#750 - LANCE ARMSTRONG + TIM BUTTERLY + MATT MCCUSKER

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. Come be alive from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe! Who's ready for the best? Fuckin' night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Brian Red Band. What's up? And that is the best damn band in all the land, ladies and gentlemen. Make some fuckin' noise. You are here at Kill Tony, brought to you by Price Fix and Shopify. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Matt Muehling on the electric, playing a signature guitar, JohnPageGuitars.com, the great John Dees on the keys, ladies and gentlemen, with a brand new drop on Spotify called Oxygen. And this is indeed the one and only D-Madness, live in the flesh. We are here with an absolute hootenanny of a show for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking you on a tour. We are taking the actual Kill Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th, and Dallas, March 28th. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for tickets right now. Come see an actual Kill Tony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th, one in Grand Prairie, March 28th. TonyHinchcliffe.com. Get tickets now. You guys ready to start tonight's fuckin' show or what? Wow. You know, when I book these things, I'm trying to be strategic. You know, sometimes this, sometimes that. Sometimes it's just the best comedians in the world. Sometimes there's a rapper. Sometimes there's this or that. Tonight, we have two of the best comedians in the world and one of the greatest athletes of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, three residents of Austin, Texas, I present to you Lance Armstrong, Matt McCusker, and Tim Butterly. Yeah, holy shit. That's fuckin' Lance Armstrong. Matt McCusker. And Tim Butterly. Holy shit. That's a fuckin' panel if I've ever seen one before. Matt McCusker here has a brand new special on Netflix, Humble Offerings. Tim Butterly has a show with Matt McCusker called The Algonauts, the fourth Tuesday of every month at the Creek, in the Cave. And how about a hand for fuckin' Lance Armstrong joining the chaos tonight? An amazing human being. And I can say, one of my golf buddies here in Austin. That's how crazy life is. Exactly. It's amazing. Who knew? We're gonna have a lot of fun. Over 200 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to be pulled out of this bucket and get a minute on stage. It could change their life. They could absolutely, automatically go from living in their car, or whatever's going on, to having six roommates that fart a lot, to being rich and wildly successful. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm gonna pull a name out of this bucket. I'm not gonna let this fuckin' pale meth head in the front row do it. I'm gonna do it myself. Oh, you got braces, dude? Holy shit. How old are you? 37. Finally getting it together. Look at you. Holy shit. You really are from Ohio. That's amazing. No better time than now, dude. Braces. Do they give you a discount when you get them when you're almost 40? Since most of your life is over? Braces. The teeth. Finally fixing the teeth. What are you gonna do about the fact that your eyes are almost touching? They don't make braces for faces, do they? We're gonna have fun. This episode brought to you by braces. Hey, that beat his ass, dude. Punch him in the face. I could give him two black eyes with one punch. It's right in the middle. His eyes are right next to each other. This episode is brought to you by PrizePix and Shopify. While we go wrangle the first bucket full of the night, we have an unbelievable golden ticket winner here for you. Your first performer doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds is one of the greatest members of our production team ever. We've absolutely watched her grow and thrive and get better and stronger at everything every single week. Ladies and gentlemen, going first tonight, make some fucking noise for Aya, everybody. When I first graduated college, I was just doing random stuff to make money. I tried selling edibles. You ever get so high, you forget you sell drugs and just end up running a nonprofit? That's kind of what happened. I couldn't afford to go on vacation, so I was just teaching myself how to lucid dream. See Hawaii at night, I guess. I feel like if I had more money, my standards for guys would be a little bit higher. Like a friend of mine, she had a one night stand with a guy and he bought her a Plan B. And I don't know what I'd do if that happened to me. Because if a guy bought me a Plan B, I'd be like, "Oh my God. I need to make a Plan B." I'd be like, "Damn. You would make an amazing provider." I wouldn't even take the Plan B. I would just keep the box to show my kid. That's how I knew he was the one. Okay, thank you guys. Exactly one minute from the great Aya, everybody. Hi, Aya. Hey, Tony. How's it going? Good. How's it going with you? Fantastic. That was a great time. That was a great set. Thanks for asking how I'm doing. Nobody ever does that. Yeah. It's a thankless job over here. It's like my first time probably asking you too. Yeah. Absolutely. Aya, tell these people about your life. My life? I recently cut my hair. I was thinking I was like, "Oh, I want to try and be attractive to women," but then I really thought about being a lesbian. I heard that vaginas are a little bit of sex. They're a little bit acidic and I have too many paper cuts to dig in there, but I do. I want to fall in love with someone, preferably Indian, because, I don't know, when you fall in love with someone, you really get to know how their mind works. People always seem to have a really, really good song stuck in their head. Just. And I want to know the lyrics, you know? I want to sing along. Aya, it's so special. So, when you say you cut your hair, did you cut your hair? No. Okay. I was like. I was going out in the town and there was this lonely Uzbekistanian barber and I was like, "Oh, I'm going to give him some business." And so I did. And I got. This cost me $60. Is that like. I don't know. Guys, like, is this worth $60? It kind of looks like he cut your hair to dance for like a chic warlord, I guess. It is. It might be the best haircut available in Uzbekistan. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. That might be. In the middle of his phone. Like, in the middle of the haircut, he got a phone call from his girl. And yeah, she was mad at him. But I was like, "Dang, women." And he was like, "Yeah, like, men need to learn to control their urges, like their sexual urges. But women have this natural urge to be a bitch." And he was telling me about how women, we need to learn to control that too. And I could see where he was coming from. I mean, he was like, "Yeah, I'm going to do it." And I was like, "Yeah, I'm going to do it." And he was like, "Yeah, I'm going to do it." And I was like, "Yeah, I'm going to do it." like men need to learn to control their urges like their sexual urges but women have this natural urge to be a bitch and he was telling me about how women we need to learn to control that too and i could see where he was coming from yeah because i get that urge to i'll start fights with the boys for no reason yeah i love it now you have the haircut they don't even know what you are yeah could get scared when you say you wanted to be a lesbian for a second was that was i'm trying to figure out the chicken or the egg because it seems like you got your hair cut and then you decided is that what happened what happened first were you thinking about being with a woman and then you got the haircut or did you get that haircut and then that's what happens do you get a weird haircut and become a lesbian yeah i think it's like it's like that it's like i don't know how it works for gay men if you get the voice first and then the thought You get the voice first, and then the thoughts happen. I can tell you from my own experience. It's true. Aya, you are an absolute fucking little angel. We love you. You're an amazing part of the team. It's so fun to watch you grow as a comedian. I'd love to be on The Secret Show Thursday. Yeah, I'll see you on Thursday. Thank you. You just got booked on a real show. And it has begun, ladies and gentlemen. Aya has gotten the party started, and now we switch over to the bucket, everyone. This is where chaos happens. We meet people all together. Could be a completely crazy person. Could be an old person. Could be a young person. Could be white. Could be super black. Could be brown. Could be Asian. Anything can happen. The whole thing's improvised. You guys ready for your first bucket pool? Here we go. All together, make some noise for Remy Swice, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. How's it going? My name is Remy Swice. I'm of Middle Eastern descent. Both of my parents are from Jordan, and on top of that, I'm from Oklahoma City. I was born and raised in Oklahoma, and that makes me a southern Arab gentleman. That means I allow my women to work next to me rather than 10 steps behind everywhere we go. I might even hold her hand. My favorite sport is baseball, and I always wondered how come they don't have baseball in the Middle East. You know, here in America. We got the sand lot. Middle East. Lots of sand. Love that. So I'm Arabic, right? I'm Arabic. That means my pronouns are hijab. Major League Baseball's gonna start having games in India. Do y'all hear about this? Yeah, they got cricket. We got baseball. They're trying to bridge the gap internationally. You know what makes me laugh when I think about baseball? I think about the fact that baseball is a big part of our lives. We're gonna have to make sure that we're not just playing baseball. We got baseball. You know what makes me laugh when I think about baseball in India? Every night at the ballpark is bobblehead night. Doesn't bobblehead sound like what you get from a Hindu girl when she goes down on you? Hey, I'm Remy Swyce. Thank you very much. Remy Swyce. If you had two Indian bobblehead jokes happening to start the show on your bingo card, if you would have bet $1 on prize picks, you would have won $3.5 billion just then. It's never happened before, and there it is back to back. Prize picks. Use the promo code TONY. Let them know we sent you. Hi, Remy. Hey, Tony. How's it going? Fantastic. How are you? A lot of. They got a lot of sand. That was crazy. It's like, did you finish writing that joke? Yeah. Thank you. That's a. No, no, no. No, no, no. You're misunderstanding me. I'm saying you didn't like finish it. You have a premise there, and then it just ended with, "We got lots of sand." Okay. Very good. Remy, how long you been doing standup? About four or five years. So, half of it here or in Oklahoma? About half of it here and half of it in Oklahoma. Okay. And where. Were you in an actual city in Oklahoma or out in the middle of nowhere? No. Oklahoma City. Okay. What was that like, being a brown guy in Oklahoma City? It was all right. You know, back at the turn of the century, I had to act Spanish after 9/11 for a little bit. But, yeah. It's like. What would you do to act Spanish? Give us an example. You know, like wear beanies low to my eye and the button-up shirt with the two buttons at the top. Open everything open. What do you do for work, Remy? Right now, I Uber and do comedy, actually. I'm getting paid to do comedy now. Who's paying you to do comedy? Who is this person? Oh, that's good stuff. Where are you getting booked at? I'm getting booked at the Creek. I got booked in New York