#670 Man-Tuck-It

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't just lie about the city. Holy hell. We're here. We're queer. We got the construction out there. I know it's a cliche bullshit New York thing, but they're jackhammering up my ass all day. I hate the jackhammer. You know, Matt Wayne has the bit. I keep telling him, I'm like, you gotta make this work. He didn't give you that one? No, I want it. I want it back. Damn. I'm like, give me that bit. You know why? Because it's fun to go. Of course. Every time I see him, I'm like, that's fun. Yes. He's having fun. That's a good time. And it's a great point. We haven't got, we got AI. We got LASIK. I know, but. LASIK, Jerry. What's frustrating about the bit is I think other people, random people, they don't, not to be like, we're geniuses, but I'm like, I think people are like, it's a jackhammer. You gotta get through cement. But there is something so funny that's like, this is still, this is Matt Wayne's bit, by the way. Jesus Christ, by the way. We had a clip issue. Huh? Remember, I did a guy's bit, and then people clipped it and just put out me doing his bit with no recognition that it was his bit. Mike Toohey. You were on the text. Oh, yeah. It was a big dramatic thing happening. I don't read these text threads. It's a lot of work. But yeah. I didn't know it was dramatic either. It's a little dramatic. Was he mad? I'm like a thief. Of course he was mad. Oh, he got his bit out there. So what happened? No, but not in the clip. That's when people see it. Ah, no clip. People that watch the hour-long podcast go, oh, this guy, Mike Toohey. Mike Toohey sounds hilarious, but then our wonderful clip folks, I don't know, maybe it's a robot. I don't know who the fuck does it. No, it's a guy. But they clipped it. This guy's tough. And it's just me going, oh, you ever say oop when you bump into a guy? There's no mention of him. So the internet, clips, which is where the world exists now. Sure, it's all clip and headline. It's just me doing this bit, and people were going, whoa, the list is fucking, chalk up another winner for list. Right. And so he texted me being like, hey, brother, the fuck is this? Oh, I didn't know any of this. That's in the text. I don't read them. You're in the text. You responded. Holy shit, this is crazy. I have a guy who responds to my texts. He's the same guy who does the clips. Is it a robot? Yeah, kind of. So anyways, I'll put the clip up. We'll get a new clip of me saying, hey, but also, he gets fucked, but I look like a fucking bag of turds. Right. It looks like I'm like, hey, I had a funny idea the other day. There's black people, and there's, you know what I mean? That's good. It's good. Like, they're shooting up the screen. Oh, that's gold. Is that yours? Yeah, it came up. Oh, man, that's big. Came up with it when I was 14, 1996. Put it in your books. But anyways, we love you, Dewey. You better move it in at three in the morning. You're hilarious. That was the drama. So wait, what funny bit? Oh, I'm talking about the jackhammer. Oh, the jackhammer. Don't you hate these bits where you're like, this is funny. You guys go, oh, it's just a jackhammer. That's what a jackhammer does. And I'm like, I know, but it's funny. You're not getting it. Well, somehow, I think, like. It doesn't translate. Because Matt Wayne, my wonderful opener friend, he said this. His observation is, how would we not have better technology than the jackhammer? It's still just a guy being like. And he's throwing his back out. His hands are all shaky. And every time he does it, I'm like, he's going to do this act out. The crowd's going to go wild. Yeah. But they're kind of just like, uh-huh. But I'm like, that's the funny part, is the acting. Of course, of course. That's gold. Your body's shaking. Don't get me wrong. It's not eating shit. But it's just not like, it's not what I want it to be, where you're laying. Yeah. Everyone's like. Oh, my God. That's true. Yeah. How do we not have a laser thing? A laser. We got a laser. Hey, how about this? Gay conversion. Gay sick. I like that. You shoot something in their eyes. They go, I like pussy. Plus, gays are sick. Ah. Gays are, gays sick. AIDS? Disgusting. Wait a minute. Aha. That's a joke. AIDS used to be something else. I think it was called. AIDS? Cribs? Cribs? Cribs. Grids? I don't know. I don't know. Grids. Give that a go. Grids. Gay-related infection. Oh, maybe like around the neighborhood. Was that the science? I believe that was science. That was Fauci. Wow. Well, he was big in AIDS. Fauci. Yeah. Right, right, right. Yeah. What do you got? Grids? Grid. Bam! Gay-related immune deficiency. That's something close. So then they were like, oh, wait. No, the heroin addicts are getting this also. And, yeah, a couple of straights. And the transfusions. I told you. I went on the road. I went to the hospital years ago for some, you know, tingly nonsense downtown. Uh-huh. I thought you had Parkinson's. What did you do in the head? At the time, I would have killed for Parkinson's. And I went to the doctor, and I go, is something going on? I got AIDS. I know it, Doc. I know it. And he goes, you gay? I go, no, no. And he goes, you like, you do drugs? I go, what do we talk? He goes, needle? I go, no, no, no. And he goes, no AIDS. Right. Yeah, yeah. AIDS is tough to come by these days. He was right. He was right. But, man, when we were boys, Ryan, Ryan White, that fucking kid came out with his spiky hair and his cute looks. My sister had a crush on him, which is so funny. Nothing sums up women better than, like, I like the dying infectious disease kid. That's my boy. I'm like, that's who you want? I know. That guy will kill you with a kiss. I thought you liked commitment, long term. He's going to die. But what a fucking frightening time. Now, we have a lot of people that are in their 20s and under 35. But, man, 1991, oh, man, it's Mickey. It was terrifying. We had Magic and Ryan White at the same time. Same time doing double duty. Used to be my homie. Used to be my ace. Now I want to slap the taste right out your mouth. Plus the movie Philadelphia. Yeah, easy. There was a couple of AIDS cats out there. Big cats. Now, that's a weird thing about the feline AIDS. That's a weird thing about the ladies is one time I was on a date years ago, and I go, yeah, yeah, something, she wasn't into me. And I was like, yeah, you know, my dad died in front of me. And she was like, oh, my God. Right. Really? And I'm like, whoa. This is working. Of course. And then eventually I was like, I'm joking about the dad. She's like, why would you lie about that? I'm like, why would you be into that? Why is that a turn on? Well, they want to take care of you. I guess. They love, if you're an orphan, bag of shit, you were left for a homeless birth, that's like the hottest thing. That is a kooky turn on. I know, but people love it. But we all love it. We all love an underdog story. That's true. People don't like anyone that comes from any amount of wealth. They're like, yeah, but he's rich, you know. He came up rich. He came up rich. He came up from money or whatever. I hate that. It's not his fault. Right. Of course. It's like being gay. You're born that way. Whoa. That was a whopper and a half. So I think it's the same with, that's why they like the quiet type. I'm so regret, I never got to be the quiet type. Quiet. We could have used you being quiet. I was allowed, well, I was painfully shy as a boy, but that was before sex. Sure. Once I was like, had a dick that worked, I was like. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Once that guy put it in you, you were a changed person. Hold on. What did you say about something? What do you say when you see things? It made me think of something. You know what I miss is Tuesdays with Seinfeld. That was fun when the guy put in every reference. Remember on Twitter? Oh, I love that guy. Because it was really fun to keep track of them. It was fun to keep track, and it meant somebody cared. Like, holy shit, this guy's on it. And he was as retarded as us with the Seinfeld references. Yeah, he was an autistic weirdo. But I got to tell you, the comments, you know, everybody had the comments. You're mean, mean, good. Last week, it is straight down the barrel positive. Is that right? Because I broke my computer over my knee and threw my phone in the ocean. So I have no idea. I'm telling you. Whatever that up was, we were humming. I listened to four minutes of it. I was howling, Jimmy. Really? Howling in the Uber. Well, the people at home know, the real deep fans know that I've only ever listened to one episode of this show. And it was red. It was rockin', I think it was called. Russian Red with Scotland Yard. Scotland Yard. Scotland Green. Scotland Yard. Scotland Yard. Oh, boy. I listened to it with the detectives over in England. But Scotland Green, I listened