#751 - SHANE GILLIS + JOE ROGAN

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHingeCliff.com for everything the golden pony, TonyHingeCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Huh? [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -Dee-ee-ee! -Yeah! -It's the best of our Iron Red family. -Yeah! -Oh, my God. We've done it again. You are here. How you guys feeling tonight? -Whoo! -This is Killtony. Brought to you by Netflix, ladies and gentlemen, where this upcoming Monday, January 12, Killtony, once upon a time in Texas, airs only streaming on Netflix. So we won't be on YouTube next week. We are only on Netflix. How cool is that, huh? [ Cheers and applause ] -Have a one more time for the best standband in the land. Carlos, Sosa, Rao, Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Matt Mewling on guitar tonight, playing a Matt Mewling signature guitar from John Page Guitars. John Dees on the Keys. And believe it or not, that is the real de-madness live in the flesh. The Killtony band single "Pandemonium" out now on Spotify and everywhere where music is played. Here's a little bit more of the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Killtony Show 2 Houston, Texas, February 28, and Dallas, March 28. Go to TonyHinchcliff.com for tickets. Right now, come see an actual Killtony Show in the great state of Texas, one in Houston, February 28, one in Grand Prairie, March 28, TonyHinchcliff.com. Get tickets now. -You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? [ Cheers and applause ] You know, I love living here in Austin, Texas. And I just get to work with my friends every week. This is one of those episodes where, truly, two of my best friends in the world are on tonight's panel. Austin's own makes some fucking noise for Joe Rogan and Shane Gillett. [ Cheers and applause ] Here we go. Yeah! Goddamn motherfucking right, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ] We are here. Shane Gillett's doing the Lincoln Financial Field, aka Eagle's mother-fucking-football stadium, July 17th. Yeah, yeah, go to that. [ Laughter ] And Joe Rogan of the JRE, the number one show around the world. [ Cheers and applause ] These are the homies. Normally, we get to hang out on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, some Thursdays. But tonight, we are here on a fucking Monday. Getting the week started right. How we feeling, gentlemen? Let's fucking go. -Yes, sir. -Feel good. I feel excited. [ Laughter ] Legitimately, very excited and excited to be here. You guys are two of the best guests in the show's history, so you already know that this bucket is filled with over 250 or so of hopefuls' names. Sometimes it's a great upcoming comedian who we haven't discovered yet. Sometimes it's an insane person that just signed up this week. You never know what can happen. I'm gonna go -- I'm gonna let this guy whose eyes are extremely close together. I'm gonna let you pick the first name tonight. You could wear a monocle. And look through both eyes, through a monocle. It's unbelievable. If I select one of these people out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bearer. Which rudely interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview. They get feedback from my dear friends here. And we have a hoot nanny. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? We're gonna get it started tonight with a golden ticket winner. Well, we go wrangle that innocent soul who's going to go up after him. This golden ticket winner is graded opening the show. Very neurotic. Very, very wild boy. Makes some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted. A brand new set from Jack Shy. Everybody, here we go. (applause) Someone DM'd me and they said, "Fuck you. "Fuck the Jews. "I don't support bombing hospitals." And I was like, "Goo, that's not me. "I'm not doing that. "I have no partner that. "If I did have a drone, I'd bomb the homeless people." (laughter) That's, I mean, talk about making unwanted settlements. That's what I'm talking about. Okay, didn't go great. All right, cool. (laughter) Oh, I'm just a silly little guy, dude. That's just what I am. My girl told me that it gives her the ick that I pee sitting down. (laughter) So I got upset with her, okay? And I said, "If you don't like me pee sitting down, "you should see me pooping standing up." (laughter) Also didn't go as great as I thought it would, okay? Very cool. Awesome. Okay, got one more. Awesome. Okay. Hey, you guys hear this app rocket money? Okay. I got this out. And if you don't know what it is, it's an app that tells you the subscriptions that you have. And, well, I got the app. It turns out I have two rocket money subscriptions. (laughter) Thank you guys. Jack Shaw. Really. Criticizing himself throughout his set. Not leaving much work for us to do. I don't know why you had to bring up the DM that I sent you. Yeah. That was supposed to be between me and you. Jack, I mean, you know how that went. You thought it was going to go better, huh? I really did. Yeah. I was really like, wow, that's going to go great. I wasn't. Why do you think it was? What do you think exactly happened here tonight? Yeah, that's a great question. And I think that maybe it was me. Oh. (laughter) You are correct. That is the correct answer. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. How's life been going, Jack? It's been great. It's the last night of Hanukkah tonight, everybody. Wow. That's the way to get the Texas crowd on your side. Yeah. (laughter) I, uh, I actually, I brought some presents for all of you guys. That's kind of what a-- You did? I brought some presents. Wow. Can you bring out my Hanukkah presents? Oh, my goodness. (cheering) There we go. It's Hanukkah time with Jack Shaw, ladies. Hanukkah time and ladies first. So, Tony. Oh. I actually got you something very special. I made you your very own Killtony Yamaka. Wow. Oh, okay. Put that on. Put that on. (laughter) Oh, it says I'm gay on it. There you go. Yeah. This is where all your preparation for this week's set went into. Yeah. I love it. You should wear that. Oh, you should wear that. Shut the fuck up. No, I'm just-- I'm just wearing it. Like I said, tonight's episode is already brought to you by Netflix. (laughter) I don't need to put it off. And rocket money. When the deal's up in two years, I might have to put this back on it. But for now, we good. All right. What else you got over there? Oh, we got-- and then we got-- I got something special for Red Band. Oh. I got you a lean cuisine. 'Cause you're fat. There you go. This is going so much better than your set. This is incredible. Could you pass this down now? (laughter) What? If you do, he actually ate it already. (laughter) Of course there's nothing in it fatty. But if you tear it up properly, it actually turns into a lean cuisine Yamaka. (laughter) Okay, what else, Jack? It's a good idea. I should talk to you more. Okay. And then for our favorite Latino members of the band, I got you citizenship to the United States of America. Wow. And for-- It'll catch you all the way home. Carlos Sosa and Michael Gonzalez, you are Americans. Wow. (cheering) Absolutely incredible. How many gifts do you have left over there? Very much for everyone in the audience. Okay, and then John Dees, I got you something. I didn't really know what to get you, but Hans Kim told me to get you a bike lock so you could practice stealing. So, wow, look at that. That's for you. Okay, we'll take care of that later. What else do you got there, Jack? Okay, Matt Muleing, I heard that you're a big liberal. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, my God. Wow! That flag is crazy. [ Laughter ] You're near it? You go, "Wow, that just gets a frenic." Do you know what I mean? That flag is totally just gets a frenic. What is going on here? Apparently, it's an inclusivity flag. There's so much happening in that flag. Yeah, I don't know what this is. Wait, did we get a white stripe on there? [ Laughter ] Now, hold on a second. This flag might fucking be all right. [ Laughter ] I don't know if there's a white stripe on the flag. [ Laughter ] That's crazy. We're fighting the good fight. We're going to throw that on the ground, dude. Oh, you can't do that. That's not for you. We're going around your shoulders like a prize fighter. Yeah. This is for Matt to wear, so I'll give that to him. I'm going to wear it like a cape fly away. [ Laughter ] That thing, flag. You got to treat it like you see Iranian flag. I don't know what that means. It means that it'll kill you if you leave it on the ground. Oh! Okay. [ Laughter ] You got to fold it properly. Yeah. [ Laughter ] Got it. [ Laughter ] I'll give it. Oh, no! [ Laughter ] All right, I'm a panicking. I am a fully panicking. You're doing a good job. It's going to end up in a dumpster next to a Kyltoni Yamaka later, so. It's all good. Dude, I spent $20 on that. Uh-oh. I really thought you'd like it, Tony. No, it's great. It's great. I really do. I'm just making jokes, Jack. I'm like you during your set tonight. Oh! His new -- his new getter done is that didn't go how I expected it to. Have you ever thought about doing props? Yeah, right now. I think you should. I was talking to Carrotop about this, because it's kind of crazy that he's the only guy that does props now. Yeah. When I first started out, there was a lot of prop comics. It was a common thing. But Carrotop got so big that the upcoming people thought they would be stealing if they started doing props. But I think it's a legitimate idea for you. This was like way funnier than the other stuff. [ Laughter ] Dude, you're in, like. Very clever. You're very clever. You didn't like the rocket money joke? It was okay. I am money. Since then, I have two rocket money subscriptions. That's good. Yeah, it's good. That's good. You didn't get anything for D Madness? And that's the final gift of the night. D Madness. I heard you lost your eyes in that tragic accident. So. Jesus Christ. It's not at all what happened, but. I got you some brand new eyes. Oh. They really broke. They really broke. Okay, I thought that was gonna go better too. Okay. So that. That was this kill, Tony said. You did good, Jack. Thank you for all the gifts. Thank you. D Madness, those are Google-y eyes. You're wondering what's going on. It's good. Keep that trans flag away from D Madness, or else he's gonna light on fire. Famous homophobe. D Madness. Uh, okay. That's your first comedian of the night. But now we go to the bucket where. Believe it or not, it's usually more insane. So we're gonna see what happens here. Your first bucket pool tonight. Make some noise for Co-Jack, everybody. And then an interview. Co-Jack. Hey. People keep asking me why did Jake Paul dirty in the sixth round? I said, I'm like. I said, come on, bro. I'm not even British. Stop playing. I do like boxing, though. Rest in peace to George Foreman, boxing legend, died a couple months ago. You guys know George Foreman? Yes. Notably known for naming all his kids George Foreman, even the girls. But also the George Foreman Grill. I'm sure you all had a George Foreman Grill, right? I just moved into my new apartment. I got a George Foreman Grill, but I'm a little cheap, so I got a knockoff version. I got the George Floydman Grill. It's sort of like the George Foreman Grill, but you got to press down extra hard to get the grill marks. Ah. Call me Co-Jack Kaepernick out this bitch. I expected the grill marks to say B-L-T, but it ends up saying BLM. And I'm like, what the fuck? That's what I give. I use the counterfeit 20 to pay for. That's what I give. All right, thank you. That's my time. Thank you. Co-Jack, ladies and gentlemen. George Floydman Grill. Look at that. Welcome, Co-Jack. How long have you been on stand-up? Four years. Once we opened, since you opened this. About three years. As soon as the mothership opened, I started. Nice. What made you want to start