#671 Three Blind Mikes

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hitter in the face of the surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfed up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah this Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy here we go look at that great American history x oh if I showed you that I look like sling bling yeah I don't want to see it you're like do you want me to see a photo I'm like no I don't you the only go said no every lives from the seller Sam tell everybody wanted to see it well I don't want to it's like when you if you're dying I'm not gonna come visit I can't see you like that I appreciate yeah let the good times I'll let the memory what is it remember the good times let the good times roll yeah the top of the head looks like a big swollen pussy like I want to see it I love a big swollen pussy I'll send you a photo with a hot dog next to it I mean it looks like somebody really slammed it well I feel like your rods and cones are screwed because you sent me the bandage photo twice in two different texts I did yeah you sent it to us and we had a bunch of comments and then the next day you sent it to me solo and I was like I already saw I can't give it the same lines again so I was like he's out of his dits I'm I am all medicated out I'm like Anna Cole Smith out here it's bad I'm Lindsey Clancy who was in the Cole Smith again was that OJs friend that's the big titted blonde did playboy she didn't she fuck somebody naked gun for 33 to third that's where I'm thinking OJ ah yes but wasn't she famously with somebody the old guy who was in a wheelchair she married the old guy huh she was like the first one to marry the old guy he croaks she gets the dough right right right right that's right and she's dead now big dead tits I kind of forget my my brain is getting all whacked out I can't remember who's who and what's what tell me about it I'm I'm sleep on a pillow I got I got me like a corpse I can't sleep my side I'm a side sleeper Jerry I'll be too I'm big fetal I'm all fetal all the time yes same all fetal position I'm a Tim Curry died the day of to Dalai part in both exactly 80 to dolly timing code of many colors yeah good old dog another big titted blonde yeah yeah how about he tweeted he's like I'm sorry but if everybody loves you you didn't take any chances and then everyone was like fuck you you big piece of shit fuck off boy people are retarded but the old anti dolly part intake whoo what a take everybody's off the reservation you got to have a you got to have a hot thing now because you got to make it about you let me get the attention it's so we have also there's many many many beautiful wonderful artists that didn't have some crazy controversy of course of course terrific terrific artists I thought that's what we were going for well you got to have a controversy now all right you got to be you got to say something you got to piss someone off also it's funny because I never respectfully nice guy but you're like a lot of these people what if they have controversy the wrong way that's what I'm saying what if they were like what if what if she was like fuck fuck Palestine I hope they all die right that'd be a controversy would you be happy with that well that's Jerry but Jerry Jerry never said that but it'd be like saying well Cosby he took some chances yes you know or hey how about Harvey yeah he was going for it although they're alive but you know what I mean yeah and Cosby I think in his work wasn't controversial true just oh I think it's conscious that he pretend to be a doctor evidently wasn't really a doctor and a guy know at that oh on the show but in real life he was going by doctor Cosby he's doctor customizable and doctor Cosby well and back in the old days to the eighties they would just give you a doctor it remember that they'd be like you did some good work a hell of a comics TV show come on in and get your plaque I think it's like sir yeah we have doctor they have sir we have doctor doctor John doctor hook big sir doctor uh John I already said him oh doctor if Papa doctor give me the news I got a bad case love and you doctor my eyes in the slow parade of tears without crying yeah um great lie unwise I was always thinking how's he gonna rhyme that unwise hmm that's good well he's the best the little actual best you think so I think so all right well is prime to prime Jackson brown they're top two for me what's matter check checks to and math out loud over there this is this is my pressure to check just out what's going on nothing yeah well like one fucking shut your mouth then prime number I was writing down the number of the episode oh he said it hello yeah 61 definitely definitely 61 more than uh 86 toothpicks no dolly dolly's out but dolly her big tits shadowed Hayden Pena Terry Hayden Pena Terry who's that she was a Disney whore who uh who who killed herself Salvador Dolly Parton uh I didn't know about that uh she died about a week before Dolly oh yeah I thought it was a drug overdose well I think it was self inflict too many drugs yeah she had a she had some problems well dolly rules she's like con I mean so many great songs code of many colors Jolid I will always love you nine to five uh rainbow something there's a rainbow I forget that name of that summer I like it bright rainbow of assholes reading rainbow that's it something like that yeah she had a book club she was in some some flicks uh she tried to Elvis was such a big fan of and uh yeah and she was a fan Elvis and he was like can I can I sing your song she was like of course I missed a king you sing your song you can eat me out whatever you want and the the big-hoss manager cut that guy yeah the the the crook crooked guy Hick Colonel the Colonel Sanders he goes whoa whoa if Elvis singing your song he gets the money and she was like well it's my son why why would I pay him and she's like he's like well it's Elvis you got to you got to pay Elvis's singing she goes well then I'm keeping the song so Elvis didn't get to do it cut to 30 years later Whitney uh Whitney what are you coming she goes I'd like the song here's some money and dolly goes you got it blacky and she gave her uh 10 million which I much preferred dollies very much sadder version if you ever listen to dolly it's like a sad lady it sounds like she's just in a room by herself crying Whitney great but she's like whoa she's like big sounds and stuff I like the Whitney yeah I want to give we're gonna do it let's do it I know but it's two grand it's the same with with the little half of my friends beetles versus cock her he's like oh yeah sad ass ringo jerking off by himself I'm with you by the way Whitney she had pipes what do you mean crack by oh crack by I was thinking Whitney coming switched over my little motion by the way for the people at home it's 8.58 in the morning I know my kids in a coffin right now oh boy wait no what I just mean I got him tied up I can't I can't do two at once so I had a time to the radiator where's the fucking lady what time does she get here I told her that kick rocks she hit him so I fired her oh nice good for you thank you uh what what what are we talking about I don't know what the fuck I'm in all over the road I got no notes I was on the way over here I'm like I don't even have a single note but I come up with some stuff here yeah you got a new haircut yeah you do a pastel here I just throw stuff on this got jizz on it this is good come on it I can't tell what's going on like magenta is this a grimace I'm not sure it's all fabletics by the way fabletics we love fabletics these people it's like we're being pranked yes I get a fucking Santa Claus bag worth the fabletics every day oh yeah have I my landlord or whatever the fucking call it door guy is like what's going on up there who's whose fabletics why you wearing all this stuff I mean I got hats one Z sunglasses it's never in soups tube tops high socks low socks pantyhose you know you feel I feel like wiley coyote you know he would come home be like ah I got my box to kill the road runner every day I come home there's a giant bag I'm like ah I have my tools it's crazy and then my kids like I got a new toy I'm like no I got 75 pairs of zipper pants yeah yeah there's no tools and toys it's panties and zip-ups and fish nets I gotta move just