to one full episode. Go find it. It's on the Patreon. That's like an OG. Gotta be 11 years old. 10 years ago. I mean, Scotland Green, I think, is dead. I assume. I think he's cooking. But what a cool first name, by the way. Scotland. Scotland. I know. That is, they do that a lot with the geographical names. Like, this is Austin, or this is Brooklyn is a big one now. Yeah, that's new. Germany. Germany Stewart. Is that a Germany? Nah, I just made it up. Okay, I bought it. It sounded like a writer. What are some other ones? Well, the weird one is Israel. I used to know a guy growing up, we called him Izzy. Yeah, Israel. But Israel, that's a tough name. Relatively common name. What else is there? There's other ones. Susan, no. Larry, no. Louisiana. Bob, no. America, I believe, was the last name. I think his name was Americiano or something like that. Yeah, something like that. And then people wonder why it wasn't Columbus. Because America was the guy that drew the map. And then they named the country after him. Is that right? I believe so. We should be the United States of Columbia. And then there's names that were names that became places, like Columbus. Ah, Columbus, Ohio. There you go. What are his other place names? game. It's got to be. Hold on. Boston. I guess Boston could be a cool name. Well, it's America Ferreira. She's an actress. Oh, right. Boston. Paul, yeah. Boston. Yeah. Paris? Paris Hilton. New Boston. Paris. Paris is a name. Paris Le Chien. Paris, Texas. Paris. We're hitting the wall here. Vegas. Is anyone named Vegas? That's a cool name. Vegas Jones. Kind of cool. Vegas Jones. Hey, you got a kid on the way. Hey, I like that. Vegas and Van. That's pretty good. Hey. Hey. VV. VV. HIV. Turns into AIDS. Well, we got to get back on track here. Yes. Washington. That's a first name sometimes, isn't it? I think that was a name first. Hey, Washington. Hey, Wash. Yeah, Ron Washington. Fuck, we got to get back. We were humming. We were humming. Sorry. We've lost the hum. There's no more hum. We got a couple. We got Brooklyn, Paris. We got a few in there. No hum. Hum Dinger. Oklahoma Stevenson. Well, I got back from. Oh, Minnesota Fats. Right, right. Okay. That's a nickname. That's a nickname. Yeah, yeah. Shit. Nicknames is different. Tennessee Williams. Oh, Tennessee Williams. Tennessee Williams. Put it on the board. Oh, that's lunch. Dakota Fanning. Oh, mamacita. Georgia. Georgia. Hey, Georgia. Wait, who's Georgia? There's a name, Georgia. I can't think of someone. Georgia. Georgia Leone. Georgia O'Keefe. Georgia O'Keefe. Georgia O'Keefe. Is that the vagina cunt? Yeah, yeah. Sydney. Sydney, Australia. Sydney, Australia. Okay, we'll count it. What was first? Well, most Sydney's I feel like are S-I. Yeah. True. I think Sydney might be named after a lady. But we had a couple good ones there. India is a name. India. That's big. That's big. River Phoenix. River. Well, River's a thing. Phoenix is a thing, but Phoenix is a place, but it's a last name. I guess last name is no good. Is Salem a name? Salem? I hope not. I don't think so. It's a cigarette. I knew a guy named Salem Witch Trial, but folks. By the way, I've always thought this. They went on a trial. These are the worst lawyers in history. She's a witch. No, she's not. Right. We're done here. All right. She's a witch. Do some witch shit, bitch. I can't. I'm not a witch. All right. I mean, how do you lose that? Well, I think you got to prove that she's not a witch. It's hard to prove that someone's not a witch. I'd prove a negative or whatever they say there. I guess it's like the glove with OJ. Yeah, because you could be like, well, make her do a magic trick, and she could be like, I can't do it. You're like, yeah, but you're just willfully not doing it. So it's a tricky. I get it. But you're under oath. I don't think anyone cares about the oath. All right. Oath mail. I think they did fucked up stuff like, we're going to push her off a cliff, and if she's She flies, she's a witch. And if she dies, she was a person. Right. And we just killed someone. Well, there's that great Monty Python. What else floats? Very small rocks. She turned me into a newt. I got better. One of my all-time favorite jokes. Everyone looks at him. I got better. I got better. I mean, that's like, you can't write anything funnier than that. I got better. It's amazing. He came all the way better. I got better. He went all the way to a newt. He just got better. I got better. And it's perfect. The perfect silence to look around. No one believes him. He's there. He's a person. Yeah. But I got better. I got better. Not I healed completely, and then I turned back. I got better. It's just perfect. I got better. And he says it so meekly. I got better. Fucking so good, those guys. Those guys really had something. They really did. And by the way, you've got to love, I guess this could be construed as misogyny, but I love that they were like, it's us five, and if we need a woman, one of us will play a woman. There's no women. No black people. That's how Shakespeare did it, too. Stick them with us. Yeah, you're right. No women. Just throw a wig on, do a ridiculous voice, wear the group. Well, kids in the hall, same thing. This is the group. They did not bring a lady in, and Scott Thompson put a wig on, and then a little lipstick, and that was it. That's the great Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers doc live. Stevie Nicks was in there playing together, jamming together, had a couple of hits, and then she's like, let me join the band. And then he went, no girls allowed. Get out of here. Get out of here, you whore. Anyways, he's dead. She's alive. Future's female. Where are we? What the hell? Oh, you went somewhere. You started to tell me. San Francisco? San Fran-sisky. My God, what a town. The weather was perfect. North Beach, the club's right in the heart of the city. It's a hot room. We sold that puppy out. I had a great opener, Caleb signing. What a weekend. It's the best. I mean, I was just there, whatever, a week ago, two weeks ago, so we're doubling up on how much we love. We love North Beach, but it's the best place. It's the best place. In the country. Sure, there's some gnarly fucking homeless, but you just kick them in the tits or run full speed. Well, I always say San Francisco is nothing but hobos, homos, and waymos. Hey. That sums up the whole city, because you got the homeless problem. You're stepping in human shit. They're all on heroin. Sure. One time I stayed out near the Tenderloin, which is the dicey area. Yeah, yeah. And I asked the hotel lady at the desk, I go, well, what should I do? What's around here? She goes, whatever you do. Just don't turn right. Literally don't turn right. And I was like, what? Turn right. That's half the city. She's like, don't do it. Well, the hotel, I did Punch-Up, whatever it was, four years ago. I stayed in that hotel, which is right next to the Tenderloin. And they have, when you're checking in on the desk, a map of the city with a big red area with an X through it. Wow. So as you're checking in, they're like, this is off limits. Damn. Which I think it's getting a little bit better, but then people complain. They're like, they just moved them to Castro or whatever. Right. And it's this weird combo. It's this combo of rich and poor, like super rich, super poor, no one in the middle, and then high tech, AI, next level shit, and then human feces. Right. They got the big spectrum. But it's so fucking beautiful, those rolling hills, the big harbor, the bridges, the other bridge, this bridge, the mountains off in the distance. The Fisherman's Wharf, that bookstore, Cafe Zoetrope, that fucking weird tower that looks like a point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's all perfect. It's all pipes. Great movies over there. Zodiac, Escape from Alcatraz, My Sister's Ass, Zodiac again, Mrs. Doubtfire, Bullet, The Birds is kind of in that area. That movie's very silly. Full House. Full House. What's Dirty Harry? What's that first Dirty Harry called? Is this called Dirty Harry? I think it's Dirty Harry. Or Magnum Force or something? No. Magnum Condom. Oh, whatever. Dirty Harry's over there in SF. Streets of San Francisco with Karl Malden. Just very cinematic area over there. Very pretty. And you know what I like to do? You know me. I have a weird thing where I Google high schools. Vertigo. Sorry. Vertigo. Yeah, yeah. I Google high schools and I go, oh, we got a North Beach High. Mm-hmm. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. O.J. Simpson. Wow. Can you believe? O.J. Simpson, as a youth, as a young black, was walking these streets in the 70s. Or 80s or whatever the hell. The 80s. Or 60s. He was retired in the 80s. Okay. He grew up in the 40s and 50s. Hurts. 