#668 At Bat-Man

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. Nah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Holy hell, we're back. I feel like I haven't seen you in six years. You've been coast to coast, space coast. Yeah, I mean, I'm fucking tied up, dick licked, cum swallowed, gay. I don't know what's going on. Well, it's good to have you. I need a little of that. But you're the gray lady today. You're all, you look like Seattle's forecast. Well, I don't know what's going on with the clothes. This is not a shit state. This is not our asses. What is that? A skid mark? It's a chocolate situation. I don't know what these pants are. People, they send stuff. There's 48 boxes of Fabletics. You're wearing it. No, they never stop. I got some for the neighbors. This might not even be Fabletics. I just open it. That ain't Fab. I know Fab. No, this is vintage. This is Tom Petty vintage. This is a Matt Wayne gift. No, no, this. This. Look, you got six, you're like Michael Jackson over here. What is it saying here? What are you saying? What do you say when you see things? It says retarded label. No, 32. Hey, not bad. That's the length. 32. Wait, hold on. Oh, it's L.L. Bean. Oh, L.L. Bean. L.L. Beaner. Not bad. How do I get L.L. Bean? I don't know. Can they sponsor us? We could use some fishing clothes or something to go hiking in. Yeah, we're loser, loser, bean. I don't know how. I guess you're more of a loser than us. By the way, L.L. Bean got to be tough for the Asians. Yeah, I guess so. Do they call it R.R. Bean? Jokes. Okay. Well, L.L. Lemon, the whole gag was that the guy invented it just to piss off the. Ruru. Ruru Remen. Yeah. I don't know if that's true. I've reached an age. Oh, that's true, baby. I've reached an age where L.L. Bean is very attractive to me. I'm like, oh, look at this. I got a pair of brown, loafery. You got a suburban dad over here. What are you, a cul-de-sac, Jack? Give me a flannel. Well, you go in there and it's kayaks and surfboards and boots. Sure, sure. I just want to live it up. Well, you know, I spend a lot of time in Maine, down east. My father's gay, so. What's the one with the Bass Pro Shop? Oh. L.L. Bean is kind of more of like the queefy pro shop. It's like the Bass amateur shop. Well, Bass Pro Shop is everything, though. You get the equipment in there. They got guns, Jerry. What's that? Columbia, Missouri or something? There's one of those cities you work at Columbia. No, it's not that one. That's a brand. No, no. I'm talking about the location. There's an original Bass Pro Shop. On the road. I just did it. Oh, yeah. It looks like a. They're like, you gotta go. A pyramid. It's like a stadium. Yeah. What club is that? What town is that? I've been there, too. Lexington or. Is it Lexington? More mid. Mid-century modern. What is that one? It's more Middle East, Middle West. Can you look up Bass Pro Shop? Fuck whatever you just looked up. What would you look up? I heard the Lululemon was a myth. Lululemon. No, that's real. You want to hear the quote? Yeah. That's what I said. The reason the Japanese liked my former skateboard brand, Homeless, is the guy that founded it, was because it has an L in it, and Japanese marketing firm wouldn't come up with a brand name with an L in it. L is not in their vocabulary. It's a tough pronunciation. So I thought, the next time I have a company, I'll make a name with three L's and see if I can get them. See if I can get three times the money. It's funny to watch them say it. There you go. Oh, wow. So he must have fried for that one. Yeah. People are bummed out. But give me the Bass Pro Shop. I want to come up with it. What are some other places in the country. You've got to find a middle area. Well, you've got Buc-ee's. No, no, but the place with Bass Pro Shop. Oh, sorry, sorry. The place to be. It's not Ohio. It's not Indiana. It's one of those. Kansas City. It's got a club that's kind of okay. Oh, it might be KC. Kansas City Improv. Maybe KC. You want to take a guess, both of you? Kansas City? I thought we were taking a guess. Each with the same guess? Yours is Kansas City. I think you might have something with Kansas City. I'll throw OKC out, just to keep the Ks going. Oh, maybe it's OKC. No, I'm throwing shit out there. I'm saying letters. I was driving with. KFC, KKK. But I was there with Matt Wayne. We never went. Oh, fuck. We saw this shitty movie there. He'd be able to place it. I've been there. Wait! Omaha? No, it's not Omaha. It's not Omaha. That's the College World Series. They have one, though. Omaha. Fuck me hard. I'm going to say Lexington. And you're going to say OKC. I'll say KC. I think it's KC. Memphis, Tennessee. Oh! What? Oh, wait. I'd say I have been there, then. What am I thinking of, then? It says the biggest Bass Pro Shop is the biggest. Not Vegas, the original. Give me the original. Well, this one says it's the Pyramid. You just said the Pyramid. No, he said Pyramid. I said Pyramid. I don't know about the Pyramid. Some of them are shaped like a pyramid. I was just yes-anding. I want the original fucking. It's like an amusement park, this thing. Yes, yes, amusement. Because I never worked Memphis. Memphis is a tough market. You got that straight. They're all tough markets these days. Boston Market. My God. Tacoma in the summertime. I was selling out the late show. Poly Market. It was a cricket fest. I couldn't believe it. I hate it. I hate a cricket fest. I walked out there. The worst fest. Oh, man. There's no Mickeys. There was 12 people there. Ah, that's a big room, too. That's a hangar. Oh. You're going to give an abortion with that hangar. All right, tell me if this sounds right. Springfield, Missouri? Yes! See, you had it. I said Columbus. You double-tracked. Well, we were all over there, because Kansas City, Missouri, Columbia. Is it Columbia or Columbus, Missouri? Columbia. Columbia, Missouri. Yeah, yeah. That's where Mizzou is. We've got to come up with new names. We've got New England. New York. You know, they're all repeats. All retards. New Amsterdam. How many Miltons and Bridgeports and Portlands? Wilton, Milton. Well, also, it's enough already with Washington. Washington, D.C. Washington State. Washington, George W. University. Aha! Washington. And there's Booker T. Oh, yeah. He's good. The wrestler. What did he do? Peanut butter or jelly? One of those. Is that right? Didn't he do peanut butter? I have no idea. That's got to be. That's Jimmy Carter. Hold on. No, no. He did the peanut. Peanut butter. A black guy did the butter, though. A black guy churned it. Gee. Are you serious? Crack a barrel. Hold on. Crack ass. Crack a barrel? Hold on. Wait. I think. Not Booker T. One of those guys. Thurgood Marshall? Oh, he's good. Danny Glover. Did he wear a wig or something? I think the women do. I can't remember. Or the Jews. Hold on. Who did the peanut butter? Peanut butter was first made long ago by the Incas. The Incas and the Aztecs. The Incas. Hey, all right. I went to Peru. Incas are black. George Washington Carver did not invent it. That's it. He did not, but many people think he did. Ah, Lululemon, you fucked me. Who the hell is George Washington Carver? He was a black guy with a lab. He was a black lab. Is he the chocolate ice cream guy? No, that's Amos. Oh, Carvel, I'm thinking. Carvel. Then there's James Carvel from New Orleans. Yes, yes. The Raging Cajun. Then there's Billy Gardell. Oh, I love Billy. Funny guy. Oh, great guy. One of the all-time great guys. One of the all-time guys. He didn't get talked about a lot. Good egg. Yeah, one of the best people I ever met in my life. He had a show called Mike and Molly. Another one called Bob Up and Down the Water. Bob and Ashabula. Oh, with the black nurse. Everyone loves Bob Ashabula or something like that. Yeah, yeah. He's dating a Jamaican lady or something. Yikes. That was the plot, I believe. Well, I got some stuff here. Please, I got stuff too, but we can dilly-dally all dally. Well, I'm going to- I mean, I got all kinds of jizz in my ass. This is just things to watch. You know that thing where you go home and your wife's out of town? My wife went to her high school reunion, so it's just me and the baby. What's this, four year? 30. 30. Holy cum guzzling Nazi. So that puts her at about 44? No. What is she, Doogie Howser? 49. 48. 