#73: Why you spiral when they don't text back & what to do about it

Welcome back my love to another episode of embracing her and this week we are going to talk about a topic that I just had a discussion with a private client around and I think it's a really common experience Which is why I think it would be great to just have an episode on it. We will talk about why we tend to enter a bit of a spiral when somebody doesn't text us back and what to do about it This sense that sometimes a teeny tiny thing like us not getting a text back quick enough can send us into like a full-blown panic our mind starts to go wild we feel out of control we feel stressed we feel super activated we struggle to think about anything else we're completely preoccupied by the fact that we're not getting that text back by the fact that we somehow don't really know what's going on I know that these moments can feel really Almost like we're possessed by something by this force and we just can't Stuppet we might even actively witness this happening we notice that this might not actually be the truth But we struggle to stop it we struggle to deal with the experience that we're having in our body It almost feels like we're at the mercy of that experience and completely lost control and then very often when we look back at that experience afterwards we're like I don't know what got into me there and This is exactly what we want to talk about today and we will dive into why this anxious spiral kicks in and What we can do to stop it to not get into Like this snowball situation where everything we do and everything we think in those moments actually kind of makes it worse And then afterwards we end up shaming ourselves for the fact that it even happened in the first place Also before we dive in if this is something you're struggling with You are definitely not alone This is a super common experience and I'm really hoping that this episode is going to help you to deal with it in a different way And to also approach yourself with more compassion when you fall into these anxious spirals and let's go So So I'll talk about this topic today specifically around the example of you not getting a text back But really this anxious spiral that we get into there can be triggered through all sorts of things where we might feel The connection could be under threat so that could be us noticing that our partners mood is maybe a bit off Maybe we feel like their energy is different maybe They want to spend time on their own or maybe we're dating someone and they said something in a specific way and all of a sudden Our whole body is basically on fire You will see that the way that we want to deal with that spiral is the same, you know A lot of the time the initial trigger that kicks that response of Really doesn't have to be something major when we're anxiously attached or when we're disorganized and really anxious in a specific dynamic We are already wired for Being hyper vigilant right we are looking for any sort of sign that might show us that potentially We will be abandoned here. We will be rejected here something might be wrong with the connection so Again, if you enter a spiral like this and it's not necessarily around texting this episode is still for you You can still really take a lot from How we can actually deal with that spiral better Now let's imagine you're seeing someone or You are in a long-term relationship or even outside of romantic relationships with a friend You sent them a message and they don't text you back straight away and maybe you can see that they've seen it Or you might know that they have been online and you still didn't get a text back those can be The moments where we start to feel that prickly feeling of Exitity in our chest or we notice our stomach is in knots and we might notice that our thoughts start to kind of Race and we're really trying really hard to figure out what might be Going on. This is where we can notice that our mind will very very quickly Respond to the stress response that is already taking place in our body Trying to create a perceived sense of control and from there The way that we try to deal with that discomfort that we're experiencing in the body is then often that we in our mind go into Over-analyzing every single word that we ever said to them Every emoji that we might have used and we go over the last message that we sent and we like did I say something wrong? That that come across wrong somehow We might be even replaying the last conversations that we had Did I do something wrong back then was there a clue somehow that they didn't like me anymore We check their social media all the time wanting to see okay. Are they busy? What are they doing? Have they been online? Yes or no? We might notice that we start to make up stories To protect ourselves again to create a certain sense of certainty telling ourselves things like they must have been intimidated or They are scared of connection or they're just really bad at texting right we kind of try to make sense of The response in our body we might even And that's probably something that you will lean into if you're more under disorganized Uh end of the spectrum where you maybe even start immediately fantasizing about cutting them off And just going like oh well now. I don't I don't even care anymore Which again gives us a certain sense of control because it gives us certainty These strategies often don't really soothe us very well they meant to do that but they don't really do that Well, and that is when the activation in our nervous system and that urgency that comes through There then often actually makes us jump into action Remember that when we are in a fight of flight response Our body wants to make us do something right that's the message There is something off and we need to do something right now. There's a sense of urgency. I can't wait