a couple times. I got booked in Orlando. It's booked at the Creek, but he looks like he lives in a cave. Am I right? The Creek and the Cave is the full name of the comedy club. The guys that know. The guys that know are laughing really hard right now, because he does look like he lives in a cave. Okay. Have you ever thought about joining a terrorist organization? I start my own. Okay. What would that look like to you? What would be the first thing that would be the first attack that you would do? Jeez. Probably my third grade teacher's house. Wow. All right. You had a real answer there. Let's check in with Matt McCusker. Yeah. I'd like to talk more about this Middle Eastern Sandlot. I think you're onto something. The Sandlot, the Middle East. You can hit the ball over the wall, but instead it's just into Israel. They got to go over the wall to get it. And then a baseball hits somebody and they drop a bomb on you. You're killing me. Smalls has a different meaning with a suicide vest. Man, I just realized this is Lance Armstrong. Wow. Yeah. I bet you never met him. What a pull. What a fucking pull. I bet you never met an astronaut before. That's right. That's right. That's right. I watched. Lance, what are you. So they really don't know what's happening when they come out here. Exactly. No, the whole thing's real. How many of these people are coming up here? Because we might have to be doing this a few times. Yeah. No, it's going to happen. People are going to notice you and go, "Holy fucking shit. You're Lance Armstrong." It's one of the fun things. What's with all the gray hair? No, you're fine. No one's even noticing. Look at this fucking guy. Okay. All right. Osama bin eaten over here. My goodness gracious. You're eating Al Qaeda foods out there, huh? But I like Oklahoma. Yeah? What have you done in Oklahoma? Yeah. Well, I grew up in North Texas, so I would go up there and race. I mean, I did. I liked it. I like Tulsa, Norman, Oklahoma City. He's the man right there. Yeah. That's cool. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. I love it. I love it. Anything else crazy about your life? Maybe the one who's nice up here tonight. Yeah. That's good. That's a plan. Fucking destroy these people. Somebody's got to be. These poor people. It's going to be great. Wait until you find one that you don't like. It's going to. I can't wait. I've seen this happen before. People start off early. They go, "I'm going to be nice." An hour later, you're going to be like, "You fucking suck, dude. You need to quit. Never do this again." I run the biggest Milli Vanilli Fan Club page on Facebook. Milli Vanilli? Wait. Yeah. Yeah. In 2014, I hashtagged. Does everybody know who Milli Vanilli is? See, there's enough young people. They're like, "Who?" They were my favorite band growing up. I say band, but then they got. The shit that went down happened to them. Yeah. In 2014, I hashtagged Milli Vanilli and nothing came up. I was like, "I got to do something about it." Wow. How's that going? Did you build a. I had over 7,000 people in the group. 7,000 people. Yeah. Wow. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. That's the thing. 7,000 people. Yeah. Wow. It's the biggest one in the world. No big deal. Just out of curiosity, how many followers on the second biggest Milli Vanilli Facebook group? Yeah. I think 1,000, maybe. Fucking losers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. The guy that killed himself, his sister joined the group. What? Yeah. Yeah. Then she tried to run it. I was like, "Get the fuck out of here." Then someone else reached out on behalf, and I was like, "If your friend wants. " Classic Facebook mod behavior, dude. Beat it, toots. I built this from the ground up. I was like, "Start your own." That's exactly what I said. I was like, "They were my favorite band in the third grade." Anyways. So someone reached out for her on her behalf to me, and I was like, "If she wants the page, it's five grand cash American, and yeah, I'll sign it over to you. You can do whatever you want with it." If you want your dead brother's band's Facebook page. If you want me to stop posting my stand-up clips on your dead brother's band's Facebook page. Five thousand dollars. No, I keep that separate. Which Vanilli died? Was it Vanilli or Manilli? Yeah. This is our senior Vanilli. My mom met Vanilli, or one of the guys, in an elevator when Blame It On The Rain was number one. That was her big celebrity moment. So the guy that's still around, his name is Fab Morvan, is the guy that's still alive, and then Rob Pilatus was the guy that passed. Wow. Amazing your knowledge of literally a laughing stock of a musical group. Absolutely incredible. Eddie Murphy is my favorite comedian. What does that say? It says that your time here is done, my friend. Thanks, Tony. Appreciate it. There's a little joke book. There he goes. Remy Swipes, ladies and gentlemen. When people just start randomly naming their favorite comedians, you know the interview has ended. Uh-oh. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Check out her podcast. Love on the Line at HeidiRegina.com. How about it one more time for Heidi, everyone, getting us all liquored up up here. All right. Your next bucket pool, 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Lino Rodriguez, everybody. Here comes Lino Rodriguez. I'm sort of stressed out, guys. The other day, I got flashed by a homeless guy with the biggest, blackest cock I'd ever in person. Shout out Mia Khalifa. He had a cock that was so big. How big was it? He had a cock that was so big, I thought to myself, how is this guy homeless? How is this guy homeless? I got what I got. I got a place. This guy should have a mansion. and before I knew it he started a helicopter dick at me and it was so big I could hear the sound the motherfucker was powering the Midwest by himself and before I knew it he took flight as if God was calling him to heaven he started to terrorize all the 6th Street you got a dollar are you gonna finish that cigarette Lino Rodriguez going all the way to the bear there hi Lino how's it going good that was okay that was good that's like the best you've ever done on the show right yeah I think so good I think so too you've been on many times what have we learned about you what are the big fun facts about Lino remind me I think so too you've been on many times what have we learned about you what are you going to do tonight I'm a clubfoot Puerto Rican from Mississippi okay yep that makes sense Puerto Rican from Mississippi Jordanians from Oklahoma it's a real melting pot we have here tonight so how clubbed is that foot exactly what does that mean that your toes are like webbed are they there what does that mean when I was born they were upside down your toes were upside down shaped like a golf club Wow yeah I could wipe my own ass with my feet it was okay what do you do for work Lino I work at the Vulcan gas company and I also work in a smoke shop selling weed out of a bus okay how's that going we got robbed how did that happen middle of the night or yeah it was late night they uh they busted in the back of the bus and took all of our weed mushrooms very cool people okay yeah they busted in through the back door how were you in there oh no I was I was partying somewhere else but it was open the band they were selling stuff no no no it was closed they broke in late night they knew what they wanted they wanted our weed they wanted our mushrooms they wanted our vapes right what else could they possibly want from a van that sells weed mushrooms and vapes it's not much else yeah they're definitely not looking for your joke book that's for sure Lino how long you been doing stand-up around four or five years now okay yeah five years and you're it's going good for you huh I'm having a good time yeah I like it out here I've been having a fun time out working in the local scene and building my way up from fucking shit so yep yeah it's trying I love it I love it comedy why Lino why what is that name is your parents named you that I'm named after my dad my dad's name was Lino and then he got murdered so they're like we need another Lino dad got murdered yeah my dad was murdered yeah tell us tell us about that vape shop robbery the motherfucker got murdered with the baseball bat oh that's right yep it's all coming back to me now and he's not even a baseball fan Lino how old were you when that happened I wasn't I'll say how is this this isn't adding up I wasn't born needed another one of you and he was murdered yes then the maybe you have a different dad no your mama me right my mom loved it that big of a you know now my dad he was murdered while I was in the womb when I was in the tummy yeah yeah this is just such a crazy speech impediment to hear about a dead dad with because for a second I thought you were in the room when they murdered it I was in the same womb as he was could have been you could have been you little arm reaching out with a baseball bat okay but that crazy club foot he was either killed by a baseball bat or a mysterious upside-down foot we were both clubbed like father like son the Apple doesn't fall far from the Louisville slugger Lino you've been up many times before you always have gotten a little joke book I'm guessing right yeah well guess what buddy today's the big day big joke book for you you know Rodriguez ladies and gentlemen keep it moving along here with one more bucket pool before we get to a special treat make some noise for Joe Hanson we're gonna meet Joe all together one minute uninterrupted for Joe Hanson everybody so guys uh I was raised really poor just right off the bat my parents would always try to hide it from us though they would they would always say shit like it's national leftover hamburger helper day it's like it's been national leftover hamburger helper day for five nights in a row man what are you trying to pull on us I figured it out though I did figure out we were poor when it came time to put down our family dog it cost $45 my dad was just like now I'll shoot it all right like but I was seven years old man I took that at face value I was like oh I cannot get sick we we are not a MinuteClinic family at all I'm sure dad I have a headache a die bitch that's cool though that's cool I Austin's fun I was walking down six and this girl goes I'm having hot girl tummy issues and then she lifted up her shirt and she just had a colostomy bag that's not hot girl tummy issues that's just a bag of shit strapped to you thank you hell yeah Joe Hanson welcome is this your first time on the show yeah nice welcome welcome how long you been on stand-up uh like two probably two years two years all of it here in Austin no I'm actually from Kansas City originally okay now you live here no no actually I just moved down to Clearwater Florida okay what made you move to Clearwater Florida my wife is doing her residency down there so what is she doing a residency for internal medicine okay she's a doctor five years five years retirement I'm fucking out of a job in five years look at you you little gold digger what do you do for work I just work like bullshit IT right now all right okay let me if they see this it's cool IT and I love it so much okay what kind of money are you making not enough to really be saying how much I love it but right enough that I don't want to lose it what are the hours like it just normal corporate shit okay what are you doing help desk server admin yeah help desk help desk that's bitch stuff yeah it is bitch fry started man really yeah they really treat you like a fucking