48. Yeah. Close. It's crazy that we're going to be dead. Like that. I know. It's fleeting, Jerry. It's flying by. My friends are all in their 50s. I'm going to Tom Dustin's wedding. He's in his 50s. Oh. Henry Phillips is in his 50s. Oh. Oh, he's 71. Big Al, Big Alvin, Big Al David, he's closer to 60 than he is to 50. Oh, I'm eating here. It's terrific. My best friends are approaching 60, Jerry. They're going to the home. They're out to the pasture. It's nuts. Louie's almost 60. DePaulo's 64. Yeah, yeah. 64. Quinn. Quinn was in the, you know, doing sets in the Reagan era. He's almost 70. He looks good. Yeah, pretty good. Yeah, Sam's a bride. He'll do that to you. It's not pretty out there. No. So, yeah, her 30-year reunion. I mean, that's so much. She's almost 100, for God's sakes. Yuck. But anyway, so she went down there. We were in, I mean, I've been all over the map. I played major league, not major league, professional baseball. MLB's really scraping the barrel. I played professional ball out in Yuba City. You ever hear of it? Ooh, Yuba stank. Yep. I don't know Yuba City. Where is that, California? California. Yeah, it's north of San Francisco. We're just about 40 minutes north of Sacramento. Okay, that's a tough area out there. Talk about a tough market. Oh, it's tough. It's Yuba City Suter, Sutter. I don't know how the hell you say it. That's the team name, Sutter? That's the other town, I think. It's a sister city. It's Marysville. Ugh. It's one of these areas. I never had that. Oh, there's May. Hey. I never had these areas where. there's a county and a town and a town. and a town right it's like yuba city slash marysville slash sutton where i come from it's like whitman stoughton randolph there's no like this is this which is also this which is that yeah i don't care that it's like transitioning give me one name you got seven names yeah you're like this is la but it's this and whatever anyways binary i'm queer i'm asexual i'm pan so this thing threw a wrench in my ass so you might remember the folks might remember a few years ago i played with the missoula paddleheads yes i love a paddlehead in the pioneer baseball league i worked for the league it's a great little baseball league out there and so i was supposed to i thought i was gonna get an at-bat then three years ago never got the at-bat thing it was too close of a game yada yada so we had regrets but now my friend mike shapiro his son jackson and harry okay great guys who are also my friends they now run the team they're the general manager assistant general manager and he's the president of the league so they they're the general manager assistant general manager and he's the president of the league so went enough's enough we love you you're coming out here you're getting the at-bat whoa mama you're at batman and they're that that's good then they go your son can throw out the first pitch oh my god big marty's out there with a glove and a hat how about that wow and a uniform so i go oh jesus we just broke the four thousand dollar microphone it's fluffy that's all right i couldn't resist sorry my flop came off i'm like lebron i'm flopping gabriel inglesias there you go is that his name yeah fluffy oh yeah good call i'm not fat i'm fluffy it was a stretch anyways so they go you're gonna come out here you're gonna play in the ball game now i gotta tell you schedule wise this is a hot black rubbery dick straight in my ass so it's a good thing which i tried last night while my wife is gone didn't fit i don't believe it for a second i mean i dumped a gallon of lube in there and just cranked it but i couldn't get it in send me the video you gotta start small you gotta go with a micro machine then work your way up to a bowling pin then a piano leg and then you get the big black rubber well the baby was in the room he kept he was like hey that's too big whatever his leg could suffice i'm kidding of course but so i'm like you got a chance to have an at-bat in a professional baseball league come on plus just batting practice taking fly balls it's so much fun to do that's what i'm saying it's so much fun to do that's what i'm saying it's so much fun so you're like all right i gotta do it i look at the schedule my summer is fucked in the air yeah maine for a week i'm in tacoma this that the other thing so i go you're supposed to be down in the summer down so drunk so let's say take a load off your back well once you're there you're taking loads but sure that's true but getting there is a bitch and a half yeah and then but every thing is the way you are with showbiz i am with activities oh my god a baseball game i'll do it good point i'll do it great i hear you uh key west i'll go for the week right so this month of july we're sleeping in my bed five nights i think it's fucked wow crazy because i went straight from cleveland to maine home for five days or four days whatever it is and then uh out to california so i go i'll squeeze it in i'm in tacoma squeeze it in last night and i i looked at the calendar the schedule their team schedule i'm like okay i can play tuesday and i'll head to tacoma wednesday to see the walshes do the shows wow okay so you get a day with the the family and then the show on thursday yeah so then you're like baseball game tuesday but you can't fly you don't want to fly out and arrive and then just go to the ballpark so i'm like i'll fly out monday got it now as many listeners know san francisco is my favorite city i'm trying to shove black dicks in my ass so i mean i love san francisco top five of the country i'd say absolutely absolutely crown jewel city so one day we'll do the five and then we'll move on i have my five locked and loaded if you're ready i'm ready but i don't want to divert or alive grass we can divert here's my top five city not best favorite all right it's a personal thing personal favorite new york city can't deny it boston that's a home well that's uh yeah you know san francisco there yep yep chicago oh that's a class second city los angeles those are my top five cities for me favorite happy love them i'm glad to be here i'm similar i would just maybe replace boston with new orleans and then we'll call they'll call it a day very similar cities in my opinion what well parish a lot of catholics a lot of seafood the only cities that go by parish that's true there's texas i've talked about this before i think similar accents weirdly the oh boston yeah new orleans the very aw for oh true that and very drinkable and i think boston is drinking cities both claim the oldest bar both seafood cities a lot of boats a lot of nautical little drinking seafood the accent a lot of like hey you fuck you don't fucking get it down here true we're our own little world in there like you go to new orleans they got a different language the food is different the the accent is different and the uh the streets are different everything's a little off same with boston it's its own little thing also we big history towns obviously the paul revere and the tea party and all that stuff so it's a little off but it's a little off but it's a little off but it's a little off but it's a little off but it's a little off but it's a little and we got slavery and andrew jackson yeah so i there's the similarities there i think all right never thought of that but i like it come up with some other stuff i can't remember but anyways those are my cities so and sarah never has had the san francisco experience she's one of the many people get out of here well she went once 20 years ago and the famous mark twain quote the coldest winter of my life was the summer in san francisco sure she's one of these people and there's millions of them and i'm like oh my god i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die that go california june here we go they put on my booty shorts my tube top of course she goes it's 48 degrees so she's like i was miserable and she didn't have anyone that knows the thing so i'm like to me san francisco is the most romantic city the trolleys the seals the pier the architecture the hills are alive alcatraz the homeless the bay milk the gay area the uh the bridge the castro castro what's that bridge where you jump off most people golden gate that's the bridge that's the thank you there's a golden gate it's just unbelievable it's a fucking unbelievable city it's the greatest so i'm like all right we'll fly to san francisco monday we'll get in a little sf time then we'll head up to yuba city good husband showing her around well i try damn it but you know how it is you go to the airport that's a motherfucker you gotta go all the way up to jfk it's three hours the kid's on your lap you got a boner so you go out you fly all the way across the country then you gotta get a lift then it's fucking yeah i had this one don't you hate this one i hate the driver who's like involved in your conversation he's not even talking to you oh that's huge but every time i look up he's in the rearview mirror going he's like making eye contact with me i hate this guy and so i'm doing the same thing i'm like i got the baby so i'm like i'm gonna go by the ballpark and he's like yep yeah doing that i can see him looking at me i'm like just be in your own world you need the old 80s limo the partition i need a partition the bruno kirby yes so i'm like i'm getting those vibes then he's like i'm like i'm gonna roll the window now get that sea air he's like actually excuse me the tide is low could you leave it up until we get around here i'm like oh jesus christ this guy's a retide that's good too i'll take it so anyways we go all the way down there we're staying in north beach then you check into the hotel you're just exhausted but you're like we only have four hours in the city sure and then our friend the shapiro's they're like we're gonna take you out to dinner they know hot spot restaurant i love it and now the baby's been sitting in the car for two hours the plane for six hours the car for another hour so we gotta get into the playground but really you just want to take your wife please yes yes exactly take me jerry so we go to the playground there's heroin needles everywhere homeless fucking swinging on vines oh yeah it's a problem we go out to north beach had the best italian meal just fucking beautiful then i had this one real quick i don't want to make this too long no i love sf so we're starving we haven't eaten all day because you're on the flight right and it's one of these things where you land and it's like you get settled it's 3 45 but we're having dinner at six so you're like but we're starving but you don't want to spoil dinner because this is a food town can't you get a snack you tied yourself over retied so that's what i was thinking they'll get a quick snack but then we stop at the playground you can't get them out of the playground yeah so now it's like we're having dinner at six but my stomach is sucking against my spine i know the feeling my blood sugar i'm gay so i go all right i know a place that has slices we'll grab a slice oh here we go have a slice of pizza that's like an appetizer now do you get concerned with this west coast pie some people