40s. No, 40s is too young. Must have been born in the 40s, but grew up in the 50s, I think. I guess so. Well, let's see. I mean, he was in the NFL in the 70s. That's true. Yeah, good point. So I think he was in college, late 60s. So minus 10, maybe 50s. So when was he born? 49? Something like that? Mm, 49ers. I'm going to say he was born in 49. San Francisco 49. Yeah. Who was it? O.J. Simpson. Orenthal, the bus-driving murderer. Yeah. O.J. Simpson. That's a Mike Tuohy bit. So 49? Yeah. July 9th, 1947. Oh! I was close, and I aged up, because you got in my head. You rounded up. My dad's 47. God damn it. Well, O.J. and one Joe DiMaggio. Oh, and Tom DiMaggio, I assume. And what else you got? You got Robin Will. You got Nancy Pelosi. Oh. And I believe. I can't think of anyone else. Shang Wang? Yeah. All right. I think you grew up in Houston, but then started in San Francisco. I think it was Houston. A lot of Asians out there. Either way, it's a great town. I told you, I was there one time, and I went to meet up with Shang, and this was post-COVID. I hadn't seen Shang in four years. Yeah. And he grew his hair. I had no idea. Long hair and long mustache. We're walking up to each other. He looks like. He's like a third of the San Francisco community. Oh, I see. So he comes up, and he's like. I'm like, oh, God. Here's a homeless psycho. I almost punched him. I got a samurai. He walked up to me, and he's like. And he smells like weed. He's got a two-man chew. His hair's down to his shoulder. Last time I saw him, he had a coif and a clean shave. Right, yeah. And he kept walking. Literally, my heart was pounding. I'm like, I'm going to kick this guy in the nuts, give him a fucking suplex. We were hugging before. I was like, oh, this is Shang. I had no idea. Literally. I just realized. I fucked up. Chuck, you got to go talk to the guy at the front door. What is he doing? I ordered a security system. A gun? Yeah, I ordered that security system from last week, and the guy's here to install it. So can you just let him in? Where is everybody? Cape Cod. They're flying back today. Oh, jeez. What do you want me to say? Just say, hey, come on in. The security. I put the box next to the couch. I just saw him walk up the steps. All right. Sorry. That's hilarious. I put the box. It's open next to the couch. Put together a Starbucks order, too, while you're up there. Yeah, there you go. Oh, Jesus Christ. Sorry, I forgot to. to mention it. That's all right. We don't need them. The cameras are rolling. The thing's rolling. That's a good point. You know what we need, though? We need anybody to be listening. Otherwise, we're just talking to each other. That's the real important part of a producer. You think so? Yeah, because otherwise it just feels ridiculous. Who are we talking to? There's nobody here. We're talking to each other. I know, but then we should face each other and look at each other. No, that's too intimate. The whole podcasting thing is mind-bending when you really think about it. It's kind of like when you think about, when you read a book, it's like this weird ESP thing where this man is talking to me, but in the past, but it's in the present. Oh, yeah. I'm sitting here reading whatever, something J.D. Salinger said, thought of, and I'm reading it. I'm taking it in. It's his words, but he's been dead for 50 years. They're listening to us, but not right now. To them, it's right now. Isn't that weird? That's kooky. If I was on mushrooms, I might be like, right? Yeah. Whoa, mama. And then the weirdest part is when you're reading these old-ass books, and they're super relevant. You know, you go, holy shit, that applies to me yesterday. That's kooky. Well, human beings don't change that much. That's why the technology is so funky. Yes! Because we're out riding fences and getting chased by tigers. Yeah, but we're all still horny, insecure, jealous, and gay. Are you watching the Idaho murder doc at all? I can't. It bums me out. I can't do it. Fucking nuts! That guy's a wacko, banana-faced jizzbag. What's crazy is they didn't call 911 for 10 hours. Why? I don't know. The cops like, this is what bothered me about the doc. The guy's a cop who looks just like John Boy, which is crazy. They look almost identical. I started following him on your rec. He's very funny. It's the greatest thing ever. He's hilarious. But he's just saying what they're saying, right? He's not adding to it. Oh, he is! Oh, yeah. It's okay. He's very, yeah. He does funny edits. He has a lot of great jokes. He does the voices. He's very funny. Okay. Funny guy. No question about it. He's one of those guys, we were just talking about John Radinsky. We're going off the rails, but I just made a little short film with John Radinsky that he opened for me at Fat Black. That's one of those guys. He cannot not be funny. He's very funny. He just is hanging out, chatting, and I'm dying laughing. He's a good egg. What happened? He's up there. He said there's a doorbell that you didn't pay for. Oh, good. So it's in there. Do you want to pay for it? Yes. Yeah, I'll pay for it. You know what's funny about this? Here will be a funny idea. You just have a guy, this could be a sketch. Uh-huh. He's putting together the security camera, but he's just a guy in your house. Yeah. I know. Everything's unlocked. Everything's everywhere. The baby's well, the baby's not here, I guess, but he could just go and rob you. I know. And set up a security camera and be like, you're good to go. That's true. It's a good movie premise. He penetrated the house. You let him in. I'll do you one better. I got a box shipped to me from SimpliSafe or whatever the fuck. The box got stolen. The security got stolen. There you go. You needed the box, but you didn't. You didn't. You didn't. You didn't. It was before the box. Yes, exactly. But I recovered it. Some guy found it and then dropped it down the street because he saw there's nothing good in here. Hey, hey, folks. You know it. You love it. Blue Chew, baby. The best in the business. We love it. Feeling soft? Because summer's ending? Get rock hard for fall with Blue Chew Gold. Blue Chew Gold is better than sex. Or sorry, is better sex in a tablet with four powerful ingredients. Two get you ready physically, plus two supporting arousal in the brain. Blue Chew Gold works fast. And last, so you can spice up all season long. I'm telling you, this is good stuff. It works. 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Quo automatically logs calls, generates summaries, and flags next steps. It can even respond hours after hours so nothing falls through the cracks. Relief replies happen faster and customers actually feel taken care of. Communicate faster, stay aligned, and deliver results with Quo. Try it today and see why Quo is trusted by more than 90% of businesses. God, that's a great idea. Get on it with Quo. This is good stuff. Money is on the line. Always say hello with Quo. Try Quo for free. Plus 20% off your first six months when you go to Quo.com slash Tuesdays. That's Q-U-O dot com slash Tuesdays. Quo. No missed calls. No missed customers. How about this for a movie idea? Came up with this. I had this idea 10 years ago. Somebody told me it was stupid so then I forgot about it. Then I brought it back. I'm like, no, it's not stupid. It's funny. It's a rom-com slash horror thriller comedy. Every category. Okay, yeah. You need some porn in there and some action. Give me some porn. That's what I meant to say. A rom-com sex thriller horror. You ready for this? It's a couple, a married couple. Let's say Joe and Sarah are their names. All right, all right. Heard of them. No, no. It's a married couple. They've been together forever and they go, you know, let's get crazy. You know, let's bring a guy in here. He fucks you in front of me and it's going to be wild and fun and sexy. Love it. And she's like, I don't know. That's crazy. I'll volunteer. You're going to freak out. Oh, no. It'll be good. I'm into it. Who cares? Yada, yada. A lot of build up. They laugh. They joke about it. They bring in friends. They tell their friends about it. Oh, you guys are nuts. A lot of comedy. Yeah, ensues. Then they bring in the guy. Big, big Spanish guy, black guy, Asian. No, no, no Asian. Yeah. Black or Spanish. A bull. Yeah. Grab the bull. A stud. They're like, all right, here we go. We're ready. He starts fucking her. Sexy. The husband just gets all keyed up. He can't handle it. Good keyed or bad keyed? Doug key. Car keyed? He's going, oh, I don't like it as much. This guy's fucking my wife. What is this? Okay, that's very relatable. He grabs a bowling trophy or some kind of thing. Hits him on the head. I like it. Now we're talking. He kills him. Good. So now he's naked. She's naked. He's naked. And now he's just bludgeoned him. The wife is like, what are you doing? This is nuts. I was about to come and now he's bleeding out. Yes. And he's still alive. It's like Billy Batts. He's like, and they're like, well, we got to do something about