#749 - SLY STALLONE (KYLE DUNNIGAN) + TONY YAYO

Hey, this is RedBan, and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHengeCliff.com for everything the golden pony, TonyHangeCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? And that is the best damn band in all of the land. This is the number one live podcast in the world, Killtony, brought to you by Talkspace. How we doing tonight, huh? Make some noise to the great role, but they hope for Nando Castillo, Carlos, Sosa. That is the great Charles Reed, the third joining us, Matt Mjoling on the Electric John Dees on the Keys, and believe it or not, that's not a guy dressed up for Halloween. This is the real demadness live in the flesh. What a fucking overloaded show we have for you tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Killtony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th, and Dallas, March 28th. Go to TonyHingeCliff.com for tickets right now, come see an actual Killtony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th, one in Grand Prairie, March 28th, TonyHingeCliff.com, get tickets now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Every single week, I booked this goddamn show myself and I cannot believe that I was able to secure these two guests tonight. I mean, you know, sometimes we go a little off the rails with exactly who we have. Sometimes it's, you know, two of the biggest comedians on Netflix. Sometimes it's two of the biggest comedians on this and the dad and the blah, blah, blah, blah. Tonight is very special. Tonight is one of the greatest actors of all time with one of the greatest rappers of all time. Yeah, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you tonight's guest Sylvester Stallone in Tony H.O. Yeah. Oh my God. Make the fucking noise. All right. Tony H.O. Welcome. Sylvester Stallone. Wow. This is a first. What are you doing? To be here, Sylvester Stallone. Welcome. Yeah. For Asian, you know, for Asian Tony, he says, hey, you want to do a kill Tony, you know? Yeah. And I was like, what's that? And then he told me you get a lot of views, so I said, you know what? Just go along. Just gonna do it. So, Sylvester Stallone is here. How about a hand for the great Tony A.O. in here, ladies and gentlemen? The real report coming out just after New Year's Eve, the great Tony A.O. I just-- You know, a lot of barbecue. Make some noise for that barbecue. Hell, yeah. I like that name, A.O. because it's got a yo in it. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. In the beginning, like you like yours. Yeah. It's Stallone. You the man, bro. You the man. Stallone and A.O. are here. You guys are both first time guests, so let me tell you how it works. Over 300 innocent souls, hopeful, hopeful motherfuckers have signed up for tonight's show. They are loaded up in a bar, next door, hoping to get pulled out of this bucket. If they are, they get 60 seconds of stand-up comedy time uninterrupted. Another time is up in here. The sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm going to let this Filipino masseuse pick the first name of the night. Let's see if we have a happy ending here from this. Oh my goodness. And the first name has been pulled while we go wrangle that person. We're going to have one of our elite Golden Ticket winners start the show with a minute of uninterrupted stand-up comedy. He was discovered here on Killtony, given a Golden Ticket immediately on an episode with a record, I think, 22 bucket pulls. We could not find anyone funny. One night at Valken Gas Company, about three or four years ago, and we just kept pulling and pulling and pulling in a very fast turbo round. Finally, we found this man with no voice after two appearances. How he Mandel discovered him on this show, rushed him on America's Got Talent, got second place because they sabotaged his final appearance. And now he is here for us. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the Golden Ticket winner, the great Aaron Belyle, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Here he is. The line in the butt, taking the mic out of the mic stand. It's a real circus, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is, the great and powerful Aaron Belyle, moving the mic stand and grabbing his phone and any second now, the show will begin. Here it comes and here we go in three, two, one. To get the American experience, I went out shooting the other day. I shot a 308 in the clay and a handgun. What kind of idiot would give me a rifle? That's just irresponsible. They were super cool about it. The guy hands me a handgun, but they didn't notice that when they handed me the gun. They all took like three steps back. They're like, this is America, so we are going to let him shoot. But also, this very special boy is definitely going to shoot one of us. Luckily, I had my handicap pass, so I just shot everything. So there's a serial killer in Austin, Texas that has been killing a bunch of people at Lady Bird Lake. I have a big secret. It was me. And I tried to turn myself in and tell them it was me. And they were like, no, you're not, stop playing. A bunch of Abelist assholes. People always underestimate me. I could totally drown a dude in a lake. I almost drown every time I go into a lake. The great Aaron Baleil has started things off for us tonight. I believe that, I believe everything you said. Can you swim? Do you know how to swim? Perfect. So you and Tony A.O. have the same swimming style. Still don't know how to swim, man. How about you sliced alone? What's your swimming skills like? You know, this guy just punched the water, you have to get up from the top of it, and then put it down. Come on. Here we go. And Baleil has things been going for you. You've been out on the road. You worked with Steve O. took you all over the place, as of though. I had about 23 shows last month all sold out. Wow. I can get a Corvette that I can't drive and get the license plate. I drool. Look at that. I love it when you say something, but the crowd applaud. Because you don't know if they're going to applaud or not. And then they applaud over whatever the rest of what you just said was. You want to hit that? Do you have the same-- do you have that button loaded up again? Here. Just hit it again. I need a moment to type a response. Oh, shit. Please. All right. Now, it was a good time to say that this episode is brought to you by Talk Space. Oh. Is that from you? Oh, that's copyrighted music here. Pause that. Oh, it's not. Wow. You knew it. You checked. It's fair use. Wow. Look at that. Good job, Aaron. If this gets us a strike on YouTube, I'm going to break your good arm. I swear to God. I swear to God. It's a fucking $40,000 mistake if you fucking. Is that really coming from your phone? All right. Hit pause. That's psychotic. We get the joke after like 10 seconds. All right. What else is going on, Aaron? It's a hell of a gold chain. I got to tell you. I don't know. What fucking claw machine you got it out of. [ Laughter ] (audience laughs) Probably your own. His left arm is a claw machine, ladies and gentlemen. If you put a quarter inside of him-- A guy got arrested at my show this weekend. A guy got arrested at your show. Oh my goodness. Uh-oh, he's got something he starts making that noise. You know something's common, here we go. He tried to fight me. Really? Wow, how did that go? Did it pitch? Not well. Is this one of those-- A head? Uh-huh. Oh. Okay, and somehow you came out of the fight the most fucked up. (audience laughs) Aaron, anything else crazy going on? Before we get to this crazy bucket of ours, where we found ya? He's gonna plug a bunch of shit right now. Tickets are available at AaronBelayle.com. I have 26 shows that I need to sell out this month. I need enough money to be able to buy six more gold chains. Christmas is right around the corner. I need a Rolex. Okay, yeah. You got a lot more shows to do. He's like Stephen Walking. (audience laughs) Is that a good singer? Hey, y'all told me that. It was a very good one, Stallone. Do it, dude. You know what I'm saying? It's my toe. (audience laughs) AaronBelayle, you are the young legend. We love you here. You're always a fucking great way to start the show. (audience cheers) And now it has begun. We go to the bucket ladies and gentlemen. This is where we give people that some of them we've never seen before. Some of them have been on before and done good. Some of them have been on before and done bad. Anything can happen. The Filipino princess and the front selected our first bucket pool tonight. And so, we're gonna meet them all together and then interview this person. The whole thing's improvised. You guys get it. Your first bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Lingo Smith, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Here comes Lingo. (audience applauds) Yeah, I shut the hell up. I got one minute, all right? I was talking to my homeboy the other day. I was like, man, I got an addiction. You know what you mean? I said, "Hey, man, I love fat bitches." You know what the fuck you talking about? I said, "Hey, man, chill. You better go get your one." 'Cause while I sleep on a big bitch, when you can sleep on a big bitch. (audience laughs) I like 'em queen size. I had one, she was about 350 pounds. The bitch would build like a linebacker. I swear to God. I love the 'cause she got straight to the point. Like a one day, she was fucking up on a whole bucket of Popeye's fried chicken. She was just, "Hush, hush, hush." She said, "I'm done finishing the bucket of Popeye's fried chicken. I'm gonna suck yo dick." Now, I said, "Oh, shit." Grease it head? Shit was magnificent. Lincoln, she went down, she was sucking the thing. So, God started singing the theme song in that bitch. I said, "Oh, they got a lot of chicken from Popeye's." (audience laughs) Shit. I mean, but the big bitch got carried away. She thought my dick was a drumstick. She bit it for real. I said, "What the fuck?" Shit. Sucking dick to the gristle. Skinny bitch can never. And that's all I got. Where's that? "Lango Smith." I believe every single word of what you set up here tonight. I believe that was honest material that you, true, I think you're talking about your real life. I think I do be loving them fat bitches. I'm like, "Plan." Did she share any of the chicken with you? Were you able to resist the bucket of Popeye's chicken? Hey, we talking fried chicken. Hell yeah, you got to share that. You're damn right. You got to share that? Absolutely. Lingo, what's the biggest girl you've ever been with? She ain't even gonna lie. She'll buy, she'll buy a faux, about faux 50. Oh my God. 50. Faux 50 ladies in general. Oh, yes. I was in there. Oh my God. Now, explain to some of these people. There's some, like, tech nerds here. There's some fucking boring white people that have never been with a faux fitty before. Can you explain to them some of the details and some of the fun facts about an adventure? I'm gonna talk to you, brother. You look curious. Yep. Yeah. I'll try and tell you. You get a big one that's most cushioned for the pushin'. All right? You get a little skinny one. It's stabbing while you clap it. It's bullshit. It's stabbing while they go and take notes on that. Oh, you don't, yeah. Your phone locked up. I love it. I love it. So where do you tend to find some of these girls at Lingo? Are you on the dating apps or are you out on the streets? Man, you know, you can find them anywhere. You can go out church's chicken. Go out there. Did they out there? They in the streets. Yeah. Just different chicken places, it seems. Different chicken places. Is your specialty? Is there an app for that? Is there an app where you could just find chicken places? They need to be one. They need to specialize. Just a good idea. I might fuck around. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. I love it. Lingo, how long have you been on stand-up comedy? Uh, going on about three years. Going on about three? Three years. Where are I? I'm from Orlando. I was okay. I shouldn't have fucking gone with my gut there and guess. You're from Orlando. Do you live here now? Are you still in Orlando? No, I live here, man. I stay at Eastfield. Nice. Nice. I love it. Eastfield. I love it. Fun fact. The between East 5th and East 4th is Fofiti. Um, uh, Lingo, what do you do for a living? Well, I can't tell you that. Really? I can't tell you that. I just got the job. Okay. That's what I got. Can you just tell us the field that you work in? Is it a. What kind of field is it? It's really complicated. I work at the opposite of Microsoft. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. You know, amen. Fuck it. Man, I showed up late the other day. I work at Apple. I work at Apple. Okay. And I ain't going to lie. I don't even know why they hide my black ass. I really. I don't know shit about tech phones. None of that. Like, they beat the A.B.A. We need you to push this Apple care. I don't care. I don't care. I'm going to push it. So you actually working like the Apple store? Yeah. I be selling shit. At the mall? Yeah. Barton Creek. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't care a couple of times. Almost absolutely lost my fucking mind in that place. For real? Yeah. Yeah. I ain't going to lie. I swear to God. The other day, like a group of niggas, they came in trying to steal some shit. I was like, "Hey, man. What the fuck? I had to stop it." What the fuck y'all doing, man? They could do this shit on my lunch break. What the fuck wrong with y'all? I'm just. I love it. Yeah. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. Amazing. So in your three years of stand-up comedy, when did you move to Austin exactly? Um, I moved September. Yeah. I moved September. I'm new as hell out here. Yeah. What have you noticed? What's the difference between Austin and Orlando? The fucking homeless people. The fuck. I wish somebody would have wanted me about these niggas. 'Cause like, they out here. They own mega meth. Like, and they create them. Like, we're back in Orlando. If you got a homeless person, you tell them, like, "I ain't giving you a dollar. This is going about their fucking weight." Here? Bro, I swear to God. I told one, I said, "Hey, man. Like, you know what? Man, in fact, he came to me like DMX." That's what he sounded DMX. He was like, "Hey, oh man, you got a dollar." I was like, "What the fuck?" I said, "Here you go. Get in my dollar." You think? You got more money? Yo, what the fuck? That ain't how this goes. Niggas was robbing me. He was. He was, you got robbed by a homeless guy. Lingo, other than, hell yeah. Other than stand-up comedy, do you have any special skills or talents? Is there, like, you just seem like the kind of guy that's really good at something that would surprise you? You know, hey, I'm glad you asked that shit, man. I feel like I'm beating that freestyling, man. Oh, no way. Really? You can have freestyling. Well, I mean, a winning role. I mean, we have the great Tony Yeo here. Hey! Yes, sir, man. Yes, sir. You didn't recognize us? I was so locked in. I love it. But you know, I appreciate that. I'm mileage. I love it. Then this is Sylvester Stallone. This is the great actor Sylvester Stallone. Yo. Yes, sir. [ Laughter ] Good job. Good job, Megan. Good job. All right. Well, you got a drummer right behind you. Give him a nice little light beat. Not too loud. Because I want to be able to hear him. All right, just how we want to do this. Just how we want to do this. Hey, everybody. We got to stay connected. All right, cool. And then we're going to do a little -- So we're going to do a little American idol after that. We're going to talk, check in with our celebrity judges. The great rapper, producer, Tony Yeo. All right. Yeah, you know what, Tony. You're going to be the judge of this shit, all right? That's what I just said. I don't know what the fuck about happening. All right. Just how we want to -- So let's tell me, every time -- You know what? I got another idea, too. Oh, my bad. You said Sylvester Stallone gave his opinion when I'm down. You go ahead. What were you going to say? Oh, no. I was just about to coordinate the ship. I was already doing that for you. What kind of beef do you want? I'm going to shut the fuck up. Give us out the bird. Really? I just want -- because I know, like, some of y'all don't be understanding what the fuck I'm saying. We understand. Every time -- every time I do this shit, when I do this, so when I -- this, like, look, like this -- I want you -- Just don't play the fucking beat, man. Hey, listen. Just don't play the beat, man. Play the beat. There we go. Play the beat. Oh. Oh. Oh. ♪ Uh, uh, check me, check me, check me ♪ ♪ I studied the camera, I can analyze ♪ ♪ But just a meita, pen, I don't like this beat ♪ ♪ I don't like this beat, I don't like this beat ♪ ♪ Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up ♪ ♪ Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up ♪ ♪ Hold up, hold up, hold up ♪ ♪ Watch, watch, hey, watch me ♪ - All right. - Watch me, watch me, watch me. - Okay. - I'm out the cook, let me cook. - I don't need a band, it's looking at them like, "What the fuck is going on?" That beat was crazy. - That beat was. That beat was great. You want to run it back? Let's run it back. Let's run it back, fuck it, let's run it back. ♪ Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Uh, uh, uh, baby, back in the lift ♪ ♪ Yeah, I studied a game like an analyst ♪ ♪ I was watching you, I'm about to decimate the panelists ♪ ♪ Grab, grab, you bad as hell, you need it ♪ ♪ Hit your dimkin' sweat, bang, bang ♪ ♪ You get no Gucci, I got Hootsies, poppin' hands, bang ♪ ♪ What, whoa, Tony has clips ♪ ♪ I know you're a wrestler ♪ ♪ But you're still a bitch ♪ ♪ Bitch and grease, bitch ♪ ♪ Purchase, ay, get, get, get balls ♪ ♪ Think your mouth knows it ♪ ♪ Your bite flies, then you sweet and in an e-cliff ♪ ♪ Uh, this is realize it, fuckin' gets ♪ ♪ What, uh, you fuckin' really stink ♪ ♪ Like a rolling ring ♪ ♪ Uh, whoever smelt it, fuckin' dealt it ♪ ♪ You're up here suckin' while wearin' black velvet ♪ (audience cheering) ♪ You get outta here ♪ ♪ Here's the big joke, but there you go ♪ ♪ No fuck ♪ ♪ You ♪ (laughs) ♪ Get the fuck outta here ♪ ♪ You ain't getting me, this is my universe ♪ ♪ You did good buddy, great stuff, there he goes ♪ ♪ Like a smith ♪ ♪ Don't you come at me with your free styles ♪ ♪ Oh my God ♪ ♪ Oh my God, there she is ♪ ♪ Don't shoot for trying a free style of me on my own show ♪ ♪ We all have our own secret special skills and talents ♪ ♪ Uh, that's right ♪ ♪ I rhyme, smelt it, and dealt it ♪ ♪ With velvet, ladies and gentlemen ♪ ♪ Not easy to do ♪ All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jason Robo, everybody, here we go. (upbeat music) So we've got no BCD epidemic. Was I like to say more baby fat than a dumpster or an abortion clinic? We used that joke made to its infancy. It's no surprise as far as eating healthy is concerned. They've literally tossed the salad. Come on, that joke eats ass. Heart disease number one, cause of death. Fun fact, it causes erectile dysfunction. I think that's your body telling you it's not fucking around. Ser arteries are stiff. Diabetes is another major health issue which also causes blindness. I thought it was just a fucked up weight loss program where you chop your feet off. All right, that one can be a stumper. Yeah, they don't want us healthy to medical mafia. If you were healthy, then they couldn't make a cutoff here. Then they want your change when you go to the store to cure shit like Alzheimer's. You think, I mean, the fucking nursing homes are the main reason why people go to nursing homes because of Alzheimer's. Do you think they want to cure that shit? Forget about it. All right, Jason Robo, ladies and gentlemen, is your first time on this show, right, Jason? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome. Are you as homeless as you look? No, I just went to Ecuador. You went to what? Ecuador. Ecuador. Okay, and you came back like this. Iron Oscar. Sylvester Stallone, what do you think? No, there's one. Does the dog know it's homeless? What is it? It's a tiny house on wheels. A little different. A little higher class. Is it an RV? No, it's a ATV trailer converted. ATV trailer. Okay. And it's connected to like a truck or something? Yeah, I got to tell you how to pick up. Okay, cool. I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up? About 13 years I did activism in college, try to start a revolution, eat shit, and all the people that voted for me got fucked over. You do look like the kind of guy that tries to start a revolution. What was the revolution that you tried to start exactly? Fighting against the war on drugs and. Wait, you're against the war on drugs? You look like the frontman of the drugs. Were you fighting for the drug side? Which side were you on? I was against like, they make campus legal use in racism against Mexicans basically. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's separate the words a little bit. You're talking in cursive right now. Okay, so what? It's alright, right. Nice and enunciated. 13 years of stand-up. I would need to be able to understand you here. So what? What about cannabis in Mexicans and racists? Oh, they used to. They said the super-strength, stony bloodthirsty Mexicans are gonna rape their way across America or some crazy shit. Kind of like the killer bee thing that didn't happen. Oh, this is amazing. Okay. That last comedian that just walked off. Did you ask him for money recently? And then ask him for more money right afterwards? I'm just kidding. Okay. So you're saying that who was racist? Who? The government? The government and the media basically just want us all hate each other. So I like to say they just like to rub shit in our third eye and make a more matured eye. Okay. Alright. Okay. What do you. What do you. What do you do? Like, what does a day look like for you? Like, I know it's not work. I'm guessing you don't have an actual job, right? After I graduated, I worked in the campus industry. I met growers up in Humboldt in Northern California. And yeah, basically that industry has gone down the toilet. So I started doing body work. I stacked a bunch of wellness certificates and fitness and nutrition and stuff. And yeah, so I help people. I do like some pretty intense body work. What kind of body work? What does that mean to you exactly? It's like heavy-duty reflexology. So I use like shark's teeth and like crystals to poke people's toes and fingers. It's hardcore. [ Laughter ] Wow. Yeah. What do you do with the shark's teeth? Let's go one by one here. What exactly do you do with the shark's teeth? There's some people out here that look like they could use some real reflexology help, whatever. Well, I mean, shoes basically like make our feet like this. Imagine if your hands were like that. It would suck, you know what I'm saying? So I mean, a lot of people worried about the shoes, but I'm worried about the shoes. Wow. You have some of the most hippie-dippy nursery rhymes I've ever heard in my life. But I bet you freestyle better than the last guy, believe it or not. Right. So how long have you had this dog for? He's just turned 14. I had him when he was a few months old. Oh, it's adorable. What's the dog's name? He's been the news a couple times, too. He rides in a backpack on a motorcycle and wears doggles. Oh, nice. Okay. All right. The first is good. They put the helmet on the dog. I don't board a motorcycle. Amazing. So like, how do you exactly do you make money now? I go to festivals. So I've been traveling all year. I moved here in March. And yeah, basically just been around for about a month, month and a half. I'll probably try to get on the show a few dozen times. Actually, when I was taking a break from Truman Wheat, I wrote your Wikipedia years ago. You wrote my Wikipedia? Yeah, wow. I've always wondered who the fuck does that. You're back to look it up. Yeah, it says, "Strictly Rebel." Did it have a bunch of rhymes in it? Yeah. No, I just heard you on Rogan and I appreciated what you're doing. And you say you used to be vegan. I'm vegan. I'm like, oh, you're kind of brother or whatever. You know, I just figured I'd burn some time. Yeah. I became a lot happier and more successful when I started eating meat. Just to let you know. It's 13 years. I'm doing good. I don't think I was ever like this. Just like that. No. No, I don't think so. Oh, I lost, man. I don't think so. What is the Drug of Choice nowadays, Jason Robo? I do this thing called "Rape" or "Hapae," is anybody heard of it? Nope. Yeah. It's like a grounding thing. You put on medicinal tobacco, mixed with different medicinal herbs, and you blow it up your nose instead of snorting it. Yeah, okay. It's pretty intense. You blow it up your nose. Yeah, there's different plants. They mix into it. Yeah. Okay. How often do you do that daily? I do it like before and after clients to clear my energy. And, uh, yeah. It's wild. You're like a real guy, huh? This isn't a character or anything. What would I do? Okay. Let me ask you this. What do you think is the most hippie-ish? Like, you know what you are. Like, the crystals and you're wearing a. Yeah, sure. Yeah. That's the nice way of putting it. Yeah. All these things. So I'm going to ask you this. What do you think is