say it's atrocious ah well this is north beach so it's it's woppy it's italian yeah yeah good call fanny so i go all right i'm gonna grab a slice we go over i've never experienced this before and sarah's like well this is maybe it's new york whatever you're used to new york but i've had slices many places big window people from sf will probably know what i'm talking about north beach slice place it's been there forever you go up there's slices in the window hot fresh pies in the window yeah i wait in line people are all standing around i'm just gonna eat a cheese slice and then we'll go straight to dinner uh-huh dinner's at six it's about 5 40. oh you're right there so i go uh one slice of cheese please slice lady goes okay no problem 5 50 whatever and a water great now i pay nervous. There's a whole sheet of slices, and right away, she doesn't reach underneath it and slap it on a plate and hand it to me. So I'm like, huh, going on here. She goes, all right, the name's Joe. We'll call your name. I go, all right. Maybe she's got to put one in the oven. Give it a minute. Yeah, all right. All right, you'll call my name. Sounds good. I'm looking at cheese slices all in the window. Okay, they call my name. So I take a few steps back, and Sarah's like, where's your slice? I'm like, I think I'll call my name. She's like, call your name. I'm like, yeah, I'm sure it'll be fine. Call me by your name. 544. There's about 12 people waiting up there. Here comes this pie. Hey, Stephen. All right. Hey, Chuck. Hey, Dave. Hey, Shelby. Uh-oh, don't bring him up. So I start handing him out. Time is passing. I hate time passing. I'm like, I don't understand. There's a pile of slices here. I haven't seen anyone put a thing in there. Did they forget about me? They're giving out pies. Yeah. Why don't they just hand me this cheese slice? I know, and then you start going, am I a cunty New Yorker who's all, hey, hey, hey, don't sleep on me. Hey, the city never sleeps. Hey, what are you doing? Wasting my day. Also, I'm fucking starving and now. Now you're up against the dinner window. You know me. I'm an early guy. I want to be waiting at the restaurant, so we're meeting for dinner over there at 6. Now it's 5.51. I'm like, I can't be late for dinner. No. I'm waiting 10 minutes here for a slice, and I'm like, why don't they just hand me that slice? Ah, I'm already furious. So I'm just sitting around. Finally, I'm like, I think I'm going to have to bail. I'm going to have to just donate $5 to these people, because I don't want to be late for the dinner. This is a slice of life. It's a slice in the face. Yeah. And Sarah's like, well, maybe they're making a. But I'm like, don't you think, am I crazy? And everyone will be like, oh, you're an asshole. If you're selling slices, and there are slices in the window. Yes. Shouldn't they. It should say these aren't the slices. These are not the choices you're looking for. It's a display only. Yeah. Or if you're saying, hey, I'll slice the cheese, you should say, that's going to be 10 minutes. Yes. Because I would have went, oh, never mind. The saying goes, how much is that doggy. In the window. In the window! How much is a slice in the window? What are you doing with the window? Well, also, the whole purpose of a slice, the reason you get a slice is it's fast. Yes! That's the slice aspect. That's a good point. Otherwise, I would get a pie. I'd get a whole box. So, I don't know, I just left. I had to go. I'm like, I'm dying. I'm starving. And at this point, you're like, well, we're going to eat. I can't show up with a slice. I don't want to be late. Oh, my God. You know what you've got to do? You've got to go back tomorrow and go, is it ready? What are we doing here? That's what Sarah said. She said, we should just go after dinner and get a dessert slice. That's good. So, I just donated five bucks to these people. We've got to get the name of this restaurant. We've got to take this fucking Dago down. I mean, this is crazy. This is a pie, a slice here. That's the whole thing. And what are the slices in the window for? What are those slices? A tease, apparently. Evidently. One slice of tease. I mean, imagine you did that with a wedding ring. That's the one right there in the case. All right, we'll see you in five years. That's the whole point. It was bonkos. Anyways, great dinner in San Francisco. I lost five bucks. We had a beautiful dinner. I had a fucking chicken parm. The hottest waitress I've ever seen in my life. It's kind of hot where you just have to talk about it in front of your wife. Yeah, I've been there. You're just like, I don't mean to be rude or weird or gay, but this is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, and you go, what are you doing here? You could be flying a Delta plane. I said exactly that. I'm like, can I save you? Let me just dump this lady. Let me take you to New York and wine and dine you. We'll get some slices tomorrow. But anyways, great dinner. So then the next morning, it's off to Yuba City to play baseball. I might have to pause this and throw it back to you because I got all kinds of shit. Oh, boy. I got to hear about the ball game. All right. Well, so then I'll pause before the ball game, but then I'll give you this part. All right. We're in North Beach and I'm it's a two hour drive. I think, OK, be there by one o'clock to meet the manager and sign up and sign your contract. OK, I go great. Now I'm dying to show Sarah some of the town. Sure. And I rent a car at Hertz on Beach Street in North Beach. Perfect. Life's a beach. So I go over there at 8 a.m. The place opens at 8 a.m. I'm like, all right, I'll go get the car so we can just have the day that way. The car, it's all, you know, you want to take care of your business. Yes, you're the man. So I'll go get the car and then we have several hours to go see the city knowing that we have a car waiting for us. Sure. So I walk over there. I get there at 8 o'clock a.m. Wow. Out the door. I tell you, rental cars are primitive, Jerry. They're behind the time. There's 40 people at the door. I'm like, what the fuck is this? How'd that happen? Was there people fleeing the city? I don't know. World Cup Europe. I have no idea. So I go, OK, well, I guess I'll come back. So I take her out. We go see the Mrs. Doubtfire house. We go on top of the mountain. We look at the views, the bar park, the thing. Oh, boy. Very exciting. Another playground. 10 a.m. I go back down there. Now we got to go. I got to be at the game at 1 o'clock. Yeah. Go back down there. Line's still out the door. Crazy. I go, what the fuck is going on here? This hurts. So now I'm like, all right, I got to get in line. So I wait in line for a half an hour. Oh, my Lord. Here's your keys. Here's your keys. Fuck you. Fuck you in the ass. I'm texting the family going, I'm going to be late for the ball game. Ah. My first day as a. You know me. I'm triggered by lateness. My first day on a professional baseball team I can't get a car. Oh, you're Daryl Strawberry? You got a coke addiction. So I finally get the car. I go, what the fuck is going on? I got to ask. It's Tuesday in a neighborhood. She's like, this is San Francisco. This is somewhere in San Francisco. I thought you were going to give her the money and leave the car like the slice. No, it was like I couldn't get the goddamn car. She's like, this is just what it is here. I'm like, what are you, crazy? Wow. You see again that New York thing where you're like, we go at the speed of light. We can't be waiting around. But they do. Well, I think what's going on, everyone in front of me, they're like, okay, so returning in L.A., returning in L.A., returning in L.A., I think all these Europeans and homos. Ah, they're driving to the game. They got to see California. So they go to San Francisco, one of the great cities. They drive down the Pacific coast. That's the move. That's pretty good for a European. Well, you got to think, if you went to Spain, you might rent in Barcelona and drive to Madrid or whatever. Good point. So finally we get the car. We're late. I'm like two hours late for the ball game to meet the manager. Two hours? I show up and I got, you know, my bag of balls and my bat and my stupid hat. And the skipper's like, hey, first day late, huh? And I'm like, I know. I'm a piece of shit. I blame the baby, the wife. I'm like, my wife was blowing a black guy, my husband's whatever. You're Vaughn. You're born to be wild. You're the bad boy. I'm the bad guy. So anyway, I'll pause there and I'll get into the ball game. Two hours late to the game. I'm a little appalled with you. I can't believe what I'm hearing. I couldn't get a car. And then you have to stop and feed the baby. Then he shits his pants. Then she comes her pants. And then. Drove by San Quentin, though. That was exciting. Oh, that's cool. Who has a baseball team, by the way? No way. Isn't that wild? Did you get a look at it? Oh, yeah. It's right off the highway. You're driving. The San Quentin's right there. You can look right in. That's crazy. You see a guy running. It's funny. They're big for their prison. Alcatraz, San Quentin. Oh, yeah. The other guy. There's another one with a bunch of gang bangers in it over there. Hey, folks. This episode of Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by ZocDoc. This is one of these sponsors that I love. It's easy. Come on across, Mark. They won't mind. I love to you have this as one of our sponsors because I really use this. I used it before. I'll use it for the future, for the rest of my life. ZocDoc's the best. Making a doctor's appointment shouldn't be difficult. I agree. ZocDoc is here to help. It really is easy. ZocDoc is a free app and website that lets you search, compare local, in-network doctors with open appointments. No waiting on the phone or calling around to multiple offices. Just click to instantly book an appointment. It really is that easy. You guys listen to the show. You know I'm dumb. You know I can't figure stuff out. ZocDoc is super easy. Every doctor I use, my dermatologist, my dentist, my chiropodist, my cardiologist, my oncologist, I'm very sick, all got them from ZocDoc. It is easy and you can see a picture of their face. You can really judge them based on what they look like. That's my favorite thing to do. Most ZocDoc appointments happen within one to three days of booking. That's true. You can even get same-day appointments. 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That's pretty much it. promo code tuesdays you will also receive an additional 10 off and free overnight shipping on your first order wow visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information thanks bluechew for sponsoring the podcast and the bedroom all right well i got nothing that cool but i'll go quick so i had the crazy last week side splitters tampa the best thursday leave sunday all sold out can't wait they love us down there that's my favorite club market people of all times great club great town tampa they now are saying is the san diego of the east put that in your pipe and suck on it one of the dumbest things i've ever heard in my life come on beach hot people the universities party i guess san diego is spectacular i agree but i think tampa's got some moments i'm just trying to throw him a bone here i mean i love tampa but my god yeah well who's saying this uh some guy in tampa okay but uh i even opened with it and they were like huh it didn't fly out of the gate so forget it sorry tampons i pulled some strings but uh so before i got there's a there's a new bodega cat rip and this guy is gung-ho he's pissed he's pissing vinegar he's like we're gonna make some changes which you're like great let's sell this fucking hooch but it requires a lot of work because now he's going i'm in i'm the new guy in town we're gonna do this this this and this and i don't want to say no because i want to sell some alcohol and i want to play ball sure unlike sam so i go uh what are you thinking and he goes well you're doing tampa why don't we set up a show on wednesday you know it's one of these people who forget you have a life they're like we'll just send you here we'll send you here we'll send you here you're like i have a kid and i have to babysit him and what so he goes come down wednesday we'll do a show in new orleans it's tales of the which is a big whiskey festival in new orleans they have every year so it's a pretty good idea i sell a whiskey i'm from new orleans here we go so i go ah that's pretty good all right all right you pulled my ass i'll do it so we go to tipatina's sells out love it great great venue it's an honor to be able to play there as a new orleanian i get to you know i grew up going there it was the staples rcbgb's they say quick side note the other day i was in ohio and i had my tipatina shirt someone goes excuse me have you actually been there huh just such a weird question where you're like why would i have a shirt just of a place that i've never been to i think i got some shirts of places i guess maybe yeah but she also said it like it was some secluded crazy place well they take pride in it it's one of those like if you know you know kind of thing so you just some kind of fake what do they call those phony fairweather queef i guess so poser yeah yeah yeah like i think i have a cbdb shirt been there i guess but that's i guess maybe you're right maybe you're right but it's just it felt very accusatory i think she was accused yeah and you're like yeah yeah i've been there sal accuser you might be like yeah i've been on stage there you fat fucking loser cut my wedding you dirty whore but it's not some crazy place that's hard to find or get to of course yeah walked in it's not saying quitting so uh so we do the show at tipatina all the college friends come out the high school friends luckily and i hate to besmirch the the fine folks but the normans are out of town which they never are so i got to just do a show and live it up my friends like i got i got a i'll put you and i got a spare condo i'll put you in the condo so i get to stay in his condo great time flew down there zing zang zoo show is great still get that pre that that hometown jitter yeah still get it but uh now we might be drunk i don't want to say the uh the name but we're sponsored by one of these pre-drinks you know you're taking elixir before you drink alcohol right and it's supposed to kill the hangover uh-huh it did the enzymes the probiotics the antibiotics the prebiotics there's so many biotics it's very big now the um this drink will help you yes yes by the way i've tried every one that none of them work yeah i think just water and not drinking are the keys that's the key and then ironically if you are hungover another drink helps but nobody wants to tell you that hair of the dog thank you that bit you so i go out and of course you're with the buddies you're shotgunning beers before the show then after the show it's it's new orleans tradition you can't just go home uh-huh it's a fucking wednesday whatever it is i guess we'll go to the bar we'll have one 4 a.m later now the problem is two you are the event i know you're the special occasion i hate the occasion norman's in town right larry's in the car it gives you some reason to go out yes all these guys have kids now they need jobs but here we are my i watch my buddy you know they kick us out at 4 a.m he's doing this shit bumping morrison bumping into his car and uh like see you later mike he's like all right take it easy yeah you know telephone pole whatever so that's just how it goes he made it home i guess i text him the next day um so i went too hard shot shot shots as you as the song goes wake up oh i gotta get to tampa shit you're doing good to nero accidentally i paint houses okay that's the movie you went with what else talking to me turn around to the corner you talking to me you talking to me okay i tried to go a little uh obscure i see what's that one take take that corner down there right there no no no no no yeah there you go tricks are on the house i told you to get your shine box wait that's the wrong guy yeah all right so uh wake up wake up got a flight to tampa now the wife and the baby are meeting me in tampa we're gonna do a whole florida weekend with the baby can't wait but i want to get there before them get the rental car check in be the man take a shower the whole thing so the only flight out of new orleans to tampa direct is an airline i've never heard of sass sas i keep seeing that airline what is that have you seen that i don't know sassy it says sas huh i have no idea what that is sas look up sas airline san antonio spurs spurs yeah that's all i could come up with huh sarah anal surprise oh that's a birthday that scandinavian airlines oh what's the second s i guess the lines uh interesting scandinavian airlines okay so what's the airline breeze oh i know breeze breeze air yeah they fly to key west oh drew breeze yeah so uh he's good new orleans exactly so um i got oh this breeze flight makes me not never heard of breeze it's an affiliate of jet blue febreze yes i could use some of that so by the way i wake up and i go what the hell happened to the elixir i got one eye open i'm doing robert de niro over here and uh this elixir stinks well it's all bullshit it's all bullshit so i took i had a row of them and i just took them all out of spite i just drank them all right then nothing happened had miscarriage whatever so then i get to the airport my head's throbbing i'm shitting water my dick hurts the whole thing and you're like god damn it i hate drinking what am i doing with new orleans i gotta get to the city i gotta get to tampa get the shit together get a rental car you want the rental car wreck yeah the good one forget hurts hurts can suck my dad's ass sixth oh i know six is big they're they're climbing the charts because i remember doing sixth years ago in la being like what the hell is this thing i never heard of this why is there a t on sixth yes but it's good but quick side note about hurts they drove me to they you drop the car they drive you to the terminal and my guy was a big like hindu guy with the diaper and the big long beard marty's what that smell is marty goes he goes i'll drive you to the terminal i'll drive you to the gate i'll drive you to the gate and i go great so i move over and marty goes who's this guy who's this guy that's your son all right that's lunch that's good stuff but it was so much better that the guy was like hello kids say the funniest shit did i ever tell you what my my my nephew we were walking around brooklyn and we saw a blue-haired lady and he goes is that a clown and i was like oh my god that's the best thing i've ever heard that just is that a clown that reminded me of another point that matt wayne made but i gotta come back to that well this is quick side note my son is in this moment now at two and a half they're almost three where a hundred percent of the things he says are either hilarious or adorable uh there's no in between sometimes both everything yeah exactly that's amazing really delightful but have you ever heard this point you're a big simpsons you're a simpsons dork sure i never thought of this my whole life and i'm sure people have talked about this their hair makes no sense yeah of course i've thought of that marge has hair blue hair homer has a thing but then lisa and maggie and bart their head is just their hair yes yes why does some have