loser and then you worked your way up to full-time comedian that's like a fucking loser and then you work your way up to full-time comedian that's But it's very much like you got to know who's who to get on the shows and stuff. What else are you into? Do you have any other special skills or hobbies or anything that you're into? I wish I could say I do. There's got to be something. Well, I mostly just spend time taking care of my wife. I bet she would phrase it differently. No, I do. I really do. Because I treat it like the same way you would invest in 401Ks, me doing the laundry is my contribution. Oh, that's got to suck. Yeah. Does she just tell you when to eat her pussy and stuff? Yeah, she gets home from work and she goes, someone died, eat my box. Wow. Amazing. That is incredible. Does she kind of bring her work home with her sometimes and you have to hear about it? I check her on that shit. What do you mean? Give us an example. Well, she'll come home in a flurry and she'll work ICU or something. Like four people will die and she'll go, yeah, today sucked. And I'll be like, yeah. But let's leave it at the door and let's go watch some movies or something. Okay. I've got, I don't know, I feel like a puppet master a little bit because I've kind of like helped her cope by manipulating it sounds like, I guess. How long have you been with her? We just got married this year, four years. Okay. Thank you. There's some people very impressed by a four-year-long relationship. Yeah. It's amazing. Did she come down here with you? Does she know you're doing this? She's at work right now, dog. Well, she's going to know. Yeah. Let's hope, yeah. She'll like it. So you just came to Austin for what exactly? Me and a group of guys from Kansas City. They came down here and I met up with them. And then we've just been like running the shows and mics out here. See anything crazy while you were here in Austin? There was like, I mean, I hate to just. be like yeah a homeless guy but like there was some guy who like was just screaming at the top of his that's it well he started to get close amazing god help you if you ever visit new york or los angeles yeah dude there's a homeless guy screaming wow fucking amazing it's creepier when they whisper yeah that's a great point red band you guys drove down together uh no i flew they drove so dr wife money yeah yeah i go yeah you guys have nine hours they're gonna be sitting in the fucking farted up van driving back you're the one that got on the fucking show yeah he was in a class he was in a helicopter right above them yeah you guys look so small from up here well joe i liked your set uh i thought it was funny and uh clever so here's a big joke book congratulations you there he goes joe hansen we're gonna keep it moving along we have a special treat for you ladies and gentlemen uh one of my favorite characters that we ever found here on the show is uh dropping in with a brand new minute make some noise you know them everybody this is indeed the one and only sir winston pickles everybody here we go thank you i was driving last night and i accidentally uh hit a deer a dear old lady what was she even doing up at 1am i told the cop she didn't look left or right before she crossed and uh he said she shouldn't have to in her own kitchen it's that time of year where i've got to decide whether to hang my christmas lights or myself oh yeah i don't really need christ i don't really need christmas lights there i just need a bottle of luminol i was in a drag race earlier today and uh i got disqualified for wearing sneakers instead of high heels okay my time is up sir winston pickles i love it i love your style sir winston i hit a deer a dear old lady i love your style sir winston i hit a deer a dear old lady i love your style sir winston i hit a deer a dear old lady i love your style sir winston i hit a deer a dear old lady fantastic panel tony thank you so you've missed the uh you missed the opportunity to get rob reiner oh that is true we will not have rob reiner he was coming up in a few weeks and that ship has sailed yes yes you are one evil clown i gotta tell you sir winston pickles i love it great jokes uh how's life been going sir winston very busy you luminol red band wants to know what luminol is luminol is a thing i've watched every episode of forensic files uh that you can spray around the room and if you light it up with a black light it shows you where blood has been so what he's saying is that he's murdered so many people that he doesn't have to put up christmas decorations he just needs to spray his place with luminol and it'll all light up there you go smart and funny if you know what luminol is i think i was the only person in the room that knew what it was maybe a black light or something instead you could say right i mean if you know he probably he's got a smart you don't need a black light with luminol it's a it's a chemical reaction brian oh really you don't need a black light oh okay all right it just lights up automatically yes amazing black light would show jizzo yeah hey yeah see what's coming out of his sir winston pickle you know what i'm saying so sir winston take us through like a day in the life because i think about you sometimes i'm like i wonder what the fuck he does during the day i wonder what he looks like like i find you to be an intriguing intriguing man so take us through like i just go around making a nuisance of myself in various stores what do you mean like i go to i go to dick sporting goods work out on their equipment actually i've just bought a roin machine yeah got a great price on it sir but uh flooding the living room every night is costing me a fortune that's just a boat that's a kayak so what time of the day do you usually put on the makeup and everything like noon about noon amazing and you'll like run errands and stuff yes run errands yeah and you enjoy it right i love it yeah it's cool yes what do you do what what do you do when you're not in the makeup is there anything that you do like you don't go to like a doctor's appointment like that do you once or twice okay yes what's one of the weirdest places that you've been in that makeup where you got a weird reaction dmv do they let you take your driver's license no they don't let you do that driving license picture is totally different okay no no nobody wants to know that uh any other weird times where you're sir winston pickles well when i used to doordash i did try it twice oh my god yes doordash the old ring cameras oh i can't even fucking imagine yes people must be scared to death the tip the tips were very high yeah yeah that's just straight up scary i love it and you're married right yes unfortunately is she a clown too no i should say my ex-wife she's a clown no oh what does that mean after that what i just said my unfortunately right oh i got you yep yes gotcha all right sir winston well another great set so much fun always a pleasure to have you so different sir winston pickles ladies and gentlemen thank you the evil dark so dark yet so white sir winston pickles there he goes everybody so winston pickles was on the show all right here we go your next bucket pool goes by the name of taylor fairer fairer taylor fairer make some noise for taylor so i'm still mad at obama for not using once you go black you never go back for his re-election slogan it was right there and it would have opened up the door for trump to use orange is the new black and then kamala could have kept it going with orange you glad i'm not biting and then in a few years rfk can run on the slogan orange juice is giving liver cancer to children you know and i google a lot of stuff like the other day i googled whether cum goes when you get a vasectomy i didn't know and uh for those of you don't know when you get a vasectomy you can't just plug it right you can't just put like a little cork in it because you'll keep making jizz it'll back up and then your balls will explode i think i don't know that's why i googled it it turns out they don't plug it they just leave it open so you just continue making jizz goes out the open tube and then your body just reabsorbs it that's gay dude you mean to tell me that every time you orgasm you're just coming all up inside yourself uh uh not in god's country there you go taylor fairer welcome to the show taylor thank you got funny there at the end i don't know if you're quite the political comedian that you think you are you seem like a guy that would talk about jizz being backed up into your own balls and you really found your voice there towards the end uh i love it how long you've been doing stand-up taylor uh it's like my 10th time oh wow so you're new yeah well how long phenomenal for 10 times yeah thanks thank you appreciate it absolutely great how long ago was the first time so i started actually like right before pandemic because i was in pa school and i was doing it just for kind of fun pa school like uh physician assistant okay so i was doing it during pa school we would all go out together and then wait this is who that guy's wife is going to school with yeah i think so fuck yeah and uh and i did it a few times and then pandemic hit and i just stopped and then i uh started back up a couple months ago nice what made you want to start back up a couple months ago i just always wanted to do it so i figured where do you live miami okay i could see that that seems right so what exactly do you do for work in miami i work at er you work in an er yeah as a regular i got pa right and so what's some crazy stuff that you've seen i have to be super crazy stuff there yeah miami emergency room i can't even fucking imagine tell not long ago this uh older like 84 year old lady came in she thought she had a uti and so we're checking her out for that and and uh she that wink just lost you your medical license by the way yeah so we're checking out for the uti and then she was telling the nurse that the reason why she thinks she had a uti is because she was having sex and a bunch of liquid came out and she said her boyfriend told her that squirting is a thing and so then we had to tell her yeah that is a thing and she did not have a uti so she just came to the er to tell us that she squirted for the first time and she's just wow holy shit what's your instagram what a brag red band red band you can't just say things like that that's a real human being what do you know what her instagram is all right so that's pretty amazing she came to you because she came yeah it's impressive uh if you don't mind uh lance wanted me to ask is squirt piss all right that's like that's a great question all right it's so yes and no there's piss in it but it's not open question but that wasn't my question don't put this on me lance i'm sick it's an important question oh no you're gonna like my question that you're gonna get blamed for i really have a question no i want to hear the other one too save that question let's find out your breakdown of what do you what do you think the piss do what is the special liquid that comes out so there is there is urine in it they've done studies where they show like uh like imaging and you see the bladder does get emptied to some degree but it's not all piss totally true that's correct i used to argue with red band we would get into vicious arguments no i remember i've always said it's uh it's not p right that's what i'm saying i back in the day thought it was p but like it always okay you go ahead sorry welcome to another episode of kill taylor everybody uh you go ahead you take over it used to confuse me because like