#675 Turban Cowboy

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hitter in the face of the surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah this Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey folks here we are the son of Shiden we're back I got a short haircut they look like in the army now it looks nice it's a little tight and high it's coming together I mean you got that wacky old bowl they're starting to get covered finally starting to cover up your little nipple there your head nip my kid will just hit the doorbell yeah yeah it's funky the the the head nipples we got a great show the head nipples are here yeah they suck but they're lactating but yeah look it's time to look good you look human again oh thank you it's coming in it was ugly I was quit for a minute but yeah it's a big hat I had big hat big hat yes yes it's a big coat September I say it every year all year ever since I was a boy because I went to the New York film Academy as you did sure 2003 and I was here September 03 and every single day 74 and sunny 77 and sunny and this year September started with a bunch of rain it was like Ray I was like this is not the deal no deal but now we're back it's September September to remember yes I love September every year in New York except for the one this is great that was bad it's gorgeous had the 25th anniversary nine weeks ago yep or a week ago whatever it was yeah yeah and now I talked about this on the reg so I don't want to belabor but you know you might actually listen and respond properly belabor day I listened to and I'm sure you've listened to this before maybe you have maybe haven't I listened to the full Howard Stern 9/11 wow that he have horse he was talking about pale Anderson before and then Pamerson was dating your boy Kid Rock at the time is that right and one of his guys like does on the fly interview with Kid Rock and Pamela and they're like coming on the show whatever and then Stern is talking about how he's kissed or made out with Pamela and they're like why didn't you fucker you fucking homo and he's like she wasn't into me Stern hooked up with Pamela he kissed her and I struck like we're all hanging out at a titty bar wow she really stooped down I know her up he's like seven nights that's true he looks like a scarecrow so can I say this this is controversial but this will get the algorithm going get it cooking never really got Pam Anderson well the Azmean belief had a nice face well she didn't age well Kelly Kupowski I just don't have his face I wasn't into and I'm not into huge tits sure so I didn't really get it when she was at the height of Baywatch I was like nine or whatever right yeah that's hot but I think with Pam Anderson she was like a cartoon character of a lady you know big tits big lips blonde hair you know skinny so I think that's what it was it was just like it's like fucking a blow up doll right a person it's like Nicole Smith or whatever they're all just it's kind of like the rock is a cartoon of a guy right you know she's that version and so I said when you're 14 you're like tits blonde hair you know but you know what she's the hottest is the LeBette blue well I don't know the bad I know home improvement on the boots same Jenna same generation yeah Jenna Jameson yeah also big titted blonde like like Jennifer Anderson Courtney Cox early friends with so much hotter than Pam Anderson to me sure well Pam and just ooze sex horse gank puss right daughter naughty talk now don't get me wrong I would have happily had sex Pam Anderson then or now of course woman or man yeah but I think it was just like hey this this lady is down but the LeBette blue balls those years when she was the hottest because she was normal looking do I get a look at that check yeah that's blue Pam Anderson she got discovered at a at a football game a Canadian football oh she Canadian I believe so that's right yeah she's a big conuck I think she was very upset with Mr. Sasha Baron Cohen after Borat what happened I didn't tell her they were gonna bag put a bag on her head and like that color that's what I read I don't remember that scene yeah the very end because he goes to kidnap that's his whole mission is to meet Pam Anderson and she's doing a book signing and she was in on the joke but I don't think they evidently explained to her like we're gonna put a second you had and run through the thing or something I get that's what I heard the old is really shakedown what about a home improvement that brought that up yeah don't you think it's like kind of the same as the LeBette blue thing or let me say just say a generation what's my said oh that is pre that is pre that's what you got discovered good to be 11 there 911 is crazy yeah holy shit see I met this is 89 oh way before I said let me know she have a hymen look at this it's tool time because I'm I gotta match it in my back yeah do a little math in case we have to cut this out yeah she's 11 12 years old there right right right before 71 wow somebody got a math like a calculator for Epstein's Island we got a great show pedo math is here haha by the way who had the great tweet kid rock that's what I call Epstein's island oh that's very good come on it was right there that's good stuff yeah what year was she born seventy six seventy sixty seven oh she's like twenty three there sixty seven Chevy that's great nine sixty seven um anyways so that's what they're talking about on the stern and here's what's so crazy about this stern nine eleven because I've consumed I'm a nine eleven head you know I moved to the neighborhood oh my god I read the whole commission I mean I'm in there watch the Regis and Kathy Lee I've watched every doc the best one is on Hulu it's a Nat Geo it's called one day in America it's fucking crazy by the way 911 head is what I call a turban folks hey hey turban round round has turban cowboy um that's good hey that's that better than you got turban cowboy that's a sketch um anyway so the stern thing I've never listened to it it's quite a document because it's the only real-time fucking unwinding of the of the 911 day and he's in the city yes and it's like regular guys they're like we got to bomb these fucking towel heads holy shit and Robin you gotta hear it she's like she's like flatten this fucking every country every brown country they got a suck on Dix we got to bomb these people missiles up the ass stop letting them in our country shut down the country I gotta watch this it's really crazy it's all audio but I didn't find the video maybe exist somewhere but I don't think they were doing like it wasn't like the TV show version I think there's probably some video but whatever yeah but it's it's interesting to hear because normally what you hear is Peter Jennings we just film in being like oh brother this is this is really something this is that's devastating but this is like holy shit and he's taking calls wow he's like the camis on the roof he's like I'm on my roof right now I'm looking at it and then all the misinformation's fascinating like there's a third plane hit there's a bomb at the Capitol and they're like I guess it's not a bomb at the Capitol and they're like that we're under attack that's all there is do it it's a fascinating look and then they're still cracking jokes early on because they don't realize and there's one guy I never listened to Stern so there's characters I don't know but it's a some guy named Vinnie and he's like they're like you can't leave the city the everything shut down he's like I mean I can do the show tomorrow but the guy in the middle of it's like hey I guess I'm stuck here I guess I might as well be on the show I can do it tomorrow but well he makes a joke it's someone's like stop making jokes and someone else is like well he's got a this is only an episode of the show he's got to try to and you could feel like as a comedian being like was my one shot I got a right right let me throw some stuff out there I can host I can feature whatever you need I'll still merge but it's really fascinating and this is the other realization I had I never listened to Stern I listened to him now his interviews great interviews but people are like I'm listening to it being like wow we really just stole his thing we did it's like well just we all the podcast oh sure well that's his argument too it's like five guys being like you wouldn't fuck her I'm fuck her I need her pussy from behind you fucking home oh and I'm like oh Jesus Christ this guy's doing us 25 years ago oh an A stole it first and then we stole from them yeah but oh and A and Stern hated each other that was the big beef and then Stern hated Ari yeah well Jew on Jew crime I mean Ari one of my dear dear friends but easy to hate what he talking about with Stern's I mean it's just ridiculous like the guy created a whole thing sure we're all doing and then Stern was out of touch on that too he said he sounded a little silly like go to broadcasting school and Ari's like what he's like talking to a microphone starting a small market and working way up oh that's it so it was silly and podcast are real but it was also crazy that Ari was like fuck him he's an old idiot right that's all you like he's a legend okay well so is Lenny Bruce and George Garland but yeah you know exactly kind of doing that also Stern maybe the first guy and I couldn't be wrong in this but maybe the first guy to fuck with interns of the randos the office people he'd bring them in and be like what do you think it it was radio is the biggest radio show so some nerd would come in from Long