#681 Brain Queef

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hitter in the face of the surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah this Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy whoa is that an opening I don't know why not that's dark I'm ready open my asshole looking there with a light you got to start because otherwise it's just Chuck talking about pumpkins that's true every time I see this guy's at a pumpkin patch he's patch Adam's never ends up guy oh is that this pumpkin patch or is that that pumpkin patch I know you're like the white lady at Starbucks got to have my pumpkin latte you don't even have a kid this just him and his pretend girlfriend going to look at pumpkins that should be a test you should open a pumpkin patch without a kid you're going to jail yeah get the hell out of here pumpkins predator if you see people like that a pumpkin growing contest the biggest pumpkin the smallest pumpkin I don't get the pumpkins then there's a gourd what's gourd oh gordy how don't get me started on the gourd you know those weird long wiggly ones I think that's a gourd yeah it's like a pumpkin with a boner yeah oh that's me a pumpkin is a gourd so it's a gourd the umbrella is a gourd I like the smashing pumpkin saw them in 96 sure that 2012 here we're done a blumkin that's your shit and they blow you yes exactly no but I had a woman blow me while pissing famously and it was loud it sound like it was like that she broke the tile that was the Plattsburg story wow just a piss broke tile no no I think just the hoofs she's like she was like ruppered in a wig I mean she was big like Texas and pumpkin and she was sitting on the toilet sucking me off and then she pissed and it was like it's not like a soda fountain that went awry yeah my wife has a wacky firehose Sarah too okay good I can hear it from downstairs it's like he sounds like a cat angry well here's what we have in an our household when I lift the toilet lid the bottom is just got like like starburst yellow speckles because her piss is like going this way because the pussy points this way go chit sprays up so I have to go and wipe off I have to like scrape it oh yeah it's just yellow mustard on the bottom of our toilet because these women when she doesn't pick water what my wife drinks a half a cup of water a month really and her piss looks like day quill what is she a soda pop gal a juice fix coffee and like diet coke or something like that oh you gotta get the water in there lady I'm telling you actually don't drink it she'll have a cold and I'm like you got a drink water and she's like I don't think so hydrate yeah crazy cool oh I got two waters right here I'm all water this is a barrel I got here yeah you got to drink the water water oh the nut went in my ass oh you got this thing I might have come off that's pretty loose that thing won't come off I've tried with a soldering iron it won't budge more his wigs don't come off wow piss it on the wall yeah these lady it sounds like that chit that thing to clean the keyboard oh you know what I mean it's all air here up there well anyways yeah so a lady blew me on the toilet and she was huge and then the tile bro I don't remember the tile the moment it broke that was a little fucked up myself but that was the famous story with Tom and I and then he was fucking a grandma who's on her period and wow that's a double whammy and then the lady asked my phone number and I gave my phone my actual phone which was a home phone this is pre-cell phone landline gave my parents landline 447 3847 because Tom was there and I thought Tom would be like that's not his number and then Tom Adams is like I would never do that but I'm like I don't know I've heard you say the end word right with black people around you know whatever like that's not true but you know with other ball busty things that is funny when you you try to preemptively catch a ball bust and then they go I wouldn't do that I'm like that's my whole childhood is you doing shit like that yeah we're like I always walk up a flight of stairs my hand of my asshole people like what do you do you don't trust me I'm like no I don't you need my ass for 20 years so anyways so then she called my mother she called my mother answered yeah I gave her a good time I mean she's 380 pounds if she's a foot yeah for a time call Joe I mean I fucked her from Christmas to Halloween I guess so so she called my parents and my mother's like hello wow she's like this is the tile driver she's like does he know who you are and then the lady was like oh he knows who I am whoa and I was 21 years old and I had to hear my mother do the impression of this fat seward she's like yeah lady named Sue called who seward ho and I said does he know who you are she said you better believe he knows who I am and the implication was I ain't her out because I ain't her out oh man geez Louise well did you dad show up and fix the bathroom floor no this is a hotel okay this is a hotel Plattsburg New York we went and did a one-nighter with Bob Seibel who has to be dead he was somebody then she put the whole hotel but yeah we were like we're getting laid I don't care and we went outside Tom went to smoke and they were smoking and they were I'm not kidding I mean she was FAT fat but to be a grandma and menstruating is a is a strange cross hairs because you got to be old enough to have two generations out of your clam but also young enough to be leading out of there well you got to think my wife is 48 years old okay and she has her period not right the second but she has one oh really what does that end I think right between 48 and 58 somewhere somewhere in there you're almost done I think so so she has a period and right now if she had a grandchild it wouldn't even be crazy well because Marty would be that'd be he'd be getting a work well but I'm saying like be 48 my mother was a grandmother when she was 48 okay and my aunt is 48 and she's a grandmother and it's not even like whoa a teenage pregnancy it's like you have a kid when you're 20 and they have a kid when they're 24 that's true that's pretty standard so I think yeah not that crazy I guess so I guess I thought that the menstruation ended earlier see my lady threw me for a loop because she was on the old IU anal the explosive device the IUD so she never menstruated so it was just building up blood inside of her for years but the IUD they stick at some period sometimes I think I never saw a drop now do you feel the IUD because they're what smile I feel it it's like a it's like a barbed wire in there it's not good not great it was like a chain link fence the end of it you can just tap it with your dawn it's so what I do is I take a bottle of the loop like toothpick I just stick it in there and squeeze it so it'll smooth out the fence oh I hit it with WD yeah that's not bad that little red straw really helped wicked dildos oh yeah wicked dildos here but any parts where we just got to jump into this I don't know I got I got a I got a saga but it's loopy saga Genesis all right saga give me the song okay well buckle up because it's a comedy of errors oh that's that's your thing that's your ticket well I don't know what's going on with me I had a brainquee first off I was on all this medication from I had the flu or the Jew whatever I had the flu game and I so I got the hard stuff remember I called the guy and he gave me the the the the max oh crazy so I was on the hard stuff then our old pal Andrew Youngblood was in town and he goes I love young blood yeah good egg but he goes hey I I was having some trouble sleeping so I went to the doctor they gave me a thousand sleeping pills I don't like them they're too much they make you groggy they make you crazy do you want them and I said who you talking to I'm a Susambi man so give me the sleeping pills so he gave me this bag of pill we met at a bar handed me a bag like that and it was all crinkly and wrinkled and greasy like the condoms from Kramer yes exactly like a Philly cheese steak on fresh prince and I took that bag home and I got Trasa mofo and inward a peen all these crazy names and you know you're like take half of this once a year you're like I don't take three of those whatever so I'm on the hard stuff with the medication and I'm taking crazy sleeping pills so my brain went out Jerry it fell out it got good to be wow prior thank you all right so my brain was mush on a Tuesday it was like an old bowl of cereal that'd been let out in the rain and so got a flight flight to Portland and I'm a little wonky I get up it's my day to get up with the baby get the baby up wonky drop the kid he falls down the stairs put some clothes on him get him some breakfast break him to school and then I go right to the airport all right now JFK sure standard now you ever have this one you ever go all right I got my bag I'm on the LIRR go into the JFK it's 10 in the morning then you go I made it kids in school. I'm off to the airport got a big weekend. Let me listen to a tune No headphone Now you have that thing where you're like I'm on the train. Yeah, I could run back to trains two blocks, right? What do you think? A headphone for the weekend no headphone for the weekend now. We're different kinds of guys That's good. I would go. Oh, I'll just buy a new set of fucking headphones at the airport. Right. I also Would be in a car or not public transportation to the airport because you make $75 million a year But that's these are small subtle differences. Sure. We're different people I don't know I guess I guess I would run back probably if I'm right there