squirting is always clear and i was like there's no way that every woman's just super hydrated all the time right that's that was what gave me pause you're exactly right i'm uh i'm like i was saying i'm gonna go back to my thing and then we're gonna get to lance's question i'm a converted uh squirt believer there was a period of time where i was anti-squirt was convinced it was just straight p but i gotta tell you that's something else tastes way better than p definitely red band said it i might completely agree with him but in any matter disgusting red band you're so gross um let's go over to lance armstrong yeah but the but is that true about the vasectomy that that can't be true it doesn't stay inside there's i think there's but you're supposed to know i'm not a pa or a doctor or anything there's different ways one of the ways is to leave it open but there's also ways that i think that they do actually so there's anybody in the room had one of these things done i did yeah anyone give themselves a fucking were you wondering this super vasectomy what like there's nothing comes out oh no no you still have seminal fluid coming out but it doesn't connect to the scene it tastes way better i'm gonna go with the vasectomy It tastes way better, Red Band says. I should have said that. That's great. It's a lot sweeter than regular cum. I don't have any more questions. Perfect. The defense rests. I'm still on the squirt, so, okay, some of it's pee. Some of it's pee. What is the other stuff? Is it just, like, leftover jizz from the guy before you? That's usually it. That's usually it. Hey, I'm asking a doctor, guys. This is confidential. It's a bunch of magical stuff. It's kind of like lady sweat, but inside of the thing called the vaginal sponge or something like that, the bladder sponge. There's, like, a thing, top shelf. There's a whole system to it. I might know more than you. I looked into this. I watched a whole 30-minute YouTube tutorial. There's a system. Taylor, what's your love life like? You seem like a good-looking guy. You're in Miami. You're married. Yeah. Wow. We met in PA school. Okay. All right. And is she also working in the ER? No, she works in aesthetics. Okay. Like Botox, fillers, that kind of stuff. Okay. Wow. And no kids? No. Now, how does that happen? What are you doing? What's your method? Pulling out. Just regular old pulling out. Right in time. Just in time. You have a favorite place where you shoot your load? Good question, Tony. Thanks, Tony. Jeez, you people. Her groans. Depends on the position. Probably the back. Got it. Yeah, you're sick of her face at this point. Have you made her squirt? Her, no. Interesting, right? No. No. That was the worst answer you could have given. No, no. That's that Miami lifestyle, dude. Now, why do you think that is? Do you think she's just not hydrated enough? That might be the answer. Yeah. No, I think it's a. I don't know if it's a lie. It's a learnable skill, but I think there's some girls could do it, some can't. Right. Maybe you could. Some girls are drier than your political jokes. She may not be old enough. Yeah. Because that other lady was old. The 80-something. That's true. Just wait. So we got to wait, yeah. Yeah, we got to wait a little bit. I'll keep you updated. Any day now. I'm surprised that guy didn't come with that old lady. I would have followed her there and be like, yeah, I did that. Yeah. He's just in the lobby with a poster board. It was me. I just pointed to him. Amazing. Amazing, Taylor. Well, fun times. A good set. You picked it up towards the end. I like your style. There's a big joke book. Back to Miami he goes. Taylor Ferrer. All right. We're moving at a great pace. I like this episode. This is fun. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Michael Moses, everybody. Back to the bucket with a minute uninterrupted from Michael Moses. Oh, what's up, Austin? I'm happy to be here, man. Happy to be out here. The house girl's mad at me right now. Just had a message on my phone message popped up. She looked at it. She goes, who's Amber? I was like, bitch, a kid is missing. I'm not Muslim. I'm not Muslim. I know I look Muslim, but I'm not. I got a white mom. She's very white. She's on a cruise ship right now. OK, but like and I grew up in a small town in Canada. Three thousand people. So Muslim people, they pass me and they're like, assalamu alaikum. I'm like, uh, Shama, I'm a ding dong, dude. I have no idea what the fuck that is. My mom, very white. She's very white. She's like, I said, she's on a cruise ship. She married, she remarried white. This dude's so white. His name's Mark with a C. All right. Mark wears jean shorts. All right. Every time he gets startled, he's like, jeepers. White. Mark's so white, he jumps in the water like this. OK. Plugs his nose. He's a grown man. I go, Mark, jump into the water. Let the water go up your nose. Snot rocket it up and push it towards another family like a man. He goes, nah, it stinks. All right. My name is Michael Moses. Thank you so much. Michael Moses. Welcome to the show, Michael. It's your first time on, right? How long you been doing stand-up? 13 years. 13 years. Holy shit. Where at? Canada, all over. Started Alberta, Toronto, and yeah. That's where you're born, Alberta? Yeah. No, Winnipeg. Winnipeg. Middle, moved west, started comedy east. Yep, absolutely. So 13 years. And what ethnicity are you exactly? I'm mixed. I'm mixed. So Tony, if you want to ask me the whitest thing about me, go ahead. Well, all right. Here we go. I guess this guy's ready. I watch the show. 13 years. He is prepared. What is the whitest thing about you? I don't use a washcloth in the shower. That is true. We don't do that. Do you use a loofah? No. You just go. Just fucking bar to head, bro. Bar in hand. Wow. A lot of people are saying "ew" in the audience. Like, he has to touch my body. You're good, bro. You ain't touching me, though. What color's your loofah, Tony? Black. Yeah, me too. Check. Look at that. We have that in common. Look at us. Hopefully, we don't ever get 'em mixed up. Oh, no. All right. Speaking of the color black, do you know what question's coming at you next? D-Madness? What is. Don't make D-Madness joke. Don't make D-Madness jokes right now. Okay. What is the blackest thing about you, Michael Moses? Uh, my grandma is 46 years old. Oh, my God. Wow. Thank you, Sora! That is amazing. That is amazing. So, which parent is that? That's your mom's? Oh, yeah. My dad's the black one. Uh-huh. Say, how old's your dad? R.I.P. Uh, uh, he was 37 when he. 37? He did die by gunshot. That is probably the real blackest thing about me. That happens in Canada? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I thought you guys had it all figured out up there. 37, he was killed by a gun. What exactly went down there? D-Madness is going to find the killer right now. Yeah, for. He does not like black men being killed. Oh. He's very aggressive about it. He's solved exactly zero murders, by the way. Yeah. They call him a private eye. Oh. People with eyes can't find, so if he can do it. I made that joke five seconds ago. Yeah. So, what happened where your dad got shot? It was a. So, it was a clothing store robbery, so. He was doing the robbery? Actually, like. Hold on. Let's take it one step at a time. No, you're falling off. Your dad was doing a robbery. With his friends. With his friends in Canada. In Canada. Holy shit. Denim jacket store? 100%, right? I also think that beats the 42-year-old grandmom. I mean. Yeah. Yeah. What was the exact store? Was it a Foot Locker? It was a clothing store. It was 100%. You don't know the clothing store? store no i don't you never asked i this like it happened when i was 17 i've been too scared to find out because they we don't we actually don't know what happened to the guys and so what do you be fucking that guy who doesn't want to touch me right now yeah what do you know about what happened so so yeah it's closed door he went in uh with some uh friends that to rob the place they knew the person who owned it ah right and then there were people like you know customers and they tied them up they all tied them up and put them and then this is what i've heard from my uncle who kind of went up there and like looked and my mom said so things we want to believe your 18 year old uncle yeah yeah right yeah exactly so the thing with like my dad had that moment of this ain't right and then you know tussle back and forth gun goes off gone oh yeah damn wow yeah he's really fresh to death you my bad yeah no no we we needed somebody to try to break the tension and that yeah that was a good effort man the dude thank you brother the dude with the black wife gotta go for it bro you know yep i appreciate that coming from him you're exactly right incredible so what's mom up to she's alive yeah uh remarried white uh she went white with so the mark thing's real to mark yeah 100 amazing 100 yeah they love uh cruise ships they own a big camper they go camping all summer she golfs and she just works and chills yeah amazing not bad at all no she's still in winnipeg no she's uh like southern alberta coaldale alberta hometown like katie lang never mind okay you gotta you gotta try it y'all know that song the big bone girl from southern alberta come on all right try the fresh to death one she's from southern alberta that was a bad theme for dad's dying tonight the other another dude his dad got hit with a baseball bat yeah really yeah yeah who did it uh we didn't get into that we didn't even find out okay damn you asked him amazing okay so mom's back out on cruise ships what do you how do you make money i'm uh i do uh i do this uh comedy and then i uh have a social media uh channel so to it's a stupid concept but the concept is uh i go into a restaurant every day at the same time i order the exact same thing and i see how long it takes for them to ask me if i want the usual and i know but it's got i got i'm getting 50 million views on video it's like it's it that's a that's it's the concept is that but then what happens it's it's wholesome you know i get to know somebody a stranger i get to know somebody a stranger turn them into a stranger and then at the end of the you know uh week we just raise money for them i've you know gotten people like two thousand dollars actually help the korean lady and now she can ship her son off to uh university in australia wow money so like that so then social media money like that and then very cool i'm doing it so all right has there been one where it hasn't happened yet and you're still there like two for two years or something 100 bro i'm doing sandy's hamburgers here in austin texas day 22 these mexico mexicans do not speak to me i love it hilarious michael what's your love life like uh don't i actually uh i just got engaged uh four weeks ago wow thank you is she white she's white you're following in your dad's footsteps she's pregnant look at that i am doing oh my goodness do you ever tie her up while stealing her clothes okie dokie uh following in his dad's footsteps you guys remember i love it how pregnant is she uh do february do february wow it's coming it's coming man oh my goodness absolutely incredible michael fun times thank you uh you did great your 13 years is very evident you're you have great stage presence everything's amazing here you go also you look like handsome squidward yeah lance wanted me to say that one one lighter tonight right there tim buckley everybody thank you so much tony thank you guys there he goes ladies and gentlemen michael moses all right we've come to the