#663 2C or Not 2C

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. I think we keep it all in. That's good behind the scenes. Here we go. All right, folks. Let me pull up my notes for the weekend. Here we are. Yeehaw! We're back. Sally's on the ones and twos. We got rid of choo-choo train. Why'd you just roll your eyes? People hate me. Well, they're going to know you're here. They hate everybody. They hate Chuck. They hate you. Well, they like Rupert. They do? I don't know if they know Rupert. Okay. They haven't seen Rupert. If they saw him, they'd hate him. I don't know. There'd have to be two photos on Instagram where you kind of do the thing. That's a wide lens. But no, I think they like Lex. I think they like you, Matt. They like you just fine. Yeah, you're the Qs. Don't listen to the 17 Reddit threads. Oh, yeah, please. You don't have a mic, so that's good. Smart. Although we might need you to Google some stuff. Yeah, there it is. My new soda. Boy, we are going to lose a lot of great artists in a short amount of time. Did we talk about this? AI? No, no. Death. Pacino, De Niro, Scorsese, Spielberg, Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr. Nicholson. Jack Nicholson. Yeah, I mean, any minute with that son of an onion. Oh, yeah. He's a death dick. I mean, Bill Cosby. Ooh. Who are the other guys? Harvey Weinstein. All the greats. Think of all these amazing artists that are around in their 80s. You got a point there, Fatty. I mean, they're right there. It's just got to be a fucking train of death. I know. I saw a tweet the other day. It said Paul McCartney passed 81 to 82. And I was like, what are you doing to me? I thought he croaked. Well, that's just crazy talk. Michael Richards, by the way. I mean, he's in his mid-70s. Jerry's 72, although he might go to 150. Woody Allen. Woody Allen. He's on death's door, for God's sake. What about LD? He's got to be close. Larry David. He's got to be close to 80. But he's healthy as an ox. He's a Jew ox. He eats nuts and drinks pomegranate juice. Jocks. Well, also, Allen, our therapist. He's 80. Oh, yeah. I thought he was like 75. He's 80. Yeah. He's got a tough look. Yoda. He's old as shit. I'm just looking at Harrison Ford. He's 80. Matt Salicus. Yeah, yeah. Ruby. Ari's. Ari's one foot in the grave. Jeff Bridges has had cancer. Is that right? He's fucking 77. He's something. Oh, yeah. I mean. Just rewatch Lebowski. Bruce Campbell has cancer. Bruce Campbell. The soup guy? Soup guy. No, no. You know, Bruce Campbell from Evil Dead. Evil Dead 2. Not Dawn of the Dead, you fuckstick. Now they're really going to hate you. Jesus. Evil Dead. Army of Darkness. He's in, you know, the other Sam Raimi. He makes a cameo in Fargo, by the way. Fun fact. Hey, there you go. And Spider-Man. All those guys are going. What's his face? The Coens. I guess they got a little time. They got some time. William H. Macy's in the 70s. Yeah, that shocked me. Sylvester Stallone. Oh, God. He's older than a fart. That's true. Tom Cruise has got to be up there. Wow. I mean, Cruise is a little bit younger than these guys. That's true. That's true. Some say the last movie star. Oh, yeah. I've heard that. I've heard that. Tough to say. Well, now Drewski and I Show Speed are more famous than all these queefs. I've never heard of any of those people. You got to get on the cable television. Well, Brad Pitt, by the way, he's a movie star. I don't get this last movie star. He's a huge movie star. I heard this about Matt Damon, too. Wasn't Matt Damon the last movie star? Because he came 20 full years after Tom Cruise. That's true. He's certainly a movie star. He is a movie star, yeah. But I don't get Damon. Like, I don't see the specialness in Damon. No Damon. I don't mind Damon. I just don't think he doesn't have that legend status to me. Well, when you look at his filmography. I think we did this recently. Some of me and someone did this. He only has, like, a handful of, like, bangers. Bangers, yeah. He's got Goodwill, Out of the Gate, Came in Hot. Goodwill Hunting. And then he had, like, School Ties, Get Out of Here. The DePak. I guess it's the DePak. But he's just, you know, he's a small part in that, basically. The Martian, I hated that movie. Small part in. Oh, The Martian, that was big. Born. The Born. He's in The Born. Born in the USA. I never got into The Born. I'm not a Born. I'm not a Born guy. I'm not a Born guy. It's all white guy fighting. I can't. I didn't want to jump through a window and then, you know, whatever. I don't give a shit about. I get bored. These guys who watch Kung Fu. It's just. Oh, Saving Private Ryan. That was big. The Ocean's Eleven. Those are fun. Those are fun. Ford vs. Ferrari. He's been in a couple big ones. Talented Mr. Ripley. But then he did We Bought a Zoo. Rounders is great. I love Rounders. Shout out to our boy. We Bought a Zoo brings him down eight notches. Yeah. Well, everyone's got some. Shit, he's contagion. That's cool. Yeah. But he's in the new Troy or whatever. Oh, yeah, yeah. The Christopher Nolan thing. The Odyssey. True Grit. He's got a small role. I just don't. I just see him as Matt Damon. I'm never, like, transformed. You see De Niro or Daniel Gay-Lewis and you're like, wow, he was a cobbler. Yeah, yeah. Well, no one competes with Daniel Gay. But then you see Matt Damon. You go, oh, it's that guy from Boston as a knight in the rounding. I see what you mean. That's all. He doesn't transform like Elliot Page. I suppose. She's in that movie, by the way. He. He. Jesus. Come on. What's the name now? Isn't that the old name? Oh, Elliot's the new name. Yeah, Elliot Ness. What was the name before? Ellen. Ellen Page. That's right. Juno. Yeah, Daniel Day-Lewis is the fucking greatest. How about this for a, is this anything? Hey, if Israel goes away, maybe the Jews will go away. Maybe the Jews can go to Alaska. Juno? Yeah. The guy goes, Juno. Well, you tried a similar Juno. I did. On the last episode. Oh, it's all a blur. We were like, because I brought up Juno because of Jason Reitman. And then you were like, oh, Juno. So you're really pushing this Juno angle. I think there's something there. I don't know. All right, Juno. I'm not so sure. But maybe. What is Juno? There was also a Bruin player, Joey Juno. Oh, that's a good name. Joey Juno, number 49. Doesn't it get weird? Those things are just locked in your head. I know. You've got a million of them. It hasn't played in 27 years. But I can just, Joey Juno, number 49. What we do with Seinfeld, we do with Goodfellas, we do it with all these movies. Oh, yeah. This stuff just lodged. There's a great Tony V joke, the comedian. He had a joke about, yeah, you can go ahead and tell me whatever you're going to tell me, but I got Bon Jovi lyrics up here, and they're not going anywhere. How funny is that? True. It's Bon Jovi lyrics, and they're just there. They're stuck in there. The cement is dry. So tell me whatever story you're going to tell me, but it ain't getting in here. But Joey Juno. Joey Juno. Wouldn't you love to have an alliteration? Yeah. I mean, I'm illiterate, but I would love to have like a Nick Norman. Yeah. Or a- Mark Maron. Yeah. Who else? Rick Rubin. Joey Juno. Yeah. Joey Juno. Rick Rubin. And then people call you JJ. Well, my name sucks. Joe sucks. Well, it's just- I'm done with Joe. It's common. It's the most common. John Doe, Joe Doe. Joe. Hey, Joe. Not your average Joe. Cup of Joe. Joe Sixpack. Joe Ramey. Joe Ramey. Joe and the Juice. Joe and the Juice. Uh, yeah. Joe's will not replace us. It's just, it's no good. And List is one syllable. It's just gay. Joe List stinks. What if you did Joey? Joey. Joey List. You get the double sill with the one sill at the end. Well, it all comes back to Luke List. Oh, hell, baby. Oh, that's a name. Luke. Now we're getting somewhere. That way when I'm getting booed, I can pretend it's Luke. Hey, there you go. Luke is so strong. Luke is big. Luke is big. Skywalker. Monus. Yes, yes. Luke, that's a funny word. Could I use that? I like things you don't have to think about. The jar is round. Luke is good. So where the hell have you been? Whoa, upside down and inside out. I got some stories. I mean, live stories from last week I didn't get to. I got all kinds of shit. Oh, baby doll. Uh, well, that one sucks. This is nothing. Uh-huh. Lost my hat. We went over that. Uh, oh, yeah. I got some shit, man. I still got old. I got some old stuff from Ireland, England, but I got a couple things from this week. I'll give you the fresh. Let me give you the fresh. Yes, yes. Eat fresh. Well, yesterday, and people, they may not be on my side on this because they love to just argue and call me retarded, which, by the way, if you're just, this is a note to everybody about some certain stuff, just online in general. We got a note. If you're ever going to, if someone says something you disagree with, whether it be politics, film, the basis of all this. Civil war. And you just write, you're retarded. Right. You're the retard. Yeah. Make an argument and then end it with, you retard. There you go. I see all these people all the time. Trump people, liberal people, movie people. You think that? You're a fucking retard. You're uneducated. Yeah. You're like, well, where's your education? Give me something. Give me some words. Give me some, explain your situation. Prove me wrong. Imagine that in court. Uh, what do you think? You're uneducated. honor. You're retarded. Yeah. No, you've got to have an argument. Cross-examination. He's a moron. Yeah, I object. What are you talking about? Give anything. If you're not making a case, you're just an asshole clogging up the internet. I think they go, oh, this guy's so far off, he doesn't even deserve my expertise, so I'll just call him retarded. And you're like, yeah, but you can't do that, because now you're retarded. Right. Some of these people do it, and you're like, an easy Google search, and you're just totally wrong for saying I'm wrong. But anyways. You know what we should do? We should give money to people who go, you were right, I was wrong. Right. Those people should get money, so then they're actually incentivized to do that, because no one will do that anymore. Yeah. Because if you get called retarded, then you send them a link to a Google thing, and they go, shit, I was wrong. Give them $4. Reparations. Reparations. Reparations. Wrong reparations. Well, I have a friend that we got, one of my closest friends, two of them, we got into a long debate before this. It was election cycle, and it was heated, and within like six weeks, they called, and I was tearfully being like, I'm so wrong, I'm an idiot, I'll never do it again. Feehan? No, no, no, she's staying strong. Okay. But anyways. Boss is strong. You tell me where I'm at on this one, and yesterday was Father's Day. I didn't realize. You have all these new things you have to remember. Yesterday. Anniversaries, birthdays. I was listening to that album on the way here. Hey. How about that? How about that? That's a hell of a record. Shot in the face. So, that was the other one. So, I'm flying out of Calgary. I'm in Calgary. Oh, hey. Canada. Great weekend. The Great White Way. So, I got all emotional and gay, because I wasn't thinking it's Father's Day. That's what I was going to say. All of a sudden, you have to remember a wedding anniversary 40 years into your life. You got to remember a kid's birthday 42 years into your life. Ah, can't do it. All my day, I got Bon Jovi lyrics. Exactly. It's all taken up. So, Father's Day, my father's gay. I took a flight from Calgary. I'm getting in at 530. It takes seven hours to get to my house from the airport. So, I'm like, I'm just missing Father's Day. I know. I got home at six. Very sad. And so, whatever. I changed flights. I'm like, oh, I had a connection in Minneapolis, yada, yada. I moved to a WestJet, which is operated by Delta. They're like cousins. Okay. What's up, cuz? Kissing cousins. So, I get on a WestJet premium class. They don't have first class. They have premium class. Canada. Same amount of money, whatever. So, now, I'm flying to Calgary. Canada. Canada. So, I'm flying WestJet. You know what it reminded me of being on WestJet? Cuz I fly Delta so much. I felt like George Bailey in Pottersville. I'm like, take me back. Yes. Get me back. Yes. You know what I mean? I'm like, everything's a little bit different. A little bit wacky. It's just a little off. Something's off. Well, Canada's like that in general. Sarah always says that. She's like, you meet a guy and he's a little weird. You're like, he's Canadian. Yeah, cuz they don't have Starbucks. They got Tim Hortons. They don't have fries. They got poutine. They don't have blackface. They got brownface. They're right there. It's just a little bit off-kilter. They're just wearing their hats a little bit different. They're just a little silly. A little hooked. But any farts. So, I get on WestJet. Great weekend. I can get into that later. Just the fucking best weekend of my life. It was awesome. That club rules. I love. Great room. I work with this guy named Jarvis. Young twink of a boy. Hilarious. He killed. Okay. And he's one of these guys. He's like 23. He's like, I like stand-up. I want to be good at stand-up. I hate TikTok. I hate this. All right. He's a good man. Good for you, Jar. Jarhead. So, look out for Jarvis. Jar Jar Binks. Something rather. But, so I get on the WestJet flight. Kanye WestJet. Now, first, I'm going through security in Calgary. Uh-oh. And I have this one. You know, I hate the ones where you put your suitcase in and they shuffle it. It's like a robot that shuffles. You know what I'm talking about? There's like five slots with like the little Jeopardy divider. Oh, I hate the slots. Yes, I hate that one. I like the rope. Oh, the conveyor. And you have to just go. Yes, yes. And you got to like jam your thing in there. It's just, it's horrible. And there's a lady of color going, all right, sir. Don't push. Okay. Hello. And you're like, all right, what do I know? I don't work here. Not in Canada, it's not. There's a man of no color saying, okay, hey, you fucking knucklehead, loose knuckle. So, anyways, so I jam the thing in there. And then it's the one where it automates the robot, either sends it down the we're going to check this out aisle, or it goes down the you're free to go. You got snagged. So, whatever was going on there, everything was going in the snagged. I hate the snag, snagglepuss. And I mean everything. 75% of the bet, it would just go. So, we had a line of people. And I kind of became the leader. You know, I'm an alpha. Sure. So, and I was sitting on the table, the big metal table. I was the cool guy because my suitcase came through. So, I had my feet up on the suitcase sitting on the thing like a gargoyle, you know? Yes, yes, gargoyle. So, I was like, hey, this is fucking crazy. And everyone was looking up at me like, it is crazy. You're saying it's crazy. What's crazy? Yeah. And I'm doing this thing. I'm like, I got to tell you, I fly everywhere. Look at that. Look at all these bets. And they lined up so far that it stacked up so none of them could get through. So, there was like literally like 40 people and they had one fucking douche. One queef doing the checking. Going through the checking. Yeah, he puts the gloves on. He goes, is there anything pointy in here? Is there a peg, a dildo, a knife? You understand everything. There's this one guy and he's doing the, the guy getting checked is a 155-year-old guy. Yep. Bald with his shirt tucked in. He looks like Salicus in three years. Just an old asshole, bald, ugly. So, they're taking out his shirts and his shirts are all folded in hangers. They're doing this. And then I pulled this one. I'm like, hey, I don't want to be, you know, politically incorrect, but this guy doesn't actually, he doesn't look like much of a terror. And the lady's like, I know, it's crazy. Whoa. You know, you put a little subtle racism in there. It's nice. Are we in Min or are we in? This is in Cal. This is in Cal. Okay. Because I got the direct flight. Got it. So, you're going out of Cal. Leaving Cal. Leaving Cal. And the whole thing, and there's a couple of guys, I'm like, this is nuts. You ever see anything like this? This is great. So, we had a whole pact. We had a group. Yes, yes. You're commiserating. But you're like, this is untenable. I mean, there's literally all of the soup, all the bags are going into the check. This is how you miss a flight. Remember that flight I missed to Phoenix with you? Oh, yeah. That's why. The backup. It's just, it's crazy. So, there's one guy going through all the things, and I'm like, this is just wild. Finally, he gets the old man on his way, and now we're becoming friends. We're like, oh, my bag. And then the people are like, both my bags are over there. Yeah, both my bags are over there. It was kind of fun. Yeah, commiserating. So, finally, it comes to my bag. Then he does this. He just looks at the screen. He goes, you're good. What is that? Didn't go in my bag or anything. I'm like, that's it? I hate it. Now I waited for nothing. It's like when there's a traffic jam, and you get up there, and it's a fender bender. You're like, I want to see blood and jizz. I want to see cum dripping out