That's when we might start to double text or we start to kind of Want to somehow get their attention by maybe Posting something on our social media our stories right posting a story Actually particularly for them because you want them to see it or you want them to Kind of see that you're amazing and that you're busy and that you have friends and that you're just all around amazing So we're trying to kind of provoke a reaction We might even start venting to our friends and really talk about that situation a lot. We might start Taking screenshots and asking all of our friends. Do you think that was weird? What do you think might have happened there? For you to again get validation to create a certain sense of security In a moment where your body is basically screaming. I'm unsafe here Now when we really jump into action This is very often when we then afterwards also fall into self blame and into these kind of shame loops in a way where We then afterwards go like oh my god. Why am I like this? I shouldn't be this insecure. Why is this affecting me so much? I shouldn't be bothered. I shouldn't be this sensitive We might tell ourselves that if we for example double texted or something that oh my god. I'm too much They're gonna run away. I just scared them off now. I always ruin everything This kind of very shame-based self-talk Is super common in those moments when we kind of let that stress response take over and define our actions in those moments This is when we also Will really really struggle when this person then actually doesn't answer so if we're actually somehow being gossed For example by somebody then we are seeing That would then very very often give us a big blow for our self-esteem and there will be a lot of, I'm not good enough, I'm unlovable, I really did it all wrong, right? There was something wrong with me, I must have said something that was wrong. And from there, we then actually often start to overcompensate next time. So when we then again meet somebody, we start to actually want to be extra agreeable and extra digestible and even more self-sacrificing than we might already be pretzling ourselves even more because now we have that basically that are the piece of evidence. They ever were like, I send them a message and then they just go with me so that must mean that I have to be really, really careful about what I say. The other thing that I want to mention here are these more avoidant, almost like disassociative strategies that we sometimes fall into in moments like this where we don't get a text back and it's really upsetting. This is when, for example, when I saw funny videos about this, that when you send a risky text and then you just turn your phone off and decide it's time to go to bed at 8 p.m. or something, which is normally not your bedtime at all, but you just go to sleep because you basically can't deal with the stress response that you are experiencing in your body because of that risky text that you send. Or again, we put that phone away and we go like, now I'm just going to focus on work or I'm just going to kind of zone out and watch TV or whatever thing we do to basically completely disconnect from that reality there and we want to just forget about the fact that we're waiting on a text back because it's so hard to be in touch with that experience that not getting a text back has triggered in us. And then, of course, the other thing that you will notice here very often is that then when you get the text back, all of a sudden everything is fine. And you look back at that version of yourself that got so upset and then went to sleep at 8 p.m. because you couldn't possibly stay awake knowing that you didn't get a text back yet. You look at that version of yourself and you're like, I don't really know what happened there. I don't really know why I got so worked up around that. And that is a very tough spot to be in because it basically confronts us with these moments where we feel really out of control, where our emotional well-being seems to be completely dependent on somebody else's actions. And this is really common when it comes to anxious attachment, also disorganized attachment and you have that kind of anxious leaning behavior there. This is when we source a lot of our sense of safety from connection. And this is where we can talk a little bit more about why this creates this cascade of responses when we're not getting a text back. So anxious attachment and also disorganized attachment when we lean anxious is all about having experienced connection in some way, shape of form as scars or as inconsistent. So we've learned that connection is not something that we can really rely on kind of being there all the time. We know that it will leave. But we have learned that if we do certain things, we might get more of it. So we might have learned that if I'm always being a good girl around my parents, they will pay more attention to me because the moment I start crying, my parents run the other way, right? Or I will be punished. Maybe you've learned that if you're always having the best grades and you're always doing all the right things, then mommy and daddy are going to be really proud of me and they're going to pay attention to me and they're going to be happy and that feels so great because we're getting more connection from them. And again, this is something that we really lean into subconsciously as children. We are 100% dependent on our parents. We need them to survive. We need them to love us, right? We need them to be there. We need them to pay attention to us. So this is a very, very kind of evolutionary impulse there that we have this tendency to want to figure out, okay, how do I have to behave? Who do I have to be to get the most amount of attention from mommy and daddy? Now, the problem here is when we figure out, okay, when I behave like this, I will get