this. This guy, we know this guy. We have his number. They're going to trace us. Now they got to kill him, wrap him in the rug, get rid of him, call in the neighbor's to help, this bonds them. So they're closer now. The couple. The couple. Not the neighbor. And he's like, I freaked out. I don't know. I thought I would be into it. But this guy, I can't have a guy fucking you. This is nuts. So I killed him. I like it. And then, wow, it's wacky. It turns into like an I love Lucy crazy fingerprint. Get those fingerprints. You step in the bud. He slips. The neighbor shows up. Everything okay over here? I thought I heard something. Steve, get out of here. Hey, what's going on? This is great. I got the extra key. Uh-huh. Oh, my God. Now he's involved. Now they're going to kill him. I don't know. Whatever. Wow. And there's your film. I love it. How about this with the title? Bad Luck Cuck. Hey. Hey. Something there. There's something. Cuck. Yeah. Cuck a doodle doo. Cuck Staten. Cuck. Hey, that's not bad. Uh-huh. Okay. I think that's a hell of a. We need an ending, though. We need a button. We need a twist. Well, you can't give the people the ending. I see. And I haven't thought of it. Me neither. I thought maybe she has to kill the husband to blame him. She's like, I'm so sorry. Well, remember that scene in. What's that movie about the 70s porno? They go shoot a porno for cheap out in the woods. Oh, X. And the black guy fucks the chick. Right, right. And the guy fucks the girlfriend. Yeah. And he cries in the shower. Yeah. Oh, man, did that hit home. Ty West. I love that movie. That was horrific. I got the big giant poster from some fan. Yeah. I still have it. No, I have it. I still have it. Maybe you have it. I have a big giant poster of something that they sent in a big tube. That might be the poster. The Pearl Jam one. I have the Tuesdays with Stories, the light up one. Remember with the. It was orange. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's a neon. I don't read the text. Yeah. By the way, ending for your thing, it should start with them being like, we're losing the spark. We're not connected. We're not together. And then killing the guy does bring them together. She doesn't kill the husband. Right. By the end, they achieve what they originally wanted. Right, right. Well, that's what I was thinking. Interesting. That we get there and then maybe. Or the guy's living under the floorboards. Neighbors come over. They're like, it smells. It smells weird in here. They're like, well, whatever. Anyways, fund this. Some of you guys have money. Send it over. Get on it, Nolan. Send it over here. I can make a movie. I just did this weekend. That's a fun, fun premise. Boy, I went on a deep dive of Nolan after the Odyssey. Did you know he went to a prep school in London and his parents lived in Chicago? They just got rid of him. No, I have no idea. I don't know much about Nolan's background. His brother wrote Inception. He directed Inception. Right. And his other brother killed a guy. Wow, I knew about the writing brother. I didn't know about the murder brother. The other guy killed a dude and went to jail. I just said murder brother. Murder brother. That's a good title. Now, let me ask you this. Is the Odyssey all confusing for no reason? Do I have to see it four times before I understand it? No, no. I got it. And it made over a bill. That's crazy. Bill Burr. I can't stand about Nolan. Well, I like it. I romanticize the idea. And you've probably seen the clips. Whenever they show up, every comment's the same. He does the thing where he's like, I don't have phones. I don't have a phone. I don't have a computer. I don't care for it. He goes, I'm not interested. And then every comment is like, this guy's assistant hates him. This guy's producer must hate him. That's funny. Somebody's communicating with you. Somebody's life is a giant fucking nightmare because you don't have a phone. It's like the Ari thing. Ari's like, can I use your Google Maps for about 45 minutes? You know what else I know? Norm. Norm couldn't drive. Right. So this guy's got to go to SNL every day. He's got to go to the movie set every day in LA. He's got to go to a TV show every day. And some poor schmuck. Some schmuck has to drive that gun. Yeah. It's just like, I don't have a phone. It's not interesting to me. But I'm like, right. But 300 people have to communicate with you somehow. And he writes on a typewriter. Well, that's neat. And I love the idea of being with these guys. Like, I can't have a phone. I'm like, do you have children? You're running a business. Yeah. Get a phone. Just don't put apps on it, you fucking asshole. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Tenet, I still, I mean, I've read Wikipedia. Oh, forget Tenet. Cliff Notes. I've watched it. I don't know what the fuck's going on in there. No, thank you. Memento, it took me three years to figure it out. But I love that. Yeah. Even the third Batman, I'm like, what's going on here? What? All kinds of stuff happening. It's like, there's this guy. There's the guy from Apollo 13. There's- Kevin Bacon? Matthew Modine is in it. And then there's, you know, he's in a prison. Bane. He leaves the prison. And then Maria Cotillard, there's an atomic bomb. I'm like, this is wacky. Yeah. Just give me a Joker's gonna rape everybody. I know. Now we're talking. You know what I mean? I've always said it. Why aren't the bad guys more evil? They kill people, but they don't say the N-word? Come on. That's good stuff. That's true. You remind me of my father. He hated N-words. N-words. They're like, Jesus. Joker. Whoa, Joker. Relax. Half the henchmen are black. Calm down. Yeah. But why wouldn't he? If he's throwing it all against the wind, he would throw that in there. Oh, somebody's here. Knocking? Yeah. Oh, God. I hope he didn't hear the line. I hope he didn't hear the last sentence. Yeah, well, I think we're okay. Just tell them we're podcasting. We're just doing a little podcast. Close the door. Sorry. I'm shooting a podcast. Oh, you need your phone. Uh-oh. Baby, come back. If you don't mind. Sorry. They told me 1130. Sorry about that, sir. I'll be here. All right. Why don't you let him out, Chuck? Let the man out. Walk the man to the door, will you? He's a human being. Boy, this is a red-letter date in the history of the podcast. What does that mean, red-letter date? Well, it means you mark it in red because you got to remember it, I think. What are you talking about? Well, this is historic. Oh. We're literally yelling about the other. And he's coming back at a later date. There's an African-American man with long dreads outside the door, listening. He's listening to us, bummed out that the Joker doesn't say the N-word. He got a point. We just said N-word. That's good. He said N-word, and you did a voice. That's good. Yeah, it was clearly. And we all laughed. He said it, too. It was your idea. That's true. Yeah, but you pushed him in. Wow. All right. Well. This guy. By the way, this is also the first time in history that you have to be like, your guy comes to install a thing, and you're like, come back another time. I know. I know. You're not going to be here. He's going to come back in an hour. You won't be here. I won't be here. I'll have to keep Chuck here. This is not good. They never come on time or when you want them to. You can track the guy. I tracked him like a Domino's pizza. What happened? He's there, right? That was ugly. Did he hear everything? Did he hear anything? He's outside the door. I heard him knock like this. I had to answer a lot of questions. He's like, it's going to be this much. Is that OK? And I'm like. How much? 130 bucks. Oh, that's nothing. Nothing, yeah. Well, that's added on. That's added on. Did I already pay you? You paid for it. Right. But I thought it was going to be like $4,000 or something. 130 bucks. You know, that's not crazy. And then he's like, is there wiring already for the doorbell? And I was like, absolutely. Big wire. No wires. There's no wires. I love the wire. Yeah, good show. But there's no wires. I think he was in the wire. Oh, jeez. There he is. Oh, there he goes. Oh, God. He looks like if Le Maire took. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was epic. Yeah. Oh, boy. That was bad. That was really bad. He's outside the window. He's like, the Joker should say the N-word. But you make a good point. That's why I got security, to avoid that guy. And here he is, listening and knocking. All right. All right. Joker. He was really like, he seemed annoyed with me. He was like, should I do this? Am I doing this? And I'm like, I don't know. You think he's annoyed now when he comes back in 90 minutes and we're also still recording and or you're gone. I know. Like, we're going to continue to podcast and as soon as it's done, you're leaving the home. Well, hey, in a weird way, it's like the Seinfeld episode. Now he gets what it's like. We wait for years for these cuts to show up and then they finally show up. We go, oh, my God, I canceled six things. Now you're here. Now he shows up. We're doing a pod screaming the N-word. Yeah. The tables have turned. No, I agree. He deserves it. He'll go on to the streets. It'll be good. Well, he said he's coming back in an hour. Well, the thing is, though, nobody wants to work. Like, so he's relieved. Like, if I had to go install a thing and I got there and they were like, oh, my God, they were like, ah, we're busy. I would be like, great. I'd go eat a hot dog and watch a movie. You can go see the Odyssey now. I guess. I guess. But I bet he's got other jobs. He's got to go to another house. Yeah. And now he's just throwing them all off. That's possible. But how many security jobs are there in a day? It's not like Amazon delivery. Have you seen The Neighborhood? But, yeah, you got a point. I always think that, too, when the stewardess is walking down the aisle and have to be- Flight attendant. Flight attendant. They're unhoused, are walking down the aisle, and they see eight people sleeping, and they go, that's eight less cokes. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. Eight less Funyuns. Well, we just shot in a film location at a restaurant, and we took up the whole space, and I kept apologizing to the bartender. I'm like, well, get out of your hair. And then the waitress was like, I got to tell you, we're loving this. Nobody's coming in because they see all the equipment. Oh. You're saving our ass. We don't want to do anything. I know, but don't they get tips? I don't think they get tips, but I think it's slow during the day. So it's one of those ones where it's like- Large tip. Right. So I think people are like, I think every job, top to bottom, no matter how hard you work and how much you love to work, if someone's like, tell you we're not ready yet, take an hour off, you're like, great. Oh, completely. I'm trying to justify the feeling of kicking this man out of your house, but I think we're good. I feel bad. He did say 1130 on the app. Okay. What time is it? 10.46. Ah! 20 minutes ago. That's true. All right, shit. I feel bad now. He seemed like a nice guy. Yeah, it's a little, you know, whatever. It's fine. It'll be all right. We'll do it later. I thought he came in and stalled and left. I didn't know he needed me to walk around with him. And you need your phone and the app. The phone. He came over an hour. You can't be giving that phone out. I'll tell you that. He came over over an hour early. You shouldn't really feel too bad. You know? Yeah. What if you weren't home? What if you're like, I'm going to be home at 1130? I won't be home later. Yeah. So this will be awkward. I think the problem is he's lying about the 1130. No, I haven't. No, I'm joking. Oh, okay. That's why I was like, oh, this is going to work out. No, no. He'll come back. Well, maybe he'll, hopefully he'll come back in between the Patreon and the episode. You hook up the phone. You go, boop, boop, boop, boop. And then he goes and does his work. We Patreon. We all leave together. Do I give him my phone, though? No, you stand next to him. I don't know. He probably just needs a couple things. I see. Okay. But they probably attach the security to the phone. Yeah, the phone app. Do I give him water? You got to offer him some water. I give him some water. I give him some water, yeah. Yeah. All right. Maybe a grape soda or something like that. Oh, this is offensive. I don't care for that kind of humor. But yeah, I was in San Francisco. We had a great time. Woo, boy. Hot dog. This thing went off the rails, baby. How about that? You ever heard of Conwell Coffee? Conwell Coffee. Sixth Hanover Street Financial District. I have not heard of Conwell. Well, I got to give a shout out to this place. You got to go check this place out. Conwell. So I shot this little short film that none of you will ever see. We're going to send it to festivals, hopefully get it to cons. Yeah, Conwell. Let's think about the short film. The only thing, the only worse investment than a movie is a short movie. There's like no hope of getting the money back. Of course. A movie can go to theater. Maybe you get on the back of a seat at United. Short films go nowhere. There's no short film that's like, oh, that made 50 million. No. You can get an Academy Award like Stephen Wright. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's about it. I don't think we're getting an award. Or the festivals, because it's three white people. Ooh. Gross. The whole crew was white. Yuck. Actually, I think there might have been a Latino on there. I can't tell, though. Okay. I tried not to ask. Nice. I'm stuck to my leg here. I'm going to come. Anyways, so we were going to shoot at the Olive Tree Cafe. Sure. And then last minute, the thing with making movies, you're making a movie, it's all just problems. Yeah, we haven't even started yet. We got problems. It's everything. That's what a producer is doing, is going, fuck. Okay, fuck me. Okay. Ah, shit. All right. Well, that sucks. All right. Fuck this. Yep. So we were going to shoot at the Olive Tree, and Liz is the greatest person of all time. She's a big fan. That way, Furioti. By the way, Furious is almost her name. Yeah, yeah. Furioti, which could mean furious in Arabic. And she is scary. I had two producers. We all know Liz. We were drawing straws to see who was going to ask her questions. Sure, sure. Like, huddled up like this. I get it. All right. She looks like she's in a good mood. Yeah. I don't know. Well, you asked. Last time. Yeah, she threw coffee in my face. Well, she stepped on my nuts. All right. There you go. Yeah. She's frightening and the sweetest at the same time. Oh, yeah. So I go, hey, can we shoot at the Olive Tree? She goes, of course. You can do whatever you want. You're our favorite comedian. We love you so much more than Mark. And I go, oh, my God. Thank you. I knew it. So then I go, great. We'll be there Sunday at 10 a.m. She's like, Sunday? We got brunch. It's SD. We got 400 people coming in. You can't shoot here Sunday. That's a good point. And I was like, huh. All right. I should have asked this earlier because it's Wednesday night. Uh-huh. So now we have no location. And I'm spending money. I got actors and a script and a prop and a thing and a boner. And I'm like, OK. What about Saturday or Monday? Well, then we have this thing where you're like, how about Monday? Well, maybe Tuesday. And then everyone's like, Tuesday? You didn't tell me Tuesday. Well, I have a drop in this appointment. I got a dentist appointment. I'm not working on Tuesday. On Tuesday, I can take my mother to the dentist. Oh, fuck me. Ah, Tuesday willed. So then you're like, all right, we need a venue. So we start reaching out. What's this guy's name? You know that show? You know that show at the Overlook Maureen used to book in? Yes. It's with a band. Yes. You know that show? Yes. There's this guy named Max who's very attractive. He's a musician. Good-looking guy. Good-looking guy, musician. And they have a band. It's like doing The Tonight Show. It's fucking awesome. Killer. He's got a stand-up bass. So he goes. Ace of bass. That was more of a regular bass. Here's my stand-up bass. Hey, that's good. Thank you. Stand-up comic. So John Radinsky, who's starring. He goes, my friend Max, he's got venues up the ass. You've got to talk to him. This is the thing that makes you feel spiritual. When people help you. It's very nice. Helping people. Helping you. These people come out of the woodwork. So I text this guy, Max. I go, hey, Max, we met a couple times. My father's gay. He goes, I know you. You need a venue. I got the place. You need Conwell Coffee. I go, OK, well, there's that. He goes, I'll meet you there. What a match. So I'm like, this guy's just coming to this place. I'm going to the city to help me. No money. No nothing. There's nothing to gain for this man. This is rare these days. So I go, I got my kid that day. My wife's out of town. I'm going to bring my son. So I take my son on a location scout. Wow. We go to Conwell Coffee. It's this old bank. It was the headquarters of Citibank. Come on. In the 1920s. They got five floors underground. It's a skyscraper. Built to be the tallest building in New York. The stock market crashed. Big depression. Everyone's sad. Is that right? And they do this big theater. They're called Sleep No More. Have you ever heard of that? Oh, that's big. You know about it? Yeah, yeah. And I'm there with my kid. I'm getting no sleep. So same. So they take us to the venue. Max meets me there. I bring Marty in. They're like, they love the arts. They love movies. They just love music and everything. They take us around. They're like, you can do whatever you want. They're like, in here is the regular coffee shop. You