like and fit all the fabletics so thank you fabletics so this is all fab all the time yeah the fab five but where you been I mean I haven't seen you since 85 well this is the problem with the hair situation everybody I've talked to is like you crazy I took two weeks off I shut the the blinds I turned the lights off I locked the door oh that was dry and yeah better and so they're like what do you nuts so I did two pods yesterday two shows I wanted to go to yours but I just couldn't I was on the subway like this I got the hat I look like a serial killer I look like a guy in the 80s who's like just got out of prison you look just like Joe Madose who runs the comedy QS comedy club oh really you look like you walked in I thought it was madose I'm sorry madose but I'm doused in ointment here and it's that Pretty but it's been hell on earth. I'm not an upkeep guy Jerry. I don't bathe. I don't wash my hands I don't wipe my ass. I don't upkeep Mmm. I mean I wipe my ass, but you know what I mean like a wash after the ass wash You don't have to say it. Yeah. Yeah. I have to do two episodes of baths a day two shampoo's a day I have to ice my head six times a day. I have to do a Noxodill bullshit in the back. I mean, it's so much a full-time job. Did you look into any of this before zero research? And we took this off air every single person. I mentioned this to you was like Mark Norman. He's has hair Well, I agree. I had hair, but I have curls You can fluff with a curl. You fluff the curls I fluff the curls so when you see my hair wet. I won't I won't dunk it a pool. I was like Trump I wouldn't dump I couldn't dunk because it would reveal everything. Uh-huh So When they when I show you the photo inevitably, uh-huh, you're gonna go holy shit They they put a lot of hair on your head. Yeah. All right. I can't wait. Just I'll see the final product I want to watch the BTS feet up pussy if I like it Maybe I'll look at the behind the sea. It's like you don't watch behind the scenes of a movie you haven't seen That's true. No one's like let me put on the DVD extras before I watch this film. Yeah Well eight-hour surgery you go in at 6 a.m. They pop you three ambient to bike it in and a plan B and you lay in a chair They put on Emily in Paris and they just start stabbing your head No, I get to pick while I was out. I was out the whole time watching the film. They watch the movie in Giggle and they go And at one point they wake up and they go hey, hey, you got a pee and you're like I do have to pee because you've been laying there for four hours So you get up you pee. No catheter. No. No, I hate a calf. They waddle you back the lay back down They they put back on Emily in Paris and they put you the more holes in your head and then they wake up You again in seven hours ago. You got a pee and I went I'm good. You know you should do grow your hair out You should have long hair. Well my hair goes up. You could straighten. They do things like people do the stuff from a Sam Jackson and Jackie Brown What if I can't William? So I would buy back in bridge and fund so you could go up you go came in I could go kay I mean, are you excited to and where this product and swap and do stuff? It's such a nightmare and when I take this hat off I look like such a lunatic that escape from a prison in Alabama in the forties that I just Can't even think about I just want to get through this. It's two weeks of boot camp. Yeah, it's hell Hell on earth the wife. I can't have sex. I can't I can't exercise I can't get the head then the heart pumping. Oh No, no shoes show. I'm gonna have to I'm gonna go stool. Can you go Mitch Hedberg? I'm going headberg Wow staring at the floor glasses heroin That's it Wow, this is crazy. It's a nightmare. Nobody talks about this part like that's because nobody I think people do it in secret I think they just disappear and come back with a head of hair. Yeah, all these pussies out there. They hid I'm on camera with this shit This is gonna haunt me for the rest of my life. Right. Well, you look normal right now really guy with a hat on no way It's a high hat with the sides open. I mean, you look like it's your first time wearing a hat. Okay, I'll take that Yeah, you always look a little retarded, but I'm gonna be on the plane like this Oh, cuz you can't lean back. Can't lean back. I just saw a little snippet of the back. Oh, yeah, what's the what's going on in the back? Looks like a a new clam. Yeah, I don't like it. All right. Looks like baby push. I don't like it one bit. All right So you just have you have like a baby like a birdie. I'm not birdie. Bert nerdy. I can mine them. I'm I'm Bert your Bert Yeah, that's what Mason the same thing. Should you look like Bert? Wow. Yeah, so free Bert you're the cookie monster Bert Christy Bert. Yeah, so it's been hell. I'm sorry. I had to unload on you. I'm venting, but can you check off? Yeah, I'll get the blood pressure up and I'm doing it very casually like in a like in a concentration camp. So I don't get caught That's now we're off on a topic. Did anyone jerk off in the concentration camp? You think you got a save energy, but it must happen Save energy, but I'll see what I'll release true But as I'm at when I get really stressed the first thing I want to do is jerk off and I imagine the concentration It would be pretty stressful and as nude women everywhere too by the way They're not looking their best. Yeah, I think they separated the men in the women From the foot of jumps. See you can get a gay out there. I mean statistically. It's got to be some homosexual Jews must have been a few gays Yeah, absolutely, but you are shacked up with a bunch of their sleep on those cats. So it's hard to really Crank now. I'm saying it's certainly there wasn't above, but there must have been one guy must have million people Not to mention the survivor. They might be like 10 million people. Oh, yeah, out of 10 million. There must have been Three guys beat off easily Crazy that tattooed flying oh, all right. Well, this is easily the most crass Topic. I don't know easily. I mean the early days of the show forget about it We did about 10 minutes on a big big genocide in Japan there. Well, it's good to be back China, but the funny thing is I like the guy who tunes in like oh, wow, we got hit the hair sir Let me let me watch that. Whoa. We're off on a holocaust jerk. Yeah, yeah, what can you do? All right So good to be back. I long for the old days. I miss my my life. I bet you think oh, I got a baby I do the row. We got bugged. You think got it so hard Then you throw a wrench in the gear and it just makes makes you realize how good you had it So when when what what is the is it throbby or buzzy or nummy right now? What's the sensation up top right now? Sensitive sensitive if an eight corn fell on my head. I'd have to lay down for an hour. Oh, wow I mean, it's uh, I'm chicken little Gee, yeah, it's bad. It's bad. So the night is bad. You have to gently massage That was me helping is she going hey, let me put the creams on. You're a good man. I rub your feet touch it dick A little she picked me up like an abortion. Okay. That was nice. I had the turban on. I got the the fist from the muslim That was nice in the uber. He gave me a cross. I I got in he was like You could be muslim. I could be buzz. Yeah, yeah, I thought you could play a muslim in a comedy. Okay comedy Drama that that that sniff you out and be like get this guy out of here. If you're doing a sketch She put a turban on and a beard And I can wear sandals and fly a plane for a short amount of time. Yeah short flight. Yeah, we're a vest So she picked me up and I I'm not a healthy guy. I try to I feel guilty enough Because I have to be so I'm going to bed at 10 I'm pampering I'm complaining. So I feel bad enough. I see. So I don't want to ask you for anything. That's nice. But yeah, so Got it all out in two weeks. We're gonna look back But when you're in the throes of it, it's really hell. Well, I was think that when people have like Ryan Hamilton For example gotten the bus got hit by a bus Oh, uh, there's guys that like you don't pay attention to the recovery. You watch a football game a guy gets his head Fucking spleen cut and half feet to death or UFC boxing. You watch a guy at the end of the fight his face looks like Paul Dano Prisoners. Yes, and then the next time you