you're right there and I had 11 minutes to spare 11 minutes to spare that's pretty good and this thing leaves on time. It's a little bit of the train leaves Yeah, the train leaves at 11 minutes. Oh really no brain. Okay, 11 minutes takes 50 seconds to get over there Exactly and you get a little rush you go fuck it. I'm running back. Uh-huh. So I run back. Okay. I run back. I go up the stoop boom Kick the stoop Broke my toe. Oh I'll show you it's purple. It's black. It's blue. It looks like Rihanna. What shoes were you wearing? I was wearing these I just ca- I just kicked it and hit the right way On the fucking stoop go and broke the toe. I mean I've been paying here. I had to sit down for a second like Scarlett Johansson and What's that film called It's one of my favorite ones. No the other one lost a translation. She breaks her toe. Is that right? Yeah, that's a hell of a picture. If they sit at the end you're broken toe bitch. Yeah, they go to the air The hospital the guys are all the all the boy. Ah, yes, it's a classic Okay, was that a Star Wars figure? I don't know who that was, but then but I think the broken toe they can't do anything You got to ice it and tape it. No ice. No tape. No, Nana. So I'm I'm laying on the stoop like like family guy going And then you the clock's ticking. Well, you got these stairs so fast. I know mother I'm like slow down on the stairs. I felt this way since I first met you. Is that right? It's not a race Oh, well, it was a race. I had to get home. I had to get to the train I know, but even when there's no race you're sprinting up and down the stairs. I've thought this for years I'm like someday he's gonna break all his teeth. Yes, the way he ascends and descends these stairs. Well, you're not lying fatty cuz you got Stair problems. I'm a stare master. So the wife's cool. What the fuck's going on? I'm on the stoop like She's like well, I thought you were one of the Portlanders. She thought I made up the whole thing So I go I laid there so long I had to go so I couldn't even get the headphones No pods now I hobble back to the train you couldn't have sent her for the pods. I got my pods bitch my toe hurts She was on the phone or see it as she was cooking. I don't know. Something was going on all right, so I just go Ah, I'll show you the toe the records. So I get back on the train So now I got a broken toe and no headphone. Oh boy. So the whole thing was moot So now I'm like ah, I'm feeling sorry for myself. Whatever now. Here's the here's the clinker I'm flying from JFK to Salt Lake City connect Go to Portland. That was the only available flight. It's a whole thing all right. So I finally, you know I get to the airport. I go to Hudson news. I steal some Topane some wire headphones. Oh, okay. I stole a towel. I hope that I wrote it out all right So I got the wire headphones, which is such a you can take 48 street sleeping bills But you won't take a box of tile and I'll broke a toe. Well, you know, I earned it. I see so you know, the brain's mush I wouldn't even think about the tile. I was just like I got to get these headphones don't they give you free headphones in the plane Well, that's for this for the TV. I got a cell phone here podcast phone calls The same is the same. What are you kidding? No, it's not what one goes there's a zone. Yeah, one goes into a circle jack This is a dick jack. Oh, you got the USB-C one. I got I got yeah Those American airplane headphones are a different thing. Yeah. Yeah, that's very different very different But by the way, you go back to wire headphones. This is a In superior in superior inferior some of the kids love the one. I know Sarah likes the wire What? Yeah, come and show people hate bluetooth why bluetooth because lots of bluetooth won't work I remember time I rent a car which is every week. It takes me 45. I'm like punching the fucking mirror I've never gotten a rental car to do bluetooth ever somebody's subway take was Children walking by the windows open. Oh, good. Oh, it's a whole school. That's fine. That's fun. Gee Linked up like a chain guy. I know I bumped into my kid like that one day. It was horrible He started crying. He was like daddy. I want to go home. Yeah, that's really bad mix signals But anyways, yeah, the kids people don't like the Bluetooth. Wow. I mean, I get the rental car I think I've never had it sink and on the plane. They say it sinks up I've never gotten that's exactly. Yeah, so anyway, I was gonna say someone some way take was bluetooth never works Oh, completely true, but I see what you mean. I see what you mean, too because it works with the phone every time it goes Yes, so I got the why and you hear everything. There's no noise canceling you get the tangled it's in your jacket It's around your neck. It sticks, but whatever. So I Fucked up broke it toe no phones deal with it. Oh boy. So I watched to kill a mockingbird What a great movie the original the original black and white Gregory Peck. Uh-huh. Yes. Yes The lock word though. I'm watching it. It's based in the 40s or something and Mississippi. It sounds right. The N52 N word Prevalent. Yeah, so the lady comes up to go as you want something to drink. I went Pause Dad, I heard you were an N word lover I almost took a photo of it right the guy next to me went Jesus Christ like it's just N word on the TV because I do the closed captions. Uh, so that was awkward, but Here we go Ride it out with the headphones watching movies whatever get to Salt Lake City and I go, okay. It's 150 flight leaves it three Flight leaves it three. Oh, it's not like city. Yeah, I got you. I got it's 150. I'll hit the lounge. I'll pick out I'll get a cocktail. I'll look at my toe. Uh, she touched my leg. So I go to the lounge. I bump into a waitress who works at wise guys She's in there. We chat another guy. Hey, can I get a photo? Hell yeah Food was great great lounge great time and I go. Oh, it's almost three. I better get over there. I go to my gate Three o'clock the planes gone The flight was at three. I showed up at three. The brain is mush. Oh, do you see what I'm dealing with? I mean I see I've never done that. I've been flying every week for the last 28 years. I have never done that ever in my life. I showed up at the flight Leaving time No, I've never done that. I sat at the lounge eating rice and beans like I'm never calling in the thing. I'm going Mark Norman. Please. Yeah, I'm chit chat with some waitress. I ate out in 1988 and having a good time. Oh, how you doing sir comedy? All right Here we go. Look at that toe crazy. Huh wired headphones. These are a bitch. I'm surprised they didn't page you in the Lounge. Yes, because sometimes they'll do that and sometimes you get a text right? I got no text either. Were you flying delta? Yeah, a big deal No, I get 17 texts. I get like you flights boarding soon. Your time your zone is now If you find this gay, they're literally listening to us. These kids are reacting to us Delta Burke go to school. You stay in school kids. Yeah, don't do drugs So you show up and the gayness club. What do they say? I walked up? I mean there was no one there was like cobwebs It was that far gone where the plane was the plane gave me one of these, you know the pilot did that I can see the plane like beep beep. It was like dumb and dumb or I ran right up the tarp That's crazy to think they were just announcing a day frantically going we're gonna close it This is the last call and they know you're in the building. I know I know on a connection so I'm very aware that you are there They must thought I just died passed out, you know, got a terrorist something or others So I'm just at the gate. I was stunned. I was like, oh my god. I can't believe I fucked up this bad for no reason. There wasn't like a Lapson judgment. It was just a complete mistake, right and I just stared at the gate like Gate D7 Portland Doors closed no one's there And by the way, it's 3 p.m. You're kind of pushing it anyways. That's true. That's still another two-hour flight for hour and a half at least Yeah, so I texted my manager and I go I missed my connection. He goes, oh, were they delayed? Yes, delayed. I've got so many travel text. I've never spoken to my manager about travel one time That's the whole things embarrassing. I'm ashamed here. I'm ashamed. Yeah Hey folks, this door is broken by Shopify It's the busiest time of year for business get in on the action and bring your business idea to life Which Shopify Shopify is the e-commerce platform for a record-breaking reliable holiday selling season at every stage Shopify's pre-built Website themes and AI site builder make it easy to launch a professional store without coding Run your store from anywhere with Shopify's mobile app which lets you track inventory handle customer support take payments and more Right now is the time of year when people are shopping and ready to buy take advantage of it and launch your business before black Friday. That's what I call my neighborhood every Friday. If you're ready to launch your business before Black Friday, go to Shopify.com/tuesdays. Just start your free trial. That's Shopify.com/tuesdays. Go to Shopify.com/tuesdays. Today to hear your first. Thank you. Tuesday's story is sponsored by Blutchoo. If you haven't heard of Blutchoo yet, here's the deal. Blutchoo is your cheat code for more fun, more passionate sex. Blutchoo gold is basically better sex in a tablet. It gets your rock card and lets you rock out in the bedroom. Blutchoo gold is three times stronger five times faster and eight times longer lasting. Golly. Oh boy. Then the generic