Guys, guys, guys. I want you to keep trying until you get it. You got it. How do you do it in real life? Um. No, I was. I'm sorry. You literally can't beatbox at all. My mouth is dry. My mouth is dry. Here, have a sip of water. We're gonna do this until you fucking beatbox. I will keep us here all night. Can I. All right. Hold on. Let him do it. Wow. You have. I'm sorry. It sounds so stupid. Wow. That's incredible. You have the rhythm of Yehi's crutches. Incredible. Unbelievable. Just. No timing whatsoever. Just. It sounds like Yehi coming up the stairs. Beatbox. Why so many stale?. upon that shit. There's so many stale. Chick, chick, chick, chick. You sound like Yehi falling down the stairs, actually. It's just. It's just a Jew sneezing into the mic. Awkward. Allergies. Allergies. That's a Jew opening the bill at a restaurant. Fuck. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's mine. That's mine. Yehi is actually a Michael Jackson impersonator, too. She's Yehi. You're out of control. Where's my whiskey? You need to drink. Wow. Saul, is there anything you can do? I could kind of do the, like, the late SNL guy's voice. Oh, fuck. Okay, let's. Sorry, Saul. Let's do it. Let's hear that. Let's hear that. You don't have to say, I've never done it before. Like, we know. Just do it. Live from Austin, it's Gildoni. You can't do that, either. What else do you think you can do? This is absolutely incredible. You might be the most untalented man in the history of the show. You should do what you just did. You should give me a gold bar for being here. You are the opposite of a talented human. You owe me a gold. Okay, what else do you think you can do? Because this is entertaining. Come on, give us something else. Show me your fat tits. Can you do an impression of something? Is there something else? Someone's going to show their fat tits tonight. I swear to God. It's going to be you, Tommy. It's definitely going to be you. You're 10 mezcals in. It's going to be your fat tits on this show tonight. Oh, God forbid. How many of you want to see Tommy's tits, huh? Oh, they have spoken. Oh, now you're having fun, huh? Fucking perverts. We want to see those pepperoni pizzettes, dude. I got normal fucking nips. You got normal nips? I don't think anybody believes them. Looky here. Whoa, there's the lovely Heidi. Here they come. Here they come. He's going to open up that Shawshank Redemption fucking polo shirt he's got. Fucking hot chicks. Get the fuck out of here. It's for the boys. This is for the boys. I don't want any fucking hot chicks. Let's see. Oh, my God. Look how hairy those are. Oh, my God. Literally. He's got the chest of the mighty Chewbacca, ladies and gentlemen. This guy knows how to co-pilot the Millennium Falcon. Wow. I just saw Fifty Shades of Grey. Falcon, let's just pass out. Saul Wilson, you've had some time to think over there. Is there anything else you're good at? He's still on the stage. Yeah. Dude, I'm not kidding you. I thought he left. No, I know. That's crazy you're still here, dude. Saul, is there. I would fucking ran through the vent if I were you. Is there anything else you think you can do? That's nuts. He's stuck around. I'm leaning on the comedy, I guess. What? I'm leaning on the comedy. Okay. All right, Saul. Well, fun times. You're leaving here with a little joke, but congratulations. Sign up again. Give us another minute sometime. We'll see if it can go better. Anything can happen. Stick around. You might see him improve. All right, let's do it. Final bucket bowl of the night goes by the name of Daniel Shepard, everybody. Here we go. Daniel Shepard. Danny! Danny! I saw a black guy driving a Waymo. He definitely stole that shit. There's no other way. I actually saw a black technician driving it. The joke wrote itself. Anyway. But I asked my gay friend, what is it like to be gay? And he said, it sucks cock. That's amazing. I found out bananas are technically berries. Did you guys know that? I always knew you could bury them up your ass. But I never would have pegged them as berries. Y'all ever notice that trans women are always really cool dudes? They're great guys. Every time. I love trans women. I'm 1950. 