attention. When I behave like that, I won't. This is when we indirectly learn that the responsibility to maintain connection is on our shoulders. So we have the understanding of connection that if I don't get connection, that must mean that I did something wrong. So as children, we don't have that critical thinking capacity to be able to tell, okay, maybe my parents are emotionally unavailable and that's why they don't pay attention to me when I'm crying or when I have big feelings. We go like, oh, if mommy and daddy don't actually like me or seem to like me and not pay attention to me when I'm crying, then my emotions must be wrong. So we make it all about us and in that way, we learn I need to behave in a certain way so that I can get love. If I don't get love, if I don't get connection, that must mean that I have done something wrong. And this meaning making there around that inconsistent connection that we experienced as children will leave us also with an inherently bruised sense of self-esteem. The way that I naturally am is not enough. I don't need to kind of pretzel myself. I need to perform. I need to be nice. I need to be good. I need to be perfect to be loved. And this core belief of somehow the way that I am, I'm not enough, that becomes a filter through which we see reality. That is a core belief and our core beliefs are like a filter through which we see all the things that happen to us and we make sense of everything that happens to us through that filter. Our brain is meant to make meaning based on what we have learned in the past. So our brain will constantly check back and go like, okay, what does the present moment mean considering what we have experienced before? So when we now don't get a text back so we're not getting the attention. We're apparently not getting connection. Our brain goes like, what might that mean? Now if we have experienced abandonment or rejection or this kind of inconsistent connection to our parents before, our brain immediately goes into this is happening again. We're being abandoned. This is bad. We need to do something now. We need to make sure we're good girl. We need to make sure we set everything in the right way. We need to make sure that we didn't piss them off. We will see what we expect to see based on our core beliefs based on the experiences that we have made before. And again, this is very much a subconscious process. So we're literally perceiving that moment of not getting a text back as a threat. And we're spiked because of that into a stress response. And specifically when we lean anxious, that tends to be really quite a bit of sympathetic charge. So a lot of urgency. A lot of we need to mobilize. We need to do something. We need to fix it. While for example, somebody who has never experienced connection as conditional or as inconsistent, they might look at that same situation and go like, oh, they must be busy. And they have no stress response that's being activated there. So this is really where you clearly see that our attachment system sets us up to interpret reality in a specific way. And if connection has been threatened before and was inconsistent before, your brain is actually doing its job, right? It's meant to keep you safe. And because your program is, this will leave me if I don't watch out. So your brain is watching out. Right? This is a really important thing to understand when you're working with insecure attachment that it's not that your brain is somehow stupid and your nervous system is annoying. It's doing exactly what it's meant to do. It's trying to keep you safe. Because in the past, that was necessary. In the past, it was necessary to kind of make sure that you don't piss mommy and daddy off because you needed that for your survival. Now of course, as an adult, it's not so functional anymore because we are in fact not dependent. on our romantic partners or on our friends. We can actually survive without them. There's no need to have this entire stress response triggered in our body just because we're not getting a text back at the moment. Now the problem here with a stress response like this is that once we are activated, like I said before, our mind is going to start racing. So our mind is going to respond to what's happening in our body. The thoughts that we're having in that moment, they're very much based on those limiting belief systems that we carry from childhood. So they tend to make the stress response even worse. And that is when we spiral out of control. This is very often where you see that these spirals, they are really like, it's normal. Right? Once it's rolling, it's rolling and you feel like I just can't stop it anymore. And everything that we do really at the end of the day makes the activation worse because we're doing those things out of those limiting beliefs, out of those thoughts of scarcity and fear and that sense of I'm not good enough, I did something wrong. It's all my fault. So this is where you can see again that your attachment system. So basically that program that was installed in your brain and your nervous system, when you were little, that program that tells you this is what connection looks like. This is what you need to do in connection. That is based on belief systems and it's deeply ingrained in your nervous system. And it's very often completely subconscious until we actually start to actively work with it. Now, when we start to work with it, the first thing we want to do is we need to practice becoming aware of the cues of our body that are telling us that we are experiencing a stress response. As early as we can because it has this snowball effects and the longer you let it go on, the harder it gets to interrupt it, it is really important that we start to practice to notice the moment when we get activated. And this is the kind of stuff where we might feel our heart beating faster or