the most hippie-dippy thing that you've ever done? Like, I mean, what is that extreme? You know what I'm talking about. Because you know I saw you smile. Should I block it? Shit in a bucket? No, come on. That's. I would expect that of you. I want you to surprise me with this answer. I want to hear the extreme, like, thing where you're like, "God, this is crazy for even me." I'll let you think about that one while I ask you the opposite question. Yeah. What do you think is the most conservative or venture to save an almost Republican-esque thing that you've ever done before? Were you like, "God, this is so against my character, but I'm going to do it anyway." I don't know. Maybe call a cops or some guy attacking me with a knife? OK, call the cops on somebody. While being attacked with a knife, this is how these people think, by the way. Like, oh, I don't really want to do it. This is so conservative. But I guess I'll do it since I'm being stabbed right now. Since we have a Lucienari, man. I usually have a knife, too, but yeah. You have a knife? Not with me. Not with you. But yeah, where did this happen? Where did the attack with a knife happen? It was in Northern California, actually. It was right on my bike to house it a grow scene. To the what? It's an indoor grow grow scene, as we call it. There was a guy last week talking about being a grower, yeah. OK. OK, let's go back one more time. Let's see if you thought of anything. The most hippie-ish thing you've ever done, because you are an extreme character. I have to tell you, we've never really had anything quite like you on here. Like, your dog is so at peace. It's a sleep right now. It's like you have them on the same tranquilizers. The long horns give bevo before a big football game. You ever seen this mascot? I fucking love it. And it all makes sense, by the way. It all makes sense. Nothing better for the Texas mascot than a fully grown bull on tranquilizers, just drooling on itself. OK, I've given you enough time to think about this. I don't think the crystals on the toes is like-- All right. If you don't have an answer, Redban has something I'm not just saying. It's about to ask you. It was an hour to do it. Here you go, Redban. Is there a crystal that like really pisses you off? Like, you don't want anything to do with it? I don't know. There it is. Right on cue, everybody. And definite, unanswerable question. I got another diabetes joke about the blindness thing. And basically, the process sugar causes your eyeballs to cloud because of it. So basically, your vision isn't crystal clear. So probably that. That's what I thought you were going to say. There you go. All right, Jason. Pretty, pretty interesting character. So you've been doing stand-up-- did you say 13 years? Yeah, I got 25,000 YouTube subs. I got some mixes on there. My George Carlin mix has 6,000,000 plus views, yeah. What's your-- it's a mix of what? His best material you said he found his true voice after '92. So I use all that. And I like audio level it all. I think you're going to have your best material after '92 as well. The age of '92, perhaps. What about you, too? Fun times today, Jason. Very fun interview. You definitely are an original character. There's a medium-sized jokebook. Jason Robo, ladies and gentlemen. All right, well, I have a special treat for all of you, ladies and gentlemen. One of our elite regulars of all time is here for you. He is a reigning defending Killtony Hall of Fame member that is here to grace us with his presence. I present to you one of the greatest to ever do it here on Killtony with hundreds and hundreds of appearances. This is the long-awaited return of David Lucas. Every body. [MUSIC PLAYING] Yeah. BLM said there's no such thing as black on black crime. Well, what I want to know is, who is that nigga who broke into my house last night? He wasn't white. Trump said that Tylenol is making kids retarded. I do believe him, because the last few bitches I had sex with all had retarded kids. They never let you know they kids is retarded. They just put them in the back of the house and you got to hear that nigga. I was in the middle having sex with this one girl. And next thing I know, her fucking door busts down. And income, six, six, 11 years old, but as Megan and dinosaurs leopards. And I'm like, hey, bitch, what the fuck is that? She's like, that's my autistic son. I'm like, almost shot this nigga, bitch, I didn't. I didn't know you live with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. She was like, let me put him back to sleep. He was having a bad dream. I said, bitch, I'm having a bad dream, right? I just seen a retarded nigga's dick. How you think I feel? She was like, we can fit this fucking. I'm like, I'm good. I don't want no more of that retarded producer pussy you got. My dick is inside of himself. But I don't even fucking bitch with a handicapped kid than a retarded kid, because at least if she got a handicapped kid, she probably drives a van and I like space. And I sit in the front seat and recline my seat on that nigga's legs. I just believe it. I'd be like, shut up complaining. You can't fill them legs anyway. All right, that's my time. Hell yeah, David Buches. Showing us how it's done and done it again. Oh, yeah, squeeze that jacket together. Can you zip that thing up? Tony, yay, yo ain't been this close to a gay nigga since he party with Diddy. Oh, my God. Oh, not me. Not me. I ain't never been this close. Oh, my God. Yes, you did, nigga. Slice Stallone. Have you ever been to a Diddy party? Oh, yeah. Oh, come on. I don't think it was all of them, that dude. That nigga looked like with SpongeBob had the muscles, you know what I'm saying? Exactly. Don't come back Stallone, man. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. That nigga teach retarded power clean. Yeah. Yeah. Do you have this orbit around you? Just gonna come out this Stallone? Come on. I'm a legend, sir. I don't even know who this nigga is with this weird guy on, man. It's Slice Stallone. What are you talking about? It's the actual Slice Stallone. This is like a-- this is like your fight. This is like a different fight, uh, Stallone. It's like Blubber Lang. Yeah. It's like showtime at the Apollo Creed. I think we got Ellen's face with Joe Rogan's midsection. Ellen Rogan, buddy, ask this. A lot, man. That's not funny. I got an ozetic face, try to lose some weight. Yeah, yeah. Tony, yeah, yo, what's up? That nigga look like a poison is snake, you know what I'm saying? He stuck his tongue out before he walked out here to check the temperature in the room, you know what I'm saying? It's cool. All I'm thinking about is that Austin Barbeque and I see you, motherfucker, playing me. The fuck kind of sweats at old, slim fit, nigga, what you got on? Shit off of me, man. When you take that hat off your backscales, come with it, nigga, even-- Yeah, stop it. You look like a retired race horse, nigga. Got that one? What size is that shirt, though, buddy? What is that, a five-dead six-ex? You look like Scooby Doo, daddy, nigga, come on. You got that one. Yeah, but I'm a dude. I believe in you. David Lucas has arrived. All the other kids with the pumped-up kicks were better, right? I love it, David, that-- I don't call you gay 10,000 times, Tony. I don't know what else to call you, it's up to-- I know, OK, very good. I'm joking, bro. Well, I know you're joking, but every time you say that word, we-- Oh, cut it out red, man, my bad. We're going to cut it out. You're a homosexual, ain't you? Nope, you ain't that worried, bro. OK, you can't say homosexual? Yes, you can. All right, it's waiting for you to take a breath. Lorde knows you need it. That is an incredible haircut that you have. What exactly do you ask the barber for when you go in there? The fucking Starlink antenna? Like, what do you-- does your head get its own Wi-Fi? I ask for the Wubby Goldberg thing, and that is crazy. From Sister Ag, that thing is hanging on my thread back there. Look at that. Oh, my God. Oh, you are something else. So, David, what's been going on in life? Man, touring on the killers of Kill of Tony Tour. You know what I'm saying, bro? We're going to a lot of stuff. 2026 is looking real exciting, dog, you know what I'm saying? Yep, and yes, you already know. Kill of Tony, bro. They don't even know how big it's about to be. 2026 is what David sees when he stands on a scale. Now, ow. 2026 is how many U-up techs you got in your phone? U-up, like, a nigga about to come through in, yeah. Yeah. U-up, Tony? That got the eggs. I know you got the meat. That's what the trainer at your gym techs you. Nearly, yep. I'm a cholesterol's up, blood pressure's up, weights up. Everything's up. [SCREAMS] I love it, David. Well, you're one of the best fucking regulars in the show's history. You did it again. So much fun always comes in like a wrecking ball. That's just the way he's shaped. The great David Lucas. Look at his hair. Wave's goodbye. [LAUGHTER] Think it gave me the middle finger there at the end. All right, back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. Your next bucket pool is Ben Dalky. Ben Dalky, everyone. Here we go. [MUSIC PLAYING] I think I have a bad handshake. So I did some research. And apparently, Trump and Bill Clinton are the world's top handshakers. I read that Bill Clinton's handshake is known for being both warm and personal, which is definitely interesting for a guy who rapes. [LAUGHTER] Whereas Trump's handshake is more of a dominant power move, a handshake that makes people go, oh, yeah, this guy rapes. [LAUGHTER] And I've been told, my handshake is both smooth and pliable. A handshake that makes everybody go, oh, yeah, this guy's going to get raped. [LAUGHTER] For some reason, people think I rape. [LAUGHTER] But I'm not strong enough to rape with force. I can only rape with drugs. [LAUGHTER] I'm skinny, and I have skinny arms. But I read that your legs are about twice as strong as your arm. So maybe I should try raping with my legs instead. OK. All right. Well, I feel like we're all going to get raped right now. I mean, that's a rape heavy set, dude. And you do. You have that energy. Have you been on this show before? One time, yeah. OK, I couldn't tell if I've seen you here or just in my nightmares. Ben, remind us how long you've been on standup comedy? Like two and a half years. Two and a half years. And how old are you? 22. 22. OK, so you started young. How's it going for you? Pretty good. Yeah. Yeah? I don't know, not that good. OK. Perfect. Perfect. What do you do for a living? How do you make money? Nothing right now. How do you survive? I have a bit of money from, like, military pension. How much Apple store will hire anyone? How much money do you have saved up? I'm always intrigued by how people survive. Like 30,000. 30,000? OK, good. And you were in the military? No, it's from my grandparents. Whatever. Shut up, I got it. You inherited money from your dead grandparents? Yeah. OK, got it. So you got 30 grand. What's your living situation like? Living in an apartment. By yourself? Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. One bedroom? Yeah. OK, very good. That's amazing. So how do you spend most of your time Ben when you're not to stand up at night? What else? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to take a pair of binoculars, go to the playground. [LAUGHTER] What do you do, Ben? Play a lot of games. Yeah. What kind of games? You ever played Death Stranding? I've never played anything that you've played without a doubt. But I guess the answer is, what is it, Death What? Stranding. And that's a video game? OK. What, is that just online? No, it's online to TV screens, yes. No, it's a very long game, though. It's a very slow game that you're playing, right? Yeah, yeah. I'm not done with it yet. This is our senior video game correspondent. The Duke of Do Nothing over here. So Ben, what do you think is the most interesting thing about your entire life? You're 22 years old. There must be some fun fact about you, something that happened to you before. You're a family trauma story or something interesting about you. I did recently start getting pussy. Oh, my God. There you go. He got it. No, he's getting pussy ladies and gentlemen. And what, so what is this transition like for you? You're getting pussy. Do they-- Tony, do you see a smile? Well, not a-- do you see a smile again? See, you're transitioning. You're getting a pussy is what you're saying. Is that right? That's what everyone thinks, right? Exactly. OK, so how did you start getting pussy, Ben? Take us through this, because if you can get pussy, this is proof that anybody can get pussy. Take us through it, Ben. Honestly, it was completely an accident. Yeah, perfect. Unlike the rapings that you're used to, which are very purposeful rapings. So let's talk about the accidental pussy. Yeah, no, I started banging an open mic. How does that happen? Take us through it. So you perform. She comes up to you and goes, I think you're really funny. I hope you don't rape me. No, she said that she wanted to bully me. And then I was like, that doesn't sound fun. And then I felt gay for not letting her bully me. OK. And then what happened? Exactly what happened? Let her bully me. Right. But what does that mean? Her bullying you, what did she say about you? Do what is bullying to her? She said, I looked like a school shooter. Well, we all thought that. But there must be layers to it, right? Was there more? Well, I mean, for some reason, she's attracted to that. And then what? You took her back to your place? Yeah. Like, botched having sex. Let's talk about it. How did you botched having sex? Here we go. We're getting there. Ben, one step at a time. Just-- every time you say something, just pretend like I go. And then what happened after that? And then it's going to be a good interview. When I go like this, just know that means. OK, go ahead. Now, I'm pretty sure I have a rectile dysfunction, so-- Yeah, so my dick didn't get hard. What was she doing? Was she trying to-- was she using her hand or mouth? How do you know you couldn't get hard? You were there. I know. This is your story. Are you writing it right now? No. OK, so you were there. And then what happens? You guys start making out? Yeah, yeah. Nothing after that, pretty much. It was pretty bad. I mean, not really, but like-- Did you take-- go ahead. Slice it a little. I'm just like, that's not getting pussy. [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] I let them know. She literally just bullied you and then left afterwards. I get it, though. The woman's vagina is a scary place. And every night, three or four weeks, they get their pyramid and it's a total mess. So I get it. Sometimes, going on gets a dysfunction, too. The great Sylvester Stallone. Plugging Kyle Dunnigan dot com on this appearance must be a fan of Kyle Dunnigan's. We've seen this before. Elon Musk plugged Kyle Dunnigan. Bill Mar, the great Bill Mar plugged Kyle Dunnigan. A lot of these big stars come on here. And their careers are so good that they plug Kyle Dunnigan. How cool is that? Who's on a sold-out tour right now all around the country? OK, so did you try to hook up with this girl again after this one experience? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. So-- [LAUGHTER] Eventually, I was able to fuck her, yeah. How were you able to fuck her? I love it, sure. Get it out of your systems. All right, the sound and light. The lighting guy, Kino's going crazy, setting off the lights. How did you find it within yourself? What tricks did you use? What did you do to make it work? Lots of self-talk, I think. Like what? What were you saying to yourself? Positive affirmation. Like what? You are enough. There you go. You got there. Was there anything else you were telling yourself? You are enough. She's not just lying. Wow. Only some of its lies. So amazing. So let's just-- let's face it. So-- OK. So the first time you get hard, right? And you're with her. Was this the second time you guys hung out? I would say so, yeah. I would guess. You would guess, OK? So you get hard and then what happens? Fumble around for a bit. What? Just fumble around for a bit. Fumble around. So what exactly does that mean to you? You just did something with your hand there. What does that mean? Go soft again and gum your worm hurt. Uh-huh. And then-- but then at some point, You were able to tell yourself that you're enough. And then it got hard again. So how long do you think you lasted? You put your wiener inside of her vagina, right? Uh-huh. And then how long do you think that lasted for Ben? 35 seconds. 35 seconds. (audience cheering) Finally, a very straight answer. This is the-- This is-- (audience laughing) And then so at 35 seconds, you feel it starting to happen and you pull out. Yeah. And then where do you finish at? Where did you shoot your load? Honour stomach. Honour stomach, very good. I would have expected something weirder than that. I would have thought you would have been shy and shot it on the floor just on your own pillow or something like that. Like, but wow, you win for it. And did she like it? Did she make any noises or anything? What was she-- What type of noises was she making during this 35 seconds? Can you do an impression? Go ahead, give us a spotlight here, Kino. This is the girl during-- (audience cheering) Go ahead. All right, no one believes that. Bring the lights back up. Slice the loan. You think that's how it went down? Yeah, pretty much. (laughing) Should it go? All right. Were you attracted to her? Was that the problem? Oh, yeah, probably. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You liked her? Yeah, yeah. It was pretty. Yeah. All right. And if you've been doing this regularly since then, or was it just that one time? Not regularly. How often, once a week, every day? What are we talking here? Probably like once a week. All right, very good. Very good. And you're excited about it. Yeah. (laughing) Have you gotten better than 35 seconds since then? Barely. Barely. Wow. Incredible. Yeah, that's not that bad for 22, Ben. You're not doing that bad. All right, the whole set was rapey and weird, so you're getting a little joke book. There you go. Sign up again, and we'll see what you talk about next time. Been doing it two and a half years. You got to have something other than rape jokes. There you go, it's Ben Dahlke, ladies and gentlemen. All right. Okay, this looks like a fun name. Let's see what this is all about. Make some noise for Nino, everybody. Nino is next here on Killtony. (upbeat music) Mother shit, what the fuck is up? (cheering) I don't know if you guys could tell by the way I'm dressed, but I am an essential worker. (audience laughing) Okay, cool, don't clap. Fuckin' assholes. But yeah, I deliver groceries for a living. (audience laughing) Without me, Westlake and BK would starve, right? Austin needs me. (audience laughing) And I think I speak for all delivery drivers when I say this, if you live in an apartment complex, do not order groceries online, okay? That is for home owners only. (audience laughing) 'Cause every time I go to shitty apartment complex, you're on the 12th floor, your elevator don't work, and you don't tip. Speaking of no tips, if you're Indian, (audience laughing) I'm not talkin' about Native Americans. (audience laughing) I'm talkin' about Dash from our dog. (audience laughing) Don't order groceries online, okay? Touch beer, I swear, next time you order with me, dude, I'm gonna rub a chicken masala all over my nuts, and give you some real spice, bam. All right, that's my time guys, thank you. - Nino, hi, Nino, you been on this show before? - Yes sir, welcome back. - Thank you. - That went pretty well, huh? - Thank you, yeah, it was good. - Was that your best set on the show so far? - Yeah, it was, very good, I love it. So, you've been delivering groceries how long you been on stand-up? - Gonna be four years in May. - Four years, and where are you originally from? - I'm from SoCal. - Okay. - Santa Ana Orange County. - Okay, you're gettin' specific there. (laughing) - Welcome. - Oh? - Okie dokie, and how long have you been in Austin? - Almost about four years too, as well. I started here doing stand-up as well, so. - Oh cool, I'm almost four years old. - Okay, and you've been delivering groceries that whole time? - About two and a half years. - All right, and so a lot goes on in the grocery delivery business. I'd imagine when the elevators work, it's not that bad, right? - No, it's not. - Okay, but sometimes the elevators don't work. - Yeah, they don't worry, you gotta use the stairs. People in the apartments for some reason want to order the heaviest shit too. This is a water, dog food, just dumb shit bro, I hate it. - Okay. - All right, what do you do when you're not doing stand-up or delivering groceries? - Well, I'm not on the spectrum, but I collect toy cars. - You do. - Yeah, like hot wheels, one-a-scale toys, trailers, replicas, you guys wanna see the smallest toy car in the world? - Yes. - Yeah? - Is it in your e-thra? - So this is called a micro-mini. And Tony, open it up, I want you to open it up. It's a really, got everybody the front wheels and open it up. - Does that look like a micro machine? - Yeah, no, take out the car. - Oh, there's a smaller car in there. - Yeah, smaller store car in the world. - Wow, that's amazing. That is indeed a very small car. There it is, I can't even talk. Yep, it's so small, there you go. I'm gonna put it there. Okay, so that's a small car. - Yes. - I love it. You must get all the pussy. (audience laughing) - I'm seeing the ladies. - They know. (audience laughing) They know. Has a woman ever flirted with you while you're delivering groceries? - No, not really. A lot of my customers are old people, so they'll bake me like cookies, give me candies, stuff like that. So, not really like hot sexy ladies, no. - Nice. What do you do for fun around Austin? - Oh, let's see. I like to go bar hopping sometimes. I hooked up with my first gilf a couple of weeks ago. It is a gilf. - Gilf is a grandma I like to fuck. - Oh, wow. - So how old a ballpark was this lady? - She was probably no lie, part like 65. - Wow, where'd you find her at? - Shout out to Deborah with an H. - Wow. (audience laughing) - She learned he told me that. She was like, my name's Deborah with an H. I was like, all right, cool. - Hell yeah. - So where'd you meet this old bag, I suppose? - I met her at the airport bar, right here in Austin, yeah. - Wow. - So I was on my way for one of my friends, weddings in California and before my fly, I was like, oh, I have a drink. So I was at the bar. I saw she was sitting by herself. I saw she had a fat ass. I was like, oh, shit, all right, cool. So I made my way next to her. We started talking. Next, you know, I got her information. She was like, yeah, hit me up when you come back. And I was like, all right, cool. I hit her up. We went to some, I think she was staying out in Flugerville, I wanna say. - That's where they live. (audience laughing) - That's where thick ass, 65-year-olds live, isn't it? (audience laughing) - So she took me to like this local brewery. - Ah, do you see him there? - Flugerville with an H, I know. - Yeah, that's right. (audience laughing) - That's right. - And long story short, we had a couple of drinks. We kicked it off. We went back to my car. - Oh, this one right here? - What? (audience laughing) - It was actually a bigger car. - Okay, what kind of car do you have? - What kind of Honda Civic do you have? - No. (audience laughing) - It's actually a Kia, shout out to the Kia boys. - Wow. - Yeah. - Sportage? - No, it's a, um, fuck, forte, forte. - Ooh, GT, GT. - Wow, you took a, you took a, you took a, the 65-year-old to a forte? (laughing) - Okay. - And then what happened? - And then we started talking and then we started hooking up. - You're in the driver's seat, she's in the passenger seat, and when you say, and when you say hooking up, you mean like, - Yeah, we're makin' it. - Right, so it's always an interesting predicament when you're in the front of a car. So, who do you think was doing more of the leaning? You know, you guys meeting in the dead center, you're right over the stick shift? - Oh, I kind of put my seat back a little bit. - Ah. - Set the mood a little bit, and she's taller than me. She's taller like five, 10, I'm five, seven. - Yep. - So I lean back a little bit. We start, she's like, gets on top of me a little bit, we're hooking up. - Okay, so she's the more aggressive one. - Yeah, she is, yeah. - But then I'm like, fuck it, like, I just started pulling down my pants. - Oh shit. - Is this in the parking lot of the brewery? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - All right, Nino, you really do collect hot wheels. (laughing) - Okay, so you start pullin' down your pants, right then and there, you got nothin' to lose. - And then she puts, you know. - Yeah. - Yeah. - She puts my dick in her hand, starts jacking him off, and then, she tries to give me sloppy toffee, dude. - Wow. - It was a bad-- - Damn. - The best way I could describe it is like fellas. Remembering you were a kid, you were going to a jacuzzi and you put your dick inside the jet. (laughing) That's exactly how it fell, dude. Just hot, sloppy. It was the best. - Wow. - So flue, girl, Bill. - Yeah, that's amazing. You got sloppy toffee from an oldie, goldie. - Yeah, hell yeah. - You got some of that fucking hell. - Deborah, if you're seeing this call me, I miss you. - Wow. (laughing) - So she finished you off right there in the parking lot? - Yeah, I tried not to do that quick. I probably lasted about four minutes top. - There you go. According to a lot of the people that have been on tonight, show you're a professional porn star. (laughing) - So, four and a half minutes is a fucking real humdinger. - That's incredible, dude. - Absolutely amazing. (laughing) So then what happened after she finishes you off? Do you just drop her off back? No, so she wanted me, got with me, but I got kind of grossed out because you just swallowed my comb. You're damn right. And I was kind of like, "Oh, no, bitch, I'll be back up." Right, but I still mean it out with her, fuck it. Oh, yeah, dude. Wait for seconds, wait for seconds. [ Laughter ] You look crazy, motherfucker. [ Laughter ] I would like you to find Christ, young man. [ Laughter ] Who the fuck is this, man? Dude, look, I don't know anymore. That's what I am. Oh, shit, wow, big fan, dude. Yeah. You look good, man. You look good. It's one of Deborah's favorite actors. Did you fuck Deborah, too, dude? I mean, a long time ago. Oh, shit. "Demen is famous, homophob on this show. After you -- after you made out with a girl after coming in her mouth, he's gone." He's like, "I can't take this no more." Hell, yeah. All right, Nina, well, you did a -- you did okay. You talked about your actual job. It was pretty decent, so you're getting a big joke book. Congratulations, Nina. There you go. You guys. [ Cheers and applause ] All right. [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, you want the car back? Wow, what a cheap fuck you are. I keep this one. Okay, cool. I mean, what the hell's the point? The car hold their car into that. What am I going to do with that? I'm going to throw it in the crowd. After the show, that's what I'm going to do. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, like I said, this is an action-packed show we have here tonight, and we have another one of the greatest regulars in the show's history, ready? Right now, he is the newest regular on this show. He is known as the dark storm of Atlanta. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great and powerful, "Dedric Flynn" everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] Man, this shit feels good, man. I used to actually hate rich people before I got money. I did -- You know, rich people got different debit cards in us. They got -- Maybe y'all something y'all got about here. These little 22-pound bulletproof solid metal debit cards made out of vibranium from Wakanda. Hey, y'all seeing these motherfuckers? And they did it -- Me -- The thing is, my debit card -- that shit, if I throw it up in the air, it's going to be a minute before it hit the ground. If somebody opened the door, that's she going to go right back to the top. Sometimes, if I'm high on board, I just go, "For my debit card." You know, rich people got heavy debit cards so they could break down cocaine better. Meanwhile, I just rolled my blunts on my debit card, and they be fed on giving fuck about me. But it's cool, though, because, like, now that I got famous success, I get to talk to people that, like, have done it. So when I get to talk to Tony, I was -- First thing I got regular, I was like, "Yo, what should I look out for?" And Tony was, like, "Stay off the comments on Reddit." They're mean and racist. They say things I wouldn't say. If Tony wanted to say that, I wouldn't do it. But the thing was, is that when he told me, I just had to appreciate it, but I wanted to laugh in his face because he don't know me like that. For 20 years before that, I was working customer service. They said it to my face. Dude, I was working at a car wash in Atlanta for 17 years, and a girl walked at this old ass fucking lady. 65 years old walked into me, and she called me to Hardar. And that shit hurt my feelings. 'Cause I wasn't even being one at the time. Has she called me in some negative activity? I would've been like, "Too shaked." We were shooting dice selling crack-rapping when you walked up. I was just a GM out of goddamn car wash. But basically, the situation that happened where she came to my car wash 10 years before, and then when she showed up, the prices were higher 10 years later. Like they do everywhere else in the fucking world, right? 'Cause today's price is not yesterday's price, but not to this racist ass bitch. She ran up to me and she said, "You, niggers, are always raising prices." And I was like, "Actually, man, we devalue the neighborhood." If you're gonna be racist, be right. I hate it, lazy racers. That's my town, bitch, I-- Unbelievable. The great, Dedric Flynn with a brand new two minutes and 40 seconds. Yeah. Doing more work than he has to do, unlike his people normally do. Normally, they show up late and leave early. Not Dedric. Not Dedric. It wasn't a good job before, but now I'm on time. Yeah. You really worked customer service at a car wash? I was a customer service at car wash. I were fucking restaurants. That-- I hated that car wash. What did you do at restaurants? Served tables, served beer, I-- I used to believe in people, right? Before-- before I worked customer service, if somebody died on the news, like eight people died, my hope end would have come together and pray for their family. And then I served one shift, and they were like, six people died. I was like, "Good." You should have called me. It could have been 12. Was it like a chain restaurant that we would know or wasn't-- Oh, dude. Yeah. Long. Logan's Roadhouse, Texas Roadhouse. I hate all the bitches, bro. They fired the fuck out of me because I fought somebody. You did? Yeah. One lady, uh, St. Patty's Day weekend, I was working at Logan's Roadhouse in Savannah, Georgia, where they had like the biggest like St. Patty's Day parade, a lady poured mashed potatoes on my head. Oh, man. And then I beat up her husband. Because I'm Southern. You can't hit women that good. I wanted to really take it out on that, and I whipped his ass. But they got mad at me for it, so I don't work at them all. Wow. She poured mashed potatoes on your head. Did she warn you? Was there-- Oh, it wasn't even my shift, Tony. I was covering another niggaship. I shouldn't have been there. What was the reason for it, though? What's she-- Yeah, so she got her steak, and then she just wanted to keep complaining because she wanted a free steak. And I was like, hey, I can't do nothing for you. I'm a server here. They throw peanuts on the ground there. Ah, yeah. If you want a good steak, go where they don't throw food on the ground. Right, yeah. Yep, that is true. Deja, what else is going on? What's the update on your big, amazing advancement in life? Bitch, I'm on tour, yeah. Yeah, I'm going there. I don't know where y'all from, but I'm coming there. I'm in the mafia now. I get to go everywhere. All of you know what's funny? All the booking places. They hit me up for the-- they be like, hey, can you come headline here? But the message before that was like, hey, I'm new in town. If I can get a guest spot, that'd be cool. Red, not responded. Right. Now they want me to headline, because they supposed to. Yep. The game has changed. Slice Stallone. Hey, y'all, I'll just take it. What the-- I'm sorry, I'm too high for you. You're not-- [LAUGHTER] I did not know you there. Yeah. A lot of experience. I just suggest that you sell your mouth and buy a diversified portfolio, like a good ETF, like a basket of funds. You do what? Thank me. Yeah. You know I'm a kilotony regular. I don't need to sell shit to make money. Look at this. Here's the before and after. Hey, Madness. This is Deadrick 40 years later, ladies and gentlemen. Here it is. This is what happens. I would never be blind. I would hate Joe's debt. Has anyone-- has anyone in your family ever had diabetes? Yeah, my debt. Yeah, you're going to be blind. But it's cool. Blind guys can be like rock stars and shit. That's a whole thing. Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, D Madness. D Madness rock in the fucking Heisenberg hat tonight. [LAUGHTER] He don't know what does he ever seen, breaking bad. He ain't seen a lot of stuff. Yeah, he hasn't seen shit. You ever heard Breaking Bad, D Madness? Yeah, he has. He has. D Madness, what's your favorite-- you ever listened to a Sylvester Stallone movie? Oh, shit. You ain't near the mic. Good. We got it. It's picked up. We got it. Rambos. Oh, collateral damage. Slice Stallone. You have any behind the scenes info on what it was like filming collateral damage. I see the wheels turning over there. I remember ever making a movie called Collateral Day. I made so many movies, you know? There's Rambo 1, Rambo 2, Rambo 3, Rambo. I kind of remember, Rambo 3, I remember. You ever see that? You know, I fought for the Taliban in Rambo 3. That is a fact. I gave a young kid a knife at the end. I think he hijacked a plane, used later, I don't know. You ever see Rambo 3, here? Perfect. Dedric, another unbelievable set. I mean, you are just a fucking freak of nature. We love you. I love you. There he goes. The great Dedric Flynn. Ladies and gentlemen, we're having fun here tonight. Back to the bucket week. By the way, I thought that was adorable that he said like a gold-plated debit card in civic credit card. I've never seen like a debit card. Wait until he finds out about credit cards. We are watching a kid's full, like we are going to watch Dejart grow up in front of our very eyes. Some people got lot debit cards. Some people be having heavy debit cards. Like he has no idea what credit even is. He almost fainted when his Sylvester Stallone said diversified portfolio. We're going to get to watch him learn everything. Oh, wow. OK, we've seen this guy before on this show. I mean, here we go, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for what some people are calling a local legend. This is the return. I believe the second time ever of Keegan Carmichael, everybody. Here we go. [MUSIC PLAYING] Hey. A guy strikes out nine times out of 10. I don't know who the 10th girl is. But tell her to throw the ball. Hey, I was at the bakery. They were like baked fresh daily. Yeah. Me too. I wish I had a burrito restaurant. Because burritos roll free delivery, if you live downhill, our only competitors, a can of soup. Hey, I have a car. It's not push the start, but it is push the keep going. Come on, guys, push. Oh, we just got passed by a burrito. Thank you. Keegan Carmichael. Welcome back, Keegan. Now, the last time you were on this show, all we talked about the entire time was how you reminded us of Mitch Hedberg. And after a lot of-- I talked to people and word gets around about the guy that looks and sounds and delivers like Mitch Hedberg. And it turns out that you're a genuinely very funny guy that just happens to look like and have the delivery of Mitch Hedberg. It's pretty interesting. Tony, what the fuck happened, man? That's a 180 right there. What do you mean? That's what I'm saying is that the first time we're like, oh my god, this guy's ripping off Mitch Hedberg. And, like I said, I've heard from some of my associates that it turns out that you do this every night that you're a good writer. They've seen you do longer sets. And it's just who you are. Thank you, associates. That's what I mean. He's a funny guy. OK. So Keegan, tell us more about your life. What exactly do you do with what's a day in the life of Keegan Carmichael like? I've just been watching like a lot of Nat Geo. I'm like, I learned a lot about whales. Yeah, what'd you learn? Every whale was a sperm whale. Then I watched an episode about kangaroos. And I learned a lot about kangaroos. Huh, what'd you learn about kangaroos? The mama kangaroo kept the baby in her pouch. The daddy kangaroo kept the baby in his sack. Yeah, that checks out. What else, Keegan? How do you make money, Keegan? That's what the world really wants to know. I deliver food on a bike. Ah. That's why I see you. I see you all the time riding your bike. All the time. You do? Yeah, five times since he's been on the show. Wow. You just see him like out on the streets riding his bike. Do you have like a basket on your bike? How do you do it? No, that cost $100. And that's fucking crazy. I just-- I hold it. No, that'll make more sense later. Anyways, you'll see what I mean. No, but it's cool. I delivered to Coach Starkeesian this week. Oh, nice. Hell yeah, the head coach of the Texas Longhorns. What did he order? Mary's cafe. OK. Yeah. What did he get? I don't know. OK, he's not like a doctor confidant. He on-- yeah, but I told him like, I shot my shot. I was like, hey, you need someone on special teams. I'm your guy. He was like, no, you should play quarterback. Why would he invite you to play quarterback? They got a lot of NIL money, Tony. I don't-- There's enough to go around. I don't-- Do you know how to throw a football? Mm-hmm. [LAUGHTER] Really? Kind of dumbass question, yeah. It's a very good question. You don't seem that mobile. You kind of sway a lot. You see-- Yeah, it's called pocket presents. Oh, my goodness gracious. You know about this. I never would have guessed this. Oh, wow. But on a serious note, that really did happen. And I will go to USC. So-- That's a different school. Yeah. Well, I don't think he took me seriously. Uh-huh. All right. Okay, Keegan, what else? Keegan, what else is going on in life? Anything else interesting? I have a cast iron pan. We know about this. I think we talked about this last time. How's it been going with the cast iron pan? Um, I don't know. I just wanted to mention, like, you know, last time I was on, I said I was a father to a pan. And everyone was like, missed the opportunity to name him Peter. No. My pan's name is Glenn Fry. Because he performs when the heat is on. [APPLAUSE] Keegan, you are two of a kind. [LAUGHTER] Here's a big joke book, buddy. I like your style. Keep signing up. There he goes. He has a little athletic prowess. He does know about pocket presence. And he did catch that joke book with great ease with his left hand, underhand left-handed catch, one of the hardest ways to catch a joke book, a little fun fact for you. All right, back to the buckle, we go. You guys still having fun out there? All right, let's see what happens next. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Sean Cantwell, everybody. Here comes Sean Cantwell. Make some noise from Sean, everybody. [MUSIC PLAYING] All right, here he comes. Sean Cantwell. This is my first time doing stand-up, so thank you. I feel honored to know what the genius is. You're grooving, right? So my name's Sean. I'm from Sean Cantwell. I'm from Pennsylvania. And I'm from Pennsylvania. 462. All right, now, too soon. All right. Anyway, so I-- one of those people diagnosed with-- well, ADHD, right? Because I grew up in the air when we didn't have helmets. All right, we-- you're laughing, right? Yeah, that's why I never had kids, a 47-year-old ever. Kids, I didn't put my helmet on my kid and ride a bike. You know, I just ain't doing it, right? So-- and this is my first time ever doing stand-up. And I'm like a ferret. I'm the attention span of a ferret. I'm crystal mad, right? All right, come on, you got it. You got it, you spit on it, you're like, holy shit. The students spit on it. So I had a total minute plan. No, I didn't. No, I really didn't. Seriously. The fuck's wrong with you? The peace of triggers. What just happened? What just happened? What the fuck did you just do? Sean, welcome. Hello, how are you? I'm good. Is stand-up something that you've ever wanted to do before? Yes. And how long have you wanted to do? about three weeks. - About three weeks that became a passion of yours. And this is your first time ever attempting it. - Yes. - What made you wanna do it on this show in front of this many people? - 'Cause if you've got something to say, you gotta say it's in front of the best and you're the best. - Well, okay, I mean, that's very nice. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - Okay, Sean, you are a wild, wild person. So let's just slow it down, one breath at a time. How old are you? - 47. - What do you do for work? - Entrepreneur, entrepreneur, and then I left out to. - What kind of entrepreneurial stuff have you done? - I'm an investment advisor. - What have you invested in? - I'm not allowed to talk about that license. - You're not allowed to talk about-- - Not in Texas. - Not in Texas. - No, it's P-A, yeah. - Okay, so your investments are all in P-A, and you're not allowed to talk about it here. - It could be considered as a solicitation on, and licensing doesn't only do it. - Tony, I don't feel very safe being this-- - Yeah, I know, I know, I know. So that's just a loan. - It's gonna be all right. - You. It's gonna be all right. - This is the guy that trained you in Rocky, isn't it? - Yeah, he is. - Oh my god, he wrecked it. - Oh, come here, come here, bring it in, bring it in. - All right, fun fact. - Sean, give us a fun fact about your life. - Fun fact, I trained the first profession. - Okay. - From Yale Boxer in the United States of America. - You really did? - I helped train, yes, and I was a corner person. - You were the corner person? - No, I was the corner person. - That's what I just asked for. - Yeah. - Right. Are you on something right now? - I can't talk about that either. - Okay, well then put the mic in on my stand. If you can't talk about things, then there's no point of doing an interview with somebody that can't answer questions about their job or anything. - Wait. - Yeah, wait. I understand the author of the 369. I really just wanted to talk to Joe Rogan and explain how the universe worked. - There he goes, everybody, wow. Affinity. - There you go. - Two. - Oh. - Come on. - There you go. - Sean, put the mic in on my stand. There he goes, Sean. - Everybody, there he goes. There he goes, don't sign up again. Sean can't wall up here. - What the hell was that? Is that, oh, that's him? All right. Okay, you know what, let's cleanse the room with a little, a little something special. We have a special type of sage. He used to cleanse the stage here at Killtony. He is, without a doubt, one of the greatest Killtony regular slash golden ticket winners, slash forces of nature to ever come across the show. Every time he does, it's absolute insanity. You're a very lucky audience. You're here on a very special night. Is I present to you a man who gets to do whatever he wants on the show. A man who is the only bucket pull ever that I am slightly afraid of. This is the great and powerful Timmy No Grins. (audience cheering) - So I was fucking this two-year-old. Relax, I was one. (audience laughing) Guys, that need to get a much bigger pop, okay? That's some funny fucking shit, all right? I need you guys, I want this clip to go fucking viral. So I need you guys to fucking, I need you guys to all stand when I do that. I want you to take your tits out. I want you to take your fucking dick out. Black guy, I want you to like it so much you give me a n-wood pass. (audience laughing) All right, take it from the top. (audience laughing) (upbeat music) - Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian, what can I say? I mean, truly a freak of nature. A beast unlike any other. You're here on a special night. Is I introduced the one and the only. Timmy No Briggs. (upbeat music) - So this two-year-old was fine, I was fucked, fuck! (audience laughing) (audience laughing) Take it from the top. (audience laughing) - Sometimes in this world, you are graced upon a presence unlike any other. Someone that is simply unlike anybody else, a man who has more power than any bucket hole in the history of the show. Is I present to you the old Golden Goose. This is Timmy No Briggs. (audience laughing) (audience laughing) (audience laughing) (audience laughing) (audience laughing) - So how about that inward pass? (audience laughing) Come on, bitch, give me that shit. (audience laughing) Goddamn. (audience laughing) Look at his mother fucker. I'm gonna turn to my left. Yep, I'm gonna look right. Yeah, yeah, I'm looking at the panel to my left. I'm looking at the audience for a little bit, but then turn it to the left. No, look it, there we go. (audience laughing) Look at this game, mother fucker. Goddamn, look at this game, mother fucker. Your face looks ready to shit. You never, look at mother fucker, Goddamn. What, what's your name? She squats a dick, holy fuck, Goddamn. (audience laughing) Look at this black guy. (audience laughing) There's a black man on a thing. (audience laughing) I challenge you to a rap battle. (audience laughing) Let's do it. - What do you know about rap, bitch? - Let's go, bitch. - Fucking, I'm gonna suck my dick. Come over here, get on your knees and suck my dick. That's just a, I'm just sitting in the stage. (audience laughing) All right, give me a beat. Now what the fuck is that? No, that's not my beat. Cut it out, no. Every time I do this move, I need you to hit the beat. The right way. Goddamn. All right, every time I do this move, just this move right here, I need you to do the beat gun. Hit me. All right, give me five words. Give me five words right now. I'm gonna use them in this beat. Tony, Tony, say five words. - Okay, horse, white, cigarette, gun, whiskey. - Nah, just beat Sucks. - Yeah, all right. - Nah, fuck this beat. Nah, fuck that shit. The hell was that, Tony? Goddamn, Jesus Christ. - Give 'em some gangster shit. - You wanna see some gangster shit? I'm gonna say the end word in three, two, one. I got scared, I got scared, I got scared. I got scared, I was a little afraid of that shit. Goddamn, my bag. Look at it, look at his motherfucker. Yo ass. Nope, I'm not saying anything. You got any questions for me, huh? - I keep noticing that your lips are moving and sometimes nothing's coming out. - Nope. - No, you didn't know it. - Wait, if I could, wait, it appears that though if I talk, the guys move. - No, no, no, no. - I think-- (laughing) - It appears, it's up though. It appears, it's up though, that if I talk, his lips will move. - Where the fuck did you find this guy, Tiffany? He doesn't understand the trouble at all. - Don't break the fourth wall. Don't do that. Don't you do that. That's up to red, man, guys. That's up to you, dude. Goddamn, look at these lights. I'm getting tired of this shit. Look at that light. Hit me with the spotlight. I'm blind. I can't see shit. Turn off the spotlight. Oh, man. Look at this hoody in the blowfish looking at us. Tone number two, Goddamn. I'd look at the light. Anyways, any other questions for me, don't? Wow, this is incredible. How did you transform? We watched you come out twice as yourself, and then you came back a third time as a black man. How were you able to do this, Timmy? Your power is no no bounds. - Great question, Tone. And I know I'm turned from the camera, and that's not good for a video, but that's fine. (laughing) Now look, the last time I was on, you know, I said a bar. And I was like, how do I, how do I top this bar? You know how I thought I'd do it? Black face. (audience laughing) That's the only way to do it, Tom. It was the only way to do it. And I said, fuck, black face, black body. (audience laughing) And yeah, I did just gesture to my big black cat. That is something I did. Any other questions? (audience laughing) Wow, wow, this is incredible. Timmy, what have you been up to lately? I know you've been busy, you've been on the road, you've had a lot of opportunities lately. So what's been happening with you? What have you been up to with this, especially with this newfound power of going, being able to change races and whatnot? Well, man. (audience laughing) Yeah, I've been doing big shows on the road, just going around, like did, you know, I did Denver, I did your fucking mom, boom, got your ass. Hit me. (audience cheering) Yeah, I fucked your mom, hit me! (audience laughing) I was up and in so good that she was like, "God damn, I want you to be my son, hit me!" (audience laughing) She came, hit me! (audience laughing) Any other questions? When you fucked my mom, did you do it normal or were you in this older, blacker man character that you're able to do now ever? Never do it normal, Tony. Yeah, I never do it normal. No, I fucked her like this. She's a saint, Tony, and, you know, I did it missionary. Wow. Yeah. This is absolutely-- Can I show you my dick? No, no, Timmy. Can I just take out my dick? Timmy, you definitely shouldn't. Look at this, look at this, look at this base plan. Look at this base plan right there. He's right behind me, he's still in my left. I'm gonna turn, nope, on the left. On the left, on the left. On the left, fuck it, fuck it. Look at the sex plan, the fucking pieces. He's Goomba from Mario. What the fuck is this guy doing? Jesus Christ. I turned left. I did it. (audience laughing) Man, this is fun. Yeah, it is. He's lip-syncing. (audience laughing) I saw that. Man, this is so fun. Fat, you broke the fourth wall, you piece of shit. What are you doing? Who is this guy? It's almost fucked up, I don't know. This is incredible. Timmy no breaks. Somehow, absolutely not knowing which way to face tonight. Looks healthy though. Looks