see him he looks fine. Exactly. So you're like, oh wow nice recovery dude And he's in a fight again. Yeah, but we missed the part where there's ice picks on his dick and ice packs on his ass Exactly. He's you know, he's in rehab and he's in the swimming pool I mean, how many UFC fights where they just fight they get the bagbeaten out of him then six months later You're like, all right, uh Gage is fighting again. Yeah, it looks normal. And you but see these guys are smart They go. I got to recover cinematics smoothie feed up BJ right. I'm the idiot doing pods. I'm going to Pittsburgh today. I got three shows on Saturday, which I didn't realize I got a three o'clock Oh, so I am fucked and what about the air pressure on the plane? Is that going to be an issue? It feels like it wouldn't be great Big issue my ears pop when I'm on a plane had to lie about the plane So they said are you flying? My Mary pop is of course not. I'm staying right on the ground now. Have you asked chat GPT or Google or Gives what's gonna happen to you skull when you go 40,000 feet what 35,000 feet above your head you asshole You said I'm a bitch, but bastard. There it is. Thank you. Now I thought about this I need bring this up because you're you're a prickly peep, but I'm turkey for my friend. Oh, okay. Well, that's very nice turkey. Everybody goes to turkey Rich sandwich and they all come back looking like mega mind, you know, they get the big old pinky in the brain They're flying I support, but are they in turkey for two weeks at the sauna getting their asses kissed Maybe well, we got it. We got it Chuck. Chuck on the One phone find out head surgery. What's the procedure called Hair plugs Hair plants I don't know hair plants hair plants hair plants hair plugs hair plugs hair plugs hair plug for a cable guy That's do you think that's it hair plugs hair? These hair restoration. If you really yeah, it's probably some bullshit It's probably you know like Rhino Plasty, but you put nose job in chat GPT is gonna Know what the fuck you talk about. Thank you Put in hair restoration hardware flying. Yes Is it okay to oh wait. There we go. All right. It says flying is generally okay after a hair restoration If you mean a hair transplant, is that what you get? Yeah, I think so trans. It's a short flight is usually okay. Sure fly Pittsburgh's like 80 minutes. Well, yeah, right? It's nothing. It says be careful in the first 48 hours. So you're good. All right, you're good Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday, Saturday, pay for money. Okay. So we're good. Yeah, you're fine. All right. You're outside of the window. You're gonna be great. Hallelujah. I think you go. You do seven shows or eight show. Whatever it is, you come back Sunday. You're gonna have a fist full of money. Your hair. We'll have four more days or whatever. Some people will bring you some narcotics. You're gonna feel like a new man. Thank you. Boy, thank you for it. You're the only guy who's been nice to me. Sunday's gonna be primo. Everybody's been giving me shit. Punch me in the balls, fisting my ass all. So I appreciate the positivity. Well, I also think Jin general in life, when you're dealing with a thing, particularly at home, then you go do some other stuff. You see some other faces, get some fresh microbiome, different atmosphere. You know, you bump into a heckler, a guy, a door man, the opener. You go through some stuff. Yeah. The time you come back, you're like, oh, this is great. That's true. It's like it's like kind of when you have the shits and then you go on stage, like stage health. Here's it right up. I think it's actually maybe the best thing for you. All right. All right. Well, hey, I don't know if you're being sarcastic, but I'll take it. I'm serious. All right. Great. I need it. I mean, physically, I can't speak for it. It might be the worst thing that's ever happened. Big mistake. Physically. But yeah, I'm just gonna sit in that hotel room, like Howard Hughes pissing a jar and watch back to the future. Now who you got opening? I got a guy named Razor Wadney. Razor Wadney Ray. Oh, well, he's a he's a polock from these local. Oh, okay, they're all polocks. A little lock. Yeah, he's a local polock. I was, I thought his name was Razor. I didn't like the sound of that one bit. Yeah, I've had enough of those. No more raises for me, but Razor's edge, but he's he's a local guy. He's a Yinzer, so he's done you the hotel. Okay, that's gonna be nice. Yeah, yeah, so shit. I had a thing to say, but I can't remember, but I do have next weekend off. Okay. So I'm really gonna just play with the boy and he keeps trying to touch it. That sick fuck. I bet. Yeah, because you know, why wouldn't he's like, what is this doll hair? I like dolls. I think it can be traumatic too. And you get your head all shaved. They're like, who's this guy? Yeah, it's like when they shaved the beard in those videos, but I showed up and he went, which was very painful. I see you don't want to scare your boy. No, no, you don't. But kids are nice because if you're ugly, they still love you. That's true. Good news for check. Oh, oh, Jesus. You don't even have a kid shot fired. All right, Rupert. Call him ugly. He doesn't care about the kid comment. Oh, sorry. I mean, he is ugly, but he doesn't need to hear it. The love of God. He had to fight the late mini women. I'm kidding. You look great. Yeah, I'm suspicious of that. It's insane that you think it's not true. I think it's full. I think he's full of baloney pictures. I know. I've seen the pictures and that makes me more convincing. But I can't just get a picture. That's true. I get a picture of Celine Dion. Doesn't mean I ate her out. I mean the pictures. Hey, wait a photo shot. Forget about it. 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Yeah, she's got a house of St. Louis. Greg Warren lives in St. Louis. And I went to the show. I did the Westport funny bone, which is just a throwback. You talk about back to the future. It's like hopping into Delorean. You go in there. It's that dark red because it's mixed with calm and black. Black soot smoke from these patty still smokes. How about this patty legendary waitress still there still there. She's been there for 150 years. Wow, 155 years old. She's been there forever still smokes at the end of the show lights up a cigarette. And afterwards she goes, you know who you look like. This is not good. This is you're going to you're going to follow up. Your wig's going to fall up. Elmo. I go. I don't know. Who do I look like? Here we go. You look exactly like Charlie Daniels. The musician. Both Charlie Daniels. Well, first of all, everyone immediately goes, what the fuck are you talking about? He's 300 pounds. He's got a beard. He's sweaty. Where's a cowboy hat? And she goes, yeah, no, not the singer. The comedian Charlie Daniels. I don't know. We're all going out. I don't know Charlie Daniels. The comedian. And then she goes, no, Chad Daniels. He goes, dead on perfect match for Chad Daniels. I'm like, sorry, Chad. Are you out of your mind? I hope he never hears this. I got graveyard teeth. The jawline of a chicken, my forehead is 75 feet high. I got glasses. Chad Daniels is a hot stud of a dill. He's married to the hottest comedian of all time. I'm married to number two. But I'm like, she goes, look at him. And now this is the problem with all these. You look like them. They bring out the whole staff and get a lot of it. Charlie Daniels everybody. Steve, take a look. Come over here. Paddy thinks Joe looks like Chad Daniels. So then it becomes a roast. It's like I'm on a corner in Harlem at midnight. It's like, look at this motherfucker. This motherfucker don't look like no Chad Daniels. I'm like, I know. I don't look like Chad Daniels. You look like a motherfucker. You're not the son of a bitch. I have a son. All right. Yes. I know Chad's a hot motherfucker piece of ass. Yeah. But I don't go in. All right. Everybody. Have a good time. And she's complimenting me. I mean, you should take it. You should take it. Of course I'm taking it. I would love to look like Chad Daniels. He's like a hockey playing fistfighting mountain man. And one of the best comics, as is his wife. They're a power couple for God's. They're special by the way on Netflix. Kelsey Cook. Check it out. I forget the name of it. I don't even know if I