Island who works in accounting and he's He's like, "Mr. Stern, I just think the bills are gonna win this year." And they're like, "Ahh, shut up." They threw a pie at him. And that was a great radio. And he's doing four hours a day, every day. Yes. Are we doing an hour a week? I'm like, I got nothing. I know. I'm out of things to say. At five in the morning, by the way, and Celebrity's coming in and then he'd bring a hooker in and be like, "All right, let's get a Rob who delivers the sodas. He's back in the vetting machine right now. Rob, get in here. You take a blowjob from this crack core." And he's like, "You're gonna near him right now, Will." And he's just driving to work on, "Wow, this is great TV." Well, I guess what helps is I am. Sometimes I'm like, he does four hours, 20 hours a week. We're only doing an hour, but I'm like, they take calls, they have characters, they have a few people, they decide person, and the fans come in, interviews, yeah. So that, I think, helps. It would be fun to have like eight people go in and be like, "Let's go to Chuck, we'll go to him." Then there was Fred and there was Jackie. Jackie is a little hardy later. And then, you know, Arty thing was crazy. Norm brought him in. It's like, I was a friend of mine. He's really funny. And then Howard Stern's like, "I like this guy." - Wow. - You want to work here? It was just like that. It changes whole life. - I've listened to some of the, that's the start I've listened to is when they get in the big, this big, big blowout fights with Arty, and they get in the big crazy fight. And Arty's like on Coke, I think. - Erwin. - Erwin. - Yeah, yeah, he's all fucked up. - He's nodding off and they're like, look, he's nodding off. I mean, this is on radio. He was, you know, you see Tim Dillon has like a thing with Airbnb and then he makes it a whole month long content. - Yeah. - Stern started that. You know, he's like, this guy's on heroin. Let's fuck with him. Now, we get the heroin segment. - Right. - You know? And you've ever seen the Andrew Dice clay already laying up? - No. - I've seen very little. I mean, I watched the TV show in E a little bit. That was condensed to a half hour. - Now, maybe you can help me with this. This is a genuine question. We'll get into some more story things. - Sure. - Everyone, is this just politics and people don't like change? Everyone's like, Stern sold out. He sucks now. He's a fucking asshole. - Yeah, he did. - But, isn't he also like, 75 years old and went to therapy and the meat to move in half? 'Cause I listen to interviews. And to me, I'm like, this guy's just a tremendous interview. Is it because he doesn't talk about eating women out anymore? Something, what is it exactly that people are so upset about? Or just that he hates Trump? 'Cause he hated Bush and O4 over that. I don't think it's the Trump thing, but you gotta realize his audience was a bunch of male, MOOC, Long Island, Jersey, Bridge and Tunnel, like that was his audience. And it was all sex, hookers, misogyny, dirty jokes, he's bringing homeless guys, he had a character called, like Ed the retard or something like that. It's all just whack-pack lunatics. And then one day on a dime, he was like, this is misogynist, we can't talk like that. We gotta change our ways. And I think it's one of those things like the guy did blackface, the guy did N word, the guy did everything. And then one day, he's like, this kind of language is unacceptable, this is inappropriate. So you cultivate this crazy army of nutty guys who like that kind of humor. And then you go, this is inappropriate. Next day, it's a little jarring. Yeah, I see. Howard Stern did some really shitty stuff. That's true. When he was like, feuding with Mancow, like he made Mancow's dad's prostate cancer, like a running bit on that. Yeah, he would do shit. And he urged all his fans to go to the funeral and set the funeral on when I stopped. It's fucking insane. Yeah, yeah, it's a bit of a crazy stuff. Yeah, nuts. But see, all that stuff starts bubbling up with the internet. And he's like, maybe I'll evolve, you know? So it feels like what do you call that overcompensation? I say, I say. Well, the guy interviews, he says in other words, he's still talented. 50 times an interview. That's his go-to, really? He says the thing, and he says, in other words, like when he asked the question, I'd never notice that. It's at least 10 times an episode. I would say every question. Why? Because when you write a song, what are you thinking about? In other words, what are you saying? It's every single, if someone's a autistic person, go listen to the last five interviews, he's got, because I've probably only listened to, I've listened to like two Seinfeld interviews, a Pearl Jam interview, and any veteran interview, both Springsteen interviews, a Paul McCartney, maybe two Paul McCartney's, maybe a couple norms, a Colin Quinn. Right. And there's a bunch of, he says in other words, in other words, in other words, like his book should be called in other words. I never know it, I've listened a million hours, I never noticed that. Check it out. I will check it out. He would get stuff out of people. You know, he'd be like, who are you fucking? I heard you fucking an El McPherson, they're like, what are you talking about? But somehow, they would crack. He's very calming. I think it's because it was at 6 a.m., somebody's a little wonky, you got the headset, which is a genius move in broadcasting, 'cause you're not like, I'm on a show holding a mic. You're on a couch with a headset and it's dark. So you just kind of are unloaded in there, not realizing eight million people are listening to their commute to their shitty job. Right. And then he had a great Bill Murray interview. Nobody could crack Bill Murray. He got him. He would get Seinfeld to be like, yeah, the 17 year old. He had great tips. What do you want for me? You know, stuff like that. So he was the king. I mean, he went full queasy, but he's still like brilliant interviewer. So now he's down to one week, one day live a week, which just started this week, like then the last few days. Yeah, yeah, and he still gets paid $8 trillion a second. Well, I think he's keeping all of us afloat, 'cause he keeps serious afloat, which gets all of our comedy albums. Hell yeah, thank you. Thank you, Howard. Yeah. But I just never, when I was a boy, I wanted music even in the morning. I never had a morning guy. I was like, give me the tunes. And now it's funny 'cause now it's hard for me to imagine like listening to Alice and Chains at 9/30 in the morning. I know. I'm like, give me a podcast. But for most of my youth, I was like, I want to rock. I remember being like, I want to hear some asshole talking. Wow, I was the same way. What would change? Is music isn't stimulating? 'Cause I'm gonna say, I used to go Pandora all day in my headphones. Well, now it's all fun. Now it's talking. You know, now it's like, oh, this is comedy. It's more, it makes sense. 'Cause I think sometimes music, I'm like, I start bouncing to the music or whatever. I don't know. You just, I get more dialogue. Yeah, I do too. I'm with you. I used to be all, I would go oldies. Big oldies guy. Love me Tinder, love me blue, or some fucking Sam Cook. But yeah, last thing I'll say about the Arty Lang, he gets dice on. So dice was the biggest. Arty Lang love, I mean, they all love dice. Howard Stern, Arty Lang dice starts fizzling. And he goes, hey, who's this Arty Lang guy? He's funny on, on Stern, you want to open for me? Whoa, that had a sequel. That was two, yeah. So dice, you could tell he's his wheels of turn. And he's like, my tickets are dwindling. Let me get this fat guy who's on the biggest show in the world to open for me. So I'll get all his audience. Maybe they'll have me on the show 'cause I'm work with Arty. So dice pays him horribly. So now the tables of turn where Arty realizes, like, hey, I'm bigger than you now. And you never paid me. And he talks about it on the show. He's like, dice isn't paying me. This fucking cheap piece of shit. And then dice calls in. He's like, how dare you, you know the whole dice thing? How dare you? I let you open for me a legend. You're a nobody over me. And then Arty flips and he's like, I'm a nobody. You want me to open 'cause you want my audience. I know what you're doing. So he comes clean and dice is like, I can't believe I'm being talked to you like this. It's fucking fascinating. The power structure, power. Struggle. The power dynamic. It flipped, Jerry. It flipped, Fetty. Once again, power dynamics. Thank you. Oh, d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d. It's all pipes. Yeah, I remember I went out a little stir and wrapped up with the Arty fight thing when he was getting kicked off the show or a heroin blah blah blah. So what years were that show was off? 80s and when did it go national? Late 90s, mid 90s? I think mid 90s to late to early Thou. Interesting. Interesting. 