of his ass. Dead babies. Zeman. That's too far. I'm sorry. I got to drink less coffee. Let me put that down. Maybe we should send Salakus up with some coffee. Oh, yeah. I'm kidding, of course. I'm joking, folks. Hi there, folks. This episode is brought to you by our new number one favorite sponsor, Fabletics. We are literally both. We're wearing matching Fabletics shorts. Bam. It's almost like they're messing with us. I know. I've gotten more packages every day. Crazy. It feels like Christmas. I really have to recommend Fabletics. A lot of times, we have sponsors. We don't know anything about them, whatever. A lot of times, it's certain products that I don't really even use. Wait a minute. That doesn't look like Fabletics. Oh, maybe it is, now that I'm seeing the sleeve. I don't know. It doesn't matter. Oh. Fabletics. There it is. That's all I wear. They have collared shirts, hoodies, sweatshirt, active gear, dress pants. I'm literally wearing Fabletics every single day, everywhere I go. Same. I work out in Fabletics. I wear Fabletics to a big show. They've sent me socks, hoodies, jackets, zip-ups, everything. This stuff is so, so good. I can't recommend it enough. Primo. You can sign up for VIP Fabletics. Check out Fabletics Don Polo in shorts for a day. I don't even need to read. I don't need to read this stuff. Golf stuff. I went golfing with my father. I wore 100% Fabletics. He was like, what is this? I've never seen you dress like this. Yes. I'm doing it because Fabletics is the best. Tell them how to do it. Tell them what you love. I love it. It's all I wear as well. I can't believe you hung out with your dad. Shop now at Fabletics.com slash Tuesdays to get 70% to 80% off everything when you sign up as a new VIP. Take the style quiz and be sure to select Tuesdays when prompted to unlock this offer. This is a limited time offer, so don't. Wait. Again, that's Fabletics.com slash Tuesdays for 70% to 80% off everything as a new VIP. Fabletics.com slash Tuesdays. You're going to love this stuff. I get compliments on it all the time. Feels great. Looks great. Thank you for everything, Fabletics. All right. So you got your bag. So we get through. So now I got my suitcase, my backpack, and I feel great. I go to a little store. They have all these airplanes. So I'm shy. I buy an airplane for this kid. I buy an airplane for that kid. Do the shopping. Go and have a nice breakfast. The waitress at the bar, the bartender lady, I think she recognized me. Very flirtatious, very smiley, very attractive. You remember those moments in the robe where you're like, how about I move here? How about I change your life? I think about it all the time. Let me take you to New York. You can be my second family. You're in this dead-end job. You work at the airport in Cal. Ugh. Come home. Come to New York. I'll get you an apartment across the street. Let me do you a favor. Yeah. I'll eat you out. I'll eat you out every couple days. Beautiful. And buy your meals. Yeah. I feel like I could really change some lives, you know? I like that. Anyways, she said no. Okay. So then, now it's time to board. I go get my coffee. I make my phone calls, and I go, oh, it's boarding time. I better get up there. I have this. Boarding time. Have you ever had this? You're walking up. I don't even break stride. As I'm walking, they go, now boarding zone one. I don't even have to shuffle my feet or stuff. I walk straight up, and I go. I love that. Now, I'm a charming guy. You know. Sure, sure. Lucky charms. I go, hey, how about this timing? Is this something? The lady goes, passport. Oh, here we go. So she's immune to my thing, and I'm going to tell you about this lady. Kryptonite. She's fat. Yeah, that's how they get you. She's big and fat. Not good. Horn-rimmed glasses. Already bad. And her front teeth are stained almost to the point where I'm like, did someone take a brown paintbrush and swipe you? Boy, you could turn on a dime. You went from, hey, I'm going to charm the panties off of this coos, and then fuck your fat glasses, you dirty tooth cunt. Just the most disgusting, wretched human I've ever seen. Yeah. Yeah. But I go, yeah, hey, well, how about this timing? I didn't have to break stride. Passport. I go, oh, yeah, yeah. There goes passport. Now, it's not a perfect moment, but hey, passport. Yeah, sorry about that. Tough crowd. She goes, that bag's not going to fit. Oh, come on. You're not going to fit, you big tub of jizz. Exactly. I go, really? And I'm trying to be friendly, nice, and I fucked up. Where am I wrong? You got to check your, what's my fault in this? And I go. Accountability. I go, are you sure? Really? Yeah, not going to fit. She's like, you can test it. And the thing, they have that test thing. I hate the test. Which is half the size of the actual thing. I know. What is that? It's like this. And I'm like, no bag will fit in this. No, no. A purse won't fit in there. And I go, and she goes, yeah, you're going to have to talk to her, because your passport is not whatever, some shit. Talk to her. She sends me to this lady. What'd she see? You're live at Gotham? I mean, this feels personal. I have no idea, but it did feel personal. I was like, okay. All right. So I go over to this lady, and she's like, yeah, this lady's nicer. She's like, yeah, you got to test it. Let's see. And she looks at it, and I'm like, well, I can just tell you, it's not going to fit in this thing. And I'm like, I don't understand. What kind of plane is this? And we've talked about this before. I know my alley. I know my equipment. He knows a plane. CRJ 900, that's the smallest plane. That's the regional Cleveland, Detroit, little Syracuse flights. The old puddle jumper. Two seats on one side of the other. It fits in there. You got to stuff it, but it'll fit. Okay, okay. So I say. The lady, I'm like, this is an international cross-continent flight. It's like a four-hour flight. I'm like, this won't fit in there? And she's like, we went down there. It's tiny, tiny. I know. I don't know how much it's fishy. And I'm like, really? Wow. Okay. So you're kind of like, you want to be, and I wish I was one of these guys that's like, fuck you. I'm bringing it on. But I was like, really? That doesn't play at the airport, I don't think. I was like, wow. Okay. And I kept saying, CRJ 900, thinking they'll be like, this guy's impressive. Sure. He knows his numbers. C3PO. It fits on those, like those regional planes. Yeah, I know. I know. But also, you got it here. Of course. How different are these planes? So I go, wow. All right. But it's WestJet. That's the other thing. Ah, WestJet. It's not Delta. So I'm not as comfortable. So I'm like, all right. And all I'm thinking is, I desperately want to get home to my son on Father's Day. I haven't seen him in three days. I haven't been away from him for four months. He's crying on FaceTime going, I just want to get home. I want you. When are you going to come home? So this is going to cost me, because it's an extra half hour waiting for your fucking suitcase. That's true. So I go, all right. You know, I don't want to be an asshead. So I go, OK. So she puts the thing. And she's like, you leave it on the jetway. Oh, I hope you brought it on. So I'm walking down there. And it's not at the, some of the times, they're at the door. Yeah, that's true. It's just halfway down. There's a big stop sign. Leave your bag here. Oh, I know the halfway. I leave the bag. And everything in me is like, how could there possibly be an international cross-continent flight over the line that doesn't have room? Crazy. But I go, all right. I leave it there. I walk the rest of the 50 feet. Uh-oh. Flight attendant. I walk on the plane. I'm in first class, premium, excuse me, 3F. I walk in. I am the third person on the plane. There's two elderly people that had early boarding, whatever. Plane is empty. Both sides full, just regular. Overhead. Overhead. Whoa. Absolutely normal, regular overhead on both sides. And it's open. And it's open. All the way down. Oh, this is infuriating. I go, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm going to go grab my suitcase. The lady's like, whoa, whoa, you can't get off the plane once you stepped on the plane. That's how they get you. All these damn gay rules. And I go, no, no, my suitcase is right there. These people told me I can't. I had to check my bag. And she's like, well, it's a full flight. And I was like, full flight? I'm on third. I'm in first class. Yes. I was like, I'm diamond. I'm the third person on the plane. She's like, if it's there, it's already been checked. And I'm like, no, no, it's not been checked. No, no, no, no. It's right up there. It's 40 feet up there. And she's like, I cannot let you FAA. You cannot get off the airplane. And I'm like, can you grab it? Like, seriously, could you just grab it? It's right there. And she's like, there's a reason. If they checked it, they checked it for a reason. And I'm like, no, no, they told. I was like a manager at an umpire. I've never been this guy. I turned my hat around like Earl Weaver. I was like, they told me I wouldn't be able to fit in there. It's wide open. And then, how about this? I get on the plane. Nobody ever even took those spots. Across, they had kids over there. So they're all checked. So above me and across from me, empty, full level, just nothing. Nothing. I'm eating here. So I was, I couldn't get over it. I was raged. I get it. And I made a scene. I'm not a scene maker. I know this is ridiculous. I was like, this is ridiculous. My suitcase is 30 feet up that way. Oh, you went caroling. I'm like, look at that. Like, there's empty space here. That's my space. My space. Good app. So I get on. I'm sitting there. And I'm literally like, and you have this feeling of like, should I wipe boogers on here? Should I take a shit in the overhead? I'm going to punch this lady. Say the N word. So then I'm sitting there for like 20 minutes. I'm texting Sarah. I'm like, I'm fucking, I'm fucking. And it's just sickening to me. And then people are coming on with their regular, literally bigger than mine. Just throwing them in. Wow. Everyone. Everyone. Everyone. Everyone's walking by with these cases. She must hate the regs. Something's going on here. I hate the regs. So I'm sitting there and now I'm just breathing. I can't even breathe good. I'm like, like a child. Yeah. And then that fat, slob, dirty tooth, cunt piece of shit comes back on the plate. So now I'm like everything I've ever wanted. I'm like, there she is. The enemy. That's Darth Vader. I'm like. They're holding me back, Jerry. I picture the plate when she gets on going. It was crazy. And I'm like, you fucking cunt. And then I make eye contact with, and I'm staring at her. Yes. Like a fucking, like, I'm like Pedro Martinez and Gary Sheffield. I'm just looking at her. Hell yeah. You motherfucker. I love badminton. Then she comes up to me and goes, uh, I need your ID. Whoa. So now she's not only, she's back on the plane. She's on the plane for me. Whoa. And I go, why? She goes, I need to see your ID. We didn't check. We didn't check you in properly. And I was like, I don't understand. The lady looked at my passport for five minutes up there, which is true. She was like going through my passport. I'm like, what is this? Huh? I gotta catch my breath. Are you, you're, are you causing a scene? Are people looking like, what's going on with the, uh, the guy with the, the chinless? Not at this. I've caused a scene at the beginning, but I was like literally like the third person. So only the two people behind me really saw the scene. I thought it was a full house at this point. But she's like, we just need to check your ID. She didn't check you in properly. And I was like, you guys got to learn how to check people in, I guess. I'm like, I'm on the plane. I went through security. I went through the ticket. I'm sitting here. This is my seat. Joseph List, 3F. She's like, may I just see your passport? I go, yeah, here's my passport. I'm like, I don't, you guys are not good at things. You're not good at things. And she goes, excuse me? I said, look at this space. And literally it's empty above me. I was like, that's empty. This is empty. I have a regular size bag. I was like, that bag is literally, literally twice the size of my bag. Yes. And she's like, we had to be strict, sir. What? And I go, strict what? I was like, what are you talking about? I hate this lady. And then she just left the plane. Whoa, Father's Day. So I went back to fuming. The whole flight I'm fuming. Yes. Then I get off. I'm texting this guy. I'm like, I'm going to have one last word with the flight attendant lady, who is not fully at fault, but let me go get my fucking bag. Of course. It's right there, you fucking C word. These rules are silly. So then I go, when I was leaving, it's packed. I go. I just got to reiterate one last time. It is absolutely ridiculous that they told me. And I was like, that lady is a moron and has no manners or something like that. And rude. I said, she's a moron and she's rude. I'm like, that's a crazy amount of space. Normal, normal space. I love it. And she went, I know. I know. I'm sorry. She was very sweet. Kind of hot Asian lady. That's something. Can I take a big swing here? Matt's taking a swing. No microphone. Kind of black lady. No black. Oh, no. This lady was Asian. Edit that. Jesus. No, no. That's Canada, for God's sakes. That's why I took a big swing. That was a hell of a swing and a miss. No, no. If it was black, I would have been lacing up some slurs. Are you kidding? Of course. This is a white fucking plastic bag piece of shit. It's almost worse when they're white because you can't blame it on anything. You can't be like, ah, she's black. No wonder. But it did feel like, weirdly personal. I'm like, I don't understand. I'm like, right when I came in. It's like, whoop, whoop, whoop. Nah, she saw Sweat the Small Stuff or Small Ball or whatever. Yeah, I was raging. Machine. And somehow, I know there'll be some fans that are like, you're a cunt, you're rough, but I mean, I'm talking literally four on either side, no bags above me. Yeah. Just, yeah, it's not going to fit. I know. This is hell. I'm the asshole because I knew, and I should have just taken it. You got to walk it on. And then, once I'm on the plane, if it doesn't fit, I go, oh shit, sorry. Exactly. And I know airplanes. Yes. It's like this with Starbucks and other things. Like, you think because you work for the airline, you should know the most. But, it's like the veterinarian theory. I got to see a chicken, a dog, a horse, a cat. I know everything. Good point. I'm on every kind of plane. I'm on West Delta, little flights, big flights, private flights, huge flights. I actually know airplanes better than the ticket lady. Yeah, the fat tooth brown. Yeah, she's just sitting up, she doesn't know how to keep a tooth clean. Exactly. I always say this with eating out girls. I'm like, I've eaten out 900 women, you've eaten out none. That's good. I know a pussy better than you, bitch. Absolutely. I'll give you a gyno. And you have a pussy, but you have one pussy. You have one pussy. I've had black, white, Asian, dirty, fat, smelly, clean. Well, never black. Yikes. I've done it. No, me too. African. I told that story in Minneapolis. The microphone just fell off. No, I never run. I never run. Oh, okay. Is that better or worse? It's just nerve wracking. I got a dangling mic here. But, anyways. That's going to be clinging and clanging all night. I told you. I had the black lady in Minneapolis, and then the next morning, she was walking me to the train or whatever. Maybe I was walking her to her house. It was like all the black guys hanging out, and they were like, is that your man? No way, that's your man. I was like, I'm not her man. We just met. I'm a nice guy. One night stand, I'll be gone in the morning. I like basketball. MLK. Obama. Might have been pre-Obama, actually. Oh, wow. That's your man, huh? Yeah. They were very upset. They're like, you and this motherfucker? And I was a big string. I mean, with the glasses and the teeth. Yeah, they did not approve, but I got right in there. Imagine that reversed. Black lady walking with a white guy, and everybody's like, is that your man? Yeah. I guess we wouldn't say that. Right. Wait, would it be a black? I guess it'd be a black guy with a white woman. Yeah. Yeah. And you're like, you with this motherfucker? I don't know why we keep giving black voices. Yeah, I'd be like, hello, excuse you. What are you doing with this man? Is that your partner there? What the hell? Okay. Anyways, all right. I'm going to shut up. So what was the. Good. You got the baggage claim six hours later, and it was on the belt. Well, then I'm such a cunt that I'm like. So then you start. It's a four-hour flight. So you're like, all right, I'll make the best of it. What I'll do is when I land, I'll order a Starbucks. That will take some time and whatever. No lounge? Nah, I'm not going to go to the lounge. I mean, it's only going to take whatever, 20 minutes. But sometimes a suitcase does take 30 minutes to get. That's what I'm saying. I get the coffee, and I get a snack. Well, so I. I hit the stopwatch, because I'm such a cunt. I was like, I'm going to time exactly how much time I would have saved, which is pointless. And it was like 22 minutes. It added 22 minutes to my thing. 