#664 Hoofenmouth

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. Holy hell! We're back. I'm wearing a jacket to make it look like it's a different day, but here we are, folks. Woo! It's the same day. George is saying cut it. Tell them what you told us. What? Hand, foot, and mouth? Oh, God, not that. Yeah, I think the wife's got hand, foot, and dick disease, and it's contagious. Now, does she have it and the baby doesn't? I'm confused by this. That's what I don't get. The baby is cool as a cucumber. And she looks like a guy from Total Recall. What is she, fingering kids on her side project? Is she coming back here? I don't want to see this bitch. I don't think she left for good, to be honest, a long time ago. Thank God. I don't know where she's at. But she just texted. So she's at the doctor? No, I think she's at the playground spreading it. With the baby? Yeah. Oh, my God. I'm itchy now. Now that she's texted me, I can't stop thinking about it. I've got bugs on my skin. So she texted and said, hey, I've got hand, foot, and anal? She goes, hey. She goes, hey, I think, because she's complaining all night. Like, my feet feel weird. They feel like pokey. And I said, oh, you know, it's probably fiberglass. You know when you're a guy, you just want to be like, you don't want to say, I don't know. So you're like, oh. Oh, the insulation. Yeah. I was like, it's probably asbestos. What were you doing? Some construction? Were you in a crawl space? She was like, no. But the baby's not complaining? Baby's good. I feel like he'd be fevery and pink and gay. No, he's gay, but no pink. Both. This might be the first recorded incident of a mother getting hand, foot, without the son. Yeah. Well, she's a pedophile. Matt's looking it up. What do you got? WebMD is also calling it hoof and mouth disease. Jeez. That's rude. The hoof. OK. What is it, the paw? No, it's a sin. You can't leave it. I think this knife is a good knife. Anyways, well, hopefully it's OK. But I meant the part that you got nothing. Oh, sorry. You got to tell him you got nothing. Sorry. Yeah, I got nothing. I'm out of stories. I, uh. I had nothing crazy happen to me, but I'll digress. I think, well, we'll get some stuff, because if you don't say I got nothing and I start talking, they're going to be like, this piece of shit can suck my ass. He didn't let Mark say a story. No, no. Speak. Say. And because you said you got nothing, now Salicus has a mic, and he's got notes. He does have something. I just found your notebook, Mark. Oh, that's not. My buddy wrote that as a goof. Oh, shit. How funny is that? What's the deal with milk bones? It's not like you can drink it. He's fucking with me. That guy sells out theaters. That's fun. I didn't write that. What is milk bones? Like the dog milk bone. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I see. Yeah, I tried it. It didn't work. But, uh, no, my buddy Bo was over here. He's not a comic, but he was down here working, and he was like, I'm going to use his notebook and fuck with him and write a bad joke. Maybe we should chew some gum. Sure. I get gum. That's why I get gum. I'm like, this is fun. That's a lot of gum. I like gum. This relationship has to be about something. I'm a little low on gum. Yeah. I was going to give some gum. It's a good market piece. Oh, we could cut one in half. Yeah. Cut the gum in half. Don't touch him. Oh, yeah. I'll hit you. You rip it in half. I can't stop. I got bugs on me. Well, we could kill like 20 minutes with a Starbucks order. In the crack. Oh, wow. You got it. I'm going to get some Starbucks. Oh, yeah. People are going to love that. Oh, yeah. Get the hell out of here. I'll take an Omnipop or whatever the hell it's called. Are you going to Starbucks? Really? Why don't I order on the app, though? We got to cut this. I mean, they go nuts about the Starbucks order. They love Starbucks. They can't handle it. You guys got nothing. I got tons of shit. You've got stuff. I can't get awarded on this show. I got hand, foot, and mouth. I got stuff still from Ireland. That one's gone. It doesn't exist anymore. Yeah. It's gone. It burned. But there's one right around the corner. We can't do anything about it. Around the corner of the Cafe 80s. Guy named Griff. Just say no. Left out the door? Well, I can't give you all directions. Left out the door. Google this shit. Right. And then you'll hit the target. No, no. Not the target. Go to the Atlantic Station Terminal. Google it. But you don't know what I want. You're putting it in your order. Well, hold on. We've got to pause this. It takes a second. It takes a second. No, this is good stuff. This is good stuff. All right. You tell a story while I do this. I'll tell a story. They hate this. And they blame me. Have I ever told you about the time I flipped my girlfriend's car flipped? I think I told that last week, actually. Shit. All right. Hold on. Let me tell another story. Flipped like you bought it and made it better and then sold it? No. Like, she flipped it in a ditch upside down. Upside down and inside out. We went tubing in the Boga Chitta, which is a creek in Louisiana. I thought that was the guy from Star Wars. Boba Fett. Ah. Yes, yes. So we went to the Boga Chitta. This is what we used to do to kill time. We'd buy a case of beer. You go there. You can rent tubes. They take you on a school bus, and you jump in a creek, and you put one of the cases on the tube. Then you tie the tube to your tube. Give me my phone back. What are you talking about? He's a photographer. Sorry, I hit the story, but he's taking my phone. Did you order? I'm itchy. I'm itchy. No, I'm ordering. Itchy and scratchy. Yeah, you're supposed to go and order your thing, you numbskull. Boga Chitta. So you got the tubes. Your tube's tied. You put the case on a tube. You tie that tube to your tube. So now you got the hovering beer, and the water's cold, so it keeps the beer cold. It's that cold? It's pretty cold. There was significant shrinkage. So we're floating down. We're drinking. Me and my girlfriend at the time, Megan. Hey, I know Megan. You remember Megan? Of course. I love Megan. Good egg. The one that got away. I always say that. But she died of hand, foot, and mouth. That's funny. Oh, my God. That guy looked like my dad. I got spooked. Oh, yeah. I can see it. So we pull off the group. We bang on a sandbar. Nice. You know, we're 17, whatever. That's what you do. You dated her for a long time. Too long. So we bang on a sandbar. I remember it popped out, and I hit the sand, and I put it back in, not thinking. And she went, aye, aye, aye. I remember this story. Yeah. So then we get back on the tube. We're drinking all day, drinking all night, fucking living it up. Out in the Louisiana sun. Now the sun's going down. So we're like, all right. We got to get up. We got to get back. You don't want to be on the bogachitta after hours. I don't want to be on before hours. Well, that's when deliverance comes out. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You get the toothless yokel out there with one eye. So we jump back on the school bus. Some psycho's driving you. You have some ex-con with a tattoo on his neck. You get back to where all your cars are parked. It was her car. So she just instinctively got in her car and started driving. My buddy in the back, who's now a Marine, yells, got it. And, you know, we're in the woods. We're in the woods here. So you got to, like, get to civilization. So he yells, he just yells, got it. So she goes, OK, I'm an idiot. Hits the pedal to the metal. A curve comes. She swerves it. Boom. We roll a few times, land in a ditch upside down. We're hanging upside down. I hit the seatbelt. And then you fall, you know. And then she's crying out of her mind. I'm itchy, Jerry. Are you really itchy? I'm a little itchy, yeah. I think it's mental. It might be mental. I don't think your inner thigh itches. With hand, foot, mouth. You're right. And my dick, too. So we're flipped over. She's crying. I'm like, everybody OK? Oh, my god. My buddy's in the back like, my head. Head hurts. It's a flat noodle. So I hike that door open, crawl out the window, get her out. She's in a bikini, mind you. Whoa. So all the fucking retard hillbilly woods backyard, what do you call it, the boondocks. Back-to-back home runs. All these old cops come out, like out of Dukes of Hazzard. They're all like, you know, they got the handkerchief. I do declare, you know, all this shit. And they're like, so what happened here, young lady? Ha, ha, ha. And her tit is out. Oh, my god. I'm going to cum. This woman is drinking and driving. She's underage to drink. The car's flipped. She could have killed all of us. I think the car was not in her name. It was all kinds of fucked up shit. We got booze in the car. This woman. This woman. This woman is going to jail. I'm getting fucked in the ass. And we're never going to see each other again. But the tit is out. Woo. And this is a 17-year-old Primo C-Cup. 17-hundred. 