stuff your grandma head in the sock drawer. No in-person doctor visits and no waiting rooms. It's a simple online process. It's very easy. These guys are the best. Blutchoo gold is generational innovation from the number one brand for better sex. Experience it for yourself at Blutchoo.com. We got a special deal for Tuesdays with stories fans right now. When you buy two months of Blutchoo gold, you get the third free with promo code Tuesdays. That's promo code Tuesdays. You will also receive an additional 10% off plus free overnight shipping on your first order. Visit Blutchoo.com for more details and important safety information. We thank Blutchoo for sponsoring the pod and the bedroom. Look at that. So he goes, okay, I don't know what's going on here, but I got you on a 5 p.m. Oh boy. So you're going to land at seven. What time's the show? Seven. All right. And but I had a lot. I wanted to shit shower and shave. I'm greasy. I'm gay. I'm covered in jizz. I got no toe. So now you're just like, God damn it. How did I fuck this up? So I get on the next flight, whatever. You got to buy the next flight. That's, you know, $600. Fuck up. At least. Yeah. At least. So bought the flight, got on the flight, landed. And they go, the club was so nice. They go, we'll get you a car. So you don't have to fuck around with it. Uber. Just get off the plane, get in a car and come to the club. Okay. And I said, you got it. So I get off the plane. I run down there. And I'm waiting for the guy with the placard, with the Norman, you know, and he's not there. So I call him. I got the contact. Call him. He goes, ooh, yeah, yeah. I'm a, I'm a, I got the call late. So I'm like 20 minutes out. Like 20 minutes out. Well, the Civic Northwest, the traffic go, Jerry. I guess so. So I go 20 minutes. It's no good. I go on in 20 minutes. You know, so I got an Uber. Now here's where I'm a piece of shit. Uh huh. I mean, a couple other places I could point out, but sure. So I go, you know, if I get an Uber, Uber will be here in two minutes. I clocked at 16 minutes to the club. 18 minutes of the hotel. How about I get that shower in? I mean, I go to the hotel, I shower, and I got to the club. I made it right on time. Well, going to the hotel and showering. I mean, that's the same amount of time it would take to wait for their car guy. Good point. Good point. So you know, that's what I said. Okay. So you go to the, it's a, now you got to go to the hotel. Now you have to check in. They do that. I know. We have breakfast from eight to six. We have bowl from nine to 10. Well, this is the part about life that no one tells you about. So I get to the hotel. I'm like, okay, I made great time on the highway. Here we go. You run in and you just assume, like, I'm Mark Dorman. Here's my credit card. No, just give me up to the room. That's what you think is going to happen. It's like that scene in Blues Brothers when they finally make it. It's this back at five. Right. Yeah. They got the army chasing them in the national guard. And then you're like, exactly, exactly. Perfect example. But it was even worse than that. Get to the hotel. I run in. There's an old lady at the desk who goes at like a room for the night. Just one guy behind the desk. He's like, do you have a reservation? No, I'm just cold. She's a crazy old bag. That's a crazy old coat at the desk. Just going how much is a night? He's like, it's a nice hotel man. A night here is, I don't know, $211. And she's like, oh, okay. Maybe I'll just do one night. I'm so cold. Can I see the room? The guy's like, see the room. And she's like, seal this trick in the book. And you're like, what is this? When this has never happened in history. And now I got some bag lady off the street who happened to just wander into a nice hotel. Oh my god. And so eventually, I'm tap dancing. I'm doing this shit. You know, here we go. I'm twiddling my fingers and eventually goes, man, do you mind? I'll show you the room. Well, let me check this guy in first. She goes, okay, whatever, whatever works. So then he checks me in. And he's, he goes, so the restaurant opens and I just go, I can't do it. I've been a hurry. Just give me the key. And he was like, oh, geez. All right. Gave me the key. Run upstairs. Shit shower. Shame. Just give me the damn number. Yes, exactly. So Pajik, Mr. Herbin, come back down, jump in a new Uber. Get to the club. Host is on show starts. Gonna, gonna host at a middle. We made it. Things are coming down. Blood pressure is dropping. Then, geez. He's like that with a backpack going up the steps. He's doing the steps. It's about my stoop. They always because it's the last one. All right. He always sit on that one. But so then the host goes on. He's a four minutes into his 20 minutes set. Turn the lights on. We got an emergency heart attack. Oh my god. This club has all kinds of crazies. That's where I had the guy beat the lady with a glass and I had to call 911. Oh, that's right. Whoa. Heart attack. The lights come up. Oh, I'm in the green room. I can hear his leg. How's he doing? Stop the show. Ma, get his legs. By the way, last time I was there, the smoke alarm went off. The whole alarm went off. The last two times I had a beating at the police game and then the next time I had the alarm go off, then you had a heart attack. Portland's a wild town. I mean, it is a mishmosh of hipsters, hobos, crackheads, and pastry arki. Well, I think there's a whole other thing going on with Portland. You got that right, Fanny. So this poor kid's whole second's derailed and then I go out eventually and it's like the longest travel day ever, broken toe, no headphones. And I just bombed for a full hour. It was one of those sets where like, I couldn't get them. We had the heart attack. My toe was no good. It was bad. Oh boy. So that was Thursday. They just settle into the weekend at least. Had a great weekend after that. All right. Boy, what a Thursday. What a ride. What a toe. And I'm going to send you a photo. I took a photo of the toe is here's the toe. Looks like an eggplant. Look at this toe. I'm Batman. Is this a toe? Yeah, yeah. I got a toe here. Step on it. It's safe and sound back at the end of the line. Yeah. So I had to to Jimmy Rig at myself because you know, I didn't want to go to the hospital. So I got some paper towels on there. I got scotch tape on there. But yeah, you can see you can see the remnants of the purple still there. I don't care for a toe. I got a better shot of it before it, it lighted out. I hate a man toe. It's very wacky. I get it. I get it. I just wanted to show you that we're not, we're not fucking around here. So did you ever go to a doctor? No, you can't fix a toe. That's what they say. You just tape it and you ride it out. I said, rest, I used compression elevation. Okay. Well, I was just hobbling around Portland. I looked like, I fit in. I looked like one of the fucking methods. So what is that hockey tape? I guess so. I found it in the drawer. Wow. Yeah. So tough sledding out there. But what a weekend. See you made it back. Made it back last night and missed the party. Kids sick is a dog. He's still sleeping. This kid won't wake up. I'm like really worried about him. Yeah, we had a hell of a party. But you're going to miss it anyway. If you're coming from Portland. I guess so. But yeah, I was going to come and relieve her. And then she wanted to go. Uh-huh. She likes doing things. She likes a party. Yeah. And but I got home and she was like, this kid's too fucked up to do anything. Right. That sucks. Yeah. She texted. She's like, I'll bring him anyways. And I was like, what are you crazy? Well, that's a thing. I always say that you're ZZ's out of here. Other people don't want a sick kid around. No, no, they don't. So well, we had a hell of a time over there. Yeah. Any highlights? Any low lights? It was fun. Salacus came by for about 10 minutes. Yeah. He had to go do something. Left me a camera. And well, Salacus is fun because last time I had a party, I was like two and a seven. He's shut up at 11.30 a.m. with his whole family. So texted. I said, come by around two, two to three for you. Yeah. And then he said, noon it is. And I said, ha, ha, ha. And then he showed up at 201. All right. That's pretty good for him. And then Salacus, you know, he's an adorable guy. He's a sweet boy. We give him a hard time. And he's the best. He goes, I got a gift from Marty. I go, okay, great. He goes, he goes, it's a family heirloom. He pulls out a spider-man t-shirt. He's like, this belong to my grandfather. He gave it to my dad. My dad gave it to me. Charlie had it. And now I'm giving it to Marty. And I'm like, we're not in your family. Oh, yeah. Good point. You can't sum up Salacus better than the sweetness, the kindness, the thoughtful gesture that is kind of retarded. Yeah. He's like, this has been in our family for 50 years. And now it's time for Marty to take it. I'm like, but you have a son. Yeah, it's exactly. He could have a boy. What happens if Charlie has a kid? He's fucked. He's going to have to look me up and be like, what happened to that old retired comedian? I got to find him because he's got my heirloom. Right. Well, Charlie's kid's going to be shirtless. He's going to be walking around bare chest because he's got no spider-man t. And this thing's beautiful. It's a beautiful, vintage spider-man. It's the kindest, most thoughtful gift. But I'm like, I feel like this should at least van should get it. You guys have lunch every day. I don't even respond to the fellow. I guess, but I'm not. Maybe either. I don't want you. - At least you're Italian