# 666 Ottomans Piglet

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Oh my God, we're here, we're back. I feel like I haven't seen you in 16 moons. It's been a long time. Oh yeah, I got a lot to talk about. I want to just sit and gossip with you and say the N-word, but that's not for the filming. Well, I don't know what's going on anymore. As you know, I deleted Instagram. So I had my manager text me. He's like, yeah, we're. We're talking to your mom's house, but they're under new management. What happened? And then I'm like this. I don't know. I just thought it was a legitimate text. I'm like, all right, I don't care. Yeah. And then like four hours later, he's like, that was a joke, by the way. And I was like, what's a joke? I swear to God, I was like, what is he talking about? And I just ignored it because I was like, I don't even understand what this is. Right, right. And then like literally two days later, my wife is like, oh yeah, you heard Christina P and Tom broke up. And I was like, oh! Oh, the bit. New management. I had to text him and be like, sorry, I didn't get the joke. But I don't know that it's a great joke anyways. Sure, well, you left him hanging. So anyways, I don't know what the hell's going on out there. But you did go back and go, I get it now. I did. I was like, oh, OK, I get it. Sorry, I'm out of my asshole. And then I watched some business about it. So I don't know what's going on. Well, my wife is a lady. So she gets the lady algorithm. And the Tom hate is palpable. I bet. Well, people don't like when you break up. Yeah. Whatever. This happened to Mulaney, and he's cruising. He just did Wrigley Gum. Wrigley Gum? Field. Ah. Yeah, he sold it out. What do you mean? He did Wrigley Field? He did Riggs. John Mulaney did Wrigley Field? John Mulaney's a comedian from Chicago. Sure, I know that. He's worked his way up the ranks. I opened for him at Bananas in 2008. Get the hell out of Dick Cheese. You know that story. I want to hear it again. I don't remember this at all. Well, it was 2007. I had just moved here. Wow, 07. And my manager or agent goes, hey, they want a big deal here. Big gig coming in. Yeah. They want you to feature at Bananas for this young kid, John Mulaney. I've told this story a million times. Hasbrook Heights, baby. And it was Liz Mealy hosting, me featuring, John Mulaney headlining. All the same age, by the way. We all started at the same time and the same age. I think he's a year younger than me, maybe. Liz might be a year. I think she's the same age as me. Yeah. Anyways, so he goes, yeah, but they need. They need you to drive. You got to pick up this John Mulaney fella. Oh, wow. And take him to Hasbrook Heights. Was he still drinking? No. I think he quit drinking when he was like 19 or something like that. No, I saw him banged up a few times. Well, I think the story was that he had quit drinking when he was 19, as far as I know. Cut that. I thought. We don't have to cut that. Cut this motherfucker. When I saw him, if he wasn't banged up, he was having a good time. Well, because my whole thing was like, later on, after the story, I was like, I could have been Mulaney. I could have been John Mulaney. If I had quit drinking when I was 18, I could have been this guy. I think he was like on Coke and stuff while he was at SNL. I think that's a part of it. Yeah, yeah. I think it was years later. I don't want to. No, he was in his special. Yeah, that's in his special. He did like a thing. All right. I don't want to shit on him. But I think that whole upcoming, I think he was sober, I believe. I don't know. Wow. But anyways, I was like, John Mulaney, John McGrainy, Mahooney, fuck this guy. I'm like, how am I not headlining this room? Oh, yeah. I've been around longer. I know Nick DiPaolo. I know Colin Quinn. Whoa, whoa, name dropper over here. So I opened for Dane Cook years ago in a fucking baseball stadium. Jesus, Wrigley? I go, all right, so I'll fucking, I'll open for this guy and I'll fucking eat his lunch. I'll show him the business. Eat his ass. And I was like, I'm going to bring the heat, make this guy suck his own dick. It's going to be embarrassing. By the way, John Mulaney's at Hasbrook Heights Bananas. That's how long ago this was. 07. Now he's at Wrigley Stadium. Yes. So it's Wrigley Field. It's Wrigley Field. I can just feel people. You're like, it's not stadium. So anyways. It was like a me mistake. So I go, all right, great. Here we go. We're going to go pick him up. This fucking piece of shit. This homo. He doesn't know shit about Shinola. By the way, you had a lot more of that Boston piss and vinegar back then. You had a lot more. Who's this guy? Fuck you. Get out of my way. Now you've really, you're more welcoming. Well, you know, I work some kind of program. So back then I was, I had some problems. Oh, yeah. So I scoop them up. Brooklyn. And we get to talking. He's like a hardcore, deep Dylan guy, as am I. So fun side note. I was like, oh, yeah, Dylan, Dylan. But we start talking Dylan. And like, you know, like you and I with Seinfeld. This is like the autistic Bob Dylan people. Yes, yes. So we bonk over that. How did it come up? Were you playing them on the box? It probably was on the CD player or whatever, or the cassette, whatever it was. Sure. So we start talking Dylan. And at one point I was like, you know, I have the entire, like, 1964. Press junket he did on DVD. And he was like, what? And I was like, I'll give it to you. I'll lend it to you. Whoa. Never got it back. He still got my Dylan. It's like a rare DVD, by the way. Wow. It's like full, like three hours of Dylan taking Q&A in black and white HD. I got bad news. I think he did a little Xanax and pawned that puppy. I think it's probably long gone. That's in a shop somewhere. So anyway, as I pick him up, I go, hey, this guy's all right. But I'm still going to fucking eat his lunch. All right. All right. I'm going to suck his dick on stage. Yeah, your fantasy. So Liz goes up. She's great. Hilarious. And I'm like, bring in the heat, baby. And I'm like, woo! Follow that. Hot shot. Whoa. Watch out. Pow. Pop quiz, asshole. I go, bang. I hit him with the fucking. Zing, pow, whammy. I had my old joke. You ever heard that song, I Don't Want to Work comes on, on your way to work? No. I drive right by Phy Lee. I don't want to work. I say, fuck you. But then the song ends. And you're just in the car going, hmm. Going to work. That was my bit. Oh, oh, oh, sorry. That's my big bit. I see. That was big, baby. And I had the drunk driving. You ever drive past a cop when you're drunk and he doesn't pull you over? Yes. That's a great bit. And you say, what a piece of shit cop. Yeah, I remember that one. So I had all these bits. And I'm like, this guy is going to have his hands full. I'll tell you that. So I come off stage. And I go, hey, good luck there, Johnny. Boy. Well, Rudy. You fucking piece of shit. I sit in the back. And I put my feet up. And I'm like, let's see this asshole. Four minutes in, I was like, ah, this is my favorite comedian of all time. He's very good. He had the pirate chest. They never bring a big enough chest. The depth perception. All this stuff. The Trump chunk was great. He had a whole Trump. He had a whole Trump bit about he sounds like a cartoon rich guy. Like, I have tall buildings with my name on them. And I'm going to fire people with my. Kids. Right, right. Golden hair. I remember the bit about he had the one about, oh, the movie cost $100 million. He's like, you can just show me $100 million. I'd buy a ticket for that. Great, great bit. Anyways, he murders, does way better than me. He's way better than me. And I'm like this. This is like the best comedian I've ever seen. He's very good. I was like, fuck this fucking homo. I'm going to blow him off the stage. And he was 300 times better than me. And then I got back in the car. And I was like, how about that Bob Dylan? How about that? So I thought we'd be best friends forever. But he just took my DVD. I never saw him again because he's left. I couldn't see him because of all the dust. Sure. Was it full? Were there people? Because I don't know if he was a name then. No, no. It was like pretty full. It was not so full that I couldn't sit in the back of the room. Ah, right. He was like, he was nobody. He was like, I think he had some heat. He had a little bit of industry heat. But he certainly wasn't. I mean, he was at Hasbrook Heights Bananas. Yeah, they don't even know about heat. Heat doesn't get to them. Those are just regular old blue collar queefs. Yeah. So anyways, that was the story. And that was like the last time I was ever in a car with him. We just, you know, he was in Brooklyn. I was in Queens. I was doing drugs and drinking. Two things about that. One, I feel like that's kind of over. The getting a car with this random person and figure it out for two hours. Right. You just had to make it work. It was almost like a summer camp or a preschool where you just put a kid there and you go, go play. Well, now. That's over now. One thing that's changed. It is. One of the things that is great for us and tough for the young comics is it's just now. And it's hard to remember that this wasn't always the way it is now standard that everyone just brings an opener. That's true. That did not exist always. Like I did so many gigs where I was opening for some random guy. And vice versa. When you're headlining and you just have like, oh, here's Peter from