#748 - ARI MATTI + EHSAN AHMAD

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Make some noise for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. And the best damn band in the land. This episode is brought to you by PrizePix. How about a hand for Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, that's where you would clap. Matt Muehling, John Dees, and this is the great Dee Madness on the bass guitar, everyone. What an episode we have for you this evening. This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world, and so much in store for tonight. Very excited about it. And before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's episode? Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This week, absolutely no different. I mean, wow. Sometimes it's fun to introduce new people. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's fun to have a guy from New York or Philly or L.A. or somewhere that you've never met before. This one is a homegrown episode. These two guys are absolute Kill Tony legends. One of them for being one of the best panelists. One of them for being one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Both of these men, while one of them looks like an American and the other one doesn't, the one that doesn't look like an American is an American. And the one that doesn't look like. The one that looks like an American is actually from the land of Estonia. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guests are Ari Matty and Ahsan Amar. Ahsan Amar! Ahsan Amar, Ari Matty. The Estonian assassin and the brown. And the brown. bomber. How exciting is this, ladies and gentlemen? Ari, welcome back to the panel of the show. Happy to be here. Me and Ahsan look like we're planning the next 9-11. This does look like the press conference for that. I'm getting the funding. We almost nailed it all. They shot down United 93, took a loss there. But we have to plow forward onto the next one. 9-11 press conference. You guys know how the show works. You both know it very, very well. Ahsan with one of the best jokes of 2025. The famous Indian woman's vagina joke. He says, do you want to see what an Indian woman's vagina looks like? And then he goes like that. You guys get it? Just a little slow audience here. It's a hairy vagina, everybody. This crowd, I don't know about this crowd. It might be some locals trying to fucking, I mean, look at the fucking Gucci fucking hoodies. Yeah, I should be with them. Douchebag. I should be with these guys. Yeah. What's up, Uncut Gems? What's up, the boys? Earrings and gel. It's a lot. It did look like you guys planned this. Yeah, 100, yeah. It wasn't planned, that guy says. Absolutely incredible. Are those real? You guys really have that? What do you do for a living? To have Gucci, and you don't work, you retired, you sold your company. What kind of company was it? It was what? Software. Software. What kind of software? What does it do? It's complicated. No, it was a company that integrated with SAP. We sold SAP. You sold SAP. What's SAP? SAP? Rich people are always real vague. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we sold it to SAP. We got the GBT. Yeah. Now we get into EBTs. It's a TLA. Yeah. Yeah, keep throwing more letters at us. Yeah. I think that's the right answer. You're coming across. You're coming across as a real FAG, so you should be able to explain what the company was that you sold, but if you're going to wear a Gucci hoodie out at night, I mean, you have some explaining to do, sir. Well, welcome to the show, everyone. You guys know how it works. Over 250 human beings signed up for tonight's show. Very exciting. If they get pulled out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Yeah. Some audience. Some audience member did it better than the man who's been doing it for 12 and a half years. This is where he panics and just starts hitting random buttons for no reason. Anyway, they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. There it is. And that interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview with them. They go from being a lucky comedian to being interviewed on the biggest live podcast in the world. They have no idea if they're going to get selected or not. I've pulled the name. We go wrangle them from the bar next door. And in the meanwhile, while that first bucket pull finds out that he or she is indeed about to have the opportunity of a lifetime, I have a golden ticket winner that's going to show you supposedly how it's done with a brand new 60 seconds. You guys get it? Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian tonight is the long-awaited return of golden ticket winner. This is Mason Bird, everybody. I was walking late at night and I saw these two women walking down the street and one of them looked at her friend and said, oh, my God, that guy is so creepy. But the other lady, the other lady looked at her friend and said, it's not like he can catch us anyways. I turned around. I fucking stopped. The bitch was right. I couldn't catch her. She was so fucking fast. Uphill. Not a good advantage. I was talking to a trans woman. Don't ask why. And she asked me, she said, Mason, do you believe in trans women? Do you think they're real? And I was like, I view trans women the same exact way I view God. Only in a time of dire knees, you will find me on my knees praying. There you go. Mason Bird ending with a big applause break there. Was there something else? I'll do a quick little one. Okay. I think abortion should be legal. All right. But every time you get one, you get a teardrop tattoo on your face. Catching bodies out here. There you go. Way to set the tone. Mason Bird with the first new minute of the night. Welcome. Welcome back, Mason. Thank you for having me back, Tony. Absolutely. How's it going? Pretty good. I got fired from Jersey Mike's. Oh. Was it because of talking about it on this show? No, I was 28 days late and they caught me stealing three sandwiches. When you hire you, you know you're going to steal some sandwiches. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. What are we doing here, Manny? Yeah. What are we doing? You were 28 days late? In a row, yeah. Oh, got it. In a row. I was like three minutes late every day because I hated my boss. It was horrible, yeah. Wow. So that's what it takes to get fired from a Jersey Mike's. Yeah. I was also pretty bad at the job. How can you be mad? How can you be bad at making sandwiches? I wasn't very fast. I was always in the back doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing, like eating the cookies or, you know, so I'd mix pops together. They'd get really mad about that. You mix pops together? If you do like Mountain Dew and like cherry, you make your own code red. If you just. Look at you. Jesus Christ. A real chemistry set over here. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It feels like cherry Mountain Dew is your blood type. Yeah. It's Mountain Dew Live Wire, actually. Are there any more wild mixtures or food experiments that you're good at? Food mixtures? Yeah. I love just. I call it doing chopped at the house where I'm like, let's make tacos but with potatoes apples and see what we can get. But that's just like-- hungry i have no food um i've been doing this new thing to try to lose weight right if you eat a piece of you eat the cheese and then like the actual bread it feels like you're eating two slices instead of one jesus christ oh wow this is incredible jesus christ that's the fattest thing i've ever heard yeah hell yeah you said tacos and then listed the two most disgusting ingredients for tacos i think i've ever heard in my life i've been trying a new thing a potato and apple taco hell yeah so you put those in a taco shell or you're using the potato as the shell i should do that it's such a good idea dude i should flatten it and fry it and make into a tortilla um i have good fat guy ideas i uh i have some i was really uh i came home a little bit tipsy the other night and i made myself a sandwich in the middle of the night you would love this red band this was so you this is the most you thing i think i've done all year i had a sandwich and uh the only side look at my fridge and there's a you know a little you know one of those yogurt there's like a little yogurt there and i opened the yogurt and i have the sandwich but i forgot to grab a spoon so i fucking started dipping the sandwich straight into the yogurt ate it dipped it's normal shit oh normal okay is that a normal fat guy thing mason i mean i'm fat but jesus christ yeah it's wild it's funny i eat like a fat guy sometimes and look at me god loves me what do you think the fattest what is one of the guiltiest fattest like just ab what you were you're like god i can't believe myself he's ready here we go so what i do is i got like a like a party size bag of doritos and then i'll cut the top off like not the top like the side so you get like a bowl and then you put meat you just make a bag of nachos all right sad all right what a party that's frito pie but with doritos pretty much exactly red band is the senior disgusting food correspondent here live on the scene how about you do you have any confessions i mean you literally have no shame in your game you post in the middle of the night i mean my favorite of course the the classic you take an olive garden bread stick and you put your finger all the way through it so you hollow it out and then you just pour alfredo sauce inside of it holy shit it's like a gusher an italian gusher oh my god brian red band ladies and gentlemen wow it's a fat off your turn what's yeah what do you got it's a fat off how do you top that big boy big boy oh man oh fuck um i gotta try that later he's hard as a rock right now for those of you just listening to the podcast he has a blatant erection at the thought of a hollowed out olive garden bread stick filled with alfredo sauce do you eat that or have sex with the red band there you go mason anything else crazy happening in your life um let's see uh half black sister um half black she's addicted to huffing keyboard duster so that's a fun thing we're doing a what keyboard duster it's like whip it i guess oh oh yeah so she's half black so you guys have the same mom yeah my mom came back uh what do you what do you she's older so like what they say once you go by you never come back um oh yeah you have an older half black sister and what does this uh computer duster addiction how is this affecting her life um she she got into a car accident because she was huffing and it made her pass out um with her kids in the car oh boy wow sorry shelby sorry wow i used to do that shit too uh like wait what wow our senior top pig correspondent is here i could tell you from the beginning it's been a long time since i've done this uh and pop but we used to shoplift keyboard cleaners for myers and we would hit it it'd be like poor people with whippets pretty much wow and my friend did it while he was driving and he passed out and i had to pull up the emergency break and we crashed his car and he blamed me for it i'm like dude we're going towards a train like what the wow absolutely amazing have you ever taken uh olive garden breadstick emptied it and sprayed computer duster in it and then inhaled through the olive garden because we could hit black belt levels of pigotry mason you had a solid minute anything else for mason guys i love that trans god joke so good yeah it was it was it was a really good one trans god joke and it was impressive after you you did the joke after everyone gave you the applause for that one and you landed that as well i thought that was really tough awesome yep great stuff mason you're showing the difference between a golden ticket winner and a random bucket poll and this is the part of the show where we go to the bread and butter of the show if you will the bucket now this is where we meet people anything can happen they could be the future it could be an insane person ladies and gentlemen your first bucket poll of the night goes by the name of luke aaron everyone luke aaron um i think that people need to stop making fun of lizzo i mean she's one of the most popular artists of our generation and i just heard that she's starring in a new anime show um i'm not sure if y'all have heard of it it's a avatar the last chair bender um i think it's funny that people use the same word of the thing that turns them on also as an insult like a girl will be like i need some dick right now and then she'll also be like that guy's being such a dick but then guys will do it too they'll be like you know i can't wait to get some pussy tonight and then they'll be like bro why are you being such a pussy but i mean i'd be lying if i said that i don't also do that because i say to my friend come on man why are you being such a retard you know i'm sorry if that joke offends you i'm just looking for my special someone thank you that's all i got okay luke aaron are you maddie number one how long have you been have you done stand-up sorry i like four months like four months number one suggestion to everybody who watches kill tony and everyone's done this when they start stand-up yes the mic stand is the focus point of the vision of the crowd right now that needs to be out of the way as soon as you get on stage move it over as soon as you get on right now half the crowd look at him they look at the stick they don't even see your cool hat thank you thank you yeah okay okay that's just a suggestion thank you and you got to put the mic up closer to your mouth okay i'm sorry command and control of the room okay okay there you go and also hold it more naturally you're like uh it's creepy yeah you're sorry there you go okay okay okay so luke let's talk about it what made you how old are you i'm i just turned 26 26 what made you want to start stand-up a few months ago um well i was just i had two jobs after i graduated college i was hating them and so i wanted to try something fun what were the two jobs i had i was managing a restaurant and then i had a sales job okay what was the restaurant it was in greenville it's called sully steamers and what what what type of food did they have it was like a uh it was like what was it called again sully steamers sully steamer it's it's not a sponsor gucci guys asking questions shut the fuck up gucci guy was that in south carolina shut the fuck up dude you fucking god i hate you it's rich okay it's rich people attitude no mic in the crowd it's a rich people attitude no mic in the crowd it's a rich people attitude no mic in the crowd so tell me look at him with his fucking pink drink this entitled fuck gucci hoodie pink drink just asking his own questions like he's on panel tonight god i hope you