22 is substantial. And then the car ride is an hour. I got to move. I'm moving somewhere else, because I also had the stopwatch. From the moment I landed, it was one hour and 55 minutes from landing to walking into my door. Two hours. Nightmare. Nightmare. That's a. A flight to Buffalo is 48 minutes. Yeah. Two hours to get to your house in the same city. That's horrible. Now, let me just throw in. Let me throw a couple things out there with this lady. A, I think she had a bad day. She took a shit. She bought a, you know, a bad Pokemon card. So, she took it out on you, and you were the first guy, and then you were chipper. Yeah. So, when you're having a bad day, and someone's chipper, you're like, fuck him. I'm taking him down to my level. She's chipper. I don't know. And, yeah. What chipper? I mean, her teeth are brown, and she's fat, and very, very ugly, and very rude. So, her life is probably miserable. Yeah. I was chippy. Chipper. Chipper. And then, I guess, you know, maybe they told her, like, hey, test every suitcase, but they obviously didn't test all of them. Exactly. I think the chipper got her. Also American. You aren't very popular. Yeah, I'm American. I'm American. That's a good point. You probably had a Bruin shirt on or something. Yeah, well, and the passport, and, you know, Trump's going to take over the 51st state, all that stuff. Right, right, right, right, right. Yeah, carny. But, you know, I feel like I don't have the look of a Trumpy. No, not at all. Maybe she hates men. Maybe she hates herself. I don't know. But the whole time, you're like, I'm going to call my fucking mayor. I'm going to email the city. Well, this is where Yelp comes in. You always see, like, you read these Yelp reviews or whatever, and you're like, who the fuck wrote Jesus Christ? Who are these people? It's that. It's those moments where you're fuming on the plane, and you're like, typing away. That's what Yelp is. No, it's one of the most infuriating. For whatever reason, I say this to Sam, like, I'm sure there's other things that it conglomerates or whatever word, but you're like, this is the most infuriating. It's the most angry I've been in my whole entire life. I know the feeling. And then you feel help. You're not being helped. Usually when you're angry, you can do something about it. You're just sitting in a seat buckled in. Well, here's the other thing that why the anger lasts is because the consequences won't happen for four hours. It's not until I land and I'm home, and now I can go see my boy, but I have to stop and stand for 30 minutes while I wait for my suitcase that should be in this empty space right here. 100%. Which is the whole benefit. The whole benefit of having status on an airline. Yeah. As I can just go, I'm the first one off. This is why I lie and steal. Yeah. Because I've had this before. They're like, that's not going to fit. I'm like, it's going to fit. It's not going to fit. They bag it, or they tag it, and I go, all right, I'll drop it off by the thing, walk it right on, put it up. I've done that many times. That's why I was also mad at myself. But the difference was the airline. It was WestJet. So I'm like, I don't know. Maybe WestJet's got some weird airplanes. Good point. Even though I knew. There's no way an airplane that flies from fucking the Canadian Rockies to Queens is going to be too small to have luggage. That doesn't make any sense. I know. It doesn't make sense. This happens a lot in life where you're like, I know this doesn't make sense. But someone's so adamant that you're like, why would they be this adamant? Yeah. I don't. They work here. I don't. It's two people in uniforms that work here. Yeah. So they must. They must. But also, in a perfect world, you could go, oh, look, it'll fit. And they'd go, oh, OK, go grab it. Right. But we can't do that because there's all these dumb rules over there. Hey, you've got to have your seat forward. Like, do I? What's going to happen if I don't have my seat forward? Is the plane not going to land properly? That was part of the anger was like, I fucking knew I was right. And I went against my instinct. And they don't give you the rebuttal. They don't go, oh, my God, you're right. Jeez. Right. We got you. Let me go grab it. Yeah. That was the other thing I said to Sam. We've got to move off this because people will get annoyed. But what bothered me is the. The lady didn't say, oh, man, I am so sorry. Yes. You're right. Yes. She was like, we had to be strict. I'm like, that doesn't make any sense. What does that mean? Yeah. Why? And then the other lady being like, well, it's a full flight. I'm like, but I'm the first one on. Exactly. And I'm in first class. This is a $1,200 ticket. Wow. Literally. You know what it might be, too? Probably in the beginning, they were like, full flight. You're going to have to get some bags. Just get a random victim. He's going to have to get fucked. He's going to have to check some bags. And then she saw your chipper ass, and she went, that's the first bag. Got him. Fuck this queef. Yeah. Maybe she saw my name and was like, Joe List? That guy's friends with Louis C.K. or Mark Norman. Epstein List. Yeah. Any number of ne'er-do-wells. There you go. All right. I'm out. I'm done. Damn. Well, I got a whole flip-a-roo on there. I went to JFK. By the way, the LIRR strike is over. So I'm back on that train like a Jew in the 40s. I didn't even know there was a strike. Oh. Big strike. So got back on the LIRR, JFK. Now, last week, I flew LA to New York with a baby in my hands. This week, JFK to Phoenix. No baby. Yeah. Woo! Take the weights off the bat. I'm swinging. No, it's ridiculous. And we've talked about this. It's like, once you fly with a kid, the idea of any delay, any anything, you're like, well, whatever. At least I don't have a kid. That's the thing about kids. Like, when they're not around you for that 10 seconds, you're like, life is good. Other guys are like, ah, I got a flight to Tempe. This is hell. I'm like, woo! Right. Living the dream. As long as you have your suitcase, it's easy breezy. But I had the fat guy. You always get a fat guy. I get the fat guy, and the fat guy gets the middle seat. And I'm like, what are you doing? You know you're fat. I know you're fat. Book the window. Book the aisle so you can spill. Well, he can't afford an aisle or window. He's fat. He can't work. He's spending all the money on food, you're saying. Well, I say he can't work. He's too slow to work. He can't get up the stairs. He can't get on the roof. He'll fall through. Ah, yeah. That's true. Roofer. Still the job I know. But here's my argument to society. I'm not trying to be fat phobic. I'm not trying to be a prick. If you're that fat, I get to use you as a cushion. I like that. Come on. This is fair. You're all in my seat. You're like, I do the math. You know, you're angry. So you're like, that's at least 30% of my seat. So I should, A, get 30% off my ticket, or I'm using you as a beanbag. I like the discount. The problem with the beanbag is it's a fat man. Yeah, it's going to be sweat and hair and jizz. I can get over it. I can pretend it's a Tempur-Pedic. Well, then you might as well blow a guy. Pretend it's a banana. That's a good point. I might bite him on accident and peel his dick. Yeah, I'm just saying, if you're all over my seat, it's all. It's all shoulder, Jerry. It's all like this, you know? And I should be able to just go. I mean, I agree. I like this theory. Give him the pillow, and then she'll come with a pillowcase. If you're over 300 pounds, here's your little doily pillowcase. Yes, yes, give me a doily, because he smells like ham. Yeah, you put it on there, and then you've got a pillowcase, and, you know, maybe you can use his shoe as, like, a cup. I don't know. Right. Well, it's just a tough scenario, because he's like, what do you want me to do? I'm huge. And I'm like, but what do you want me to do? You're huge. Right. You see what I'm saying? Like, you're like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm just a big guy. And I'm like, yeah, but I'm sorry, because you're a big guy. Like, you're ruining my life. Yeah, yeah. It's hard to explain, but he's, as I call it, secondhand fat. I don't care if you're fat, but now you're affecting me with your fat. Yeah, your fat is over here. I mean, I had that joke years ago about wearing a backpack on the subway. I love this joke. You're going to take your backpack off. I'm like, well, just pretend I'm fat. Just pretend I'm fat. There you go. Great point. And it's not even a big backpack. I'm like, what if I wore it on the front and put a shirt over it? Nobody would be able to say, hey, get your backpack off. Exactly. You can tell a smoker, hey, put that out, no smoking. But you can't tell a fat guy 10 feet from the exit. Yeah, leave your belly outside of the train. Right, yeah. But my question is, why don't you buy a first-class ticket where it's spacious, with elbows? Well, me or him? You. Oh, well, I'm thin. I can fitness. See? I know, but you get the fat guy. There's no option of a fat guy up in FC. Why not? Because there's space. Even if the fattest guy on Earth, there's still space. There's no guy as fat as, I mean, maybe Rupert, but most people are not fat enough to spill into 2C or not 2C. That's true. Get up there in the premium cab. I'm saying he should get a first-class, because he's huge. I mean, I'll take a first-class, too, but I'm saying he should get one for his own sake. Or buy 2C. Or buy 2C. Which I know some people do. I know some fatsoes that buy 2C. Yeah, yeah. Or 3C. Oh, man. How about these people who want 2C? Like, a fat guy's like, whoa, I got to take up 2. And you're like, well, you got to buy 2. And they're like, but I'm one person. That's a big controversy in some areas. There is a hack where you buy the middle seat. Hold on. We buy the middle seat and the window seat, and then just before you get on the bus, on the flight, you return the middle seat. So you have an empty seat next to you for a fat guy. I don't know if you're, are you allowed to buy two seats? You get a credit. You get an e-credit. You buy a seat for me and my wife. My wife didn't make it. I'd sell the seat back. My wife. Yeah, you get an e-credit, I guess. Yes. So you have what you have now, space. Yeah, that's not bad. That's not bad. That's not bad, but yeah, OK. That feels very Salicus right there. That's a classic Kramer. That's a Kramer. Kramer move. And then it doesn't work out, and then somebody, blah, blah, blah. Exactly. Yeah. Somehow he's on the wing at the end of the episode. Yeah, that's a good move. I like that. All right. All right. Shit, that's all I had. No, I don't know. Well, tell me more about Tempe. Well, I love Tempe. I don't even really get Tempe. It's Phoenix, Tempe, Scottsdale. Is it all part of Phoenix, or are they their own thing? Is it like Brooklyn? Fucked if I know. I think Tempe is its own city. OK. Phoenix is massive. And then is Tempe derivative of temperature? Because it's so fucking hot there. Right. I mean, it was 112. But it's not Tempe, Temperature. Well, you know, it's. It's not Tempe-er-ture. Sure. Tempe. I think it's probably Native American. I thought it's an Indian. You're right. After the veil of Tempe in ancient Greece. Whoa. Greece. Way off. No kidding. That's a little grand for Tempe. I don't know if they're up there with ancient. Ancient Greece. But all right. My God, those women, though. I just stayed in the green room. I was like, my opener, Caleb Sinan, check him out, funny guy. He was selling, like, hotcakes out there. And I just. I would peek my head out, and I would see, like, 611s. And I was like, I'm out. Better than a 7-Eleven. 6-Eleven. Kevin Durant. But, yeah, it was just crazy. And the crowds were killer. Here's the thing, though. All good. The club. Broken AC. Oh. Slater. Brutal. Because it's 8 million degrees outside, then you come in, and it's warm. Broken AC in Tempe? Yeah, in Tempe. So they tried. They put the fans everywhere. They put these big blowers all over the place. But it ain't the same. I'm up there. I'm like a Def Jam comic, like, two minutes in. It looks like I'm bombing. But I'm like, no, no, no, this works. I'm just hot in here. June, Tempe, broken AC. Yeah, and I don't want to besmirch. They're a great club. They took care of us. They were awesome. It's not their fault. The crowds were great. God. You get that lethargic hot tub vibe, you know, where they're like, ha. Oh, jeez. Ha. It's like a woman who can't come. You can't get any noises out of her. I know about that. Yeah. So I'm trying to get a moan, but I'm getting nothing. I'm putting my finger in her ass, showing her a picture of my dad. Whatever. Nothing's working. Wow. Well, I love that club. Remember, we were there right after my wedding. We had cigars on the bridge. Great memory. Oh, great night. I love that place. It was like four days after my wedding. You, me, and the bottle makes three. Tempe. That was really something. Chesley Calloway. And, man, we had a time. Great club. They do an interesting thing where they have a green room over by the lobby. Nice green room. TV. Got the World Cup going. Then they have a green room behind the stage. Right. So you go, oh, I'm on in five. Let me hightail it over to the back green room. Then you just walk right on. Well, last time I was there, I think I told the story. Brett Ernst, they double booked, and he ended up featuring, which was work. Oh, he can kill. Oh, he kills. And he did about 35 minutes. He's on the stool. The crowd was on the floor. The guy's a fucking legend. Yeah, yeah. And then Santino was at the top, so he came over. So my whole set, I just hear Santino and Brett Ernst being like, these motherfuckers. Yeah, fuck that, mother shit. Oh, that's great. Oh, in the green room. And I'm like, the one next to you. I'm like, go to the other green room. Yes, yes. So it's like counting money, and someone's going 11, 48, 61. I'm like, it's God. But it's Brett. So I can't be like, hey, shut the fuck up, because he'll fucking ice pick me. Good point. Good point. Yeah, he's a tough guy. By the way, I think first comic to have a YouTube hour. Brett Ernst? I'm trying to give him credit. Give this a gook, Sally, and you can do some dates, comparisons. But everybody's like, Sam or me or Schultz. I think it's Brett Ernst, number uno with a bullet. Wow. Calling it right here. It feels like it's pretty easily checkable. Yeah, but I've never heard anyone say it. I was out. I was jerking off one night looking at comedy, and I was like, wait a minute. Brett Ernst. This is before everybody. Let me ask Albert Einstein. Albert Einstein, AI. Uh-oh. They know everything. There we go. Allen Iverson. All right, you do that search. I'll do this search. All right. Who was the first stand-up comedian to put a one-hour special on YouTube? There it is. Here we go. Big money. Come on. Searching the web. Here we go. This isn't a clear, universally accepted answer to who was first. Depends on what you mean by one-hour special on YouTube. Oh, God. First comedian to ever blah, blah, blah. What's easier to answer is who helped make it a major trend. Andrew. Andrew Schultz is often credited with proving the comedians could bypass traditional networks and make series by doing YouTube. Maybe it's Schultzy. Mark Normand accelerated the trend with his 2020 special, Out to Lunch, Drew Millions. Accelerated trend. Soon after, comedians like Joe List, I Hate Myself, Sam Burrill, Shane Gillis, Ari Shaffir, and many others followed. Wow, a couple of honkies. Given your comedy background, you might find it interesting that among comics, the more common claim isn't who was first, but rather who changed the business. On that question, the names I hear cited most often are Andrew Schultz and Mark Norman. How about that? Wow, this is blowing my tits off. They demonstrated that an independently released YouTube special could reach a larger audience than many cable or streaming specials. Well, Schultz did it before me, and Sam had one, but his was on Comedy Central. Right. Digital, whatever that means. So, I mean, that counts as a YouTube, but I'm just saying, what year is Ernst? I won't run about Brett Ernst. It says, yes, Brett Ernst is actually one of the strongest candidates for that claim. According to Brett's own website, his management, bio, and multi-comic. His 2018 special, Principal's Office, is described as either the first comic to release an hour special via YouTube, the first hour YouTube comic special by a stand-up comedian, or the first self-distributed online. Okay, well, can I get a date? 2018. Eight years ago, it says. And what's Schultz? Schultz was. It's something where he does four different sets. What's funny is that Brett doesn't always get mentioned in these conversations because Schultz, Norman, Muriel, Gillis, and Joe List, and others are associated with the YouTube special boom a few years later. We made AI! But among comics, I've heard Brett's name come up before as the guy who was early, possibly too early for people to fully appreciate what he was doing. That's what I'm trying to say, Fetty. All right, what do you got on Schultz there? I think Schultz might have made it a thing, but I do think Ernst was numero uno. Schultz's come out. I can't remember what the name. I can't remember the name. Andrew Schultz's first self-release. Bam! Wait, I don't know. This also says, Andrew Schultz's first self-release YouTube special was 4-4-1, which came out in September of 2017. Oh, okay, okay. It was a professionally produced special that he released himself after networks passed on it. All right, well, I guess it's Schultz then. I take it all back. I thought it was Ernst. Oh, this says, if Brett's principal office was indeed the first full hour intentionally released on YouTube as the primary platform for the YouTube special, then it would be then both things can be true. You know, Schultz's early pioneer, blah, blah, blah. Well, he had it first. I think that settles it. Well, anyways, it's an interesting little debate there, yeah. So there you go. Go get them, Brett. Then you can also check out Brett on Cobra Kai. Yeah. He's killing it. I think that's still on. I have no idea. That was on YouTube also, wasn't it? That's true. That's true. He's fucking. They say when it all is said and done, when the apocalypse comes and the Mayans kill us and there's a race war, YouTube's going to be the last one standing. Interesting. They say Netflix is borrowing money, paying off the Qatar, whatever it is. But YouTube, the beauty of YouTube is people upload for free. There's just some guy in Cincinnati going, I'll put my video on here. You can't do that with Netflix. So they don't have to buy anything. Netflix is like, oh, we'll buy Home Improvement. Right, right. That'll be $10 billion. Yeah. So they're always giving away money where YouTube's like, bring it on. Well, I'm sticking strong with YouTube. Netflix, they keep offering me, hey, we'll give you $300,000, $800,000. I say, thank you, no thank you. Ah, who needs it? I don't care for that kind of humor. They have guys like Chappelle. They're all offensive and gross. Yeah, that's not. Louie, problematic. I don't need to be part of that. Hey, Louie's new special next week. That's exciting. That is very exciting. How about this? I went to the movies. I had to go see Obsession. Obsession and Back Rooms. Back Rooms. This is when everyone's talking about these movies. Obsession was fun. Very fun. It's fun. Very funny. Very fun. Very silly. Massive, massive glaring plot holes. Big holes. But I liked it. How about this? I go to see, I saw Obsession on Friday. I go to see Back Rooms on Saturday. Full theater? Back Rooms has made over $301 million worldwide. And they were shot for what? 10 mil? Something low. 20 mil? I wouldn't say 20 mil is low. That's pretty big these days. I guess you're right. Maybe it was 10, 5? Wow, this is too much dead air. It doesn't matter. Cut that motherfucker. Cut this motherfucker right here. So I go to see the movie. Thank you. Now, everything in Canada, like I said, a little different, a little off. So you know me. I like M&M's for the movie theater. I buy a popcorn. I eat the popcorn during the trailers. And then once that movie starts, I go M&M's and I crush a whole bag. Now we're talking. They got a different kind of bag up there because it's Canada. Really? Yeah. They're changing bags? Different size, different whatever look. And I got a photo for this. We'll have to put it in here in post. I go in to see Back Rooms. I was at the movies yesterday. I'm back at the movies again today. Saw Obsession. I've heard Back Rooms is a piece of shit from Ronan. He says it's the death of art. It's the worst thing ever. Wow. Well, he also hates Moby Dick. Right. But then Luke was like, it was fine. And then Matt Wayne is like, I thought it was amazing. So I'm like, I got to see this fucking movie. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. So I go in. I eat my popcorn. Movie starts. All right. It's Eminem time. Yeah. Good rapper. Couldn't get the bag open. Come on. I mean, I did the thing where you tear too high. Where you tear above the perforation. So I teared it and I go to open it, tore it, tore it, tore it. I go to open it. It's still sealed. I ripped the top before the seal. Pre-sealed. Yeah. The hymen is. It's still there. So, but now I lost the tear area. Lost the tear. But I didn't tear low enough. Tear a reed. And now the movie's slow and stupid and there's people there. So I'm trying not to make too much noise. So it's like this. And everybody's going, just open it. So I'm like, okay, I got to, now I got to give some time because I don't want to be just the constant bag guy. You're Larry David over here. I spend about like 12 seconds like watching. And I go, all right, here we go. I'm going to try again. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can't get it. I can't see Peter. I'm like, why do they make these bags loud? It's 2026. Give me a quiet bag. And it's, it's a bag that opens. Just give me a, or that. So I'm like, and nobody's saying anything, but there's a lady over there. There's a guy over there. And it's like three kids over there. And you know me, I'm like movie cunt. I'm like, anybody sneezes car. I've seen a phone light up. I fucking kick him in the side of the head. Like Joe Davola here. So I'm like, I'll show you what it's like. I can't be the guy. So then you're like, all right. You gotta get a pen in there. Use your teeth. And then I'm like, all right, I'll just go big for five seconds. That's good. No one can get mad at that. This is good. So I'm like, the movie's going. And I'm like. I'm like this. And like, I look over and this lady's like. Oh, they're looking at you. She's looking at me. He's looking at me. And I'm like. It's also a noise, literally a noise maker. Yes. It shakes with the. The M&M's are hard. The bag is wrinkling and the M&M's are shaking. It's like a rainmaker. I gotta put the photo up. It's like, it's so gnarly. And I've always seen people bite. I've never been a bite guy. I'm not a bite guy either. I don't know how to do the tear with the teeth. They do it to catch up. But I've seen it. Maybe this is the moment. I'm 44 and a half. This is the moment I'm going to try the teeth thing. But you got a type two mouth. You can't get an M&M bag in there. So I put it in and it just kept slipping because my teeth are wet. They're in my mouth. So I'm like. So now the bag's all wet. You can't get in the hole. So now I'm taking my stuff. I'm literally missing the movie. I have no idea what's going on. They're talking. It's all the setup, all the stuff. And I'm like. I tried to open it like chips. It was crazy, dude. And then you have this thing with like, your brain is going like, I want M&M's. It's like Coughlin's Law. What's that called? Murphy's Tits. Who's the Pavlov's dog? The movie that's dark in the movies. So I want M&M's. My brain is like M&M's. And they're so close. So I'm like, fuck. So finally, I'm like, all right. I can't be disturbing people. So I walked down into the little alley, the opening way. Oh, wow. Very considerate. Well, I'm trying to still take in some movies. So I can see like a third of the screen. I'm like, who's this guy? OK. All right. I got it. The back room is spooky. Got it. I got to tell you, this might be better than the movie. I'd just be watching the weird looking guy with the bag. So I'm down there like, fuck it. But it's still noise. It's still like. Good Lord. So I'm like, what the fuck? Who's talking now? All right. It's a white guy talking to a black guy. OK. The back room is. It's a back room. So I go outside. I'm like, I need light. Yeah. Let me go outside. I'll catch my breath. So I walk out. Now I'm just in the lobby. And I'm trying to keep my foot ajar, the door ajar with my foot so I can hear. Literally, I'm like, this went on for like 20 minutes. A security guy walks by, a young Latino. I mean, he's Middle Eastern. I don't know what the hell he was. He was brown. Nice guy. I go, excuse me. Pardon me. I'm sorry. And now I still feel like an 18. 18-year-old kid. Same. I'm a middle-aged man. I'm 44 years old. I have a gray beard and a fucking son. Yes, yes. I'm like, I'm sorry. Do you have anything sharp by any chance on you? And the guy's like, no. He's like. Latino. He might have a knife. He's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, you don't have any? All right. Look at this bag. And now I bring him in. I'm like, did you see this? And he's like, no, you got to tear it here. You got it right here. That's where you tear it. And I'm like, I know, but I ripped too high. Yeah. And then I just hand it to him. So he did like a half of an attempt. He's like, I don't know, man. You could tell. He's like, I can't be part of this. Somehow it feels gay. I'm opening a man's candy. I tried one more time. And I was like, fuck the movie. Fuck my life. I walked all the way up to the desk. And there's three 11-year-old girls working there with pigtails, chewing gum. That's hot. And I'm like, do you guys have scissors back there? And I show him the bag. One of the most humiliating moments of my life. Is it mangled to hell and back? It's crazy. I'll send you the photo. Is it beaten up? It looks like just. Hell with jizz. It's fucking nuts. It's like that mugshot of Rihanna. Oh, let me see if I can find it. If I'm doing a skit, the lights come on. The TSA lady's behind you. Dude. Oh, here it is. You can just see it's all like. Oh, mama. It's jetted, ripped. Jesus, Greg looks like Gaza. It's crazy. It's all bagged up. I don't know if we can get a shot of that. Oh, we'll put it in post. Good lighting in there. That's looking good. It's like a renaissance painting. So I bring this up to the lady. I'm like, could you cut this for me? Literally, I'm asking a nine-year-old girl. And she goes, and she's like, oh, yeah, you got it. I'm sorry. And they're talking to me like I'm a geriatric asshole. And they're like, sometimes the bags can be a little tricky. I'm like, oh, no. So she goes, and then she cuts it like halfway down the bag, perfectly all the way across. And I'm like, thank you so much. I go back in the cinema. And you wanted to be like, I got it, guys. Don't worry. So I went back up and ate the M&M's. Wow. Wow. Give me the worst time to make a hard bag to open. Yeah. I would say condoms are similar. Condoms should be way easier. But, you know, we're in the throes of passion. And you got me. Yeah. A little lube on your fingers. Yes, yes. Yeah, exactly. Come on. That's how I felt. It was just very slippery. And then, you know. And when you want it, you're like an ape with a can of beans. You're like, ah, ah, and you're biting it. You ever see those tribesmen with a Coke? They have a two-liter plastic Coke. And they're like biting into the plastic. And their teeth are running up and down it. And they're throwing it on the ground. It's bubbling. And they want it so bad. But they can't get in there. Did I tell you about my Spaghetti-O-Can incident? I must have told this story at some point. Oh, hit me, Fatty. This was New Year's Eve. I was in Livonia, Michigan. I'd have to look it up what year it is. Wow. Quit bragging. I was drinking. It must have been 2010 or something like that. God, Livonia for New Year's Eve. Does it get more depressing? Yeah, Joey's in Livonia. Joey Juno. And I was drunk and walking home. And there was a 7-Eleven. It was open. And I bought Spaghetti-Os. I was like, I'm going to make some Spaghetti-Os. I have a microwave. For some reason, it didn't occur to me. I got all the way back to the hotel. I had two cans of Spaghetti-Os. spaghettios and i realized i had no can opener sure so it's a condo this is still no it's a hotel okay but i'm still this is one of my proudest moments because people think i'm dumb they write you're an idiot you're retarded sorry about that i got a bag of uh i mean a can of spaghettios and i took a pen what do you what do you got it sounds like he's just sending us a sign oh wow oh geez well how'd that happen wow just like that so um i take a pen tell me this isn't brilliant this is sad you're gonna appreciate this i had the the spaghettios i took a pen and just started stabbing it to perforate it uh-huh so i went god god god god i was like ding ding ding ding ding and then i took a wooden coat hanger and bashed it in after the oh the perforation from the pen yes yes and i got it open it was like it was all gnarled and nasty and it was like 1 30 in the morning and i got to knock on my door and the guy was like excuse me is there a banging in here you bet on it i got it open it was like it was all gnarled and nasty and it was like 1 30 in the morning and i got to knock on my door and the guy was like excuse me is there a banging in here you i was like oh sorry but it's so funny to get a red sauce like uh i didn't kill anybody i swear well and you're getting a nose noise complaint it's just you i'm like oh yeah my i didn't have a can opener should i show them the spaghetti i look like such a psycho because it's just fucking like shrapnel right i'm like so all good the guy's like all right yeah just the neighbors you're banging it was like a rhythmic banging i'm like sorry about that and i had a second can i'm like i guess i'll just eat this tomorrow when you hear banging in a hotel room you're like hey good you're so oh no it's just me with a can of fucking spaghettios but that's pretty good that's yeah you got in there pretty pretty ingenious i got one of those as well and we got to wrap this up but it's kind of fun when you're you're up against it you know you're like i gotta figure this out one time me and my friends were having a sleepover and his parents were so strict they're like don't come upstairs don't do anything leave us alone shut up lights out at midnight whatever so it's like four in the morning we're still up but we're starving because she didn't feed us that cunt so we snuck upstairs we snuck upstairs got a frozen pizza but we couldn't do an oven that's gonna be too loud just getting the pizza was already risky so we go back downstairs we found a lamp and we put that pizza on top of the lampshade it cooked it a frozen pizza well it took about six hours and it was still icy but we ate it wow i mean that's old school because those old light bulbs light i had like a i don't know why i had a rock i don't know it's like a little rock like we had a rock driveway and i just had it and i put it on top of the light bulb for like an hour uh-huh i don't know why i don't know what i thought you know you're just a kid you're just retarded i did all that stuff so i just put it on there and then i remember picking up me like it was like home alone i had a big m on my fingers and i remember you know you have those moments in life where afterwards you're like i think i'm retarded yeah like by yourself you're literally like i put it on a hot but i can singe yourself with a light bulb this was 1992 or something they were still hot that's one of those things you don't think about because the future always seems bleak and all these things but now you can you can order a starbucks ahead of time and send sallick used to go get it or you can back today you used to if you bumped into a lamp you were on the dl for 15 days ah shit oh remember those pipes that would be in your apartment you'd back into that pipe in the bathroom oh fry your ass off it's all pipes you got that right fatty where you gonna be where am i gonna be i'm going to tacoma and portland oregon two trips to the pacific northwest the pnw my favorite place my home away from home um austin my other home away from home away from home uh first weekend of september make sure you get those tickets so it's not a bunch of fucking douche clowns there i want the two's gays there austin um what's the name of the club mothership jesus christ i'm losing my brain comedy mothership first weekend in september tacoma comedy club i think july 17th to the 19th something like that and then back to the portland helium and then not till october but i'm in philadelphia philly helium and toronto i am coming there september people i teased it and now i can't remember the the day september i believe 24th one night only so um yeah check that out and i made the mistake of looking at my text i got 400 texts and uh join the patreon please for the love of god we're putting all kinds of fun stuff up there we're about to well maybe we're recording a bonus i don't know what we're doing but yeah we'll see what we can do next time we'll see you next time what happens yeah yeah all kinds of great stuff live apps you name it and uh i will be just got back from spokane but uh going to houston san franciski nashville we added a show charleston north carolina and spokane no no no no seattle thank you seattle folks come on out say hello market on my comedy.com give it a good give it a whirl sally you want to plug anything with your uh fake vintage um i have a i have a doc with mark norman called i have a doc with mark norman called pushing boulder oh yeah it's a hit it's a hit it's on youtube it's free go watch it it's amazing over half a mil there you go suck it brett ernst yeah and yeah thank you and be kind and please you The music died Please believe