7 Signs You’re a People Pleaser & 7 Methods to Break This Habit

This is an I Heart Podcast. Guaranteed Human. I'm going to wait one day. Right now. I'm about 130. I'm 183. We should race. No, I want to leave here with my original hit. On the podcast to match up with the Leah, I pair prominent female athletes with unexpected guests. On a recent episode, I sat down with undisputed boxing champ, Clarissa Shields, and comedian Wanda Sykes to talk about Wanda's new movie, Undercard. The art of trash shock and what it really means to be lady-like. Open your free I Heart Radio app. Watch the match up with Leah and listen now. Brought to you by No Vartus, founding partner of I Heart Women's Sports Network. I'm Bailey Taylor and this is Icarol. This podcast is all about going deeper with the women's shaping culture right now. Yes, we will talk about the style and the success, but we are also talking about the pressure, the expectations, and the real work behind it all. As a woman in the industry, you're always underestimated. So you have to work extra hard in a way that doesn't compromise who you are in your integrity. You know, I like to say I was kind of like the silent ninja. Listen to Ick Girl with Bailey Taylor on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi everyone, I'm Cheryl Strade, author of Wild and Tiny Beautiful Things. I'm excited to share that I have a new podcast called Mind Over Mountain. In each episode, I interview athletes, adventurers, and adrenaline seekers to discuss the inner landscapes that informed and inspired their extraordinary feeds. So we too can better understand how to face our own seemingly insurmountable challenges. Listen to Mind Over Mountain every Thursday on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be adding a really special offering onto the back of my solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily J is a daily series on calm, and it's meant to inspire you while outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress-free life. We dive into a range of topics, and the best part is each episode is only seven minutes long, so you can incorporate it into your schedule, no matter how busy you are. This week, we're talking about your habits, and how to develop better daily routines. Of course, if you want to listen to the Daily J every day, you can subscribe to calm. So go to calm.com/j for 40% of your membership today. Hey everyone, welcome back to on purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to become happier, healthier, and more healed. Now, guys, I'm back from tour. I am actually back, and I'm so excited to be back here with you on our Friday workshops. Your support has been incredible to me. So many of you, tens of thousands of you came out to see me on tour. So many of you, I got to hug and look into your eyes and hold your hands, which I so deeply wanted to do. And it was just an unbelievable shared experience. But even over here on the podcast, you've been supporting me through all the incredible episodes this year. We've had Dr. Joe Dispenser, we've had Kim Kardashian, we've had Louis Hamilton, Kevin Hart. It has been an incredible roster of guests, and you keep sharing the episodes, you keep telling your friends about them, you are allowing for this wisdom to spread so fast, so far, and so wide. And for that, I am so deeply grateful to you. But I'm back for these Friday workshops, whether you're listening on a Friday or any other day, I'm just happy that you're here. And I just wanted to take a moment to say, just how thankful I am for all the engagement on Instagram, on TikTok, for the sharing of the episodes. It's unbelievable. And I don't take it for granted, I value you so, so much. Keep it coming, make sure you leave a review, make sure you tag me on Instagram and on TikTok. I'm always looking out, I'm always commenting, I'm always replying as much as I can. So thank you so much for doing that. Now, today's topic is something that I think a lot of us struggle with, a lot of us deal with. And it's quite a tough one to talk about. Because it's uncomfortable to recognize that a lot of our behaviors, a lot of our traits, a lot of our ways of being are defined by wanting to be a people pleaser. How many of you already identify as a people pleaser and feel uncomfortable or unhealthy about what it is like to be one? And how many of you are listening and you are thinking to yourself, well, I don't know if I'm people pleaser, I've been hearing about this term, I feel like I might be. I'm not sure, and I want to have a healthier relationship with it. And maybe there's some of you who are like, "Jay, I've been a people pleaser for so long, it is wrecking my life, I need to fix it, I need to figure it out, how do I do this?" Now, I want to start off by saying this. Whether you're a people pleaser or you think you might be one, it's natural, it's normal to want to see other people happy. I don't think that's a bad thing for wanting other people to be happy, for wanting other people to be healthy, for wanting people to feel good, for wanting people to be joyful, that is a beautiful feeling that you should always hold onto. I have that feeling. When I was on stage, I was pouring all my energy out into the audience, all my love, all my joy because I wanted you to feel that. Recording these episodes, when I'm working hard every day to create this incredible content that we get to do here, at on purpose, I'm pouring my heart into, I'm pouring all my energy into it because I want you to feel that when you experience it. But here's the difference between people pleasing and helping and serving people. People pleasing is where we displease ourself in the process of pleasing others. We put ourselves second to put others first. Actually, we put ourselves seventh by putting everyone else first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth. We de-prioritize what we truly are searching for by prioritizing what other people want. What it basically means is that when you're a people pleaser, you will even go to the extent of disliking yourself for someone else to like you. Let's just let that settle. A people pleaser is someone who will go to the extent of even disliking themselves in order for others to like them. So when I'm pouring out on stage or I'm pouring out in these episodes or I'm trying to share my love through my books or whatever it may be, I want to please you. I want to make you happy. That's a beautiful mindset to have. But I don't want to do it to the extent that I end up hurting myself, that I end up disliking myself, or I end up being frustrated or overwhelmed with myself. Sometimes you want to make someone so happy, but you get so stressed, you take on so much overwhelm, you take on so much pressure, and in the end of it, whether they're pleased or not, you're just exhausted. We don't want to be in that position. We don't want to be in a position where we have no energy left to give to ourselves. That is the difference between a people pleaser and someone who's trying to serve, trying to help, trying to make an impact. When you're living for people with purpose, it's different than when you're living for people trying to please them. In your purpose, you take care of yourself so you can serve and help others. In people pleasing, you just try and please others, hoping it makes you feel better. Right? Notice that difference. And I've been there, by the way, I remember being a full-on people pleaser thinking it was service, being a martyr, thinking it was about sacrifice. And what I didn't realize was that real purpose was to take care of myself, to prioritize myself, to work on myself, to energize myself so that I could extend myself to others. If you just focus on yourself and you don't care about anyone else, that selfishness. If you only focus on other people and not yourself, that self-sabotage and self-sacrifice. But if you work on yourself, if you take care of your health, your mental health, your physical health, your fitness, your finances, in order to be more, give more, serve more for others, that's what we want to get to. And I'm on this journey myself because it's so easy to slip back into those old habits of being a people pleaser. So today we're going to talk about the key traits of people pleases and we're going to talk about the transformation that we need to make into people with purpose. Right? So I learned this really interesting term from the National Health Institute. And it's the word sociotropic. You might have heard it before. But sociotropic individuals, the National Health Institute says, are characterized by an overvaluation of closeness and social acceptance in order to boost low self-esteem, while autonomous individuals base their self-esteem on achievement, independence and control. So we all know what autonomy looks like, the independence, the healthy independence of being able to have freedom to make decisions to make choices. Social-tropic individuals are the opposite. They find their worth in not having a choice in giving up their independence in letting go of a personal pursuit. And often end up as people pleases. Now, the U-Gov poll ended in August 2022 says about half 47% of American adults believe that other people in their life would definitely or probably describe them as a people pleaser. Nearly half of us feel that other people would describe us as a people pleaser. So you're not alone when you feel this way. And among women, 51% believe others see them this way and 42% of men say the same. So we can see that this is a challenge that a lot of us have. It's something that a lot of us experience. And again, I want to remind you, the challenge is not that you want other people to be happy. Wanting other people to be happy is a beautiful motive. It's when you're willing to make yourself unhappy to make others happy where there becomes a challenge. And what I mean by that is when you really start destroying or deconstructing your own identity, you start dissolving your own nature, your own qualities and abilities in order to make someone else feel good. Now, among self identified people pleases in U-Govs poll, 39% say being this way has made their life harder. Being a people pleaser makes our life harder. And I think you are here because you've experienced that. You felt that in your own life where it can become really difficult. Now, why does it become difficult? I want to walk you through these traits because I want us to be conscious of the different ways in which we behave when we're people pleasing. You may think it's like, you know, you have low self esteem and you're always just trying to make other people smile and laugh. And those are parts of it, but I want to give you a few new perspectives, hopefully reaffirming some of your beliefs as well so that you can be more conscious. Because the more conscious you are, the easier it is to break through. Remember all amendments in our life start with awareness. You can't address something until you're aware of it. Let me say that again. You can't address something. You can't amend something until you're aware of it. And you're only aware of it when you're aware of how differently it shows up in your life. You're only aware of it based on how deeply you know the intricacies and the nuances of how it shows up in your life. So here are the traits of being a people pleaser. The first one is struggling to say no. How many times does someone message you and say, Hey, do you have a minute to catch up right now? You've got like a hundred emails to look at, but you say, Yeah, sure. And then you hesitate and you fill up set, right? So what happens? You pick up the call. That person starts telling you their life story, starts telling you everything they're struggling with, starts telling you about their challenges at work. What happens next? You help them solve their problems. You listen to them in your head. You're being torn because you also want to solve your own problems. Two hours later, you come back to your 159 emails and all of a sudden you're now frustrated at yourself. You might even feel frustration towards them. I think that's one of the most interesting things about being a people pleaser is that not only then are you upset at yourself. You actually become upset at them. You go, Well, why can't there be more conscientious? Like, why didn't they think about my feelings? Why do they never ask about me? Why do they never think about how I'm feeling? What I'm doing? Maybe I'm busy right now. How much do you weigh one right now? About 130. I'm I 183. We should race. No, I want to leave here with my original hits. On a recent episode, I sat down with undisputed boxing champ Clarissa Shields and comedian Wanda Sykes to talk about Wanda's new movie undercard, the art of trash talk and what it really means to be lady like. Open your free iHeartRadio app, search the match up with the Leah and listen now. Brought to you by Novartis founding partner of iHeartWomenSports Network. Hey, it's us the Jonas Brothers and guess what we have some big news. What's the news? News news. We created our own podcast called Hey Jonas. We invented a podcast. Well, we didn't invent it. We just contributed to it. People to do podcasts. Pretty. Yeah, pretty wide range of podcasts. We're out there. But this one's extra special. So how do we how do we actually come up with the name Hey Jonas? I honestly don't remember. I think it was on a call about what we should call it and we are thinking I'm originally calling it one of the early names of our band before Jonas Brothers. This is how you guys remember going down. Yes, I have a very different memory of this. We were talking about a thing a bit for the podcast. We could call in and say, Hey Jonas. And then I wrote down in my little note pad, Hey Jonas, and offered it up as a potential title. What thanks for remembering that guys listen to Hey Jonas on the iHeart Radio app Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Just listen, we don't care where you hear it. What if mind control is real? Can you control the behavior of anybody around you? What kind of life would you have? Can you hypnotize someone into sleeping with you? I gave her some suggestions to be sexually aroused. Can you get someone to join your cult? NLP was used on me to access my subconscious. NLP, aka neuro-anguistic programming, is a blend of hypnosis, linguistics, and psychology. Fans say it's like finally getting a user manual for your brain. It's about engineering consciousness. Mind games is the story of NLP. It's crazy cast of disciples and the fake doctor who invented it at a new age commune and sold it to guys in suits. He stood trial for murder and got acquitted the biggest mind game of all. NLP might actually work. This is wild. Listen to mind games on the iHeart Radio app Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Where else do you struggle to say no? Maybe there's a family event. And maybe there's someone that you don't quite see eye to eye at that family dinner, but when it comes to the holiday, you always say yes. Maybe you struggle to say no when your friends says, hey, do you want to help me move this weekend? Or you know what? Can you organize this for our friends this year and all of a sudden you become team planner, event planner, party planner, and you struggle to say no. We struggle to say no because we're scared that it makes us unlikeable if we're useless. We're scared that if we are unuseful, we are unlikable. We believe that we are only likable if we're useful to others. That if we're of some requirement, then that gives us significance. Now that's natural, right? When you think you offer something to someone, that's when you feel significant, but you have to realize that the people that love you in your life, they don't love you because of your use of a requirement of a need, they love you because of who you are. They love you as you are. We think saying no is us closing the door and being liked. We think that's it. They're going to think I'm useless. They're going to think I'm unlikable. They're going to think that I'm not worth it. And my only worth is if I can do something for this person. Right? I know you can feel that when I say it. I know you relate to that when I say it. And in that we keep saying yes, even when we can't take it anymore, to the point that one day we've said so many yeses that we finally burst. We finally spill over. And then at that point when everything's tipped over the edge, we then are upset with that person for not noticing, for not feeling how we were feeling. So how do we overcome this? Learning to say no is probably the hardest thing ever. Right? Someone says, hey, do you want to come out tonight and you say, no, I'm not sure. And they say, oh, stop being a loser. Come out. Right? Like that kind of attitude. Or, hey, you know, we're thinking of planning this trip that we're going on and you're like, oh, no, I don't think I can go. I've got work priorities. I was like, oh, you're boring. Right? Like we feel that pressure. My wife and I sometimes feel that because we go out to hang with our friends, but we're their friends that want to go sleep by 10 p.m. And so we're like leaving. And they're like, oh, why don't you watch a movie? And we're like, you know what? You know what? Really want to wake up early tomorrow to meditate. And then I'm one thing is like, well, you know, why do you need to do that? Like why can't you just have fun? Now as times gone on, I've spent less and less time with that. I don't have friends that say that to me anymore, which is a beautiful thing. And it's been really clearing guiding me as to who likes me for who I am the way I am or who wants me to become more like them in order for them to like me. Right? Think about that clearly. Who likes me, right? For who I am the way I am. I like sleeping at 10 a.m. I like waking up at 6 a.m. I like meditating in the morning. I like getting sleep before midnight. Who likes me that way for who I am the way I am or who only likes me when I do things that please them? People who like me for who I am the way I am are so important to me compared to those who want me to be like them for them. to like me. For some of those friends who's like, "Well, if you don't stay up to watch a movie like I like to, then I don't like you as much." If you're not going to be the person who entertains me in this way, then I don't like you as much. Learning to say, "No" is accepting that you may lose that person or that person may distance themselves from you. I think that's what we're getting at here is that we're actually developing the ability to sit in the discomfort of someone not liking us. The way to do this effectively is learn to say, "No." In a nice way. I think when we first practice this, we start learning to just say, "No." We're like, "No, I'm not coming. No, I can't make it." And all of a sudden, that person's like, "Well, why are you being so abrupt?" You literally were saying, "Yes, until yesterday." And now you listen to a J-Shuddy episode. And now you're just saying, "No, all the time." But it's like, "No, let me say no in a nice way. Let me give my explanation." You're not remembering giving an apology or a context for trying to make them happy, but you're being honest. So I'll say to a friend, "You know what? I actually did this this weekend." It was 4th of July last weekend. It was a big holiday weekend. I had a lot of wonderful friends that just come back into town after my tour. Everyone was like, "Jay, we want to see you. We want to hang out." And I wanted to see them too. And I said, "You know what? I literally just came off tour. I'm pretty exhausted. I just need to spend a bit of a loan time this weekend. And that's what I'm going to do. And I'll see you as soon as I can. I would really appreciate it. Thank you so much for understanding this in advance." And hey, none of my friends were like, "Oh, Jay, you're so ungrateful." Like, why are you acting like that? Everyone was just like, "Jay, we get it. Let us know when you're free." Right? And so that's the kind of community you want to surround yourself with. If someone's not reciprocating or responding to your honesty and your communication in a healthy way, you have to really ask yourself whether they're the right person that you want to have in your life. Now, number two, which is linked to this, is a lot of us constantly apologize. "Oh, I'm so sorry that happened. Oh, I'm so sorry. I did. I'm so sorry. I can't make this. I'm so sorry that it wasn't perfect. I'm so sorry." Right? We threw a dinner party, but we're so sorry that it wasn't what people expected. We're always over-apologizing. How many of you find yourselves when you don't know what to say? You just over-apologize. Like let's say someone's into you, right? Someone's been flirting with you. Someone's slid into your DM. Someone's messaging you. Someone's talking to you. You're not into them. They tell you that they're into you. And now you are telling them, "You're not into them, but you're like, 'I'm so sorry. I'm not into you.' I feel so bad. All that kind of stuff." By the way, it's great for you to have feelings for how they feel, but we constantly make it feel like it's off fault. Right? Now that you say no to them and they say, 'Oh, well, I still want to be friends,' or like, 'Let's still connect,' or 'Let's still talk.' And then we feel even more sorry because then we want to spend time with them because we want them to like us. But then we're like, 'Oh, what do I mean? I feel bad because maybe I'm still teasing them or maybe they're still into me or whatever it may be.' And so now you're making out like this was all your fault. How many times have you made it out? Be honest with me. How many times have you made it out that it's all your fault? How many times do you feel that way? That's actually at the root of constantly apologizing. You constantly apologize to your parents. You feel like the challenges they had were all your fault. You constantly apologize to your boss. You feel like everything is all your fault. How many of us walk around with that mindset that everything is our fault, that in some way, if things are perfect, it's our fault, that it's our problem that we did something wrong, that we made a mistake. Now how do we work on that? How do we stop thinking everything is our fault? The biggest thing for me was to realize that if someone was an adult, they had to take responsibility for their actions and I had to take responsibility for mine. If we're adults now, if we're over 18 years old, right, if we're over 21 years old, everyone is old enough to make their own decisions and do what is right for themselves and take care of themselves. Yes, I'm there to support. Yes, I want to be a good friend, but I have to acknowledge that if something didn't work out, it is not my fault because we have to take accountability, right? We have to take accountability. To me, instead of apologizing, what became a healthier solution was asking questions. Let's say that something didn't go the way someone wanted it to. Instead of me saying, "I'm so sorry, I'll sort it out." I'd be like, "How do you think it should have gone? What do you think we could have done better? What is it that you could have done and I could have done? How could we have approached this better?" I found that replacing apologies with questions. Now again, I'm not saying, "When you're at fault, don't say sorry." That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that A, don't think everything is your fault and B, when something feels like it's being blamed on you or it's coming back to you, it's like, "Well, how should we deal with this?" Going back to that idea of someone being into you and you feeling like it's all your fault, saying, "Well, let's navigate this better. How can we keep hanging out together if you're still into me? You can't just not be into me tomorrow." If you ask that question, that person now has to think about it. Chances are they haven't thought about it. Chances are in their head. They're still thinking they're going to get you. They're still going to win you over. They're still going to find a way to lure you into their life if they're really into you. That's what they're thinking. But when you ask the question and say, "Well, wait a minute. How can we just hang out as friends because you just told me you're into me and I'm not going to change my mind about you. So how's this going to work?" And then all of a sudden they have to say, "Oh, I'm not sure. It will be fine." And it's like, "Well, no, how will it be fine?" So asking questions is better than saying, "Look, I'm so sorry. This is going to be tough for you, but we'll figure it out." And then you start consoling them. This is huge, by the way. I hope you're listening and I hope that this is resonating with you. The third trait is not communicating your needs. This is a big one for people where we spend months going by, even years going by, and we never felt like we had an opinion or we never felt like we could share our opinion. And then years later we said, "Well, why never you ask me what I want?" And the person's like, "Well, you never said what you want." And it's interesting because we think that if we don't communicate what we want, then that person will be happy because they'll get to do what they want. And often if you're around someone who's quite a leader, they will lead with that way without even asking. But it's so important that you take time daily to sit down just for five minutes at the start of your day and five minutes at the end of your day. At the five minutes of the start of your day, ask yourself, "What's the one thing I need to do today to make today feel like a great day?" I ask myself this everyday, "What's the one thing I need to do today to make today feel like a great day?" And often the answer will be, "Work out." Sometimes the answer will be, "Sleep early." Sometimes the answer will be, "Have dinner with friends." Sometimes the answer will be, "Hang out with Rathi." Actually, it's hang out with Rathi pretty much every day, but you know, that isn't always possible if we're traveling. But the idea is, if you have that one question, that one thing, you're communicating your needs to yourself. Communicating your needs to yourself is the first step to a healthy relationship with someone else. It's not that you don't communicate your needs to them. It's that we don't communicate our needs to ourselves. But we're not even aware. So every day sit down at the start of the day, five minutes reflect, "What's the one thing I need to do today to make today a great day?" And at the end of each day, ask yourself, "Have I done it yet?" And, "How are my grateful for?" That I did for myself, reminding yourself, closing that loop. Because too many of us don't even know what we want. Number four, signs of a people pleaser is that you often feel rejected or left out. You feel like everyone gets along, but somehow you're not getting along. And in order to solve that feeling, you try and people please, you try and over deliver, you try and be there and be everything and be around. And what I find for this one is that we often feel rejected and left out because we're trying to be part of a group that we don't naturally fit into. There is a natural group for all of us, all across the planet. For some people, it's a club, for some people, it's a cycling group, for some people, it's game night, for some people. But, you know, we always want to be part of that one group of friends. It's kind of like that movie Mean Girls, if you remember it. And in fact, there are so many groups of friends at college or at high school, but everyone wants to be part of that one group because we think that that one group is cooler, smarter, more attractive, more talented, more beautiful, whatever it may be. And the truth is that that isn't necessarily our group. And that's okay. And even us wanting to be in that group is inauthentic. And I think that's what's so interesting. We think, oh my gosh, they're so inauthentic because they don't want to be my friend. And it's like, no, we're inauthentic for wanting to be at that party, for wanting to be in that friend group, for wanting to be in that circle. So the soul for this is find your group, find different people for different things. I like to dabble in different social circles and I have friends that I see in different environments, in different reasons in that allows you to live a truly authentic life because not Not all my friends love football, not all my friends love game night, not all my friends love hanging at the pool, not all my friends love meditation. And it allows me to be all of myself. And yes, there are a few people who know me completely 360 and that's beautiful, but we're trying so hard to be part of one group that we end up feeling rejected when there are so many beautiful groups to be a part of and finding our misfits, right? It's like, let's be the misfits, let's find our community rather than forcing ourselves into the community that we suppose is more interesting, more cool or more relevant or the place to be, which necessarily wouldn't make us happier. If you get control of behavior of anybody around you, what kind of life would you have? Can you hypnotically persuade someone to buy a car? When you look at your car, you're going to become overwhelmed with such good feelings. NLP, aka Neuro-Enguistic Programming, is a blend of hypnosis, linguistics and psychology. He stood trial for murder and got acquitted. The biggest mind game of all, NLP, might actually work. This is wild. Listen to mind games on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, it's us, the Jonas Brothers, and guess what? We have some big news. What's the news, and the news? We just concluded first. We're just people to do podcasts. Pretty wide range of podcasts. We're starting a friend. So how do we actually come up with the name Hey Jonas, guys? I think it was on a call about what we should call it. Oh, we were thinking I'm originally calling it one of the early names of our band before Jonas Brothers. Yes. I have a very different memory of this. We were talking about a thing, a bit for the podcast. We would call it in and say, Hey Jonas. And then I broke down in my little note pad, Hey Jonas, and offered it up as a potential title for the podcast. But thanks for remembering that, guys. Listen to Hey Jonas on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcast. Now the fifth trait is you tend to be agreeable. And this goes with the next one, sixth trait, which is you avoid conflict or tough conversations. So listen to this. 33% of men say they often mirror the behavior of others in social situations to make them comfortable. 34% of women say the same. So you tend to be agreeable. Now what's interesting thing about this is agreeable doesn't just mean I agree, right? It's not just saying yes, it's not as simple as that. What it actually is is if everyone's gossiping in a circle, you feel it's okay to gossip even if you don't do that in order to fit in. I fell into this trap with negativity. If I was standing in a room and everyone was sharing something negative that they are experiencing or something bad, I would join in too even though that's not really where I place my energy. If everyone in a room is saying that they don't like something, you feel scared to voice your opinion. Now sometimes it's safe to not voice your opinion of course. You have to be in a safe space to truly be unagreable or disagreeable. But I find that we do it in those ways where like I said, like if someone is being negative, we be negative. If someone gossip, we gossip. If someone is being mean, we're mean, right? Like we mirror that. And that's what a third of people are saying is that we mirror other people's behavior. And what I found in this regard is we have to learn to share our opinion without being combative. We think that disagreeing has to be a debate. We think that disagreeing has to be a dispute, but it doesn't. A disagreement is different from a dispute. It's different from a debate. It's different from deconstruction of an argument, right? Like you can share how you feel without being combative. How do you do that though? So let's take that example again of me feeling like I'm going to be negative or I'm going to be gossipy. Silence. Being quiet is one of the best ways to share your opinion without being combative. You're not on your high horse. You're not guiding everyone. The preachy version never works, right? Like telling everyone, hey guys, we shouldn't be doing this. Like that doesn't go down well. And so sometimes the best way of raising your voice is being silent in the sense that you don't join in. Now if this is an issue you really care about, if this is an issue that's really important and you can see people being really vocal about something that you don't agree with, you fighting them doesn't actually change how they feel about it. You making them feel bad about what they're saying doesn't make them change how they feel about it. What makes someone change how they feel about how they feel is when something is presented in such an awful, thoughtful way that they are charmed and disarmed by it. Right? If someone is shouting at you or if someone's telling you you're wrong, that doesn't change how you feel. What changes how you feel is when someone proposes something with so much humility, when someone proposes something with so much peace and ease in their voice and their heart and their eyes. Do you think, huh? Maybe they are right. Okay, and this like I said relates to the next one which is you avoid conflicts or tough conversations. Two thirds of Americans including 70% of women and 63% of men say they often go to great lengths to avoid conflict. Now I used to hate conflict and I don't enjoy it, definitely don't enjoy it, but I used to avoid it so badly. I used to be agreeable, be nice, be kind, just avoid the fight and think that that's the right thing to do. And what I realized is you don't have to get as far as a fight. Actually, if you put off conflict and tough conversations too many times, that's what leads to a fight. Whereas if you're forward thinking, you can avoid a fight by actually having the tough conversation up front. The way that has helped me the most is practicing and rehearsing tough conversations. The biggest mistake with conflicts and tough conversations is that they are not practiced and not rehearsed and they happen spontaneously, randomly when you're not in the right mindset and not being articulate about what's going on. So if I want to have a tough conversation, I will make a list of notes to say, here is what we're struggling with. Here is the challenge and here is my solution. Notice how that is so different from this is wrong. I just don't like how you feel about this. You need to change. If I walk someone through and I say, hey, these are the things I'm struggling with. Here's how it's causing a challenge for me. Here's the solution. What's your take? It transforms and if you've practiced and rehearsed that, it changes the quality of that conversation. Now I want to share one more trait with you. You don't want people to not like you so you'll be anything or do anything. 64% of people say they often put other people's needs first at the expense of their own. Now this is the root of it. The root of all of it is we don't know who we are. We don't know who we are so we're happy to be anyone and anything that anyone wants us to be. So how do I find who I am? How do you even work on that? What does that look like? Well I want you to spend time doing an activity that I put at the beginning first chapter of my first book, Think Like a Monk. This activity asks you, what are your current values? How's the current mindset so the ways you think? Where did they come from? Did they come from a parent, your family, your school, your teacher, society or yourself? And do you still want them to be your values? If you can do that activity in the first chapter of Think Like a Monk, what are your current values? And do you still want to keep those values? It will transform how you realign with yourself. I want to thank you so much for tuning in to today's podcast. I'm so grateful to all of you who are sharing on purpose with your world. I am so thankful for all the reviews. I saw all these reviews on Spotify that I didn't even know were there. It's incredible to see just how many of you have left beautiful reviews which I'm so so grateful for. I'm so thankful for. And honestly, I'm just so grateful I got to meet so many of you this year. I love bumping into you on the streets. If you're an on purpose listener, tell me you're an on purpose listener. I want to give you a big hug. And I will see you again next week for another episode or I know a lot of you listening every day. Thank you for those of you who have made on purpose a daily companion. Very grateful. See you soon. Check this out. On an average commercial flight, the captain has the autopilot engaged about 90% of the time. And some psychologists estimate that we make about 90% of our decisions similarly on autopilot without thinking. But unlike an airline pilot, when we take our hands of the controls, we don't usually end up where we want to go. But don't worry, there's a simple way that we can stay dialed in. The next seven minutes are about intention and adding direction to the choices you make in life. I'm Jay Shetty. Welcome to the Daily J. Now before we take off, let's pause and take three deep breaths to help us get centered. Breathing in and breathing out. Inviting inward and releasing outward. Opening up and settling in. Now let me tell you a story. Before I started high school, if you'd have asked me what my worst subject was, I'd have said art, no question. But then I met Mr. Buckeridge. He was an art teacher in my school, tall and thin, and I remember how he always wore these red checkered shirts and knit ties. I also remember something Mr. Buckeridge would do that really bugged me, at least at first. He'd stroll around the room looking at our work and each time he'd stop at my desk and ask me this question. Why? Like, why had I decided to use that color combination? I don't know I'd say because it looks cool. Mr. Buckeridge would shake his head. That's not a real reason. He always pushed me to really think things through, to be clear about my choices. And honestly, that's where I first learned the power and the importance of intentionality. That lesson has helped me throughout my life and it's one that can help you too. When I left high school, I had gone from being my worst class to my best. But it wasn't because I got good at painting or drawing. I didn't. I'm still terrible at them. It's because I learned to look at the world through the lens of intention. And now today, if I'm launching a new project or even just decorating my office at every step along the way, I know my why. When we ask why, it's like turning on a light in a dark room. We're no longer just feeling our way around, hoping we'll eventually find the door. Instead, we have a vision and a direction. It also ensures that we're living with purpose, instead of being driven by unquestioned impulses or unexamined emotions, that we're not living life on autopilot or playing follow the leader. Why is an opportunity to check in with yourself to make sure that your actions align with your values and your priorities? Here's a simple yet profound exercise. Today, at each decision point you encounter, as you contemplate your choice, pause and ask yourself, why? Okay, it doesn't have to be every decision, considering how many we actually make in a day, but try to do it for a few hours. Why am I having cereal for breakfast? Why am I opting to wear this shirt? Why am I stopping to buy a coffee on my way to work? And why did I choose this coffee shop? Remember answers like, because it's cool or because I always do, will get the Mr. Buckridge buzzer. Challenge yourself to go deeper. You might be surprised at what you discover and how being more thoughtful and deliberate impacts your life. I know it may seem like a little thing, but asking yourself why gives you back the controls so you can fly with direction and intention. And with that in mind, let's practice our intentionality as we turn to our meditation. First, get comfortable wherever you are and be purposeful about what that means for you in this moment. During this practice, you shouldn't do anything just because it's what you usually do. Instead, be very deliberate. So, eyes open or closed. And consider why you're making that choice. Tune into your breath here and you can keep flowing along with your natural rhythm. Or mindfully breathe a little deeper. Feel free to hold your attention on your breath. Or consciously shift your awareness somewhere else. Like a sensation in your body or a sound in the environment. Now take a moment to think about your day so far. Why are you where you are right now? Why are you listening to the Daily J? Why are you listening at this time of day in this place? And now let's open this up. How often do you do things with clarity of purpose and intention? And how often would you say you're an autopilot? As you move through life, when and where could you ask yourself why? How could this transform your life for the better? Personally, my wife for the Daily J is very clear. I'm incredibly motivated to help others live their most mindful lives. I hope Mr. Buckridge would be proud. Thanks for being here and I'll see you tomorrow. Ready for a different take on Formula One? Look no further than no grip. A new podcast tackling the culture of motor racing's most coveted series. Join me, Lily Herman, as we dive into the under-explored pockets of F1. Including the astrology of the current grid, the story of the sports most consequential driver's strike, and plenty of other mishaps, scandals, and sagas that have made Formula One a delightful, decadent, dumpster fire for more than 75 years. Listen to no grip on the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.