169: 7 Things Unbothered Women Never Do

[Music] Today ladies we're going to talk about seven things un-bothered women never do and I feel like we all understand what being un-bothered means. It means being that girl. The girl you all want to be, the girl who so decent as men and so centers herself, that everything just starts to unlock. Like a manifestation puzzle in her life. And the reason I'm bringing this specific episode to you today is because un-bothered woman, my five week intensive, beautiful juicy masterclass is starting again at the end of June. And if you join the wait list, you will get it for a lower price, right? And the reason I'm talking about it now is because in that five week program we get totally un-bothered. Now we totally regulate ourselves and we stop auditioning for men and we stop doing all this garbage we've been doing. But in order to do that, we first need to understand what these women never do. And these are seven things that I forbid you to do. For biden, rong, Jessica you may not act this way. And they're all for very good cause. But at the end of this video you're going to see but how. And there will be nuggets of howness throughout this video or throughout this concept. But if you truly want to do the actual work, the worksheets, the group, the WhatsApp group that I have a specific phone for because it pops off like a nightclub in the 2000s. Okay. Then you can do that or you can just watch this content because it's very juicy, very good, very amazing. So the whole idea of un-bothered and when I went on the morning show and when I do interviews about the book or when I go on people's podcasts they're like, what's un-bothered? Like you don't care about anything, wrong interviewer, rong, that is wrong. I care. You don't stop loving, you don't stop caring, you don't stop being human being. It's not about acting like you are non-shalom. Although sometimes that does work very well on men. If you want tricks about men, I also have feminine energy courses about how to trick those men, trick them into being yours forever. But let's go through the seven principles of. Seven principles of un-bothered womanhood and that is the first step into what you must do in order to then unlock the rest of your life and have the time, effort, energy, beauty, all of this things in order to unlock the best version of your life and yourself. Okay. So number one, they never chase clarity. When I say this line to you that I'm about to say next to Lee you will understand the true meaning of what I mean. Chasing clarity is a different form of begging. What? Say it louder for the people in the back. Chasing clarity from someone is a different form of begging. Hmm. Are we a doggie? No, we're not. He doesn't want to be with you, but why, Rupert? But why? He doesn't want to be with you. That's all we want to know. He doesn't want to spend weekends with you and would rather spend it with the boys. But why Jacob doesn't matter? Doesn't matter because clarity is not what's important because when you chase clarity, chase being the operative word when you just ask for clarity one time, that is not chasing Patricia. No, no, no, no. Chasing is asking more than once when they give you an answer like, I don't know, I just want to be with the guys this weekend. But why? But why that's chasing? If he doesn't, sometimes people don't know why they act the way they do. His guy friends might make him feel more seen. I know as I run it because that sounds sometimes. Man, prefer video games because there is a rule book in there. Like they can actually win at it. Sometimes you're too good for the guy and I know this sounds like counterintuitive and stupid. But I'll tell you right now breaking up with a good woman sometimes feels like freedom for a guy. Sometimes he doesn't want your goodness, your good-ass. All he wants is to be himself and you with your goodness and your good-self and your good habits and your ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra. And good career. I just making him feel shit about himself. Not your fault, but you have decided to date down and you constantly trying to change him. Why didn't you accept him? No, you can't because you want him to be better because we see men as projects they are not. No, they are not. Most women want certainty because security makes us feel safe and we look for it in the wrong places. It's like looking for a healthy meal in McDonald's. Yeah, it's possible. I've done it before. You get a burger with no bun and you know some some some pickle action there. If you wanted to keep it like me, but let me tell you. You double text, okay. You ask him again. You clarify. You're like, oh, I don't want I don't mean to push like what I'm saying. But you know what I mean and it's because my father once asked me the same question. You clarify it. You ask where things are going. Why would you ever ask a man where things are going? When should I ask him where things are going? Margarita. Never. Never. Should you ask him where things are going? If he is not driving the ship, then it's not going anywhere. Why are you asking him where it's going? If it's stationary in the dock, then you assess with your eyeballs, it is not going anywhere. And that is what you see that he is offering you and you let him know I boarded the ship in order to go to Barbados and it's not going. So I'll be disembarking the ship. You don't say when's the ship going? When's the ship going? Because sooner or later the cruise control or understands that you're willing to pay to stay on the cruise even if it's in the dock and you're paying with your time, effort, money, energy, eggs of your future children, you're paying, yeah. You force conversations. I used to be a big one at this. I used to force conversations like to get a clear clarity out of it. Like, and I understand, I understand as much as I'm at joke and I might like put us anxious girlies down, I understand. I'm not stupid. It's like a bomb to the soul when you finally get that avoidant person, that person who's not making eye contact with you that doesn't know anything. I don't know. I don't know. To finally lock in and tell you the thing, the thing, even if it's not a pleasant thing, even if they're like, I just enjoy being with the guys more than you because they make me laugh. And you're like, oh, okay, it's because I'm too serious. Let me change. Let me change for him. No. Unbothered women understand that confusion is also enough information for it to be closure. If he's inconsistent, that's clarity for your future that he either doesn't like you enough or he's an inconsistent brother. He's not consistent enough. Okay. He's not caught and cold and like mysterious and Mr. Darcy, that's clarity. You're going to be living with a hot and cold granddad at the end of it. And that's not so cute. That's not so funny when he's 55 years old and hot and cold. That's deeply annoying. And keep in mind, I did not call 55 year olds grandad because that's going to be me soon. I was visualizing more like a 90 year old and then we went back to middle, middle age at 55. It's not cute. It's only cute when they're a teenager and you're all confused. And if you want to have a confusing relationship and like seek clarity, that's very cute in your teens. I adore it. Like if my daughter wants to do that, go off queen, do it in your teens, but from a grown man. Christ Lord. And this is the thing about being unbothered, right? It unlocks your potential and other things because I realized I took up a lot of my 20s with this kind of shenanigan, with this kind of behavior. Chasing clarity from ex boyfriend, from potential guy, from friends, from situations. Why did she say that? Why did she look at me like that? Why did she not invite me? Who gives a tiny rats ass? Okay. It's enough information. If you're consi trying to get answers from someone, you're, you've already got the answer. That is the answer. If you're trying to chase the answer, the answer is the universe. God and all his apostles said, move on. Move on sister. There is nothing here for you. The answer has been answered. The case has been closed. The conclusion has been made and everyone has gone home and you're still here trying to have a conversation with the party that is gone. Mm-mm. Number two, unbothered women that we're going to become on the 29th of June. The doors open to buy tickets for the Archimewanity and the program on the 16th of June. So join us there. But number two, they never make men the center of their lives. Oh, but I'm married. I don't care. I'm married. or our lacks. You can make men the centre of your life even if you're just dating, because all you think about is dating apps and where you gonna go and how you gonna dress, making men a centre of your life can even be a thought process. You go in a shoe store, you wanna buy a shoot, my boyfriend doesn't like the color red, who cares? Obviously be smart. There is wisdom in the fact that if your man loves you in a red dress, where the damn red dress when you go out? Like are you dumber or you clever? So if I'm clever and I don't care what I'm wearing, I'm gonna pick the red dress to impress the man that I'm with. Let's just say that's what he likes. And let's just say my friend loves tea as opposed to coffee. I'm gonna order her tea. Those don't take time out of my day, right? But I'm not gonna overthink it. I'm just gonna do it as a nice thing to make him happy because it also makes me happy because I don't care in that moment if I'm wearing red or blue. The dresses are the same, right? But I'm not gonna adjust my day. I'm not going to change everything because often women make themselves very angry. Let's say you're in a relationship and you really wanted to eat a smores for dessert. I don't need dessert so I don't know what I'm talking about. And he really wanted Reese's pieces. This is what I hear. You guys say Reese's pieces and you wanted a smores and then you go and do what he wants. A lot of times men don't care that much. A lot of times men just want to see you happy, right? If you can't buy both of them and be like, I'll have this and you have this. This is a metaphorical example. We're not really talking about dessert. Okay. Catch it. Okay. Just do what you want to do. Men love happy women, especially ones who can make themselves happy. Even at his expense. Even if you spent his money and eaten the dessert that you want and he didn't get what he wanted and he's complaining, but you're happy. It's like Veruch assault or whatever it is, you know, the spoil little girl who's just I loved by daddy. If you, there is a magic in women whose father loved them because they can take liberties. They take the piss. They honestly take the piss. I can see a fatherless, by fatherless, I mean, like father wasn't around father was present. He wasn't there. He didn't support her. Girl over woman, over one whose dad was super present because they just have a nonchalant unbothered. I don't give enough attitude and they're like men are here to please me and it's intoxicating. That is what unbotheredness is. If I was to summarize it on our here podcast, I wouldn't say it on TV and everything, but it's basically I'm trying to make you look like your daddy loved you. Okay, because then the universe is going to respond accordingly. Yeah. Men cannot be the center of your life. They cannot be the center of your dating, love, family. If they're always the center, the problem is I really enjoy relationships. I'm relationship focused. They are the center of my life, but they're not the center of my thoughts in terms of I don't think every time what my husband is thinking of me. It doesn't matter. It's his problem when he thinks about me, not my problem when he thinks about me. Okay. You should not build your entire identity out of a relationship with a man because any time that it doesn't validate you, you are going to crumble and you might even ruin a good relationship. Okay. A man has to be part of the story, not the plot line when it's when it's the main plotline as I said on a podcast the other day. It's usually a tragedy girl. And the main plotline is love. It's Titanic or it's Romeo and Juliet, isn't it? So that's not what the life we're trying to live. Okay. We're trying to live a very different life where it's a side character, but not the main character. This episode is brought to you by What Not. 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Number three, unbothered women that you either be coming after this video or after we do the unbothered women masterclass, they never audition for love. auditioning for something means preparing for it, thinking that, oh, I hope I get the part whatever it is and that is part of the relationship, part of love, part of him accepting me. That means behavior is like over explaining yourself. Like, oh, I would really like to go to Japanese restaurant. Not only if you want to because one time, you know, I went to the Japanese with my friends, but of course, why are you talking so much? We're going to go on to this in a second podcast, but the key to just winning a life is being mean, boring and selfish, but we're going to go into that, okay? Comment mean boring selfish if you want me to unlock some keys in your life, okay? Overgiving, over explaining, trying to be cool. I'm a cool girl. If you've read my book unbothered, the Amanda character in my book unbothered, yeah? I'll also leave that in the description boxes. Trying to be low maintenance, that's a pick me girl as people call online, but trying to be low maintenance fun and easy breezy and whatever. Yeah, I don't mind. Yeah, I don't mind. I'm cool. Stop being cool. Cool is an interesting. It's not interesting. You need to be a difficult. Yeah, you need to be a little bit difficult. You need to be like the Ferraris or the things that are hard to maintain. Men love that shit. Unbothered women don't convince people to choose them. There is no salesmanship to unbothered women. Unbothered women know that their Ferraris meant these emberkins. There is no adverts. There's no commercials. There is none of that jazz. They observe who naturally would be the best fit for them and that is where they go. There is no auditioning at all. No auditioning behavior. Number four, they never let anxiety make decisions. I used to do this a lot and right now, sometimes I struggle with reactivity making decisions. Sorry, if you're watching this, you'll see I've got two new hoops in my ears because I'm trying to keep my earholes open. I went to get them and the system was like, oh my God, special occasion. I was like, yeah, my earholes are closing. That's the special occasion. I used to let anxiety make decisions when I'd feel anxious. What I'd want is almost that reward of the anxiety going away. I would do anything or say anything to provoke that person. Let's say it's a boyfriend to tell me that, oh, yeah, they're coming home soon or they're thinking about me or everything's okay. I'd even provoke fights, which is a very big sign of a codependent provoking fights in order to have that kind of closeness again because they feel when everything is okay and calm that they don't know their equilibrium, that they would rather have a spike of emotion with their voidant person, which is usually the case for people who are very bothered with relationships. They attract avoidant people because that is the rule of life. If you're very bothered and moving in, of course, you're going to attract someone who's very nonchalant and probably avoidant, right? So I used to let anxious anxiety make my decisions for me. So as soon as I felt a spike of like, oh, they don't want me enough, they don't like me enough, they don't love me enough, they don't look at me enough, whatever it is I wasn't enough. As opposed to being like, sis, I've got to go home and regulate myself. By go home, I mean to my room, to the bathroom, to the shower, there is steps again in the master class that you can go through and worksheets on it. Instead of that, I would delegate the calming of my nervous system to whoever unlucky sod that was with me. Sometimes it was an avoidant person. Sometimes it was a normal person who had the best intentions for me, but even a secure normal person who has the best intentions for you will fatigue under the strain of always having to carry your emotions. If you're always texting them, always checking who they're following, always monitoring them, re-asking things again, seeking reassurance, underlying that one if you're making notes, seeking reassurance. You're really delegating the regulation of your nervous system to this poor sod, release them from the jail of your emotions. It's really, really hard work and you're going to push people away. Unbothered women don't wait for other people to regulate them. They regulate themselves and unbothered women are more scared of relying on someone else to regulate them, not relying on them to do things for them. Oh my God, rely on other people to help you all the time. Women have staff for a reason girl, don't they? Let your man do everything for you, but don't let him, we are taught in our society to be financially independent. She's independent. She pays her own way, 50/50, but we're emotionally codependent, baby girl. We're so codependent that you have completely not allowed him to do the physical labor that he should do since you're the one who is female and potentially can make life. All he can do is sustain it as in pay for your existence and your God-like, God-as-like nature, right? But you take that away from him, but you completely strangle him with your codependent self because you are completely lacking independence and thought in validation and all of those aspects, right? You are completely formless when it comes to that. But you pay 50/50? God. Number five, unbothered women are never confused being chosen for being valuable. You see, again in our society, like I said, we want to be chosen. And these days we're like, yeah, I don't care about marriage, I don't care about family, yeah, but you want to be chosen by a boss in a career, right? Because everyone wants to be a CEO, billionaires, right? We've just attached it to another asset of being approved by a greater society, by a nine to five, a masculine world where we now want to work in, right? Marriage doesn't create worth becoming a CEO of tampon company doesn't create worth being true essence of feminine energy is being yourself and existing is the only thing that creates worth and perhaps doing things for other people. in the wider community. You have more worth when you're more worth something to the greater community, right? No matter people, you can influence help, cuddle, as it were, it doesn't have to be on a major scale. Those things is the things that actually gives you value and moves the needle. How much you get paid, who marries you, all these things are not a proof of your value. Your deep humanity is, your spirituality is, yeah? I don't know. Look at some crystals and the moon or go to church. Whatever your belief is, there is a deeper value in you as this cosmic, godlike essence that is way beyond some guy marrying you, awesome job hiring you. And if you believe that you can seek validation from something choosing you and saying, there you go, gold star, I understand why you do because you went through the school system, but that is not where self worth is. Number six, they never over function, right? Overfunctioning, overfunctioning, I talk about it a lot in the book, is a manipulative tactic in order to say, I will do ABCDFG for you, even though you have not asked me. And in return, this happens in friendships and in marriages and relationships, I expect you to do ABCDFG for me. And I've done ABCDFG for you because I want ABCDFG in return. You've not signed the contract to me, you have not told me that verbally, that because I, for example, as a friend, have picked you up from somewhere, have taken you here, have bought your meals and your coffees, et cetera. And as a girlfriend, I, for example, foregone seeing my friends, you never asked me to go see my friends on the weekend, but you simply said you're free, and I've canceled on my friends, but then the next weekend, you go out with your friends, how dare you? How dare you? So by virtue of overfunctioning, I am inscripting some kind of servitude from the person I am with. It's a manipulative tactic and as cute as it sounds and looks and as giving as it sounds and it looks, it is not actually giving the door slam that I almost had a heart attack because I thought we were alone here. People slamming doors, yeah, they don't agree with our message. People who have a function, they try and carry the whole relationship for ransom. They try and carry the whole friendship for ransom. They try and carry the whole family to then say, look what I did for you. Let me rub your face into the metaphorical shit of what I've done for you, right? Because eventually overfunctioning becomes resentment. So as much as you're saving this person, doing this for them, there is no greater burden than the unlived life of a parent, right? There was no greater burden than the unlived life of a partner. If you are trying to do things for everybody because you think you're a martyr or a mother or a manager in the relationship, and if you want more on that, type those three words in my name and it will come up on dear old YouTube, yeah, or I'll put it in the description box below if Taylor remembers. And if you have a function, you built resentment. Resentment is a weapon with which you will kill that relationship or that person or what you have going on between you. So when you're overfunctioning and you're putting yourself last and you are developing some kind of autoimmune because of the rage you have inside, know that you are the bomb that will destroy the relationship eventually. And that is not what unbothered women do. Unbothered women sit with the uncomfortable pain of being a little bit selfish by selfish. I mean that in the most beautiful way, like looking after self, they sit with that guilt and discomfort, they watch sometimes people be like, "Why didn't you go to do to do it?" And they go, "Yeah, because I'm seeing my friends this weekend." And they know that there will be no resentment and freedom in the relationship. Of course they are loving too. If that person says, "Please don't go this weekend. It's my birthday." Of course she's not an ass. She will stay, but you see what I'm saying. And number seven is the most important part of being an unbothered woman and unlocking all the things you want in life. And that is a very deep one. The entire unbothered mindset comes down to, "I want this, not I need this." Yeah? It's a choice. It's a mindset of choice and autonomy. Yeah? Because a woman who can walk away from everything is very, very powerful. From rejection, from heartbreak, from disappointment, a woman who says, "I've got my own back and I will be fine because I trust myself enough to carry myself through this existence and through this world is a force you cannot mess with." And you owe yourself to become a force that nobody can mess with in those terms because you potentially, and I see you in my DMs, our mother to children, are someone's sister, are someone's daughter, and we as a womanhood, we owe it to each other to not be so easy to take advantage of. You need to know how to look after yourself and how to care about your own heart. You need to know how to be calmer, how to be magnetic, how to move through the world, and how to get what you want with feminine wisdom, as opposed to doing the manipulative techniques that we talked about before. And at the core of it, the essence of the magnetism and the unbothered nature comes from knowing that you've got your own back and you will be okay. Unbothered woman isn't a woman who cares less. She's a woman who trusts herself more. I'll see you on the next one. Love you lots, like jelly tots. Bye.