got to go there. Go on a date. They got drinks, coffee, food. It's jazz. On Monday, they had a kind of like dance music, but with a saxophone player playing with it. It was this real fusion-y thing. They got all these crazy rooms. Big bank vault, basement. It's the kind of place you want to write stuff just for the venue. What the hell did they get out of this? Well, they had the show Sleep No More. Oh, so they're taken care of. So the Sleep No More is an immersive theater. I've never been. Yes. But they take them through the bank vault into all these crazy rooms. Got it. And there's actors. And it ends in this big showroom. And they do shows. I love it. And they gave us the run of the mill. Wow. Do whatever you want. They fed us. They gave us food. Their only condition was put our name in the credits and order food from here and not other places. And we said, crocodile done deal. Another great Matt Wayne line. It was awesome. Amazing. So if you're about to shoot a movie and you think, oh my god, we need this or that, think about this. What do they got over there? They got a bank vault. That's it. OK. Good to know. They got a coffee shop bar. They also got a coffee shop bar. They also have big desk. It looks like Vito slash Michael Corleone's office. Big, sprawling desk. What's that show that people love with? Severance. No, almost like that. Succession. That's a good show. It's that kind of vibe. Like billionaire office kind of thing. Got it. Got it. Bank vault, basement, crazy. It was fucking awesome. But you have this feeling. And then my manager, Adam Triplett, was producing the movie. He had to go down to tires for the premiere last minute. That's so fun. That's how big Shane is. People are bailing off projects to be like, we got to be there for this Shane event. That's a large show. So I called this other woman, Olivia. You might have met her before. She's Joe Russell's wife. She's a producer, actor, comic, director. She's everything. I'm like, any way you can be an on-site producer this weekend, tomorrow, I'll pay you. Sure. She comes in. I felt like fucking George Bailey. This is crazy. Everybody came and helped. It was insane. Minsky was amazing. My wife is Israel Hagan. All these people came out of the woodwork. We needed a last-second sound person. They knocked it out of the park. And you go, you're so stressed. Everything comes together. It locks in. The movie's terrible. But it felt so good to have people help. It inspired me for a couple minutes. Incredible. I might help somebody. I love it. I love that there's great people coming together. What a city. Too bad no one's going to see it. No, not one single person. But it was fun, and I think it's funny. But we'll send it out. We'll send it off to the places. Tribeca and the other place. What goes on? You always hear, oh, we're sending it to a festival. Oh, there's a movie fest or a short film fest. What's happening over there? Well, I think people go. I've been to a couple. We brought the Tom, Dustin doc to the Key West movie festival. Is it tents? Is it people in a booth? Is it a desk, a paper? What's going on there? I've never been to a real one, just the Key West one. But I think Tribeca, they get all the theaters, and they go, this is part of the Tribeca. It's like a comedy festival. You have a bunch of venues, screening rooms. Oh, okay. Okay, okay. Some have big premieres. There's a big theater. You know, fucking, I'm sure the Odyssey premiered at Telluride or Venice. Yeah, yeah, all of them. And then a short film you hope someone watches and goes, let's give this guy money for this crazy cuck murder movie. And then you also hear about these, what is that, Robert Redford one, Sundance. Sundance, yeah. They played this movie for the first time, and they got a 10-minute standing O. Right, which Sundance is moving now. That's like kind of over. Oh, no. I think it's switched venues. And Sundance used to be whatever. They're like the wokest. They have a, what do you call that, a reputation. I didn't know that. Yeah, so I think you, me, and Chuck, we got no chance over there. All right, we're out. But, huh, okay. But maybe, you know, South by Southwest. Oh, yeah, that's another one. The other one. Yeah, just fun, just funny to think of a standing ovation for 10 minutes. It's a little silly. That's a long time to be like, five minutes in, you're like, okay. It's too late night sets. Yeah, we're halfway through? All right, Jesus. This is like a workout. Some are longer. Some are longer. They're like 14, 20. Crazy. I think what's his fat asshole? Frasier, The Whale. Oh, The Whale. One of the stupidest things I've ever seen in my life. Got like a 35-minute standing ovation. No way. Something like that. More working out than The Whale did. I think that was a documentary about Rupert. Oh. Rupi, we love you. Rest in peace. We lost Rupert last week. He's dead. Big hole in the ground for him. A crater, we call it. Give me some other stuff. I got nothing. Oh, no. I forgot to look at notes. I've been up to ass in this stupid movie. Well, I gotta tell you, I haven't seen my kid since 88, and I miss him dearly. I'm swiping on photos on Tinder of him. I'm just looking at his picture on my cell phone. Because the wife was supposed to be here two days ago. Boston flight got cancelled. Train got cancelled. Jesus. Now she's on another train, like a Jew in the 40s, and it's driving me crazy, and I leave tomorrow. Oh, no. Protect Our Parks, then Houston Improv. Oh, Protect Our Parks is back. Oh, because of tires. We're back, yeah. Tires is coming back. But we had to bring Ari's fat ass out of the UK. Wow. Good for him. I bet he pulls you off to the side and goes, I'm dying out there. I'll be back in December. I hope so. I want to hear that. I'm okay with him being gone. Well. I need breaks. Let's get a break. Also, get a beard trim. What are we doing here? Me? No, him. Oh. Yeah. He looks like Gandalf over here. He's always gonna have something going. Whoa, I shaved my head. I cut my dick off. I live in England. I live in Mexico. I got a long beard. You're like, I don't have a phone. Right, yeah. Just be a guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, uh, that'll be fun, but then. Hit me. All this work, not seeing the kid, the kids, the kids drive me crazy not seeing them. So you gotta do all that. You do the weekend in Houston, then. fly to Nantucket. My favorite place in the world. Come on. You said that about North Beach. Well, I mean, I've said it many times, many places. They can check the records. If money was no object, if I had all the money. Yeah, yeah. Nantucket is where I would get a place. But it's like the most expensive place on Earth, and it's hard to get to unless you have tons of money. Yeah. Now, is it a show or vacation or what? Vacation. Full week vacation. I don't know if. I should have told you that, probably. We gotta schedule something. Oh, boy. But, yeah, gone. They don't mind if we pack a bunch in the same day and leave some weeks later. By the way, good name for a trans bar. Nantucket. Oh, I like that. Something there. Nantucket. Nantucket! Now we're writing. Okay, so, yeah, Nantucket, and then live it up in Nantucket, which is gonna be all me, all kid, all day. I can't wait. On the beach, in the pool, at the restaurant. Nanny? No. Oh, okay. Wow. Nanny Tucket. Another red letter date. Yes. Get that bitch out of here. Still don't know what that means. Me either. But. Look up red letter date. I just know it from Back to the Future. But I think. I think you have the record books. You're keeping track of your science project, and then you invent time travel, and then you write down November 5th in red. It's a red letter date. It's an important date. I guess a date's not let, it's more numbers. Am I using this right? You write it down. Hit me with it. Everything I know is from Robert Zemeckis' films. The term comes from an old custom where church calendars used red ink to mark holy days, saints days, and big festivals. They still do that. You get a calendar, it's Easter's in red. That's true. It's a red number date. Really? And it just kind of evolved into using it for a special date for the normal person. I've never heard that. So I say red letter date. Folks know what I mean. Now here's a question. You said this word earlier and I've got to know where it came from now. Oh, Jesus. We were talking about, we root for the victim, we root for the queef. Where the hell did underdog come from? Oh, I think you're going to ask me the meaning, definition of a word that I don't know. No, no. Underdog. Where the fuck did that come from? We'll take a guess. He's the underdog. Maybe it was a dog fight and one dog is underweight. Hmm. I don't know. That's good. Or just the odds. I'll take the over-under. He's the underdog. No, that doesn't make sense. No, no. That's maybe a dog race. They race the dogs now. Now, did you have when you pushed as a kid on the swing set, did you have, give me an underdog? And that was when you ran all the way underneath. Did we invent that? Never heard of that in my life. Did you have that? Was that a New England thing? Underdog was like the person pushing you on the swing would push and run all the way underneath you. Oh, I remember that. That was an underdog. It was a big deal because you'd kind of go wacky over the bar. Sure, sure. Anyways, underdog. Let's put our two stupid heads together and create one. I think it's a dog race and you bet on the underweight or the under, over-under, something with the betting. The underdog. The lighter dog. Yeah. Dog. Underdogs. It's probably a boxing term. He's the underdog. Probably started with boxing. Yeah. Everything started with boxing. I know. Boxing and nautical. Two biggies with the word choices. Southpaw. Southpaw. Pawdog. Pawdog. Dog. Rawdog. Dog fight. Doggy dog. Dog afternoon. Hit us with the answer there, Chuck. Doggy world. Let's see what you got. The term underdog originates from the late 19th century, initially referring to the beaten dog in a pit fight. Oh! What the hell's a pit fight? The dog fight? I think it's a dog fight. Yeah. Alright. Yeah, it says that. It says it appeared in the second half of the 19th century as the loser in a dog fight. So it's about an unlikely return. So next time he's the loser. Aha! Because now underdog, it's before the thing. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. You're never like, oh boy, the Patriots, they were underdogged. Right, right. But you're basing it on their previous performance. Right. So it kind of is about their performance. And there's no overdog. No overdog. There's a favorite. There's a favorite and an underdog. Interesting. Okay. Alright. Good to know. Well, I'm getting somewhere. Always wondered that. But yeah, so I can't wait to go to Nantuck. Then from Nantuck, I go straight to Nashville for a weekend. Oh, nice. So I'm bookending weekends, but you get that fucking vacay. You get that living up and it's the last. Summer's about to end, Fatty. Well, they say that, but September's summer here. Don't you think? I guess so, but it'll be 80s into September. Is there anything more depressing than when you're like, oh boy, sun's setting. 508! Nothing. It's the worst feeling in the world. It's why I want to move to Texas. The winter, I feel I fucking dread it. I dread it. It's dark and dank and cold. However, my kids go into school, which I'm like, I'm one of these people now that I'm like, I can't wait. You're going to get so much done. The air's going to be fresher. Food's going to taste better. Uh-oh, is this the security guy back? No, that's a different guy. I'm a bad person. Woo! That's not like you're on a bicycle in sand. Yeah. Here I am. Let's get the trumpet ready. Well, Donald Trumpet. So, I just feel like that winter. I'm going to go and spend a week in Texas, because I'm in Dallas, or Houston. Houston in February. Oh, that's nice. And then there's the Dallas Open tennis thing. So, I'm going to go down to Texas for a couple weeks in February. I've got to get out. I can't have it. Well, I looked it up. Austin, I go there a little tomorrow. 98. It's like, God damn. It's just red, red, red. And I looked up Houston, because I'm there the next day. 99. Okay. Red, red, red. Nantucket. 77. Nantucket's the fucking greatest place on Earth. You've got to love that. That's going to be a pretty penny, that vacation. Nantucket is no joke. I'm not looking forward to it. I'll tell you, eight years ago, we stayed in a shitty hotel, and it was 500 bucks a night. It was like, not a good hotel. I mean, it was like a fine hotel. Sure. Wow. That place is no joke. It's not pretty. The wife will send me hotel. Oh, we should stay here. We should stay here. And I'm like, I just go right to the price. She goes right to the hotel. Right. And, yeah. Don't you do that on a menu? You go right to the price? Now, but I, you know, you look after, you're like, oh, well, I mean, I eat like a boy. So I go right to the plain cheeseburger. I see. And then I'm like, oh, 18 bucks. This city sucks. God, it's crazy. You've got to go to Madagascar Beach, my favorite beach on Earth. Okay. You ride your bike way out there. There's that Millie's. Famous Millie's. It's like a seafood place right on the water. You can look at the ocean. Oh, Milli Vanilli. I'll be there. You go, as soon as you get to the island, everyone goes, you going to Millie's? Have you been to Millie's? You're going to head to Millie's. Oh, the phone is so good that now all the Nantucket shit's popping up in the Algo. That's how they get you. They're unbelievable. That phone shit is crazy. Crazy. And I found one thing that said, hey, I'm here. First of all, they don't allow influencers, which I love. There's no girl out there in a shrimp shack going, hey, we're here eating tails and heads. They don't allow it. They kick you. They kick you. They kick you right. They walk you off the plank. I don't know how you could do that. I don't. They don't like it. They don't like these ladies going out there going, hello, here we are at Tootsie's. We're having a champagne coulis. Woo. You know. Well, I'll tell you, you can't find it in Nantucket. There's no Starbucks, no Chipotle, no you know, Nike. Yeah, yeah. It's all cobblestone and wood. It's the greatest place on fucking earth. Bring it on. I'm sick of seeing it. Pickberry and Dwayne Reed and Chase Bank up my ass. Right. So I can't wait. But there's a place called the Pacific Club out there. It's one of the oldest bars in the great white yonder. You know why they call it that? Pacific Club. Pacific Club. To throw people off? Keep them away? No. The whole thing started because it was a big whaling town, obviously. Of course. So whaling was the big industry. They made millions and millions of dollars back in the middle of, what, 17-something. Sounds right. So they got all this money. That's why it's so secularized. and nice over there, but one guy was a gajillionaire and he said, I'm starting my own club, enough of these riffraff all over the place, I'm calling it the Pacific Club, the only way you can get in this club is if you've seen the Pacific Ocean. Huh. Or been to the Pacific Ocean. Now, how do you prove that back then? Ah, Polaroid? That's a good question. I don't know, but maybe there was some, you know, some test. Interesting. So you come in, you say, hey, I've been to the Pacific. They say, okay, how do you show us, well, tell us about the Pacific. Well, it's blue. Right, it's sandy, hook, it's fish, it's palm tree. I mean, I like it, I just don't know how you could have proven that. That's a good, I never thought, maybe give that a go. That's a great question. Pacific Club. Now you get an ID or a green card. You bring in some sand, slap it on the table. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That could have been from Florida, though. Yeah, good point. Or from, you know, Duxbury. Yeah, yeah, Connecticut. Well, either way. Either way, fucking Nantucket rules. Let me check my notes. I might have something to say. I can't remember. Pretty excited about that Pacific Club. I've seen the Pacific, so I'm in. I've been really backed up with this stupid film that I'm doing. It's a lot of stuff, plus the Skank Fest, too. I took on a lot of projects. Oh, you got irons on the anal. I know, I know. It's no good. Wait, where's the podcast story? No, that's good, that's good. I got a feel that guy's not coming back. I'm not going to lie to you. I think he's going to be back just at right 3. Right at the wrong time. 44 Donuts at Powell's. I think I said that already. Yeah, yeah. Driving Golden Gate Bridge, as I say that. Something I had last week that I said, I got to talk about this next week. Yeah, that's right. Oh, I didn't tell this story, I don't think. Please. So I did the baseball game. Yes, yes. That was about six months ago. The Yuba. Yuba City. So this is fun, and a shout out to this fan. This is a great Tuesday. He came all the way to the game to watch. Wow. Bumps into me. He's got his young boy. He's like a seven-year-old kid. He goes, hey, would you mind if I took a photo with you and my son? You're my hero. You're my favorite. My son and I listen to the podcast. He's literally like seven years old. He's got a pinwheel hat. Oh, my God. And like a monster truck sticker on his arm and a Tickle Me Elmo hat and shirt. Sure. He goes, we're two skates all the way. I'm like, wow, all right. And the kid's like, I eat cum for fun. Like, how you doing, kid? And he goes, oh. So I go, wow, OK, sure. And then he did a funny thing, this guy. He just came, because I'm on the field, like at the screen, you know, where you sign the autographs. And he goes, can we take a photo? I go, sure. And he just opened the gate and stepped onto the