point of the show where one of our regulars is right behind that curtain and ready uh he is the dark storm of atlanta i believe this guy is the absolute future and the president of the kill tony universe make some noise for the one and only dendrick flynn everybody here he is oh man i was raised in the ghetto and um i hate the ghetto uh the ghetto stole christmas from me uh like physically and mentally at the same time uh about a week before christmas they came and took everything that like even our decorations and then um my whole family was downstairs and they were crying but then i looked at my cousin delhi and because we were both like six years old we had like a childlike innocence we both realized it doesn't matter uh santa's still coming and so we started getting kind of happy and kind of dancing and my grandma was like why the are you dancing over there and i was like grandma santa's coming don't worry we all can rejoice and uh she said santa ain't real and that kind of took uh the the christmas love out of my heart but it was placed back there shortly after because uh my uncle uh my uncle chris because you can't smell uh christmas without chris uh he came in and he was like he looked at my dad and he was like yo why you ain't got no decorations and presents for the kids and we told him what happened he said that won't do and then he came back into the house a couple hours later like a fully decorated tree and presented it to the kids he said that won't do and then he came back into the house a couple hours later like a fully decorated tree and presents from somebody else's house so we just started opening them and seeing you know what i'm saying i got a green ranger and a bobby playhouse we re we uh re-grinchified the neighborhood that day that's my time yeah hilarious deadrick flynn yeah that is amazing grandmas are the ones that do that my grandma's the one that told me santa isn't real oh man i remember it very clearly how did you remember where you were when you just got kids in school like you know red bands just finding out fuck for a man that eats milk and cookies every night that's very surprising oh very jolly there he is d madness ladies and gentlemen you say santa claus three times he pops up out of nowhere for some reason i love it wow that story sounds so authentic that's real huh yeah that was that's a that was a verbal uh photograph that i gave you right there like that is that's exactly what happened i mean the ghetto of atlanta it just seems like an absolute treasure trove of material yeah you sold it to casey rocky all right that's what happens when you have a white boy that grew up around the same environment as me you didn't get a that pull a harmonica out for no reason at all that's why i got this little slingshot right here i don't know oh shit they don't they don't got no metal detectors in here i'm just waiting don't pop off but don't worry i got my concealed carry permit that i made uh i laminated this the cops won't know the difference you you laminated it yeah yeah laminated it it's a uh deadrick slinky shoddy permit state of texas and it's got a picture of me so they know that it's mine oh yeah yeah it's a little bit light light skin but yeah yeah yeah yeah well they didn't have any brown markers near me when i got the idea yeah what do you put in the slingshot you have uh anything to hurt people uh i did something i got i went and bought some marbles but they didn't let me in with the marbles they took the marbles out of doors so shout out to the mothership staff for a good sir they are very good at that what do you i want to see they said not so fast dennis the menace society i want to see if it works let's see how far you could shoot a little joke book out into the crowd oh my god that thing's got some distance wow what about if i like you you know what i'm saying that went to the lobby you just took out a thick white lady yeah you're very strategic shot i know what i'm aiming the form was crazy too i would have pinched it you just put one finger and let go that's crazy yeah i used to shoot hornets at people in middle school i was the iss a lot i was a bad kid there's a lot of um because i knew santa claus weren't real so i gave up on being good look look how intense the cop by the exit door is right now he's got his hand on his pistol i love it were you really a bad kid growing up uh it i was just so smart that i would get doing my work early and then you can't just i can't just sit down i gotta pass notes you know i gotta play my game Boy, I got to be a distraction. And I was really good at popcorn reading. Some niggas love me. Popcorn reading. What is that? That's when you see who's stupid in your class. Everybody take a turn. You have to, like, read a passage. And then you say popcorn like Tony. And then you start reading. And they're like, Johnny walked across the Islan. And they're like, nigga, that's Island. You know what I'm saying? Oh, my God. Hilarious. Oh, my God, I'm so good. It really is. It's unbelievable. I love it, Dedrick. What are you doing for Christmas? How are you celebrating this year? I just bought my nephew this baller-ass drivable gravedigger thing. It was like $500, but Uncle Deddy got it. And then we're doing a Christmas show at the Earls that week. It's already sold out in Atlanta. We got, like, a Christmas band that's going to play. I'm going to do some pop-punk Christmas songs on there. So it's going to be fun as shit. Okay. All right. You're doing Christmas songs. I love it. Clap for me. Yeah. I'm doing big things. Dedrick, you're the fucking man. Hey, I love y'all. Thank y'all so much for having me. Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. One of the greats. And it goes on and on. We found Dedrick out of the bucket just five or six weeks ago or so. Anything can happen here. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Lorenzo Tyree, everybody. Here we go. Here comes Lorenzo. Lorenzo. I don't know if you guys can tell I'm nervous. But I got to let something off my chest for real. I don't donate to thrift stores, I'm going to be honest. It's not that I don't want to. It's that I can't. I'm poor. And growing up, you know, I was like, I'm going to go to a thrift store. I'm going to go to a thrift store. You know, I grew up in a small town. You think I want to see my neighbor two freaking streets down rocking my hand-me-downs better than me? Fuck that. Yeah, growing up poor. I was also raised by my grandma. I'm basically Courage the Cowardly Dominican. No Courage the Cowardly Dog fans in here? Fuck you. But growing up poor with my grandma, she would always have me reusing grocery store bags as like tiny trash can bags. You ever do that, guys? Yeah, right? Not bad. But, damn. All right, we'll leave it there, y'all. - Yes, you will. Lorenzo Tyree. We were waiting. We've waited for a bum like you all night, Lorenzo. Even the people that have done bad before were doing good here tonight, and then you came out. Our first female comedian of the night. Look at you. Look at you, Gucci'd up, okay. Oh, all right, very good. You really got me there, Lorenzo. Amazing. So, let's talk about it. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? I've been doing it for two years now. Where at? All around Austin. I started here. You started here? Mm-hmm. At the Mothership in Austin? Come on. I've been on before. You don't remember me. No, you have been on before? Yes, sir. Wow. What did we find out in the interview last time you were on? My dad's fucking. Please tell me that your dad got murdered. Wow. This is incredible. There's been three in a row. No, he actually died this year. I'm not gonna lie, yeah. Really? How did he die? Pneumonia. Pneumonia? Jesus. Got him. Wow. What crime was he committing when the pneumonia got him? You've got a running theme here for a few comedians in a row. It's incredible. What was he robbing at the time? Fucking my childhood. Shit. Amazing. Amazing. So the pneumonia got him. That was recent? Yeah. A couple months ago. Were you close with him? No, no. He lived in Dominica. I'm from Alaska. I don't know. I went there to see him. He was a piece of shit. How do you end up in Alaska if he's Dominican? Yeah. Okay. So he ran from his crimes to Alaska. What were his crimes? By the way, people make, I mean, like, holy shit. This is, you know, people are like, wow, Keltoni, you know, maybe they're making a lot of stereotype jokes. It's like, we're not. We are not. We are just facing the truth and reality. My father wasn't there for me. He was robbing places, killing people, committing crimes. Holy fucking shit, man. Like, I'm trying to give everybody an opportunity here. And holy shit, this is like if Asian people were coming out, like, sorry, I'm late, got in a car accident. Like, this is crazy what's happening here. This is an eclipse. It's like a dark eclipse of darkness. This is incredible. Bunch of dead criminal fathers. Okay. So what kind of crimes was he committing? This was in Alaska? Nah, he escaped to Alaska. That's where he got caught. But a lot of scamming. He was a scammer. He was a scammer. Mm-hmm. Okay. What kind of scams was he doing? Do you know exactly? Shit. I think calls. Like, he would set up. I don't know too much about him. Yeah. All good. Yeah. All good. Okay. So he got caught in Alaska committing crimes and fled to the Dominican Republic? Deported. Deported. Deported. Wow. What year was this? Free shit. Who was president at the time? It was like 2001. 2001. Oh, okay. Wow. So he just really committed crimes for Biden to deport him. It's amazing. Normally, he would just keep those people here and tell them to get out and vote. Anyway, Lorenzo Tyrese. So what's mom up to? Mom, just like last time, she's still on drugs. Still on drugs. Still on drugs. What kind of drugs is mom on? Be real with you, the neokind. Wow. Damn. So you're out there on your own. You're just doing it. How old are you, Lorenzo? a man though huh no i'm sorry lance wanted me to ask that all right all right all right all right i was a little curious wow so how old are you lorenzo i'm 23 23 years old 23 what huh 23 yes sir yep okay so you have any special skills or hobbies that you do when you're not doing stand-up comedy um i've been cutting homeless people's hair really yeah i actually retired are you getting their permission first yeah the black and mild and uh free haircut they love it they love it amazing do they really love it or are you giving them the same haircut that you do have well i buzzed a couple because they had i couldn't work with it they had nothing up here just straight sunburn so yeah i just um how many homeless people do you think you've given haircuts to this is so interesting uh eight on camera oh you're making money off of it oh you're absolutely doing it for your own personal gain wow incredible your parents would be so disappointed if they knew this was happening okie dokie uh i don't know nobody laughed at that i guess i'm the on that one all right 23 been doing comedy for two years what else about you how do you make money work at a little smoke shop okay there's another theme yeah the second one there's a running theme here well we're gonna rob there uh not yet okay not yet what'd you say it's a what shop hemp hemp shop okay how long have you been working there um about a year and a half okay yeah all right yeah i like it what's your love life like so i wasn't booed up when i last got here but i have a girlfriend now okay where'd you meet her at uh hinge yeah and right after i got off i was like kill tony might be regular oh