we notice our breath goes a bit short. Maybe we start to feel heat in our chest, in our face. Maybe we feel tingling in our belly or in our hands. A stress response is physiological. So you can actually sense it happening in your body. And we want to practice noticing that because once you can catch it as early as you possibly can, that's when we can actually start to respond to it differently. So we create a pattern interrupt where normally the stress response is coming on. It starts to create thoughts in your head that are all doomsday and I'm the worst person and I mess it all up. And then from there you go into taking action, we want to interrupt that whole cascade there. So we basically want to the moment that it happens, name what is happening. I'm going into a stress response. I notice my heart is beating really fast. I notice I haven't gotten a text back and that actually creates this tightness in my chest right now. Even just stepping into the observer perspective here where you talk about your experience instead of just being in it and being the experience that can already help you a lot. Even noticing I'm experiencing this stress response because I know that I'm anxiously attached and I understand that the moment that there is just remotely, potentially, a threat to a connection, this is going to be a problem for me. I can expect that. That step out of your experience into you observing your experience, being able to label it, being able to basically speak the language of your body there and see, okay, this is a stress response. This is why my body feels this way. This is why I might have thoughts right now that tell me I need to go back and you know triple check the text that I send this person to make sure that I didn't say anything wrong. We don't take our thoughts as the truth. We take our thoughts as a product of our attachment system of the fact that I am in a stress response right now, of the fact that there's a part of me that is scared of being abandoned right now. In that moment of pausing and labeling that, that already helps you to slow the whole shebang down. To zoom out a little bit. Instead of doing what your nervous system would have you do in that moment, which is urgency we need to mobilize we need to do something right now. We want to do the opposite. We want to go okay I can feel this happening in my body. This is really intense. Let's take a deep breath. This is my nervous system going into stress response. I know exactly why because I know that I'm anxious to be attached. Okay. Then we want to give our body because we now know we are in an active stress response right now. First of all, let's give our body a short cue of safety. This means put the phone down. Take your gaze of the screen. Double inhale, long exhale. Bring your gaze around you. Actually move your neck, orient. Maybe name five things that you can see that are green. Label something that actually looks beautiful. Look around you. Maybe bring a bit of firm touch to your body. Maybe hold yourself. Give yourself a hug. Bring your body into the here and now. Right now, right here. I'm physically safe. Even if there's a part of me that's worried about the fact they're not getting a text back. Right here, right now, I'm physically totally fine. We're not going to die. Take that moment. Then from there, you might want to move your body a little bit when we are in that kind of a sympathetic response. Remember your body is actually wanting you to do something to mobilize, to move literally. So maybe shake your body a little bit. Maybe you want to go for walk. Maybe you want to bounce on your heels a little bit. Maybe you want to make some sounds. Remember, emotions want to move through the body. It's not in our head. It is in our body. So give yourself some space to move there. Now the thing is, this is where working with your nervous system and working somatically becomes really individual. Nobody can tell you what your body needs in that moment. This is where working with our nervous system is so much about actually developing that skill to be in touch with our body in a certain way. Get out of the way to notice what does my body need right now? What would actually feel supportive? And sometimes that is sitting still giving yourself a hug, taking deep breaths. Sometimes it is I need to move. I need to shake. I need to scream. I need to do something to actually move this energy. This is where it becomes really individual. It's not a one size fits all thing. Be curious. What would feel good right now? Outside of picking up your phone and triple texting them or calling them or doing whatever. In my body, what would feel good right now? What can I do for myself here? That would feel good. So you basically really want to approach yourself like that kind of loving parental figure in a way that goes like, I notice I'm really getting upset here right now. And I'm not in danger though. This is uncomfortable and I'm worried and I'm physically safe. How can I help myself to believe that a little bit more right now? And as always, I'm a big fan of talking to yourself. Okay. So talk to yourself when you get upset in those ways. You can talk to yourself in your head. You can talk to yourself out loud. It's really powerful to do it out loud. I know it feels a bit weird, but it's really powerful to speak to yourself, to speak to the part of you that gets scared, right? That is terrified in that moment and feels like I did something wrong. This is where we want to kind of bring our hands to our heart and go like, I know, I know you're upset right now. I get it. It's scary when we don't get a text back. And we will go for walk and you will see that afterwards we will feel a little bit better. This is super, super empowering to develop this kind of a connection to yourself where you actually become a secure attachment figure. And this is where you interrupt that anxious cycle because your anxious attachment is always going to want to make you reach out and get the security, get the certainty from the other person. Because again our main source of safety is connection with another. So this is where creating that sense of "I can lean on myself." I will be there for myself when I feel upset instead of just completely losing my shit there. That is where healing happens where we actually do develop more self trust, where we do develop more of a sense of "I can also rely on myself." So once you have passed there because you notice I'm getting upset, I'm in stress response, what do I need to offer myself right now? What would feel supportive right now? Once you've given yourself that kind of a cue of safety there, we want to ask ourselves, what am I making this situation mean right now? What am I making it mean that they haven't answered me? And then we want to ask ourselves, what is the actual info that I have? What do I actually know? And then we want to compare those two things. And this is where you will get into seeing your limiting beliefs emerge. Because what we're making these situations mean is very often I wasn't good enough, I did something wrong, they don't like me, but this is not fact. This is an interpretation. This is where we see reality through our belief systems. We're not actually seeing objective reality in that moment at all. So we want to compare that with what do I actually know? Which in many of these moments is simply they haven't texted me back yet. Might there be an alternative thing that could have happened that made them not reply until now? Right, their phone died, maybe they're busy. So we want to basically show that part in us that goes worst-case scenario immediately that there are other options and we want to remind ourselves of that. Because the important thing is and that's something where I see a lot a lot of my clients kind of stumble that we kind of approach ourselves in that way, right? And we go like, oh yeah, I'm going into stress response, I'm going to talk to my inner child here, I'm going to be really kind and compassionate, but then we expect that part to just go away. We just go like, oh now I spoke to myself kindly but I'm still anxious. So this is obviously not working. This is exactly the wrong thing to expect there. Of course, if you have been anxiously attached to your entire life, just because you speak to yourself kindly once, the anxiousness is not going to go away. The belief system is not going to go away. Okay, you've practiced that belief system and interpreting reality in this way probably for decades. So saying a nice thing once is really not going to do very much. So expecting it to make the anxiety go away, that's not what we want to do, that's going to get you stuck again. So instead, you need to understand that working with your attachment system in those situations is practice. It's repetition. You change belief systems through repetition, not because you did it once. So even in one situation, right, when this person isn't texting you back and maybe they're not texting you back for an entire day, you're probably going to be anxious for the entire day. The question is, what do you do in response to that anxiety? Do you let it take over? Do you circle in your head again and again telling yourself, I did everything wrong, I'm a bad person, nobody loves me, dah dah dah dah, or do you interrupt that pattern again and again and again because you will notice your mind going back there because you've practiced seeing reality in that way. And then every time we want to go back in and go like, okay, my love, I hear you, I know you're scared that you messed it all up and there is really no sign there that this is what is happening. And even if this person doesn't text you back, that's not because you're unlovable or because you're a bad person. That kind of interaction has to happen again and again and again and again. So you're managing a symptom, you're responding to the symptom that your anxious attachment comes with, that kind of a hyper vigilance towards signs of potentially you being abandoned. Now getting really into the roots of your anxious attachment to make sure that at some point you're not going to be that bothered anymore when somebody is not texting you back for a couple of hours. That is about going deeper into your anxious attachment itself. This is really around working in depth with your belief systems, working with your nervous system regulation. This is where we really basically want to grow out of that sensitivity to potential abandonment or rejection. And responding differently to these acute moments of feeling anxious, that is a big part of that process, but it's definitely not all of it. But if we have these moments where we do spiral into anxiety, this is how we want to respond. This is what we want to practice. Where we want to practice being on our own team, not abandoning ourselves to the moment to our old belief systems. We want to really create that almost like that space inside of us where it's not just our anxious attachment and our limiting beliefs and I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough, but we want to have enough space where we can have that part of us there. And we have another part, your conscious mind that goes like, okay, I'm noticing that there's a part of me that's telling me these stories. And I know that that's not the truth. That's not something that I want to believe in anymore. Remember I say this all the time and we're working with our attachment style in the beginning, we're making choices. It's not because we believe that we are amazing and that we're lovable and that we get to be whoever we are in connections and any way being loved. In the beginning, we don't feel that, right? That's why we're here. In the beginning, we need to make a choice. It has to be a conscious choice. I want to engage with this differently. And over time, practicing that choice becomes a belief. Now, if you want to dive deeper into healing your anxious attachment, get into from anxious to secure. I will link this below and this is a self-paced course that will give you absolutely all the tools that you will need to develop secure attachment over time. I will pop a beautiful discount code in the description below that you can use for two weeks after this episode goes live. So definitely make sure to check that out and to use that discount code. Now, the other thing I want to bring up here is what if they actually don't take suspect? So we've given them maybe a couple of days and they're not answering. What do we do? First of all, once you've given them ample time, okay? So don't go in there like, oh, he hasn't texted me back into ours. So now I need to, you know, do something about it. Take a deep breath. Give them time. If actually nothing is coming, you can very easily check in and just go like, hello, there. I haven't heard from you. I hope everything is okay. Or, hey, I just want to check in. I haven't heard from you a while. I felt the dynamic shift a bit. Are we still on the same page here? Very, very normal to send a text like this. Okay, some of you might go like, oh my god, that is so needy. I could never do that. And there will even be coaches on the internet that will tell you, never do that. Never, double text. Never ask them and let them see that you're worried or let them see that you're bothered by something or that it's affecting you that they're not texting you back to that. I say, if you value emotional maturity, if you want a relationship or even a friendship, by the way, with emotional depth and emotional safety, emotional availability, you need to act like you are emotionally available. Okay, you need to act like someone who embodies the thing that they want to create in a connection with someone else. So When you're not hearing from them and you then just pull away or detach or pretend like you're unbuttored and you don't give a shit That is emotional immaturity If you actually don't give a shit, well then totally fine But if you're pretending and actually you're sitting there Completely wrecked on the inside and feeling like oh my god my life is over because they didn't text me back That is not emotional maturity, okay? If you're worried if you lack clarity if you like I don't really know if you're on the same page here We need to say that That is the behavior of a person that is emotionally mature It is not emotional maturity to pretend like you don't give a shit It's just not and when you do that you will end up with people that are equally emotionally unavailable So if you want depth if you want a relationship that is emotionally safe if you don't want that then cool You know pull away pretend like you don't give a shit It doesn't matter then but if you want a relationship that has depth and that has emotional safety You need to show up with Emotional availability with a certain amount of vulnerability It doesn't mean we go in there and you know lay all of our trauma and our trouble on the table That's not what we're doing. We are simply expressing the fact that we feel confused and then also the way that they respond to that tells you a lot about them This is really where when you just pull back and say nothing and then once they come back You also just re-engage you're missing out on a very crucial moment to find out how do they deal with emotions? How do they actually respond to me when I am vulnerable? When I communicate where I'm at and I'm communicating what I'm needing These moments are important so that you don't miss the red flags potentially Now the other thing outside of you wanting to make sure that you're actually ending up with someone who can deal with emotions Is the fact that if you just pretend that you don't give a shit? What you're doing is that you are perpetuating your anxious attachment You are perpetuating the idea that your emotions are not okay You're basically indirectly telling yourself This is shameful that again, just like you probably learned in childhood that your emotions aren't welcome That your emotions are a problem that if you bring them to the table You're sending the wrong messages and you're going to be too much and you're going to scare them off This is not what you want to teach yourself. You want to teach yourself the opposite. You want to teach yourself? Yes, my emotions matter. No, they're not too much I get to bring them to the table and the right person will want to hear about them So it's not just about making sure that you end up with an emotionally available person, but it's also about yourself It's about your relationship to yourself Because when you decide I'm not just going to pretend like I don't give a shit, but I'm going to say something You are on your own team You're going like I matter and that's why I'm going to open my mouth and say something Now if they then actually ghost you, okay, so you never get an answer This is the kind of moment that is rough. This is rough for anyone being ghosted is really really shitty And it's it's an out for even securely attached people is not great The thing is We want to then again have an eye on What's the meaning that we're creating here? That's again where you need to be a lot where you need to be on your own team Do we make this situation mean that I wasn't enough? I did something wrong. I'm unlovable. I'm just not exciting enough everybody else is better than me So basically taking this moment here taking their behavior as evidence for all of your old limiting beliefs or Do we recognize that this is a program that we're running? This is one interpretation of this situation. This is not the capital T truth How do I want to think about this situation? What do I want to make this mean? And that's again where what we talked about earlier comes in where you want to talk to yourself where you want to go like yep I noticed there is a part of me that is going to town on myself right now and goes like this is on my fault and I don't want to believe that anymore the way that I want to look at this situation is that I just dodged a bullet If this person just ghosts me they obviously do not have the emotional availability that I am looking for in a partner This is not the right person for me not the other way around Not I wasn't good enough and that's why they ran away They are not what I'm looking for and I'm not gonna allow their behavior To define my worth if they decide they don't want to be in my life. That's okay That doesn't make me wrong and also by the way doesn't make them inherently wrong Okay, so we don't always have to kind of make them into the bad person It's just a mismatch period And again, that is something that you will have to remind yourself of where again and again You will have to respond to a thought that is negative about yourself Where you make this mean something about you and you will have to catch it and you have to go like up there it is again Let's take a deep breath. Let's be there for that little part that in that moment is hurting So the gold is in those moments When you notice that belief system coming up when you notice you tell yourself something horrible about yourself because this person goes at you Those are the moments where the healing is at where when we catch ourselves and We actively choose to change the way that we want to think about this when we actively choose okay I'm feeling really sad about this right now What can I offer myself? What do I need? This right there. This is where you're healing and That's a super important thing to understand When it comes to this work because we often feel like every time those thoughts or those emotions Come up that make us feel small and that make us feel insecure that we're somehow failing and then it's like oh my god It's my anxious attachment. It's still there If we approach it in this way, we're gonna have a really really hard time It's not about getting rid of your Anxious attachment and the belief systems and thoughts that come with it. It's about responding differently So it's a bit like when you're practicing meditation for example if you practice meditation with the mindset I never want my mind to wander and every time it wonders. I'm gonna beat myself up. You're gonna have a shit time But when you look at meditation and you go like you know what the moment when I bring my mind back That's the repetition right that is where I'm practicing my muscle to catch myself and come back When you see that as a moment of success Meditation practice becomes way easier because you're not in your mind constantly failing Okay, you're actually repeating something great You're practicing so again, let's recap for a moment. We Go into an anxious spiral because we perceive not getting a text back as a threat to connection This is normal your brain learn to do that because connection was not consistent in the past So now you have a sensitivity To connection potentially leaving you so first of all your body your nervous system is doing exactly what's meant to be doing It's meant to keep you safe now in the past this Did keep you safe now not so functional anymore So the first thing we want to do is practice becoming aware of how it feels in our body when we go into our anxious spiral What's happening label it say it out loud? I noticed my belly is tired. I noticed there's heat in my chest That's when you want to first of all give yourself a couple of cues of safety bring yourself back into the present moment out of your mind Into the present moment Orient bring touch to your body. Take a couple of deep breaths Maybe go outside for walk spending time in nature is always super soothing Give yourself a cue of safety Ask yourself do I maybe need to shake some of that stress out of my body? Do I need to wiggle around a little bit? Do I want to bounce on my heels? Do I want a screen? Do I want a punch a bill? What do I want to do to move a bit off that energy and then Go into conversation with yourself. What am I experiencing? What am I making this me? Is this the capital T truth or could there be other reasons why this might be happening. Talk to your inner child. Be on your own team with compassion. My love, I know you're really scared. I know you want to text them again right now. I know you want to go and post a story to make some jealous. I get it. And I want you to know that this has nothing to do with you. And I don't want to behave like that anymore. Is there something else that we can do to make you feel better? Talk to yourself. Become that secure attachment figure to yourself. And you will have to repeat that again and again. It's not I'm going to talk to myself once and then the anxiety is gone. This is not how it works. It's all about repetition. You're not failing because you're anxious. Being anxious when we anxious to attach his normal, the question is how do we respond to that fear to that stress response? So I hope this episode gave you an insight into first of all what's happening in your body when you start to spiral and what to do about it. Again, if you want to dive deeper into your anxious attachment and you really want to create change in that department of your life because you don't want to feel constantly out of control in your relationships and overwhelmed. Make sure to get into from anxious to secure. Again, there is a discount code there for you that you can use for the next two weeks. And with that, we're done for this week. And I will be back next week with another episode of Embracing Her. So much love to you.