field. And I was like, luckily, it was Yuba City. Wow. If you did that at Yankee Stadium, they'd shoot you from the rafters. They'd tase your ass. From the balcony, whatever the fuck. So I go, yeah, take a photo with them. He's like, we drove all the way here, nine hours. We listened to Tuesdays the whole time. Oh, this is child abuse. Look at this kid. Puts this kid on the shoulder. You know, he's got a big pennant. He's got his glove, big hat, like the Sandlot. It says, I'm gay on it. So I go, great. What a great whippersnapper. They're sitting right in front of Sarah and Marty. And he's like, I know everything about you. You're my hero. Oh, boy. So the game starts. I'm in the dugout. And, you know, you're hanging on the dugout like this. I love the hang. The whole bench. You're spitting. You're grabbing your dick. And this guy at the plate, right-handed hitter, lines one. Down. Down the line. It's hooking. It's going to go foul. And there's a big bounce house. So the little kid gay, the little gay, is in the bounce house. Oh, yeah. Little gay. This guy wants to watch the baseball game. He wants to see me in action. So he's got his beer. He's standing. He's got one eye on the bounce house, the other eye on the game. So he's looking at the bounce house, watching his kid have the time of his life. And you're watching the ball. And it's like one of those ones where you're like, huh. You're doing math on the trajectory of the ball. Oh, right, right. And I'm like, well, this is going to be interesting. This ball comes screaming in, 110 off the bat. And you're like, well, there's no way. Boom. Beer explodes. No way. It takes him to the gut. It hits the beer. Hits him in the stomach. He goes down. He's like this. Oh, no. And I'm like this. Oh, no. That's one fewer listener. We just lost him. Now we're down to 200. Never looked up. Because he's watching his kid. He's a good dad. He listens to Tuesday's Best Stories. He came. His son got to meet one of the most mediocre successes in history. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. history. Sure. And so he just got plowed, just fucking hammered and he's down. I mean, legs in the air, his skirts flying. He's like this and all the players are like, that motherfucker got nailed. That was hilarious. You see that? And I'm like, wow, he's wearing it like a champ, you know? And he got up and just never, never brushed. Didn't cry. Just stood up and was like, Oh, picked up his beer and went back. I mean, he really was a, a fucking, he just wore it. Well, here's the clinker. He made it to the show. He's on the show now. Well, this is the worst. So then he, whatever I go, Hey man, that guy, that's a tough son of a bitch. Good for him. He got the ball. Then I turned my head off in the dugout to check on Sam. I go, Hey, did you see the, uh, you see my fan get fucking clobbered? That was hilarious. And he goes, well, actually it hit the beer. So I'm okay. I didn't realize he was standing there. So it felt like it was kind of like, I was like, wow, what a dick, huh? Right. Actually. Yeah. I'm okay. Oh, Jesus. That's a tough one. It's almost like screaming. You hate N words when there's a black guy outside. Yeah, no, that was worse. But, um, yeah, he got fucking hammered and I'm telling you, he's a champion to end all champions. Cause he just took it. What a man stood up, but he did say it mostly hit the beer, but what are the chances? I mean, he's 240 feet away holding a Mick ultra like this and the ball comes screaming in and just hits. And by the way, there's nobody there. It's the Yuba city. Right. Sure. It was 40 Tuesdays and 12 baseball fans. Wow. He took one right off. So my hat's off to you right on the Bud light. And, uh, the little boy's probably pumped that he gets to hear the N word and his son dad mentioned. Yeah. Good to have you fatties. Thanks for listening. And sorry about the, the, the Brewski. Yeah. But, uh, what can you do? That'll do it. Yeah. Yeah. This is fun. I feel like the security guy is going to come by in the next few minutes. We'll set them up. We'll do a bonus and we'll be, I can't stop thinking about it. I'm going to stop thinking about him. It's, it's ruining everything for me. Well, I couldn't even look. I had to just stare this way. I mean, we literally just happened to be talking about how the Joker should say the N word and how funny would it be. And we really were screaming. Yeah. And that door is a duvety. Well, he literally knocked like, and I heard that. Oh God. He was there. I mean, I mean, and may can hear us from upstairs. Yeah. Well, it's going to be awkward when we're walking together through the house. day. Oh, you better believe it. All right. Well, you know what you do? Go put up some jazz posters, have Richard Pryor on, have MLK speech on your phone. I'll get my Africa necklace I have. Yeah. That's not bad. Yeah. And then, you know what you do? Chew out Chuck for being racist. Aha, yes. You fucking bag of shit. Right. You hate the NBA because they're thugs. That's true. You can't say thugs, you fucking asshole. Right. Slap them. I like it. I like it. Caitlin Clark sucks. Here's Obama. Yeah, there you go. Okay. We got a plan. It'll be fine. Yeah, yeah. All right. Take one for the team. Chuck, you're the underdog. Too bad Rupert's not here. We could get an actual alt-right. I'm joking. I'm kidding. I'm joking. Rupert. It's fine. We make fun of him for being fat, and then we just dub him a racist. No. Rupert is not. Santa is not a commie. All right. Let's go. Toronto. I asked. Let's get out of the show. Toronto, please. Come to the show. Come to the second show. You already came to the first show. I said, I don't like a fucking meat stick. October, Tampa side splitters. October 1st to the 3rd, and then Helium in Philly, October 21st to the 23rd, something like that. One of those dates. October, Helium, Philly, Tampa side splitters, two of the best clubs, two of my favorite clubs. Sell them out. Toronto is my most requested city, so sell out that second show. And if you like this cuck murder idea, send me. It's like $350,000. We'll get it made. I love it. Needs an ending. I got an ending. I can't give it all away. Okay. I'll be in Spokane, and then- Really? No, no. What else is out there? Tell them, Steve, Dave. Charleston. Well, I've got to cancel a bunch of dates to shoot this movie. I know, but for the best, we're having all kinds of problems already. It's not going great. Just remember, that's what movie making is, is problems and problem solving, and it's all going to be great. It's going to be fantastic. Somebody's going to lose a ton of money, but not you. Not me, and you just really appreciate stand-up the whole time. You're like, man, tonight I can go pop into the cellar, do a set, leave, jerk off, and never think about it again. But this is like meetings and phone calls. We have to Zoom about a Zoom. It's a nightmare. I literally just said this last night to Sarah. Doing a project, I mean, I just did a 25-minute, three-day shoot, and then did Fat Black. You're like, it makes stand-up. It makes stand-up feel so stupidly easy. I know. It's crazy. Because for five days, you're like, the sound girl quit. Okay, our star is late. Okay, we've got to get an editor. Are we going to edit this? Can we turn the music off, please? I know you have customers. Fuck you. Kill the AC. Oh, I'm sweating. Get the makeup. Yeah, there's always something. And then stand-up, you're like, hey, you ever fuck a girl in the ass and she spits in your eye? Ah, thank you. Good night. Yeah, security guy came. We said the N-word. There's your bit. Thank you, Jack Hammer. We're done here. But yeah, come see me all over the road. Jeez, check the website. I can't remember the dates. We're both on Punch-Up. Get on the Patreon. We're about to do a bonus. you some money right uh i think i paid you yeah and uh yeah thank you thank you simply safe don't forget chucky what do you got there good luck check on my podcast fun bearable but more importantly we're working on a very fun film project with the crew of impractical jokers it's a uh it's a pilot and if you're interested in getting involved we're looking for backers we're not looking for actors we're not looking for writers we're not looking for any of those people we're looking for backers hit me up at discount chuck on instagram or twitter and let's get you involved we got a bunch of tuesdays already involved so let's bring on some more people pilots in the audience thank you gang we'll see you in hell real quick bulger had a great idea we're doing bulger's special in october he's gonna get someone dressed as a pilot to sit in the front row no way never address it oh how funny is that i'm mad i didn't have that idea i love it so just pan over and the pilot will be in the audience that's good stuff all right he was a real fat turkey out there okay we'll see you