you posted all the photos of me no she tried to scam her the apple doesn't fall far from the tree i'm sorry was i hallucinating or was did you come out and do like a titty dance oh wow no that's real yeah that happened that's crazy i've never seen puberty stop at the neck before that's nuts your head is completely untouched by testosterone it's true i use minoxidil trying to get a beard and that did not work oh man yeah it takes time sometimes lorenzo i saw that let's talk about it when you met this girl on hinge where's the first place you went on a date uh we went to red farm asian cuisine asian cuisine how did that go pretty good anything weird happen um no okay no and then uh you took her back where to your place her place um shit alaska we went on a long ass walk in the dark i was like are you sure you want to do like this is kind of weird and she's like yeah i do this all the time by myself i'm like what have you heard of the rain street ripper she's like yeah well i think you're the one that should be worried about the rainy street ripper buddy i don't know if you've seen his clientele but uh it's you it's us it's us it is it is us i know but i put that one on you i've already had about five gay jokes on me this episode uh okay so lorenzo how long have you been with her now um it's been five months six months okay what's the highlight of it all what's your favorite thing about having a girlfriend um she's really funny honestly she's really funny i'm not gonna lie nice well next time you should have her sign up oh my god no lorenzo you're doing fine buddy you're you're just beginning you're so young thank you you're you've you've got that you love doing it right i do you got a small joke book last time i did guess what tonight you're getting a medium size oh my goodness we're working up we're working up let's go ladies and gentlemen there he goes lorenzo tyree they go no all right how about how about a hand for heidi everybody all right we're gonna keep it moving along here make some noise for your next bucket pool buffy everyone buffy one more time for buffy everybody starting now a little girl wins what's happening are y'all having bowel movements Cool. The last guy I dated I called Daddy because he, too, forgot my birthday, ghosted me, and said I was too loud in bed. But I'm finally dating somebody that's not after just one thing. He's after two. Well, three, if we count my mouth. okay buffy we're gonna stop you there wow you got a two and a half jokes out there in 60 seconds took a little while you let the crowd uh kind of be a symphony with you if you will yeah welcome buffy have you done stand-up before i have okay how long have you been doing it i've been on here before you have 743 743 absolutely what are we on now yeah okay perfect thank you you red band what a great partner okay it's like two months ago did it go better last time are you a little are you under the influence of something right now no nothing at all no medicine no alcohol nothing at all uh-huh what is that what's that noise what what is the answer you can tell the truth it's okay we all know it we are positive shakespeare's okay what did you have at shakespeare's just a pitcher just one pitcher with a vodka it's a vodka soda pitcher right okay okay okay okay i had the bucket of Xanax special? Shakespeare's? Holy shit. Cool, cool. You're not driving tonight, are you? No. Okay. All right, good. How do you travel? How do you get around? I typically drive. You typically drive, but you didn't drive tonight. No. Are you sure? You're leaving your car downtown, aren't you? Thank you. No, don't thank me. Just out of curiosity, can we get the breathalyzer? Do we have the breathalyzer? Let's try this. Grab a Narcan just in case while you're at it. We got to dust off the old breathalyzer here. Yeah, here she comes, the lovely Heidi with the breathalyzer. It's taken a few practice runs, but I think Heidi has actually trained on this now. Yes, so here we are, ladies and gentlemen. And do we have the police officer? Can he pop up real quick? Can we get our buddy up here? Is she blowing? She blew for a minute 15 seconds during her set. This should be pretty easy. Here's our resident police officer. Make some noise for Barbosa. What do we got? What's the reading there? It says flow. FLO, what does that mean, Barbosa? Flow? And flow. You know what that means? Why don't we try it again? Heidi has the technical abilities of an absolute blow-up doll, ladies and gentlemen. It's incredible. There she is. She's blowing, everyone. The breathalyzer can't get herpes twice, I heard. There you go. There's something happening, Heidi. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, it's a real breathalyzer. And the answer is. It's on a loading screen, and. What the fuck? Oh,.15. So hold on. Let Bart both. Tim, give Barbosa that microphone real quick. I don't know what that means. Well, he's about to tell you. What would.15. What would that win her if you pulled her over? What would.15. She get a little joke book, big joke book? Definitely a big joke book and a trip to jail. Ah, I love it. We got to make sure. Keep an eye on her tonight. Don't let her hit the streets. D-Madness, too. Don't let him drive tonight either. Yeah, that's pretty high, right? That is high. I believe that's twice over the legal limit. Yeah. You performed like you were three times over the legal limit. So that's the good news. No, this changes everything. She started to find a rhythm by the end, and I think it makes it actually pretty impressive. That is amazing. You may have found your voice. How about a hand for Officer Barbosa, ladies and gentlemen? Always amazing. The Austin Police Department. That's a real police officer. That's how present they are. In L.A., you could call them, and it'll take an hour and a half for them to show up. Here it's like, hey, can you come up here real quick? Texas justice over here. Have you gotten a DUI before? Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Only one? Only one. Very good. What'd you blow on that one? The cop. Yeah, how much? Huh? Do you remember what you blew? It was in 2013. Oh, that's a whole different time. Back then, a.15 was worth.18. Right. Buffy, what do you do for work? How do you survive? So. What is so funny? I didn't even answer. You're drunk. You signed up for this show. I know. I'm so excited. Hell yeah. No, I'm a stunt driver. I told you that. Oh, I remember you now. I'm that person, yeah. Okay. Have you been working lately? No, I'm in Austin. Okay. So how do you make money when you're in Austin? Well, I saved up some money to be here. Okay. All right. All driving is stunt driving after you've had a few. She's drifting in other lanes and shit like that. Amazing. - And Buffy, what's your love life like? You're here in Austin, Texas, a bunch of rock stars all around you, musicians all over. that I've been on the show. - Oh. I've been offered a lot of ski trips. Is that a code for something? Yeah. Guys want to do cocaine with you on 6th Street. No, no. Let's take a ski trip to Shakespeare's. Half-price pitchers. Is that real? I've been jacking off two guys. Yeah. No, when I was on here, I mentioned about not wanting to date older men because they were writing off activities like skiing, and so men in my DMs were offering me ski trips. Wow. Amazing. I'm like, they have money, so I should take them up on it. Did you take anybody up on it? One guy offered me, like, golf lessons, and so we're going to have, like, a golf lesson. Tony and Lance are looking for a third for tomorrow. I don't know if you feel like driving the golf cart. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's called a threesome, not a third. Forced threesome, forced threesome. Lance, you old dog. Buffy, what else do you. You told me to say that. What. Buffy, what else do you do for fun? What else makes Buffy Buffy, other than the stunt driving and the attempting comedy? What else? Oh, no! Attempting comedy. Oh, okay. Did you just piss a little? Yeah. What the hell was that? I've never seen anyone get drunker without drinking on stage. This is incredible. This is, like, a delayed release. Alcohol. Wait, what? Other than the comedy and the stunt driving, what else do you do? And makes me leak a little? What? God. Bitch, you're retarded. There she goes, everybody. Buffy. You already have a little joke book, right? No, I have a big joke book. Well, you fucking fucked it up tonight. There you go. There she goes, Buffy, everybody. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes you've done it. Can I grab your car keys real quick? Sometimes you've done good, you get a big joke book, and then the next time you get a little overconfident, you fucking have a pitcher of vodka next door. And then there she goes, everybody. Buffy, everyone. Buffy, the vodka pitcher slayer. Well, I have a very, very special treat for all of you. Ladies and gentlemen, a very, very, very, one of the greatest comedians in the world is here to bless us for a moment of stand-up comedy. Not only is he one of me and Lance's favorite golf friends, he's also one of the coolest guys in the world, and like I said, one of the greatest comedians in the world. The guy that got this whole Austin party started. Make some fucking noise for the one and only Ron White. I just came in from Los Angeles, and my favorite thing about Los Angeles, Tony, is that the people out there, and you know I've always been kind of pro-California, which is not always a popular thing, you know, but the people out there are just so goddamn pretty, and I'll tell you how it happened. Back in the 1920s, they started making movies out there, and all these beautiful people from all over America flocked the fuck out there to be in the movies, and they couldn't all be in the movies. Some of them got regular jobs, but they met those people that were in the movies, and they got together, and they had these beautiful babies. And those babies grew up and met other babies from the same area. They got together and had even more beautiful babies. And almost the exact opposite thing is happening right now in Kansas. Kansas is full of ugly quitters. Have you ever been there? It's true. Those people that live on the West Coast, their forefathers got on the Oregon Trail and fought hardships you and I can't even dream of with starvation and weather and crossing the Rocky Mountains. Not those people in Kansas. Their forefathers got on the Oregon Trail in St. Louis, Missouri. They got to Kansas and said, fuck it, I'm staying here, and I'm going to fuck that fat girl right over there. We had a baby. It looks like a potato. And that potato grew up, and met another potato from the same town, and that's a downward spiral. Topeka. That's exactly how that fucking happened. I generally just popped in to say hi. That is amazing. You guys get to see exactly how the fuck it's done. That's the difference between a bucket pool and a regular and one of the greatest of all time. Ron White, you are the fucking man. All right, man. Good to see you guys, man. Just wanted to say hi. We'll see you in a little bit. We'll party after this. Come on, guys. One more time for Ron fucking White. Holy shit. What a show we have tonight. Unbelievable. Hey, what do we have over here? What do you. Oh, this guy. You want to come say hi? Pop out real quick. Look at this. It's like the Ron White. Royal Rumble tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely anything can happen. Popping in also to say hello, another one of the greatest comedians of all time, absolute comedy royalty, the son of Mitzi Shore, movie star, comedian. This is Pauly Shore. Thank you. What's up? How's it going, dudes? Thank you. What's up? So I did Acid recently. Anyone else do Acid? The thing is, if you do Acid, don't do it at the fucking Sphere in Las Vegas. That's fucking gay. I did it in the back of one of those Waymos. Holy shit. The Waymos are the fucking cars with no one fucking driving. I started freaking out. I started fucking driving the car. And after that, I gave myself two stars. Two stars. Two stars. At least I'm not sober like gay-ass fucking Charlie Sheen, bro. What a fucking sellout this guy is. Right? Anyone here sober? That's not fucking cool, dude. I have friends that are sober. I got this one friend that's sober. He doesn't do shit. I'm like, you can't have a glass of red wine with your fucking dinner, bro. He's like, if I do that, don't want to snort an 8-ball. I'm like, how the fuck do you go from wine to a fucking 8-ball? He goes, I don't know. You fucking tell me. And I have another friend of mine who smokes pot every day. You guys got these friends? He's throwing the marijuana he puts in his food. Went to his house the other day, had some chicken pot pot pie. Pauly motherfucking Shore. There you go. On to the next one. We're flying through it tonight. Thank you for having me. Make some fucking noise for Pauly Shore. This is a goddamn party. Thank you for having me on your program. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Now make some fucking noise for Shane Gillis. No, I'm kidding. That's all right. I don't ever do that. I lied. I lied. That was very naughty of me. Oh, this drunk guy's furious. Oh, yes. Yes. Oh, I love it. I love it. I love it. And yet you pay for this. Oh, I love it. All right. Some poor innocent soul out of the bucket has to follow Ron White and Pauly Shore back to back. Make some noise for Liv Taylor, everybody. It's not Shane. Okay, I realize that I do look like I would never turn to you down a foot long, okay? I do hate Subway, though. I think it's overrated. Any Subway fans in here? Okay, a couple. I think it's overrated, but also, like, I just think their subs suck. I think, like, I hate Subway because they managed to convince the entire world that Jared Fogle, the Subway guy, we all remember him, right? Managed to convince the entire world that Jared Fogle, the Subway guy, lost over 250 pounds by only eating Subway and not fucking kids. Guys, we all know the saying. Weight loss is what? Diet and exercise, okay? I've never fucked a kid, but I imagine it would take a lot of work, okay? That's all I'm saying. I don't know. Okay, Liv Taylor. It's a tough spot you were in, Liv. That was a rip. It was back. You said Shane, and I'm like, where the fuck is he, dude? Like, stop. I know, I know. You had to sweat it out back there, literally and metaphorically. Yeah. Liv, welcome back to the show. You've been on before. Yes. What do we find out about you, Liv? Remind us what we know about Liv. A lot of sad shit. It's okay, though. I'm a. Dad alive? I'm an orphan. Mom. Dad is alive. Mom's dead. Mom's dead. How did Mom die? She got hit by a car. Oh, wow. Okay. I was waiting for it. It's always some siren or horn or some sort. Liv, has anything changed since the last time you were on this show? What's going on with you? What's up in life? I'm, you know, just working, surviving. What do you do for work? I'm a vet tech. Okay. I work in. How are the animals? Good? Yeah, they're. I mean, I take it day by day. Any weird animals come in lately? I had a really, really sad case today. It was a. It's called a septic abdomen, which is basically, like, an intestine, something perf, so all the grossness gets inside, and you gotta go in surgery and figure it out. I do the anesthesia part, so I keep the animal asleep. Dog or cat? It was a dog. Oh. Did it survive the surgery? It did survive the surgery. I'm very proud. Wow. It did survive. Seems like. Is there a butt coming there? It looked like. There was a butt. They did decide. They elected to euthanize after that. Wait a second. It fucking sucked. No, I cried. It sucked. It was one of those situations where it was just a lot of money, and it was another situation with the dog. It was very, very young, and it was, like, a lifelong thing that they would have had to deal with. What was the lifelong thing? It had what's called, like, a liver shunt, so basically, it only had a. It didn't metabolize things very well, so it only had, like, a certain lifespan, so it was like. It would have probably lived to maybe four years old. Could they have fed it till it exploded? If it obstructed, for sure. For sure, yeah. Is it true veterinarians have, like, a higher suicide rate than any other profession? It is the number one. Number one profession for suicide rate, 100%. Explain to us why that is. Because they're all wearing fucking chokers. Yeah. There's a lot of us that wear these in that profession. I mean, you just got to think about it. Like, human medicine and veterinary medicine don't work the same, so, like, insurances work the same. It's very costly, you know, when you have things happen with your animals, like emergencies and stuff, so, like, people just can't afford it. Oh, yeah. I'm upside down on a cat right now. People. $2,500 on a cat I don't like. What's happening with your cat? He ate half of a Nerf dart, and it got stuck in his bowel. Obstruction. Obstruction, I'm telling you. And a fucking dumb, chubby bitch charged us $3,000 to get it out. She's right next to you. I saved your fucking cat, okay? Be thankful. That's years of schooling. You're welcome. Wow. Amazing, Liv. What else is going on in life? You have a boyfriend? Uh, yeah, yeah. Oh, boy. Yeah, kind of, sort of. Well, I mean, I do. I'm also a widow, so I've just started getting. Your guy died in a car accident. Correct. Wow, everything with cars. Yeah, lots of cars. Yeah. Yeah, it's wild. You're a widow, too? Believe it or not, I'm a woman, but I'm an excellent driver. You know what I mean? You can ask anybody. I don't care what anybody's. I am actually a really good driver. Anyways, that's why I'm still alive, okay? Anyways. It's amazing. You're a good driver, and you do euthanasia. If you rewind it, it's a great joke. Okay. Okay. Yeah, so I'm still, like. I started seeing somebody when I first got here, and we were, like, seeing each other for a while, and I kind of just got into, like, this, like, panic mode, I think, where I didn't expect to see him. I didn't exactly know what I wanted, and I kind of just wanted to be by myself, but I think it's more so just, like, I want to figure out who I am as a person outside of being with somebody else. I know. I know. It's so sad. I'm back with this person. We'll make it exciting. I fuck, Tony. I fuck, okay? What do you mean when you say that? Fuck. What exactly do you mean? I fuck. Yeah? But, like, when you say that so aggressively, what exactly do you mean by that? All the dogs. Yeah. I mean, you know, like, I guess very straightforward said, like, you know, lady in the streets, freak in the sheets kind of thing. Now, is dog squirt also piss? That's a good question. I'm sorry. Lance wanted me to know. No. This shit has to stop. Yeah, I agree, Lance. It's not going great. No, but I did see. What did you see? I did see a dog clitoris for the first time a couple weeks ago. Let's go. Tell us about it. They're evolving. This is good news for Red Band. I mean, basically, the dog came in because the owner saw, like, a mass on the vulva, which. For men, that's the outside of the vagina, just so you know. That's what it's called. There you go. How much pressure do you got to put on them? Are you supposed to be inspecting your pet's vulva and I didn't know that? I mean, it's kind of there for you to see. You know, you can see if a dog's a male or a female just by looking at it, you know? For sure, but, you know. I mean, they were looking. They're looking pretty close, but. It's funny that. It was just, like, right there. They said it was, like, a fleshy mass, and then just looking at it, the dog. That's how most guys would describe a clitoris in this room. Like, what is that? I don't even know what that is. What's that fleshy mass on the outside there? She's like, I don't know. I think that's her clitoris. So was it a. Sure enough, it was her clitoris. Was it a big clit? It wasn't. It was just. It was just not. It's not. That's not normally where it's, like. What kind of dog was it? What kind of. What was the breed? It was, like, a doodle thing. It was stupid. It was a doodle thing with a. Yeah. You know how they mix everything with poodles? Yeah. They call them doodles. Like, everything's a doodle now. Do you know it's Instagram? Bread, man. Oh, my God. I'd love to have her on the secret dog show Thursday afternoon. You're getting a little bone. How much would it cost to get my dog's vulva bigger? And, like, some. Like, nine breast implants. That's a whole different specialty, dog. That's a whole different specialty. Red Band asked him to ask that question. Wow. So, wow. My job's a lot of fun. It can be. The job is fun. Yeah. Wow. And they have clits. Yeah, it's crazy. Your dog has a clit. If you have a female dog, it has a clit. Amazing. Do dogs squirt? Is that a thing during sex? Yeah. Is that possible? Just out of curiosity. Expressing glands? No. Expressing glands? Expressing anal glands. That's different. That's different, Red Band. I have seen a male dog, like, you know how you'll see funny videos of dogs just, like, humping the air? I've actually seen a dog, like, finish. Wow. It was. It's. Ew. It's fucking. It was weird, but, I mean. Did it pull out? Like, how did it. No, it was just in the air. Like, he. Whoa, she does fuck! Hold on. Don't leave me hanging, dog. Hell yeah. Amazing. Liv, what size joke book did you get last time you were on? I got a big one. Okay, well, there you go. Keep filling it up. There goes Liv Taylor, ladies and gentlemen. All right, let's get one last bucket pool up here. Your final bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Ian Sharp, everybody. Ian Sharp. Ian Sharp. Here we go. We're gonna put our little ribbon on it after this. Wow, thank you guys so much. Thank you for having me here. Thank you for welcoming me into this. on this stage into this free speech zone where I can say whatever I want with no repercussions whatsoever. Not like out in old free speech zone. You guys know what I'm talking about, right? Can you believe there's things I can't say today in America? For example, Arnold. Arnold. pop fuck arnold pop arnold you know that drink it's like half sweet tea half lemonade arnold pop fuck i can't say it wish they'd change it you know to something i can say like i don't know like retard water you know i can say that anytime i want reach it just rolls right off the tongue you know some people get mad at that joke right they say it's like it's punching down they say but if you pay attention it's not about anybody right like i'm not calling anybody that i'm not anti-retard i'm pro-choice shit was that a minute was that not a minute jesus hi and thank you is this your first time on the show yes so i counted as my first my first time on the show so i counted as my first time on the show so i counted as my first my first time was on like a turbo round so i just went up and did my minute and then you guys got me out of here okay was that a vulcan uh no it was here it was here it was like the record-setting most uh guests ever on the show that okay well you're a part of history welcome back ian this went better right