hair and some don't have hair i think it's i have a theory on this i've thought about this bart is a blonde guy a blonde guy who's a blonde guy who's a blonde guy who's a blonde guy with yellow skin, so his hair just goes, he's got like a, like a, what do you call that, like a 50s butt cut, not butt cut, a croup cut. Yeah. And Lisa has spiky hair, I guess. I guess, but I've seen a picture of Bart, and he looks like a little 50s kid. Because Milhouse also has hair. He has blue hair. Yeah. I think that in an episode of The Simpsons, they had them in real life. Yeah. I think that something happened where, like, Homer put on glasses and he saw the family in real life, and it's basically what Mark is talking about. Blue hair is brown hair in their world. I see. So Marge is a brunette. There is brown hair in their world, though. Ah, shit. It doesn't really make sense. It's funky. It's weird. And also, yellow is white, because they have Carl, who's black. Right. So yellow, I think, is just a white guy, not Asian, ironically. Oh, yeah. All right, anyways, okay, so you go to six. Six is the best. Six is the shit. I did a boop-beep-boop-boop-boop. You show up, you scan a barcode, the guy handed me a key. I love it. Going six all day. Going six all day every time I go. Get the car. I'm turning into Les De Niro. I'm getting more peshy. What the fuck? Where's my car? I get the car. I go to the hotel, check in, get the room all ready. I go, we need a crib in this crib. So then I shower up. I try to get some hangover jizz off me. I go to the bar. Bloody Mary. Go to the airport again, pick him right up. Nice. Now, BT, the runner, the guy, the owner. The best. The best, the biz. He hooked me up. He hooked me up with a hotel that's eight minutes from the airport and, like, 20 minutes from the beach and 15 from the club. He knows the spots. Sure. He's like, they're great with kids. They got a pool there. It's great. So, bing-pang-pow, great hotel. The Grand Hyatt in Tampa Bay. Ooh, that sounds nice. Now, this is when it gets fishy. So, you know, the kid, we should pick up the kid. He's loving Florida. He's running all over the hotel. He's so cute. They add so much world to the world. You know, he's, like, in the hotel room. Like, ah, jumping on the bed, jumps off the bed, looks out the window. He goes, pool, pool, you know. It's very joyful. It's very joyful. So, the kid's trashing the place. He loves opening doors, opening drawers, looking in shit, you know, flipping stuff open. There'll be a box with coffee in it. He just, like, throws all the coffee out, you know. Then he picks up the coffee, puts it back in for fun, whatever. So, we go to the beach. We go to this. We go see dolphins, Jerry. We got on a boat and saw dolphins. That's fun. He didn't care, but it was adorable because all these people are on the edge of the boat, and they're going, ooh. Like, when they jump, the whole crowd goes, oh, oh. All the phones are out, and then, like. It's like a roast. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's like Jerry Springer. You don't know me. So, then, I'm holding him. I'm trying to get him up above everybody. Like, look, look, look. Oh, and I'm like, did you see it? Did you see it? Five minutes go by. We're all on the way back, and he goes, oh. You know, it's adorable. It's like what you said. He doesn't get it. He doesn't get it. He's trying to be involved. It's adorable. That's sweet. So, we get back to the hotel. I got a gig. Now, this is the hard part about having the kid and the wife on the road. I work at night. You're telling me. So, you're doing double duty. Yes. You're waking up with the baby, playing with the baby, taking the baby to the dolphin, buying all the meals, going out. You guys good. You're driving everywhere. You're driving back. Then, I'm like, I got to go. It's 6 o'clock. The show's at 7. I got to get over there. And she's like, all right. She goes to bed at 8. She's prego. He goes to bed at 7. I'm on stage. I'm doing merch. I'm doing photos. I'm doing riffing. I'm trying new shit. I'm fucking around. I'm bombing. I'm getting heckled. You get back at 1 a.m. I have a couple of high noons. Get back. 1 a.m. You fall asleep at 2. Baby's up at 6. Right. And this is three days of that. So, it got pretty hairy. But by Saturday, I go, all right. I got to go. We have three shows Saturday. You know they do a 6 o'clock. Sure. So, we have three shows Saturday. So, I'm like, I got to leave at 5-ish. Where's my watch? Got the new hot watch. Can't find the watch. Huh. Oh, boy. Let me flip the room upside down. Bed. Behind the counter. Behind the dresser. Flip the chair over. Maybe it's in the shower. Maybe the kid put it in the trash. Maybe the kid put it in the shoe. You're like Bruce Willis. Yes. The watch. So, it's a chopper, baby. So, I'm like, what the fuck? Where the hell's this watch? And then I go, you know what? When we went out, I asked to have the room cleaned. I got a fresh new silver watch, Omega. Couple K. Right on the dresser. They can't steal a $10,000 watch. They'll go to fucking prison, these people. Well, you think, okay, now a couple hours have gone by. I go down to the desk and I go, I don't want to be that guy. And I'm never this guy. But I had a watch. Not seeing the watch. And I got the wife in my ear kind of going like, that's an expensive watch. Holy shit. And I'm like, what are you doing? So, I go to the poor girl who's new, the blonde girl at the desk with the pantsuit. And she's like, ah. Let me get a manager. And I'm like, hey, I was just saying it was an expensive watch. I can't find the watch. She's like, okay, Charlie, Charlie. So, this guy comes up, cool guy, Charlie with the jacket on. And he goes, huh, you can file a lost and found report. And I go, well, it's not lost. I think it's stolen. And he's like, okay, well, yeah. And then I go back to the club. I tell the opener, Forrest Shaw, great guy. You know Forrest? Yeah, but why can't I place him? And the chunky guy, blonde hair, gravelly voice, very funny. Yeah, I think I know him. He's going to be hurt when he hears this. I can't remember where I know him, though. Because they're chunky or because they're not knowing him? Yeah, I guess both. That was a real bang, bang, double hit. Thick guy, sturdy, sturdy. You're like, you know that fat guy? I'm like, I totally forgot him. This is the most painful thing I've ever heard. All right, well, great guy. So, he goes, oh, yeah, that's no good. You know, my buddy's a lawyer. Let me text him. He says, are you going to act fast? You got to really file a report and get over there. And I was like, ah, jeez. So, now he's in my head. So, I go, he goes, you better call that hotel. So, I call him and I go, let me talk to Charlie. Because now, you know, everybody's pumping you up. Right. So, I got him saying something. I got the lawyer saying something. The wife's in my ear. So, I'm like. You need me. I'd pump you down. I'd need a pump down. I'd be like, this is an illegal immigrant. They're not just going to steal a $10,000 watch. They'll get fucking punted out of the country. That's what I said. You misplayed. But, there's a safe in the room. Why is there a safe in the room? Well, people do steal, of course. Uh-huh. Why aren't you using it is a better question. I can't figure out the buttons. You got a five-figure watch over there. It's too confusing with the pound and the button and the star. Can't do it. But, that's a big gamble if you're going to start stealing $10,000 watches. Sure. But, hey, you got to start somewhere. I suppose so. So, I go, hey, Charlie, you better. I don't feel like you're giving me a bit of it. I went full. I went full Karen. I went like the Louie bit about the laundry, the white privilege bit. And, he was like, because it's a Grand Hyatt, so they got to, what's the word? Be good service. Appease. Appease. It's a 10 Grand Hyatt. Yeah. Appease and carrots. So. Remember who you're dealing with. Yeah. So, he goes, I'll keep track of it, sir. I'm on it. Don't you worry, Mr. Norman. I'm on it. Pretty good, huh? Yeah. Bye-bye. So, I go, all right. I feel a little better. I go home. Get home at 2 in the morning. They're passed out. You tiptoe in. You crack the door open. The baby wakes up. You go, ah, jeez, get out of here. Whatever. So, then the next day goes by, and I go, still nothing with that watch, huh? I look through the room again. Nothing. So, I was like, fuck. So, I go down there, and I go, just saying, I still haven't found the watch. They're like, all right, sir. We know. Bit, bit, boo. And, I go, oh, my God. God damn it. So, I kind of give them a little more lip music, or chin music. I like lip music. Okay. Yeah. The kazoo. So, I go, all right, shit. Go back to the show. Do more shows. Whatever. Wife texts me. Found the watch. Now, it's almost- Did they put it back? Oh. Maybe he said, hey, Esmeralda, we got a watch, and she went, damn it. She shits it out of her asshole. Yeah. Sticks it under the pillow. Well, you know what the problem is? I've never owned anything nice. Right. So, when it's gone, I'm like, thief. Uh-huh. So, the kid, the kid put it, guess where he was? He was, or the watch was? Guess where the kid put the watch. Up his ass. I wish. I would have found that. He shits like a mule, this kid. Under the pillow. In the pillowcase. No. In the drawer. Next to the Bible. No, I checked all the drawers. Drawers are easy. Toilet. No. Cabinet. No. Showerhead. No. Sink. No. Rug. No. I give up. All right. He's got the crib. It was under the little shitty flap mattress. So, the kid stashed it on him in his onesie, went to bed, took it out, put it under the mattress. Like, you have to flip it up, put it under there. Flip it up, smack it, rub it down. I don't know how the wife found it. So, she found the watch. So, I felt so bad. But, I personally went down to Charlie and I apologized. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. I really gave him the. I went full, like, asshole, celebrity, cunt, rich guy on him. Well, I probably fired a homeless lady with six kids and said, hey, you stole a watch, you piece of shit. That's true. Well, she had it coming. But, yeah. Sorry there, Paco and Senorita. Well, it happens. But, yeah, you got to start putting that in a safe space. I guess so. Like we talked about, watches appreciate. Right. So that thing could be worth $700. 70 million one day. Yeah, I guess so. Good point. Well, I got that thing back. Oh, boy. Oh, shit. I don't know where it is. Chuck stole it. But I'll find it. I'll find it. Chuck, you're fired. So then I had this, and I'll give it back. Seriously, you're fired. Yeah. Now, my 20 years of doing comedy, 19 years, whatever, never had this one. You always hear these tales of this happening at a show. First time. Doing my set. Going good. Saturday late show. Cooking. New material. Hubbub in the crowd. Hold on, hold on. Cut it. Cut it. I'm like, what? What's this? Huh? Stop it. Cut. What the hell's going on over there? You think, all right, shut up. Pipe down, Dickless. I'm trying to do a bit here. That's funny. No, no, this is serious. And I'm like, what? And you see a bunch of tables stand up and part. And I go, oh, what's going on? And the guy goes, seizure. Oh, wow. And I see a guy's leg. He's like, uh-uh, from the floor. Julius seizure. Yeah, flop it up. And I was like, oh, jeez. So then you're like, do I make this funny? Do I joke? Do I not joke? Do I keep it going? Now the whole crowd's like this. Woo. You know, there's always one lady who goes, oh, dear. Whatever the fuck. Especially in Florida. They got the big hat. They do this move. Right, right, right. A lot of, what's that, Panama Jack? Or who's that guy? What's that brand there? Mahama Jack. Oh, shit. Baltimore Chop. No, no. No, it's Havana, Banana. Detroit Rock City. Yeah, well, they got some kind of a. Seattle Sleuth. You know what I'm talking about. The Florida brand. LA Woman. It's all the Hawaiian shirts that dads wear. Bahama Breeze. Oh, Bahama. Breeze Airlines. No, no, no. Bahama Mama. Panama Jack is something. Is that it? Maybe that's it. That's a thing. That's not the Hawaiian, though. I think that's a hat. That's a Hawaiian burger joint. It is a tasty burger. Big kahuna. So, you know what I'm talking about. Panama. Panama. Slush Puppy. It's a town. Hawaiian Johnny. It's a place and a name. Hawaiian Punch. Showtime at the Apollo. I can't remember, but. He's got it. It's irrelevant. Tommy Bahama. Tommy Bahama. I had it backwards. I'm dyslexic. It's a name, then a place. Tommy Bahama. So, it's Tommy Bahama with big leaves out there, and the guy gets kind of carted out. BT's going, this is bad. This is bad. Hang on. Hang on. He's 6'18", or whatever he is. He's a foot. I mean, he's a tall man. He's very tall. So, he's like, hang on. This is real. And I was like, ah, shit. All right. Because he doesn't want to get sued. So, he's like, how do I play this? And so, they wheel the guy out. He's like, you know, like a football player who got knocked out. They pull him off the field. And I got to go back in. And one guy goes, you're killed. Yeah. Yeah. You got to say that. And everybody goes, boo. Fuck you. Whatever. And then this other guy goes. I kind of was like. I was a little flustered. I was like, ah, how do you get back? And one guy goes, fuck him. Do the show. And I was like, okay, great. That's America, baby. That's Florida for you. And I do some jokes and blah, blah, blah. And I go, you know what? That joke I was doing was new and it sucked. And that guy kind of saved me. And one guy goes, do the joke. And I go, I don't want to hurt anybody else. Whatever. We're having fun. But yeah, first seizure. So, then the guy's out there. And BT's like, you got to go home. He stayed? He stayed. He goes, I'm fine. That's never happened to me. And BT's like. That's never happened to you? Yes. If it happens all the time, that would be like, all right, go back in. Exactly. This is your regular night. Never happened is trouble. I hope the guy's okay. But BT sent him home because he's like, I can't have you go back in there. You're like a liability now. Yeah. Oh, we're doing some work on the house. By the way, two of his friends stayed, which I find flattering. That's nice. Yeah, they stayed. He seizure'd his way out of town. And yeah, we went on with the show. We had a great night. Little seizures. I don't know. I'm tired. Yeah. Seizure and assist. What the hell's going on up there? It sounds like a dentist. Oh, yeah. What are they doing? I don't know. Oh, you know what? Boring. But see the floors here. These are nice floors. The ones in the kitchen have these, they're too spaced out. So all the food gunk gets in there. That's trouble. So we're getting, I think he's cutting little strips to put in the crack. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. All right. Well, let me get back into the ballgame. Ballgame. No, no, no, sorry. That was a fucking a million laughs. So finally, I make it up to Yuba City. Yeah, it's Yuba. Which is kind of a shithole place. It's one of these places like, how did you guys get a ball club up here? It sounds like a joke. Like, you don't play better. You're going to be up in Yuba City. Exactly. And it's a small ballpark. And they're also like, by the way, don't expect a crowd. We don't really draw very well. Well, how many people can live in Yuba? Well, I drew all the people. It was all Tuesdays came up. Oh, okay. And I said, hey, I'll be on the ball club. So I'm playing. I'm playing for the Yuba City Freebirds. Yuba, Jerry. Yuba. So it was wonderful. We arrived. The manager, the skipper, Tony, couldn't have been kinder. We took batting practice. That was fun. I'm smacking the ball all over, which is exciting because, you know, I show up, I'm a gangly homo. Sure. They go, who's this guy? This is the problem. It's a starter league. It's a young league. This is people's first professional baseball. So they're all 21, 22 years old. Oh, you got an old geezer here. They don't know who they are. I don't know who the hell I am. No. I'm not big enough to appeal to 21-year-old baseball players. They want Matt Rife or Marcelo. Or Shane Gillis. Right. So I literally, I go in, they're like, I meet a couple guys. I'm like, hey, how's it going? They're like, what's your deal? And they're also, they played 94 games in like four months. They have no days. They have Monday off, but they're traveling. Not one guy knew you? I don't think. Wow. Not one guy. One guy was like, you were just on the, what's the guy that's on the TV show with the deep voice? You were on his podcast. He was on his podcast. He's talking about Soder. Because Soder's blowing up. Yeah, he is. So they kind of knew me, and I went, they introduced me to the team, and I went, hi, everybody. You've never heard of me, but I've been on the Tonight Show. They go, what's that? I've been on Netflix. They're like, no, you haven't. And I go, I know Shane Gillis. And they go, oh. There's like a murmur through the crowd. Yes, yes, it was. They're like, oh, Shane, OK. Then I have literally seven people come up and be like, do you really know Shane Gillis? Is that a joke? I'm like, wow. Yeah, no, I know him. You got to go. Look at the photo. Look at these. Look at these. I got the number here. I texted him. I was like, hey, buddy, between you and me and the lamppost, I'm with a bunch of 20-year-old hot boys that don't believe me. Can you send a video? And he goes, you got it. What's the team name? I'm about to go on stage. I go, they're the Freebirds. You're saving my ass. Thank you very much. They're going to go nuts for this. You know basically like Elvis. Exactly. You got a video from Elvis. So then I start walking around. I go, hey, there's a video from Shane coming. They're on a 10-game skit. They lost 10 games in a row. So I go, just call me a homo and say, you're going to break the streak. He said, you got it coming right up. What a guy. So now I'm going around during batting practice. Now they're going, he's got a video from Shane Gillis. And I'm smacking the ball all over the outfield. I'm spraying them everywhere. Hell yeah. Well, Shane's got to watch out because they're going to post that. So all of a sudden, they're like, this guy's hitting the ball all over the park. He's getting us a video from Shane. Then I go out in the outfield. I shag a couple fly balls. They're like, this guy's no joke. Oh, you're like Sandlot, but the other way. Because they didn't accept him. Right. You're Smalls. So you're Biggs. I'm Biggs, baby. Biggie Smalls. Whoa! That's a clever name. That's good. Then I had this moment, by the way, where they go, hey, you're a comedian? Well, we got a couple jokes out here. Now, these are young ballplayers. And I got to tell you, the age of political correctness and wokeness, that's out. That got ejected. Well, especially with the youngers. Yeah. So these two kids come up to me. And I won't even kind of even allude to these jokes, because these guys could lose. They're licensed. Locker room talk. We got a couple jokes for you. You got to kill the cameras, though. Oh, hell yeah. I love that sentence. And these jokes were too hot for this show. I'll tell you that. No. Whoa. Whoa, mama. Yeah. I mean, I was like, wow. They're like, you got a knee? And I'm like, I'm not falling for this. Check the Patreon, because we got to play these. Oh, it's a hot number. Good for them. These are young, red-blooded men. With cameras around. They're like, check this out. That's no good. Wow. So anyways. That was fun. So Shane's like, I'm walking on stage. I'll hit you with a video. So I'm going. Now we go to the locker room. Big speech beforehand. This is Joe. And I go, yeah, folks, I bombed so hard. Oh, I've been there. I'm like, I'm excited. And Shane's sending that video. And they go, whoa, the video from Shane. Oh, look at the Shane video. It's like pulling out a birthday when you're bombing at a show. Like, any birthdays here? How about the troops? So now every 30 seconds, I'm pulling my phone out of my video. No, no, no, no video. What are you doing, Gil? Let's go. I know you're shooting tires, doing arenas, the link, and hanging out with Kanye. But we've got to make a video for a minor league team here. It's the night after he did 72,000 people at the stadium. So I'm like, nothing. They go, hey, have you got that video yet? The skipper comes by. Hey, we want to play that video before the opening pitch. So just shoot it on over as soon as you get the video. So I'm like, yeah, yeah, that's coming. Don't worry. And now people start coming over. They're like, were you just fucking with us? You don't know Shane Gillis, Gil. Where would you have met Shane Gillis? Glocks, dick, and Gil. Then I get this one. People come up and go, so do you still do stand-up? Do you still do shows? And I'm like, I'm a comedian. Currently. I'm a professional comedian. So I'm like, yeah, I'm in Tacoma all weekend. They're like, Tacoma? What's that? Hey, hey, it's better than Yuba. And you want to be like, I'm so much more successful at comedy than you'll ever be at baseball. But you can't say that, because you're a teammate. So you've got to be, yes, I do comedy. I go, Nate Bargatze? They go, you don't know Nate Bargatze. So I text. Hey, it's Nate. I'm like, hey, can I get a video? He doesn't write back. So I'm like, I'm done. Calling Sal Volcano, I'm like, can you hit me with a, can you do a prank for me? You should have hit up Soder. He would have sent you a fucking movie. That's a good point, but I just think of Soder as such a bag of shit compared to Nathan. Well, all right. Well, they're doing arenas, to be fair. Yeah, he's, you know. He's on the come up. Yeah. They're up. So, anyways. Coming. Never get a video. No! It's like the seventh inning, they're like, hey, didn't you say Shane? Because we could use a little pep in our step over here. Oh, you struck out. So, he texts the next day, Shane, he goes, hey, sorry, I went on stage, totally forgot. And I go, no problem. Oh, it's West Coast time. And I go, hey, if you still feel like it, I'm gone now, but if you still make a video, they ended up winning last night, we'll both be heroes. He goes, oh, kick ass. No video! He fucked me. He's going to hear this, you big son of a B. He blew it. Well, I did the thing where I said, no sweat, obviously, no big deal, don't worry about it. I should have been like, you got to get me this video, buddy, because I look like a bag of tits. He's hanging out with 3-6 Mafia. He didn't have time for a little drinky-dink video for the Freebirds? Well, he's like, I'm throwing out the opening pitch at the Phillies. Fuck the Yuba Freebirds. Damn, but that would have been legendary. Did the Birds Stadium, the Eagles. Sure, go Birds, Freebirds. So, anyway, so now the game's starting, I'm on the team, I'm getting in that bat, which is nerve-wracking, because I'm going to be out there, Jerry. These are fast balls coming down the line. Well, these are professional baseball players. I got the uniform on, I'm number 19. By the way, I forgot my cleats, I didn't forget, I couldn't pack my cleats, because I was leaving for a week. So, I'm wearing a fucking baseball, what do you call it, running sneakers, like an asshole. Oh, no. And everyone's like, when are you changing your shoes? You've got to go out there. And I'm like, I don't have the shoes. What do you got, hookahs on, hookahs? New Balance, or A6, and I was running late, so I didn't have time to pick up cleats, I didn't pack my cleats, I look like a fucking deadbeat homo. A6, you're A6. So, the guy goes, they've lost 10 games in a row. 10 games in a row, this team. Good group of guys. Yikes. So, they go, all right, it's got to be early in the game, we're going to get you out there so you can just relax, which I appreciate. That's good. Springsteen does this, when he has a special guest, he's like, we'll play the first few songs, that way you're not sitting around, you can just enjoy the show, which I appreciate. Interesting. Because usually you have a special guest, you bring them out during the encore. Ah. So now, if you're fucking Paul McCartney playing at the Springsteen show, you can sit around for three and a half hours. Right. So, Springsteen's like, well, I'm going to sit around for three and a half hours. We'll do the second song, you come out. How nice is that? That's very thoughtful. That way you can go get drunk and watch the show. That's a pro. So, anyways, he goes, well, the first inning, if the first two batters get out, you'll hit third. Got it. And he goes, same with the second inning, and if not, you'll lead off the third. So now, every inning, I'm like, are they going to get out? We end up scoring seven runs in the first inning. It's a rout. So, I'm like, okay, I can relax for a while. Yeah. Then the second inning, we get a bunch of guys on base again. So, now I'm like, okay. So, now he's like, all right. Well, you're going to get out. So, you're leading off the third. Is that scary? It's scary. I'm pacing around, because they're throwing 90 miles an hour here. Of course. And you've got sneakers on. And there's a small part of you that's like, are they going to throw at me? Because if I was a baseball purist old guy, if I'm like, you're going to send a comedian out here, I'll just peg him. Yeah, right in the side. The nice thing is, though, these guys are trying to make it. So, they're all like, don't worry. They want to pad their stats. They're going to try to blow you away in three pitches. Got it. Got it. They don't want to have a hits batsman. Is it weird for them? Like, hey, we're trying to make it. We're trying to make it here as pro ballers, and we've got some clown in the ring. A little bit, but also, you've got to remember, they're playing 94 games in four months. They're playing every day. So, any kind of breaking upping of the boredom. Sure. The repetish. Well, baseball is similar to comedy in the way that so much of it is killing time. Ah, right. There's just a lot of day in and day out, on the road, same guy. They all know, like, card tricks. They're doing, like, I went out to the bullpen. They're like, if you're going to have any liquid come out of your fingertips. Oh, they're doing that stuff. What would you do? That kind of stuff. Well, who would you rather? Oh, jeez. We've got to wrap up. So, anyway, I did toothpaste. That's mine. Oh, that's good. You never have to buy it. How often do you forget toothpaste? All the time. I go to the front desk. And you've got to get that stupid ketchup pack and a toothpaste. Yeah, and you can hit up your friends. I got you. Yeah. Anyways. And your son. So, it's a lot of stuff like that. A lot of boredom. A lot of, like, killing time. Anyways. So, now, I'm leading off. It's like, okay, great. Now, I'm like, people want to give you advice. Oh, you've got to do this. See the ball. Hit the ball. Blah, blah, blah. And I'm thinking, all right, I'm going to get three fastballs, hopefully. Because any kind of curveball, I have no chance. No. I don't know if you ever try to hit a curveball. Or knuckle. The old saying is, nothing's kept more people out of the big leagues than the curveball. Knuckleball is actually easier than a curveball. Still hard. Still very hard. So. Me too. I go, all right. Here we go. Here we go. And right before I go out there, I couldn't sleep for days. Huge regrets. I go, I'm swinging at the first pitch, because he's got to be the best pitch I see the whole time. First pitch, fastball. I'm going to try to jump it, you know? And your son's out there, right? My son's out there. He threw out the opening pitch. It was amazing. They announced him. The crowd went crazy. You could see his first taste of a crowd. What? How'd you leave that out? They go, wow, we ran out of time. Oh, my God. I mean, could he make it? What, did he stand four feet from the guy? He was about four feet from me. He threw it to me. Oh. So they go, here's comedian Joe List and his son, Marty List, throwing out the first pitch. Do we have any of this? Oh, yeah. On video. Oh, yeah. So he's walking around going, I'm throwing out the first pitch. I got to throw out the first pitch. It was very exciting. The crowd goes nuts. There's a lot of Tuesdays out there. Yeah. Throws out the first pitch. Throws a perfect strike. The crowd goes nuts. Like, wow. Chanting Marty. And he's like this. It was the thrill of a lifetime. You got the uniform on. You got to see it. Unbelievable. Did it fit? Yeah, yeah. It's a kid's uniform. Oh, man. This is too much. I can't take it. It was unbelievable. So now I'm going up there. Before I go up, one of the coaches goes, you should take a pitch. Take a pitch. See what it looks like. Get a feel for it. God, this is nerve wracking. And I'm like, take a pitch. All right. Maybe I'll take one. And my last question. What are we talking? 50% full? 80? 100? 5? 10%? I would say the venue holds 3,000 people, and it's about an eighth full. OK. I don't know what that means. There's about 400 people there. All right. Not even. Maybe 180 people. There. Scattered. Also, I got to shoot the t-shirt cannon. Jesus. Pumped it up too much. All three left the stadium. Not a person got a shirt. I'm not joking. 100% of them went up the parking lot. That's your home run right there. I was just hitting windshields. Boom. Wow. Boom. Damn. So now I'm on the on-deck circle. Marty's in the front row. Here we go. Oh, my God. Dad's playing baseball. My wife is there. My son is there. And my friend, Mike Shapiro, the president, this pimple, he goes, take a pitch. You should see one. Take one. And that way you can see it, get a feel for it. All right. So now I'm going, all right, that's two people in a row told me to take one. The president and the coach. All right. I guess I'll take a pitch. So I go up there. Meaning just eat one. Let it fly by. Let it fly by. Get a feel for it. And then the catcher does this move. This means this is easy. This guy is a schmuck. Just throw it right by him. Got a real live one here. You know? So I go, OK. So I step in there, give the pitcher a little thing. It's a left-handed junk baller, curveball guy. So here comes the first pitch. I'll take one. Right down the middle. About 83 miles an hour. OK. Well, that's a strike. You could have used that one. So right away, I'm like, well, now I'm down 0-1. Yeah. Two left. Now they've got two strikes left. Yeah. And right away, I'm like, I have three chances to hit a professional baseball player. And I just cut them down by a third. And you let one go for free. Because two assholes told me to. And it's the classic thing of like, why am I? Why am I letting my brain change for someone else? Yeah. Well, they are professional. They live in this sport. You watch this sport. They live in it. They live in it. But you take a pitch if you're going to see many pitches. Yeah. You take one to see the guy. You're going to have three at-bats. Right. I have one chance. You're right. You're right. Did you hit the cages before? Oh, yeah. We did all kinds of BP. OK. So now here comes the second pitch. All right. I'm like, all right. He's not going to throw anything funny. He's just going to try to throw me right out. And he knows my son's there. He knows I'm an old man. Oh, God. Here comes the second pitch. Swing and a miss. OK. 84 miles an hour. Wow. I go, OK. Time out. Time. You call time. Yeah. OK. I call time. I look around. I go, take it in. I look at my son. I look at my wife. I got one chance left. This is it, Fatty. Here we go. Now, maybe he's going to throw some junk now. What if he throws a curveball? What if he throws one at me? He wants the stats. So I dig in with my sneakers. Oh, boy. Oh, God. Big breath. Now, this is my first live batting at bat in 31 years. Is there anybody in the stands going, we got a tomato can. Real pussy. Ugly guy. No, we're all going, two's gay. Big party proud. OK. Your father hates you. Here we go. My father's gay. So I'm down 0-2. Here it comes. He whines. He kicks. He delivers. Strike three. You're out. And all I can think is, if I had one more shot. Ah. Ah. I might be able to ground one out. Find a hole. Get a piece of one. Go opposite field. Maybe land on a ball. I just took a pitch like an asshole. Yeah. So now, but now, silver anal, you can always dream if you had that one last shot. Because you didn't fail. You gave one away. So you can always think, if I had one more, there's hope there. There's some gray area. It's one of those things where I probably would have swung a miss, but I would have had one more shot. Of course. Of course. Your odds. I asked for the ball. The guy gave me the ball. The manager signed it. First strike out. It was fun. It was cool. And then now you're like, OK, I can relax. And then now I get to. I coached first base, which was fun. I'm going, oh, find a hole now, kid. You got ducks on the bond. Then I go, wouldn't it be fun if I got ejected? Yeah. That's the other dream. So after the sixth inning, I go, all right, I'm going to go get run. So the manager's a fan of mine, but I'm not the manager of the umpire. Oh, here we go. He's a fan of mine. Yeah, great guy. So I go down there, and I go, now they use, and we'll wrap this up in a second. They use, it's all automated, the balls and strikes. It's just the laser beam camera, and it just goes red or green on the thing. So the umpire's not even calling balls and strikes. Oh, hey, hi. So I go down there, and I go, hey, listen, hey, Blue, you've been making every call perfectly. Every strike, you've called a strike. Every ball, you call a ball. You're nothing but class. We want to see some bad calls out here. And he goes, well, you want to see bad calls? I go, you're damn right we want to see some bad calls. They want to see some bad calls. And he goes, hey, you're going a little too far, buddy. I go, no, you can never go too far. I'll go too far. You want to see too far? He goes, you've been warned. I go, I'll warn your mother. And he goes, you're out of here. You're going to be kicked. I'm out of here. You're out of here. This whole courtroom's out of order. I got the video. I'll send it to you. I took the helmet. I threw the helmet. I grabbed a bucket of balls and whipped them all in the field. And I go, yeah, you've got to be a nuts, you piece of shit. And my son's looking at me going, what the hell's wrong with that? And I started kicking dirt on him. It was a blast. Wow, that's what you're there for. That's what they want. You're a comedian. I was whooping the whole crowd up, standing. Oh, you're a Savannah banana. And then I went and picked up all the balls. I was like, sorry about that. I'm sorry. I picked up all the balls. And I just stayed in the dugout, which was fun. Did you channel a little Leslie Nielsen in there? I went crazy. I was doing the dance and the business. But it was awesome. Dream come true. I'll try again next year. We're over time. I mean, the last thing I'll say, we've got to wrap this up, that feeling. I played a couple games as a youth. That third strike walkaway. It's very emasculating. But it's good for you. It teaches you about reality and life. Wow. I mean, it's a million to one shot again. If you get a base hit of this guy, he has to kill himself. So that was good. Yes. Well, you've got to think. For the pitcher, it's like fist fighting a woman. Yeah. I can't lose, but I also don't want to be mean. Right. You know, if you lose, it's a lose-lose for this guy. If you lose, hey, this fucking nobody, non-athlete, knocked it out of the park. I've got to make some changes. Or if you win, what are you, an asshole? Yeah. You're not going to help the guy out? Right. Well, I saw the pitcher after the game. I said, hey, thanks, man. That was great. It was such a thrill. And he goes, I tried to lay one in there for you. You took it. And I go, I know. I know. They told me to take it. I mean, he gave me one right down the middle, a fucking meatball. And I just watched it go by like a fucking jackass. So I got bad advice. Bad advice. But I've got to thank Mike and Harry and Jackson, all great guys. And I will be in Portland, Oregon, a couple weeks in August. And then St. Louis Funny Bone. I keep forgetting. I plugged that one. There's no tickets. St. Louis, one of my favorite towns. That's a lie. But I love that club. Good club. I do love the club. Patty and all those guys. Watch out for Patty. She's a firecracker. She sure is. So come see me on the road. And sign up for my email at punchup.com. We'll never spam you. We just say, hey, I'm coming to the town. That way you never miss a show. Here, here. When does this come out? Who knows? October? August 3rd. Ah, OK. Hey, come on out to Zany's Nashville. We're selling some tickets over there. Houston, we need you. Houston is not moving. Houston, we have a problem. Yes, I'm a little concerned. And then, you know, I'm all over the road after that, doing all kinds of crazy towns that I can't remember. Oh, boy. Hold on. Sorry, choo-choo train. Check. Why don't you go while you're doing that? Oh, wait. I got it. Pittsburgh Improv, Calgary, and Minneapolis, Denver, Madison, and Portland, Oregon as well. And I'm getting the hair plugs in late August. Fun. Come see those. I'll be shaved head. I'll be weirdo. Shaved head? Really? Well, you got to trim pretty close. Wow. That's going to be interesting. I know. I'm going to look real bad. Hey, Jim James, solo acoustic at Town Hall. Sorry, I'm looking at my emails. I don't know who that is. It's for my morning jacket. Ah, not for me. What do you got there? They're great. Check out my podcast, Funbearable. And more importantly, we're working on a very fun film project. And it's with the Impractical Jokers crew. We're doing a pilot. Mark and Joe have seen a couple things from it. It's hilarious. As much as I hate to admit it. It's very funny. Very funny. I would love to sit here and say, it's a bag of shit. Chuck can blow me. But it's good stuff. It's good. And thanks for not asking us to be in it. Yeah, that's really nice. Yeah, I considered it. But I'm like, I don't know if they can. Well, there's nothing worse than just calling in a last minute favor. Hey, can you make a video for my thing? You don't want to be that guy. But yeah, hit me up at Discount Chuck on Twitter and Instagram. Just DM me if you want to get involved. And this is for the backing of the post work. The back end. We do not need actors. We do not need writers. And we do not need comedians. Great. But I appreciate everyone who has flooded my inbox. There you go. Hallelujah. It's nice to hear that. Yeah. All right, folks. Well, we're going to do a bonus right now. So get on that Patreon. I'm going to tell you some of those jokes these ball players have told me. Oh, you've got to sign up just for the off-color zingers. Well, they're colorful. Oh, baby. Even better. All right. Signing off. We'll see you next time. Praise Allah. Queef it up. Yeah.