get hit by a car after the show get him all right so luke yes sir one job was the salty steamer which sounds like a gay sexual maneuver it was and the other one was a sales job what were you selling i was selling windows and doors windows and doors well that must have been easy everybody needs windows and doors no sell me a window or a door right now door to door just go to someone that doesn't have a door like hello is anybody in there good news for you do you feel a draft in the building exactly have you ever had to look outside so how would you do windows and doors would you go door to door was it a phone call job no it was even worse it was like i was i was the kind of person that's like standing uh when you're about to go into a store and like try to get your attention oh you have that face by the way thank you it's always cutie patooties like you okay yeah don't want to talk to me about fucking that's the worst that's the worst insult i've ever got so let's hear it let's say a guy like asan is walking up to where would you be lows or something like that i would assume he didn't have a home right but well yeah there you go okay luke luke with his biggest punch of the night right thank you thank you quick on his feet so but seriously if he obviously he would need windows and doors for a building i need to take down okay so i'm a willing customer so i'll be like hey how old is your home uh that's how you open i knew he didn't have one i knew he didn't have one is your home yeah exactly i know i know yeah and then i would say and then how old is your uh you know daughter that was my i'm kidding i'm kidding forget it forget it forget i know Okay, too far, too far. I would say, how old is your home? And then they would say, you know, it's this many years old, which would mean it was either wood or vinyl. And then I would say, oh, so I'm guessing there's draftiness or rust or whatever it was made of. It was, I hated it. All right, yeah, I could see why. I hate it, too. That's what I'm trying. Yeah, thank you, thank you. Okay, so Luke, you're 26. You just started this. What have you learned in your few months of doing stand-up, of doing open mics? What surprises you about this industry? Tell it to the people at home. I'm surprised how many people are trying it that are horrible at it. Right, and you are part of that. No. I know. But it's good. Too many windows, not enough mirrors. Ahsan Ahmad. This is, oh, the lights have been activated, ladies and gentlemen. Ahsan has activated the lights. That means that the lighting and sound guy in the back found that hilarious. Hilarious. A song. All right. So, Luke Aaron, here you are. You're chasing your dreams. What else surprises you about the industry? You do a lot of open mics? Not enough. Why haven't you been practicing? Why haven't you been trying hard, Luke? Part of me is scared that people will steal my jokes. Christmas is around the corner. I know. I know. I'm better at writing them than delivering them, to be honest. But, I mean, I just wanted to get a job doing something that I actually enjoy. And, you know, so that's why I'm here. But I still, I know I need practice. I should hit more open mics. I've just been working a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Working at what? A guy just the other week said he works at, what should I say it? Will I get in trouble? I don't know. I don't know what you're about to say. I work at a hotel and resort type deal. A hotel and resort here in Austin. Here in Austin. Okay. And is that, are you having fun doing that? You know, it's a job. Pays the bills. I don't love it. It's not my dream. What's your love life like, Luke? I actually have a girlfriend and we just did our three month anniversary. Three month anniversary. There's grown men cracking up at that. So what is the, you've got yourself in a trap, buddy. If you have her counting on the 27th or whatever, being a special day every month. I figured, I know. I figured that like, like if I turned, you know, 37 and I'm still like, I'm trying to become a comedian, then that might be like a red flag. But 26, you still got some room to, you got some wiggle room. What does this have to do with your? Well, I didn't hear what you said. How did you know? So like you said that you just celebrated. So you just answered a random question? You know, if in 11 years this isn't working out, well, that's why I did it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So Luke, I hear them sleigh bells. All right. So Luke, you said that you just celebrated your three month anniversary. Yes. How did you know it was your three month anniversary? What date does that land on? Oh, the 29th. Okay. So I was close by the way. Okay. So how did you know? How did that start? You started dating on the 29th. Did you ask her like, you were like, you want to be my steady girlfriend? Yeah. And that happened three months ago. Three months ago on the 29th. So then after a month, you're like, oh shit, it's the 29th. I got to do something special for her. She definitely reminded me. Okay. So what did you do on the 29th, your first anniversary? This is very exciting. I bought her a necklace. Oh my God. One month. That's all it takes. Four weeks of trickery to get a necklace. I know, I know. Four weeks of straight trickery, ladies. You get a necklace out of this fucking guy. All you have to do is. It was on sale. Well. My favorite part of that was listening to all the men in the audience slowly start to lose respect. Oh yeah. Exactly. Oh yeah. Exactly. What little they had left. Okay. So let me ask you this. This is the huge million dollar question. What did you do for her on the two month anniversary? What some people would call the paper anniversary. Or perhaps the yarn anniversary. You've heard of these gold, diamonds, silver, platinum. This would be the yarn anniversary. The two month. Normally it is a string of yarn. What did you do on the two month anniversary? Uh, argued. Ah. Hell yes. Looks like that necklace wasn't on sale quite enough. That's true. Okay. Do you bring your girlfriend to the open mics too? No. You're scared they're going to steal her? Yeah. Yes. Definitely. Yeah. Okay. Here's the billion dollar question. The world wants to know, Luke, the three month anniversary just passed a couple days ago. What did you do on the three month anniversary? There's this cool Texan guy like, "Come on, Luke. We're rooting for you, buddy." This guy's rooting for you right now. What did you do for her on the three month anniversary, AKA the oxygen anniversary? Uh, argued. Rooted. Really? Is this true? So you've spent- No, I mean, I don't, I don't remember. What did we do on the three month anniversary? We probably went for a walk. Wow. I don't know. Okay. What have you guys argued about the most? Just tell the truth. This is the, this is the vulnerable, compelling part of the interview. That's what makes this show different. I'm like, well, I'm, I grew up like super religious, so I'm, and I'm, I'm just trying to like go into like the real world and they like- Like regular people. Mm-hmm. So I'm having trouble with- Explain to us exactly what you mean by that. Be very specific here. Well, how religious? I mean- It's your argument that you got into, so you will know the answer to this question. I don't wanna- You don't wanna- I don't wanna say too much. Come on. It's okay. Well, I mean, just like- She'll understand. You're on a big show. My sisters had to wear skirts past the knee, so- Oh, yes. You know? Yes. Great. There's a guy booing skirts below the knee right now. I know. So, you know, I'm like, if on her Instagram, there's bikinis- Uh-huh. What's her Instagram? Jealous. What is it? Red Bam wants to know the answer. Jealous. Yeah. Be careful. Red Bam might invite you to the secret show. You know? There's, I mean, there's a whole bunch of- But then, yeah. I don't know. But then she goes, I went, I had, I went to like a super small Christian school. Yeah. And then she goes to a big school. A lot of- Anyway. What did that lady say? I don't know. I don't know. What? What? Mormon or Amish. That's what she said. It was- Oh. Independent fundamental Baptist. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. So, you only want to use the back door, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Wow. Wow. Yes. Amen. Wow. So, what types of things, what's the most religious thing you ever had to do? Is that really how long I've been interviewing this fucking guy? Jesus. I mean, I grew up going to church- Wow. Wednesday, Sunday morning, Sunday night. And then the school was part of the church. So, anyone that like wasn't really involved in the church was like an outsider. So, anytime I would even like I'm going to the grocery store, I'm thinking like those people are like lost people. And the goal is to- Recruit. Tell the recruit. Recruit. Exactly. Recruit them. And you would go up to them and you'd be like- How old's your home? Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Yes. How old's your church? Wow. That is crazy, Luke. So, what do your parents think about you dating for three months what you seem to think is a straight up hooker? Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Actually, I- She's a whore. By the way, that exactly you just said is what's going to get you in trouble. I know. That's going to be the part right there. But it was funny. Everyone enjoyed it. I know. There's no four month anniversary. No. Yeah. No four month anniversary. But we'll see. We'll see. Actually, they met her. I brought her home with me for a wedding. Oh my- What did she wear? Not enough. Wow. Look at that. No, but- Well, Luke, a very compelling interview. Welcome to the art form of stand up comedy. Here's a little joke book. You're four months in. Sign up again, Luke. Congratulations. Old lucky Luke getting up four months into his youthful career. Barely practices. Oh my God. That sound can only mean one thing. Make some noise for the lovely Heidi everybody. Brilliant. Smart. Beautiful. Charismatic. Tits. Tits. Who loves tits? There you go. All right. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. We've seen him before. It's been a while. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. It's been a while. Make some noise for your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. It's been a while. It's been a while. It's been a while. It's been a while. It's been a while. Make some noise for Charles Adams Jr., everybody. Let's go, Texas. It's been a while. It's been a while. Took me a whole two days to write that joke. Motherfucking big ass. Damn. Anyway, we went to the motherfucking bachelor party the other night and I got real wasted. I ain't even gonna lie. The dancer was dancing and I went to give her $20 and I threw up on her. I mean, I threw up on her pussy but I caught it in my mouth and I squirted in her pussy. I don't give a fuck. You know how I look. I look like I get fired from a lot of jobs, right? So one time I was bartending and this Indian guy came up to me and said, hey, my friend, can I have a Negroni? I was like, bitch, what you call me? Hey, that's my time. All right, Charles Adams Jr. Very interesting. I'm pretty sure that's assault. I'm pretty sure vomiting inside of a stripper's pussy is. $20, too. It was a squirt. Huh. Wow, is that real? No, that's a true story. What did she do? She couldn't tell because I put the $20 in like. Oh, wow. I tried to cover it up. Whew, what an industry. What an amazing industry that these strippers. What strip club was this? I don't know. Damn, for real? You want to know? It was Perfect 10. Perfect 10? Perfect 10. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was about a three. Yeah. I'm like, can I get my change back? Wow. Did they kick you out, or.? No, they couldn't tell. I covered up just enough. Oh, that is. But I did sneak out, though. I did get out. That is incredible. That is. I don't even know what to say about that. Just squirt. And then what did you do? Swallow the rest down or spit it out? Like, this is disgusting. It was frightening. I just held it together and I got out of the club. It was. Amazing. Outside, it was a different story. Amazing. Yeah. Wow. Well, your one-month anniversary is coming up any second. I've been with this woman, so. Uh, might be time to buy a necklace. Charles, you've been on the show numerous times over the past years, ever since we moved to Texas. Man. Tell us how life's going. Been on this show. This is six times right now, man. It's been doing great, you know? Yeah. I'm headlining this shit. Uh-huh. I'm gonna fucking roast the shit out of this motherfucker right now. What happened? Explain to the people what. He fucked up my minute, man. How did he fuck it up? He was just like. I was like, shut your retarded ass. I was like. This front row is filled with rich, entitled douchebags tonight. It is quite shocking. I definitely served him a couple of drinks before. Probably some Negronis. Sir, if you yell one more thing out, I'm gonna have him vomit on your crotch. So. Better get it together. Charles, anything else crazy happening in life? Tell us about it, man. Man, I'm. Let me see. I'm working security over at Cap City Comedy Club. Okay. Yeah, dealing with some. I mean, do you have to really deal with anything? It's up at the Domain. It's like a shopping center. I don't know. It's been there for years. I still am yet to even walk into the place. The Cap City, it's in such an odd place in the city. Yeah, but the. The just. Where's the restroom at, boy? Like, what the fuck? Why you. They call you boy like that? They call me boy, yeah. The Domain. Yeah. Up at the Domain. Just because they, like, dress like that, they fucking act stupid. To be fair, we didn't even know where the restroom was. So. Blah. It's right there. The handicapped restroom is right there. Yeah, man, they fuck with me, but, you know, I'll keep it strong. I'll still get paid. I'll still help them out. Ari Matty. Guys who wear T-shirts that say sportswear are never too sporty, are they? What's up, huh? This is a throwback. This is thickums, okay? I fit anything. I do feel like you've been gaining a little weight. Is that correct? It was Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving just passed, man. Oh, Jesus. You can't blame one day for 60 pounds. Yeah, that is. I'm trying to hold it together. You're supposed to cut the turkey. Fucking bitch. Does the zipper close? That's a good question. Does the zipper on your jacket close? I mean, you know, not right now. Because I'm nervous. It's like, nah, just stay open. All right. I ain't nervous. Just stay open. I gotta let people see me. You know, I got a really nice belly button. Charles, what's the craziest. You live by yourself? No, I got a roommate. Okay. Yeah. White boy. White boy. Two-bedroom? Hell yeah. How many bathrooms? Two bathrooms. Two bathrooms. So you have your own bathroom. Yeah, my shit clean, too. Okay. Is he clean? I don't go in this shit. Right. Okay, but here's a big question. What do you have in your refrigerator that would surprise us that's yours? Oh, you know the answer to this. Don't try to think of a number. Number two. We want that first one. Red Band, don't make a chicken noise. That's so. That is so. That is disrespectful. Do you have chicken in your refrigerator? I got baking soda in there. Okay. All right. Here you go, Red Band. This is an opportunity of a lifetime. There he is. It's only six seconds late tonight. Red Band, we're slow on the baking soda. He was taking bong rips tonight. That's a new thing he's been doing lately is bong rips before the one thing a week that he does that anybody sees. Nothing more professional than vodka Red Bulls and bong rips. This is my partner here, Brian Red Band. Charm gets filled with bacon fat. I know how to pick them fat. Is that what you said? Charles, what's your love life like? My who? Your love life. I mean, it's something. Oh, shit. Single, but, you know, something. Something's happening. I guess it's a little complicated. Okay, what's happening exactly? Fuck that bitch. Okay. What exactly is going on there? Well, a lot of other guys are fucking that bitch. Oh, okay. Not me. How do you know that? How do you know other guys are fucking your girl? I looked at her DMs. I was like, oh, who's. You looked at her DMs? Hell yeah. I was like, damn, who's this? Meanwhile, you're puking on strippers. I was stressed. I was stressed. I was stressed out, man. She can't DM a couple of guys. You are puking in pussies. I was stressed. At the perfect time. I was stressed. I had to take it out on somebody. So how'd you end up finding her DMs? I went through her tablet. Oh, my God. Look at you, just looking for trouble. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, who the fuck is Tyrone, bitch? Oh, yeah. She has a time. Yeah, yeah, they're all black. Oh, yeah. All black. Yeah, it's infuriating, isn't it? I hate it. Yeah. Yeah. Get you a good white boy. Fuck it. Let us come up. You can fuck him, but give me the money. You know what I mean? Yeah. I made, I let her start a, what's the feet, the feet finder shit. Yeah, I was like, get on feet finder, baby. Are you pimping out your girl's feet? That's what I, I ain't gonna say it too loud. Wow. Door guy jobs don't pay that much. I'm like, yeah, she has nice feet. Wow. You're into feet? You fuck her feet? Yeah. What? Yeah. I mean, I suck at it. I suck them a little. Hell yeah. Look at you. You're like San Quentin Tarantino over here. It's a prison and a foot fetish joke at the same time. You're not gonna, you can, it's impossible to do that. I just did it to almost no laughter or applause whatsoever. No, it's okay. No, it's okay. The people online will go, wow, that crowd sucked. Anyway, so when you're, you fuck her feet sometimes, what else do you do? You suck. You're, you're a freaky guy. Yeah, yeah. You suck those feet. Puking and pussies, fucking feet. You suck those feet. Damn. I be hungry, you know. I would expect. That's what, bitch. Yeah. You're into foot longs as well. Fine. Oh my God. No. All right. Yeah, that's gay. Charles, fun times. You already have a big joke book and that's set. This guy threw you off this racist. That's all good. Fuck you, bitch. Sorry, Charles. I'm robbing your ass in front of this motherfucker. This guy's gonna be asking you where the restroom is right after this. All right, there he goes. Charles Adams Jr., ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna keep it moving here. These interviews are flying. Time is flying tonight. All right. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Evan Quigley, everyone. Evan Quigley. Evan Quigley. I'm trying to understand, do my circumcision. They stole, they stole. It's gone. I think I still have enough left for a two and a half or three skin. I think that is the N word for vaginas. And queef would be the outward. I love eating pussy. It's like a board game or a game I never get bored of. Specifically, it's like Battleship. It's like Battleship, you know. C6, nothing? Cool, your turn. Necessity. They say necessity is the mother of invention. She must have been desperate or drunk the night rollerblades were conceived. I'm not sure who the father would be in that analogy, but I'm sure he wonders whether or not his son is gay. Okay. - Okay. Evan Quigley, welcome, Evan. How long have you been doing stand-up, buddy? Two years. I got a DUI in the middle of it, so I wasn't allowed in, like, bars for open mics, so. You weren't allowed in bars? Yeah, I had to wear, like, an ankle monitor that's in my sweat for alcohol. It's crazy. You don't have to drink at the bar. No, but, like, if someone spilled a beer or something, I'm back in jail. You kill somebody? Hold on. Yeah, wait. DUI, it was DUI. Just a regular old DUI. Here in the great state of Texas? No, in the great state of Florida. Oh, so in Florida. Florida, they have DUIs? Yeah. Jacksonville, DUI capital. So, was it your first DUI? Yes. And on your first DUI, they put a strap on your ankle that could sense alcohol. Technology's crazy, man. We're in the future. How fucked up were you? I totaled my car on some train tracks. Ah. So you were, like, next to the car when they arrived, all fucked up? Yeah, I called the cops on myself, actually. Really? I was worried about the train. I was like, uh. What if I get, like, a terrorist charge or something for blowing up a shipment, you know, supply chains? Wow. Okay. It was dumb. It was dumb. I want to get a tape of that call. Yeah. I don't want to be a terrorist or nothing. Yeah. Exactly. Wow. Our senior terrorist correspondent, the son of a. Yeah. You usually have to wait until the train is there to crash into it, so that's very. Right, yeah. I'll be proactive. So, I find this so interesting. I've never heard of a alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet before. That's what it was? It was on your ankle? Yeah, and I live in, like, a residential neighborhood, a lot of families, and I got into fitness because I couldn't drink. So, I was worried about the judgment of the ankle monitor, and I would put another sock under my sock and do, like, when I'm running, like, leg lifts at the stop sign so people think I'm stuck in the 80s and not, like, a rapist. I have no idea what you just said. I could. I'll never be able to make that out exactly, even if you repeat it a thousand times. I don't think it would ever actually make sense to me. Ankle monitors are kind of cool. It was fun. They kind of put people at, you know. People would just point at me and say, ankle monitor. Yeah. So, how long did you have to wear it for? A full year. A full year. You couldn't drink. Yeah. And you were afraid that someone would spill alcohol on your ankle, so you didn't even practice comedy? I wrote. I wrote. You wrote. Okay. Yes, sir. All right. What do you do for work, Evan? I'm a. I'm an arborist. I look at trees for people. I don't do anything with the trees. I just tell them that it's sick, and they pay me. It's kind of a good game. Oh, like a sick tree. What is a sick tree? It's a tree with yellow leaves. You kind of thought about that, huh? Didn't you? It can be sick. Are you confusing sick trees with fall? Yeah. Exactly. This guy's walking around. These are a bunch of sick trees. A lot of sick trees in September. Have you noticed this? Business is booming. Sorry. We need to take all these down. Evan, do you make good money doing that? Pretty good for, like, right out of college. How old are you? I'm 20. About to turn 25, 24. 25. You're 24. Okay. I am currently. Very easy question. When do you turn 25? Just out of curiosity, since you said you're about to turn 25 like a five-year-old does when they're about to turn six. I'm curious now. Same thing with the guy that had a three-month anniversary. How soon until you're. What's your actual birthday? It's in January. January 2nd. Wow. It is right around the corner. Do you have any big plans for this big birthday of yours? No DUI this year. Are you drinking again since everything's off? A little bit. I metered it. You've metered it? Yeah. Metered it. What do you mean by metered it? I don't let myself go crazy, you know? Like once I start wanting to sing Pearl Jam, I stop. Ah, there you go. That's a good joke. That's better than everything you did in your set. I would make that one of your jokes. I will. Okay, there you go. Do you ever talk about wearing an ankle monitor for a year? The leg lift thing, but I don't do that one much. It's not great. I don't want to portray myself as a rapist, you know? Where are you getting rapist from? You said this twice now, and it feels like you're confessing something. Yeah. No one's saying rapist. Even with his job, he was like, "I don't do anything with the trees." I just like. See if they turn yellow or not, you know? I don't like touch them or rub up against them or stare at them from across the forest for a while and then approach slowly. This tree's so weak. Yeah. You got bark, but do you bite? What do you say we branch out of here? I'm an arbor rapist. I'm not. Also a suggestion in comedy, I understand that hats can be like a comfort zone. A comfort zone for somebody, but yeah, if you put your hat really low, people can't see your eyes, and your eyes are the window to the soul, and it's really hard to relate. Sometimes guys will put the hat really low. It kind of sits. It's better. Do you always wear a hat? Is that like your. Always, yeah. Yeah. Maybe put it a little higher, you know? Yeah. A little higher. I like the fact that you're a rapist. Yes. Oh, there it is. It's very clear. All of a sudden, it's very clear. Evan, what else do you do? Do you have any special skills? Or hobbies? Or talents? Or anything like that? You seem like the kind of guy that knows how to jump rope really well or something. I wish. I try to sing. I've been trying to get out to do karaoke more and see if it's a talent, but it's not. Yeah, no. It's not. What else? What's in your pocket? Front pocket. Heavy, heavy, heavy pocket. Oh, that's my joke book. Okay. Oh. Yeah. I didn't want to. Nobody saw that. Okay. Nobody wants to see it. Yeah. This is my hobby. What else? There must be something else. You collect anything? Are you a fan of anything at all? I'm a fan of a lot of music. I like Rush. Oh. The band Rush a lot. Okay. I've been trying to get into movies. I watched Jackie Brown recently. Oh, you just watched that for the first time? Yeah. Amazing. It's the only movie D Madness likes, he just said. Hell yeah. Have you seen it? Yeah. Here we go. D Madness just said, "It's about time," as in, you finally said something funny. He'll get you. You try to make fun of D Madness. He'll get you. But there are some movies that you like listening to and you can just kind of digest it, huh, D? I love that. Are there any other ones that you can think of, like The Color Purple? Huh? Death Warrant. Death Warrant. Death Warrant. Death Warrant. Death Warrant. Oh, yeah. All right, Evan. Well, you were here. Congratulations. You got pulled tonight. Evan Quigley. We go on and on, ladies and gentlemen. This looks like a new name here. - Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Alexa Irizarry, everybody. Alexa Irizarry. - I had a great Thanksgiving this year. I found a Native American guy on Tinder. I don't know. by giving him syphilis. It's hard to date as a trans person because here's the thing. Straight men view trans women the same way they view Taco Bell. They want it when they're drunk. They're ashamed of what it does to their asshole. Dude, I love fucking with straight guys because sometimes they don't realize I'm trans. You know the name for those type of people? Retarded. So sometimes they'll come up to me and they'll be like, yo, can I buy you a drink? And I look them dead in the eyes and I'm just like, uh, nah, man, I ain't fucking gay. You're the man we ain't dealt with that fat shit on this show, right? Hell yeah, brother, you get it, man. It sucks I can't turn that voice off. Like, yeah, that's the sound that comes out when I orgasm. Thank you, guys. Holy shit. Alexa Irizarry showing the boys and the girls how to do it tonight. Yes. Absolute dominance. Welcome. Thank you so much, brother. Thank you, that's it, man. This is like looking in a mirror or something like that. It is crazy. It's my arch nemesis. It's like my venom. This is my venom. It's venom Hinchcliffe. I love it. Alexa, how long you been doing stand-up? About five years. That's awesome. See what I mean? We're the same. Five years. Where at? I started in Cleveland, Ohio. Oh, nice. Look at that. That's where you're born and raised? Yeah, I think I opened for you at one of the glory holes at the truck stops in Warren. Oh, okay. There you go. I've been performing at a lot of truck stops. This is true. Guilty as charged. Welcome, Alexa. This is absolutely incredible. So five years. How long have you lived in Austin? about four years four years what made you move to austin four years ago comedy uh no i was actually working uh construction sales because i got fired from doing porn oh my goodness how did you get fired from doing porn well here's the thing this is the only thing i learned from doing porn i am bad at sex okay i know this because they flew me into the shoot they flew me in on delta they flew me back in spirit oh my god this is amazing so you only did it once uh no um i shot for um the company is called groovy it used to be called shemale strokers you probably know what it is but by that tracksuit oh that's all i'm saying but no no it used to be called shemale strokers but they thought the name was offensive again there goes resident homo folk the madness i've seen enough of this shit the madness was like how many people are doing a set this bitch this bitch this bitch this bitch this bitch we sounded like death warrant oh my god wow okay so you did a lot of porn shoots yeah because uh back then like trans people couldn't get because i'm i like transition bc and for y'all good christians that means before christ uh for trans people it means before caitlin okay so you're oh gee you're a throwback you're you're like back when trans people used to get like bullied and stuff i know and that's honestly i loved it because i can only come when being called a perfect one more thing that you and i have in common absolutely amazing this is incredible i've i've met my i've met my match here today so caitlin you're an icon i love it yeah this is amazing so alexa what surprised you about shooting