'Cause I was watching it in high school on that e-show. Yeah, you, yeah, start in '82. Right. That was long Island. Yeah, that was long Island. Right. Then he went to Boston. Yeah. That's even pretty. The channel nine show was 90 to 92. Okay. And Howard Stern on the air/e-show, '94 to 2000. There we go. Right. That's the one that was like airing. And what was he like syndicated six to 10 a.m. at WBCN and then everywhere? That was. WNBC. I looked at when was Howard Stern syndicated. Yeah. Yeah. I guess we could do this another time. But you could jerk off to that e-show. I mean, he had strippers on hookers on all kinds of stuff. The Houston 500, this one bang 500 guys that they just found in Brooklyn and Manhattan and long Island. It's insane. For some reason, when I was young, I just thought Stern was like weird and off put it because he did the fart man. I've never been like, what is this? Oh, yeah, that was gross. I was like, I hate this. I like a lesser talk about these fart guys. It's a, it's. It's low. What is his bare ass? It was like his diply bare ass and it was like a weird superhero thing and I didn't really get it. And he's like, I'm the king and then he was in a dress in the book and I was like, what is this guy? King of all media too. It's like all media. Yeah. Yeah. What are we talking here? Classical music? Well, I guess he wrote the book and radio. I don't know. I just didn't know. I guess that was going there. TV radio movie. All right. All right. Do you have any stern people in my life? I figured East Coast was all stern all day because I was watching down in the old Louisiana. Right. Well, I went put it on TV, whatever. But then radio, yeah, I listened to, I actually didn't have like radio in the morning because I was a boy. Like, I would just go to school like, sure, I guess we had sports radio on W.E.I. Okay. Okay. But you see the video that went viral, the guy doing a mockery of sport or baseball radio. No. Oh, I got to send you this. It's a guy in his car is going wow. Now I'm the third, 14 for a line, right? You know, but it's just noises. It's not actual words. And it sounds, you got to pull that up for him. Chuck, if you can send it my way, send everything my way. It's gold. It's gold, Terry. Hi folks. Is your dick dead in the bedroom? Bluetooth gold is a mad scientist that'll bring it back to life. Bluetooth gold is better sex in a tablet, a tiny little tablet. All you do is it's got four powerful ingredients to getting you ready physically, plus two supporting a rousal in the brain. Bluetooth gold works fast, and it lasts. So you can be the one going bump in the night. What? I love Bluetooth gold. This stuff is great. I used to have silver, silver's crap. Gold is the best. It comes in a discrete package. They send it to you. You're right in. I've been having sex with the same one for a long time. I'm a middle-aged man now. I'm halfway to 90 almost. I guess 88. Whatever. It doesn't matter. You put it in. It takes two seconds. You take a drink. You drink a glass of water. You're going to feel better. You're going to feel more confident. You're going to feel more pleasure. It fucking rules. There's a reason that Bluetooth was the number one brand for better sex experience at yourself at Bluetooth.com. We've got a special deal for Tuesdays with Stories fans. Right now when you buy two months of Bluetooth gold, you get the third month for free with promo code Tuesdays. That's promo code Tuesdays. You will also receive an additional 10% off and free overnight shipping on your first order. Visit Bluetooth.com for more details and important safety information. Thank you, Bluetooth, for sponsoring our podcast and our bedrooms. Hey folks, episode brought you by Zack Doc. Seeing a doctor is important. I just did it. So stop putting it off. Zack Doc helps you skip the line and makes it easy to get the care you need. Zack Doc is a free app and website that lets you search and compare local in network doctors with open appointments. No waiting on the phone. Just click to instantly book an appointment. Look, I just got back with the doc with the boy. It's hell on earth. Doctors are all wacky. The hospital sucks. It's Brooklyn. There's crazy people everywhere. Get this in your hands with Zack Doc. Make appointment. They happen fast. Usually within one to three days of booking, but you can score same day appointment. Zack Doc has more than 150,000 providers within 200 plus specialties across the US 50 states with patient reviews and delay detailed doctor profiles to help you pick the right one. Your health matters and taking care of yourself shouldn't be complicated. Find and book the right doctor with Zack Doc. Head to Zack Doc. Doc. Slash Tuesdays to get started and check that appointment off. You're to do list. Got Z O C D O C dot com. Slash Tuesdays. Zack Doc dot com. Slash Tuesdays. Tuesdays. Sheath baby. I love sheath. Look at that heads up. Mark's wearing sheath. I'm wearing sheath. Just assume. I love sheath. Sheath underwear the best underwear I've ever had in my life. It's got a separate pouch for your dick, separate pouch for your balls. It was invented by Robert. Patton. You S army veteran. Fought. I rack fought in Afghanistan. And that's where he learned. Hey, my dick and balls are a big munchy mush of garbage and shit invented underwear. This guy's fighting an award and venting underwear at the same time. Hey, good for you, Robbie. It's all I wear. I've been talking about this for years. It feels nice when you pull your dick out of that sheath. It's like goes in there and just slips out slides out. I mean, no, you got to feel it to believe it. That's the key. Go to sheath.com. And use promo code two's gaze. Yes, 20% off. That's good. Sheath even offers a first pair guarantee. So if it's not for you, you get your money back. I cannot imagine that's going to happen. No, you're going to love it. Once you try sheath, there's no going back. That's sheath. S H E A T H dot com slash two's gaze use code two is 20% off. Sheath underwear, the underwear of legends. Thank you to sheath for sponsoring the show. And thanks for giving us the best underwear we've ever had. You got that's all I wear. I love sheath. I love Robert. God, but he All right. We got to get into the show. We did have our own how we well, you know, it's interesting. You know, I know it's a story. I will. Oh, so this leads to a store. Okay, great. Sort of. So I was listening to the 9/11 Stern. Yes. The deep dive 25th anniversary. And I live at 9/11 right now. You know, I live you're in ground zero. So I'm listening to the Stern. It's like a two and a half hour thing. I'm listening. He went long. He stopped doing commercials. He just stayed on the air. So I'm listening to it. So I'm like, I'll walk around the World Trade Center and listen to it. So I'm there. So they're talking. It's fascinating to be there. Yes. With the headphones in the what they called again, air pod. No, the other thing, the sponsor. Ray, I got a Raycon here up there on the shield. I got the Raycon. It's a lot of dust. I got the Raycons in. I'm listening to the Stern. And I'm I'm standing there. They're like, look at this. It's falling. It's crumbling. And I'm standing in the spot. Yeah. So, you know, and I'm getting, you know, gay and emotional and imagine this. Imagine that. This guy. You know, these guys. I think they come from this area. They just sell boxes of fruit snacks. Yes. Yes. And they like fruit snack and they get new shit. Sure. So this guy doing that in the World Trade Center. So I'm annoyed because this is a sacred area. Yes. Yes. People 3000 people perished here in a fire. Yes. Sacred go firemen cops. The whole thing. The brother. So the guys doing it. And I'm listening. I'm getting emo. I'm gay. And this says, yeah, I'm an American. God, six. You got there right, Freddie. Bald Eagles, gay sex sports. I love America. Yeah. And the guy says walking to me. So I gave him one of these. I just did like a, hey, man, all set. Not today, Johnson. And I got how it's turned 25 years ago here. And the guy goes, we fucking nuts. You fucking hand out of my face. Motherfucker. Mama, domestic terrorist. You know what I did? I just, I just ignored like a fly. I just, I looked and went like this and I walked over to the, the praying fountain or whatever you call an antus. Yeah, the praying mantis and sat there. And I was like, I'm not giving this guy the time of day. But there's also the same moment. I'm like, is he coming? Yeah. I'm kind of like doing this thing. But it was scary. But also, I'm like, I thought I was doing like it wasn't like I was here. I was, he was like, what Chuck is? And I was doing this. It's nothing. What are you Darth Vader? Well, I was just one of those things of like, I'm not a tourist. I know what I know. I'm not interested. I don't want a fruit snack. I don't want to have a conversation about fruit snacks. I like it. I thought it was like, I'm setting boundaries. I'm setting boundaries. But also, I thought it was like saving them time. Ah, I don't don't even bother. I'm not interested. And this guy took it like, fuck you, motherfucker. You fucking, what are you nuts? Yeah. And I was like, my hands aren't your face. It's, it's over here. Iron man. But I'll see you wish. I wish I was like one of these black belt. I know. What do you guys like? Well, I could like sweep the leg and like crank his arm. I think we all the time. Because you're like, get on it. Go to Times Square. Yeah. What do you do in your square? Yes. Go to hell. I don't know. Go anywhere. Yeah. This is. Right. Oh, this is payback last week. That was something else. That was a, I could bend, I could melt steel on a skyscraper. But anyway, no juice in my asshole. I could feel him be like, fuck you. And I was like, what if I just get beat up at ground zero? Oh, man. Take your fruit snacks elsewhere. I'm trying to listen to how it started and have a moment over here. Yeah. Also, sell little planes or something. You know, like, what do we do with fruit snacks? Some of the adult. I didn't. I didn't care for his vibe or energy. Go to 7 11 with that shit. Yeah. That's who I didn't. 9 11 7 11. Maybe there's some joke there. They work at 7 11. I guess that's Indian people. Yeah, that's a different breed. Maybe a 7 11 guy drives a 9 11. Hey, you know, he's doing well with the, with the stores. Yeah. But then, you know, 9 11, very confusing for a car. That when that, when 9 11 happened, the Porsche company must have been like, this is going to hurt. Yeah, it's like when OJ killed his wife in the orange juice company's like, this is bad. But Bronco sales went through the room. Okay. Everybody's like, get me a Bronco. What about Corona? Coronavirus Corona beers like, ah, you can't, you can't be. You can be called. Modelo. Well, the problem was, it was only Corona for like 15 minutes. COVID. We call it Corona for like a week and a half. Yeah. And I can remember people saying COVID 19 to be like COVID 19. What do you want to ask? Oh, it's Corona. Right. And then within like, four days, it was like, why is it Corona? It's COVID 19. Then it was, it's on the chrono. Like, yeah, I got to get some new friends. All right. Yeah. Yeah. That's the one I had. I'm the crown. There was another one after that. I think it was SARS. I don't know. I can't remember anthrax. Yeah. I can talk about 9 11 for six months. I didn't know you were 9 11 junkies. This is all news to me. I'm a 9 11. I think I think deep in my heart of my asshole. I moved down there to be. Whoa. Right in there. Well, now every video I watch, I'm like, there's Karen's building. There's my building. There's my mom. There's this. Yeah. It's crazy. Well, we really regrouped. I mean, we got the tower. It took a while, but we got the tower. We got the fountain. That big pool, that pool is unbelievable. It's crazy. I saw a video of the janitor cleaning it. He's like this fat guy from Staten Island. He's like, it's an honor. I come here at eight 8 p.m. And I cleaned till 5 a.m. I find crazy shit down here. I love, I love New York City. I'm, I'm happy to clean the pool. Fuck you terrorists. You know, it's a cool video. That's great. And then they got the fountain, they got the tower and then they got the the labia the space station down there. That's the Oculus, the Oculus, and the museum. - And the museum. - And the Bush women. And, yeah. - And they got there. Have you been up there, whether you could overlook the city, and it shows the history of the world trade and the elevator? - Which one, in the Oculus? - No, in the world of the new one, the freedom. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's been up there a couple. We've gone up a few, 'cause it's just there. So when I have a visit, I just pop right up there, yeah. - That's good. - It's pretty great, and my favorite building of all time, I love that building. - Oh really? - Yeah, it's beautiful. - It's a hell of a building, and I think it's taller than the other ones. - Yeah, it's 1,776 feet tall. - How do you like that, huh? - It's pretty good. - The year of our Lord. But, oh, what was I gonna say? And then recently, I was in Portland, Maine, and the hotel where the terrorists stayed the night before is like, right there, it's like, disheveled now or dismissed or dead. - What? - They were in Portland, and they took the Scotiaprints, which I took like the next year on a trip. - Wait a minute, wait. So they started, I never knew that. - They started in Portland, a couple of them. - And then at Atta, I was in Portland, flew to Boston after a layover. - Did a layover then got on a flight to L.A. - Whoa. - And then this hooked it. - Hooked it out of JFK? - Hooked it right over to Logan. - Logan. - Logan. - This did a-- - Wow. - And Betty Ong was the Chinese lady. She was the first one to make the call. That was like the very first thing of like, I am Betty Ong, they stabbed my buddy and they threw mace, and then if you listen to the call, the lady on the other end's like, what is this? - Oh my god. - What? - Who's got mace? - Oh. - Oh. - Some bimbo got stabbed. I don't know what the-- She must feel like such an asshole. - Yes, yes, the Ong goodbye. - 'Cause the whole time she's like, I don't know what you're talking about, dudes. - Shut up. - Shut up. - Yeah, later on they're like, oh, that was crazy. - The Ong show. - And then do you ever watch the firemen? There's a guy shooting a doc about like a battalion later. It's crazy. This guy is like, you've seen it. It's the only footage of the first tower going-- - I have seen that. - I have seen that. And it's like, there's got gas leak and they're checking the gas thing. It's like, when you see the firemen do this, and it's like, (blows raspberry) - I never really thought that was just a mistake. Like a guy was a bad pilot lady or something. - And it's fascinating, eyewitness testimony. 'Cause people, it's why eyewitness isn't reliable in real life. 'Cause people are like, it was a small plane. It wasn't a big jet. - Yep, but it was. Everyone's just like, I don't know. It was an airplane. - Right, it happens. - What are you gonna do? Anyways, I now I'm off on a big rabbit. - Well, that was good stuff, Fanny. 'Cause you did the research, so I'm all ears. - Me, sir, cheers. - And now, 25 years later, we all still hate extremist terrorists. (laughing) - Go birds. - There you go. - But anyway, who, what have you been at? What's going on? Tell me about something. - No, it's gonna go from my mom, Donnie. All right, so yeah, boy, I've been all over. Just did Canada. I had to fly on 9/11 and I was glad I was in the Canadian airfield. 'Cause it's a little safer up there. Canadian geese, yeah, they took down a plane. Didn't they sell these selling burgers? Those fucking geese? - Oh, geese, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ, those geese are, they're terrorists, I guess. - Oh yeah, well, he've been thwarted. I love the word thwarted. - Thwarted is good. It's like farted from the middle ages. - It's like a lisp. - Yes, joe lisp. So, you're using that? - I did Regina. You ever been to Regina? - No, it's not Regina. Uh-oh. (laughing) They would say it wrong. I was like, "Good to be here Regina." And it's somebody threw a banana field at me. So maybe you got something there. - No, where's Regina? That's the Saskatchewan? - That's the Saskatchewan. - You nailed it. - Yeah, yeah. - Right outside of Saskatoon. There's all funny names out there. - Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Regina. I said, "Here we are right in the clip." And they're like, "We've heard every joke. "Don't even try it. "You hack bitch." - Regina, Russy. Oh, no. - I did that one too. It's an Asian. They didn't like any of it, but we had a great time. Casino, two shows, nine hour travel day. You ever do that one? 'Cause you gain two hours over there. That's how far east or west, far west it is. You get, it's right over Idaho. Idaho, you know. So right over Idaho, you gain two hours. Two flights, customs, the whole thing. You finally get there. And you're like, ugh. You know what I do now? I text the wife when I land. 'Cause I go, I left the house at 9 a.m. I said, "Bye to the baby. "I kissed her. "I punched the nanny in the face." And he'd, I'd tell it to a JFK. And the sun's just opened it up. You're like, "I got crushed in your eye. "You finally get there at nine hours later." And I go, "Just landed." And she went, "Jesus." - Where'd you go? - At the same exchange every time. You go, "Yeah, that's what I'm doing, lady. "I'm doing the road." - Yeah, I have the same thing every time. 'Cause when you're home and what someone leaves, they're out of your mental, peripheral, jurisdiction. - Yes, yes. - The radius is clean. So then you go, "Well, I went, she went, she bike, "she made breakfast, she ate, she fucked the kid in the ass, "she went to the gym, she came back, "she jerked off, licked her bean, watched a movie, "a friend called her mother." And then you're like, "I met my layover." And they're like, "What?" Then they went for a swim, they flicked their bean again, they tried to choose, they bought a top, they wore a blouse, and then you're like, "All right, I'll land, it'll be like, what?" - They you get it, Fettie. - And then, oh, man, I got a full soggy underwear. - I want soggy Genesis, my wife, my wife, she doesn't understand time zone, she has no concept. So she'll be like, she'll literally text me like, "How was the show?" And I'm like, "It's 4'30." (laughing) Like, what are you talking about? - Yeah. - I haven't landed yet. - Exactly. - And then she's like, "All right, good night. "How are both shows?" I'm like, "I did one show." I have my second show in two hours, you coups? - I know, it's ridiculous, but you like to stick it to 'em. Like, "Hey, while you're out there eating a lady out, "I am just getting to the airport in Saskatchewan, "now I have to get a car to the gig, check it at the hotel, "and then do two shows." So all that, and then do two hours of comedy with a beaten green. - It wears on me, Jerry, just 'cause I'm on the road every week for like seven weeks or something like that, and the rental car thing, it's so hard. I always say this, you should have a hat or a pair of glasses or a tattoo or a nearing that says, "I've rented 55 cars in the last three hours." - Yes. - So, what brings you to town? My father's an asshole, and I got a bunch of asshole loose. - My father's gay, exactly. - No, I haven't sure. What kind of shit? Geico, and sure, you sure you don't want these shirts? 'Cause, "Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." - You're gonna fill it up, you got collisions. Should we give you, you wanna give our gas? And he pulls out a big shirt with a flap on it. He's like, "This is what our gas is going for these days." And I'm like, "No flap, flap you." Yes, and what's funny about it is, I refuse to not sail, bring it back full, because they fuck you out of the way. - I do the same thing. - 'Cause you never use the whole tank. - Never. - Unless you push it in empty, they're fucking you. - Yeah. - But, I also, then morning, I never wanna go get gas. So I always go, I forgot to fill it, and they just charge you the air straight bucks, but sometimes, I can be quite charming. And I'm a lot of half the times, they're like, "I don't worry about it." 'Cause especially when you get the kid, 'cause you have the kid, you go, "Hey, I know I'm supposed to fill it, but the kid was crying, his asshole fell out of his hat, and my sister's ass has got cream on it, and I'm crying." And then they're like, "Don't worry about it." And you go, "Oh, okay, thank you." 'Cause they's big corporations. - Yes, big gas chamber. - They don't care, it's like $12 or whatever. - I know, I know. - 'Cause it's like, I'm not driving from Mississippi to Montana. I'm driving from the club and back, to Bolay and to Starbucks. - Exactly. So fuck it. Two shows, Regina, and then you go to bed, and you're like, "Ah, then I gotta wake up, "take a Westjet flight to Calgary." - Westjet's not bad. - Westjet's pretty good. That's their best. Air Canada can eat my dad's ass on a Friday. That place stinks. - I think Westjet's a Delta cousin or something like that. - Yeah, Delta adjacent. - There's some incest going on, either way. But you get on that Westjet and you've got the status. So they go, "Oh, you're a Delta Queen." Okay, we got you in '38A. We got you up from '39A, so thank you. So whatever, get to Calgary, do the comedy shop. - Oh yeah. - Is that it? You were just there. The laugh shop. - Laugh shop. - Yeah, you did the laugh shop? - Yeah, I did five shows of laugh shop. 'Cause I'm like, "I'm in Calgary for two days. I gotta get the Winnipeg on Sunday. Let's fill it up in Calgary." - Laugh shop is nice, that's a great place. I went to the, I went and I was like, "I'm not gonna rent the car, I'm gonna save money." I spent four hours in that hotel and I was like, "Get me a car." - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Blackfoot. - Blackfoot, that's it. - Blackfoot, yeah, the hotel's named after some native Canadian. It's Blackfeet motherfucker. - Blackfoot's frostbite, where I come from, or Patrice O'Neil when he lost. - Of the Sheppelbit. - Come down, Blackface. - Blackfeet motherfucker. - Yeah, his spirit's got me chief. - I am an alcohol. - Yeah, great bit. - He's good. - He used to be pretty good. So, do Calgary have a great time? We got a video guy in there. We have a great, we have a guest set. He killed it. A fun time, great club. Then, high-tail it to Winnipeg. - Winnipeg-y. - I love getting pegged, man. This is a great comedy town that got rumors. - I'll be the rumors sometime. - That's a very good room. The only problem with rumors is I was doing it back when you couldn't sell tickets in paper of the room. You show up on Thursday. Long flight. What do we got, boss? How many tickets we sold? He goes, sold out. He goes, sold out. Me? I'm not a draw. He goes, yeah, we got the battered women's group coming in. It's all battered women out there. You're like, what? That's half my act is hitting women. - We got a great show. The battered women are here. - Yeah. - No, I mean, we love Tyler. I'm going there in a few months or weeks or days. I have no idea but good room There was something I was gonna say about Winnipeggy. I lost it fuck Neil Young's from there That jars anything No McDonald love Winnipeg Canada that beautiful women with ugly men. That's what I always take from Winnipeg Fuck me Green room battered women BJ Novak had the great joke battered women sounds delicious That's like a four or five word joke. That's great. That was sitting right there batter. Yes, that's very good beer battered You want all these guys get to the time. I know he had a couple that Novak Fuck what was I gonna say? No back. That's a big breath Winnipeg Tyler Peg me. Oh, I'll think of it later. The Simon peg. It's one of those to be used to be like Tuesday through Sunday Oh, three peg omelette wasn't even worth saying the first club. I say there's every time Winnipeg comes up first club Now it's spreading like a brush fire First club with the digital clock ticking up in the back Fine, which is such an omission every club. We know you can hear us. We know you listen Canada digital clock it starts at zero when the comic gets up there if they go over there a fucking asshole Yeah, now it's shaming them in real time and don't get the shitty clock that has the time of day Okay, 23 plus 50 is nine oh fuck me. Yeah, don't get the radio alarm clock. Yes Don't put it at the feet and don't put it up here put it right back there right back there clock up count up Yeah, I'm with you on that one. It's what it's an $18 you might want you have for 30 years exactly mother ship has it Madison has it a bunch of clubs have it now. You just you got to have it. You got to have it big black clock No, he can son that club comics. They have it and then still give you the light. I'm like why don't you light? Yeah, it's the time the lights like here. It's like The whole room lights up. Yeah, I can see him at 40. It's like those lights are there in the jail when a guy escapes and he's like You know he gets caught in the spotlight like the band of the run cover. Yes Oh, that was a little little aftershock. All right, so tell me about Winnipeg So I did a casino region club club region. Sorry Club Regent Filvin and great club. Now here's the weird thing they do out in the old great white way They go we got this guy here. He's gonna he's gonna set the show up to some housekeeping and then we got your opener I'm like, well, what's he doing? He's gonna do a minute He's just gonna go up and go turn your phones off and I'm like you got a guy out here He's got a green room with his name on it. He drove here. He's got, you know a family kids He has an act, but you have him out here just to do the housekeeping Yeah, hey, why can't the the feature just do that now you're paying this guy or I'll pay him somebody's paying him But he came here he parked his car he used gasoline to go all right guys don't heckle phones aren't allowed next week We got Chris Katan and Stormy Daniels or whatever and you're like I just told the guy like well This is pointless. He's gonna do some time and they're like wow you know, they you break protocol. They're all confused I'm like if he's here. He's doing time and they're like well, we have an opener for you I'm like, so but why so the opener does 20 he does a minute now we got a guy doing a minute and 20 Yeah, one of these guys can do the other guys job exactly this is how you get the announcements in the 20 of this the 20 guy Can do the announcements in the 20 exactly so now they're confused like whoa Whoa, we got the itinerary here. This is how we like to do it. I'm like I don't want to now. I'm a demon now I'm difficult because I just feel too bad this guy He's a comedian let him be a comedian. He's you know my dad can go up and go Hey, don't heckle. We'll throw you out. You know, whatever not so sure about that. That's true. He's alright. Yeah, that's good point He's he's a indigent So uh, so I'm like he's doing time. They're like well, it's gonna have to come off of you or the feature and I said well Let's come it off the feature and so the feature with maybe was missed But the guy went up and did some time and he was thrilled. Oh, that's great. He gave me a nice link. Thanks for that Jesus Christ I don't know what I'm doing here. So he took a bunch of gay photos after I had the hat on by the way the heckles I'm getting with his hat. Yeah, it's just like nice hair bitch. Who does your hair plug a plug a butt plug plug it up You know plug it for the for the man. Whatever it is plug the drain 40 degrees of the starboard science of Spanish Kelly It's all hair plugs. It's all pipes. It's all plugs. Whatever. I'm getting all kinds of stuff. Which is fun You know one point and Coward did a chant take off the hat take off the hat I'm not taking the hat off. It's it looks too bad and then and I've just made it worse and I think a guy snatched my hat on the way off stage whatever but hat snatches here Sorry, let me just write something. Oh, so then I flew home Here's the clinker click me and an air can of the flight out of Winnipeg connecting and Detroit going to LaGuardia 8.30 flight and I said all right after all that when do I get home 3.30 damn it's a long travel day. Could you lose it now you lose an hour too West east six and I go yeah here Canada so I go yeah, hey, hey manager Pull up some rods and cones here. See if there's another flight earlier. I'll get home earlier. I'll just get the fuck out and he goes there's a delta flight All your friends are two first. Yeah, two for Tuesday. Yeah, I keep saying it's over that more comes out That sounded like the beginning of Beastie boy As monkey. Yeah, as monkey. So I go tell me any goes I found a delta flight your air can of flight was 400 this delta flights 900 you leave it 6.30 in the morning You get home at one and I was like, oh It's an early flight you lose the sleep you lose in money you're getting home a little earlier. Yeah and customs So you got to get there really early. It's an international flight So I was like, ah, that means I got to be there like five Get up