healthier than ever, younger. No, I don't. No, I definitely don't. Wow, Timmy, is there anything else that you do now that you can become a special black man? Is there anything else that you find yourself doing out in society now that you can be black sometimes? That's great, really good question, Tom. Yeah. I'm gonna turn my back to the audience for this one. That's okay. Yeah, you're gonna face that way towards the audience. No, but yeah, fuck 'em. Yeah. Yeah, ever since I became an, you know, embraced the power of being an old black man that I met 10 minutes ago, I. (laughing) Yeah, I've been going to raw stress for less a lot. Yeah, I'm good at basketball. I'm not racist at all. This isn't racist at all. What does it look like when you shoot a basketball? How exactly do you shoot a basketball? What is your form like? Here I go, boom, nothing but neck. Wow, yep, yep, how about throwing a football? Do you know how to throw a football game? Check this shit out. Drop that, tie it, bang. How about bowling? Do you have a good bowling form? Yeah, get ready for this shit. (laughing) Get ready for this shit. Yeah, looking to my ball, and bowling right into that guy's face. What else you got to say? Now, I noticed that you bowl left-handed, but you shoot basketballs and throw footballs with your right hand. Are you ambidextrous? No, I'm just black. (laughing) (upbeat music) ♪ I'm the end of what you're supposed to say ♪ What, what are you looking at, dumbass? (laughing) Fuck it. Wow, Red Band looks like a great-ass motherfucker. God, this guy looks unhealthy. I'm looking at the ground. I'm looking all around. I'm having the time of my life up here. (laughing) I gotta tell you this. Oh, look at you. I thought, fuck these glasses. Who needs them? (laughing) Nope, I need them. (laughing) Wow, Timmy, I mean, you're on a whole new level. Every single time you come onto the show, you're so innovative, you completely take over. This is unbelievable. In my, near just about to be 20 years in this industry, I've never seen a man with the balls, the courage, and the talent to be able to switch races. I've seen people switch genders. I've seen people switch everything about themselves. I've seen, but I've never seen anything like this before. Timmy, you have done it again. You have found another way to innovate and take things to a whole other level. You're unbelievable. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Tom. Now, where's my big fucking joke book? And I gotta tell you, you're also, you're showing amazing skills. Have you been trying to be a ventriloquist because there's times where you're talking and your lips aren't moving at all? You see, I've learned, Tom. (laughing) Well, I'm gonna eat your pussy. You gotta push, you know, I'm gonna fucking eat that shit. Here's a big joke, book, Timmy. Hey, let's be catch this. Here we go. Here it comes. But, Tim got it. (cheering) Lights out, motherfucker, see you next time. (cheering) Here I go, I'm leaving now. (laughing) I'm gonna dance a little bit, but then I'm gonna go. All right, I'm walking the way up. Okay, I'm walking up. Here I go. Seven, I'm laying a bitch. All right, I gotta go now. I'll see you guys later, up. Good to meet you, Tom. Good to meet you, I'm in trouble. I love you, bitch. I love you. Jesus, Kimmy. Now, pick up the one, this player. It's him. I gotta get the fuck out of here, I'm gone. I love you. Peace. (audience cheering) ♪ Make some goddamn noise ♪ ♪ For Timmy no break, ladies and gentlemen ♪ (upbeat music) Wow. That's one of my favorite things ever, man. Yeah? Yeah. ♪ No doubt about it, no doubt about it ♪ ♪ Timmy no breaks, freak of nature ♪ ♪ Has done it again, I mean 15 minutes of absolute chaos ♪ Back to the bucket. This is gonna be hard to follow. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Patrick Cassidy, ladies and gentlemen. Patrick Cassidy. (audience applauding) How are we all doing tonight? (audience cheering) You guys ever walking on your parents having sex when you're a kid? 27 times? It's awkward when they tell you to stop doing it. You keep, no, it's my fault the first time actually. It's about five and I said, "What do you want for your birthday?" I said, "I want to watch." Fucking shit, I said, "Did we all, um, stupid." Actually, my father passed away not too long ago. That's, I'm pretty happy about that now. He left me his motor home and I'm living it at, got two miles away from here so I get to sign up all the time. That's pretty awesome. But I have had a hard time talking about it with all my black friends 'cause I don't want to think I'm appropriating their culture. Why not having a father now? Which got me thinking about Star Wars. And how Anakin Skywalker is white, damn. But then, as soon as he turned black, he left his kids and now, I'm sorry. All right, that's all I got. Thanks guys. Okay, Patrick Casadeck. All right, there's a little something there. I can see the premise that you were going with. When Anakin Skywalker turned black coincidentally, he did leave his children. He became Darth Vader. Played by a guy named Hayden and then all of a sudden, he's six foot seven, played by James Rowe Jones, you know? There you go. Patrick, a little five. How long have you been going to stand up? Well, six months, this is my 33rd time on stage. Have you ever thought about doing your comedy off stage into a microphone while a black man lip sinks your material for you? I am now because that sounded funny and I didn't get to watch it. Yeah, from back there, it was hilarious. Yeah, it was great. You say six months? Six months, yeah. And remind us, you've been on this show before. I have. And what did we learn? What did we talk about that last time? We talked about Jesus your father dying, right? Yeah, and remind us what that was all about. Well, we've always wanted to show and then he said, you know, when I go better get out there and do the show. So I came out here last year for eight weeks and I got on the show. And then if you've been doing open mics and working on it. Yeah, I just moved out here in August. I've been doing an open mics ever since and working on my comedy for about three or four months. How long ago was that that you were on the show remind me. Well, again, about two months ago. Okay, I didn't do very well, but you let me do another joke and that one went all right. So what do you have another joke that you could do that's better than your set this time. This could be your specialty. The guy that doesn't do good in the minute and then doesn't joke it's better than everything he tried in the minute. Okay, do you have another one? I got I got a lot of but I don't know what's going to be better to be honest with you. Just try it. I don't think you know what's funny. That's true, that's true. All right, dating's a little different now that I'm 50. Like when I was young, the only birth control was the pill. You know, and that was kind of, you know, it's going to work or she's going to take it. They didn't have plan B. Plan B was fucking move. You know, plan C was Canada. Plan D was down the stairs, but I never had to go that far. Thank God because I have family in British Columbia. There you go. Sounds like you got a lap there. Patrick, what do you do for work? I used to do insurance, but since I moved out here, I've been door dashing a lot door dashing on my motorcycle. Okay, how's that going for you? How's door dashing on the motor? So you know, it's get my RV space paid for my truck payment paid. Okay, any crazy things. Ramen on the table happen while door dashing. I've only been doing it for about three weeks because before that had, you know, all dad's money. You spent that. Yeah, what did you spend that on? Just ranting food. Hookers blow. Did you really spend it on hookers? No, no, too old for that. Do you do blow? I used to have done it for. I'm not a big guy. Lesson's girlfriend. Why? It doesn't make sense, right? You're delivery system sucks. Have you ever thought about a non-seating so that the people understand the words that you're saying? Yes, I'm very nervous, but okay. I'm in front of like, you know, one of my heroes right now. That's what happens. He's a big fan of Sylvester Stallone, obviously. Don't be scared, you know what I shouldn't. I was about to fight Club of Lang, you know, my legs are going off scared. Then I realized I had written a movie and we weren't actually going to be punching each other. There you go. It's a good way. It's a great movie. It's a great movie. Patrick, it's tough to follow Timmy, no. Yeah, I was holding a father, another guy, a fact. I don't know if it would have gone that much better. Probably wouldn't have actually been great. You got a little jokebook last time? I did get a little jokebook. Well, there you go. That is where it will remain. We'll see you again soon. Patrick has the day, ladies and gentlemen. Let me keep it moving real fast here as we come around the corner. It should be the last bucket pool of the night. Make some noise for one of our very own. This is what. Make some noise for Heidi, everybody. Make sure you check out Love on the Line at HeidiRagina.com. Again, this episode brought to you by Talkspace. This is actually one of our very own, one of our very own team members around here. Make some noise for a brand new minute from Dusty Carter. Everybody comes Dusty Carter. I recently made a horrible mistake. I cut off all my hair and most of my beard. Yeah, I used to look like Jesus if his first miracle was turning water into meth. You know, I got tired of walking around looking like a caveman who had been thawed from ice. The problem is, now I just look like a white guy hired by it. I was at my daughter's school the other day, and I overheard these two ladies talking about a deaf kid that had been learning sign language. And then he had an accident over the summer during 4th of July, messed up some digits. I was like, "That is so sad." That little boy was born deaf, and then he developed a lisp. [Laughter] It's okay for the rest of y'all to laugh. Hell if he was here, he wouldn't have heard you. That's about time. Dusty Carter with exactly 58 seconds. Hi Dusty. Hey Tony, how are you doing, boss? Great buddy. Good to see you, man. Not a lot of people know this, but Dusty, a little fun fact, opens one half of the curtains for everybody that comes out of here. Isn't that interesting? It's like some inside showbiz stuff. There's two guys right on the other side of those curtains. One of them is Dusty, and then there's another guy. And then when I say the person's name, they wait one second for the band to start playing, and then they pull the curtains that way. Hi tech. Hi tech stuff. Hi tech shit. Dusty also puts together the table every Sunday night, with another guy. Used to take two hours, and then it took an hour and a half, and I believe they've now got it all the way down to what? 58 minutes. 