and you talk. - Yes, but no, that's hilarious. It was the best and it's sweet. - He's wearing it today. - That's the, oh that's great. - Yeah, it worked out, oh yeah. - That's what's great about Celcius. We'll be like, all right, let's have lunch. We'll meet at two on Wednesday and I'll get a text at 11.09 and he goes, I'm early. Early, it's 11.09. - Well, he does this all the time. We did, Sash. I'm like, hey, you wanna come hang out at Sash? You don't have to even take photographs. Let's just hang out and he's like, all right. I'm like, I'll see you there at 6.30. And then he's like, I'm downstairs. You wanna get Chipotle? I'm like, no, I'm with my child. - All right, right. - But he's a good egg and it also felt like maybe he just was like, shit, I should've got a gift. Then he just grabbed a shirt and said it was an heirloom. - Ah, true dad. - You can't tell, but. - Makes sense. - But it was a good party. A bunch of buddies, every single person brought a gift except for one guy I want you to take a guess. - Rana. - You nailed it. - Oh, the Hebrew. - One for one. - Hell yeah. - One guess, one shot, one kill. Yeah, he claimed he went somewhere else. - Well, he went, he's three. - Three, big three. - Now what do you get of three year olds? - Well, let me see, Karen got him two trucks, one of them remote control. Her and Stavros, they made a low for best gift. - Two remote controls, that's how I end. - That was crazy. Well, did we tell you this story last year? Karen shows up with a bicycle. - Oh my lord. - My son's first bike is from a prostitute. - Game from Karen, she didn't even discuss it with us. She didn't call and say, you guys get the bike. She just shows up in the box, the size of my asshole. - She's the town bike. - And he opens and he cried. He was like, oh my god, a bike. And she put a helmet on him and he rode off. - Oh man. - You know, I don't know what's going on here. We've had about 14 African American people just stopping to stare at us. - Yeah, it's like a safari. - But where are the animals? - Yeah. - Boy, you flipped that on us. - We had to clarify. - Yeah. (laughing) - So anyways, so, yes, Karen got them two monster trucks. Stavros showed up with a monster truck that breaks in half and says, smash. - Wow. - And then you put it back together. - Holy moly. - Matt Wayne and his wife brought a, it's called a sensory bin. It's like kinetic sand, which I enjoy. And I was playing with that. It's like squishy sand. - They have it at the comedy works condo. - Okay. - Salah Q's brought an old shirt. - Yep. (laughing) - An heirloom. - What else did we have there? Who else was there? Oh, Shivon came. He brought a transformer. - Damn. - And she, you know, - There's Jenner. - Yeah, I hid that 'cause I don't want him to transition. - Sure. - Oh, and then Mike and Katie, they brought the stop rocket. You know the stop rocket? - Oh, it shoots the rocket on the foot. - Yeah, which is a great gift, but it's just in time for winter. We live in a one bedroom. I mean, the stop rocket's gonna shoot up through the building like fucking Gaza. So yeah. So a lot of fun, oh, then Vicki Sarah sister came and she brought some Lego things. What's that called? Like Kid Lego. What's got like a bunny on it? - Duplo? - Duplo. - Yes, yes. - We're in the Lego. - It's like a Lego, but I don't, Sarah's obsessed with Lego. Sarah likes instructions and putting things together. I can't, my brain doesn't work that way. I have a hard time with instructions. - It's a lot and it's hard to focus, but I think it's good for the kid, 'cause he'll have to hunker down and just sit with it. - Yeah, I like kinetic sand and mods. I'm like, whoa, it's a backflip. Batman's driving the stupid cars. - That's crazy. - But the Lego, it can only go one way. The mods truck can go gay by everything. - Yeah, and then the thing of Lego, take the piece A to piece B and then put it on platform D. I can't read and take things in like that. I don't work that way. - He starts shaking. Just let me eat it. - Yeah. - Put it in my ass. - But it was a great hang. I'll say this though, so I tell people, "Hey, we're gonna hang two to seven." And then Star Wars comes at 530. And he's like, "What's that two to seven?" I'm like, "No, no, you come at two and you're welcome to stay as late as seven." - Sure. - I show up for a kid's birthday at 530. He's half asleep, all the guests had left. - Oh, wow. - That he just parks his chubby ass there. And I'm like, "The food's all gone, "the pizza's all cold, the wine is all warm." - Yeah, and I missed those, no views. - But it was great, great hang, great time. And we missed you. - Yeah, what was it, the park? - No, just in the house. - Oh, wow, that's a lot of people in the house. - Well, the park people run around and, well, we haven't circled around. We told some stories, a lot of laughs at the ball on. It was a great hang, great time. - Any highlights? - We ordered, we did, what do you call that catering from parm, you know, parm? - No, I don't know parm. - It's like an Italian place, we got a big plate, and we had this thing that happens sometimes. You got a big old dish of pasta, Sarah bought it and picked it up. And then Matt and Christina take three bites and they're like, "Is there meat in this bite of chance? "They're vegetarians." - Oh, no. - Then you're like, "Oh, fuck." - Sorry. - Sorry. - And you're like, "Wow, the cake is meatin' it too." - Everything's got meat in it, the Legos, you name it. - My asshole, the stop rocket. - But, no, it was great. No highlight, just a lot of laughs and good zings. Ronon came late, which was nice, no gift, but it was fun, it was a great time. - It's kind of funny how a kid's party, it's just all adults. - Yeah. - Were there any other kids there? - Well, Van was supposed to come, but he bailed 'cause he was sick, and I thought Charlie was coming, but he got a shirt stolen, so he didn't wanna come. - It's too cold. - So, no kids, but some people do the kid's party. In fact, we went to a kid's party earlier in the day, but at that age, the kids don't, but they just run around. They're just fucking shooting around. - Exactly. - My party has one buddy he plays with, it's fun, but it just felt like our apartment's small, so you got to either rent to space, or you have parties in the park, and then you got to get all the stuff, and it was like, he doesn't really care, so we just kind of had adults come over and it was fun. - I'm sure he ain't a hoot. - Well, and then tomorrow at school, he brings cake pops, and they sing happy birthday into the whole thing, and then my parents are coming down to surprise him, which will be fun. We're gonna eat, and he shouldn't bust in our ass. - Big week. - Big week, and that what's great about an October birthday, 'cause you have that post-birthday depression come down, and bang, Halloween. - Yeah. - He's got Halloween, and then he has a school parade on Friday, then Saturday's the trick-a-treat. We go to the Ghostbusters house, and we go to the parades. That's a whole hip-de-hop hoop-de-hoo. And yeah, so that's a big fun fucking party week, and it gives you life for all these old things. It's Halloween to me, it was just like, "Ah, we'll watch a scary movie." But now it's like, we're going to the parade, we're going to the costume. - Yeah, what's he gonna be? - He's the Sky Skeleton. - The Sky Skeleton. - From Scooby-Doo, he's obsessed with Scooby-Doo. - Okay. - So Sarah's Daphne, I'm Fred, my sister Scooby-Doo, and he's the Sky Skeleton from episode two of season one of Scooby and Scrappy. - Oh, he's going a full specific ep. - Oh yeah, he likes the ghouls and the villains and the ghosts. He's obsessed with the ghosts and the goblins. - I love it, good for him. Halloween's gonna be right up his anal. I mean, it's all, I'm loving it, the V-man. We took him out yesterday, he wasn't pretty. It's like, taking up guy with polio out, you know? It's like, the sunlight hurts him. But he loves the decorations. - Oh yeah. - 'Cause he's just like, "What does a Skeleton and a spider "and a pumpkin on a porch for no reason?" I love it. - Yeah, it's the best. It's the best. He also went and got his years, three-year exam. He's like, and he loves the flu shot. He's obsessed with the flu shot. He's like, "When do I get my flu shot? "I want the flu shot." - Oh, weird. - And the doctor's like, it's, it's common. - When I watch that with a heroin needle's coming around. Oh, he loves it. Well, it was like, he's going to be a BDSM. He's going to be like, stepping on my balls. - Yeah. - But like, father like son. - I guess so. I want the old high heel up the pooper. But yeah, this kid, my kid's obsessed with spiders. He's, he's a hack. He's going Elmo. He loves Elmo. - He loves Elmo. It's like, it's something about that red bag that just kids love. - Hi, everybody. I'm Elmo. - And it just hits him right in the dick. - Well, almost fun and funny. And Tango, the dog. - Tango. - We loved, we loved the Tango. - But there's a thing with kids like, I think it's an octave. 