#667 Fairy Kisses

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hitter in the face of the surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah this Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be chasing oh hey we're here we're quick we're back look at that time be dead that's a nice you ever look at my kids got weird freckle of a freckle here you got one on his on his thigh and I go if you ever got kidnapped I go look for the freckle look to the cookie lane look to the freckle a lane now this I mean this could be a bit maybe it's been a bit when did you have this when you were a boy my parents would say if you would say freckles are where God kissed you when you've been being man oh God I got a freckle the size of a set a lips of my cock who's your and Joe Billy and Maxwell well you looked that up I want to know if anyone else ever said that or is that just my when they would always say that's where God kissed you and I had a circle on my ear I had a freckle on my finger oh I got a freckle my dick which means I got blown yeah I got one and that's all yeah that's it thank God every time I get blown come on to me I had love sex making last night for the first time in a while right vacation and I got back and it was just wonderful to have sex again sometimes it's good to abstain that's true what 10 11 days and then you fucking it's like brand new you're in love again yeah this might be too revealing but I was banging the wife to the night she goes we got to do this every night I remember I remember thinking that's gonna a lot my wife's never said anything like that in my life she was in the throes like I want to get well it's just every day pregnancy there's a hobo cook walking by you know I know that guy who's the he's delivered here yeah yeah well anyways my wife never says anything like that I'm like just once when I'm like I'm so fucking horny just be like me too all your news yes and you don't want to hear that yeah good point times up I will say we are roles at roles are flipped because my wife's like talk more say crazy shit I can't do I can't bring myself Jerry it's totally flipped totally flipped I got nothing here I mean we fuck it's great and dirty to the thing but like before in the middle it just once just once I want to be in the shower my wife's like whoa I just needed to see your cock oh yeah you're dreaming that's never gonna happen I know but just thank you nobody's wife does that pretend all these wives you say my god you're thinking everything else you know what I should do I should write a book you know this matter from Venus women are from cuts whatever Pluto I should write a book that's like here's how to say things to your man wear a business suit be like I want you to rip this off me shove your zipper you know well women get so mad at men because men are like oh we like with women do that we hate this we hate that women go shut up men we live our own lives we're feminists but anytime a woman's like if a guy did this that we had a guy I'm like I'm jotting it down say taking notes but we need women to do that more and men should be allowed to do that right you should be able to make a little gay video where you're wearing a suit and you go hey ladies listen up get in the kitchen maybe I'll do it maybe I'll make a video this can be good content of like what we want what men want yes yes make me a sandwich short the fuck off get just shoes off I never got the barefoot by the way yeah barefoot in the kitchen what does that mean well why could put a shoe on I like a heel I do what would you look up at the Freckle thing because it chucks it dying over here I dated a girl who was like just send me porn of what you want to do and oh wow that's incredible I don't like all this show every time we talk about women chucks like I had a three-sum with two fucking sluts yeah but you meet the girls up she's in a wheelchair it has one eye yeah you got to carry up the stairs no every time it's like oh yeah I had a girl one time she baked cookies in my ass and and came home all right I think it's okay all right so this is it's making me laugh because it says it is said that freckles are fairy kisses fairy kisses that birthmarks are wounds from invisible enemies that fairies protected you from oh that's my dick got saved there's also very yeah freckles are angel kisses okay is there any god kisses and there's kisses from God so it's like three different okay well God's kissing a lot of kids yeah just saying well and fairies do I mean I would love a fairy to kiss me I'm ready to fuck a guy sure well we're here every week I mean it's been yeah it's just one of those things you have a long life you live till 75 85 82 I think the cutoff or whatever they call it the natural the standard the average maybe I don't know about this country it's got to be lower than that in this nation 81 maybe what's the average lifespan for an American whatever it is it's younger than most politicians so how about Lindsey Graham five Mitch McConnell's dying and the Lindsey Graham just he goes yeah who is he again he's a closet homo from South Carolina yeah he's a big bag of shit in my opinion I can't believe that bison threw him in the air killed him do you want to guess on the average age for men or women I'm saying 78 let's go man I'll go 80 all right 76.5 oh yeah yeah that was way lower yeah maybe I'm thinking Europe 81.4 for women all right all right women women yeah ladies you live longer yeah enjoy that this is I got little tiny brains that don't hold them back I see wait what were we just saying though you're gonna make a video talking to women then you're gonna fuck a guy oh that's what I'm saying yeah what a fucking guy well it's just you live 80 years you're sexually active from the age of 25 on if you're lucky so that's 50 years and then you get married you're fucking the same old lady sure at this point I'll let Rupert blow me for a couple days oh man that's a patreon right there you got to get worried he'll probably bite it off and chew it up yeah if he puts ketchup on it first watch out you got ketchup on it yeah well Louie and that great but he's like maybe we'll do the second half gay he's like what else am I doing yeah it's a good point so I don't know I've never been with an Asian lady I know been with a American man got the great accent I figured I would get the Asian panties a sokin with some some dim sum and some dim come and some miso horny it's a bright guy this dim sum and bright come that's a t-shirt they got a sure you want come all over a shirt and your face I told you this story a million times probably but I just told the Sarah she was on the floor left and oh she's a tough crap so every every year for years for whatever reason my mother would buy the old Navy USA shirt you know that shirt they put out like an American flag American pride shirt 4th of July the 4th of July old Navy shirt and my mother would go out and buy one for everyone she knew every year that was like her thing that's exciting my both my cousins my aunt I think we're supposed to wear them to the main but I just never wore my so one year they were white and I never really wear white t-shirts for whatever reason yeah what's that about I don't know really I like a whitey so anyway so she bought the shirt she bought one for Tom does the Tom Dustin of course and he's like a family member I have a white hood so she goes oh here's the shirt and this is your shirt give this one to Tom so I go great now I never really wore the USA old Navy shit feels a little bit you know you're not gonna say this to your mother you're not gonna be like this is hack whatever I'm just not like a hey I love old Navy and America it's a little goofy it just feels silly you know my shirts are you know whatever the fuck the evil dead or some shit so I go great thank you I love you whatever it's a nice gesture exactly so I go back to the apartment and you know I'm 25 years old I'm a drunk I'm liberal toned I don't do I'm not like on top of my shit I'm not like here's this shirt my mother got you I haven't I bring them upstairs and one I decide I'll just come on I'm not gonna wear it and I like a shirt to clean up I've done this I've never heard this story yeah so every time I jerk off I use my team USA shirt I'd eat it up with the t-shirt this is gotta be unpatriotic I mean you burn this is worse than burning the flag no it's an old Navy shirt it's not on USA I mean this isn't old glory this is fucking it's an old Navy t-shirt Navy's part of the military and I kept it off the plaque the flag although I guess you know the first guy that jizz on the Navy no so I use this as a cum rag for about I don't know four months Jesus God bless America and you know we all know this come turns pretty yellow after you come on something for a while and crunchy no wash no wash it's come rag you know what come rag yeah what am I going down to the fucking dry cleaner dropping it off so I go you know whatever and then I'm hanging out with Tom one day and I go oh we're talking about my mother and I go oh you know what I gotta go I'm joking I go I go oh shit I forgot my mother got you a gift and he's like oh that's nice you mother's the best so I run upstairs and I got the two shirts I got his shirt and my shirt and for whatever reason I was drunk I had no glasses whatever the fuck I just grabbed the shirt and I come down I go here she got you this old Navy shirt he goes oh my God thank you it's folded up and then I go back upstairs oh my gosh she's the best and like I like the Flintstones I hear Joe and I go yeah he goes did you fucking spill coffee on this or something I go what and and he has an unfurled and it's just jizz machine. It looks like a map of the islands, yellow, brown, crust. And I was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. That's the wrong shirt. And so he's like, what? And I run upstairs. I get the fresh one and he's just holding my jizz. - Oh, thank God he didn't put it on. - No. - He's got some crunchy shirt up to his navel. - No, it just looked like a bag of frosted flakes. - She isn't on an American shirt. You're Yankee Doodle. - That's not bad. - Yankee Struel. - Yankee Doodle. - But anyways, yeah. So I gave him the big jizz shirt. I felt horrible because it was from my mother. I was like, this is from my mom. And it's just 50 come stains. - Oh, yeah. - One for every state. - One time, I used to just jizz and old socks and just throw them all over the room like dead soldiers. And one time my mom was like, oh yeah, did your laundry. I went in your room and got all your dirty clothes. And I was like, oh yeah, and she's like, yeah. And we had this look like I know every sock, every sock was as hard as a tin foil. - No, I had the same thing with my tidy whiteies. I would use tidy whiteies and just whip them under the bed. And then one day, they're just not there anymore. And I'm gonna have my son at some point. I'm just gonna have, you know, come all over my house. - Yeah, all those very kisses. I told you my old story about, I used to just, 'cause young dudes are so gross. - Sure. - I used to have a, what do you call it, twin bed. And it was up against the wall. And I just rub one out in high school and just roll over and hit it on the wall. - Like multiple migs. - Multiple migs. And my wall, we eventually moved out. And my dad's like, we gotta get, we gotta get moving. Let me help you move all your stuff. So we, we pulled the bed off the wall. And it looked like one of those candles a knoll Italian restaurant, just the leg tights galore. Just years and years of old dead kids all over the wall. Just dripping down thick white gooey, hard jizz from years. - It just collected. - Yeah. - And then someone moves in there. - I know. - I moved into this house, this jizz. - Every one of this house. - All the bricks got jizz on them, I'm sure. - Plus Chuck gets here early. He's probably throwing some gum in the wall. - Sure, Spider-Man. - Well, he loves Spider-Man a lot of webbing. - Oh. - But yeah, he knew it too. He knew it and I knew it. That was the worst part of like pulling that bed off the wall, he sees that waterfall. And he's just like, okay, let's just keep moving. - Well, it's crazy to think about this and I think about this all the time. I talk about it all the time. That for years, 'cause it's hard to remember now, you jerk off like four times in a day, every day. - Every day, had to go somewhere. - Now, you know, I come one day, I gotta wait two days. The next, even 24 hours later, I'm like, I'm still rebuilding. - Same. - Say hello. - Great construction. So back there, I mean, just the idea, if someone was like, you had to jerk off to completion four times today. Now at the age of 44. - Ooh, it's like drinking eight gallons of water. You know, you're like, I can do it. You ever try to drink eight gallons of water? - No. - I'm not eight glasses. - Oh, glasses, yeah, yeah, I drink eight glasses of. - Eight ounces, what it was, eight ounces? Eight glasses, yeah. - 64 ounces. - But it's a lot more water than you think. Are you trying to drink a gallon of water a day? That was always with the weight loss of people. Drink a gallon of water a day. So you have the gallon. And you just walk around with it all day. And after a while, you're like, I'm gonna drown internally. This is a lot of water. - Yeah, that's a lot of gum. - Yeah. - But it's the same with jerkin. You're like, I can do four a day. Then you're like, God damn. - No, 'cause I remember being a kid and like that fourth one, it would just dribble up. It would be like, she or like, it would hit the shoot. - It would fall out like this. - Right, right, like an old man going to bed. - Well, I had one the other day where we didn't get to make love for, you know, 10 days because we were on a vacation. And then when I came, I felt like a boy, it shot up to my nipple. I never rose since the 80s. - That's like, my lady loves a real sharp shooter. - Yeah, it's a good feeling. - Oh yeah. - Now I always wonder as a woman, do you feel the come shoot or just kind of gets kind of wet in there? - I asked her this. - Yeah. - And she said, the body knows. You can't really feel it because the whole point of sex is to reproduce. - Sure. - So when the jizz shoots, the vagina's like, here it is, scoop it up, let's see what we do. - Let's feel the scoop. - What on earth to do? They don't really feel like the moon and the tide. But I don't think they're like, "Well, I felt that." - But I think the pussy gets wetter, sticky, like wetter, it changes a little internally because this is new. - A new character's been introduced. - Sure, call the cramers in the house. Call in. - Woo, I'm Steven. - And hey, you lady, guys. Send us a photo of Come Drippin' on you. - Please, please. - Is that too much to ask? Come on. - Would it kill you to this? - Yeah, your fan or not? - Word, come on, you pussy. And send us a slow-mo video or a photograph. I mean, how hard is that? - I know, that's nothing to ask. You send us nice photos anyway. - Yeah. It's easy. - Just worries the Gmail.com. - Yeah, thank you. - Jizz drippin' out. - And don't you go hoardin' this if somebody does it. - Yes, yes, yes. - This was my idea. I want the full credit. If we get a snow-bally-com video, you shouldn't write on over to me. - We had a woman who sent in like a crazy shit. - I remember that. Yeah, that was very exciting. - What? - Me and Mark talked about it. - You saw it. - Yeah, this was a while, she diddled. - Oh. - She also. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh. - Oh, that, that magnet. - Yeah, that was, that was crazy. - That was another lady that did send bosoms at one point. - Yes. - That was like a year ago. - We've had that a year ago. - No, that's one that was like way longer ago. - Yeah, she was. - All right. - Yeah, maybe, yeah, reset those. 'Cause I'm backed up over here. I got nothing new. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - I got a old, old Navy shirt. - Yeah, what do we do? - A podcast for us. That is photos. - Jesus Christ. - What's the age stand for? What is that, Harry? - For what? - Jesus, age Christ. - Oh, holy. His middle name's Holy. That's amazing. - Holy, you know, you got knocked up with the nails. - I thought it was Herbert's or Howard. Where did that come? What's the origin of that? - Jesus, age Christ. Yeah. - I don't know if age Christ is in the Bible. - Jesus, age, tap dancing Christ. - It's set up. - Herby, it took herby. - Marowitz. - Ector. He's already, hey, Zeus, maybe he's Ector. It took me too long to figure out what H.E. double hockey sticks was. - Oh. - He said how long that took me. How's that? - Oh, the hockey sticks look like elves. - Oh, yeah, geez. - Yeah, never you would just hear it. You'd never put it together. - All right. As expected, Jesus does not have a middle name. It's a famous American slang edition. - So where did it come from though? Who came up with the H? - Who came up with it? - Somebody started somewhere. - You know, 86, like 86 in a restaurant, 86 carrots? - Yeah, 86 world series. That came from a speak easy on 86 Grove Street. And they would say the cops are coming. 86, go to a meeting like go to the 80s, go to that place. - No kidding. - We're shutting it down over here. - Where's 86 Grove Street? - It's right in the village. - Oh. - Yeah, so 86. - According to biblical scholars, the phrase like these stems from the Christogram or Christogram. - Christogram. - I know, I've never really. - JHS, which is abbreviation of Jesus's name in Greek. Early Latin translators misread the Greek letter ETA, which looks like an age as the English H. This led to the visual. - Oh, lost. - I thought it was just like a dad. 'Cause my dad would say when he would spank. He'd be like, "Jesus, H. Christ, look what you made me do." - I think that's how it got spread. I think people just say. - Uh-huh. - And this is Jesus H tap dancing Christ and the Blues Brothers. - I see the light. - That's the only time I've heard that. - Hey folks, this week's episode is brought to you of course by Sheet Thunder. I know you have it on. 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Shopify.com/tuesdays. That's Tuesdays. Thank you. We'll see you in hell. Back to the show. Well anyways, let's get into some stories for God's sake. This is Tuesdays with stories. You got that right, Fanny. I got some stuff. Hit me with it. Where you been? I mean, I haven't seen you since 1985. Well, the, uh, the 4th of July was a thing. And, uh, boy, I had a great with the kid. He just, it just becomes such a more holiday. You get to bring the kid to the beach. You get to give the kid a popsicle. You get to give a kid. We're out in the back yard playing. He, my kid will not stay in the home. He wants to get out. Oh, that's good. He's all about the outdoors. He hates the house. Perfect neighborhood for it. Yes, yes. He'll get abducted. So we're at, uh, the ladies parents, which is Cape Cod, baby. You can't get more rural. The, the woods are in the back yard. It's one of those things. Love that. They are out there, Jerry. You see the stars. You hear the, the birds, the chirping and the, the, the crickets, like we act. So I got the kid upside. We got the cousins. They're all friends. They're all playing their older, whatever, uh, soccer ball, baseball, everything. So we go to the beach. Kids getting a little, uh, a little funky on the beach. He's a little walkie. And we're like, uh, maybe it's too much sun. He is pretty young. Maybe drink some water. Huh. He's just not digging the beach. He's a little cranky. All right. I help you find. He'll be fine. Well, maybe he's hungry. Maybe he's tired. You know, you do all that shit. Sure. Then we get him home. He's playing with the kids and we give him some, maybe let's give a little snack, give him some peanut butter crackers. Sure. He's woven down the crackers and the, the sister, the wife sister goes, I gotta say, I don't want to scare anybody, but he's wheezing a lot. A lot of wheezing, a lot of like, and you're like, well, he's running around. He's out of breath. And then the wife goes, I didn't give him peanut butter. And she's like, well, I think he was wheezing kind of earlier. And now it's just getting worse. And we're like, huh. So then we play with him a little more. And he has like a attack. Oh, no. And it's so fucking scary. His heads, his face is red. And I'm like, he's eating too. So I'm like digging shit out of his mouth. Maybe he's choking. Do I give him him? I'm like, do I give him a CPR or whatever? And the wife goes or the sister goes, I think he's got some breathing stuff going on. You should take him to urgent care. And you're like, oh, once someone introduces that, you're like, oh, is this serious? What's going on here? You just freak out. By the way, I might go to the emergency room over. Urgent care. Well, slow down, Fettie. We're going to get there. So once somebody says you should take a kid to an urgent care, you're like, well, we kind of have to now. Or are we bad parents? And we're like, he's fine. Shut up. Because then you don't want the kid to get hurt. And then be like, I tried to tell him, well, it's a weird line because you don't want to be the panic pack. Yes. Yes. But you also don't want to be the guy in the front page of the time magazine going, yeah, guys kid chokes and dies. He doesn't do anything. Very kisses. So I go, all right, fuck it. It's right down the street, whatever. But then I'm like, yes, July 3rd. So it's going to be nuts in there. And the sister goes, tell him he's wheezing. You got a wheezing toddler. They'll let you write it. They put toddlers in the front of the line. That's very nice. Well, you got to because kids are more apt to die. Yeesh. Old people. Uh-huh. But nobody cares about that. They had a life. Exactly. Get the kid his chance. So we hop in the car. Kids a little. We hop in the car. We throw them an urgent care to let us write in. It's crickets in there. It's bone dry. There's no one in there. So we're like, oh, great. So the kid gets in. I'm wheeling him around in the wheelchair just to like play with him while they sign all the papers. There's a wheelchair. I found a random wheelchair. I'm just pushing around. He's loving it. So we get him in there. And he's just kind of like, what are we doing here? I'm playing. Why are we here? You know, he's kind of confused. The doctor comes in. And he's like, I think he's fine. I think you guys overreacted. This is crazy. And the wife goes, well, I gave him a peanut butter sandwich. And he was seemed to be a and he goes, peanut butter. This kid needs a steroid shot. And I'm like, I don't know. I've given peanut butter all the time. He goes, you said peanut butter. And then you brought him in. You said he was wheezing. I got to give him a shot. Well, then you have a story before that he wheezed with peanut butter before until you gave him more. Yeah. Yeah. So I've been flooding with peanut butter peanut peanut butter for a year. Right. And he's fine. One time he was wheezing, but it might have been a coincidence. Yeah, I think so. So the kids eating a jar of peanut butter over time. So I go, I don't think his peanut butter goes, look, you brought in a wheezing kid. You say peanut butter. I think it's the right thing to do. And I was like, okay. So he just hits the kid with a steroid shot. And the kids like, blah, whatever. I just picture his traps get here. Yeah. Right. He's picking up the gurney. Dick's tiny. He has rage. So the kick is a steroid shot. And he's immediately like, it's like a cartoon. He's just just straight up. And he's like, whoa, he's running around the hospital. He's got so much energy. And I go, I don't think he needed that. The kids climbing the walls. He's picking up equipment, you know, bench pressing the nurse. And then he finally is like kind of jittery. And you know, May is holding him. And the doctor goes, I think he's fine. And we go, really? Okay. Something feels off. He still feels off. And he goes, you know, now that you look at, he's kind of grunting, which is one of these weird things with doctors. You're like, should you just know what it is? Right. Like, why are we doing all these things where I tell you he's wheezing? And he's like, he looks fine. Steroid shot. And he goes, I know. He's just a good boy. And he goes, he's kind of grunting. He's sitting holding, holding the wife going, oh my god, he pretends for a moment. I don't like a male pediatrician. I want a lady. Preferably a hot one with some cleavage. But we had a nursing lady in there. She was pretty all right. All right. But this guy, I like an old guy. I don't like a man near my child. I hear you. Give me a lady. I hear you. Well, he was old. I'm okay with always. I'm not threatened. And I feel like he's been around. I know, but this old pedophiles. That's a good point. Plenty of them. No, no, no. No, this guy's young pets. Peter. Sure. Peter is not a pedophile. Salicus. All right. Um, he's got three kids, by the way. So, uh, so he goes, yeah, this is a tough one. Let me give him some oxygen. So they get him oxygen. The kids doing the, which is a horrible sight. See that thing? And he hates it. He hates it on his face. So I start doing it to show him it's okay, but he still doesn't like it. And eventually he goes, I would take him to the hospital. And I go, what the fuck is this guy? What are we doing here? I should revoke this guy's license. I know. And he goes, well, look, I just don't want to be responsible if there was something wrong with this kid that you, you didn't do any that you showed up with me. I told you to go home, but he's a doctor. That's what I'm saying. So I was like, what's going on here? And I remember I looked at the nurse and I was like, and she goes, oh, what do you never want? This guy's a bag of fucking feet. Urgent care is out. I'm never going to urge and care again unless I got like a warrant on my ass. No, yeah. Urgent care is more for that, by the way. I know. It's not for a baby that can't breathe. Yes. Yes. Urgent care. Yeah. It's like a freckle. Like a very kiss on your head. Yes. That wasn't there the day before. Right. Right. Jesus, very in Joseph. So I go, what the hell? And he goes, you know, you should do get the kid in ambulance. Then they'll take him right in. And I was like, I heard wheezing. And he's like, that's only for Urgent care. So I was like, okay, well, ambulance also is going to be like 40,000 bucks. That's what the wife said. She goes, well, ambulance is at least a gray, a cool grand. Then he goes, well, you want to get right in, don't you? And I was like, well, how are we going to get an ambulance? And he goes, there's one here. It was like the cycle episode. Like, we did an ambulance. So that was one down the hall. Oh my god. So then he goes, let me get the guys. They get there here. They're hanging out. So I go, okay, fucking, you know, money's no option. It's the baby. We want to do right by the baby. So these guys come in with the gurney. And they go, well, two skates. All five. I've got a sunburn. I got a Hawaiian shirt on. I'm holding the baby. I'm crying. I'm freaking out. And they're like, oh, fatty. What's taking you guys going to fart on me? Yeah, comedy. Whoa. It's a bunch of young dudes with moustaches. Oh boy. So they go, oh, is this fan? Is this the boy? They don't let the boy. They know the wife. They know everything. And you're kind of like trying to be like, yeah, all right. But I'm also worried and we're taking an ambulance with my son. It's a lot going on here. Sure. So we put the kid on the gurney with the wife. So the wife's on the gurney holding the kid. They wheel her ass out. They throw him an ambulance, which is quite a sight. And I get her mom's car to follow them. I've been drinking. And they're like, like we're on the highway together and they're like Hong Kong to drive it next to me. The whole thing's bananas and they got the rollers going. So I'm driving next to these guys who are like, he has all pipe eyes, comedy fans on the highway with the baby and I'm an Hawaiian shirt and a straw hat and flip flops. Finally we get to the hospital. It's Cape Cod. They grew up there. So they know everybody. They go ask for a doctor Malone or ask for doctor, whatever I know everybody. The mom worked there, the sister had a minute there. We show up. They wheel us right in. I get in. I'm the dad. I'm the dad and the Hawaiian shirt with a high noon going, my son's in here and they go, what's his name? Uh, Norman. Okay. Go to room 49. I go to room 49. He's still hopped up on steroids. So I walk in. He's got 18 plugs coming out of him. He's all jacked up. He's running around with equipment. He's holding like a COVID mask and a syringe and all this shit and he's running up and down to the aisles of the hall of the hospital. He's like going, they keep you like, sir, you got to keep this kid on a leash. This is crazy. We're a hospital here. Meanwhile, you get to the hospital. It's 4th of July weekend. Everybody's missing a hand, you know, it's a, it's a fireworks wound. Right. This guy's bleeding from the head from a fist fight. This guy had got a drunk driving. This guy got bitten by a shark. This kid drowned. They're going to mouth about. It's a scene. And your kids just kind of a silly goose. My kids are silly goose. So they come in and they're like, we're not going to lie to you. We're short staff. We're slam. 4th of July weekend. Everybody's in trouble. Everybody's hurt. So we're going to try to do our best here. So the lady comes in. She's like, what's wrong? We tell him he's wheezy. Whatever. She's like, he looks fine to me. He's like hanging upside down from like a lamp, you know? And she's like, he looks fine. I'm like, check his breathing. Done it. It's always weird when you got to tell him what to do. Right. So then she goes, huh, he sounds okay, but something does seem weird. Let's give him a chest. X ray. She's like, Jesus Christ. Okay. Kid of chest. X ray. I know. I had to sit him on the thing. I'm wearing a leather or a metal vest. She's like, I hold his legs and he's got this big thing looking down on him and it makes a cross with a light. Right. And she's like, turn him. And he's like, he's on steroids. So he's all jacked up. And I can't sit him down. She's like, your hands in the way. Move your face. And I'm like, I'm trying to hold the kid down. He wanted to just shoot and fucking radiation. I know. He's just all in this baby. Hidden him in my head. I got a whole wallop of it. So finally I bring him back. He's climbing me. It's all over the place. I saw, I see one guy shirtless and he's like, he hit me once that I knocked him out. You should have seen the other guy. He's covered in blood. It was a scene. So we get him back in the room. We wait in the hospital for four hours. Oh. Four hours. I didn't entertain this kid for four hours while he's on gamma rays or whatever. And finally they come in. They're like, he think he's got a little pneumonia, which I didn't know he got a little pneumonia. A smidge of pneumonia. I thought it was pneumonia or no pneumonia. I thought so too. What's that P doing in there? Yeah. Get out of here. Pity. Get out of there and get in my ass. Yeah. It's like, there's another word pneumatic. That's got a P. I believe it as a P. I had no idea. Teradactyl. Teradactyl as a P. Big P. You kidding? Is it star with a P? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Teradactyl starts with a P. You better believe it. Some stupid people say peradactyl because of that. Should it be pateradactyl? That's true. Yeah, it's true. uh, be nomadic. Yeah, Anderson starts with a pee. How about that? I had no idea about these peas. Mind your peas. Mind your peas. Accuses. That shit. All right. rights and courts. So finally, they come in, they go. We're gonna give you some a mox and a dull or whatever, which is like a mox oscillate. Thank you. Yeah. It's a, it's a antibiotic. Right. Don't get me started on antibiotics versus biotics. They're both good. If one is Annie, wouldn't it be bad? Yeah, but I think you get some bad biotics. You got to get the anti-biotics. Probiotics. And then you need a probiotics. Probiotics. Probiotics. But they're both good. Well, by, yeah, I think you have biotics, right? And then your biotics get funky. So you got to get anti-biotics. But then you got to get your biotics back to snuff. So they take probiotics. But should they be amateur biotics? Oh, yeah. How do you get pro? When they give you antibiotics, you also need to have probiotics. Like you'll buy like yogurt with probiotics to fix the, to balance it out. So you got to be in the middle. Yeah. So you need pro and anti, depending on where you're at biotically. Yeah. Then there's microbiome. That's like a different thing. But that's all in the same area. Oh, there's micro penis. Sure. What about disgruntled? Gruntled. I bet, I bet Gruntled is a word if you can be a disgruntled. Yeah. I guess so. I'm a little gruntly. But if disgruntled means angry, I think gruntles between the balls and the asshole. Oh, yeah. Gruntled means pleased or satisfied. Wow. It sounds like a negative gruntled like grumpy. My wife ate me out last night. I was so gruntled. Yeah. Yes. My wife out. She was disgruntled. There you go. Okay. So finally, they give him an inhaler, which he hates. You know, you got this thing on. And he's like, is that a shit on his face? I know exactly, but I did want to show him it's okay, but it doesn't, doesn't phase him. And then he's got the manoxa, manoxa. So he's good now, but so what was it like a little cold, a little bug? I think it was a combination of he's, he's on all day. Right. And he's missing his nap because he wants to play in all this. So I think it just caught up to him. And she has asthma. So it's in the family. So that was the whole thing. So he's fine now, but it I worry it's going to. So he's a little, he was a little sick. And they say when you're sick, it'll trigger the breathing. Yeah. So now he's not sick. So the breathing's good. But I just hope this isn't an ongoing, you know, I want to be able to run around and play sports and do whatever without having a I think it'll be okay. Okay. He's outside now in the forest fire. I think it'll be fine. Yeah. He's breathing in that good stuff. I think that I think that helps. All right. It's kind of like your theory about holding in a piss. You put him outside, you know, but you're holding in a piss theory. Oh, it builds the bladder. Yeah. Yes. Wrong. But it's something. You know, I think this up there. Yeah, maybe. All right. Okay. So yeah, I'm glad he's okay. I mean, I was worried this was going to end badly. No, no, that was that first doctor should get it. He should have to eat his own ass on Christmas. That was bad news. He was a quack. He had the glasses up here. He was old as shit. He was fat. He sucks. But thank God for these nurses who are of service. Yeah. And so no, no peanut allergy. It sounds like no peanuts are fine. But I shouldn't have said that. But you just want to go, Hey, you know, peanut butter and this. I just want to give him the whole lay of the land. And then he was like, Oh, steroid shot. And that's who he was like the Hulk. Certain things you throw out there. They have to respond. I know. It's like chest pains. If you go, Hey, I got chest pains, it probably like, it's probably anxiety, but they're going to give you an EKG and the other thing. And then because of legal bullshit, I can't answer questions. So I'm like, what do you think it is? So like, I don't want to say anything. And I'm like, but what do you think? And they're like, well, I can't say that because then you can sue me. And I'm like, just give me some, we don't, it's all vain. We don't know where we're at. Like they walk in and they go. They do a lot of hmm. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's interesting. And I'm like, what's interesting? They're like, no, nothing, nothing. And you're like, hmm. Weird. What's weird? Talk to me. He's a baby. Some of this should be talked about. I had this when Sarah was pregnant. We went to one of the nurses was like some kind of Eastern European, whatever. Oh boy. And she was, you know, you're getting, she's six months pregnant with them. And they're doing like the same exact thing. Like, uh-oh. Uh-oh. And I was like, whoa, what the fuck? And she's like, no, no, I just can't find the image here. And I said to her, I mean, I'm trying to talk about this in the podcast. I was like, you can't do that. Don't do. Uh-oh. You can't do a fucking cat scan popping scan. Whatever the fucking is. Dog scan and be like, oh boy. No. Yeah, especially with my wife is 75 years old. Yeah. She's going to be a little tard burger. So you can't just be like, yikes. How about this one? Never seen that before. Like, wait, you never seen my dick, but they're like, no, no, I've never seen a dick like that. You're like, don't tell me you've never seen that before. That's insanity. It's probably what my thumbprint. I don't think there's a lot of dicks with thumbprints on it. That's true. And I got your dick could get you through a doorway. The, uh, the thumbprint scan sensor. Coutusion from masturbation. Hmm. That's the lady said at the STD clinic. Wow. What does this? I was like, yes, it is. How hard you press it? Well, back in the day, I jerked off like this when I was a boy. I had four fingers and even an adult. And I had the thought you got a really press in there. So it's, it's got like a half pipe in there. It dips. Oh, gee, Tony cock. That's not bad. All right. Boneycock. Boneycock. Boneycock. Boneycock. All right. So yeah, crazy weekend. And then everything was fine. But boy, when that, when then you're in a hospital with your kid, it is a roller coaster of hell. Well, you're just scared. You don't want to be that guy who's like, yeah, the kids dead. You're like, oh, Jesus, you know, that is true. But yeah, drive it home. You're also kind of like five hours for that. Right. Just just walk in. Go, he's weezing. Here's an inhaler. We'll see in hell. Yeah. But we're going to see what that bill is. We haven't gotten the bill yet. It's going to be ugly. I think ambulance is like, but maybe the boys will hook you up a little bit. But I don't think they're it's not up to them. It's not up to them. That's the problem with this system. Yes. Yes. And you know, the whole time we're like, we got to change health care. This is crazy. You know, that talk happened 13 times an ambulance should just be gas money. Yeah. We went 14 miles. Yo was six bucks. Yeah. And we had a good time in there too. We were hooting an hauler. Right. So I think, well, we'll make some changes. I got I got a good feeling but I think we're heading the right direction, but here's a cute this town is so the next day We go to the big kick-card for the July parade, you know, it's it's four cars and then three Cubs got throwing candy at you Did they have the little guy in the tiny car? They got it around they got the one they call it a shaver. No They went to silly hats shaker Yeah, yeah, so they were cute. We take the boy he doesn't care but walk and buy it by his waving ambulance guys They're in the parade Oh, there's the boy The parade is so small and ricketing they have time to be like how's he doing? Is he good? I'm like, hey, you're trucks leaving Yeah, yeah catch up and mustard, but yeah, so cute weekend great time Cape Cod is a really special place, you know, they got beaches galore, hiatus is fun And the boy didn't want to leave. I mean he was having so much fun with the cousins Well, that's the thing and this is why I want to fucking leave this hellhole shit city You go and I remember my cannon said this after COVID. He's like It went moved up to the wherever the fuck the Hudson Valley whatever and he's like I can't bring my kid back to Brooklyn Exactly we were just in Maine for a week and a half we were in Cleveland for a week before that then we were in my parents house We're back home. It's awful. I know it's a horrible place to be Bringing them back to jail. They're like what we got to be indoors as homeless. It stinks. It's subway. It's hell He's like agents rats. I want my congegal visits back. It's all construction and shit this button is in my ass Yeah, but I will say that uh world cup saves the it saves family hang Oh, yeah, I say it all the time. We need sports. We have no sports. We're fucked dude I mean, it was like, you know, you're all wake up nine o'clock nine thirty you run out of things to talk about and you're like Oh, what time say the Argentina game on oh, it's actually on it for and you're like damn We got to kill five hours before that fucking game then when you put that game on everybody's like Yeah, something to watch. I'm gonna talk about. It's all you have and yeah, we just got back from Maine We're up there for felt like forever or a full week and then we stayed in Massachusetts for three days for Tom Dustin's batch of the party Which was awesome? Shout out big else setting up a great fucking party great hang, but uh, yeah, how was that? It was fun. It was very hot. It was in an axe throwing place. Which I didn't know this. I mean, I don't mean this Braggadociously. Have you been axe throwing? I don't care for it. It's not my cup. Well, we went axe throwing. I'd never been axe throwing And is he into that? Is that a thing? No, well, it was a hookup, but we also had more stuff There was jenga and pizzas and beer and hanging out and we got kind of hooked up It was in the north end. It was a surprise. It was fun. Oh fun. So I didn't know I thought axe throwing would be fun. I thought you'd be competing like. Oh, that was a bullseye. That was five point. That was four points I had no idea and for whatever reason and again, this is not some kind of humble brag I used to throw it straight into the thing and it goes thunk. Yeah Nobody else could get it to stick. It's very hard to get it to stay and everyone was like, what are you doing? How are you doing this? And I'm like I'm just whipping it at the thing But people it was bouncing off. It was hitting the ground. Clean, clung, clean, clung. Oh, the days you guys were there. So nobody, no chance in hell. This is top's party. No, there was no like, oh, who's winning? Just nobody was getting it. I'm talking men Burley men every once in a while it would stick But the live people were throwing it over there over here. Now, I don't know if I'm just, you know Scottish roots coming out. I don't know what the hell, but I would just every time I threw go thunk. I mean a couple times like maybe 12 out of 15 were just junk in there. Wow, but everyone else was hitting the flow. It would just hit the back of the axe I don't know and I couldn't help anybody. I'm like I don't know what I'm doing. It doesn't say when you find your your Savante one thing, but it's the most useless thing Right, but I'm just throwing it. I'm like, I don't know. I have no where do you hold practice? I held it just like everyone else, but I did it like a dart like I saw I was like facing this way one It looks pretty good. That's good form. Well, you know, I'm an athlete of course, but I just I mean These were men with jobs Jerry Wow, that's funny spray. So anyways, that was fun, but It was there was no air conditioning. So it was very warm and then I hit my mother there. She was melting my mother's a sweater She's like a heat pump. Yeah, yeah, you look over. She looked like the scene in the airplane It was like someone was just dumping buckets of water Which was nice because I was like usually have the baby. Hey, I got to get home the baby My mother's about to die. She's just like red Oh, yeah, yeah, meanwhile the wedding's in Key West in August. So Mike. She's gonna be You know, she's gonna puddle This could be the end of it. Well the text throwing isn't it strange to have beer in an axe Is that a little weird dude? It's like having a gun range vodka party. It's crazy and it's all just What's that sister honor sister whatever like yeah, and there's two things in one Kennel or whatever so if I throw and go to get it I don't I got to make sure this guy's not throwing this is a lawsuit nightmare all day long Well, you got to sign a waiver right away. Okay. It's like a wealthy-looking white guy in your garden here. Oh no Yeah, I turned around with it. All right, you got to it's anyway. So yeah, you have to scan a thing But you just go boop scan. Okay, you're in and axes galore everywhere But uh, I'm sure someone's made that observation before I'm just saying it just it's kooky to have alcohol and weapons Yeah, but it was fun Hi folks, everything should feel easy in the summertime That's what I always say summertime in the livenzyzy baby bring that ease and comfort to your wardrobe with Quince I love quince. I really do Sarah just got a new hot bathing suit off. It was like hanging on the right. 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It is awesome I really use this product Makes your summer wardrobe easier go to quince.com/tuesdays for free shipping and 365 day returns now available in Canada to go to q-u-i-n-c-e.com/tuesdays for free shipping and 365 day returns that is quince.com/tuesdays Now how about this we're up in booth bay harbor we go there every year if you choose gays I think I think more two's gays are coming because they hear about ah you spread the word Try but anyways Everyday this is just a fun thing. We go to this place called dutton's doghouse. Ooh ddh And it's been there forever. It's just a little like food hut It's a little hot dog stand and they make burger they whip up burgers hot dogs french fries You get a fish hat exam which they give me a chicken farm over there which I've never had I get a chicken farm at dutton's doghouse. Now what's the dog mean like hot dog at small Yeah, I think it's a dutton's dogs and that looks like a doghouse. Yeah, so it's a fun clever name. It's been there forever. It's a staple And they have the best Hot dog best bun. You got a grilled cheese the perfect golden yellow And I found the trick and maybe you know this you're from a cooking society It's like a butter wheel a wheel It's like a it looks like the wheel of when you have like a raffle and it's all the Yeah, it's like a little it's a little barrely thing and they put the butter they put butter in there Melted so it's wet, melty butter and then they spin it across the wheel They grill it to perfect that the grill the the hot dog bun Is like the softest but toast-y-s perfect gold grilled cheese like you've never seen hot dog It's perfection. Yes. So I went there every day. I'm like the Cal Ripkin of hot dogs over there. That's lunch So we go there and then it came into a chestnut. What's that now? You're Joey Chestnut Have you seen this thing about Joey Chestnut versus Hussein Bolt? I know I've seen him beat up the PETA guy Who's the PETA guy a PETA guy came on. He's like this is you should go vegan This is crazy and he just snaps and beats the shit out of the dude. Oh wow. It's a great video PETA pumpkin eater is the hot dog guy. Oh, that's a stretch. Okay. Well, so anyways my nephew I'll come back to Dutton's doghouse my nephew who's you know 18 he's he's all tick-tock all the time So he comes into the room. We're all hanging out and he goes who would win in a race Joey Chestnut. This is a fun one. You're gonna like this Joey Chestnut or Hussein Bolt. You know that guy fastest guy in the world. But wait wait race eating versus running 100 meter dash, but they each have to eat an entire hot dog before they can go Oh Chestnut's got it I kind of was leaning towards that everyone in the family was yelling that we're a bunch of homos Because Chestnut can eat it and under a second. Yeah, but it's gonna take him 30 seconds to run a hundred yards Who say Hulk and run it in eight seconds? Right, but I think it's gonna take 30 seconds to get a hot dog down Easy easy, but then they're like he'll catch him so this isn't first of all my nephew said this to me And I was like I'm gonna post this online is gonna be huge algorithm And he's like no, no, I got this from tiktok. I thought we had some crazy thing I thought you made it up. No, I thought he did too. I thought my nephew was like a genius But he's like no, no, this is like a huge tiktok phenomena. Oh, wow, so it never happened obviously No, no, we would have an answer True, but so the question is who's saying so much faster than Joey Chestnut who I assume is a fat beast of shit No, no, no, that's the crazy thing. He's thin But he's not nearly as fast as we say of course just be too that fat But I just I think it would take me a full minute to eat a hot dog as fast as I could. Yeah Well, he dunks it and just inhales it right. It's unbelievable So I got to go with chestnut, but where in the minority I think whoa I don't know chestnut too because also you got to slow down you got to eat it and then speed back up Yeah, I just think chestnut. He could not even stop. He could just grab it and eat and run. No, you have to fit That's the stipulation got it. You got a you got to finish the hot dog and then you bolt got it you say Anyways, Dutton's dogs is under new ownership so over the last couple years And it's all women there now and I was chatting them up and there's like big big mussely New England He's got, you know, the shirt that's like got the torn flag. Oh, yeah, he's got a knife over here He's 280 pounds big truck. He's behind us. I just kind of see him. You don't think anything of it And I'm talking to the ladies behind the thing. I go Dutton's dog house. I've been coming here since I was six By the way, you guys are doing a bang up job way better than the old owners And there they go. Oh, thank you so much I'm like yeah nice to see some women used to be a bunch of just a fat sweaty guys I loved it then, but we used to joke in my family that the sweat is what made it great But obviously it wasn't the sweat. It's the butter wheel Yes, yes finish ordering. Thanks for coming. I turned around the big guy goes This is my uncle's place Uncle is the old owner and I go oh, yeah, well. Oh, I love I used to come as a boy And he's like you didn't like it as much then and I was like I go no, I'm just saying this You know when you have that like a lie going to two people. I'm like I'm just saying it cuz they're poor these slut women You know and then they're like what'd you say about us? And I'm like oh my god Now you do it up. I am the baseball thing where you're between both bases. So yeah pickle So which comes with the hotdog so he was very he was very nice though And he goes yeah, I used to work in here. We all did our time in the dog house Which is a fun thing fun. I like it. I'd love to have a family business where everyone works though That'd be my nightmare So I go yeah anyways great that my dad chimes it Never chimes. Where is the first time he's chimes well, he'll chime with strangers. Ah, that's a little off putting so he goes It's a great start a job. This is a great first job. This girl looks like she's 11 which he did and the guy goes I work there as my adult. Oh my adult job. So we're just faux pang all over the hot dog man the whole family's pie Yeah, you got a phone papa. Well, you just assume you talked to a grizzled man You're like oh, you must have worked here when you attend. He's like I was your last year. Oh boy This is I've done this so many times I relate so it was faux pas central and I go okay. Well, you're doing great. I love it Fuck you and I got my hot dogs and got the hell out of there But we went every day it was awesome. It was just embarrassing to be like you just never think Hey you guys away better than those old that you don't think the old owner's son is gonna be standing behind you with a knife The odds of that exactly and they brought it up. Yeah, yeah, I couldn't let it go and be like I fuck that guy But he's like I got to let him know that I know but he said he was like, you know uncle Teddy or whatever is very proud of what they've done They've added the menu. They extended it but kept the integrity whatever. Yeah, so it was one of those things in your hearts racing But he seemed he seemed cool and I think he knew I was being folksy. Yes, yes, but that's tough when you you have to Lie again. Yeah, yeah with them right there Yeah, everyone's in the near shot of my life. Oh my god. Let's prop you to doghouse. They can all hear me think it's small And you know you try to keep one foot in the hey, I'm woken cool. Look at all these women. Good to see Yeah, I'm talking to the army guy and I'm like I hate women They shouldn't vote. I don't know who I am. I got one of my feet are over here. Yeah, I'm not talking my ass. Yes You're spread eagle, but anyway, it's Dutton's doghouse hell of a time that I bought a sticker I'm gonna put it in the car and then you drive home and you're like, I can't have a Dutton's dog house stick around my car My asshole. That's cool. You know inside you you're in the in the know you have to resell at some point. That's true What are you gonna do to start a car? Let me tell you this so I had one of those faux pas years ago, and I never forgot it. I was at a house party and It was remember you were in high school everybody was tough as shit, and you were always scared of getting punched in the face Yeah, that was my whole childhood Everybody was cool and tough and manly, and I was just a goofy dumb guy Well, I always say this went and Boston at least maybe everywhere when you're young the only things that are valued are being tough or funny Yes, you had that either you could that guy can beat the shit or that guy's fucking hilarious I was neither so I bet this party and I'm kind of fucking around holding court and I go Oh finally a beer This guy he sucks. He's a he's a pot head and this big guy from 10 feet away goes I'm a pot head What about it and I was like what an acid? Well, I was like wow I'm just saying this guy smokes weed all day. He can't even think anymore and the guy goes What's wrong with smoking weed all day? I had a pony. Yeah, so I'm like and you know It's one of those things where you stand up or the guy stands up and he's eight feet taller than you. Yeah, I'm like if well I'm just saying uh He smokes a ton. He can't even He can't even read anymore and he's like I can't read and you're like oh my god What are we doing and all his friends are going dude. He's cool. He's cool. He goes. I don't think he's cool I think this guy was looking for a fight and I was the loud mouse that he was gonna beat up But all the other guys I was just prepared like okay. I'm getting my ass kicked I just gotta let's just get this over with but the guy kept going and I had to eventually be like all right I'm sorry is that what you want to hear? And he was like I want to punch you in the face and all the friends I'd be like dude don't it's not worth it. It's not worth that I know him He's a nice guy whatever and it finally dissipated, but that was a scary moment. I hate those moments and yeah Well, that's the thing. I'm like am I gonna get stabbed over a hot dog? I know exactly So I love pot heads. They're great. Keep smoking. I hate pot heads. Welcome. He got him. Well, I only hate it But it's I hate the guys with the leaf on the hot personality. So gay that's got over I think I hope so I mean our age bracket, but they used to be those guys. I just had a pot leaf shirts and a pot leaf hat. Yes, and you're like big deal Who cares? Well, one thing about pot is it got it got more personal like I used to go to your friend's house and the whole coffee table Was full of weed and rolling papers that was weed everywhere when I grew up that was weed everywhere because weed was weaker So they're always smoking weed. You're always packing a bowl packing a bong packing an apple rolling a joint Now it's like a cartridge. See you see weed anymore. See weed Yeah Yeah, could be something could be something. I try to ask cloth. What do they call it? Yeah, I don't know there was a lot less a lot less weed around now. There's a lot less weed everywhere Never weed made pass a joint. It was communal. Yeah, yeah, now is personal. It's like individual now You can eat a sandwich with weed in it which seems fun. I know you got a grilled cheese with weed, but the butter wheel Oh, yeah, well the women do it now. She's a butter wheel What else happened out there? Oh, this is just the thought I had that might be gay could be a big a thought Maybe it's funny I was listening to this podcast that we're talking about the future with AI and everything and now how they feel like If you die for your children, they can like kind of create you because you've just been recorded for hours All it is your voice and your thoughts whatever. I think there's a movie about this So we've had we have like the most hours of recorded us talking. Oh, this is a thought So if I die they could recreate me for my son But all I'm talking about there's no advice. There's no me talking being like you got to stick together and Grow up tall. It would just be my son being like That's just face come on my back and set my ass. Yeah, this kid's in for a rude awakening So if I die when he's 10 they're just gonna hear me be like oh Right, right. He's gonna be like what do I do? It's gonna be like no dad. I got bullied and it'll just be like Suck my dick come in my fire. Yeah. Yeah. This is all uh any Van Halen lyrics up here. All right. What is it? Oh, uh bon Jovi bon Jovi lyrics. Yeah, so anyways, that was that could be a bit Thought maybe a bit. I think it's definitely a bit, but I don't know if you can do the haul on cha ha on stage Yeah, probably not they do that with like ALS patients. They build like you know the Stephen Hawking computer Yeah, they build it with their actual voices They'll record it before ALS gets that back. Oh, that makes sense. Oh fun. I hope they edit it. Do they do some scrubbing? What you put in your own words. Oh Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's like hey, I went to the store. Fuck my dad in the ass. Well, I got to run this by it and it might be a little faux pas to say this, but fuck it. We need god to so You know, I live in Brooklyn. I got to go into town to do sets. Do I go into the city? You know what the kids are calling Manhattan now? No Work Island That's the new thing is Gen Z all lives out in Brooklyn and they go to work in Manhattan Where they're all broke and they go back to Brooklyn to be what's the content? They say it like all right. I'm heading off to work. I yeah I know that's depressing man hat was like the place to be now it's a work island like it's a fucking slave factory. It should be fun island too this gay bars and Epstein's island something we can do better than work island but that's what the kids are calling it so just a fun fact. So the wife was at a town for a weekend which is very thrilling because you just you forget what it's like to just you're like risky business I'm sliding in on my socks you got music playing I'm eating fluffer nutters for breakfast it's great I haven't been by myself and a lot to well with the kid it's one great thing about having a child is when you're away you're like oh my god I had so much free time I'd water the plants I'm listening to music I'm plan what I watched four documentaries I watched Paris Texas for the hell of it right I'm writing jokes in my underwear which is great and the wife will you throw me this towel she likes nice things that's a towel so she bought these sexy kind of quilty yeah feels like a quilt yeah like these are like high-end decorative towels okay I hate these towels yeah this doesn't look like a towel it's like itchy yeah it doesn't absorb water like you you wash your hair you dry it off and it's still wet it looks like a blanket more than a towel yeah but I would think this is a blanket they look good on the rod they're very nice he's very expensive I'll put it on my rod so we bought a bunch of these towels and I like an old I like a towel from Target like a fluffy brown towel yes brown towels give me a brownie Terracotta yes Terracotta so where's that be so I'm like oh these towels but then they look good they they look good on the rod whatever and it's rubs in I'm freaking props in well chuck give me that hot dog I got that butter wheel so so she I had these old towels and I love but she's like these are ugly they're gross so she threw out the towels oh boy so I secretly hit the towel months ago I love it because I love this towel she doesn't like the towel I love this towel I think at some point she found the towel crumpled up hidden in a corner and she threw it away in a garbage bag it's like the old baby t-shirt yes I didn't jizz in the towel though so she's out of town and I go you know what I got the place to myself I'm a man master my domain king of the castle I'm using my old towel okay I pull this towel out of the garbage I give it a whiff oh this towel smells weird it's been rotting in this garbage bag for seven months that makes sense yeah so I think it's kind of mildewy and weird bacteria has been growing parasites whatever Paris Texas but I go fuck it I'm using this towel so I get out of the shower I'm feeling good I got the place to myself I dry down slide in put on some panties go to work whatever and the whole day I'm going boy I smell weird hey now that was it 10 a.m. by 11 o'clock that's what I'd like to tell by 11 a.m. or five o'clock I'm itching oh no I am itching and scratching did you have peanut butter like you wouldn't believe I did a steroid shot my whole body is itching I got I got bugs on my skin freaking out so I'm like god damn what is that this is weird my taint is like burning with birdie with itching this gruntle I'm grunt I'm doing this all day I'm this guy my assholes bitchy my balls are itchy my legs are itchy and I'm like god damn I think it was the towel so I think so I guess so but I was like right I was so gung ho that I was like fuck this I'm living with it so did just went away no I had it for three days I probably took another shower and I had to use the old towel but she got me the story has no ending but I still feel it a little bit but now I don't know if I'm in my head you get rid of the towel I got to the towel out oh okay that towel's got to go that thing is spreading aids it's a covered in parasites and ticks and all this shit my god you shouldn't go out just to fucking keep conductors see what he had to say oh god he would have sent me to rikers or something so yes that don't use an old towel well I'm a guy that I use the same towel over and over again I mean that's different I'll wash it and you know once I'm the same way once a week or whatever and people will be like that's disgusting that's crazy and I'm like but I'm washing it when I'm clean yeah clean so it's only a clean body I'm rubbing it on but I don't put it in a bag for a month a bag got me but so I threw the towel in the wash and then I dried it and it still smells oh that's bad that's how you know this thing is radio act yeah it's got it's tainted it's going to add to that or say I can't remember what it was towel throw in the towel yeah towel head I lost it exactly towel head shouldn't be all that offensive yeah it's not that different yeah towel on you yeah I don't know tell it's I mean it's not a towel but it's like yeah my wife doesn't tell it every night yeah my two yeah yeah it's adorable I like to try to fuck her with the towel head on sure it's like I always tell me anything different you're like you got a towel in your head I'm like let's fuck with that oh yeah you got a dick let's do it the other day she had a bandana oh and I was like oh that's fuck it's like Dion Sanders you know what's your grip or blood I don't know my wife does the band I think that's in yeah I think they all have you know it's in now that I'm bummed out about it's the long gene shorts it's like big J yeah yo essay put on some real pants no she's like this is in I'm seeing it but I'm like in does it necessarily mean it's good agree why does it be so powerful in and bad in is bad yeah a short shorts are timeless 70s 90s whatever I have noticed so this is gonna sound creepy but the younger generation is going back to hot I feel like our generation for a while is like big is beautiful let me wear the baggiest pants on the planet let me wear dress like an eight year old boy with a huge shirt big is yucky I'm sorry Rupert Chuck get out of here there's our t-shirt big is yucky big is yucky get out of here yes yes fit that's hot fit is it and it's always gonna be it I don't care what anybody says if you're fit sit on my face I'm running for office that's the shit 2032 all right we got to wrap this thing up I'm dizzy I'm itchy my father's gay get it tell I'm I got say there was funny bone coming up comedy mother ship and Austin Toronto some venue I don't know it's part of the festival sell that baby out Portland helium few others I can't remember Rochester I think that's Portland Oregon folks I'm so tired I'm in Houston Houston Tejas then I'm at Nashville Zanies that I'm in Pittsburgh at the improv then I'm at Calgary left shop we can add a show there Minneapolis at Act B Denver comedy works comedy on state in Madison but maybe shooting a movie with Sam so we'll see if that comes to fruition but these Hollywood types are real I know they don't care about your comedy gigs that's for sure now they're real tailheads over there what do you got check check check out my podcast fun bearable and if you want to get involved in a cool film project we just filmed a pilot with the crew of impractical jokers whoa yes I directed and wrote in a minute and we're still looking for some backers for some post work so hit me up at discount Chuck on Instagram or Twitter I appreciate everybody that's hitting me up appreciate Robert Patton who is good part of the whole thing we love sheath and so yeah hit me up here here here join the pastry on we got what we're gonna do bonus right now I don't always say that like it's exciting for them we're gonna do a bonus new bonus every week 30 minutes yeah it's been coming for fucking years backstage stuff live apps although they hate those but yeah we got all kinds of commercial free running around New York all kinds of green rooms you name it so get on it's the best patreon going literally like I'd say maybe four years straight every Friday way come on that's crazy that's crazy that's crazy