58 minutes, ladies and gentlemen. Did you guys like to put together an LED table? It's not easy. No, 58 though. Why did you say it took an hour? No, they're timing themselves. Yeah, they take it very serious. Yeah, it's more of a challenge than anything just to see if we can beat what we did before. Yeah, because each week it's something different because this isn't the only show they have here. They have other shows, and then we have to sort through wires and things. Right. Make sure we got everything. Y'all need to enjoy what we do or they do. You're damn right. Absolutely. Dusty mentioned having a daughter holds your daughter. She is 11. Nice. And how's that going? She's amazing. She's excelling at everything, and she's loving school right now. She's with her mom this year while I got settled in Austin, and she'll be back with me this fall. Nice. Nice. Yeah, that's it's a lot of fun. Yeah, being a dad's most rewarding and stressful thing I've ever done in my entire life. Yeah, that's your only child. No, I have a son that's 26. You have a 26-year-old son. How old are you? I'm 45, Tony. Wow. Yeah, prison has a lot of preservatives in its food. Yeah. And you were in prison for what again? Manufacturing, meth, and fed of me. There you go. To the crowd goes wild. Welcome to the Killtony Universe, where you get a standing ovation for making meth. You never dabbled in holler health care? No. Tell us about it. What's making meth like? It's not like breaking bad. That was sissy shit. I used to do mine in the woods in 45 minutes, and it'd be 90% pure. Wow. He's all that laboratory equipment when you're just fucking moonshine and write. I would ask you your secrets or your process, but I immediately realize that that's probably against you. Entertainment purposes only. We can talk about whatever we want. We can write books. How interesting. By the way, Tony, I'm here to promote my coloring book. You got a coloring book slide? Yeah, that's why I'm here kind of to kind of promote that. You haven't talked about it like it all. What's your coloring book? Well, it's in a dark coloring book, you know, and like the subject is very mature, you know. Like the pictures you color in, you know, the of like scenes from September 11th. Just to honor those fallen those who got 9/11. Nice book. And at the end, you know, there's like a center for pop out big thing of those who fall in the 9/11 memorial. Anyway, I'm still now. At KyleDunnegan.com. That's the only place to buy the coloring book. Dusty, a great appearance. Fun times. You're a likable guy. There's a lot of different funny. There goes Dusty Carter, ladies and gentlemen. Well, what an episode we've had. I mean, this was this had three regulars and a golden ticket winner. The return of a couple great old characters. And now there's only one way to end an episode like this. And that's what the man with the most appearances ever in this shows history. The most interviews, the Hall of Famer, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the magazine monster, the elevator. Acceler, the the zipper cruder, zebra, the talk space tycoon. This is the big red machine, William Montgomery. Here we go. Quick housekeeping announcement. There's an astro van parked out front. It's filled with guys and turbines reciting prayers like frantically reciting prayers. Anyway, so I'm watching this ditty documentary, The Racketing. And that's it. and I didn't realize that early in his career, Diddy hosted a celebrity basketball game where nine people were trampled to death when they were rushing into the gym to get a seat. Apparently, they thought it was an Apex twin concert. (audience laughing and clapping) Is it just me or is the Taliban gotten too woke? (audience laughing) I've always wanted to go to a Mafioso Christmas party and be like, "Hey, wait, this mistletoe "has a tiny little microphone hanging down." (audience laughing) A teenager who wants to be a lion tamer jumped in the lion enclosure in a Brazilian zoo. If he had not been eaten alive by the lions, it would have gone really well. (audience laughing) Okay, that's right, Todd. - Thank you, 50, seven seconds from the man who's done it the most, and still adding to his resume the great William Montgomery. - So nice to be here, I'm excited. I started back on the Rome machine yesterday, and. - Good. - And Tony Yeo, I gotta say, man, one of your buddies up there is super high in the green room. He's been asleep this whole time. (laughing) I drew a mustache showing his fucking ass with a sharpie. I hope he doesn't get mad when he wakes up. Please have my back when he wakes up. - That is possible, Tony. - Yeah, well the fuck is wasted up there, Tony! - Wow! - Yeah, but he's having fun. - Yeah, he's having a good time. - I love it, William, you're back on the Rome machine, you've been doing your puzzles, you've been making puzzles? - Yes, I'm almost finished with the one that's filled with cakes. I ended up taking a break last week. I was in the mood, I got out of the mood with the puzzles, but now I'm back at it tonight, and tomorrow I'll be done. - What kind of cakes are on this puzzle? - Oh my God, Tony, I mean, they all have blue icing, which makes it super fucking difficult, but some of them also have red icing. Some of them also have a little purple icing. There's just all kind, but all of them have blue icing, Tony, which makes it really hard. It's a really hard puzzle, 1,000 pieces. 1,000 pieces. - Yeah, some of them have, it's like blue and purple, blue and yellow. - But there's no specific types of cake. There's no, like, I think one is strawberry, because one of them has red on the inside. What a miso, as white on the inside. - Yellow, thanks, dumbass. Is that what you wanted, you fucking idiot? What you want me to yell, it was a strawberry cake. - I'm trying to have fun tonight, Tony. - Yeah! - Well, what's fun to you? - I don't know how. - Oh my God, help the pressing of, is that? - Yeah. - For no reason, what's so important? - Oh, all right. So what are you hearing? - I don't know, I don't know how. - I don't know how, I don't know how. - Oh my God, how depressing of, is that? - Yeah. - All right, so what are you hearing? - What are you having fun with lately? What are you passionate about? - Oh, yeah. - Anything? William. Is there anything that you're excited about in all of life? - I had a banana earlier, it's pretty good. I had a banana in a while. Yeah, thank you. Oh my God, it was a really great banana, Tony! - Oh. (dramatic music) - Wow, you had a good banana. What did you have with the banana? - Little bit of peanut butter, Tony! (laughing) - It's a man pulls with a little bit of honey, Tony! (laughing) - We love that. - We need some metamusel, 'cause I've been shitting again. - Metamusel. - Wow. - Yeah, sugar-free metamusel. - Oh, sugar-free metamusel, right when it tastes horrible. - Oh my God, what is it taste like? - Like tang. - Ooh. - And it looks like tang too, it's orange. - Wow. - So that's been fun, mixing up the different mixtures. See how much I can put in there? - Okay. - It still dissolves and yeah. - And the metamusel makes you feel better? - Yeah, it makes me tell me feel a little better, Tony. - I'm that, really? - I had a pretty good duty day, Tony. - Oh my goodness, how have you sure, how have your, how have your duties been lately? - Solid? - I've been okay when I can. I mean, it's been two fucking days. I think it was because I was eating a bunch of butter fingers out in Tulsa. - What were you doing eating butter fingers in Tulsa? - I was starving, Tony, and I fucking, I felt weird. I was like, I was fucking, it was freezing cold, and I was in the hotel room, and I don't wanna leave the hotel room, and I'm watching some football, and it's like, well, I can't do to though, and I gotta got to before the sets later on, and about 20 minutes later, I'm able to do to, so it was okay. - Wow, amazing. - Yeah. - It's real exciting. - So Vester Stallone, have you ever seen anything quite like William Montgomery before? - No, I'm gonna have to leave. (laughing) But thank you so much for having me, Tony. - Yeah. - Appreciate it. - Well, we are at the end of the show. You have any favorite Silvestre Stallone projects that you've seen? - I loved you in Predator. I thought you were a wonderful killing off the Predator. That was wonderful when you put the mud on your body. - Don't talk about it. - That was really cool. I love that part. - I was lost in nigga in front of me, pal. You're gonna get the horns right here, you see that? - Oh God, Silvestre, that one guy. - That's a baby longhorn that I murdered myself. - Oh, strangling in front of it's mother. - Silvestre, did that one guy actually shave in the jungle without the shaving cream? Did that show happen? - You got the wrong movie, buddy. - Huh? (laughing) - I think you got the wrong guy. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, that's. - That's very disrespectful. You're thinking of Arnold. You're thinking of Arnold Schwarzenegger. - Are you shaking your head like a fucking idiot, dumbass? I almost didn't have to interact with your fucking asses entire night. I was feeling pretty good. - You got the wrong guy, man. - Who's that little cigarette you're smoking? What is that of Virginia Slim? You fucking pussy. What are you fucking smoking? Virginia Slim's over there. - They're pretty fucking idiot. - Like, 'cause it's Christmas and that's what's your mom's food. (laughing) - Dumbass, don't fucking come at me right now. Fucking idiot. Fucking highlight of my days. Drinking metamusel, you fucking idiot. Why are you coming after me? Why'd you think coming after me was a good idea, dumbass? Yeah, after your mom and I are fucking done in her bedroom, which is way too hot all the time. She's smoking those fucking Virginia Slims. Whatever Robin Hood. - Whoa, he roasted by Red Man. The crowd doesn't know how to handle it, because. What are you referring to this hat I got from my sweet dead grandmother, Bee? - Your grandmother's referring to her? What are you referring to? - Your grandmother's name was Bee? - Yes. - Oh my goodness. That's adorable. - We caught a Queen Bee. We saw fucker from behind. - Whoa, Red Man is roasty tonight. They're having a, I fucked your mom and grandma battle, everyone. - This is a whole new thing. He raised, he raised, he called your bluff and raised you a grandma, everyone. It appears as if the William is short-circuiting right now and doesn't know how to handle this situation. - Can you Grammy tell you all about that metamuso will? - Okay, Red Man, very good. - No fucking mom did, dumbass, a couple of you. - Oh wow. - Oh wow, fucking it. It's a grandma mom battle that's going nowhere. Before we let you go. Before I let you go, I want to, because I, you know, it's not easy to get a powerful guest, like Sylvester Stallone here. And you accidentally named an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. I'm going to give you another chance here. Is there a favorite Sylvester Stallone film that you have that you would like to say right now? - What, is it Rudy? Are you the kid in Rudy? - Kick his ass, that's what it is. - How would it is? Don't kick his ass, slide, don't kick his ass. Let's give him another guest here. This is the great, "Sly Stallone." - Aren't you the good, bad news bearers, as bad news bear, no, no, no, no, no. - Oh my God, I'm sorry, "Sly." I don't know what to do. - What's stopping me is the mental illness. I don't attack mentally ill people. You look bad on TMZ. - That's true, just clippin'. You know, they don't show that part. - Yeah. - Name in the wrong movies. - Yeah. - They just show Scalone beating up a retarded guy. - I'm going to give you one more chance here. - This is an opportunity of a lifetime. - We have "Sly Stallone." You should pay your respects. You must have a favorite "Sly Stallone" movie. You do not leave your hotel much. You don't leave your house much. You watch, you consume a lot of television and movies. This should be very easy for you. What is one of your favorite "Sly Stallone" movies? - Rocky 3. - Oh, Rocky 3. I really know it's my favorite one. I tell you're great. - I was hoping. - Oh, yeah. - But all right, Rocky 3. - All right. Well, a real climax there at the end. William and Improv-Guru, some would say. William, anything else you want to say before we leave here? - Stop right there. - Brad's mom will shoot on your chest. - Wow, Brad Ben, do you think you could create more silence in the room? - Yeah, you're fucking idiot. I mean, that's already got a little weird. You're fucking idiot. Would you think that was going to be funny, dumbass? - Really, did you think that one was going to be funny? Bringing my fucking, my degrave, other backup? You fucking idiot. - You didn't have sucks with her, right? Sucks with your mom, dumbass. - Seriously, really? - I had us all set up here and I gave it to William and then you. - There you go, someone just broke up. - Breaking. Shit, someone just broke a beer bottle over their head right now. William, anything else you want to say before we get out of here? It's very easy, just fucking yell something, William. Fucking anything, really, it's just such an easy job at this point. You've created this entire world where all you have to do is literally just go, "I'm not trying to thank you! Good night everybody!" And then I name the things, and then we're fucking out of here. The thing, uh, wow, the holiday season, don't it? There you go, the holiday season, everyone. What an unbelievable climax we've come to. Have it out with Hanver, William Montgomery, everybody. Guys, make some noise for the Kiltzoni debut of the great Tony Yeo, everybody! This podcast is out in the beginning of 2026, find it. The real report. And how about one more time, Versa Vester Stallone, everyone. He's on tour, get tickets at KyleDanigan.com. Thank you to Talkspace, Red Band. Check out the SunsetStrip ATX.com's secret show at Versailles. How about a hand for the best stamp band in all of the land? We'll see you. I mean, this is it. This should be, uh, yeah. It should be basically the week of the New Year's Eve show. So we'll see you at the Moody Center, um, this week for our biggest, uh, live show ever in Austin, Texas. Very, very exciting stuff. We love you. God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America. Thank you, goodnight, everybody. [Music] The SunsetStrip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. [Music]