#676 Rod Stewart

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hitter in the face of the surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah this Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy oh my god I love it out here what do we got a hot lady when he got no it's may is talking to two old ladies oh that oh I should touch it up that's a good good thing you brought that up her mom and her answer in town so buckle up boys are you kidding I know I know we'll keep a low profile this is terrible news this is worse than being in the lawyer's office I thought they would be gone for a while last time we did this I walked up stairs and your mother's like I can hear everything I know I know worse than your mother it's her mother yeah she's a wasp mass hole we got to get some egg carton shit you ever see those egg cartons they put up oh yeah but somebody told us this before years ago they're wrong they they're they're they're cartons are kind of not perfect but they have sound like blocking blanket we have one of my other studio you could put it right over the door well yeah because oh god years ago we talked about this and the guy said sound is like water if you don't have it sealed it'll just seep right under like you got to put up that crack in this crack right that someone else was like those sound puffy things in the thing that's to make the sound you know the pushy like pushy yes pushy yes he's like that's to make the sound good in the room I see it's not to protect other people from here and it kills the echo yeah it makes it nice the recording sound nice but it doesn't stop right may sue and Jill from here and us talk about fucking other women in the ass it's a vibrator not a condom it doesn't stop anything yeah it makes it better but by the way your name is Sue I was a label hey what about that yeah how about that Jill or no no Jill what's the other one Jeff Jill Barb you're not gonna get it keep going to the media that's a black woman Sarah he said Sue she name it is a quiqua these are all way Jill Cheryl at Crow not gonna get it throws me off the carmen it's it's normal but it's no no so is it like a dude's name Bob could be bobby Terry no it's Terry that's Terry we don't want to do it is a gee because it could be a guy a different spelling hi jeez jean wilder hi jeez I could use my jean Mike some fun docs I'm not Norm McDonald Martin mall I'm instead of the Martin mall cuz I don't know shit about this guy mulls a sleeper he's like Cosby he's funny as hell and no one knows about him just the trailer I'm like what I didn't know this guy I just know I'm as the homo from Roseanne I didn't know he's a musician and a comedian kind of yeah he was like a smothers brothers queen for a while yeah he's been around he's like Henry Phillips if Henry yes I guess and not gay and he's in but he's not gay oh he just plays gay I'm the show if Henry Phillips wasn't gay I see well thing on the film so but anyways yeah he's like watching the trailer and I'm like I didn't know this guy was anything I just thought he was some nerd on Roseanne he's been around he's a what do you call that a comics comic ah well I didn't know which is what they say about comics who aren't that big you know what I said they never say oh signfilts a comic cuz signfilts like signfilts or comics like a well no McDonald's little comics comics sure that's true big that's true comic Quinn is not like a stadium act but he's like a comics comic but he's big yes David telekets it a lot too yeah so this you know okay but yeah norm here's my worry about the norm I like Judd I like norm I love norm but they're gonna take they're gonna take all they're gonna sanitize it they're gonna take all the the harsh shit out because he went dark he would do some horrifying crazy horrific jokes and I hope so I hope they don't go hey look how sweet and nice he was I like the hard stuff I think they'll do a little bit of both all right but it's Netflix and Netflix does a lot of you know cleafen squeafen yeah yes a cleafen but I watched the Michael Jackson doc no diddling Michael Jackson by the movie the movie oh because the Michael Jackson doc is all that's why I watched four hours a dittle yes yes the moon you watch that movie I loved it seriously the kid is unreal oh he's like Michael Jackson's third aunt or something they're the related somehow but man is that kid tell he nails the moonwalk and the high voice and the oh wow that would be looks like a piece of hot garbage to me I wouldn't watch that if you stuck in my ass it may become most viewed biography of all time well that's what makes it so oh I see they went broad well I think it's very broad and cheapotipo and I think they just were like yeah he's the best yeah he was good I think right at your tanner for sure but if I want to watch a Michael doc I want to see some coming up but I agree show me a little kid but in a Ferris wheel but they get into the the the hard stuff the dad right beating the shove them the lighting himself on fire the Richard prior we call that but yeah it's it's a lot of fun it's well done all right well I saw the weight yesterday it's a fun film is that about Rupert hey take that Rupi we love you Rupi yeah it's fun it's Ethan hot and as you know I would watch Ethan Hock eat my father's ass while my mother fucked him in the take all the taking notes oh jeez I'm just trying to windows open to the window fire with some hobo here's the cell he'll subscribe they probably hurt footsteps down there above us right now turn the TV on I got together the other night and talk about Lindsey Clancy and I was like I gotta get out of here oh boy they're like she was going through a lot I was like I'm hiding the exercise equipment and I'm leaving oh man so what are they doing up there why are they well I'm going out of town for a gig and she has a thing a wedding or something so she's going out of town so we need a little coverage oh I see I was wondering why they're here but the baby left with the nanny I'm like shouldn't they hang out with the baby yeah we got no nanny weekend I see I see yeah like if my mother comes all the way down here I'm sticking the baby in her ass of course of course plan I see like Michael Jackson anyways I yeah the weight is good the weight is fun but now the kids in school it's unbelievable I'm over at the movie theater I'm jerk off watching Ethan oh you got the daycare now it's unbelievable it isn't school it's like a real school school they do attendance and he stands there they teach him the thing the blocks and the puzzles and the business they do the pledge of a lead I don't think they do that I see a little hiling who knows are now who don't probably a Muslim prayer but if Beckett mecca sorry is a big little weird but move into Cleveland final decision final answer Austin's out Cleveland's in don't do that with bigger oh I got some stuff all right got some stuff I need to go with this digger what's going on with this digger movie I don't know I saw the trailer again I've seen the trailer four times I don't know what the fuck this movie's about it feels like he's doing a George W Bush type of oh I see it looks a lot like dr. Strangelove it's got a real dr. Strangelove feel it feels bushy he looks a little bit like bush and it's digging for oil but a war thing which is interesting to be like we're making a George W Bush satire right 20 years later and then we have this fucking nitwit in office so right I don't know but I'm also just guessing Goodman looks like hell oh cruise looks insane yeah a lot of makeup but I gotta see this thing but it's crazy to be like I don't know what the fuck this is I know they keep it hidden but here's the clinker first of all bird man directed it the same guy yes and the revenue and the revenue which you know a couple of bangers there but I hear it's a sneaky musical well I heard a guy when I saw digger please and that I don't want one of my neighborhood but then he was like it's a musical watch out you're gonna show up and they're singing the whole time I left oh shit well I like singing I like a musical but that's crazy to not I know it's like the lady boy of movies you get tricked oh it's my dream all right all I want is to be in a room with a lady I decide I'm going for it Sarah will understand I unbutton that pants and boop up pops a fucking cock a roof and you go well I'm here I might as well shove it in my asshole yeah it's gonna be digging in there but this funny there's a couple old bags upstairs they're like this is how he makes money down there this shit ice I'm not kidding I would have to I would cancel I just wouldn't be able to do it I'm gonna put yellow caution tape on the roof and tell her I'm in the door and say hey we're spraying for bugs all right that's not bad what do you call that insulation no a fumigation fumigation your mother-in-law anna is upstairs yeah they can hear I know I know I thought we were I thought I timed it good they left I mean this is crazy I think I got to go to a museum or something it'd be nice they don't leave they read they can have he can hear you that much you think oh you should do a test I'll do a test but then they're gonna see fucking shitty legs walk up there shitty legs shorts on he's gonna walk up there they're gonna they're gonna fall down the stairs yeah they're gonna think you're a cripple don't do a test see wait I'm not doing it now I don't know my leg just say hey I'm a friend of Mark and I got a long john's if you want to say hey Mark - Mark hired me, not Joe a long time ago. - Yeah, just to say the exterminator. - Clay Mark. - That's not gonna work. - What's the luck? - You're the male man. - Say hi, I'm Mark's friend. He hired me a few years ago. Joe had nothing to do with it. Mark's the one that brought me in. And, you know, just say that to him. - Check it on the cable. - Yeah, the cable guy. - You're selling magazines. - Yeah. - People still read those. - Just say, hey, you produce the podcast. But if you say produce podcast, they're gonna be like, this is a podcast. - None of this makes sense. None of this is gonna work. Say, I'm a friend of Mark, I've gotta grab a water. - Hey. - I got a nice water or a hot dog or something. - There you go. Yeah, give me a coffee. - I saw that Luigi lemon ice. - Going to get a little water? - No, no, that's all right. I got a water in the bucks. Just go up there and see if you can hear anything. - What do you want me to do? Just wave to them and smile. - That's fine. - Hello, I mean, introduce yourself. - Say hi, I'm Chuck. I heard May's mom's up here. I haven't seen since the wedding. - The aunt's single. - Just walk to the top of the stairs. No one will know. They're not even up there. Probably out, they're probably in the back yard. - They're flagged and gardening. - I'll do it. I'll do it. Listen, if they're not up there, I'll go. - All right. - I hear it a lot of blumping around. - Oh, they're blumping. - Blumpkin. - They're probably showering. - Rupert Blumpkin. All right. - Oh, they're not great. - Oh, shitty. That's pretty good. - What are you, a mailman? - Anyways, all right. Chuck's gonna do a test. - Let me, so we gotta talk to him. - We gotta talk to him. - Normal, but fine. 'Cause you hear a loud guy. - I know, I know. - Okay, so yeah, we gotta go see Digger, we'll see Digger, and I gotta see the wait. - Yeah. - Then I shoved a fist like that. - Yeah. - The door's open. What? Seriously? - From here. - Other downstairs. - They're in the fridge. - I did the leanin' look. - Oh, they're in the kitchen. - Yeah. - Ah, jeez. - That's bad. We got two bonuses. (laughs) I mean, I stood there and you guys were talking. I wasn't like crazy. - But could you make out the words? - From here. - Your mother is 85, your old chef lady. (laughs) I walked up, she's like, I can hear everything you're saying. She said, those are the words she said. - I remember. - Everything you're saying. - I toss and turn every night thinking about it. - And we take this to the library or Starbucks. - We put blankets on our heads. - What do we, Muslim? - We do, we have a set up in the other studio where we have the big blanket, and we just put hooks on the top, and so we take it down whenever we want. - That's not bad. - It's super heavy and super thick. - Yes, captain hook, boom, boom. You put two, you put a loop in the blanket, you're good to go. - Exactly. - Well, we gotta get into some stories anyway. - Yeah, yeah. - You gotta live with it. - All right. - I don't know what to tell you. - Well, my story is clean as a whistle. - Mine, this is dirty as a cunt. - Oh no, like my aunts. - So when yours says that, it's like a whopper, yours is big, so you should go. - You go, you go. - Well, I got a couple of little quick things. - Please. - That's crazy. So it's up in New England this past. We're gonna do a gig up in New Hampshire. - Ah, what is it, Manchester? - This was a Seabrook. - Ah, yes, Seabrook. - Which I didn't want to get too specific 'cause it's a story that's kind of funny. I want to make fun of the lady, the contact lady. First of all, she had a, I don't want to say too much, but she had a name that I was like, I said to Sarah, I was like, this lady's gonna be hot. This is all, people with this name are always hot. - Even Seabrook's kind of hot. - Oh, yeah. Seabrook, Seabill, Seedick, what did Seedick start? - Seedick. - Seedick run, remember? - I don't know, Seedick. - Isn't that Dick and Jane, Seedick run? - I know it's run. - Seedick. - I think it was that, fun with Dick and Jane. - Yeah, and it was based on something called Seedick run. - See Ronnie run. - See Ronnie run. - That's a damn gross movie. - He's a run DMC, I think. - Ah. - Well, it doesn't matter, anyways. So the lady, she got a hot girl name. I was like, I guarantee this lady's hot. - And Sarah goes, okay, great, whatever. We got out of the car and I go, Sue, and she goes, yeah, that's me. The hottest woman I've ever seen in my life. Sarah's like, whoa, you nailed it. Most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. - Damn. - Ever, all class, dressed in nice, beautiful. - I'm dying to hear the name now. - I'll tell you after. - Tell me after. - But we get there, and I think they don't have comedy luck, 'cause in the green room, it's all these pictures of stars, and it's all athletes. It's Pedro Martinez, Ray Bork, whoever. There's only one comic, it's TJ Miller. - Okay. - So, I think they don't know comedy that well. So the lady goes, all right, so I'm just gonna go through the run-up show, and it's very funny, 'cause you know, we're comedians with about 50,000 shows. She goes, okay, the host's name is Dan Bulger. I'm gonna find him, I'll introduce you. I got to introduce you guys before the show, and I was like, oh, that's my friend, I've known him 20 years. I booked him, and she's like, oh, okay. Okay, well this man, Dan Bulger, he's gonna come out, he'll do 10 minutes of comedy. Then he's gonna say, Sarah, he'll say your name. Dan will leave, you'll come out. You'll do 20 minutes of comedy. Then you'll come off, Dan will come back in, and we're just standing there like this. - It looks like the sign film, but the way he does the lady, he isn't Helper. - Katie, yeah, the pilot is in the audience. - Yes, and then Joe, you'll come out. And now Sarah, my lovely wife, who's beautiful and hilarious, and smart, and sexy, and just, she's perfect. - There you go, Tolamash. - Great mom, but she doesn't always pick up on context clues. So I'm listening and going, all right, well, this lady doesn't know anything about comedy, so let's just, she doesn't know anything about what we're doing. - Yeah. - Sarah goes, is there a light? And I'm like, right away, I'm like, she doesn't know what you're talking. She's explaining that we're gonna come out one at a time and do comedy, and Dan Bulger. And so the lady goes, oh yeah, there'll be lights. - Yeah! - She goes, it's pretty dark, this sounds like I'm making this up. She goes, it's pretty dark out there. It's dark, so there'll be lights on you. - Oh, that's great. - There'll be four lights. - I swear to God, it sounds like a joke. She's like, oh yeah, there'll be lights, it's dark out there, so the light will be shining on you. And I'm like, this, Sarah, you gotta, come on. - I have stage four cancer, there'll be a stage. (laughing) - So that's that, the gig is fine, it's fun, fun gig, and it's like you were talking about casinos, paid a ton of money, one show, nice spot, nice and easy. - Good movie. - So we're in, so we're in New England, we stay up there for the weekend, Sarah does a gig in Manchester, Saturday night, so we decide, well, hang up my parents. I'm down at Whitman, birthplace the chocolate chip cookie, and use car capital of Massachusetts. - Ha, ha. - Folks, most businesses lose customers because of bad communication. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, that's spelled Q-U-O. The business communication systems built, so you never miss a call. Quo is the number one rated business phone system, built to work on phone and computer, so you can respond anywhere and anytime. You can get calls, texts, voicemails, transcripts, contact details, all in one place, any other team can pick up a chat. See the full history and respond fast. This is fast, fast, fast, fast. Quo automatically logs calls, generates summaries and flags, next steps, it can even respond after hours. - Oh. - After hours, so nothing falls through the cracks. - Good movie. - Reply's happened faster, and customers actually feel taken care of. Try today and see why Quo is trusted by more than 90,000 businesses. Money is on the line, always say, "Hello, what's Quo?" Try Quo for free, plus get 20% off your first six months when you go to Quo.com/Tuesdays. That's Q-U-O.com/Tuesdays. - Sing it, sister. - That's gonna sell like hotcakes. - Oh, I can feel it. - Hey, folks, sheath, baby. 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But once you try Sheath, there's no going back. That's H-E-A-T-H.com slash twos-gaze. Use twos-gaze for 20% off. That's a real fan. Sheath underwear, the underwear of legends. Thanks to Sheath for sponsoring this episode. - So we're down there and Sunday morning, I drive down to Starbucks, which is like a 25-minute run. 'Cause it's Whitman. Whitman's like, get outta here with your fucking Starbucks. It's like Poe-Dunk Trump country. They can't have a Starbucks. - Oh, that's too corporate. - Too rich. - Too rich. Too late. Starbucks is like, whoa, I tell my family, I come up with the Starbucks cup to like, whoa, look at this guy. What are you, a lawyer? Look at this fucking. - Oh, really? - Oh my god, are you crazy? That's everywhere. So what do you get, like a 7-11 gas station cup? - A Dunk Donuts. - A Dunk. - A Cumbi. - A Cumbi. - A Cumbi, if it nobody gets coffee at Cumberland Fabs. - I see, I see. - They go, everyone's Dunk Donuts. My town is 4.2 square miles. There's three Dunkin' Donuts. - Wow. - And it happened because Tim Horton's or Horton's, what other fuck it's called? - Horton. - They tried to come get years ago, probably 20 years ago. They made a move. They're like, we're gonna move the United States. We're starting to England. And they didn't know what hit 'em. They put a Tim Hortons in my town and I'm not getting within three weeks. They put up three Duncan those. It's important. He's was like, take care of y'all or a whatever the fuck they say. It's like putting a Jewish temple in Mecca. They like a fly. They all Cleveland. So they they left and now there's three Duncan Donuts. I go to Starbucks like a 20 minute ride. I come back. My father's in the front yard. My wallet's gone and he's just standing in the front yard and I'm like, hell's going on here. I thought somebody was dead. I thought my kid died. He's looking at the car, looking at me as I pull in the car again. So I'm like, why is my father in the front yard? And then of course there's a moment where I'm like, maybe he missed me. Wow. You dream it. Maybe he's going to give me a big hug and say, there he is. Where you've been? Oh, you're crazy. So I pull in. I'm like, what the fuck's going on here? Can a man stand in his front lawn? Because it's suspicious. I see. He can stand in his front lawn, but he's never has before. I don't know without mowing it. Or he's like this, just right in the front there. Just standing there barefoot shorts. Oh, barefoot shorts is bad. And I walk out and then I notice the neighbor, Sally. She's got a bathroom on. She's like, oh boy, they're fucking. So I'm like, oh, my dad just fucked Sally. That's hot. So I walk over. I go, hey, he goes, come here, come here. I thought he's going to show me her dits or something. Okay. I go, what the hell is this? I come over. Look at this. And I go, oh, there's a deer, given birth or something. That could be a deer because it's deer everywhere. I take the corner, nestled in, the house is here. You know, it's a little, it looks like the monopoly house. Yeah. And they're just, I think it's called a ranch. Just no basement, slab, little tiny, one level. One floor. One floor, no basement, strip of house. Yes. And then there's a little wooden fence nestled in there, a buck. Wow, the buck stops here. Now I've never seen a buck in the wild. I've seen a deer up the ass, but I never see the dude. I don't know what he's doing. Liberal buck. He's got, uh, antlers, six point deer, whatever. And he's curled up and this thing is like this. Oh no, he's alive, he's breathing. He's dying. Deaths door. This thing is crappin' out, dying. And I'm like, what the fuck? And Sally's crying because you women like care about things. Sure. She's like, yeah, this is crazy. Not the three newborns. And I go, uh, what the fuck is this? And he goes, yeah, it's just dying over here. So I go in the backyard and hop in the fence. I look down, it's asshole. It's just been eaten out. Hey, that's pretty good. It's just, it's, it's, the backside is missing. It looks like a U-Haul, certainly opened the door and blood and guts spilled out. Uh. This is asshole's missing. Your dream. It's got a big, gaping asshole. Hey, lady boy. Buck wild, digger. Buck digger. It's from a car accident? That's what I thought I was like, a car must have hit this thing in Torrance asshole. All right. And then he, he limped into the yard. So now I go full Netflix doc. I got like my binoculars and like, uh, uh, uh, monocle and a step-to-scope. What's the thing about that? Magnifying glass? Yeah, that's all. I'm just gonna look at my dick. I'm walking around and I'm like, here's the point of impact. There's like a big puddle of shit on this cement. I'm like, we got the impact point over here. The impact. Follow the step I'm doing this. Sally calls animal control. And she goes, yeah, the guy said he can't be over till later and whatever. But now the things it's asshole is just shitting out blood and guts and shit on my father's yard. And my wallet, my father's gay, his bedroom window is here. Oh, boy. And there's already flies buzzing around. Ooh. And ticks and shit and guts and it smells. Sure. Wait, did you get a whiff? Oh, I got a whiff. Oh, boy. And he's still alive. He's like, oh my lord. Sally, look at the eyes. He's got sad little eyes and red things. So I call the police. Not the night one, but the regular, you know, dispatch. Yeah. Talk to a lady there. She's like, yeah, how about your Whitman police? How's it going there? You're fucking dizzy head. Just skinny, skinny dick. Yeah, shitty legs. And I go, uh, hi there. I got a, I got a buck here, pal, step up. Yeah, yeah, a couple of bucks. I got a dying buck in the yard. She goes, oh, yeah, I think your neighbor called. We don't really do anything about it. My, my, my, call the animal control. His name's Joe. He'll come over. Yada, yada. It's funny. They all know each other. It's, it's a little town. Yeah. And that just takes my info. I'm like, I live in 350 Albany Street. And she's like, that's here in Whitman. I was like, New York, New York. She's like, New York, New York. What the fuck? What do you, Starbucks, okay? Yeah, exactly. So I take the thing down. So then we just monitor the situation. You got to keep the kid away because it's a dying fucking deer with blood all over his blood and shit all over him. Sure. So about two hours passed. And I'm checking on him. And it's getting worse and worse. Blabbered or labored? Is it? Blabbered breathing? Blabbered. Yeah. Blabbered day. His labored day. Blabbered. I don't know what the fuck. Maybe, yeah. This is the labor party with a you. Oh, yeah. I'm a believer. Tim Hortons. So he's all fucked up. I got some great photos of it. We could put him in here, but it's gonna trigger warning. Sure. This thing's fucked. So I sliced up some apples and I was like, male fiend apples. Oh, that's very nice. It's dying. It looks like this. So I'm like tossing apples and then it's hitting him in the face. Even if you did eat whatever, just fall out of his ass. That's a great point. Just go right through. Apple sauce with cranberry. I mean, it's just hitting him. I'm just like pelting in the face with apples. He's like, come on, dude, fuck up. So hours passed. So I go, I'm calling animal control. I don't know what Sally said and it's a woman. Nobody cares about a woman. No, they're not gonna help her. So I call him back. I call animal control. My dad's like, here's the number. I call it. It's literally just a guy. He goes, he goes, yellow. And I go, animal control? He goes, yeah, like there's no, it's not in office. So guys like animal control. How can I help you? It just goes, yo. And I go, is this animal control? He goes, uh-huh, I go, all right. Well, so my name's Joe and his name is Joe. So I said, I knew his name was Joe. So I led with Joe. So I have it in. Now you're in. Maybe he'd go, hey, Joe, Joe. Joe, Joe, it's a common name. So I go, listen, my name's Joe. So I know how you feel about life. And he goes, yeah, okay. I think his name will call, I go, yeah, yeah, she called, but I got to tell you, it's getting worse here. I mean, there's blood and shit all over him. He must have hit by a car. And then he gave it to the info. He goes, no, no, no, a cow won't do that. Cow will just break its bones. That's coyote, a car. Car. Coyote, he's like, this is coyotes. So I learned this about my town. Whitman is just peppered with coyotes. Oh, you got to kill him. They got seven coyote dens in this small town. I got more coyote dens than Dunkin' Donuts. Hey, guys, the neighborhood. So he goes, those are coyotes. A car won't rip its asshole off. - Right. - A coyote started eating his ass. - Man, very giving. So he must have put up a fight. - All right, good for him. - Bleeding all over the grass. So he goes. - Why would they eat the whole thing? It's just we'd eat the ass and leave. That's like, you get a hook or eat her out. - No, I think he got away. - Oh, that makes sense. - So I think the buck was walking, running, they attack in a pack. - Yeah. - They go, ah, and he's got, he must have been like, ah, ah, and these are the wolves you see. - Yes, yes. - The antlers, he's doing this. - I see. - And the coyote's going, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. They couldn't get him down, but they tore his ass off. - Yeah, my antlers upstairs. - Hey, that's good. I just spit all over the place. - Oh, sorry. - That's all right. I'm sorry. - Why am I up all the time? - Okay. - That makes sense. So they got his ass, but he left. He got away. - They got his ass. - But he's been bleeding out the whole time. So I go, well, listen, I got to tell you. This thing, it's in my fucking, my father's yard. It's outside his window. It's blood and shit everywhere. There's flies and ticks and I'm hard as hell. - Yeah. - So the guy goes, all right, let me call the police. I'll see if they can get over there and at least put him down. - Yeah. - I go, that would be great, 'cause this thing is really belabored. - Now, can you shoot it in the head and then grab a hoof and just drag his old bones into the street? - So here's what goes on. - And run it over if you'd time. Flatten it out. - So now I go back inside. I tell them, I'm the real alpha here. I really grab the horn by its tail. - Well, the dead is just sitting out there drinking coffee going, look at this. - Well, no reaction, no, like Jesus, this is crazy. - Well, he was talking to Sally. He let her take the lead, but I said, hey, women are less than. - Yes, yes, slower. - So I come over, I go, all right. I talk to the big Joe, animal control fella, and animal control AC Slater. And they're gonna send the cops up. My mother goes, that's it, we're outta here. She grab Marty, grab Sarah, put Sarah to a headlock. - Yeah. - Marty and the other, she goes, let's go get some monster trucks. - Hey! - And Marty's like, great, they shut off the target. - Monster buck. - So they take off, they get out of there, 'cause we can't be here for this. Meanwhile, I'm like, I got a podcast here. So I got a content. - So finally the cop comes, Officer Powers. - Yes. - Hold guy at a cop. Now I'm not gay or a woman, but I wanna fuck a cop in the ass. - Share your badge, buddy. - This guy shows up and he's all tall and his uniform fits well, and he's got the badge and some stars on his shoulder. - Well, the handgun, the taser. - Yes. - He's there to help. How you doing? What do you guys can't do anything about this? I'll do it. - Oh, all right, get a real man showed up. - So he walks in. (shushing) - Free the police, follow the back, the blue. - There you go. - There you go. - What have you got? Blue lies matter, I'll tell you that. - Here here, Pope Pope. - So this guy walks in, looks at him, he goes, oh God. - Yeah, geez. Hold dear. - Hmm. John dear. - There we go. Yeah, yeah, talk to animal control. It's not a car, the coyotes ate his ass. He's bleeding here, it's tragic. And he goes, well, talk to animal control. He can't get over here till later. - Hmm. - But, yeah, listen, I'm gonna, hmm. Get a winch on that thing because I'm gonna have to put I'm gonna I got to shoot it. - Oh! - And see you go, ah, but the other half he goes, woo! (laughing) - Yeah, a little show in a movie. - Now I gotta tell you, and some of the fans are gonna write what a cut liberal homo piece of shit. I've never seen a weapon fired before. Have you ever seen a weapon discharged before? - Sure, I've shot a weapon. - I've shot like machine gunner, it's got a range. - Well, but I guess I've never done that, but I've also just never seen somebody in the wild shooting a thing. - In the wild as a baby. - You never hit a bird with a baby? - No, a baby's a different thing. I mean, no, but also a baby gun. - Baby newer. - This is a fucking 45 caliber block. - The big black. - But this guy lives with it. I mean, he lives in Whitman, there's no action, there's no blacks. You need the buck. - Well, that's what I saw, there's plenty of blacks. But, ah, that's what I said, oh yeah. So, that's what I said, I'm like, you think they would be dying to get over here. You think they'd sit in the round going, let's get over here. - The phone's that ringing. - So, he goes, ah, I gotta shoot, and he's doing a thing, he's like walking around like this. - Yeah. - And he said, I don't know any of this stuff. He's like, you can't kill a deer in the head. It's actually hard to shoot a deer in the head and kill it. 'Cause I think they have tiny brains, like Whitman. - Oh, interesting, Sally. - So, they go, you gotta shoot it in the shed. You wanna hit the heart. It's like called a vision. - Oh, right, right, I felt pens, a black magic marker. So, I'm like, wow, this is crazy. And, you know, you back up a little bit. And I'm like, this is it. I'm going to watch a cop draw a weapon and fire on a fucking living animal. - None of these, he didn't burn these. - Nah, I respect the police. I mean, it's good for it, it's not, nothing gets him. - Yeah, but, you know, you don't wanna be that guy. It's like, let me get some of this. - I guess, I guess. - I didn't wanna be that guy. I would've called Rupert and got a full crew. So, I go, wow, he wouldn't have been there for six months. He's gotta rent a blimp. (laughing) Blimp, blimp, blimp, he's there right now. But, so, I go, all right, here we go. - For a group. - So, he goes, you might wanna hold your ears and I'm like, all right, so I'm doing the dynamite. - Yeah, by the way. - Yeah, by the way. - I got one finger in each ear. And he lines up and he goes, all right, here we go. I think this is it, I'm not sure. - The heart. - And he goes, boom, it's so loud. I've never experienced a fucking, and he goes, bang, and resonates. And the deer just starts going like, but, dude, it was like me, myself, and Irene. He's like, ah, shit. (laughing) - I swear to God, I swear to God, he goes, boom. The thing's like this. (groaning) He's got a load on that thing, but it doesn't even miss. - He's like, fuck, all right, yeah. Man, I don't think I got it. And I was like, what? - He's got a bullet, what's that? - Yeah, yeah. - That's bleedin' at the moment. - So, he goes, all right, well, shit, I'm sorry guys, but, I gotta hit it again. My sister comes out, she's like, she's got make-up all down her face, like her dress is torn, or tie a lot. And she's like, is he dead? And I'm like, go back in, he's gonna shoot it again. - He's gonna shoot you. - So, I watch the gun, I'm like, this is crazy. So, he's got the two hands on it, and he goes, boom! And it echoes throughout the fucking canyons. - Sure. - Now, every Tom Dick and asshole comes out of the house. - Oh, of course, of course. - And it's Sunday afternoon, so every single person has a Tom Brady jersey on, a two-blood, so everyone's just the same. Look at Donut's sweatpants. - It's like 15 guys come out in slides, shorts, and drew blood so jerseys, and they're everywhere. And they all start like, converging on it. It's like a horror movie, everyone starts going, "Hey, what's going on?" - Whoa, see, I hear a gunshot, I lock the door, I hide in the bunker. - Well, that's what I thought, they're like, we heard the gunshot, it was like, Dean Cook's car accident. - Yes, yeah, the dish. - Like, I was washing a dish, like, came out, that's not what he told me. But isn't it fascinating to, if I heard a gun going off, and looked on my window, and saw a police car, I'd be like, "Get down!" - Of course, of course. - My whole neighborhood's like, let's get in there. - That's a sign of a really safe neighborhood. - Well, I think it's also a sign of Netflix docs. Everyone wants their head, they want to be part of the thing. - Now, did they get the cameras out? I'm sure somebody had to whip up, there's some footage on Whitman Live, WNB8. - WNB8. - Well, I took them at photos, I got some photos. - Okay, okay. - Okay, we gotta put some trigger warnings up, 'cause it's gnarly, but the second time he shoots it, now this is the crazy thing that stuck with me for a day. - Trick or please. - It goes boom! And then he goes, that was it, I got it. And I literally hear this. - Oh, geez. - And I watched, like a Tarantino film, "Blood," shoot up, 'cause the deer was laying away, that's back was to me, so I didn't see the chest, and it just went, he saw the squirting. - I saw the squirt, and literally heard the noise. I've heard countless times in every movie. That was the blood of the mouth. - It's the blood, it's coming out of the chest. - Just ugly. - Yeah, because he shot it in the heart, so all that pressurized blood just went, and then it's got like a nervous system, and the whole thing is like, it's tail went up, and he's like, it's dead, don't worry, don't worry. He's like, that's just nervous, it's just this nervous system. He's like, it's dying, it's bleeding out. And he's telling, he was kind of jared by it himself. He was like, okay, we got it. - Quite a morning. - We got it, and, oh, Jesus. - Oh, that flew by. - Classic. So he's like, we got it that time, my sister comes out, she looks, she's like, it's not dead, it's moving. - He's like, it's just a nervous system, don't worry. And it just float out, and now the thing that was so fascinating, deer blood, at least, I don't know about human blood, it looks like fake blood. If I was directing a movie, I'd be like, get this out of here. It's fluorescent. - Interesting. - It's like a pinkish red soap right. - Wow. - Do you think it had to do with the deer's white fur, and it's on it though? - No, I don't think so. It was on the grass and everywhere. I can't not wait to see these photos. - It's something else. So-- - Boy, you're rural. - And it, by the way, there's blood on both sides, there's asshole from the coyotes, and then the mouth. I mean, then the chest. - Right. - So then, one of the neighbors comes down, and he goes, oh, fucking mock. Mock got this on his ring camera. That's the same deal. - Oh, he got to get that camera. - So, he watched it three days earlier, he has the coyotes attacking it on his ring camera. - Call in, Mack. So, this thing had been dying for days. - How long has your dad been standing out there? - Why? - I think it wandered around and finally found the dying spot, but so, the coyotes ate his ass. Like, days are gonna this poor fucking thing. It's just been dying, so he needed that gunshot, like, you know, like a COVID-vax, this thing. - Yeah, well, the cops out. - Did the right thing. 'Cause you think it's kind of counterintuitive. Like, oh, let's shoot a hurt animal, but that's the way to go. - Well, maybe think of two things about deer hunting that I've thought. - What? - So, that animal control came later and had to care. And my dad had to like help. We put a tarp over it. It was quite jarring to do a prayer and get on a knee. - Yeah, not really the praying type. - Say a few words. - He could run. - A lot of horror movies start with like a deer doing something fucked up. So, it felt very like open. But also, so I thought about this with hunting. - A, I just never would hunt. It's so fucking strange to me. I don't hate the people or is that why we eat it, do it, it's a game, whatever. - That's how we survived. - The idea of like sitting on sign, just like blowing away a deer. But then the blood and the guts and then dragging a dead beast and hurling it onto your truck. - Yeah, the carcass is so heavy. - Blood and shit, it's so gnarly. But, it also maybe think of a thing Rogan said to me years ago about deer hunting. - Aliens? - Well, it's like, you think like, oh, that's so inhumane and fucked up, which I don't disagree. But, he's like, how do you think deer die naturally? - I think it's gnarled by a coyote's ass. - They're not in a hospital with families surrounding them and have like a slow drip and say good night and close their eyes. - It'd be nice. - He's like, if they live there full-out, like getting shot in the chest is not the worst fate for a deer. - That's interesting. - This thing's been dying for four days. - Right. - With its asshole missing. - Yeah. - And opposite powers shoot some twice in the chest. So, it's not, it doesn't end well great for animals in the wild. Not that it swings me around. I'm like, I'm gonna go shoot some shit. - Well, I'm a deer dynamo old age. Like, I had a good life. - Yeah, exactly. - I've laid down this blanket and think about my childhood. - But, man, it was something else. So that's just real quick 'cause I know you're a whopper. So that happens. I see the cop shoot the deer and fucking it's dead. But watch the Patriots game. The neighbors are all hanging out. Then we try to start raining. We drive home, me, Sarah Marty. We're driving all the way home. It's like a five hour ride. Sunday night. - We just picture that deer blood. - Yeah, I'm dealing with that. So then, we hit a little bit of traffic here. They are the other way. We're driving on the highway. Long ride, you know, they're in their own world back there. They're playing games, whatever, talking. I'm driving, I gotta focus. And I got this deer trauma in my head. - Sure. - It's rainy, skinny, wet. I watched these two cars are kind of like racing each other, like fucking assholes. - Oh, I've seen this, yeah. - And one pulls over to the left. No blinker. Just all of a sudden the car just like whips in front of me, pulls off to the side of the road. And I'm like, what the fuck was that? That was weird. Whatever pulls over to the left. No blinker. - Okay. - Interesting. Keep driving, maybe four minutes later, this car whips in front of me. Just doing 100. You know, these people, the New York highways always are like, I mean, I guess America, whatever. We get some chuchuap dego out there with the little piss and vinegar. - It goes, whoa, it cuts in front. And I go, Jesus, that was not some driving. And I'm a very good driver. And I'm very safe. And then this other car that I watch pull over comes whipping by, drives right up to the other car. Boom, hits it from the side, like spins it out. - On purpose? - I think, I don't know. - Whoa. - It goes, what? Boom. - Both cars start spinning. Fucking bumper flies off. - Lord, that did, this guy spins this way. This guy spins this way, and I'm the next car. - Wow. - So I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, I hit the hazards. I fucking break, but not too hard, 'cause the car, it's raining, and I move this way, this car spin this way, this one spin this way, so I had to do this, this, then back around this way, then I gas it, 'cause I'm like, I don't know, I don't wanna lock up the brakes, 'cause we're just getting away, so I gas it all the way around, rumble, this car is a foot and a half, still spinning this way, I go, whoa, and I look back in the review, I'm like, holy shit, I've never seen this before, so I saw a cop shooting a deer and then a live spin-out, wow, in the rain, and I was like, whoa, whoa, and so I was like, holy shit. - So did you all do this one? - And my, Marty's like, what was that, what's that? And I was like, we're okay, you're okay, I got the hazards, and I just take off, and I was like, I just saved our lives. - You got that right, Fetty? - We're alive, 'cause of me. - Yes, that was great. - That was great. - And she's like, oh my God, thank you, daddy, I love you so much, oh, I gotta cry, I'm like, I'm not joking, I'm not being, whatever. - Traumatic. - Proudest moment of my whole life. - Whoa, I am a man, Jerry. - Wow, what about last comic standing? - Nah, unless a man would have, you know, ah, screamed like a monster, I did, they're just the right amount of break, gas, move, swivel, woohoo, this stuff going on this car, you have no idea. - So it was behind you, just a fiery wreck, probably. - Well, I didn't see any fire, but it was a fucking wreck. And then I realized, I'm like, I think these guys were like, beefing, that's why the guy was like, you wanna pull over? - Yeah, yeah. - Oh, fuck you, and look insane. - Oh, I see, he thought he was gonna pull over with him, then they'd have it out. - I think, and then now they're in a car accident. Imagine exchanging, they might have been, Sarah's like, they might be duking it out right now. - Hopefully, but I mean, geez, you could kill a guy, you wouldn't add, you bump a guy in the rain? Of course, he's gonna spin out. - He might have been dead, and I should be a witness to this thing, I don't know how to give information to the highway patrol, there's a lot of cops listening, we love you, let me know, Sunday night, 95, I don't know what accident was, but Sunday, the grip reaper was looking for you. - It's crazy, and I was like, how often do you, these are like four hours apart? To watch an animal get shot to death and a fucking full-speed car wreck, right, and I mean, right in front of us. - Wow. - Right there, probably four car links in front of us, spinning both ways. - It was at Omen, that you were supposed to get, and they got, if Sarah was driving, you'd be sleeping with the fishes. - Anybody, I mean, my whole family could have rolled and died, it was unbelievable. - Dad'd be in the front lawn for a different reason. Ah, my son died, my grandson, my daughter-in-law. - Yeah, that's it. So, eventful Sunday, unbelievable. - Wow. - Fucking, and proud to say we're home. - We're glad to have you back. - I'm happy to be here, I mean, Texas would have really been missing me. - Yeah, Texas, it's all pipes. - Yeah, what are you gonna do? - Damn. - All right, we got a year. - Yeah, you got a year. - Okay, okay. - I'm in October, hasn't even, at least hasn't even kicked in or used. - I'm gonna check it in two years, you're gonna be shooting your own deer. You're gonna be walking around with two saddlebags on the side there, twirling guns, shooting everything. - Oh, I got a gun. I already have the cowboy hat. I'll get a gun. - Yeah, might as well get a gun at truck. Mexican wife. - Oh, I love that. - Yeah, good tortillas. All right, well, I'm gonna try to whip right through it, but this is heavy duty. - All right, heavy duty. I like heavy duty. - This is heavy duty. We got all kinds of heavy duties. - Well, this is a motion. That was action. This is a motion. - I can't wait. I mean, you in a motion. - I can't imagine. - I'm nervous telling it. Yeah, this is not, this just changed me, Jerry. I'm a new person now. - I can't see it. - All right, well, so I got two sets on Monday. - All right. - You know, standard night. Hey, New York comedy club, New York comedy club. Easy peasy. I got some new stuff. I'm excited. - Got you. - First set, do it. Get off stage, get the text. The boy is weezing. It's really scary. He's weezing like crazy. He can't catch his breath. I go, "Ah, weird. How's he feel?" He doesn't seem that bad, but I'm gonna put him down. Maybe we can sleep it off. I'll keep an eye on him. I go, "Okay, great." I go down to my second show. I'm walking in the door. This is really bad. She sends me a video. And he's like, "Whoo, whoo, whoo." The shaking and I was like, "Dear." Yes, he was the dear. He got his ass eaten. I go, "Go to the hospital." Here we go. She goes, "I'm bringing him to the hospital." So I walk in the club. I go, "My kid's sick. I'm gay. I'll see y'all in hell." And they went, "Toodaloo. Jump in a cab." Now, I get in the cab. I got a wacky driver. I might have had your guy on the highway. I got a crazy Indian guy. He's in the van cab. We're getting on the-- - I like those van cabs. - I don't love me either. The whole thing with the door. I get the sliding door. They're like, "Don't touch it. Don't touch it." Then they hit the button. You got to wait for the door open. Then you get in. You're like this. He's like, "I got it. I got it." I'm like, "Okay." The door closes. There's always noise. There's no suspension. It's all like, "Bang!" "Blood of truth." So true. What is this vehicle? I know. Get some shocks on this thing. I mean, Peru. Yes, yes, Peru. So we get on the Manhattan bridge. So they're merging and there's a construction thing. So we all got to get in one lane. So he just starts merging. There's a guy right here in a camera. And he's just going. And you can see the camera guy going, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." And he starts honking. They hit rearview mirrors. Whoa. So he just slides in. The guy puts on the brakes. So I was like, "Whoa. This is getting crazy." And he's like, "This guy is fucking idiot." And you know when you're in a car, you're like, "I agree with the other guy." So I just got to head. I just look at the phone. Like, "That was crazy. This guy's a free tart." So we go down the bridge. And the guy's behind him. Like, "Bang! It was Indian. Indian crime." And we get off the bridge. We get to a light and he goes, "Fuck this light. I'm taking a left." I go, "There is no left." Like, "You can't take a left here." And he was like, "Oh, you're right." Pops the curb, pops the tire. So I was like, "Pull over. I'm getting out. I'm going to the hospital. I'm going to the Brooklyn hospital. I'm about to die with this guy. I took a photo of the tire. I'll send it to you." And let's see. He looked like a chooch with the wife. Like, "I'm in a van. The tire pops." He's like, "What?" This is one of your stories. Yeah. So I was like, "Tirepop. Photo." So I go see and hell and I threw like a 12 bucks of the guy and I ran out of there. I run to the hospital, which is weird. You feel like a movie. What are my Tommy Lee Jones? Harry Met Sally. Yes, yes. So I run in. I go, "I got a sick kid." They're like, "Whoop. You got to go through the metal detector." You're like, "God damn." All right. Beep, boop, boop. You're getting the dumb rat maze. Tell me we don't live in a shit fucking zone. You got to go to the metal detector to see your sick kid. I'm walking in with a revolver. Yes, you got me. So I run in. So I run in and I go, "Okay, he's on this floor." I get in there. He's in a gurney. He's cute. He's sitting up. He's like, "Hey, dad, dad." "Dad, dad." So I'm like, "Oh, okay, he's all right. He's all right. She's in tears. She's a puddle." And is that Mike Feady? So then. It might have been Mike Feady. How about that? Get down. So, Sydney Feady. Kill the line. So the doctor comes in. Nice guy. Indian guy. But remember, it's 10.30 at night. We're getting the B squad here. The hospital looks like shit. There's graffiti. There's trash everywhere. The floor is filthy. We're in a gurney. All you hear is it. It's just curtain, curtain, curtain. And you just hear like, "Ah, man. Fuck you. I'll kill you, bitch. Don't talk to me like that." You know, and these poor nurses. I don't know why anyone would join this, this job force. Right. I mean, I get you want to help people. But it's all just psycho, ghetto, crazy, wacko. People like, "Oh, the law is coming to get me. Don't touch me there." I'm like, "It's a thermometer. Fuck you." And you're like, "They're trying to help you." Right. So you don't want to be that guy. So I get in there. And the guy comes up and he's like, "You did the right thing. This kid needs help. He needs help. I want to help him." Great, great. And he's got the thickest accent in the world. And he don't want to be xenophobic. But I can't understand him. Plus, there's a lot of medical jargon. So I keep him like, "Wait, what?" And he got a kid here. So this is serious. So you need to understand the guy. And I feel bad going, "Say that again. He's going, "We need more albatrol." Then you got to hit him with the end and see you. And then we got all these jargon. So you're already lost. Uh-huh. And then you can't understand him. That's why the nurses are there. I don't like the nurses supposed to come in and be like, "Shook, you got me fine. They're going to give me a little, no, we can't." And suck this dick. I would like to. I would like to. Thank you. Yes. Give me the nurse. Give me Kweefletifa coming in with Tweedy Scrubs. Something. But I can't understand this guy. So whatever. I'm trying to be nice. And he keeps calling me daddy. Which is really pissed because I'm the dad. So he's like, "Don't worry, Daddy. We're going to handle this daddy." And I'm like, "Ah, every time he says, "Daddy." I just lose a little of myself. I'm so cringed out with a daddy thing. He's like, "I care for you." The baby, the baby's going to be fine. But don't worry, Daddy. Here, we're going to do this daddy. We're going to do this daddy. And I just hate this guy immediately. He's nice. But he's pissing me off. I can't get any information out of him. He's very vague. And he does that thing where he's like, "I'll be right back." And then he sits at a computer five feet away. So you're like, "I see you there. I have a million questions. All I hear is typing." And I keep going up to him like, "So what's the deal now?" And he's like, "Don't worry, Daddy. I'll be back, Daddy." And it's like, "My dick, Daddy." And I'm like, "All right, what's the daddy?" Call me daddy. So eventually, we're sitting there and they have to take his temperature. So they stick a metal rod up his ass. Which, what is that? What year is it? They don't have the gun. They don't have the thermometer. They don't have this thing. Like, we got to do a metal rod. But he has the forehead. I know, I've got the B squad. So watching, and this is like a rod. Jerry. Rod Stewart. I mean, it's wild watching a rod. It's like, "Why the rod?" Do they explain the rod? They don't explain anything. So they've got a gun. They go, "Boop." I know. And I go, "Why the rod?" They go, "Don't worry, Daddy." "Don't worry, Daddy." I'm like, "Stop coming, Daddy." So I'm getting flipped. I'm flipping. I'm heated. This poor kid, he's going through hell. And he's, this is what hurts the most. He's being sweet about it. about it. They put a metal rod up his ass. He's like, "Daddy, daddy, daddy." And he's looking at me. I'm like, "Gah, it's like ISIS torture." - Right. - So eventually they go, "All right, this kid's fucked. He needs an IV." I go, "IV." They go, "Yeah, we gotta put a needle in his hand." Then put an IV connected to the bag, hanging. And he doesn't understand. So they have to pin him down. And there's like five guys pinning him down. And he's like, "Look at me in the eyes. Tears coming down." He's like, "No, no, no, no." They put a fucking needle in there. And then he's yanks the needle. You know, and the needle pumps that. So they gotta put their thing back in. And then they have to wrap his hand up with this thing. And then they put a diaper on top of the thing and seal up the diapers. And now he's just got this. And he's doing this and this and it, "Oh, the whole thing was painful." And then they go, "Okay." He needs air, an air shooter, air gun, or air fryer. Oh shit, what's the air Jordan? - Yeah, it's like an air compressor. So they put this thing around your head, goes up the nose and it shows oxygen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like the old people. - So this guy wheels in, he's a nice guy. He's just like, you know, black guy working late shift. He's super cool and he, I could talk to him. So I'm like, what is this? Do we need this? I'm holding the kid. He's got the thing in. They took blood. They put a rod up his ass. It's too much shit. So he's going, "Don't worry daddy, it's air. It's air." And this is like midnight. The wife, I'm like, "You're pregnant. Go home, I'll stay here with the baby." So she goes home and-- - She goes home? - Well, she's like, she's like this. She's so tired. She falls asleep at nine every night on the couch. So it's midnight one o'clock by this point. The baby's ever been up this late in his life. So he's just miserable and crying and sad. But I give him a car. And he's like, "Car, car." He's trying to play, which makes it so much more painful. So he doesn't know what's going on. So he's like, "Why are you doing this to me?" Whatever. So he finally falls asleep. The guy shows up with the air thing. It's his big old machine. It's got a-- (barking) Engine on it. So they go, this is perfect. He's asleep. We'll put the shit up his nose, little head strap. He'll breathe great. It'll really help open his lungs up. But I'm like, "Okay, okay." As long as he can stay asleep, the kid's got a sleep. And they put the thing on him. Pulls a rip cord. This thing, (barking) fires up. The kid goes, (barking) It's shooting like a million miles. It's like shooting up his nose. And he's like, "Rip his face. He's got the boxing glove, like the diaper." So I go, "That's it, that's it." Everybody get the fuck back. And I have flip. I lose my shit. I'm holding the kid. And he's attached to the bag, the IV. So I'm like, "Yank it him, the bag comes rolling down." And I go, "That's it, that's it." Everybody back the fuck up. Back the fuck up. I lose my shit, 'cause I feel so bad for this kid. Two janitors come up and they're like, "Whoa, whoa, man." You take it in. Now I'm the crazy guy. I'm John Cue. Yeah, you're the little people next to you. I'm the guy next to me, and I'm like, "This is enough." Enough's enough. The kid's bleeding everywhere. He's got-- he's got to sleep. He's got to rot up his ass. You're calling me daddy. I'm calling it. I'm talking about the door right now, 'cause they wouldn't tell me anything. Yeah, they're not diagnosing them or anything. No. What is he doing in this? They kind of guinea pig him. Let's try this. Let's try that. I'm like, "You can't try a bunch of shit on a one-year-old 10-month-old. We need answers." And I'm like, "Is it asthma? Is it this? We don't know yet. We're not sure. They don't want to tell you anything, 'cause then I could sue them later and go. He said it was asthma. So I get that. And I get that they're trying to help the kid, but I couldn't take it anymore. I flipped. So I said, "Get the fuck away from him. No one come near me. Get that thing out of here." And the plaque goes, "Yeah, this thing's that great anyway. Like this thing, no one ever works. Just done working." And I was like, "What is this? What are you doing?" So he was cool, whatever. So I tell the guy, "I have no information. I'm in the dark. Back the fuck up. No one's touching this kid." And two nurses walk. Three nurses walk up. Nice, young nurses. And now you can tell he got on the phone. He was like, "This guy's crazy. We got a live one here. This guy's aggressive." And then the TLC. Yeah. So the three ladies come up. They're young. They're nice. They're calm. And they're like, "Okay. We heard there's been a problem. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to take him upstairs and we're going to put him in the NICU and the Pediatrics area." And I was like, "Okay. Keep that guy away from me. That guy. I hate him." Whatever. No problem. Everybody hates that guy. He's the worst. So we go upstairs. And now the kid's like, he's like traumatized. He's like kind of jittery and he's under a blanket. He's got hand bleeding, the tube up with the bag just. So I'm pushing the IV with him so it doesn't yank. We go up to Pediatrics. They put him in a crib and I'm like, "Just let the kids sleep. Please." And once we got there, they were nice. Okay. I think we got normal people. And it was women out of the ER. Yeah. A train wreck. Always. Actually in a big city. Yes. It felt like he was being tortured by like a terrorist group. Right. That's what he felt like. No offense with the accent. We get up there, flipped on the guy, it's okay daddy. And once we got there, I have photos, he's in a crib, but it looks like a cage. And they have to put these sticky things on them to check the vitals. Which I get. But every now and then they come in, they're like, we need new stickies. And they rip them off and he goes, ah, ah, and then he yanks the thing and pulls them and he goes, ah, and you just, I'm sitting on a recliner and they're like, here's a blanket. So you're just laying there watching the kid trying to sleep. It's five in the morning, whatever. And I got, you know, I got about an hour of sleep. And finally, I was like, when can we get this kid out of here? I think he'd be better off at home because every time they come in, he's like, he's doing this shit. Right. And then they do stuff and he yells, daddy, daddy, ah, I can't even tell you the feeling. Now, at any point are they saying, here is what's going on. They keep going. It's probably two things, broncholitis, broncholitis, which I think is a dinosaur. And then not bronchitis, broncholitis, give it a go. Broncholitis are bronchial, remember good fellas. Ah, yeah. This is bronchial. The Bronx. No, no, no. Or it's asthma, but we don't want to say it's asthma, but that's what we think. And a bunch of people keep coming in. I'm like, just let the kid sleep. Once he's down, he doesn't yank. He's pulling a needle out of his vein every 10 minutes, you know what the yank, he doesn't understand. I'm sitting in the crib with him, I'm trying to like play cars with him. And I got to tell you, there was, you know, it's kids' place. So there's like paintings all over the wall, like cartoons and he goes, he's, you know, wonky. He's got the big bags. He's been crying all day. He's got blood splatter on him and he goes, fishy. There's a fish on the wall. I fucking lost it. I just broke down. I wept like a bitch because he's still, even after all this, he's like, I know a fish. Right. I don't know why that killed me. With the other stuff, it was like defense, protect the kid. This was like, oh, he's trying to be fun and have a good time. Even through all this hell, well, kids are inspiring because they're, they're unaffected by illness. Yes. Yes. They're just like, I don't know, I want to play monster track. They'll be sneezing and snottin' shit everywhere, and they're like, well, whatever. I got fucking, I'll throw a loco over here. Right. It's really inspiring. It really is because all we do is complain. I'm like, I, I got no sleepless night. I'll fuck you. I'm going to run you, I run you over, but he's like, my, his head is heavy, he keeps like falling, and I'm, anybody's still trying to be like, dad, dad, you know, and so, uh, oh my God, I was supposed to either get no sleep. The lady shows up at about 7 a.m., and they let us go at about one, the longest day of my life. And then they go, you should go to a pediatrician, and I'm like, after all that, that's what you tell me. Go to the doctor. Give me some antibiotics, give me something, and they go, uh, how about an inhaler? I'm like, we have an inhaler. We tried to inhale him. That didn't do it. I'm like, yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay. So yeah, go to the pediatrician. So after all that, we go to the pediatrician, and by the way, we pushed this kid out the door. He's like, huh, huh, and we get that IV out of him. Get that IV out of him. What's the best thing that ever happened to him? Yeah, yeah. It's like a leash. You got to cut him free. Completely. He's like, I got, I go to the park every day. I got toys. I got a fun house. What is this? Not only am I in a cage in a random building with beeping all the time. I can't move. Right. He's shackled, literally shackled. At one point he got out of the crib, and he tried to walk around and he pulled the bag, the IV to fell over. I mean, that was, uh, it was the worst day of my, I got people texting me about this meme, but I'm like, get out of here. I got a baby here. So it was, uh, it was brutal that we took him to the pediatrician. He was like, he got, he's not getting anything from the inhaler. That's the problem. So we got this face thing and he keeps doing this shit. Oh, yeah. We puff it. We puff it. Yeah, some of that probably went in. Another was going in. So she gave us a different inhaler. And that has been helping. But he slept 14 hours. Wow. Woke up today at like 9 30, which is crazy. He usually wakes up at seven. And then, uh, he's better. He's still coughing, but we puffed him twice. So. So do they. No, him with something. No. I think it's either broncholitis. Does that come up or it's asthma? And I think it's asthma because she has asthma. Uh-huh. So, uh, I know that's that the funniest story, but. But does it so long as 12 hours of my life or? Do they say, okay, going forward when this happens, do this or do this every day? They say puff him. Puff him. He gets, when he gets sick, which he is, which all kids get sick. He started a new day care. It triggers it. Right. Like, it's viral. It's viral. Like, well, it's viral. Get the guy some medicine. Like, no, the body has to take it, take care of it. Oh. I know. I know. It's really. You sit there and be the wife, just going to the healthcare system. All you hear about is the healthcare system, but boy, is it true? Well, yeah, that's what's funky about it. It's like, I don't, I feel like I want answers. Like, what happens, uh, you know, in three weeks, if this happens again in the middle of the night. That's what we do then. Do we go back to. Right. Brooklyn Hell Hospital. I know. I guess we shoved the fucking silly thing in his face. - And that's why I was so frustrated. It was like, what happens now? What do we do now? What happens when we come back home and he gets sick again? They're like, yeah, that's good. That's a good question, daddy. I don't know, daddy. So that's why I've lost my shit. - Right. - And I get that we're trying to help the kid. I'm not, I'm not a retard. Like, hey, you're hurting him with the IV. I get that it's all nutrients and all that, but you have to factor in some sort of, what's the word, just pure trauma. - Right, right. - Like we have to factor, like this kid is going through it. Let's give him a minute. - Right. - Maybe let's not do the blood testing with the needle directly after the IV. - You know, that's why bedside manners are important. That's why it's so much better to be at a pediatrician or a doctor because at the ER, they just, they gotta cure a fish to chicken to dog. It's just whenever it comes in and they're dealing with psychos all day, they're working the midnight shift. - Totally. - So they don't have that empathy that's necessary with a kid, let alone a kid and a fucking toddler. - I know, I know, and I'm the ignorant parent who doesn't know anything. So I'm like, whoa, what's this? What's that? And they're like, all right, asshole. We're taking his temperature. I'm like, that's a metal rod. You know, so. - Well, I don't understand the temperature thing, but that's what the emergency room is such a nightmare. Again, particularly in a fucking city like this. - Yeah, well, you get, you know, people take private jets, people have private security. I, you know me, I don't like to spend money. I will spend all the money in the world and you get a guy, an old man with glasses and a tie on going, all right, come on over, I got it. - Well, this visit's gonna cost you all the money. - I know. - You get that bill. - He had his own room. They gave us breakfast in the morning. - He gave us a teddy bear. I was like, that teddy bear is 10 grand. - Yeah, you're gonna get a bill for $75,000. - And it don't have insurance. I mean, that's, that's another episode. But yeah, she has it. - Oh, okay, that's something. - Yeah, yeah. - Let's see. - Let's see. - Yeah, I mean, the most frustrating part is just that they're not like, oh, this is. - Yes. - Bubbly boops, give me a bob. - Still don't know. - Take this and that because this could happen fucking tomorrow. - I know, and he got back and he was wheezing again. I was like, God, I fucking flipped the table over. And then we'd take him to the pediatrician and I was like, she's like, he seems fine. He seems fine. He seems fine now in an hour. He could be shit and blood. - Well, that's, we do then. - Every doctor's appointment I've ever had ever. You go in, you're like my, you know, my spleen's been making a noise. It's like, it's not doing it now. I think you're fine. But it will as soon as I leave you, whatever it is. I've been shitting blood. Did you shit blood this morning? Not this morning, but yesterday. Well, I didn't do this morning, it's probably fine. - You have to shit blood in front of them. They're like, ah, like, I flipped on the guy and they were like, let's help this dude. And I'm like, I shouldn't have to flip. You should help the guy, the kid immediately. - Of course. - So that's what was so frustrating and then you go, hey, I hear all the people on the other side of the curtain. They're all psychos, they're all yelling at you. I'm not, I get what you're doing. I don't wanna be that guy, but you're making me that guy. - Right. - No, it's really tough, it's a tough go, but woof. - Well, you wanna do my pod, like, get outta here. - Right, right. Well, he seemed okay today, just quiet, but hopefully he'll be fine. I mean, so it may have it when she was little, little like this. - Yes. - And they Sarah was all fucked up all life. - Oh, yeah, she's still got it. But they say when the kid attends to go away. - Yes, Sarah's totally fine now. She's like a distance runner. She even smoked as an adult for like 10 years. When she was a kid, she was in on the hospital all the time, all fucked up. - Yeah, it makes you feel better 'cause she's normal now. - Yeah. - Holy moly. - And you got AI coming. - That's true, that's true. AI, I'll tell me a verdict. These guys won't even give me any fucking answers. - Did you talk to Chatchee PT? - I didn't, I didn't wanna be that guy. - Oh, Chatchee PT. That'll give you all the answers. - Did Broncalitis come up? - Bronchialitis. - Thank you. - Bronchialitis. - Yeah, bronchial. That's the, that's the real. - I looked up the thing about the thermometer too. - Yeah. - And it says it's normal with infants and young children. It's way more accurate than using the gun. - Okay, well you can use it on adults. - Later they did the under the armpit. I was like, we couldn't have done under the armpit two out of 10 hours ago. - Yeah. - That's also like, well how accurate do we need the temperature to be? - I know, yeah. - If the gun is a full degree off. - Yeah, yeah. Can we do that instead of the asshole fucking broad? And then I would ask, you know, once they got nicer, the next morning, I'm on no sleep, I'm wonky. I go, can we take the IV out? I think he's had like five bags of IVs, he's 30 pounds. And they go, yeah, let's leave the IV in. And I go, when can we take it out? They go after the paperwork. And I go, when's the paperwork? They're like, we're waiting on the paperwork. Like, can we just do stuff? Why do we have to wait on the paperwork and all this? I don't know, the whole thing was hell. But it's over now and I can't go back there. I can't, I'm traumatized. I couldn't sit down with a wife and go, I am disturbed. I was disturbed. Jerry. Wow. Well, it's going to be a hefty bill. That's going to be the most disturbing part. I guess so. But IV for 12 hours. The real winner is the kid. He came out of there and he's, he got home and he started playing. And you're like, wow, I would be, I'd have to do a blog about it. I have to do a phase of, oh, it's up the victim. You know, he didn't have any of that. He's so, it's like he got out of prison. I mean, he's never been happier in his life. He's like Andrew DeFrame and driving down the Pacific. Yeah. Say what to know. Makes you realize how good you got it. I know we got to wrap up. You know, sometimes like, ah, I can't give the kid a bath. Here we go. That'll take 30 minutes. Yeah, fishy. Yeah, sink the boats. I got it. But then I was like, I love the bath. I can't wait to get back at the tub. I love you. I'll be at any time. I'll clean your ass. Whatever you want. So we got a good makes you realize it and lost a day of day of our lives, but good health system. We got here. And your mother lied to you. So that's good. That's true. That's true. Yeah, it might be nice. Sorry, everybody. Where are you going to be? Yeah. Where are we going to be? I don't know. I don't even know what fucking day it is. Two weeks. I know. But what day is that? I don't know. Let's think of October 5th. All right. Well, side splinters was great. I got filly. Fill it out for your helium coming up October 22nd through the 24th. Fill that out. That's exciting. Well, I didn't see him leave. I didn't see him leave either, but they're leaving. Yeah. Maybe that's new. Anyway, fill it out for your helium and fuck, I don't know where else I'm going to be. Oh, Raleigh, North Carolina. That's coming up. Good nights. The special. I'm going to shoot the special in Madison, Wisconsin, January 20th, 24th. That's very exciting. Let me look at my day. I'm a fucking idiot. I'm seeing you guys that did the last time, Derek and Willie. Oh, nice. Oh, fuck, tour dates. Hold on. Hold on. My phone's not working. Everyone's already turned this off. Anyways, who gives a shit? Good nights in Raleigh. Oh, the port in Baltimore. November 19th to the 25th. That's a fun room. That's a fun room. I'm excited to do that one. And then rumors. I'm coming back to Winnipeg, January 40th. Got my January. I got fucking rumor. Winnipeg, Madison, Kansas City. That's going to be cold. So go do that and then go to punch up and join our Patreon. We're just doing some hot stuff and we got some exclusive stuff coming up right now. We just shot it. It's exciting. I got Joe's threesome video is on there. Oh, that's on there. Oh, yeah. The ice to threesome video is up on there and the deer, the fucking bloody it up, shot deer will be in there. Trigger will be in there. Oh, yeah. We'll put the baby kids and cages. I got him in there. We'll put the blurred versions of the deer pictures on the episode. We'll put the uncensored on the Patreon. There you go. Nice. That'll get them. Yeah. I'm in Portland, Oregon and also San Jose, boy, that needs some help. Couple shows there. Then I'm at Atlantic City in Charleston doing some theater down in South Carolina. That Palazzo in Vegas, the Rico Palazzo, Charlotte Fuddy Bo, Charlotte Comedy Zone in Charlotte and Verona, New York turning stone casino and Foxwoods casino in Connecticut. What do you got? Chucky cheese. Check out my podcast, fun, bearable, and if you're a tell them Steve Dave fan, check out the Patreon because we, I host a new show on there called questions and answers. And you guys will know what that's a reference to, but yeah, check it out patreon.com/TSD. Hey. Hey. GPS. Chuck the Rangeman Syndrome. David St. Muckles, the on-held. Great for the baby, great for the need. No one wants to be themselves. On the hands where magic's right. On the hands where magic's right.