#665 Yamahomo

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Holy hell, we're here, we're back, we're queer, we're doing it! We're here. What episode number is this? How many episodes of this goddamn show have we done? And what month is this coming out? This is either 664 or 665. Wow, almost 666. Wow, yeah. The devil! How about these devil people? Oh, Jesus. That was the devil! The devil! How about this? Sarah did a big. We're in Cleveland. Flight to Cleveland? We're in Cleveland Sunday. She's at the Hilarities. Yeah. And you know, we sold like 40 tickets, so they fill it in, you know, they paper the room a little bit. Sure. Which is very. It's actually nice when you don't have the tickets. You're like, yeah, throw people in there. Why not? Love a paper. So she does a bit about. Paper money. She's like, maybe Jesus was just kind of dumb, like very sweet, dumb guy. You know, there's like these people that are really sweet and kind, but they're just kind of idiots. And then, I don't know, she was just riffing. And then like eight minutes later, she's on to a different bit, and some woman goes up, Jesus is not. They had to like escort her out. How funny is that? Imagine being a person, whatever your beliefs are, believe your beliefs, but going, believing so much in Jesus that you go to a comedy show and somebody just out of a notebook is like, maybe Jesus is dumb. Wouldn't that be funny if he was dumb? Yeah. And then it doesn't happen immediately. You're just sitting there. Right. Boiling. Weird. And you get up and go, fuck, Jesus ain't dumb. And leave. Yeah, I could see if you were at church. And the priest is like, maybe Jesus was dumb. They're like, whoa, whoa, we're at church. Yeah, yeah. We're supposed to be blowing Jesus. You're the Jesus guy. Yes, but at the comedy club, we make fun of Jesus. I can't imagine caring about anything. I know. Like if somebody came up and said, hey, the Red Sox suck. I hate the Bruins. I would never be like, or whatever. I don't know. Oh, yeah. There's only a few things I believe in, but I just cannot imagine. I know. Well, I've always thought that, because religious people go, hey. Yeah. Hey, don't talk about my guy like that, you bitch. But you believe in gravity. Sure. If somebody was like, gravity's not real. The earth is flat. And you go, huh. And you walk away. Yeah. You don't go, wait a minute. Yeah. I'd just be like, oh, that guy's stupid. Yeah. That's what she could have done. Jesus, dumb. What are you, retarded? And then just go, let's see her the next bit. Exactly. You go, yeah, I saw some comics. She sucked. She thought Jesus was dumb. Yeah. You write the review, and you move on. Which is a funny. Like, premise. Because a lot of times you meet, because it's kind of the idea, the joke was kind of like, a lot of the people you meet that are like the nicest, sweetest people, they're just a little dumb. Right. Like a, bless your heart. Yeah, yeah. Some dumb lady. They're just kind of dumb-dumbs. So that was the premise. And then the idea of this guy being the savior for a billion people or whatever. Yeah. And if you could go back and see him, he's just a little bit like, huh? Right. What's that now? Right, yeah. You know? Because a lot of these people that are like, you want to borrow my truck? Yeah. You get to talking to them, they're like, I don't know. Right. Yeah, true. They just like to be nice. So anyways, it's a funny premise. I think it's going to be a big bit. He got ratted out by one of his boys. That's not too smart. Right. Judas. Judas. Yeah, Judas Priest. Yeah, the devil. Wasn't that a thing? A guy killed himself for listening to Judas Priest, and everybody got mad at the band? Or was that beefs and butthead? I think so, yeah. Judas Priest, I think, had a thing like that. There's been a few things like that. People get upset. Yeah. Cop killer, Judas Priest, the devil. I think he's gay, too. The lead of Judas. Oh, big time. Yeah. Halford. Halford. I think is his name. Ian Halford. No Gelford. Something like that. I think he nailed it. I think that might be it. Everyone's named Ian over there. It's all Ian and Ronnie's in Britain. And so there's some, what's that? Nile. Yeah. Like the river. And Guile. Guile. Guile. Guile. Giles. I think it's Giles. It's Giles. Jackie Giles. You know what I just found out? Yesterday, I'm watching the Japan game, or whatever, three weeks ago. I don't want to give too many time stamps here. I tried to do your thing. I don't speak fake Chinese. So I was watching the Japan game, and they said, there's three guys named Suzuki on there. I want to get your thoughts on this. Well, they said Suzuki's the second most popular name in Japan. Wow. And I was fascinated because, to me- What's first, Yamaha? Well, I thought Yamahama is up there. It's Fright Night. Is that right? I think it's Yamahomo. Or Yamahama. Oh, wow. You're going to hell for it, the Yamahomo. So I was like, first, I tried to think of it myself. And I'd like to hear your guesses on what number one is over Suzuki, because there's a hockey player named Suzuki. There's a vehicle named Suzuki. There's Ichiro Suzuki. There's three players on the Japanese team named Suzuki. Wow. So I'm like, what's a more popular name? I couldn't think of it. Can you? And if you come up with it, I'll blow you, because it was a name that I was like, really? In Japan. Yeah, most popular surname in Japan. It's not Nguyen. No, good guess. But that wasn't in the top 10, surprisingly. But I know more of them. Well, Korea's all Kim. Wait, Nguyen is Chinese, I think. Oh, fuck. Yeah, because Japanese is all vowels. It's like Italian. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Yamaha, Maguchi, Yamaguchi. Christy Yamaguchi. Yeah, Yamakuchi. Yamahomo's a great gay Asian. Yeah. Yamahomo. Yamahomo. Also a good thing, Yamahama. Yamahomo. Why suck your dick? That's why they bow. Oh, bow gang. Bang a dong. Okay. So what do you got from most popular? Over Suzuki. Over Suzuki. Well, I'm trying to think of any Japan person I know. This is what was so fascinating. Benny Hana. Hana. Hana. No, honey, I shrunk the kids. Hana, Hana, I shrunk the kids. Hana, Hana. Hana ain't going to work here anymore. Shit, I don't know. I don't know Japan names. Sato. Oh, I would have never got that. And then it said there's between 1.2 and 2 million Satos. I don't know a Sato. I don't know a Sato either. Where are all these Satos sottin' around? There's no Satos on the team. There's Sato Night Nights Alright for Fighting, but I don't. Have you heard Sato? I can't name a famous Sato. No, Sato. Yeah, what are you doing, Satos? Is that like Smith? I think it is. Yeah, I think it's more popular. I don't know. It's like top number one. Sato. Number one. Number one. I also looked up top ten last names in Mexico. Doesn't it feel like there's like eight Spanish last names or Mexican? It's like Gutierrez. Rodriguez. Gonzalez. Rodriguez. Sanchez. Santos. Santo Maria. Yeah, what's the. Gonzalez, we said that. Gonzalez. Yeah, there's only. It feels like there's literally like 12 last names down there. That's true. Maybe there's a lot of incest. Garcia. Oh, yeah, that's a good one. Muñez. Muñez. Muñez, yes, yes. Estevez. Estevez. Well, that's not that popular. That's true. There's the three guys, but two of them aren't Estevez's. Two of them changed it, yeah. Shit. What do you got? I mean, I looked up all the people they. Sato. I looked up Sato, like famous people. There are famous people, but they're all Japan. Like one of them is. Sato is an actor. One of them is a race car driver. Yeah, that's what I mean. They haven't carried over. Then there's Kai Nishikori. He was a tennis player, but that's not Sato. Interesting. Well, Japan is weird because it's a little clit of an island. Yeah, well, it's long. It's got a little. It's like Florida. It's like two Floridas, I feel like. That's not much. No. These other countries are tiny. Like, what? Ireland is tiny. Tiny. Well, it's interesting. There's been these empires from 12 countries. Yes. Britain's this big. This big. Japan's this big. Right. In the Philippines, it looks like. It looks like a Pollock shit. Yeah, it's a big cum shot. It's a big cum shot. It's a scatter ball. Mm-hmm. I'd like to go down there. I don't know if they'd welcome me with all the Russians. They'd love to have you. I think so. You could go there right now with that shirt. That's true. I got this free shirt. I feel like I have to wear it. Yeah, why not? But anyways. I'm going to sell it to you. I don't know any Satos, but maybe there's something. Sato, the last. You know, like here, Armstrong is like guys that were strong back in the 40s or whatever. Or Sato, maybe they were people that nestled. They stayed home. Yes. The Suzuki's are out. They're out traveling. Living life. Riding fences. But it's weird to think that we have all these. Taylor, Cobbler, is that a name? Like, what's the last name? The Smith, Blacksmith. Smith, yeah. But thank God we don't still do that. Right. Because we'd be like, Bob, data entry. Yeah. You know, the names just suck. Marty Comedy. Marty Comedy. Well, that's a cool name, actually. That is pretty nice. Nice, yeah. Marty Comedy's a killer. You better be funny, though. Chuck's kid would be, you know, Larry, not that much. That's what he does for a living. It was a singer. Oh, not that much. Not that much. Oh, I see, I see. I'm saying you don't do that much. I thought it was a weight joke, and I was like, you're way off. He's much. Chuck is furious. Not that much. Larry, not that much. Ooh. I'm saying that's what you do for a living, is comedian, comedy. I'm saying Chuck, not that much. I see. But you went with Larry. So I was like, who the fuck? I went with his kid, because I went Marty comedy, Larry not that much. So it was a double joke. Double joke. He's going to name his kid Larry, and he doesn't do that much. I literally can't make eye contact with Chuck. I feel like I really hurt him. No, not that much is fine. No, no. He looks bummed out. After the show, he's going to be like, I edit, I post, I'm gay. Comic Steve Jeff. Do we hear back from anybody? No. All right. Anything? What does Sato mean? Sato. Because it's probably an occupation from back in the day. I don't know if they did that. I think we're retarded here, and they're like, Armstrong, Armstrong. But Sato probably means the legend of Billie Jean King or whatever. Not my lover. It does mean something. Sato. It's like a word. So it means help, wisteria. It's a wisteria flower. So the sa means to help. Sato means to help, and to refers to a wisteria flower. Okay. I don't know what that is. In Japanese writing, woman is like a plus sign. They got all those crazy writings. And noisy is three of those women. Oh, really? Isn't that fun? That is fun. So you got the women, and then three of women is noisy. Yeah. Well, anyways. Any farts. Japan, last name is very fascinating stuff. Now, did you hear, speaking of the kickball there, did you hear that Uruguay, you are, Aguay, they got kicked out, they lost, and the president was so mad he made them fly home commercial. Oh, that's fun. He said, no private jet, no PGA, you didn't earn it. Oh, that's fun. So they all had to fly coach. That's kind of cool. Made the rule made by the coach. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, fun. Yeah. And then he goes, you know, in Colombia, they killed a guy. Right, that's right. You heard about that? Oh, yeah. He kicked the goal in the wrong goal? Yeah, own goal. Own goal. But I think he was also mixed up in some stuff, too. Oh. I believe. I saw the doc, and I can't remember anything. Doesn't it suck when you don't retain stuff? Ah, I hate to retain. People are like, hey, what do you know about this? And you're like, I read a 900-page book about it, but I got nothing. And so you don't even have the credit for reading the book. I know. Well, I got to tell you, maybe I'm getting older, I'm getting gayer, but I'm getting really into history. Uh-huh. What's up with that? I don't know. What is it? Something about men, when they hit a certain age, they start sneezing loudly and get into history. Well, I think you want questions to answers to questions, you know? Well, you know what it was? What hit me was you go, Netflix has Jefferson, FDR, Teddy, Lincoln, Washington, they put all these mini-docs out about these guys. And you start to go, wow, Washington, what he did was crazy. He fought the biggest Navy in the world with a bunch of ragtag farmers. He was just. He was just a guy. He was a guy. He was just a random schmo on the fucking sidewalk. And he was like 26. I know. He's like a god. The guy's like, ah, yeah. Yes. I was jerking off three times into a cup and drinking it when I was 26. Exactly. I filmed it. But yeah, he's the guy on the dollar bill. You shove it into a stripper's panties. But you're also like, holy shit, this guy's got balls of steel. The fact that he went up, these 400 Navy ships pull up to New York City. He goes, we got this. Uh-huh. There's a bunch of. There's a bunch of retards behind me who farm tobacco, who wear dirty clothes with a bad musket. And we're going to win. And how about this? They wanted to be king. They're like, King George. He was like, no, no, no. We don't want a king. He didn't want to be president. Let's be gay about this. Yes, yes. So pretty good. Pretty good. I mean, the fact that they won that is insane. I can't stop watching history. There you go. So yeah. My shoe flew off. It's like I got hit by a car. Shoe fly don't bother me. But yeah, really fun stuff. I can't get enough of this. Now I'm going to watch the Jefferson. He's a little shady, that guy. Yeah. I didn't care for him as much, although he wrote the deck. Is that right? He wrote the whole thing. All by himself? Yeah. Well, they edited it. He had a whole thing about black people. They went, let's take that right out of there. All right. It's like a Tonight Show set. No black jokes. By the way, Ryan Hamilton, our buddy, new Netflix special. He did the Tonight Show. And then every comment was like, how the hell could you? He led a rapist on the show because they had Conor McGregor on. I had no idea. I missed all of this. So this poor guy does a Tonight Show. And then everyone's just writing like, you fucking rape apologist piece of shit. Doesn't that suck that this is how the life we're living in now? And the guy was on the show a week earlier. It wasn't even the same episode. What? Yeah, because they all get together. They're like, all right, just everybody flock to the Fallon comment section. I see. And then it becomes this. It's like Fallon, he had Conor McGregor on. He was. Must be a rapist. I know. He's a jump frog. I'm Jimmy. Yeah. No rape. I'm Jimmy here. It's true. But fucking Hamilton, man, that sucks. But this is how sad the internet world is. I'm like, that's engagement. Isn't that horrible? That's where I go to? Yeah, I guess so. So maybe some people will watch and be like, I like him. Like, yeah, if Kramer was around now, you'd go, you get that clip? I mean, that's going to go viral. Sure, it'll be bad, but you're going to get all kinds of crazy fans. Yeah. Well, I think Hamilton, he didn't know about the controversy. Sure. I didn't either. I didn't either until last night. So he goes on and goes, hey, let's see how I'm doing. Yeah. And it's just like, you piece of shit. You're vile. You're horrible. You should die. That's hilarious. And he's like, the hell is this? Yeah. And this is like the cleanest cut, sweetest boy in the world. Least rapist of all time. Yeah. Well, he's got to be tied. With other people? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's got to be millions of people tied. I feel like he's- You and me are in there. Chuck's probably just a notch higher than us. He's a little less rapey than most people, I'd say. I guess so. Might be. Have you seen him with a woman? Ryan? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Didn't know if he was a Yamahomo. I don't think so. Okay, okay. I think we would know. Well, he's very well-dressed. That's true. But there's a lot of well-dressed heteros, for sure. Is that right? Have to go to London. Everyone in England. Sarah and I always talk. Chuck, it's hard. You must be hard for women to realize they're dating a complete dipshit, because everyone dresses so nice over there. Right. Oh, interesting. You meet a British guy. He's got a vest on, a two-piece suit, and he's all put together. And you're like, wow. In America, you see a guy like that. You're like, this guy has a job. His life is together. He's a good man. He's solid. Over there, you can see it. Because here, you meet Chuck. He's got a Blink-182 shirt, and you're like, well, I don't want to deal with this guy. No, no. He doesn't do much. Larry, not much. Chuck, you look really upset with me. I'm trying to be Silly Goose over here. You do a lot. I'm joking, I meant. I'm a silly guy. Larry Silly. I like to be silly. Yeah, Joe Silly. That's your son. We talk about this a lot. I hate these comics that have no silly. Give me silly. I want a lot of silly. Love Silly String. I was just talking to Rick Glassman about this last night. He goes, all these comics now are making points. Bring back the silly. That's why we got a Rory Scovel. Sean Patton or somebody who keep the silly a lot. Brian Regan. I hate a point. No point. You like a point. Give me a rounded, fucking soft, squishy. You've quoted points to me where you're like, that's big. It's stand up? Yeah. Well, here's the thing. We think of a point as like this big political statement or something about race or whatever. But Aaron Chen going, isn't that weird that I got to put in 78 passwords? Oh, yeah. That's a good point. That's a good point. My bank code is four numbers. Yes. That's a good point. That's a point. I like a point. It's just not a grandiose, pretentious, cum guzzler point. Right, right, right. I guess I like a point. I take it back. Points is good. Because most of comedy is points. It's going, this is stupid. That's my point. I guess so. I'm making a point. And it doesn't have to be this, I'm on a soapbox bullshit. Now, what's pointed? It's a bit pointed. I think that's targeted. Your Larry Not Much was pointed. Larry Not Much. Oh, pointed. Give me a pointed. Give me a definition. Exactly. Give me an exact definition of pointed. It's also weird that it's fingered, and then it's fingered. Uh-huh. You know, like the cop's like, he fingered the third man. Right. And you're like, jeez, what kind of night did they have? You don't really hear fingered as much. Yeah, he pointed someone out. Yeah. Or you make a lady cum. Right. I would also say the name Dick has dropped quite a bit. Oh, yeah. Dick used to be Dick Nixon, Tricky Dick. I mean, everything was Dick. Dick, Dick, Dick. Right. Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick. How many dicks is that? A lot. Reservoir Dogs. Pointed. Uh-huh. It says expressing criticism in a direct and unambiguous way. Ah. There you go. Pointed. That makes sense. Unambiguous. Boom. Fingered. Hi, folks. Everything should feel easy in the summertime. That's what I always say. Oh, yeah. Summertime and the living's easy, baby. 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It's all I wear. Sheath never stinks. I'll put on the same pair three days in a row. I wear them to yoga. I don't care. They got great scent going on. Yes, the microbiome. They got some fabric that really holds in the stench. It's a great fabric. It's stretchy so when you get fat, it still fits. You feel like an MMA fighter with these things on. Yes, yes. I wear them all the time. Around the house, I kick Sarah in the nuts. Oh, yeah. McGregor. Sheath underwear is the best underwear you'll ever wear. It really is. It's got two pouches, one for your balls, one for your dick. He invented it in the middle of the war. He fought in the war and thought, hey, my dick is stuck to my asshole. Let me get a pouch. It's awesome. We wear it every day. Great designs. There's sports bras and little booty shorts for your wife, your girl, whatever it is. Sheath carries all sizes from extra small for Chuck's dick and triple XL for Rupert's dick. Bye. Yeah. They even have sports bras and women's underwear. I mentioned that already. All you got to do is go get it. Let's go. Let's go do it. Let's effing go, as the kids say. Feel it to believe it. Yes. Go to sheath.com slash Tuesdays. Use promo code Tuesdays for 20% off. Sheath even offers a first pair guarantee. So it's not for you. If it's not for you, you get your money back. But once you try Sheath, there's no going back, baby. It's all I wear. That's S-H-E-A-T-H.com slash Tuesdays. Use code Tuesdays for 20% off. Sheath underwear. The underwear of legends. Thanks to Sheath for sponsoring the show. Yeehaw! Now, can I throw a fun tail at you? Throw? I'd love to get some tail. I've been trying hard, but my wife won't let me. We're married. Either with my looks. So, do a fun weekend at Royal Oak, Michigan. You were in Royal Oak? Comedy Castle. I had no idea. Oh, I love that place. I like sliding the door. Yes, yes. It feels dramatic. I feel like you're going on to the Carson show or something. It's very exciting. I probably say this every single time, but Mark Ridley, who owns the club, Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle, is credited with inventing the three-man show. I hear he came to the show, and he mentioned that. He came to the show? He came to the show. I've never seen him in my life. He's a sweet, sweet man. He put on a nice button-down, came backstage, shook hands. You know two of his kids have Emmys? Is that right? He's got a talented couple of queefs. Talented Mr. Ridley. Hey! Hey! Count it! That's how you get to the top, folks. There you go. I'm a bottom. So, yeah. Had a great weekend. By the way, I had Mike Cronin opening Meat. Meat! I love Meat. Love Meat. I've known Meat for almost 20 years now. Wow! Isn't that crazy? Bone, steak, thick worm. He just asked me if he could open for me in Tampa, and I said no. Don't answer that one. But good guy. I responded. Really funny. I don't want to give his act away, but he had that. Have you heard his joke about having two boys and shooting a load? I don't think so. Maybe, but I tuned it out. It is full of points. Bone, steak, three. Yes, that's him. Check him out. Very funny guy. I don't want to give away his material, but it's fun sliding that door. Every show I make the joke, like, this feels like how they feed Lizzo. Ah, you just throw food in, you slam the door. We're having a good time. Take that, you fat slut. Yeah, she's losing weight, but still a big cow. So, these pants, they ride! I can't. I got the same pants, by the way. Look at this. I got red, you got green. I love Fab, but Jesus H, this is a real camel toe hugger. A C-T-H. So, we're doing the shows. Great weekend, but I gotta run this by you. You've been doing comedy 68 years. It's a long time now, yeah. So, I'm running this new hour. We're getting there. We're building. It's kooky. It's wacky. It's up. It's down. I always say new material is like eating out a girl. If I hear a noise, I'll just keep going that way. That's not bad. But I have this thing now, and it's three weekends in a row, maybe four. I do five shows. All four are great. First show, second show, third show, fourth show, great. Fifth show, I bomb. Every time, in a row. Why the fifth? Why the Saturday late? I have some theories, but I'd like to run it by you. Well, first of all, I think people, the people that are like, here he comes, we gotta get the tickets, they're buying up the early show. So, the later shows, possibly later purchases are, so maybe they're not as big of fans. That's a theory. The early shows, that's the first show. We've got to see Mark. We never miss Mark. Saturday 8, gone. Gone. And then the people, then the next round of people buy up half the seats, and then the second half, it's like, oh yeah, Norman. I saw him on Howie Mandel's pod. He had a couple lines. Let's go check him out. Okay. So maybe they're going in, going, alright, let's see. Yeah. That could be. That could be. That's a theory. My only argument, to that, because I thought that myself, but then I realized, we put a 4 o'clock on Saturday. We added a show. So that would sell out at the, that was added, because the other ones were full. So you can't say that was the last show to be full, because this was the last show to be full at 4. Interesting. Now, how about this? Maybe the 4, those people, thought they were shut out. So the gratitude gives them a little extra zing. They go, fuck, we missed Mark. We love Mark. I didn't get a chance. I didn't sign up for his punchup.live.com email. Patreon. That's the best way to know. Here, here. And then they go, well, we missed him. That sucks. Then they go into the black market, or the African-American market, whatever it's called, StubHub, and they go, $800? Suck my dick. And then, whoop, hi there. We've added a show. We got on! Can you believe it? We're going! We're back! And so now they're so jacked up and cracked up and crazy that they're hot. Yes! I like it. These are theories. I don't know. I'm not saying this is right or wrong. Well, I told a friend this, and he goes, no, no, it's you. You've done all these shows all weekend, so you're wiped. So by the last one, you're given the worst performance. It's like that departed line. It's not supernatural. You're just tired. You don't give a shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, see, I feel that's also an excellent theory, by the way. But I feel I feel like the last show is sometimes the best, because I'm so loose and wacky. Yes, that's what I said! You're getting the best version of me. That's what I said. The less you care, the better the show, in my opinion, for me personally. I agree. I agree. It's like hitting on a girl. If you're all jacked up, I'm in love with this whore. Oh, my God, here we go. You're gonna blow it. You're in your head. That's why I'm so good at getting laid now. I'm fucking every weekend now. Hey, wow. Yeah. Worst case scenario, I just go back to my wife. Good point. Easy. Hey, write that down. That's pretty good. That's something. All right. All right, so. And now here's the clinker. We've done. I've done three of these in a row where the last show was bad. So now I'm going, I'm bringing the goddamn heat. I'm turning up the knob. I'm going to 11-year-olds. Here we go. And it still sucks. So my theory is, what I can. The only thing I can conclude is these are just real people, like regular people, and my act sucks. And the other people are just being nice. Yeah, that's not bad. I was hoping you'd poo-poo that. I don't hate that. Damn it. Chucks, you're shaking your head. You don't believe that. No, I think it has more to do with. to do with the fact that the people that bought tickets late are just like, let's do a thing. It's Saturday. Let's go do a thing, just like watching a movie. But I should be able to make them laugh. But also, maybe they've been whacking back cocktails all day. Yeah, whacking back. My crowd drinks. Well, and you know. I was whacking back at the hotel. I don't want to be too controversial, but you may have brought in a certain amount because of all the Rogans. You may have brought in a small group of people that are total fucking retards, also. I feel like I'm seeing more and more comments that are like, it's so crazy. I hate comedy, but I love podcasts. I see a lot of that. Maybe you're an appearance to them. If Snooki was there, they'd be like, I want to go see Snooki, even though they're not really. So maybe they're just like, Norman from the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Interesting. And when the bigger you are, the higher percentage. of every group there is. So, you're extremely popular, so you're going to get more black people, more Asian people, more gay people, more women, more fucking idiots that don't understand comedy. You know what I mean? You have a higher percentage of people that are like, what? Got it. Huh? Okay. It's like if you do a stadium full of people, there's going to be 9,000 people that are like, what's he mean by that? I get a lot. I can see the woof right over the top. Well, that's the thing. It's like papering a room. Now the room is packed, but one of the people is going to be like, Jesus isn't dumb. Huh? So, that's part of it. With success comes fucking Nimrods. Yes, yes. Which is why the. Don't chop my head off here, or my dick, but the biggest comics are the most broad. You got your Sebastians, your Fluffies, your Kevin Harts. There's a lot of big movements, a lot of loud voices, a lot of. It's very surface level. They're not really digging deep. Right. That sounds bad. I know what you mean, though. These are all great comics. Don't get me wrong. They're just not maybe as cerebral. Right. You know what might be part of it, too? Think about this. This is a good comparison. Comment section. When you're coming up and people love you, it's all positive. They're for you. The bigger you get, the more negativity you get because you're exposed to the general public. It's very similar. Right, right. Okay, okay. Maybe we got something here. So that's a big part of it. That doesn't quite explain why they're all at one show, though. But also Saturday, they've been drinking all day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. I had to run that by, but. And just, sorry, numbers-wise, Michael Jordan scored 18 points one night. Sure, sure. But it's always that last show, which is why I never understood. I did a weekend in Philly. I did seven shows. Six were unbelievable. Seven was like, wow. It was like silence. Wow. And I got a comment. I posted an Instagram clip the next day just as a goof, and one guy goes, bummer, man. I saw you in Philly. You ate it. I was like, well, thanks. Jesus is dumb. But yeah, I was like, all right. Jeez. Thanks for coming. Well, that's the thing that sucks about comedy is you're only as good as whatever show they were at. I know. I know. Exactly. And you can't go, you guys sucked. You know, he's going to go, what do you mean I sucked? I went to see a show. How did I suck? I was in the crowd. I sat there and I bought a ticket. That's my job. Well, I've told this story before many times, and you probably remember the weekend. There was a weekend probably 16 years ago that Doug Stanhope did Caroline's, which is so funny to think about. He was at Caroline's comedy club. He did the whole weekend, and I went to the Sunday. There was a few comedians that went to the Sunday show, and Attell was there hanging out. And Stanhope was soberish and brought the heat, and he was amazing, and it was one of the best hours I've ever seen. Whoa. And so then I was going down to the water cooler being like, I just saw Stanhope's new hour. This guy is on top of the world. And everyone would go, what are you, nuts? He was drunk. He was high. He was rambling. He was murmuring, mumbling. What? And there was like 20 people with that. They all went Friday and Saturday. Oh. And that's the thing about Stanhope that's interesting is you're going to get whatever mood he's in, that's the mood you're getting. Right. At least back then. Sure, sure. Now it might be different. Back then, he'd be like, well, I decided to eat mushrooms this morning, so you're getting the mushroom show. Yes. And my theory was that Dave was there, and he was like, all right, I can't act like an asshole if Dave's going to be here. Yeah, yeah. Well, he's the first comic I ever paid to see, and I love Doug. I'm a huge fan. I know his whole catalog. But Sean Patton opened, which was like, oh my God, our buddy's opening for this legend. And he was drunk as a skunk in New Orleans, six cigarettes in one hand, four beer bottles. He had a hockey jersey on. He had one shoe missing. It was bad. He could barely walk. He could barely talk. But I do remember being a young guy being like, what a job. I want to do this job. Right, right. Because he's trash and getting paid. Well, what was interesting about it was talking to other comics about the shows, you could tell it was more than just my preference, my opinions versus their opinions. Because they were describing something. They were like, it was horrible. Right, right. And I was like, what? And then you slowly realize, you're like, oh, it sounds like he was doing a totally different performance that night. Because I watched it, and I was like, that's the best show I've ever seen in my life. It's not like a movie where you go see Obsession, every episode is the same, or whatever. Right, right. Every theater. Screening. Screening. But funny you say that. Just you saying 16 years ago a guy was in town and we all had to go see him, that is so foreign now. How different is it in the comedy community now? How many comics would go do Gotham or some headliner club and all the other young comics would go see him? But do we have a headlining club now? Gotham doesn't do it anymore. Caroline's is gone. Probably not, but even if we did, I still don't think they'd go. I don't know. I could name eight young comics who would not go. I think if Chad Daniels came and headlined a weekend at Gotham, there'd be many comics there. I think you would go, hey, he's a friend. I might pop in and go, hey, I want to say hi to Chad. But I don't think a young comic would go, we gotta go watch this guy. He's very good. He's older than us. He's been around. He's experienced. We could learn a thing or two. Here's why I disagree. I hope I'm wrong. I was just in Calgary and there was 14 comics in the back corner. Now granted. This is Calgary. So you think just New York specifically young comics don't have reverence? Yeah, a little bit, yeah. That's interesting. I don't know. I hope I'm wrong. I think everywhere we go people are trying to get a glimpse at you going, oh my god, I'm a huge fan. And then they go I know because half the people I meet who are like, I'm a huge fan. I want to get in front of them. And then they go, I've been doing open mics for two years. And I go, oh Jesus Christ, this guy's not going to buy a ticket. Don't you think? I know what I'm saying. I don't think in New York. What do you think it is? I'm picturing 15 guys 20 people. Maybe I'm putting people. I'm older, so I'm putting people who are actually already kind of established and calling them open micers. Maybe that's my problem. Now I did Town Hall last year. Daniel Simonson and Louis C.K. sat in the crowd to watch the show. Oh, that's crazy. It was pretty amazing. They were like seventh row. I could see them. It's flattering, but yeah, that's that's crazy. That Louis C.K. came to your show. That's cool. That's not proving my point because he's 155 years old. And a friend. I don't know. I think young comics are trying to go see people just as much. Now what would be the reasoning that young comics would no longer go see? Because they're up their own ass. They're doing their own clips. They're not worried about your career and what they can learn from you. They're worried about how many views am I getting? How is my career doing? How many clicks am I getting? Interesting. I don't know. I hope I'm wrong. Maybe I'm jaded. And then I was at the cellar last night and Bobby Kelly and I were smoking cigars out front and like nine different guys came. They're like, oh, hey, how's it going? But they kind of did like a kiss the ring. Yeah. Good. Good. I thought they were all fans and everyone's like, there's a new comics. That's a comic. This is my other observation. Every dude that's new at the cellar is hot. That's weird. It's just handsome men. I'm like, they're like, oh, that's Pete Scooby-Doo-Boo. That's Donnie Duppity-Boo. Sadookie. Yeah. Oh, boy. Well, I'll have to get back over there while these hot guys are hanging out. A lot of handsome boys over there. Weird. Well, Sean Murphy has the theory that comedy is hot now because of the internet. You get the Matt Rife syndrome where you go, who's this guy? I'll scroll away. Look at the jawline on this cum guzzler. Holy shit. Maybe I'll watch his video and now you're a fan. That's why I get the same thing all the time. My jawline brings him in. People say that about you and your chin and the teeth. But yeah, he thinks comedy used to be ugly. It was Louis Anderson. It was John Panette. It was Stephen Wright. It was fat bald men. True. And now it's Matt Rife, Jeff Dye, Sam Murill, the other guy. But you also had John Stewart, Alan Havey. Both very handsome men. I guess. I mean, Jerry was ugly as hell. Oh, Hungarian hebe. Who else was handsome back then? It was Dennis Wolfberg. Jakov Smirnoff. Smirnoff. Hideous. Dennis Leary's got something. He had a little attitude. Hicks was ugly. Yeah. I'm telling you. Things have changed. Eddie Murphy was hot as hell. He was a phenom. Yeah. Well, comedy, as I always say, the most diverse profession in the world. I truly believe that. Thousand percent. There's no plumbers that went to Harvard Law. Right. Comedy, you have literally, homeless heroin addicts and lost A degree Ivy League people. You have people from rich backgrounds, poor backgrounds, black, white, African, Asian. Oh, yeah. Indian. The Indian comedy world is booming over there. I don't even know what job would even come close in diversity. We have women, trans, gay. I was going to say UFC fighter, but I don't think there's a lot of PhD. No, no. But diversity. They got Uzbekistan versus Nigeria versus the Russia versus Brazil. Yeah, yeah. That's something, the nation-wise. But I think the upbringing, something went a little haywire somewhere. Yeah, dad was fingering, diddling or something, or beating. But yeah, you're right. I mean, especially the background. Right. The background world in comedy is unbeaten. Unbelievable. I mean, so many people that literally don't know how to read. And then, you know, you have Greg Giraldo and whoever the fuck. Demetri Martin was, I think, valedictorian and all that shit. Went, got out of law school to be a comedian. Right. At Harvard. So there you go. All right. So speaking of older comics, had a fun moment. I think you specifically will queef on. I can't wait. I love queefing. So drinking Michigan, you got drinking Royal Oak, cute little town. There's a main street, you know. Love Royal Oak. Great. Great. Great town. I get out of there. You go to bed. You go, OK, I got a flight at 10 a.m. Here we go. Delta. Boopity boop. Every single thing went wrong on the way to the airport. Everything. So did the Uber. What do you call that? Well, you schedule it. Schedule. Uber. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Schedule Uber. Yeah. Schedule. Didn't show up. You're like, all right, well, that's a little annoying because you just you go, oh, that's done. I don't have to worry about that. You brush your teeth. You're hungover. You're taking a shit. It's sloppy. It's bloody. So then you're like, all right, well, now I got to now I got to worry about Uber. And it's a good what? Royal Oaks outside of Detroit. So you got to get to Detroit. Yeah. Yeah. It's a it's a ride. I would say a half hour. I'm guessing from memory. Yeah. So you know better than me. We'll say 38. OK. 38. Call an hour. Sure. Fuck it. So I go, all right. Well, I lost some time. So I go, oh, let me shuffle. Get an Uber. It's Royal Oaks. And they go, Uber will be here in 12 minutes. You're like, ah, fuck. All right. Get to the Uber. Big wreck on the highway. So then I had the wild lady who goes, huh. Maybe I'll get off here and we'll do some back road shit. And you're like, yeah, OK. But she was a lady of color. So I didn't want to press. I didn't want to be like, no, no, let's just ride this out. Right. By the way, wreck on the highway, back streets, both Springsteen sucks. Is that right? Fun fact. She could have taken Thunder Road. Oh, hey. Well, we. Took E Street. OK. That's all I knew. So I'm trying to think of more. What is it? A flight to nowhere? Flight to nowhere. No. What is that? What was the name of the movie? Oh, what was the name of that movie? Road to Nowhere? Something. The movie went nowhere. I didn't see the movie. OK. It sucked. But OK. So we get off the highway. That was a mistake. So now we get back on the highway. Then we finally start moving. And we hear. And she's like, what the fuck? Oh, no. Big old tree branch stuck under the car. Oh, wow. So now we have to get off the highway. Like, flashers on. Pull over. She's going nuts. Beep, beep, beep. Looks like a Carnival Cruise video. She's fighting the shit out of this tree branch. I'm out there helping her. Did she try that thing? Yeah. We're going to shake it loose on the. We tried. Michael J. We went loose, up, down, left, right. That thing was not budging. Wow. That tree branch was in there. Like a pinky. And the pooper. So we pull over. And I'm like, I got a foot on the bumper. Like, gah, gah, gah. Finally, I get that fucking thing out of there. We really bonded, me and this lady. We get back in the car. So I'm like, gah. And she's doing the, what time's your flight? And I was like, 10 AM. She goes, ooh, shit. Which you never want to hear. No, no. So finally, we get to the goddamn airport. It's crazy busy, which you hate to see. Crazy busy. So I go, well, I got to go. I got clear. They always do that. The driver goes, you got clear? I'm like, yeah, I got clear. But it's still going to be tight. Well, Detroit's a hub. Big Delta hub. Big hub. Hate a hub. I've got a hub chub. So I go, all right, here we go. We go to clear. Blah, blah, blah. I got the lady in front of me with 17 kids, 48 strollers, 6 bags, and 19 bottles. So she's got to break it all down. We're breaking it. I'm helping her break it down. Because we've got to get moving. We're already boarding. We're boarding. Now, I can't do the thing where you go. I'm boarding. Can I get in front of you? No. I just can't do it. Nor should you. That's on you. You should have got here earlier. Also. Well, the tree branch. People do that. You save 60 seconds, maybe. Is that right? I don't know. Unless you jumped 50 people. Right, right. But I've had people be like, can we just jump ahead of you? And then I'm like, sure. And then they jump ahead of one more person. I'm like, what is that? We're looking at you. 40 seconds, maybe? Look at the back of your head right now. We're in the same boat. Finally, the lady gets all her shit through. OK. I'm starting to get to the end. My bag is in the retina scan. MRI. So I go through the. Oh, randomly selected. Always. And you go, come on. What is this? A Buster Keaton film? You had to do every bad thing. We got a tree branch. We got the lady with the stroller. Now we got a random select. So I go, God, you had all these grand visions of going to the lounge and eating a piece of cheese. A muffin and all this stuff with a cup of coffee and lounging. Nope. Dreams are scattered. And I got to piss like a goddamn bitch on Third Street. So finally, we get through the random select. Now, here's the thing. The guy goes, all right, wait over here. So you go, OK, here we go. They're going to touch my dick. But they go, Bob's coming. I go, who's Bob? They go, Bob's the dick toucher guy. And I go, Bob's not even here? And they go, we got to wait for Bob. He went on break. What's his last name? Up and down in the water? His last name's not much. So Bob has to come back from break. He comes back. He's got a banana here, a muffin here, and a croissant here. He's like, oh, yeah, big fat guy. And he goes, all right, here we go. You know, that whole thing. He fingers me. I finally get through. I run on the plane. But I got to piss so bad that I don't have time to pee first. I have to get right to the flight. I'm zone two. They're on zone eight. Oh, Jesus. It's crazy. There's like an Eskimo. There's an Eskimo with skis over his shoulder and a guy with a chicken coop walking in. I was like, oh, my God. The lady's like, you barely made it. She's like holding the door. I slide in. You get on that, what do you call that, the jetway? Yeah, the jetway. The jetway. Fell off the jetway again. Dumb and dumber. So that's a great shot, too. Him on the cement, that aerial view. It's great. It's great. So get on there. Now that's full. Then you finally get on. I throw my bag up. And I go, OK. I'm in 10A. But the bathroom's at 34.9, 34B. So I go, OK, OK. Let me go back to 34B, take a piss, and then high tilt back up to 10A. I'm walking back at about 23A. I'm waiting. I'm in line, in the aisle. Guess who I see? Take a wild guess. Comedian. I was thinking Sam Raimi because of Royal Oak. Comedian, 23A? Yeah. Yeah, it better not be a successful. It better not be a successful comedian. I'm going to say Phil Hanley. No, no, no. No, he'd be in first class. Let me take one more guess. Keenan Ivory Waynes. Wow, 23A? Boy, he's really struggling. Well, I don't know because it's got to be shocking. Oh, boy. And it's got to be someone that's known, I feel like. I don't think it has to be shocking. I'm not saying it's shocking. Oh, OK. No shock. Final guess, I'm going to say Matt Ruby. Ah. Uh, Todd Berry. Wow. So Todd. He doesn't want anyone to know he's in 23A. I'm outing him. You're going to have to bleep his name. Maybe it was 19C or Q, QAnon. I don't know. Wow. But he was in there. So we're chatting. I go, oh, what'd you do? He goes, I did a rock club in Detroit. I go, oh, I did Ridley's Comedy Castle in Royal Oak. Da, da, da. And we're doing the chat. And then he goes, eh, I'm going to tell everybody you're in the back of the plane. And I got to go, actually, I'm pissing. And I'm like, I'm way up there, bitch. Wow. Nice. And he went, ha. And he went back to his gay book. And now it's good for the goose, it's good for the gator, because you're telling everyone that he was in the back of the plane. Yeah. How do you like that, TB? Ugh. That's funny, because I was in Cleveland, and I think his opener was Sarah's opener, because he just got back from doing a one-nighter with Todd Berry. Oh, fun. How about that? He's doing a Midwest run. Well, look, Todd, I'm a big fan. I have all your albums, too. I look up to you, you know, good energy, medium energy, whatever the hell it's called. But boy, was that a fun thrill. That's fun. Being able to, he zinged, and I didn't have to zing back, I just told the truth. Right. Actually, I'm up there. I'm coming in your neck of the woods just to take a piss on your lawn. Wow. Well, we love you, Todd. You're the man. TB. One of the greats of all time, in my opinion. Thank you, Lucas. Yes, big fan. Funny guy. Hogging. You go there. No, no. I mean, I had one of those. This weekend was just so fun and easy. I don't have a lot, but I got a couple. Couple me. So I was out in Cleveland, flight to Cleveland, which, by the way, I am moving. Final answer. Oh, I've heard this before. Austin's out. Whoa. It's too much crime, too much homeless, too much heat. Yes, here, here. Too much controversy down there. Oh, my God, Austin. What are you, a right-wing fucking filthy fucking animal now? Fuck you. And DeRosa. Austin's out. Out. L.A., earthquakes, gangs, yuck. Hobos, traffic. New York, too expensive. Who needs it? Ah, communism. Cleveland. The Indians. Believeland. Yes, Chief Wahoo. I mean, sure, you can't fly direct to anywhere at all, and the winter's nine months long and brutal. Cleveland rocks. But, you know, there's. They got bars. They got some stuff. Yeah, they got a highway. I got a children's museum I went to that was pretty cool. I'm banned. So I flew. I fly out to Cleveland for the week, and I go Wednesday through Sunday, hang, Sarah's working. It was great. Beautiful weekend. I go to a Starbucks. We go to the. I went to the Guardians game Friday and Sunday. Legal. I spent the whole weekend at the ballpark. Uh-huh. Took Marty there. His first big league ball game on Sunday, which was very exciting. And that's the best kid ballpark. Is that right? Oh, yeah. They got slides and a band. It's like a mosh pit. Hell, yeah. It's fucking unbelievable. They have the hot dog race. It's fucking the coolest thing. So we go out there. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Was it packed? It was pretty packed. Okay. I just wonder. Why? I just wonder. Because you hear about baseballs going under. No. I think baseball's all right. I hope so. I don't want it to go under. No, I think it was. I mean, I don't know about packed, but it was pretty full. Yeah, it was kids' day. It was fucking awesome. Okay, great. It was great. We had a blast. I mean, no one in the family. We sat down and watched about an inning and a half. Marty's doing overhead clapping after every pitch. He's loving it. He's like Bruce Springsteen's drummer. We had hot dogs, ice cream. It was fucking amazing. So then afterwards, Sarah has a show that night. So I'm like, all right, I'll drop you off. On the ride home, he falls asleep. It's hot. It's hot. He's been running around, the whole thing. Love it. He's asleep in the car. I drop her off so she can get ready. So I'm like, I'll cruise around a little bit. Cruise. I'll go to Starbucks. You know me. I love Starbucks. I live for Starbucks. Now, we've probably talked about this before. People that know me know I hate the drive-thru. I don't get the drive-thru. Don't understand it. I did not know that. I like to go inside. I like the dopamines. I like the serotonin. You meet someone. You bump into someone. Maybe you get a premise. The drive-thru always has 15 cars. I go in and out, and I always make note. I'm like, all right, you watch where that car is, that blue sedan. Keep an eye. I'm going to go in, get my drink, come out, watch where it is. And it's up one spot. Love that. I am anti-drive-thru. Really? Even with fast food? Fast food's different. I'm talking Starbucks specifically. But fast food, I still like to go in if I can. Got it. Drive-thru's a little quicker with food. And I like to eat in the car. It's fun. That is a nice time with the fries. So I go, well, I'll just gump in the drive-thru because I could mobile order and run in. But even if I'm two minutes, I don't want to leave the kid with the car running. So I can jump and go. I don't want to turn the car off. So I don't want to leave the kid in the car for a minute and a half, even if it's 30 seconds. I'm just not into it. No, especially with the carbon monoxide, the hose. Open the window. I don't want to wake him up. So I go, well, I'll pop in the drive-thru. I got nowhere to be. Sure. Nothing to do. Sarah's shower. We're having dinner in a little while. I'll pop in the drive-thru. Okay. This is in, I think, Shaker Heights, Ohio or Beachwood. I don't know what the fuck. Uh-huh. Hop in the drive-thru. There's a few cars, four cars. Yada, yada, yada. It's one of these drive-thrus where there's a fence along the side so you can't get out. I want you to take a guess how long between entering the drive-thru, and I sent a text, so I have a time stamp, and leaving with my stuff. Take a guess. 18 minutes. 28 minutes. Oh, my Lord. You ever hear anything like that? That's an episode of a TV program. It's longer. It's a TV program plus a Fallon set. Right. And plus a minute of me in bed with a hot lady. It's like I have no idea what was going on, and there's not even a story. Nobody was like, we're so sorry. The coffee machine exploded. 9-11. Wow. There was nothing. There was nothing. I'm just sitting there. It was 14 minutes before I made it to the window. 14. Is the boy sleeping? He's sound asleep. Thank God. The nice thing was, I literally, I was very pissed because I had just come. It was like an amazing weekend. We had so much fun and did all these activities. We just left the ball game. I had nowhere to be. Sarah had plenty of time to get ready. He was asleep. So it was one of those things where I'm like, this is the only situation where I wouldn't take a life. Because you could lose a joker. You could get fired, divorced. Yes. 28 minutes. Wow. You could miss the flight. So it was, yeah, I think 14, 17 minutes before I got to the window. Then I'm at the window for six full minutes. The whole front of it, everything in front clears out. Everyone's gone. And I'm just sitting there. I'm like, what is going on? Weird. The lady goes, hello? Have I taken your order? Whoa. No. I'm the only one here. I'm just sitting here. Right. I go, no. Then I go, I'll have a hot, small, tall emperor's club. It's tea. And I go, I'll have a chocolate brownie if you have them. She goes, oh, I'm so sorry we're out. And I'm like, no problem. That's better. And she goes, oh, you hear this? What? Oh, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Oh. OK. Yeah, yeah. OK. We have some. Let me just double check. And I'm like, no double check. There's 350 cars behind us. Right. Right. And I go, no, no. Don't worry about it. She's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Two minutes pass. OK. We got a chocolate brownie. And what was the other thing? An Earl Grey? And I was like, no, no. Emperor's clouds. Oh, my god. So I go up there. And all I get is that the lady had tattoos of crucifixes on her face. Jesus is dumb. A little post Malone. And she just goes, there you go. Sorry about the wait. Ah. I was like, I thought I was going to get up there and be like, our boss has AIDS. He spilled AIDS blood into the coffee. We had to re-coffee everything. I burned my labia. I'm suing. 28-minute drive-through. Cuckoo. But there's no urgency. These people, they just go, hey, you're here. We'll take our time. Well, I was talking to our friends out in Ohio. And they said, they were like, you cannot believe how slow and lazy everybody is. It sounds like they ain't up. And our friend is a doctor. And he literally was like, even at the hospital, people are like, all right, x-ray. We'll get the x-ray. So I think it's just pace of life. I don't know what it is. Interesting. Because I think people are zipping around out here. Well, in New York. That's why you move here. It's for the fast coffee. I think so. That's about it. But that was wild. And then just real quick, we went to the big town pool. This is like a very fancy, nice, suburban Cleveland suburb. Which, you know, I think of Cleveland as kind of like the Randy Newman song, factories. Gritty. Yeah. But you go 20 minutes outside. It's spectacular. Beautiful. We go to the best town pool. And you've got to be a resident. So it's kind of exclusive. OK. We had guests. They had water slides with the fucking tube, the spinny tube. This is kid heaven. A high dive. When's the last time you jumped off a high dive diving board? 88. I don't think I ever had before. No, I'm scared. So I was scared. So I went up there. And our friend goes, hey, it's a tradition. First time. You've got to go off the high dive. Whoa. And then you look over there. And you're like, huh. All right. Well, yeah. First time. There we go. Yeah. And I went up there. And it's quite a lot. I don't know how high it is. 20 feet. It's up there. It's high. It's crazy. So I was doing a bit, because they're all watching. All the families are watching. And I was doing a bit where I'm like, I'm nervous as a gag. But you were really nervous. Well, I wasn't. And then I got halfway out to the diving board. And I'm from the 80s. So Greg Louganis pops in. Oh, big AIDS. And you can slip. You slip. You knock your head. Boom. I think they did a movie where AC Slater played Greg Louganis. I believe you're right. It's like a made-for-TV. Mario Lopez. Hey, another Hispanic name. Lopez. Lopez. Good point. San Tropez. So I'm walking out there. And as I'm about six inches away, I'm like, this is really high and slippery. Plus, it dips. You know, I'm fat. Yes, yes. It bends. So now I'm like, my wife is watching me. My son's watching me. Our friends are watching me. What if I slip and fucking bang my tailbone or my face bone? Yeah, or worse, bitch out. Have to go back down the ladder. Well, I can't. I don't have that in me. So I can't do it. I did a big, bouncy somersault. What do you call it? Cannonball. Cannonball. Not a somersault. Not a somersault. Cannonball. And I was trying to be funny. I did like a wave. And I should have held my nose because I'm going 75 miles an hour. And I'm right up the nostrils. And you go deep. I didn't realize that. You feel the pressure. I'm deep. Oh, yeah. It hurts. And it was kind of like, one of those things are like, whew. Yeah. That was a little more frightening than I expected. Of course. Of course. You get these people who jump off the bridge. Yeah. Well, because they always go. Right when I left, I regretted it. That's the classic thing when you commit suicide. People are like, everyone's like, oh, my God. They try to throw up. They try to sew their arm up. Right. That was a great Artie Lang point in his book. He was like, I kept waiting for that to happen. It never came. Ah. Because he had heard about that. He's always heard when you try to commit suicide right away, you're like, I regret it. And he was like, I sat there and I was like, I don't know. I don't regret it. Damn. That's heavy. And here he is still alive. Hey, he's heavy. I haven't seen him in a minute. Wow. Jack Cannonball, too. You're worried about the ball bag hitting that water. Well, I held the ball bag. with one hand and I did the wave with the other hand so my nose was just and you gotta pretend you don't have like a headache and eyes squirting out you're like that was cool and I was like Sarah you gotta go and she was like no you wuss come on Tolomash but they had a lazy river three water slides a whirlpool and then kid a wide slide a silly slide a big slide they had the buckets that fill and dump on your head it is heaven and that's it I'm heading out there hell yeah we're moving Cleveland why not maybe I can be the Joe Rogan of Cleveland oh get a big pod going Cantor's out there sure that's one I'm going in a week I'll see you there Jim Tooze might move back there maybe I don't know he's from Cleveland Brendan Ayer oh yeah he's Cleveland but he lives in Maine ah Bain Street man that high dive I'm nervous for you just thinking about it I'm like could I do it it was slippery and bouncy and high wow you're like Eric Clapton's kid going off that thing yeah and it was very Sandlot vibe it felt very peppercorn or whatever her name is Wendy love that vibe very 50s the exclusive pool I went to a pool when I was a kid in Baton Rouge Louisiana and my aunt goes yeah it's very exclusive they don't allow blacks and I remember being like ah even as a kid I was like this is crazy yeah you're kind of like this is 1991 or something 1991 1990 I was like ah okay I lived in a black neighborhood at the time the idea of no black people was bananas to me right maybe wrong choice of words but you know what I'm saying yeah absolutely have you seen the new Larry David show no but I saw some clips and I'm excited oh okay I haven't seen it but I have a dear friend who I love not Ronon oh thank god and they were like this is one of the worst things I've ever seen so I'm gonna give it a sniff it seems sniff worthy but it's a great premise because there's so many people so many funny moments in history that are jokey well my friend said he's like it's just the Nate Bargatze George Washington sketch as a TV show oh that's tough which came well before well before so you worry that in his old years was like this could be a show ooh yeah ooh but I haven't seen it this is just a friend but it's a friend that he knows stuff well I gotta confess I've never actually seen the George Washington show George Washington oh can you give me a Cliff's Notes well first of all it's great and hilarious it's a kind of premise that I hate that I talk about that I hate in movies but it works as a sketch okay where these movies I've talked about this before the movie Air like the Nike movie where they do jokes like this they're like hey nobody is gonna wanna watch Charles Barkley talk on the television and everyone's like ah ha ha ha get it because they do same with like an Android movie where they're like hey look at this nobody's gonna wanna walk around with a fucking computer in their pocket right ha ha ha get it because we do yes I kind of hate jokes like that okay but this is so well written and well executed but it's just they're sitting around a campfire he's dressed as George Washington and he's saying things that are obviously have happened and they're like but why would we call it that it's like you know we'll have you a ball where you throw the ball and you catch it and you hold it and run with it what would we call it football but use your hands why would we call it football but it's much better than that Mikey Day I think wrote it he's great okay and Nate nails it so it has nothing to do with being a president I thought it was a whole political sketch no I think it's like he's like a leader and he's like this is what the country will be like whatever oh okay all right I'll watch it I'll watch it I mean it kills and it builds and builds and builds and then the setup and then they did it at the Oscars and oh wow they've done a few of them so it really hit I mean it just took right off crazy viral but it's just but it sounds like the show is like and my friend also said he's like Larry is just like screaming he's gone very big ah yeah I hate big so I think he's like yeah I don't love that but again I have not seen it ah now I'm scared to watch there's a huge Larry psycho did they send you the pie yes that was pretty good pretty good pie that's fun we had a hook up they sent us the big pie I got the pie as well I was hoping for like a hoodie I just realized they sent us a I hate the pie a gift probably so it'd say nice things about the show ooh you got a point there great pie love the pie well the pie was awesome the dish is amazing beautiful dish and I have not seen the show I'm just relaying what somebody else said about the show and I'm excited to see it I'm pumped to see it love Larry well Larry's you know we know he's the guy I mean he's the he's the blueprint of the program here here here LD now what else you got you got another thing ah I had a oh shit I had a I had a premise I wanted to run by not a premise but I'll save it maybe we'll do it on the Patreon because it's kind of heavy alright we'll tease it we'll tease it get to that the Patreon is rocking and rolling I might have one other quick little gay thing give me a gay little thing let me see high dive oh this is just a funny quick thing I hope it translates to story it might not translate to story form okay but I'm at the Cleveland Airport yesterday there's a Brugger's bagel which I don't like Brugger's I don't ever I never went in there that and what's that other the reindeer bagel I don't know reindeer you're not reindeer they got them in DC you know what I'm talking about kangaroo bagel I don't know that one either kangaroo coffee caribou oh caribou caribou I know caribou I know it's a four legged cunt I know caribou yeah this is Brugger's bagel I think their bagels suck there's one in Royal Oak actually ah Brugger I'll send you the video of the egg I sent it to my friend we have a group text and I was like 50 bucks whoever can guess what this is and my friend said deep fried chamois and I was like that's damn funny I'll see the video to see it I guess anyway I go there and there's a little it's a long counter you know like a New York style counter with the the spreads and stuff bagels are back there spreads are up here big sign that says pay here hang it that's the only sign I've seen that and there's only two of us in line it's a good looking heavy thick lady who I wouldn't mind having sex with she's in front sure I'm standing there and then the the kooky coos Cleveland lady goes you guys waiting to order and we go yeah just us we're the only two there yeah line starts down there the order line is down there so you're like well why don't you should have a sign that says order here they usually do they usually do so I'm like why would I know to go down there this is where the register is this is where you are so we both walk 15 feet down the end I swear to god this is true we walk all the way down there the lady who just told us the line starts down there goes what can I get you guys I swear to god that's like a comedy bit it's like a sketch oh my god and I go what and so then we all we both walk all the way down to her oh and I go you know we were just standing and you told us to go down there I'm kind of like laughing because it's so crazy and then the other lady you know they work together they're a union or something this lady's spreading and she goes well the line starts over here ahhh but I'm like alright well oh my god that's comedy we're looking at her in the eye she makes us walk way down there and then she yells to us down there see that sums it all up it's not about rules and regulations it's about do what I say Suzuki homo yeah do unto others as Sato would have Suzuki yeah it's I got the power that's what it is I'm in charge here you go over there and then you yell at me Konichiwa that was weird anyways we gotta wrap it up Ruger where you gonna be there bagel 6,679 episodes when's this come out August 40th July 20th July 20th oh wow July 20th lay it on me fatty where you gonna be in a year and a half Jesus Christ I have no idea July 20th uh oh I think I'm in Tacoma this weekend one of my favorites right by Spokane Tacoma Comedy Club and then uh August I'm going back to the Pacific Northwest doing Portland Helium uh check out Tom Dustin Portrait of a Comedian still on Punch-Up go buy that six bucks great flick or you can get it with all the bonuses for nine bucks all the fixings nine dollars you can get the movie with the um commentary deleted scenes basically a comedy special from Tom Dustin there's me performing a full Joe List comedy special whoa shot in Key West for nine dollars on punchuplive.com while you're there hot dog sign up for my uh email list anyways uh yeah do that and then I also have Philadelphia coming up St. Louis uh bunch of stuff Rochester I have so many gigs coming up go to punchuplive.com all right all right all right I'll be in San Francisco at Cobb's Comedy Club Houston Improv uh we could use you out there that's a it's a big club going to Zany's Nashville love the Nash and the Gash Pittsburgh Improv hello and uh Calgary following your footsteps there sloppy jalopy Acme in Minneapolis and Comedy Works in Denver Madison, Wisconsin at Comedy on State and Helium Portland also going to Charleston for one night only is that South Carolina? yeah I love Charleston me too I always say it's New Orleans I went to college what do you got there? Larry not much check out my podcast Fun Bearable but more importantly we're still working on this film project we are in post production right now if you want to hit me up at Discount Chuck we are still looking for backers for something really really cool behind the scenes I can't really reveal it yet but it's a it's a great project - Great project, Joe and Mark have both seen pieces of it. That's awesome. It's going to be awesome. So hit me up at Discount Chuck, Twitter, Instagram. Here, here. We're clear. We'll see you in hell. Praise Allah.