porn um honestly uh probably the biggest thing uh that surprised me is uh that the the guy will fuck you not on camera and they get really offended if you don't fake orgasms off camera the same way you do it on camera off camera so like when you say fake orgasms you mean like moaning because i don't like sex explain what you mean by that i i don't i've been raped too many times to like sex oh i've been raped so many times i bought my mom a t-shirt it says my son got raped four times all i got was a daughter oh my god did they did brought to you by i don't think now's the time to play the netflix sound effect we may have just lost our contract right then let me ask you this did the guy that raped you did he up in the comment on how yellow the trees were getting right beforehand he was only focused on how yellow my teeth were getting okay all right that's a wild answer alexa alexa so you literally don't like sex no i don't like the only thing i ever liked in the bedroom was one time my ex-boyfriend got on top of me put my legs over my head and then he died of a heroin overdose while trying to have sex with you yeah i don't yeah pretty much i'm from ohio you know how it is yes a lot of people do die from heroin overdoses especially in northeast ohio i'm six years sober from uh meth and heroin though okay all right how did the energy still die it stays with you how did you get sober what helped you get sober uh honestly um him dying to be quite honest oh um uh i remember that's actually kind of why i started doing comedy because one time i was like i was digging through a trash can um while i was on meth at our dealer's house because you know on meth and um i was we were john mulaney's special uh new in town was playing in the background wow this is the gayest part of your whole set this is incredible that's when you know you have to get your life together no um but yeah so i was like i want to do that one day and he was like you're not funny uh so then i was like i want to prove him wrong you know so amazing he's dead yeah i mean now he's looking up at you from wherever he is thinking wow she really did it so uh other than him dying was there things that you did to to fill that gap of uh of uh meth and heroin two of what seems to be the most addictive things in the world uh probably well besides cock no just kidding uh but no well i just can't like no um i got back into what i was like doing like before i did all this and i was like oh my god i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die like i started college at 16 i studied russian language in mandarin um i was into politics i wanted to be a lawyer when i was younger can you say things in russian and oh shit looks like someone's gonna have a pierogi in his ass later you're about to get a little potato filling up there huh oh my goodness multiple languages good at comedy it's almost like you have the brain of a man wow this is amazing wow i love the energy you came out with by the way you took over the stage beautiful job holy it is incredible clearly you are made to do this uh my goodness so how do you make money now alexa um i have an only fans okay uh not going well i only have one subscriber all right yep i pay good money for that uh wow uh where can people find your only fans you will probably get more now if you want to promote it uh yeah jasmine steel seven on um only fans stream mate and strip chat there you go red band just made multiple accounts um okay so alexa tell us what else would surprise us about being trans in texas you've been here for a long time i've been here for a long time i've been here for a long time i've been here for a long time i've been here for four years um is there anything else that you deal with do you make a good cup of coffee i've noticed that trans people make the best baristas do you drink coffee uh no those are the non-binary it's okay good to know i don't know the difference uh you could tell by the purple color hair and the annoyingness in their voice i like that so you're kind of anti-trans uh no yeah no i don't think people i think it's a mental illness to be quite honest yes keep going keep going you're about to become the next president of the united states just keep the momentum going holy shit keep telling us you're very close you could win the 2028 election if you just keep i just found out you've been booked on joe rogan experience the texans in the front are literally like i'll vote for that bitch this is amazing amazing alexa so you did become when did you start to feel like a woman when in your life uh the first time my dad's dick was inside me your actual father no i mean i'm from cleveland you think i know my actual father i don't i don't know anymore um honestly it is one of those things i do think it's a mental illness it was from probably my earliest memories i remember um i would always put on my mom's dress hiding in her closet you know things like that whenever she was at work so uh just from my earliest memories and then at the time you had to wait till you were 18 to do it so just the minute i turned 18 i started hormones amazing what did your mom say about that when that happened uh well um she said um i don't want to live with a freak and then she kicked me out for a little bit uh but she's come around honestly she's one of my biggest supporters and i love my mom more than anything oh that's amazing i love that alexa so fun anything else for alexa you're a star i love it thank you so much yeah sometimes people think it's always like too late to start stand up when to start stand up but you lived such a full life that now you have perspective to take it and you're like oh my god i'm so happy to tell it and it's awesome and it shows thank you so much i really appreciate that seems like you're yeah a son and just the straight up roller coaster that this whole experience was with you yeah from the set being like that fucking i got raped yeah i'm off heroin to the guy died inside of me to you could be president to my dad raped me to like just amazing to shitting on people with purple in the hair and you have purple in your hair there's just a touch of purple back there there's a little bit back there you are a you are a pure entertainer so funny so haram i love it hell yes alexa sign up again pretty please let's see if you can catch this joke book oh shit got it unbelievable she catches like a man ladies and gentlemen holy shit how about one more time for the kill tony debut of alexis alexa irazeri everybody isn't that something well we have momentum ladies and gentlemen and your next comedian is one of the newest most prolific regulars in the show's entire history ladies and gentlemen i present to you the dark storm of atlanta this is dedrick flynn kill tony uh i was uh i ate an edible the other day and i was like oh my god i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i ate an edible the other day and i was like oh my god i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i ate an edible the other day and i was like oh my god i'm gonna die i ate an edible the other day and i started watching the blind side what the fuck is that movie all right nobody ever told me this movie's gonna be bullshit when i started it uh so you've seen the blind side you know what i'm talking about so All the blinds I was supposed to be about was this dude named Michael Orr. It's a real person, and he played football, but he was a homeless teen in Memphis, and he got adopted by a white family, and they get a nigga white privilege, and he made it to the NFL, all right? And that's a beautiful movie, all right? That's a beautiful movie. That is the sequel to Remember the Titans. It's got football and America. Everybody could come together. And then somebody in Hollywood was like, let's make this nigga retarded. Right, I don't even like using that word, all right? I don't even like using that word, but they made that nigga retarded. They made it for no reason. Let me tell you, the first scene where he get adopted by Sandra Bullock, right? He get adopted by Sandra Bullock. She walk him into the house. They walk him up the stairs, and they walk him into a bedroom, and he goes, what's that? And then Sandra Bullock says, it's a bed. That nigga know what a bed is. I've coached so many retarded, and all the fucking special needs, them niggas go to sleep when they know where they're going to sleep. Crack heads make beds out of anything. This nigga know what a bed is. Then later on in the movie, later on in the movie, just to make sure you know this nigga is dumb as fuck, and it's not a real, he's not dumb. He made it, he's doing good. He made a lawsuit against it and won it just recently. This is the way they fucking did it. They said, hey, hey, Sandra Bullock, your new son that you brought to this private school to play football, we gave him these tests to see where he's at. They said, you got a zero in math, zero in science, zero in social studies, zero in everything, but don't worry, he scored 100% in protective instincts. That's not a test they give humans. Who got the highest protective instinct? That's the shit they give, the canines that become police dogs. I'm done. Dedrick Flint with a new two-minute, 20-second set is only our regulars get to do. Very powerful. The dark storm has arrived. Welcome back, Dedrick. Good to have you back, buddy. God, I fucking miss you. I had a good time in Atlanta, but that whole Monday, I was so used to coming out here from doing it week to week, I couldn't wait to fucking get back. Dude, this is so fucked. This club is fucking gorgeous. This fucking stage, the band, everybody's so fucking good. Y'all don't know what it feels like to walk out here, but it is better than drugs. I used to sell them. I used to sell them, so I know what they do, and it doesn't do this, all right? This shit is fucking great. I love it. Fuck yeah. Perfect analysis. It is true. Mondays are weird without the show. Once you're part of this thing, Mondays are really weird for Red Band and I if we ever, ever randomly have a Monday off. It's been, what, like seven times, maybe six times in 12 years? Yeah. Yeah, that we take one off, but we back tape those episodes so that we can take a Monday off if we ever want to take one. Oh, look at this. Look who sensed a straight man on stage. Here he is. D Madness. He heard the blind side and like, they're talking about me? A saw, a bar. Oh, my God. Ha ha! Oh, my God. D Madness, did you hear what I did about you? So, Dedrick, welcome back. Ari, Matty, this is a co-regular of yours. Yeah. Dedrick, you know what I'm about to say. How crazy is it that the day you became a regular, both of our personal Facebooks reminded us that you're a regular. It reminded us that we were at an open mic together seven years ago. Yeah, I was. On that day. How crazy is that? I don't remember. Same day, October 27th. And I remember that open mic that it was horrible. Is it for you? It was. By the way, he's right. I smashed that bitch. By the way, you're right, because I remember you killed it. And I remember, it's just funny how in comedy you meet somebody and then, like, I didn't see you for seven, I didn't even know you live in Austin or something. And I saw you. I saw you at Sunset. I just wasn't sure it's you. Yeah. Because we never really talked and then you became a regular. So that shows what happens if you just stay persistent and keep writing and keep pursuing your dream. So that's awesome. That is true. I mean, imagine if he would have started and been scared that people were just going to steal his jokes so he didn't perform that often at all. You sent me a great message and that made me real happy, like the same night that you said it and I saw you, because it was on your Facebook because it's on your Facebook, and I didn't get the message and you saw me. Actually, the whole Kill Tony Mafia family has been fucking great to me. Actually, last Monday, I was at David Lucas' house filming his fishing podcast. This nigga is rich as fuck. Dave Lucas is the fucking black Georgia Tony Soprano. His house just got shit in it for no reason, and he fat. He definitely is fat. Is that a new grill I'm seeing there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I got it. He different now. Oh, I'm not going to lie to you. He different now. I'm doing good. I'm doing good. I got the Kill Tony tattoo that I got. I told you that I got that. I sent it to you. I got it dated. I got it made a regular. This shit is fucking fantastic. I'm making so much money. I bought my mama an Uber from Augusta, Georgia to Atlanta, Georgia on Thanksgiving. Daring back. I'm doing good. I couldn't pay to fix the car. I always love to see it. I always love to see the come up. You know, when we first had Cam Patterson on, he said, I'll never stop wearing sweatpants and white t-shirts and sandals. That shit ended like three weeks later. He hasn't worn it since. When David Lucas became a regular, he also got a new grill. It was a George Foreman, and he made everybody grilled cheeses. He got terrible teeth, too. David Lucas does? Yeah, David Lucas got bad teeth, but he cooked good. Okay. Wait, did you just add another layer of grill? Did you just do, like, a magic trick or something? Well, here's the thing is, Tony, I'm not gonna lie to you. I already talked to the man. We was working on this song that we wanna do right now for Kill Tony right now. We gonna debut it right now. Okay. All right. Okay. Oh, shit. Hey, yo, Mike, give it to me. How about a hand for Dedrick Flynn? I came up on the money just to kill Tony. I showed up on the money just to kill Tony. I'm making blue facts. That's on Red Band. I'm making blue stacks. That's on Red Band. I'm making foreign money. I got a call to Ari. My pocket's looking good. You can call him Hottie. Yeah, my pocket's fat. David Lucas. I'm talking David Lucas. First pull, first round, I'm regular. My sense is good, but ain't enough on regular. I showed up on a Monday just to kill Tony. Let me hear y'all. Showed up on a Monday just to kill Tony. I showed up on a Monday just to kill everybody. I'm talking blue stacks. I'm talking fast, just to kill Tony. I'm talking good shit. Wow. That's amazing. Oh my God. I love it. Dedrick, you are absolutely killing it. Ari, what do you think about this guy? They do love grills in Atlanta. Yeah, you win with me. Atlanta is the only place where I've seen a sign that says grills on happy hour. Yeah. I didn't know grills was a decision that you just walk past and see a sign and you're like, "Ah, I'll be like that." There's a lot of white people in here. These gold teeth are called grills. I know you was looking at me like, "I got a green egg in the house. I got a green egg with a ballad in it." Is that how you talk? Is that how you talk? Because I can look at him and tell. Yes, it is. He hasn't been able to shut up all night. He is so retarded that he didn't know what a bed was. Let's put it that way. Oh my God. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. Oh my God. I love it. Dedrick, you are absolutely the man. Welcome back. We'll see you again next week. The unstoppable force that is Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. And back to the bucket we go. We have a one-word name. This is always interesting. It's either usually great or horrible. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Mitch, everybody. Here comes Mitch. All right. One more time for Mitch, everybody. As y'all can tell, I'm used to pulling. out uh so yeah my uh my name's mitch it's like a bitch but with an m that was my nickname all throughout school and then finally i moved out of my dad's house yeah he uh he taught me that my name was my nickname was a hand-me-down from my mom right but it's cool because my mom taught me that my nickname, or that my dick, is a hand-me-down from my dad. Because it's small. Yeah, my bad. Just a little nervous. We got this, though, boys and girls. Speaking of which, I don't have much luck with the ladies. So, I don't know why, but my parents could decide on one thing, and it was that I needed a hat. So they went ahead and went with the blue-chew hat, right? And I was like, Mom, Dad, how's that going to help me get laid? And they're like, well, because, you know, women will read it and get super horny and then want to fuck you. I was like, how dumb do you think they are? And they're like, if they're fucking my son, dumb enough. Thank you, guys. All right, Mitch. Let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up? About two and a half years. Where at? San Marcos. And then I moved to Austin. Austin. But I started having seizures. So it's like. Oh, shit. Why'd you start having seizures? I think it's from gabapentin. What is that? I was prescribed it. What is that exactly? For me, it was a nerve blocker. I got my back blown out. Okay. Tony, someone else you have something in common with. Yeah, this is amazing. Okay. How did you blow out your back? I, arguably. Probably from the army, but it wasn't while I was in things. It was a little bit afterwards. It just kind of happened. But it was a herniated disc and that was most likely from the army. And then it pinched my sciatica nerve. So then that's like a nerve that goes all the way down your leg. Yep. So I can't feel half my toes. Right now? Yeah. At all. Yeah. Okay. Since 2023. Since 2023. And that's how long you've been on this medicine? Yeah. I stopped taking it in July of this year, my 28th birthday. Yes, because I made it past 27. Uh-huh. Okay. A lot of grown men celebrating their weird birthdays in this episode. Well, at 27 Club. Okay. If it can happen to them, it can happen to me. Oh, shit. The most innocent human on the stage, Matt Muehling, every once in a while, strikes. He has no mercy for people that have a lot of seizures. Yeah. You don't get into the 27 Club by being a random fag. So you stopped taking that medicine. And then how soon after did the seizures start? Like two weeks. Okay. Yeah. And then what's that like? I don't know. But the girl that was with me left me, like in a puddle of my own blood and piss. Why were you in a pile of blood? You hit your head or something? No, I bit my tongue. Oh, shit. Yeah. I was like. And she just left you like that? She smoked my. Yeah. And then. She what? She smoked my weed. Oh. That's legal in Austin, Texas. And then I left. Yeah. She was high and you're freaking the fuck out on the floor. No, it was right in the morning. So I was in bed. Yeah. You hadn't smoked yet? No. I was asleep and then I guess the sun triggered it. When you say that it's legal in Austin, you just mean. You just mean regular weed. You're making a joke. Or it's with some kind of weird Delta 8 or something? Well, I have family that I'm going to hopefully have watch this that are in different states and I don't want them to look down upon me. You think that you smoking marijuana once in a while is going to be what. Not the blue shoe hat. Right. All right. I mean, okay. So you're sure that you had the seizure? Yeah. She smoked your pot after that? I'm positive I had the seizure. But I mean, you're positive that she smoked pot after. She told me. She said, "Yeah, I left you. I smoked some pot and then I left." Yes. She said that my cat, Timothy, was going, "Meow, help." Asking her. I have text messages. She woke. The cat, Timothy? Yeah. Timothy. What? T-I-M-I-T-H-E-Y. What? Like timid, fee, courageous cat. Like courage is a cowardly dog. Am I having a seizure? I was just going to say. What's happening? It is crazy. Are you having a seizure right now? I smell burnt toast. Okay. All right. Okay. Let's just skip this. What did you do in the army? I was a forward observer, 13 Fox. What exactly does that mean? Fire support specialist. So like I would get grade coordinates for field artillery and then send it to field artillery so they would shoot it. To Palestine? No. No, this was back in 2016 to 2020. Does me sitting here give you some sort of PTSD? All of it. Yeah. Amazing. What do you do now, Mitch? How do you survive? VA disability. Got it. I'm actually looking for a job right now, but it's hard because I can't drive for another. Until the end of this month. Why? Because of seizures. Oh, because of seizures. Yeah. When's the last time you had your last seizure? Three months ago. Okay. And what exactly happens? Is there something that tends to give you a seizure? No, it's always whenever I'm waking up. Interesting. And how many do you think you've had? Four. Four? Yeah. Do you always bite your tongue and leave a mess? Yeah. Wow. How long do they last? Anywhere between, from what I'm told, a minute to three minutes. Okay. Yeah. But I think it's from gabapentin. Doctors don't, so it's up in the air. Ooh, interesting. So this is an interesting thing. The doctors are defending the big pharmaceutical company directly to your face. Yeah. But you never had a seizure before that, and you had one two or three weeks after quitting the medicine. Right. Interesting. And they'll defend it. Right. All the way. Right. Interesting. I'm not a conspiracy theorist. Me neither. But I find that also interesting. Things are coincidental. Yes. Okay. So Mitch, give us another fun fact about your life. I used to work at a helicopter company. Whatever. Not as the pilot or anything. I was a photographer. Okay. Yeah. So I'd take photos of the people that were going on the helicopter. It's just south on 35. Okay. Yep. All right. All right. What's your love life like now, Mitch? Single. Okay. Yeah. I live by myself with my cat. Your cat, timid, timid-thee, the third or whatever the fuck. Timid-thee, courageous cat. How long have you had this cat? Three and a half years. I got him whenever my back got blown out. That's so surprising. Again, the phrasing. I know. The phrasing is fucked up. The phrasing is crazy. Got my back blown out. Yeah. Yeah. When you get a seizure when you're having sex, would it cause infinite energy? Because if a girl gets a seizure while I'm banging, it's pretty hot. Some people are into that. So after they found out about it, I've woken up with them just flashing a light in my eyes that night. Damn. Yeah. I had my first blue chew in Mexico, by the way. Oh, really? Yeah. Ah. Was it a brown chew? Okay. What was that like? Crazy. First time I've ever had it. You ever had a dick billet, son? Nope. Yeah. It's like I don't even know how to continue life without it. Like maximum potential. All times. Wow. After coming, still the vein is still there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't even know how to continue life without it. Like maximum potential all times. Wow. I'm still living. Still the vein is out. When you woke up after that first night, were you wearing that jumpsuit that you're in? All right. Wow. Mitch, anything else crazy about your life we should know about? Okey dokey. I really like the Lime Scooters. And I've been getting back into religion and feeling like everything happens for a reason. And I feel like the seizures were. I feel like the seizures were a good thing that happened low key because it taught me how to get out more and how to be more productive using the things around me and not be anxious. like that. Good answer. Keep writing. Keep signing up. It'll get better, Mitch. Here's a medium-sized joke book. There you go. There goes Mitch, everybody. All right. Sometimes interviews just go back to seizures and the cat every once in a while. Is that thing in there good and deep, Heidi? Now it is. Very good. The old tape the microphone. The old taping the microphone. Just how it all started in the beginning. Twelve and a half years ago we were taping our microphones together and now look back at our roots nothing like one of the biggest shows in the world and we have red duct tape that's how you know we made it back when we first started we just had regular old black duct tape okay you guys still having fun out there back to the bucket we go ladies and gentlemen make some noise for Sancho Pancho Villa a lot of people can't tell by looking at me but I am a veteran I used to let the crowd guess what branch I was in but with every guess my feelings kept getting hurt more and more so I'll just tell y'all I actually served six years in high school JROTC I'm just kidding I'm just kidding I was only in high school JROTC I was only in high school JROTC I was only in high school JROTC for four years no I should also mention after high school I went and served in the Marine Corps for four years let's go hoorah yeah I was 5'3 when I went in and then I came out at 5'1 so I lost two inches where it really mattered there's a lot of disadvantages to being short but some advantages to being short in the Marines for instance when I would walk through fields with tall grass I didn't have to worry about snipers anymore I would however have to keep my eyes peeled in the sky for like hawks I heard other large birds crazy story a hawk actually tried to pick me up one time it got like a foot and a half off the ground before dropping me I guess even mother nature was like eh too much cholesterol thank you I'm Sancho Pancho Villa Sancho Pancho Villa I gotta tell you dude you are one of the most adorable things I've ever seen in my entire life I didn't know that baked potatoes could do comedy this is absolutely adorable how old are you 31 31 years old have you ever accidentally used you look like you would accidentally like roll down a hill or something like that do you roll your ball shaped yeah whenever ice is over in Texas I gotta be careful it's like very easy for me to be top heavy you have to be scared of two kinds of ice that's incredible Sancho Pancho Villa absolutely amazing did the kids used to bully you and make you a soccer ball at any point nah most of the kids in my high school were the same height as me at that time so amazing amazing so what do we call you are you considered a what are you what are you I'm just a regular 5'1 Mexican man okay all right I guess it's like I guess it's the width that kind of makes it kind of makes you more compact looking yeah you seem a little a little uh a little um oh there's right bam it's also my eyes my eyes you guys are shaped the same he's just slightly taller than you Sancho Pancho Villa over here so tell us about your life Sancho is that your real name Sancho Pancho uh it's a nickname so uh Sancho is a term of endearment in the Hispanic community that's what the Mexicans laughing at you right now if you're wondering what that noise is it pretty much means side dude so side dude yeah side dude okay why do you go by that uh well you know whenever I used to work out a lot and I was like more fit I used to like sleep around with like committed women so Really? You mentioned this last time. You're proud of fucking guys' wives and shit like that. You can hide everywhere when they come home, huh? I can get out most average-sized windows on 5'1". Yeah. Ah, windows. Tancho. Windows is an ongoing theme in this episode. I don't remember this from your last time. Remind us, how many married women do you think you've slept with in your life? If you had to guess, just a ballpark. Not to be specific, but probably like 18. Wow. So this is what you're into, specifically, is married women. Well, I'm not into it that much anymore. Can you fucking imagine, by the way? Can you fucking imagine? Yeah. Like, what's his name? Charles Adams Jr. was mad that his lady was hooking up with Tyrone. Imagine, just for a second, imagine you fucking, you pull into your place early. From work one day, and you see this fucking human pillow crawling out of a fucking window. This Tempur-Pedic Tommaso over here. This fucking little softy Sancho. This little fucking Garbanzo. What do you think about all this? It's almost like karma took it out on him in real time. You're gonna fuck 18 married women? 5'1". That's the deal. You want to be a side piece, you'll be a wide piece. My goodness gracious. So when's the last time you slept with a married woman? Oh, man. Not to be specific, but probably like three months ago. Wow. So, like, where did you find this woman? Give us an example. We want to walk a day in the life of Sancho Pancho Villa. How do you fuck these women? Yeah, how do you do it, dude? With a step ladder, usually. I don't know. Come on. No, give us the real tea here. All these, like, hanging out, you know, just like on the bar scene. I'm really good at, like, shooting. I'm good at shooting pool. Yeah. You know, I can shoot pool really well. So, just hanging out, drinking. And then, you know, I see someone that kind of looks heartbroken. I'm like, hey, looks like you're having a hard night. Like, you know, just trying to be that, you know, lap or shoulder to cry on. It's always those guys that fuck your wife. It's never the big, handsome guy. It's always little Pancho in the corner. And they'll be like, oh, you know, just my, you know, baby daddy ain't shit. You look like a pillow to cry on. Yeah. Yeah. Because I was like, you know, it's mostly ghetto women with, like, baby, like, no shit baby daddies. God damn. Yeah, you know, like. Wow. Yeah. You a small motherfucker, huh? So, three months ago was the last one. Take us through it. Exactly what happened. You're at a pool hall? No, well, a bar with pool table. Yeah, but that one, exactly three months ago. How did you find that one? Yeah, so I was at a pool hall. Wow. And I was just, like, waiting for my turn on the table. Now, when you play pool, are you, like, visual? Visualizing being the cue ball? Yeah. I'm one with the ball, yeah. No, and so, yeah, and so, like, I just, like, was looking around, and, like, my buddy had gone to the restroom, and I saw some girl just kind of, like, sad at the end of the bar. And, you know, I do okay for myself monetary-wise, so I was like, you know. How tall is the bar that you hop on? Probably, like, to, like, where, like, eh. Like, a little bit. Like, a little bit. Like, shorter than that. Probably, like. Like, chest deep. Wow. And so, yeah, I was like, hey, you know, girl, like, how you doing? You all right? Looks like you're sad. And what did she say? And she was just like, oh, you know, my baby daddy be tripping. And she was like, oh, you know, he's out with my car right now, and he left me here, and I don't know where he's at. And I was like, looks like you could use another beer. You know, what are you drinking, Modelo? She was like, yeah. And I was like, all right, cool. And then what? So then, like, after a few more Modelos, I was like. Hey, well, I mean, the bar's gonna, like, close soon. I have a car. And she was like, yeah, all right. And so then, from there, we went to, like, a hotel, and I had, like, tequila as well, and, like, my cooler. So, like, you have a little cooler that you keep. Hold on a second. It's not a little cooler to him. It's a fridge. This feels like gnome fan fiction. See, you have a little cooler that you keep where? In the backseat? In the trunk? Usually behind the driver's seat, because my seat's far up, so it can fit behind it. Oh, my God. Dream lift driver. Oh, my God. So, what made you get a hotel and not take her back to your place? Oh, I never take her back to my place, because then, like, when they make up with their baby daddy, they come clean, and they're like, oh, you know, fucking Sancho, blah, blah, blah. Oh, my God. You know, like, you were cheating on me, so I was cheating on you with so-and-so, and I can't have them coming back. Where does this guy live? And they're like, the Holiday Inn Express. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy shit. So, you're like a master of this craft. Yeah, I mean, I've ate two times. Is your place big? For him, yeah. Yeah, exactly. It's 400 square feet. It's a mansion. He looks at an elevator like, damn, bro. Every room's a suite at the Holiday Inn Express. Yeah. My personal bed's a full size, but I still have to do a few rolls to get out of it. Hell, yeah, absolutely. How small are you? Let me stand. Yeah, let's see exactly. Wow. Oh, my God. Look at that. It's like an episode of Twins, you know what I'm saying? You guys look like mascots for human trafficking. Ari, if you stand there too long, he's going to be asking you why you look so sad. Wow. Sancho, Pancho, Villa. I am going to give you what appears to be a, I can't remember. How is the set? Is it okay? Well, any book is big. I'm going to give you what appears to be a huge joke book. It's a massive joke book. There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, Sancho, Pancho, Villa. All right. I'm going to pull a name out. We're going to go wrangle that person. In the meanwhile, we have a special treat, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my goodness. There's the lovely Heidi, everyone. All right. Hold on a second, because we have a special treat, everybody. This is the. This is this man's first time ever doing stand-up comedy. This is a new friend of ours. It comes from our new found friendship with one of the newest Texans, the great and powerful. Well, I guess we'll just get to it. We'll talk about it in the interview portion. But for now, ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kill Tony debut and his first time doing stand-up. A special treat. This is the debut of Make Some Noise for Jedi, everybody. This is Jedi. How are you guys doing? I am very, very nervous this evening. I've just been informed by my wife that we're expecting a child. Let me finish. We're expecting a child to come out with some serious allegations against me. And I think this. This child has a pretty strong case. I'm just kidding. I'm not married. But I would get married. I mean, I've been looking for some love out here. It just seems like the women here, you know, they're older women, you know, junior high, high. Hey, wait, wait a second. I wasn't going to tell those jokes, but I actually am looking for a woman. I'm looking for a woman, you know, she has to, you know, listen because I talk a lot. She also has to mix it up in the bedroom a little bit, you know, maybe start on her back, maybe move to her stomach, maybe her knees, you know, we'll see. Also, wow. But if I could leave you with one thing, it's just that not all middle-aged single men without children are pedophiles. Because a lot of us are. Thank you so much. Take it away, red man. Jedi. Specializing in pedophilia. Jokes, ladies and gentlemen. Gambling it all on pedophile jokes tonight for his debut set. So, Jedi, first of all, how about one more time for Jedi, everybody? Why don't you tell these fine people, Jedi, what you do for work? I work with the wonderful Mr. Woody Harrelson. Love you, brother. The great Woody Harrelson, who just so happens to be a newfound fan of Kill Tony. And one of the coolest people in the world. And you've been his stand-in. Stand-in. So, when they're setting cameras and doing everything that they have to do for Woody Harrelson, he doesn't have to be there for that. You get to just be there. Yeah, that's me. 25 years we've been hanging out together. He's basically family to me. I love him so much. Solid. He's super solid, you cats. So, Jedi, what made you want to start stand-up here tonight? You know, it was kind of like, you need to go get on Kill Tony. I mean, I do this every day on the set with cameras in front of me. But for 25 years, I've heard, you need to do stand-up. You know, I'm not funny when somebody tells jokes. Right. But, I mean, I don't know. I'm here. Great. I love it. What made you commit to purely pedophile jokes here tonight? The force. I'm not a man. No, I just saw people on set when they said, hey, we want to, you've got to get on Kill Tony. I had some people help me write some stuff. You know, I was like, is it okay for other people to write jokes? I mean, I've done that for comics. So, I just went with it. You know, fuck it, right? It is true. And Jedi is the life of the party when everyone's hanging out. And I'm telling you, Woody and his whole crew knows how to have a lot of fun. There's an unbelievable. There's an unbelievable amount of creative energy and marijuana and tequila. And it turns into a lot of fun every time we hang out. And you're always the life of the party. And we never hear a pedophile joke then. This is the first time I'm finding out about your. It's a joke, dude. No, I know. I know. I know. I love kids. I have four nieces. I love them to death. They're great. I bet you do, Jedi. Hey, Jedi, just. Just for some information, the legal age of consent in Estonia, 14. Is it really? And you legally have to say that in a tracksuit. Yeah. So, Jedi, tell us, what's something crazy that you've seen out there, you know, while filming? It's got to be a crazy job. It sounds like a show that hasn't been made yet, like stand-ins. It's like a fun fact. Part of the crew is McConaughey's stand-in. And you are like buddies. You guys hang out. And you kind of look like Woody, and he kind of looks like McConaughey. Well, Henry is incredible. We make a lot of jokes about these guys all the time. It's like we're doing our own show with these cats, you know what I mean? Because it's pretty awesome. You guys are going to love the show. It's called Brothers. It's going to be on Apple TV. I don't have Apple TV, so I won't see it. But it's pretty fun. And these guys, I mean, I have so many stories. I don't know if I can, I mean, I guess I can say whatever I want, but I want to keep working. Yeah. Probably best. You know, it's a lot of standing around, you know, Woody's either playing hacky sack or looking for a coloring book or something, you know. And Matthew's giving me statistics on a Texas football game. Yep. You know, I could. I was on the sideline with them on Friday night, Texas versus Texas A&M. And it was a lot of fun. Me, those two, the governor, fucking rolling around, popping wheelies on touchdowns and shit. It was an incredible, it's an incredible thing. Woody has the best marijuana on planet Earth. Do you smoke weed? I smoke a lot of weed. I'm going to do a little plug. Woody has a store called The Woods in West Hollywood. Yeah. And it's out of control. I mean, you can see there's tree houses, toy parks. I've been there. You have been there? Yeah, there's like birds and shit. Yeah. It's crazy. We got rid of two of them. Because Peter showed up. He's like, oh, you know, what are you, you know, what are you? Yeah, these birds were all fucked up. This bird didn't know what he is, dude. He was fucking barking. Fucking. These birds are fucked up, dude. Rio, Molly, and George. I believe we kept George, but the other birds, like, we're getting high. And then, you know, Peter shows up. All these birds are here. And, you know, we love animals. But a couple of the birds were a little out of control, you know? Amazing. How does one get into the stand-in game? I guess you just have to be cool as hell. And people have to want you to be around them. You have to have a good energy and stay positive all the time, right? Yeah. I mean, I just kind of, it was so crazy. I was working on a show called Will and Grace. I don't know if you remember that. Wow. You never saw. You don't have a TV. Will and Grace is coming out soon in Estonia. We're all behind. Oh, shit. I could go Will and Grace jokes forever, but I don't want to end my career the first time. The first night I'm on a stage. We're not ending it tonight. You're just getting started, Jedi. But how'd you meet, how'd you get into that? I met Wood through our director, Jimmy Burrows, who created Cheers. He introduced us. And he's like, you guys are going to love each other. You know, I was like the weed guy working on the show, you know? I was like, it was crazy. I don't even, like, read the scripts. Jimmy would come in and he's like, hey, you know. Well, he's like, I want you to meet my friend. I'm like, I don't give a fuck about celebrities. He's like, I want you to meet Woody Harrelson. I'm like, I fucking love that guy. Hell yeah. And he goes, you guys are going to be friends forever. Here we are 25 years later. Wow. So you've stood in on everything. Not everything. You know, somebody has to water the plants. Ah. What do you mean exactly? Weed. Oh, yes. Got it. True detective, did you do that one? I didn't do true detective. Weed. Weed. It is ridiculous weed, by the way. I have been lucky enough to smoke with all the big smokers, right? Like Snoop, who's a buddy, worked with him on and off for the last 15 years, all of them. I smoked Woody Harrelson's weed recently and I had to go for a walk, like a legit walk. In fact, I did again on Friday night. We ended up gravitating from the sideline up to McConaughey's suite. He handed me a little sneaky vape pen, which is like the size of a, I don't even know, like it was a giant vape pen. I don't even know where it came from. I hit it twice. I handed it back and he goes, you want to hit it one more time? And there's a part where you're, I kind of knew like I should let that settle in. And no, I, he, but he's kind of like, come on, come on, buddy. And when Woody Harrelson's like, come on, come on, buddy. Like it's a little peer pressure. And, and I did. And then almost immediately afterwards, I'm like, okay, I'm going to, I'm going to go for a little walk. I'll be, I'll see you guys in a little bit. And I got lost outside of Texas stadium for about 20, 25 minutes. I was outside. Back inside, outside, inside. It was crazy. And I'm a grown ass man. And this is how good, and I smoke every single day. Continuously. Well, you're lucky you could walk. Yes. It's very tricky. So Jedi, let me ask you this. You're definitely, you were making jokes, but what's your love life actually like? Tell us about it. My love, you mean my rub life? What do you mean? Do you stand in for Woody on that one too? All right, Woody, she's ready to go. the bus. What I mean is you're almost out of lotion in the green room is what I mean. I'm like this close to getting sponsored by Jerkins, seriously. Really? What do you do? What do you, uh, you watch like porn or something? No, I don't, I don't have cable, dude. I live in a cable, dude. Do you just use your imagination? Uh, you know, I, I, it's been since June 15th. I had my first Asian taco. It was incredible. Wait, what do you mean? I mean, I slept with an Asian woman. Oh my goodness. Why was that more gross than when you were talking about pedophilia? Dude, that was a joke. Asian taco? I've got writers, dude. Yeah. Come on. So this Asian taco, uh, how exactly, where did you meet this girl at? In, uh, Texas. Okay, just the great state of Texas. Somewhere between El Paso and Corpus Christi. Yeah. You met her. Yeah. Okay. And what did you learn that day? Was that your first Asian woman that you ever met? It was. It was. What did you? She said, hey, I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna give you this taco and just don't fall in love. And, and, you know, I was like, I kind of did. Oh my goodness. But I'm over it now. Do you pay for a 30 minute massage or? So you were saying you were hungry for more 30 minutes later? That weed is really strong. She spent the night. Ah, Jedi, you have made your Kill Tony debut. The stand in for Woody Harrelson. You know what Jedi, if you ever want to do a couple of minutes at the secret show, it's open for you anytime you want to try it out. If you want to, if you want to do it again. Oh my God. Thursday night. Thank you so much. Absolutely. Thank you guys. How about a hand for Jedi, ladies and gentlemen? Who knows? Maybe when Brothers comes out on Apple TV, when's it, when do you think that's coming out Jedi? February, March. I had to get, oh no, it's coming out next, next fall. Next fall. And it's incredible you guys. It's fucking insane. It's Kenny Power shit. It's hilarious. Love it. The return of McConaughey and Woody back together. Thank you guys so much. Thank you guys. Jedi, ladies and gentlemen. Maybe we'll be able to talk Woody and McConaughey into joining us on panel sometime. Who knows? Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Ryan Shields, everybody. Ryan Shields. Woo. Thank you. So, I raised my kids in the suburbs of San Antonio. And when my daughter first started dating, one of her friends let it slip that her boyfriend was in a gang. I said, "No, he's not. He lives in the cul-de-sac." First time I met the kid, I looked at him. I was like, "Who are you repping? The lactose intolerant kings? Take your weed out or you can get the fuck out of here." Look, all I'm saying is if you can't process dairy or certain multigrains, I'm not afraid of you. Yeah, fuck off Tanner. I will end you with a milkshake and a bagel right now. And I see this all the time and it needs to stop. And I don't know who needs to tell them. Maybe it's me. But look, how are you supposed to be for these streets with people? Look, I don't know who needs to tell them. Maybe it's me. But look, how are you supposed to be for these streets with peanut allergies and autism. I don't know if some of you ladies are still worried about walking alone in the park or going to your car at night. Just start moisturizing with peanut oil. Yeah, take his breath away. If that doesn't work, I'll just use my dad voice. I'll just go, hey! And they freeze because it activates their autism. It's like seeing a tiger in the water. All right, Ryan Shields, welcome to the show. Ryan, are you? Give it up for a stand-in for a fat, creepy fuck. Yeah, somehow you make Jedi look like Dave Chappelle. That's incredible. Ryan, how long have you been doing stand-up? About 14 years. 14 years? Holy shit, man. Wow, that's crazy. Where at? In the Liver King's backyard? My God. Where have you been doing stand-up for 14 years? I'm out of San Antonio. Okay, out of San Antonio. That's where you've always lived? Yeah. Okay. Ari, what do you want to say? I see you. No, no, no, it's over. No, it's okay, do it. No, the joke is over. Do it, Ari. It was a Liver King joke, and you said it, and I fucked up. Okay. And I got nervous, and now I'm over it. Okay. Ryan, what do you do for a living? I do stand-up. God damn it, that's exactly what I was hoping you wouldn't say. So was that just a rough, rough, rough set? Yeah, that usually goes a lot better. I think I just let into it weird. It's more of a lead-up. It's more of a lead-up to it, but, eh, you know, fuck it. Yeah, here we are. Here we are, Ryan. 14 years. Do you think you have, like, a better joke that you could have done instead? Yeah. Sort of like a banger of a joke that you have after 14 years? Yeah. All right, let's do that. Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Shields. All right, let's try this. Let's try it again. 14 years. I've been hanging out with these young comedians, so they get me to try this new shit. Like, I've tried aluminum-free deodorant. Yeah. Yeah. It's. It doesn't work. And the problem is, it's deceptive. Because, like, you put it on as soon as you get out of the shower, and you're like, oh, that does smell like coconuts. But then, like, four hours later, you're like, oh, those coconuts have turned. I think I found out where the rum has gone. Ooh. So I went right back to aluminum. I know it's bad for you. I know RFK's like, it causes autism. I don't give a shit. I could use a touch of the tism. I'm fine. Like, I could be into trains. Yeah, it's better than the other trains I've been aboard. You want to be a part of? Look, I was an engineer on that train, all right? I don't want you to think something weird. Like, that's where you want to be. You want to be an engineer on those trains. You do not want to be a caboose. Because you're pushing a lot of loads in front of you. All right, Ryan, let's talk about it. How much money are you making a year doing stand-up? A year? Yeah. Eh, about 50 grand. Okay. And you love it. You love what you do. You would never do anything? Nothing else. So, um, do you have any, like, side hustles or anything like that? Oh, I do a podcast. I do, uh, I act a little bit. What have you acted in? Uh, there's a little show on Paramount Plus called Landman. Okay. You've been on Landman. Yeah. Okay. For 37 fucking seconds, but I'm in it, so I'm counting it. Okay. Yep. Well, you have a little cheering section over there of what appears to be mentally ill hillbillies. Uh, Ryan, tell us something wild about your life that would surprise you. What would surprise us? Wild? Yeah, you do. I just had a colonoscopy. I don't know if that's wild. Oh, Redman just had his first colonoscopy, too. You like it? Hi. You guys are colonoscopy brothers over here. Let me tell you, it sucks when I was getting mine done and they're wheeling you down the hallway with all the nurses and doctors, and one of the nurses or doctors recognized me and goes, you're really doing it, Redman. It fucking sucks. Oh! It sucks. It sucks. Are you serious? I'm fucking serious. It sucks. That is so funny. You're really doing it, Redman. That is so fucking funny. What came out of your ass? Holy shit. That's why JRE asked, like, do you go to like a special private doctor instead of like a regular doctor? Right. That's amazing. What did he say? Does he go to a special doctor? I guess not. He's like, it's none of your business. Oh, yeah. That makes sense. But isn't it like you can't eat a few days before, right? 24 hours a day. 24 hours a day. Yeah. 24 hours. Yeah. It's cool because you actually-- Oh, wow. I would have loved to have seen that reality show. Holy shit. That's just great. One of the most difficult things Redman has ever done in his life. Redman was like the old lady in Requiem for a Dream. Like the kitchen's just like, hello, Redman, come on over here. The cupboards are like shaking. Just cereal boxes spilling themselves onto the floor. No! No! The bread that you could stick your thumb in and use it as a box. liquid this was floating all the garden bread sticks in the air just alfredo sauce pouring out of the kitchen sink no no oh that's amazing how did you make it through that 24 hours it really sucks it was our buddy's birthday party matt and uh i had this great idea like oh you know let's get i can drink tonight let's get wasted tonight and then i thought i could eat in the morning and i read when i got home you couldn't so i had a hangover i couldn't eat anything i was actually i i chewed stuff and just spit it out in the trash can because jesus christ that's the fattest thing that's the fattest thing i've ever heard in my fucking life i've never heard anyone microdose food before that's great i almost just fainted right that is the most red band thing i think i've ever heard and they give you all this medicine so you just shit yourself every like five minutes hold on hold on hold on hold on let's go back what type of food were you chewing and spitting out i had uh leftovers from the place it was like a steak and uh you're just chewing drinking the juice uh and then i made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and spit it out uh that's about it yeah oh and ice i i had a lot of ice you swallowed the ice wow God. Oh, God. Oh, it's so funny. God, that's amazing. Can you even spit out all of peanut butter and jelly? Yeah. He just ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He had a little shrapnel. A little bit. He had a little. There's no peanut butter juice coming out of there. And then you shit yourself there, too, right? I didn't shit myself there, no. I got to the point where I couldn't sleep that night because I was shitting every ten minutes. To the point where it was just stomach bile. Just stomach bile. But what was interesting is, like, when I could eat, how long it took to become poop, it was, like, seven hours. Wow. Not a lot of people know this, but that night, Red Band Diary ate in a stripper's pussy at Perfect Ten. All right. Ryan Shields. You know, I mean, I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just the sound or the lights or something, but 14 years. Maybe it's just the pressure. Maybe your timing's a little bit off, but it just wasn't. It wasn't great. It wasn't connecting here tonight, but sign up again. Come back. It's a short drive from San Antonio. Ryan Shields. Very interesting. Wow. That's just wild. 14 years, huh? And there we go. We end up talking about your colonoscopy for half his interview. All right. Let's do this. This will be our final bucket pool of the night. We're in overtime here. Make some noise for Matthew LaCour, everybody. Matthew LaCour. Going over time for me. Thank you. I was about 11 years old on a play date with my friend Kyle the first time I walked in and my mom having sex. It's my fault. I was on my way to the kitchen. Real private place. The rice krispies were taking a while. I'll never forget. I was walking down the hallway. I turned the corner. Small detail. Tiny detail. There's only two adults in the house. My mom and Kyle's mom. That's it. Uh, so I turned the corner. I'll never forget. True story. I see my mom pinning this woman to the wall. Left hand throat. Yeah, just plug it in there. Now that there's tape there, you can't even see where to put it in. Yeah, just give him that one. Yeah, put that down. There you go. Matthew LaCour, everybody. Continue. My bad, guys. Goddamn. Keep going, Matthew. So I turned the corner. Uh-huh. And she's pinning this woman to the wall. Left hand throat, right hand thigh. I fucking freeze, right? Before I can run back to the room, she grabs her other ass. She picks her up and pins her to the. She pushes her pelvis forward. I don't know why, but I'm so proud that my mom's at top. Does that make sense? Like, I never told Kyle, but I didn't feel a sense of superiority. Like, kids at school would be like, my dad will beat up your dad. My mom will fuck your mom, dog. What are we talking about? What the fuck are we talking about? I'm a '90s kid. She gets to have Reebok? That shit works. All right, we got there. Matthew LaCour, welcome. All right. Matthew LaCour, okay. Welcome, Matthew. Is this your first time on the show? Second time. I used to have long hair, but I shaved it so I can do slurs again. What kind of slurs are you doing, exactly? Wait, why did the hair stop? You're like. It was too hippy. People thought I was left-wing. No, I'm just kidding. Okay, Matthew, how long have you been doing stand-up? I say, like, four to five years, but I didn't start taking it seriously until I moved to Austin. When was that? About a year. About a year ago. Yeah. Wow, that's amazing. Short time, somehow eight times funnier than a guy that's been doing it 14 years. Nice. What do you do for work, Matthew? I actually work at Cap City. I'm a door guy. Okay, all right. So that's the second employee from Cap City tonight. How do you like working up there at the Domain? That's cool. Yeah, I'm just trying to do everything that I can to get as close as I can to comedy, honestly. You get to watch comedians? Yeah. I used to be a door guy, too. It's a great opportunity to watch comedians and learn, yeah. It's awesome. Yeah, Asana and I were door guys at the Comedy Store. Yeah, any young comedians, that's the number one thing, how you get closest to the comedy. I mean, of course, you can do open mics, but you can only learn so much from a guy who's 14 years in and still at NARBAR. Yeah. So you can learn from professional comedians, yeah. They get good comedians there. They get good comedians, yeah. Do you sometimes, like, how do you get on stage at Cap City? Do you sometimes-- Open mic, but they don't give us a lot of stage. 'Cause that's, like, the bonus of also being a door guy, so there's nobody going up. It also depends where you're a door guy big time, right? Like, the Comedy Store has three rooms, and those rooms all have comedians doing 15 minutes. So you end up with 16 comedians in one room, 15 in another, and eight in another, and then they flip three of those rooms to do it all again, whereas Cap City probably only has, what, four? Yeah, we got two. Two comedians, two rooms. Two rooms, yeah. But there's an opener, a feature, and a headliner, right? That's every show, pretty much? I'm just trying to get as much time as I can. Where were you a door guy at? Tell us, we don't know about this. I was a door guy shortly at Comics Lounge in Australia, and then I was a door guy at another club in Vancouver, called Yuck Yucks. I remember Yuck Yucks, and I've been to the Comics Lounge many times. Yeah, yeah, Comics Lounge didn't work out too much. I had to, like, do the work. I was watching too much comedy. Nice guys, though. You were once on a show many, many, many moons ago. Yes, first time we met. In which me and Joe Rogan invaded Melbourne, Australia, and you were randomly on that show. Yeah, I did a guest spot, you guys were doing the theater, and then you came down to the club. This was, like, fucking nine years ago or something. Yep. Yeah. And also, that night was one of those magical nights where, yeah, somebody was missing, and then they gave me three minutes. I ran the light at five and bombed. But you guys didn't see that. You were smoking weed in the back. It was cool. Perfect. Yep. It all worked out perfectly. Yep, it was awesome, yeah. Matthew, tell us something crazy about your life, your real life, that we would find interesting or compelling. You were on this show once before. You've had enough time to think about a second interview on this show. You're in it right now. Oh, actually, I'll be competing at Thursday Night Jiu-Jitsu on. You look like you. Yeah, December 18th. I got the ear stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn, when I did Jiu-Jitsu, that was the only thing I didn't get. I really want the fucking ears. Yeah. I want the fucking cauliflower. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can just smash your ear between the fucking weights. What? I know. I actually tried it. You put two bricks in and smash it. But my ears are so fucking malleable. You literally pull them up in your ass, and nothing happens. Yeah, I know. I love those ears. Oh, thank you. It's all for show. That's why I do it. What belt are you? Don't you do a podcast with Brian Callen? All right, never mind. That did not work. Oh, yeah. Don't ever disrespect him. Don't disrespect me like that again. Oh, I get it. That's great. Oh, okay. That's crazy. That's great. Sorry, sorry. I just don't like that guy. Red man. I wish you could chew that joke up and spit it out. But, yeah, you came out, and you did, like. You went straight into material, and it was, like, multiple. The last joke, of course, the mic, such a fucking mishap. But in stand-up, always that happens. There's heckles, there's whatever. So you have to adapt to that. But sometimes, yeah, when you come out here, there's a lot of pressure, and sometimes it's good to have a bit of silence before you go into material so the cognitive functions, like, get accustomed to what you look like. Sometimes if you go. Okay. Well, he said cognitive functions. He's like, "I think I have something." Cognitive functions. So sometimes if you go straight into it, they miss the first joke. But I get it. You want to get it out, you want to get it out. Sometimes silence has more information than noise, so you can. That is very, very true. And, like, there's a whole thing of, you know, you want to get as many jokes as you can out, but sometimes you just got to quit when you're ahead. The "my mom will fuck your mom" got a big laugh. It was after the meow and the set right there. Yeah, fair. That's true. Yeah. Okay. So, Matthew, I'm going to be honest with you. Jiu-jitsu, that jacket, you kind of seem like you could have some real douchebag qualities to you. That's fair. That's true. I get that a lot. Give us an example of what the douchiest thing about you is. Douchiest thing? Yeah. Oh, do we go honest? I had an affair. Mm. Had an affair. Let's talk about it. Yeah. So you were married? I was. And then what happened? Uh, the marriage wasn't going well, and then I met this beautiful yoga teacher that fucking broke my heart. Okay, so did you take her yoga class? Where did you meet her at? Uh, we were actually working together. I had just gotten out of the military, and, uh, she was a swim coach, I was a lifeguard, fucking. At a gym? Yep. And you were a lifeguard. Yep. And she was a swim coach. Yep. What happened? Um, we gave each other the eyes across the pool. Um, and then, and then, you know, things happened. I ended up being honest with my wife. I did do that. And, uh. Afterwards? No, no, I didn't do anything physical with her until me and my wife were divorced. So you said to your wife, you go, "Look, I've been given eyes to a swim instructor at work." To the swim instructor, yeah. The instructor know you're married, too? Yeah. Yeah. But that's harder for women. Yeah, dude, I think she was into it. Women love that shit. She was like, "I'ma take 'em." Yeah. So you told your wife that you were gonna leave her. Yeah, I was in love with this other woman. And then how were you in love if you had never done it? 'Cause I was 24 and retarded. Okay, and now how old are you? Uh, 32. 32 and retarded. Okay. A little less, but still pretty retarded. How long. After you told your wife wife so you started hooking up with the swim instructor shortly thereafter and how long did that last uh about three months three months and then what happened you said she broke your heart yeah how did she break your heart uh she decided to stay with her husband wow oh my god this is so hot yeah this is amazing this is so hot this story is a 151 mexican away yeah perfect i was just gonna say sancho pancho v is gonna be finding the shallow end of that pool real quick here yeah if your wife is banging dude and you show up and it's this guy cauliflower you're a douchebag then you're like i get it but pancho yeah fucking pancho she's gonna be sipping that backseat tequila any day now wow and then like what now you have no wife no new love no no no i'm with somebody and a stable relationship yeah do you regret leaving your wife at the time for her do you think no i regret the way i handled it i was just i was just you know 24 yeah i was 24 and stupid yeah i wish i would have handled it incredibly different did you save anybody's lives uh as a lifeguard uh i mean i helped some silly kids that didn't know how to swim fun fact a lot not a lot of people know this the world's worst lifeguard of all time d madness ladies and gentlemen not only is he blind but he also definitely can't swim is that right d wrong oh he's always full of surprises this fucking guy we got of course he can swim you swim a lot d i have okay very good eating the pussy no matthew you don't you're not allowed to make jokes at d madness shut your motherfucking mouth motherfucker i will find you i don't feel you were you swimming or did someone put you in a bathtub and oh asan how dare you d man is about to beat you to death with a bass guitar damn right all right matthew fun times buddy here you go here's a medium uh medium joke book congratulations matthew lacore on to the finale of the night ladies and gentlemen with ari maddy here dedrick in the middle there's only one way to end a show like this and that is with our hulk hogan if you will our hall of famer with the most appearances the most interviews a living member of the kill tony hall of fame ladies and gentlemen this is the memphis strangler the big red machine the vanilla gorilla this is william montgomery i told red band about black friday and he said they already get fed he said they already get fed on february now friday i feel like the results of my polygraph tests are gaslighting me the other day i watched a david lynch film dubbed in portuguese and it finally all makes sense a doctor ran some tests on kim kardashian and concluded that she has low brain activity a few years ago that same doctor ran some tests on lebron james and concluded that he is black okay that's my time thank you okay william lights out montgomery the fighting pride of memphis tennessee and here he is with a brand new look i love it what have you been yo it's freezing outside you are adorable outside it's very nice i'm very bald i don't know if you're people it's always very uh it gets in my head a lot when i have to lean down and get a grab a napkin or something when i'm on stage and i lean over and i'm always like wait hold on am i going bald or something not a lot of people know this but that's what a indian woman's vagina looks like we do look like a photo negative on each other i know you look good as son you too you do got a good elmer fudd vibe going on right now thank you thank you yeah i bought a bunch of these hats on ebay i've been going on a tear tony i i grew up with this app but i got some other ones coming in the mail and i actually caught the fedex the bitch that works at fucking fedex i caught her today not delivering one of my packages up the steps it pissed me off and i said hey thanks so much i'll grab that from you and she doesn't even look up to do she doesn't even look at me wow so i think i'm gonna try to do something to her next time i think like like what rapper and some what do you what exactly do you mean what are you there's a place you can walk when you're walking out to my place there's a place where i'm gonna put some string or some rope or something and her stupid fucking ass is gonna trip you're a scary guy to look at while you're working at yeah look at me yeah yeah just on ebay i've just been on ebay a shit ton you can't tell the kill tony regulars are making a lot of money you have william on ebay say that no no oh okay that's right you don't not no but seriously i mean it seems like this year the economy is maybe not as good that's what i'm finding maybe people just don't think i'm funny i don't know i think i'm doing a wonderful show up there but it's it's less and less tickets being sold i mean it's turning into a real nightmare for me so tony that's why i stopped you you got ari maddy coming in with custom made jogging suits you have dedrick who's only been a regular for like four weeks yeah what the fuck how's he getting better yeah you have 15 oriental rugs that you've been talking about the last couple weeks they were from ebay they were kind of cheap what is your thing with not admitting that you've done well for yourself it's okay i mean i'm 38 there's a hopefully a decent amount of time for me to live it could all just end tomorrow tony i have to be just so careful and now i'm stressed out about i'm still in the funk i still have not done the row machine it's very sad i have to your sciatica acted up and you've been taking a big break from the row machine and that has affected you in a great many ways is that correct yes it's been about a month wow and are you thinking about getting back into rowing yeah i have to i have to just go force myself i've been staying up all night i finished a puzzle everybody would be proud i think i finished a thousand piece puzzle in two days in less than less than 48 hours and i'm starting on another one tonight wow i already literally i went through i have a method now i get all the pieces up i get piles of them and i get it get them separated into the colors while i'm also looking for the edge pieces wow somehow you are way scarier than the jujitsu guy yeah a guy doing puzzles so you organize the colors while also looking for the edge pieces that is amazing i've never heard of an approach of doing puzzles like this what was the last puzzle you did what could people what would people expect to see on the puzzle that william montgomery did oh my gosh talk about the last one the one i just finished yeah what's on that puzzle the one i literally yeah let's hear about it it's the one you just did the puzzle people are guessing wolves and trains wolves and trains what an idiot no it had nothing to do with fucking wolves and trains dumbass wolves and trains you think i'm doing a fucking puzzle with wolves and trains no i'm not doing a fucking puzzle with wolves and trains no i'm not doing no this puzzle was an open fucking refrigerator tony what i worked on a fucking watermelon for a while last night what else was in i don't know that was the most exciting that had a lot of red in it i had a bunch of red pieces of red pieces of red cake last you could see the seeds too probably right no is it seedless water oh seedless watermelon it's a texture i was looking for the specific red texture with that red interesting yeah it's almost like a dark pink yeah it was like a dark pink color so there was just a open refrigerator with just a watermelon in it a cut open watermelon that's the whole puzzle there's also a gallon of milk wow the world wants to know what else oh my gosh tony i have been drinking a bunch of milk but not with my protein shake because i'm doing the row machine because i'm eating two giant bowls of uh what is this cereal it has all frosted mini wheats oh you love frosted mini wheats this is my mom's favorite cereal oh it's wonderful yeah so i'm off of the fiber i'm eating that i'm hurting myself a lot right now tony i've got to get out of it i've got to snap out of it okay it's getting scary tell us more you don't want to hear it it's getting real scary i'm literally planning on tripping the fucking woman from fedex tomorrow and i don't think i should be talking about it right now we have a nice looking police officer some nice guy over there i don't think i need to be talking about this the police love us they'll cover for you yeah i'm gonna get her fucking ass tomorrow i have something real heavy coming tomorrow yeah something very heavy you just keep ordering heavier and heavier things but i gotta snap out of it tony so we'll see okay all right and what are you gonna do if this fedex woman uh is carrying that box to your place seize the string and steps over the string exactly what's your plan then maybe maybe just straight up assault or something. You're like a mud ball. A mud ball? A mud ball. It's been raining. A mud ball. Yeah, a mud ball. You're going to find, you're going to accumulate. You put some rocks in it. I've never even heard of such a thing. That's the most white trash. Oh, a mud ball. A mud ball. Yeah, oh my gosh, back in Memphis, my buddies and I, one of my friends lived on this very dark street and the cars would go very fast and after it would rain, we would all be on the side and we would honk these fucking just things of mud and rocks and we would slam into the glass windows and we would all go run and hide and it was very exciting. I did that a lot growing up. I was going to say, balls of mud and rocks. That's very Muslim of you. Yeah. A mud ball does sound like a slur that I would call a son in the green room on a Tuesday or Wednesday night. I usually call him a sand rabbit. A little fun fact, you can call anybody you want a slur if you make the, slur up yourself. You can't use a slur that's been used before. It's very easy. You take something of that ethnicity and you mix it with a cute animal. What's that one you've been, you were talking about the other day, Red Band, you were doing something, you've been talking. Actually, I call David Lucas a mud ball. That's what, where you found that from. Is that true? No. Oh. Yeah, that'd be embarrassing, Tony, if that's really what I talk mud balls because his fucking dumb ass. That would be. All right, well. What's on the new puzzle before I let you go? What's in the puzzle that you're working on? This one has a bunch of cakes. I was confusing myself. This one has a whole bunch of cakes and it's got a bunch of primary colors. It's got reds, it's got blues, it's got yellows. I feel like you're filming yourself putting this puzzle together. You had the whole like Bob Ross of puzzle thing. Well, I'm about to go do it. Wow. Well, I'm very excited. I'm about to, I'm about to do it. Nothing brings this show to a climax better than you. Thanks for having me. Starting a new puzzle. We love you. Thanks for having me, Tony. William Montgomery, this episode brought to you by PrizePix. We did it again. This is a crazy show with a crazy bucket tonight. We had a lot of fun. Somehow, other than the regulars, somehow the trans woman stole the show. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebeld is in. It is absolutely incredible. That is indeed Asana Mod and Ari Matty. Let's see what the local artist Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, it's Dedrick. Dedrick. Dedrick. Pre-grilled Dedrick. Red Band? Check out my fake band Cap Red 7 on iTunes and YouTube. What do you guys want to plug? I got a podcast called The Solid Show with my friend Derek Poston and then I have a special coming out soon in January called Too Soon. Look for it on the podcast channel. There you go. Ari Matty. I am on my first national American tour called Here to Stay and tickets are really low. At the moment in Atlanta we have 900 available, three sold. So for the love of God, do you like me or do you like me? He is one of the best stand up comedians in the world. AriMatty.com. AriMatty.com. It's a brand new tour. He's being very humble right now. Pre-sale starts, well it's going to be on sale when this episode comes out. So go to AriMatty.com, support the great and powerful Estonian assassin. He could be weeks away from becoming the newest citizen of the United States. United States of America, ladies and gentlemen. Shout out again to our very good friend, Jedi, who made his debut tonight. Shout out to team Woody Harrelson who we love. And I bought a knife on Thanksgiving. Whoa, a new knife. That is an American knife. Ten dollars from the corner store. That is amazing. I'm glad you pulled it out after the bucket pools are all gone. We could be dead. God bless this audience and God bless the United States. The United States of America. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.