'Cause Miss Rachel, you put Miss Rachel on. And kids are like, it's like a witch. - They're all high voice. They love the high. - I guess the high. Yeah, we gotta get some gays in here. - That's all Michael Jackson. - Learn 'em in. He was like, "Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi." - And then he came in their butts, yeah. - Right. It's the high. - So I gotta ask you the big question that everyone's asking everybody, all over America, all over the world. - Yeah. - Six inches. - And this is what's so amazing about what's happening. I was at your show, the other day, Good Eggs. - Yeah. - It's Ruby and Courtney McGinnis and Veter and Allie and the other person. - Good hang. - And I just say, hey, have you seen The Film? - The movie and everybody knows what I'm talking about. - I know. - I mean, what a time to be alive. I was talking to my friend who was depressed about AI and being an artist in the AI time. I'm like, you're all depressed. Meanwhile, a movie with three cameras in one light source that cost eight bucks to make is The Talk of the Town. - Yeah, I got that right. - And it's the biggest movie of all time. And talking, of course, about the new Whalefall. If you see Whalefall, but you saw Whalefall. - Is that a Rupert? - No, I mean, every time I've tried to look, it's sold out. And if it's not sold out, I look again and it sells out. - Well, so we're talking about, you can see everything, of course, and the new Nathan Fielder and Oppenheimer. Poor Lance Oppenheimer, I feel for this guy. No one's even mentioning him. - That's true. - Is that his name? Lance Oppenheimer. - Geez. - I think it's Lance, isn't it Lance? - I don't know. It's not Lance. I think it's Lance. I just never heard of Oppenheimer. It's definitely Oppenheimer. Wow. Hell of a bomb. Maybe it's not Lance. Am I fucking up on the Lance? I think it's Lance. Because he also directed Primetime, the Chris Hanson. Wow. This guy's busy. Yeah. I mean, he is an American director and film producer. So it's probably him, right? That's him. Yeah. And it's 30 years old. He's gonna hang myself. That's him. I wanted to do a back flip off of building when I found this guy's 30. He's made five features. He's killing it. He's got an obsession kid as young. He's like 10 years old. The back room kids like a fetus. Yeah. So anyways. So we go to see the movie. I got to see the movie. You know how I feel about Nathan Fielder. He's a genius. He's the greatest. It's unbelievable. I get so jealous. I hate podcasts. This guy's got mystique. I know. We got no mystique. He's cool. He's fascinating. He's smart. And you know what? You know what I love about Fielder? I bet people have been telling that guy's not funny his whole life. Maybe. Yeah. You know, he's one of these guys. He's unassuming. He's a nerd. He's quiet. So he's probably like, I want to be a comedian. Every black kid in this class went, man. This fucking nerd would be. Beep. Beep. But that you know. It's perfect. I don't know how many black kids are in this class. Oh, is that right? Yeah. Okay. Well, you know what I mean? Like I just he's not Chris Farley. No. On the coffee table shirtless. He's got. He's got a layers to him. He's layered. He's just a little genius. Yeah. But you know, people know what our feet look like. They know about my herpes. They know how I shave my boobs. This guy's mysterious, Jerry. I know. And he's just amazing. I mean, the guy's. He's my hero. And he built it up on YouTube. Yeah, originally. That's where he started. Well, I watched all the clips from this hour has 22 minutes. Which are all hilarious and great. Wait, what's that? That's the Canadian show that he started having a segment song. That's basically what I think it's called. Nathan. Nathan. Nathan. Nathan. For you, but not Nathan for you. It's on your side. Nathan on your side. Oh, yeah. And it's hilarious. And it's great. And there's so much great stuff on there. And the guy just fucking hits everything out of the park. So I'm dying to see the film. And I haven't had this feeling since I think like no country for old men. You're like, I got to see this movie as soon as I possibly can. Yeah. And then with the Hollywood. Oh, what's his eye? Yeah. So the movie's coming out. And I'm famous for this not thinking what not knowing what movie's going to be sold out and what's not. So I'm like, we'll go Sunday. We'll call my niece and said, hey, can you watch the baby for a couple of hours? I got a film. I got to go see. This is on Friday. So Friday. I'm like, well, why don't I just order the tickets now? You never know. It's got to do it. And our theater. All theaters. But our theater battery park. It's just dead all the time. I'd never see anybody in there. It's guys saving theaters. So I go look it up. Sold out. I'm like, that can't be. I go to the 10 a.m. Sold out. One p.m. Sold out. Three p.m. Sold out. And I'm like, is this right? The website's broken. Yeah. I go to the Alamo Drafthouse. 10 a.m. sold out. 11 a.m. sold out. I go to regal. Sold out. I go to Union Square. Sold out. I go to Brooklyn. I went in a 15 mile radius. Every screening sold out. Regal cinema. They had 9.30, 9.40. I'm not joking. 9.50, 10 a.m. 10.10, 10.20, 10.30. Sold out. Sold out. Wild. It's crazy. What is going on with this movie? So I'm furious. So we ended up booking Tuesday 11 a.m. at the Alamo Drafthouse in the financial district. Short walk to our house. Okay. So we go. I'm pumped. I can't believe we dropped the kid off at school. And now it's tricky. Because I didn't realize the movie is three hours. Mm. Movie starts at 11 a.m. They got 75 minutes of previews. The boy gets out of school at 2.10. Oh, you're cutting it close, Fanny. So I'm like, saying to Sarah, she's like, I'll leave early if I have to. I know what this means to you. I'm like, okay. You're gonna have to be the first good wife. So I go, okay, great. Oh, that was the squeaker. So we go over there 11 a.m. Screta. I get my M&Ms. I get my popcorn. I get my water. I get my dildo. 11 a.m. M&Ms. So I get in there. And nobody's there yet. I'm like, this is supposed to be sold out. I don't know where everyone is. I guess everyone knows the show up later. Lady comes in with a baby strap to her chest. Oh my. Oh, geez. I was a lady with a baby. Well, it's a little baby. I guess it's an infant. I assume they'll sleep. It's dark. Probably sleep long time. Bjorn. You got the Bjorn? Yeah. So I look over here. Lady with a baby strap to her. I'm like, it's weird. Yeah. What do you think here? I hear like, I don't know what I'm about. I look over here. It's a stroller getting pushed in. I go, what the fuck's going on here? And Sarah's like, oh my god. I know what this is. They have baby screenings. If you have a baby, you can bring your thing. So I go, are you fucking me? What the hell is the Nick you? I've been looking forward to this movie for a century. I can't wait for it to pump another baby. Another baby. I'm not joking. There's 27 babies in the screening. Oh my god. Everyone's got a baby over here. And then the aisles are lined up. They're all standing. They're all bouncing. And they're looking at each other like, huh? And we're the only assholes. And ironically, we have a toddler. But we don't have them because he's that school. 'Cause I'm gonna fucking baby do a movie theater. Yes. So it's just lined up. The whole wall is lined up with babies. And then over here are babies. Over there are strollers. It's the baby screening. What the fuck is going on? So do you watch the movie you haven't seen it yet? But it's people talking. It's a documentary. They're just sitting being like, I don't know. I didn't do it. I don't know. I swear to God. Yeah. And he's here. What? Oops. Oh no. And I'm so used to being the guy in the theater. It's like, you shut up, bro. Show you what it's like. Right. It's babies. And I'm the asshole that bought the baby screening. But I'm like, how did I not know this? I went to the back to the website to look at the next day. It doesn't say it anywhere on that. I don't know if it's like a Reddit thread or a Facebook thread. Yeah, that's crazy. But we're at the Alamo DraftHouse baby screening. So it's like climaxing. Wow. And it's whispering. And you're like, blah. They don't want to take their baby out because it's the climax. Now are you getting food there? Because it's the draft house they have a server. I hate the draft house. Yeah, I don't love it either. Because the guy next to you is like this. You see the phone light up. And the waiter comes in. Is your steak okay? I'm like, get the fuck out of here. It's a crazy system. It shouldn't work. It's insane. I hate it. I actually really hate it. I hate it. It's insane. I hate it. But so anyways, babies are crying. And then now I have the thing. I hate the phone. But you're like, I don't have a watch. The baby's getting out of school. My baby's getting out of school. So I'm looking. It's like 204. And you don't, it's not like a screen you can tap and see when the ending is. Sure. So I'm looking at Sarah like you said you were going to leave. But now the movie is so fucking good. She can't leave. So we're like, sing there. I'm like, it's 207. So I'm getting distracted. Because this baby's shitting and crying everywhere. And I'm like, we have to pick up our cell. We can't just leave him at school. Yeah. Movie ends at 208. His release time is 210 to 220. So as soon as the movie ends, we have to like throw our popcorn and spread. It was like a romcom. Wow. We're like running through the financial district. Being like, that's the best movie I ever saw. I can't believe that. Could you see that? That was crazy. What a masterpiece. We're hurtling homeless people. Oh my god. That'd be funny if you look over. The lights come on. Your kids been in there. Yeah. Take care of your kids. So anyway. It's the best movie I've ever seen in my life. It's fucking masterpiece. It's incredible. So I said Philly this weekend. It's probably worth the two best heliums. You Portland, be Philly. You got that right, Philly. So we go to see it again. Matt Wayne's there. He's like, I'm supposed to see it in my wife. And I'm dying to see it. I'm