then? I've been watching Killtony since 2015. Amazing. How old are you? You look like you could be 20 or 65. I'm 46. Really? Wow. Look at that. Yeah, I believe it. You're doing good. How do you stay so young looking? I stay in the gym. I stay in the sauna. You stay there. Yeah. You have a 24-hour fitness membership. Yeah, I'm fit. Man, I do some things. I'll lift, you know. You just looked at Joe Rogan and said, I love. I lift. I was uncomfortable. I lift weights. Stay safe. I'll run. All right. What do you do for a living? I am the number one waiter in Austin, Texas at a fine-dining establishment. Okay. I took care of Shane. Like, what? Yeah. I was with Eget and McCann and Sam Talent, yeah. Nice. Right after it, yeah. How was I? I don't care about what was the name of the restaurant. Do you want to say? I don't fucking remember. It was good, though. You were great. I didn't know you were so fucking racist, but. I don't know. It's a bigger tip. Now, that was crazy to do that in front of all these whites. Even I didn't like that. [ Laughter ] We got to be careful out there, man. A lot of George Floyd types out there. I saw a thrill on my way in. What does that mean? Well, where are you from? Yeah. Billy! Go birds! Oh, let's go. 20 second in diamonds. It's not playing. Oh, wow. All right. No HUD. Yeah. Wow. I take back every joke I made about you. How was I? I waited on you. Was I great? You were wonderful. I remember it. You don't want to say the restaurant, 'cause you think you'll get in trouble for a George Floyd joke? Is that what I'm picking up on? Yeah, definitely. Okay, perfect. People don't go to my restaurant. [ Laughter ] Oh, wow. I don't say it now. Definitely don't say it. They're gonna fire you, bro. For those of you listening. For those of you maybe not watching and just listening to the podcast, the Kojak is black. Everybody. I know he's extremely racist towards the blacks, but I promise you, he is black. This is incredible. I just have a problem with George Floyd. What's your problem? Trying to make they say that he was my hero. I had George Floyd and fucking P. Duney to look up to us heroes. That's a bullshit. Yeah, man, I mean. [ Laughter ] You do you say what you got to say. Yeah. And I think all the educated blacks would agree. Aw, shit. Again, he's black. Where's Candacellons when you need her? [ Laughter ] Wow. Kojak, when you say you're the number one waiter in all of Austin, what do you mean by that? That means I was rated number one in all of Austin by anyone that comes in and I take care of. Okay. All right. Take you like steak? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like bone-in-flay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like bone-in at my butt? [ Laughter ] Just beat me to the punch on that. Yeah, he's sad. Yeah, he likes hot dogs. Easy-gunny. Hot dogs with that sick ass. Let's go. Oh, fuck it. [ Laughter ] Yeah, so I'll have sick hot dogs. [ Laughter ] That and juice. Yeah. We got a nice petite filet for you. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. [ Laughter ] All right, brother. Kojak, what do you do for phone when you're not doing stand-up or waiting tables? I do a lot of cooking at home. I have a -- I am always at H.E.B. Shopping, so I have a lot of H.E.B. My boyfriend is Puerto Rican, so we make a lot of -- Whoa! [ Laughter ] A racist gay black. If you have that on your bingo card. [ Laughter ] Again, if you were on prize picks, if you were on -- One prize picks, and you bet only two dollars that the first bucket pool would be a gay, black, racist against black comedian. With only a two dollar bet, you just won $3.5 billion. This is why you need to go to prize picks, use the promo cotoni and place your bets. A two dollar bet would have gotten you $3.5 billion. A black racist against blacks. Do you want to be my new best friend? No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Do you like hot dogs? We'll put those on your George Foreman grill, we'll have a hell of a night. Tell us about this Puerto Rican boyfriend. What does he do for work? He works at HB. Wow, I get that discount. Oh my god, what's he working, the bakery? He's in the meat aisle tone. What part of HB does he work at? He's a bagger. Ooh, a bagger. Look at that. That's the only time he bags, right? Raw dog, motherfucker, look, that's right. I'm 20 years of senior, so I bagged him, you know that? Wow, HB. Oh my god, how long have you been with this bag boy? Five and a half years, wow, my inlaws are moving here, it's got his mom and his grandma in the come move. Oh my goodness. And it's a little bit of an age gap, me and his mom in the same age, so that was a, that was a hill to get over. You're with a young, you've been with a young, how old are you? You're 47. 46? 46, that's even worse. It's he 15 years old, like why is he a bagger? There you go. Hey, shut up. How old is he, Kojak? Fucking mean. He just turned 25. Wow. Look at you. Oh, y'all care about gay shit, now get the fuck out of here, like y'all fucking care about gay shit all of the sudden, fuck out of here. Oh. I love it. H-E-B now, H-I-V later. Oh. How exciting. How exciting. Oh. How exciting. Oh, wow, that fucking go. Well, Kojak, fun times, you know, I like the George Floyd men joke, getting a big joke book, buddy. There you go. We're going to keep it moving along. Hey, can you come, when you come, and I'll serve you to my restaurant? I don't know what fucking, or you didn't want to say the name of the restaurant. I don't tell you. OK. The lowercase grill. The lowercase grill. Hey, let's go, dude. I don't know what you guys do. Oh, he knows. Oh, thank you. You guys are right. OK. There you go. It's all right. Kojak, everybody. There you go. Right out the back door, just like he likes it. Oh, there's the lovely Heidi, everybody. Look at her. She's going to be working hard tonight on these Bud lights. Live in the flesh, Heidi Regina.com, she's got a podcast, a bunch of shit going on. And back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Nick Tormi, everybody. Here we go. Nick. Tormi. Hey, everybody. So a little bit about me, I'm not really great at falling through on things. Like I dropped out of community college twice. I tried hanging myself, wound up with the choking fetish. Yeah, the rope broke from the ceiling, but I shot a few more right back up there. Never know when you're going to find a new hobby. Like, you think I would ever found out they're good at a park core by attempting suicide? They jump from the building, then the moment before impact, they tuck and roll. Some French guy show up, asked me, he starts playing. I think it's a much more likely someone's attempted park core and found out they're good at suicide. All right. There he is. Nick Tormi. Is your first time on the show, Nick? Yes, sir. Welcome. We'll stand up. About six years. Nice. We're at. Mostly Salt Lake. Okay. That's where you live still? No, I moved down here in August. Okay. How do you like Austin? I love it. It's awesome. What do you love about it? I like that there's no winner. I'm a big fan of that. Winter. Yeah. I'm from upstate New York, then I lived on top of a mountain in Utah in a van for four years, so. Yeah. I love it. I'm not a smart man. I love it. What do you do for work? I did work at the skier resort for a while. That doesn't exist down here. Yeah. I'm working for Amazon right now. I'm working for the devil. It's pretty fun. You're driving? Yeah. Okay. What's that like? Tell us about it. Oh, awful. Yeah. Tell us about it. What do you need about it? They have you on a camera at all times. It's like an AI camera that's tracking you the whole time. And I also threw up my back yesterday. So I was walking around like Quasimodo for most of my deliveries. Wow. The last comic blew out his back too. Yeah. So Nick. Tell us more. What are you into, buddy? Do you have any special skills or talents that might surprise us? You seem like you have a little something up your sleeve. Me and I'm engaged in my fiancee collect taxidermy. Oh, wow. Where'd you meet this bag boy out? I met her at an open mic. Huh? Oh, nice. She does comedy too. Yep. Wow. Interesting. Did she sign up tonight? She did. She's over. She's at the bar next store. She is. Uh, Coltina who that is? Holly. What is it? Holly. Holly what? Jensen. Holly Jensen. Go grab Holly Jensen. Let's see. Who the funniest person in this couple is? Always spontaneous fun here. Have a Holly Jensen. Holly Christmas. Come on, folks. How did you get into collective taxidermy? Uh, she got me into it. I got her a taxidermy. It's like a cane toad. Like the invasive species in Australia. It's like a purse. Uh. She has it with her. Uh. Talk to Holly to bring the frog. Let's see the frog. That's so crazy. My wife would stab me. No, she loved it. And we got some bats. We got some mice in a teacup. Was she doing van life with here? Did you meet her here? She lived in the van for a year. Oh, did you ever get close to the old patino? I do like national parks. Big fan of park system. Like a fight in a van would suck. Oh, it's awful. Yeah, there's not much room. Yeah. Yeah, I think I saw a documentary on Netflix about this one. Yeah. Oh, it was my joke. You dumbasses. Oh, you did? Yeah, I said her name. Oh, I missed it. Say her name. I love it. So you got bats. You got rats. What else? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What else? Oh, we got a taxidermic fox. We just got-- OK. We got a praying mantis. Uh-huh. And she found a big dragonfly in the woods that we're keeping in the freezer right now until we can-- Shit. Oh. They say there's someone for everyone. Yeah. See you guys. They use sea proof. See you guys have a place. It's here in Austin. Yeah, what does she do for work? Nothing right now. Wow. Thank you for something. OK. Yeah. All right. Do you get, like, used taxidermy, like, people that have died, that have, like, sold it? Like, so it's, like, creepier? Oh, God. She would probably love that, for sure. But, uh, now we went to a store. They had human skulls, too. It was weird and spines. Oh, ladies and gentlemen. Well, I guess they just sent her out. OK. That's one way to do it. Uh. I mean, can I see that frog? Yeah. Oh, wow. Great. He's got a little butthole. Is that real? Yeah. It looks fake. 100% real. Uh, how do you know it's real, Joe Rogan? He's an invasive species in Australia. He's a cane toad. His name's Winston. He's our son. Wow. Terrifying. Look at that. That's incredible. I think it's a, I don't see a dick on it. I don't know. It might be your daughter. Uh, Holly, you want to do the set that you were planning on doing here? That's how I would have done it instead of just sending her out randomly. I would have brought her up. Please. Ladies and gentlemen, doing 60 Seconds on Interrupt to make some noise for Holly Jensen, everybody. (audience cheering) - So I'm actually from Salt Lake City, Utah. I just moved here. And the first thing everybody always asks is if I'm Mormon, I'm not, I'm Jewish. But I did have a lot of Mormon boyfriends growing up. The cool thing about Mormon boyfriends is they have some really weird rules. Like they won't drink coffee, but they will finger a Jew. (audience laughing) I've been having a hard time getting a job out here in Austin when I was in Salt Lake. I was a stripper. Thank you so much more support of them. My parents say every day. (audience laughing) They hated the stuff that I would do at work. Like I loved showing up with googly eyes as pasties. Turns out men don't like it when the tits stir back at them. (audience laughing) She kept going wrong at the strip club. Like one day our DJ didn't show up, so we had to dance to Pandora Radio with the commercials on. So I was just twerking on some old dude, like do you struggle with osteoporosis? Thank you, that's my time. Wow. Holly Bentley. (audience cheering) Oh my God. This is one of the rare comedy couples where the woman is funnier than the man. Again, if you bet this on price picks, you just won $750,000. Oh he's taking her straight to a state park. (audience laughing) You can't have that. You cannot allow that. You have to kill her now. You have to kill her. Yeah, she's about to be-- Next to Dermy Herb, bro. Yeah. She's about to be in the freezer next to the dragonfly. (audience laughing) Holly, you're hilarious. How long have you been on standup? Eight years. Awesome. And that was all in upstate New York or Salt Lake City? Oh, Salt Lake City, Utah. And that's where you're from. Yeah. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. Why don't you work? Oh, I mean, I've been trying. I've been applying to jobs, but-- What are you good at? What do you want to do? I'm good at stripping. I love doing so. Really? I love doing both of those things. So yeah, a job in either of those things would be great. You've stripped before? Yeah. Amazing. Heidi, what do you think? Can you get her a job? You just got a job at the Yellow Rose, congratulations. Or at least an audition. This is the worst night of this guy's life. (audience laughing) What are you doing? (audience laughing) Why? (audience laughing) No, you're fired. (audience laughing) This poor guy is going to be all alone. Tomorrow night at 2.30 AM, petting a fucking dead bat. (audience laughing) He talked about he tried to kill himself. (audience laughing) Holy shit. Well, you guys fucking just did something real special here. Very entertaining. We got a small one for Nick. (audience laughing) You guys want him to get a big one? (audience cheering) All right, you guys are both getting big ones. There you go. There goes Nick Tormi and Holly Jensen, everybody. You know what, Holly? Next year, I would love to have you on a secret show. All right. Next year? (upbeat music) All right. Why'd you wear it like that? 'Cause he's anywhere? Completely fostered me. Me, yeah. No, next Thursday's Chris was a week after-- So genuine. Yeah, so genuine. Say fucking genuine. Next year. Yeah, just say the next secret show. Yeah. Hey, another heavy next decade, aren't I? (audience laughing) Jesus Christ. (laughing) You're unbelievable. Well, it's been a hell of an episode so far. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Floyd Jones, everybody. Here we go. (audience cheering) (audience clapping) So are we just gonna act like Kanye wasn't a Nazi? That's just how we're okay, perfect. I don't know if you guys heard he actually changed his name. He's Kanye Ausch West. Yeah, Kanye, which is crazy. Like he said, he was done making music, done making controversial statements. He's actually gonna open a chain of all natural grocery stores. It's gonna name a Trader Jews. I don't think it's problematic to say the least. But I like the thought of restaurants just fucking up. I think it'd be cool if Olive Garden gave abortions, you know? 'Cause then their tagline could be when you're here, you were almost family. Ah, that's. Speaking of how I'm a piece of shit at restaurants, you guys thought I was Puerto Rican, I'm black. I promise, I've got the paperwork. I'll get 23 and meet right now, even though they just sounds like a cool movie about Michael Jordan. So, but why people just need to know they're like, "I just want to make sure," like, "God." And so, I like to go to sushi restaurants 'cause the waitress is never black. And when she comes over, I go, "Hi, could I get some salmon niggery?" And she's like, "Oh, you mean niggery?" I'll talk to that. Wow. All right, that's a lot of ooze and oz during that set. Floyd Jones. Welcome, Floyd. Is this your first time on this show? Yeah, talking to grabbing that microphone, buddy. I don't know how that happened, yeah. Okay, welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing comedy, Floyd? Uh, since, like, 2021, you know? January 6th, right? Okay, if not, great. Uh, okay, Shane knows. Oh, my God, Joe Rogan. You know, yeah. You, hey, man, without you, oh, man. Look at him. All right, all right. Let's go! Let's go! Fuck. These are your heroes, Joe Rogan. Honestly, this, like, Pokemon. It's like you started totally, you initiated it, like-- Ah! The charge art himself, dude. Oh, my God. Ah, dude, what? Let's go. Where was this? Where was this? You're so funny. Dude, I wasn't ready for it. I'm sorry, yeah. Oh, people are having better interviews than sets tonight. Yeah, hey, hey, it's-- Floyd, tell us about you. What do you not do for a living? I just, uh, care, I guess, care. What do you-- no, I play music, man. I'm a dear professional musician. And a metal band, yeah. Really, you're a drummer? Yeah. Well, I mean, it's been a long time since we've done this. But for those of you that are fans of the show, you might know that if anybody that does comedy on the show, drums, we have a little thing where they get a drum solo and our house drummer gets a drum solo. And if the guest drummer is able to beat our drummer in a drum off, they become the full-time drummer of the show. So-- Like Highlanders, a drum off here. And if you beat Michael Gonzalez in the drum solo off, you become the full-time drummer on the show. And Michael has to dress like a five-year-old-- And play in a metal band. This is a Mexican drum off, ladies and gentlemen. Now, I must warn you, Floyd Jones. Michael Gonzalez all time is undefeated here on his home turf. But I'm guessing that Floyd, since he does this for a living, might have a little something-- well, we know he doesn't have anything up his sleeve because he's wearing a basketball jersey. But I'm guessing he is very talented. Let's see what happens here. This is Kilt Tony, brought to you by Netflix, January 12th. One, two, three, four. [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC] [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC] There you go. That is indeed a drum solo. That is the good one. That is a good one. I really fucking hope Michael puts it together here. I would hate to look at those flabby arms every week. Incredible amount of blatant ozemic weight loss on this guy. Wow, defending his throne, undefeated all time in Mexican drum-offs on his home turf. This is Michael Gonzalez. [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC] (upbeat music) - Yep, thank God almighty. Really tied it together there at the end. Whoo, let's see. Unfortunately, it's not up to us. It is up to the live audience here. Do we have a decibel meter? I can't remember, we have it going? All right, so here we go. Colt on the camera on the decibel meter. How many of you have Floyd Jones winning this Mexican drum off makes them noise? (audience cheering) How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? (audience cheering) Wow, thank God. I may have affected this election, wouldn't be the first time. But Floyd, you gave it a hell of a run. It was very good, good interview, good set. I guess you get to keep those drumsticks. There's a big joke book. There he goes, Floyd Jones, ladies and gentlemen. (audience cheering) There goes Floyd saying goodbye to Shane and Lord Charizard or whatever he's saying. (laughs) There's another Bud Light brought to you by Bud Light. (audience cheering) Ladies and gentlemen, this is a special time in the show's history because we have a brand new regular who has absolutely taken the show over by Storm. This is a brand new set. They get to do a little bit longer than a minute if they want. And this is the dark storm of Atlanta, ladies and gentlemen. He is here. Make some fucking noise for Patrick Flynn. (audience cheering) Yeah! Oh my God. What you know about being the only black dude at a country music festival in Kennis Art, Georgia, called Shaky Boots Festival. (audience laughing) Yeah, no, I only found that out because when I walked into the venue, dude ran up to me out of breath and he was like, "Hey, my nigga, you know you are a uniform, right?" (audience laughing) And I was like, "No, I'm here for the festival. I love Blake Sheldon. I love Kenny Chesney." And then he was like, "Nigga, stop lying. I got an extra vest in my car." And I was like, "No, I'm here for the festival." And I showed him my ID and I showed him my badge. And he looked at my ID and he looked at my badge. He looked at me and he looked at my. Tasha! You gonna wanna hear this? So Tasha came over. I met Tasha. She did the same thing. Jamal! I met everybody one by one. I met all 37 black people like I'm a black Noah's Ark. (audience laughing) They kept calling me the day walker. They said I was bleeding. (audience laughing) And it was a great country music festival, man, 'cause all the black people that I was working in the event kept giving me free drinks, but they also had re-entry. They stopped doing it. They had re-entry into the festival so we just go to the car and like, parking lot pump drink beers. (audience laughing) And the reason why we knew was time to go drink beers 'cause my best friend, Jessie, who was a redneck Filipino, but raised black and she was my best friend. Her oldest sister, Jackie had just had a kid and she would look us in the face and she would be like, "I need to get out of here. "My tips about the pop. "I gotta go pump." So we would go back to the car and she's chugging beers. We're all drinking beers and she's pumping, but she pumped more than like a red, like a white woman could never pump as much milk as it take to make a redneck Filipino that's raised black. (audience laughing) Like my nephew, Maxwell, today, he's 10 years old, he's taller than me. (audience laughing) So she's pumping a lot and I'm looking at her teddy milk and I wanted to taste some, but I ain't know how to ask. (audience laughing) And then God, God got my bag so much, he confused my friend Derek. My friend Derek saw me looking at the breast milk and he was like, "Yo, I bet you $100 you want to drink, Jackie's breast milk." (audience laughing) Nigga, I was already thinking about it. (audience laughing) She got a husband, I don't know how you ask somebody, like are y'all couple? How do you get if you had breast milk? I gotta be like, "Hey, excuse me, brother." (audience laughing) This breast milk, you ain't bringing to your kids. You got alcohol in it. Can I sit something before you pour it on the ground? (audience laughing) Before $100, I could at least buy one T-shirt while I'm inside the goddamn place. So I was like, "Hell, you let's run it." And so they brought the funnel out 'cause it was too much of a titty milk to just sip. It was too much of a sip, you got to bring the funnel out. It was like two gallons of titty milk, she was plumbing. And I chucked it all in eight seconds flat. I was doing a great job. Also, I don't know if y'all love titties as much as I do, but I research 'em. Breast milk tastes like whatever the mom is eating and drinking. So her titty milk just tastes it like Tacate and Tiquila with a little bit, it tastes like a red-neck Filipino orchata. You know what I'm saying? It tastes like a little red-neck Filipino orchata, but also if y'all study titties as much as I do, you would know that a titty milk has all the vitamin, I haven't had a hangover in 12 years, nigga. Ah, I'm doing good. That's my time. I'm going, y'all, y'all, y'all. That trick, plain. Ladies and gentlemen. Dedric, it is so fun to watch you perform. Two weeks ago, you had regular teeth. You're getting better with the grill, but there is good. There is a slight speech impediment still there. One of my favorite parts of this set is when you said, I wanted to tae thumb, but-- I didn't know how to ask. The grill is affecting those asses. It is, 'cause it is. I'm not using money, Tony. It's amazing that you're willing to make the sacrifice. Out with the asses, in with the gold teeth, still making it work plowing through it. I love it, juxtaposed. Camoed up tonight. Look at that. Oh, yeah, I got that shit on, Tony. That's the right, that shit on. That shit on, you know what I'm talking about. No, you don't, yo, you