50s gay, that means I like black women. according to my grandpa, that's gay. Okay, Daniel Shepard, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is. Absolutely adorable. Thank you. Obviously, what ethnicity are you? French bulldog? Got an adorable round head, this boy. You just want to squeeze those cheeks. I got called that today. I got called that and a testicle today. I bet. I can see that. I'm not happy about it. I can see the resemblance. You've given my third French bulldog today. I love it. Daniel, how long have you been doing stand-up? I'm about to be going on five years. Where at? Here in Austin. I love it. This is where you're born and raised? Yes, sir. I just got a job. I'm a stripper. I work at a wire factory. I just got a job stripping wires and fabricating cables and stuff. Very nice. Yes. Very nice. What did you do before that? I was into welding. I actually parked cars for a long time with the PMC company out here. Okay. I was a valet. Then they made me a bellhop and the tips were really shitty, but I loved working there and I got free food. But the black guy got tipped a lot and I got tipped nothing. We both did a great job and he couldn't understand why I wanted to quit. And, you know, I like that guy a lot. I don't know why. Never mind. The hell?. Come again? Do you hate blacks? I was jealous of my black coworker, but no, I don't hate blacks. I have a lot of black friends. How many black friends do you think you have exactly, Daniel? I have many black friends. I have a lot. Can you name some of your black friends for me? We want their names. Mr. Mars Martian and now my best friend, Brennan from childhood. I have. You stay in touch with Brennan? Brennan, yeah. He's from Ohio. How often do you talk to him? I touch base with him. A few times a year. We met in middle school. He taught me how to be cool in middle school, you know? Okay. So you. Didn't work. Sorry. But I haven't seen Brennan in a long time. You haven't seen him in a long time? Yeah. Okay, what black friends, other than co-op and mic comedians, what other black friends do you have? Name one that you see that you don't have to do work with. Let me see here. Fuckin' Jamar. Yeah, it's been a minute. I'm busy doing comedy. Who's Jamar? Who's Jamar? Are you lying? Jamar is a friend of. Mutual friend of Brennan and I. What's his last name? Huh? Yeah. Fuck. I don't remember. I don't remember Jamar's last name. How many Asian friends? Look at me, motherfucker. I have. You racist piece of shit. Koreans. Koreans. Yeah? Okay, name the Korean. First name, last name. My Korean friend just died. Oh, fuck. Yeah. It's so easy. How did your Korean friend die? On a motorcycle. He got hit. Wow. By your black friend?. I don't know who hit him. Your Asian friend died on a motorcycle, and you're saying that he didn't cause the accident? No, I don't think so. I think he got T-boned. I think, you know, I don't know. It was out of North Austin. That's your other black friend, T-boned?. I'll start making shit up. I'm trying to be honest. Yeah. They all hit each other at the same time. T-boned. T-bone Jenkins, ladies and gentlemen. It is true. Wow. So your Korean friend died on a motorcycle. Tragically, yeah. I've known him since I was five. Yeah. Game over for him. All right, P. You've known him since you were five. I love you, bye-bye. I go to his class now, bye. See you soon. Rest in peace. I can do that, because I'm-- Bye. See you. Yeah, I shouldn't be doing that. Bye, Vincent D'Onofrio. Bye, Full Metal Jacket. I love you. I loved you in the Oscars. What? I did. I loved him on the Oscars. What do you mean? Didn't you host the Oscars? What do you-- No, I'm Timu Jokoi. Oh, fuck. Oh. Yeah. Sorry, dude. I was praising you. Are you serious? That was adorable. What is your name, sir? That rules. That rules. I love it. All right, Daniel. You've been on this show before, right? Yes, sir. What'd you get then? I got a small joke book last time. Okay. Well, you've moved it up to a slightly medium joke book. Let's go. There he goes, Daniel Shepard. Thank you, Tony. You're welcome, buddy. Thanks. Put that mic. Stand back where you found it, Daniel, real quick. There you go. Put the mic stand up instead of networking with the comedians. Put it back where you found it. There you go, buddy. There goes Daniel Shepard, everybody. This guy's trying to shake hands. Hey, if you ever need an opener or something sometime. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, our regulars are all out this week. Yeah, crazy. But we do have one prolific Golden Ticket winner left to close tonight's show. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise and celebrate Aaron Belial, everybody. Here he is. ♪♪ The legend. ♪♪ Blue Tooth Jenkins is what we call him. The brother of T-Bone. From America's Got Talent and Kill Tony fame, this is Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is. ♪♪ I don't have a single black friend. ♪♪ People assume I'm mentally retarded and they start playing charades with me. It happened six times at the airport on the way here. Like, I ordered Starbucks and my order was ready and she starts doing this. ♪♪ ♪♪ By the sixth time, I just started doing it back to them. Hey, Sharon, I'm going to kill your hole. ♪♪ Fucking. Family. You. Stupid. Piece of fucking shit. ♪♪ All that, and she says, "Oh, no. I think he needs to use the potty." ♪♪ Tommy Pope, this sick fuck, is just sitting here, thinking about smelling my retard foot. ♪♪ Why would he -- why -- what's that? Because he didn't hear about the fat tits story. ♪♪ I'll smell your fat fucking foot. ♪♪ Oh, shit. Oh, he's laughing. I know you will. He's getting excited. What'd you say? I know you will. I'll smell your foot. Is this like a running joke or something? Why would he smell your retard foot? I don't understand what's happening. Tommy does -- What? Do you have a half-finished baked idea you want to say, too? I didn't want to interrupt him, but Tommy does do that thing where he hugs you and he, like, smells your ear and shit and, like, sniffles it. Great stuff, Red Band. All right, let's go back to the -- Describe Tommy's hugs in the middle of the fucking show. What do you got? Good hug. Oh, Aaron's pissed. Look at him. He's furiously tight. Let me cook, gay boy. Okay, yes. Okay, cook. Cook. I'm literally the one that brings you on the fucking show. I get nothing out of this. But, yes, I'm not letting you cook enough. Jesus fucking Christ. You ever think being so ungrateful is why God hit you with -- What does he smell like? Smell my fingers. What is happening right now? There might be a reason why the baristas think you're retarded, Aaron. You're out of your fucking mind. Gay he is so wet right now. Aaron, what's going on in life? Tell us about it. I want to let you cook. I just want to give you an opportunity to really cook it up in here. A guy that can literally only cook things in a microwave. But, yes, go ahead. I'm going to let you microwave something up for everybody. Okay. Lean cuisine over here. Old fucking Swanson dinner over here. Go ahead. I have an air fryer. Oh. It's mother's womb. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Oh, my God. - Yeah. I'm sorry. I know, I know, I know. I'm sorry. Aaron, what else is going on in life? Help me, I'll beat the fuck out of you right now, dude. Do you really cook? We got on cooking. You do have a built-in spatula. Is there something? Since you said let me cook, I'm curious. Is there something you specialize in? Me and Aaron are friends, by the way. He doesn't, yeah, there you go. He likes to, when he has to type, he can't smile and type at the same time, so he gets serious. But when he looks up, he can smile. There he goes, looks serious. I'm just on the road a lot. Yeah. Going back on the road with Steve-O in the new year. Nice, nice, absolutely. Aaron, you're fantastic. We love you. You're a golden ticket winner, as always, and you did it yet again. How about a hand for Aaron Belisle, ladies and gentlemen? The drawing from Ryan J. Ebel is in. Steve Byrne is on tour. Go to punchup.live. Find us tour dates. Tommy Pope has podcasts, Stuff Island, and Look at Dish, a cooking show, which is awesome. How about one more time for Aaron Belisle, everybody? Sweet boy. He can get a little feisty sometimes. He paid for Let Me Cook, Gay Boy. I put him through the ringer for that one. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. That's the great Ron White. Fuck yeah. Fun times tonight, people. Make sure you go to Netflix. Watch Kill Tony once upon a time in Texas. It's out now. Push it to the moon, Red Band. Check out my new video on YouTube, Cap Red 7. It's called Cherry Root Beer. Thank you. Okay, there you go. And we love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. One more time for Steve Byrne and Tommy Pope. God bless this audience, and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Good night. Good night. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. She's wide awake in her whiskey hole. We'll be right back.