like, let's just go. So we go to see it in Philly. Now we're at the black theater. So this theater is sold out. Before I had the baby's crying, this whole screen is like this. Oh, she lied. This bitch lied. I'm not joking. Full volume. Now who's louder? Babies are black. The blacks. She's like, she lied through her teeth. And then this lady up here is like, you damn right, she's lying. Wow. And then there's like white people mixed in. And now in 2026, doesn't matter what black people do. White people have to be like, oh, I like that. So then-- Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to go with it. The black lady yells out. She's like, she's like, man, fuck this guy. And then like three white people over here are like, woohoo. Yeah, baby. And I'm like, what are you doing? Shut up. You look like an idiot. Yes, yes. Just be scared. Like we all are. All right. And then she's like, yes, yes, queen. And I'm like, they're all talking to each other. Quit faking it. But it was fun because it's such like-- it's just three white people talking documentary. And it's filled with black people being like, oh, fuck. Wow. Get out of there, bitch. And you're like, this movie has captured the hearts and minds of races and religions and all ages. Little ages, yeah. You saw two different films, basically. Yeah, it's wild. I mean, it is a hell of a picture. And it's the talk of the town. What is it? What is so good? I don't give anything away. But is it a twist in turn? Is it gripping? Is it psychologically fascinating? What's the term we're looking at? Well, it's so gripping. I mean, he's so funny and interesting. I mean, he's not hilarious in this. Like he has other stuff. That's what I heard. Well, Fielder is just amazing. His great, great skill is his ability to sit in discomfort. Yeah. You and me, particularly, we're like the opposite end of the spectrum. 100%. Come on, couple now. He's just like, there's a guy. First of all, I had to say, has like a great villain. And there's such compelling people. And everybody's lying. Everyone's manipulating. Everyone's lying. And I don't know if you watched the Alex Gibney talk about her. I did not. Which is a great prologue to the movie. I watched that first. Because Gibney's great as well. He's got a new four-hour musk dog that I want to see. Oh, I can't wait for this. So she's a total fraud person who frauded billions of dollars by just completely bullshitting. But then it has this thing of like, is she lying or is she autistic and weird and crazy? And does she believe her lie? Yeah. And so is she a sociopath and then her husband is also sociopathic. It seems and manipulative. And then they invite Nathan Fielder and he's kind of like, why me? What is this? But it's also this Lance Oppenheimer. It's just shot so beautifully. The score is like unbelievable. It feels like a horror movie. It's like a great score. The great cinema. photography and it's three hours long. It's one of the rare three-hour movies that you're like, I wish this was longer 'cause you're living in this world and it's kind of a movie of like two halves 'cause the whole premise of the movie is she is 34 days away from going to prison and invites him to live with them. - Why him? - Well, that's all in there. So it becomes this thing of like this comedic genius, the most brilliant mind artist of all time, of our time anyways, I should say, is just living with a criminal and her psychotic boyfriend and she's going to jail in like eight days. - Wow. - Which is also just such a fascinating thing, the idea of like all right, I'm off to prison in three days. - Oh, I gotta go see it. - Have a quick question. I don't understand how she got convicted and then she goes and lives for a certain amount of time and then goes to prison. I thought when you get convicted, you just take it from prison. - No, it depends on the crime. - Yeah, it depends on the crime. I think if it's murder or whatever rape, you just go straight to prison. - Okay. - Like Mike Tyson or whatever, but or any other murderer, poor rapist. - And she had a trial and all that? - I think she had a trial and all that. And yeah, they were like, yeah, you're guilty fraudulent. And then, so I think those white-collar recrimes, like Henry Hills at the bar say hello to those blowjob hacks. You gotta report to jail. I mean, it's like a minimum security type of deal. - Wow, and the husband's a cook too, huh? - Yeah, and he's a nut job. And what's crazy is so much of it took place before she went to prison, and then it becomes like years later in prison, it's like happening in real time. And there's, you know, the kind of a twisty type of thing. - Oh, boy, oh, boy. - It's so compelling. And I was ear to ear both times. It's so entertaining. You love him. It's so compelling. And there's a great moment with a comedy, but a classic comedy bit in there. - Oh, boy. - It's just a, it's a hell of a picture. - Man, I'll wait for it to go on video. - No, you gotta go. I mean, it is everyone's talking about it, of course. - The crazy thing is it never, it never even had time to catch on. It just caught on immediately. - Well, that trailer was so big. - I guess the trailer is. - And you forget that the rehearsal's big and Nathan, for you, is huge. And I think it's also, it's like if, you know, Shane Gillis had Obama on, or something, you're bringing two different groups. 'Cause you have people obsessed with Elizabeth Holmes. - That's true. - Like she was, people were obsessed with her before she got caught as a fraud. 'Cause she was supposed to be Lady Steve Jobs. She's on the cover of fucking Newsweek. And then it turns out she was a fraud. And America's fascinating with a fraud and a liar. And then she did not speak publicly for seven years. - Whoa. - Like there was no word for her for years. And then she invites Nathan Fielder into her home. - So when she is gonna speak, it's with this guy. - Right. - She just had a great show with the airplane. - Which was incredible. - Unbelievable, it changed the whole nation. - So, and then that's the thing too. As I thought he was saying, he'll sit in awkward. Like at one point her husband is like, just talking. He's like, says a whole thing. Two and Nathan, Nathan just sits there. - Oh. - And he's like, anything? And he's like, I'm just listening. - Whoa. - There's another part. I mean, that's what the whole, his whole shows are in movie. Like, you know, anyone's uncomfortable. I would just be like, never mind, I'm so sorry. - Sure. - And he just will sit there. And it's, it's fascinating. And you gotta get to see a side of him that you haven't seen before. And there's jokes and it gets fucking dangerous. And we heard it. - Oh boy. - It's spectacular. - And it never really been anything like it, you know? Like, movies are going through this weird moment where we had, you had your regular movie. Then we had like a lot of weirdo 824 stuff and it kind of got different and strange. But then it's all Avengers and the same bullshit and a bunch of romcoms and some true crime docs. This is a whole, another thing. It's like we said two. It's like when Theo Vaughn and Mamdani talk. - Yes. - Be like, what is this two shits going together? - Exactly. I think it, yeah, it's like, this people that listen to every rogue and episode and there's people that want to hear everything birdie says. - Yes. - So it's like there's, there's homeless people and there's Nathan Fielder people. And then of course there's just movie people. And the trailer was so fascinating and she's such a fascinating psycho weirdo. - Yeah, it lets you know that, you know, people like movie theaters are dead, movies are kind of dead. Oh, well wait for it to come on Netflix. Who goes to see a movie? If you get the right thing going, people will fill those seats. - Well, I'm not like diggers now selling out. - Oh, really? - That's what someone said. They were trying to go see digger, but now diggers, people were like, because it's so divisive. - Uh-huh. - People like, this is a piece of shit that shouldn't have been made. Now people like, this is the best movie of all time. So I feel like then people are like, I gotta go see this fucking thing then. - Yeah, well he's not Nathan Fielder with a bunch of diggers. And Philly. - Oh. - All right, but yeah, it just stinks. So diggers back, good to know. 