at four leave it for 30 whatever And it's more money Ah, who am I? Jokoi who am I fluffy? I can't be spending a double the price All right, fuck it just to be able to keep an eye on it Maybe it'll drop over the next few days because it's it's Friday at this point So it goes all right. I'll keep an eye on it. So Saturday I check it. How's that flight looking? He goes same price Then eventually I go how's that flight looking later the same price And eventually my manager just calls me and goes hey Take the delta flight you can afford it you're an adult you'll get home earlier It's going to suck to wake up you'll get home earlier and it's delta you'll get the lounge You'll get bumped up probably and I go yeah, but I'm spending double the price he goes. I'll get a refund from here can Just be a grown-up and get the delta flight and I was like delta Yeah, there you go That's a stretch. I liked it. And he go and I go all right. You know what fucking you're right Get my ass up for 30 in the morning Make it to the airport get right through you don't know how notification Air Canada Canceled Little live lesson for your kids I don't know what the lesson is but I made a decision. I spent the money and it paid off the good decision. It was a good decision I see the other flight I can't say you would have been fucked exactly And you wouldn't end up on that flight anyway, but you wouldn't miss it because it was too early Exactly. You wouldn't have to take a more expensive later flight Yeah, you're getting it daddy. Take the chance go for it. I went for it. I got home early Whoo, he took a little nappy poo on the plane to Gazanex and Conked out at a middle seat Also, I feel like this one Going through a security Do the bag, the bag, the bag, you know Hey, I'm a belt off. I had off and I went over the whole thing you do the X-ray You do the thing when you get to the other side your shoes are off your hairs fucked up You hate yourself and you're waiting there for your bag with everybody like an idiot and then your bag. It's that red light I think uh-oh and you're just praying to God like just keep it coming don't flop over to that other side Yes, I hate the flop over I got flopped over You're like, God damn it. All right. All right. Okay. Okay. Well, I got 10 minutes to spare How long is this gonna take and then you look this six bags ahead of you and then you go down to the lady And she's ruffling through some other bag and there's just one lady. So you're like, oh boy Now there's two TVs where they look through your bag. You know, they got that X-ray bullshit There's there's a glitch on one of the extra so there's four people looking at this one TV trying to figure it out And then there's one lady working so The clock's ticking so I just go up and I go At least we got four people on this TV they got six bags logged up there and uh Clock's ticking right and they're like, sir, sir. We're doing something here And I'm like, do we need one guy just in the back going like this, you know, he can't even see the TV So uh see Peter eventually I'm like, hey, I might I'm probably gonna miss my flight here Just say everyone and it's early so you're cranky and you're like it's my bag. I brought this bag Nothing in the bag, fuck off. So then finally they get to my bag after they do all five of them before mine They get to my bag and I go, what is it? What is it? I fly all the time. What snagged yet? And she goes just take it All that for nothing It's because it's it's all because one dick smooch and asshole Eleven new guy and he sees a parachap stick or a fingernail asshole Tag and goes, oh, we got to get this. I mean, I told you I had one where the guys like whoa, whoa, whoa Flamethrower lighter whatever it's called lighter lighter and I was like, oh yeah, he's like you can't have this So you know, I have not touched that lighter in three years. Exactly. It has lived in this suitcase. Yes, secret pouch, I didn't even know about. And I have flown 875,000 miles. So you take it, but don't give me some, excuse me, sir, where do you think you're going with this? I'm like, that thing is from the Johnson administration. He's a singing sister. I'm like, so you fucked up. All the TSA fucked up until now, apparently. 4,000 people let that lighter go. Exactly. One of the most attractive people I've ever seen in my life, just walked by. It was really stunning. Rupert. Nope. Okay, let's still see him. That's true. My water would be rippling. Well, I'm glad you made it home. You made it. No, you made it. But yeah, it was a long, long journey. I mean, the FaceTime dad on those weekends miss the boys so much. And then it's funny, because I'm like, my boy, I'm looking at photos of him. I'm like, he's growing up. But I'm away. I'm a distant father. I think in text of wife, she's like, I'm about to kill this kid. He's driving crazy. So it's these two complete 180s. Then she finally got some time. So she were FaceTime. He's in the tub. He's swimming at the tub. He's playing with the toys. (screams) She's right, George. Tub is big. Tub is big. I love his tub. What's that? That's the biggest tub. I mean, if someone got a guy, Tub is shit. Oh, yeah. Tub is big. When we were kids. Tub was big. It was tub. Tub a lot. She's a tubber. Yeah. I don't know. Tubberware. Tub is out. I guess it's not as much fat shaming now. Well, there isn't our circles. I'll tell you that. We got that right. A lot of circles around us. Well, how about this? Let me tell you this quick story. Please. It's not that quick. I don't know. It's relatively quick. Sorry. I hugged. No, no hug. So I'm in. Wow, dogs. Royal Oak. Ah, good club. Mark Johnson. Mark Ridley. Ridley. Credit it with inventing the three-person show. The three-man show. I've heard that. Shout out, Mark Ridley. So this man, for 20 years, we have a text relationship. He books me every year. They pay me well. I'm so grateful. Never seen him in my life. Wow. Is that weird? I've met him once. I've never seen him. But he guy. That's what everyone says. So anyways, do the club. Royal Oak Michigan. You go out there. Again, like the 15th year in a row in the same small town, same hotel, same everything. You go out there. It's a great show. And the Tigers are playing. Tigers. Colorado Rockies. Saturday. And I go. I go, hey, we'll check on the game. That'd be fun. Something to do on the road. But it didn't hurt tickets. No, no. These people, they suck. Tigers suck. Okay. Tigers suck. And now they care. And then they play fucking 81 home games in September. No big deal. They're great. So I go, all right, we'll go check out the Tigers game. And you have that thing. I don't know if you have this with your openers on the road. You're like, Saturday, you wake up, you're like, we could go to the movies. Yep. We go to the baseball game. We gotta go game. Or we could go there. Or we could work out. Or we could just have you have that thing. And you're like, it's nice out at the ballpark, boob, boob, boob, boob. Side to go to the ballpark. Go to the stub hub. One of my favorite things to do is to go through every seat. Where do I want to sit? Up top. Down low. Save a few bucks. Isle. Outfield. Get your foul ball. Maybe we'll sit behind home plate. Maybe we'll get the press ball. Wait, what about it? So I pick out two today. And I'm going back and forth. I keep looking. I can never make a decision. I'm like, maybe this seat. Maybe that seat. Maybe the press will go down. Sit on the flight. Then you're like, third base. First base. Home plate. I got all the rockies dugout. Right. Anyone got all the rockies? Who's pitching this game? Should we get some tobacco? Should we get some bubble gum? Why don't we get an $8 seat? We'll just sit up way at the top. That might be fun. Maybe I'll have to. I can say the end word. Crack a jack. So finally, I pull the trigger. I keep going back home for the three days. I'm like, all right, I'll get these seats. Nice seats. They're about 60 bucks each. But they're like 12th row behind home plate. Because in New York, if you want to sit 12 rows behind home plate, you've got to know Sam Morello. Or you've got to pay 4,000 bucks. It's like a Steinbrunner. But over there, for 80 bucks, you can pitch. Right here. So I get two tickets. And then with all the fees and the bullshit, it comes to like 140 bucks, you're like Jesus Christ. That was more than I wanted to spend. But whatever. Life's a bitch. We got the tickets. I'm like, I'll shoot some content. You know, the people love the sports content. I'm at the game. Look at this. Well, Huttdog, Crack a Jack. Matt's blowing me. Thanks for getting tickets in the game. This is great. Good. Good headliner. Go up there. And here we go, buddy. Baseball time. You know what the fuck? Oh, no. You got hooked. Scan it again. I got what this. Don't worry. I come all the time. Don't worry. And meanwhile, I was just shooting videos. You look at an asshole. Because I'm like, we're live at the Tigers baseball game. Yeah. Buy me some anal and Crack a dildo. And everyone's like, who is this guy? My kids are here. And then I'm like, here we go. That's all pipes. So the guy's like, the old timer. He's worked this since the 70s. He's got a bow tie. And that's where he's going. And then he's going to have a bow tie. That's all pipes. He's got a bow tie. Remember those hats that look like a little cake. Yes. Yes. They did like running for office. He's got one of those hats on. And he's like, sorry, sir. Tickets are no good. And I was like, oh, they're good. Yeah. I sold over a thousand tickets this weekend, my friend. I know tickets. I'm a stub hub guy. I'm a class member. What you go ahead and scan that again. You got stubble. Well, man, this never happened to me. He goes, let me see here. What's going on? What seems to be the problem? Says right here Sunday September 13th. You got Sunday tickets there. Oh, you pulled to me. I bought Sunday tickets. Oh, no. I go, you got to be cocking me. I'm like, how did this happen? I didn't buy Sunday tickets because I went to the Saturday. I've been looking at the Saturday and I keep going back to recently viewed. Yeah. So it says recently viewed. I go, that's me, Saturday, Saturday. Now I'm only here Saturday. Why would I look at Sunday? Right. So now I go, what the fuck? We're already here. I started my content. Now people are walking by and looking. There's the guy with the potty mouth. He can't get in. He's a piece of shit. You're never going to mount to anything. You're sunny boy. You talk like that. Right, right. Clean down with the bar. So, but also this is a good content. Not getting in. It's funnier than getting in. Maybe you're right. So I'm sitting with the heart on. I go, all right. Well, let's go back. Oh, this is appalling. That was a balloon popper. Yeah. Well, there's a water balloon. I felt like you can't do that on television. When they drop the bucket full of shit. Oh, yeah. Well, I've got my thighs are full of slime. So I'm, so I go, I go back to stub hub. And I'm like, all right. Well, we got to go to the game. I guess I'll just buy ticket. And then maybe I can unload the Sunday tickets on one of the comics. Oh, yeah. I don't know what the fuck, but now we're standing here. So I go back. I found great, even better seats. So I'm like, well, we'll get these seats. I buy these. Now I'm like 250 bucks into this game. Yeah. And we're going to leave in the fourth inning. Because we got to get it back from the shows. Ah, boy. See, buy the tickets. And this is where it's nice to be pretty successful. Because in the old days, I just had to be like, we're up. We can't go to the game. We're going home. Yeah. I'm just going to sucks. So buy the tickets. We go to the game. Games fun. Great seats. Whatever, you know, watch the game. Make some videos. Some beautiful stuff. I go home. I go back to the show that night to the club. I start telling people I'm like, hey, I got two tickets for tomorrow. If anyone wants some, well, maybe I'll take my knees. Maybe my aunt can fuck me in the ass. And I go, yeah, I bought tickets the wrong day. I don't know how this happened. I'm a, I'm a ticket guy. I literally make mistakes like this. I'm embarrassed. I want to kill myself. So I go, look, I'm like, how did this happen? Let me go look at the seat. The guys like, where's the seats and how much do you want for them? So I go, look at the seats. I go to the receipt. Email. Saturday. I bought Saturday tickets. Saturday tickets. The ticket owner. He sent me the wrong day's tickets. I didn't fuck up. He fucked up. Whoa. So it's the guy. They all have season tickets. So when they buy season tickets, they go to the games they want and then they sell the rest. Right. So I bought tickets to the Saturday. This cheesehead. He sent me Sunday tickets. So I didn't look once they sent the said your tickets have arrived. So I opened those tickets. I scanned them. But now I've been alleviated. I've been, uh, what's that word? Re-repremanded. Re-abilitated. What's the thing with the verdict? And they re. Reassigned. Yeah. Cross examination. Yes. Come on, chew chew. Is that something? What do you call it? A. A. A. A. A. A. A. Abundance. No. No. Reimbursed. I've seen the light. What's that? Oh. Would you go to jail? They reverse the sentence. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. I think that's maybe it. I don't even know if that's right. I don't know if that's right. I don't think that's it. That's not a reversal. Yeah. That's not it. You're the most fascinating thing about that. I've talked about this many times. O.J.'s another one I'm just obsessed with. It's so crazy. And I read the run of his life. Great book by the guy that jerked off on the TV screen. Whatever. Lately Jeffrey Tuban. Ah, Tuban. But when you get acquitted. You've been in prison the whole time. Or jail. There's no paperwork. I know. You just leave. Isn't that crazy? Wow. Like he cut two people's heads off. He sat on trial for a year and a half. Yeah. Goes back to jail. Can't talk about the thing. He has his lawyers. And then they go. All right. We made a mistake. You're innocent. Everybody else walk right out of it. You just go see a letter. No apology that you hate you. Like a gift card or something. Yeah. You don't have to go back to jail and go. Oh, sorry about that. Or unstep your hands. Yeah. It happens with the guys who go to jail for a murder. And then they go, oh, we were wrong. You're out. And you're like, I wasted 10 years. You got it? I didn't hear any of that because I thought of the word. Oh, sorry. Vindicated. That's it. I'm vindicated. I didn't. Fuck off. I don't make mistakes. What you have over there. Some bullshit. You told me when they reverse the thing, which is not vindicated. Oh. You know what I mean? You've been proven right. You're proven right. You're proven right. You're proven right. reversal of, you know, the reversal. I will say when people go to jail. Yeah. They're wrong. They usually sue. Good. It's very typical to sue. You lost years. I just watched a documentary. And this woman went to jail for four years. And like they just said she was guilty and it was all, like bullshit. There you go. A story, a great story. Isn't that amazing? A killer story. Isn't it amazing? Oh, I don't know. It's amazing, but it's one episode at a time. It's old school. Now I'm just sitting on my dick like an asshole. But that's got to be all there now. No, no, it's once a week. It comes out. Oh, it's you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. I can't wait. Great. T's HBO doesn't because Netflix is cookie cutter. Horse shit. It makes me agree. It's rich. It's fucking so good. Yeah. In Netflix, we got it. Get to it. They just say the same thing over and over on episode one, two, four, nine. Come on. Make it a murder. HBO's still a crumb to the crumb. So I'm vindicated. I'm reversal. And then I didn't fuck up, which feels good. So I sent it to StubHub. And now I'm like, I'm like, this guy's some of the wrong ticket. I had to buy all the tickets. You horse shit. Motherfucker. Fuck you. And they're like, oh, we'll get on this. And I got a refund. Hey, all right, hubby. Pretty good. Good for you, porn hub. So yeah, the bad part was I was like, oh, actually, I don't have tickets for Sunday. I mean, I guess I did have. He sent them. That's what's curious. I'm like, could I have just used the tickets on Sunday? Probably. But I think maybe he must have gotten notified. Once I complained, he probably got notified and got his tickets back or something. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. So it was his mistake. Still got to go to the game and I got my money back. So everything worked out. Everything a little bit of a hassle. You got to do a little bullshit with the company, but not bad. I should sue for my own suffering because for like 10 hours, I was like, you're a bag of shit. You're losing it. You have all simers. Your father hates you. That parts true. It taps into that. They like, I know I'm an idiot. Now you're proven. Yes. You know, and it hurts your feelings and you feel like a retard. Yes, exactly. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Big coat. Once you think you know something, all you do is collect evidence of the thing. Yeah. Yeah. That's why it's got to be tough to be these, these guys who are right about something like the CTE guy. You ever heard of this guy? He's got the accent. He's some black guy from Africa. Oh, I think so. They made a movie about they made a movie with a little Smith. The movie was called concussion. Right. But he was like, I'm telling you NFL ruined your brain. It makes you crazy. That's why they're all beating their wives and killing their dogs and running over kids because they got the CTE and they're all like, shut up. You cook. Football is an American past time. It's like the best sport in the world. Kill yourself 30 years later, proven right? All right. That happens all the time. Hey, Christopher Columbus, the other guy Galileo, the world earth is round. Yeah. You know, he got put in a mental place. Steve Hofstetter, crowd work. Heckl. Everybody's like, what an asshole. Look at this dick face and then everyone's like, I guess I'll do that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm doing both. I invest. But yeah. I agree. I told you, I've been saying this for years. I bumped into him. I've met him one time in my life and he started crying. He was like, thank you very much. I appreciate you. You see me? You hear me? Whoa. Yeah. I was like, I don't problem. You've talked about this before. I did for a long time. I didn't know that. I was like, everyone just trashed this guy. Look at this hack asshole. And then everybody just did it and made a billions of dollars. Billion. They're all selling out arenas now. Absolutely. There you go. Sell out. Well, tell you it's tough. I got my kid in a Kweefe daycare now. I mean, this is Kweefe. I walk them there every day. It's cute. You get there and it's they go, they have to do like a little meditation at first. So I've been there like, it's one and a half years old. 19 months. Yeah. Maybe. It's one and a half. Almost 20. Almost 20 months. But yeah. So it's wacky. Then they play with sticks. They pray. They get on their hands and knees. They're like monks. I've been here going like, oh, 9/11, blow me 9/11/7/11. That's what I call a turbine. And then I'm like, okay, go pray. So it's like a special daycare. What kind of daycare is that? It's Catholic daycare. It's French. They teach him French, but they're all "quee-fi". I hope they don't hear this. So they have the French made stuff. Oh god. I wish. No, no. No croissants? No croissants. No, no. Armpit here. They got that. That's about it. But yeah, it's a cleave city. They look at rocks and they've talked to the plants. Wow. It's wild. They're giving us the signal. All right. For those who don't know the folks at home, when we have, when we hit an hour, check goes like this. Four times. Check is going like this. It's crazy. Yeah, you tease it. It's insane. Oh, that's real? All right. It's crazy. Are you the gay shit with the heart that people do now? I hate that move. Oh, the heart's a ball. The heart is bad news. It's big. Come on. I got thumbs up over our heart. Yeah, I mean, thumbs up or one of these. White power. I hate the heart. It'd be like if Chuck was a third base coach and I'm rounding second. He's like, what is this? He said even mixed. That's true. Hey, better, better, better. Was that a no spec? Or was that one of these? Well, I had this thing and I was telling you before my kid started 3K. They call it. It's like free school for three year olds. And it's like a daycare. Basically, it's eight to two. It's school. But they're, they're three. So they're not like reading or anything. they just in there and I dropped them off on Monday. First time doing it, he's sobbing, I'm sobbing, and they don't fuck around there. Normally when I leave, I go to Starbucks, he's like sobbing. We were very deeply connected, you see? And so when I'm leaving, he's like, oh my God. But this, the teachers, they're like, we have 20 kids. We can't sit here and have you say goodbye. So they just take them. It felt like Schindler's list. Like he's like, walk away. He's sobbing. I started crying. Like I'm just walking the street crying because my kids crying and the first day leaving, whatever. Yeah. And then like five minutes later, I'm like, so I'm just free from eight to two. You got that right. And I was like, this is like a breakup. Where when you break up with someone, you're sobbing and you're like, oh my God. And then you have that moment, you're like, I guess I can just fuck anybody I want. You can go to the Coney Island. Get on the roller coaster. You can drive on the wrong side of the road. So I need to go back to the movies and I walked 11 miles the first day. Well, we're going, we don't even need roads. I walked 21,000 steps, 11.1 miles. 'Cause I just walked the streets like fucking Kane from Kung Fu. You're a step dad, which I never seen. But they referenced it in bulk. Fiction is now I referenced it. I just went everywhere. Yeah. And now I'm back. We can do four podcasts a day and then, you know, it's crazy. Well, we got to get them in for old Texas. It's a millionaire. We got a year. I think we got, I think we're going to be fine. Here's the thing, zoom. Nobody cares about the zoom. Oh, yeah, everybody loves zoom. But people don't care. They accept we did zoom during World. J.Center, whatever it's called. Not over. Corona. Okay. Did Spain and Dana Carvey do zoom? Sam Harris in zoom. Howard Stern's all zoom. Rigging over it. Oh, interesting. And you're in Austin a lot. I'm in New York a lot. They love when we do a bunch of episodes in the same day. Yeah, they love that. They'll comment there. And we have a cult following with people that are going to stick with us no matter what. We have 10,000 people that will hate everything we do no matter what. You got that right, buddy. Black like they was some heyday, even though they hated us in the heyday. They started the heyday, they were like, "Oh, this is boh, this is just a suck." Whatever. And then they're always going to complain. Then there's the 50,000 people that just never complain no matter what. They're just grateful. They come to the show and then they're like, "We love you, Mr. Loser." Yeah, it's all pipes. And then there's some other assholes that'll go zoom. I can't do zoom, fuck you, motherfucker. All right, well, I don't know what's going on lately, but numbers are up through the roof. Through the roof, I don't know if it's because you're leaving. If I got a hairplug, whatever it is, Chuck's gay, something's going on. 'Cause we hit, we usually hit about 50k. This is no secret, the numbers are all on YouTube. We hit that in a day. Well, last week. Maybe we're doing something special or possibly YouTube changed what counts as a view. Fuck, I forgot. Keep forgetting about that, damn it. Oh, they don't know about that. All right, I don't read the Hollywood reporter. That's a good point. But, maybe you're right, I forgot. I kept thinking like, maybe if there's something in the air, you're leaving, so it's bubbling up, makes it more exclusive, like the clock's ticking and my hair's back, you know? I don't think so. But, oh, you know, we will make it work. We make it work. You come to Texas. Oh, I'm in Texas every now and then. But now I'm moving there, what? Now you come down and you do a couple episodes. That's right. Come up here, we do a few episodes. Okay. You'll be up here every now and then. I'll be up here all the time. What for though? The podcast. You're gonna fly just for the pod? You got other podcasts? Oh, you're gonna do those, too. Uh, uh, baby. So, that's a lot of flying. Yeah, no, you come up a few episodes, you know? And, uh, you visit, it's a lot of gum. I, you know, is it Cameron? Yeah, I'll go visit Karen. I got, I got, I got, I'm working on Karen down there. She keeps me like, I need a yard. I'm like, do you understand how these people are living? It's insane. They have sprawling yards, like 400 bucks a minute. That's, that's month. You're running with the weights off down there. It's a whole different ballgame. It's crazy. So we'll figure it out and, uh, maybe go to every other week. I, I got no stories anyways. I'm out of story. You get some telling me, you'll buy a gun, you'll get a truck. That's true. You'll shoot myself out of the portion. Now, there's a core people that will come along no matter what we do. And like I said, there's a, other people that will continue to come along, but just call us, cut, retard, asshole, fucking homos. So another little change. They're like, oh, the show sucks, ever since they have kids. I'm like, well, yeah, we, I, we mention our kids for fucking 60 seconds of, uh, month. Hey, we're, we're banging them in the ass. We're dropping them downstairs. It's still silly shit. Yeah, we're not like, uh, lovey-dovey over here. Exactly. All right. Well, oh yeah, I got shows. No way. What day is it? I don't know. 28 of September. Oh my birthday just bad. Oh happy birthday. What's your birthday again? 22nd 18th tomorrow. That's too early. I sent the text early. I appreciate it. That's a big fuck up. Um, October 1st and the 3rd side splinters. Your sides are going to split and Tampa. Oh, this is hot off the press. Big news, fresh news. This is exciting. I'm going to film a new comedy special January 21st to the 23rd at the comedy on state in Madison. So if you're in Milwaukee, if you're in Chicago, take the ride. Come on down. Come on over. Pack it out. Be part of comedy history. Uh, January 21st to the 23rd. But before that, I have um, stress factory in Connecticut, Bridgeport in December. I know, um, and Skankfest, of course, I have Raleigh, North Carolina. I have Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, October 20th, the 24th. Start buying those tickets. Please side splinters, October 1st, the 3rd. And of course, our Patreon, we rip it on the Patreon. I'm about to do one right now. Absolutely. It's the hottest Patreon in town, except for a couple of others that are doing quite well. Hey, I'm all over the road coming up Denver. Uh, what else? Madison, Wisconsin. We had a show out in comedy on state, one of the great rooms. Uh, what else we got here? Portland, Helium in Oregon. And I love that club. San Jose. That needs some help. We'd love to have you out in San Jose, the crypto capital. Uh, I'm going to pop down to the mother ship. See I'm going to Austin. There all. It happens Bethlehem P8, the Win Creek Casino, Tropicana, Atlantic City. And then it's Thanksgiving. And then we're at Las Vegas and fantasy springs in India, California, whatever they have. Oh, I know that. That's, uh, right. That's right. Where the tennis tournament is. Hey, Springs. Oh, hey, mom. What's the big festival? Coachella coachella. Thank you. We'll see it. Hell folks. Well, we got you. What do you got there? Juggy cheese. All right, I forgot you were here. Check out me. Yeah, P. Yes. Good. Check out my podcast, fun, bearable. And also we're filming the pilot. We're all done. However, I just found out we need to do a little bit of a reshoot. So if you want to get involved, hit me up on this account, chuck on Twitter, Instagram. I just got a text today that's like, hey, you have communicators for us, like the earpieces and the microphones. And I'm like, ah, fuck, I got to rent all this. Again, I had a rental. But yeah, hit me up at this account, chuck on Twitter, Instagram. If you want to get involved with the fun pilot. There we go. Pilots in the audience. Thank you, folks. I got a whiz, like you were telling me.