still disguised in that forehead. That shit is biggest hill. Yeah, that shit swooped over, but it still got down plasma screen TV. That's good, man. It's a good look. Don't let anyone talk to you. Take your head off, Sam. Fuck you, dude. [LAUGHTER] Don't-- look. David Lucas is good at it. We already have one, David. Don't do that. Hey, my pocket's fat enough, but not me. You know what I mean, David Lucas. David's a-- David Lucas is also wearing a grill right now. It's a green egg. OK. Is that right, green egg? It wasn't the reference that threw it off. Tender news, look. My delivery's a little bit floppy tonight. I'll take 'em out. No, it's not what I will talk to you. I was good to see y'all. OK, yeah. I'll get you more teeth if you kill David Lucas. How'd you guys think I was serious? Dead Trip. Oh, key, doke. All right. Dead Trick, how's life been going? Man, I'm doing good. I got damn torn like a motherfucker. We just left Lincoln, California together. Yeah, I took Dead Trick on our first road gig together. That was fun. That was fun as a motherfucker. I ain't never been on a private jet, nigga. I was so used to getting packed down. They just walked down and it's like, would you like a coffee? And I was like, am I an interrogation? I'm ready to snitch on you. I don't know what you did. It was a fun trip, we-- especially the ride back in. Yeah, that was so mean. Man, man. Yeah, it was a blast. It was actually a-- Yeah. [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] Very good, Red Band. Yes, we banged, Red Band. It was fucking disgusting. I like where he's gone. Yeah, of course. Dude, dude, dude, what? You did lose. Yeah. That offense. That's why his new list actually comes from. Not to see it. All right. Oh, sorry. Yeah. Dead Trick, Dead Trick, Dead Trick. [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] You guys have seen Dead Trick, the dark storm of Atlanta. What are our thoughts, Joe Rogan, other than-- Oh, Jacket and his hat. What do you like about him? Oh, he's just got a completely new style. It's like your own thing. It's great. I love it. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. I've seen you for a bunch of times, counting as fun. Fun. Get rid of the grill, though. It's ridiculous. He came and thought, you know, you got money. Either get real gold teeth or stop fucking around. OK, those aren't even fake tits. I like the rubber ones you stuff in your bra. Just get a goddamn operation and commit to a look. -This fucking guy. -That's so crazy. -That's so crazy. 'Cause that's a real-- -Oh, there you go. That's what I like. -Hey, Joe. -Like, commitment. -Uh, you can affect how much I get paid every week. [ Laughter ] -You got enough. Give me the real goal, Steve. Nick, I go get 'em. I don't give a fuck. I got this to prove to my neighborhood that I was doing good. But, Nick, if you Joe Rogan, Joe, you know Joe Rogan. [ Laughter ] You know Joe Rogan. Name one thing about me. All right. All right. So you had a power to change my whole life, Joe Rogan. -You could put those on like a rope and just wear 'em around your neck and everybody would know you have money and they would be able to hear you pronounce your S's correctly. -Yeah, I'm gonna tell you right now, Tony, I'm from the South. We ain't pronounce no S or T's the whole time I've been talking. But sometimes they don't understand me on the internet. So I could talk how I want to. -I agree. -I got slid. -Freedom of -- Freedom of -- freedom of speech. Dedric, you've done it again. We love you. Freak of nature. The dark storm of Atlanta has graced us with his presence. On and on we go. Back to the bucket. This person has to follow Dedric. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for what appears to be a new name. Tyler Cole, everybody. Here comes Tyler Cole. ♪♪ -Do y'all think Indians do that head bob thing when they're sucking dick? Oh, my God. This is so big. Uh. [ Laughter ] Did y'all hear Joe Biden woke up today? -Yeah, so six more weeks of recession. That's what that means. So I went on a first date the other day. I told the girl I was a comic and she said, "No way. I'd love to see you perform some time." And I said, "Well, we should probably have sex first, so you can appreciate just how long five minutes really is." It's a long time, I swear. Do we have any fans of Jersey Shore in here? Yeah. Someone told me the other day I looked like a cast member on the upcoming spin-off Gaza Shore. [ Laughter ] It's just five Jews and five Palestinians arguing for an hour. This bedroom was promised to me. Someone also told me I looked like the situation in the Middle East. [ Laughter ] And then they said it looks like my forehead could bench press 225 pounds. That was really rude. I've been Tyler Cole. Thank you guys. Tyler Cole! Making fun of himself throughout. On the stuff, Tyler, welcome. Is this your first time on the show? It is. Welcome, welcome. Four months now. That chain's kind of tight, huh? A little bit, yeah. [ Laughter ] Are you -- Are you -- Are you a -- Are you a pit bull? What is going on? What exactly is happening over there? Is that the size that you wanted to be? I got the size wrong. Yeah, why would you wear it? [ Laughter ] Did you ever wear it? Did you just wrap Dedric's grill around your neck? It's like an auto-erotic fixation thing, you know? Something, yeah. I guess. You're trying to look cool, right? You got me. But once you put it on, where are you like, "No." [ Laughter ] I was like, "Fuck it, I spent 50 bucks." [ Laughter ] How much did you spend on that? Uh, 50 bucks, he was right. Wow! Ladies and gentlemen, Shane Gillis. No, you don't think I've run into a tight chain? [ Laughter ] I've got to take that thing off, too. [ Laughter ] Where'd you get it, like, hot topic or something? Well, what is -- I didn't need to get it at a hot topic, yes. Did you really? No, I forget. I don't know. You forget where you got the chain that squeezes your neck all day? It's because it's so tight, I forgot. You get it when you're in fifth grade. [ Laughter ] I just grew into it like one of those fucking African ladies. [ Laughter ] The fucking neck thing. [ Cheers and applause ] What part of New Jersey are you from, exactly, Tyler? His head's gonna fall off of me. Takes it off. [ Laughter ] I'm from Austin, Tony. Born and raised in Austin. Born and raised. Wow, with a pinky ring and a choker. Yep. Lean it into it. Amazing. What ethnicity are you? Uh, white? Regular white. Yeah. Cold. Not Italian. It's the buttered noodle. Wow. Not Italian. No, not at all. It's not. You're not Italian. Pinky ring and an necklace. Caba ghoul shirt. How does this happen? Explain to us how this happened. What exactly -- how did you end up trying to be Italian? [ Laughter ] It's the chain. It's the chain. He bought the chain and it took over. He's a wago. It's cursed. He's a wago. It's cursed. Instead of a dago, he's a wago. You are a wago. He's a white dago. He's a wago. Just a big soprano's fan. Well, so am I. You don't see me not getting blood to my brain because of it. Tyler, what do you do for work? Uh, I sell houses. Do you really? I do really. Time shares? No houses. Regular houses. Regular houses. Are you good at it? Pretty good, yeah. Okay, you see the fucking drip? [ Laughter ] Yeah, I say he's doing all right. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] When's the last time you exactly that you sold a house? When you closed on a house? When was it? It was in October, but I have a closing coming up tomorrow. Okay, what are you closing on tomorrow? Just a 2,000 square foot house in South Austin. Okay. So what'd you sell it for? How much? 380,000. Wow. [ Laughter ] Look at it. Hell yeah, I did. Might be able to add a few links to that necklace. All right, your boy. I love it. Okay. Four months. Four months. One month. Okay. Okay. Four months. Four months. Four months. Four months. What made you want to start four months ago? Killed Tony. How are you? 31. 31. And you've just been watching the show and you're like, I could do that. Yeah. Okay. It's been hidden up in mics and getting booked by local promoters. I love it. Yeah. You're taking it seriously and you seem to be doing good at it. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up and selling houses and pretending to be Italian? [ Laughter ] I like to shoot clays. And when it's warm out, wake boarding, paddle boarding. Yeah. When you shoot clays, do you get the gun out of the bathroom first? [ Laughter ] Yes. It's a godfather. Godfather reference. Godfather jokes. Godfather jokes. [ Laughter ] I love it. You shoot clays. What else did you say? Uh, lake sports. Lake sports. Like what? What exactly? Wakeboarding, wake surfing. Wow. Amazing. Amazing, Tyler. What's your love life like? You have a little chicken parmesan or something. [ Laughter ] Single currently. Single. When's the last time you had a girlfriend? A few years ago. Okay. It's been a while. My fun. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] Why are you fake Italian? Who the fuck wants to be Italian? Hey, what the fuck? Hey, take it easy. You do whops, dude. You fucking. You're in a giddy sandwich right now. Yeah. [ Laughter ] Oh, my God. Just a crazy race to appropriate. What the fuck-- Hey, if I just started acting like Polish. What the fuck? I don't know. I like being Polish. What the fuck? Who compares the Italians to the-- No, I'll see you two in the wire. Now I'm a Polo. [ Laughter ] I'm like, what the fuck? You're not Polish? No. I do look pretty fucking Polish, yeah. [ Laughter ] Pretty glaringly Irish. But whatever. Yeah. You don't see me wearing shirts about it. [ Laughter ] So this relationship that ended a few years ago, how did it end? Uh, found out she was married. Wow. Okay. I love this. My God, am I good at these little interviews? More. How did you find out? Exactly. How did you find out that she was married? How long were you hookin' up with her? Give us a ballpark here. Well, it was like nine months in that she told me she-- Nine months in and she just told you. Yeah. When we first started dating, she said that-- You weren't dating. You were fucking and hanging out sometimes. She was married. Go ahead. When we first started fucking, she said she was divorced. Uh, and then nine months later, she was like, oops, actually, I'm not divorced. Okay. Where were you exactly when she told you this? Were you at a, uh, best buy, perhaps? No. We were, uh, bartending together at a club on Sixth Street and she told me while I was at work. Wow. Wow. Amazing. And that was that. Yeah. She must have been fun. Yeah. Yeah. He's very serious. Can you give us an example of the favorite-- Where is he? Bitch doesn't tell you she's married for nine months. Yeah. Working alongside you and fucking you. And let's go to dinner. Fucking maniac. I bet she was so much fun. Can you give us an example of a fun sexual experience that you had with her? You guys ever bang at the bar or in the car outside? We did in fact bang at the bar. Yeah. You banged at the bar? Yeah. The bomb, the bomb. Look, it banged at the bar, the banged at the bar. [LAUGHTER] Take us through this. How do you bang at the bar? Ta-ba-da-ba. [INAUDIBLE] Just various locations, you know? This is you guys closing? Yeah, we already closed like an hour ago. Yeah. And she grabbed you by your chain and said, come over here. [LAUGHTER] That's what it sounded like. That's Tom Sagar after breaking his arm. [LAUGHTER] It was the accident. It's the accident. It was on my podcast today. So let me ask you this. Yeah, rules, sir. Because you're at the bar, right? You're serving beverages. But you're with a married woman. So where are you finishing? You have to-- Is it inside or are you pulling out? That's a really good question. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. [LAUGHTER] Every answer is bad. Let's go. There we go. She was on birth control, so-- Oh, wow. Oh, my-- Oh, cream pie. Yeah. If you don't get the initial delivery of daddy-- It's a fake canole. It's not actually a cream pie. It's a vegan canole. [LAUGHTER] [INAUDIBLE] This is a poor guy. A poor guy eating her out later. Yeah, I'm sorry for the boring. How is your life? Faulty. Yeah, Italian? Yeah. Tastes like-- Why did you taste like dairy-free Alfredo? Wow. My god. Mountain House meal. That's an evil world. Evil world. Wife's pie'd by a wop at the bar. That's the husband about you? Did the husband ever find out? This is the billion dollar question. I mean, they were separated, so they didn't live together. They weren't reminded. How the fuck do you know? I went to her house a few times. Whoa. Together. Did they have kids? No, no kids. No kids. But they got back together. She told you and you haven't banged since. They did not get back together. They didn't get back together, but she was still married. OK. Well, that's interesting. Yeah, that's a whole different-- Got a happy ending. So then why would you-- Why would-- [LAUGHTER] So I don't really get it. She tells you that-- She's fun, Tony. You'll just let a girl have fun. Yeah, Tony. But why do you want to stop out all the crazy people on this world to make everything fucking boring? No, I just don't understand. I don't fuck the guy at work. I actually yelled at you to come and say, I have no more questions. You're honored. Did you yell? Tell us. What? Tell me, there's no point in there. I need to hear shit like that. Come on, Python. Please call you. What was her nickname for you? There was no nickname. Yeah, there was. It was my mom. Oh, the fuck out of here. The fuck out of here, this guy. What was the name of the bar that you guys were banging on? Oh, don't do it, Tony. Don't ruin everyone's life. Yeah, I really know. It's rather evil. Tyler, the set was for four months, pretty, pretty good. The interview, unfuckin' believable. Here's a big joke book. There you go, my friend. Tyler Cole, the hell of a catch. Hell of an interview. Very honest. Remember, you future Killtony bucket pulls. We love an honest interview. Some people get scared. All right, this looks like a new name. This looks like a fun name. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together. Or Diamond Debbie, everybody. Here comes Diamond Debbie. Oh, my God. Let's fucking go. Guys, you got to do better than that. Make some noise for Diamond Debbie, ladies and gentlemen. Old blue hair ladies, we know things. By this age, I know, and I had too much to drink. I like you, youngins, because diapers leak y'all. I was a single mom with the only child, and I highly don't recommend that to any youngins either. If only I'd had a litter, surely one of them would have failed it life. And wanted to stay home and take care of me. Hey, and what's all this about the T-word? We had that T-word back in the '60s, y'all. Tom Boy, most of us crewed out of it. The rest became y'all's GM teachers. Well, I was looking for love in all the wrong places during the pandemic. I mean, the nursing homes. But, you know, the competition's pretty stiff. They're women out, live men. And there's a lot of Debbie's in there, I'm telling. But by now, even the guys with dementia, after four or five times, they gotta figure it out. I'm not Debbie with the pop out plate. Nah, not me. They can see me coming. They just call me, oh, Bluetooth. Well, that's it. (audience laughing) When life beats you up and you gotta start over like, I'm always having to do. I just say Jesus, take my joystick, I'm coming home. Thank you. Wow, time in Debbie. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Oh, my goodness. This is your first time on the show. I would remember you. Well, you know, you walk by me a few times in my chair, but, you know, I'm, you know, crotch level. Okay. Yeah, yeah, so I get overlooked a lot. This is my 11th sign up. No fucking way. I have been, I have been first in line, at least 90% of those times. And Tony, you've gotta do some exercise. Your wrist never goes to the bottom of the bucket. You'd be surprised. (audience laughing) Be surprised. Diamond Debbie, how many centuries have you been doing stand-up comedy? (audience laughing) Yeah, Diamond, how come you didn't let Jack on that fucking door? That was-- (audience laughing) Titanic joke. (audience laughing) That big deal. Rocky money. She's, she's either the girl from Titanic or the rock that she threw in the bottom of the ocean. I can't tell exactly. I am a heavyweight. Oh, Demandis is making his move right now, ladies and gentlemen. You know, Dean, I had an agreement. Seek his, I grew up playing bass guitar, but I didn't have one at home to practice someone. So he plays by ear and I only sight read, so it wouldn't be fair. (laughing) Fuck yeah, Diamond Debbie. (audience laughing) But seriously, how long have you been on stand-up? 111 sign ups, but-- Okay, I started in seven years ago and right the same month that I started it, I got run over. I got my wheelchair is crashed test approved by the T-O-D-O-T, a Tesla in me. It was going 45 miles an hour. Yeah, if I'm fucking-- If the, if the-- (audience laughing) If Elon Musk had been driving, I'd be okay, but the dentist was driving. And I've never heard of a Tesla hit in a trash can. Hold on a second. You were in your wheelchair and you got hit by a Tesla? Going 45 miles an hour crossing the street in my neighborhood. And that Tesla got messed up on it. My, my chair was, my chair was laying on the ground and I was standing up at the end of the road. Well, fuck me doing out the road. Well, you know, that's someone to talk about. Yeah, you know, it's odd, but we do have the right to go outside. (audience laughing) Wow, Diamond Debi. This is incredible. It's only 25 years old. That's why she looks like that. Yeah. (laughing) No, honey, I got socks all in you. (laughing) Damn, right. And red bands like 55. So that's crazy. How old are you, Diamond Debi? I'm 67 years old and on 111, and this is my 11th son up, I'll be 68. Wow, look at that. 111, you're 68, 112. The new Netflix special, Killtony. Once upon a time in Texas streaming live on Netflix. Give something to do the day after your birthday. How exciting is that? That's good. If you make it there. (audience laughing) Well, I think my daughter's phone number is in your phone, so. Uh-oh! But she hasn't talked to me in nine years. Okay. Yeah. Okay, little Debbie. (audience laughing) Very exciting. Can we get a phone up, Locker? (laughing) Very exciting, Diamond Debi. Damn, she couldn't even hear that Tesla coming, huh? (laughing) That must have, it just came out of fucking nowhere. Or did you see it? You're like, oh. (laughing) She's a burlesque performer, and she's very, very famous. Oh, yeah. Your daughter is a famous but less famous. Oh, well, let me go, Tony. Yeah, she is. Really trying to hook me up with her daughter. No, no, no. cubic zirconium, Debbie. (audience laughing) No. Okay, Debbie, let's talk about it. What the fuck have you been doing the last 67 years? Well, my favorite thing is see, I grew up in a day when women couldn't get car loans or buy houses. So I went to loud to take auto mechanics or shop. So my favorite hobby right now is taking in the quantum wheelchair like I have, and fixing them up, and giving them to people and helping them learn how to drive and go outside. [BLANK_AUDIO] You know, we've been locked up too long in the pandemic and without home health care, you can go get your own groceries, it's fun. -Wow. -Yeah. -Okay. -Wait. -I get around, I got six and a half miles an hour in the e-bike lane. -Wait, you got hit on the road where you fucking flyin'. -Yeah. -Like going somewhere, where you don't like fucking mo-packed. -Well, you don't cross the street slowly in Austin. -Oh, you were crossing the street. -Yeah. -Well, I'm sorry. I thought the way you were talking, you were like going to like the grocery store to just fucking flyin'. -No. -I'm sorry. I thought you were juicing those things up. -No, they do fly. -Like the water bulls track. -They're not here yet. -Oh, sorry. You guys don't like it. -Diamond Debbie, what made you want to start stand-up comedy? -Well, it's funny. I was doing toastmasters and I liked to give hour-long speeches and the guy that-- -Hold on, hold on, stop, stop, stop, stop. What's toastmasters? -It's an organization to help you learn how to give speeches professionally. -Okay. -And so I signed up with them 'cause it was online in a-- but the friend told me that he could talk for an hour and all anybody remembers these a couple of jokes. So I'm like, wow, I tell jokes instead. So that's why I do it. -Wow, look at you. You're such a little charming lady. Where are you from? -Ocle and my home is my home. -Okay. -I have an Oklahoma, yeah. -All right, and you drove your wheelchair all the way here. -Yeah. -Yeah. -Bro, you're going to hell. -Because of this? -Actually. -You think-- Dude, if I go up to the gates-- -Yeah, he's-- -If I go up to the gates and they're just like, "You remember this, like, it's fucking Diamond Debbie. I'm gonna be pissed." -All this shit-- -Oh, that's a straw. -Where'd you get your name, Diamond Debbie, where you're, like, a stripper at the Black and White Rose or something, or? -No. -Great question, Red Band. -That was a solid joke. -Black and White Rose, that's a solid joke. -Oh, I get it. I get it now. I'm so used to jokes not making you happy with what I've got. -I like this. -That's the Jammu hate ride, don't you? -I don't-- [ Laughter ] -What-- how did you get the name Diamond Debbie? -Well, a Diamond lasts forever, and you clearly won't. -I've got it. -Oh, my God. -We all die. What's going on? We all die. She's got a sense of humor. The bitch has signed up 111 times if anybody can take a joke, it's her, not you fucking pussy. [ Laughter ] -So I started writing my second book, which is "Debita's Austin by Wheelchair," and the star of it was "Debita's Austin by Wheelchair." So I'm Diamond Debbie. -Wow. -Wait, so you wrote a book about-- -I'm writing a book called "Debita's Austin by Wheelchair." -When's the Tesla chapter? [ Laughter ] -The triple X chapter? -Is the next chapter? -Well, I'm waiting for my happy ending. -I haven't had a date. -It's okay to do-- Debbie doesn't do Austin. [ Laughter ] -I haven't had a date since I had my last pelvic floor. -Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. -Hold on. Hold on. Time out. Time out again. You haven't had a date since when? -I had my pelvic floor vault. -Pelvic floor vault. -Vault. What does that mean? -What does that mean? -The ladder comes out and they put it back in. [ Laughter ] -Okay. [ Laughter ] -Don't laugh like that, Diamond. Diamond, don't look at me and laugh like that. It makes me laugh. I can't conduct my interview with you laughing like that. You're the cutest gremlin I've ever seen in my life. -It'll come out. -Yeah. -So, I haven't had a date since, yeah. I haven't had a date since I moved to Austin 11 years ago. I tried to date this one guy, but he thought he was above me because he's in a role later. -He's in a what? -A role later. That's Walker with Wheels on it. -Oh, okay. Have you kissed a boy since moving to Austin? -No. -Well, well, well. Do you know what that means, everybody? We have another famous second on the show. No, it's not even. No, not me. Don't do it, D. Is there a guy out there that wants to be a legend and give Diamond Debbie your first kiss? This guy right here. Come on. Look at this fucking stud. -Look at him. -Watch out for the camera right next to you. -That's okay. -No, no. Sit back down, you creep. -That's our guy! -No, he's coming right here. Look at this fucking guy. Oh, she's pissed. Oh, his girlfriend is not happy about this. Which makes it all that much better. Diamond Debbie is about to get her first Austin kiss. Here you go, Diamond Debbie. Wait, she could sit. It's a miracle. Wait. Oh, my -- Oh, my -- [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] This is Kiltowni. It's good. It's all right. It's crying. No, it is -- Oh, it's funny. That was actually touching. It was very nice. It was. Diamond Debbie, how do you feel after your first Austin kiss? I'm breathless. I love it. I love it. And that was before the kiss. That's incredible. Well, you know what's for -- There's no guys in my age awake this late at night, you know, with the big heart beat. Well, you might be surprised. Where's Joe White? Is Joe White out here? She's three years younger than Ron White. Wow. But he's taken, you tell him. And you know what? I make brownies, happy brownies. And they're campus and special. But I've taken them up to every white guy. And not one of them will take candy for a stranger. Like -- When you say the brownies are the Cam Patterson special, what exactly do you mean by that? They're peanut butter dark chocolate fudge meant with walnuts. Wow. Damn. They're weed in them? They have my medical prescription in them. Oh, my God. When I started doing comedy on Monday nights, when I came down here two years ago, it's the same night as my food pantry. And I got down to 80 pounds. Wow. And I thought I had an eating disorder, but you know, it's just Kill Tony. [ Laughter ] Diamond Debbie. [ Laughter ] I'm getting a word that there's another boy that wants to kiss you. You want to kiss another boy, Debbie? Wow. All right, let's send out another one. I'm getting a word that there's one guy. I want times you to make this poor lady stand up, Tony. There's one more. Oh, my God. [ Cheers and applause ] What is this? You say brownie three times stedric puff. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I just got so hard. Was that a first? Oh. I didn't think. Well, that was that first time with the black guy? Not my first kiss. No, she -- [ Laughter ] She was with George Washington Carver back. [ Laughter ] You have to discover the peanut. It's why she can't walk so good. Yeah. She's just nice. She was a marathon runner before her first black guy. I can walk when I started, but it takes so long to get up here. I learned to walk again. There's videos of me jogging now. I love it. I love it. I'm getting a word that the dead jerk just caught polio, everybody. [ Laughter ] Absolutely incredible. [ Laughter ] Diamond Debbie, you are an instant legend. I have somehow have run out of big joke books. Do we have more in the back? Great. They're going to hand you one in the back and Diamond Debbie. You know, let's just fucking -- let's just have you sign up again sometime. But why don't we just like time it out so that you don't have to wait out there with all these fucking -- The worst part was waiting in the alley when it got close. So call the couple of weeks ago. Oh, my God. Nobody can hear me trying to get -- I feel terrible. I feel terrible. I can't -- I feel terrible, dude. I'm going up there for an hour. I told you you're going to hell-toning. Let me in. I just -- Start considering these people, dude. They really want to be a part of the show, and you treat them like garbage. [ Laughter ] Let's get some warmers out there, some kind of heater. Oh, hey, Heidi. Well, there's one with the Virgin Mary on it. You probably went to high school with her. So I'll give you that one. Thank you. Make some goddamn noise. How long can this place get for Diamond Depp? We have all different shapes and sizes of signups here tonight. And I fucking love it. 111 signups, and she finally got on tonight. That's absolutely insane. Defies the odds of the bucket. But it goes to show the bucket's real. Or else I would have pulled Diamond Deppie out a long ago. She can use cursive either. She has good hand right. All right. You guys still having fun out there? [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, my God. She forgot her cane, everybody. Kiss number three, coming up, Shane Gillis, ladies and gentlemen. Let's go. [ Laughter ] Did you kiss her? All right. This next bucket poll is from the inside, everybody. Make some noise for Kelly Quinn, who are the hell's Kelly Quinn at. Oh, they got her already. Great. [ Cheers and applause ] I lost my job, my husband suggested volunteering, but I feel like I've given enough back to society. I'm married to Redhead. I used to be a radio DJ and not to brag, but I got loads of handwritten fan mail all from jail. Prisoners must not have access to high quality paper, the pages were always stuck together. I passionate fans. There's one inmate who had a clearly expressed crush on me. My husband asked me why I was saving all his letters, evidence. My husband's retired Air Force. The hardest job I ever had was being a military spouse. It's just all day, every day, banging out your partner's PTSD. And does the military recognize us? No, and how could we after being that long and that hard? I'm Kelly Quinn reminding you to be a patriot and service those who service our country. (audience cheering and applauding) - Wow, Kelly Quinn, one of the more serious sets of the night. Kelly, welcome to the show, Kelly. This is your first time on, correct? - I was on about a year and a half ago. - Oh, okay, I don't remember you with the new hat. They didn't know they made hats in uncircumcised penis. (audience laughing) - I've been married 27 years. I've actually never seen an uncircumcised penis. So if this is what it is, it's pretty hot. - It is literally, it's been voted. I'm getting word. It is the worst hat of all time. - Yeah. - That's what the world is saying, right? - Pattington bomb. (audience laughing) - Come on, folks. - Pick up. - Instead of the bear. - Bear, get it. - Could've been pattington bear, who has that hat? - Shh. (audience laughing) - Where's Diamond Day? (laughing) - You're gonna fall. - Kelly, we're on a year and a half ago. How long have you been doing stand-up? - Three years. - Three years, all of it here in Austin? - I am actually, I live in DFW. - DFW. - Oh, yeah. Okay, what do you do for work? - So, I own a small business. And so, when I lost my job in radio, I just switched full throttle to that. - And so the question remains, what do you do for work? - I own a website called christmascockpit.com. I run it off a Shopify. - Oh, we love Shopify. We absolutely love Shopify. In fact, you can go to Shopify and start your own business. Not a lot of people know this, but Mattel and Jim Shark and a lot of other companies all started with Shopify, ladies and gentlemen. And on Shopify, you can. - Do you have that hat at the men's march? (laughing) Remember the pussy hats? The women's march? I would be the hat you'd wear at the men's march. - They wear those people, God damn. - Dude, this I'm spinning our gold. - It is incredible. You did it and anyone can do it. Create email and social campaigns that reach customers wherever they scroll. Shopify grows with you. - I love Shopify. - That's right. Shopify.com/kiltony. That's Shopify.com/kiltony. Shopify.com/kiltony. This year, Shopify will be by your side. Okay, Kelly Quinn, tell us the craziest thing about your life. - I've lived in four countries. - What were the four countries? - Japan, America, England and Italy. - Okay, which one do you like the most? - America. - There you go. How long were you in Italy for? - Three years. - Three years. And yet you don't have a pinky ring, a necklace, or a goblet gold t-shirt. (laughing) Absolutely incredible. (laughing) Where in Italy did you live? - Amelia Romano. - In Farrah. - Oh, okay. - See, seniorita. - Very good. Kelly, you really have a red-headed husband? - No, when I married him, he was red-headed, but as a Christian woman, I believed I could pray it away and I did. - Just for me? - What happened? - No, his hair just got dark. He just turned into a brunette. - What does he do for work? - He's a pilot. - Okay. - All right, what exactly is Christmascockpit.com? - So I make stockings like out of crown royal bags. - Okay, so they're purple stockings? - Some of them are. I did make special kiltony versions that I brought for you in Red Band and-- - Nice. - That was like a month ago. Apparently, they didn't make it to you. Oh, we do have those. - We have those, yeah. - Yeah, no, we have them. - But you guys got them? - Hanging by the chimney with hair. (laughing) - You guys got them, both of you got them? - Yeah, totally. (laughing) - Oh, my God. - Isn't that crazy? They just threw those out. Those nice gifts you gave them? - No, we have them. We really do. - We do. We took photos the other day and shared them with our families. - Yes, absolutely. They are hung by the chimney with care that hopes that St. Nicholas will soon be there. Kelly, have you ever thought about making yourself a better hat? - My husband picked this out for me, so. - Okay. - We can tell. He definitely doesn't want you banging other dudes. It's very exciting. That hat is an instant boner, killer. From now on, if I'm ever gonna finish with a girl too fast, I'm gonna picture that hat. Just be like, "Oh, I'm gonna last forever." That hat makes me want to not come. All right, I didn't get the laugh I thought it would, but I thought that was funny. - It was funny, it was just picture hat. Some people picture their grandma. I will picture that hat. Kelly Quinn, you gave us a little stocking. You're leaving here with a little jokebook. Congratulations, Mary Christmas. - I spiked it on Joe Rogan. - Wow. How dare you hit a book at Lord Charizard like that? All right, back to the bucket we go. God damn mother fucking right. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? - This looks like an interesting name. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. - Tadpole triplet. - Everybody. - Tadpole triplet. Oh, boy. Here we go. Make some noise for Tadpole triplet, everybody. Here we go. The clock has begun. - Gever, walk into a room. - And not be the craziest motherfucker in there. What the fuck is that like? I appreciate y'all giving me a little time out of your day. They don't let me out much. I need this shit, y'all. I've been in a really, really dark place lately. I'm about to pay the electric bill. So the future is bright. But in Teller Hunter, what jokes up here? No, I am not Ted Kaczynski Jr. Y'all are insensitive. Ladies, sliding in my DM. Talk about Tadpole, why don't you shave? Look at Tadpole, so handsome, why don't you shave? Because y'all, if I shave, I look like I majored in lacrosse and fraternities. Right, a little rapey. We don't want that. So instead, this is what y'all get. Look like a homeless MMA fighter. Fucking Connor McBagger. Tadpole triplet has arrived. Welcome to the show, Tadpole. Who the fuck is this guy? Still tagging the Connor McBagger joke I see. Set has ended. Welcome, Tadpole triplet. Sir, first time on the show. Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up? 39 years. Really? Yes, sir. You've been performing on stage for 39 years. Yes. How old are you? 49. I'll be 49. So you started stand up comedy when you were 10 years old? I did my first type five in a second grade talent show. Are you serious? I swear to God. Wow. OK. OK. Well, you were 10 in second grade. Both of. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, that checked out, Tadpole. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. Wow. Tadpole triplet. Staring at Joe Rogan like he is the liver king's angry son. Oh, no, it was not. I see a resemblance. One could say he's the liver prince, if you will. So, Tadpole, let's talk about it. You've been doing stand up comedy for 39 years. What else have you been doing? You look like, perhaps, some time in Vietnam or something? [LAUGHTER] Thank you. I appreciate it. I spent 20 years in Hollywood trying to be cute. What were you doing in Hollywood? Mostly a writer. OK. Did you write anything that we might recognize? Perhaps some graffiti on a wall or something? Fuck it. The I-5 underpass. me. Okay. But what else, anything creative? My biggest success was the tonight show, Jay Leno. You wrote it? Okay, second grade. I explained to what you wrote for. You were a staff writer on the tonight show. I was staff and I wrote for the tonight show. I was assistant segment producer, but the guy I worked for had a lung transplant. I spent six months just in the writer's room trying to learn how to write a joke. You were in the studio in Burbank, California. In Burbank, California. Wow. How long did it go? It was that full of art. It was 25 years ago. Bill Clinton was the president. Wow. Fuck him. Botox. You want Botox? This is an incredible 74. Now, tabpole, you came out with a stool. Explain to us why you have a stool. I hit by a drunk driver and broke my neck and this is physical. It wasn't a Tesla, was it? We're going to stop this motherfucker. Oh, my God. You have an actual neck brace there. I took off the neck brace to perform. You have an actual broken neck. Yes. Wow. I'm going to try and tough it out and now put it on and look like a sissy. You want a joke like a Rogan where you tap out? I'm going to tap out? No. Put that thing on before you die. Yeah. Also for real neck braces, the funniest thing you can wear. It really is literally funny. I wear it about 50 percent of the time but I was doing a minute and I want to give a look. I feel like I want to put an old funny. No, on stage would be very funny. For real. Yeah. I swear to God, a neck brace is literally the funny thing. Before my minute to say hi world. No, toss that fucking thing on, dude. I swear. How many you want him to put on the neck brace? Let's see. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Kilttoni's history. It's the first time we've ever seen a man put on a neck brace with a broken neck after performing. Wow. This is incredible. So, Tadpole, tell us, how did life change? It's got to get the beard out of there. Tadpole. I want a spa, bro. Explain to us what it's like having a broken neck. You curl up in a bar like a crybaby for half the day and then, and then you decide if you want to be a tough guy and do a little bit of something. Right. And that was that day or every day? Pretty much every day for the last 12, 14 second grade, whenever you got hit by a Tesla 12 years ago? No, no, that's all his idea. I got hit by it. Dude, that's Ryder's room shit. Yeah, that was actually a shame saying I got hit by a Tesla. He threw a joke. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, wait, you got hit and fucking went. Yeah, I got hit by a drunk Russian diplomat's daughter of Bill Clinton, Russian diplomat's daughter. Okay, hold on. When was this? 96. 96. Did you get money from this? I had to sue my grandfather's insurance to pay for my surgeries. Why is that funny? Holy crap. The great mystery. Yeah. I put all this effort into telling a joke and you laughed at my drama. Holy Christ. They gave you surgeries and you're still braced up. What else did you do? I wrote a book about my recovery, not about what happened because I'm not ready for that. Everybody's got a fucking book. I don't even have a book. I just made it up. So you perpetually have to wear that brace since you were a kid? No, I was almost 19. This guy's okay. So you're almost 19. You broke your neck then. You're 46. You still wear a brace every day? Um, about 50. If I don't have something I can lean on, I didn't wear it tonight. Right. But if I can, I sit on a stool when I try to do standup, what is the injury? I'm fused front and back. See three for C7. All the way down. The whole shit's titanium. Oh, wow. Yo, that's kind of. I got to go up and down, but I don't want to because it's around my brainstem and I got a little bit of smarts left and I don't want to just strangle it out by titanium. I will say though, you have the coolest fucking neck brace I've ever seen. Thank you. Most of them suck. That one's actually like a bottom of a like a stormtrooper mask. Like, like fucking cool. Mix it. This is my dunk contest moment. Hold on. Let me get it out. Yeah. What's that do? I like traction. It works like a traction machine, but I can't talk with it because it locks my jaw. So how you doing? It was up. It was up. Your story is absolutely incredible. Do you ever sit on a part bench and talk about how life's like a box of chocolates? I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do. It's something that I've never done before with anybody in the history of the show, but I'm going to pick up the tab on this. I want to see if the great people over at Waze To Well can possibly zip something into you that might be able to help you or give you some type of relief. We are friends with the great people at Waze To Well. They provide unbelievable miracle-like health care to people. And we're going to see what happens. Probably not much since your next been broken as fuck for like 30 years, but they said I'd never walk. Now I can sprint and jump for like 90 seconds. Don't do that. Yeah, definitely. Don't stop doing that right now. I listened to them and I sat in a bed for a decade. Now I get up every day. Yes. Don't break your neck again. Motherfucker. I'd be in a cage right now if I wanted that. I get a little tasted at again, but I'm not there at all. Not that. I can't believe it. You are that retarded. Just because my mother drove the short bus. Hold on a second. That pulled the do you point at me and withhold from saying it? Because it's old. That's very, very funny. I was giving you credit for it really great. I would never do such a thing. All right. You won't funny. Yeah. Hell yeah. You got some merch. I got some merch. What? I see a tadpole on your fucking shirt. This is my Brent's breast cancer charity Habitat Pole for Humanity. You have a. What? Habitat Pole. Oh, it's for Humanity. I get it. For Human Ditty. Humanity. For Human Ditty. Yeah. That's right. Habitat Pole. Habitat Pole. You're a wild boy, tadpole. Oh, thank you. You live here in Austin now? No, I'm about 300 miles away. Okay. Where are you? Up near the Oklahoma border, Alverde, Decatur area. Okay. On the way to Wichita Falls. I'm not really there, but I'm there. Okay. Oh, good night, should I? I was in LA for 20 years. The whole world shut down. Everyone got re-re and then I was like, my brother's got a house. I could live in the basement. That makes sense. Yeah, the basement's nice. You have a girlfriend, a wife? No, they won't touch me. Like, what are you talking about? You're not interested in the ladies? Oh, I didn't say that. I put words in my mouth. Well, people like you. Did I say that? I said that. You didn't say that. I didn't say that. Okay. Habitat Pole for Humanity. Bro, I love it. I'm trying to save all the titties. What do we do? We're chopping them off and stuff. Get the fuck out of here. You're in there? No, ma's. Tita's the litus. Cut it, the fuck out. Cut it out. See? Cut it out. What do we do? You ever been in the military? No, my whole family. I wasn't brave enough. Oh, okay. I wrote jokes and dribbled a basketball for my life. I was pretty privileged. You were good at basketball? Yeah, I had a little jump shot. Yep, a little bit over there. So, grill in. I can't understand what you're saying. Not that. Tadpole triplet. We are going to get your contact information. We're going to try to see what ways to well can possibly maybe do for you. Thank you for all the miracles, but nothing's guaranteed. You got that. Want me to get it in the hoodie? Get 'em in the neck. Cut it. Tadpole tri-- Shane Gillis going pee. Brought to you by Bud Light. There's the lovely Heidi. And we're going to get another bucket pull up here. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Gordon Dixon. Everybody here comes Gordon Dixon. Make some noise, Austin. Let's go. I'm 41. If that last dude with 46, he is fucked. Oh, bro. He got a knee brace from sucking dick. Yeah, I fucked that guy, man. Thank you. Thank you. Ha! Homeless dude. Anyway, I'm 40. I'm a 40-year-old comic. I hang out with 20-year-olds. I went to a strip club the other night. They're all making a rain. And I tried to pay for my lap dance with a checkbook. And I knew I was old. Exactly. Half of y'all don't know where checkbooks are. Fuck y'all, young people. Yeah, the stripper was like, "Hey, I want to make a rain. You gonna make a rain?" I'm like, "How you spell candy with an IE or a Y?" "How you spell this?" It's all right, yo. It was 12,000. It was a bounce check. She's never going to pass that check. I'm celebrating my eighth year out of the service, so I'm having fun. I'm fucked up right now. Thank y'all. You don't want the club. All right. You don't care about people in the service. Thank you. Thank you. I served as you. I served as you, not as st. Jehovah's Witness. So, yeah. Exactly. This is a rough night. Fuck y'all. All right. That's. You guys like handicapped people more than you're like half-black people. Fuck y'all, man. Name is Gordon Dixon. My name is. Yeah, good. All right. I'm fucked up. Thank you. Oh. Gordon Dixon. Damn it. I'll throw a broken show. All right. Gordon, how are you? I'm good, man. I'm good on the show before. Yeah, I've been on a couple of times. It's time you're a little five. -Yeah, yeah. I just got off work. Yeah, I work next door. It's my fault. -What did you drink, exactly? What did you do, Gordon? -Every shot. People bought me, right? There's some people that bought me shot. There's another guy who bought me a shot. -Yeah, it's fucked up, man. It's Austin, man. It's weird out here. You have to get fucked up. -No, you don't. -All right. That's what I was told when I moved out here. All right. They fucking lied to me. My bad. -All right. Gordon, you're kind of changed. -You missed a lot. -You did, man. I'm glad Shane missed it. I'm sorry, Shane. -All right. [ Laughter ] -Gordon. I know. It's. -I don't know the guess how many shots you did tonight before tonight's set. How many would you guess? -Just a ballpark. -Good, strong three. I did a strong three. -Okay. -Yeah. -A strong three. But I'm old, so I shouldn't do any at all. I should stop drinking at this point, but fuck it. You know what I mean? Austin. -All right. Gordon, I'm gonna let you off easy tonight. -All right. I'm just gonna get you out of here with a little joke hook. There you go. Gordon, Dixon. All right. Let's get one last bucket pull up here tonight. Mix some noise for Lindsey Campbell, everybody. Here comes Lindsey Campbell. [ Cheers and applause ] Here's Lindsey, everybody. We know Lindsey. [ Cheers and applause ] -Hey, guys. Erica Kirk has been hanging out with Nicki Minaj lately. Have you seen that? [ Laughter ] She's trying to convince people that she's not racist. [ Laughter ] But she does run her fingers through people's hair when she hugs them. You can tell she doesn't have a single black friend. [ Laughter ] So anyway, I had a miscarriage like six months ago. [ Cheers and applause ] A couple days after that, my husband was just fingering me. And he got on his hand. What Google told us is gray pregnancy matter? Relax, guys. At least he got to hold our baby. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Hi, Joe Rogan. -Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Ladies and gentlemen, Lindsey Campbell, I loved it. A massive piece. [ Cheers and applause ] -You're red, Ben. -We know you well, Lindsey. You are married to the adorable little William Montgomery looking character, little chubby chair, a boy. The fans probably remember and know. So that's real, huh? -Yeah, Trey Campbell, Dr. Peppers. We got married on May 3rd, 2025. -Hell, yeah. Amazing. How's that going? Good? -It's going fucking awesome. I just keep bringing animals into the house and he just keeps trying to get rid of them, but. -What kind of animal? -What kind of animals? What are we talking about? -We're up to five now. We have two dogs. We have two cats and we have a snake. -Wow, okay. Hell yeah. -Fuck, did she point at you when she said snake? -That's a good question. -Yeah, she pointed at red, Ben. -I pointed right at you, bro. -What? I don't remember what I was drunk. What happened? -It's not a penis thing. I promise. I was talking about my snake and you told me that if I ever brought into mitsis that you would throw the bag against the wall. -Throw the what against the wall? -You were drunk. I said I was going to bring a snake in a bag and have a touch it without him knowing. -You got drunk and said you were going to kill your snake? -That's the view that wonder what red bands like after the show. -That's a real. -What a sack of shit. -Real hoot nanny. -I'm going to kill your snake. -I love it. -Lindsay, what do you do for work? -I'm a belly boy now. -Oh, wow. -Yeah, I work at a hotel. I make tips so I offer to give people ice unless they're Mexican that I offer to abolish it. -Wow. -You're hilarious. -Thank you. -You're a real comedian, Lindsay. -Thanks, Tony. -I love that. What else is going on in life? Anything else crazy we should know about? -I just got a job for the first time in like six months. That fucking sucks. -Yeah. That's the belly boy thing. -Yeah, it's the belly boy thing. And then we got our dog's spade, so she has a tattoo now. -It's a swastika. It's because she's a German shepherd. That's okay. -Hell yeah. -Sorry, Tony. -It's amazing. No, I-- I just got from 110. I give that joke a 9. -Thank you. -99999. [ Laughter ] -There you go. A little fucking out of you there. I like that. Oh, there's my ball scene. -No way. -Same. -I would never do that fucking thing. -I just sat my balls. -No, I did not. -Yeah, you did. -You went. [ Laughter ] -I do. -I'm animal. [ Laughter ] -Linsey, we love you. A great set. Here's a big joke. -Thank you. -Check out her. [ Cheers and applause ] -What? -Check out her cupcake. -Cupcake. -Oh, yeah. That's the cupcake lady. Hell yeah. Obviously getting high on her own supply. Um, ladies and gentlemen, what an episode this has been. I mean, holy shit. [ Cheers and applause ] Gillis, Lincoln Financial Field July 17th. Rogan of the JRE. There's only one way to end an episode like this. William Montgomery is already off on Christmas break. However, there is a young man whose dream it is of one day being a citizen of the greatest country honor for the United States of America. But for now, he remains the Estonian Assassin. It's very bad day. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] -So. [ Laughter ] Everyone's terrified of AI. It's common. Like, what do you do for a work, sir? Pest control. Pest control. Pest control. Pest control. Pest control. You have like six months left. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] See, the secret is you've got to get a job that even AI doesn't want to do. Like roofing. [ Laughter ] Dude, under the Texas sun, even AI is like -- [ Buzzer ] Miguel. [ Laughter ] Miguel, get up there. It's too fucking hot. My batteries are overheating. This is fucking ridiculous. This is inhumane. [ Laughter ] I don't know about stand-up. I'm not sure. I think AI is too algorithmical to do stand-up. Too perfect. People don't relate to perfection. People relate to mistakes. AI ain't about that life. [ Laughter ] AI ain't gonna say the end word. [ Laughter ] AI ain't gonna show his dick to the comedy club waitresses. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] I will. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] AI stand-up is gonna be all algorithmical, you know. Mom, almond milk. How could they be milk? They don't have nipples. Oh, shit. Also, if AI is so smart, how come every time I try to look into a website and to make sure I'm not a robot, they ask me to identify three traffic lights [ Laughter ] in the picture. So you're telling me AI sees this puzzle. [ Laughter ] Fuck! [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] So it gets flustered by traffic lights, but what the fuck is a wamo? [ Laughter ] That's my time. Thank you, guys. Two minutes. Forty-five seconds. Working overtime tonight. And without a doubt, the best set of the night. This is incredible, Ari Maddie. You've done it yet again. I'm gonna fucked up the order of the joke. Fuck. There's a whole different order. You know, when you just have to fucking. Yeah. No one even noticed. Oh, my God. Only you know. That's what's great about this. The order was totally fucked up. Was there a call back that got left behind? There was everything that was undone. And the ending was solved. It worked out great, man. Fucking amazing. What I love about this set, because it was so brilliant, so topical, so funny, such great delivery, so crisp, and yet I'll give a little behind the scenes inside scoop. that I normally don't really ever do, which is that when we were flying back from that gig on Sunday, I said, by the way, Monday's gonna be fun. Rogan, Gellus, and you go, "Fuck, I've got nothing new." - Yeah. (audience laughing) - So, I'm just curious, is that, did you just fuckin' cook that up in the past 36 hours or what? - Yeah, I went through some terrible gigs yesterday and I just bombed with it, but I knew it was logical, and if I get in front of a crowd that likes me, I knew, you know when you're bombing and you're like, you know when you're bombing and you're like, "Well, somewhere there will be laughter." (audience laughing) The sun will rise in the future. - What I love about that, two minutes, 45 seconds. You wrote that in 36 hours. We had a guy on stage earlier that's been doing it 39 years, (audience laughing) and his minute wasn't nearly as strong. - Yeah, that talks about stand-up that like, he left with a diagnosis of stem cells. (audience laughing) - That's why I wouldn't laugh about that, Paul, dude. - Yeah. - No, I couldn't for real kill you. - Yeah. - Without a doubt. - All right. - Yeah. - Unless you touch him at all, and in which case he will fall apart immediately. - That's why like when I did MMA, it was so cool to find out real quick, if you got it, you know. - Yeah. Not a lot of people know that. Ari Maddie is a professional fighter, Owen 3. Owen 3 career, but he knows not a shadow box. - Owen 3, real bad, yeah, I don't have it. - He's undefeated against the shadow. - The shadow gets fucked up every day, Joe. (audience laughing) - That's what we call "Dedric Flynn" behind this scene. (audience laughing) - Ari, what else is going on, man? You're killing it. - I don't know. I've been watching this series called "Spy Ops". Have you guys seen, have you watched "Spy Ops"? Amazing. - What is it? - I love the Mossad. (audience laughing) - Wow. - Israeli Secret Service. - Tell us. - Okay. - Tell us more. - I will. (audience laughing) See, like usual Secret Service, C-I-A-M-I-6, they gather information, and then they kill the guy. Like with cyanide, or they poison the soup, nobody even knows what happened. Mossad, God, there's no information, and they just blow up the whole building. (audience laughing) - Mossad always has civilian casualties. (audience laughing) But then always they're like, well, statistically, you know. (audience laughing) - There's this one episode. Okay, there's this one episode. There were after a guy who's a Palestinian terrorist, member of the Black September, they did Munich. Remember Munich? The big one? (audience laughing) - Until, yeah. - Worst thing to happen on German soil to Jews, you know. So. (audience laughing) So they're after one of the leaders, okay? And they find him in Oslo, Norway, disguised as a pizza delivery guy. Great disguise for a terrorist. You have a bicycle bring-bring. You got some pizza boxes filled with fuck and C4, you know. (audience laughing) You're meeting creepy guys in the alley. You're a fucking pizza guy. So the Mossad tracks this guy down. They pull up him and him in a car in Parliament Square, downtown Oslo blow his head off with a shotgun. Brains go flying into the guy's friend's hands, they collect the brains, you know. The Mossad disappears. Successful mission you would think. Six months later, they find out wrong guy. (audience laughing) Regular pizza guy. (audience laughing) Imagine you're at the funeral. And your parents are like, what did my son do? Oh, Black September. But of course, see the downside about the Mossad is they always get caught. How those guys got caught is after they blow the guy's head off. They took the car back to the rental agency. That's how Jews get caught. (audience laughing) That they're positive. (audience laughing) Chief God. Sorry, Maddie. They should have kept that. Have you ever seen the movie Munich? It's about that. It's about the Mossad track guys. I bet it is. It'd be weird if a movie wasn't. It's so funny if they included that scene. 'Cause the whole time they're like, man, these guys are so sly and smart. Yeah. Should have had one scene with it. Like, there's that motherfucker. (audience laughing) Shit. It was just a guy. Yeah, they had like one guy they were after in an apartment building. But they didn't nail witch up, but they tried to nail which floor it was on. They're like, the whole building goes. Yeah. You think of a fuck, the Mossad is crazy, Joe. (audience laughing) Don't end up sending the juice. (audience laughing) Where's that, Yamaka? Huh? Put it on. What's that? Put it on the Yamaka. No, the Yamaka's gone. You threw it out? No, I had it sent away and put on top of my Christmas tree. (audience laughing) Guys, they had touched on it, doesn't it? Okay. Oh, there's a KT Yamaka, that's crazy. Hit the fuck out of here. I'm gonna put it on you. No, I will. Yeah, huh? Whoa. Wow. Don't wave like that right now. Oh my god. Fucking moron. (audience laughing) By the way, that guy just went higher, Hitler. There's a guy in the crowd who just went like this. (audience laughing) That's not good, that's not good. Second, most Jewish thing red bands done this week next to take coupons into a Wendy's with them. (audience laughing) Shane goes this is that true? (audience laughing) It's a bench-piro joke in here, so. (audience laughing) It's like Ben Burrito. (audience laughing) Oh my god. Ari Maddie, what can I say? The set of the night, the fucking interview for the night, catch 'em on Monday, on Netflix. I'm on tour, I'm on tour. Yeah, take it to really low. Ari Maddie don't come for the level of God. Go to Ari Maddie.com, see this man's full length set. You're not gonna fucking believe it. If you love a minute, you'll love his hour. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. That is indeed Joe Rogan and Shane Gillis. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, it's a Shane Gillis, look at that. Hell yeah. Look at that, that's a very nice picture of you. Oh, thanks. Yeah. Look at that. Thanks man. He gave you a little, yeah. Put that above your bed. Yeah. Tell the girl, "Look at that." (audience laughing) Don't look at my real face. (audience laughing) Shane Gillis. Ladies and gentlemen, July 17th, 2026. Mother fucking Lincoln Financial Field, the biggest stand-up comedy show of all time. Have a one more time for the mother fucking man himself, Joe Rogan. (audience cheering) Next Monday, go to Netflix. Watch the whole goddamn thing. Tell everybody that you know, watch Kiltoni. Once upon a time in Texas filmed, live at the Moody Center on New Year's Eve, airs on Netflix next Monday. We will not be here on YouTube. We will be only on Netflix and then back on YouTube the next week. Fuck yeah, man, we did it. What an episode. Have a one more time for the best stand band in the land. (audience cheering) Check out their single "Pandemonium." Everywhere where music is available, the Kiltoni band. And we did it, Red Band. Love you guys. We love you. Catch a flood Netflix next week. Motherfuckers, good night everybody. (audience cheering) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) ♪ She's wild away from her whiskey home ♪ (upbeat music) The Songset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SongsetStripATX.com for tickets. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) [BLANK_AUDIO]