#679 Ruppert In A Wig

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't just. Oh! Holy hell, we're here, we're queer. I got the flu, I got AIDS. Not the flu, the cold. Cold, but this is bad. I got just the cake of snot right here. Just push it up against my forehead, my head feels this big. It feels like someone took a hose, put it in my ear, and turned it on. It's all liquid. Oh, and you had tubes as a kid. Tubes, Jerry. Boob tube. You know, guys. Solomon, I probably brought this up before. He had that great bit. I don't know if anything came to him. I should reach out to him. 20 years ago, he had this great bit about a cold is as bad as the flu. But nobody thinks about it because they don't call it the cold. Oh, the. It's the flu and a cold. It should be the cold. I have the cold. Right. Because the the makes it whatever. Yeah, yeah, that's a great bit. People don't respect cold. You say, I have a cold. You're like, ah, fuck you. But a cold is horrible. A cold is horrible and no cure. No cure for the common cold. Exactly. Which, uh, it's like herpes. Yeah. Can we work on this? Cure the cold. AI, suck my dick. What are we waiting for? Why can't we cure the cold? I know. I like it. We cured the hot. Okay. But, uh, yeah, yeah, brutal. So how about this one? My friend goes, I know a doctor. He'll get you the hard stuff. You know, the kind of shit, the Z-Pak or the whatever the hell that stuff is. They put it right in your ass and you just turn gay. And I go, let's do it. He gives me the number and the doctor goes. I don't know you. I don't want to ruin your life. I don't want to get you sick or hurt you. So I can't go hard. How about an IV? And I'm like, I can get an IV. What is that? Well, the IV, it's all bullshit. First of all, there's no cure. HIV. So he can give you whatever he wants, but there's no cure. It's just time. Yeah. They're just treating the symptoms. This IV crap, this happened when I was in Nashville. Love the club. I'll be back in April. But they did this. Somebody lost my voice. You've seen the clip, I'm sure. I totally lost my voice. Yes. Great clip. Great clip. Great clip. Great clip. They're like, well, Nate's got his guy. We'll get you an IV. And I'm like, these people act like IV is just a cure-all. By the way, the people that love IVs are all the people that are against drugs, which is hilarious. Wait, what do you mean? Well, like, you know, certain podcasts, they're like, the vaccine is the worst thing ever. The vaccine will kill you. And you show up literally, and they have a suitcase. They're like, you want an IV? I'm like, well, what's this medicine? Right. What's all this about? Yes. And I know a few other people like this, that they're anti-this, but they get an IV drug drip every day. Yes. I'm like, well, what the fuck is that? And you know what's annoying about these IV people and these IV folks? It's like vitamins. You go, they go, hey, you got to take vitamins. You got to take IV. All right. Hit me with the IV. Hit me with a men's one a day. The zinc. A to zinc. Nothing. How come after an IV, I'm not like, wah! I should be on the moon. I should be flying. I should be able to lift Rupert. Well, it makes sense if you're dehydrated, but you're hungover and you get a, I guess. I've done that too. Whatever. Whatever. But the other thing is, I'm like, there's no IV that brings a voice back. No. Like, literally, I'm like, what is this IV going to do? It's going to make my voice be like, oh, hello, I'm back. Exactly. If you have no voice. Yes. Time. Time. You know, you can heal. What actually does work, ironically, is street drugs. Like, if you take meth, you're like, okay, I'm on meth. I'm taking apart the vacuum cleaner. Right. You know, that works. Or Molly or something. It's weird. But street drugs get the shit done, whereas, you know, IV or vitamins, I'm still gay. Still gay. You can't cure gay, is what they say. Yeah. It's like a Seuss book. It's a choice. By the way, speaking of Seuss, everyone's talking about Shane said the F word, and he said the W word. Oh, whore. They did the green eggs and ham. I've been doing this bit for like three years. Oh, I didn't watch the sketches. Not only is it a sketch, it's a sketch that would have been forgotten, but because he said fuck, it's gone like super-upa-dupa-dupa-vitae. They're viral. I've been doing a bit about green eggs and ham, and I want to know who wrote this sketch because I'm like, only a parent should have this bit because I'm reading the book. Can we hear the bit? Well, the whole bit is about, well, first of all, the book's, the bit's about how long the book is. It's like 67 pages long. It's four pages. Jesus Christ. It's like the Koran. And I was like, also, the whole book is just like an autistic guy trying to get an old man to eat a rotten breakfast for some reason. Oh, yeah. Good point. They say, would you eat it in grass? Would you eat it out of my ass? And I've been doing this bit, but now, it's not like they stole it, but now I put it on the special. Everyone's going to go, this is an SNL bit. Right. With, as the, whoever's smaller gets the shit. Ah. It's like, there's no, like, well, I've been doing this bit. It goes, well, no, no, no, you stole it. SNL, yeah. It was on SNL. Right. I saw it on SNL. Yeah. And I'm not saying they stole it. Anyone that reads the book could fucking have the thing, although I'm a parent, so I'm reading green eggs and ham. I don't know where the sketch came from, obviously, but it had to be the one he says, fuck it. Ah. If he didn't say, fuck. Bless people. People would care about it. It's a good point. It's a good point. But then, people are like, but don't you have the bit recorded? And I'm like, that's the whole thing. I've got to record, hey, here's my audio of me doing this. Right, right. And people are like, it's not that similar. Who do you think you are? You're a faggot. There's no winning. No winning. No winning. No win situation. You have the time stamp, and you still can't win. Right. Also, whore is the joke. Well, it's funny. That's the joke. I would say it's a setup, but it's a funny setup. It's a funny setup. The joke is the filming at the gym. Of course. But people are like, that's not fair. Whore. How can you just reduce women to whore? I'm like, that's what makes it such a humorous situation. Exactly. Scantily clad is not funny. The reduction is the joke. But as soon as this comes out, that'll all have rolled over or whatever. But can't you see your fucking sheep? Once I saw whore, I stopped watching. I was offended. That's fair. But yeah, no, it's ridiculous. And it's just one of those things. You know what it feels like? And we'll probably get in trouble for saying all this. It feels like when your girlfriend is mad at you about the dishes, and you're like, jeez, she's really blowing up about the dishes. And you're like, oh, I fucked her dead. Right. Something else. It comes out on the dish. This is Cordell 7, but hey, we'll get this honky white doughy guy. Right, right. And he did it on their turf. That's Queef Turf 101 SNL. So you can't be a bro-y frat guy dilly-dallying with the language on that playground. Yeah, they were looking for something. Yeah, so it's a combination. They were looking for something. Also, it's the third time. So I think a lot of people are like, this fucking jabroni again? Right. Enough's enough. Bring back Nanette. Slippery Pete. Yeah, right. By the way, do you want to cut the part where you said you had a girlfriend? Yeesh. Folks, we're kidding. We're joking. We're teasing. We're back. The 700th week in a row. It's Tuesdays with Stories. Chuck's back. We had Salacuse. The battery's died. The sound's fucked up. It's out of focus. He's got a mustache. Yeah, he shot us with one of those cameras that you. One of those that the light hits it? Remember those as a kid? Oh, yeah, the shoebox. Shoebox cam. We made one, yeah. He shot us with a shoebox. He was doing this the whole time. He had a blanket over his head, and it went. Thank you. That's my film camera. That was pretty good, right? Slideshow. There's a word for that. Cinescope. Or something like that. Kaleidoscope. Telescope. Cinescope's the big apple pie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scope. That's a mouthwash. That's true. Yeah, all right. One of those. Film reel, Nickelodeon. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, Nick Pedophiles. Nick, Nick, Nick. Crazy, Pedophiles at Nickelodeon. It's a little too on the nose. Is that right? Oh, it's a huge documentary. Oh, from the 90s, all the people. That's right. What's it called? Get Off My Kid or something? I can't remember. It was a big doc, but yeah, the head guy was the King Pedo. That's too bad. It's like the Catholic Church. You know, it's like, hey, we're. We're for the kids. We're all kid-friendly. Pedo. I think Barney was a pedo. No, Barney. Elmo. You're thinking Elmo. Was it Elmo? Elmo, yeah, yeah, yeah. Elmo was some kind of pedo. Whoa. He's a creep, yeah. What a great gig for a pedo. Exactly. Pretty good. I think the Nickelodeon thing was a little overblown. They're like, oh, he made her talk about her feet in this scene. Oh. Must be a foot guy. That's it. It was underblown. By the way, I started the Martin Muldock. I'm 12 minutes in, then Marty came into our bed. He comes into our fucking bed every night. He cock blocks me. But it's a hell of a picture. He's good. I like that mole. He's a renaissance queef. He's got multi-tail. Yeah, yeah. I had no idea, so I'm enjoying that. And it started off as a Saget doc. I didn't realize that. Saget was directing it, and then they both are dead. Wow. So it was all the footage is Saget shooting it. Whoa. But he died, and then, you know, so did the other guy. Yeah, yeah. Well, don't call me a Saget. Damn, that's crazy. I watched it, but I'm just waiting for the norm. I feel like I'm watching the opener, and I'm here for the headliner. There's so many docs coming. I need a doc. I'm dying here. But, yeah, a lot of docs out there. Doc of the Bay. Yeah, boy, you're sick, eh? Oh, my God. It's the worst. Well, it's that time of year. It's that season, although it's 76 degrees out here. Now I'm having this here in New York, and it's because it's the autumn, and the winter will suck my ass again. But you have this moment where you accept, you're like, i'm moving that's it the decision's over we're done talking about it as soon as you do that mental thing of like this is the best place i've ever been in my life i'm falling in love with the neighborhood but partly because every day it's 66 and a breeze my kids going to school he's on he's a hundred yards away and i got the gym and the thing and the other thing but i know once that it's dark at four o'clock p.m and it's yeah thirty hundred below zero it feels like you're the guy who's dating the gal who's like she's a bitch i'm getting out she gained 800 pounds then one day she gets super hot and you're like maybe i'll stick around and we're all going no no no no you said she's still a whore well and i know whenever whenever the analogy she loses weight she looks hot she's in a two-piece but come january she's gonna be rupert with a wig exactly because um there's your title but um you know the winter here really fucks you in the tush oh yeah wig and a blanket rupert and a wig would really scare the locals i'm excited i love halloween i love i want to get my wife i'm like let's have wig sex wig set like the the party the political party well it any kind of wig we have an old lady wig i'm like put up be an old lady let me fuck an old lady because we got scooby-doo we're all going to scooby-doo he's obsessed with scooby-doo those pesky kids and so she's going as daphne she put on the daphne outfit the big thick red hair with the headband and the purple thing we fucked i was fred i had a blonde wig and a handkerchief and i was half gay and you're like scooby snacks that was actually a home improvement yeah i got my uh my grunts crossed so so i went in there and we have sex and i'm like i'm just fucking a red head i flipped her over just big thick red hair and i'm like can we just get a closet full of wigs that's a great wait wait who are you fred who's fred he's the guy with the white shirt and the head of the blonde guy the main guy leader guy he was the leader and then there was shaggy shaggy and then there's delma velma velma velma she says jinkies so then you know sarah does all these sketches and she's we got one time we made love she had like a uma thurman wig i'm like just give me wigs because again this is brilliant it's a long haul this marriage we go ways to go and i see like i think about this with actors you're like oh my god i would love to fuck a lady and i'm like oh my god i would love to fuck a lady and i'm like oh my god as a witch a dead woman uh whatever i'd be like come out of that makeup chair and suck me off as et oh phone homo you're gonna be uh you're gonna be a wig master you know it'd be fun dress her as a dude get a mustache a big handlebar mustache and a short hair wig i can fuck uh you know sam chuck sam sam yeah yeah there you go but uh that could be something this is a brilliant idea i love it this is lunch yeah full wig full closet she's a different gal every night yeah you go uh let's go you know frankenstein tonight or whatever it is put some bolts in her neck and i'll put my little bolted washer in her tush yeah yeah but the uh the scooby doo is risky because you don't want to be banging her that she takes the hat off she's like i'm that way this whole time that's pretty good well velma's a hot costume it's like the high socks oversized sweater so you know glasses oh yeah oh yeah i never got into scooby that was not my cup we were a big scooby while my father scooby came out in 69 so my father was 12 so he grew up watching it wow so he loved it so when i was a boy i started watching and now my son's watching we got three generations and marty's obsessed with the monster he goes around he's like the snake devil the devil bear and he goes like i am the devil snake he does the voice and everything it's great i don't know this devil snake well devil snake i made up it's not that it's the snake uh this devil bear and snake pit i can't think of it ah snake shake the snake yeah yeah and then there was scrappy who had felt like kind of jumped the shark it felt like they were trying to add more in that was later scrappy came in 79 yeah and he was silly and then the voices changed like they were so liberal with the the voices back then you get like a new guy and they're like yeah just fucking throw someone new in there right right exactly and what's crazy when you watch the show now the credits are as long as fast and the furious really there's like 400 people working on scooby-doo wow it just goes and goes and goes because you had animators and the all the stuff and the business we used to be a country you know you have jobs jerry american jobs you got that straight those are all dried up now it's ai drawing a dog in a in a van and call it a day now let me talk now talking about productions and making things and filming things yeah i gotta tell you about this project i did this weekend skank fest no no we're working on that we're working on that's a hell of a slug clock's ticking which by the way i'm a fucking moron i was on the regs i'm like someone's like it's taking so long and i'm like well we shot a thousand hours of footage i've said that about 300 times someone's like how'd you shoot a thousand hours in four days i'm like because we had seven cameras you fucking moron and i did the math and it actually turns out to be about 400 hours i really doubled it but still a lot of hours but i was like in my mind i'm like because seven cameras shooting for four days 12 hours a day you moron i was like 336 you're like fuck they got you there yeah what can you do but it's a lot of hours and it's a two operation and we got we got children for god's sake it's a big man and you got to uh kill your darlings as they say kill your babies all right that's plant parenthood i see but uh so this past sunday went up and shot a comedy special for our good pal dan bulger oh okay okay this is gonna be special of the year the soak of the year maybe not the special of the year i'm gonna shoot mine the same year but uh that son of a bitch is ice cold i mean this thing was beautiful a beautiful you know you don't get a lot of special no pun intended nights in your career yes which i used to always say when we do late night or whatever it is most nights in a comedy career you're just at the fucking skid marks telling your jokes oh yeah whatever and you go all right let's go back and uh you know watch the game and just jerk off sounds like a great night but every once in a while you get this thing and so a lot of these boston comics i feel like i'm the last boston guy of all these guys to be like all right i'm leaving for new york i'm gonna go pursue stand up and be successful good for you you did it you left after me who's after me in the line of kind of comedy seller yeah yeah there's like you got bill burr and jay leno and louis ck and patrice o'neill and nick depaulo and doug stanhope and uh all those guys bobby kelly bobby dane can't forget dane for god's sakes yeah dwayne perkins gullman my favorite of everyone we just mentioned by the way and then uh everyone stopped moving well you're right well maybe the internet changed the game you don't have to go to the big apple you can do the uh face to anal right in the car well most of my class that we i started with bulger ira proctor tom dustin alvin david mike whitman e.j. e.j. murphy mike caplan was around but he was like a jersey guy and feels he was he was in boston roots same as shane moss but he's from wisconsin and he's older than you shane moss mike mike caplan well we started the same time he's about the same age all right and he's great but also mike is kind of a different thing he's like he's less of that uh like he's got a guitar hey fuck you what the fuck is this shit right yeah anyways so these guys are so great but for one reason or another they just stayed in boston or they went to key west or whatever it is so you're like you guys are so good someone needs to see you for god's yes yes bulgers unreal i mean the guy won the boston comedy fest in 1984 and he was opening for greg giraldo for pete's sake when he was 19 i think chuck just quit chuck just without a word he got up and left wow i'm just watching him he's a poof of smoke in the wind which is a little unsettling because your wife literally just left and walked the same direction and then chuck was like i'll be right back that's a good point yeah that could be trouble let me check her location well anyways so i'm like bulger is one of the best comics he won the comedy fest 2005 he was 20 years old or 19 years old i think i remember where i was where i was at city steam which we did together years after that connecticut city steam hartford connecticut and now i was the young phenom i started when i was 18 in 2000 so five years later this 19 year old boy shows up and i was the youngest by 10 years and everyone was like you're gonna be the biggest guy of all time you're gonna suck dicks for a living how'd you open me and you open for dane i'd open for the biggest and uh it opened for uh david tell at that point how'd that feel i gotta i gotta ask i mean you you're a insecure guy you're down on yourself you look in the mirror you're a insecure guy you're down on yourself you look in the mirror you start crying what the hell was that like in your prime dane or atell you what do you mean how'd you feel when bulger won no being the up and coming everybody going you're the next guy you're the the great white hope well it was bad it was the worst thing for me because i was like great like you know what i mean like i was 19 and getting laughs and and around i kept hanging out so people were like you're gonna be big you're gonna be huge and i was like fantastic i guess - Just be around. - Flattering. - I wish people had said, If you try hard, if you get out of here, if you do this, you'll be great. You'll be huge. So I guess it was exciting, but at the same time, I just thought, like, well, whatever. I was just discovering drinking, and I had so many mental problems. Well, I just remember failing out of college, barely getting through high school, being a drunk, being a DUI guy, car wreck guy, house party guy. We'd steal the grandfather clock and then throw it off a building. That was the big night. Yeah, same. And then when you find comedy, you're like, this is something. Right. I can do something. I'm an idiot. Yeah, it felt like, well, this will be my life, but everyone was drinking and fucking off, so I was like, I'll do that, too. Right. I mean, we talked about this in the Tom, Dustin doc, which we're going to put on YouTube soon. Hell, yeah. But they made this movie when stand-up stood out, which is a great, great movie about Boston comedy. Killer. And such a big part of that movie was how great everyone was, but there's a whole section of, like, we should have worked on our careers, and we were doing coke and boozing up, and we never left, and it was too hard to leave. And our whole group watched it, and we're like, that was awesome. Let's do that. Yeah. Like, we all were like, perfect. We'll do that, too. You learn nothing. Bill Burr has always said, like, I had the funniest friends in the world. It's like me, Colin Quinn, Louis C.K., Bill Burr, David Tell, Jim Norton. We're all sitting around a table. We never picked up a pen to work on anything. We never wrote a movie. We never wrote a script. We never wrote. We never wrote a show, a sketch, nothing. We had all these guys. We just wasted it. No, it made me sad. I mean, we tried to write a thing, and I kept being like, we've got to meet at a bar. Yeah. First things first. We're not going to write unless we have a couple cocktails. Let's get two Long Islands. We've got to get loosened up. At noon. And I can't tell you how many whiteboards I've bought in my life. We've got to go to Walmart. Tell me about it. We've got to get a fucking whiteboard, because that's what Jerry and Larry have. Yes, yeah. I've got to get a stack of pens, a couple of composition books, and, ah, if I could get a couple of tall boys. When I think of my past, I want to shoot myself in the nipples. It's fucking horrible. Hi, folks. Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Blue Chew. Better sex starts in your brain, and that's what Blue Chew Gold targets first. I've been hearing so much about this Blue Chew Gold. I've seen commercials for it. I've read commercials for it. My buddies take it, and they all love it. They swear to God it's the best thing that ever happened to them, so I said, I've got to get involved in this. I popped one of these things, and my gut. My wife is still talking about it. She's still feeling it. It's the best. 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But, which is true, but they think that there's no one doing comedy anywhere else. And a lot of comics think this way, by the way. I've had this debate with many other comics. They're like, who's this guy? He lives in fucking Cleveland? Fuck that guy. And you're like, well, there's great professional comedians that have families that live in other cities. Chad Daniels is in the middle of fucking nowhere up in the great white tundra of Minnesota. And as good as it gets. And there's many other like that. So, anyways. So, this isn't some just queef that's a funny guy. No. Bulger, I mean. Beast. His jokes are amazing. So, he's got 20 years of just phenomenal jokes. So, I said, let's shoot a special. He said, let's do it. Okay, great. I wanted to do it in New York. I was like, I'll just walk over there. We'll shoot you. See you later. And he's like, I found this place in Boston. So, you're like, all right. We've got to travel up to Boston. We've got to get the crew and go to Boston. But there's this place called Deep Cuts in Medford, Mass. I like it. And there's like a record store and a pit. It's like a pinball thing. Now we're cooking. It's like a little rock club. 100 seater. Hell yeah. Like a punk rock venue. Yes. It's awesome. I want to do a show there. How many seats are 100? About 100, 110 maybe. Something like that. That's lunch. It's all pipes. It's a nice low stay. It just looks like a punk venue, you know? So, we go up there. I get Patrick Holbert, my wonderful partner, my cameraman, my editor, who's also a great comedian himself, and just a great friend. There you go. So, we go up there. We set it all up. It's a Sunday night because it's Sunday. It's Columbus Day. So, it's a holiday Sunday. Indigenous peoples. Oh, yeah. Sorry. So, we go up there, and this was just a heck of a night. And, you know, Dan is so zen. I'm like, how are you feeling? He's like, about what now? I know. I was like, well, you got the special tonight. You running it? He's like, nah, I don't think so. He is a quintessential out-to-lunch comedian. I love it. He's the best. He's all comic. So, I'm going into the, we got the hotel in Medford. Me and Sarah and Marty are heading into the city. So, I go, I got to stop. At the Celtics Pro Shop. I'm going to get Bulger a little gift. It's a special. It's a big night. What a mensch. You know, he's been doing comedy for 20 years. He's finally shooting a big special. And he's done late night and stuff, but that was 35 years ago. So, I go, I'm going to go get him a nice Celtics. Was that a gunshot? I think that was a truck bed coming down. What if Chuck just shot your wife? Or vice versa? Interesting. That'd be nice if she shot him. Oh. Get some real producer in here. Everybody wins. But anyway. So, we go up there. I go, I'm going to go to the Celtics Pro Shop. We'll jump in. We'll park in the North End, which is Little Italy. We'll get a nice Italian meal. We'll walk across the street to Causeway Street to go get a nice, authentic Celtics jersey or something nice for the boy. All right. To celebrate. Battle of the Bulger. So, we go to this nice Italian restaurant in North End. I get a big chicken parm. Sarah gets some healthy bullshit. Marty shoves some stuff in his ass. It's a great dinner. Walk across the street. And it is a big old, it's the Celtics and Bruins Pro Shop. They got everything there. Bruins sweaters, Celtics jerseys. And then I had a nice Kevin Garnett. I shudder to say this because you might hear this. A nice, authentic Kevin Garnett jersey. Ah. And I'm going to get him a nice jersey. All right. And then I see this nice pullover zip-up jacket. Whoa. We got a live one here, huh? Real nice. I mean, this is a nice jacket. Nice Celtics, authentic from the store. Reel them in. And I say to Sarah, what do you think? What do you think? The jersey or the jacket? And she goes, you got to go jacket. It's practical. I know, but a jacket's going to be a grand. No. Jackets aren't cheap. It's not a jacket. They're both expensive. Especially in a pro shop. They really hike that shit. They really do. They get you. So I go, all right, we'll go jackets. It's practical. You can wear it every day. What's it look like? It's like a black and white two-tone Celtics logo. Oh, shiny? Not shiny. It's like a windbreakery rain jacket type of thing. Okay. It's like a zippy pullover-y thing. Not too flashy. Not flashy. No flash. Okay, no flash. It's nice. Yeah. Chuck's back. He just shot May. Oh, what a bummer. It's a double homicide, by the way. Oh, yeah. True prego. The wrong person came back. Which, by the way, is a big pro-life argument. If you shoot a pregnant person, it's a double homicide. That's a good point. Yeah. Isn't that weird? Yeah, you can't have it both ways. Yeah, it's funky. Funky donkey. I mean, I'm pro-choice, but you're like. By the way, here's the two best. Quick side. note the two best pro and i'll always be pro-choice of course i'm a pro-choice guy i've killed a few the two pro-life arguments that make the most sense that no one ever mentions is if you kill a pregnant woman it's double homicide so by law it's life right that's the law but she's allowed to kill a homicide or her her homicide i guess so yeah and the other one is people are like it's not a life it's not anything i'm like well my wife had three miscarriages and we were completely devastated each time ah that's a fun that's a very that's the most interesting thing i ever heard introduced into an abortion argument that it's like well we lost a baby he was only the nugget was five weeks in right and we were planning and excited and hugging and kissing and then we lost the baby and we like sobbed on the floor for like an hour oh wow so oh man that feels like a life yeah in high school when that happened though that was a high five yeah of course i mean but well that's certainly that's this live streaming execution you hear about this yeah i heard about well there's a lot of you know super right wing guys who are like it's a clump of cells just think of as a clump of cells or or they're going the shooters have postpartum uh you know like how come that's okay but this is not whatever yeah so it's a it's a topsy-turvy time it's wacky out there so anyways i go to the pro shop sarah's like ah jersey's cool and nice but how often you're really wearing a basketball especially basketball because it's just he's a he's a holocaust survivor under there so i go okay i'll get the jacket and then i get him a big pennant a big celtics pennant and i buy a couple things for myself this hat and a couple hockey party marty you got a couple of sticks and hockey pucks oh my god he's obsessed it's great hate to see that bill with the tariffs and then i saw the big bruins bear bear claw and i was like i can't get that i'm off sarah's like you're out of control you can't get all these things you're an addict so we go over to deep cuts get there lee patrick and i set up the cameras which is very fun and exciting because you go all right we're making a thing yes big production bulger shows up i got a nice shot of him across the street was raining which added some cinema to it boy what are you michael man so he's coming across the street walking over he comes in he goes hey buddy i go it's great to see you the big special this is the big night he goes well as a token of my appreciation to you i got you a gift whoa i go aruno card you i go you don't have to do that he pulls out a big plastic bag celtics bruins pro shop whoa we're into the same store great minds so he hands me the thing i pull out an authentic old school cam neely boston bruins sweater the authentic one from when i was a boy with the meth bear favorite player meth bear why yeah you ever see that no oh you've seen on my shirt it's like the old 80s bruins look they call it the meth bear because he's like ah wasn't that a movie the meth bear cocaine bear cocaine bear sorry sorry i saw in the theater it was pretty fun yeah it's a summertime romp yeah it's pretty silly and fun so he gets me this jersey i almost cried and i go well this is this is unbelievable let's go downstairs and he goes this one's for marty he bought him the big bear claw oh the bear claw i wanted to get the bear claw but i was like this is too much money so marty got the bear claw marty loves the bear claw we go downstairs i go well i got you a gift i pull out the exact same bag whoa i go there you go buddy boy and he pulls out his celtics jacket with the pennant oh man rupert loves a bear claw as well we were we were at the same store like an hour apart shopping for each other wow did he go kick ass he sure did and so we uh we exchanged the gifts the whole thing and then everyone starts pouring in they fill it in my parents came and mike whitman and big al and all the whole boston comedy scene was there they loved bulger and he killed eugene merman was there wow i've heard that name in years they bob's burgers yeah so bulger killed both shows first show was second show was one of those ones where it was like all friends oh yeah and we filled it in and uh i mean joke after joke you forget you're hearing these jokes after a year you're like that joke's killer this joke's perfect it's uh it's gonna be a hell of a special we rolled on it we shot it's beautiful we got six cameras this thing is gonna be primo i can't wait to see it i hope it pops these youtube specials are uh a little over satchy yeah it's very satchy but but he's the the quality's there well he's got us in in his corner you know we'll build it up we'll get him on some stuff and uh either way it's something now it's there and it lives and it's a living breathing thing the masses can see it yes and maybe someone will go we gotta get this guy maybe this guy could write for us maybe we could put him at this club he should be a writer he should be touring he should be selling out he's a killer i made the fucking mistake because i like hanging out with him so i did the portland uh empire comedy thank you great club in maine stephen king only one syllable state and uh most toothpicks in america they produce toothpicks so coastline yeah all right all right so it's a lot of coastline i'll just say that basically i put out a netflix special and i was like gotta build material hey bulger i'm going to maine you want to drive up he goes you got it dickless murdering and then i go but i go uh uber's weird huh what's up with lyft then you got a couch and a sofa it's the same thing huh ah fuck how much time do i have yeah exactly then they're like uh you have 58 minutes left i'm like god they're like bring the uh the the guy with aids back and i was like oh he's diabetic but whatever so that was really a rough weekend we great hanging yeah did some day drinking some uh some oyster hunting i had a great time in maine but whoo not the guy you want when you're trying to build an act yeah you got that straight you need the chuck i know you do stand up no i did like two-man shows ah yeah we had a headline in the comedy connection providence brothers it was me and brad we did like a million tons of tuesdays come out i have pictures with like tons of them outside the comedy connection he's providence siphoning the fans yeah one time we went to uh brad yeah if you remember brad yeah we went to philadelphia somewhere and it was you and doug mark was headlining doug was featuring and they're like oh i got no host and mark goes can you host to me yeah like this is like the third time we ever hear that folks his fault yeah i blew it i didn't host i opened the door thank you for being honest and saying i can't because most people would have gone you're damn right i can and then pulled a full you know kramer up there yeah go do one half of my act with two people uh but so i gotta tell you please i was in uh best club in the country uh last weekend you got it madison wisconsin comedy club on state bittersweet we got seven sold out shows i got my buddy murphy opening johnny beaner opened oh johnny you know beater johnny beater once helped me when i was i lost my voice another time in cleveland 10 years ago he was featuring and it was one of those ones where you're like you gotta do like 40 oh and he did he stretched and he killed wow and then he opened for me the fat black one time i love beater hey chuck will you grab me a water out of there i'm sorry i'm losing my fake voice yeah yeah hope i'm not getting on you but i know beater's a good egg he filled in and uh not mexican by the way aside from his name but uh great guy and it's just the best club with the best green room and anna and eve are the shit they're great they run the joint but i was sick ah i'm sick so all day you're in the in the hotel going like all right mucinex all right day quill all right gotta do liquids gotta do luckily the hotel is a sauna yeah so i went and steamed i fell asleep in the sauna jerry what i laid down in the sauna and i had full i was so undone and weak from being sick that i was like let me just lay down i'm just gonna lay down in the sauna full clothes on i just popped in uh you know you're so delirious and funky laid down fell asleep i woke up to a guy going whoa whoa you all right and i go huh huh big puddle of drool sweaty i have a jacket on jerry i woke up in the east river in a sack and the guy goes what are you doing i was like oh he's like i thought you were dead you're all your clothes and i was like i'm in madison on stage you need two tickets whatever and uh he was like yeah yeah take it easy so i got out of there and then he was in a towel keep your towel that's crazy towel head that's one of the craziest things i've ever heard yeah it was bad it was a bad look and uh went back upstairs and got my my act together but yeah on stage throat closing and you know when you're like and then the duck fell out of his way yeah you can't get that punch line you got no voice yeah no juice you realize the voice is such an instrument you go up you go down you go in you go out you go breathy you go deep all that's gone that's all we got that's all we got jerry that's that's our trumpet trumpet supporter so uh yeah it was a tough tough weekend where you get off and you're like a that hurts like shit but also uh i didn't get what i wanted right you know and then you could go to the green room and i just chugged nyquil slept for like an hour still sick still can't beat it this is six days later well i've always say it people they We talked about it. We alluded to it earlier. A cold is two weeks. Is that right? People think, oh, well, maybe if I do this, maybe this will be a quick one, whatever. I mean, there's three, the worst days, whatever. But it lingers. It's seven to 14 days is a cold. That's why they should be called the cold. The cold. He had the great line. He's like, that's why it's the pill. Right. It's the one that gets rid of the kid. Yes. There's a million pills. That's the pill. He's like, there's a pill that cures polio. That's not the pill. I know. Fascinating. That's what I love about Goldman. The whole bit is about the word the. Yes. And it's gold. Well, he's as good as it gets. He's a great writer. So, yeah, great weekend. You get home, and you got to go right to baby. You know, like, I had a 7 a.m. flight, which you really just, it doesn't sink in. Yeah. Because that means you got to get up at 530, get in the car at 545, get to the airport for six. That's pushing it. Is it? That's not how I live my life. Well, that's a Madison. I'm at the airport an hour and a half early. I like to go in, jerk off, come on the windows, smear it. No lounge there. So. I'm against the lounge now. I'm now anti-Delta lounge. What the fuck is going on? You might as well go black on me. Well, this has been like this for a while. Well, first of all, people hate this talk, but originally it used to be I could use my diamond status to get up until two years ago. Lounge. Lounge plus two guests. Two folks. Now I get zero guests and I'm always there with somebody. I'm always there with Sarah or Matt or whatever. They want to charge me for Marty to come in. What? Because he's over two. Is that right? And then there's always a line that's crazy lines now. Crazy. There'll be a line that's 50 people in it. I know, but you get the Delta sideline. There's the Delta. If you make it diamond, which I did. You get. You get the express line and then you go up there. Now, my airport, both JFK and LaGuardia has Starbucks. I love Starbucks. I want my tea. Anyways, the food is so fancy. The lines in the lounge are long. It's hard to find a seat in the lounge hard to find. And I'm a big steps guy, too. I want to get my steps in a lot of times. I'm like, I'll just go to Starbucks, get a croissant, get my tea and walk around. I just can't resist the free food. I will wait in the line and I'll get up the stairs, wait in the food line and I get that Peruvian chicken or whatever the fuck they got. Yeah. I can't resist. I'll have eight minutes to get to my gate. I'm like, got to get that chicken. Well, and many of the lounges suck like LaGuardia, JFK are great, but like there's some of them you're in some airports. You're like, this is just nothing here. It's just like three eggs and a piece of toast, chips and salsa and a soda gun. So I'm out of the lounge. I mean, I still like the lounge, but you know, I don't. I'm not as in love. Folks, your dick and balls look scared. 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You get a burrito and a cup. Well, I mean, I go. I don't do one-on-one. I go to Chipotle. I'm like, "I'm going to go to Chipotle. I'm going to go to Chipotle." But I don't do Chipotle without Starbucks. Hey, we got KFC, Popeyes, or whatever they have. They have McDonald's and Taco Bell. You see those? Baskin-Robbins and Arby's. Dunkin' Donuts. Dunkin' Donuts and what's there? Yeah, Baskin-Robbins. Baskin-Robbins. Yeah. McDonald's was the main shareholder in Chipotle for a long time. That was the very beginning, because Todd Berry had that great joke. Yeah. I was going to say, I don't know if. So Starbucks is going to buy. I bet they're not going to combine. They're not going to combine. No. No, no combo. I hope they don't, because that'll taint. Starbucks is all jazzy and queefy, and then Chipotle's like, "Put some beans in my ass." Oh, yeah. I shit my pants a little bit this morning. Just a little shart. Yeah. We're getting old. Yeah. You? You're getting old. And then I diarrhea'd all in the toilet. It was crazy. Now, let me throw this in the trash. Okay. I'm going to throw this in the trash. Okay. Okay. yeah you you're getting old and then i had diarrhea at all in the toilet it was crazy I'm going to throw this in the trash. now let me throw this one at you i had this one yesterday i don't care for this so this is my fault i am uh going to pick up the boy from school i got the stroller and i'm strolling along trolling along headphones in get to the intersection and i just walk and a car goes whoa, whoa, whoa, like, you know, not an urt, but whoa, almost hit you there. My fault. Red light. I wasn't paying attention. And the guy goes, and hawks. And he goes, and I go, you're right. I fucked up. Thank you for not killing me. That was on me. And he goes, you know, like, might as well go now. You go, yeah. And I was like, no, no, you go. I was in the wrong. You go. I fucked up. And he goes, so I was like, okay, well, Now we're holding up traffic. So I go. But now there's other cars going the other way. So now I'm like in the street and then a car. So now that guy hates me. Cans. So then I get to the other side of the street and he rolls the window down. He goes, hey, hey, you should watch where you're going. And I'm like, yeah, I got that with the honk. Right. You know, like you don't have to double scold me. I got the, I did like the. Now the baby's not in the stroller. No, no, no. The baby's been taken away. That helps. I mean, that helps, but. CPS took that away. Yeah, you know, I mean, I'm going to side with you here because you're my buddy, but I don't mind a double scold in general. Oh, okay. Well, you're a scolder. Well, you're walking with a stroller in front of a car. You could have been killed. Now I've got to live with this? Now I'm the guy that killed the guy? It wasn't that close. I mean, the guy was half a block away. I see, I see. And I had half the stroller out. So, again, took full response. Yeah, once you do the full response, sorry. I mean, that should be the dopamine serotonin release that you're looking for. I know. And then the double scold, he goes, you should watch where you're going. And I'm like, what do I do here now? I go, yeah, I got that. Yeah, yeah. You know, like, it's overkill. You're like, why don't you watch where you're going? You're looking at me. You're driving. Why don't you start focusing on where you're going? Yeah, that's true. You're too busy thinking about me. But also, you got to remember, everybody's walking around angry and pissed at their wife. and their mistress and their father. Yeah. So they're all channels. So when you get the opportunity to yell at someone, you're like, here we go. Because he can't go home and call his wife fat and say you're eating too many cupcakes, you fat dyke. So he sees you and goes, hey, what the fuck, motherfucker. I'll get it out on Gillis. Yeah, well, and I also am very conscious. You know, you got the lady on the subway blaring the music, and you go, could you turn that down? She's like, fuck you. It's a free country. I'm like, wait, why am I the bad guy? You're blaring. So I try to not be that cooze. Right. I try to go, I was wrong. You were right. Got it. Take a note. Won't happen again. But that wasn't enough for this guy. Well, that guy, he's got other stuff going on. I don't care for him one bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, the double scold is, it's a lot. It's a lot. And look, I was in the wrong. So I get it. But I just don't know what to do with the second one. He's like, you should watch where you're going. I'm like, that is great advice. Boy. You know, it's like when people say, be careful out there or, you know, have a safe flight. Right. Have a safe flight. All right. How do I do that? Yeah. Should I stab the pilot? I guess I won't now. Got to talk to the pilot. Tell him to have a safe flight. Right, right. He's the pilot. Didn't Carlin cover that safe flight? I can't remember. Somebody did. He had to get on the plane. Fuck you, I'm getting in the plane. Right, right. And then he had the, should we not call it a terminal? Yeah. The terminal snack bar. Yeah, that's not bad. Yeah. This weekend, I'm in Charleston, which I'm very excited about, even though I sound like a cripple. Well, I think by, when did you go? On Thursday? What's today? Wednesday? That's in 24 hours. Yeah, right. You'll be better. I got three weeks. I'm in Philly next weekend. And then I had, last weekend, I drove to Boston for the Bulger special. But I got three weeks, no flights. Oh, that's lovely. Loving the no flights for a few weeks. And I love that Philly. But then they hit you with this. They're like, you want to do radio in Philly? And you're like, I have two nights to sleep without my child. - I did it, Preston and Steve. who are legends and classic, great guys, but you're like, God. I know. Just the alarm. You're like, I've got to set the alarm. And you want that empty Cal. You want that Cal with just Philly at 7 p.m. That's all you want. I love empty. Tomorrow, when Marty's at school, Sarah and I are going to go to the – maybe I should come. We're going to this – what's it called? I'm going to Charles. Oh, that's right. What the fuck's – Bathhouse. The Gramercy Bathhouse. Flatiron Bathhouse. If you've been to this place, I think I told you about it. It's unbelievable. I've got a couple, but not that one. They've got the cold plunge. They've got the steam room. They've got the sauna. They've got the warm pool, the hot tub, the other sauna, the infrared sauna. And you just bounce and bounce. It's sexy as fuck. Everyone's all hot. I have been there. That place is bananas. It's in the basement. Yes. It's like downstairs. It's like black. It's fucking unbelievable. Well, it's one of these things like the sauna – I mean, the – what do you call it? The bathhouse was a bunch of fat Turkish guys in towels with big guts and mustaches. Right. Now, it's hot. It's hot, people. It's babes in Toyland. It's fucking great, and I can't wait. But we want to get another couple so we can switcheroo, you know? I could take the wait, but I think if you dip that stomach in a sauna, that's called a slow abortion. No, I think that's good. But, I mean, I might shoot out. That's the problem. Oh. It's like getting in a hot tub with diarrhea. Right. The baby might be like – Yeah, good point. I'm flying out. I don't want to cut anything. Yeah. Oh, how about this one? Please. So, we go to check in this hotel in Medford. Yeah. And I had called early. Well, there's a lot of confusion here. So, I call, and I go, hey, is there any way I can get an early check-in? She goes, well, you've got two rooms there, because I've got one for Patrick and one for us. And the load-in for the special is at 3 p.m., but check-in is 3 p.m. Yeah, I hate the 3 p.m. check-in. It's infuriating. So, I was like, is there any way I can get an early check-in there? And she's like, well, what time? And I was like, just even a little early. Just 2 o'clock would be amazing. That would be a life-changer. And she's like – All right, well, you've got two rooms here. And I was like, well, I only need it for one. She's like, well, you've got to call Hotels.com and cancel the reservation. And I was like, what? I was like, what do you mean cancel? And she's like, well, if you don't need it, it's booked. But we can't cancel it, because you booked through third party. And I was like, well, no, I don't want to cancel it. She's like, you just said you only need one room. And I was like – I love that. No, no, no. I just need to check in early on one of the rooms. So, I don't need two early rooms. And she's like, oh, all right, all right. Well, you don't want to cancel it. Well, just come by. And I was like, all right. She's like – I was like, so, it'll be no problem? She's like, yeah, yeah. Well, it should be. We should be good by then. Which is so frustrating, because you're like, but could you write it down? I know, I know. Like, that's why I'm calling. Yes, yes. Anyone could just show up at two. Right. I'm asking, is there any way you could stamp it on there? They'll be in early. Guarantee. Right. So, she goes, yeah, just show up then. I'm like, all right. Just show up. Okay, great. So, there's no alleviate. You want to alleviate the problem, but you go, okay, well, we'll show up early. So, we show up. It's like 2.35, because I'm like, Patrick's running a little behind. I was like, and the venue is like a six-minute walk. So, I'm like, oh, perfect. All I need to do is get my wife and child checked in, and I'll just walk over to the venue. Beautiful. Easy peasy, Japanesey, lemon squeezy. Loaded, though. What are we doing? A Metallica concert? It's a special. You've done a special. Yeah, well, I mean, I had Salacuse with a, you know, a crank and a reel. There's no way Salacuse was operating those specials. I've seen them. That's true. It's not tilted. It's in focus. It's not stills. No, it's, you know, you got one camera. You got two, three cameras that look like this one. But then you got three tripods. You got the cords. You got to get the audio recorder, the Zoom recorder. And then we have, like, three Osmo things. And then you got a couple lights. You got to throw the lights up and all that stuff. It's a significant amount of stuff. Now, do you kill seats? We had to kill a few seats. Ah, I hate to kill seats. So, you know, you got to get in there, and you plug that in. You need your gaffer tape, your other business, your microphone, the boobly boob. It's not some crazy loading, but it takes time to set up. Okay. So, anyways, we're going to check in now. And there's a lady, a customer, waiting at the front desk. There's no one behind the counter, which is very bizarre. You know, we know hotels. I'm checking into hotels every week. For 25 years. You got that right, Fetty. Almost never do you go to a hotel in the afternoon, and there's just not a person standing there. 100%. That's the whole, it's his job. Yeah, sometimes you see a coos in the back dilly-dallying with a printer. Yeah. So, we go, and the lady that's there, the customer, she's, like, doing this. Uh-huh. So, she's been there for an amount of time. Sure. Yeah, it's like a silent movie. Yeah. So, we got behind her in line, and, you know, Marnie's running around. She's been in the car. So, he's jumping around, knocking things over. And I'm like, all right, well, I guess we've been waiting. And I got a very brief amount of time to go in, check in, take a shit, and head to the thing. Can the wife handle it? Or is it your name and your card? It's my name, my card, the whole thing. So, about, I want to say two minutes past, but she's already been there, two, three minutes. And now there's three minutes of just no attendant, no nothing. Yeah. At the hotel room. So, I'm like. Frustrating. And then I hear, like, bags of chips or something. Like. Ah, here we go. Rustling behind over there. So, I just, I wasn't trying to be rude. I just poked around and said, pardon me, we've got a couple people just, I think, waiting to check in. Good for you. And the lady's organizing the chips at the snack bar. She goes, is it three o'clock? Oh. Which, first of all, you're like, I know check-in is three o'clock. Wow. But so, what does that mean? So, there's no one at the front desk until check-in? What about all the people staying here? That is wild. That might need a towel, or directions, or a snack, or their room key, or something's broken. Yes, yes, exactly. Again, it's not, like, I understand you work here, but I'm like, I spend my life in hotels. Right. Somebody's always at the front desk. Wow. That is unheard of. So, I'm like, so what is this? So, you don't, you don't even, you're aware we're here, because Marty's talking. The lady's looking around. Like, there's noise happening. You're aware people are over here. This is crazy. So, you have, so what you're trying to tell is, is you just don't do your job until exactly 3 p.m.? That is what she's saying. So, I go, I don't know what time it is, but there's some people over here, and she's like, rolls her eyes. She's like a cunt, with big fake eyelashes, seven and a half feet long. Oh, yeah. Which, I don't understand this look. I don't know who's asking for that. I don't know who's into that. Right. But she just looks at me, and I'm like, I don't know what time it is. I was like, but also. So, I called, and they said I could get an early check-in. Good. So, she puts down the bag, and I think this is who I was talking to, because when I came back like a half an hour later, she was gone. So, I think that was, I talked to her at the beginning of her shift. Now, it's the end of the shift. Sounds pretty low IQ lady, if I'm being honest. So, she puts the bag down, huffs and puffs, and walks over, and the lady in front of us who's been there for longer than us, possibly much longer, she was like, I actually, I don't even need to check in. She's like, but I don't have my room key. I left, I locked my room key in there. Oh, this poor lady. So, this lady's just standing there, already checked in. Nothing to do with check-in. What's the room number? Blup, blup, blup, blup, blup, blup, okay, thank you. And I go, hi, I'm going to start fresh, and now I'm going to kill him with kindness. Love it. I go, hello there, hi, yes, I'm hoping to check in. I have two rooms. I called earlier. They said there would be a room available. By the way, it's like 2.37. It's not like 11 a.m. or something. Right, right. So, I'm like, yeah, and this lady does the thing. No hello. No smile. Hi. Just a fucking serious, and even my lovely wife, who is much more tolerant of this kind of behavior, she was like, that was insane. Okay. Fuck that lady. Okay. So, I'm just like, stand there, and she's, I have my ID and credit card ready again, because I check into a hotel every fucking week, so I'm just like, here you go, and she's just, no words whatsoever. Ah. Does this, and then just hands the key like this, and she's like, you need the other room? And I'm like, no, no, that's all right, we'll check into that one later. Don't worry about it, blah, blah, blah. Just. It's shitty, and you want to like, get, you want to take a shit and put it on the register. I know. Or a register. I don't, you know what I mean? You want to like. Yeah, yeah, the computer. Something. You're like, you are a horrible witch of a witch of a lady. And you're in the service industry. Yes. Your whole thing is hospitality. It's literally the hospitality industry. This is, this is your job. Yes. It's like, hello, hey, how you doing? What's going on? Yeah, you can't check in yet. Well, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, because we've all dealt with these queefs where, they're like that, you get angry, so you become mean, and then she goes, everybody's a dick at this job. I'm just trying to help people, I'm trying to give them their keys, and they're mean to me. And I'm like, no, no, no, it's a cycle. And your life would be so much better if you just went, hey, how's it going? And then, the thing about what time, is it three o'clock? You're like, well, this lady doesn't need to check in. It has nothing to do with check-in. And it's like, yeah, whatever, we'll move it over. It was just fucking insane. Wow, she's got to be let go or something, and then this is where the reviews come in. Hey, I went to the Marriott Suites Courtyard, and this lady was a real queef and a half. Well, then later, this was funny, too. So, it ended up pouring rain that night. We finished the special. It was beautiful, like a great night. Bulge was like, that was one of the best nights of my life. Big Al said the kindest thing that anyone's ever said to me. It was like this beautiful night. But now, I'm like, a seven-minute walk to the hotel. It was pouring. So, I was like, I'm just going to run. So, I ran like John Cusack in the rain, like big puddles, I'm soaked. Oh, yeah. Get to the hotel. Now, Patrick hasn't. Checked in. Oh, this poor guy. He's a goner. So, there's a new guy down there. This guy's like fun, stupid. owner guy he's like watching football it's like you know 11 30 i was like okay hey i go my name's uh joseph list i got i got two rooms i'm already checked into one i want to check into the other one if possible and uh it's not for me that's my buddy like can we can i check in and leave the keys for him he's like all right man he's like looks like you already have one of your two rooms I'm like, that's right. Yes. Oh, boy. That's what I said. So, yeah, I just need the other room there. And this guy, at least, is, like, friendly. And he's like, all right, so you need the other room. I'm like, yeah. He goes, need to be on the same floor? I go, no, I don't care. I'm drenched. Yeah. And I've been driving all day. We're going at 6 o'clock. We just shot the special. I'm just drained and drenched. I go, no, I don't care what floor it's on. He's like, well, do you have a preference of what floor? I'm like, I don't care. I was like, it's actually not even for me. So it doesn't really matter. And he's like, all right, we got two, three, four. Well, you're welcoming everything. You're welcoming the machines. I go, I don't know, man, just whatever. And he's like, OK. So he goes, boop, boop. He's scanning the keys and the thing. And I was like, should I just put my buddy's name on there? I can just put my buddy's name on it. That way, he can check in when he gets here. But he's like, but I'm just trying to check him in. So now he's exhausted. He's been filming. That way, he can just get the keys. So he gets the keys all set up. Beep, boop, beep, boop. 2-22. There you go. There you go, brother. I go, all right. Thank you. So now I'm holding the keys. And I go, but can I just leave these with you? And the guy's like, no, no, you can take them. It was like I was on a prank show. And I was like, well, the thing is, my buddy, he's about 30 minutes behind me. Yeah, did you hear anything I said? So I was like, I thought I'd just leave them here. And that way, they're just here. And his name is Patrick Holbert. And I'm like spelling his name. And the guy wrote it down, Holbert, OK. So I'm like, OK. So he'll be here in about 30 minutes. Thank you. And the guy's like, yeah. And then he picks up the keys. He goes, here you go. Oh, boy. It was like a sketch. I was like, OK, well, so but these are his keys. I don't need them. I have a room. I'm already in my room. So I put them back on the desk. I'm like, so I'll just leave these with you. That way, they're just ready. And he's like, well, no, I'll just make him a second set of keys. Why? Why? I'm like, why? Right, but I'm not staying. And he's like, but you can take those ones. I was like, but I don't. OK. Yeah, yeah. But why don't you just hold on to it? He'll be here in 20 minutes now. Just put them on the floor and walk away. You don't have to make new keys. You can just hand him these keys. And he's like, right, but those are for you. And I'm like, I'm not going in my route. But today, I'm not going on my route. It was like Abbott and Costello. Wow. I was like, OK, well, I guess I'll take these keys. But I'm like, you don't have to go through the trouble of making another set. If you don't have the keys, just keep these where they are. Don't even move. You don't have to do anything. Don't touch them. Leave them there. He's going to walk in in about now 17 minutes. And you go like this. There you go. There you go. He's like, all right. But he's like, well, either way. He's like, it's up to you. Either way. He goes, up to you. He's like, because I can make it. It's easy to make them. So I'm like, what am I going to do? All right, I'll just, these keys will sleep in my room. And then you'll make a second set of keys for a man whose room it is, but I don't have a room. That would be great if he was like, oh, I don't actually make the keys, man. I'm not going to wear the metal press back here copying keys. You're like, yeah, I got it. Just hand him these keys. Well, you know what it was? You can tell. You know what? You ever go to a hotel? It's like a Hyatt. This is a Hyatt place. Or a Hilton. And then you go there, and you realize it was a Motel 6 up until three weeks ago. And then Hilton bought it. They haven't done anything. They just slapped their name on it so they can charge 300 bucks. Right. Because the hotel. The elevator keys were all faded, and then the pictures are crooked, and the door is slow, and the people are slow. So you're like, I think Hyatt bought it and just hasn't done anything with it. Yeah, it's kind of like when you go on Spirit, and you're like, oh, you guys were Greyhound folks. I think Tim Dillon has a bit about this. Right. You guys are Greyhound folks. Spirit costs 350 more. So you got the Greyhound folks on a flight now. Now they got wings on a bus. Wings on a bus. It could be a name. It could be something. Welcome. Wings on a bus. Ladies and gentlemen, wings on a bus. Yes. Anyways, that's my story. I feel like I'm hogging here. What have we done? Two hours? Oh, okay. I'm so sick. I'm like, we must have been here for days. Yeah, it feels like you've been here a long time. You got the cold. The cold. I mean, this is a bad cold, though. Can colds have degrees? Of course. Oh, okay. Well, this is a humdinger. I mean, I am down and out here, Fatty. Well, you're tired, headaches, stuffed. Run down. I can't think straight. My head hurts. Head hurts. Head really hurts. Could be COVID. I don't want a broad noodle. I took a COVID test. No dice. All right. Also, no diarrhea, which is a COVID telltale. Yeah, I had diarrhea, but that was just my regular Tuesday diarrhea. You know, the poor wife is constipated with the preg. Oh, boy. Can't shit. She's backed up. Oh, that sucks. Yeah. She was on one today. Woo! My God. I was going through old photos of our wedding. I found a photo of her and Stavros. I don't know if she sent it to you. No. I just sent it her way. I was like, oh, look at that. This is a random photo. And then it was like. Opened up. I was like, holy fuck. And then it was nice because we agree on everything. So I was like, and what about this? Oh, that's fun. That's fun. So yeah, now we're buddies. But it was all started because you're like, how crazy is this? Yeah. Yeah. It's funny when you go through photos from 10 years. First of all, it's crazy how many people look different, breakups, divorces, and deaths from my wedding, which was nine years ago. And children. And then you're just like, Stavros is a big megastar. Yeah. Movies. And you and May had only been dating for a year at that point, I feel like. Yeah. I remember she was like, I got to make a good impression. All his friends are going to be there. And she dressed up. And she was like, I got to bring the heat. Right. And there's just X, Y. And girlfriends all over the place. Yeah. I remember drunk. Beth Stelling was at my wedding. Yes. Kim Cogden was at my wedding. Drunk Nate. Yes. Berner. Why am I fucking spacing on her name? Hannah Berner was dating Soder. Wow. Kim Cogden was dating Lewis. And who was? Kim Cogden. Oh. She was at my wedding. Beth was dating Sam. So I had all those. Whoa. All three of those women were at my wedding. Wow. Ari was there. Ari looks. I was going to say 10 years younger. That's hilarious. Ari looks. And was 10 years younger. Yeah. But it's crazy. He looks nice. He was 60 there. And I weigh 50 pounds less. It's crazy. I'm like a rail thin, baby. I remember that. Yeah, you were thin. It's insane. Joe Mackey was there. And Bobby Kelly must have been 450. Yeah. He was probably 400 pounds at the time. Joe Mackey. Wow. Things change, huh? It's crazy. It feels like slowly, one by one, people are going crazy. You're just trying to hang on. Yeah, yeah. You know, it's like those movies on a desert island where people start eating each other. And like a couple guys are like, we got to hang. We're going to get rescued. Don't worry. But everybody else is like, ah, zombie. It's also fascinating when you get married and then 10 years past, you know, friend circles change and you make new friends. So you're like, a lot of my closest friends now weren't at my wedding. Interesting. No Matt Wayne, no Rana, no Luke Bonas, no Isabel, no Karen Feehan. Whoa. Isn't that weird? Like none of those people are at my wedding. Yeah, you kind of, this sounds bummer-y, but you kind of start to realize, like, we think we're this comedy community, but it's just a bunch of wackos and big personalities we just bumped up with. Right. And, you know, not everybody gels in the long run. Right. Well, everyone that was there, well, most of the people that were there, I'm still friends with. It's like, you know, Greg Warren, Henry Phillips, you, Sam, Phil, although Phil I'd never see. Who else was there of our? Hamilton. Ryan Hamilton, of course. I mean, that's my buddy still. And Craig Stone and, I don't know, the Boston guys. Donnelly. Oh, yeah, Sean. Sean? Sean? Nick DePaul. And Sean had just got divorced, like, 10 minutes earlier. Yeah, I remember that. He texted me, like, the day before. He's like, just so you know, my wife's not coming. We got divorced yesterday. I was like, oh, Jesus Christ. I'm sorry, buddy. Yeah, DePaulo was there. Gary Gullman. Nick Griffin was there. And I remember being like, oh, shit, Nick Griffin. Griffin, yeah. He was a big time. Griffin dancing on the dance floor. Yeah, we had the big headliner table. It was like, Gullman. Sean, DePaulo, Bobby, and Nick Griffin. Crazy. That was a who's who over there. Yeah, it was really something. But anyways, it was special. And Star was at my wedding as well. What are you going to do? I know. That's when I realized how big he was. Because we were walking around. He was getting recognized left and right. I was like, holy shit. Yeah, and he's also easy to spot. Like, he's got a look. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, it's raining. It is coming down. Luckily, we got a bonus to do. Well, we got to wrap it up, folks. That's it from us. Juba Theater. Whoa, mama. Patience Day weekend, April 17th. Sarah's birthday. Come out to that. And then the Vic Theater in Chicago the month before that. March something. You can figure it out. Joe List Vic Theater. Go to that. And coming up, what have I got? What's the Stress Factory in? Bridgeport. Bridgeport. And Raleigh. Yeah, Raleigh's coming up. I think that's it for now. I don't know. Check out PunchUpLive.com. Go ahead and punch up and sign up for my email list. That's how you know when I'm coming to your town. And get excited for this Dan Bulger special that'll be out in a little while. I cannot wait. You got a title? There's a few. title ideas i like captain top hat and captain top hat is because there used to be this boston bar called professor toms oh yeah and we were like we should go there this is so long ago he called 411 and was like hey do you have the number for uh what's um captain top hat he said with all confidence just took a stab at professor toms was like what's the number for uh captain top hat captain and for years i wanted to make something use captain top hat for something so i think that's a great special title that's up there with salicus calling uh uncle laser aunt scissor uncle scissors uncle scissors because i got a great interview with uncle scissors that's the best all right i'm all over the road uh geez i'm coming to verona new york i'm going to connecticut at foxwoods all kinds of casino dates charlotte and the carolinas that's a north right charlotte is north yes i think uh michael jordan's from there he's from north carolina from north carolina carolina oh yeah that guard get on the patreon tell a friend queef it up i'm gay what do you got choo-choo train check out my podcast fun bearable but more importantly uh we are doing a very cool project it's a pilot with the crew of impractical jokers we just did a reshoot on sunday at the mall and had to avoid security it was very very anxiety inducing but the footage was great great stuff if you want to get involved we're still looking for backers because this reshoot came up so please subscribe to the channel and hit the bell icon so you don't miss out on any of the please dm me at discount chuck on twitter instagram get involved fun stuff film festivals lots of stuff happening thank you folks we'll see you all now