17, you know what I mean. So it's out. And they're going, woo, all right. That's a hot night, huh? And they're trying to be diplomatic. But it's tit time. And nobody said, hey, put your tit away, you skank. No, because she was crying like, woo. So they were like, it's OK. It's OK. It's going to be all right. But the tit's out. So they're just like, you know what? We'll get a few photos, and you guys get the hell out of here. So one of my friends called his dad. His dad ended up having to pick us up. It took like an hour and a half to come get us. But we got out of it. Wow. So they towed the car. Everyone was getting away with everything back then. Because what's-his-toes has that story. You know who. Scotland. Green? Scotland Green was on our podcast. Told a story about it. He was driving drunk. Drove up. Hit his parents' house. So the neighbor's house got out. The cops came. And nothing happened. He just walked off. And down south, 1997. Yeah. That was like some old school race stuff going on, I think. Oh, for sure. For sure. White people, it sounded like, were just doing blow. It was like that Eddie Murphy sketch where he goes and buys a newspaper. Like, just take it, man. Take it. Right, right. That's what it felt like back then with the white priv. Although, my buddy in the back, who was a Marine, was black. He was like, got it. He was a black guy. So we had one amongst us. Okay, it was a colored fella. But, you know, she's the one driving, getting off. I wonder if it was switched around. If his dick was hanging out. Oh. They might have tased him. Oh, if his dick was hanging out, he'd be, he'd got in the chair. The old tailpipe. Just his dick would have gotten in the chair. They would have put his dick in a chair and pulled the switch. No siren, just a real F word. Woo, woo. Pull over. What's the last special you watched that you were like, this is unbelievably good? I was thinking about this the other day. Well, I liked the Chris Fleming special. Yeah. Very funny. But that Regan one, where he's got the shirt. The blue shirt on at the improv, and he's measuring the box, but he can't see the numbers on the scale. I walked on the moon. My favorite. Oh, my God. Is that hilarious? Yeah. That's from 1996 or something like that. Oh, shit. No, it's got to be later than that, huh? I would say 2020. Probably like 2004, maybe. No, 2020? I'm sorry. 2002. Yeah, something like that. 2002, 2003, something like that. Wow. In that area. I mean, the idea that, obviously, I know we're talking gibberish to these queefs at home. I know Brian Regan. Go watch that special, Walk a Man on the Moon. That's my number one best special ever. Oh, really? I think that's the one you just did, by the way. That improv, that's- Tempe? No, but the week before that. Irvine. I think it's Irvine. Is that right? It's either Irvine or the other one I confused. There's two in California. There's Brea, Irvine. I confused Brea and Irvine. I can't remember which one's his special. Both OC. Then there's Oxnard, which is heavily Hispanic. Why don't you give that an AI queef? Let me ask. Give me an AI about this. Anal insertion. Brian Regan, I walked on the moon comedy special. When did it come out and where was it shot? Thank you. Don't kill us all. All right, it's thinking. Do they like the thank you? 2004, nailed it. 55-minute special. Beautiful. Why doesn't it say where it's shot? Motherfucker. Yeah. No? But I just love the idea of the box. Oh, Irvine. Oh, you nailed it. I nailed both. I love the idea of the box special, or the box a bit, because that obviously happened to him. Right. Like, he's so funny, this thing happened, and he's like, I'm going to make the funniest sketch or skit or whatever you want to call it, bit, about this of all time. No, that special is just the greatest. And it's in a club, which I love. I know. I love a club special. I might go rewatch that. I actually haven't watched that in 20 years. Yeah, it's amazing. It's the greatest. Well, what's a good one? You popped in recently where you're like, whoa, mama, this guy is humming. I never watched. I've never watched specials. Poor girl. Well, my thing with the special, I want to see comedy live because, and this is an ongoing debate, conversation. I'm like, the idea of me sitting at home and watching more comedy is crazy to me. That's a good point. Because I'm at a club every fucking night for 26 years, and I don't get to watch, especially with a baby, I don't get to watch enough movies. Then you have sports. So I'm either watching sports, and if I'm not watching sports, I've got to watch a movie. But then I like docs, and I also like dramas, and I like comedy, whatever. So the idea of, like, we're going to sit. We're going to sit down and pop on a comedy special. I just never watch them. That's true, yeah. I try to pop in the room because it's so much better in the room anyways. Yeah, it's like whenever people meet me and my wife, they're like, you both like comedy? You both do comedy? You guys must make each other laugh all day long. I'm like, actually, we don't talk and avoid each other. Yeah, we stare at each other. Yeah, she's got a hand, foot, and mouth. Oh, God. If I get that, I'm going to be furious. Yeah. I think I'm okay. Ah! Uh-huh. But I got some stuff over here. Oh, please, put it right in my ass. I have nothing. I got stuff. I got stuff. Put it on the record. All over my back, all over my chest. Well, this happened weeks ago. Some of these stories go way back. That's what my grandmother does. Don't touch me! Oh, sorry. She does this one. How you doing? Your grandmother do that? No, my grandmothers are dead. Well, mine are dead, too, but they would. That was always. Hello was the. No, no. There's no touching in my family. Really? Nobody's touching anybody. And I like it that way, frankly. Okay, okay. No hug? Now my family will hug a little bit. My grandparents certainly were not touching. My father's not touching. My grandmother, forget it. She's like Irish-Irish. Like, said arse and stuff, and we did not make any physical contact. I never saw her and her husband kiss, touch, hold hands, say hello. Very rare. Now, when did they croak? Probably 2008-ish, 9-8-ish. Oh, so you were online. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They had a good run. Well, that's another story. My grandmother was 88, was going to get the paper, slipped and fell down the stair, like, smashed her face open. Come on. Yeah, like, she died, like. Get the paper, get the paper. In a hospital with a neck brace and, like, bruised. It was nasty. Oh, one fall will do it. I had this. This was like my pony remark situation from the Seinfeld. I was talking to Esty. Esty, the comedy seller booker, famously, you know. Old Israeli broad. Yeah. She's scary to some people. Sure. And this is when I was new at the club. You're always nervous. You're on thin ice. You're scared. And I was like, yeah, my grandmother died. Get in the paper. I'm like, what's an 88-year-old woman get in the paper for? And she was like, I read the paper. What do you think? Because you should always be informed. You should never stop being informed. And I was like, my grandmother's face got smashed in. She's dead. Yes, yes, she's dead. Who cares about the news? She died bloodied and bashed. I'm just saying, if she hadn't been reading the newspaper, and she's like, you should always read the paper because she's a woman. She's like, that's sexist and it's ageist. It was like this thing. And I was like, ah! How'd we get here? And I'm like, I'm never going to get booked again. It's all because my grandmother's face exploded. I know. Wow-ee. That was like one of those, it literally felt like, who has a pony? Yes, yes. I had the pony. It was exactly that. I know. And then you want to, oh, we shouldn't talk too much about the comedy store, comedy seller Booker, but you want to just go, hey, relax. I'm telling a story here. But she's the Booker, so you go, oh, you're right. What a fool I am. I'm so sorry. I take it all back. She should be informed. I bought her a New York Times subscription. But you go, you should go, all right, back off, bitch. Right. You're like, no, you're making a mistake. You make a great point. I'm very happy that she, in her 89th year, slid down the stairs face first like fucking Joe Pesci in Home Alone. Exactly. By the way, there's no chance Salicus is coming back. He doesn't even know which one. He doesn't know what I ordered. No, I gave him the wrong directions, too. And how about he just goes, I take a left, like, I'm like, so we're going to write down, what is this, 85? Yeah, what are we, Google Maps over here? A left, a right, then you're going to see whatever. Map quest. He's not coming. Ray ain't coming home. He's not getting that soda of yours, either, I'll tell you. Did you put it on the list? I didn't, because I'll text him. I'll call him. Call him. Put it on speak. That's what we'll do. There we go. Hand, foot, mouth. Salicus. I bet you. I got stories. Don't you worry. I can't wait. Sal Volcano. Oh, he's good. Oh, he's the best. I got to see him the other day. Oh, my knee itches. All right, let's see what happens here. Ringing. This is good podcasting. He's not going to answer. Well, I don't know if he'll remember the