uh absolutely yes i love it how long you been doing stand-up oh god like 14 years 14 years wow where at uh chattanooga tennessee wow what keeps you in chattanooga uh well nothing i moved here all the pussy dogs have clits now uh ian what do you do for work i do it tech support okay let's go senior it correspondent tim butterly yeah look help desk is that's where you start out you don't make any money everyone thinks you're a fucking creep and they treat you like dog shit so it's like this is a bro i feel so seen right now hell also real quick i really liked your stuff i thought that was a a really great uh bit and uh i was really impressed thank you i don't think they gave it up enough i really love that shock you are adorable ian you really are what's the rest of your life like what do you do when you're not doing stand-up or doing it uh a lot of dnd i play like i paint miniatures never mind dungeon all everything you would expect just by looking at me dragons what else other than dnd there must be other things you magic the gather do any warhammer uh i'm a sort of warhammer i'm a sort of warhammer i'm a sort of warhammer kind of i mean i play other games like warhammer but i mean you guys don't want to hear about that i don't want to go into all that but uh you know i mean i i bro you're playing knockoff warhammer that's deep shit man do you have a girlfriend uh what do you think have you ever humped the air and came tony it's like there before the grace of god go i man god bless you brother you watch porn ian what do you think it's a great it's a great interview you're killing it just like that could be every answer to every question what would we find if we looked at your porn search history what would we find ask me what i think so you want a real answer yeah i want real answers here no yes liver shunt septic gut oh that's over the line all right what would be your honest search history give us something good here and honest i i like the older ladies oh wow have you ever kissed an older lady in austin texas have you not in austin really is there an older lady out there that wants to come up and give this guy a kiss that's a man for sure we have the best fans in the world is there a woman over we'll say 40 or 50 out there anybody still that guy really wants to get on stage really there's not a i guess there's not even really an older woman this lady doesn't want it you can't suggest people sir no they have to want to do it come on there's got to be someone out there what about this lady sitting sitting with the male mermaid man i'm looking at you yeah where that's your husband holy shit where's the lady that blew a point what the fuck did i sign up right now there's nobody we don't have a four-year-old we don't have a hero out there there's no older ladies people are points still pointing that's a man everybody there's some guys that are so drunk that they are still pointing at the same guy nobody all right well someone run out this is like real quick and find one this is like my life for begging people to kiss me it's no no no dude no way fuck it i don't know what about like a regular age lady or something yeah we do like a glory hole kiss maybe yeah i'll be on the other side waiting for you so ian have you gotten no no sexual partners whatsoever you're not interested what i mean i wouldn't say that i've done pretty well i love what how dare you tony i'll do all right i do okay enough to not be sad about it that's cool man yeah you seem happy i like you ian i like you thank you guys um anything else crazy we should know about you before i let you go uh i mean i don't know i used to kind of be in a marginally successful metal band when i was younger oh wow what was the name of the metal band oh this is this is where it gets rough uh we were called with faith or flames we were a christian metal band wow what what what did you play in the band i was the vocalist i was really that guy can you give us an example can you get can you give us a it's been a while but i'll try are the songs copywritten on youtube or uh so uh i don't think so i mean like i think all the rights have gone back to us at this point it's been that long yeah it'll probably set it off but yeah can you do it slightly out of tune you want me like you just want me to holler do you have an original yeah just holler wow that's amazing ian here's a big joke book we love you and hell yeah ian sharp ladies and gentlemen yeah all right there's only one way to end an episode like this and what an episode it's been we have the great lance armstrong matt mccusker tim butterly we've seen so much is sir winston pickles deadrick ron white polly shore ladies and gentlemen i present to you the record holder for all-time appearances all-time interviews a living member of the kill tony hall of fame the greatest kill tony regular of all time ladies and gentlemen this is the memphis strangler the vanilla gorilla the big red machine william mcdowell who is the luckiest man in america amy schumer's husband she's divorcing him i was driving through oklahoma this weekend and noticed signs that said do not pick up hitchhikers they may not be able to pick up hitchhikers they may not be able to pick up hitchhikers they may not be able to pick up hitchhikers escaped prisoners uh what so there are just so many escaped prisoners in oklahoma that motorists need to be warned here's an idea use less steel on the escape prisoner warning signs and more on the jail cell bars maybe it's just me but i feel like beethoven's fifth symphony is when he really sold out his first ep though i wrote a summary of jesus sermon on the mount and i think i'm just gonna call them cliff notes okay that's my time wow he's done it again exactly one minute for the man that's done it more than anybody ever william lights out mcgumball's montgomery wow how's it going what a performance so nice to see i'm feeling much better this week i've been on the row machine and also lance i really i grew up watching bicycling with my father and there's a funny story my mother was in town maybe a year and a half ago and we see you up in the thing and my mom was like yeah william and his dad used to bike a lot william's dad was pretty fast not as fast as you and without missing a beat you say yeah no shit it was hilarious it really was i didn't say that i'm kidding it really is an honor though later i remember that i i your mom was sweet i feel like i'm gonna say that i followed you on instagram i was like this is this is cool this is yeah and i didn't say right i thought it but i didn't say yeah fair enough that's right that's right william uh was a big time bicyclist back in his day still you're about to say bisexual well still has the calf muscles your legs are absolutely ripped you still got it it's amazing that your legs don't match your head at all i know i just continue to lose all my and I look sicker and sicker. I'm starting to look like Red Bane a little bit. The face, a little bit. Lance, don't you think you're still a very fit guy? Don't you think Redman needs to do some sort of exercise? I think his fucking fat ass needs to do some sort of exercise. Maybe for his New Year's resolution. He can start losing a little weight or something. Don't you think even biking can help? I think something like that can help. Because Redman, Lance, listen to this. Redman gets a fucking, he finally gets a bike a couple years ago. But it's the kind of bike with a motor on it. And it is true. You can't even make it up. And to this day, the pedals are just spotless. That thing, straight motor. Got no pedals. Didn't you have a poster of Lance on your wall growing up? Yes, I had many pictures of bicyclists on my wall. And you were up above. Okay, Redman. Redman. I think Redman had a bunch of Miss Piggy posters. Yeah. All on his ceiling like a fucking weirdo. Let's check in with Tim Butterly. Redman, do your tires still have those little tiny rubber spikes going on? No, he uses the motor. He uses the hell out of the motor. He's had to change the oil. There's no oil. No, I know. It's electric. They're electric. And it's two motors to get my fat ass up the hill. But seriously, do you ever ride that thing? No, I do all the time. Really? In Pflugerville? Yeah. I mean. I don't ride it much downtown because you can't really park it anywhere. But yeah. Oh, that's why you don't ride your bicycle. Yes. It's the parking is the problem. It's like a $5,000 bike. Oh, yeah. Lance, maybe you can inspire Redman by letting him ride on your pegs for a little while. Hold on. Lance doesn't use pegs? Dumbass. What the fuck? What kind of cyclist do you think Lance is, dude? Seriously. He's not a BMX rider, dumbass. He's not using pegs. Seriously. William is. I got your back, Lance. I mean, can you believe? Yeah. Appreciate it. William is on fire tonight. By the way, all the poster talk, all this shit, you didn't follow me back. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Fact. Fact. On the tonight, Lance. Let me do it tonight right after this. No, too late. Block him, Lance. Yeah. Stop. Stop. Yeah. Block his ass, dude. He's a fake fan. If I could have your mom up there or everything, I was nice. Nothing. Wow. Why is that, William? Why didn't you follow him back? I don't know. I'm weird about it on there. I try to. There's no excuse at all. Oh, my gosh, Lance. Oh, my gosh. Let me ask you this. Why don't you name my friend Lance's three biggest wins? I mean, my personal favorite, what was it? 99 was your first Tour de France win. Was it a 99? That was my favorite, honestly. Yeah. Everyone knows Tour de France. Against motherfucking Jan Ullrich. I remember that shit. Fucking Pontani. Yeah. I follow you, Lance, and I sent you a picture of a woman's butt a couple months ago. Yeah. You might know Red Band's won the Tour de Italy at the Olive Garden. Yeah. He's set the record. Hey, I got a hack for you. You want to hear it? It's a tour of Italy. Because I don't like the chicken parmesan. You just get a regular lasagna and a kid's Alfredo. And as a second side, you're allowed to choose apples or spaghetti. You get the spaghetti, and it makes a better tour of Italy. Wow. Look at the momentum of the show. Completely come to a halt, everybody. We were all laughing there for a while. Red Band, be careful. I swear to God, I picture your fucking ass finally having your deadly heart attack. Fucking your face hitting the children's spaghetti. That's so sad. That's so sad. William Lights Out Montgomery. We love you. What an appearance. So nice to be here. Thank you. One more time for William, everybody, and we did it. Thanks to Prize Fix and Shopify. Tim Butterly has The Algonauts, the fourth Tuesday of every month, with Matt McCusker, who's got his special Humble Offerings on Netflix right now. How loud can this place get? He had no reason to join us. Other than being a cool guy. Motherfucking Lance Armstrong. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, that's a Matt McCusker. Look at that. That's amazing. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in. Red Band. Check out Sunset Strip, ATX.com, secret show every Thursday. We love you guys. I don't know if it's sold out yet or not, but Kill Tony, the actual show Kill Tony, is going to Houston and Dallas in February. In March, actual tapings of the real show. So check that out if it's still available. And we love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. We'll be right back. the sunset strip comedy club in austin texas is now open check out red band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.