forget the name. I don't even know if I ever saw the name of it. But she's very funny. Also Zach Amigo and Tim Butler. He both have half hour specials out. Bring the pain that you do. But only special. I watch. It's great. He's hilarious. He's a funny guy. He's Twitter is really good. Yeah. But by the way, another beef. All my I got a lot of beef. You know, blind Mike. This fucking piece of shit. And lead to the skanks. Yeah. Yeah. He's blind. He's always walking around. He puts a camera in your face. Yeah. Salicy. Different. Different. You might be blind. He's the full of jumps. Yeah, the filming would say so. Well, blind Mike comes up. He goes, Hey, it's always gets you when you leave it. You're on your way out of the club. Hate the leaving get. And he goes, Yeah. Can I grab you for we're making a doc about these specials? What are you? What do you have to say about comedy specials? And I go, Oh, we shouldn't even do comedy specials. There's too many. You're doing a special. You should kill yourself. All right. Good night. I got to go home. Thank you. He puts this in some doc. Now this video is of Nick Mullin being like, fuck him. He's done five specials himself. We've got a kill. Nick Mullin's like, we need to murder Joe. Now I got people writing that me being like, we're going to kill you because the Nick Mullin you got a feud going and then butterlies. Like fuck joley put out nine specials this piece of shit jeez. That's fucking stew It's all cuz stupid blind Mike takes me going ah shouldn't even do comedy specials And then three blind Mike he goes well I need more advice and then I give earnest advice Nice stuff earnus be world cuts that out Now I'm just it's all the hot clips gutches. Well, we're gonna put that link right here just to keep it going So blind Mike suck my ass. Well, I see him today. He's like hey, thanks for doing it It was a big help, but I'm like you fuck me. You fuck me Mike. I got I'm getting death threats cuz you're your piece of shit damn Well mullin one after cruising Joe. Yeah, well, you what are you gonna do jeez mullin. He's a he does a kung fu I know some kung fu. Okay kung fu to kung fu. Julie Numa. Thanks for everything But anyways, I'm only kidding blind. No, I'm gonna see blind Mike. He's gonna be crying. He wants the music True, but anyway, so yeah, I look like Chad Daniels. Hey, I think more Charlie, but I'll take it I mean, I feel I feel bad for for Chad. We don't look alike, but it felt great I mean, that's the hottest guy I've ever been compared to. Yeah, I mean, maybe Chad Daniels after subject Daniels, but patty She's old. I love patty. She's awesome. Anyways, the club is great, but it's got those dirty carpets hot frowls the old sign Love it and it's just a fun place to be and I had you know this guy Luca Pharaoh. You know Luca. Now you brought him up last time He's wonderful. He's a real Dago real Guinea Chicago Guinea guy. Wow this guy. He's 30 years old He smokes the guys. We had a nice cigar time this guy bites a cigar and nods on it for like 10 it's like he's like 85 He's like quint from the jobs. Yeah, we're gonna need a bigger boat Yeah, he's he's just nodding on his cigar like a psycho. So we had a great time. He emcee. He's out there doing a movie Steve Burns making a movie Oh, yeah, so Lucas out there making the movie self that was false head just popped up Oh, that hurt so we put it you're taking a shit your head goes flying up I don't know anyways So look is out there we're smoking cigars. He's chewing on the cigar now this guy. He's one of these guys I would give it all up to be a hot guy If I could be hot for a year Man, it's a different life these guys are living. I know you're Jeff Daniels He shows up. He's got all these threads. I got like guinea threads. He walks like like he's like he's a nice fever Yes, and I got Matt Wayne's featuring Luke is gonna emcee and you know you get a lot of fucking shit head emcees out there So you're like all right this week we got a buddy of mine. We got a real guy. He's a comic. He's funny I know him. He's got to be fantastic. We meet up. We go to the Mexican place right next to the club I go Matt. This is Luca. Luca. Matt you guys gonna be working together and you go. Yeah. All right. So we sit down We're waiting for the food We met he we met up six seconds ago hot blonde walks up. She goes excuse me. Are you single to Luca? Obviously give me you single Yeah, I got I got I got to get your number you're the hottest guy I've ever seen in this town ever she goes You got to be visiting you got to be visiting and he's like yeah, yeah, I'm from Chicago. I live in New York Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. This is crazy. Let's get numbers here. She's like you're single. Wait. What are you how long you in town for? I don't know three days just three days will do you kid? I swear to God. It was like I was like a punk It was like a movie oh my lord. Who the fuck is this guy? And he's you know He's sitting all cool Indian style. He's got you know Chris Cross apple come whatever he's sitting here like that. Yeah, all right and the girls hot booty shorts Hat fucking blonde hair Well, this guy up and she goes. Yeah, yeah, it gets the number and then she text she goes, hey, hey, baby And he's like hey, babe. He's calling her babe Wow, he gets free pie. Oh my I've never seen anything like it in my life I've woman approach him and then the Thursday night show there's some woman there. She's a stripper She comes up afterwards and is like hey, what are you doing after this? He's like, I don't know. I'm gonna get a it doesn't drink I'm gonna get a non-alcoholic beer. She goes, well, I have a non-alcoholic beer with you. He's got two women one on each arm Oh my first night and he's emcee it. Oh my god. I've never heard of such a thing This guy this course is party that's like hey lady. Yeah, I'm the headline. I look like Charlie Daniels over here Come on exactly The bag and guilty cook so it's crazy and he's just out talking to women He's got all the ladies coming at him. Wow. You got to give me the dentist felt cone. What's his last name? Luka Federal F.E. R.O. Wow Man, this is unbelievable. And he's funny too by the way and funny. He's funny. He's tall long Beautiful hair the kind of hair you get surgery for a beautiful man. Holy shit. Yeah, it looks like a magician It's a little gay, but all right. He's good. Well the ladies are approaching him at a table in St. Louis So he's doing all right. See that's the key if you're a hot guy go to an ugly town That's an ugly city right there. I got a move to St. Louis. Yeah, well you'll fit right in But I'm just saying oh Yeah, he is cute. He's a handsome. I mean, I don't know why his hands on his face like that He's got another pussy in my face. Oh, oh, you see on Nate land. I guess so how do you get hooked up with Nate land? Well, specials are over these guys. They pretend to not be doing well when you see him because they want help Peyton Ruddy that pimple he does the same thing Peyton Ruddy is like, uh, you know I'm an open-micor if you can just take me along. It would really be great. I look at his Instagram He's got 75 million followers. Yeah, I'm like get the hell out of here. I got to help a homeless person help you help me Yeah, throw me something mister help me help you but anyway, he's okay. He's a cute guy But I just I was astonished. It was just she threw herself right at him. Wow Wow, so this is a what cheesecake fake? No, this is that KPK with a little Mexican place You should be fuzzy tacos now. It's KPK or something He's gonna be knee-deep and fuzzy tacos later, but that was a whopping fingers. It'll be some PK pussy kitchen But anyways, yeah, holy alright Luca. So Luca Luca. I mean, that's just a cool name, too Right what's your name? If you're drawn to a man who's hot and sexy and mysterious and you walk over and you go By the way, what's your name and he goes Luca? Yeah forget about it and you would say Lou every girl's name is shelly Roberta patty get out of here. I'll bloke I will say this the woman was like ah tomorrow is no good though. I'm gonna be hammered Oh, I like every morning. Yeah, yeah, she's a she's a mess, but hammered get bang hammered. I think it's just weird if you're trying to get laid and your thing is like I can't hang tomorrow I'm gonna be completely blackout