'Cause I heard horrible things about digger when it came out. And then everybody I talked to on the street likes it. - Yeah, it's one of those wackity-do thing things. - Yeah, good for Tom Cruise. - I think I might have had something else. You can see everything. - Let me check mine. - Oh yeah, well Philly was fucking awesome. Philly Helium, what a club that plays as my favorite Helium. - Although I have to say, oh, I'm Portland over Philly. We were talking about this yesterday. - Is that right? - Well, I think Philly, you get, I don't know, well first of all, both late shows started 30 minutes late, but no explanation. - Ah, it's no good. - I'm like, what the hell's going on here? You're in the back. It's one of these clubs with the early, and I love the club, and I wanna work there forever. But the early shows, you get seven knocks on the door, being like, well, startin' five, how you doin'? You need a thing, and then the late show, both nights, Friday and Saturday, started with the Friday, started 40 minutes late. - Four. - Saturday, started 35 minutes late. And no one knocks and goes, yeah, this is why we're running late, sorry about that. - Right, right. - And what's frustrating is, the headliner is who has to deal with that. - Ah. - I'm the one that has 250 people that have been sitting there for an extra 40 minutes, they're extra drunk, they're extra late, they're annoyed. - It's a good point. - And now I'm on stage at 11.30 instead of 10.45. - That's a good point. And now where you at on the, first of all, you saved the Sinesta? - Yeah, there you go. Where you at? - Just crazy 'cause you're like, I've been staying here for 20 straight years. - I know. - I know. - And six, I've been going to Philly once a year, every year for 20 years. - That's unbelievable. And where are you doing on checks these days? - They drop checks. - Okay. - Yeah, that's not the best. - It's not the best, you feel it. - Yeah. - So, I was told when you sell out a weekend, you can say, I want checks at the end. That's always been somebody, some big headliner told me that 10 years ago and I never forgot it. - Well, I thought this because I did my album or special club was in Xanies or I did a CD somewhere and they were like, I will do checks at the end since you're recording. And I'm like, oh, Buffalo. It was Buffalo Helium. I did my album there and they're like, we'll do checks at the end, so you have to have it with the album. And I'm like, so if you're able to do that, just do it every time. - It doesn't make any sense. - I know, I hate that. - So you can do it. - So you can do it. And I remember I did a gig. I was in San Antonio, LOL. And the my opener, I won't say who. He was like, I was just opening for TJ Miller last week. He requested no checks. You should do that. You're sold out and I was like, oh, okay. So I asked the guy and he goes, yeah, we can't do that. And I go, I heard you did it with TJ Miller and he goes, yeah, it was hard. We don't want to do it again. - I see. - But now, if you sell out, I just hit him up a month ahead of time when my manager asked him. - Yeah. - But. - It's on the manager in. That's the way to do it. But every now and then they forget. And boy, when you get those checks, you're like, oh yeah, this is hard. No, it's hell. And I'm the only one ever talk started talking about this. And I don't know if everyone's caught on with other comics, but it's not just the checks. It's the last call. Also, fucks you. - Yes. - You ever go last call? They go, last call you want a drink? Oh, fuck a drink? I don't know, last cause they do. They do last call. Last call is also, fucks you up. - Oh, yeah, hate last call. - It's tricky, tricky, dicky, but. - You don't want to be that guy, but sometimes the waiters are louder than the audience. And then you're like, you don't want to be the guy going, hey, waiter, zip it, bitch. Cause then you're the, now they turn on you. By the way, they added Cremberlay at the Philadelphia Helium. - Oh boy. - And that, that fucked me. I had two Cremberlay's and I, I mean, it was insane. You break that little thing on top of that better neck. - Oh, that's a fun break, that hymen. - But we had a great shot, great, great time. Matt Wayne, features guy James Moss was emceeing. He's great, he's aces. And it was one of those fucking just beautiful weekends. We went to the hockey game. I did a play by play video. That's up on YouTube, it was hilarious. We sat in club seats. It was fantastic. - Ah, club seats. - I saw the movie on Friday with a bunch of African Americans that were shouting at the screen. It was beautiful. - What a weekend. - See, I like Philly over Portland. Cause I like Portland. I love that tiny ass stage. - Yeah, I love that. - Philly has a small one too, but Portland's right on there and then you have, I don't know what the difference is. I think they're just hotter. I have hotter shows in Portland than Philly. - Interesting. - But Philly's also insane. I mean, it's the stones and the beetles. I mean, they're both fucking unbelievably good. - Well, Philly I did, I don't know, four months ago. And I had the hottest shows of my life and then one horrific show. Just one randomly, I think it was Saturday Late Show was like the worst show I've ever had in 10 years. - I think they get a little drunker in Philly. Philly just has a little more fighting. - Yes, yes for sure. - A little more like, what the fuck, you motherfucker? - Yeah, but Portland, I'll tell you that is, that city's got great bones. You know, I'm staying downtown. You step over to Hobos. It's the weirdest thing because there's a cupcake truck called fuck the pastry arki. And right next to it is a guy passed out twitching. And you're like, people just kind of get used to it. - Yeah. - But when you don't live there, you're like, Jesus, this guy's twitching and fulmin' at the mouth and nobody cares. - Yeah, it's pretty gnarly, but it's a great city. And Philly too has got some, it's got some high bark on it. - Oh yeah, some stank. - I love that fucking city. - Great town, great town, I love that written house. - It's like I said, I'm like, it's a part of me. I had my last drink there ever, and Sarah and I spent a lot of time there, and I did New Year's Eve there. That's where I had my last drink, and I don't know, I love that town. - Great town. - Maybe I'll move to Philly. - We got a fun little run coming up. We got Halloween next week. Then we have Thanksgiving, and then we have Christmas. - Yeah. - This is that weird time of year where it's all just kind of gravy. - And then it's just horrible. - That's how it's going very much. And now my apartment is 100 degrees for the next four months. You turn the heat off, it doesn't matter. Heat just seeps in, it's just hot. - Yeah. - You walk in my house, it is hot dogs, and this is the thing, everyone wants to chime in about where to move, where to live, and you're like, you don't know what it's like to live here. - You know how many people I'm fighting with? About you leaving? People are fighting to be about it. I was taken up with him. - I mean, I was gonna go on a rant. I was ranting to chuck, I was ranting and rolling. I gotta just calm down, because I made the mistake of going into the YouTube comments. - Oh boy. - And some of these people have really, wildly just bad understandings of who I am as a person and what this move is about. - Oh really? - Well, as a million people messaging me, be like, you fucking, you're leaving New York, you think you're gonna make it in Austin, and this is not a career move. Like people think that I'm like, I gotta go be part of this hot Austin scene to make it. - Oh, that's funny. - This is a consciously downward move. - This is a life move. - Yeah, like you're the idiot. You don't know what you're talking about. The people that are like, yeah, and one person, and I shouldn't spend time talking about a YouTube comment, but it had like 18 likes, and one person right wrote, and again, I shouldn't single out a YouTube comment 'cause it's everyone knows YouTube comments. But I never read them, but because of all the people messaging me, being like, fuck you, and people were all upset that you were like, I want you to stay here, and I was an asshole or something, which doesn't matter, whatever. You don't know what's going on here. But this guy wrote, "Joel is the kind of guy "that will make plans and then blow off the plans "for something better, and then blame you." And then it had like 18 likes, and some guy writes, yeah, it's called being shallow. And I'm just gonna sit here, and if you think that, call me unfunny for the rest of your life, I don't care, because Norman Donald and Louis CK think I'm funny. And I kill every night. But the idea that I'm a guy that will blow off plans for better plans, I'm the actual literal opposite guy of that. - That's true. - I didn't do comics come home in an arena because I was booked at the stress factory. I was like, I'm sorry, I'm booked. - There you go. - I fucking blew off Rogan for your bachelor party. I'm like, no, no, I can't. I'm at the bachelor party. - Yeah, thank you. - You're a sold out show in Seattle. I was like, no, I'm with Derek and his kids. - That's true. - And Gill is the sold out show at the Tacoma Dove. I'm like, no, no, I'm hanging out with Derek and his kids. - Yeah. - Detrimental to my career, I won't break plans. - Right. - I'm the opposite of that guy. - You should be breaking plans. - I should break plans more often. - Yes. - I said no to the Oracle Arena in San Francisco with Louis before I ever opened for him, because of a main family vacation. - I was like, I'm a main with my family. - True story alive. - And Arena Jerry. - Or a curry, 17,000 people. - This is before I knew him. - Wow. - And I was like, I'm so sorry. That's my week with my family on vacation. - Man, they got the wrong guy. - I am, that's the wrong guy. - Man. - It's crazy. - I don't even get what breaking plan is this in-- - Well, that's as you're moving. - I responded to the comment. I'm like, even if I were that guy, how does that relevant? I'm not leaving you. I'm not leaving my friend. You're gonna regret leaving your friends. I'm like, no, no, I have a wife and child. My wife's family lives in the city. Her old dementia mother lives in Austin. Her siblings live in Austin. This city costs so much money. - Yes. - My apartment is the size of this. It costs $6,000 a month. - Yes. - My life is on the road. I don't do any of the New York things. - All right. Another thing, by the way, I don't do the comedy-- Out of the comedy seller voluntarily, so I can put my son to bed and be with my son. - Yes. - I have sacrificed. This is not, I'm going to hope Joe likes me. I gotta get on Kill Tony. By the way, I didn't do Kill Tony, so I could sit with my kid and wife like three weeks ago. Listen to the show. This is not, what are you talking about? And the other guy is like, wrote, Joe, this is not a friend worth having. I'm like, what I am is a friend. That's my thing. I'm a father, friend, and husband first. And comedy is 17 miles away. - Right. - Ask Louis CK, what kind of friend I am? - That's true. - Who's calling you last week when you're going through your shit? - Yeah. - I'm officiated five weddings. Wait, do you think I'm an asshole? People just call me, be like, be our officiant. - All right. - That's what I am. I'm a friend first. Comedy 50th. - There you go. - So one comment. - You, don't know, it was a bunch of them. It was a bunch of them. And it had like 18 likes. - Weird. - There was a lot. People were like, you're going to regret. You think Texas is dead now. And it sucks because I wish Joe and Tony were there because we're just moving to a affordable city with ease of life. - Yes. - I'm not, nobody thinks, nobody in comedy thinks like, I got to go to Austin to make it. - Right. - That's what's fucking with people. They keep going Austin. So they equate it with the mothership and kill Tony and all this. And I'm like, that is nothing to do with it. - Yeah. - Texas and the family. - I just had to rant and it's like, and by the way, I mean, I could go further into it. But I'm the, and the reason you're upset, 'cause we're friends. - Yeah, exactly. - It's like, the idea that like, I'm just leaving you. Like, I'm like, no, no, I have, there's three people involved in this family decision. - Yeah. - And anyways. - Yeah. - It was a year from now. And we're signing a year lease there. I do know what happens in a year anyways. So maybe I'll move to Cleveland instead just to not have this Austin thing. - There you go, yeah. 'Cause people, I love people that go, I mean, Portland people are asking me to like, but he's pretty liberal, right? Why's he moving to Austin? I'm like, that is nothing to do with it. Politics is the furthest thing from this. - It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Also, I'm like, they, this city, they tax the fuck out of me. And I'll also just listen to the show. We've talked about this endlessly. None of this is like, I got it. That's where show business is happening. - Right, right. - It's a consciously backward move as far as the business goes. - Sure, sure. - And again, my career is on the road. - And how many people have written in over the last 20 years have been like, I don't know how you guys live in New York for the price of your paying. You live in Ann Arbor, Michigan. You can have three houses of garage and a car port. - Right, it's just, it's goofballs. And yeah, not a friend worth having. I made a movie about my, I spent 30,000 dollars making a movie about Tom Dustin 'cause I wanted it for him to get better. And for people to know who he is. - I just made a special for Dan Bulger. Reach out to some people and find out what kind of friend I am. - Well, you know what YouTube is. They go, oh, we got him on this. Like, they just want to get you. And then you're doing some things. And now they can use that to get you. - Plus, it's a comedy show. You're like, man, why don't you stay with me? We had a pact. I'm like, nah, no pact. They're like, you see how we treat smart. I'm like, we're joking. - It's comedy, yeah. - Yeah, also I'm like, everything's a bit. - What do you want me to do, cry and hug you? - I'm leaving in 375 days, like we have time. - Yes, yes. - And yeah, we'll be all right. We probably won't leave anyways. But I pay $600 a month to park. It's a 20 minute walk to my car. You have no idea what you're talking about. - Just parking the car is a rent. - And the idea that like, I'm like this like, career, I gotta fucking go make it. - I know. - It's like, that's not me. - I know, I love all. You know how many people moved to Austin who have, you've never heard of? The Austin move is not a career move. - Well, also, like people are like, every comic hates it. They all regret it. I'm like, these are people again. And this is a small person. I don't want to make it seem like we're yelling everyone, but I'm like, some of this is like, sometimes I think people need reminders that I'm like, you don't know any of these people. - Yes. - I go to Austin, like Matt McCusker is like, this is awesome. He's like, I fucking love it. - Of course. - Jim butterleys like doing backflips. He's like, look at my house. This is crazy. - They're all very comfortable. Kim Cognit loves it. Joe Rogan seems to like it. Rod White loves it. DeRose had just bought a hat. Like, do you think these people are staying there against their will? - I know, I know. - But Shane was like, I gotta go back to New York to do spots. Like, but this is not, Shane's not a normal person. - No, he's the biggest star in the world. - He's a multi-bejillionaire. - So, things are a little different for him, but yeah, it's very nice. - Well, Shane showed me the taxes. He's saving it and you're like, oh, okay. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll say $75,000 next year and have three times as much space. - Yeah, and to get to live in the middle of the country, which is nice. You get to fly out from the middle and it's cheaper and you can go west coast, east coast. Good times. The weather, my God. You don't have to deal with this winter. - And these, yeah, these winters are horrible. But yeah, I feel like I'm a really, really good husband and friend and if you're watching the show, maybe you're not reading between the lines properly or paying attention. - No, no, they want to get you on something and this is a new thing to get you on. - I mean, it was just unbelievable to read. I think that the thumb, like people being on that, that's right, yeah. But I think also there's a percentage of people that listen for you and I'm just this asshole that's next to you. - But also 18 likes out of 60,000 peoples. That's pretty good. Like that's not a lot of people I think because I'm so I take so much pride in being the opposite of that person That's what it is that it's very triggering to me. Yeah, I'm I'm I would say I am loyal to a fault as the kids say There you go. So anyways. Well, it just shows how wrong they are, you know It's like when people go like oh Norman's pretty lazy never gets up, but you're like this is comment is silly Yeah, yeah, some silly but anyways Most of your great and the shows have been unbelievable. Oh, yeah, we're lucky, but lucky guys. Where we at here? Oh, we're way over Oh, I didn't even see it in the middle of that rant. Yeah, my apologies But anyways, yeah, you don't know me, and you don't know me bitch Where am I gonna be I don't know Austin from the rest of my life God damn it Wilbur theater April 17th in Boston the big theater somewhere I should get really good better at two great theaters And with a fuck oh Raleigh. Hey love Raleigh underrated town. Well, that might pass. When does this come out November 2nd? All right, Raleigh this weekend and Skyfest, of course the big Joe list roast Mark won't be there. He got something better. I'm a bad friend And then what's the fucking why can't I remember it ever you have to tell me every time look Connecticut stress bridge poor bridge poor I was messing new Britain bridge port and something else. I don't know check out punch up sign up for my email list Go see the man. He's not gonna be on this side of the country for long. I know I'm moving to Austin to make it I'm going to the capital of show business Austin. There you go. That's where everything gets made. Yes I'm just trying to make it. That's why I'm moving to the middle of the country. Maybe I'll get in a moon tower Really good lucky. All right, I'll be at a San Jose this weekend. I guess that wait. No, that doesn't make sense November 2nd. Oh, sorry. All right. I'll be all over the place. I'm going up a bunch of casinos doing Connecticut Atlantic City, Verona, New York, whatever that is Charlotte. I think it's upstate Charlotte North Carolina. And yeah, get some bodega cat. Queen foot up. Check out the check out the Patreon Get on it. We're about to do a bonus right now. And yeah, the show is humming. I know I know it's only because of the thumbnails But the numbers are up. So thank you folks. Yeah, I appreciate you and try to try to leave some more comments get those likes and Flaky McGee over here You know me always bailing on everyone to do something big. All right. Yeah, you better with Elon Altan. Oh, yeah, that's a great point. Thank you. That's a great point I was supposed to go to a tennis match with you and Salikus. Do you guys listen to the show? They don't let you bail. They all bailed but me. Hey, bail. I don't even know this guy. And I like him very much Bailey's I wish we had a great time. We were doing silly stuff to get on the screen. It was great. What do you got to chew chew? Check out my podcast fun bearable, but more importantly, we are finishing up I'm shooting a pilot with the crew of impractical jokers. We get a lot of private backers a lot of them are twosgays. We appreciate that I mean if you want to be involved with this project and get some you know insight and some sneak peeks of what's going on That pooped. Yeah, but problems. Oh, that's not great. Yeah I had a bad pancake. It's all caked, but if you want to get involved hit me up at discount chuck on Twitter or Instagram and Yeah, well, a lot of fun. All right. We'll see you at hell. What a rant great rant. Yeah, thank you very much. Thank you very much I'm a heaven's where magic's right. Oh, this way watching the music time