#672 Anthony Bour-Dane Cook

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose. Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! The big hat is back! We're back! Bob the Builder here. Is that a P or an O with a line through it? Or is that the same thing? Uh. You know what it looks like? It looks like a tiny dick and a big pussy. Oh, well, that's us. That's the show. Tiny dick, big pussy here. So, what's the hat all about? Well, it's a special hat because it doesn't hit the sides. That's why I look like a full Down Syndrome special. Neat. Needs child at the zoo. Big box, yeah, yeah. Yeah, big box, big, big pussy. Yes, yes, it's a big coat. So, how's it going? I mean, this is like a soap opera. Fill us in. Well, we're eight days in. It's as long as eight days of my life. Eight days around the world, or what is it? Eight days a week is a Beatles song. Eight days a week. Yeah, eight's enough. Ooh, I love. There's hateful eight. Oh, yeah. Eight heads in a duffel bag. Heart eight. Oh, yeah, heart eight. Yeah. First PTA. Around the world in 80 days. That's it, 80 days. Crazy 88s. Okay. Yeah, good one, good one. Eight ball, corner pocket. Ain't going to work no more. So, yeah. Eight talking about love. Oof. Who ate the cookies in the cookie jar? Who ate the cookie in the cookie jar? Who, me? Who, you? Couldn't boo. I can't remember. I'm a Jew. So, how's it feeling? How's it going? I don't see any improvements. Yeah. It's a bad look. I'm scaring the child. I'm scaring the townspeople that came out. We've got torches. I look like Frankenstein. Fuck Travis Bickle. The whole thing sucks. I haven't left out. Liz is texting me. She's like, I got spots. And I'm like, it's like kryptonite, Jerry. It's like a naked woman in front of you. And you're like, ah! I feel like Matt Damon on the mast. I'm like, ah, I can't leave. So, you haven't done a spot? I did two last night. I was going to say. I didn't believe you from the get-go. But I can only do like one. And this hat feels like a razor blade sitting on my head. It's just cutting into the skin. It just feels like a big open gap. So, why the hat? Why not take off the hat? Well, I just look so horrific. Right. I'm hideous. Don't look away. I'm hideous. That's true. Might get some views. That's true. That's true. And I'm trying to keep it real, you know? I want to keep working. Everybody I talk to, Soder, Mattel, they're like, they go, you're not staying home? I go, well, I got a pause to do it. They're like, you didn't think of this before? And then they go, this is where they got me. Soder goes, you're going in every day, right? I go, going in? It's at the Upper East Side. And he goes, yeah, I would go in every day, and they would wash my hair. They would do maintenance. He's like, you're not doing that? I'm like, I'm doing it all myself. He's like, what are you kidding? It's a lot of upkeep, a lot of full-time job. I'm like, I know. I'm at the house doing baths and creams and gels. So, that's an option? You can go in, and they fucking scooped you up? Yeah. And Soder made a good point. He's like, you're paying a gazillion dollars. Use them. Go up there. And I'm like, yeah, but it's a lot of sitting on the train. Yeah, it's time. I'd rather be home. I'd do my own bath. But he's like, maybe you're doing it wrong. Interesting. So, then he's like, you don't want to spend all that money? Then fuck it up. Yeah, well, it's something. You're a special needs kind of guy. I guess so. But you're getting it done, right? I'm getting it done. Getting it done. Okay, so go to the doctor tomorrow, maybe. That's the plan. Okay, go and see how you've been doing. And they really shortchanged you on the meds. They gave you like three pain pills. I think they're nervous you'll go full Ian Fyde. Well, that's the problem with the big controversial, the big, huge pharmaceutical business. Now, you can show up with a bleeding dick and two cocks in your ass, and they're like, here's a Tylenol, you piece of shit, because they all went to prison. Oh, is that right? Well, they had those things. What do they call those? Sackler? Drug houses, Sackler. Methadone? Yeah, but they had like, there was a term for doctors that were pumping out all the things. Oh, I didn't know that. What was that term? Pump house or something. Ooh, I like a pump house. There goes your child. I'll never see him again. Whatever they called it. What was that called? It was just a doctor's office where like everyone, all the junkies could come in and just, a pichup, a pipple popper, pencil pusher. A script? A doctor. Pill pusher? Yeah, but there was a term. You're down with OPP. You could go to the, that doctor was just a scoobaloo boop. Yeah, yeah. And there'd be a line out the door at the doctor's office. Right. It was, you know, Dr. Frankenstein, going, here you go, here's 40 pills for you, 60 pills for you. Yeah. There's a term. I know the type, but I- Because I watched that Sackler show. So did I. Brain dead or brain trauma? The Michael Keaton one. Yeah. Brain droppings. What was that? I don't know. Dopesick. Dopesick. Hey! Popped up. Pill mill doctor? Pill mill! That's it. That's what I was talking about. Pill mill, yeah. I thought it was a cigar. That place is just a pill mill down there. I see. Pill mill. I like that. Pill mill, yeah. You go down to the pill mill and it goes, ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. But anyways, those guys went to prison, so now they've got to be careful. They can't give every Tom, Dick, and Harry an Ambien and a- Klonopin. Yeah. And a Percocet and a Vicodin. But boy, the head, the paint, the hair looks better. It's growing in, but the head hurts more. I don't know. Head hurt. Head hurt. Head really hurt. I've been saying that all week around that nobody gets it, so- Hey, Ping! Good to see you. Raymo. Head hurt, indeed. And you've got to sleep on the pillow only on your back, so I'm like Dracula up there. And if you turn to the side, your head starts stinging. And I get this full apocalypse now. 3 a.m. to 6 a.m., I'm in hell. I'm just like, God! But you're laying there in the dark, and you go to horrible places in your head, and it itches. It feels like the hair is in your brain and it's trying to get through the skull, and it can't. It's a horrible feeling. So when you talked to Soder Mateo, did they feel this also, or was it lesser because they were going to the doctor? I think it was lesser, and they- I've been working. I've been working. I've been working out, which they told me not to do. They tell you not to have sex, but who can go two weeks without flopping? Chuck's gone like eight years. That's a good point. He got me there. Gnarly virgin over there. Yeah, you went from fucking every child in America to zero. That's pretty- That's quite a chasm. It's quite a narrative. Yeah, yeah. All right. Epstein's Island, but yeah. So I'm getting through it, and I made it this far. If I can get one more- One more week, I'll be cruising. So is that it? One more week? And when do you expect your hair to burst? Well, I can show you the spores. It's like when you put an avocado seed in the water. You come by, and you're like, eh, something's happening here. I've never done that. Oh, really? I've planted a couple grass seeds or whatever. When you're a kid, you find a seed, and you put it down there. Did it sprout? A little bit, yeah. All right. I'm getting some sprout something or other. So we're getting there. You know what they always say? Live in the moment. It's so much easier to live in the moment when the moment sucks. Don't you find? Like, if you're having a great time, you go, where'd the day go? Where'd the night go? Oh, shit. But if you're planking, you're like, whoo! Yeah. We went one second and a half. Felt like an hour. Right, right. Or a treadmill or something. When you're doing something that sucks, time doesn't go. Uh-huh. And when it's fun, it's flying. Time flies when you're having fun. There you go. Which, you know, it always feels like, if you want to extend your life, don't have fun. That's true. So depression might be the key to longevity. But the more you do, the more your brain takes in, especially new sights, new sounds, new movies, it extends life, which I always feel this. This is where we're extremely fortunate in our line of work. People are always like, the weeks fly by, everything flies by, the years fly by. But that's because they're going to the same place every day. Every day is the same. True. And to me, I feel like June was three years ago because I've been to 50 cities since then. Same. Plus the baby's doing new shit every week. You know, you do a spot every week. The crowd is different. Even if you went to the cellar every night, it's a different crowd. It's a different hang. It's a different vibe. It's a different set. Right. It's all variety for us. No, I think about this with my father. This guy, for 40 years, now he works from home, which is also a nightmare. For 40 years, he put on the same shirt, and tie, and shoes, and drove the same car, the same route, same traffic, shows up, same people, hi, hi, ooh, hip, hip, same office, drives home, and the same traffic every day. It's all just a blur. Right. But for me, since June, I've been to Cleveland, Maine, Portland, Oregon, Portland, Maine, Tacoma, Washington, Los Angeles, Austin, Texas, the Mets game, tennis match, a concert. So it feels like years. Yeah, yeah. I feel like I got married 50 years ago. Totally. No, I totally agree. And you can even go further and dissect and go different opener in each show. So you get to hang out with a different person. The flight, the Uber to the airport, the airport, the security. I mean, there's so many things. You ever have people go like, I see a guy on Sunday, and he's like, what have you been up to? I'm like, oh, I just got back from Pittsburgh. And they're like, you were in Pittsburgh? - Today? - Right. Seven sold-out shows all weekend. They're like, what? I'm like, what did you do? They're like, I watch Netflix. Right. And you're like, man. Well, and there's science behind this, too. Even if your job isn't traveling, they say even just taking a different route to work can make you, because your brain is taking in new information. The less new information your brain's taking in, the less it is online. Yes. Because it goes, oh, yeah, we know this. So just go in the opposite direction or taking a bike to work or walking or doing anything slightly different, your brain has to come online and be like, wait, what's this? And so it kind of remembers it. It's like in the Flintstones when they run. It's just the same background. Ah. But that's funny that different is good, but every time we change anything up, people flip. Right. We should be going, hey, we're helping your brain get a little sustenance there, you queef. Yeah, good point. But people, sustenance and new requires a little extra thinking, and I don't think people want to do that. Well, last week, evidently, there was a buzz, which I didn't even hear about or hear. But buzz your girlfriend, woof. But it's because Chuck hasn't been laid in six or seven years, so he doesn't know what's going on. You're buzzing. You can't hear anything. You're literally oozing out some kind of frequency because you need to get laid. Buzz Lightyear. By the way, have we talked about this on air? Oh, shit. My vindication for my buzz Lightyear. Buzz Lightyear plot hole. Oh, they're going to go Reggie Watts. No, no. I posted, and everyone, here's the thing. Nobody thinks that you can be a person that came up with something or thought of something. That's true. I wrote, there's a massive plot hole in Toy Story. There's no, it doesn't make any sense that he's pretending, he plays dead. Like a toy. Yeah, that's what they do. But Buzz, the whole plot of the film, the plot. Is it four, five? One. Oh, one. The whole plot is that Buzz doesn't think he's a toy. That's the whole premise of the movie. Yet he still plays dead, even to the sacrifice of his own life. Like the claw is picking him up, and he's playing dead. Interesting. Even though he knows he's not, he's getting picked up by Sid. Maybe it's a safety issue. Well, so this is the thing. I posted this, and everything was like, fuck you, you're an idiot. Deep down he knows, which by the way, doesn't make any sense. Yeah. Because if the whole turn. Deep down. The big sad moment is that he realizes he's not a toy. That's the best moment of the movie. And the key point in the film, he sees the commercial, he finds out he's not a toy, and that he is a toy. So everyone's like, you're wrong. This is, you're a fucking idiot. You're picking the, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Yep. Now, this year, an interview comes out with the filmmaker, who's like, we worked on that for two weeks. It's a massive plot hole. We teamed up. We tried to figure it out. How about that? And then they address it in part five, which I haven't seen. Evidently, they allude to it. Oh, that's good. So you're like, you see? I was right. And even Ronan, this pimple, Ronan, he's like, that still doesn't mean anything. He's like, just because the filmmakers say it doesn't mean it's not my own interpretation. And I'm like, it's like, come on. That's crazy. The filmmakers said it. Give it to me. People don't want to give. You know why? Because they realize they didn't think of it. Then they feel dumb that they're ashamed and they got to turn it on you. Another thing that doesn't make sense is at the end of the first movie, the big finish, is Woody's like, we got to break the rules. And they all come alive to fuck up Sid. But you're like, well, if he's willing to break the rules, why didn't he do it when the 18-wheeler was about to run over his face earlier in the movie? He's playing dead so well that an 18-wheeler parks in front of his head and almost squished his face off. Well, they don't ruin it. But then later, this came out 31 years ago. I haven't seen it. So then, anyways, then he's like, at the end, he's like, we got to fuck up this boy. We'll break the rules to ruin his life, which Ronan had the great point. I got to credit Ronan. All right, credit. He's like, this kid Sid, he doesn't know that the fucking toys are alive. He's just blowing up toys. Yeah. But they're like, you piece of shit. The whole movie is based on like, Sid is this sinister garbage kid because he's blowing up toys. But it's like, he thinks they're just inanimate objects. That's true. Why would he think that the toys are alive? Yeah, they don't have a soul. But he has a skull on his shirt and a buzzy haircut. Yeah. Bad boy. Buzzer haircut. Woof. Woof. So it is funny that they've like, ruined Sid's life. Meanwhile, his parents are just horrible people that beat him and ignore him. Right. So he's been created this way. But it's like, you watch the movie, you do think like, oh, Sid is, what's that word? He's a villain. What's that word when you torture people? Masochist. Ah. He's a villain. But it took me 30 years for Ronan to point out that he's just a kid blowing up toys. Blowing up pieces of plastic. I would say maybe. He's not torturing cats. That's true. No, you're right. We do see him as the evil piece of shit. But blowing up toys is a little out there. I didn't blow up toys. It's a funky thing to do. That's funky. But in reality, nobody's getting hurt. No, no. You're right. You're right. It's like. He's dealing with explosives. Yeah. It's a little strange. If I was like, ripping up books or burning books, it would be weird. But nobody's getting hurt. Right. No, that's true. But yeah, good catch. But people don't like it. That's why inventors. They struggle. You know, these Thomas Edison's and all these Tesla guys, they got a lot of pushback. Nobody wants to give it up. And then when you do come up with it, they go, that was great. Well, they think. I think a lot of things is. And I'm probably guilty of this, too. It's such as me. But people are like, well, there's no way some comedian asshole or some plumber. Right. Was smarter than the filmmaker. Right. Thought of this other thing that thought of this thing that no one else thought. I think that's what the problem is. But I think it goes internal. I think people go, well, I feel stupid now because I didn't get it. So I can't let you win this. That's a human nature thing. I look at Rosa Parks. Where is she? Well, she pops up to the front seat. Everybody flips out. She's a villain. She's Sid. We all hate her. She's blowing up toys. Next thing you know, there's a plaque. She's a hero. She's a hero. It takes people. Dumb people have to catch up and we have to wait for these tards. Right. No, I'm Rosa Parks. You're a part. That's what I'm saying. Me, her, and Susan B. Anthony, which I don't know what the hell she did. I think she sewed something. No, that's Betsy Ross. Yeah. Betsy Jeff Ross. What did B. Anthony do? Susan B. Anthony. She's got a dollar, doesn't she? Is she white or black? She's white. She killed a kid. Now, that's Casey Anthony. Oh, yeah. Way out on the Lindsey Clancy. I don't know. I can't follow this thing. Don't even open it up. She killed a kid. I was on Legion of Skanks. We did a half hour on it. I don't know what the fuck was going on there. Oh, my God. It's bad news, baby. Well, I guess. So the trial. Everyone knows she did it. The trial's not. This is what I understand. The trial's not about if she did, but if she was mentally retarded. Yes. And then she had been in a psych ward days earlier, and they changed her meds. Yes. 14 pills she was taking. Well, I feel bad for her and for him, but you can't be out walking around. I mean, they could put her somewhere. You got to put her somewhere. Get rid of her. You got to. I mean, I don't know if she needs the death penalty. I don't believe in the death penalty in general, but. Eh. You can't kill three kids and then be like, all right, I've got a job at Walmart. Well, yeah, Walmart is somewhere. We got to really pin this down. We can't have her at Chick-fil-A. We got to have her strapped in a room with a gun in her hand. Oh, okay. Yeah, we got to have her somewhere. I mean, whether it's a psych ward or. A jail. Solitary confinement or wherever. You're just not allowed to kill three people. Yeah, yeah. And she had the wherewithal to tell the hubby to kick rocks. Yeah. But then people are saying she was in a psychosis with hormones, and then you're like, okay, well, if you're going on the hormone route, women are going to have a tough time getting hired later. I think that could factor. Some guy's going to go, hey, and I'm not saying I'm saying this, but this could happen. Some guy's going to go, everything in corporation and jobs is all liability, all lawsuits. So they're going to go, oh, you have a kid? Are you postpartum? How are those hormones doing? I'm not hiring your ass. And I'm not saying that's right, but I'm saying everyone is keeping, what do you call that? I'm worried about my shit. You're coming in here with your hormones, so now you're going to kill a couple of toddlers with exercise bans. It sets a precedent. Thank you. Oh, you want to be a politician, lady? Oh, you want to be air traffic control? I don't know. I got a Bowflex over here. I don't know if you're going to choke out Susie. Right. She used a rubber band, like exercise bands. Which is tough for the husband. He's like, ah, she finally used it. That's not bad. That's good. Oh, thanks. Well, the other thing is, I mean, she had to kill one kid and then go to the other one and then pick a third one. I mean, it's a long time. Shutter Island style. There's another theory that is huge where it's like, they're like, the husband did it. Oh, I've seen that. That's big. He told her that she did it, but really he did it. I've seen. We were on Legion of Skanks and we watched like a whole bunch of TikTok ladies saying that he did it and all this stuff and they're, you know, retarded, whatever. Isn't the verdict today or yesterday? Isn't that coming soon? I can't wait. I'm going to get some lotion and rub one out. I haven't followed it at all, but. Don't follow. No, I don't follow anything it follows. Same director as End of Oak Street. Have you seen it? Nah, I did see the Tony movie. Tony. Oh, Tony. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Bourdain. I heard it was great. It's good. It's gritty. It feels like a real movie. It's, well, Johnson killed it. He's a great director. Yeah. It felt like Stavros kills it. He's so good at it. Banderas steals the whole thing. But I feel like the guy, Sessa? I don't know. The main guy? Holdovers? Oh, yeah, the kid from the Holdovers, yeah. He's Bourdain. He's a great actor. He's really good. But you're talking to a guy who's watched 900 hours of Parts Unknown. I saw the Roadrunner doc. I've seen a lot of Bourdain stuff. He didn't feel like Bourdain at all. There was not one, you know, like you watch the Bob Dylan movie or the Bruce Springsteen movie. You're like, all right, I get it. I see it. This is Bourdain. We never saw Bourdain at this age. That's not Bourdain. That's pretty good. But, I mean, give me something. Give me one affect, hand movement, eyebrow ring. Give me something that is a little resembling Anthony. I hear you. Now, I haven't seen the film, so I'm talking out my ass. But is there a difference of this 30-year difference, right? Sure, sure. He's playing 22 years. 22-year-old Bourdain or something like that? Yeah, I mean, maybe 19. And we only know 50-year-old Bourdain. But you give me you as a 19-year-old, I'm going to get some listisms. Right. I'm going to get a little homosexuality, a little teeth, a little forehead, you know, something. Give me something. Well, I've got to think. It's hard to think. Now, I have to put my head in a place of a celebrity or somebody that I only knew from the age of 50, 60 on. Okay. As a 19-year-old. Like, if I saw a 19-year-old Ron Bennington, would I right away be like, there's Ron. Because he's not going to have reading glasses on his head. No, that's true. And a little ponytail and cancer. I mean, he's probably going to be on heroin, first of all. Is that right? Well, I don't know about heroin, but coke and booze and pills and Quaaludes and all that. But you're going to get a little Ronnie. It's in there. I mean, I think if I saw you as a four-year-old, I could see some movement. But I'm saying, in what way? Like, what? What a 19-year-old Bennington. Look like. Because he's not going to be sitting with his feet on the desk. He's not going to be chewing on a cigar. I bet there's some of that in there. He's going to look different physically and all that. But I do think your cement is dried a little. Now, I'm not saying you're wrong and I haven't seen the film. I'm just trying to figure out what he could do. Because he can't say, I guess I don't know Bourdain's move, but does he do a quick one? He's got stuff. And here's the other thing I would say. Sometimes. Maybe it was a coincidence. Maybe it was a conscious decision. Because sometimes when they do things like that, it becomes cheesy. That's true. That's true. If you had young Michael Richards be like, oh, I don't know. And you're like, oh, there it is. There's the moment. Right. It's like when Chris Rock does Chris Rock. And you're like, all right, all right. You don't have to do you. Well, I think of, it was horrible. The play about Frankie Valli they made as a movie. I don't know it. What was that? That's not Spacey. Oh, that's the movie. Maybe. It was on Broadway. And then the Jersey Boys. Oh. The movie. And then Joe Pesci was like their manager for a minute. And Joe Pesci, the character comes in. It's like a young Italian kid. And he goes, hey, guys, we got to make it to the show. And they go, you're funny. He goes, funny how? No. They didn't do that. They do that. Oh, that's appalling. And the whole, you're like this. Oh. So that's what I think of Bourdain. If he did some kind of like Bourdain thing, he might take you out of the film. And you're like, oh, my God. That is cheesy as hell. I totally get what you're putting down there, Fatty. I'm just saying, give me a movement of something he did, a haircut, the walk was different. I need something. Yeah, right. Give me a little Bourdain-y. Otherwise, he could play the guy. Chuck could do it. You could put Rupert in the role. Anthony Bourdain Cook. There you go. Hey, he's a cook. Oh. Bourdain Cook. Bourdain Cook. Bourdain Cook. That's unbelievable. That's something. Cut it. Put that down. Cut this motherfucker right here. Save that. Save for stick or treat. You come in, you do heroin, and you get all Dane cooking. Yeah, that's not bad. And you cook something. He slowly gets more like, ugh. Yeah, yeah. Then he kills himself. Tuesday's story is brought to you by DraftKings. The wait is over. Football is here. And so is DraftKings. One app. Every sport. Nationwide. New DraftKings customers sign up with code Tuesdays. Spend five bucks to get $200 in rewards within 21 days. Includes all markets. That's code Tuesdays. In partnership with DraftKings. DraftKings. The crown is yours. Woo! Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. 1-800-MY-RESET. Connecticut, call 888-789-7777. 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Get it up and running fast with no coding needed. Shopify checkout software handles everything you need to sell. And the iconic purple shop pay button helps turn browsers into buyers. Shopify's AI assistant sidekick comes built in and ready to help with whatever you need. Because Shopify handles the setup and checkout. You have more time to focus on growing your business with Shopify. Nothing stands between you, your ideas, and a real business. So go make it one. Cha-ching! Start your free trial at Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. That's Shopify.com slash Tuesdays to start your free trial today. One more time, folks. Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. By the way, Luke Moniz told me he just worked with Dane Cook. Ah. And they were standing there chatting. A guy walked up, recognized Dane, stopped and had a seizure. Right? Under their feet. Whoa. He was like, hey, Dane, I'm a big fan. Super finger. Whoa. That's a real fan. Yeah. Julius Caesar. Luke was like, it was the craziest thing in my life. Wow. So did Dane help him or did he go, did he put a cigarette out on him and walk away? What happened? I'm not sure. I don't know. I only got, it was like a text. And I felt bad because I was with the kid and running around and my dick was in my ass. So I just wrote like, that's crazy. Boy, I feel like seizures are up. I had a seizure salad at my show. This Dane Cook's giving seizures. Something's going on. Well, I don't know. I mean, I think times are hard on the boulevard. I mean, it's stressful times. I guess so. People are just seizureing. Yeah, yeah. Seizure of the day. What is a seizure exactly? I don't get it. You just shake? I think it's a spasm. You lose all the control of the muscles and you bite your tongue. You got to hold the tongue. I saw a girl for a while that had epilepsy. And like those ones you're talking about are like extreme. Yeah. But like they can just like have seizures and feel them in their head and they could be like, all right, hold on one second. Like I'm having a seizure. I used to be a bus boy and I worked with a kid, another kid who was a bus boy, and he would have seizures. Worst job for a seizure because he's carrying a plate of dishes and he'd go like, he would drop all the dishes and I got to clean them up because I'm the normal bus boy. So now I'm double duty. But they fired the guy. They're like, you're a sweet kid. You're obviously fucked up and weird, but we run out of dishes here. Now, once he's done seizuring, though, Kate. He'd be like, hey, you owe me three tables. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. That's kind of a shitty move there on the cripple there. It also feels like he could just do that anytime he wants like a smoke break. That's a good point. He could just be like, ah, I'm getting a little tired. Yeah, he was a little funky, that guy. Now, did you ever get a seizure during the lovemaking? Because that would be pretty good on the dong, I feel like. No, she. I thought you were a virgin. What is this? I can't get your story straight. That story's gay. It seemed like it was triggered by like sometimes visual stuff, sometimes like. Seeing you on top of me would put me into a fucking blackout. Oh, I would go to a happy place. Yeah, I'd have claw hands the rest of my life. That would be tough. Wait, I was going to ask. Oh, first of all, let me just talk about this real quick. Because I got big, beefy curtains. Oh, really? Meat curtains? Yeah, I got a big beef. You and Salicus teamed up. You fucked me. Teamed up? You porked me. Right in the ass. Two dicks, same ass, coming out of my eyes. You porked me. Well, it was like Goodfellas. I feel like I'm like, I thought you were going to bail. I thought you were bailing. First of all, you were like, I can't do Monday for the pod. So I thought, oh, he's Monday, he's out. Monday. Oh, I had the regs. Oh, I just assumed you were flying. You were flying in or something, so you couldn't. So I was like, Joe's not going. Then I got the hair. Somebody else couldn't do Monday. No, he was the one that couldn't do Monday. I thought you said no Monday. No, I never. I'm always like. You said I'm wide except for Monday. I'm not giving you shit. I'm just saying. No, but Chuck said. You said no Monday. Hold on. I'll pull it right up. All right, all right. Here it comes. Chuck's going to look like a big asshole. Look at the Lindsey Clancy verdict here. Chuck, I'm good any day but Monday. Oh, there you go. Well, he got it right there. There you go. Friday, 5.06 p.m. Johnny Cochran. Chuck Tuesdays. I'm good any day. but Monday. Okay. And my next text is Tuesday or Wednesday is best for me. That's all I said. I take it all back. Best for me. If the text fits, I must acquit. Behind the scenes, whenever I have a thing, I'm like, even if this doesn't work, we'll figure it out. I'll move stuff around. Rupee. So when I say Monday, I can't do. If you're like, oh, Monday's the best day, I'm like, alright, we'll figure it out. And I quote, any day but Monday. And I respond, Tuesday, Wednesday, best for me. Okay. I appreciate it. I appreciate it. I was wide. Well, I had regs. But I could have made it work. I love these early episodes, by the way. This is the way to go. I agree. I had to be 6 a.m. You get the whole day left. Me too. So anyway. I thought I read that I was wrong and I thought you were not here on Monday. No, no. So anyway, for the folks at home, Elon Altman, who I've never met in my life. I don't know who this guy is. Sweet kid. Good, good, funny, nice guy. By the way, he's like our age. No, he's got to be 11. I thought he was, I'm not joking, I thought he was 28 years old. He's 45. He's 42. What? He's 43 in November. He graduated in 2001. He's about this tall. He has a lollipop, a propeller hat, and a balloon in his hand. Well, I was heading to the seats. I'm like, I hope I recognize this kid. I have no idea who this is. He's the one on the milk carton. I thought it was Elon Gold. Musk. Oh, Musk. He stinks. Gold. I think it's Elon, actually. Elon. If we want to get serious. Alright. Well, is it Elon Altman? Elon Altman. Is that right? Yeah. I don't even know his name. There's Elon Musk and then there's Sam Altman. This guy's right in there. Hey, that's a great point. That's his bit. Oh, okay. He had the handy nasty. I remember the handy nasty. Handy nasty's big. That's what made me say yes to the tenant. I'm like, I'm going to have handy nasty and Mark and Salicus. That's how we go by hangout. So, he's got a good bit. I'll hang out with him. So, anyways. That's hilarious. This young boy messages me. I don't know him from Adam. He's got a slingshot and a trike. Adam Altman. When he said he was 42, I fell out of my seat, which sucked because we were up in the sky. Elon Altman should be an Elon Altboy. So, I go hot mom. Every mom is hot to me now. Not hot, but a big tank ass. Yikes. That looked like Bigfoot. I love a Bigfoot. Put the toe in my mouth. Oh, God. That was a Yeti. So, any farts. Smallfoot. Robert Altman messages me on Instagram. He goes, hey, August 31st. Nashville. I got U.S. Open ticket. You know me. I'm a tennis queef. I live at the Open. It's the best two weeks of the year. Never been to the Open. So, well, you could have gone last night. There was a big ticket for you. That's why I said yes. The hair, the hair. So, this guy goes, hey, I got three tickets. It's me, Mark, and Salicus. Hey, good hang. Now, I've known you for a very long time. So, right when he says it, I'm like, there's a 0% chance Mark's taking the night off and going to a tennis match. Just nothing. I should go. I like tennis, but, yeah, I felt out of place. I said to Sarah, I'm like, Mark, Mark's not coming, but I'm going to say yes, because I'll get a new friend. And I love tennis. And he bought the tickets with the pre-code 56 bucks. Now, what's a regular ticket go for? Right now, on the secondary market, a grounds pass, which is just to be on the ground, not even a seat, is 300 bucks. What? So, he got $56 tickets. Now, I'll get to where the seats were in a second. Who wants to go on the ground? If you can't even see the game, what do you want to get? A smoothie? So, there's matches everywhere. You just can't get into Louis Armstrong, which is the big stadium, or Arthur Ashe is the big stadium. Louis Armstrong is the second biggest stadium. But you can go to all the other stadiums, all the other courts. Why is the name of it Louis Armstrong? Just a side note. He's a trumpet player from New Orleans. That's our airport, Louis Armstrong. That's a good question. Arthur Ashe makes sense. Give that a go. I don't believe so. He was a bit disheveled and out of shape, that old Lou. Well, Queens, maybe Queens. He played Satchmo, they called him. Those lips were wacky. It's a wonderful world. Bloody and cracked and sliced up. Oh, yeah. Wacky. Lip service. Anyways, so, we'll get to the bottom of this. Jack's got something. Oh, he lived in Queens. Oh, there you go. That's it. Alright, so did you. Yeah, me too. How about a court for this queen? There you go. So, any farts, so I go, I'm gonna say yes to the dress and I'm like, I'll get Mark and Salacuse. That'll be fun. Love it. So, here we go. We're coming. It's time for the 10. And now, this ain't easy, because my kid, long story short, he's in the big boy bed, but he comes in our bed every night at like 3 o'clock in the morning, kicks the shit out of me. I can't sleep. I haven't slept in the night since the 80s. That's the worst. So, I'm sleepy and, you know, tennis early rounds goes till fucking 1 in the morning. So, I'm like, alright, this is gonna be late night, but that's alright. Socialize. New buddies. Salacuse is a great hang. Morning of food. Hey, guys, Mark Bale. There you go. I knew that was coming. Yeah, that's no problem there. Sure, sure. So, he goes, I got Jeremy Pinsley. Now, do you know Pinsley? I've known Pinsley for 20-something years. He's a sweet boy and a good egg. And he has a comedy club now. And it's a great room. I did the Greenpoint Comedy Club in Greenpoint. Great room. Check it out. Well, I love Pinsley and he's a tennis nut. Is that right? Yeah, he's a professional tennis player, for God's sakes. What? He's like a tennis pro. Lesson guy. Get out of here. Well, maybe not professional, but whatever. He's good. Alright, alright. A tennis pro. Okay, 30 love. So, I'm like, great. And I can nerd out with him. So, that's nice. There you go. Comedy and tennis. Your two loves. And I got Salacuse. So, this is beautiful. Alright. So, tennis all day. I gotta do the rags, the thing, the other thing, the baby, boop, boop, boop. Alright, I'm headed to Queens. Here we go. And now Salacuse, he plants his little seed. You two working together. I know you're working together behind the scenes. I don't work with that guy. He's not my kind of guy. So, he goes, well, I'll be a little late. I gotta shoot till seven. And right away, I can sniff dog shit from four miles away. Well, also, it's a seed plant. I know the seed plant. The game's at seven, right? Match starts at seven, but there's two matches. There's the men's and the women's. Now, for those at home that don't watch the sport, it's a three-hour match. Followed by a two-hour match. This thing goes till fucking one o'clock in the morning. Also, for the people in Cincinnati, Queens is a hike. And Salacuse, not a big fan of leaving the island. No, no, no. So, going up, if you get, he's gonna be done at seven. So, you still gotta get up to Queens, which will take 46 minutes from where he's at. So, that ain't happening. He said yes to the dress, so he goes, the day before, he's like, well, I gotta shoot till seven P, and I'm like this. There we go. At least I cut it at the limb. This guy, he's leading the witness. So, he goes, okay. Now, did you pay him for the ticket? He, Pinsley got it. All right. Pinsley. So. Got a baby. I go. Put a pin in it. I go, all right. Well, here we go. So, now I go, now I'm right on time. You know me. I'm doing laps around the house, so I don't get here too early. Sure. Now, I get to the thing. I'm all excited. And Altman, he's a young Jewish boy. He's 42. I'm like, he probably got some real tickets, you know. He's a New Yorker. He probably got some plugs and T-cells, because, man, he looks youthful. He looks like he's 20 years old. So, I pull up my ticket, because I don't look at it before. I'm busy. I get there. Section 317 Row X. X. God damn. Now, I've been pretty successful the last few years. I haven't sat in Row X since 1985. Row X. Malcolm X. I mean, I didn't know they did it. That's like floor 13. They should cut that out. By the way, he texts at like 545. He's like, I'm here. I'm like, you're here? Oh, I hate that. That's a pet peeve. So, I get out there. I sit in the security line for 45 minutes, because it's packed. There's like thousands of people coming in. Nice night. It takes 45 minutes to get through. I'm looking around for Salicus. I'm like, he's gotta be here by now. Where's that Hawaiian shirt and forehead? So, I get through. I get my cheeseburger, my fries, my water. I walk up. I'm like gassed. It's 25 rows high. You're like Rocky. It's the top of the room. You can literally hear the air conditioning. It's just like sound like last week's episode, because Chuck fucked up. Virgin. Buzz. So, we get up there, and I'm like, the tennis player's this big. I can't even see who the fuck it is. You should have brought the opera binoculars. I'm out of breath, and I'm like, now I'm on a date. I gotta get to know this man. Where's Pinsley? So, Pinsley's not there yet. Oh, jeez. So, I'm like, whew, this is crazy, huh? I throw you right under the bus. I'm like, boy, Mark's a real bag of shit. And he's like, well, he said the babysitter canceled. You're telling me you did spot so who knows what to believe. Both are true. Okay. So, I go, yeah, well, this is crazy. Wow, tennis. And so, I assume he's like a tennis retard like me. Sure. So, I'm like, boy, I was here in the 04 special of the 48 thing, and he's like, who's that now? Roger, who? Who's Nadal? Is that a woman? I'm like, ah, Jesus. Who's Nadal? How'd he get tickets? I mean, like, why did he get tickets? No, he knows. He went to his first match in 97, which is, that's when I was like, what the fuck? How old are you? I thought he was 13. This guy knows Nadal. No, 9-11. He went to Stuyvesant High School and graduated the year before 9-11. Whoa, he's older than me. He just missed it. I'm 01. So, no, you graduated the same year, because he graduated in June of 01. June? So, when 9-11 happened, he was up in. I see, I see. At Cornell. He went to Cornell, this kid. Jeez. Not smart enough to get a better seat. X. So, and you try to balance, because this man got tickets and he invited you, so you feel good about that, but at the same time, you're like, buddy, my My nose is bleeding. This is crazy Yeah, that's bad for the hair I made the right call Which, by the way, I was like You can't have Mark up here You're a celebrity You can't sit in row X You'd look like an asshole I like X I'm away from the peons Well, it is nice It was very anonymous But, anyways, Pinsley came And Elon's great Or Elon is great Whatever his name is Again, it's our first time hanging out ever Sure I thought I'd have two of my besties with me Did you fuck? I mean, did it go over well? It was nice We had a good time I mean, I think I scared him a couple times Because I just assume he's palling around with you So I was like Oh, he's fine He could say all kinds of I make all kinds of Jew jokes Oh, okay Well, there was three elementary school girls Ah, now we're talking They sat in a row And I was like, three of them? Three of us, huh? And then he was like, ooh No And I was like, no good? They were like 12 I thought it was funny That's funny Yeah I should have been there And I was like, all right Well, what are you going to do? Oh, and then there was a lady That had a black woman That had a jacket With a patch that said Trust black men And I'm like What? That's one of the most retarded Blanket statements I've ever heard in my life And he was like, well, you know They're oppressed And I was like No, he said that? No, he didn't say that Oh, jeez It scared me He didn't say that But he wasn't like I know, what the hell? Yeah, that is a little scary That's a retarded shirt I might pick one up This is a good One of the dumbest things I've ever heard Trust black men Just a blankety Just trust all black men No matter what they say or do Don't Which, by the way OJ Is racist Cosby, of course That's racism To be like Black men are just a perfect No problems Blanket No, they're human beings Yeah, they're complex Some are rapists And murderers Right There's one on my wall Most are not Which one? Cosby Oh Not a murderer That we know of No, probably not It kills Oh, yeah We're used to But anyways And then I was like Oh, boy I couldn't figure out The child The barometer Yeah, yeah But no It was awesome And I was I was grateful to be Ah, I was furious Oh, I didn't even finish The Salicus Sorry So Salicus is like Woo Just getting out of that session now It's like 7.35 And I'm like Forget it This guy And he's like I gotta go drop the stuff He goes I think I missed my window So he's looking for an out Of course I think I missed my window And I'm like Missed my window What window? What are you, Eric Clapton's kid? We're in the second set And if this thing goes five sets And the women's goes three sets We'll be here till two o'clock In the morning Literally There's matches that end At 1.30 in the morning Yeah, he can make it And it's, you know 45 minutes And then he texts back Just got the best parking spot I'm not moving again For the rest of the weekend Which you're like And then Alon is like You can't drive here anyways Just jump on the 7 train Which is near his house And no response Which I also thought was dirty Just He was out And so you're like Alright I felt bad for Alon Cause this guy He buys tickets early He asked his buddies Stuck his money Stuck his money Stuck his money Stuck his neck out And then Goes out on a limb And says Hey, List is a He's friends with these guys He likes tennis I'll ask him This will be our first hang We threw your name out I'm sure I threw your name out too And said these assholes We threw it out We said he'll wanna go Yeah Well I did And I won't Alright, great So You know, I felt bad This guy set together a hang Now he's with stupid Pinsley And some stranger Making rape and race jokes Well He's a young boy And he's alert And these lessons in life He's our age Oh I don't buy it I need an identification card Oh, I started counting the ring I was like looking at his I was doing this When he said he was 42 Check the crow's feet The foreskin And I just found this He's a comedian Is that right? I didn't know that I thought he was like a cameraman Or something Handy nasty I know, I'm kidding I know he's a comic I've seen him around I've known him for a little while But we've never hung out before It's a very intimate setting I get it You're up there in Roex The wind is blowing You got a bird landing on your shoulder It's a different vibe Well, I was like If Pinsy doesn't get here I'm going to kiss this guy in the lips I mean, this is a first date Yeah, don't make eye contact Hey folks You got to go see a doctor I mean, I got to imagine Some of you guys are very unhealthy Probably have bad, stinky farts That keep coming up over and over again You got to go to a doctor I love going to the doctor And I love it because of ZocDoc This is a product I really use I can't live without it My skin doctor Whatever you call that My throat doctor My regular doctor doctor Spin doctor My butt doctor I have I've got from ZocDoc They make it so damn easy Even I can use it Let me see what they 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god You receive an additional 10% off And free Overnight shipping Overnight Wow On your first door It's like Santa Claus Visit BlueChew.com For more details And important safety information Thank you to Blue Chew For sponsoring our podcast And our bedrooms Yeah Back to the show So what's One time I had a New Year's Eve party The wife was pregnant We I'm not getting invited to this You were on the road You were in Miami or something No I haven't worked New Year's Eve In 10 years But anyways Keep going Either way We had a couple people over We had like a dinner For people in the neighborhood I invited you You didn't show up I think May invited me Actually I think she did She did Yeah yeah May reached out You lied I appreciate it You said you were coming Then you didn't come But So I had a party You know So Midnight's the big thing On New Year's So we had a party And we invite all these people Maybe 10, 11 people Elon showed up At like 5 I'm in the shower I'm jerking off I got a towel on my head I'm making croquettes In the oven I'm like He's like Hello And he went home And I'm like Ah shit I gotta bounce downstairs I'm all soaking wet And I'm like What are you doing here He's like I'm here for the party He brought a cake And a champagne He had a hat on It was bad Well Salik used to do that To me at my house Cause he got the invite wrong He showed up With his whole family And Stacy was horrified Oh yeah The same thing We were in our panties And the whole thing He shows up at 5pm And literally He's like We got another party So we gotta get out of here He left before the invite time Right Right It was like a 3 o'clock party He left at 2.54 Yeah And you could tell Stacy was like Oh my god Matthew You piece of shit Imagine dealing with that guy Every day all day Oh that's tough It is tough Well I will say Knowing Salik used to do pretty well I've been at his house Hanging out You feel like a 7 year old We're playing with toys We're watching movies We're eating ice cream And then his wife comes home And he pops He's like Oh hello Hello Stacy How are ya I did the dishes What do you need And he's a good husband He's a character Well he's the best He's one of the great hangs Stay at home He's out every night Well you know what I mean He stays at home during the day And texts me clips No he's the best And that's why I was excited To hang with him But he fudged me up But like I said It was a great hang And the match was fun We had some great lines And then we were trying To get on the camera Oh fun So then every break In the action The three of us were doing this We were doing an in sync Ah yes That's the key To getting on camera You gotta do this A synchronized dance But we were too high The cameras couldn't even See that high Well they can't have him on That's kiddie porn Putting that kid on there But uh No I was I was honored to be Invited and uh You know We'll do it again sometime Yeah sure I can't wait I've never gone I've never seen a tennis match I'm excited Well how were the sets Were they at least Killer No I'm rusty and gay And I'm talking about the head And nobody cares It's all pipes Well if you're wearing the hat I am Nobody thinks anything You're just a guy With a hat on But doesn't this hat Look ridiculous No that's the thing You think Really No it's like One of those things You always think To you it's different But to them They're just like Well there's a guy in a hat That's true I was wearing a hat tonight I guess the side buzz I'm so used to Not looking like this But they don't know Right Right That's the weird thing I was just talking about something like this. Hold on, let me. Let me rub this one at you. Yeah, please. So my kid had an awkward moment at the playground. I have a lot of those. We get a Kevin Spacey, yeah. So my kid has this school bus. He's obsessed with his bus. And he rolls it around. It's about this big. It's a big bus. You push a button, and it goes, the wheel's on the bus. Go ahead. It lights up. You had that? Yeah. Great toy. It's his favorite toy. And the wife had the boy, and I was out riding fences. And I came back, and I met up with him at a park, a different park. She goes, I left the bus at the other playground. This triggers me so much. Why? A kid losing. It's like my biggest thing. Yes, yes. It's so devastating. Same, same. Ah, a balloon or a thing. It's the thing that triggers me most emotionally in my life. Well, I have the same trigger. That's funny. Yeah. Like a bike getting stolen. A bike getting stolen, or one time, these kids stole my soccer ball. I was playing with a soccer ball. These kids just took it, and were like, fuck you. And I was just, how can anyone be so cruel? Oh, my God. An hour later, my brother shows up, and he goes, I got it back. Nice. I've never been more in love with a man. Never been. I got down on my knees. He's never done anything since. But that was, I'll never forget that moment. Well, there's some, because when you're a kid, it's like, your things are your friends. Yes. Your family. You're like, ah, that truck. Exactly. You know what it feels like in casting? When Wilson goes away. Yeah. And that feeling, and you're like. That's exactly it. I know that moment. I cried during that, by the way. That's why that's so triggering. It's that thing. So triggering. It's all you have back then. You don't have a car, or a pussy, or anything. Yeah. So, the bus. She goes, I left the bus. And I think her, she's a mom. She's in her 30s. She's like, it's a toy. And I go, no, no, no. He loves that bus. I'm going to get that bus. She goes, it's going to be gone. I left an hour ago. And I go, I'm getting the bus. So, I run to the other playground. And it's empty. But there's one kid. And guess what he's doing? Coming on the bus. He's pushing the fucking bus. Of course. Like, speed. Pop quiz, asshole. So, he's at the playground. Seven. I'm not good with ages. And he's pushing the bus. And he's loving every minute of it. He's pushing the bus. Pushing the button. He's rolling all over the place. And I go, there it is. And there's one couple at a bench. And I go, that must be his parents. So, I. I don't want to just kick the kid in the face and take the toy. Sure. Because I'm alone. I look like a psycho. I'm just walking up to kids at a playground and taking things. So, I go up to the parents. And I go, it's going to sound weird. That's my kid's bus. He left it. I came back to get it. So, I don't want to just take this kid's bus without some context. And they go. They're just some foreign couple. And I was like, oh, shit. Does the kid belong to them? No. Oh. It's just some random couple eating a sandwich on a bench. From Guatemala or something. So, I was like, oh, shit. And the races don't match up. So, I don't think they're together. So, I was like, oh, okay. That's even worse. So, I go, I just got to do this and get back. So, I just go, hey, hey, kid. That's my bus. I don't want to make a stink out of this. Let's just keep it cordial. Keep it diplomatic here. And he goes, he does one of these. Like, get away from me. Old man. And I go, I get it. This is a weird moment. Now, I'm reasoning with this kid like a fucking retard old guy. I'm like, hey, look. I know this is a strange scenario. And he's like, ugh. And he keeps walking away from me. So, now I'm like, okay. Reminds me of tomorrow. Paul O'Neill has to catch a ball in his hat. Yes, yes, exactly. So, I'm like, ah. I'm just kind of walking after him now. He's pushing away from me. Like, ugh. He's pushing the bus on the ground. And I'm just behind him. Trailing him. And I'm like, hey, I'm just going to take it. I'm just going to do it. It's so hard without the kid. I know. I know. It's a horrible look. Well, I've had this thought before. I wish you could have a hat or a pin that says, I have a kid. Because a lot of times, I'll start talking to kids now. That's good. Out of, not instinct, but habit. You're like, hey, little buddy. And the mother's like, oh, my god. It's a pedophile. And I'm like, no, no, no. I am a pedophile. But I have a son. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's like when the guy at the nightclub, goes, whoa, where are you going? He goes, my girlfriend's in there. And he goes, a lot of people's girlfriends are in there. Like, no, no, no. I have a girlfriend in there. Right, right. I just, you can't prove it. Uh-huh. So I had an idea. Because there's people milling about. But it's just me and this kid in the playground. Literally just two people on the playground, me and a child. It's a rom-com. And I'm like, fuck. The sun is setting. This is getting weird. There's people milling about. And I can see people like, what's up with that guy? Oh, they must be together. Or are they not together? Whatever. And I'm just trailing this kid. So now I pull my phone out. And I have pictures of my kid ready. In case someone goes, hey, stop that man. I go, ah. It's like a badge. It's like a badge. So eventually I go, all right, kid, I'm sorry. I don't want to be mean. I'm taking the bus. And he's doing like the, uh, uh. And I just go, eh. And I rip it out of his hand. He goes, ah. And I go, John, John. I ran away. Oh, wow. You're a hero. I mean, am I a hero to the flock cameras of Public Enemy number one? That's right. That's all right. You got to put the photo, put van with the bus, and I'll hold up today's newspaper and take a photo. Oh, that's good. And say, hey, this is my van. But I mean, the problem is, if you get home and you look, it's like, it's all black kids in there. And you're like, ah, shit. This isn't his. Oh, that's true. You know? That's true. I'm thinking of Rocky when they open the locker. And you know it's not his locker because there's black women in there. Yeah, exactly. I'm just playing my joke so I don't sound so racist. No, no. I got it. But yeah, that's true. Luckily, the kid was white. Thank God. I don't want to steal some black kid's bus. It's a weird look. Oh, if he's black, you just can't. You just got to go, hey, he stole that from my son. Right. Rosa Parks sat in the front. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I stole the bus. And I'm running home with the bus like, I looked like Steinville with the marble rye. I was like, whoo, whoo, whoo. And then you show up, and you're like, what a hero I am. What a dad. You go, here you go. And he goes, ah. And he just picks up a rock and throws it at a bird. He's got his own bus. And you're like, oh, fuck. Did you put his name in there? You got to put some initials in there. Oh, that's good. I'll do the name. Name is big. Name is big. Well, it's hard with the toys. And some parents, there's this one woman at the playground we go to, they're so good with sharing. She just brings like 50 cars, and everyone has them. And she's like, I'll just collect them. But I'm like, I'm so triggered. I don't want them to lose these cars that mean so much. It's going to happen. Yeah, my kid will just take two cars and just on the living room floor. And he's having a great time, just rolling them back and forth. And I'm like, this is a beautiful thing. I'm watching TV. And he's happy as a clam. Yeah. No, it's the best. But yeah, so I got the bus back. Ah, shit. I was going to say something else. I can't say I fell on that playground again. But we got it back. No, that's good. I mean, it is just devastating when you're loose. And you're like, well, we'll replace it. But it's hard to express that to the person. I know. I don't know why it just triggers me so bad, the idea of losing a thing you love. Well, you're in a nice sweet spot where you can reason with the boy. I'm still in, you saw, we had a great moment earlier. I brought the boy into the studio. And I went, Chuck, Chuck. And he goes, Cuck? Yeah. That was fun. I wish that was on camera. That's me. Yeah. But I can't, you know, you take food away or something. And he's like, what are you doing? And I'm like, it's empty. He's like, give me more. I'm like, it's empty. And he's like, ah, you're a bad dad. I'm like, no, it's empty. Right, right. Yeah, it's hard to understand things. It's very, it's funky. When did that kind of flip when he could kind of go, it's over, it's out, we're done with the ice cream. Or we'll go tomorrow. Or mom's coming later. Or, you know, you need to get some information. Well, it's still hard. I mean, he's three. So he's not like. He's not Gore Vidal. He's like, oh, yeah, great. That sounds good. Right. Yeah, it's all tricky and challenging. He's going to school in a week, which is going to be very exciting. It's starting to happen. Oh, my God. You're going to have, you're not going to, it's going to be like, you're getting an arm. You're going to have just such a, because you watch him every day. So when you get that free time, it's like, oh, my, I could write a novel. I could go skydiving. Well, especially now, the information I have now, I'm like, I can do things quick. I can get stuff done. It's exciting. I'm like, I'm going to nap and work. I'm going to be jacked. I'm going to have, I'm going to write three movies. I'm going to learn Spanish. I'm going to, you know, lose Chuck's virginity. I'm going to, you know, I'm really. Good luck with that. Well, the scary thing, though, is I had a friend. She sent her daughter to school. She was the sweetest girl in the world. Cute as a button. She came back from school smoking cigarettes, saying the N-word. I mean, switchblade, the whole thing. Yeah, well, that's the thing, too. And I was just talking to my friend who has two kids, and she was like, listen, it's traumatic because you're changing their routine. So it's like, expect, you know, extra tired, extra breakdowns, meltdowns, what do you call that? Whatever the fuck it's called. And you're like, oh, shit. Yeah. Because they're like, what are you talking about? You're leaving me. Now I'm dealing with other people, other kids. So it's like they start having, like, little meltdowns because they're like, my life has changed. You've got to get through that. Well, you ever think, you ever sit down and go, man, my kid's got the best life. He wakes up. I walk in the room. He's like, woo! He's so pumped. You bring him downstairs, cars, toys. You give him a great breakfast, blueberries and yogurt and all this shit. He's eating whatever he wants, crackers and cereal. And then he just puts his clothes on. We put his clothes on. We throw him in a stroller. He goes to the park all day. Plays, plays, plays. Comes home. Has a great dinner. Pizza, whatever, sandwich, bubble bath. Loves it. Punch him in the stomach, headlock, wrestle, couch, books. He loves books. Then he goes to bed for 12 hours. It's pretty good. That's a great life. They say, and this is one of those psychological things that's crazy, is they don't feel self-conscious and jealous and ego and all these things until they go to school. I know, but they have to do it. Then you send them to school, and all of a sudden they're like, why does he have that? I don't have that. Exactly. Why does he have two parents? Why does he have that person? Why does he have this thing? Now he took my two. Now I've got to share. That's when they first start comparing, which we're all still doing. The thief of joy. It's the first moment of reading comments. They're like, hey, he has that? Why don't I have that? What the hell is this? Before, they're just the center of the universe, and now the attention is shared with all these other people. I know, I know. That's the very beginning of self-consciousness. Yes, yes, and it's all kind of negative. I mean, there's some part you make a friend. Of course, yeah. You have a good relationship. You get some, what do you call that? Companionship. Camaraderie. Camaraderie. But right now, and we don't have to turn this into the Miss Rachel, but right now, he walks up to me with a book and goes, frog. And I go, yeah, frog. And he's like, yeah. He's going to go up to some kid and go, frog. And they're going to go, I don't give a shit. Yeah, yeah. Ribbit. So, yeah, that's scary, but it's got to happen. He's got to learn. Yeah, it's weird. And then also, it becomes traumatic to be like, all right, see you later. Go be in there for the day. Right. And you're like, oh, I'll get so much done. But then you're like, oh, I miss my kid. I know, I know. So we'll figure it out. Guess who got the cameras installed? I got this place on lockdown, Fatty. Oh, yeah, because the guy came when we were here. I had a crazy hobo come up the stairs and try to sell me magazines, and I thought about horse kicking him in the tits and knocking him right up. Boy, what a scene. What a scene that would be. I do a full donkey kick, and he goes back off the stoop. Yeah. Wouldn't that be something? I've visualized it many times, and it got me excited. Manifest. Destiny. So I got the Simply Safe. I don't know if they're a sponsor. I wish they were, because they are the best in the biz. Free plug, butt plug, hair plug. Simply Safe is the shit. I got the whole house wired. I'm up in my bed going, that's what's going on in the kitchen. That's what's going on in the kitchen. That's what's going on downstairs. You got cameras inside the house? Inside the house pointing at the door. Oh. And I got a doorbell. Son of a B out there, the ring. Well, you got to be careful when your wife's out of town. You get one of those phone calls, and you go, oh, my wife's a fat whore. You can hear that. Oh, shit. I've had this thought before, because we have the Nanette, which is like the nanny cam. Nanette Gadsby. It's like on the, whatever you call it. The crib. The crib. And I've been on the phone. Sarah's out riding fences, working, whatever. I'm just pacing on the phone. And you're like, oh, if she wanted, she could hear. And she gets notified when there's movement in there. Oh, yeah. So she could just listen to my phone conversation. That's terrifying. That's scary stuff. Yeah, yeah. I don't even like this being out on YouTube. No. So you got to be careful with those cameras, because if you have a, you know. Boy, I'm glad we talked. Good call. I'm telling you. Good call. Bad call. But yeah, it's just pretty cool, because my other trigger is home invasion. I have a thing where if the door opens, it goes, boop, boop. Kind of like a bodega. Ding, ding, ding. So I'll be upstairs, and I'm always like, did a guy just break in? What is that? But now, if I don't hear a boop, boop, I know no one broke in. Right. But what if they come through the window? Is there a boop, boop in the window? I feel like a window, you'll get a shatter. I hear a shatter. Possibly. But now this door, every time I come over here, this door is unlocked. Do you lock that door at night? Oh, of course. Yeah. At night. Oh, okay. And the gate's on. I've got that big metal flappy. Oh, okay. I meant this downstairs door, though. Oh, that's locked up like you wouldn't believe. Oh, because I get here at 9, 15, it's open. 11, it's open. But you come down and unlock it for the podcast. Yeah, for this. Yeah, yeah. And a gate. It's just always open. I lock that like P. Diddy. Oh, I didn't realize that. I see. That's done. But it is scary. A hobo could just, I don't want to get anything away. He could sleep in that little alcove for all he wanted. Right. Well, that's the thing. I was like, that's why I do love the city, because you feel safe in the city. You really do, weirdly. Like, out in the country, it's just. I'm the same way. You're hiding in your big house. Yeah. You knock on your door, show up. It's like that movie, what was that movie? Schindler's List. No. The Strangers. The Strangers, yeah. They're like, why us? They're like, you were home, which is one of the creepiest lines ever. So the scariest thing is the, eh, no reason. Yeah. I'm just crazy and I'm going to kill you. Yeah. You know, you killed my wife, or I hate you, or you fucked me over. That, I guess. I get, but, eh, just bored. How about those Idaho murders? It's like that. You're like, imagine that. You see a guy run through, and then, like, your buddy's getting fucking stabbed to death in the other room. Wait, wait, wait. Is this the girls? Yeah. Yeah. One boy and three girls, I think. Ah. He's just in the house, going from room to room, just stabbing the fuck out of your buddies. Good golly. Yeah. I would not like that. No. Nah. No, thank you. Anyways, well, this has been a wacky one. That is the lady. Day-by-day. Maybe it's Maybelline. So, anyways, yeah, we'll wrap this baby up. Join the Patreon. We've got all kinds of hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours of more for hours and hours. Remember Odenkirk? And if you like famous people, we had them back. We had Nikki Glaser. We had Chris D. We had Bennington. We had Tim Dillon. All these queefs out there. So, they're all famous now, and go see them. Even the youth, when they were struggling and young. Sal Volcano. Woo! Shane Gillis. Oh, my God. Soder and Ari and Michelle Wolfe. You name it. All these people were on. Yeah, that's right. And then I am in, I got a show in Guilford, New Hampshire. Not Guilford. Fucking Manchester. Some New Hampshire. Big show in New Hampshire. Seabrook. Seabrook, New Hampshire. That's September 19th, I think. Added a show in Toronto September 24th. Hey! Side splitters. My favorite. October 1st and the 3rd. Tom Dustin's doing that with me. Oh, my God. What a show. So, that'll be fun. And then Philadelphia Helium, October 22nd through the 24th. Of course, Skankfest in November. Got some other fun stuff coming up. And check out Tom Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian, by the way. It's six bucks. You can watch, own the movie. It's a great film. Great movie. And we're working on Skankfest, Doc, of course. And Punch-Up Live. The best thing you can do is go to punchuplive.com, sign up for our email list, and I'll only email you when we come to your town. Eh, that's fair. No spam, no bullshit. How do you work that out? You're not on there? Are you on there? Oh, Punch-Up. Sorry. Punch-Up, yeah. I missed that part. And then I put a new thing on YouTube called The Riff Special. It's just me riffing in Portland. This is some killer stuff. I was re-watching it. I'm like, this is the funniest thing I've ever put out in my life. Well, let's do it numbers. Yeah. Well, we'll see. Anyway, so come on out. Come on out, folks. Come out of the closet. I'll be all over the road. I want to apologize to Pittsburgh. I thought I could hack it. I'm an ox. I like to work. I hate being home with this hair, but I couldn't. I was bleeding at the airport, and my flight got canceled, and I just said, I can't do it. And my manager, who wants money, said, we got to call it. I've never seen you like this. Wow. So I went to Apollo. We were all sold out, and I liked that town. I was excited to go. But I will be back, and I rescheduled for next year. All tickets, what do you call that? Coming back. You know, not refundable. Re- Re- Not rescheduled. Redeemable. Redeem. Hey. Pill mill. Pill mill. All tickets will be honored. Honored. Trust Black Men. Thank you. What do you got, Choo Choo? Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. If you hated Ray, Ray is not on the podcast anymore. Beat it, Ray. That guy was dead weight. You always hated him. Every week he'd come in, Ray sucks. I can't do this show with Ray anymore. Congratulations, pal. Yeah, Ray's gay. I'm not saying. I hate Ray. I'm just saying if, you know, if you have your favorites. You were shitting on him. You never liked him. He wasn't. Yeah. We got reels of film of you shitting on Ray. Yep. He's gonna. Okay. But, yeah, he's not there anymore. So, you know, everyone has their favorites. And we're fully funded for the pilot. Wow. Which is amazing. The Tuesdays came out fully funded. But if you're interested in contributing to the film festival submission fees, which Joe knows can add up like a lot. Yeah. You know it. Yeah. Reach out. Reach out to me at Discount Chuck on Twitter or Instagram. Thank you. Thank you. Queef it up. We'll see you all in hell. Ray's all on. Thank you. God bless you.