drunk. I think she said blackout I'm going on a concert again. It's weird to just declare that's true. I'll be blacked out tomorrow All right, well, I guess we'll talk the day after you're black after her claims gonna look like my head I mean, he's gonna repound her well blackout in general should be an accident good point You should be like I'm going out drinking with some friends and then the next day is like I fucked up I got blackout drunk right when you're planning a blackout You got some problems. Yeah, yeah, but I've never in my life I've been like tomorrow night. We're gonna get together. We're gonna blackout. She's clearly an impulsive lady though She's approaching strange Waptego guineas on the street. Well, I think she was a little blacked out when she walked up But still I mean just sight unseen. Whatever that term means just Blind Mike. I guess sight sight seen unseen as you haven't seen right Well, whatever New York City blackout good for good for Roberta that feel bad about the blind Mike Should I take it out who cares? I'm sorry blind Mike. I fucked you. He did fuck me a little bit. I don't I don't care for it What are you gonna do he's blind? Oh? Is he really blind? He's blind. Is she's got like one eye he walks around like this You know he's like legally blind I think He's got these guys that reads a cute cards like this. I see I see. Okay. He's gay and weird. He crowdserves at Skankfest You know, he's always around. All right. I can't wait to meet him. No, you've seen him a million times He's at every podcast. He's like right behind Lewis all the time. Oh, okay. Pull up blind Mike You know blind Mike Chuck. I know the name the name. He's always got a backpack. He's this tall Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you talk around all the time Yeah, he's always there. He's got a wacky eye. He's like legally wacky. Yeah, he walks around I mean, he doesn't have a cane or something, but he's got like a Lewinsky eye. He just got hit with a load No, that's a normal handsome guy That's also blind Mike. Wait, was that blind Mike? Yeah, that's blind Mike. Oh, you have a long line game Mike. Oh, yeah, then there's Mike rock No, I think it's blind Mike is I think there's two blind mics three blind mice. I think there's two blind mics I think so as look up gas digital blind Mike because that guy also is blind Mike and he reviews podcast He's a big comedy fan. Oh boy. Pretty sure Okay, oh boy, this is just a check just gave us to keep talking. That's never good. All right Yeah, yeah, this is there's literally two blind mics. There you go. We should get a third. We got to get a third Oh, yeah, I don't know. He's a little you know, maybe he'll get Working to oh, so wait a minute. Tell us about the vineyard because I got very little not the vineyard then tuck it Excuse me, man tuck it. Oh, big a good suck it man. I got to tell you this place is magical. It beats the VIN By a mile by country mile. Oh, you were right fatty. I mean this place is I don't want to - I wanna go on a list here. This is one of the best vacations I've ever done. - Well, I've said it for many years. If I had all the money, the Shane money, the Kevin Hart money, yeah, tuck it's where I'm going. - The Portnoy, you'd go Portnoy. - What's that mean? - He moved there. - Oh, yeah, with his pizza and his girlfriend. But this place is magical. Right when you land, the air is better, the food tastes better, the cobblestone streets, the windy roads, the beautiful homes, the beaches are unbelievable. You feel like you're in Milan or-- - Yeah, it's a pizza or one of those. - Malican beach, it's all conservation. It's all conserved and there's no corporations. - And I hate corporations, other than Starbucks, Chipotle, McDonald's and Coca-Cola. - That's a good point. But the vineyard had one dairy queen right on the main road. This has gotten up to all mom and pop, all handmade, all trinkets, all cute, all old whale money, Jerry, it's all built on skim rum or whatever they call it. Skim tram? When you call that, when you make something out of whale bone. I think they call it skim tram. - No idea, what's the skim? - Skim, skim milk, I can't remember. But the beaches were incredible. You drive out there, it's all forest. - That's the best. - It's incredible. And so we do all these great meals. We take the boy, we go to the beach, we punch each other in the stomach, we're playing sports, we're getting sun. And then the last day, her family's out there, that's why we went. Her family goes, they got a house, whatever. We had dinner at the house, you know you love that, you get 12 people, you all cook at dinner, drinking, music playing, you know, - It's all I ever wanted. It's all I ever wanted my life. - But it's like the big chill. So the last night they go, we hired a chef. - Whoa. - He's gonna do a cookout on the beach for just us. - Wow. - And I'm like, whoa, what is that? - Were they running coke? - Yeah, who do you, Jeff Bezos? Like how much money does that cost? 500 bucks all in. There's 12 people there, that's nothing. - 500 bucks each. - No. All in. - They got a private chef and the most exclusive island in America for 500 bucks? - Wow. - Well, who'd they get to cook? Salicus? - Well, that's the thing. They got blind mics out there. - Blind mics out there. - 500 bucks. - But you get got a haircut in New York for 500 bucks. - I swear to God, it was a guy with a baseball hat and basketball shorts. And he had a big old grill. It's the guy with a grill. - He got Nate Parkats, he cookin' dinner. - It's this brilliant kid. He started, I don't know what I'm doing here. He started a business where he just sets up on the beach. He puts chairs in a circle. Then he digs a hole in the middle of the chairs, throws a bunch of firewood. Boom, lights it on fire. Right on the beach. - Like a point break. - Yes, point break. I'm so cold. Fire on the beach. He's got steaks on the grill. He puts, uh, s'mores going with the kids. One kid fell in, he's dead. But the steaks were cookin', he put shrimp out there. You put the shish kabab with veggies. Best night ever. The kids are playin', they're running around. You dip your feet in the ocean. The sun is setting. The wind is in your hair. Your sand is in the toes. Unbelievable, I'll show you photos. - Boy, I mean, this kid, this is quite a good racket because everything in Panantucket costs $75,000. You undercut, you go, hey, 500 bucks, I'll cook your kid. - Exactly. - That's pretty good. - Cooking kid and kids stays good, good meat. And man, it was just a magical night. You got a beer in your hand. I'm sittin' on a launch here, eating steak and shrimp and veggies. Kids got a skewer, hugin' the wife. Best night ever and I had to fly out of there and go straight to Nashville. Wow, unbelievable. So, that's a great night. Panantucket is the best, you get a bicycle, you can just zip all around the whole fucking island. Beach, did you go to Millies? - Yes. - Love Millies. - Add to do Millies. - Got to love the mills. - Also with the billies. - Millies and billies. - Yeah, billies the steakhouse there. Good little rivalry, Million Billy. - But it's pretty cool 'cause they fly direct from Chicago. So I did protect our parks. Hangover, we had to celebrate DeRosa's special coming out. What's that called? That didn't promise you a rose garden, yeah. Very good special, really funny. One of my favorites of the year. Flue out of Austin, went to Houston did a weekend there at the improv, killer. So you feel good 'cause you got your work in. We did the protect our parks, we did Houston. Flue out of Houston, got to Chicago, changed planes, flew directly to Nantucket. I'm there. - Wow. - They pick you up in the airport and you go, "Woo, you live it up for a week." - That's dynamite. The beach is the whole thing. And then I just ate shit, drank for a week straight. And then that last day, fire on the beach, burned the kid, fly out the next morning in Nashville. - Right, Nashville before the hair. I keep forgetting, I'm keep wondering when the hair happens. - Well, Nashville's my last hurrah, Zainey's. And it sucked because Nashville's a fun town. That's like, you know, honky talk. I always say New Orleans with a banjo in a Bible. - It's all girls and boots and tits and bachelorettes. - So what's the problem? - Well, I couldn't drink because of the