#685 - Joey Diaz

You're not worried about hosting for the holidays? Oh, Wayfair's got me covered with holiday decor, extra dining chairs, and guest bedding. All with tons of five-star reviews, so there's no surprises. Unless Uncle Matt brings his dogs again. For worry-free hosting, Wayfair delivers. He's a legendary comedian, podcaster, and friend. You know him from the church of what's happening now. He's going to be popping up in Austin more, too, it looks like. I had a great time catching up with the great Joey Coco-Diaz. Good to see you. What'd you end up doing last night? Did you go to watch Burr? No, I didn't. Some guy freaking had a stroke. Over there in the audience or whatever, some guy who fucking couldn't hold it or whatever had a heart attack. And then they had to start the show an hour late, so I was going to stop over there. Because I'm staying right over by Gotham Comedy Club on 23rd, 22nd, 23rd. How long are you in town for? Till Monday. I'm going to go to the U.S. Open. Okay. I've never been before. It's a blast. You've been? No, because I don't want to sit there going like this. Yeah. But if the cops come, that's my answer, bro. But it's a great time. It's good to go. It's a great time to go up there. A lot of bitches. Really? A lot of bitches looking for fucking husbands. Because one of my friends said to me, I'm just going to go to U.S. Open. Wish me luck to find a husband. Yeah, so I'm excited about that. But dude, I was walking around here. Dude, somebody drew a Tony Hinchcliffe on a building here. Do you see that? No. Here in Asbury. Asbury's is what it's called? Yeah, Asbury Park. Asbury Park. Is that it? Look at that shit. Is that Tony Hinchcliffe? For sure. I don't think so. Oh, that's him for sure. That's got to be him. Dude, do you know Bam Bam Bigelow is from here? Bam Bam, the wrestler? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you ever meet him? No. Oh. No. Yeah, that's him right there. That guy's from here. I had no idea. Wow. And he's older than I am. That guy. He dead? He dead? Oh, he could have fucking faked it. Oh, shit. And then with Scott. That's a tough career being a wrestler, guys. Yeah. Because imagine, it's basically like being a comedian. But when you get there, you got to fight something. Like, imagine you get on stage and you got to fight somebody for a half hour. I'm not even worried about it. I'm worried about getting there. And I'm like, oh, tonight you're bombing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Tonight you're bombing and somebody's going to throw a chair on your head. Oh, OK. I feel better about myself now. That's true, dude. Fuck, bro. Yeah, a lot of my friends are at Burning Man actually this week, man. Did you ever go? Are you fucking crazy? You don't go to that deal. Don't get involved in that. That's uppity people and all that pussy skanking. You think? Four or five days without washing it, putting it in a hole, not eating right, no vitamins, out in the desert with sand crawling in your uterus. That ain't no good for your snatch, dog. Dirty, filthy white chicks. Those are filthy white chicks, bro. 20 years ago, I'd be over there eating ass and getting my dick sucked. But now I'm too old. One of those diseases catches you. You end up with Lyme disease or something going to fucking bitches up there. Oh, dude. Bro, I'll get Lyme disease in my lungs, dude. Some of the shit I'm into. Those people crazy. They're six in the morning out there. Damn. What are we? There's a war going on. You want to dance in the desert? Come on, bro. Fucking. How lost are you? Somebody will have an anthill in their ass out there, dude. It's a lot, bro. You get the dust on it. And you'll see like one of those, like a woman will have an IUD in, but it's like a dream catcher version or whatever. It's like they got some wild shit out there. They got shit to catch a boar. Yeah. And they're snatching. But boar wants to go. It fucking stops it. Oh, no, you don't ever want to go to that. Oh, bro. You're trying to maintain a. They'll have a Falcon doing tarot cards and shit. They got people on all kinds of shit out there. And they're all rich. Yeah. They're all rich. They're all trust funders. Don't believe that. Yeah, it's like going to a fancy club, but they move it out to the desert. That's what it is. That's all it is. For the regular junkie that's out there who took his bike out there, who drove, freaking rode 200 miles from Laughlin to get over there or something. That motherfucker is going to have a tough time, I think. You know? They'll have a Caterpillar out there, like, you know, like doing a Ouija board and shit. They got all kinds of. Are we taping? Huh? Are we taping? Yeah. Can we? I didn't know. I thought you were going to welcome me and shit. Oh, shit. I didn't know for sure. No, I'll bring it in, dude. I just didn't know. But yeah, dude, it's fucking, it's a lot out there, man. It's a lot. Yeah, dude, I had one chance to go, but it was like my neighbor went and he was like, they had Diddy was out there. And I think. Um, who else was out there? Like, it was like Fat Joe, maybe, I think they said. Just people out there in the desert. Michael Strahan. Yeah, but they ain't in the desert. They got fucking a van that picks them up and they get cooled off and shit. That's a big difference. Yeah. Yeah, they got an Inuit out there blowing cool, cool air on their back and shit. Yeah, they got, they hooked up. Hooked up like a motherfucker. It's different, man. It's not for me, though. I don't want to be out there with sand and no showers. Yeah. I'm anti anything where I can't wash my ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You understand me? Like, for years, I wouldn't go camping because, listen, when I wake up in the morning, I got odors, you know, and I don't want them lasting all day. Yeah. You wake up with a stinky ass, so when you put shorts on and go back out, it just compounds. Yeah. It just compounds. So I've never been into places without showers. Yeah. I got to take it. And then I met a girl and we used to go camping, but she would take me to those, you know, little places where it's a cheat camp. If you don't want to take a shower, you can bathe in the lake, but they got two showers over there. Oh, right. So I'm like, I'm in. Yeah. I don't mind cooking outside. I don't mind fucking her outside. I didn't mind any of that. I just need a shower. Yeah. Brush my teeth, you know. I don't like it if somebody sneaks off. They're like, I'm going to go for a little walk or something, but you know that they're going to shit somewhere or something. Like, you can't really hide, like, you know, somebody's like, I'm going to go over here and look at something, but you know that they're shitting or whatever. Listen, I know once a year I'm going to shit somewhere. Yeah. Once a year, every year I have to shit once outside. Yeah. You're not going to make it as a human being. Maybe you do, but there's nights where, you know, I want to shit on the toilet. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I don't mind pulling it off one night. We've got to shit in a hurry. Yeah. But again, I'm a toilet type of dude. I'm a little spoiled. Yeah. I grew up poor, but I'm a little spoiled. Yeah. I'm a little spoiled, bro. That's where I am. Dude, we're in your home area, bro. Asbury Park. Yes, we are, brother. Bro, it's awesome. Yeah. I grew up two hours from here. Oh, you did? Yeah. But I would come down to the concerts. They have a great, they used to have, or maybe they still do, the Asbury Park Convention Center. And we were kids, the same people who played the Garden, played that, Leonard Skinner. It's on YouTube. Leonard Skinner tore up this motherfucking 77. You know, I came down here to see it in 1981. I came down here to see Iron Maiden opening up for Judas Priest. Wow. I came to another concert down here, and I think I came down here to a basketball camp. So I didn't really, I wasn't in this area growing up. I'm more North Jersey and shit. Yeah, look at them. They fucking ripped it apart in this bitch. Wow. That's amazing. Was that the first concert you ever went to? No. No, I had gone to concerts for like four years prior to that. I was maybe 17 when they threw the bottle at us, and I was like, all right. Yeah. I'm good. When they threw the bottle at you? Oh. Yeah, we got out of the car. We weren't even out of the car, I'm telling you. And we fucking got hit with a bottle. Some guy just threw a fucking beer bottle at us. We got out. We turned. We turned around. It was 10 brothers with no shirts on. I told you earlier, and I'm like, fuck Judas Priest. We'll park on the other side. Yeah. Guess who else was at that concert? Jimmy Florentine. Not knowing. I heard him on his radio show when you're talking about that show, because those motherfuckers used to throw smoke bombs at concerts. And I heard him talking about it. I'm like, I still remember that, being a kid and having to cover your eyes because of the smoke bombs. He was the motherfucker doing the smoke bomb. And they threw him up, and his mother had to pick him up. He tells the whole fucking story, so. He's a legend, dude. Oh, that's great, bro. I used to have such a good time with him on OP and Jim back in the day, man. Jim Florentine, he's a bastard. He's a good guy. He's my neighbor. Is he? Two doors down. How do you think I ended up here? I called him, and his sister-in-law sold me out. Oh, nice. He's got a great family. Does he? I call them the Florentine crime family. Yeah. They don't stop. They don't. They do a party every 10 days, something. The family's so big, they take concerts. They go to Miami Dolphin games. They'll take 40 people, the family. Wow. They'll spend the whole weekend down there. Yeah. It's not bad. It ain't for me, because I work weekends. I got my daughter, but that's a great-- my daughter plays softball on the weekends, so. Yeah, that's a great life over there. Yeah, dude, I love Jersey, man. Jersey has some of the most entertaining women I've ever been around in my life, man. Yeah, they'll fucking talk your ear off and shit. Oh, yeah, they get-- dude, yeah. And you got to put them on a phone book. And they're interesting. They're interesting to an extent. But I like-- I was always-- I always wanted to raise my daughter here. There was something about North Jersey that I-- I learned a lot of lessons up there. Yeah. And I wanted her to at least-- those lessons are all done today. But I wanted her at least to feel what I felt, in a way, to a degree. She'll never, you know, feel the shittiness I felt. But-- Yeah. That was part of-- when I left LA, it was-- I knew I was leaving LA. That's what people never understood. I was planning it. Yeah. Before the pandemic, we were coming down here April 4th to buy a house. I was coming in March, and then we were coming back together as a family in April. We were going to buy the house, finish up the school year, and then move here that August. The pandemic just rushed it up and lit a fire under my, you know, it broke my heart to fucking leave, but it was time. I had already, you know, I felt that I had gotten the most I did out of L.A. Yeah. I'm 57. What else could possibly happen? You know, more happened than I anticipated, so I'm just going to take my winnings and leave. Yeah. Why bank it and start getting cocky? Let's shoot a pilot. Let's drop 400. Get the fuck out of here. So that was my decision in moving here. Yeah. I think it's a beautiful place out here, man. I love even just driving over to here, bro. It's nice. Like, we went through, like, countryside and stuff. Oh, yeah. Like, there's a river right out of here. Yeah. Oh, there's rivers everywhere. Listen, I live in central Jersey, which this is considered that on the borderline. Mm-hmm. So I got foxes in my backyard. I got raccoons. I got fucking deer. I got, you know, and it's, this is why I like it. At this age for me, no. But if I would have came here when I was 42, for example, you buy a house in central Jersey and you just go, you know what? I'm going into the city on Tuesday. I'm going to do four spots because anything after four spots, it's a law diminishing returns. I agree. Two, three, four spots and get out of here early. And I'll tell you what, how I got introduced to this area down here was one of my brothers lives in Morganville, which is 10 minutes from where I live now. Really? One of the gangsters I grew up with, like his family took me in and shit. He lived here and I would come and stay with him. So part of the deal was I helped him with his fish company and he'd pay me. I would help him. And it was unreal how we would get in the car at four in the morning, shoot into Manhattan. I'm a comic. I'm a feature slash. Headliner. Yeah. But when I come to Jersey, I would stay with him. I would do like three or four weeks instead of having to go back and forth. I would do like three or four weeks rascals in those days, bananas, maybe something else. And I would deliver fish with him in the mornings, help him pick up the fish at the Fulton fish market. That was a fucking adventure. Really? Yeah. Cause I would go to get fish. I come back home with an eight ball. It was great. Four in the morning. I'm walking around with an eight ball. I got a discount price for 180 at the Fulton fish market. You got to fucking add everything there. You got a long trout in your nose. You know what I mean? You know how many times I pulled out a Fulton fish market and there were hookers there? Wow. It's four in the morning. You only get fish five in the morning. That's, that's when the party starts. They're over there. They're looking for guys that have a lot of protein in them. So they like those fucking fish dudes. There were hookers there. We deliver five, six deliveries. We'd be done by 10, 30, 11. And by 12 o'clock after a 44, 45 minute drive, I just went from people cutting each other off, bike guys flying through the air, double parking. Hey, fuck. You to the serene lifestyle. Yeah. And let me tell you how, let me tell you how cool it was to the setup. He had, you walk through his backyard with your fish clothes on and you just rip yourself naked and you jumped in the shower, washed the fish off and we go right in the pool. So I go talk to his mother while he was doing his ritual. And then I do the same ritual, jump in the pool. Then his father would clean off the fish and start grilling fish in the afternoon by three o'clock. I'd be in fucking heaven, getting his vitamin D. Fish. I got an eight ball. I picked up a four in the morning. So I enjoyed, I liked that one minute I was in the city. The next minute I was in, that's like if you live in LA and Hollywood, but you live in Calabasas, it's a hike of a ride. You're not going to do it every day, but when you do it, you strike. But that's when you see the beauty. Yeah. You go from being at the store chaos. Who, who stole a joke? Who did this? Yeah. It was a or whatever. Yeah. And all of a sudden you're at the fucking, you're in your home and you know, there's no red light. People ain't cutting you off. There's no homeless people. So it really, and that's what I saw in my life when I moved to Jersey, but I could still do the city. But an hour later, all that shit's out of my system. Amen. I'm home with my family, my daughter. I'm a different person. Yeah. You can kick your feet up on the Ottoman and it feels like you're actually at peace. Oh, I got my chair. As soon as I moved there, I got one of those Archie bunker chairs where you lay back. Oh, fuck yeah. Watch. And I live my, I put my little blankie on it. My legs get cold at night. I got my little remote control. I got a little refrigerator right here in the family room. I put my little balloons in there and a couple of snapples and some water. I got my peptides in there in case I just want to get up and shoot one while I'm sitting there. Yeah. Dude, I watched John wick and fucking blast myself right in the neck with one. Oh yeah. They even have a John wick peptide. They do just start shooting people. You just get a gun and stuff. What's going on in your world these days, brother? What's going on? Yeah. For one, I mean, I just, I do want to say this. I love, one thing I love about Jersey and Philadelphia, some of the funniest women, best senses of humor, bro. I mean, and it's, I mean, Jersey, some of these little broads, I agree. They definitely, you got some violent little princesses around here. You know, you got to fucking. There's some dangerous women. There's a couple of women that are not hot, that they're dangerous. Those Italian chicks. Oh, they got sharp. They got sharp tits too. A lot of, some of the little ones. Yeah, me, I just sit there. I just sit there and watch and giggle. Like, look at how these motherfuckers are just racking up victims. People are buying them cocktails. And these bitches are going home solo. Yeah. Yeah, dude. A lot of bitches just collecting Miatas at their house, bro. I love Philadelphia. And I'm going to tell you why. Because they didn't get the memo yet. And even if you send it to Philadelphia, they're not going to honor it. Yeah. To really want, some people like comedy, stand-up comedy. They think that's great to laugh. And it is. I love watching stand-up comedy. But then again, I like comedy that just happens. And if the only place in the world where I could count on that happening is Philadelphia. 10 for 10. They just don't get the memo. Yeah. And you're like, Joey, well, give me an example. When we moved here, I looked at tickets for the Yankees, the Mets. But I wanted to see somebody was playing. San Francisco was playing in Philadelphia. So I asked my wife, take a look at the tickets. She goes, they're OK. Let's go. So a bunch of us went. Florentine, his kid, the neighbor, me, my wife. My wife, my daughter. My wife, my daughter was eight. And in LA, we hung around people I didn't really curse. You know, once I moved to Jersey, I was like, we might as well start cursing. Because even the moms are fucking saying, fuck you, and all this shit. And my daughter would just sit there lost. I'm like, go ahead. You can't curse, though. My daughter won't curse. She's not allowed to curse until she goes to college. So fuck it. That's my rule. Because if not, they won't take her into college if you curse. Yeah. And then it gives her a reason to want to go to college, too. Yeah. No, I agree. Because a lot of kids, you let them curse early. Yeah. They're not even going to go to school. No. No, this one has to go to school. Yeah, because a lot of kids ought to apply to college just to say, motherfucker, when I got over there. It's kind of like, that's sort of the best way to do it, dude. But yeah, they got some short ladies around. They got some, well, what's the tallest woman in New Jersey? Bring that up, dude, if you can. They got some violent little princesses, dude. I mean, some. You go to my boxing gym, there's a couple chicks in there that'll knock you the fuck out. Oh, yeah. I know for a fact. Oh, there you go. Tallest woman in Jersey, 5'8". So, damn. And that's not even. Oh, you know. But it is for here. Bro, because the guy don't want to. They're so potent, they can't make more of it. You know? It's like, it's like if you get like a, you know what I'm saying? It's like, they're a high milligram edible. Them little bitches. Boy, that's for sure, dude. But some of the most entertaining women ever, bro. They'll fucking. I wanted you to. I really hoped you would have came down last night. I would have canceled my gig and take you to dinner at a fucking really great place, man. Like Central Jersey. Listen. New York City is New York City. Northern New Jersey is Northern New Jersey. But I got some spots in Central Jersey that'll take your fucking lights out. Like you're eating fucking. This is good shit. I understand everything to the last detail. So, I'm taking my daughter to Philly. And she's eight. To the ball game? Yeah. To this Philly's game. The baseball. I pull her aside and I go, mercy, listen. When you get to Philadelphia, you're going to see things and hear things you've never heard before. Yeah. I'm just preparing you. Okay? And she's here. She's been listening to me talk for years. So, we pull up at the game. We park. We're walking through the front door. And I'm not even at the front door. My daughter hits my leg. And she's like, what? She goes, look. Right on the wall, there was a picture of a big dick. I mean, it had to be 15 feet long. You know, walking to the sixth, whatever. But there's a dick somebody spray painted. Right. Now you know what I'm saying. Yeah. And once you walk in there, it's a complete different place, too. They say shit. They just say shit. Yeah. They're the most insane. I mean, they're the most next level. They say. I went to a sixer game with her. And there was two guys making out. Mm-hmm. And I'm like, that's not going to last long. Yeah. Not in Philadelphia. Yeah. And sure enough, they were gone. Mm-hmm. Somebody came and tapped them in the shoulder. And we're like, too many kids around, though. Yeah. Hang on. But I have my rights. Listen. We have our rights, too. We'll fucking put you in a dungeon. We'll put you in a fucking dungeon. How's that? And a lot of gay dudes, they dress like they want to be in a dungeon sometimes, too. So, that's kind of the trick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I don't have nothing against the gay dudes. Oh, for sure. There's just some places that fucking don't fuck around still. Right. Some places. They didn't get the memo. Yeah. Some places, they make their own rules. And you show up, and you got to kind of rock with them. Dude, we would go. I'm trying to think of where we went that was very. Yeah. Philly's one of a kind, though. Do you see a fucking bird out there selling dope up near Temple or something? You see a black dude, like, dress up like an Uber and give another black dude a piggyback ride. It's crazy. Fucking 150 feet. It's crazy. For a couple grams. You know, we would see all. I mean, yeah, some of the shit we would see, bro. - And audiences are very real in Philadelphia. Like, I've never, I remember doing a casino one night, and I had such a good time, I just jumped. Chubby Joey just jumped into the audience, and they caught me. I was like, this is spectacular. How were the people that caught you? I wonder how they did when you checked on them. I think I fucked up one guy's shoulder. He just didn't have it no more. Yeah, dude. But it's just, it's a fun place to do comedy. I think it's a fun city, because when I go down there, I like watch them, like, you know, where the chick sold the first flag, Betsy Klein, what's her name? Yeah, Betty Wilson or whatever. You go to Betsy Ross's house. Betsy Ross. You go there, you go to, they have a lot of neat stuff that'll bring you back. Yeah. I get like, holy fuck. Oh, the museum's there, bro. Yeah, bro. Bro. It's next level. Stop it. Stop it there. That's where it all went down. Yeah. People forget about that. People think it's- That's what's interesting to me. Like, when I go to a town, I don't want to go to a club. I don't want to do nothing. I want to see this shit, especially these East Coast, North Carolina. Yeah. All those places, they have some great stuff at those states, man, when you travel. It's not even about the restaurants to me anymore. Yeah. But a fucking good museum? Look at this shit. Yeah. And look at that lady dressed up like Betsy Ross, probably. Yeah. You could dress up like Betsy Ross, and they do that every day. You go there, and they school you, and then, bro, but it's nonstop. Yeah. The history of fucking Philadelphia alone. You know, where you went and got off the car that night and took the picture with the boxer from North Bergen. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah. On that road. James J. Braddock. James J. Braddock. I'll take you to a place where George Washington's fucking whatever's there, not the bowling ball, a cannonball. That's what George, it's a little ledge in Fort Lee. You walk down, you have to walk in the park. Yeah. Under the George Washington Bridge. Wow. If you ever get a chance to do that, you know, I used to walk that bridge to cop. I could walk to George Washington. I would walk it twice a day sometimes. Wow. You could just zip in, because if you take a car, they watch to see what car's going in and out. Oh, yeah, but walking. So they'll pull you over, and they'll fucking take your car. Your car gets confiscated. So in those days, they used to say, why are we going through all this shit? It's a mile walk. Yeah. It's a mile walk. And I mean, you would loop out, get off the plane, get off the fucking bridge, cop, and get right on the, I'm going. And nobody would fuck. And meanwhile, when you land in Jersey, you see a line of cars with their hoods open. Yeah. Getting fucked and searched and shit. So I would just walk over. But the things I would just see in there, it wasn't about, I mean, it was about the addiction, but it wasn't about, like, I would get surprised. Even when you land on the other side of New York, if you go underneath. Yeah. Like that area there, when I was growing up, that's where you dropped your car off if you didn't want to pay for it no more. Really? Just left it there? Just leave it there for the $20 bill in the front seat and put the keys in ignition. Yeah. You'll never see that car again. Oh. Okay, that's one area in New York. Right under the George Washington Bridge on the New York side. Just drop your car off down there, come back the next day, it's gone. Oh, you see a family of brothers driving it a month later, probably. They probably take it, burn it, get money for the parts, whatever. But it was well known, just drop your car off. Oh. Yeah, dude, I love, like, just places from growing up, places from the past. There definitely was a lot of stuff about Jersey. Like, did y'all ever go on any, like, family trips and stuff around here? Yeah, yeah. This is where my mom liked this shit, too. She did? My mom. Oh, like history and stuff? Yeah, she loved American history. She loved the American culture, you know? Yeah. When we came here, that's what really, like, blew my mind. My mom wouldn't go to a baseball game because she couldn't stand for the National Anthem. And don't they get me started on my uncle. He has to watch the game from beginning to end. Seventh inning, he gets up and does. They love all that shit. The tradition of it. Because they were anti-revolutionaries. Castro took all their shit. So when the United States took them in, they always felt like they were endeared to the United States. And that was a good way. You know, I learned a lot from that. I didn't think they were into that shit. But my mom was pro-America, pro-everything, A to fucking Z. Wow. You know, like I said, I didn't know my mom had it in her. But she wanted me to be a Marine. She did? She wanted to walk me in there. The plan was a Marine for four years, get out, law school, and then go back as an officer or some shit. Wow. An officer and a gentleman she wanted. I don't know about no fucking gentleman, but the officer would have been there. And I think about that shit. But look, you met a lot of officers, bro. Yeah. And I'd say you're a gentleman, bro. Fuck yeah. I've always been a fucking gentleman. Who the fuck they think they're dealing with? Joy Bananas? But what ended that kind of like, what ended the Marine thing, you think? Her dying. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Once she died, I was like, whoo, there goes the rock. And I still consider it. And when I got in trouble. Like in honor of her, did you consider it? Or you just considered it? Oh, yeah, I considered it in honor of her. And I even went up there and talked to the recruiter, but I got coked up the next night, and I missed the blood test. Oh. So I was always embarrassed, and I thought I'd faint at the blood test. When he said blood test, I threw a fucking wrench in it in those days. Yeah. Yeah. If I knew now what I knew then, I would have signed up in the service. Yeah? And I still believe it. Yeah. I think so, too, when I look back, because I wasted some years. Wasted some years. Listen, I've been in Jersey officially six years. That's a law degree. Yeah. That's how you have to look at things sometimes. That's why when you're in high school, when I come to you and go, all right, Theo, you want to join the Marines? I'm going to sign you up for 20 years. You're like, 20 years? But guess what? You get out when you're 38 now, and you have a second life with a pension, somebody financing that. Yeah. And medical benefits and all this shit that comes with it. And you can be a badass, too. And now you're a badass. Yeah. You're 38 years old. You just lived a complete different life, and you didn't even have to pull the trigger. Yeah. There was no war for you to get deployed to. Maybe they sent you for operations to Chicago, like my nephew, to learn about operations and fucking intelligence and shit like that. But think about it. How much time we blow as Americans. Then you're like, bro, that really happened eight years ago, Theo? And you're like, yeah, that happened eight years. And you're like, I could have done so much with my life in eight years. But that's the path we chose. And I'm happy I chose it now. Yeah. I think about that, too, man. It's hard. Sometimes I chose, I think, like, just be a social kind of screwing around. I love to be around people. So it's like, sometimes I think, like, that was always like, well, I just don't want to commit to something. You know, I just want to be able to be free. But I think, yeah, I would have loved to have had that, like, what's it called when you stick to something and you organization built into me, you know? If somebody would have, led me there, you know? As you guys know, MoonPay is my go-to place to buy crypto. And they've just launched something new. It's called MoonPay Agents. It's tech that lets AI actually handle your crypto for you. Think of it like a smart assistant that can buy, sell, trade, swap coins, set up recurring buys, and even convert crypto back into cash all on your behalf. 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I found it holy shit you bad motherfucker you thank you look at you bro i even got medals there hell yeah dude that's beautiful yeah look at you there you go dude wow what was something else that she liked to do gamble she did what kind of gambling though heavy like you talking dominoes and stuff or no baseball really a lot of baseball she bet on games fuck yeah and go to them wow and then they got once she sold her business it got worse because now she was bored so now she started picking horses and that's not a good thing to do on this side of the country because you have a a noon race and about uh you know like somewhere in monmouth or you have like so there's all these tracks that one ends and one picks up so you might come here in the daytime down the shore to see afternoon which is great going to the track in the afternoon you put like 50 bucks in your pocket get a clam around the sun watching degenerates laughing your asses off yeah but my mom would go from that and then she'd go home cook dinner and then go to the meadowlands at eight and catch them at the meadowlands if the meadowlands wasn't good for her she'd get into another car and go to fucking yonkers now we were talking about addictions and what addictions make you do yeah what would possess you to get in a fucking cab at 11 o'clock at night to make it to yonkers for the night racing till two in the morning you don't get out of there it's like two in the fucking morning was it dogs or just horses it was horses dogs pigeons whatever the fuck they did so here she is bought the debt going to games gambling at that point she invested in a jewelry company but she was buying the jewelry herself for her she going there every day oh i think i need this ring so what did we accomplish here yeah it was what she was going through with the divorce you know separating from my stepdad and all that and then her health wasn't good she kept drinking and she came home one night and punched a ticket damn and everything changes you know at one point you're like fuck everything changed in my life deal and then i didn't want to live for a long time but i wasn't going to kill myself do you know i'm saying like i wasn't gonna i didn't want to live but i'm not gonna cop out and jump off a bridge i'll just do something fucked up and hopefully it'll shoot me yeah and thank god that never happened what do you think that is that part of us it's like because i have i have i have had that man where it's like i don't want to live but i'm not going to kill myself you know i don't want to live but i ain't gonna kill myself i can't do that there must be something inside of me that does want to live then yeah no that's it it's just maybe it's an excuse but i know that there's tons of people that walk around and be like i don't want to live but i don't want to jump off a bridge and embarrass my family or this or that or you know one foot in front of the other yeah that's what you got just got to keep proving yourself even when your brain is like saying whatever i think that's what if you just can keep moving your feet you know just keep trying you know and that's step is the easiest thing sometimes it's the smallest thing you can do you know did you feel like your mom like deserted you kind of or no did you ever think like was that feelings or she just had had enough no she had just she died of a broken heart it's what the chinese call a broken heart disguised as a disguised as a heart attack and it was sad because sometimes i think that what her last feelings were as she was getting the heart attack and she was yelling for me but because she had a fucked up habit of waking me up at three in the morning cooking on that particular night i'm like i don't want to go downstairs and eat i don't want to go downstairs and hear this shit and then like 40 minutes later i woke up and i saw that she hadn't come up and i go let me go downstairs and see and she was on the floor dead as disco you know and it's uh it's a fucking realization you know i was just talking to a friend of mine and i kind of got upset and i told him i go my mother's been gone for 47 years and there's not a day that i don't at one point you're like fuck and he's got something going on with his mom and i said so if i was you i'd go take care of that because she's at an age where she could tip tomorrow and now you have to live with that pain and i go let me just give you an example i died on good terms with my mom and i still have like this pain that just you know and then i learned things about myself i learned that when i was and i remember i'm not gonna lie to anybody until part of the healing process for me beside the acid and the fucking you know i was a sophomore in high school so i couldn't stop living my life right and at that time and you're also really coming into your own life and you're kind of obsessed with your own world as at that age as a teenager that's when my dad died i had an option to move to california with my uncle i had an option to move with my godmother in harlem but i was already set in north bergen i had already put this work in north bergen just to be somebody yeah just to try to be cool at parties and you know be funny or whatever the fuck i was thinking about it and i was like what the fuck are you thinking but this is something i realized when i moved back here part of my healing process from my mother at that time because i'd be out with you till four in the morning like a year after she died yeah i'd be out with you whatever and also on the way home i'd go drop me off over here and then you said to me like don't you live around the corner yeah but i'm gonna walk a little bit you go all right man you good yeah what i was doing is sneaking to my mother's house i would just go to where we grew up and sit in the steps nobody was in the house yet wow just to see if maybe they made a mistake just just just maybe maybe she took the wrong bus home that night maybe she went to the wrong house you lie to yourself i was a 17 year old kid yeah so was whatever was maintaining me but i remember thinking to myself one day you know what man she went to cuba and she's gonna come back yeah and this is all gonna get straightened out i'm gonna live my life till i get the call that's the biggest lie i ever told myself wow and do you know when i moved back here six years ago the first year i was struggling and it was because of that because she lied to me i thought she was gonna make a comeback like john lennon but she never fucking did yeah so it fucked me i'm i'm gonna you know i'm a man enough to say because she had said that she had said she was gonna move to cuba and come back no she was dead oh in my mind i made up this lie oh that you kind of as a coping mechanism that part of you still believe yeah you know what bro she went to cuba for the weekend and i'll get a message from her eventually maybe they arrest her in cuba so now when you came back that thing never came to fruition like when i came back after two or three months i'm sitting on my balcony one day and i'm like she never fucking came back and honestly as grown of a man as i am and it's settled it bothered me like she didn't come back but then at the meantime it's like joey nobody dies and comes back yeah they might leave your note you know like a little flower might fly out of the sky one day or something but i had to deal with that but it was from the lesson that i learned when she died that i used that as a coping mechanism telling myself that maybe she just right i remember one night i got so fucked up i went to the grave and started digging it up in my hands bro wow like two months after she died i went to the grave one night in a fucking coked up state and god knows what i was on and i just found sticks and shit and i you know after an hour and a half i only dug an inch yeah i just wanted to make sure she was dead i didn't maybe i wasn't seeing things right maybe the acid lasted a little too long it was just it was that unbelievable to me that she had died but here we are 47 years later slinging dick and at the end i became what she wanted the most she wanted me to be a man and in her world a man wasn't a guy who slings dick and a man is somebody who provides who is responsible because one of the last fights we got over like 10 days before she died i was like i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i had a curfew i i never had a curfew growing up my curfew was if you're not home by 11 call me and let me know what time you're gonna come home that's fair and if you don't get to that point if you tell me 11 40 at 11 39 i better hear from you again telling me again what time you're gonna come in right i don't want to know what you're doing that was the deal we had at home i never could figure that out i thought it was a control mechanism right and the last time i did that i came home and then she smacked me and i was like i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i was 15 years old she just took a fucking and smacked me in the face and then i just walked in my room and then the next morning when i woke up she was there and she goes i smacked you in the face because someday you're gonna have a wife and you have to be responsible to your wife she has to know where you're at all the time and i thought about i'm not gonna get married you know you're 15 i'm gonna be a playboy yeah but now i understand i understand those things so that's to really see if i was a man all right i'm out there with my friends giggling and you know now let's see moving back into a neighborhood and a community and being part of that community and having a being a having a child in that community and that's how i judge that stuff you know no drama no arrest no duis no nothing just living my life and trying to be a little better every day just a little bit just a little bit not much is there is there ever like moments where dude where you like where you have like a moment with your daughter and it almost feels like you're giving that moment to your mother does that make any sense in a weird way you know what i'm saying like is there ever so fucking lulu and i'll tell you you can throw a brother thank you very much for being a gentleman a scholar you know i'm talking about like you kissed her on the head and it's almost like you kissing your mother on the head like is there because no no no i'm i i took that question the wrong way i'm sorry it's like well there's more when i was born i also had a sister when we came from cuba my sister wanted to stay to finish out the school year she never got here so part of my mother's pain and sadness that underline what's deep in your veins and she wouldn't realize it till what time two in the morning wow once you get home and the party's over and the cocktails start all son those old feelings come back and she would get sad she missed her daughter she missed her daughter she raised a child without a daughter without a family and we she did everything she congressman she donated bribed and then i come anyway not to even go there right now and confuse the audience so that was always her underlying whatever so she always wanted a child and here i pop up with a daughter now my my daughter has the same kind of body as her sassy cuban attitude yeah so i see a lot of that in my daughter when i kiss her i'm kissing my daughter my mother she's dead you know what i'm saying like i'm sorry my mother yeah i just meant like is there some psychology there you know absolutely i think somewhere along that when i hug her it's from my mother listen that's her i'm responsible to this little kid like you know i i i go to austin and i just come back not because i want to come back but because she has softball games i want to be a part of her life yeah so i try to be involved with her as much as i can i drive her to practices i take her to kind of stand-up shows with me yeah because i want her to hear what men talk about in the green room when i go in there i sit it down i go deal with it right and they're talking about eating ass and shooting heroin whatever the they're not but i always wanted to feel comfortable around men so i've been dragging her to green rooms since she's 12 maybe 11. just i took her down to rogan popped her in the green room wow let her smell that marijuana smoke you know let her see what really goes on in life so when she does get 18 and get gets let out into the world she's not in shock yeah i wanted to see what men think about what men talk about what is important to men when you're sitting there what's going on what's going on yeah because i always wanted to feel comfortable around men and i wanted to feel like she's got the situation under control so every move i make is around that psychology i'm raising on a different tip jack yeah everybody wants a smart kid i want a smart kid but i want that kid to be street smart and that's what these children are missing today there's adults walking around that they wouldn't know what to do unless somebody told them their wives or whatever so yeah there's running around they couldn't buy an eight ball if you gave them four days yeah and gave him the money and a straw yeah yeah dude losing a parent man like i remember my dad like my dad was older so i was embarrassed of him and that's the thing like if i have like a regret when it comes to it it was like i was embarrassed to how old he was but it's like so it kind of kept me away from him but also i was at that age where like uh you're just kind of coming into your own and your parents you're not even really super connected to your parents at like 14 15 60. you're doing your own you think you know you're just kind of like you know your nuts are just starting to look around you know peek over your dick and look around you know it's like things are you know things are starting to get different you know maybe somebody's flirting with you maybe you sneak in some chick in your room at night or whatever it's little things you become you're growing up but yeah dude i was embarrassed of him and sometimes but that dude my dad bro he like i think i told you he had bought like a uh a delta 88 an old cutlass kind of car off of some brothers right and he couldn't hear and so he had speakers in the trunk so he had 22s in the trunk right he's driving this car and it would play like um paul harvey rush limbaugh you know just with bass dude he'd be like paul harvey good day you know and this thing was just just rattling he bought this car for like 800 bucks for a couple brothers around the corner so he would drive us around in that thing and the doors wouldn't open dude two of the passenger side doors we'd always have to jump in the window everything in there was just a bunch of he like he like would he delivered candies for a little while and was putting candies in vending machines and so we'd always have like like nine boxes of melted chocolate in the back of his car bro so we'd have to sit in there do you get out do you a half black you were mulatto by the time you got out of that fucker and they'd have like dogs come licking your arms because she's covered in fucking chocolate and you'd have to go to school dude so i was already embarrassed because we were poor and then i had to fucking walk out of here with fucking half a kit kat hanging off my neck you know and this is in the fucking teachers looking at me like she doesn't even know where to start and then sometimes he would come to pick us up from school and he would fall asleep in the fucking carpool line so now it was embarrassing because the teacher's like blowing the whistle and he's fucking you know when there's fucking reecey cups fucking falling out of them it's just like this like dear god i just felt everything about it gave me like so much shame because i think there wasn't a conversation like hey we're gonna have some pride in this shit this is who we are you know but uh anyway i don't know why i told that story bro that but that makes your life but it's so crazy how as kids we don't see that yeah listen my mom would go to met games and she'd act like a complete fact my mom spent so much money at the met games they wouldn't throw her out but something happened with rusty stob so she would sit in left field and throw chicken wings when he came back because he didn't make a catch one year and she lost eight hundred dollars yeah so she had it out for rusty stop and she would throw chicken bones at him they had to move her to the other side of the stadium they didn't throw her out yeah because she'd go that bribe you know we go there to games but we go to games she had a guy that she'd give like 20 bucks to and the guy would bring you to like the first row and he'd look at the people's tickets and go you're sitting in the wrong place people with real tickets he would throw them out and put them somewhere else and give my mom the tickets this was insane you know this was insane and i would be so embarrassed and then she stole a church from the belt my third he sold a bell from church yeah stole a chair and she'd taken the mech games and ring them for good luck and then when the mets lost the playoffs to cincinnati reds gave me the bell and she goes get that voodoo out of my house it made me lose like oh they've been winning all season you were having a good time with the bell now i got caught bringing the bell back to my own she stole the bell from my school not from some store she went to a church on a sunday to meet for me to do whatever the singing the school band and she saw a little bell and took it in her purse and now a year later she's giving it back to me to bring it back because it's voodoo i'm like you're and this is the house i lived in so we're just about these things but once like that sounds intense when you go out to the car and your dad's asleep oh that's and that's when you just turn around and make believe he's not your dad yeah son get in here son you know i remember one time i was swimming at a pool my mom told me when you leave today make sure you make your bed people are coming on i'm like mom i'm not making my bed and i'll never forget the conversation i said listen why am i going to make my bed i'm going to go back to sleep and she looked me right in the face he goes why do you wipe your ass you're not going to let me go i'm not going to let you go so i left and went to this pool party with some girls i'm playing like a pip i got my gold chain on and and also i hear orson antonio and that's my real name jose antonio oh orson antonio she actually came to the fence and was yelling and people like who is that lady i'm not like i don't know down 9-1-1 get her out of here my mom heard that shot 9-1-1 here i'm gonna kill you then i saw her trying to climb the fence she threw the stick over and was trying to climb the fence and and i just took off and she chased me for like 20 minutes hit me with the stick and then when i put my hands up the block she lost her mind and she went and got a bounce a bounty roll and lit it on fire to burn my hands because you're not supposed to lift your hands to your moms that's the world i came from wow i came from a heavy duty world i had something on sunday people came over and all these people are talking about and i looked at them like i don't know what the who is you yeah but in the my house you couldn't a kid couldn't talk at the to the table yeah they look at you like you were val kilmer and eat remember when val kilmer didn't say nothing yeah that's how they look to you like why are you speaking yeah and in my house i got these people talking about i still remember going to a friend of mine's house and i couldn't believe how loose white people were at the table when he was irish but at one of those conversations or not he told his dad he's like you know what dad i don't even believe in god i think you're all crazy and i don't even believe in god you're all crazy and i don't even believe in god i think you're all crazy and i don't even believe in god you're all crazy and i don't even believe in god you're dude my mom always had like this air of like this odd superiority of like we would fought like she would like we would go to the mcdonald's you know once we get the chores done on saturday the big thing was we would get to go to mcdonald's right so she would make us listen to brian adams and leonard cohen and and like we didn't even know what this was and we're sitting there like have i told you lately that i love you i'm out there that's nose deep in a toilet bowl cleaning this cleaning whites i was four years old doing whites and colors bro and you know because those are the two that i knew just from that neighborhood we lived in but those are you know those are the loads i was responsible for dude then she would take us to mcdonald's bro but we kind of had this like pattern where we got to order and then she would like kind of shush us a little bit and she would order a mcfish but like it was like a like it was on like a special menu like it was like like an entree or something that they had there you know she kind of like she always had this weird superiority she's like all right now quiet down and she's like and i'll have a mcfish you know like it was a fucking like like these motherfuckers don't care it's the same shit it's just chicken that they fucking squirted some fish flavor on it's fucking but she always had like i don't know my mother always had this weird you're still tight with mom right yeah it's gotten better over the years you know and like you're saying it's like these days i'm just i pray my my gratitude is i'm just grateful my mother made me right it's like i don't know what was going on in her life but somehow whatever it was she found enough energy or love or whatever happened to at least make me you know like and i got here and the rest of it it's like yeah it wasn't up to me early but it's up to me now you know and so i can try my best it's not always great but um yeah i got over something like the old like i'm gonna like hold stuff against you life was fucking tough my mother when she was growing up like you know i'm just grateful my mother made me right it's like i don't know what was going on but somehow whatever it was she found enough energy or love or whatever happened to at least make me her dad was kind of crazy her father was crazy he would for months at a time he would he wouldn't even use the front door it was her and my grandmother they would do they were cleaning my grandmother was a cleaning lady so they would go clean houses my mom would go with her sometimes but my grandfather would stay in his own room and then he would go in and out through the window he wouldn't use the front door he made him slide his food under the door over there so something was obviously wrong with them so i imagine like a little girl thinking like man my dad doesn't know what's going on in his life so i imagine like a little girl thinking like man my dad doesn't know who knows who knows what happened but yeah when you hear about people's lives and shit it's like fuck people are trying their best you know and we had some good times my mom would date some strange guys sometimes or people were trying to come over and smash or whatever i'm sorry to interrupt how old were you when your dad passed 16 it's we're in the same boat we're nothing special yeah you know what i'm saying we ain't something special and how long did it take your mom to date again oh she fucking was probably dating about four years before he died oh my god so it didn't take her that long you know but it was like yeah they just you know like but dude my dad was just fucking dude when i think back on it bro it was kind of bro he he'd pull up at the post office there'd be no parking spots or whatever and he couldn't see that good so he'd ask us is there any parking spots i don't fucking know you know i'm a kid i don't know what parking spot is you know so he'd be like all right you're getting pretty tall you know and he'd be like i'm gonna run in here drive around the block dude this thing had no power steering i would fucking take this fucking thing and i would take this fucking thing and i would take this fucking thing i would have to extend my foot to get the gas through now i'm like remember extend my foot like push it long dude i'd take this bitch around the block i'd hit four or five cars dude fucking boom boom and his car was so banged up you couldn't take it it had hit 2 000 cars every car in town had been hit had been hit by his fucking car dude this motherfucker bro and i just keep going in a circle out there till he came out how old were you i was probably i don't know 12 probably weren't 12 probably weren't 12 probably weren't 12 probably weren't 12 was that you when i was a kid do we would was that you when i was a kid do we would when you drive i'm sorry when you drove you sat on yellow when you drive i'm sorry when you drove you sat on yellow pages i can't remember what we had somebody pages i can't remember what we had somebody told me a story that they used to the dad used to make told me a story that they used to the dad used to make them drive and sit on yellow but now the them drive and sit on yellow but now the stories are you know it's like yeah but that's some of this stories are you know it's like yeah but that's some of this stuff is harrow as tough as it is or stuff is harrow as tough as it is or whatever and people have tougher stuff man i mean your life i whatever and people have tougher stuff man i mean your life i can't even imagine that can't even imagine that no but it's like the you know you just you no but it's like the you know you just you you find these little things that make you a you find these little things that make you a storyteller that make you curious they make you storyteller that make you curious they make you pay attention i think i was always paying pay attention i think i was always paying attention you know like somebody there's a lady attention you know like somebody there's a lady who would come out in the evening by the at the who would come out in the evening by the at the other apartment and she would come out and like other apartment and she would come out and like she'd have like a daiquiri and she would be like she'd have like a daiquiri and she would be like she you know just lay on her car and ask me how she you know just lay on her car and ask me how her body looked and and i'm out there i'm her body looked and and i'm out there i'm i'm six years old you know dude we would put flight i'm six years old you know dude we would put flight in the ditch and like you know she in the ditch and like you know she in the ditch and like you know she be out there how does my body look you be out there how does my body look you be out there how does my body look you know and i don't know what and i would know and i don't know what and i would know and i don't know what and i would get up real close to her leg and like get up real close to her leg and like get up real close to her leg and like look at it real close like that you know Like, I didn't know what the fuck I was looking for. I didn't know. I would get right up by her neck and shit and look at it. And I'm like, yeah, it looks fine. Look, I work out, okay? I'm in there. I'll be honest, which I know my way around a barbell, okay? I know how to get to the second story of a Stairmaster. But I'll be honest that sometimes it's easy to fall into a routine. The same four lifts every week, you just kind of get plateaued. And I'm on the road a lot, too, and sometimes it's hard to find a good gym nearby. And sometimes even any gym at all. So I want to recommend this app called Ladder. They set me up with a real coach. His name's Brian, and he's on Team Vitality. And his whole approach is built for exactly my situation when I'm on the go. You got dumbbells, body weight stuff, mobility, conditioning, nothing that needs a gym. I've done his workouts before in green rooms, in the back of the bus, anywhere. Think of it like having a personal trainer in your headphones, and it's less than a dollar a day. So if you're a guy who keeps telling yourself you'll get back into it once your schedule calms down, look, I've been right there with you. And it doesn't calm down. Go to ladder.fit.tpw and take the quiz. They'll match you with your own coach. You get a free seven-day trial, no credit card, and $10 off your first month if you join. That's ladder.fit.tpw. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you could wake up tomorrow and do one thing better, what would that be? What would that be? Well, for me, it would be listening. I just sometimes want to listen in a way that's, I don't know, I feel like you could master the art of it. I feel like it's a skill like anything else, maybe. Just, you know, I want to be able to absorb things in a way where I'm not trying to do anything. I'm just trying to listen. And then maybe like the right question would just kind of light up inside of me. You know, like in my brain or even in my heart first. It would just kind of spark up. Like a little pilot light, you know. Or sometimes it wouldn't even be a question. Sometimes it wouldn't be a question at all. It would just be, hey, just stay listening, you know. So I think for me, that would be it. How could I listen better? And better is a feeling, you know, defined by you. And for BetterHelp, it's a BetterHelp therapist who really gets you. It's a focus on global emotional well-being with thousands of therapists and millions of members in over 100 countries. It's progress. Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com slash Theo. That's BetterHelp.com slash T-H-E-O. It's so funny when we look at our lives and we think that we grew up fucked up. And in a way, we grew up with action in our lives. True. We shun it at that age. Like, there was a lot of action in my house. Yeah. We could go here for, we could sit here right now and go hours about what was going on in my house. Yeah. At that age. And I dealt with it. It was something that was there. And I stayed away from some of it. I participated in some of it. But not in a bad way. Like, my mom and stepdad were part of two different fucking bookmaking operations. So that added, you know, pressure to the house. After she trained him all those years, he decides to partner up with somebody else. So there were just so many things towards the end. And I just lived my life around them. You know, I moved out of my house when I was in the sixth grade, right? Did you? When I left Catholic school, when I got thrown out of Catholic school, I went home and there was just too much shit going on in my house. Dude. And I couldn't sleep at night. And I moved in with my friends in Union City and lived with them for the whole sixth grade year. Wow. I didn't like sleeping in my house. And you just made that choice yourself? Made it myself. My mom lived there because my mom's bar was three blocks from where I was staying. So I would leave school at three, go up north, go to karate or basketball practice, eat dinner at my mother's bar. On the way home, I'd get a bag of clothes and I'd just fucking go there that night. I had some clothes there. Take a shower and walk to school from Union City instead of sleeping in North Bergen because I didn't like what was going on in my house. Yeah. And there was nothing bad going on. But first off, they both came in at three in the morning talking shit. Yeah. And then she'd cook an eight-course meal at four in the morning and wake you up. I got to get up at 730 in the fucking morning. Yeah. But I made steak, eggs, black beans, a lot. Pops a tail. It's fucking 330 in the fucking morning. So it was just so many of those things I couldn't fucking handle in my house. Yeah. And again, now you look at it and go, Joey, that's exciting. It's exciting for a few nights. Right. Because you come downstairs. My uncles would be there half coked up. They'd each give me 20 bucks for school the next day. That was great. Yeah. But everything else, now I got to sit there and listen to these fucking why you's at four in the morning like it's two in the afternoon. Yeah. And they would cook while they were coked up. Oh, yeah. Why are you cooking? That's just. The food would land and everybody would be looking at themselves at six in the morning. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with you retards? But that's the house I grew up in. Yeah. That was the shit that was going on. And this is why I always, I'm very strong in my homes. Yeah. Me and my wife's got that Southern, you know, Tennessee shit. And both, there's no alcohol in my house. I mean, listen, if you come over, you want a drink. I got beers downstairs. Right. But there's no real alcoholic parties at my house. I don't want to see alcohol in the fucking. That's just me. Yeah. Because that gives them the green light now to live like I did. Next thing you know, your daughter's 18 and she's drinking like Burt. No. I'm going to fucking, you know, I don't want none in my house. I smoke pot outside the house. I do everything I do inside the house. And when I walk in the house, I check myself. When I walk in to make sure I got no bad spirits on me. So I walk into the house and it's normal. We live like an American family, as crazy as that is. People think I'm at home at night fucking watching porn. Nothing. I haven't watched porn since I was fucking 13. I go home and it's just a regular, normal, American fucking life. Wow. There's no butlers. There's no nannies. After all you've been through. Never had a nanny. Never nothing. I don't want nobody in my fucking house. Yeah. Nobody. At night when I go home, it's to relax. So there's never any pressure on my daughter. I wanted to make it a warm home for my daughter. I didn't grow up in a warm home. Yeah. I grew up in a home where I get up to go to school. My mom would call. I'm a fucking cunt in Spanish. And I don't need that in my life. My daughter doesn't need that in my life. So that's why I strive so hard to have a clean home. I keep everything out of my home. I mean, I got weed there. I got pieces. I got shit. But it's a clean home. Yeah. You know? And I take pride in that. Amen. Yeah, I think creating what you couldn't have, too. That's what it is. Yeah. That's what it is. Because you knew you loved your mom and you knew they worked hard. But that was not how you chose to live. I don't want to live anymore. I'd rather live a different fucking way. And that's exactly, you know, I didn't want alcohol. It used to bother me to get up and there'd be beer bottles in my house. Nothing bothered me more than that. Oh, that's gross. And they put a cigarette in that beer bottle. And by mistake, you knock one of those beer bottles over and that shit goes into your furniture. You never get the stink out of nicotine beer out of your fucking shit. So I've always, as much of a coke head as I was and all that shit, there were nights I did coke and wouldn't drink. I would never drink. Yeah. Because I didn't want them to spill. I'd rather snort this bitch. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I remember my bike seat would always get fucking stolen or whatever. Some dude was using it for something or whatever. And so a lot of times I'd go out in the morning, my bike seat would be gone. So I'd still ride my bike, but I'd have to ride standing up the whole way. You know, just little shit like that that was like. But every time you just take it in your own head and just kind of move it along, you know. But I'd do four mile ride just fucking. Because I didn't want people seeing me get off of the bus with like the real poor kids. Because it was like embarrassing to me. And shit was already embarrassing. Embarrassing enough, I felt like. So it was like. But it's interesting the way you kind of like manage stuff as a kid. Once you start having to kind of manage shit, that's when life kind of gets different. I think for some kids. When they got to start kind of man. When things are some sort of way where it's uncomfortable. And they got to start managing a little too early. That's when I feel like it's different. But. But yeah, dude. We had some fucking times, man. We. Oh, dude. Did you ever take Greyhound to go up to the shows or whatever? How was it up here? What do you mean Greyhound? Greyhound bus? Yeah. Or Peter Pan? You ever take one of them? No. Just Greyhound. Greyhound, bro. I used to take Greyhounds when I was a feature actor. Yeah. Oh, dude. When early on, I would be taking some Greyhound sometimes, dude. Bro, we had this one stop. It was over by like Hammond, right? And they had some dude. He would always. They call him the Hammond slurper, right? This dude would get out. And he was just a gay dude. Or he pretended like he wasn't gay or whatever. But he was really being gay. But he would be like, you know. Hey, guys. If anybody wants it here in Hammond. He would just make an announcement. I was like, you know, like, I'm giving it out, you know. And everybody would be just sitting there like, fucking, who's going to get up? You know, who's like winning the gay lottery or whatever. And every now and then, you'd see some dude like, I'm going to step out to smoke or something. And somebody would go follow him over there. And he was blowing dudes over there in Hammond over there. Hammond, Louisiana. Where the blowjob's always wet, brother, because of the humidity anyway. You know? You fucking just put your wiener in the air and you feel like something's sucking on it. Just that kind of. But yeah, Greyhound, I'm trying to think. Bring up anything on Greyhound. You got any crazy stuff? Some of the stuff that's happened on Greyhound. I used to get on Greyhound Twitter feed, right? This is what I used to do. I would get on there because they have a bus help. It's at Greyhound bus help or something. And people would be like, look, we pulled over here off the LIE. This motherfucker's on fire, right? Somebody's calling somebody's four-year-old a fag or whatever. And I would be like, I would just reply from my personal Twitter. I'd be like, don't you worry, guys. We'll be right there, right? And he's like, I'm going to get on Greyhound. You motherfuckers. What do we have here? Oh, here we go. Here's one right here. The dude on the left is doing knife hits of meth on a Greyhound bus. Both are arguing constantly. Oh, yeah, that's Hound, baby. That's Hound, dude. So that's the neighborhood where you would take the bus at? No, this is just random people talking about stuff on Greyhound. During reloading in Tallahassee, the driver left me at the station and most of my luggage was in the bus. Number 86846 heading to Jacksonville. It passed now. Then 24 hours I reported about it. No feedback still. Same shit here. My silver luggage was stolen on 822 from my way to Buffalo. I made a claim and they didn't do shit for me to wait for what? Yeah, you're done. You lose anything on Greyhound. There's no customer service. Bro, they motherfuckers. They won't give you a hug. They won't even give you a fucking hug. That's a cold way to travel, but when you're making $400, $400 for fucking 18 shows and you want to snort coke and have a good time, you got to cut back at some different divisions. Yeah. And that's why I used to take the L.A. bus to El Paso, Texas. Nuh-uh. As a feature act. And then they started headlining. He didn't pay much. So I would take the fucking Monday night Express 1145, gotcha to El Paso at 1 o'clock the next day. Nuh-uh. You were on that bus overnight. Yeah. But the Express only made a few stops. Oh, yeah. But fucking, I was on that thing one time and the heat broke and there was like 20 Asians going to Texas. And after about two hours, that bus started kicking. Not that the Asians were dirty. I'm not saying that. Yeah. But it was hot and the body sweat. That whole bus smelled like a Ying Ying fucking factory. Oh, yeah. I was on it and they had great coke and whatever. So my first time ever in El Paso, I'm about to leave Saturday night. I just got paid. And some guy's like, hey, man, you want to do a bump? And he gave me two and I looked at him. You know where I can buy? He goes, nah, just take the rest out of this. It was like four grams of coke he gave me. Wow. And I'll never forget the next day. I didn't do it all that night. I go, I'm going to save some to take back. How do you save some? Listen to the fucking story. Yes, sir. Something made me pass out. I woke up the next day, got the three grams, whatever it was in there, put it in my pocket, got on the bus, take off. I'm happy as shit. I go in the back of my pocket. I do two bumps and I'm ready to sit there for 11 hours doing little bumps and all. All of a sudden, the bus gets pulled over by three fucking immigration cops and with dogs and shit. I'm dead. So I did the best possible thing. I took the fucking grams out and I snorted in one fucking swipe, grounded it up, threw it in the bathroom, washed my hands. He's like, get to your seat. My hands are washed. There was no coke on me, but now I had to deal with the fucking three-gram line I did. All of a sudden, I couldn't catch my wind and shit. And then I just started sweating. Bro, by the time they got there with the dog, the dog was barking at me from a distance, you know, like, because it was coming out immediately. I'm sitting there, 390 pounds, fucking sweating, cocaine juice, Malamalenka juice, and God knows what else was coming out of me. That was not a pleasant experience. Another time, I was on one going to Buffalo and I started a conversation with the girl. I didn't even say nothing. She started telling me how she's a stripper and she got an STD in Buffalo. It's not that girl who's pussy can hum up. No. Christmas Carol or whatever. Is that that girl? This is a chick on a greyhound. That'd have been better. And even if she did, how do you get to humming a Christmas carol with your pussy? That's a complete different conversation. Usually that involves money and cocaine before you get to be that open. I didn't know if it was a different, same girl. No, no. And she's telling me that if you go to the doctor and they prescribe something, it goes on your stripping license or whatever. So it goes on a report and they won't let you dance until you go back to the doctor. She's like, I got three kids. I got to dance. So she was going from like Buffalo to Syracuse before the paperwork shot over just so she'd get a couple of wiggles and get paid before the fuck and everybody knew she had VD. This is the kind of people you meet on the bus, which makes it entertaining. All the best. And it's part of comedy. It's part of the fucking gig. Yeah. You know, think about it. You might go to a gig now and take a private plane. It's great. We've earned it. But at the same time, look at how we used to take a bus and be just fine and get there with a story. And as a comic, we base our lives on stories. Before I even go on my material, I took a bus here today. I got an hour of material of what I saw. People having sex. I saw this fat couple fucking in the back. He got stuck. They started yelling. Shit like that. Yeah. For safety or whatever. What makes you think getting on the ground, you could fuck? I mean, where's your mentality? You want to fuck somebody, fuck them in first class or in the bathroom on a plane. I fucked on a Greyhound before, man. You did? Yeah. Oh, my God. I did. You're a hell of a Christian. You're a better Christian than I am. Look, dude. Yeah, dude. And I don't even know if I wanted to, but I think. You just met her? Huh? No. It was a girl I knew. Okay. We were riding. No condom. Fuck it. Yeah. She's going from point A to point B. You're going off. Two strangers. They didn't have any condoms on the bus. I remember even asking a driver and it was at night and he's like, I told him straight up. I was like, I'm trying to make out with my lady back here. And he's like, well, I'll drive real slow if you break me off an extra. 40 so i fucking hooked him up and he drove like he probably drove 25 on the interstate almost like a romantic sort of thing in a way because you don't get to go that slow on the interstate i mean this was back when miles per hour was probably 55 but he put the flashing lights on and shit i felt like a fucking like a president or something i felt like i was traveling to heaven but yeah she was like sitting on my lap or whatever making love back there but yeah i remember that dude greyhound they'd always have something it would be like some dude set his dick on fire or whatever or two dudes were looking for somebody's dick or it was always the stuff that happened on there was crazy one time i'm on there a guy's like he said hey you want to see something right and i thought it was going to be um his wiener or whatever he opens his bag up and it's just a jewel it's just a bag of jewelry right like he just robbed a jewelry store then he picks the bag up and hands it to me to look in it when he does that under the bag got his wiener out so i lost you know or he won or whatever i don't know what it was but um if you were to stop comedy tomorrow yeah just disappear what would be the memories that you missed the most about doing comedy going up at the in the original room for sure me too and also bringing somebody up there's something also special fun about bringing somebody up and i think also just watching comedy in the original room me too that's one of the things i miss about getting high sitting in the back sitting and watching comedy but i mean like this if i was your son and i came to you and said dad i'm 21 i know you've earned money and you want me to go to notre dame but dad i want to follow in your footsteps you know and you at first you'd be a little upset you know can we do this later i don't want your mom to hear this shit you know and then eventually you got to deal with it and in the process of dealing you have to think of what you went through the hotels the buses the people not paying you and all this shit and i gotta be honest with you including my jail sentence the first 10 years of comedy and everything else that's happened the last 40 years i would do it all over again i would do it all over again it was well worth it the ride the education that i got of being a comic is world-renowned education the shit we we've seen yeah on those trips and they lose your luggage or plane rides or who's on the plane with you and i think i missed the struggle i miss struggling that's that's who gets your dick card the next day yeah i still don't like it easy i gotta struggle a little bit there's something that's out there that i want a piece of and i'm gonna do whatever i can to get it i'm just making up an imaginary scenario here but that's that's what i enjoyed about living in la that every day i could hit the lottery yeah you know you you try to motivate people and speak to people they understand what you're saying but not really because they hadn't had it happen close to you proving myself i think that's one thing that i love you know i think about somebody like ralphie may i still remember me and ralphie going to shop right and shoplifting turkeys and shoplifting coke huts and doing all this crazy shit and all of a sudden one day later he's living on wilshire boulevard in a fucking penthouse and he's got a coffee table with three pounds of weed on the coffee table of three different weeds that's nice see when you see that you go okay that's what i want for myself and if he did it i could do it okay that's what it's opening the door for somebody else like i'm trying to get this guy on the podcast that i've been a fan of since i was in the eighth grade because he changed my whole life he played for north carolina and he's still there and he's still there and he's still there and he's still there as a freshman white dude irish kid six foot seven and i still remember turning the tv on for the final game and them going from jersey city new jersey michael corin and me going that dude is a freshman and he started at north carolina he's doing it white wow if he could do it i have a chance to get the fuck out of here maybe not as a star like him but it let me know that i was a freshman and i still remember turning the tv on for the final game and them going from jersey city new jersey michael corin and me going that dude is a freshman and he started at north carolina and he's doing it white there's more beyond jersey city in your neighborhoods or you know more than some of louisiana not putting louisiana yeah no but i'm just saying the back of your mind you're like there's something bigger out there and if he went out there and got it i'm gonna go out there and get it yeah that hit home for me and it still does i think about michael corin once a month wow because i knew the door he opened for me mentally he opened this door mentally without ever knowing yeah i want to get him on the podcast to thank him to his fucking face michael corin michael corin they even did a write-up about his mother in sport magazine because it was rosie her name another irish mom and she was a waitress raising this single you know she was a single mom yeah this motherfucker started as a fucking freshman in the semi-finals he had 33 points of the final four yeah he busted out 33 points then as a freshman they ended up losing to marquette but that didn't matter to me the fact that he was a kid from my fucking neighborhood i was doing something that was doing something just let me know i could fucking do this amen not being a millionaire not doing it being a big just doing something just doing something letting me know yeah you know look where you're from in louisiana it was there was a big time football player from there that's you oh yeah we had you had him and you had him so let you know that you have a fucking little bit of a chance something's possible yeah we had a nilo sylvan was this dude who like who lived like right he lived in a neighborhood right around from us he lived over in the ozone and he was like he had like the letterman jacket and he played football and i think he went to play university of tennessee look him up if you can nilo sylvan american former professional football player oh he played for the buccaneers that's who it was um and where was he from look can you click on his wiki from covington louisiana right there that's where you're from covington yeah and so man it played college at university of tennessee dude so uh so yeah there was something when you saw him it seemed like oh man i something there's something possible there's something possible out there i could do something i could do something i could be a water boy and uh pistol pete maravich lived in our town so that was like a big deal why you always got to get me started on pistol people you know that's my idol dog he lived over there off a janky oh dude i got a pair of socks i got to send you some pistol pete socks i bought them years ago never took them out of the store i bought the package they're nice they're designed like uh they're nice they're just like a nice pair oh he wore oh no because i'd sniff them if he wore my dog i'll fuck it bro i let my wiener sleep in when i'm at night so how close to pistol p graduate from you oh i'm sorry no he grew but his two sons grew up in our town so he uh his ex-wife lived there he had gotten a divorce or he passed he passed away right but uh they had a half court and a bat and a top at her house and then they had this house and we just kind of ridiculously shaped and he just he was a different dude he built a half court and in his attic but it was like a real half court like it was the attic was just a unique looking house and so things like that were always interesting and then lee harvey oswald went to our middle school and so it was like shit like that it was like i could be a fuck you know i could i could shoot the president yeah something bro i mean you just but little things it didn't even matter i don't care if dracula went to our fucking kindergarten it was like something could have happened right and there was like a lore in the air that was another thing it put lore in the air one of my favorite stories um that i tell people all the time now about you that i just even learned like two years ago was when uh was that james j braddock that y'all used to go shovel snow in his driveway how crazy is that dude that's like dude that cinderella man is my favorite i remember when poirier fought over there in jersey i went and prayed at the statue before i went over there dude because i was like this is it because he's kind of like you know he's my braddock he's a lot of people's braddock in a way but when you told me that story that he would break you guys off a couple bucks to shovel snow in his driveway that's crazy and he was just a regular guy in the neighborhood just a regular guy and he had kids in the neighborhood they became cops and shit like that it just went and went and went yeah i didn't know about the uh how big james j braddock was when i was growing up it wasn't a big deal and they told me that he was a famous boxer and shit yeah i told my mother my mother said he was good whatever the fuck and he was good that was it yeah it was good she liked him and some shit she saw him fight at some fucking thing because my mom would go to the garden to watch fights she went to mom and ali frazier at the garden i still remember being fucking crying and shit she left me with a baby so that was our broken dog that's why i tried to get the babysitter to suck my dick for 20 bucks and she took my 20 bucks and caught me and i was and blew on my stomach i was gonna kill this bitch i worked hard to get those 20 in quarters oh at that age for sure dude how could you even i was and then the next morning my mom used to wake up with me and make me like this pseudo oatmeal and then she'd have to give me uh yeah we grew up in a cuban house i have to drink armistice juice with not uh the cortada in it or something cortada this shit what's some oil seed - Something like fish oil. - Oh, cat oil? I forget it's still around now they got it in different flavors so it must taste worse but for three years my mom would give me that three or four years every morning you puked it up she didn't give a fuck you're not going to school till you drink this cause I was a sickly kid and I still remember her pouring the thing for me like ma I gotta talk to you she had just woken up she was probably hungover and I'm like ma I gotta talk to you Tita I gave Tita 20 bucks to suck my dick last night and she didn't suck my dick and my mom's looking at me like what the fuck are you talking about I gave her 20 bucks ma and if I don't get my money back I'm going to fucking kill her I want my fucking money back ma I'm going to go in there and stab her right now I was a kid so $20 to me was a lot of money I was pissed that's a year's salary I still remember being fucking pissed about she just I got all fired up I took a shower I put VO5 in my hair I put a gold chain on and I just sat in my little room my little dick on I thought she was coming in to suck it so I told my mom I want my fucking money so my mom goes enough enough enough I'll give you the $20 just don't let this happen again and she goes can I ask you something she goes let me ask you something I have a bar and there's always a bunch of hookers there you think they'd suck your little dick for $20 it's usually $100 so when she told me I'm like what the fuck $100 for a blowjob at my mom's bar oh oh dude my mom I don't know if she was blowing people or not I can't even remember I'm trying to think she dated though I remember dude and whoever she would date it I'd always have we'd have to be she dated one guy who gave us tickets to a football game my brother and I went and a scalper fucking the dude some undercover cops you know offered to buy him from us and then they tried to arrest us for scalping our tickets and they're like you guys are trying to scout you know sell to him like but you're we didn't know you asked to buy you know just fucking we had another my mom dated this guy Donnie Ferrari I used to I worked as like a they had to do this whole door-to-door Italian food he had a little wagon he'd go around and just sell it selling Italian and I worked at his apprentice my mom was kind of I think they were dating in hindsight for a bit now this is after your dad passed no no no this is before he was still alive because they'd been separated for a while right okay so they got separated but yeah my mom was she was I thought your mom said listen honey I love you but the dick don't work no more oh I think I gotta go out and get mine I'm saying I gotta go out and get mine I've been a mom I raised these motherfuckers I gotta go suck something well my mom dated my mom dated this one dude and he would take us just to the continental breakfast at a motel and we'd go sit in there and eat dude we didn't even stay there bro you're over there eating an apple for breakfast we'd get all dressed up and go eat there dude he wore like a cowboy hat we didn't fucking know he would take us in at a fucking holiday inn over there and we'd sneak in off the side and just go fucking eat in there but uh what else happened yeah but she dated this guy Donnie Ferrari and he had like this um it was like that you know just Italian I was his apprentice when I was probably nine or something we were selling fucking strombolis door to door and shit we had a little wagon he had a little wagon and we'd pull up and dude he was but he was trying to smash all these women and I finally caught on like this dude's supposed to be talking to my mother but he's out here and I'd be waiting there fucking they'd have a couple bunts and burners I'm fucking there warming up a little tray of fucking um you know uh uh manicotties or whatever and he's in there massaging the lady's shoulders in the kitchen and shit like it was always some bullshit you know but that was pretty fun that's back when they had like the swans truck the different food trucks would come through the neighborhood and you could buy the food directly off of some guy you know wow but yeah we sold door to door Italian for a while and I wasn't bad at it it was just so fucking hot dude you're lugging 35 pounds of fucking manicotti on a bike no oh walking we'd walk in the in his van and then drive it fuck how were you left home when I left home I was 13 man I went and lived with friends okay and then how long till you left that area how old were you when you left that area and said I went and lived with my mom cause then she moved out to Arizona I went and lived with her for one semester out there and then I moved back for my senior year of school and that was fun dude that was so much fun I was so lucky to be from Louisiana bro just fun people storytelling but dude it's people telling stories and it's weird shit happening dude I remember the first time I got a little bit of cocaine you know cocaine oh god down there yeah and it's wet it's always fucking wet you know the top half inch is fucking you know it's the only it's like comes with a head on it you know it's like Mikey it's like I see Mike's head dude yeah it's like yeah yeah it comes with a fucking head on it dude but I bought some cocaine and I thought it was a performance enhancer like a creatine or something so I'm fucking snorting this shit I ran eight miles out there on the railroad tracks dude and I didn't miss a fucking you know you go on railroad tracks you're like boom those the things going across the wooden I didn't miss a one boy I fucking was cruising how old were you the first time you did cocaine probably right then uh it probably was about 14 or something oh Jesus you beat me by a fucking year and a half really fuck yeah but like one eye dude this one eye dude he would ride a bike to work and he would uh and I'd give him some of my tips money and he would do a little bit of cocaine he had two eyes when I met him and then when I re-met him he only had one eye the coke was good something was good dude that shit was banging Jack his eye left town with some of it you know that shit was fucking good but yeah it was I'm trying to think of something else oh from growing up dude we had like a job that one of my first jobs was uh we had this one dude named Fozzie who had this fish finder service and it was like he had this thing like a fish you remember it was like one hundred number you could call to get like a tarot reading or whatever like Miss Cleo or whatever well this dude had one and it was a fish finder he would call you you could call this service and they would tell you where the fish in the state where you could fish right so it was like we got the bet you know like Lake Beauregard's got the fish right or Chufuncta you got them in a Chufuncta today they got you know they got tarpon out there on you know in south Lafourche or like you know they got um you know they got brim off of Pekina Island or something like that he would so you people would call this number and pay a fee to talk to him and he would tell him where the good fishing was for that day and so I worked over there at the little call center over there and you would just answer calls and you had to keep him on the line while he was waiting with the person he was already talking to cause the guy lived in our area so that was pretty crazy dude you would just bullshit with these motherfuckers who were trying to get like a hot read on some bass or whatever you know so but even just shit like that you get into it and then like life becomes like this sort of thing that's like alright you know this is interesting and then I think God just blesses you with different characters that come by we had a guy at work I've heard this story before but he would deliver pizzas and um we'd make up fake he never watched any pop culture he never watched movies or anything he was like a born again Christian or like reborn again or whatever it's called unborn or whatever fucking twice baked or whatever for Christ or whatever he was just like a little potato skin for the lord this guy you know so he but we would call he was a manager at the pizza joint so we'd make up fake pizza orders you know we'd make up a you know a pizza order for like uh you know it could be anybody it could be fucking Wesley Snipes right like four miles away wanted six pizzas so we'd make the pizzas he'd go take he had no ID never heard of Wesley Snipes he never owned a television anything like that he was always at church so he'd go deliver the he'd go out there we'd get drunk while he was calling this motherfucker would come back he was always wearing like a Heathcliff t-shirt remember Heathcliff that cartoon he was always wearing it said like Heathcliff loves Christ or whatever on it and he was always wearing that bitch and he'd come back and we would fucking be leaning on the brooms just bent out of our minds bro and but when he'd get back it was almost like he was bringing the pizzas back for us because we'd forgot he'd even sent him out there we'd drink so much draft beer while he was going and the pizzas were still good enough you know to eat so we're like fuck yeah we got pizzas and we'd cheer him on when he got back we're all excited this motherfucker just whatever money the business was gonna make for the day was just gone bro and these pizzas was wet in the middle bro and I'll say that till I die bro the pizzas that they sold were wet in the middle and that shit was a turn off to me oof interesting you fuck that's pretty interesting shit it was just interesting shit you know it was entertaining enough you know I heard that you were gonna be spending time down in Austin man so am I I had to do it I had to do it just the mathematics is better for me the stage time the stage time yeah same um like I said to you Central Jersey's very nice I'm out of the city an hour but where I live and my situation now comedy's rough some nights you know and I find myself maintaining but not improving okay yeah I don't want to maintain I gotta and for me I know this from day one for me to get anywhere I gotta do a couple spots multiple nights yeah so I started going down there you know when the Austin boom came that wasn't for me I'm not that I didn't need that that bad I had already purchased a house here and I wanted to to establish myself here so Austin was nice I always enjoyed myself there but I wasn't gonna just pick up and move cause everybody else was doing it yeah and bring my daughter and then over the years I started going twice a year and I started going three times a year and four times a year you miss tacos you go back down there again and I noticed that ever since like last November I started going down there once a month, and there was always same thing tuesday leave friday get there tuesday morning do three spots tuesday three wednesday three thursday and get on a plane but then i come back here for three weeks and i do another one a week so i was like this is just it's not enough it wasn't enough and i just started making friends and then you know i've been friends with carly for i don't know how long and as a friend she's like have you ever considered playing gta and i'm like no but i never played a video game in my life i was always too busy stealing yeah i don't have time for fucking games that's what the game that's what the game is about so you're streaming now yeah i stream twice a week bro i didn't even know that grand theft auto whenever you want to come on it'd be fucking dog it is a blast it is a fucking blast i'm an old man i get it i know don't you have a life i don't think so no who cares the game wouldn't exist if you hadn't lived your life yeah no you're right fucking they owe you copyright i'm over there running over people robbing liquor stores shooting people it look yeah this is i'm trying i don't think you got ammo i just started shooting motherfuckers bro that's awesome i just blew a guy up bro with the fucking can they do blowjob can you get a blowjob in this i think you get a blowjob at the strip club but then twitch will ban you oh right twitch will ban you if you get a blowjob at a strip club listen i didn't know what i was doing these guys taught me how to do it from scratch yeah and i go on there like tonight i might go on there but maybe not because carly can't stream tonight maybe i'll go on there sunday nights the other night i got out at one in the morning i went out to do comedy and podcast and i got back carly was streaming we have another friend we have three of us pedro and we fucking go off on that man i eat a few edibles i smoke some dope i put my little earphones on i got music everybody's sleeping i got my little office in the back to play it and if this is what i'm doing now this is what i'm doing dude it's how the times are there's not some people that can't there's not even a lot of jobs out there you can't grow a crop you grow a fucking you grow a pumpkin or whatever it's goddamn uh you know it's got metals in the middle of it and shit everything's got a you know things are so messed up now you got a cornfield but half of the corn's got fucking velcro on it growing out of it and shit like everything is just merged out it's like yeah if you're an adult playing video games i didn't do it as a kid i don't i didn't play any fucking games then you earned it dude every kid should be able to play video games that's why i tell people i'm 63 i'll let you know what i want to do when i grow up as soon as i find out i don't know what i want to do when i grow up i'm having a good time doing what i'm doing and you know that uh having i love seeing joe once a month oh yeah perfect for me two three days of joe talking some shit smoking some dope in the green room it's not even that i like going to sunset hanging out with red band yeah you know i'm gonna start going more to creek in the cave i gotta start going over there and torturing rebecca it's a nice little comedy community for guys like us we're right there you want to do another spot go to the vulcan right and beside that how many open mics are there there oh well dude you can go down there and what would take you a year in another city i think you can do in four months down there yeah comedy wise i really believe that even in la if you're popping around it's still extra popping around you know but there you can manage it up and get it in especially if you're really working on it don't you could do three spots by nine good spots in front of good audiences go to fucking austin the show started seven some of them started six it just mathematically it just made sense the more i kept going on there and seeing my hotel bills seeing this i'm like i need a pad yeah and then i went to red band's building have you gone to that building and that's why i picked an apartment i'm in red band's building i'm on the 44th fucking floor is it fancy oh yeah fucking everything red light sauna downstairs cold plunge poker room fucking supermarket downstairs that if you need food you can get the supermarket they got everything they do it all for your amazon return they'll return it for you oh my god put it in a room and they i have a bunch of shit i'd never wanted and i just have it dude we started making ornaments out of some of it last year we fucking hanging this shit on the tree of just amazon return there was so many you know the people who come to our shows love us and they bring us gifts and i would just come home put the gifts in the closet open what i could yeah when i moved i cleaned out that closet it was six feet deep with shit all the way to the back i opened up like two hours worth of packages guess what i found i found 34 000 cash and people would put money in cards to me you just paid 30 to come see me why are you putting on a lot of bill yeah you're giving me more money than you paid for the fucking ticket but that's the people we have coming to our shows they're very grateful so you got to take the fucking extra leap they're gonna be that cool when i opened that up thank god there was books there people give me books and i'd open them and in the middle be 500 cash i had like two books like really a couple guys put the money at the end of the book damn it was fun i gotta look at some of them then i've had some books yeah would you do a monthly show down there yeah i got them i got my dates already you do the first uh third thursday of the month seven o'clock show in the big room and that's october october 15th 16th oh man i'll be down november something and december i got booked and then what i'm doing is so i'll do that room thursday and then hang out friday and then saturday ca is gonna get me something i go do it casino or a theater and then i come home on sunday november is interesting december is interesting because i'm gonna do tulsa houston and then i'm going right to austin i'm gonna stay there till like the 18th finish out the year that's when i come home i'm home for christmas got it but my wife wants to go back down to 26th of december does she like it down there yeah and my daughter really fucking liked it really remember i was gonna get a one bedroom and i'm like one bedroom i need some more fucking room you know we need some room there we go joey diaz friends look at joe rogan look at the look at the fly it looks like they made it from fucking paper mache i gotta talk to adam oh yeah that's crazy i'm doing that just to one show a month covers my rent than the fucking thing yeah and i get to see friends i get to eat that's the biggest thing you get to watch and see people that's the thing i start to notice man you know i had to take some time like thankfully i've had some time off i was having like i tried to get on new med i tried to get off of my meds and i was trying like different plant medicine stuff because i really wanted to get off meds right you know i've always wanted to because i got on them 23 years ago because i was going through a bad time in a relationship and i've still been on them bitches i went on one six years ago and i'm trying to get off it yeah i don't even see it affecting me anymore like i don't even see if you work out and do all the other shit and you get somebody watching jaws is it affecting us or no we're good no um yeah that'll be but it'll be so good down there dude and it's like yeah but yeah i had to take a listen man when i went i told you what happened last time i was headed down there saturday at 10 in the morning that night i get home from whatever i'm doing i open up instagram to see what's going on and you made a pop and i'm like i didn't want to call you to tell you i was coming down i want to give you a hug and surprise you yeah so when i went down saturday that's all i was doing and i went to do a show on the other side of town and somebody goes theo's at the uh mothership right now all right mothership yeah and i said all right let me shoot over there when i got there they said you just missed the motherfucker oh and i stayed there for an hour and then they called back again they're like we're all at uh whatever betty becky um uh come on down you know yeah theo's down there that's when i got on the bicycle with the five girls one of them was my niece one of them was carly my partner and then there was uh christina mariani who's she's the best she's the best and little or and i had a blast with those bitches they took me to fucking the betsy we walked out of that 4 30 in the morning i don't i haven't stayed out past one in 20 years yeah and here i am in austin texas 4 30 in the morning not even sweating not even i had a couple cocktails in me that was it but i had the best time oh and that's the other thing man i gotta do a lot to find happiness in town because at my age the biggest thing you want to have is communication in your day it's great you want to be alone that's great but you have to communicate with other people that's why i go to gyms in the morning isolation is i go to boxing gyms at this age is the biggest thing that'll get you yeah it's boredom and not having social i'm 20 years older than the other dads in my block i get it right i'm a fucking dinosaur compared to them and when they talk i don't know what they're talking about either so so the only people i have a couple girls that are my friends like moms yeah because i met through softball and shit they'll call me and say we're meeting up here if you want to come by have a drink beside that i'm not going to go to the gym i'm going to go to the gym i'm going to go to the gym but there's no guys who call me wow i got like three neighborhood girls dude my friend yeah one of my friends ended up working with me so now we're co-workers which is nice we're still friends but we it's working also so there's part of that always in it one of my good friends he was playing football there and now he he graduated over there he was playing at college and then uh some other friends have moved out of there so yeah nashville's like it's good but i don't have as much of that like i got a good bible study over there though but i don't have some of that like day-to-day but and aaa's gotten better over there okay so that's been good for me how are you doing with the program let's talk about it before yeah it was getting choppy, man. I'd had some tough times this summer, you know, but it's gotten better. Sorry. No worries. It's gotten better, man. Um, yeah, I don't know. I think there was just like, I don't know what was going on. Life just fucking got kind of crazy at certain points. Just like sometimes there's just a lot going on and it was just like, you know, I got away from my program. You know, I think there was a point to where I think over the years where I was just torn into, it was just too much, you know? And you don't like, I guess you do know, but I don't know. Some of you just learn them for the first time. You're like, I don't know what's going on here. You know, you make some money. You don't know what that's like, you know, popularity. Some of the, some things get scary. Um, but yeah, I, I just gotten away from my program, you know? And so I had to lock back in. And so now it's been good. Um, because most of the time I've had, it's been, has been sober time, you know? It's just when you, you know, it's just, I've had, yeah, more recently. It's just, it's been choppier than I would, than I would want. Um, this is very much a, you do the same shit every day to get you to where you're going. And for me, ever since I moved there, I'm not going to lie to you. Six years ago, I was struggling with mental health, signed up and spoke to a therapist, went on some type of medication. It was not good. I look you in the face and tell you my, I got dark when I left LA and then I was that shit where my mother started about, she never showed up. So it was like a long 18 months and therapy really helped me. I figured out what the trouble fucking spots are. And if I wake up at three in the morning and Theo's on my mind, there's a problem. I have to talk to Theo. Yeah. I used to ignore those things. You know, I would get up to piss at three in the morning and go, fuck, I'm thinking about this date I took and I should know and all that shit. Right. And once you start getting a lot of those in my life, something's not right. So I had to eliminate those. Like something happened last week. I woke up two nights in a row thinking about something. I got up this week and cleaned that shit up instead of letting it ride. Right. Can't do that. Because I was so busy with comedy and being a dad and podcasting that you overlook a lot of things. So, and right now I'm about to do that again at the age of 63 with podcasting and stuff like that. So I just had it. I learned how to take care of my mental. I started paying attention to a lot more. Anything that jolts me a little bit, I'm done with. Yeah. You know, I was doing great in LA. I was doing theaters, two theaters every weekend, two podcasts a week, eight spots a fucking week. I'm doing all these fucking things. And now, and I wasn't happy. I just was not fucking happy. Wow. I didn't like how things were being handled in my life. I didn't like the bullshit that was going with it. So I said, I said, you know what? I switched agents. I stayed with CAA. Nothing with the other agent. I just didn't like how we were doing business. I didn't like, I shouldn't cringe when you call me. I shouldn't look at the phone and go, fuck, what's this motherfucker want? And that's what was happening. So I had to go back and clean all that up. And I decided I'm going to do comedy, but it's not corporate comedy. It's 63. I don't give a fuck if I get canceled. Yeah. I don't give a fuck about anything. As a matter of fact, there's only one thing I care about is being funny and making sure those people have fun. I don't have a great show. I don't have Netflix on my mind. I don't want to do a special. I don't want to do much. I got an audition for a voiceover. I'm going to do it. It's for Ghostbusters. That I'll do. But everything else, I'm not in the corporate mood anymore. I'm not in the mood where people are coming up to me with three people after the show. You're great. I'm not in the mood for that shit. Yeah, that's a bunch of fucking regalia. That's just a bunch of shit to take you off your game. So now this is why I incorporated Austin in my life and incorporated what I'm doing now. I'm just going to be funny at 60. And I have an 18-month window until I turn 65. And that goal is to give it all out, balls out, and try to be the best I can until I'm 65. Then I'll see what ticket sales are and everything else, and I'll reevaluate. I'm a lucky 63-year-old because right now I'm supposed to be on a ship. Yeah. Meanwhile, I'm out here handpicking gigs that are offered at me. Casinos, they pay well. You know, little residencies. Oh, yeah. You can do something. Yeah, there's a lot of possibilities. So why am I here? I was doing my stressing. I was doing the road completely different before. It was corporate, and it was business. I was only there to pick up a check on Saturday. Yeah. I was not happy until that check came in my hand. I don't look at it like that no more. I don't even want the fucking check. I want to have a good time. Yeah. If I don't have a good time, why have the check? Yeah. I'm just, so that's my outlook now with this window. Somebody asked me, why five-year window? And I'm like, I'm 63. I got one from the great, one from the banana peel. There ain't no window. It's like a fucking fleet window. It's like a fucking, it's a doggy door. Yeah, it's a doggy door. So, and, but then I said, no, you have to live with some type of purpose, and you have to have some type of purpose where you stand up. And this is what I'm doing. I'm happy to hear that, man. Yeah. I'm glad, dude, because, yeah, and we need your energy there, and I need to hear that, because, yeah, I'm getting back. It's like, I'm taking some time off, you know. We got to, we put a special together that's going to come out at some point soon, but, yeah, I'm just taking some time off. I just started getting back on stage. I got up with Giannis Pappas a couple weeks ago. A couple weeks ago, dude. Okay. Bro, that was one of the, he's one of the funniest. He's a funny dude, Giannis Pappas. He does not fuck around. Bro, his show right now is probably the fun, it's one of the funniest shows I've ever seen. Really? The tour he's doing now? It was so good, man. Oh, so you jumped on stage with Giannis in Austin that night? Yeah. Right. Yeah. You went up before his set? Yeah. Okay, yeah, he's a fun guy. He's a good guy. And I like Joe DeRosa. There's a lot of guys down there that I really think the world of. Yeah. Like they're young comics that. And they're young energy. If you're young and want to kill, you want to be a hustler, you want to be in it, they're down there, man. And that energy is really good for guys my age. We both have something to give each other. I have the wisdom of 30 years that if they ask me a question, I can put them at ease. Yeah. And they have the gift of making me feel young. Amen. Giving me the opportunity to go up there and rock like I was 24. Like you're saying, being around people gives you energy, bro. Energy. Yeah. It's more like I'll go hang out around like, I'll go, like I'm a Vanderbilt. I'm a Vanderbilt football fan. Right. I see that. I like LSU because that's obviously where I'm from. But Vanderbilt's the city that I live in, right? They play out of Nashville. And so like last year, I went to like nine of their games last year. On the road, at home. I mean, they played 11 games. I went to nine. They played 12. I went to nine. And it just gave me so much life because you're the surround energy. You're surrounded by energy. It's a maximum amount of energy. And that's real. College football is real energy, Doc. Yeah. That's not fucking around. I tell people, you don't know what life is until you go to a college football game. Oh, yeah. Yeah. NFL's the NFL. Yeah. College is, you feel the love in the air. Everybody's having a good time. Somebody's got their fucking tits out. Yeah. Always at those games. One girl isn't doing a somersault and she's fucking beautiful. Oh, you could throw your dick into the crowd and it'll land in some girl's ass. Yeah. You could feel the, you could feel something that's unlike pro football. Oh, yeah. It's something real. Which is real, you know. Pro football's turning into just more gambling and people just trying to like, you know, out of their spouse or whatever. But it's definitely, pro football's turning into a bit more of a racket. What I wanted to talk to you about before I left was our plan for the future. Okay. I love you a lot. You're like a stepson to me. And when I bumped into you in Austin, you said something to me that night that really made me think. And then I started counting for you. I started counting the days for you to give you as much support as I can give you. I'm not there all the time. Yeah. And I really want you to do well with this now. I really want you to put your, because you have a whole world ahead of you that you don't know. And I'm going to explain it to you now. I did cocaine from 1979 to 2007. What's that? That's 21 years plus seven is 28 years. 28 years. 28 years I had that in my body. It was in my thought. And it does affect you. Yeah. You know, it's not just one package once a week. Now you're doing five packages a week. And it starts becoming you. I ended up kidnapping somebody. I ended up paying my debt to society. And what did I do when I came out? I went right back to the bank. Oh, dude. I fucking, yeah. And I started comedy during the bank. I got married. I got divorced. I was dead broke. I went through hell for a lot of years. And you were in the bag the whole time? Oh, fuck yeah. There was no stopping or nothing. There was always a bag. I divorced. Yeah. I don't talk to that daughter. It's been 20 some years since I've spoken to that daughter. Yeah. All because of that patch of life. But I want you to think about it. I want you to think about it. I want you to think about what I'm telling you. At 44, I made a decision to stop snorting coke. That was 19 years ago. This November will be 19 years. I want to tell you what I've accomplished in 19 years to what I accomplished in 44 years. It's not even close. Wow. Marriage, a child, a career, podcasting. I did all these things in that little fucking window. So every morning when I wake up, my regret is I wish I had 15 more. I wish I had 15 more of those years to see what the damage I could have done, how high I could have worked, if I would have ended up in arenas or whatever. I'm content with what God gave me. I'm grateful for what I don't have and for what I do have. Even if you have a cocktail one time, even if you decide to eat a 10 milligram edible, I'm talking about the shit that gets us down the most, the drug that has driven us down the most is what you have to get out of your system. And Jesus Christ, in 19 years, I became a dad, the same. - Was it stuff you never thought you could do? Wow. Never. And you get this superpower. You get to see who the real you was. Yeah. Once you uncover that thing, what's about to come out, if you stick to the program, what's working the program? I have to go to a meeting eight times a day. That's bullshit. Yeah. I want you to go to a meeting once a day. I want you to wake up every day with the intention that you're there to make someone's day, whether you give them $1,000 or open up a car door for them so their day is better. Sobriety isn't just fighting off the devil. It's us emorphing into the new us and figuring out what the fuck the drugs have covered, what views have been covered by the drugs, what part of our lives have been hidden. Oh, yeah. And that's when you're going to, a woman will pop into your life. She gets knocked up in two months, and she's going to give you twins, and they're beautiful two girls. You know, this is the things that I'm saying, to you, look, you just bring that to me. Yeah. Because your options are so much. When you're sober from the shit that almost killed you. I mean, how long was I going to continue to do it, bro? How long was I going to go to prison again? Yeah. Put me in fucking prison, you know? And I still went out the next week. That's the monster that addiction is. But once you cut that motherfucker's head off. Yeah. The shit that comes out of you, man, it takes a while. But you'll start thinking things. I'm going, I never thought like that before. Oh, yeah. I mean, the best times I've ever had, I think, are the best. Yeah. The time I've operated the best in my life has been times when I've been sober, you know? And most of the time, it's been that way. But it's like when it's gotten off where it hasn't been, it's definitely, it's been tough, you know? And then you start to get isolated, too. That never helped me. Sometimes it was like overtouring. That didn't help me. But, yeah, I've always gone to meetings, you know? I just have. There was just, there was a time where, yeah, like, in the past probably six months has been tough to keep a lot of time together, you know? But now it's back on track. And so that's been the best feeling. But I appreciate that. And I've always. I got your back, man. I got your fuck. Even though I'm 20 miles, 2,000 miles without you, I think about you three, four times a week. I don't like bothering you because I know you're on, you're in different time zones every 15 fucking minutes. You're in a different time zone. Yeah. But I want you to know I have your back. I'm cheering for you. I'm cheering for you because I really want you to get the happiness that you've been looking for for years, for years. It might not be a woman. It might not be a kid. It might not be a horse. You're going to feel. This is way better than a peptide. Yeah. No peptide. No blowjob. Nothing can make you feel what you're about to feel once those fucking rocks start getting out of the way and the real you comes out. What did you notice for yourself? Like, was there one kind of thing or two things that really made you feel? There was something right off the bat that I had forgotten in all my addiction. The first thing I forgot was that I was a fucking man. And there's a certain way to talk to me and there's a certain way not to talk to me. Whether you're a talent agent, a producer, a director, you're going to talk to me a certain way. And I'm going to give you the same mutual respect. And I remember one night I flipped out of the fucking direct on a commercial shoot and everybody loved it because the guy went on. He's one of those guys that comes up with the sleeves rolled up to show the tattoo. Oh, yeah. With the feather and the Chinese assistant. Some fake ass orphan or whatever. And I found myself sticking up for myself more. Not giving a fuck about because what I really gave a fuck wasn't ruining my career. It was ruining my little secret that I might not be able. I'm not going to stick up for myself because I won't be able to snort coke three nights from now. Once I didn't have that no more, I became a fucking animal. That's it. You're going to treat me like a man, bitch. I'm not one of these motherfuckers in Studio City. Oh, my God. I brought you a cake. Nah. Nah. Nah. Yeah. I got talent, motherfucker. All right. I don't have to show up with nothing. Right. It was things like that that I started like in L.A. I started, you know, people call you, hey, it's 3.40 in the afternoon. You want to go to this audition at 6 downtown? Can I ask you a question? Were you sending your mother down there at 6? Yeah. Why are you sending me down there? Fuck you. Fuck you. Yeah. Sticking up for yourself. Not in a weird way. Nuh-uh. I'm very appreciative that you got me an audition, but just the things that Hollywood gets you confused. Yeah. They start trying. They start trying. They start trying. Yeah. They start tripping your brain up a little bit. And when you see them, those guys are all the same. Yeah. They talk a big game until you say, how about I slap you in the mouth and watch what happens? Mm-hmm. The police get involved. Oh, this is not right. Yeah. But when you did it, it was right. When you walk around this set and embarrass people and talk, you know, to women. Just f***ing around. I heard the director tell a woman she was too fat. Yeah. I don't want you standing over there. He didn't say nothing about the lighting. He just blatantly, because he thought he could do that, tell this girl that was like 28, you're too fat. I can't. I can't have you standing there. When I heard that, I was like. Yeah. And you take that s*** because you think that's part of your career. You think it's part of it. F*** you, motherf***er. F*** you. A lot of these Hollywood dudes, they get bad. They get bad. They give bad. They give a bad name to real cool gay dudes and regular f***s or whatever. They ruin them. Regular f***s. Because they're. Because they ruin them because they're trying to be f***ing cool. That s***. That s*** was holding me back. Your original thoughts of how you feel. Yeah. Every religion you're part of. Yeah. There's something that you paid attention to younger. Now you feel stronger about it. Yeah. There's so many things that you see that have been cut off from your life. And you're like, how did I forget that? Yeah. How did I forget this? Yeah. Some disconnection. In a nutshell, I think it's hard. But I want to be on this planet when you start reaping the rewards from that. Because I want you to call me every three months and go, Joey, this is getting f***ing crazy. Wow. This is getting f***ing crazy. I'm not talking about you and Violet and Orange. Life is going to get crazy. Yeah. Numbers are going to start changing. People are going to start changing. It gets real. And this is what you were supposed to feel since day one. When I started coke and I do a show the next night, it would be great. I would kill. But I could feel the connection wasn't there. I'm connected now. I've been connected for 17 years now. Yeah. I know exactly what passes through my mouth and how it goes out. So if I could give anything to anybody, I want you to feel it. I want you to feel that. What I feel because I know it's going to solve 89% of your problems. Yeah. I could promise you that. I could gamble my life on that. If you stick to this program you're on right now. A couple of weights. You're not doing like, you don't have to become Mr. N.A. and get a tattoo. Yeah. No, I don't need all of that. You don't need all of that. Just where your heart is, you're going to be a f***ing killer. You're a killer now. I just need to keep my, yeah, I just got to keep building more time. And right now, I don't know, I clock you at 40. You're going to have the last, you're going to have the last, you're going to have the last, 20 years of your life be how you intended to live them. And that's something I can't sell you. And that's something N.A. can't sell you. And I love those programs because those programs really help you. I didn't like the Hollywood N.A. I went to it a couple of times and I stopped selling coke. It would drive me back to snort coke because they don't adhere to the program. Well, sometimes they have dudes in there selling coke. Yeah, they're selling coke. They go to a doctor that gives them replacement pills to get you high. They all come up with it. I still remember being at that meeting. It was on, I think, off the, no. Off of Santa Monica Boulevard? Yes. I went to a couple of them there. Too many people had N.A. tattoos. Yeah. People have like a bag of coke tattooed on them and shit like that. You know. Have a fucking, they had a gay dude in there who was always sucking on people. He had a fucking big gulp tattoo, that gay dude, that big black dude. They call him the vacuum or whatever that motherfucker, bro. Dude, no. You're not even, take your wiener out around that guy, it'll end up in his mouth. But yeah, it was a trying time over there. Very trying. Yeah. But yeah, dude, thank you, bro. I appreciate it. That's my gift to you because I love you. You're the real deal. I've always loved you. It's easy, so. Love you too, bro. That's what I want you to really get in your life, so. Well, I appreciate that, dude. Yeah, I'm, I feel better than ever that I'm. You look better than ever. Thanks, bro. I can see it. And this time out of all the other times, I see a little bit more confidence in your eyes. I watch your podcast, dog. I watch it. I watch you. You know, whenever I see a video of you jumping up and down in Vanderbilt, I look at you and I make sure you're out to eat. Yeah, I was fucking gooning out there. You ate last night and, you know. Yeah, Lane Kiffin's got people out there. He's, he's two losses away from probably getting busted for something, but TBD, that's his life, dude. That's it, brother. He keeps things exciting. What else? I'm trying to think if there's anything else you want to talk about. I mean, anything else you wanted to talk about, Joey? No, I'm pretty good. I got it out of my chest when I wanted it for you and I love you and that's it. Appreciate it, bro. We could promote some dates or whatever, but I don't give a fuck. I have nothing in September. I have the 30th in Brooklyn. Can you pull his dates out? And that's all I got, brother. Just happy to be here with you. I'm happy you came to New Jersey and. Yeah, right there. We got Brooklyn, New York, September 30th. Chicago Theater, November 5th. For the Comedy Festival with Bert. I think I got a Riverside Theater. I got Milwaukee on the 7th. Oh, that's going to be beautiful, dude. So that's where I'm at. But who gives a fuck about the dates? We'll put them up. Yeah, we'll figure this out, brother. Coco Diaz, bro. Love you, bro. Love you, brother. Thanks for thinking of me and have a great week and I'll see you. I'll see you in Austin. Next month. Now I'm just floating on the breeze And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone Oh, but we're not alone ♪ And when I reach that ground ♪ ♪ I'll share this piece of my life ♪ I can feel it in my bones But it's gonna take a little Kelly Clarkson here with Wayfair. I know holiday magic starts at home, and Wayfair makes it easy. They have everything from Christmas trees and mantel decor to outdoor lighting and inflatables that I'll use year after year. Head to Wayfair.com today. Wayfair, every style, every home.