Milwaukee. Here's the local guy. Yeah. I remember calling clubs and being like, I'm going to bring my guy. They're like, you're not bringing it. We have our guy. Right. So I'd go, okay. Sorry. Because you wanted to work there. So you're like, okay, we'll use your guy. I don't have any juice. Yeah. Yeah. The juice is loose. So yeah. Back in the day, it was a lot of like, and then it was a big thing too. You had a car. It was like, Hey, you got to come pick this person up. That was the first three letters of career was car. That's what they would always say. Yeah. I never heard that. Yeah. That was back in the eighties, you know, when they had little sayings like that. Also, how many times did you go? I drove three hours with Johnny, John Fish, or I'm in the car with Moody McCarthy. Yeah. I've never met these guys. You just get in the car with them and you talk shit. You get along and you network. people. Then you drive home and you never see them again. Which is how I always feel. That's the only way to be like real friends in comedy is you've got to do a gig where you're in the car. You've got to be in a car together. I mean, that's how we got blowing each other. Exactly. A fucking five-hour car ride. Otherwise, it's just kind of like you're coming off and you're like, oh, hey, nice to see you. Maybe at the cellar a little bit because you're at the dinner table. That helps. You kind of befriend each other. But even that's not as intimate because there's six people standing around. Yes, because I think our natural inclination is get in, get out. We're introverts. We want to go home. We want to just do as little things as possible. Right. So if we have the option to not hang, we're probably going to take it. That's why you need that metal box that's going 70 miles an hour to keep you in talking. Great Don Gavin joke. He's driving and his passenger says, Gav, you're doing 90. And he goes, so are you. What's your point? I love that joke. Great bit. Great bit. Now let me tell you the flip side of the Hasbro Heights Mulaney eat his lunch. So we did Sacramento back in what was that? Eighty four. That was 2010 September. I know because I went to Peru the next week. Yes, I was hosting. You were featuring Joe DeRosa headlining. Yes. So we would drink all day at the pool, hang out and DeRosa. You're going. You're like, why is this guy headlining? I should be headlining you. She's snickering in the back the whole time. Like this fucking guy. Yeah, he's ugly. He's got a double chin. He's fat. He's gay. The shoulders, the shoulders. Don't forget the shoulders trans. And that was pre-trans that we know of. That's true. That's true. But it was a different time. I don't think that was around then. We were walking up the highway looking for a titty bar to the afternoon. Yeah, we watched Piranha 2. I think in the movie theater. That's right. 1 p.m. I think it was Piranha 3D if I'm not mistaken. I think you're right. I remember those tits really coming at me. Yeah, I was like we got to go see which is so crazy now to think about. I'm totally bottoming out and failing. And now during the day, I'm like, we got to see Piranha 3D and go to the strip club. You'd think I'd be like, let's scramble the jets. Let me try to write. No, no. We went to a gas station every day to get a case of beer. It was like 11. Hit the pool. And then we'd bring it back to the pool. And I remember going, you haven't seen this Mulaney guy? And you're like, nah, he sounds gay. And I'm like, no, no, he's good. He's good. Well, you also said a thing that changed my whole life. You were like, I noticed you'd never open a notebook ever at any point. And I was like, nah, I got it up here. Don't worry about that. I got it up here. And you said something that blew my mind on that trip. You go, well, you got to wash your feet. And I go, I don't wash my feet. And you're like, you don't wash your feet? I was like, gravity. And all the soap flows down. It's an automatic wash. And you were like, this is crazy. So you didn't open a notebook and my feet smelled like ass. Yeah, it was ugly. It was bad news. Bad news. And I was about to go to Peru to see my ex-girlfriend in two days. That's right. So I was all distracted and wacky. But I remember you murdering on stage. You would kill on stage. And then DeRosa would go up and go like, what do you guys want to talk about? What else is going on? And you were like, this fucking guy, this is a disgrace. This guy should kick out of comedy. And yeah, it was just, I feel like comedy had a lot more, it had a lot more fight in it. Yeah. Back in the day. Now everybody's got their own little corner. They're doing their Instagram, their Snapchat, their bullshit. Well, I think there's a lot less forced interaction now. I mean, that's what we're just talking about. Now you can go make blow up in your bedroom with a fucking iPhone and go skibbity boop, skibbity bop bop. And it's all day job now. You got to like the sketches and the thing and you got to hustle. Where back in the day it was a lot more like, we're sharing a condo. Yes. Sharing a hotel room. Which I think is good for you. It was annoying at times. Like, I don't want to share a condo with this fat weirdo. Right. But it was good for you in a little bit. Because even if you fought with a guy, you'd have to see him and then you'd make up. Right, right. So that's gone. Now you fight with a guy, you go, I'll avoid that fucker. I'll just be on the internet. And our manager quit while we were on that trip. Thank God. Yeah. Yeah. We did a little powwow. On the phone. I remember we were in the pool in DeRosa because we all had the same manager. And then DeRosa came out and he was like, Bjorn just quit. Whatever. And I remember him saying something too. He's like, well, maybe I'll go to L.A. At some point we all have to go to L.A. And I remember being like this, what? Why? What are you talking about? And he's like, don't you have to go to L.A.? You got to go to L.A.? When are you guys going to L.A.? Wow. So different. Go to L.A. L.A. So 80s. Yeah. You got to go to sitcoms. You got to live in Hollywood. Fuck that. And then we made him go ask the lady out who was like 65. Yes. And he bought it. He did it. Yeah, he did it. And the lady we just saw like him go like and the lady go. Yeah. And he came running back. At the Cheesecake Factory. Yes. That was like the big meal of the weekend. Oh, yeah. That was like a $40 meal. He better have bought that piece of shit. I think he did pick it up. I don't know. I'm not so sure. Either way. Maybe we ran out on it. I can't remember. But fun weekend all around. I learned a lot. I remember you yelled at me about having a day job. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I would go on stage. You go, what's up? My work. I file this whatever. I had a joke about my day job. And you're like, don't tell them you have a job. What are you kidding? They want to know you're a comedian. Right. I still feel that way. I've seen guys on late night be like, well, during the day I do that. I'm like, what are you crazy? You're in a suit. Yeah, but you're a working man. You're endearing. You're moonlighting as a comic. I suppose so. I just think if I bought tickets to a show and then went out and bought dinner and a drink and the first guy comes up and he's like, I'm a janitor. I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing here? I don't want to see a janitor. Well, Superman had a job. Yeah, but I don't think he needed it. He was trying to disguise. Well, he's got to pay rent. Superman makes no money. That's a good point. I never thought of that. That could be something. He has no money. These superheroes, like Batman, he's a billionaire. He's Bruce Wayne. He's like, what is he? An oil tycoon? I have no idea. I don't think you can say tycoon. Plastics? We've got a bleep tycoon. What did he do? Wayne Industry. I think he's just a vague. Chuck doesn't know. Nobody knows. He's wearing a fucking Superman t-shirt and a flash hat. Silver surfer shorts. Was he in textiles? What was he in? I don't know. We've talked about this all the time. I don't know what people do for money. I don't understand jobs. Anything that's outside of like construction, fireman. If it's non-union, I don't know what it is. Well, there's so many fake jobs. Data analyst entry, voting. I think that's all out now. Oh, that's out with AI. I'm an HR secretary to the chief of staff. But you never see Bruce Wayne actually working. He's never like. That's true. He's never carrying the one and everything. Yeah, yeah. You never see him like, ah, the Johnson file. Right. Board meetings and Dark Knight and stuff like that? He's got some meetings. There's some meetings. It's all vague. But I think that's what billionaire people do. I don't think they actually work. I think they make other people work. Yeah. I don't really know. Yeah, but Clark Kent had a job. He worked at the Daily Planet. Probably got paid all right. I think he was, what, a journalist or a. Wasn't he a photographer? Or was that Jimmy? No, you're thinking of Spider-Man. His thing is he's famously struggling. Spider-Man's thing is he's famously. Well, wasn't he 11 or something? He was young. Yeah, he was a kid. Yeah, he's in high school. So he had free rent. I don't know. He lived with Aunt Betty or whatever. No, he lives by himself. He goes to college. Oh. Yeah, I think it's a big part of him. What was the aunt's name? Uncle and. Aunt May. Oh. What