hair tits. That's what Soda calls them. You're not supposed to drink a week before, which I'll say two days before. But I didn't, I didn't drink. So I'm in Nashville just sitting in my hotel room at 10 p.m. like this. - Right. Why 'cause the blood thin? - Yes. - They cut in, it's just gonna squirt everywhere. - Squirt or big time. - Yes. - Yes. - Yeah, so. Didn't Nashville got you checked, flew back Sunday. Sunday was my last. Here we go. And I had to shave my head in the shower, which is a strange feeling. You feel like a. - American history, exercise. - Yeah, it's like that movie conspiracy theory where you just scared the government's after you. So you're like trying to get rid of evidence or whatever. - What's the movie with a shave? It feels like stripes, you know? - Stripes? - Yeah. Full metal jacket. - It's going. - Full metal jacket. - Yeah. - I'm full metal jacketing. I'm going full gober pile in the shower. And you're like, what am I doing? This is crazy. I have a good life. I have a nice head of hair. This is not. You just look at it all on the floor. - Oh boy. - And then the next morning. - And then you collect it and bring it into them? - No, I flushed it. Oh, so what do they do? Where is your hair? I thought you'd bring them the hair. Then they glue it onto your ass. - Here's the whole thing. You shave the back. The top's got a fluff like Bert. You shave the back of the sides. They go in with a needle. Pull out these back hairs. Put a hole in your head where you're bald. Pop those old hairs from the back in the hole. And then after three days, the hole closes and grabs the hair like a nail and wood. You know, it hugs it. And then eventually that hair grows here. I know. - I just all I can think about is AI. I think in six months, they're gonna be able to just stick a pill in your dick. And then just go, "Boop!" And you can have fucking curly red hair if you want. - It's gonna be one of those things where I should have just waited. - Yeah. - In 18 months, you'll be able to go to your computer like Ferris Bueller and just type in long red hair with one white stripe like fucking Bonnie Raid. And then just go, "J-J-J-J-J-J." - Yeah, Bonnie Raid of Hormuz. But this is a. This is hell, and I'm gonna tell my kids, you know, I'm gonna tell my boy. When he's 60, I'm gonna go, "Well, I'll be dead." But I'm gonna go, "Hey, when he's 40. " - 130 years old. - When he's 40, I'm gonna go, "Boy, you have no idea "what I went through back in my day. "We had to walk eight miles uphill "to go to surgery at six o' the morning "and straight to Hormuz or the shave the back of the head." - I can tell him when he's 10. - That's true. - You don't have to wait 'til he's 40. That's 39 years from now. - But imagine lacing. Imagine telling some old man about lacing. - Well, you know, I just had that bit that never worked ever that I still think is funny. That is, if you told people the eye fixing, you'd think it was completely reversed, the time period. - What do you mean? - Like, you go, "Hey, all right, we got eye problems." Okay, here's what we can do. We can, I can't remember the order of the joke. - Give me a patch. - That was all they did back then, it was a patch. - Well, we can, yeah, first, the oldest one is like comfortably, stylishly, rest glass on your head. You want to even think about it. - You just can see perfectly fine. You don't even know you're wearing them. You can add it to an outfit, stylistically, take them off whenever you want, nothing invasive. That's the oldest method. Then there's a newer method. You can take a hard piece of plastic, put it on the end of your finger and just jam it into your eye. - A contact lens. - And at the end, you just open your eye, like fucking, like, you know, what's that film there? - The "Clobre Crocodiles". - Put your finger on your eye and pull out the plastic and you can lose it. It can fall into your under your eye. - Yeah. - Pops out, you can't find it. - Can't see Peter. - And then we have what should be the oldest, shittiest technology. We fucking use a knife to slice off the front of your eye. - Is that right? - That's what the eye surgery is. - It feels like we're digressing. - I see. Well, that's how you get blind, Mike. - Yes, exactly. - Yeah, we'll just lay it out, hold you open and then just take a layer off your eye. - Is that what lacing is? - Yes, then some and more or less. - I didn't know. - Chuck's saying no. - I think they like, take a laser and go behind your pupil and insert things or change things. - That sounds a little weird. - I don't like to change the thing. - I'm telling you, there's a slice at one point. - Maybe there's a slice at one point. That's possible. - Absolutely. - Explain lasex surgery too. to me in layman's terms, period. Was there ever a slicing of a layer involved? - Oh man, you give a whole bag of hammers to chat GBA. - That's all take two seconds. Absolutely, and yes, Lasik does involve cutting a very thin layer of the cornia. Although modern technology can do this without a traditional blade, of course. Lasik can play in English. Think of your cornia, the clear dome, at the front of your eye, as the lens of a camera, and as the shape isn't quite right, light doesn't focus perfectly on the retina, and you need glass to context. Lasik essentially reshapes that clear dome, just like you. So that light focuses correctly. They make a thin flap in the cornia. - Yeah, flap, yeah. - This is the slicing of a layer you're remembering. The flap is only a few tenths of a millimeter thick. They lift the flap, the laser removes microscopic amounts of tissue underneath. - Yeah, that's thank you. - But they don't shave it off. That's what you were saying. You say they take off a layer. I'm saying they just go behind it and do that shit. - Leasing slice. - They put the flap back down. - Yeah, they slice it with a laser. - Yeah, laser, yeah, that's what I'm saying. - Yeah, I don't call laser. - I call it Uncle Scissors. - The hardest I've ever laughed in my life is Matt Sallik, you're saying. I got a great interview with Uncle Scissors. - That's very funny. - Ooh, baby. That's very funny. - Wow, okay, so yeah, Lasik. But yeah, I heard now there's drops. - Drops. - You do, look this up on chat, chew, chew, dick face. They do drops and that clears your eyes up. No, no, no, no, Lasik needed. Literally drops will now cure your eyesight. - Is there technology that are eye drops that can cure your eyesight? Question mark. Let's take a look. Yes, but not in the put drops in your nearsightness is permanently cured since. There are now eye drops that can temporarily improve certain kinds of blurry vision, especially age-related difficulty focusing up close. - Okay, well that's just the beginning in five years. That's gonna be a done deal. - Yeah, what doesn't exist yet, but currently don't have a drop of blah, blah, blah, blah. But yeah, that's all coming. - That's coming, baby. - That's funny. - Lasik's now is stupid. - Damn, but it worked. - What do you mean? - Well, Lasik, I mean, that was a pretty big-- - Yeah, oh no, it's amazing, but you're still sitting there and getting numbed up and being like, ah, and sometimes it fucks up. - That's true. - Canner did it. - Jason canner. - Yeah, and Bargatsy. - Oh, really? - I know someone that did it and went blind for three days and it was like a big deal. - Blind Mike? - You had to go back. - Three days. - Three days, blind. - Wow. - It's like we talked about earlier with your hair and going on a trip. Three days blind. That day four, you're feeling like a million bucks. - You bet a perspective that no one's in there. - Oh my god, yeah, depth of field. 'Cause I mean, you must be flipping out for three days. - Yeah, woof. Well, Nashville is a hoot. That's a great club, great town, but glad to be home. And we shouldn't have to go to Pittsburgh. - Yeah. Well, it's got Pittsburgh at least, very short flight. It's one of those ease. You done the improv? - Yeah. - It's not in those easy ones where it's like, you're in a mall. There's a movie theater right there. That's a nice two way. By the way, I saw End of Oak Street. Fun as hell. I think we talked about this in the Patreon. - We did. - It was fun, but I think I said this already, but now the masses can hear it. You want to feel better about YouTube comments, Twitter, Reddit. - I do. - Go read The End of Oak Street, Reddit. Oh, you got to see the filter. Look at movie Reddit, 'cause it lets you realize, Reddit is just chocked full of gigantic returns. - Right. - I mean, these people are like, I'm sorry, dinosaurs don't exist. The dinosaur, the atmosphere would kill them. There's a T-Rex sneaking up, but I'm like, it's a dinosaur in the suburbs movie. - It's a movie. - It's fucking silly. It's funny. - It was all air. My asshole is dilated. - Speaking of which, we had a Netflix, and the girl I talked about this already in the Patreon, but we watched a true romance speed back-to-back double feature. - Wow. - That's fun. - That's a good time. That's interestingly, Quentin Tarantino was offered speed after Reservoir Dogs. - That's a long day, yeah? - Well, it was Friday and Saturday. - How about this by Tarantino? I listened to a podcast. I'm obsessed with this podcast called Founders, and it just deep dives on people. Like Tarantino or Bezos or whatever. Did a deep dive on Tarantino? His mom loved, she was single. His dad walked out, so his mom loved black guys. So she would date all these black guys from the '70s, and they would take Quentin and be like, "Hey, I'm your weird guy fucking your mom for a weekend. "I'll take you to the movies." - Right. - So they would take him to black exploitation film. - Yes. - Where he got all those movies in his ass. - Yeah, that looks great. He has that great rant about Spike Lee, which is fucking amazing. - What's that? - Where Spike Lee was upset 'cause he's putting the N words in his accent's mouth, and he's like, "I demand the right to write whoever I want." And he's like, "I went to an all black high school. "My father just fucked all these black guys." - Yes, yeah, I didn't know that. He talked, they taught him how to do slang, and do this shit in basketball and elaborate handshakes. - Shee. - He was like, "He was in there." - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's why he could say the N word. - Apparently. - As much as he wants. That was LA, not Total Spike. - He said he saw Rolling Thunder and it blew his mind. - Yeah, he's quite the artist that guy. - He's an odd cat. - I met his editor's brother last night at Sush. He might do the sound mixing for Skankfest Duck. - How's that looking? - Okay. - Oh boy. I mean, the movie's amazing, but getting it done by Skankfest is getting to be a little challenging. - I mean, it is a million. I'm on the floor laughing. This is a big part for you, buddy boy. - Oh, guys, it's bad. - No, it's great. You're getting-- - Your hair looks fucked up, but-- - Yeah. - How about this, by the way? I haven't had a cook in a minute. I've done with the cook, and what? I mean, I've been to Austin. I'm going there next week. - Cook toville. - So I had to go out to a story. My dentist is still in a story. And then I wanted to go see Ron on. So I go all the way out there. And I forget it down in a story. You're at the end of the train. The end of the line. So it's you and like five people. - The end of the line. - It's like 12 o'clock in the afternoon. I'm watching a video, you know, whatever, just sitting there. And all of a sudden I hear, you'll fuck you. Fuck you. Mafia don't look like you, motherfucker. You see me moving to this end of the train? So I look up, you know, you do like one eye. 'Cause you don't want to catch eyes with a cook. - No, no. - 'Cause then they're like, what the fuck are you looking at? I'll rape your dick. - Lacing. - So I'm watching the movie. I feel like this move. The guy, it was down there. Now he's right in front of me, Latino fella. He was all squirrely wacky. And he's screaming at a guy. And now he's like, stop looking at me. Don't fucking pay attention to me, motherfucker. The mafia doesn't look like you. Doesn't look like you. I see you throwing up your signals. You're doing your signals. You looking at me. I'm over here. I was over there. Now I'm over here 'cause of you. 'Cause of you, motherfucker. And it's like five next to you. No, he's down the end. He was on that end of the train. Now he's on this end of the train. That's what he kept saying. I'm over here now. 'Cause of you. So I'm doing this. And I'm like, let me just get a look at who's getting the brunt of this. - Oh, don't look at him. - So I look at the other guy. And it's like a comedy sketch cut. This guy's like, you think you're the mafia? Mafia doesn't look like you, motherfucker. You throwing up signs. You going up all these signs? - I look over. It's like a young black guy with dreads. Who's like this? - Yeah! - He's just looking like, I don't know what. - Whoa. - So the guy's just like racist, crazy. - Whatever. But it was scary 'cause you're like, you're the next stop. And it always feels like that train. It's a half an hour to that next stop. - I know. I know. - And you're going please. 'Cause this any moment these guys could just switch to another guy. Although when I saw that guy, I was like, I think I'm in the clear. If you know what I mean. I think he's got a problem with that type. - He's got a type, yeah. So I'm like doing this. And now I can't watch the thing. I'm like, you just pretend to be watching the thing. You're like, I'm at the rewind all of this. But it was a nut so subtle. The mafia don't look like you. You throw it up your gang signs. But it was a beautiful look. 'Cause you see, you think you're going to see an antagonistic crazy gangbagger. - Yeah, yeah. - It's just a kid like this. - Oh. - He's like a man. - He's like a man. - Yeah. - With that, with that minute, he was like, and you, you're like Joey Daniels. (laughing) You know that comic shed, didn't you? (laughing) But yeah, it was scary. And I haven't had that feeling in a while. And I was on my way to the dentist, which gives me nerves. And I had that, you know, Chipotle and Starbucks, and the other things. I already had to shit. - You're brewing. - Then the dentist makes me have to shit. Then fucking, well, run out. - Yeah, this guy's yelling. So I got to the dentist office. It's a small dentist office in New York City. - Sure. - And I was like, you have to do the thing where you're like, hey, just checking in. I got an appointment. And I'm just going to use the bathroom real quick and just dumb and dumbered. - Oh. - And, you know, it's a small office. The bathroom's here. The desk is here. And you're like, I just fucking destroyed this bathroom and you got to be like, I'm just shaving. - Right. - I'm freaking out for 10 minute. You show up, you're in there for 12 minutes. You come out and they're like, they're all waiting for you with the step that's going from the bottom to the head. - All right, we're ready. And my ass, I didn't even finish wet my ass 'cause I felt so self-conscious that I just left. So now I got a mud ball in my asshole. - Ooh, hate a mud ball. - And, you know, you're sitting there squirming the seat itchy asshole and about four miles from my house. - Oh, that's the worst. I hate when they see the way they know you shit. Nothing worse. - Nothing worse, I shit like a fucking lightning bolt 'cause I want the probability to be like, well, I couldn't shit that fast. - Exactly. - But you were in there really swapping. - Well, it was, I mean, it was a full bowl and that's like old tan of spray, which I haven't seen since the 80s. - Yeah, it's like Aspenaka. and doing that and uh. I had to give blood. That's probably the surgery. There's all kinds of stuff you gotta do. I had to give blood. I had to take four vials of blood in Nashville. Oh. Yeah, the lady, 'cause they scary on the phone. The lady's like, "Oh, yeah. "You haven't done your blood work yet?" And I'm like, "No." She's like, "Have you gotten your epsom salt?" Like, "No, I'll get all that on Sunday." She's like, "Whoa, you're really cutting it close, "there, Mark." And then she's like, "You're gonna be down and out. "You better like, uh, hunker down "and get a babysitter and all this." And I was like, "I'll be fine." She goes, "Well, where's your blood work?" And I go, "Uh, I guess, uh, is that necessary?" She goes, "Yeah, we're doing surgery." I texted Mateo Lane. I go, "You did the blood work thing?" He was like, "I did it like a month earlier." And I was like, "Yeah." I'm getting surgery on Monday, it's Saturday. - Oh, boy. - So I went to the hospital, 'cause I don't know. 'Cause they say, "Get blood work, it's so vague." - Yeah, well, they have blood, uh, like businesses. - Banks? - Blood banks or blood, no, this is not-- - Brothers? - No, not blood banks. That's different. You know what I call blood, blood diamond, you know what I mean? - Blood drive? - No, what's that called? - Blood. - The place they work at there, the guy works, the doctor works, they do blood work. That's the thing, blood work. Blood work, building. - I think of a medical center with phlebotomists in it. - Phlebotomists. - Phlebotomists. - Get out of that center. - Phlebotomists. Get the fuck out of here. Phlebotomists, that's my rupert. - That's like the plants from End of Oak Street. No, what's it called, the blood work center. - The blood bank? - No, blood bank is really historic. Hold on. - The blood day. - What do you call the place where you go to get blood work done? There we go. - Usually you'd call it the lab, blood lab. The lab, the door in the lab. - Blood lab. - All right, the black lab. - You go to the blood work, the lab. - The blood lab. - Well, I go to the blood lab. - The lab core and it's a bunch of cute little - I told you. - Black chicks. (laughing) - A bunch of cute black chicks and scrubs and they're all from Nashville and they are the throwing up gang signs. And they're like, what do you need? I'm like, need the blood work. And they're like-- - Don't creeps. Give me the blood. Yeah, I'm like, what do you need blood work? And they're like, what does that mean? And I'm like, they told me to get blood work. - He got it, he got it, he got it, he got it. - I'm here to get blood work. My blood work done and they go, blood work. What does that mean? Blood work. And I'm like, well, I'm getting surgery. So I need my blood work done. And they're like, blood work, what? It was like a write-off. We don't even know what a write-off is. - And they're the ones working the blood. - Yes. So I was like, I'm getting hair surgery in two days. Hello, and I'm like giving them shit. I'm like, you guys, this is a sloppy operation. You got here. What the hell? - Don't you know about my hair surgery? - I'm getting, I need blood work. And they were like, sir, we need to have to ask you to leave. Like, they threw me out of there. So I go, I'm getting hair, so they go, do you have a form? Do you have a blood form or whatever, a blood drive? So I had to go through the email and I finally found the form. And this is what's nice about the south. I had like eight people helping me to go into my phone. They're typing blood into the search thing. You go to New York, you go blood work, they stab you and kick you in the street. - No, they don't care. - They don't care. - I'm moving to St. Louis. - That's a good town to live in. You'll hear your hands up there. Oh, this is what I wanted to bring up 40 hours ago. Last thing, maybe I talked about this already on the Patreon. I don't think so. Saturday, I'm in St. Louis. I was gonna go and get some cigars for Luke and I to smoke. By the way, some fan gave us like 50 cigars for free. You're the man, it was awesome. We smoked fucking all of 'em. - Hell yeah. - I went to a cigar place. We can plug the video in. On the corner, there's a Chipotle. Next to that, a cookie place. On this street, the Starbucks and the cigar play. All four, it's Joe Porta. - I'm moving to St. Louis. Chipotle, cookie, Starbucks, cigar. - Is there any corporations? - Westport? - Westport. It was like a waste. It was like 18-minute ride from Westport. - Wow. - Is he's bored or fucking bored. No, I don't know. - Yeah, that's Joe Square. List Square. - Joe Square, baby. List Square, two of me, me and Chad Daniels. - The boys. - Charlie. - All right, we gotta wrap this up. We gotta fly to Pittsburgh in 10 minutes. - Love fly. - Where does this come out? Remind me? - Blood work. - Monday. - All right, yeah. - Well good, we'll be fresh, Jerry. - All right, well I am at what's it called? I don't even know. Mother's ship, this weekend is probably gonna sell out. Hopefully it's sold out. - Oh, that's sold out. - That's gonna be fun. And then Royal Oak, Michigan. Mark Ridley's comedy, great castle. September 10, 11, 12, 9, 11, never forget. And then September 24th, we added a show in Toronto. So sell that one out. Nothing worse than adding a show that you don't sell at that's embarrassing. And then also September 19th, I'm in New Hampshire. See Brook, New Hampshire, New England. Come out to this one. This is a big theater. I think it's like half full, but I'd like to have it all full, all full. So come out to that, New Hampshire. Flight canceled. - Shit. - Oh boy. What do you got weather? I'll read it. - We're sorry, you're flight operated by-- - Floodwatch in Battery Park City. - Republic, Airways, Delta Convection confirmation from New York, LaGuardia to Pittsburgh with canceled due to air travel control restrictions. We have been working to find a good option for you. Unfortunately, we didn't find a flight, which we could automatically book you on. - Flight to Cleveland. Maybe you can fly to Cleveland. - Oh, you think, or can I just stay home? - I mean, you can probably stay home. I mean, definitely you can stay home. People are gonna be upset. - Oh God, I gotta get on this. To fly the hair that adds up to staying home. - That's true, both. - What says, yeah, extreme weather. We got some extreme weather coming in. Floodwatch in New York City. Although it doesn't look that crazy. - They always do this, they always shoot. - That's annoying. Well, you could fly to Cleveland. Flight to Cleveland. - How far is that? - Leaving to Pittsburgh, I think it's about two hours. I think, okay. - Let me see. I just really love Cleveland Hopkins. It's your Pittsburgh improv. Let me show you here. - Put this on the Patreon. This is good. We'll just roll right in. - This is good. Hold on. - Finish doing your push. - Okay, okay, yeah. - Flugs and he's done that we can have. Let's see. - Two hours, 18 minutes. So you fly to Cleveland. You get there at 4 p.m. Shoot over. - That's not better than a car. - Yeah, but I don't know if this flight's taken off from Cleveland. If you flight to Pittsburgh, got canceled. That sucks. - Yeah, that sucks. - It was already out. - You do the plugs. I'll look up Delta right now, one way to Cleveland. - I appreciate it. All right, Calgary this weekend. Can't wait for Calgary. Love that town, love that club. Minneapolis and Acme. Denver comedy works. Madison, some of these might move 'cause of the movie Portland to Helium. Hello, Portland, Oregon. San Jose, improv. A Bethlehem, PA, Atlantic City at the Trappocana. We just added that. That'll be fun. Palazzo in Las Vegas. Fantasy Springs, Indio, where the hell's Indio? I think that's somewhere in California. Comedy zone Charlotte and Mashant Tuckett was at Fox Woods. - Yeah. - And Verona, New York, a turning stone. Casino. - Thank you. - Delta to Cleveland, it's not gonna work. You gotta fly to Detroit. You get an 1156 p.m. 922 p.m. - Okay, shows canceled. I tried. I did my part. - Okay, I did my part. - Thank you. - Chuck, plug it up. - Check out my podcast. Fun, bearable. And also, I just wanna give a big thanks to the Tuesdays because we are fully funded on the pilot. I couldn't believe it. We got the most recent email last week. - That's with me and Sam, right? - Yeah, yeah, exactly. - Holy fuck. - This guy's a house in fucking New York City. - Whoa. - And yeah, I wanna say thanks. And also, but if you wanna get involved, we're out doing a bunch of film festivals and you know, could you use some funding for that? So hit me up @discountchuck on Twitter or Instagram. But thank you again, especially to the final gentleman who put us over the line. I don't know if he wants me to say his name, but I'm gonna call him Mr. C. - All right. - Mr. C. - All right, thanks for being here. Oh god, that's disgusting. - I know it hurts. The head hurts. - Like you guys are blades on my head. - Where you want to do a Patreon? Two Patreon. We'll send Chuck for coffee, so we're gonna have to look at him and it's gonna be great. - Thank you guys. Praise Allah. Sorry about the hair. This will heal. It will be over soon. And I'll see you back in my old shape. - They don't share. You look great. - All right. You look great too. Appreciate everybody. I'm pretty moved. - Thank you. - Feel it. (upbeat music)