soda, because you said the soda. He doesn't remember. I reached the car. I'm going to call it right now. He's going to come back with two cups of coffee. I hate when people say, you've reached. I haven't reached. Oh. They go, I've reached. You've reached Matt Salicus. That's good. No, I have not reached you. There he is. He only has one coffee. No soda. Oh, so he ordered himself something. No soda. Unless it's in his pocket. Could be in the pocket. No, no pocket. Oh, I bet he didn't take my teabag out, either. This guy doesn't know what he's doing. No chance. I said Omnipop. I don't even know if that's what it's called. I heard you say Omnipop. I think that's an agency. Did you get Mark a soda? Did not see a soda. Oh, boy. We just called you. We called. Thank you, buddy. You're a good man, and I know you're going to win. What movie? Taxi Driver. That's right. I love that reference. Sammy. Damn. Sam Burrill. You're a good man. I know you're going to win. Flushed this whole fucking city right down the fucking toilet. Whoa. He took the teabag out. I took it out. You're a good friend. You're a bad, bad employee, but you're a good friend. All right. No soda. Let me get some soda. Yeah, he didn't get the soda. I knew it. I thought you put it on the blower. Well, we didn't put it on the blower because I handed it to him, and then I forgot. Whoa, look at that cheese. That looks delicious. That does look pretty good. I know they had sandwiches at Starbucks. What if I want to go in and get one of those sandwiches I like? My contend, that is top five funniest line in a Martin Scorsese movie of all time. They're like, you're banned from the casino. You can't set foot in there, and he goes, what if I want to go in there and get one of those sandwiches I like? No one did some sandwiches at a casino. Perfectly retarded thing to say. You're banned. You're banned for life. You can't go in there. Yeah, but what if I want to get one of those sandwiches that I like? What a fucking sentence. I know. Not one of those sandwiches I don't like. Well, I think what he's saying is, all right, it's a casino. I can't gamble. I can't cause trouble, but let me get a sandwich. What the fuck? He goes, you can't even set foot on the property, which is another great sandwich line is in Goodfellas, which no one ever noticed. It's like the most under the nose, under the radar line, and he goes, we got to go on a diet. Tomorrow we eat sandwiches. That's the idea of a diet. That could be a great t-shirt. That's so fucking funny. Yeah, you got to go on a diet. It's like that Seinfeld line. You're telling me Jared from Subway lost 500 pounds on an all hoagie diet? That's funny. Funny's funny. Funny guy. Then he had the whole thing. of the pizza. He's like, now they have cheese in the crust. crust. They bake your head in the middle. Yeah, we found more ways to put cheese in a piece of pizza. Next, we're going to have a pizza where they bake it around you called Hey Pizza Face, which is probably the low end of that bit. Yeah. Alright. Now, the number one funniest line in a Scorsese film, in my opinion, is, that man you work with, I don't like him. It's not that I don't like him, I think he's silly. Ah, silly is good. That man you work with, I don't like him. It's not that I don't like him, I think that he's silly. Woo-wee! Tuesday Stories brought to you by Blue Chew. What do women want? Start with a nice, consensual dick appointment, thanks to Blue Chew. Blue Chew Gold is a four-in-one tablet with a new arousal-boosting formula designed for better sex to get you turned on, mentally and physically, so you can focus on the good stuff. Blue Chew's the best. You know it, I know it. Don't have to worry about being nervous, getting in your head. Don't get in your head, get some head. That's what I say. It's all mental. 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That's Z-O-C C-O-C D-O-C dot com slash Tuesdays. ZocDoc dot com slash Tuesdays. Thanks, ZocDoc. ZocDoc for sponsoring this message. All right, let me tell you this. All right, all right. This is good stuff. I got nothing. So, as you know, Ron Bennington, our friend, Ronnie B, the legend. Legend. Love Ronnie. One of the goats. And, you know, he's sick. He's laid up in bed over there. They invited me to come record a podcast. They call it Portcast. Port. While he's getting chemo, which is crazy. Yikes. Which I did not know chemo was like an IV drip. I thought it was like you go into like a MRI machine. Yeah. I thought they shot you in the face. It's waves of radiation. Radiation is different, I guess. You and I were thinking radiation. Yes, yes. Which that must be a tube of some sort. But chemo, you're just hanging out. You have an IV in. That sounds pretty good. Yeah, I don't think it's great. But I think the main nastiness of chemo is like a few days later. Got it. Because they're just poisoning you. Like a hangover. Which is crazy. That's still our best system is like, you have a disease in you. Let's poison your entire body. I said the same thing. My friend's wife has cancer. And they're like, she's not doing great. She looks like hell. The hair's gone. It's brutal. And I'm like, 2026. We got the cancer cells. We're aware of the cells. Can't we zap them? I think that's coming very soon. Well, this is what sucks about people getting sick in these times. Because the evolution, like Sarah's dad passed away. He was overweight and had diabetes. And then Ozepic came out like eight months after he died. That's the fear is that like all the people that are going to die in the next whatever six months, year, AI is just like, we got the fucking thing. And you're like, go! It's like student loans forgiven. You know, they're like, we're going to wipe student loans. I'm like, I paid them, bitch. What the hell? I should have waited. I should have just not been a good citizen and been a lazy cunt and I would have gotten paid. Let me do this joke on stage. Our therapist is 80. So I wait a few weeks to pay him. Hey, that's funny. I'm like, hey, it's like, he's like, hey, you owe from four weeks ago. You're like, all right, you got me, but I could save 175 bucks. You never know. You Venmo that 175 and then two days later he croaks. You're like, fuck me. That's big. You know, it's another one is weed being legal. Like somebody went to jail for not for illegal weed. And then two days later, it's legal. Thousands of people. Thousands of people. I think a lot of them are getting exonerated though, I believe. They should get free weed for life. Don't you think? Yeah, sure. They actually are being given the first rights to open weed stores. Oh, that's nice. Yes, they're saying. But that's work. I got to open a store now. But you used to sell drugs. You just do that legally now. Right. I'd rather do the street. Yeah. No permit. No payroll. No employees. No lights. No building. No real estate. Well, that was the old thing for many years. They would just take people that were on drugs or crack, particularly black people on crack while all the white Wall Street guys are doing coke. No problem. Sure. They would throw them in jail. And then they came out of jail. They're like, well, now you have a record. Plus, you joined a gang while you're in there. And then it's just a boop. All because they were doing a little sniffy or weed. A little cracky or weed. Okay. So anyways, I went to see. I was honored to be invited. I went to the hospital to go. Jesus Christ. Sorry. Diseases. Hand, foot, mouth. So I went and saw Ronnie B, Chris Stanley, the whole gang. They're the best. Stanley. So on the way there, I'm like, well, I'll ride my bike up there. Stanley Steamer. And I have all this stuff I want to get framed. I had a handwritten note from our therapist saying, you're going to be a great dad. I love you. Whoa. I'm like, I'm going to frame that. Then I bought a painting in Dublin by this great Irish painter. I'm like, I got to frame that. And then I had this other old family photo of my great grandfather, Albert Joseph McKinnon. He was on this hockey team. I got this old black and white photo of him on a hockey team. Like, they're like, it looks like they're all beat up, you know? In Beantown? Yeah. Whoa. So I'm like, I'll get this framed. So I had a few framey things. So I get the bag together and then I'm like, I'll ride my bike to the frame shop. So I have my helmet, ride, and then I'm like, okay, I don't have enough time. I'll take the subway up. So I put the helmet in the bag. So I have a shopping bag with a painting, a helmet, and a thing. Ride my bike up. I go to the frame store. It's one of these ones where you're like, okay, I got exactly enough time to ride my bike to the frame store, park the bike, drop off the stuff, go see Ronnie B. Well, first I get to the city bike. This is the problem with city bike. You get to the city bike thing. It's all full. No spaces. Ah, I hate the no spaces. And the frame shop is right there. So I'm like, fuck. Okay, so I gotta look up. Where's their space? Okay, four blocks up, two blocks over. Ride the bike. Ah, four blocks. You hit the red light. You hit the other red light. And