is it? Aunt May. Aunt May. How about that? Pie May. I just read. I was reading the whole Superman Wikipedia because I was in Cleveland on the flight home. All they have is Cleveland. I went to. I mean, all they have is Superman. I went to the bookstore and it was like local interest. Literally, local interest. I'll send you the photo. Local interest and it's 100% Superman. That is the only interesting thing locally in Cleveland. So I was reading the whole Wikipedia about the two guys that came up with it and blah, blah, blah. It was like, it was in this thing. It was black and white and they were like, no, you gotta make them this and whatever. I already forget it though. Don't you hate that you read and then you just lose it? You don't retain. It's hard to retain. I should be like, oh, Superman. That was invented in 1930. Because I read it. But it just shoots right out the back of my asshole. Yeah. Yeah. Like, come. I find that this is not interesting, but I've been watching. I'm getting on a history kick and Netflix put out Ulysses S. Grant, FDR, Lincoln, Teddy, whatever. I'm watching all of them. I hold it in because you see the image. So you can relate to something. Visual is better. A visual sticks in your head. And boy, these FDR, I mean, FDR couldn't walk. Yeah. When you get past the new deal, you say new deal, I start falling asleep. I don't care about a new deal. I don't know anything about deals. Good deal. It was a good deal though. Art of the deal. Great deal. The old deal is a piece of shit. But anything political, I'm like, ah. But then you get to the human stuff. Like, the guy was faking being not cripple. That's insane. The president of the United States is waddling with braces on his legs to the podium. Then he would hold on and give a speech and kill it. Superman can't walk. Well, that's something I retained. I remember hearing his second or third, like, I was elected three times. That's right. His third inauguration is the shortest inauguration speech in history because it was the length that he was able to stand up. Wow. So it was like a six minute speech because he was like, had like, you know, the Jimmy legs. He was like, I'm happy to be the president again. Thank you. Crazy. Cheating on his wife. He's like, all right, well, she wants a divorce. And then his advisor goes, you got to stay together. It's going to look bad in the press. So he stays with her. Just for the press. Same here. Yeah, it's crazy. Polio Jerry. Ralph Lauren. Yeah, that's wild. Crazy. FDR. I love all the inside scoop. Ulysses S. Grant was the coolest guy ever. Guy was broke. He was a farmer, whatever. And then they joins the army. He's really good. They raise him up. He He becomes the whole Union general, the whole Union army. Kills everybody. How about give him hell, Harry Truman? I haven't gotten to Truman yet. Truman Show? He's good. He dropped the bomb. I mean, Colin Quinn has that great joke. They called him give him hell, Harry, because he was like a big pussy. It was like a sarcastic nickname. Oh. They were like, hey, give him hell, Harry. You nerd. Right, right. And then Quinn's joke is about how bullying is bad, because then he's like, oh, yeah? Give him hell, Harry? How about this? I will give them literal hell. He's just bombing, knocking, socking. They're like, Jesus Christ, Harry. We were joking. We're busting your balls. Yeah. Oh, one thing about Greg, he went to West Point. I don't think I can fart. I'm going to shit my pants. Oh, jeez. The coffee will get you. Like Shane Gillis and Greg Warren. Huh? They both went to West Point. Oh, is that right? But they both left after a year. Well, I think Shane left after like a couple days. He left. He joined the football team. He's like, this is crazy. I can't do this. Greg Warren did a year there. Then went to Kansas or Missouri. No, Kansas or Missouri. Okay. And was a All-American wrestler. Very similar. Wow. How about that? What does that mean? You always hear All-American, All-American. You have basketball. He's an All-American. Well, in wrestling, I think it's top seven wrestlers are All-Americans. Oh, okay. But I think in football, they must put it to a vote. I think the writers get together and they're like, all right, who are the best? These are the All-Americans. Who's doing these votes? I never get a piece of this. All-Americans is All-Star. I made the All-Star game. That's All-American, but college football. Yeah. They always say All-American when a guy is white and blonde. That guy's got an All-American look. Yeah. You could just say Aryan or Honky. I bet that's offensive now, the All-American. I bet it is, yeah. But I think you could say it about a black guy. You could say it about him, but they never do. Michael Che, he's an All-American guy. Well, it's like that old Jimmy, remember Jimmy Fala? Oh, yeah, of course. Jimmy Failia? Yeah, his name's kind of like failure. Yeah, like a Bronx guy. It's an unfortunate comedy name, but yeah, great guy. I love Jimmy. Well, he used to be a cab driver, and he was like, everybody was always blown away that there was a white cabbie, but they would never just say that. They'd never be like, that's a white cabbie. They'd go, huh, you don't see a lot of Yankees driving cabs. They would always come up with some random weird term because they couldn't say white. That was like Ted Alexander had a bit when Obama first became president in 08. He was like, I like a black president. I like it. It's like a lady bus driver. You get on, you're like, whoa, wow, oh, okay, no, no, good, good, good. I love it. Yeah. All right. Yeah. That was a funny bit. I love that Geraldo bit. Now we're doing bits where he goes, he's Hispanic, but he didn't really come off as Hispanic. His name's Greg. He's kind of white looking. And whenever people would find out he was Hispanic, they would always go, what? Man, you look good. How funny. You look good. That's great. He was a funny Hispanic. Yeah. All right. I think he's Colombian. He was. Yeah. Or he went to Columbia. Am I confusing those? I think he's Colombian descent. Is he Colombian? I mean, he went to Columbia? Can we get a reading on that? That's crazy. I never put that together. Maybe you're right. No, he is Harvard, I think. I think Noam is Columbia. I think I'm confusing. Okay. He is Colombian. He's Colombian, but went to Harvard. Born in Queens. That makes sense. But it would make sense to go to a New York school being from Queens. I wonder how many Colombians have gone to Columbia. Ooh. That's like the salsa salsa. Yeah. Although it's the same word. He's Columbia. He went to Columbia. Yeah. They're both. Are you from Columbia? No, I am from Columbia. But I went to Columbia. Well, of course you went to Columbia. You're from Columbia. Oh, yeah. It's a little who's on blow. I don't know. Harvard. I think he's Colombian, but went to Harvard. I think we put our heads together and we slam dunked it. I think he's a valedictorian as well, but I don't want to speak out of jizz. Chuck, can you read? You're looking confused. I'm sorry. I'm done. No, no. It was just your face looked like you couldn't figure it out. It's an interesting sentence. Greg Giraldo was born in New York to Colombian and Spanish immigrants. Okay. There you go. And he went to Columbia University. Whoa. For his undergraduate degree before graduating from Harvard Law School. So he is Colombian and went to Columbia. He is Colombian and went to Columbia. Exactly, yeah. That's crazy. And Harvard. What a brain on this mix. Now, we've talked about this before. I've talked about this all the time. This is one of my big talking points about how comedy is the most diverse job. I agree. How many jobs are there a Colombian guy who went to Columbia and another guy who went to West Point was an all-American wrestler. Yep. And then you got- The guy from the hood. Yeah. And then you got people just fucking straight up down syndrome in the business. Sure, sure. We won't say names, but Richard Pryor grew up in a whorehouse. Right. I mean, you can't get more down and out than that. Mike DiStefano, DiStefano- AIDS. Had AIDS and was a drug addict. Gomez's dad was killed by a knife point. Which Mike D had one of the great jokes ever. They're like, what were you before you were a comedian? He's like, I was a drug counselor. And they go, what were you before you were a drug counselor? He's like, I was a drug addict. They go, what were you before you were a drug counselor? They go, you were a drug addict. He goes, I was eight. Great bit. Mike DiStefano, if you don't know him, look him up. But he was like a scary, was he Italian? Scary Italian guy from Bronx or- Gotta be Bronx or something like that. Yeah, but one time he was on an interview and the guy goes, so how'd you find your voice? And he goes, what the fuck is, I was born with a voice. What's this voice bullshit? You just go up there, you be funny. You got enough of this bullshit? And the guy was like, okay, okay. Jesus. He was a short-tempered wop, that guy. Yeah, he was great. And then died of a heart attack. Yeah, with AIDS. He was like HIV positive and then died of a heart failure or something. That's gotta be, that's a left turn. It's kind of like Sam Kinison's, this big coke head alcoholic. He gets in a car, you're like, gotta be drunk driving. Someone else hit him. Yeah, and he was sober. I think he sobered up. I think he was sober. And I think the guy who hit him was drunk. His name is Stevie Ray Vaughan. Also sober. Helicopter crash. And then Bill Hicks. Keep drinking, folks. He got fucking lung cancer or pancreatic cancer. He's like 32. And he smoked eight packs a day. So you're like, it's gonna be lung. Right. Here we go. Pancreatic. Andy Kaufman, lung cancer, never smoked a day in his life. I think it's Clifton he did. Oh, maybe you're right. I think that was the weird thing. He had an alter ego, Tony Clifton. He was a vegetarian who didn't drink and didn't smoke. Tony Clifton would eat a steak, drink whiskey, and smoke. Interesting. How crazy is that? To go a whole nother, you're the same guy, but you're wearing a different outfit. And now you change your whole life. It'd be like if you put on a different shirt and went gay. Yeah. Or straight. Yeah. All right. Bob, what's your last name? Up and down in the water? Favorite joke of all time. Oh, I had another thing. Bob, up and down in the water. What were we talking about before Geraldo? That's better than anything you've got. We did Geraldo, then we did Ted before that. But I had a thing. Go, retention. Folks, every day is hump day when you have Blue Chew Gold. Be ready at the drop of your pants. Thanks to Blue Chew's new arousal. Boosting formula. Blue Chew Gold is better sex in a tablet with powerful ingredients to get you ready mentally and physically. It works fast and last so you guys can have a complete experience in the bedroom. I'm loving Blue Chew. I'm an older man. We're middle-aged men now. When we started this podcast, we were 22 and 23. We were single and gay and married at the same time. Now I'm old. I've been with the same woman for 37 years. Mark's been with the same woman for 34 years. We're gay. We want to prove to our women that we're still kind of straight. 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Thank you to Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast and the bedroom. We love you. Thank you. Back to the show. Hey, folks, this episode of Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Fabletics. All you need to know about Fabletics is I'm wearing it all day. Mark's wearing it all day, every day. This is our favorite stuff now. They've sent us so much stuff. My entire wardrobe. My wardrobe is Fabletics. The seasons are changing. You need clothes that can keep up. Fabletics has you covered for hot summer days and cool fall evenings. Sign up now as a new VIP Fabletics member and get 70% to 80% off, 80% off. That's insane. Stock up on the premium athletic and leisure wear you love at a fraction of the price. Those other brands charge you way too much. I'm wearing Fabletics right now. I swear to God. I'm doing it. They have the best t-shirts. They make you look pretty fit even if you're not all that fit. Great pants. Comfy pants. Socks. The works. Jackets. Sweatshirts. Everything. I'm all Fabletics all the time right now. Check out Fabletics. Don polo and shorts for days on the golf course or the effortless tee when you want to take it easy. Whatever you're doing, do it in Fabletics. Shop now at fabletics.com/tuesdays to get 70% to 80% off everything. when you sign up as a new VIP. Take the style. quiz, and be sure to select Tuesdays when prompted to unlock this offer. This is an unlimited time offer, so don't wait. Again, that's Fabletics.com slash Tuesdays for 70% to 80% off everything as a new VIP. Fabletics.com slash Tuesdays. You said Ted off of something I said. What do you say when you see things? Ted Alexandro. Say something. The bus. Oh, you did something before the bus. FDR. FDR. The bus. Oh, I got it back. Oh, Jesus. So, sorry. That's some meaty white flesh you got there. Ulysses S. Grant went to West Point. So, when he was fighting in the Civil War, you know, it's the right or the south versus the north, slavery, the whole thing. They would go, all right, well, general whatever is at this place in Vicksburg. We got to go kill him. He goes, I went to West Point with that guy. He's a bitch. We can take him. Really? So, he knew all the generals because he went to school with them. They're all the same age. Wow. So, he would go. He'd be like, I remember that guy. He's a homo. We got this. And they would win. How funny is that? That he knew the generals. So, he's like, oh, that guy, he's going to retreat. I know him. Yeah. Being at war with people you grew up with. That's fascinating. And then you get to kill him. Isn't that weird? You're like, oh, I was at home ec with that piece of shit. All right. Let's go murder him. Yeah. It'd be weird to shoot Gary Veeder in the face. Just like. Yes, exactly. He says something really clever as he's dying. I miss Veeder. Veeder had a great point the other day. We were talking about all those comedy redactics and all that. Well, now that Tom Segura's dumped or broken up. I shouldn't say dumped, but they're divorced. But they're done. All these guys are doing videos about it. And it makes you realize, these guys, it exposes them as just gossip columns. Of course. Yeah, yeah. It's not even like comedy breakdowns. It's just TMZ or Us Weekly or Extra, but for comedy. Oh, absolutely. And they all have millions of views. Millions of views. Well, I've watched a couple. So now my whole algorithm is just like. Oh, yeah. They're like, Joe Rogan's a fuck face. Right. Tony Hitchcliffe is gay. Right. Chuck is weird. Mark's a homo. Yeah. Burke Reicher's lost it. Everything's extreme. Samaril's in a wheelchair. Right. When it shows a picture of him, you're like. They always find an ugly photo. Right. The newspaper, they go, Rock is dead. They have to have some catchy bullshit. Yeah. You got to get the clickbait. I am holding in a shit. If you get a wheelchair, can I throw this at you? Then you can shit between shows. Sure. Now, let me get your feedback on this. I'm excited. So I went to the subway yesterday, right over here. I get down there. I'm on the platform. One side is going to Brooklyn. One side is going to Manhattan. Right. The Brooklyn side shows up. I'm going to Manhattan. A lady gets off in a wheelchair. She rolls off the subway, right onto the platform, a little dicey, and I can see her doing this. And I snap in action. I was a Cub Scout. I want to help this woman. And I go, you looking for the elevator? She goes, yeah, yeah, I need the elevator. I was like, I got you. Let me go check if it's on the other side. I run down the other side, no elevator. But there's a bunch of construction, so she can't get around to see. I run to the other side, no elevator. And I realize the construction is the elevator. Oh. And I go, the elevator's down. And she goes, oh. And she's so tired. She's distraught. I mean, she's sweating and just wheeling around in the sun in the subway. So I go, you want me to carry you? Come on. I swear. Come on. I felt so bad. Because this poor woman is stuck underground with no access to the sunlight. And this is like a crazy stairwell. You know, like it's one of those, we are low. We're in Hades here. Right, right. Is this yesterday, by the way? This is yesterday. She's probably dead. It was a forest fire. It was fucking gnarly. It was so gnarly outside yesterday. But I keep going. I keep hearing that. I never saw anything. Really? I know. I looked up in the sky. I never saw one puff. Oh, maybe it was worse in Manhattan. It was gnarly. That's where I was. You walked out. It was like, oh, you didn't notice? I couldn't. May said she was in Midtown. She's like, it was crazy. But I didn't notice a thing. That's true. Anyway, sorry. I'm sorry. And she was like, huh. And now there's a crowd forming. And I've just, I got Ulysses S. Grant in my head. I want to be a hero, you know? I got FDR. No legs. She's like her. She's FDR. She took the FDR train. So I was like, yeah, you want me to carry you? And she was like, you got to think of the logistics here. This means I'm going to hold this woman up like Baywatch, bring her upstairs, put her on the disgusting ground, go back, get the chair, bring the chair up. And plus, it's going to be a lot of finagling. Like, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck. And then you're face to face. I'm sweating on her. I'm breathing on her. Well, you need a second. You need a second person. I mean, this is no good. You can't do this by yourself. Wow. You got to get a couple more guys. I mean, it is Brooklyn, so it's going to be tough to find a volunteer. She was Asian. So I feel like they have hollow bones. They're like birds. That's true. So I was like, ah, you know, and I don't want to do it, but I already asked. I put myself in the position. Oh, boy. And I'm thinking maybe I could do the over the shoulder, like a fireman, you know? She's in the chair? She's in the chair. You're going to take her out, put her up, and then go get her? Yeah. Go get the chair. I guess I could have done the click, click, click, click, you know, backwards. Like the untouchables. I didn't think about that one. This is a long stairwell. I mean, this thing was up there. So she was like, eh. Whoa. Yeah. I don't know. Me no know that's a good idea. Yeah. And so I was like, eh, it's your call. Kind of hoping she's like, eh. And then thank God this black woman goes, you know, you could go to the next stop. They have an elevator. And then just wheel it around a little extra. And she was like, I'll do that. And the whole place was like, all right, all right. But yeah, that was a scary moment. Then I got on the train and left. But that was dicey. I felt so bad for this woman. Yeah. I mean, first of all, it's just too many risks. Too many, what do you call it? Liability? Yeah, but what's that? Variables. She could have shit in her pants, piss in her cunt. That's true. She could have long, yellow, pointy. Pointy nails that scrape you and give you whatever. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. She was cute. Bird flu and all that stuff. COVID-21. Right. So I think you did the right thing. You offered. I offered. It's like inviting, you know. Chuck over. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, right. You pray they're out of town. Exactly, exactly. Hey, Chuck, we're having a thing. It's no big deal. But oh, it's during the Superman marathon. OK, fine. We'll see you next time. Whatever it is. You got to watch Hawkeye marathon, yeah. All right, so. I never got Superman. I don't get it. I want to like Superman. It's too easy. Well, you know what it is? He's one of the first guys. So out of the gate, you got to go broad. Right. He's a Superman. It's like old, you ever watch old comedy where they're like, cats and dogs? What? And the crowd's like, oh, my God. Right. How did he think of that? And now you can't do cats and dogs. Well, the thing is, I watched, I tried to watch the Superman, whatever, 1978 Superman, the Superman movie. Yeah. It takes, it's 60 minutes and it's still no Superman. Really? It's Marlon Brando. It's slow. There's a rock. There's a light. It's just gay. I think they don't need, don't give me an origin. Just everyone knows Superman. Sure. Just cut in there and Superman's Superman. That's true. They really, back in the day, they milked the shit out of the beginning of the movie. Like The Shining, nothing happens for like an hour. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of nothing. Foreplay. Foreskin. Yeah. Well, she was Christopher Reeves. I mean, this lady was down and out. Christopher leaves. Folks. Yeah, so. Stuff writes itself. But yeah. Anyway. So she's dead. She's in a backward trunk somewhere. But you didn't notice the sepia tone yesterday? No, no sepia. Really? I wish. I was looking for it. It was so crazy. You noticed? I saw an air pollution thing on my phone. It's crazy. I wasn't able to see it though. But you didn't smell it? I didn't smell. Well, there was no seeing. It was just the whole atmosphere. It smelled like a forest fire. Ah, God. I was also. And everything was like blotted out. It was like orange. Really? I was on a seat by just whistling Dixie. That's wacky. Yeah, I guess I got to look up. Hold on. Here it comes. This is going to be not a shit. Oh, that was a cutie patootie. I think I might have had the parasite. I couldn't stop. Oh. Oh, you know what's funny? Somebody tweeted. Yeah, we're doing great. America, I can't eat lettuce or breathe air. I was like, damn, it's right there. That's good stuff. I love that lettuce is the thing we can't have. Like, ah, we got to lose weight. We got to cool out with the Pop-Tarts and the Jack in the Box. But don't eat lettuce. That'll get you. Well, Greg Rogel had a bit like that years ago. He's like, you know, cheeseburger will kill you in 40 years. But lettuce will kill you tomorrow or something like that. Something a bit like that. I heard a great. I was on the floor the other day. Yesterday. Two days ago. Matt Wayne and I drove out. To the Ryan Reese gig. What's the name of that place? That gig's great. Long Beach. Borelli's. Borelli's. Yes. I've done it 30 times. Yeah, yeah. You're the go-to guy. Quick shout out to that spot. That place is fucking awesome. Great room. Great food. They give you great food. Great food. Great room. Meatballs. Just hot crowds. The salt of the earth, meat of the cock crowd. Long Beach, baby. Love Long Beach, which is where the Corleones lived and the Godfather. Oh, I didn't know that. I brought that up on stage last time. People started debating me. You know that thing where you know something? You know something so well, and then people are like, nah, you're out of your mind. So then you're like, am I crazy? Right. And I'm like. Like, how do you live in a town where the greatest film of all time takes place and you're unaware of it? Right. Didn't you know that? That should be on the water tower. I mean, if Backdraft took place in Whitman, I'd know about it. Well, Backdraft is a little bit weaker than Godfather. But I know what you mean. Like, when I grew up in New Orleans, I would tell everybody, interview with the vampire. Everybody walked by. I told them, interview with the vampire was shot right there. And they would go, who are you? We've never met. But, yeah, that was a big thing. I'm like, the Corleones are your neighbors, and you're just unaware. Unaware. Anyways, great gig, great pizza, great meatballs. Go out there, check out that room. Ryan Reese, great guy, fun show. Good show. But on the way out there, we're talking Van Halen, we're talking muses, Matt Wayne and I. And David Lee Roth is one of these guys now that's still trying to rock. Oh, really? Which is very sad. These rock stars, I have a feeling, a hypothesis, a thought. I don't know things anymore. What do you call that? Theory. Theory! Pythagoreum. I think once you're, if you're a rock and roll singer, once you hit 70, you should do solo acoustic in a theater, like a Johnny Cash. I hurt myself. Right, right. Like, David Lee Roth should be like, might as well jump. You know what I mean? He can't even walk. But they're trying to sing, and you've got to see the video. I'll send it to you. He's like. If he jumped, he'd die. He'd die. He's like, you got it tough. I've seen the toughest around. And he's wearing spandex. He sounds like dog shit. But the comment, some of these Instagram people, these internet people, it says, a pair of jeans would have been just fine. I was on the floor. I couldn't stop laughing. I'll send it to you. There was another comment. I don't have Instagram on my phone, but this is good stuff. Matt sent it to me. Hold on. I'm going to send it your way. You reached a couple of top comments. That's the problem. They're like athletes. If you keep going into your old age, it gets sad. You see Larry Bird try to dunk a basketball. He's going to break a hip. That's what's great about comedy. I mean, just look at it. Look at the image. It's horrible. That's terrible. Look at those pants. A pair of jeans would have done. Read the top two comments, because it was pair of jeans was great, and fuck, the second one was great, too. Well, there's an industry in the comments. You can see there are people who are fighting for the best, the top one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alec Hughes does that all day long. He's very lonely. Comments are out of focus. I mean, the top other one is, I didn't even go to the concert, and I want my money back. That's good. That's very funny. That's funny. Hold on. Show Mark the video. Play a little bit of this. We can plug this in, right? Yeah, we can. How about the first guy to write, I walked out of that movie, and I saw it on a plane. Yeah, I've never heard that. Oh, that's good. That's a big one. Whoever came up with that really deserves a high five. That's a good one. That's a good one. I mean, oh, this is tough. The pants. Look at those pants. Oh, man. He's trying. I mean, he's got a sleeveless shirt. He's like this. Oh, man. He's dancing like my mom. Oh, poor guy. And his big smile. Can we get him? Can we get an age on this guy? He should be doing synchronized swimming. This is out of control. I mean, this is one of the all-time greats. Wow. I guess he could do a nursing home for people his own age. Well, I think he would look normal. I think you put him in a small theater and have him on a stool. Right. And he could be like, you got it tough. I seen the toughs around. You're like, oh, this is like a new spin on an old song, you know? But spandex. Spandex is crazy. That's bananas. A pair of jeans would have just done fine. It's great. Do you have guesses on the age? I'm going to say, all right, first record I think was 73, 76. Wow, that early? 76 maybe, that first Van Halen record, which is one of the great debut albums of all time. I'm going to say that's 50 years ago. I can't believe he's alive. I'm going to say he's 74. I'll say 81. 71. Oh, wow. All the way up. I thought he'd be way older than that, because he peaked in the 80s. Well, he was born in 1954. 54, so. Well, that makes sense. He was 20 in the 70s. Okay. Yeah, 20-something. Okay. All right. Yeah. Damn. And he's literally dancing like this. Well, I hate to shit on your asshole, but I saw the Stones live, and they were cooking. Yeah, well, Mick looks unbelievable. I mean, he was at the World Cup match. He looked like fucking just a regular. He's a guy. He looks better than I do. I think, what's the other guy? Keith. Yeah. He just never stopped doing drugs, and it's keeping him alive in a weird way. Right. I think if he had stopped, he would have died. Well, he got money. He got a blood transfusion at one point. What almost killed him was a coconut. A fucking coconut fell on his head and almost killed him. Get out of here. That was 20 years ago now. That's hilarious. He was like, oh, he went down. I mean, that's comedy. I mean, it's great. No way. Yeah, yeah. Did an anvil hit him and a piano fall on him as well? Did he fall through a manhole? But any farts, we got to tell a story, for God's sakes. Oh, jeez. This has been crazy. Well, I got a whopper, but I think we're out of time. We got a little bit of time. I can tell some non-whoppers, a junior whopper. All right. Oh, yeah. Give me a Mick Jr. Hold on. We got some good time. Oh, okay. Great. Yeah. Hi there, folks. This week's episode of Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Good Wipes. Dude, I'm loving Good Wipes. Summer means sweaty nuts and stinky butts. Clean yourself up with Good Wipes. Good Wipes are flushable, plant-based wipes for the bathroom. 40% bigger and stronger than your average wipes. 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Well, I could talk about Portland, Maine a little bit. All right. Hit me there. Well, I was up in Portland, Maine. First of all, I got no stories. I was in Maine for fucking seven months, it felt like. Uh-huh. And they had the fucking massive heat. It was 105 degrees up there or some shit, which is it throws off your rods and cones when you go to a place. Every year for 40 years and it's 70 degrees, whatever. You bring a hoodie at night. Right. You go up there, it's 106. Wow. But we did, speaking of shout outs, Empire Comedy Club. Woo! Great room. One of the great rooms ever. Lucas is the man. He runs the club. Great egg. It's his spot. Attic of an old Chinese restaurant. Yes. Lunch. So it was one of these gigs where people just kept reaching out, being like, I'm in town. I'm in town. I live in town. I'm from whatever. I hate I'm in town. Well, first of all, Dan Bulger, our boy. I like Bulger. He's the best. the bulger you know bulge is a little screwy in the brain sure so uh good screwy he's like at the thursday friday show he texts me like tuesday he's like i'm not gonna make it up there tonight i thought i was gonna come but now i can't i had my my shrapnel disappointment i stepped on a thumbnail okay i go tonight i go it's it's tuesday i mean i'm in new york and first of all you have that heart attack you know that feeling when somebody texts you and they're like hey man i got a bail on tonight you're like tonight yeah what am i supposed to be i i'm i'm knee deep in pussy at the uh titty bar you're like what is this the worst text of all time where are you where are you where are you forget oh my god where are you carbon san diego so i go uh yeah now the gig's on thursday and he's like oh all right next night wednesday he's like hey man i got swamped i'm just not gonna make it up there tonight and i'm like still no show yet yeah it's wednesday the show's thursday oh boy so he's whacking me out by the way we had tom dustin's bachelor party monday night supposed to be a big surprise surprise got blown take one guess which comic blew the cover uh-oh it wasn't me no bulger oh because bulgers bulgers in nantucket with with tom they're gonna shoot in the breeze big al who's tom's best man he calls he goes hey all right it's all set up baby we gotta go thing and then uh he gets on the phone tom goes what was that about he's like oh the axe throwing uh event monday night but that's not anything that's nothing don't worry about it oh he's like a nine year old this guy well he's got some mental problems but he's the funniest guy in the world so anyway funny you do an empire kick ass so we go up there kick ass he's supposed to be he's supposed to be on the show but he bails mike tooey you know mike tooey he's a brooklyn guy he's from long beach actually really oh yeah is he a fireman or a cop he's a comic oh he's what i told you has that bit we talked about pull up mike tooey's face i might know his face i don't know if you can find it he's pretty obscure this guy yeah he's not a good guy good looking guy he's a tooey oh he's got he's a very handsome boy oh okay my wife has a thing for him ah he's one of these quiet guys he's in the corner all quiet and handsome okay strong quiet handsome love hand quiet guys interesting face there he is yeah he's like a man yeah yeah yeah he is uh he's got a square jaw looks like an astronaut he's the one i told you has the joke that i love about he had he dated a girl who just wore thongs exclusively all the time yeah yeah he's like you wear them all the time she's like that's all i wear he's like to the doctor yes is this a rash how good is that fit that's very funny he's got another great bit that you'd love about he goes when you when you you bump into a guy like an elevator door opens and you're getting on a guy gets off you go oh he's like what is up every guy does oop we do oop he's like but you've never seen a father with his son be like you gotta do oop you bump into a guy you gotta say oop that's true he's like i knew a guy one time that didn't do the oop he never spoke again it was very funny that's funny it's very very original very imaginative yeah i saw a black guy what are you johnny carson yeah very good very imaginative um i saw a black guy he goes uh black guys we go all out with our handshakes you know when we bump into each other what you bump into white by the white guy they go and i was like i was sitting in the crowd i was like we do do that i do go that's good stuff that's very good observation i love an oop i love uh is this a rash it's all great so anyways he's in town he's with his family he goes can i do guest spots like okay great you got the guest spots then doug key he's like i live in rhode island that's only an hour whatever i'll come up there you go of course the hotel the club doesn't put him up so i'm like i'll throw you a few shekels and then uh then he's got no hotel the next day you always feel bad it's just you're hoping it's just homeless for the day right but i have my parents and the baby and he's too hot to be near my wife so we kept it separate are we talking two or dougie dougie okay well you got it's a hot guy fast it's a little uh emasculating doug and tui these two handsome boys then brendan air came by oh he's a handsome he's a three he's like a purple belt he's covered in tattoos he's strong he's hilarious so i'm just in there with all these hot guys the whole hour i'm on stage i'm like i made sarah sit behind me jeez you got a group of really cute men you're like tim dillon that's not bad so anyways so uh great show the whole point is there's no air conditioning in the building because it's maine they usually just open so they do this have you ever seen this trick i i was like blown away you want to have these people get to the top this is from the 50s they took a big bucket of ice and put it in front of a fan that's like the original air conditioning i feel like something rocky balboa's uh teacher would do mickey mickey so yeah there's this big coach trainer thank you corner man mike manager there we go you need a manager yeah i want you to eat a spotlight or eat a stoplight and shit red green and yellow eat lightning and crap there we go take it to the zoo retards love the zoo anyways they put the ice bucket challenge they get the fan going but best shows of my career all right we've heard that three shows all sold out fucking unbelievable fans going pouring sweat i was like a black i feel like earthquake up there i had a big towel towel yeah i was schvitzing doug key did a bang up job except for one joke he tried but he killed two he killed sarah killed sarah's got some hot stuff hell yeah all right tola and then uh so it's just a great show great hat you're back there the problem is that room it's just like a little wall i can hear them all flirting with my wife back there ah i'm on i'm on stage i just hear her giggling and then be like well i can bench 300 pounds i can bench 400 pounds she's like oh that's so funny that's tough can you shut the fuck up back there i do hate that the stand has that it's a good club but there's that wall everybody stands on and there's no door so they're just going oh that joke's like that i'm like i can hear everything i hate that oh boy i hope you couldn't hear me i know it hurt my feelings so uh anyways the shows were fucking lights out awesome and then the uh friday afternoon we went out to peaks island which is where i grew up going which was fun you take the ferry out there lower peak that was dynamite but it was 175 degrees and uh yeah just shout out empire comedy club mike tooey doug key sarah tolamas check them all out fucking unbelievable shows and thanks to everyone that came out it was so fun to be here and i'm going to you love selling out the shows oh yeah that feels good small room yeah but that green room is tight too it's you gotta really make love in there oh yeah i ordered a pizza it was delightful i get the chinese sent up yeah they got like that wacky chinese that's like sasquan or sasquatch thai uh no no red thai food oh really i think it's look it up look under empire comedy club portland some kind of special chinese it's like whack fusion wacky chinese yeah sasquan sasquan it might be sasquan that's something that means i don't either actually i like general sell give me spicy kung pow chicken oh yeah i love a kung pow i want white rice covered in orange jizz and i want to eat it and be like yes come back you know oh my asshole sweating empire comedy asian food yeah yeah that ought to do it asian bottom do you want me to google it that's how salicus does it it's rin thai restaurant and bar does that sound right i don't know i think it's lynn i don't think that's right if you're in tin or in berlin the rinds are crossed make a spin or else you win this mtv is not for free portland maine by the way i had this too i'm in portland oregon in three weeks oh i got a guy reach out to me he goes hey do you want to film the shows in portland i go great he goes they're 200 bucks a show i go fantastic and i go i'm at the comedy club the night i'm like hey is there any uh is the camera guy here and lucas is like camera guy uh-oh he's like i film all the shows for free i'm like oh fuck i'm paying some guy six hundred dollars he's like there's no guy here so i'm like well i guess he didn't show i'm like a retard it's like a abbott and costello i'm like well i guess he didn't show i got brooked then four days later this guy emails he's like i noticed you said three shows but you're doing five how come you don't want the other two and i was like oh i'm an asshole he's portland oregon helium over there yeah don't worry i got them all filmed at the portland mixed it's like if a colombian went to columbia hot dog did you find out it just says portland empire chinese chicken chinese kitchen but they do a fusion over there it's some kind of wacky cookie out there yeah i've looked at the menu it's got some spicy poppy poo hong kong phooey dim sum our kitchen specializes in dim sum dim cum dim sum drink come carry on that's a t-shirt be the shirt i like the old game but drink come and carry on that should be the shirt that's fun no one has that no one has that's gonna fly off the shelves with the ladies they're gonna love that one drink um um anyways all right that's our got milk give me one of yours i saved some stuff i got some stuff so let me let me throw this one at you i don't know if you noticed anything about me anything different well you got oklahoma city basketball shorts this is fabletics yeah i love the fab big nick celebration you got your oklahoma city shorts on yeah i love the bombing similar colors what's that tan line oh yeah why is there a tan line oh yeah i know i don't know i know the watch yes oh the watch is gone oh how come well i was over the holidays i was wrestling with a couple of kids just randomly at the mall and they ripped my one of them ripped my watch off because we're really getting in there my wallet's gone a five-year-old and a three-year-old and I'm headlocking, I'm finger up the butt, I'm poking eyes out, I'm fighting dirty. And one of them just claws at me, rips the watch. How about this? The watch band breaks. So I go, ah, shit. I've had this watch for nine years or something crazy. Is that right? Runs like a Kenyan. Never had one problem with it, except for the beeping and no time telling. But great watch otherwise. So I go, fuck. All right. My watch is broken, but just the band. So I go, all right, all right. What do I do? I live in Manhattan. I live in Brooklyn. There's a million Jews with watch stores out there. So me and Salicus have lunch, and I go, let's Google watch repair. And he goes, I got one two blocks away. We go, great. We walk over there, and I go, this is a Timex $10 watch. It's going to be the easiest watch to fix. I walk in. The guy's got the loop. He's an old Russian guy. You better clean your fucking loop. He's sitting at the desk. His watch is everywhere. One of these little hole-in-the-wall shops with a zillion things on the wall. And I go, hey, man, I got an easy one for you. And he goes, can't do. And I go, what are you kidding? It's a band. A broken band. It's cheap shit. And he goes, that's crazy. Can't do. Can't fix. And I'm like, what are you, nuts? You're a New York watch guy. You got watches all over the place. He goes, you need Chinese. And I go, I need Chinese. He goes, Chinese man do it. Isn't Casio Italian? Timex. Yeah. So he goes, you need Asian. And I go, oh, jeez. All right. So we walk out of there. And Salicus goes, let me see the watch. He starts tinkering. He gets one side in. Oh, wow. OK. So Salicus has already done 50% of the watch. This guy couldn't even touch it. Give me the watch. He's Kramer. So he goes, I can't get the other side. I can't get the other side. He goes, if I had pliers, I could do it. So I go, I got pliers at home. I go home. I get the pliers. I snap it. I break it. So now it's fucked. So now I have no watch. The Richard Pryors. So I email Timex. You email Timex? I email Timex. What are they, at AOL? Yes. So I DM'd him. And I go, hey, Timex. What's shaking, big daddy? And I sent him a photo of the watch. I go, the watch works. It's just a broken band. And they ride this long. And clearly, like, what do you call it? Automatic response. And it says, like, we care about you as a customer. Here's what you got to do. You got to send in proof of purchase. You got to take eight photos of the watch. You got to send in the receipt. I'm like, I don't have any of that shit. I bought this thing nine years ago. And I wrote, I don't have any of that shit. I bought it nine years ago. And they go, we don't appreciate the language, da, da, da. And so how about this? So I put the watch on the counter. I go to bed. I wake up dead. I thought it was going to be fixed. No. Oh, that would be a better ending. So it's like the band was holding it together. It was like when the wife dies, the husband goes. Right. You know? And the watch died. And it never died in my life. This thing, I would take it in the ocean, across the seas, during sex, fisting. Never had a problem with it. The band breaks. It dies the next day. So does it need a new battery? Can you still drop it off? Can they fix the band and the battery? Well, Timex is out because they need all this proof of purchase, which is crazy. So that's not going to happen. So then. I'm doing Kismet, Jerry. Mm-hmm. I'm doing Cleveland. Hilarities. I'll come. Huh? I said I'll come. Oh, yeah. So great weekend. Amazing weekend. One of those weekends, top to bottom, perfect. Every show was great. The food was great. Umar, we had a great time. We watched the World Cup. We had so much fun. This guy reaches out. Teddy. Teddy. Hey, I'm a watch guy in Cleveland. I have a show about watches. I've had Jeslenak. I've had Segura. I've had Bird. I've had all these comics. And I love comedy. I see you're in Cleveland. Come by, and I'll give you a watch. Whoa. And I go, did you know about my watch? And he goes, what do you mean? And I go, I have a Timex for years. He goes, I don't know. So a guy hit me up. This is unbelievable. To do a watch show. It's going to come out at some point. It's like luxury watches. It's Rolex. It's Grand Seiko. It's Omega. It's all the big ones. And I go down there. We do a show. He has this beautiful watch. It's a watch store. Gives me an Omega. So where is it? I guess I should have brought it on the air. Want me to go get it? You don't have to go get it, but I'm surprised you're not wearing it. Chuck, why don't you grab it? It's on the counter upstairs. What if his wife is naked? Maybe I'll do it. It's the kitchen. The kitchen. All right. In the kitchen. Grab a Starbucks while you're up here. Yeah, give me a soda. Why don't you get me a soda? Yeah. It feels like a Tuesday. So how do you like the new watch? I love the new watch, but it's a real man's watch. It's like fancy pants. I'm used to a child, retarded, special needs, digital. Now, let me ask you this. What do you like about the watch? Do you check the time on it? I want to know exactly what time it is at all times. And I hate pulling my phone out every 10 seconds. Right. Okay. There it is. Now, look at that beauty right there. That's a fucking watch. That watch has been to the moon. Listen to this watch. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. That's nice. Omega. They're big. I know about Omega. So we did a whole tour. This is the nicest man on the planet, Teddy. Look at this thing. Check out his store in Cleveland area. It's engraved. I'll go right now. Yeah. I'll stay for a week. And he's like, we went around and we picked all my favorite watches. We must pick five watches. And then we brought them to a little section on black velvet. And he goes, all right, now you got to pick your favorite. So we went through each one. He told me he knows everything about watches, everything about the quarts and the springs and the gears and the Seiko does this. And they have a battery in it. And this is all digital. It's been windy and whatever. This one's been to the moon. This was a John F. Kennedy was shot in his watch, whatever it was. Guy knows everything. And I ended up with that one. Wow. How about that? So you got that and a Rolex. Yeah. I can't wear the Rolex. No, you can't. He knew about that. He was like, why don't you wear the Rolex? That's a great watch. And I was like, I just can't do it. No kidding. After about a half hour of hanging out with me, he's like, I get it. Look at that. That's nice. Come on. I feel like a man. It's heavy. It's real time. Now, is it right? Oh, yeah. Let me see. It better be. Oh, yeah. 12.20. 12.20. I said it myself. That's nice. Oh, yeah. So I can do my time on stage, tick, tick, tick, stopwatch, you name it. And look at this. I feel like a fraud. That's a honey of a watch. Thank you. Now, what does that cost? What's that, a $2,000 watch? You might have to give it a go, Chuck. I don't want to say it because the fans are going to flip. Well, it was given to you. I don't care. Omega watch. Omega, this is the, I don't know, it's got the colorful dials on there. Yeah, colorful dial. Yes. Omega, colorful dial. So it's round. Yeah, silver. It's a round. It says something on there, on the Omega. My eyes are going, bro. I can't see nothing. Yeah, me neither. It has the time on it, too. Yeah. Did I tell you about this? Oh, thank you. Speedmaster. Oh, the Speedmaster. Omega Speedmaster round silver watch dials. Yes, good thing for a method. Oh, yeah, that's pretty good. The Speedmaster. All right, Speedmaster. Hunter Biden. It has a general. You want me to say it? It's 8,500. Keep going. It'd be. Is it the colorful one? Oh, actually, it's funny because it does have the Speedmaster. I don't see the color one. Let me see. Let me see. So Omega's like up there, then. Oh, Omega's big, Jerry, because they were a normal watch company, and then Neil Armstrong wore it to the moon, and that just put him on the map. Oh, wow. Let me see. Or off the map. I guess so. Off the grid. Off the grid. It's up there. Say it out loud. Come on. I'm seeing 10,000. Read it out loud. 10,700. That's how many steps I got yesterday. That's not right. That's something in that ballpark. Whoa. I feel bad I touched the fucking thing. I know. I'm going to have to clean it now, but yeah. It's orange and blue. It's got some dials. Yeah, that's it. 10,700. $10,000. You add tax to that. That's a good 11K right here. $10,000 for me by myself. For that, you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing. I mean, that is something now. That's a $10,000 watch. You got to do this show. Forget about your ex-girlfriend for 10 seconds. I can't. Get your ass out to Lakewood and get yourself a real time piece there, Patty. 10 grand. I couldn't believe he let me walk out with that. I thought it was a prank. I thought he was going to tase me. So he paid you $10,000 to do his web show. I guess it's a write-off, Jerry. I'm doing Ronon's show for six bucks. Yeah, I know, right? I wish he gave me six bucks. I did another pod after. I paid him. Wow. Yeah, it's crazy. I would fucking sell that thing the next morning. No, this is the best thing I own. It's this, my kid, and my house. Well, the Rolex has got to be double that. And those appreciate. Rolex is eight. Is that right? I looked it up. It was eight grand then. That was 20 years ago. Now, I thought Rolex was like the creme de la creux. I think it is, no? Well, here's the clinker. I'll ask Chet Chippy, too. A Rolex is like a Rolls Royce. It's like worth a lot. It's sexy. It's rich. But nobody has a Rolex. Nobody actually wears one. Nobody wants one. This is a Corvette. This is a Porsche. Right. How many guys buy a Rolls Royce? Well, not many. All right, here we go. If you're talking about a combination of history, craftsmanship, prestige, innovation, finishing, and influence on watchmaking, here's how I'd rank the top 10 luxury watch manufacturer. Rolex is number five. There we go. Wow. I don't think Omega's even going to be on there. Omega's number nine. Oh, okay. So, you got Pet Tech, Felipe. Philip. Pet Tech, Philip. Pet Detective. Vacheron, Constantine. Ah, you see, this is like those guys who, oh, my favorite comic is Kelly Wilder. Found in 1755. Number three, A. Artie Lang. Look at that. A. Lang and Sophne. Okay. Artie Lang and Sophne. All right. Otterman's Piglet. Five is Rolex. Okay. World's most recognizable luxury. brand, exceptional reliability, durability, resale value. Famous models, Submariner, Daytona, GMT Master. Okay. F.P. Jaune. Yeah. Jaeger. La Couture. Braggit. Braggit. Braggit. Omega. Omega. Grand Seiko. Grand Seiko. That's Japanese. Oh. Oh, Seiko. Timex is number 11, so that's cool. Timex is 11? No, I'm joking. Oh, jeez. I was about to say. I'll fish that thing out of the garbage. Paytech Felipe. I'd never heard of that. Often considered the pinnacle of traditional watchmaking. Extraordinary finishing, complications, and long-term value. Famous models, Nautilus, Calatrava, Grand Complications. Oh, Nautilus sounds familiar. So there you go. I thought, I'm a fucking idiot. I thought Rolex was top of the heap. Top of the heap. A number one. But yeah, I just walk around. It's like a new haircut where you're like, I'm just showing people. They don't notice. You're hiling to everybody. Yes, big hile. So there it is, folks. $10,000 watch for free. See? Everybody goes, oh, you do all these podcasts. You got to start learning to say no. And here I am walking out with a nice silver $10,000 hunk of jizz. Wow. Oh, yeah. Thank you, Teddy. That away, Ted. Hey, Teddy, I'm back in Cleveland in two weeks and four weeks and eight weeks. It's worth the flight. Get a $500 flight. Get a watch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll drive out there with all my stuff. You all. Oh, yeah. Move in. Might as well. Teddy and Becca. Two good reasons. Wow. That's crazy. Crazy. Facing Becca. But, yeah, very exciting. Thank you, Ted. And the whole time, I don't know if I'm supposed to be saying this, because the whole time he's like, oh, that's an expensive watch. That's going to set you back. And I kept being like, is he expecting me to buy a watch? Oh. But I guess not. I walked right out of there. What if he sends you a Venmo request tomorrow morning? Well, then I'm moving to Chile. What the hell do I care? Sorry. I'm gone. Well, that's a hell of a tale and a hell of a watch. I think I might go. Like I said, back to Cleveland in a couple of days. There you go. I don't blame you. I'll go for a few months. That way I can feel out the vibes. Sure. Sure. Yeah. Get your hands on it. I just don't get a watch. I mean, you look at your phone all the time. You're texting. It's there. I love a watch. When it's not on me, I freak out. You don't have a watch either. I do. It's charging right now. Oh. Charge it. The Apple Watch. That's not a Felipe Patek. I love the Apple Watch. Tracks my sleep. Tracks my walks. All that kind of stuff. I don't want to be tracked. Too much tracking. It's like, oh, I didn't get the steps. I didn't get the sleep. I didn't get the promotion. All right. Anyways, all right. Well, we got to wrap this thing up. I have no idea where I'm going to be. What date does this come out? July 27th. God damn. Jesus Christ. Hey, how about July 3rd? I texted you. Oh, yeah. That's crazy. Louie. Louie. Give him that tag we see all the time. July 3rd. July 3rd. That was a Louie tag. So, where am I? This is a good time. This is a good time. This weekend. Oh, I'm home this weekend, but I'm in Portland, Oregon, August 13th, 14th, 15th, and then St. Louis. Funny bone. I've never plugged this in my life. I didn't even realize this was in the books. I turned the page. You ever do that? You turn the page of your calendar, and you're like, St. Louis. Oh, wow. Where the fuck did I book this? I don't use a calendar like that. Anyways, I know. I'm retarded. But August 21st, 20th, 21st, 22nd, St. Louis, funny bone, and Portland, Helium, August 13th through the 15th. Go check out Tom Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian. He's getting married on August 1st in Key West. Give me a hotter than my sister's asshole. So, go watch the movie. I'll throw him a few bucks. You guys buy the movie. I'll give him the money. Thank you. And September, I'm in a bunch of places in September. Toronto, that's on sale now, by the way. Toronto, September 24th. That thing's going to sell out. And a couple other places I've got to look up. Oh, Austin, of course. Mothership, September 3rd through the 5th. Louie. Sell that out so it's our fans and not these meatballs. I had J.D. Vance on last night, yesterday. Oh, boy. Talking about the election being stolen. I'm like, oy vey. Oh, no. Oy vey. Anyways, thanks for listening. Be on the Patreon, Marcus. Hey, which election? All-American? Hey, hey. Oh, this is the 23rd? 27th. 27th, sorry. I will be at a big, whopping, smelly Cobb's Comedy Club. I love that club. I love that town, San Francisco. Oh, my God, I love San Francisco. Great, great. One of the greatest clubs in the world. Great cities. Houston Improv. Those tickets there. That's a tough, tough sled now. It's a big room. Yeah, it's a black room. Big, black cock. Oh, I love big, black cock. Oh, the BBC, my favorite channel. Zany's in Nashville. We added a show. Love the Nash. Love the Gash. Pittsburgh Improv. Come on by. And a lot of Steelers fans. I'm a Steeler. Calgary, Laugh Shop. And then it's my birthday. Then Acme in Minneapolis. Comedy Works in Denver. Denver Comedy on State in Madison. What a club. What a run I'm having there. That's crazy. New hours cooking. Come on by. Say hello. We got a hot 45, I'd say. And, yeah, get on the Patreon. And what do you got? Chute, chute, train. Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. We just did a really fun episode with Rupert. Hey! Still alive. Yeah. It's worth the wait. It was a good episode. Joe would love it. It's called Blockbuster the Game. Oh. Each person gets a franchise like E.T. A director and an actor, and you've got to write your own movie with those people in three minutes. Oh, that's fun. It's a game. It's a game on the podcast. But, yeah, check out Fun Bearable. And also, if you're interested in being part of a very fun comedy project, hit me up at at Discount Chuck on Instagram and Twitter. Just showed Joe and Mark part of the new bit that we filmed. It's lunch. Very funny. Yeah. Very funny. It's all pipes. That sounded sarcastic. No. It's very funny. I appreciate it. I like it. Yeah. Hit me up at Discount Chuck on Instagram and Twitter. And we'll see you in hell. Comedy, praise Allah. No one wants to be themselves. Up in the heavens where legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe.