#677 Minnesota Nice

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose why I'm here. Here we are, folks. We're back. Best pod going, if you ask me. I did ask you. Thank you for asking. Hey, what do you think the best pod going is? You got it right here, Fetty. This is it. The old TWS. Boy, we go back a ways, don't we? Well, it's September 13th. Thank you. And so this is September. So we're 13-year anniversary here. Wow. Wow. Which is unbelievable because I've been with my wife 15 years. I've been with you 13 years. I mean, it's pretty wild. Wow, we were friends before the pod. That's true, of course. But I mean, a marriage here. Yes. A partnership. Us or her? No, us. Okay, thank you. And I cheat on you way less. All right. I appreciate that. I mean, I had Ron on as a side piece for a minute. I could smell it on your dog. It was all dewy and fat. Well, how about the COVID times? I mean, I was doing 50 pods a day and still watching three movies a day. Yeah, you had no child all the time and they ain't all. This is why Zoom, everyone hates the Zoom, but Zoom was wonderful. I'd pop on, do a podcast. I started six podcasts. What did I care? And they all did crazy numbers because no one had anywhere to go or nothing to do. Yeah, it was pretty good. But it's true. The travel in this town is what kills you because you go, oh, I got to go to the grocery store. What's that? 20 minutes? Now you got to walk there, shop, walk back. Take a train, get an Uber. It kills you. That's why Texas is going to be great. We'll have big boners, no pants. Just close that computer. See you later. Yeah, yeah. The Zoom didn't make you sad. I hate sitting there. I hated sitting there looking at my, you see a dumb face in the corner. You go, oh, I hate that guy. Well, everything makes me sad. I'm sad all day, every day. Everything? Not everything, but I'm a sad guy. Well, those two things make me sad. Yeah, that's true. They're both mistreated. Yeah. Yeah. They both take. They're like a big missile. Yeah. My asshole's being abused. Uh-oh. What was that face? The Iron Dome. Don't make the faces. Go poker. Because we're over here trying to record. Poker. We're talking shit off air, and then all of a sudden, this is what I see in the corner of my eye. Yeah. Come on. What the fuck? We're talking about Jews and anal here. We're trying to have a good time, be silly. You make that face, it makes me think there's a new news story of us saying the N-word on CBS. Oh, man. No more Telegraph. I won't. Don't do it. All right. Just keep texting. And feel free to laugh, smile, if we're saying something funny. Say hello. Remember the Shelby days? That was rough. Those were good times. That was rough. I mean, he did not a tee-hee. Never said ha. I miss him every day. Remember I had to call him and be like, you hate us? Yeah. Put it on the line. Just say it. That's true. And he was like, I like the show. I'm a fan. It's very funny. Yeah. I'm like, what is wrong with you? Yeah. What is wrong with him? Ah, there's a mountain of molehills over there. I don't know. But he'd be like this. I know. Hours. And then I'd go to his Twitter, and he'd be tweeting at Topalo, being like, you racist piece of shit. Yeah, that's true. And I was like, oh, God. And Lord knows what we're saying before the cameras start rolling. Yeah. What a crazy concept to go on Twitter and fight with other comics about things that aren't appropriate. But I got to tell you, I respect it. I read that from Shelby. I was like, Shelby's a little firecracker. Oh, he's a cracker. I mean, obviously, I love Nick. But Shelby would say a lot of the things I was thinking. But I'd be like, you got it, Nick. They sure are. Sure, yeah. And Shelby would be like, fuck you, you motherfucker. The place is crawled with him. We got to get rid of him. But yeah, we miss you, Shelby. A great big part of the show. And he never, ever, ever made a T-shirt with our photos on it. Ah, great big lips. Yeah, the T-shirt. When are those coming out? Oh, the new ones? Not the new ones. Remember, he made the photo with the three of us and said the three best friends. Oh, the best friends. Yeah, that was awkward. No, that was a great Christmas joke. That was funny. It was funny. I think it was funny. It's a bit. It was pretty funny. But that's a good idea for a shirt. If we can get permission from Shelby, just a Shelby mugshot T-shirt. Whoa. And have it say the good old days. Yes. Let's have Shelby sink ships. But there's a new shirt. Do you want to tease it? You're not ready to tease. We can tease. I just, I'm having, I realized last time we did this, I paid you guys, and then I had to pay taxes on all the shirts. Ah. Oh, boy. That's pretty good to me. Everything, yeah. Everything's something. Every time, Joe, you come up with something, Chuck's like, by the way, you owe me $17,000. First of all, I didn't even ask you for it. Pretty good. Pretty good. Yeah, you just pass him aggressively, brought it up later. It came out eventually. No, I'm saying this is why I'm trying to figure it out. I see. I can't. I talked to my tax guy when I sold all those, and he's like, you've got to pay tax in every state on this. Whoa. Every state that ordered one. And I don't think that's true. Whatever. I don't understand taxes. I don't get it. Dallas, Texas. Can I tell you something? And this is not, I don't want to sound out of touch. Like, hey, what do I care? Money, I'll take all my money. But I was like this when I was poor. People say this sometimes. They're like, oh, you just buy a baseball ticket. It must be nice. But I'm like, well, when I had no money at all, I was blowing all my money on sports tickets. That's true. So with taxes, they're like, did you pay this guy for this? Do you have your gas toll? Do you have this? And I'm like, just, I don't need shit. Right. I'd rather not do the thing. I'll pay extra in taxes. Take my money, bomb a foreign country, fill a pothole, whatever you do. Whatever you want to do, it's not worth saving the bucks to be like, well, I paid Matt Ruby for my ses show for 11 bucks. Let me find that receipt. Let me get him to sign a paper. Time is money. That all takes time. And then you're spending money on it. They're like, what's your phone bill, your fuck thing, your dick squat? I don't care. I don't care. Take the money. Leave me out of it. And it's not because I don't care about money. I just, my brain with the paperwork. I'm the same. The numbers, the crunching, the dash, the colon. Oh, it drives me nuts. They're like, did you pay this person for that person, this thing for this thing? I'm like, I don't give a shit. Can't do it. Can't do it. That's why, you know, the old days, you're like, all right, I'll take a bus to the A train. Then I'll get on a hang glider. And your friend's like, pay the $18 for an Uber. Right. You know when you buy that cheap plane ticket six months in advance and you wake up at 430 and you're like, ah, I would kill, I would pay $1,000 to sleep five more minutes. Well, I've said this for years. I should always just buy the most expensive thing because I buy tickets to the Blue, this just happened. I was at the Blue Jays game. We'll get into that. Go Jays. Buy tickets for the thing. And I'm like, I can't spend that much money. That's crazy. I don't know. We'll sit in the 14th. And then the day of, I'm like, ah, let's get tickets down there. And then I end up having four tickets to the thing because I should have just bought the crazy thing. It's the same with flights. You're like, I'll buy Comfort Plus. And then the day of, you don't get the upgrade. And you're like, fuck me hard. I would love to give an extra hundred bucks to the upgrade. Sure. Sure. Yeah. I do that with leather jackets. I have like six leather jackets because they weren't perfect. Leather jackets. So then I got a thing with leather jackets. I'm trying to find the right one, the white whale. So I bought all these jackets. And then I found the white whale. And then I found one that's finally perfect. And it was $1,500. And I'm like, I can't spend $1,500 on a jacket. But if you look at my closet, it's a bunch of gays. No, it's a bunch of leather jackets that probably equal out to like three grand. Right. I could have just bought the perfect one. $1,500 is not even that much for a leather jacket. I think some jackets are like $12,000, aren't they? Yeah. But I could get a nice moped for $1,500. I know. I'm just thinking. I remember I told this story when it happened. When we were doing that silly. British TV show. Oh, whack-a-mole. What was that called? I have no idea. Pop and lock. It was something. Oh, yeah. Oh, jerking off. Jerk me hard, daddy. Something like that. What? No. Joking. Joking. Joking off. Circle joke. Joking off. Joking off. That was fun. That's where Luke Monis and I fell in love. But I went out to London. I was up early. And no one was around. So I was like, I'm going to go buy an outfit for the TV program. This will be fun. And I went to one of these places. They serve whiskey. And it's a guy. A couple of homos. And I tried on the clothes and the t-shirt. I sound like Cosby. I put on the t-shirt and the coat. So I put on the stuff. And then I went in and tried it on. It was the best thing I've ever seen. And I was texting with Sarah's sister. Because she was awake. I was like, what do you think of this? She's like, that's great. You look great. You've got to get it. Scoobly boop. Bippity bop. They wrap it up. They put it in tinfoil. I hand it in the box. The guy goes, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. All right. That's $8,900. $8,900. And I was like, what? Holy shit. And the t-shirt was $250. The jacket was $7,000. Whatever it was. And I almost bought it. Because I had been through the whole thing. And out of sheer embarrassment, you're like, oh. And shearing. And I finally had to be like, I'm so sorry. I can't do it. And the guy's like, what? Boop, boop, boop. It's that pump of smoke. You're gone. But that's how stressful it is. You just feel like, I can't not fucking buy this. Of course. I tried it on. They put it up. They wrapped it up. They folded it. But it was $8,000. That is cuckoo bananas. Who's going in there for a t-shirt for me? $250. And not even a jacket like a rain jacket. Right. This is like a jacket you wear once a month or something. Yeah, light zip up. I told you the old story. I went to the Hong Kong tailor. What are you holding for you? Hong Kong tailor, best tailor in the country, zing zang, ding dong, ching chong. And I said, you got it. I pop in there with a shit suit I got from the thrift store, but the suit had something. I liked the suit, but it didn't fit. So I go, yes. So I go, I'll take it to the Hong Kong, and this guy will snip it up and make it look like a great suit. It'll fit me. So I walk in there like David Byrne, you know, I got the big suit flopping off me, and he goes, hmm, oh, he hits a gong, he does a pellet on the floor, he does this whole thing, and then you know, I come, he pops up, and there's all these chalk marks on my suit. And he's got the pins in here, he's got the pins in his mouth, he's doing the whole thing. Chalk mark! Yeah, I had some sake, and then he goes, all right, that'll be 600 something. I'm like, 600 something? The suit was five bucks. And he was like, yeah, well, you want the Hong Chong Ching Che, you gotta pay it. And I said, all right, let me just make a phone call. And I ran out of there. Ran! With chalk all over me. Well, that happens sometimes, because you don't know what's going to be what until when. Yeah. I'm all, my rods and cones are screwed up. Well, we went to buy a couch one time, and I was like, our price range is $300 to $500 I didn't know what a couch cost. Couches are crazy now. And the guy was in a suit, it was like, you know, Allen Edmonds or some, whatever the fuck it is. Oh, he's good. And the guy's like, $400. That's what, like, a hobo Joe wears. Right. A couch is like two grand. I didn't know that. Oh, couch is crazy. You don't want to know what that green piece of shit up there cost us. We're back! Hey! Sorry, we had to make a quick cut there. And can I just, let me just pull back the curtain. Yeah, beef curtain. The reason we stopped, Chuck had a big idea that was Mark's idea eight minutes ago. Thank you. It was crazy. I said, everybody laughed at me. Chuck, don't say the word. I can't believe that. Oh, sorry, sorry. Cut that motherfucker right there. Alright, alright. Well, I threw a nugget out there. Yeah. I planted a seed. Mark was like, hey, you know what we ought to do? We ought to do this. And then in the middle of the episode, Chuck's like, let's pause. We'll edit this out. I just came up with an idea. We'll do fucking the thing that Mark said a half hour ago. Here we go. It's a pivot. Alright, a pivot. Jeremy pivot. That's what I was thinking. If you move your foot, I get a little jizz. What were we talking about? I don't know. Oh, your fat couch. Uh-huh. Yeah, the expensive couch. Yeah, yeah. Well, the chair, expenses, tax. It all started with taxes. Yeah, yeah. Which is what we're trying to figure out now. Taxes, it's one of these things, too, that you get the extension. It always just feels like something will never come. I know. Like April's bearing down on you. You don't respond to an email from your accountant. Yeah. I'm like, I can't handle the numbers and the jizz. No. And they go, well, don't worry, we'll get you an extension. You're like, whew, that's over. And then September, they're like, hey, fuck face. Right. And again, I'm like, just take it all. Well, this goes back to my youth. I remember when I first got an ATM card, a bank card. Uh-huh. And I would go to the ATM and I'd go, uh, and my friend would go, how you looking? How's your checking? And I'd go, I can't look at that. He goes, you don't know what you have? I go, I don't know, and I don't want to know. Uh-huh. I never want to know, and now when we have the same money guy, he'll send us a bill, or me a bill, and he's like, this is your current invoice. I don't even look at it. I can't. And it's not because I'm like, oh, the money's meaningless. I just go, I can't. And my buddy, who works with Bodega Cat, he's like, your money guy is crazy expensive. I know. I'm like, what are you talking about? He's like, I did two things with him, and he charged me five grand. I was like, oh, God, what's he charging me? Well, we got a few people that have fired this guy. They're like, I wouldn't be cut. Yeah, I'm dead with that guy. Yeah, same. And yeah, it's like every three weeks, they're like, hey, you just owe us this amount, and I'm like, all right, there you go. Same here. So I don't know what's what. I'm a fucking idiot. Fuck me hard in the ass, but I like him. I like him, too. He's a sweet guy. And then you can't change. You gotta change a guy. Then it's more money, more stuff. And then you talk to one guy, and he's like, you used that guy? He's a crook. And I'm like, he is? I've been using him for 20 years. Shit. But this is, I was bonding with Luis J. Gomez over this. Yay, love the gome. We were born five days apart, where we both have J's and L's in our name. We're both buff and strong and tough. Puerto Rican. We're both hilarious. All right. And so we were talking about ADD, and he goes to the ADD people. I never went to any ADD people, but what he's describing, I'm like, obviously, I have ADD. I mean, you can listen to the show, but I think this is a big ADD thing, or ADHD, whatever. I see laundry in the corner of my room. It makes me feel physically ill. Really? I don't know how to organize it or get it done. It's the same with an email. There's an email that's like, can you sign this? It makes my brain go, I can't do it. See, I'm with you with the email, because someone else is relying on me or worried about me or needs something. The laundry is my problem, and I can handle that. But to me, it's like, I know I need to fix that, but I can't get to it right now, because I've got these other things I'm trying to do. Or mail. I see mail on the table with State of New York. I'm like, I can't open it or look at it. I'm all fucked up with it. Yeah, I get the same thing. My dad goes, you got health care? I go, I'll get health care. I went to Obamacare. I went, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Obamacare? This is a while ago. That's for poor people. Is that right? I believe so. I was poor at the time. I mean, I was living in squalor. I see. This is years ago. So I go, all right, let me get this Obamacare. I'm black. Here we go. And I voted for them, whatever. So I got the website queued up, and I feel like, you know, it says like, 1 of 8, 2 of 8, 5 of 8. I'm like, I'm getting closer. I'm getting closer to the end. It's so many things, and I've got to get a tax ID number and a what the. File. I get to 8. 8 of 8. I hit submit, or whatever, and it goes, error, error, and it brings you all the way back to that red, um, box, and you've got to fill out that red beaver. You get that little red beaver. No man in the world can turn that down. So it says, maiden name, or whatever, what's your height, or something, how much do you weigh, you're lactose intolerant, and I go, oh, I know this. Go all the way back, submit, error, error, and I'm like, I'm out! I just didn't have health care for 20 years. I still don't have it. Yeah, I've had that many times. You can't do a thing again. If something crashes, forget about it. Oh, forget it, but that's why the lady is good. You get the fat, whore from Ohio who's going, oh, sugar, I got you here. I know the problem. Facing Becca. But yeah, so that's why AI sucks. You need the whore. Right. Yeah, well, this is the thing with, what my what, because I remember Nick DiPaolo, going back to DiPaolo, his wife was like, she used to be a tax lady. Oh! An accountant, or an IRA, some kind of shit, I don't know what any of it is. Erwin R. Scheister. And she would do all his tax stuff. So I try to get Sarah does it. She does help, but she also has stuff going on and has a hard time. So you're like, could you do this? I know. Because, you know, I did the rent and the insurance and the thing. Yes, the money and the mortgage and the baby. Reminds me of Derek. Derek makes me laugh. He goes, every Christmas, he's like, I'm supposed to say to my wife, put me down for the house. It's time to buy gifts. I know, exactly. Put me down for the house and both the cars and the insurance and every meal. Put that down. That's my gift. There you go. I love it. It's like, I got to do that and I got to go buy you a pair of socks. I know, the house, you got a shelter here with a roof and a drain and a pipe. Merry Christmas. Flush the toilet whenever you want. Yes, it's all pipes. Don't worry about the snow landing on your head when you're sleeping. You know, you hit that switch and the light come on. Click. Right here, bitch. Old Tommy Yeti. I had a fun idea for, I just had a birthday pass and the lady's like, what do you want? And I go, I want you to forget about one fucked up thing I did. That would be my gift. That's not bad. Like a Men in Black. Yes, yes. It's just wipe it clean. Like, let it go. I don't want a couch or a dog or a pony. Give me a wipe. Yeah, you don't want a dog and pony show, but now what? So she's bringing up old things here and there? Well, I think that's just women do that. You know, they go, oh, you remember that time you ate out my dad? And you're like, well, let's get rid of that for the birthday. I see. I'm pretty good. My wife is not, she doesn't do too much. I do so many new things that she doesn't worry about the old things. Yeah, that's good. She's like, get the shit underwear off my pants or whatever. See, the laundry I can deal with, it sucks. Gotta get up, put it in the dryer, the washer, put the bullshit in, close it. Beep, boop, boop, boop. That I can deal with. Well, you know what it is? It's not the dirty laundry so much, because that you just put in a bag and drop it off. What I have a problem with is getting the clean laundry back and then taking out these things and putting it in the drawer and organizing the drawer. So then what I have is a fresh laundry bag next to my bureau and this idea of like sitting and spending 20 minutes or whatever it is, taking the socks and putting them in the sock drawer and the t-shirt. Plus we're on the road so much that you're like, I just want to grab a few shirts and throw them in the suitcase. Right, right. And then unpacking. That's another thing, like getting back from the road. Unpacking is a bitch. And you're just like, I'm gonna go in and take out the shirt and put it back in the drawer and then put the thing. Yeah. It fucks with my brain. But different Different people are capable of different things. Is that ADD or is that discipline? Well, it's going to take some discipline to get your ass to stand there and do it. Yeah, you don't want to do it, but you got to do it. Right. But then the discipline thing, see, this is what people will do. And then that becomes a self-criticism. Because to say I'm not disciplined doesn't really make sense. Because I'm like, I'm with my kid all day, every day. I've done five specials in six years. I've made three movies in five years. So it's like there's discipline there. I'm going to the gym every day. Oh, OK. There you go. There's a million other things. I haven't drank in 14 years. That's true. So there's those things. So to be like, well, I got no discipline is just a criticism that actually makes it harder. Because then you go, you piece of shit fucking idiot. Which I'm doing anyways all the time, even with all these accomplishments. Right, right. That's what I tell myself. I'm like, oh, you're a lazy fuck. That's why you haven't vacuumed. Right. But maybe that's not true, because I'm doing other shit. Yeah, you're doing other shit. Well, that's the thing, is your brain, I can only focus on so many things. And I have this thing, too, where I'm working on this. But I hate myself until I get all the things accomplished. Yes. And I have no trust in myself that I'll get the things done. I know. So I wake up, and I'm like, I've got to send three emails. I've got four texts. I've got to write this joke. I've got to finish this script. I've got to do two podcasts. You bag of shit. And then at 8 p.m., I'm like, huh. I did so much today. I feel great. Why can't at 8 in the morning, I go, oh, you'll get it all done. You got this. I feel great. Yeah. Yeah, relax, relax. But instead, I'm like, you fucking should kill yourself, you fucking homosexual. I'm the same way. I'm at lunch with Salicus. We're at a diner yesterday. I got a plate of meatloaf. We got a waffle on the table. And I can see my phone going, you know, just lighting up, lighting up, lighting up. And I go, oh, that's two texts there. Oh, gee, I think three just came in. Oh, is that four, five, six? And he's chatting away about coordination. no rape. And I'm like, ah, geez, alright, yeah. And he goes, just do it. Just answer it. So I was like, okay. But why can't I finish the conversation and then just knock it all out? My anxiety is getting raised and raised every text. It's all the same kit and caboodle. It's anxiety and panic and ADD and the thing. Yeah, well, he asked me to have breakfast. He's like, I'm in your neighborhood. But the thing is, I love Salicues. Best hang in the biz. But I'm like, well, I got a podcast at 11. I know, I know. The kid's in school for five hours. I have exactly two hours and I got five projects. I get it. If I have breakfast with you, that's all that time. And then the podcast is all this time. Now I have no time to do all those things. It's going to pile up and I'm going to shoot myself in the tits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I got the friend in town right now. What are you up to? He's sitting at home like this. I am bored out of my mind. And I'm like, I can't, I had to take my kid to school. Then we do the pod. You got a minute? I'll brush my teeth. Right. I got about 30 minutes. I'll brush my teeth. I'll do some push-ups. I'll post a clip for Sam. That's filled up now. Right. But he's sitting there going, what the hell is this guy doing? I want to get lunch. This is what gets confusing. This is what's hard with comedy, too, because you have time that all of a sudden I'm like, all right, I have this amount of time because the kid's at school. I got the podcast. This time I'm like, I want to do 30 things. And I end up being like this. Yeah, yeah. I'll just shit my pants and stare out the window where it's like, if I had one thing to do, I would do the one thing. Yeah, yeah. But I got eight things, so I can't decide which one. So my brain gets retarded. The bureau's overflowing and I got shit in my underwear. And not just, what do I do? You go, I got all this shit to do. Let me look at my phone. Right. Because that'll kind of be a pacifier. Right. You know, they did a study. Birth rates dropped at a certain year in the world. Not just America, the world. Sure. And they figured out what it was. Huh. Take a guess. Yes. Smartphones? You got it! The year they came out, birth rates dropped. Interesting. And it's because people used to be like, oh, I have a kid. That'll be exciting. That'll be a new experience. That'll be something we can share. And then you have a smartphone and you go, I got something to do. Right. It's a subconscious thing. You're like, I got dopamine all day over here. But there's also less meeting and falling in love and all that too, right? That too, that too, yeah. Yeah. I forgot about that. That's why I, this is a long shot, and feel free to kick me in the balls here, Fatty. I'd love to kick you in the balls. Alright. At least when we had vices in our youth, you had to go somewhere and interact with people like, porn, I had to go to a video shop or borrow it from you. Right. Weed, we sat in a circle, we smoked weed. Now weed's just a vape pen. Right. It's all individual. And then gambling, you'd have to go to a casino or have a poker game with a bunch of buddies. Right. So at least you're doing a vice, but it was a group thing. It was interactive. Well, that's what people talk about, which I don't fully understand. Hang a drink. The death of the third space they call it. Oh, that's a big one. There's home and work, and then the other place. I don't know. That's a big one. Yeah, the third man, or the third wheel, or the threesome. Yeah. I'd love to have a threesome. I think about it all day, every day. Fabletics. I love Fabletics. They're the best. 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When you buy two months of Blue Chew Gold, you get the third month for free with the promo code Tuesdays. That's promo code Tuesdays. You will also receive an additional 10% off and free overnight shipping on your first order. Man, these guys are helping you get hard. That's great. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. Thanks to Blue Chew for sponsoring the pod and the bedroom. Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye! Back to the show. Go get wood. Well, let's get into some stories. We're halfway done. We haven't even done shit about Shinola. I'm sure everyone will be upset about all this. I'm sure. But, by the way, can I say this real quick? Uh-oh. People, too, they'll comment like, oh, it must be hard. It must be this. We're not saying this is harder than roofing. I'm sure your life is harder, guy that complains about this. You're listening to us talk. Yeah. This is what our lives are. This is the show you chose. Right. Yes. And this is much easier than my brother-in-law who's crawling through an HVAC and he can't walk and his fingers are all cut up. Yeah. I'm grateful. Yeah. But this is what's going on in my life. My brain is all whacked out because I'm writing two scripts and have a podcast and stand-up comedy. Yeah. This is not me going, you think you have it hard, fireman? Yes, that's hard. That's harder. Jesus Christ. Two things can be true. These are the things that are happening. And speaking of firemen, I ran the Tunnels to Towers race Sunday. Whoa, what's this? And I cried like a little homo. We were talking about crying in front of people. Luckily, it was raining. So the Tunnels to Towers, you know about this Tunnels to Towers business? No, no. Is that a Jew thing? Big, uh, no, no. It's funny because both sides of this war are all tunnels. I know. I thought the same thing. Hamas is all tunnels. They have that in common. They should come together on the tunnels. And where were the Jewish tunnels? In New York, right? Yeah, they're all over there under the house right now. Yeah. Under the floorboards. Looking glorious bastards. They really, everyone really started making fun of the Jew tunnels, but Hamas was all tunnels. Yeah, but there's something funnier about coming out of a manhole with a top hat and a yarmulke going, whoo, glotva. Well, it's like, uh, what's that thing where people get mad when you do the thing? Uh, anal. When white people play Asian people. Culture appropriation. Yes, it's like culture appropriation. Who started the tunnel? Oh, well. Who owns this land and who came up with tunnels? The Italians had it first with Super Mario. Yeah, they were in the pipes, Jerry. Run around eating balls. My father's gay. So anyway, so Tunnels to Towers. I got the hoodie here, as a matter of fact. There it is. Look at that guy running through. How many hoodies you got? You got about 9,000 hoodies? I got a lot. Well, I went and, you know, I like to spend and buy things. And then when you go to a store that's charity for the firemen, I'm like, give me a box of those, give me one of those, give me a handful of those. Hey, it looks good on you. I spent $850 at the Tunnels to Towers because I was like, I'm buying one for Uncle Dale, one for Uncle Doug. And then I did this thing. It says men's, women's. It doesn't say men's, women's. It says medium, large. And Uncle Dale and Uncle Doug, they got huge cocked. They're little guys. So I bought each a couple mediums because these are Massachusetts firemen. I'll get them a couple shirts. They all love the fire shirt. Sure. Got a medium. I get home. I bought ladies' mediums. Oh. The thing's the size of my dick. It wouldn't fit on my son. Oh, no, ladies. So Dale's like, I'll wear it. It'll be like bodysuit. What do I care? He'll rip through it. Yeah, cut the sleeves off. So now, if you're a medium lady out there, send me a nude. And I'll send you a photo. Hey, it's a win-win. So Tuttles to Towers, I'm sure you've heard about it. It's one of these things that it's not registering your brain. But now that you've heard it, you'll see it all over. Can't wait. So there was a guy named Steven Siller. This fireman. Siller buddy. He was a husband, father of five. And he worked in Brooklyn. Shift ends morning of 9-11, whatever. They did it at 24. He finishes at 8 o'clock in the morning, whatever. Jumps in his truck. He's heading to go meet his brothers to go golfing. Radio scanner. Oh, we got a World Trade Center tower. Crazy fucking lunatics flew into the tower. So he turns around. He drives over to the Hugh Carey. Not to be confused with Drew Carey. The tunnel. Hugh Grant. They go, hey, tunnel's closed, pal. We got 9-11 happening here. Get out of here. So he goes, well, that's not going to fly with me. We got a big fire. And my brothers are there. So he pulls over the truck. Grabs 60 pounds of equipment. Grabs a hose and a hat and a boot and a thing and a shovel. Whoa. Just runs through the tunnel. Come on. I mean, he's jogging through the tunnel. He's got the helmet and the hat and the gloves and the business. That's going to be a mile and a half. It's like three miles. Whoa. It's long. So he runs all the way there. Three miles with the equipment and the fumes coming at you. Gets over there. Runs up in the building. Fucking the tower collapses. He fucking dies tragically. No, after all that running. He's dead. He's a mole man. And so they recreate the run every year. Oh. And this year, 25th anniversary. So there was 30,000 people running this race. What? In that tunnel? In the tunnel. Well, they have to do, you got to do waves. You got to do the first runners and the handicap runners and the black runners, the Asian runners. It's almost like sperm going through the fallopian tubes. Oh, yeah. And I'm jizz, baby. So it's a big, big thing. And it ends. It ends in my neighborhood now. Whoa. Because the World Trade Center is right there. So you come through Battery Park, and it's beautiful. And it's like a fireman festival. There's a concert. They shut down Vessi Street. There's bands playing. They got the fireboats going. And it's just firemen as far as the eye can see. Oh, the women must be creaming. And cops. And there's hot women, too, because they're running. So you go there, and it's one of those things I'm like, I got to be part of this. And then my wonderful wife, I'm like, you should run, too. And she's like, you know, classic quest. Classic wife shit. We love the wives. But she's like, yeah, yeah, I'll do that. And I'm like, well, we got to get a babysitter, because it's 7 o'clock in the morning. All right, yeah, yeah. It's Saturday. I'll text my niece. All right, she's good to go. Now, where do I sign up for this thing? And I'm like, all right, let me go check. Sold out. 30,000 people. It's the 25th anniversary. Sold out. Sold out six months ago. Of course. I'm like, it's a big deal. Yeah. It's 9-11. 25th anniversary. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. World Trade Center. Yeah. So she's out. She's out. Lucky her. And I wanted to get my sister and my uncles to all come down, but everyone's busy and the schedule and the money and the business. So now I'm just going by myself, which is a weird kind of bummer, because you're like, it's this big family group fundraising thing, and everybody's doing it with the whole fire department. I'm running for my uncle. The whole family runs together, and I'm just this solo dickwad. Ah. And now the other thing is, the amazing thing is, it ends in my neighborhood, which is awesome. That's huge. You finish the race and you're home. Yes. But. Can you get the wife out there waving you in? That'd be nice. Well, we'll get to that. Uh-huh. So it's a big Nor'easter. So now the weather, it's raining, it's wind, it's hurricane. Right. So you're like, well, this sucks ass. And it's like dark and dank in the morning. Ugly. And you've got to leave early, because there's so many people running. The race starts at 930, but you've got to be in. You've got to be in your carousel, whatever the fuck it's called, your section area. I see. At 830. So you've got to get over to Jersey. No, Brooklyn. I got it. It's in Brooklyn. It's in Red Hook. Ah. But the tunnel's closed, so you can't take the train. You can't take a car. Ah. And I was like, maybe I'll bike, but then I've got to ride with my helmet. I don't want to run a race with my helmet. Yeah, but that guy, he ran a race with all the equipment. Well, half the people are running in fire equipment. Wow. So I'm like, all right, I've got to figure out how to get here. And now it's pouring rain, and Hurricane wins. But you can't complain, because the whole thing is about a guy who carried 60 pounds to his certain death. That's a good point. Which also, by the way, there's a philosophical argument to have here, where you're like, you have five kids. Yeah. You ran into a building. Like, now your kids have no dad. That's true. Yeah, but I guess, you know, that's who they are. You get to go, hey, my dad's a hero. That's nice. That's something. My dad's a real estate guy. There's got to be moments where his wife is like, boy, I really wish you didn't do that. Yeah. Could have handed the hose to one of the fatherless guys. Hand the hose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's a whole other bag of hammers. Sure. So anyway, so I wake up. Wow. It's pitch black, and you're like, all right, so you didn't sign up. So I guess I'll just head out in the rain and wind and dark. She's probably like, whoo, dodged that bullet. And then I have, like, no plan how to get there. There's a ferry, but then the ferry line is crazy. So I jumped on the train, took Bowling Green out to Brooklyn, get off at Borough Hall. Oh, right in my neck. And you come out, and it's just like, whoo, rain coming in sideways. Yeah. So then it's fun. So you're like, how do we get over there? There's tons of security, because it's a big security target. Who wouldn't want to blow up 30,000 people on the anniversary of 9-11? I know a couple people. So I go over there. I find the bus stop. You walk over to the bus. My glasses are all foggy and rainy and gay. Oh, yeah. And then you find a few other people that have. I'm like, okay, there's a fire. This guy's got a shirt. So this is, I'll join these people. Yeah, we're talking. So then you become part of this thing. You're like, do you know what bus? This bus? Get on the bus. The bus shows up. The bus driver pops off. Everybody, before you get on, know this. We're rerouted because of the storm and the event. I'll get you as close as I can. You want to transfer to the number 58 bus. Ah, I hate a trans. It's like Forrest Gump. So we all get on, and we're like, okay. So everyone's buzzing. Are you going to get on? Where are we going to get on? Where are you going to get on? But it's kind of fun because it's this sense of community. Okay, we're back. Everybody's wet and sloshy shoes. All right, you take the 58. Now, I'm the New Yorker here. So I'm like, don't worry, guys. I'll figure it out. And I'm looking at the map being like, oh, fuck. Yeah, yeah. So then the bus driver goes, there he is. There's the bus we need to transfer to. Okay. He goes, I'll try to catch him. Can't catch him. But we're chasing him. It's like speed. Wow, Rosa Parks. But he leaves, and he goes, you know what? Is everybody going to the race? And there's like one black guy that just lives in Brooklyn. He's like, nah. And I'm like this poor guy, and he's like, all right, well, you let me know where you need to go, but I'll get you guys as close as I can. And everybody goes, yeah, 9-11. Love it. So we go through, and he's getting as close as we can. And he goes, all right, this is as close as I can get you. Everybody gets off, and they go, okay, we're going to go. And then you've got to walk all the way around. But as you're going, there's these big, more and more firemen are joining, and cops are joining, and families are joining, and women in hot yoga pants. And it takes forever to get there. And it becomes bonding, because the weather is so insane. Yes, yes. So finally, you get there, and I'm like, okay, I made it in plenty of time. I pissed in the outhouse. I text my firefighter uncles. They go, yeah, we don't give a shit, you homo. So that's not true. So then we get up in there, and now you've got to be there at 830 for a 930 race. And now this is the time where it's painful, because it's raining, it's cold, it's windy, and every single person is with their husband, their dad, their dog, their family. Our whole family runs. Our whole crew runs. There's all these British firemen. There's firemen. There's firemen from California. There's cops from New England. Holy moly. And I'm just like this. Well, there's something cool about that, though. Hey, I don't need the family. I'm here on my own volition, mofo. Maybe you're right. So I'm in this Howard Stern rabbit hole, which we talked about, because I never listened to it. I'm just doing all this old back catalog. So good. This guy is funny, but also a horrible bag of shit person. He's a mean, mean hebe. So I'm watching the Anna Nicole Smith, which is one of the worst things I've ever seen. Oh, this is why he flipped. So everyone's here. Everyone's just going, oh, I remember that fire. Remember that night? Let's give love to Bobby, RIP this person. And I'm sitting like this, just watching Howard Stern call Anna Nicole Smith a fat cow for like an hour. I'm like, what a horrible human being. This lady's dead now. What a very New York day, though. You're celebrating 9-11. You're in Red Hook. You're watching Howard Stern from the 80s. Which is funny, because the Stern rabbit hole all started from the 9-11 episode. Whoa. Weird. So now I'm in a Stern back catalog watching R.D. and all that stuff. Oh, so good. So I'm sitting there, and Guy Fieri. Thierry comes out, and Dave Portnoy, and it's a whole thing. And you're just kind of like, I'm trying to be present and part of it. And then people are, luckily, I wore pants, a long-sleeve shirt, and a rain jacket. There's people in shorts and t-shirts like. Oh, boy, Nor'easter. But again, nobody can complain because we're doing the thing for the firemen. Yes, yes. But it takes a special group of queefs to show up here. You got the Nor'east, you got the early morning, you got the bus fiasco, and you guys got through all of it. Yeah, it was pretty fun and pretty sweet. And then you're trying to really put your head in the space of here's a man who has his children, just finished his shift, is going golf. It could easily just go, oh, fuck, that's crazy. Let me go golf. I did my shift. I did my thing. Got five kids. And he could go, well, the tunnel's closed. Let me, you know, I'll volunteer tomorrow. I'll go pick up the dust and the search and rescue. But this guy said, people need help. I'm going now. So you're putting yourself in this space and time and moment. Finally, the race started. We stood up for like an hour and 15 minutes. And now here's the other thing. I've been a runner my whole life. But I walked two miles to get here and then stood for 80 minutes. Standing will kill you. Standing for an hour and a half before a race. You're like, I'm sore as a boil over here. Finally, the race starts. You go straight into the tunnel. And I'll show you the photo. We can post it. But like, I'm behind a guy in full fire outfit with the pants and the boots and the jacket and the hat. Wow. And so it brings you home. It makes you feel real. You're like, this is him. This is the guy. You got Curious George in front of you. It's unbelievable. So you run through the tunnel. Now, this is the other fun thing, real quick, is I have a runner's app that tells you your time and distance and your thing. And so I'm running for a while. And I check. I'm like, let me see where I'm at. And because I'm in the tunnel, there's no reception. So it says.7. Seven, three miles. So I'm like, I've only gone three quarters of a mile. Man, I'm running slow today. But I didn't realize at the time, there's no phone reception. So my app was all squirreled. Ah, squirrely app. So five minutes later, I come out of the tunnel. And there's the finish line. I'm like, oh. Hey. But it's amazing your brain believes what it's told. Yeah. I've been running for whatever it is, 15 minutes. I've run two miles. But my phone's like, it's only been three quarters of a mile. So you're like, oh, that's weird. But I guess, why would my phone lie? Exactly. So anyways, we come out. And then the nice thing is, the tunnel, it's dry and warm in the tunnel. It's actually hot as fuck. I was sweating my ass off. Yeah. Then you come out. And you're like, oh, I forgot. It's pouring rain and windy. Ah, Bikram. But you're coming up the west side highway. And now all the firemen are holding big posters of every fireman that died. Oh, my lord. That's not what you want to see. So you come out. And you're recreating these steps. I'm looking at all these headshots of all these fallen firemen. And like I said, it's raining. But you've got the tears and the goose bumps and the dick. And then you just look at the World Trade Center, which is the new World Trade Center. And you're like, this is what this guy was looking at, except on fire and smoking. Ah, you're right. And these are the last steps and moments of his life. But he kept going. He must have been thinking about his kids, but the people in the building. And just a big emotional roller coaster. Of course. And now I'm looking for my wife and son who are coming out to root me on. So I'm looking over here. I'm looking at the fallen firemen. Firemen over here. I'm looking for my kid over here. And I can't see the kids. So I just keep looking at the firemen. Finish the race. Great time. Beautiful. Everyone's high-fiving. All right. We just got outside. Where are you? Well, I'm finished. Yeah. And of course, Marty's like, we went to the race. We didn't see you. Where were you? And I'm like, well, you know. This is your own personal 9-11. You're out in the rain. You're tired. You can't find your family. You're lost. I know. But anyway. So I went home, got dried off, and I bought $800 worth of stuff. There you go. Is the run free? No, it costs money. OK. And then I had a team, and I fundraised. But I put it on InstaStories. Nobody gave a shit. That's what's so amazing about New York. I know you're moving to Corpus Christi or whatever. But you got this town with all this shit happening. I didn't even know any of this was going on. I didn't hear a peep. I didn't get a share, a nothing, a billboard. If you went downtown, you would have found out. Because it was a zoo. It was a zoo down there. And over in Red Hook. See Red Hook over there? But that's the thing. 30,000 people is a huge, it's a stadium full of people. But there's 9 million people in the city. Right, right. 30,000 is like the A train. Exactly. So it was a special day, and it was special to be a part of. But next year, I'm going to plan ahead and have all my family come down, I think. And it'll be the last week of my living in New York after 20 years. Whoa. And hopefully it's not a Norqueefer. Because that doesn't help. What are you, you got a face going? I can't leave. Oh, it'll be a year. I'll change my mind. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's a big shift. I'm actually impressed that you're taking this plunge. Well. Because it's a big underdoing. What do you got to get the roots out, Jerry? And really get under that tree and kick it. Believe me, I know. You got to hire a guy, a truck, the whole thing. And then what are you doing with the Sentra? You going to drive that down in tow? I'll probably drive it. We'll drive. It'll be fun. What about the U-Haul? Somebody U-Haul. Well, no. You hire a mover. I'm not moving all my shit across the fucking country. I thought Marty was going to follow you in the Sentra. That'd be fun to have the U-Haul truck and then the Sentra. Then he has his little car behind that. Behind that's, you know, my pubes. I don't know. I couldn't think of anything funny. I see. Anyways, happy 9-11. God bless these firemen. We love you. And I was proud to be part of it. It was a beautiful day. That is really something special. But you got my head about this kid living in New York. You know, you're like, you really want? Your kid living around here with all these hooptie-doos? And I'm walking my kid to school yesterday. It's 928 in the morning. You get the weird teenage wonky kid over there. He's jumping around. He's doing something. So I go, that's weird. He eventually comes behind me. I'm walking the kid, you know, head on a swivel. And he's all decked out. He's got sunglasses on and a backpack. And he's playing music. He's got the thing on the backpack that plays its own music. The pill. Speaker? Speaker thing. And I was like, here we go. And my kid's going. And he's in his own world. The guy gets in front of me. And he's doing the backwards walk while talking to me. Walking backwards. The moonwalk? Yes, basically. Basically. I was like, hey, what's up, man? I'm pushing the stroller towards him. And he goes, come on, man. I'm trying to get some Wi-Fi. And I was like. Wi-Fi? I don't have any Wi-Fi on me at the moment. He's like, I'm trying to get some Wi-Fi. He's crazy. He's a crazy teenager. And he's looking for the homeless shelter. But he's like, I'm trying to get on. I thought he wanted your hotspot. Oh. Maybe. Because the phone's a hotspot. Ah. That's not bad. That's not bad. But he kept being like, I'm trying to get on Instagram. I'm a star. I'm a star. I want to be a star. I want to show people my moves. If I can get connected to the world, the world will see how great I am. He's got the goo on the lips, you know, when you're dried out. Like Chuck? Yeah. Like Chuck's back. Oh, that. I thought you meant. And then, you know, they're sticking together with the lines. Oh, I don't get. Like a dragon. Yes. Yes. Dragon. So I was like, oh, yeah, man. All right. And he's like, hey, I'm not going anywhere until I get my Wi-Fi. And I'm like, ah, fresh out, man. I got no Wi-Fi on me. Sorry. I'm doing the pat down. He's like, I need some Wi-Fi. And he's kind of slowing down. Like, things aren't going to be good for you unless you give me my Wi-Fi. So I'm like, you want some money? He goes, I don't need money. I need Wi-Fi. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? It's 8 in the morning. And I'm like, what the fuck? And then a guy walks by with a suit. And he goes, all right, see you later. And he hits the suit guy. And the suit guy's like, ah. And I hightailed it out of there. Oh, Jesus. I know. On the way to school. Well, I think it's a hot spot situation. But also, of all the people, you're a social media star. How amazing is that? Well, yeah, he didn't know anything. That's what I mean, though. I mean, he's talking to every Tom, Dick, and Harry. He's like, yo, man, I'm an Instagram star. He was talking to an Instagram. I'm an Instagram star. Well, I guess. But he's doing this. He's very menacing and aggressive. And my kid's going, hi, hi, the whole time. And I'm like, shut up, kid. This guy's bad news. But he's going, hi. Hi. Yeah, well, it's funky doo-doos out here. But, you know. Yeah, yeah. You got to pay for private school. I know. You can't send this kid to PS10 death. Yeah, yeah. He's going to get jacked up. I know. You know, Chris D was like, you're going to private school, right? I was like, well, you're from Brooklyn? And he's like, yeah, exactly. Well, he must have gone to private school. He did. He did. He went to some Catholic thing where he played basketball. Right. Well, yeah, it's tough sledding out there. You never know what you're going to have. But I got to just say, I got to give a shout. I was in Minneapolis. Oh, I love Minneapolis. Oh, what a great. I think one of the better comedy towns. Oh, yeah. Well, Chad and Kelsey live there. And they're like, you should come here. It's a Delta hub. The great shows. Great people. Great club. All the countries. Yada, yada. Right. The winter was already cold there. But, boy, I got to say, I love that club. I was iffy on Acme. And now I'm all in. Well, I love the showroom is amazing. Yes. The green room leaves a little to be desired. Sure. And no one comes back there. Nobody comes back there. That's what I'm talking about. They also, I mean, I don't want to talk out of school. But I love the club. And I love Lewis. But, you know, we have riders. And mine's not crazy. It's blueberries, bananas. and the strawberries, and I got there, and there's just nothing. The manager was like, oh, yeah, we don't do that. I was like, we don't do that. And they're like, yeah, most people don't eat it, so we just don't do that. I'm like, all right. Yeah. I was like, okay, well. And then the Ops, I probably told this story when we did it. The MC the next day showed up with bananas and blueberries and strawberries. And we ate it. What a bench. Yeah, it was great. There's a club in San Diego. I won't say which one. You can figure it out. But I go, oh, all I got on my rider is give me some bananas and some water. And they were like, eh, we don't really do riders. And I was like, just give me fruit and water. I got back there. On the table was one banana. It was like a real, hey, go fuck yourself, diva. You think of Joe Coy? I was in a club recently. Thursday, there was nothing. I didn't say anything. And then Friday, there was all the stuff in the rider, but it was in Walgreens bags. Oh, I've seen that. It's the plastic bags. That's a fuck you. That's a fun move. It reminds me of there's a great, great, great old story about the Lakers-Celtics rivalry. And the Boston Garden, the visiting locker, had no air conditioning. It was like 150 degrees, heat wave, June. And they're like, we need air conditioning. This is a league rule. This is like league policy. You can't just have us dressing. So they come back the next game, Kareem and Magic and Worthy, the whole gang, and Pat Riley, they show up. And there's just a big, giant box in the middle of the locker room. They go, there you go, pea brains. There's your air conditioning. Wow. Is that gold? That's good stuff. Those were the great old days. What's that? The HVAC 5000 BTUs? Oh, yeah. 5000 BTUs installed. Wow. That is crazy. Remember, he installs it by dropping the blinds off? That's when it goes installed. That's good stuff. That's gold. So, yeah. Great, great, great club. Great time. Got a lot of work done. And boy, I like that town. It's a great city. And Chuck, what are you doing? Are you about to assassinate us? Chuck's rifling through some leather pouch over there. Click, clacking away. All right. Well, is that okay? Is that all you got from Minneapolis? That was great. Rode home on the middle seat. Oh, I had the Nor'easter coming home on Sunday. So, flight was five-hour delayed. So, that Minneapolis lounge got its ass eaten out by me. I mean, I sat about 900 plates of food, 800 cocktails, 35 coffees and iced teas, and then I really unloaded on that toilet. That's fair. Well, we love you, Minneapolis. And, yeah, the Nor'easter, it was, like, not that crazy. They always overblow it. It was just wet and dank. But I'm glad to see some blue sky, because it was a dank shit three days. Yeah, like my ex. Real quick, we have time, right? Oh, I'm going to give a shout-out to the lady from Fargo. Some lady from Fargo came out. She's a huge gay. Frances McDormand? I wish. Huge gay. And she brought onesies and a toy car for the boys. So, thank you, madam. Oh, nice. Well, they're good people. Minnesota nice. Never been to Fargo. You ever been to Dakota's? No. Me neither. Neither one. One or two. One or two. South, north, east, west, nothing. No, never been to the Dakotas and. Alaska. Never been to Alaska. Yeah, me neither. Never been to Mississippi. What about Wyoming? No, never been to Wyoming. Me neither. Didn't Montana. I did Montana. I did Montana. I love Montana. The states I have not been to are North Dakota, South Dakota, Wyoming, Mississippi, Alaska. What? No, miss. No, I mean, there's not a lot of shows in Mississippi. There's casinos. Never been offered a single show. Never been offered a single show in Mississippi. It's the lowest. Intelligence? Intelligence and money-producing state in the country. It's got four I's and can't see. Yeah, and I think it has more GDP than Germany. M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I. Have we done this? I think we did that, and I think you were wrong. Yeah, sounds about right. All right. But I have family in Mississippi, interestingly. Oh, hey. A couple of Southern Bells. That's right. Well, family, I mean, close, dear friends that we consider family. You know, that kind of family. Well, I watched. I watched the Unabomber movie. It's a little wonky. It's not great, but. It's a movie? Is it new? It's brand new. It's number one on Netflix. Russell Crowe. Really? But it's all about the Unabomber as a kid and how they did the CIA shit on him, and it fucked him up. It broke him. That's why he became the bomber, which is a good name for my new special. Sounds like it's empathetic to the Unabomber. A little bit. That's good. That's what we need. They show him to catch him. Kaczynski. Smart guy. Yeah, yeah. Harvard. Yeah, I only. Everything I know about him is from that Good Will Hunting scene. Remember when he goes, he went to the school and he did this, and he blew the competition away. Ed Kaczynski. You know who's Ed Kaczynski? Unabomber. That's fun. We're having a bet. Who won? I did. Hey, how do you like that, Manos? Yeah, yeah, exactly. All right, all right. I'll check it out. That's what we need in this country is more empathy for terrorists. We don't have enough. I know, I know. 9-11. Good times. We deserved it. Well, anyways, I was in Toronto. Hey, the Great White Way. A great, great city of Toronto. By the way, speaking of diversity, more than 50% of that city was born outside of Canada. It's like the most diverse city in the world. It's very Indian. It's unbelievably diverse, and none of it has become majority. They're like 10% Indian, 12% African, 13% Chinese, 12% Japanese, 8% whatever. Pakistan. And some Americans living up there. I mean, it is a diverse town. And they're not happy with us. Well, our president keeps talking about taking them over and all this stuff, but it's embarrassing. But anyways, so I went up to Toronto, did Randolph Theatre. Ah, Randolph. And it was a beauty, which a lot of people have been telling me the sound was bad, which I didn't know. Oh, you hate to hear that. Which is funny, because it's one of those ones where you have the show of your life, you've got a standing O, the early show. And I was like, that might have been, Matt Wayne and I were agreeing, like, that might have been the best show we've ever done. And then afterwards, I got 14 emails being like, the reason the crowd sucked was no one could hear you. And I was like, crowd suck? Whoa. You're standing O. It was like the best show I've ever done in my life. Well, how does that work? It always happens. People go, yeah, we couldn't hear a word you were saying. I'm like, what the hell were they all laughing about? What? That's kooky. But I think pockets and sections maybe couldn't hear or something. I don't know. Damn. But I had this feeling, which is the best feeling in comedy. You get every once in a while. It doesn't happen often. Mm-hmm. But you go, I'm texting with my old pal, Isabel Hagen, one of my dearest friends, and you check in. Hey, what are you up to? Oh, good. I'm feeling all right. I'm going to Toronto tomorrow. Who, who, who? Toronto tomorrow? Ah! You ever have that? When you're going to a city, you text the person, they're like, I'm into the city. I love it. It happens once every 10 weeks, but it's great. One time, Henry Phillips and I were both in Montreal at the other club. It was unbelievable. Oh, man. That's why you always got to check. Who is it? Who's at the improv? Who's at the yucky yucka? Who's at the funny boo-boo? Absolutely. So she's like, I'm getting to Toronto. And I'm like, well, Matt Wayne and I are going to be there. So we all meet up. Big threesome in my room. Hell, yeah. It was a great time. Great hang. So we went out for breakfast, the whole thing. And then I get this one from her. She's like, I'm not going to come to the show. I'm a little tired. And you're like, what are you, crazy? This is one in a million. She's got no show, just a travel day. I'm like, we're down the street. Your best buddy is down the street. Down the street? Yeah, yeah. And it was one of these, all right, I'll come. You're like, yeah, you're going to come, you fucking slut. Hey, there you go. Well, hey, look, I've tried to get you out on nights when I'm in Seattle or whatever. Well, that's different. I'm in town because I'm with my best friend and my best friend's wife, who's my other close friend, and his children. What's she in town for? She was playing music. Uh-huh. And she's playing the viola. So she's just sitting at the Holiday Inn. Oh, OK. This is, I'm with. My closest friends in the world, putting the kids down, campfire, cigars. And it's further out. Marshmallows and a 25-minute ride. But yeah, I did that with your show and then Shane's show. This is how you get right to the middle. Yeah, we had the Neptune Theater. They were all asking about you. I know. Shane was at Tacoma. He's like, I need you. This is long enough ago that Shane was selling out but didn't have his buddies opening for him. Right, right. I don't have any. I don't have that need. That's a comedy thing that a lot of guys have. And I don't know where you were at on this, but like, I'm alone out here. I need you. I'm like, I'll be here for three days. I'll be all right. Yeah. I mean, I'd like to see you, but I'm not like, I'm dying. I need a friend. Ah, it depends on who you're working with, though. Well, that's true. I mean, there's plenty of times I've had queefs that I'm like, I would give anything for anyone to show up here right now. Right, right, right. Yeah. You ever had some Vegas? Those hangs at the cellar can be real rough. Yeah, yeah. With every Tom Dick and douche Dick Peter on the city block. Yeah. I mean, I've had it at clubs in New York where you're just kind of waiting to go on. And then you come in. I'm like, oh, my God. Yes, yes. That's how Karen and I became close. I was at the stand and you're like, this guy's annoying. That guy blows. This guy's the worst. Oh, my God. It's a woman, but it's somebody. Yes, yes. I'll take it. He's half a woman. Anyways, what was I saying? Oh, so we all hung out. We ordered, you know, we had food, the thing. You ordered delivery. It's great. And then this other woman was on the show, Allie Pierce. You know this woman? That sounds familiar. She's very funny. I think she's quite successful in Toronto. Toronto comic. Okay. She was one of these ones. I'm sure you've had this before where you get booked for a gig and I don't. It's going back to everything we were talking about earlier. I don't do that much reading or information. I just go Toronto. Hey, do you want to do Toronto in September? And usually you're booked a year out. So you're like, okay, great. You put it in the books. It was just for laughs. It was the festival. Uh-huh. So I didn't realize. realized that so it's one of these things you know you're like festivals are fun but just for laughs is over two weeks and it's huge and the whole thing so as it's getting closer like could you fill this out could you do this for this festival could you do this i'm like what is all these email and then like we need to find a canadian opener and i'm like but i'm bringing matt wayne they're like no no we don't do that this is the festival oh interesting but i'm like oh i already booked him so like well you got to get one of these people ah so i was like all right well can they mc and then mac and i already booked matt it was like one of those ones so they gave me like six people and this woman ali appears i'm like this one's great yeah i felt bad because i'm like i would have happily just had it be the two of us sure i'd already booked matt so i ended up being great but anyway she's a great hang and very funny check her out and then they go uh all right so she's doing 10 how much is matt doing i was like oh they're 20 and they're like they can make a face like this oh shit and i was like i was like no good you i go they go well and i was like well how long is this a show they go oh it's a one hour show oh tell me all this shit like what so i'm like all right i guess they'll do 10 and 10 and then i'm like i'll say 40 but i'm just gonna go long it didn't make sense because it was a seven o'clock show in a 9 30 show what i'm like it's my show yeah i don't i don't care for these rules yeah it was very strange so i ended up for the first time in my life just blowing the light because i'm like well i gotta give the people a show yeah yeah and you got a standing oh and the sound was fucked up so what the hell's going on in this wackadoo it was a wacky town wacky venue but the venue was awesome the show was awesome great time so then we hung out the next day and we ended up going to the toronto blue jays game i bought great tickets row eight behind home plate mike wilner gotta give a shout out he used to be the play-by-play guy for the toronto blue jays big comedy fan got us into batting practice we're on the field for batting practice and they're playing the cincinnati reds i got to meet tito francona whoa the rebel red sox manager my hero my idol i love this man he won two titles with the red sox and he was just standing over there by the dugout and i was like boy i would give anything to meet francona and wilner's like i'll go talk to him oh tito's vodka so it's one of these ones we are like uh i don't want to look over there in case he says no i can't handle the heartbreak sure sure so then matt's keeping an eye on he's like he's coming over he's coming over and i'm like oh my god and i i said you gave me the happiest memories of my life and and i have a son and i was like seriously you're my hero and he's like thank you for saying that that's very good no he's white tito well his name's terry but uh his father's name was tito yeah you know he's as white as it gets but uh tito i have to call ice i mean i'm sure he has some kind of um latino background yeah probably uh something in there i'm sure a little spicy but uh anyways he's great i love him and it was awesome to meet him and then the game was amazing it was like a come from behind win we had table server or waitresses at the game man and the roof was open blue sky beautiful night it was one of those ones we at one point he went and bought a joint do what you can do matt and i bought a cigar we sat outside in the park we walked around we walked about 11 miles just had the time i went to italy which is the fucking greatest you ever do that a hotel in toronto that is in the ballpark and you're like oh my god i'm gonna go to the ballpark and i'm like oh my god i'm gonna go to the ballpark and i'm like oh my god i'm gonna go to the ballpark i did i did it a few years ago and it was like spectacular that is the cool you want i didn't know it i was just doing a gig i walk out the lobby like wow there's a fucking baseball game out the window it's insane and crazier than when the game's going on is after the game at night you're just looking at an empty baseball stadium i love it kooktastic i love an empty baseball field there's grass on the field get a meal uh well anyways this has been fun as heck we got a guy you know sydney sweeney's converting to judaism is that right yeah a couple iron domes i don't know much about sydney sweeney except she causes a big controversy she shows her titties the ladies are not a fan two huge commercials that were problematic right yeah well women got jealous problematic yeah for the yeah i don't give a fuck one was the jeans yes i thought that was racist which is the stupidest thing i've ever heard yes yes nazi and then the other one is because she had like a football helmet they're like you're setting women's sports back which doesn't make sense because she's not an athlete i know it's a gambling ad she's she's uh invested in the gambling company and now it's going crazy viral because everybody hates her so it's it's working well backlash nobody care when lena dunham got naked i would love to make love to sydney sweeney oh we all would that's uh part of the appeal i think so uh but yeah so where are you gonna be there fit oh jesus i don't know uh philadelphia october 21st through the 23rd helium uh yep hell yeah i love that room he'll be there helium raleigh coming up uh good nights i'll be there in raleigh which is always fun and i'm doing the um connecticut stress factory which i've never done in my life sorry yeah but you drive home that's what's nice about that that's true hour and a half uh ridgeport we call that oh and i gotta when does this come out oh well we just shot dan bulger special last night that was awesome what room it's called deep cuts did i tell you his idea that's amazing and so funny and i'm so mad i didn't come up with this i can't wait first deep cut is the deepest he's got a pilot in the audience we're shooting a special with a guy in a pilot outfit in the front row and he's just gonna stand there the whole time i mean i would have given anything to have i've never been more jealous of an idea in my life i love it you don't address it you just do the whole show it's gold it's a it's a nice easter egg and tell him to wear some rainbow suspenders that's for the hell of it uh but anyways yeah join the punch i signed up for my email list on punch up because it keeps happening we're in toronto walking around people walking joe list yeah tuesday you're doing shows in town well i did two last night they were sold out 900 people found out about the show yeah where were you chachi come on so sign up for that email list there'll be no spam ever but we'll tech all i do is email when i come to your town and say i'm in town there you go fanny all right i'm coming to charleston at some point in time i'm coming to charleston at some point in time i'm coming to uh some room there i love that town it's i always say it's new orleans if i went to college and then great town but then i wanted to invite the wife and the kid down to charleston i said hey agent give me one show i'm doing one show i have a whole family weekend down in the cool town sit on a porch have a mint julep wear a seersucker she goes she has a death in the family funeral is that weekend can't go so i called the agent i was like she's not coming book me some more shit so he booked me greenville hey you know greenville north care yeah i've done greenville north carolina so yeah we just put that on the book come to greenville two shows on a friday i believe and we'd love to have you so check the website get a bodega cat get on punch up get all the goods and the patreon chuckles check out my podcast fun bearable but more importantly we're shooting this pilot with the crew of impractical jokers and it was fully funded but we just found out we have to do a little reshoot ah i hate a reshoot i saw your face in it yeah yeah exactly that's right so we need a little bit for the good guys funding if you want to get involved hit me up at discount chuck on twitter instagram and get involved with a very cool there we go all right folks see you now