you're watching the time just tick away. Yeah. Finally, I go this way, I go that way. There's a spot. So now I park the bike. But now I have to double back on foot to get back to the thing. And that's six blocks. So I'm losing time. So I'm like, I can't be late to see Ronnie B. while he's getting chemo. We're doing a show. Do you double time? A little pep in the step? So I'm kind of jogging there. I get there. I got the painting, the photo, the note. I go up to the door. And they're fans of mine. I framed my stuff. They're fans. You're Joe List. Oh my god, they gave me a discount. I got my Toy Story poster framed. Hell yeah. I go to open the door. Locked. I look up. Piece of paper. We are no longer in business. After 38 years, we're taken off. We are not. And no exceptions. Doesn't matter how small. Doesn't matter if we know you. Doesn't matter if we're a fan of your comedy, we are not taking any more orders. - Wow. - And I was like, fuck! - Wow. Now I'm like, well, I've run out of time. So I take the bag, I go uptown, and I'm like, I'm going in to meet Ron. Yeah. I got a little brown bag with a handle on it, filled with stuff. It looks like I'm showing up with all kinds of treats. Oh, with a gift. None of it's for him. I'm like, hey, good to see you. And he's like, oh, my God, you're the most thoughtful person in the world. I love you. And I go, yeah, this is mine. This is my bike helmet, my note saying you're going to have a blessed life, whatever. Sure. But I did get him a card. I wrote a nice thing. Thank God you got the card. I had the card. And I bought Starburst, too. I was like, I stopped at Walgreens. I'm like, I've got to have something. So I bought a big bag of Starburst, and he's like, I'll die. Oh, yeah, that'll kill him. He's like, I have stomach cancer. That's poison. I'm getting chemo. Did you throw it at him? I was like, really? You can't have a Starburst? He's like, what are you, nuts? You stopped and got jujube because your friend was in the hospital? He's like, my veins would explode, you piece of shit. So I was like, oh, sorry. But then I'm just stuffing strawberry fruit chews in my mouth while he's getting chemo. But it was a great hang, and he's just the best. I mean, the most special person in the fucking world, and hilarious, and was hilarious through the podcast. Oh, he's great. Great broadcaster, funny guy, great comic. And yeah, just a legend. So I was honored to be there and see him, and he's the best. Well, speaking of the city bike, I take the city bike all over town doing sets. I don't know how I ever did sets without city bike. It's the most convenient. Right. If you're going to the stand to New York Comedy Club, that's a, to the 4th Street one, that's literally like a 12 block walk with a couple avenues. Yeah. That'll take you 40 minutes or whatever. Yeah. On the bike, it's four minutes. And there's a bike station in front of both clubs. In front of both clubs. I used to be the hoofing guy, like, I'll be right there. Then you run in, you do it. You saw me. I was always huffing and puffing. Yeah. So, now I'm doing the bike thing, but the fucking bike on 4th Street always is full. I don't know why. I hate the full. That's what we had the first time you and I rode. Oh, yeah. So, I don't know what it is, but I'm like, all right, I got to be there in three minutes. I'm a block away. It's going to be smooth sailing. You get there. No bike, no bike, no bike, no bike, no bike, no bike, no bagel, no bagel. All right. Fuck. So, then I went to one, two blocks away. You know, you start getting a little more desperate. You're like, oh, I don't want to go that far. But I'll take anything at this point. So, then you go two blocks away, all full. So, I call the club, and I go, okay, all the bikes are full. I'm here. They're like, where are you? You're on next. I lit the guy. So, I bring the bike, and I bring it into the lobby of the club. I had to. It was like a baby. I was like, I can't just leave it out here. Yes. It'll get stolen. I've had the same thought, because everything in you is like, this doesn't belong to me. I can just leave it here. But then a hobo takes it, and it costs you $750. Exactly. So, I bring it in the lobby. Which is weird. It's like, bing, bong, bong, bong. It's heavy, too. Down the six stairs. Yeah. Then you open the door, and the bouncer's like, what the fuck? So, I go, just hold this. And I do my set. Goes well. I make jokes. I got a bike out there. You're not going to believe it. And I get off stage, and the bike's gone. And I'm like, what happened to the bike? And I go, oh, the waiter docked it. So, the waiter docked it. Wow. What a guy. That's a good dock. A lot of times, dock is bad. Hey. They docked your pay. You've been docked. Right. Yeah, you work on the docks. Yeah. Yeah. They do a dock about you. Oh, that's bad. Michael Jackson. Male docking? Male docking. What's male docking? Tip to tip. Penis to penis with foreskin. And you put one inside the other. Oh, that's fun. That's how we met. Oh. So. Oh. Oh. That's like Robin Williams. Oh. Oh. So. Wait, I had another thing. But you go back. Oh, I got my thing. Yeah, go. Give me the thing. Well, I had a knife. It was a 90s moment. Uh-huh. Don't you hate a 90s moment? You forget how good we got it these days. Sometimes I like a 90s moment. Sometimes they're good, but this one was bad. So, Ari, that pimple. Oh, I remember this. He's moving to London. I know. Believe me. So, he had a big going on. Oh, there she is. He had a big going away party. Her hands are all swollen. Oh, God. She's falling apart. Oh, boy. Why don't you help her out there, Sally? She needs help. He's going to get diseases. Oh, yeah. Good point. Wear a glove or two. Maybe a coat and hazmat. Oh, my God. All right. Oh, he's coming out. He's coming out. Here comes Sally, kids. Hand, foot. Oh, there you go. Oh, boy. Ah, cute lady. Cute lady. I was hoping she wouldn't come home. You get the. He should get the stroller. Let her get the baby, because they're both infected. Uh-huh. I bet you. No, I think you're okay. Okay. Oh, wow. I think he'd have a fever. I just. I think he pulled his back. All right. A fever, really? I think that's fevery. You don't have a fever. I got a fever. Okay. What the hell are you talking about? Oh, yeah. Ari. So, Ari. Ari's moving to London. Moving to London. I feel like he was just here for five minutes. He was in Machu Picchu for a year, and now he's been back for 10 minutes, and he's like, I'm leaving again. Too much for me. He's got a ponytail. He's a queen for a year. Oh, does he? Yeah. He's got a little man bun. Ah, gross. Probably a man bagel if you're a Jew. But, so he goes, I'm having a going away party tonight. Everybody's coming. It's Shane, the butler. Come on by. And I go, great. I'll be there. And I just had one of those bad nights where you do three sets. None of them go great. It was a little rainy. I'm gay. And you're like, I'm going home. Oh, there it is. There it is. It's coming. It's coming, Jerry. I'm coming to join you, honey. So, I had the, you know, one of those nights where you're like, I got to be up with the baby. It's already 1030. If I go there now, I won't get home till. 1230. Then you got to be up at four. Ah, you better wash up there, fatty. Did you touch her? No. Touch the baby? Did she look like shit? She looked fine. Did you kiss? But I carried that stroller up. I was face to face with the big fish. Face to face with the blowhole. Does he have it, though? Whoa, big fella. I was 10 feet tall if he was a foot. He looked fine. All right. Okay, great. How'd she look? Fine. Hands? Fine. Swollen like balloons? Looked fine. Just like two balloons. Like two balloons. Great song. So, I missed Ari's going away party. Yeah. And I watched it. Like, you were there, Shane, Soder. I should have gone. Ran as easy, Sal. Ah, fuck. They did an episode, right? Yeah. Yeah, I should have gone. I feel bad. Also, Shane, I keep bumping into, but without calling. Like, I keep forgetting he's in New York. Then I'm at the cellar, and I'm like, oh, hey. And he's like, oh, hey. And I'm like, you don't tell me you're here? But then I'm like, why would he tell me he's here? This is that weird thing where you're like. He's living here. Yeah. I'm like, it's weird you're here, and I don't know it. Right. But why would I know it? I don't know. So. I think you got disease. I think you're all fucked up. I'm off, Jerry. So, I go, all right. I feel horrible. I text Ari. Because when someone's leaving, you don't really think they're leaving. Right. It's like when someone dies, you go, oh, shut up. Ha ha. You know those movies where the guy croaks, and they're like, hey, come on, Billy. Quit joking around. And he's like, come on. Come on, quit. Right, right. But also, the thing about moving, it doesn't matter. We don't see each other that much. And when you do, you bump into each other. Like, he went eight months without seeing him. That's a good point. I'll probably see him more. Like, he'll be back. He has the gig. We'll see him at Skank Fest, which is what? Three months away? Yeah, that's a good point. And then, that's what I talk about with Texas. I'm like, Sam's like crying. He's like, don't move. Whatever you do, I'll kill myself. Right. I'm like, you won't even know. That's a good point. I don't even have to tell you. True. I go literally weeks without seeing him. I haven't seen Salicus in two months. That's true. Must be nice. You text people, and you go, believe me. You text people, you go, oh, hey, you know, we have a pod. If it weren't for the pod, when the fuck would I see you? Yeah, all right. At the stand for 10 minutes. I guess it's a mental thing. You go, oh, he's going across the ocean, across the pond. That's a whole other world over there. He'll move back within a year and a half. OK. And then, we'll go to London every year and a half. Good point. And we'll see him at Skank Fest. Scoobly-boop. And you kind of have that with a career, too. I'm like, I haven't posted a thing in three days. I'm irrelevant. Right. Nobody noticed. Nobody cared. No, no one cares. Did he tell you why he's moving? I don't. He just likes to mix it up. He likes to move, try something different, the scene, the blah, blah, blah. He's running from something. Yeah, he's got mental problems, obviously. People act like Ari's cool and this thing. Yeah, he's scared to live a proper life. Sure. He's like, ah, I've got to do mushrooms, go live in the woods for six months. It's not good. Right, right. He's like, ah, I'll be. I've been fucking taekwondo for two years. No one call me. Don't talk to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess no one looking for themselves isn't lost to start. Oh. Right. Oh, Sal Cusious. Yeah, I have a friend who does ayahuasca like every six months. And I'm like, how'd it go? He's like, figured out the universe, got it all done, cleaned everything up up here, the attic's cleaned. And I'm like, so what's the key to life? And he's like, I don't know. I'm going back in six months. Yeah. So what is this? Well, Ari's like. He's 58 years old. He says, Sarah and I went and visited him in Ecuador. And he's like, yeah, you know, I couldn't talk to my boyfriend for six. They separate us. You're not allowed to look anyone in the eye. You have to do. I'm like, this is like the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, we were throwing up for the first half hour. I cried for two hours. Yes. And I'm like, have a beer, you fucking goofball. Exactly. Just have a fucking beer. Watch the game. Stop it. Thank you. I know. You're silly. Yeah. So either way. I like him, but he's silly. That man you worked with, I don't like him. He's silly, Jerry. So I go, all right, well, I missed the party. And I text him the next day. I go, sorry, I missed the party. I suck. I'm a flake. I hate myself. What are you doing tonight? and he goes tonight i'm leaving and i go yeah but when and he goes 4 p.m i go oh shit what time is it now noon i go i got some stuff to do but i'll come to your house at like three and i'll see you off and he was like okay i'll be walking the dog but come by and he wasn't giving me much i think he was annoyed yeah so i was like ah shit i feel bad i'm a bad friend so i jump on the train i get to his house at like 245 i'm all excited i'm gonna see him off i'm gonna you know patch it up hey i'm off the train nothing huh well he said he's walking his dog i'll go to this i'll go to tompkins square park i'll check the dog park no ugly jew with a beard a ponytail here no man bagel all right no shirtless guy with a keep on trucking okay weird i'll go to his house where the hell does he live again what is this eighth street ninth street avenue b so now i'm just circling the alphabet city looking for his home i was like is it six maybe it's seven i've seen the door so i'm walking up down looking at all the doors and i'm like is it b or is it a 69 42 24 69 96 41 i'm doing all that and i'm walking around i'm like huh and i walk by a bar this is like out of it's like after hours the movie i walk by a bar and somebody goes norman and i go oh hey what's up i'm like oh my god i'm like oh man he goes comedy i got a comedy i go you seen ari he goes yeah i saw him last tuesday and i go what's he up to he goes he's moving to london i'm like i know he's moving to london that's what i'm doing here so i'm talking with the locals ah that's fun and now i just keep walking around now it's two or three thirty i'm like oh geez the clock's ticking let me go back to the park i bet he's in the park now call him text him call him text soda you hear it from ari can you know where i text lewis what's up with ari i don't know all right everybody's answering me but ari i'm texting you yes and you're like i've had this exact situation let me go back to the park no he's not there let me go back to look in the in the house area fuck now it's four okay well that was it i get on the train right when i put my foot on the fucking train car ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling hey it's ari where are you i go where am i i was at your house for an hour and a half and you know i went to the park i went to your bar i talked to everybody and he's like oh yeah i was had my phone off and i go i told you i was coming by at three he's like yeah sorry and i go are you gone he goes yeah i left at 3 30 it's god so he's gone well this is what he does i mean this is first of all r is the only guy that goes into the jungle to do ayahuasca to find out what life's about and then throws a cup of piss in a guy's face sure literally he's like famously throwing piss in a guy's face yeah and then takes a bloody shit on the stage and then drugs a guy it's like oh yeah spiritual wonder right right yeah who could forget when fucking the dalai lama took a bloody shit on stage at madison square garden um and also he does the thing with the phone in the business where he's like i got a flip phone can i borrow your phone can i borrow your phone can i borrow your phone oh god the itch oh yeah this is terrible but yeah he'll do well he'll be back soon life's an itch then you die but yeah so he'll be back but i i missed him and it just felt so nothing well this is another thing with our here's another ariism he's like i'm like where are you going to move in london oh i'm thinking about this play that place i'm like not so you don't want to go so he's like no way he's like it's too crazy it's like time square which first of all soho isn't like time square it's like the village so which is where he lives i'm like for 20 years i've been like you live in the east village you're 60 years old you should live in the upper west side whatever it's the drug addicts all this stuff i'm like what about soho no way i would never live in soho i'm like right it's the village it is the village of england lester square is time square yes it's like soho is like record stores and bars and young people it's not time square at all yeah totally uh but it's just it's just classic are you think oh you must want to live in the cool place yeah why would i want to live there i'm like because it's cool we just flipped arguments on me we've been having this argument for 10 years yeah yeah and i go so where are you living and he goes we haven't gotten a place yet it's not like you're going there with person with luggage and you don't know where you're gonna go well they got three months of airbnbs ah yeah so they're they're set up in that way can you ask your ai something for me yeah i'd love to ask ai something for you i want to know what the london soho is named after because i know our soho is south of house oh yeah i think i looked this up recently their soho was before our soho that's true but what's it named after it's gotta be south of horchester don't you hate this i looked it up recently but didn't retain it that's the worst because i could be the smart guy right now but my brain just didn't because i got bon jovi lyrics up where does the name soho in london come from there we go walking through the streets of soho in the rain leho fuck the origin of the name soho in london isn't known for complete certainty but the most widely accepted explanation is that it came from an old hunting cry by the 1600s the hunting grounds outside the city hunters are believed to have shouted soho when pursuing game much like tally ho for fox hunting i thought that was pirates the name bears on maps by the late 17th century and gradually became i didn't look this up at all i must have looked something else up became attached to the neighborhood another clue supporting this theory is that soho was used elsewhere in england as a place name before the london district became famous often in areas associated with hunting london soho blah blah blah blah spanish spanish spanish so and it got its name from something all right so so ours is cooler because it's got a it means something i guess so we got soho we got noho we got uh tribeca nolita those are good i love nolita yeah north of little italy anal and then tribeca is the triangle before canal below canal below canal sorry and then dumbo yes down under manhattan district over overpass is it down or district i think it's down under down under that's australia down under manhattan bridge i think it's district under manhattan bridge overpass look it up give it a go we gotta tell some stories you guys are probably right but uh all right you said you had some some nuggets here i had nuggets you said you had nothing you got all kinds of stuff well i don't want to leave you hanging it is down down under the manhattan bridge overpass yeah what about a nomad north of madison oh where the fuck is that madison goes that's a flat iron yeah they kind of just make some stuff up that you're like no one's ever said this before no and then there's upper west side which is from the west side but like upper i've got a problem with nomad because madison starts on 23rd street it's above madison we gotta focus here this is no good oh how about this story this is from yesterday at the bookstore i have a bookstore it's called chapters out there hey that's fun killing time so i went to the bookstore before the movie and i'm walking around there's a kid's section so i bought a kid's book it's like you'll appreciate this i found this monster truck book for the boy he's obsessed with monster trucks how's he doing books he loves books okay loves books loves trucks and one of the few people that is into books and monster trucks that's rare that's rare so the book's a little beat up i'm like hey you guys have another copy of this it's a little the pages folded a little banged up and the lady's like that's our only copy and then i watch her go over the manager i'm gonna give you 10 off pretty good which is nice because the kid doesn't care right you know you want to present the kid with a nice looking book but he's not gonna give a shit i love it so i got 10 off that was nice little patina and the lady came over you know i'm very charming plus you have the boys you're buying the thing i'm like yeah my kids too oh he loves monster trucks yeah it's my first time away from in a few months uh-huh charming you know this chubby lady older lady that's a kind of nice looking lady but you know they're 60s she'd seen a few winters so i go to i go to the movie i come back and i'm like i'm gonna go to the bookstore again i found this uh wayne gretzky book 99 or something like that says on the front best hockey book ever written and i love books that are stories each page chapters like four pages you know give me a nice short hockey story so i'm gonna grab this book i'll rip right through this you read the agassi book yeah what'd you think it's good okay i liked it i might pick that up some people are like this book is life it's the best book of all time i'm like it's good yeah it's good okay you should read the inner game of tennis that's a mental book psychology book it's incredible okay it's great it's all about how like all of our things are just us in our own way that's like the problem with any athlete artist life it's like the yips it's actually just you mentally thinking you can't do something you get out of the zone basically right right how the hell do you get in the zone it's a great book and why is it so tennis based oh that guy was just a tennis player oh okay but it's it's known as it's it's about life got it intergalactic tennis house intergalactic planetary i hated that album i did not like that album remember that one i was like oh it sucks yeah a little too robotic escape but anyways so i go back by the way in gretzky book i walk up and the ladies you know chatting charming charm canada joe list i go hey i think i saw you earlier you've been here all day and she's like oh yeah i remember you were here i think she didn't remember me and she goes oh yeah what brings you to town anyways because she goes do you want to do you have an account as i'm visiting and sometimes usually you try to lie because you don't want to be like i'm a comedian sure but i had with calgary you got nothing that's true what am i gonna say Oh, I wanted to, ah. Fuck you. Why am I in Calgary? Yeah, yeah. I can't be like, I got a friend here, and I'm just walking by myself in the mall for eight hours straight. Good point. So I went, well, I'm a comedian. And she does this. Oh, my God. I know you. I know you. You're on Instagram, right? I'm like, yes, I'm on Instagram. Whoa. So then she goes, I've always dreamed of doing comedy. I might do improv, yada, yada. There's a line, by the way. There's like 40 people in line. Tall lady. And I go, well, yeah. And she goes, I appreciate Wayne Gretzky. You like Gretzky? I go, yeah. She goes, went to high school with him. Oh, we got a hat trick. And she goes, and I could have dated him. I was set up on a date with him. What? But he was too ugly. Oh. The great one? The great one is too ugly for her. And by the way, you pull up Wayne Gretzky. He looks like my wife, by the way. Put up Wayne Gretzky, 1980. He looks like a lady. He's got like mom haircut. He does a mom cut. But he's kind of a cute boy. He looks just like Sarah. I want to fuck him. Sure. I mean, look at this boy. Let me see a young Wayne. But he ain't ugly. No, he looks like Jane Lynch. That's an ugly guy. He's not ugly. He's cute. He's cutish. He looks like Big Bird. And by the way, Wayne Gretzky was famous when he was seven. So by the time high school, it's like, you know he's going to be a billionaire. It's like Larry Bird. He's not Brad Pitt, but he's talented. He's better looking than Bird. Bird's an ugly duckling. Yeah, that's a better looking. If your wife didn't have a disease, I'd tell her to come down. Look at this guy. But he's a handsome boy. He's cute. He's cute. And the guy's scoring 300 goals a minute. Of course. He's the king. And he was playing with, he was literally seven playing with high school kids dominating. Is that right? Yeah. And they had all the parents would complain. They're like, hey, our son. And they're like, they showed the ice time. They're like, he's playing eight minutes a game. He just scores 50 times a game. Whoa. And they're like, he's nine. Like the high school parents were like, you got to get this kid out of here. Our kid can't play. And they're like, he's seven years younger. He's younger than them. Wow. We can't put him at any other level. Is he still the guy or has he been surmounted? Well, Ovechkin passed him in goals, but he's still the all-time points leader. He's a playmaker. He wasn't even a goal scorer. Oh, okay. I mean, he's a goal scorer, obviously, but he was more of a playmaker. And he's the fucking great one. Look at him. He's a handsome boy. He's not bad looking there. But also. Looks like a Spicoli. No matter what he looks like, just bold to be at a bookstore and be like, ah, he was too ugly for me. Too ugly. And this lady. You know, she's not. She was no Gretzky. She's not a piece of ass. I see. She was pretty. But she's older, you say. She's older. Maybe in her day. She did have a little bit of cleavage, but she's got short. I think all these ladies, they get to an age where they just shave the head. Like, she had my haircut, but white. Ah, yikes. And a big old crinkly tit. Yuck. And she was sweet and fun, but you're like, so you thought he was too ugly, and now here you are working at Chapters in Calgary. This guy lives in a 300-room mansion. Yeah, she's on thin ice. She's on thin ice. She could have really slid right into rich lady life. She was offside. I mean, her toe was in the crease. I don't know. But she fucked up. She's a liberal puck. But anyways, yeah, I just thought it was hilarious that she was like, too ugly. That's crazy. Too fruity. Too fruity. Too ugly. Man, Wayne. It's Wayne Gretzky. Because I'm sure in high school he was still cooking. Of course. I'm like, I literally was playing. He won a Stanley Cup like eight months out of high school. She's going to go right to H.E. Double hockey sticks. I mean, it's crazy. He won fucking four Stanley Cups. I think they won a fifth without him. Or maybe he won three, and they won a fourth without him. Two girls, one Stanley Cup. Crazy. What an idiot. She blew it. You blew it. You could have been a Gretzky. She could have been Janet Gretzky. Yeah. Man. Well, glad you brought that book so she can realize it. Yeah. Hit her right in the face with it. Well, she's going to totally hear this. Good. You think he'll get back to her? She says she follows you. We're going to clip this. Stop getting so close. Sorry. I had to lean. I'm visiting. I'm going to my friend's kid's house. I can't give them FDD or whatever it's fucking called. Oh, yeah. STD. I'd love to give him one of those. Hand, foot, H-F-M. I think it's hoof now. Hoof and mouth. Hoof and mouth. Hoof and mouth. What do you want with hoof? Hoof and mouth sounds like a metal band. Hoof and mouth. Going down to see Hoof and Mouth. Das Boot is opening. Yeah. I think they're opening for Cowboy Mouth. Anyways, how about that? This happened nine months ago. How much time are we at here? Because I got a couple more. Oh, wow. It's flying. Flying, Jerry. Well, he went to get coffee seven hours ago. Where's that Omnipop? Is that somewhere? I'd love a pop. The baby is really wailing up there. He's got a hand, foot. Yeah. It's all mouth. Well, speaking of kids and hoofs, I was in Ireland seven months ago. Oh, yeah. With my parents. And we took the train down to Bray, Ireland to go see the beach. And the water, the Irish Sea. Then we're on the train ride back. All these high school girls get on. First of all, there's like seven or eight of them, 100% of them vaping and staring at their phone. Just all individually looking at their phone and just ripping vapes. This is on the train. Statutory vape. Windows closed. Just pink strawberry vape smoke going everywhere. Oh, God. No, I feel like such a boomer. Yeah, sure. But then one of them was playing a TikTok. And Wonderwall comes on. So they start playing Wonderwall. And now this is my cup of jizz here. Wait, on the blower or on the phone? The blower. On the train? Announcements? Music? Huh? Is the train playing music or is it someone's boombox? Why are you mad at me? Why are you yelling at me? Why would the train play music? Trains play music sometimes. What train ever has played music? You do it. Well, he started yelling at me, so now I'm on edge. But I'm just curious. I've seen trains play music. Tell me the train you were on. They played music on the speaker. I would love to know which train. Long Island Railroad, the W train. They just, hey, folks, welcome on board. The next stop is Broadway, and here's Pearl Jam. Well, I'm talking, it's Ireland. It's a whole different world over there. All right, well, you say multiple trains. Give me one of the trains, the many trains. I'd say it wasn't sub-trains. Plural. Sub-trains. A train has played music in history. All right, well, tell me which one. All right. I got nothing. All right. Well, that's what I'm asking. All right, you're right. You're right. I'm just asking. Okay, okay. Well, you're telling me music. They play trains on the music. Music on the train. I've seen music on a train. You can't see music, but I've heard music on a train at some point. All right. I haven't had that experience. Pull it up. What trains play music? Yes. Thomas the Tank Engine? There we go. There it is. Well, anyways, no. She's playing it on her phone. She's playing Oasis, Wonderwall. So, you know. Comes on, skibooty-boo, and I'm born in 82, so I love a Wonderwall. Sure, sure. Good hit. So, the kids start singing. Several. Thank you. All right, here we go. Several famous passenger trains play music. Okay, give them to me. Tokyo Metro. Of course. The Tokyo Metro. The Disneyland train. That's good. Amtrak City of New Orleans. Oh, where I'm from. There you go. Wow. I think you would have been able to pull that one. So, that was three. There you go. Oh, big ones. Disneyland, Tokyo. I played it. I went on Amtrak as a kid. I'm surprised you couldn't think of it. Yeah, well, I've been on a lot of trains since then. And none of them played music. But Wonderwall, you get on New Orleans train, Wonderwall is just blasting ear to ear. So, anyways, they start playing. They play Wonderwall. And so, I start singing. And they go, whoa. They look over. Hey, there's this old man singing. Yeah. So, it's fun. I'm having this group moment with these kids. Sure. And you want to be like, well, just keep singing. Put your phones down. Stop TikTok-ing. Right. But here's my note. So, they get to the first chorus, and we all sing. We're having fun. It's like, oh, now we're having a moment. Okay. It's like a soccer stadium. We're singing Oasis. This is probably the first time they've interacted in a group. And they're laughing. They're looking, oh, my God, this guy's joining in. So, then Sarah joins in, and it feels electric. Everyone's joining. They stop vaping. They stop looking at their phones. We're singing Wonderwall. Okay. But then, after the first chorus, they skip to Champagne Supernova. Ah. So, I'm like, all right, I guess we got a different song. We get to the chorus. The Champagne, which I never liked that song as much. It's like 20 minutes long. Yeah. Very redundant. Champagne. So, we sing this one. In the sky. After the first chorus. It goes to American Pie. They get to the first chorus. They skip song. They couldn't get through a song. Ah, the ADD kick in. They played 20. So, they're all vaping, looking at TikTok, and playing 20 seconds from each song. I'm like, just listen to the song. Well, you know what it is? They're conditioned with the Doom Scroll, the quick vids. Quick, quick, quick, quick. They can't get through 38 seconds. They got to cut it at 30. It's just brutal. So, you're like, we ended up having this fun moment, but I'm like, let's sing the second and third chorus. I'm like, let's sing the second chorus. Can't do it. But they have this thought of like, oh, there's another song that's fun. Right. But there's another song that's fun. Right, yes, yes. And this is them in a microcosm. 100%. They can't watch a movie. They can't do anything. They can't get through the 10 seconds. No, no. Everything is just small bites now. It's all bites. And it bites. That was a big thing when we were kids. It bites. Yeah. That's kind of gone. And then some people say, remember in Swingers, he goes, he bites everything from Scorsese. That used to mean steals. Oh, yeah. Bites was big. Then there's Gigabyte. Love Bites. Love Bites. Love Bites. I thought it was Hurts. That's a different song. Oh, OK. Love Hurts. There was a few of those. Love Stinks. There was Love Bites, Love Hurts, Love Stinks. I heard that on a train. Auschwitz. They're probably playing some tunes on there. Oh, yeah. Definitely. Take it back. Do, do, do, do. Take it back. My kid's now saying, that's cheeks when things suck. Cheeks. What's that mean? Like ass cheeks. - Cheeks. - Yeah, cheeks are good. - Yeah, that movie was Cheeks. What? No kidding. It's mid. I know mid. Mid is new. Which is mid. It was mid-summer a couple days ago. Huh? Oh, Night's Dream? But mid should be okay. Yes. Why is mid bad? No, mid is okay. No, they go, she's mid. Yeah, but that's what it means. She's not great. It's okay. Oh, all right. Well, they say it like it's negative. Like, ugh, that movie was mid. But okay is bad. Like, if you see a movie and you're like, it was okay. All right, I guess you're right. It's not great. Like, if someone's like, is she hot? She's okay. It's very similar. It's like, eh, passable. And it depends on the face, too. She's okay. Yeah. You know, she's like, she's okay. Yeah. But either way, you're not feeling good. That's true. Like, if you put out a special and you overhear someone going, it was okay, you're not like, yeah. True. Nailed it. True that. So I think mid, okay. Well, this is one. I tried this on stage. Could be something. About how language change. Decent was like a compliment. Decent. He was a decent man. Where like, Teddy Kennedy talking about RFK was like, he was a good and decent man. That's true. Now decent means like. Weak. He's never raped anyone, but he'll take photos of her as he's sleeping. Oh, is that right? That's decent. You know what I mean? Wow. I don't know about that. No, that's the joke. Oh, okay. I'm saying like, decent is like, you know, hey, he's a decent guy. You know, he fingered a woman without asking. But back in the day, decent was like, Abe Lincoln was like a decent man. Then there's also, if I'm not dressed, I'm not decent. Hey, indecent proposal. Indecent proposal. Well, it was a Frank Santorelli, an old Boston comic, had a joke about nude and naked. He's like, naked is like, get out of here, I'm naked. Yeah. Nude is like, come in, I'm nude. Oh, that's fun. That's one of those fun, simple old jokes. Love a joke like that. Get out of here, I'm naked. Isn't that fun to say every night? I thought about this. You know what's the least sexy word in bed? Sure. You know, if a girl's like, you want me to put my. You're digging my mouth. You go, sure. That just ruins everything. Can I tell you? If you go, oh, yeah, baby, do it. But sure. I'm literally writing a short film that I'm making. Yeah. Where the guy says to the woman, hey, want to have some sex? And she says, sure. Because it feels like a thing that you're like, that's not what I want, but it's okay. I'm okay with it. It's exactly like you're nailing it. That's like the feeling of like, all right. Yeah. You're like, you got the approval, but you're like, come on. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Some of these women, they need classes on like, just little. I know. Tweaks. Give me some enthusiasm. Tweet like 1% better every week. If you just said. Fuck yeah. Fuck me. Yes. Come on. Or like. Rail me. Sometimes I'll be like, we got to have sex tonight. And my wife's like, all right, cool. Yeah. I'm like, could you just say, absolutely. I need to get fucked. Right, right. It would make such a difference. It really would. My whole life would improve. 30% if you yes anded with some vigor. God, do I want. Easy. Vigor, please. But yeah, I know what you mean, though. Well, it goes both ways. Because I remember hanging out with a lady, a friend of mine. And she was like, I just sent some nudes to this guy I like. And he wrote back, thanks. So guys aren't great either. Because you got to write like, whoa, mamacita, hotter than a pistol. Well, I'm that guy. I'm always like. You're so hot. Oh, my god. This is crazy. I never stopped jerking off to you. I was on the road. I jerked off to you nine times. I got a folder, the Sarah folder with a million photos. There's no Joe folder. No, no folder for you. They delete that one, right in the trash. So like they're pinning on us, Joe. We know a guy who wakes his wife up with sex. Oh, that's right. Where you at with that? I think that's-- you're not allowed to do that, I don't think. That's all right. But it's his wife. She's into it. But I mean, she's into it after she wakes up. She's into it. Well, yeah, I don't know. But I've asked her about it, and she's like, yeah, it's fun. He knows both people in the couple. All right. I mean, I guess if she likes it. I mean, I've tried. But as long as you're waking up first. No. No, no, no. So she's coming, too, and he's inside of her. Yes. He's coming, too. I mean, I think that's not great. It's not great, but it's a wife, and it's cleared. But is it cleared any time? Hey, any time you-- Any time I'm sleeping, you fucking throw it right at me. I think so. And I think he took a risk by the first time. And he goes, was that cool? I took a risk. And she goes-- my favorite all-time line. But he took a risk, and then he goes, was that cool? She goes, I loved it. And he goes, all right, can I do it more? She goes, do it whenever you want. Interesting. I mean, I guess if you have the whenever you want. But it doesn't look good on paper. No, no, it doesn't. Me to me. Fucking sleeping woman, yeah. All right. Fucking sleeping woman is tricky. Well, you know, that's the whole controversy with "Obsession," the movie "Obsession." I've heard this. There's a large contingency that thinks the whole movie's about rape, and the whole thing's rape. My wife said the same thing. She was like, I didn't like that part. That part was no good. No bueno. Well, and how about this? Another flaw, I think, in "Obsession" is the guy is totally mis-- have you seen the film? No. The guy is totally miscast-- Good looking guy. --in my opinion, because he's like a hot-- what do you mean? No, no, the lead nerd. The lead actor. That's his movie. He directed it. He came up with the-- Is that right? That blonde guy? He's not blonde. He's dark. He looks exactly like Billy Crudup. Yes. He looks so much like young Billy Crudup, it took me out of the movie. I'm like, it's like I'm watching Crudup. He didn't look bad shirtless either, by the way. Well, so this-- This guy? Curry? Oh, this guy. Yeah. Yeah, just definitely not a blonde guy. That's a cute guy. Michael. Michael. That's the guy that made the movie, you're saying. This guy, Curry. Yes. Curry Barker. Is he British? What kind of name is Curry Barker? Might be Indian. Curry. That's what I-- He's from Alabama. Whoa. Alabama. Curry. Alabama. Well, so anyways, in my opinion, the lead is miscast because he's like a hot jock guy. And the whole movie is based on him being like, why can't I just say I like her? Right. Let me look at this fucking guy. He's an Adonis. Yeah, come on. And the premise is him being like, I want to say I like her, but I can't. And I don't know what to do. I wish she just liked me. Exactly. And he should be a nerd. He should be like a guy like Michael Cera or somebody like that. Yes, yes. But Rana hit the point. He's like, no, they can't do that. Because then it feels-- Oh. --super bananas rapey. Oh. Because the whole movie, he has a spell on this woman. He's fucking her. And there's no spoilers here. But if it's like an ugly nerd guy, the audience is more like, oh my god. Yeah, that's true. So they have to cast a hot guy. Because otherwise, it's like-- That's true. --Jesus. But it just feels so weird to have the buffest, square-jawed, handsome boy be like, well, I don't know. I just want her to like me. Yeah, that's true. Now, what do you think of the cat theory? Cat theory? I don't know the cat theory. I said it in the text. Tell me again. Well, I don't want to ruin the movie. But there's all these Reddit things about how his cat dies. Oh, yes, yes, yes. The cat. And the theory is that when she becomes obsessed with him through the wish, she reincarnates as his cat. She waits in the corner. She shits on the floor. She waits for him to get home. She brings him gifts. Oh. All very cat-like. Oh, that's good. It's pretty good. I don't know if it's right or wrong. But either way, it adds up. It's interesting. Because that-- Mm-hmm. --doesn't work. It does make-- that's another flaw with the movie. This makes no sense that she's pissing and shitting herself. It doesn't make-- there's so many flaws in the movie. Agreed. I think he was trying to be funny with a lot of that, too. But it didn't really go over. He used to make comedy skits, that Curry fella. Well, it's a very funny movie. There's a lot of good comedy in it. Yeah. So I'm glad you brought up Michael Cera, because it ties in with Juno from the last episode. He had sex with Elliot Page during Juno. What do you mean? In the scene? Ellen Page. No, they had Elliot Page. Ellen, when the movie was made. Oh, careful. But when the movie was made, it was Ellen. She was always Elliot Page, though, is the point. Anyway, so she was always Elliot Page. So that's what I'm asking you. Did he have gay sex with Elliot Page? I don't think so. Well, this is the thing that's-- Not in the movie. In real life, they had sex in between scenes. Oh, they did. OK, they dated. Not dated, just sex during filming. Yeah, but she was a woman with a vagina named Ellen at the time. We're over an hour, guys. That's OK. But right? I mean, right? No, yeah, she had a vagina. She was going as a woman at the time, yes. Well, this is a weird thing, because I just had this where I was talking to a person whose sibling is now transitioned, but they were talking about-- they said-- Guy to girl? Girl to guy. Girl to guy. So was a woman, now a boy, a man, whatever. But then their sibling was talking about, oh, when so-and-so, let's say Brett, was a kid, he was sick and whatever. And it was confusing to me, because when the story took place, Brett was Sheila. So that's why I was like, wait, what? But I guess you just always refer to them as your brother now, even though for whatever, 22 years, it was your sister. I know, it's very confusing. So it's very confusing, because I'm like, well, it's almost like Michael Richards and Kramer. I'm like, well, Kramer didn't say the N-word. Michael Richards did. I'm like, your brother didn't have appendicitis. Your sister did. Yeah, I wasn't trying on my brother's bra. Right. Yeah. Like, you didn't have sex with Elliott. You had sex with Ellen, who's now Elliott. Who's now Elliott. Why is that offensive? That's what it was. I don't think it's offensive. It's just confusing when you're listening to the story, because you're like, your brother? Who the fuck is your brother? If you go the other way, by that logic, you could say you fucked this person yesterday, but they were four. You see what I'm saying? Because you could just-- that's what they used to be. Right. That's a stretch. But you get what I'm saying? They used to be a kid. Then they used to be a woman. Now they're a man. Uh-huh. Yeah, I fucked a five-year-old. I fucked a five-year-old, because they We're five at one point. Over an hour, guys. What are you, the Nazi? We're having fun over here. Music on train. Gee whiz. All right. Where are you going to be there, Sloppy? I have no idea. Tacoma, Portland. I mean, some of these dates may have passed. I don't know. Spokane, Jeremy Spokane. I got Philly Helium coming up. I got Toronto coming up. I got, I don't know. The Skank Fest doc will come out at some point. Hell yeah. Tom, Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian. All kinds of fun stuff going on out there. Go to Punch-Up. That's the best thing you can do. Go to punchup.com slash show list. Sign up for my email list. Tons and tons and tons of shit on there. Oh, yeah. San Fran for me. Houston. Zanies in Nashville. Pittsburgh. That one is not moving. So come on out to Pittsburgh. Calgary to meet your Wayne Gretzky whore. And Minneapolis, Denver, Madison, to name a few. Portland, Oregon. And San Jose. Oh, God. Hand, foot, mouth. Hand, foot, mouth, folks. Colin, if you have a cure, if you're on a train with music, what do you got there? Sioux C. If you love comedy and you want to see how the sausage is stuffed, please go watch. Mark Norman has a great doc called Pushing Boulder on YouTube. Just look up Mark Norman Pushing Boulder. Throw Paige's stage in there. And Paige's stage two is on there, too. One of them has 500,000 views already. That's pretty good for a doc, wouldn't you say, Joe? That's very good. Half a mil. And the other one's pushing a quarter mil. So, hey, not too shabby. Sal Cuse is killing it as a director. We're going to get defunded. We can't play the music. They'll charge us. Jesus Christ. All right. We'll see you in hell, folks. Cleave it up. Praise Allah. Comedy. I'm in the heavens where legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe.