#678 Japanese Abortion

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hitter in the face of the surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah this Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy here we are folks the kids are in school we're not we're in sweatpants and we're here we're queer we're back and fear not this is good news or bad news that's what people have to decide I remember no fear that was huge big t-shirt brand and the barbed wire well people can decide for themselves what they want to feel but chuck is out salicuses in yeah those this way no don't eat them on air I won't eat anything on air but look at this my what's that called vacuum seal these there's no air in here hey still tight no air in the room oh man I got a funny one I don't know if it's we're allowed to talk about it though I don't know I figured out after well you want edit well good luck with that guy editing no he can't edit this place in a nude of a child well any who we're back salicuse on the ones and twos luckily his microphones under the chair because I shaved him because I saw him plugging it in great to see you there Sally boss yeah in the flesh with a sandwich big foot long hero he's crushing yeah good on you what's it a happy go more some I don't care for that yeah by the way salicuses kids schools next to mine evidently so every morning I wake up to breakfast today breakfast today breakfast today breakfast with the man I got enough time for breakfast I got not I got stuff going on we got a two-hour pod here I got the kids up my ass I got the gym and the thing and the other thing the rig I got the regs and we're editing the skank that's going to be epic mama seat down we can't wait to see it I mean this thing is going to be big screen wrap we might play at the sphere if they'll let us oh hey that's lunch well the sphere that's what we call rupert hey that's not bad but anyways where you been what are you up to what's making you gay what's making your heart hopefully we're not back in Vegas again with that skank fest because I heard it's in New Orleans this year but then I heard they're changing already yeah it's changing two years in New Orleans which I was two years in Vegas two years in New Orleans I felt like we had a home I felt like the the roots were planted or whatever you call the stakes were we're hammered in actually there's three years in Vegas I guess well but when we were leaving Vegas we were like oh shit no more Vegas then we went to New Orleans and New Orleans rules so maybe the next one will be even better I mean that's one of the great photos of all to it was lunch you send that to Chuck so we can put it right here is that Nola oh that's last summer oh yeah that's a big room fall whoa who you on there that's Lewis Lewis hold me up in the air well dirty dancing I mean look at that crowd wow that's magic you take that photo wow that is something else glad Salicus was taking photos as he was one of my camera operators who made some great stills coming out of that fist every 10 minutes I look over his posing people just taking photos this guy the irony of being called stills with you on the blower yeah just a full full Michael Jay Steven stills Graham Nash are you eating famous right in front of me you son of a bitch that's quite a lunch you got there quite a feedback you work and a foot long hero and a chip boy and like a retarded get it lunch at a swim party so what's going on with the hell you a bit like father's gay I got a fun proposition for you not gonna like it I can't wait if it's fun I like it you're gonna hate it if I hated it's not fun we're not going to breakfast with him when he's in your neighborhood you're gonna hate this idea well it's just well first of all this week Sarah's out of town then we had so I only have this window I got I got 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. that's a chunk of a win but this is what seven hours this is two hours six this is two and a half hours right here that's true I'm gonna leave at 10 15 so I have eight to 10 15 I see I got to come here and this is silly goof goofing off silliness oh yeah but we're goofing off it's all pipes now if I go off with him that's that's all the time I got no I got no what time I see I gotta get a walk in I gotta get a meditation in I gotta check in with my ex-girlfriends I gotta edit fast I got a I got a I got a short film I'm editing you gotta work out make the show where you got to read the taxes crossword puzzle so there's all that stuff so we're gonna get the breakfast in we'll get the breakfast but when Sarah's out of town it's no good I this is I got I'm doing 15 different things I got a vacuum I got to clean the dishes I got to get the thing ready I got to get lunch ready I got to put away the breakfast okay so uh skip any but we believe I got you all right well so look give me the prop okay well you know I've really been noodling on you leaving it's starting to really know about this does it oh it's out there Jerry oh everyone knows it's out like Lance Bass I'm out Jerry and I'm loving every minute of it but by the way now it's autumn which is the worst because it's so nice here beautiful blue sky cool breeze that's the thing I do my morning walk I do an hour walk you can't keep up with me look at those little legs it's true it'd be it'd be in the dust it'd be hitting the oxygen machine I know your feet are really hitting the floor bread Williams and it's one of those size fours look at his feet yes but not even feet there slight extensions of his legs what what just a foot all right so yeah well it makes you feel better three doors down great band there's a homeless there's a one brownstone that's an unoccupato because it used to be a church or something no one's buying it I think the city owns it mom Donnie there's a hobo now on the steps he's got a book out there a game boy a dildo pet rat it's bad well I gotta tell you and I don't want I never want a harp but it is over there it's whatever I don't know but over here it is zombie land I mean I ran into four zombie-esque cooks on the walk from the train to here right yes wow four there's two blocks they're all like those kind of guys staring at you and then last week I texted you guys I was leaving here this very podcast hop on the four train and immediately I got the headphones in airpa what are the racons in of course I believe home without the racons sure Gaikon and you just hear like faint and I'm like this oh I think there's something going on I look over dead eye contact thanks a ruper and the guys going oh fuck you fuck you think I'm a fucking what so now you got to turn the volume down to be like how threatening is this he's looking right at me and then you have that but that longest three and a half minutes of your life yeah on the subway in the car door the target yeah and it's me and seven women and just this guy fuck you fucking motherfucker yeah you going all right so hopefully this guy you got hopefully hits the women first exactly but it was right at me I think is you know to him I'm the white hipster doofus you're the white devil so we get to the next stop and your heart's racing you're just like oh my god you're you're just in a tin can yes with a literal psychopath sure screaming directly at you which is an experience most people aren't having at any point in their life of course let alone relatively often now it's a reality show yeah can you be sealed in with a deranged lunatic covered in shit aids and syringes yeah so then the next we get to the next stop finally I'm like okay and then like me and three women all like story off we're like a team like whoo yeah fucking all right we're back we're back we had a little technical difficulty we we had yeah a little Salah Q's difficulties dropped a cookie on the zoom yeah broke everything well Salah Q's you know it's not it's not photography and it's not philosophy so you know philosophy boy I don't even know about that but I love he did the tap on the zoom which is what pilots do when the plane starts going down they always tap on the on the dials on the instruments don't tap on the glass what's the tapping it to do tap to it's tapping yeah screen went black everything went black so I don't know what you miss probably something hilarious yeah tap that is you got to love the diet Pepsi with the foot long and the famous aim is by the way that's a classic classic we gotta go let me let me shame if you calories off my beverage while eating a bag of cookies all right so I was talking about my prop prop eight prop comic all right by the way Kirit top hope you're doing all right out there what happened what happened oh he tried to commit suicide kill himself I love to catch a predator guy I had my my joke was he tried to kill himself but the flag was that said bang just popped out that's fun that's not bad that's fun I mean I didn't tweet it but I said it's a Sarah and she was like that's good I had a my joke was he he was some doing some gay stuff so I said more like Kirit bottom oh he was doing gay stuff That's the rumor. And he killed himself sent a video to an opener and it was sexual Oh, and the opener was like give me $500,000 or release his video you sent me and then he went and tried to kill himself That's a horrible person. Totally. Who's the opener? This guy should be publicly shamed. I heard it was Matt Wayne So who knows? I mean, that's terrible terrible. That guy's the bad guy. That's a crime not care at man Isn't that a crime? Isn't that blackmail or extortion extortion? Yeah, yeah Yeah, ancient. I wonder what proper use to try to do it right now. What was it like a punching Why are you going with the spring? But either way. Hopefully he's all right. We love you carrot You're a good egg and a hell of a hell of a hell of a guy. Scott. There you go. Scott something He's clearly going through stuff with the face and the hair and the props like leave the man alone Just just blow the guy already. Yeah, you try to kill yourself. Something's up. Yeah, so hopefully all right. There's got a By the way when Norm died Carrot top put out a nice piece and showed the video of him zinging him on Conan And he was like I always thought that was hilarious Norm's the man and I remember thinking now that's a comic Oh, that's sweet. Well everyone that goes to see Carrot Top says the best show ever. Shane Moss is joking about it Like everybody loves Carrot Top. Yeah Great. I heard him on a pot. He was really a funny and cool. So hopefully you're all right there. Scott. That was got it Yeah, and he does. Yes, carrot top and Kathy Griffin are one of the same, but He's not on the serious list Oh really? Well, you can have props over the airways. What is this list you're talking about? Well, hold on. Oh, I got I got nine things. Is the screen? Oh, okay All right, Steve you stare at the screen. That's it Uh, so we got the hobo three doors down band. Yeah I don't know what you heard they suck And you're leaving. Yeah, I'm out you're out now. It's like a death is what I was saying. Ah, yes It doesn't hit you till later. Uh-huh, you know when you're like, oh You know Dolly Parton died. How about that? She had some big cans. All right that Rick. Oh, well. She had some big jugs and our bands field And you're like, all right, what are you gonna do? And then two days go by you're you scratching your ass in a hotel in Birmingham when you go Ah, no more Dolly and you know, I'm misty. I suppose misty green. So Uh, I'm having that with you leaving. Oh, I thought the kids were gonna grow up together I thought you'd be coming over for a cup of sugar. Oh boy. Oh, it's all we had a pact. No packs. No pack There was no pack. We all live in this hellscape together. It was part of our our lives. Now no pack But I do remember years ago like 15 years ago. You're like, yeah, I guess we'll have to go to LA at some point And I was like, what are you crazy? No one's leaving LA. We can't go to LA New York. Fuck LA. Woody Allen. Cherry Seinfeld 9/11. So that was close to a pact. I guess but no LA. You know There's no packs. No packs. No packs. No, no no packed officially, but you know, I thought we had a I thought we had a Unwritten agreement. Wow, it's a one-year lease. First of all, we'll sign it. I mean, it's a one-year year after a year You go, uh, this sucks. It's too hot. My father's gay. What's the matter with you, Matt? What do you say? What are you talking about? Not every lease is a one-year lease. People buy homes. This isn't a one-year lease. You have a mortgage. I've re up the lease. What do you mean? Every year You're renting this house Yeah, what are you talking about? That doesn't make any sense I want a terrible contribution. Every lease is a one-year lease. The police I had before was a two-year lease. They have five-year Leases ten-year leases mortgage. People buy houses with cash comics. At least Yeah, that's not bad. Thanks That's better than you're good. So anyway, it's hit me. I thought the kids were gonna grow up I thought we're gonna be doing this pod with with gray hair and then no no boners. We got gray hair All right. I'm pretty gray on the side. You know what I mean? Well, we can keep doing the pod and then we visit you bring the boy down I bring the boy up here. I mean, we live in New York City Manhattan to Brooklyn You might as well live in different planets. Well, it's 18 minutes. That is very fast. I got here I left my house at 10 35. I was here at 11 55. Come on. It's crazy. Wait, what? Whatever 10 55 20 minutes took me 20 minutes to get here. You dodge a couple hobos. You get screamed at and you're here Yeah, you just have to risk your life. Yeah, that's how we should measure New York distance You could hit four uh, cooks get yelled at and called a cocksucker and a white devil and then your home somebody had that bit It's the only when I started there was somebody in New York that had somebody in Boston had that bit or maybe it was here Somebody is the only city you can give directions by smell you go down Broadway You smell a homeless guy you make a left you gotta smell a little bit of dog shit Something like that. That was the bit do the Naderman one you go to down Broadway Oh, the guy's like I'm gonna find a buyer. I can get laid. He goes. Oh, you want to get laid? Do you want to go down Broadway and turn gay? That's good. Yeah, well, it'll be sad. It'll be sad different town, but Do we talk about this already? Most of the things I will miss about New York. I'm no longer living that life anyways It's like you go through the New York. I'm like, oh, what are you? What do you love about New York? And I'm like the seller late night. I haven't done the seller. I don't hang out late anywhere. The kid knocked out all of my New York late night stuff You know, like I actually get invited to invite only Alabama shakes and a Soho venue today And I'm like I mean, I'm like I got Sarah's out of town. I'll bring the boy. I got a babysitter tomorrow already So I'm like, I don't think so. Wow Man, but oh man, it's Mickey and so late night. I haven't eaten late night dinner in years. We'll see. No, I have a theory on that I still haven't gotten to the prop by the way. Prop comic I think Texas. Well, no, but With a kid a kid is like being in a functioning alcoholic. You can still have a life You know some guys are drunks, but they still make it work. They get up for work every day They love their wife. They raise their kid They they they pay their bills, but they're in alcoholic. All right. I feel like with a kid you can still function With two kids, you're you're a fall down drunk. You're not going to work. You're not doing anything I suppose so you got one kid you can still make that Alabama Yeah, well, I just have to get a babysitter, but then you know, it's a last-minute babysitter And I already have a babysitter tomorrow nights, and now it's two nights in a row. I'm not saying night to my kid It's all in what you value. I'd rather hang out with my boy and put him down and say good night Not have to deal with where you're going. What are you doing? Hey, there's a night after that. I'm doing isabel's Q&A at her movie I gotta go to that. So Yeah, it's all in what you you value and what you want. I guess now that's fair now now now here's the prop and you're not going to like it So I'm just prepping you now, but I can't wait So you're gonna leave and go to Texas everybody said yada yada we had a pact and then You're gonna come back Okay, you know occasionally do the pod do some sets see the city whatever I got an extra room here if you need to stay here Stay here. I'd love to stay here. That's not a bad prop that's a good prop free. Hope you know no hotel pay Extra bedroom. You got a bathroom close to the airport close to the airport. You can go pop around the city And I get to see you can I jerk off you can do pod jerk off you can jerk off now all right Well, I might might try it all right just throwing it out there because then I get to see you. I'd be happy to stay Yeah, well, we're podcasting anyway So yeah, it gives you a place to stay. I just have to sprint to get to the subway. That's true. You can't stroll here Well, I assume you're gonna gain 48 pounds down in Kaiso land That's very possible in barbecue and no walking everything's bigger in Texas included that good I'm open my cock grows. We'll see I don't know about that one. Yeah, I'd be happy to stay here I mean if you will if the wife will let me I don't know she loves a good hang I mean, you know it gives you your own room. Yeah, I'll babysit okay There you go. I can't believe the prop is uh being absorbed occasionally No, no pressure. Yeah, maybe a night one night. That'll save you $500 We let the world in on uh how often you see each other When you're not potting other than the pot how often you see each other a month It's rare. I mean, it's a rare zero. I always I uh stand Wednesday night Aaron Berg put on a big cigar event the foundation cigar which is fun as hell I'll take those off your hands. Wait, maybe it's the other drawer. Oh, I was smoking like a homo in the 80s Yeah, that was a nice foundation is a great great company now you can take the uh the darkie Yeah, I'll take the darkest. That's too rich for my one. This one right here. This tabernacle is fucking fantastic Oh, really? Yeah, all right. There you go folks. That'll be your two. You're you're a weak boy. You can't handle that thing. No, no, no That's like uh, he's delicate Yeah, I just uh put a job soon. Thank you foundation. Yeah, Nick big Nick big nice Hi there folks this week's episode of Tuesday's Restoys is brought to you by draft kings an official partner of the national basketball association It's now available in all 50 states finally. Whoa. So wherever you live follow your favorite NBA stars Get excited about the biggest matchups and lock in on those buzzer beating moments. Oh, yeah And with draft kings it's all in one app. All right. This is a long one folks get ready download the draft king's sports app and use code Tuesday's new draft kings customers can spend five and get 200 and total bonuses paid within 21 days includes all markets. That's code Tuesdays in partnership with GraphKings. The crown is yours. Bet with DK Sportsbook. You got a gambling problem called 1-800-Gamble. 1-800-Myreset. - Hell yeah. - Connecticut call 888-789-7777. Orbs at ccpg.org. On behalf of Boothilkoceno in Kansas, who attacks pass through May, apply in Illinois. - How you got that right? - 21 plus, Boyd in Canada. Event contract trading with GraphKings. Predictions involves risk of loss. Available varries. Predictions offer void in New York. - Get him. - Get him. - Get him, sir. Get to bet to get bonus bets that expire in seven days. - Trade to get prediction dollars that expire in 150 dollars in rewards that should every seven days via click-to-claim for 21 days. This is crazy. One non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Imagine Jerry's still trying to read this. - Oh my God. - One non-drawable reward redeemable. How do you say those words in a row? Terms at decayng.co/audio. I'm gonna throw up. - Wow. - Come on. I'm not done. Limited time offer. Nationwide based on sports book predictions and free-to-play sports contest availability varies by state. - Hey folks, just as we're running by Quince. Life's too short to wear clothes. You don't love Quince makes pieces. You'll want to wear over and over again. - I love Quince. - Me too. Quince does high quality casual style. Better than anyone else out there. Whether it's gym clothes, warmth for the summer or even formal attire. Quince says everything you need to get dressed up and get out there. Check out essential layering pieces like 100% organic, cotton, henlies and teas, crisp looking, marino wool bombers, featherless quilted jackets, and responsible down hooded parkas to take on the season. My Lord, responsible. - Quince is fantastic. - They are the best. I mean, we don't know what the hell to wear. These people send us stuff or we buy stuff and it fits. It looks good. It looks sharp. People are impressed. We're in our 40s, gosh darn it. We gotta act like it. - You got it. - I got it. - Quince convinced me. - Hey. - No, that was even Quince. - That's not bad. - There we go. Yes. I love it. I got a suede jacket that's the boss. - Do I know how to say? - No cap. Quince doesn't just make great clothes right now. Get two pairs of polarized sunglasses for just 75 clams or elevate your recovery with the thorough gun by Thera Body at an amazing price. I love that gun. Massage it. Quince part is directly with ethical factories to cut out the middle men's. So everything is priced at 50 to 80% less than similar brands. Find your next fall favorites at Quince download or go to Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too when Quince asks where you heard about him. Let him know it was Tuesday's or stories folks. It's the best way to support the show. Quince, we love you. Back to the show. So we went there to stand and it was, that was who's who's happening. Now this was a reminder of why it's nice to go do sets because you have stuff to talk about. My wife and I were with the kid all day and you just go afterwards you're like, "Oh, that was cute." He said that thing, that was cute. When you go to a spot, you're like, "Guess who's fat, guess who's ugly, guess who broke up, guess who's old now." - Sebastian's in trouble. - Yeah, I got it. - So that was fun. It was great group too. We had Luca Farrow, you got to meet. Luca Farrow, the hot whoop, who's dead, was upset that I called him a Dago. - Yeah, his dad was very upset. So we talked about Luca Farrow. - Sorry there, but I'm a pie's on, I'm a half a pie, I'm a son. - Well, you said Dago, which is no good 'cause he was mad about Dago. And I was like, I'd never said that word in my life, not from any kind of moral reason. It's just not in my vernack. - Yeah, but I love a good Dago and my mom's a big sloppy guineae. So I feel like, yeah, it's like black and word. - Well, he was upset, his father's an old school guy and he said, we need a crack. He's like, he's got, he need a crack. - If he needs some crack, come to my street down here. So don't crack us there, Luca pops. But anyway, he's a great guy. I got to see him, Dayton Bissett, who's aged like 15 years. - Well, he's, he's got a tough go at home, that kid. He's getting beaten. He's sleeping in the, well, I don't know if I can say it. - You can say it. - I think you can say it. - The poor Twink is sleeping in the same bed with his lady who has broken up with him. So now they have an angry sleep. - This is, this is New York summed up. - Yes, it's a reality show as well, this is. - Remember Burr had the great bed about New York real estate about how Yoko Ono stayed at the, at the Dakota? Like her husband was shot in the face four times and she's like, I'm not leaving this building. - Wow, that's great. - That's a great bed, but this is even worse. It's like, they're broken up, they're living in the same mattress. Which doesn't make sense at some point, just finger each other. But Dayton Bissett looks 35 years older. He's got like stubble and a fucking jawline. He's like a hot California surfer guy. - Yeah, I don't know. He's starting to look like Goldie Hawn out there. You know, he's blonde and he's sagging. He's wrinkly. I think this lady's really wear it on him. - Well, I mean, if I was, if I, my wife and I broke up and I was sleeping in the same bed with her, I mean, that would be, - Oh, I'd be hell on earth. I told him, I was like, you got to make a show out of this. This is a, write this down 'cause this is gold. I mean, he looks right, looks like Tom Petty. - But the problem is, no one believes it. Everyone would be like, why doesn't one of you sleep in the cut? Like, get out of here. - Well, that's New York, you broke, you got no dough and you got nowhere to go. But I would say like, hey, you got to stay with a friend. Stay at your house. - He's at my house. - Yeah. - He's going away and-- - You let that boy in your home. - Stacey will be pregnant by the end of the week. - He was hard as a rock. - You kidding? - What's the Chris Hansen line when he has, when he busts the predator? - Have a seat. - Have a seat. - What are you doing here? Help me, help me understand, was this big thing? - Oh, yeah, help me understand why you went up being a little child. - Yeah. - So he said he was like, I was like, is it too much taken care of the dog who's like, you kidding? Is this the greatest week of my whole life? - Yeah, he said-- - Oh, yeah, yeah. He's like blown away. - It's the worst ad for Casper ever. Just two people on a mattress hating each other. - That's tough. But anyways, what are we talking about? I don't know. Oh, when do we see each other? Yeah, we saw each other there. - That's about it. - I mean, skank fest will be seeing each other. - Sure, sure. - And that's not even here though, that's a different state. - That's true. But yeah, well, I haven't been doing sets too often anymore. So, there you go. - Yeah. - But once it's wintertime, we have hangs at our place. But it's hard to have a hang, 'cause when it's warm out, everyone wants to go outside. And when you have a toddler, you can't hang outside, 'cause the toddler just runs away. We've tried. - Right, right. - You go, "Oh, well, meet in the park." And then he just takes off. So you're like, "I'll see y'all, you guys later." Sometimes my wife ends up hanging out with my friends, 'cause I'm the one that chases the kid. - It's crazy to think about a year ago, you had a hang at the house. We all hung out and Stavros was hanging. And my kid high five Stavros, whatever, whatever. And I'm like, "I don't know if he could do that now." - What do you mean? - He's so famous. - Hang out at my house? - Yeah. Why would he be able to hang out? - He's just too busy. - Oh, busy. - I thought you meant like-- - No, he's not like big time. - I just think he's like so, he's in Tahiti, shooting a new calendar. - I know, these guys are so busy. It's crazy. I was watching the Phillies game the other day and they had a crazy comeback. A text in Shane and he responded. It was like, "I know, it's nuts." And then as he responded, it's like, I'm like, "Oh, he wrote back. That's nice. I look up and he's on the TV." - Oh my God. - It's like his bike commercial. It's like the most bizarre thing. - Oh, I thought he was at the game. - No, no, no. He's watching the game, but you're just like, "Oh, he's right there." - I always say he's the forest gump of comedy, you know? He's just the retarded guy. He's just living the life. He's got a football helmet on. He's just plowing through. Every time I open my phone, it's like, Shane at the UFC or Shane at the whatever. He's with his dad on the field and they're high-five it and the kiss of the lady. - He's living the right way and he's good for him. - I had this realization. I had Tom Dusty with me this past weekend in Tampa. I had Tom and Matt Wayne, which was great. We were the whole show. - Wow. - My two best buds on the show are all hanging out, whipping it up, yapping it up. - No friction, no, hey, I'm the friend. I'm the friend. - No, no friction, but it is the, it's like the gaffigan bit of combining friends. - Yeah, it's a lot of work. - 'Cause, you know, Tom's got, you know, he's pretty blue. You know, he's got some racial humor. He's not, he's not shy about the racial humor. - But you can't, you can't have an opener who can't hang out with a little racial, racial blue, blue, long. - No, but you know, you don't prepare. So, you know, all of a sudden, you're like, hey, like, that's fucking scoop boop boop boop. This guy's like this. Whoa, I didn't know we were doing that. - Oh, wow. - So, you know, it was like, is that kind of situation? And then he's doing movie lines that he doesn't get. - Got it. - So you got this and that and the other thing. - Does Tom know the sign-filled mocap? - No. - I mean, he's seen Simon, but he's not like, like, we are. So the fingers are gonna love all that bag noise. - Oh, yeah. - But, yeah, I think it was great. I mean, they're just too hilarious, fun, easy. guys to hang and talk with um but what was I gonna say was a Tampa oh my god we're in Tampa oh I wanted to get into this other thing I was gonna say I started talking to Tom I'll put a bookmark in it Tampa was the best literally the best every and I say that I saw this before I know this because I taught and they showed the clip of us talking about this every time I do science players I'm like why aren't I filming my special here best crowds of all time every show was packed out unbelievable did kalta Bobby was in town he was in port Charlotte so I got to do radio with Bobby me Bobby and kalta which was great was 8 am now is 9 am would not that that's better and did the classic radio thing too is this barbecue and hot dogs and mac and cheese like you want something like what do you have your mind it's a little early 30 I would eat all of it we haven't even gotten into a story we're halfway through holy shit is that recording tap it oh boy tap to see taparoo so anyways every show was fucking lights out unbelievable 100% of the shows were wow even the 6 p.m. which turns out to be the best it was just magical and BT is the best he knows that everybody knows it BT is the man how'd you rotate it with the with the openers um Tom hosted and Matt featured the first show then they just went every other uh so Tom hosted three Matt hosted get it got it but then of course Tom classic Tom you know he quit drinking a lot a while ago a year year and a half ago now which is a miracle thanks to their film I think in large part didn't see that coming so but he's still been smoking weed every day for 40 years okay so he's hosting the show mats up and I always time the person on the front of me so I know if I have time to shit or piss or how much time I have so I look and I go oh shit he's he's at 14 and a half minutes and Tom's like oh all right so I walked we leave the green room Tom's with me I walk into the show room I watched the end of Matt said he's crushing he's great crowds are hot that's it for me thank you I said thank you crowd whoo no Tom he's gone so I have to just yell out uh I guess just bring me up and then it was fun because I went up and I was like Tom killed himself he's dead and that killed they were hot ground but yeah in between us leaving the green room Tom's brain just went shut down and he and this is sober guy he took a piss he went outside he's smoking a cigarette he's just out there and shot him and hold this guy that's fun smoking a butt and then he comes in goes uh where did Joe go on stage like about eight minutes ago you didn't bring him up you guys are union and yang you're the timer guy the neurotic gay what the hell where we at and he's like cool as a cute come I mean we left the green room together I was like all right he's got two minutes he's like all right I'll go smoke a cigarette that's like the grub are the uh Tony rock that Tony would yeah Tony Woods is at a hotel in Aruba and the opener or the hope the host who the host goes Tony I just lit Dan and he goes I'll jump in the shower the best he's black so uh yeah no Tommy's the best and he fucking murdered it was fun to see Tom outside of QS I've only seen him QS the last 10 years right so watching him with a cushy middle spot at a hot club wait it's magical I mean he was fucking murdering he has this cat bit that maybe you've seen it's one of the best bits of all time I believe I have seen the cat bit it's like one of the all time come on really it's crazy wow when he was always I had him open for me once at lap Boston and he's so damn funny and charming oh yeah you know it's the hardest thing to follow is not just a killer comic but a comic whose the crowd likes they like him right he's say he's so lovable and uh he's like slinging with the accent and I come up there and I'm like uh what's up with Uber you take a lift but you don't buy a train back and they're like bring the the the the bean town cat back here bring out the beast so yeah I'm good I'm glad to see Tom is he was hilarious as a fall down drunk oh yeah now he's a fresh boy he's thriving he cannot not be funny but yes yes so why do I want to get to with the Shane and Stavros stuff ah we were talking about our low self esteem and Boston the city of Boston and how the comedy scene there just beats you there any any effort to succeed in Boston was completely frowned upon and it shaped me any kind of like oh I took a trip down to New York and what you fucking doing down there you fucking New York you think you better than us called the tall poppy LA fucking you better not I'm not fine you going to LA but when you're trying to do something yeah right right so it was built in but it never occurred to me and this let's this was for 20 years that when we were starting out it had come not even starting out 2012 15 2020 that guys like Seinfeld or Paul rise or already Murphy that'd be more of those guys and they would come from our group hmm like young comics that were in the clubs yeah I didn't know that was even on the menu it felt like those guys came from outer space oh like Dave Chappelle and Steve Martin Steve Martin it felt like those were these weird aliens yes bill Cosby yes it never even crossed my mind that people I was hanging out at the creek with worked their way up would be an arenas yes yes like not only like oh I never thought shults or stover like specific guys I'm talking like are got anybody it didn't occur to me that anybody I knew would be in a stadium or in a movie right right and now it's like you have you Sam Shane Stavros uh shults all these guys Tim Dylan is huge that have TV shows and Ron TV shows and movies it's just it was like a blind spot that like oh some of us will be famous I mean if you it's crazy you told me 20 years ago watching Theo Vaughan in a bar in New Orleans that he'd be talking to Trump mom Donnie Bernie Sanders uh Joaquin Phoenix right Jeff Bridges I'd be like get the fuck out of here that guy that's fucking mullet wicker no it just didn't tell this title it just did not even kind of trust my mind that that might happen it's like somebody that gets like you know uh that has like a kid that gets cancer or a person that dies in a car wreck you're like I just never even thought this could happen to me right or someone that's in a school shooting you're like I just thought that was a thing that happened elsewhere I'm her when Nate got out an hour on Comedy Central we were like oh my god everybody showed up but it was it was it the film more no the uh Irving the one we used to do Irving called Grammarcy Grammar see Lewis Jay Gomez opened wow make our guests into the special and Lewis Jay Gomez was the opener which is those are two opposite ends of the asshole now in an anal yeah that's wild oh boy so he plays arenas and some's going on with him that's true I don't know who's by the time yeah yeah so basically if you want to dive into that were you done I think I'm done yeah I was gonna know I didn't know if you had the whole thing up to that but uh yeah so Sebastian signed up to be the new host of Sirius and they're replacing the raw dog channel right which was a channel that was the dirty channel they played 800 or so comedians uh famous not famous rich poor whatever and now they said Sebastian's taken over we're only playing famous people right and you so uh a lot of these other comics who were getting a check every month are now no check yes check Republic check uh checks in the mail check the mail I guess check check check it out for check yeah uh Howard Chuck yeah I don't know it's uh I don't know what to do exactly because I people were texting like hey post on this day and then uh my wife said I had the kid all day and then by the end my web guy like 11 o'clock was like hey do you want a post everyone's posting I'm like what do you mean posting yeah so yeah I was late to the thing but hopefully I mean this will be two weeks later hopefully hopefully it's fixed but something happened I think in and Sebastian's defense I think he just got a email from his agent and he was like oh yeah I'll do the serious thing how much money do I get okay great I don't think he was like fuck these young comics oh no way bag them in the ass they should they don't deserve money or work so I don't think I don't love all the pointed piling on on this uh Wap Dego comic you know you need a crack yeah so uh it seems like it would be more on serious I mean I get I don't know anything about the fucking inner workings other than a bunch of people are losing money which sucks ass but I don't yeah I just there's no way Sebastian was like no no no no take take the food out of their mouth right right exactly and then we do that a lot we just go who's the face of it it's but it should be serious but serious can go we're a corporation we can just go fuck off we didn't see the email boy Sebastian he's sitting there that poor guy woke up to a bowl of spaghetti and Manacotti and he was like whoa Gugat's but I think the hope is it's like Jordan with the sneakers like it's not Michael Jordan's fault using slave labor but he has the power to say hey I'm not gonna wear your sneakers he never did this but he's like I'm not gonna wear your sneakers until you find and get some working conditions. So I think the hope is if Sebastian becomes aware, which he's not aware, he'll say, "Hey, what the fuck? "I don't want to be the guy that's taking money "out of the boobly boops." So put the boobly boops back on the bigity binks. - Yeah, I agree. You're right, I just don't like, I've seen some people were like, "Fuck you, C-Bass, I'm coming after you, "you need a crack." And you're like, "Why are you yelling directly "at this fucking grease ball?" - Right, right, so. - Yeah, I mean-- - It's annoying. - I make serious, but yeah, I don't know what the rationale is, but maybe also it's possible. There's always more to everything. New aunts. - It's possible too, they're like, yeah, we did the analytics and every time Steve butchies comes on, they change the channel 'cause they wanna hear Dave Chappelle. - I love butchies. - So maybe they're tied or Steve butchies. I don't know the details, but I hope it gets remedied or they make a new channel called up and coming channel. - Uh-huh. - But the other thing that's nice is I, as an artist, loved or a consumer of art, I should say, I like to hear from the different people. - Yeah, me too, you find new Jews and you go, "Hey, and you're on a road trip," and you go, "This guy's good." - My favorite serious radio channel is Little Steve's Underground Garage. - What's that now? - That's channel 21, it's Steve Van Zant, his hand picked stuff. That's what's a lot of rarities and weird bands you may not have heard of. You're not gonna hear, let's create a pop on there, but you might get some weird all-girl punk band from the '60s or some weird shit. - Oh, that's cool. - And it's Stevie, so it's like, it's a proof. I think he actually does the channel. - Yeah, well, that's funny. That's just what radio used to be. - Right. - You know, like, "Oh, who's this band?" Or, "What is it, K-Rock?" When I was playing new shit. - Right. - By the way, up and coming. Great name for a new porn star. That should be a category. Up and coming. - He's up and coming. - Yeah. - That's pretty good. - New guy in the business. All right. All right. Well, we gotta have a way halfway through. We haven't even gotten to a goddamn story. - Hey, we heard about Tampa a little bit there. What the fuck? Boy, you know what I had the other night? I took the wife, what? My whole thing is I do a big, big road gig on the weekend. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, seven shows. You do three Saturday, two Friday, two Thursday. And you get a lot of work done. I was just in Denver, one of the top clubs. - Of course. - I did as a photo of me, you, Ari, and Sean Patton in the green room. And I was like, oh yeah. We did that storytelling weekend. - That was great. - What year you think that was? - 2018. - That's crazy. That's eight years ago, almost nine. - In fact, to slice it all together with the Cleveland backer story, that was the last time I saw a Becca before the yoga. - Wow. - Wow. - But she's crazy. 'Cause there was like nine of us. Yeah, yeah. She came to the show. - I remember that. - Yeah. We all went well. She's better looking than we thought. - She's better. - Yeah. But yeah, that's just crazy. It flies by and so much is chained. You got kids and, you know, maybe on the way and you're leaving. And it's just, whoo, mama. These chapters of the book just keep flying by. - Yeah, it goes by. - Yeah. Time is a fickle, fickle bitch. And you can't beat it. - It keeps moving. - It just keeps marching along. - And if you're thinking you can beat it, just look across the room. - Woo. - Yeah, that's quite a time right there. - So Denver is amazing. One of the great clubs, a guy gave me a hamburger from across the street. He's like, I'm working a burger joint. I'm gonna run over and give you one. I said, great. I met him in the back stairs. Took the burger, ate it, went on stage. But the club is so hot that I almost was uncomfortable. When you're like, okay, the setup killed. I still got a punchline here. Hopefully they're listening enough to get the punchline. And then you're like, okay, I want to try some nougues. They're so hot, but then the new kills and you're like, is that real? Or is that Denver? - Right. - What is it about? Something about these towns that are like Denver, Phoenix, Philly, Buffalo, San Francisco. They're just great comedy crowds. Then you go to fucking, I don't know, Fort Worth. And I'm like, whoo, they hate me here. - Right, Syracuse. - Syracuse. It's fascinating how that works with cities. - Wow, it's also the club itself. - I think it's built nice and it's got the reputation for being great and they don't have any bullshit in there. - Yeah, they go soap opera people coming in, I think. - Oh, that's part of it. No stormy Daniels, no Chris Katan, the horse shit. - Right. - But you had a great weekend and then I fly home Sunday. That's when we've got the 7 a.m. flight. You got to get up at five. You got to get out of there at 5.30. Get to the airport for six. The Denver airport is that it's the worst thing the maneuver in America. - What's the biggest airport? It's crazy. - Is that right? - And it's supposed to be Haunted. - Wow. - There's all kinds of crazy illuminati nonsense 'cause it's on a burial ground. Most shit. - I don't think Blizzard people live under the Denver airport. - That's right. - Wow. - At least fucking. - Well, they probably have an easier time getting around in those tunnels than they got it on the tram and everything. There's nothing worse when you get to the airport and there's an east and a west. So you're like, okay, which one am I? And then you get to the right one. And then you're like, all right, I got to get to security and then you're like, I made it. Where's my gate? Oh, I got to ride a dumb train, like a Jewish person. And that train was more pleasant. And then they have to, they do the thing with the doors open. They play that guitar riff. - Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, boom, boom, boom, boom. And you're like, oh, I guess I got to get on the train. And then you're squished on the train. - That's how old in there that airport. It's like ground rug and tank lighting. It's very depressing. - It looks like a casino on the old Vegas side. - Yeah, yeah. And then you finally get off the train. And then it's like, all right, I'm at gate 53. Oh, this is gate eight, nine. So you just gotta hit those walkways, those moving walkways. You finally get there, whatever. Got on the train, watch the invite. - Pretty good. - Look out on the play. - I haven't seen it. Sarah wanted to walk out. She hated it. - Why? - Everybody loves it. I thought it was fun, but I was solid. - I got to see it. - It's all dialogue. And Seth Rogan, he's hadn't been this funny since locked up. - I'm kidding. - Yeah. - Well, check it out. I gotta see it. So weird when people, you got 50 people that love a movie and then two people that are like, I wanted to leave. I wanted to burn the house down. - Wow. Yeah, I'm not saying it's Annie Hall, but it was a fun plane movie. And this is like digger. I know, I know, he's a young digger, but digger please, but I keep getting mixed review. I don't know what's right. It's like the Cornell 7, I'm like, I don't know what to believe anymore. - Right. - That's like unbelievable change my life. Best thing I've ever seen. It's art at the greatest scale. Then somebody like walked out, hated it. Tom Cruise, it's bombing financially. - Interesting. - It made eight million on a budget of like, you know, 200 something million. - Yeah. - Eight mil for a Tom Cruise movie. - Well, yeah, he's not, he's not Tom Cruise. He's got puffy face and he's older and he's, you know, he's digging. - Right. - Tom Cruise, they want to see with one hand on the back of a jet. - I guess so. Yeah, you want to see him, but he is a fun actor. I mean, I remember him in "Tropic Sun." - Of Crabby, I love Tom Cruise. - Oh, man. - Tom Cruise all the time. - He doesn't get his due as like a great actor. He's like the stunt guy and he looks great and he's old, but he's still hanging in there. But he doesn't get his due for like how he can chameleon. - I think he hasn't been doing those challenging roles in so long. - And I guess he finally did and people hated it. - I guess so. Well, some people are saying it's a musical. So you show up and it's like a lady boy where you're like, what is a dick here? - Interesting. - So that's a tough one, but I flew back Sunday. You get in, took the wife out and you go, where do you want to eat? The world is our history. We got New York City, baby. Every type of food, every type of race, every type of art museum, Broadway. She goes, I want sushi. I go, all right, let's do it. We found a great sushi place on Vanderbilt Street over here in Brooklyn. - I thought sushi was dangerous when you're pregnant. Isn't there some sushi thing can kill you or kill the baby? - Yeah. - Well, yeah, right? - Yeah, and cold cuts. - Cold cuts. - Cold cuts and raw fish. No way. - All right, so you went to sushi. - All right, well, hey, there we go. Hopefully it's what we call a Japanese abortion and we get in there. - That's even better title. - We've got a great show. Japanese abortion is here. (humming) - Once again, Japanese abortion. - Yes, yes. So then we go rid of them. All right, so we get in there and I have it this way. Once the last time you pulled one of these. Big menu, big Asian, big apple pie and I go, "You know what? Give me a carafe of sake." I had a five-hour flight, huh? - He's drinking too for the pregnant lady. - Well, no, I'm talking to me here. Jesus, I'm not buying her sake. Saki, it do me. - Where's Saki? - Yeah, so I go, "Give me a carafe of sake." Once the last time you get that hot cucumber jizz. - Ah, it's a sake. I had a couple times and I didn't care for it. I would jizz in my Saki all the time. But we have a drink, much of it. (laughing) - Really? - Yeah, I mean, I had a little Saki, but I mean, you have to be at a, I wasn't drinking at sushi bars. I just figured I'd whack it on back at O'Donohue's and dingo do's and share. - Sure, but you gotta go to Benihana for the crucifixion or what do you call it? Circumcision party, you know? You might have a couple of eyeballs. - I wasn't going to Benihana. - I went, yeah, Tommy O'Macara. - I see, okay, well, little dick either way. But yeah, great time, put that Saki down and then try to get her to make a move on the wifi. I look over on the couch and she is snoring like Cosby. - Yeah, well, she's got fucking, - Boys and fish. - And a true, true. (laughing) - All right, well, I guess I boys and nerd ruined the baby. - Ah, that's all right, what's the baby do? - Christmas, we'll see if he comes out down to Christmas package. - Oh yeah. - That's gonna be fun. - Yeah, and the other boys birthday's January, so it's gonna be a real who's who over here. - Right on top of your shirt. So what, he'll be two and the other baby will be zero. - Yeah, how about this one? I saw a tweet, you know, sometimes a tweet is, sure, it's a bunch of killed Jews and racial stuff, but every time you see a tweet, you're like, "Damn, that's profound." This one was, holy shit, it just hit me. When you have a birthday, you're actually celebrating the year that passed, not the year coming up. So when a baby turns one, you've lived one year. - Right. - So you've actually, you're actually celebrating the year you've lived, not the year coming up. I'd never hit me before. I always said, "Oh, you're turning 45, we're celebrating." No, no, you are 45, it's over. You're celebrating something that's over. - Oh, you're 45th year, you mean? - Yeah. - I see. Never thought of it that way. - I guess so, so what changes with that? - Well, I just always thought, like, "Oh, we're turning 45, I'm gonna be celebrating turning 45," but no, you've already 45s over. - Right. - I guess. - Not only when Jesus died into year one. - Yeah. - So your row, I never stood dead. - Yeah. - It's the whole year. - And then BC goes backwards, so it goes up to zero. - Yeah. - Right? - Yeah, 'cause it's before Christ. So 20 BC is 20 years before Christ. - Yeah. - 10 BC is 10 years till Christ. - Whoa. And then it's a confusion when they go, the 19th century. And you're like, "Oh, 1800, right?" - Yeah. - You gotta be 1900s. - I know. - Right? - Yeah. - Yeah, it drives me crazy. 'Cause you sit there, it's like when people go, that's 14 to two, like, "Oh, it's three, 46." - 14 till two is 146. - Yeah. - 146, sorry. - Yeah. - Quarter to two. - Quarter to two is 145. - 145, what I'm like, just say 145. We don't do that with any other numerical amount. You don't go, "How much is the coffee?" Oh, it's $10 to $5. Well, we do half a million. That's true. You ain't want half a million bucks. It's quarter of a million dollars. We're talking about a quarter of a million dollars here. - That's 250. - Yeah. - Yeah. - It's the end of that either. - Just say 250. It's just a weird, why are you adding in a million? Why is that even in the conversation? You made $250,000, why are you going a million? And let me bring it back. - Well, I think it's fun. It's like vernacular or it's quippy slangs. - Slang, the banquels say it. - Give me half a buck. I'm even a buck and a half. - A buck and a half I get. That's the same thing. - That's a buck and a half. - Right. - This is half a million. - I see. - We not even got to the million. - This is the show. We're not changing. (laughing) - Laucocena. All right. But I'm just, I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm conventing. - Right, but yeah, when the baby's born, that's actually his first birthday. - That's his birthday. - Day zero. He's one. - That's his first birthday. - No, he's zero. - But that is confusing. - His birthday. - He's born that day. - That's why when I, when I, son was born, I, I, I sang happy birthday in the thing. - Of course. - Salacus was outside. I mean, of course. That's not a standard thing. - Oh, it's that? - I don't think so. - Oh. - All right, good, 'cause I didn't do it. - Yeah. - I'd never heard about it when I was doing it, but I did. - It's a birthday. That's the birthday. - When you should be doing it. That's his only real birthday. The rest is just anniversaries. - Right. - That's the anniversary of birth. - This is good. - I wish my mom happy birthday on my birthday. - Wow. It's still a birthday. - It's her birthday. It's her birthday. She had birth that day. - Oh. - I like it. - Now, what do you do on an abortion? - Oh, my God. - Do you say bad birthday or sad birthday? - Nobody remembers the actual day. - Bad. (laughing) - We sell like some Chinese guys, starts a restaurant. You know, like, food good. Happy dinner. Happy lunch. Band of gigs. - Wait, so where were we? Where, what happened here? - I was just going off on a jig. - But sushi had sushi. - With sushi. And then what else came back and tried to get laid. - She fell asleep. - All right, all right. Sleepy, sleepy Joe. - Yeah. - Well, I got to tell you about this big mook on the airplane. - Oh, I love it. - And it's on the all-time classic. I actually ran into like three. I don't know if it's 'cause I'm leaving New York, but I had like three real New York fuck A. - I love it. - But you don't see him that often. - Yep, mook. - You don't often get to run into like real life like, "Hey, oh fucking, come over here, give me a crack." - Yes, yes. - But I had three. First of all, there's one in my house right now. A plumber. We gotta get a new toilet, which is very exciting. 'Cause we have a low flow low. Our toilet's lower than anything I've ever seen. It's like six inches off the ground. My knees are by my ears when I'm taking a shit. - It's a salad poop. - And then when you flush, it's one of these like, - I hate your flush. - You got a weak, weak flush. - Swallow. - And you're telling me, I shit, salacuse legs. I got the shit's the size of my head. - Yeah. - And it goes, I know. - I want the airplane. - Boogoo. - Yes, yes. Yes. - Exactly, suck the fetus. - You close the lip and airplane's before you flush. - Before I flush? - I think you have to. - Is that where I am? - Are you talking on the microphone or not? You holding the microphone like Cosby, down here. (laughing) - Are you on? Are you on? - I like the little cabin and the shit goes back up right at you. - It's a good point. Well, I don't shit in those air point. Air point. - People shit is all up in there. Chunks are shit. - That's a good point. - Oh shit. - I don't believe in germs. I'm like, I'm like Brad Pitt in 12 monkeys. And I think it's all made up. - Great performance. Great film. I love 12 monkeys. - Fun. - Fun time. - And you. - Thank you. - So hopefully that mic cuts out. So I got the plumber guy in my house right now. I had to leave him in there by the way, which is awkward because we had the podcast. - He's going to your panties. - I hope so. So anyways, I'm on the flight home from Tampa to New York. This is on Sunday a couple of days ago. I got first class, which is very exciting. I'm in 5B and as I'm waiting to get on, there's a couple behind me. It's always fun when you can't see the people you're listening to, see kind of picturing. But this is interesting because this guy's like, probably mid 50s New York guy like Salah Q's. Maybe, maybe older. And he's like, and he's just here like, oh man, I can't forget, I forgot my mask. I can't believe I forgot my mask. God. And I was like, that's a weird combo that's working. Well, I can't do the voices. But he's like, I can't believe I forgot my man. He's like, you know, it's not, it's not a winter anymore. Winter's summer's over. - Right. - He's like, it's cold season. So it didn't fit. The voice didn't fit. - Yeah. - This sounds like a long island, you know, fucking, I just ain't no big deal. - But he's talking about a mask. - Yeah. - Yeah, that's cookie. - And I hear his wife go, he's like, we should have left early a bit, but do what, what's he doing? She's like, I'm 5A, you're 5D, and I'm 5B. So I'm hearing, he's 5A. So I'm like, oh my God, I'm sitting next to this Chucharu. He's like, you know, you got the wipe. So we got to wipe it down because, you know, they're saying no big deal. So I'm like, oh God. So I get to my seat, I get in 5B. And then these two, it was like Abbott and Costello. They're like, okay, so you're way over here. We're here looking at this. So I'm with you. She's like, you're 5A. And he's like, I think you're 5A. And I'm like, I'm 5B. And then she's like, okay, so I'm over here then. And she's like, no, no, you're over there. No, you're over here. I'm like, what the fuck? And they're going 5D? 5B. Fucking Charlie Chan. Fucking Toby Wong. (laughing) So I find that sound. I go, yeah, you're in here. I go, and I was trying not to be an asshole, but I was trying to be helpful. And I was like, it's A, B. - I know. - I'm like, George Stan, Frank Stan's. I'm like, A, B, C, B. - The D is the biggest. So she's in D, he's in A, and he's like, there, he goes, I didn't do well in my alphabet. And I go, okay, great. - Hey, you got ketchup on it. - So then he sits down and I'm like, I just know, this is going to be an episode. This is a full fucking hour long after school special with this guy. - Oh boy. - So I'm sitting here like this. I try to put the headphones in right away. And he's like, I look over his wife. She's wiping down, you see. Then there's just like a quiet regular old lady in 5B. Not old, like probably our age. She's sitting there. And the guy's like, honey, do you want, should we try to? Do you want to? - Oh boy. - And he goes, miss, miss, miss. And the lady's trying to ignore him. And he goes, you want a, you want a window? You want to take a window, see? - And the lady's like, the one row, the one or? - It's two and two. - Okay. - So it's this guy, me, and the aisle. And then the business lady. - That's hilarious. - And he's like this, miss, miss, miss, miss. - Oh boy. - And the wife is like, shut up. You'll sit over there, it's fine. You'll be okay. He's like, whoa, it would don't be nice if we could sit together. - Yeah. - So then this lady, the five C, she goes, nothing's. He's like, you don't want a, you don't want a window? And I go, and now I like an aisle, 'cause I drink three cups of tea, and I like to piss. But I don't want to be next to this guy. - Yeah, I was gonna say, let these fuckers be together. They're made for each other. - So I said, I was like, I'll take, I'll take the window, which I hate the window, but I'm like, It's a two and a half. I'll just hold my piss if I have to piss because it'll be better than this and the guy's like Would you do that? You would do that and I was like, yeah, yeah, I don't mind at all. I'll take the way he goes honey And she's like it's okay, and he's like no, he says go switch. I can be with my sweetie It's like the honey motors. So I grabbed my bag and I go and then I tried to bond with this lady because I thought this lady Sucks I was like sorry. I don't know. I don't know these people. I'm sorry. She's like this. She didn't give me anything Ah, she's a real cool and the guy goes dude. I love you, dude He said I love you. It's right again. He goes. I love you, man He's like you want you want some wet wipes. Oh boy. I'm like this. No, that's okay And then the seat's out because 5 a the lady was wiping it all down So it's like puddles on my seat. So now I'm just sitting in wet stinky shit. They're like New York mook germaphobes So he goes hey take some wet wipes and I was it sounds like I'm making this up. I'm like no, thank you all good And he goes I love you, bro, and I go I love you. I'm like And then this lady was giving me not I thought she would be like this is crazy, huh? Yeah So he's like I just hear like no, no, that's a good guy. That's a fucking good guy right? He said fuck he's like that's a good guy and then he goes boss buddy buddy take these Literally hands me an open package of wet wipes wet And he goes take those they've never even been used we never even used them and then she's like honey and he goes No, no, it's a nice thing for I gotta do something for him. Oh, so the white you can tell the wife was like what are you doing? Yeah, why are you giving him wet wipes? So I just have a bag of wet wipes. Oh I mean the sweetest guy ever but I'm like what am I gonna do with wet? I don't I don't want wet ones. I love the mook progressive mook He's like whoa climate change is fucking out of control. Hey, we got to help the trans community. Oh Not for nothing, but hey, I mean, it's like 47 genders out there. It's fluid But so I just went yeah, okay. Thank you. So I got I got a I got a pack of the wet one and they were open I just watched her open and then he uses the thing and then also we're leaving at the We're landing It's like you're a Bob open Rupert farted. So we we land and I'm leaving. He's like hey you go ahead because you let me take that seat So you go ahead. Okay. Thank you. Yeah, and he's like that's a good guy right there. So I was a hero to this man I just didn't want to talk to him ever again sure sure and it was brutal by the way because this lady never got up To pee and I had drank all the caffeine when you think you're got an aisle seat and then you just drink Caffeine like crazy, but I was like whatever. I'm willing to suffer so this guy can die with his wife But it's so fascinating these guys because if he heard this he'd be like what the hell that wasn't me I don't sound like that. You're like, but you do I think he might like it. Okay. Oh, he's comes off nice Fascinating to live in that world because we're always like oh geez, am I annoying is this guy hate me? Was I too loud there was that stupid but these guys just live? Yeah, yeah, no worries. It's almost jealous He seemed like a sweet sweet guy. I mean that I love you was like was just crazy I was like I love you, dude, but I felt Genuine he was like he's this guy really loves his wife. I mean, he wanted to be with his wife She was like I don't give a fuck you a small dick idiot, right, but you know, those are good guys a lot of those people They're very genuine But anyways back back home From Tampa great show. I mean sidesplitters B.T. the crew the cast the crew. They were awesome Best in the biz and they got the little green room now. I mean B.T. really really set it up nice He turned it all around and then Matt and I stayed at the condo together, which was fun You feel like it's old school because well Tom I gave him the hotel because he had his wife Kristen White door, so I was like you guys take the hotel because I can't have Matt and Tom and Kristen share you don't want to put your buddies together that don't really know each other Also, I'm like you're gonna want to fuck your wife at some point Yeah, and you don't want the guy fucking the wife and they have a back porch So I was smoking cigars Tom came over. I mean it was fucking the best weekend ever hell. Yeah, that was a little pricey to have two guys Double the breakfast double the lunch double the bonus. That's good. You throw the wife in there, too Paid for a movie Oh, but I didn't give her extra money for the shows. That's true Anyway, we got to wrap it up sell you got something to add there. No, no, you're a good guy Yeah, I love you, though. It was great. You got no podcast to plug. That's exciting. Yeah, that is nice Deaf Dave or John Smith, whatever it is. When does this come out? You have no idea You don't even know how to record the fucking thing that light turned off about a half an hour ago Sorry of the technical difficulties, but we you know who at the helm. I got Raleigh good nights Coming up in a few weeks, and I got the What's the one oh the port in Baltimore coming up filled that up? That's a tiny room that will sell out So get the tickets early and then stress factory in Wherever it is in Connecticut the Connecticut stress factory bridge port and worst city in America Yep, I'm doing that one, and of course Skankfest is right around the fucking corner. That's gonna be hot and fun So come out to that. I'm probably forgetting one, but Those are the big ones go get them get some tickets. Oh, yeah, I will be in Sanjo gay Well, that needs a little help so come on out if you live in a Southern California, or is that is that Southern? What is it say? No, that's like central central Cali. Yeah, that's right It's a little southeast to San Fran. Okay Portland, Helium in Oregon, San Jose about the cap city in Austin Sorry, mother ship at the Atlantic City Casino at the tropicala wind creek casino in Bethlehem, PA That's a steel town out there Vegas and Indio, California for the fantasy Springs Casino Charlotte, Comedy Zone Connecticut at the Fox Woods and Verona, New York at the turning stone Casino. That's upstate and I'm also in Charleston and Greenville, South Carolina Kakalaka. All right. Thanks folks. We'll see you at hell get on the patreon about to do a bonus right now Queefe it up my father's gay homeless guy two doors down. What do you got Sally? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha all right. Thank you folks