hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hitter in the face of the surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah this Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy we're back baby New York City in the room lunch stuff studio seven here we are it's warm out it's summer we're doing it it's perfect I wrote the bike and uh sorry rode the bike on over here what happened I hit the bike over one of our 11 mics hey we can't have the audio be bad not again well accused boy Sally Salah Houston burr back to back home runs oh man nobody upset about either of them oh might as well go back to vinegar well at least uh Salah Q's kept his mouth shut back there he didn't pipe in too much he's a talker he's a talker but uh we're back this is it I mean I have been overseas for 17 days wow it flew by that I'm still on Irish time so I'm a little fucked up over here what's that about six out uh five uh-huh of the clock there you go oh clock Irish I got five on oh yeah that's right no clock is Irish yeah and oh Henry uh-huh and O'Brien yeah a lot of o's oh you see by the doors early light that's one of those I pretend to know I should really pick that up that's all well it's because no they're not a sports guy I only people that are into sports know the national anthem and that's true they used to do it in school but that got zip zip we did the Muslims we did the pledge of allegiance every morning which always seems silly to me I probably said this before the pledge of allegiance not the national anthem sure that would take a while but the pledge of allegiance I always thought you should do it once a year so it's like an event right hey it's August 1st we're going to go down to the school yard and we're going to pledge our allegiance to the flag yes is every morning I got to pledge my allegiance to the flag it's a lot of a pledging very culty sure I pledge allegiance to the flag it felt very like you know pink Floyd yes the wall good song boy they were they they have great lyrics yeah they're great band I was just listening to the other day a walk on part in a war or a lead role yeah and on the stage in a cage cage basically you can when you're up to say you can go to war you can go to prison yeah boy that's good for lead role in it you walk on pod in the war for a lead role in the cage yeah trade that sounds like Dylany good stuff um yeah they're good they're good sorry I digressed you sure did but uh yeah we're back this is it this is the pod beautiful day rode the bike here oh yeah it's spectacular out there but this city is a nightmare I mean I and I'm packing up I'm moving out listen to this come on yesterday whatever day Monday two days ago yeah fly back from sunny Ireland wow Dublin to New York City with the toddler with the wife seven hour flights like six hour and 40 minutes but then you got to wait on the ground this thing that thing the other thing give me some advice because this kid on a plane I need I need help I don't know I mean our kids very good in the play flies so much got that he loves it he's out the window you got blue on the thing they got blue on Delta that's big and uh he just loves it he's he's very he's like every flight we've ever done someone's like this is the most unbelievable kid I can't believe it this is crazy no running up the aisles uh hitting people with a with a football bat no I don't think so we don't usually check our with a ball bets do you drug him chloroform pills no no he just I don't know talk to him hang out with him yes bedtime interesting buckle him in he get him in there for years is under two so he sits on your lap or whatever we're going LA that's a six hour or five and a half and I'm nervous no it'll be great all right but so the flight is great I mean he oh my like you got on to the strap there oh boy the flights great it just whips on by yeah and then you land we landed at two fifty two p.m. Primeridian Paul McCartney I text my parents I go we're officially state side whoo that's great two fifty two walk into my apartment at five fifty one oh three hour tour I mean six hour flight three hours from touchdown to my door this city is a nightmare what the hell happened you're a jf a no you got the rental car I mean what are you doing here well first they do this which you should you know know this here he here he when you land they go hey great news we're seventy five minutes early you're fucked oh you're sitting on that fucking cement because your gate is just right and it's I'd rather be in the air agree nine hours agree because you get the dopamine Saratone and Saratalamage yeah suck my penis you land you go we did it all right you hug you kiss yeah five hundred percent you touch tits and then you just sit on the fucking tarmac for an hour right so that's 30 minutes they don't they don't give you service on the tarmac no the tarmac that lady's done no it if you get up to shit or jerk off they go oh they're very passive aggressively this is still an active runway you fucking piece of shit you bald headed homo and ain't active we're sitting here it's inactive so you get off and then you got a single file through everybody boobley boob scoop boob and then Sarat wanted to check the stroller because it's you don't have to care whatever so then Marty has to walk but he's been on a plane for six hours so he wants to walk he wants to jump on the ground he wants to lick a window sure kiss my grits then I have to stop and take a shit my wife has to change her tampon then you got to wait for your luggage your luggage takes 10 minutes at least 20 then you get the luggage then you got to get the stroller and the other luggage and the other luggage the other luggage then you got to wait for your taxi for eight minutes it's gridlocked honking yep then it takes 35 inches to get out of the airport right and then the traffic the BQE the other thing now it's becoming rush hour rush hour rush hour yeah it's banish banish banish and then you go all the way to battery park city yes by the towel jets a millionaire it's 550 wow that is cuckoo bananas let me throw this at you there helmet uh helmet Lang what do you think about this subway well I know it's no fun I know it's no picnic the hobos the jerking but you're not in traffic you're not waiting in the cab line either you save a little time with the sub but you're at fogal you have this it's a 14 day trip 5 to 16 day sure sure with the toddler so now I got to break down the stroller I got to get I have my suit then we have like fucking carry bag really call like velvet bag what's that called carry on no what's that word a sample a sea canvas I got these canvas bags I had a painting I bought I tried to ship it but it was a holiday my sister's ass so you got like a canvas bag a diaper bag a backpack her backpack my suitcase her suitcase the other piece the diaper shit good boy now you're gonna go in the subway with seven suitcases yeah you're like an African lady with a thing on her head absolutely so uh uga that's that I know that's a horn uh I don't have cars over there I can't do an African no but anyway is to kill my matambo yes yes didn't he didn't we kill him remember that did he die yeah like the day after I said he was dead didn't remember that oh yeah I said about like to give me a batambo die but I was thinking to someone else and like a day later it was like to give me that I killed that son of a bitch who do curse on that talk cup of giz I came a large one just hung himself in a bathroom no way no I don't think you could actually he's like seven four yeah that'd be a high ceiling bathroom but I'm just trying to test to see if he dies oh I see I see um yikes you're killing more Africans than the tootsies um well now we got wimpy to see ferry well he's French yeah he's like eight eleven that guy it's confusing now he's to have certain groups of certain places and that was it I know believe me I heard Janus was Greek I almost ship myself remember that kid Janus popus no the the the basketball player oh Janus ice the Greek freak the Greek friend popus yeah I didn't know what you meant I just kind of chuckled now now he's Greek yes that Janus but he looks Greek I'm just saying the basketball player you're like ah he must be what Nigeria it right Detroit now people everywhere by the way we were in Dublin on our way to the Guinness factory or plant whatever the fuck it's called storehouse yes yes and it was like the biggest Muslim holiday of the year I don't know what it was called a Guinness not at this but in Dublin but they have you know I think because of Syria and all the stuff there's just a huge influx so my parents have never left the United States they come to Ireland they want to see sheep green grass and you know Gary Veter with red hair right right top of the morning so I go we're going to take you straight to the Guinness factory you fucking alkeys we get in the car and it's I don't know Ramadan or
I mean, Ramadam Alingo, Shamalon, or the Shana Nas, whatever band. - M-Nite. - M-Nite. - It's, I mean, literally, I lived in a story for 18 years. It's the most Middle Eastern folks I've ever seen in my life. - Oh. - And my mother was like holding her purse. She was shaking. I mean, my father was like, he was ready to go back. He's like, get me back in the plane. - I get it. There's a lot of flying carpets and curvy swords. - But it's mind blowing, if you're from America and Boston, particularly, and everybody's Irish and you spend all your time at Irish. - That's true. - And you fly all the way to Dublin. - The motherland. - And you're like, here we go. We're in the old country. I mean, it looked like North Africa. It was crazy. - Oh, that's crazy. Palestine. - You try to be like, ah, don't worry, you'll wear those. But you are like, this is, I didn't know about this. - This is changed. - And you go like four blocks, and then you turn, and it just looks like South Boston again. - Yeah, that is. - There it is. - But wouldn't it be nice if you went to the Sudan or Egypt and there was a little corner where it was all a bunch of mix? - Well, that's what I was saying to Sarah. 'Cause she's like, she's like, you know, it's just like New York. And I'm like, no, it is just like New York, but you're not expecting that. - Right. - And I said, it is in defense of my parents, if I said exactly what you said. If I took my parents to Istanbul. - Yeah, yes, Turkey. - And it was just a bunch of billbirds walking around. - Well, first of all, they'd call that colonizing and it'd be bad. - Right. - But if it's the other way, it's cool. - Well, colonizing, I think it was more violent. I think that was a little bit like stab them in the dits. - I agree, but I think we'd call it that. It's what we call it, you know, we call it that comic a Nazi. You know, we would jump to the big one now. - Oh, we loved to throw Nazi around. - Genocide, Nazi, white suprem. - Lot of big words being punted around. - Yeah. - Let's see the point. But anyways, it took me 48 hours to get home. It was crazy. At the end, you just want to fucking kill somebody. - That's horrible. - My lovely, wonderful wife. She does this though. And I know it doesn't mean anything. - Uh-oh. - But we land, we get in the cab and she goes, that was smooth sailing and I'm like, - Oh! - Why say smooth sailing? - Smooth sailing. - Smooth sailing. - That was the Titanic. - No, 'cause the flight was smooth sailing. But I'm like, say smooth sailing when we're home. 'Cause I have Google Maps. It's just blood red. It looks like a faint of my cock. I'm like, you jinxed it. But it's not jinx, but also it's like, why are we having this celebration of smooth sailing? I'm like, it's gonna be choppy shit, horrible sailing. - Yeah, spoke too soon. That's like right when you take off 9/11. Hey, we're on time. - Right. Towers. - Spoke canned too soon. - Uh-huh. I gotta go. - Are you there soon? - Yeah. - And there I think. But anyways, I don't know where to start. You tell me some things. 'Cause I gotta reckon a mile long. - I wanna hear everything about the UK, UK. But let me just say, tippy-dippy dayday, a couple things. I've been all over Gus Green Earth, did Canada. - The whole country. - The whole thing. No, I did some town. I'd never heard of. - Hamilton. - Is that it? - I don't know. - That's a good play. - It's guessing. - I actually hated that play. - I did it. - I thought it was like middle school. It felt like saved by the bell. It was like, hey, hey, hey, my name is Abe Lincoln. And I got shot in the head, married to Mary Todd. It was in that odd. - It just felt like, it felt like, you know, there was an episode of "Same in the Bell" where they did a hip-hop fucking thing. - That's true, yeah. - I just didn't get that show. I hate Lina Manuel. I think he's like a pretentious little snot. - Right. - And the whole thing is just like Aaron Burr. People were furr. And then he shot Hamilton in the back of the head 'cause now he's dead. - It's all a blur. - You heard me said. - Yeah. - Whatever. - So it just did. - Hamilton blows. - All right, well, I think they just mixed it up. You know, it's like, oh, we've seen Broadway. 100 years for this way. What if we put a hip-hop tune? - Yeah. - And we make the president black. - Nah, I didn't get it. - Which we actually had a black president. But yeah. - I sure did. - Eight years. - That's true. - It was good. - Yeah, yeah, nice guy. So I got a candidate. Remember how I bought the drug? I got drugs from a comedy store guy. And I took it to fly to Canada on a red eye to get my passport. - Oh, yes. - I can't remember that. - All recessed recesses. - So I get to Canada. I do a casino in called Rama Casino. You might want to give this a goog. I can't remember where it is, Ramadan. - Ramadan Soder. - It's one of those places where you're like, oh my God. Everybody's been here. I'm looking at Seinfeld, Bill Mar, Chris Rock, you know, all these people, Bernie Mac. Everybody's played there. John Pannette, beautiful casino in the middle of nowhere. What do you got? - Is it Casino Rama? - Yes, in Orelia. - That's Orelia. - Yeah, Orelia. - It's in Orelia. - Orelia? - Yeah, Ontario. - Yeah, I really think. - Crazy middle of nowhere. It's one of those places where you fly there. You get on a car for three hours and then you're at the casino. So it's out there. And killer show, great. But here's the clinker. I bought this leather jacket months ago. You know about the LJ? - I don't remember. - I've been looking for this LJ all over town. I saw a guy in Oslo wearing one. I said, that's the leather jacket. I hit the place up. It's a tiny store in Italy. They sent me the wrong jacket. I had to get it sent it back. All right, well, it was a whole, it was a socket. - I'm like a son of this. - It was a whole socket. - A whole socket. - Oh yeah. - Oh wow. - Sitting right here, giving it a goog. - Check this and remember? - You don't remember the leather jacket, soccer? I got a million messages about it. - We might be drunk. - It was here. - All right. - All right. - Oh, I remember it. It had an eight ball, right? - Yeah, that's why. - White sleeves. - That's it. Yeah, the devil's soap. So I got the leather jacket. But I never wear it 'cause it's a leather jacket. - Yeah, I love it. I appreciate that. - Yeah. But I've always wanted a leather jacket. You know, you see these comics wearing one? Eddie Murphy, it's red. It's a full onesie. - That was the '80s. - I know. But I was like, I want a leather jacket. I'll never wear it, but I have it. So I wear it around the house of my pajamas. - Okay. - And I look at the mirror and I go, hey, oh, hey. So I said, I never wear this jacket. When I got the passport, I put the jacket in my suitcase 'cause now I have to wear it. 'Cause it's cold in Canada. So this is my only way to force myself to wear this fucking jacket. So I throw this puppy on in the casino. I walk downstairs. They give me the whole tour through the kitchen. I go out on stage. I walk out, I go, here we are, Canada. And one guy goes, nice jacket, Fonsi. I took that thing off. I fucking threw it in the gutter. First moment. - Wow. - I'm wearing it. Nice jacket, Fonsi. And I went, fuck you, Amundo. And I ruined my whole set. - Well, it's a big move. - It's a big move. - It's a big move. - You're 43 years old. It's tough to do. - 42. - Well, whatever. This comes out September. - That's true. - Sarah had a great bit about, if you want to introduce a hat. She's like, I like hats. We can't just show up in the hat. And she's like, you got to start on Halloween. - Oh. - You have a costume. - That's great. - You know, you're going as a biker. - Yes. - You have a helmet. And then you slowly remove the boots and the helmet. And then you go, hey, it's my coat now. You know what I'm gonna say. - It's a great bit. But, yeah, I guess all right. I got to wait till Halloween too. - Yeah. - That's four or five months away. - Well, it's gonna be 150 degrees for the next six weeks. - That's a good point. - So. - It's a good looking jacket. - I don't know. - I'll show you up to you. - Yeah, that's okay. - It's very minimal. You know, there's no zips or cleafs. - Oh, okay. - So it's like a, like a, like a, is it like Tom Cruise in that movie? - Yeah, yeah. It's just streamlined. It's like a bomber jacket, but it happens to be leather. - Is there fur? - No, what am I, Aaron Burr? - No fur. So, yeah, so I just, I couldn't wear the jacket at all. So I had to put it in my suitcase. - That's a relief. - Takes him a lot of room. So that was just a fun moment. Flew back, put the jacket in a closet, lock the door, put a chair in front of it. And then last weekend, Spokane. - Is that right? - That is right. - Finally, all right, give me every detail and then never mention Spokane again for another three, four weeks. - Five sold out shows and it's a bitch to get to Big Spoky. - Yeah, you got to get to what? Seattle or Salt Lake City first? - Yeah, I did many app and connected. And then you get there, you got one eye open. It's a hell of a long flight, but great shows. How about this one? Oh, shit, I shouldn't say this. - I'm sure it'll be fun. - And then you could never cause the problem before. - That's true. Never had to rush to edit anything. - Well, I had great crowds, but again, my hours stinks. So I'm really up there, just tap dancing and that whole thing. But I double booked, because I'm very unorganized. So I had two guys show up to open and they both flew there and all that and I was like, you know, one guy shows up and I'm like, hey, cause I kind of booked this shit, you know, when I post my calendar and then 800 comics go, can I do that one? Can I do this one? And I'd go, yeah, sure, whatever, blow me. And I show up and one guy's there and I go, hey, it's kind of a fun surprise for me. - Neither one of these people texted you before and said, hey, I can't wait. - Nah, we keep it light. - Okay. - So I go, hey, cause I get a fun. Like, oh, you're the guy I booked? I get to hang out with you all weekend. This will be great. - It's one of the craziest things I've ever heard in my life. - It's like a sitcom. He walks in the green and I'm like, whoa, I high five. And then through the other door over here, I go, what are you doing here? And he goes, you booked me and I go, oh, fuck. So now they hate each other. It's tense, the whole weekend's ruined. - Can you say who's who? - Oh yeah, this guy Caleb sign in. - I know Caleb. - Very funny, underrated, and then this guy, Cory McAless. - Oh, I know him. - Yeah, I know Cory for years. - So I guess he just drove the three hours, which isn't bad. - Yeah. - But I fucked up so I go, how do you guys want to do this? And they go, you tell us? So I go, geez. So when you guys want to do it, you're the boss. - When I'm alternating, you know, one guy goes first. - Yeah, I gave him both, I don't know, 16, 18 minutes, something like that.
Yeah, so it worked out and the crowds were great and they killed it those guys are both hilarious. Yeah, but Then they give you the money and they go well you guys both featured. So here's a feature check And I'm like it's only one check. That's only one checks and now they're splitting very little money Like it's already not a ton of money. Then you got to split it. Mm-hmm. So I go well wait a minute You should pay one as a host and one as a feature. Yeah, they should get the MC money. Yes, or is there an MC? No Well, yeah, they should get the MC money, too, but they were like well. They featured two features So that's a one of them must MC when the other one was featured I said so now we're in cohorts back and forth that I'm like, how is this an issue? So I gave him a bunch of money because I felt guilty, but it's a little strange, right? Well, maybe they don't pay their hosts Some clubs don't pay the host. Yeah, I think they do Yeah, well, so much you get the host money. I yeah, so we're we're still talking to them It's like $25 a set. It's like a hundred and twenty five bucks. I know they could use that cash That's crazy. That's cookie Kuku bananas, but we had a great weekend and I flew back and it was all Hunched Dory, but I'll just say this and I'll pass it on to the the Brexit over here So I landed Spokane. It's the longest flight ever. You finally land. You ever had this one? Get the Uber. I'm good with the Uber. I booked that Uber when I land I walk off the plane carry on walk right to the Uber carry on Exactly. That's not bad. It's pretty good. It's a foreigner. No It's like fun. I think a fun. I'm thinking a carry on my way. Oh, that's a yes. I can't hate that suck Who's the wayward son? I don't know, but that sucks. No dramatic blows Huh I thought it was a like a religious fable or some bullshit. Remember back when songs came on yet to like imagine what they were talking about Right now you can just Google it, but you had to really sit and think. Yeah So I get in the Uber. It's this young kid whipper snapper cute clean cut K with a Tesla and I go Nice wheels. I got crust on my eyes and jizz on my ass, and I'm like all right. Go on to the hotel and he goes let me ask you sir I love people I love driving people What's four things you would say to a young guy To make it life like what's your tips to life? And I was like, huh, and he's like what are three things that you three great quotes you heard I'm like, I like this guy. I don't know, but he's so young and nice and he's like, he's young He's probably like 18 or 19. That's a Pollock. I know, but he's trying to do this like Figure out life and connect it and I'm going places and I don't this is how I do my ubers I asked people there's three best tips. What's the best advice you ever got buddy? And I'm like, I guess that's okay I'm but you're just hot off it'd be like if someone Kicked you in the ass when you woke up and put you in an orgy. You're like, whoa hold on. I'm not ready for this I just got off a flight, right and so I'm like, I think Einstein said To each his own or something and three horses at a mule He said life is like riding a bike in order to keep your balance. You got to keep moving Okay, Einstein. That's good. That's good. Tell him that. I'll call him all right But I another great Einstein is I'm not smarter than anybody. I just stay with problems longer Which is good for comedy. Yeah, I've been staying with mine for 15 years now So yeah, it was just one of these you get off a plane and he's just hitting you with hard-hitting questions Yeah, are we doing a pod or is this mind 60 minutes? What is this? I don't care for that. It was like a self-help guy You know, he's one of those guys like tell me your three greatest triumphs. I'm like filming it for content No, that was the other crazy thing. I was like is this For the internet and he's like, no, it's for me. I'm I want to go somewhere in life And this is how I think I'm gonna do it. I want to get to know people and learn. Oh, wow So what you end up telling them I just made up a bunch of shit. I was like, uh toll-stoy and Abraham Lincoln and Frederick Douglass You know take a shower every three days and wake up at 5 to a cold plunge, you know I'm just talking out of my ass early to bed early to rise makes a man healthy wealthy and wise. There you go Ben Franklin. Hey, I like him. Yeah, he's good. He's good. Weird big womanizer Oh, yeah, you invented the post office plaster Paris the Almanac the bifocal Electricity stuff no kidding. Yeah, he was good. Yeah, that's pretty good pretty good So president and fat nugly too fat nugly readers. I don't think he was president I can already hear people being like oh this fucking idiot. He's a retard. He was vice president But wow, well, maybe I can't I hope that kid does well. He's going places, but again It felt like subway driver. He's going all kinds of places. That's true of five stars But he felt like subway takes, but I wasn't ready like somebody just put Yeah, you got out of the shower. They just threw you on it on its subway. You're like, ah, what's my take? Hey folks this episode of Tuesday's Stories is brought to you of course by Quince. We love Quince Quincy Jones No matter what you're doing this summer You'll you can look great doing it with Quince. Yes Everything from Quince has made well versatile and built to last from active wear to formal wear and everything in between Quince is high quality at a price that makes sense. I bought my I don't do this I bought my son gifts on Quince I went I was gonna get a little mother's day gift and I just went fucking hog while because Quince has everything It makes it so easy. 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That's Lucy.co/tuesdays promo code Tuesdays Here comes the fine print Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every customer is age verified warning this product contains the thing is an addictive chemical Boy, I told you my new tape. If I get to do that show again, hit me fingers crossed the first 10 minutes of every movie is awesome Every movie I've ever seen 10 minutes and I'm like, whoa, this is awesome. Yeah, now I'm sure there's examples I've got everything's like you got a hyperbolic, but in general when you're watching the opening credits of a movie I'm like, this is great. That's true. That's true. I'm a stoddy's really picking at that nail in the beginning You're just you're just like this is fun. You have hope for every film that's true. That is a good point There's something fun like produce by yes, directed by it's like someone's feet walking in an office Yeah, it's all where it's going right right two girls one cup. They get right to it You know, it's crazy. I watched milk on the flight home. Yeah, that they couldn't make that movie now How so every actor's straight. Oh, they wouldn't allow it good boy. Sean Penn is incredible I'm just an incredible performance. He's amazing. I believe he got nominated. He won. He won a meal. Hersh Sean Penn James Franco the other guy All straight guys. Can you imagine now I mean the director was gay Gus fans in but if you came out and you were like we're making a movie about You know Stockbridge. What's that bar stole wall? We're making the stole wall and you had you know you me and Chuck. Yeah straight
If you had you me and and Salah cute right the stole all boys. That's good point. They would go what the hell is this and back then that movie was like cutting edge It was progressive look at these guys playing homos and drinking milk, right? Yeah, it's a good film. That's good That's a hell of a picture, but um pen the way he yells bugs me because you don't see his teeth You ever notice any goes like who's always yelling in a movie like mystic river is a little much That movies got some silliness to get this perfectly round mouth, and it's just a whole a black hole with no teeth His leaves no lips. I don't know something about that guy's face is off to me. Maybe it's a choice But he doesn't yell in milk. He's got the New York accent. He's he's great and then one battle of course He's amazing, so he's good. That's great. Great. Yeah, he's a good actor. Anyways. Yeah, I watched milk I'm just watching a homo's kiss my son is looking over going what's wrong with you, but I'm like don't worry about it I'm cool. Yeah, I'm watching his milk, huh homo milk. Oh homo milk That was the original name home home that's what I called juice. He's a good guy homo milk. All right, so I hit me I had to get that out each milk. Oh all right. Well, I got all kinds of stuff this happened like six months ago But I had a big celebrity signing at my mall the mall clear Danes now walking through saw Tristan Harris You know that guy on the Facebook queen Facebook AI guy. Yeah, he's not a fan. He's something I was cool to see because you're like I see this guy all the time I think he's an American hero this guy. I like he's little right he's pretty little. Yeah, I mean he's not like Crazy little I don't know sure. He's not a big maybe. Yeah, okay. He's my height. Yeah, so pretty little But yeah, so I don't know that's not a story, but that was kind of cool. Did you say hey Tristan? Fuck the meta. Well, I looked at it, but I did you know delete everything off my phone So I feel like hey, you're you're making progress your big homo. All right, all right See, I think you'd like to hear that which I gotta tell you it's now been six weeks no Instagram. I'm loving life over here I don't know what the hell's going on good for you and when you delete you notice everybody else You're like this is crazy. Look at this asshole just staring and you just feel better than everybody. Yeah, it's really nice I feel like a million bucks. I was on the subway with my dad like six months ago and he goes notice every single person is on the phone And I was sitting next to my dad going well, I'm bored of shit, right, you know, but still he had a point every single person was on the phone Yeah, it's really something packed train looking at my phone right now Now I don't know where to go because it happens so long ago and I kind of want to talk about last night Cuz I did this crazy gig last night. Oh, lay it on me. So or maybe I should tell bell fast cuz that was Let's go you can save the gig alright bell fast was the funniest one so we go out there you fly fucking 900 hours with the baby with we're all in Coach we couldn't get the stuff. I got somebody tails. I don't know where to start. Ah Wow, so this was funny. So I got a friend who's a lady doesn't matter her name or our past relationship, but oh my I book my flight where eventually we're all going the three of us going to get a meat ceremony. We're all going and we're back in coach Cuz it's cost $75,000 plus my parents are coming. I pay for their hotels and their flight for London to Dublin So it's a whole thing. I'll talk it's fast. I can't look at the machine's guy good son. So just get through it So we're sitting in the back. We got in the long flight and it's an overnight flight a red-eye thing Ah, and you got a kid and you got a just for the time you have to stay awake when you get there and so you just want A sleep of course. Yes, but you can't sleep cuz you're just sitting upright. You got the head nod going luckily He's asleep. I'm like as long as he sleeps at least he won't be so fucked up So we fly out there. It was great when we landed he goes come on. Let's go. We're in Scotland That's funny. Ah, that's the baby three sentences in a row. Come on. Let's go. We're in Scotland Everyone's like, oh my god. He's amazing. I had his face painted blue and I screwed up. Hey Just a leather skirt. It wasn't a kill. But all right. So we land out there. We go to Scotland. That's great So then on the flight home originally Sarah and Marty were gonna go home a couple days early before Belfast after Dublin Because my parents were coming to Dublin and they were flying home to get to my nephew's graduation So I was like, all right you guys will go home a Couple days early. Yeah, cuz it saves us to go into Northern Ireland after that I'm like it saves us two border crossings which it turns out there's not even a border crossing now from Ireland to Northern Ireland. That's nice. A lot of progress. Progress used to be a little chippy over there troubles So this is a very nice euphemism for killing people with a car bump. Well, you know Ireland That's how they go. We had a little trouble. Yeah So they call them the Titanic or cold plunge folks so We're going out there and so they're supposed to leave Friday I'm like you'll go to the airport with my parents and then it saves us some extra cash going back and forth the blah blah and I'm telling my friend this and I go so and that plus that way I can fly home first class kind of making a joke You know whatever yeah, and she goes what are you crazy? They're the ones that you be in first class. Fuck you Your piece of shit doesn't get the humor of the situation. Just trying to be funny. Who is this? That's a person doesn't matter who these people are animals. So I go Yeah, well, you know, I'm just kidding and she's like you you gotta put them in first class Have you ever flown cross-country international with just a kid and I'm like well we fly all the time don't worry about it Yada yeah turns it to a spat okay, and I go all right. How about this? I'm upgrading them right now. What do you think about that? You're fucking piece of shit Bitch, so I go in and it's it's in euro. So I don't realize. It's like more. It's like twice as expensive as I think So I send the recycle there you go. I tell my wife. Hey, you're in first class now So this fucking piece of shit is yelling at me. I'm a good guy. I'm trying to be funny Whatever so now they're all in first class in the flight home. Wow So then we have the trip the trip is so magical and some of it's not even worth talking about on this pod This is a silly pod, but it was very fun and spiritual and beautiful and you're just Taking your kid international we went into the it's just beautiful. It was beautiful It was unbelievable. So then I'm like, I can't have you guys leave. It's too much. I want to see it through It's gonna be too much with the luggage and I'll just be so painfully lonely I'm extending the trip you guys are staying and you get the same on those flights. So then I got on the flight home. I'm in premium Cabin not bad just not dealt to one, but it's like it's like regular first class. Yeah, and I move their tickets to this flight and I go what does it cost to move the flight keep them in premium cabin the guy goes Well We're closer now that the flights of change the fares of change Trump's America That's gonna be $4800 to change and I go what change plus the additional fee from before I go I already bought the tickets the tickets were like $2,000 like I know, but now they're cost more It's all a racket. This is highway robbery. It's a racket. Skyway So I go well, what about main cabin? What if I move them on this flight, but main cabin he goes You'll get $300 back $300 should be three grand. Well, whatever. So I go, okay, well they're flying main cabin But here's the thing Marty only wants to fly with me So now the flight home we have one first class and two main cabins For them, but now we're the same flight, but he ain't what's with me. So now after all that My wife is in first class and I'm back in main cabin So the whole thing switch a route It went from me first class them main cabin then they get upgraded now. We're all in first class now I'm fucking back in main cabin now. I'm driving the bus. I got my knees covering my ears my son sitting on my nutsack and she's up there You know she's got chicken parm and tiramisu and tiramisu But then at the last minute I was like fuck this motherfucker cut this motherfucker right here And I used I you know I have all these miles. I never used miles 300,000 miles So I used 125,000 miles got their seats bumped up to first class. So I sat first class with him Sarah two seats behind me. We're like Maverick and Goose, which was fun. I was like him with that juice Miles Davis hands it to me. So now we're all back in first class. That was exciting. All right miles Had a big switch a route there. So that was fun But I got to tell you about Belfast. Please. It's a cool town. Yeah It's the worst city I've ever been to. I think in my life. You've been a zero cues. I mean, you know international So first of all, it's a two and a half week trip. We go to we fly to Edinburgh. We it's which is the coolest unbelievable That's the best of all the cities. It's like fucking Harry Potterville out there. Exactly. JK. It's just amazing plus that day one You have that feeling of we're doing it. We're here. I mean, it's fresh. Yes. We made it. We can do hard things We got through the thing. We got through the security. We're on the double-decker bus We're loving it. They're playing bagpipes. My mother's Scottish. My father's gay. How's the weather Unbelievable. Oh, it's like 75 and sunny. We got the luckiest luckiest alive Lucky charms. So that's Ireland. So We get out there. It's wonderful. We go to the castle. There's a playground at the bottom of Edinburgh castle It's just amazing and the food. It was just unbelievable. Scotch gulf Curling curling curling um kilt. Yeah Backpipes the bagpipes there the blue paint the dicks What else you got Scotch tape? Yeah
- Ground skipper Willie. - Yep. - Scotch egg. - Mike Myers. - Ah. - He does all that stuff. - Anyways. - That's good stuff. - So, there we go from Edinburgh. We take the train to Glasgow. We're in Glasgow for a few days. - That goes awesome. - That's a weird shithole, but fun. We had fun there. We embraced that. That show was great. At one point, we're in Glasgow and I was singing the Bonnie, Bonnie Banks of look. And the whole crowd joined it. We're like in this basement and we all sang together. - Fun. - It was kind of beautiful. - Great. - So then you go from there and then here's a life hack that somebody fucking could've told me, a travel hack, whatever. - Uh-huh. - Nobody shared this with me. So now we're going, we're taking the big train ride from Glasgow down to London, which is like a four and a half hour train ride. We're heading to like, you know, London now or fucking big, crazy city. - Foggy London down. - So, I'm like, we're getting us trains. The baby doesn't need a ticket. They all trains out there. It's fucking awesome. - I know. - Which is a million trains. It was beautiful. - Made better. - And I go, well, first class is only $40 difference there, but it's like a 280 pound trip, which is like $325. - Okay. - So I'm like, all right, well, let's go in class. It's only $30 more. So I get us two first class tickets on the train, four and a half hour train ride. It's like $700. We're making money from the shows. - You better believe it. - We got on the train. We take the train. It's beautiful. No one checks our tickets. Not a single time. - Ah, I get it. - Nobody looks. - Then we get to the show. I bring it up on stage. They go, it's a hundred pound fine if you don't have a ticket. - All right. - I bought two $400 tickets. The penalty for not having any ticket is a hundred bucks. - It's worth the risk. - I go, what are you crazy? - Wow. - They go, oh, that's the oldest trick. You fucking idiot. I spent, I just donated $800 to the British Empire. - Oh, this is why I don't have healthcare. - The crowd, I'm like, this is crazy. And they go, yeah, yeah, if you don't have a ticket. So we could have just sat in the seats and worse case scenario like, it was a hundred pounds. - Whoa. - I would have saved 600 pounds. - What are, that would never fly here. 'Cause everybody would do that and we get busted. But over there, they're nice. - It's nuts. I mean, I bought so many tickets that nobody checked. Looked at anything. - Wow. You got, you got Rook, you're a dumb American. - And in Dublin, the Lewis, J. Gomez is the train, the Lewis. It's all on our system. You buy a card, we put $50 on the card, you get up, you scan the card afterwards, you just tap it. - Oh. - So you ride the train, you get off the train, you go, boop, and it goes, thank you. - Wow. - All you gotta do is just not, here you have to jump over a turnstile. - Yes. - And everyone goes, look at this fucking idiot, middle-aged millionaire jumping the turnstile. - It should when you go, booch, go jump. - Yeah, yeah. - Idiot. - Yeah. - Homo. - So we buy eight-and-dollar train tickets, no one looks at 'em once, I'm a fucking idiot. Next time, just get on the train. - Good to know, it takes a couple of Americans to be like, steal, beat the system, fuck 'em. Of course. - Wow, by the way, travel hacks. - Good name for this show. - Hey, that's not bad. We always talk about traveling. - And we're hacks. - Yeah, there you go, so travel facts. So then you go from London, and I'll go into little stories here, but London's just amazing. One of the fucking great cities of all time, obviously. What a toot over there, ourselves. - Oh, I went back by the hotel. That's where I started hanging out with Monus, my boy. - That's right. - So, which by the way, every guy's always like, he's not hot, he's ugly, he's a shit. This guy, every woman is in love with him. - Is that right? - Yeah, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. - Really? - I've never heard a woman mention him. - They might be trying to keep something from me. - I mean, they all, it's nuts. I mean, I'm with the guy. They just, I think they're like tall. They're like the dipoles, he's got a very fine, he's got good hair. - Tall is big, tall is tits of men. - Oh, interesting. - I think it's tall is big tits. Ari had the best line, 'cause everybody's all over city, Sweeney, and I go, I don't think she's that pretty. I think it's all just 'cause she has huge tits, and he goes, yes, but she has huge tits. I know I said, she wouldn't be hot if she didn't have huge tits, and he goes, but she does. - Right. - And that's such a great Ari point, where I'm like, yeah, you got me there. - Right, it's supposed to have huge tits. - I don't know if you have to be the right kind of tall, though, 'cause I'm very tall, but I'm long. See, Lanky's no good, I'll tell you a bit about this. They want tall, they don't want Lank, look at this. Look at these Lanky's, Lanky's okay. 'Cause, you know, I take Lank over 5'10". - I think, I suppose so, yeah, I wouldn't want to be you, but the jawline, supersede, I'd rather be 5'2", with like a big old Bruce Campbell jaw. - And then, 6'3", and, you know. - You know, a little note, and they have one book, Chinese. - Sure. - Hey there folks, Tuesday's with Stories is brought to you, as always, by Shopify. Running a business is all about flexibility. Shopify has the tools you need every step of the way. Shopify is an e-commerce platform, millions of businesses, used by millions of businesses. If you ever see that purple shop pay button at a checkout, you already know Shopify. I didn't know that much about this. Louis J. Gomez was just showing me. He uses it for a gas digital and all the stuff. He was showing me the app, so easy to use. He gets a notification every time someone clicks on something. It's got the little, like, what is that, a line graph? He's got all the information, analytics. It was like blowing my mind, how good this thing is, and it's so easy, Louis can use it for God's sakes. Everything you need all one place, beating your business, run smoother. When that happens, your whole life is easier. If you run into trouble, Shopify's award winning 24/7 customer service. I mean, customer service that's winning an award, that's crazy. Tell them how to do it. Get them on the line. See less carts abandoned and more sales. Ch-ch-ching with Shopify and the shop pay button. Today, sign up for your $1 per month trial. Today at Shopify.com/tuesdays. Go to Shopify.com/tuesdays. That's Shopify.com/tuesdays. Get yourself some merch, Shopify. I think we have a new website. Yeah, sort of. Yeah, we'll see you there. Buy a shirt, get a mug. So, any farts, let me go to London, London's amazing. We took the train out to Bristol. That was crazy. Cute town. Great town. What's a ui burger on their recommendation? Fucking amazing. Let me tell you the great thing about ui burger. O-O-W-E-E, I think. U-E. It's like a shake-shacky thing. Here's what I loved about ui burger. And I'll send you the photo. On the menu, they have a burger that's called, I forget what it's called, but it's just beef cheese and bun. No sauce, no pickles. It's on the menu. And I want to move to Bristol because everywhere I go, I gotta go, hi, I'm a big child, I'm a homosexual, throw coffee in my face, shake a fist in my asshole. I don't want your burger sauce. Get your fucking homemade burger gravy out of here. Oh, I love the gravy. I don't want it on my burger. Beef cheese bun, that's on the menu. BFB, just put it on the menu. I did, that's a good call, I liked that. Beef cheese bun, this is how I feel about sushi. You don't like sushi, do you? I had it once, I threw it up. Oh, I started to spit it out of the restaurant. Well, John Fish, ironically. I was like, what? Oh, my God, you're incredible. You're a cleaf. But I'm cultured, I didn't care for it. Sushi, they put this mayo on it now. This is all American horse shit. There's like spicy mayo. There's mayonnaise on sushi. That's how far we've come. We put mayonnaise on sushi. It's like fucking tuna and salmon with mayo on it. Salmon marille, I mean. It's bad news. Raw fish with mayo, it's like you're fucking with me. I know. You're trying to come up with the grossest, it's like you're in a writer's room. Like, what's the grossest thing? And people do it, it's kind of like when ranch came on board. It was like, I did my pizza and ranch. I'm like, all right, well, I'm with the ranch now. No, no, I ranch. I don't care for, I feel like buffalo wings. Like, blue cheese or ranch, I'm like, no, buffalo sauce. I don't want a dip in, it's already in a sauce. That's true. Doesn't make any sense to me. I hear you, I do like a dip. It's like being like, let me get a piece of pizza. Okay, you want ketchup or, you know, come. I'm like, there's already sauce. Right. Why don't you know the sauce? Buffalo sauce is the sauce. I think Americans want more. We just need more flavors and more goo. We need gooey. What's the deal with the double sauce? Yeah. You got an orange sauce. You don't need a white sauce. Um, really sauces. But, uh, saucy jack. Ooh, ooey burger, ooey burger is fucking awesome. And then would your kid watch on the plane, ooey? Ah. Now, blueie, I got my pants are a little ooey, uh, I don't know. We're out of gas. Um, but anyways, so balfast, so after I've been in London, which is a, a world class city. Yes. Dublin's one of my favorite places ever, you know, I feel a connection there, of course, and then Glasgow is so cool and Edinburgh is the bad. So then the last, we're on the end of the trip. We go up to balfast. Now, balfast, it's 400 seat theater or rock club. I've sold 86 tickets. That's a tough market. I mean, I just swing in a mess up in balfast. You want to just go, hey, let's just nip this in the bud. We got out of here. Guarantee, but I wanted to go up there. I got an obsession with the troubles. I've read the books and all the stuff. And so I'm like, I got to go see this place. Ooh, she was there. So, yeah, it really was. So we go up there. And now it's like, we're at that part of the trip. We're like, we're ready. We got dirty, we've done laundry three times. Our clothes are dirty again. My pants.
parents have come and gone and we've just, it's so much traveling. My son is like, I wanna go home. Like he's like, my business toys and then you move, every time you travel, you gotta pack eight bags. - Yes. - And it's a nightmare. - It's a crazy travel 'cause you gotta get on the train and you gotta take him out of the hotel and walk to the train. Then you're, everyone's, you want my seat this seat? It's packed and you go, do we have this thing? Do you have that thing? And then he's trying to run around. - Traveling is a lot. - It's a lot. 'Cause you also have to go like, is this the right train gate? Is this the flight? - Right. - Where's our uber? We have to check into the hotel, get to the room, get the key. There's so many little steps and add up. - It's worth it. But your hands are full and then you're riding on the suitcase. Her wheel broke off at one point. You gotta pass the port nearby. - Oh. - And the wheel. - It's a lot. - And you're like, do we have the diapers? We have the thing that he shits his pants and then you go, okay, shit, we gotta do this. - Right. - Have a bus, skip any pop. - But they say it makes memories. The best experiences for a kid are trips when he's young. - Oh man, it was truly the greatest. I mean, it was, and I didn't wanna come home. It was fucking awesome. - And you're not gonna remember all that hotel shit and the wheel and all that. - Of course. - Of course. - No, it was just spectacular and the happiest time of my whole life. But you gotta get through it. You go to Belfast, you take the train up to Belfast. - Yep. - Which that was another funny one. We get on the train. Once again, we have first class, but it's too stuffy British people. An old British couple. We get in there and Marty, and this is on me, his shoe gets stuck between the two things, and he goes, "Fuck, fuck, fuck." And it's just two, this is the first time he's ever done this. And there's just two, 70-year-old British people, like in first class with T and my American son, just goes, "Fuck, fuck, fuck." - Oh, that's great. - And the guy goes, "At least his pronunciation is nice." And then he kind of laughed at the old lady was like, just staring at us and you're like, "Well, fuck you, you fucking bloody cunt." - Yeah, I'm gonna have to hear you once. - I make a good living saying, "Fuck, so you had to be like, you know, that's an adult word." I'd never say bad word. It's not a bad word, it's a grown-up word. But I mean, he just lay stuff three well-executed, exclamation point, fuck, fuck, fuck. - Whoa, is that you or is that from. - I think that's a movie show. - Yeah, it's from Goodfellas. We watch it every night. - Yeah, funny how. - But anyway, here's another great line. We're at a restaurant and Sarah goes, "All of the classic burger," because that's what's called in the menu, and he goes, "All of the classic milk." - Hey! - Come on! - Is that gold or is that gold? - Is he trying to be funny or is that just him talking? - I don't think he's trying to be funny. I think he's just like, he wants a milk. - That's right. - It says classic burger, so he says classic milk. - The kids are, they copy. Like, I, you know, I break down the boxes from Amazon and I'm stepping on the boxes, and then I'll just have a box, it's flat on the floor, and my kid'll walk up and go, "Oh, yeah, you got it." - He doesn't know what he's doing, but he saw somebody do it. - Oh, it's very fun, it's wonderful. So, now we got Belfast at the end, and you go, "Okay, let's go up to Belfast and try to get it up." Here we go, Belfast. And you take the train all the way up there. We took a bus back, by the way, 'cause there was no trains. It was, it's great. We did every kind of motor transmission you could do. We literally were on a boat, a plane, a train, a taxi, another train, a commuter rail, a scoop of the boobs, give it a bump. - Yes. Taxis. So we go up to Belfast. That city's, it's tough. It is not, it's not beautiful. - Sure. - It's not big, it's not, it's just, it's lacking something. Well, the whole personality, because it's Ireland, but it's not Ireland, and it's like, there's like soccer hooligans and junkies and-- - They're obsessed with Palestine. - It's not beautiful, it's weird, there's a weird town, and I was undersold the whole time. It was one of those ones where you're like, "Oh my God, we're at 89 tickets and a 400-seater." And it ended up getting up to like 120 or something. - All right, all right. So you're like, "All right, well, this was a tough one." Whatever, I always wanted to see the city. I did my own personal walking tour of the troubles, which is really mind-blowing. - It's unbelievable. - 'Cause these two streets are like a half a mile apart. They still have peace walls, they still close at night. - Eh, it's fascinating, the whole thing. - I always say, if you're like white versus black, men versus women, we'll go at each other, Ireland versus Ireland. - Right. - Or like the hoot twos and the tootsies, they're just two African tribes. It doesn't matter what, we just find any difference that we'll kill you. - Yeah, it's human nature. - It's quite a thing there, but like I said, I've just done so much reading about it and watching stuff that it's like, I'm finally here. - Yes. - It's like being at the polo grounds or something. You're like, whoa. But anyways, so we go there and I go to do the show. There's this woman named Wafa, who's very funny, opening for me. - Ah, Wafa House. - This is also embarrassing. I thought she was Irish, I think she's picked up some Irish accent that she's from Tunisia, but I just thought she was Irish because we're in Ireland and she goes, I'm from Tunisia. You ever hear of it? And I go, never in my life. 'Cause I'm thinking it's some Irish town. So she starts describing it and I'm like, "Oh, Tunisia!" And she goes, "Oh yeah, that's how you say it." So I find like a fucking idiot, I'm like, "I've heard of Tunisia, I'm not about Tunisia." We say it different. I thought you were Irish, so I feel like a fucking moron. - Was she a honky? - I mean, she's Tunisian. So she looks white. - Sure. - But I think she's, you know, she's Arabic. - I got you. - But yeah, she looks, I thought she was Irish. - Got it. - So I guess she's white, I don't know. I don't know what's what anymore. - Yeah, it's hard to say. - But I think she's Arabic, but she said, "Hi, I'm from Cleveland." - You go with it. - I would have been, "Oh, okay, nice to meet you." - I don't see color. - I don't see Cleveland. But why pull that name? (laughing) It's kidding, she's there in hilarious June 20th. - Hey, there you go. - I think I'm gonna go along. - Is Becca opening? - Uh, but I might do a set myself. - Hey. - There you go. - But anyway, so go out there, Waffa's opening. She's great, very nice. So I get to the room, I'm like, all right. How do we get up to 110 tickets? Okay, great. Waffa comes in, very kind. She's a fan. She's beautiful. - Hey, all right. - And then she just had a baby three weeks ago. She's a three-year-old son and a three-week-old daughter. - Holy moly, she's in the thick. - So she brings her husband shows up who couldn't have been nicer. He is Irish or North and Irish, she's British. She's British and Irish. It's a very confused situation. - Oh, okay. - That's tough. - They all have British and Irish passports. - Yeah. Very, very strange. - I thought they hated the Brits. I guess that's over. - But they are the Brits. - Hmm, that's the whole thing. - Got it. - That's what the whole Kabab was about. - Uh-huh. - That's what about religion? - Huh? - Huh? - It wasn't about religion. - Protestant and Catholic? - They happened to be divided by Protestant and Catholics, but it wasn't a religious war. It was about like two thirds of Northern Ireland was British and wanted to remain British. - Yes. - And the rest of the island became Ireland. And then there was like a small pocket that's like, no, we should all be Ireland. - Yes. - And then the other two thirds were like, no, no, we're British, fuck you. - Why? - Why would you want to be Irish? - Well, I think the British, they came there from Scotland and England and they had immigrated over there and they had been colonialized. The whole area and they're like, we're British, we love Britain. - Yeah. - And that's what it's still like. You go over to the one street, you see Union Jack and fucking Queen and King Charles, and then you go over two things, and it's like Michael Collins. - Right, right, right. Colin Clinton. - Oh, Mel Gibson up there, yeah. So, anyways, it's all confusing, it's all pipes. - Interesting. - So, he comes in and we're chatting, blah, blah, blah, he's very nice, nice guy, and he's trying to tell me some stories. I can't understand what the fuck you saying. Babies in there, it's great, time for the show to start. So, we take an elevator down to the showroom. - All right. - So, Waffa goes on, I go to introduce her and you do the thing where you're on the god mic, and I'm sure you do this, I learned it from Louis, but many people do it, of course, you go on the god mic and you go, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show. Yeah, that's me, yeah. - Yes, yes. - All right, let's show, he's back there, I can hear him, and then you go, listen, I brought an opener and they're great, whatever. So, I do it in Belfast, I go, welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the fucking Belfabababab, hey, I'm only joking, it's me. - Yeah. - Nothing. - No reactions, so I'm doing this gang where I'm like, "Ah, fuck it with you, it's old Joe List." - Oh, no. - Crickets, and I go, "Joe List." It's me, I'm back here. - Right. - Zilch. - Ah, so it's like an American show. - It's like the most embarrassing moment of my life. - Oh, that's stupid. - 'Cause I'm doing a thing, and they don't know, and I go, you guys know who I am, and one guy goes, "Truth." - Oh, okay. - Okay. - And one other guy goes, "Yeah, do his gaze." - Yeah. - So, there's 118 people that've never heard of me ever. I'm doing this big stick of like, "Ah, I'm here." - Oh, no, who are these randos? - I think, I don't know, people that had nothing to do. It was also the Champions League final. So, it's like the biggest European sports, it's like the Super Bowl was going up. - Oh, no, the timing. - So I go, "All right, well, fuck me, I'm an idiot." That was humiliating. - Yeah. - I bring out Waffa, she goes on stage, she's doing great. I take the elevator, I'm gonna go to the dressing room. So, I take the elevator back up, and before there had been a guy bringing us, like an elevator attendant. He's not there, but I'm like, "I understand elevators. "I'll press the button." - Sure, up and down. - Go up to the dressing room, I had to take a big shit, but then her husband and the baby are in the dressing room. So, I'm like, "I can't take a big steamy shit "next to a three-week-old baby, she could die." - That's true, the fumes. So, I tell the guy that the runner running the shows, I go, "Hey, I gotta take a shit. "We gotta have an infant in there." He's like, "Yeah, sorry, it's crazy there in there." I'm like, "I know, it's in my own troubles." It's taken my land, I thought it belonged to me. They thought it belonged to them, so I put on a ski mask and shit.
but so then he's like, well, tell you what, there's a country band, they're on stage. You can use their bathroom. And I was like, what is this American night? I don't know. So I go in there and I'm just taking a big shit in fucking, you know, Claire Underwoods. - Sure. - Toilets. - She was gran on the roast. - And these toilets are different in Europe, so I just leave all this graffiti. It just looks like this swastik is in fucking. - Toilet paper. - You know what, semi-colons, whatever it is, I take a big muddy shit. I leave all the shit in the toilet. I feel like an asshole, but I got a baby in mine. I flush, but it stays there. 'Cause their bowls are different. The water's like lower. Your shit lands on land. What's up with that? - It's not good. They haven't figured that out yet. - Well, they're a little silly. - Troubles. - They had other stuff going on. - I guess so. - So then I go, all right, well, he's in the green room. The baby's sleeping in there. I don't want to sleep with a baby, toddler, maybe. - Sure. - So I go in the element, I go, I'm going back downstairs. I hit one on the thing, it says stage left. I take it down, now in the elevator. - Uh-oh. - I'm just looking at my phone, picking my nose, elevator door opens, I'm on stage. - Whoa, what kind of elevator is this? - Because they do zero, one, two, three. - Ah. - The floors. - And it's said stage left, but I did not. Earlier, I had been stage left, but down a little flight of stairs. - Got it. - So I saw stage left. I was like, oh, that'll take me to where I was. - So you're out with Waffa now. - The elevator door opens. There's 180 people that are all sitting the front 'cause it's a 400 seat theater. So I'm literally, I got my thumb in my nose, I got a heart on, and I'm looking at child porn. - Sure. - Two more opens. I go, and I started walking off. I go, wow, like Kramer. - Oh my God. - I'm just out of the stage with her. - Did Waffa think this is some American gag? - No, she's in like an acta. She's like bent over, going, boy, it's so crazy. And I go, Jesus, so I jump back on the elevator. They're looking at me. I press the button as fast as I can, but I miss. I hit the bell. It goes, the alarm has been called. Please stay still. Help is on the way. Help is on the way. I'm going, ah, so the door's stuck open. So now I'm leaning in the corner, trying to stay out of visual, and I can see the one, two's gay, and three actual gays all going, look at that. The alarm's going off in the thing. Finally, I get the doors to close. It was just a fucking comedy of errors. - That's crazy. - So then the show ended up being great. They were very nice. - Okay. - There was more than a three, there was like maybe 10 fans or something like that. One guy, 45 minutes in, goes, tell some stories. I'm like, I'm doing that for 45 minutes. - That's the weirdest thing. I get that all the time. - And then another guy's chair broke, which was fun. Big, heavy guy, his chair just went (laughs) and then a guy gave me a Seinfeld pes dispenser. - Bob will head. - What do you call those things? - Depart. - Yeah, he's holding the pes, but it's like that pop. All right, what do they call those things? The big head things? - That guy right there? - Masked. - Oh, Bob will head. - Not a Bob, no, not a Bob will head. - Oh. - It's called pop art, I think. - Oh yeah, it's a Funko pop. - Yeah. - It's just a little fun. - I think it's what those are. - Where? - Of you guys. - On the shelf. - Oh, and the shelf, oh, there they are. - Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's exactly, it's one of those. Sorry, I'm looking at the Bob will head things over here. - Got it. - So he gave me one of those, which was very sweet. So it ended up being great. Waffo was great and, yeah, just a lot of fun, but man, we were ready to get back to Dublin. I'll tell you that. - Yeah, oh, really? Yeah, Bill Fass is not like going on. And I bombed horribly there. That was a tough show. I had a guy, he was, I was bombing so hard. He went, look, look, I'd rather watch TikTok. And he just showed me his phone. And I was like, ah, thanks, asshole. And they, they, some guy yelled at him. They got to a fist fight on the balcony. And I was like, oh, this is a great show. - Wow. - Yeah. Yeah, it's a very, very strange place because it's like a sense. Ireland, but it's not, alright. So guy wrote to me, he's like, you summed it all up better than anyone when you said, I have no idea what this place is. - Yeah. - I was like, what is this? - What is it? - It's very strange. - And it feels so far. I don't know if you've ever been to Australia, but they have all these town, Melbourne, Sydney, Adelaide, then you go to Perth. Perth is on the other side of the island and it just feels weird and isolated and different. It's like going to Puerto Rico or something. - Right. - Then we took the bus back. Oh, and then this was great. We got on the bus. And it's one of these systems where, I don't know why everywhere doesn't have like the bank line that allows you to line up. Like places where it's like, choose your own seat. Have the little bank line situation so you can decide when you're in line. This is like, we're taking the bus and it's just, you know, 85 people just standing in a circle. - Yeah. - And there's no, okay. We're gonna, oh man, two notes. We're gonna start boarding now. It's just the bus driver just goes to the window. So everyone rushes, we go, and we got eight bags. So we're like, oh, fuck, we gotta grab the thing. And then suddenly, so we're getting on last. We're like the last three on. - You look like a nice agent. - So we get in, there's three seats in the bag. I'm like, we're not gonna sit together. It's gonna be crazy. And Marty doesn't have a ticket. He's gonna sit on my lap for a two hour bus ride. - Yeah. - We get all the way to the back. And there's this IRA looking guy. He's got rosary beads tattooed on his face tattoo, shaved head, track suit. He looks like the bad guy in every Boston movie. - Yes, yes. - And he goes, he'll watch us sit in the back seat. I'll just take the thing. - Yeah. - And he gives us the threesome. Next to the toilet. - He can't judge. - And his seat in the front of us is the only seat with no window, 'cause it's like a decal on the side. So he takes the no-view, gives us the threese seats. I wanted to blow this guy and buy him a, you know, a Guinness or whatever, because it was the only section with threese seats. I'm like, if we were on first, this is the exact seats that would have taken. - Hey. - So it worked out great. Party slept and that guy's a good man. - Yeah, I will say, I've been to Ireland a couple of times. The Uber ride from the airport to the hotel. The guy was so funny. There's such funny people in Ireland. He was on, he was zing and he was zanging. And you get intimidated. You're like, what am I doing here? This guy's funny to me and I'm the show. Then the heckles were great. - Right. - You do Vickers Street, the heckles are unbelievable. And everybody's funny. And also, did you get heckled at all? I couldn't understand them. - Oh yeah. - The guy in Scotland was like, what the heck are you going to do? You're like, ah shit. I don't know what to do here. - Right. - Now some guy was like, do some crowd work. And then I was like, I'll say where you're from. The guy was like, get a scallop and go. - Yeah. - And I was like, I don't know what the fuck this guy's talking about. - I know. They said our curry was there. He's like, what's your deal? The guy's like, could he be an urban? And he's like, all right, how about you? And he said it was 45 minutes of me going, huh? What? - It's like Vinnie Brand. - Yeah, exactly, exactly. - No, Dublin, Dublin's the best. I fucking, I love Dublin. And we took a train down to Bray, which is like a coastal town, which was also awesome. The train goes right across the Irish Sea, which is sharks in it, which is crazy. - Wow, Irish sharks in Ireland, yeah. - That's great, a little red beard. - Kind of fun, drunk. - But yeah, it was just the greatest. And I don't want to hog too much. - No, no, let me ask you. Did you get any American friction? - What do you mean? - You know, anybody like, uh, look at this fucking Yankee Conte over here. - Oh, no, not really. No one gives a shit. Well, at one point, I was like, on stage in Dublin, I was like, you guys should move taking America. It's fun. Everyone was like, boo, fuck you. Why would we do that? - All right. - Which Dublin is crazy expensive. I didn't know that. It's like equivalent of LA. - What? - Yeah, yeah. And they have like a housing problem, 'cause I think it's old, what do you call that? Well, you can't build stuff zoning laws, I think. But, and I think immigration, so it's very expensive there. - I know. - Which I always thought Dublin was like, I'll move to Dublin, save some money. - Did you get any, uh, eh, fuck, trip, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, I didn't vote for the guy, I don't yell at me. - Right. - No, no. - I got a lot of that in New Zealand. - No, nobody brought it up, I don't think. But I think it's, you know, it's there. Well, but the hell of a trip, Scotland, Scotland was the winner, it sounds like. - No, I mean, it was all awesome. I mean, I got more stories, but I don't know. It was all fantastic. The last day was like, the first and last day was the two best, 'cause we got Sunday, we got back to Dublin, and then we went to O'Donohews, which is my favorite pub of all time. And they have, Sunday they have music all day. - Oh, I love that. - So we went in and Marty was a hit. They just love them. They let them strum the guitar, which was so fun. I got a video him playing. The guy was playing chords. Well, Marty was playing guitar and we sang along. We did dirty old town and whiskey in the jar. It was just fucking perfect. Then we went to St. Stephen's Green. It was a perfect day. We were kicking the ball around. We went to the playground. And it was one of those ones where the first and last day of a trip always feels so good because the first day you've arrived, you're like, here we go. And the last day you're like, we did it. We're going home tomorrow. It's done. And you just feel so proud of yourself. - Yes. - And the weather was perfect. And I just really fucking love Dublin. And my kid is just the best travel. He's like truly a great travel. - That's a gift. - He just goes with the flow and he just, he doesn't have like breakdowns or anything like that. He's just like an angel. He just goes with it. It's amazing. - I gotta be, I watched all the videos that Sarah posted. It just, it makes you want to travel. You're like, 'cause she cut it so well. We're like, oh, you're by the fountain. Oh, you're at the playground. Oh, you're at the castle. Oh, you're at the bar. I was like, man, this looks great. - Yeah, it was incredible. And also you're just so removed. - Yeah. - From all the stuff. And I'm not on social media. So, and then there, we're not watching any news or anything. - Beautiful. - And you're not even bumping into anyone. That's like, oh my God, did you see my cousin took a shit in the ice cream at the 57 flavors. - Good to get away. - It was just,
Perfect and then because we had the boy all you're doing is like sightseeing and taking care of a kid and I didn't want to come back. It was fucking phenomenal Well the good thing about traveling not to get too queasy but it makes you at the end of the the trip You're like ah miss this about my apartment. I miss this about my bed. I miss this about New York I miss this about my friends. So then you go. I love where I live I love my life. I love comedy. I love this and that so then you get to come back to that even though you can Fuck the JFK. Yeah, you get to come back to you make you miss your life again. Yeah, that was I mean the first thing I did was after we got home after three hour commute home. I fucking went straight to Chipotle I was like give me all the hot sauce. Yeah, I've been eating fish and chips and burgers and fries and fucking beef stew For two and a half weeks straight. Give me a hot I haven't I haven't touched anything of any heat Yes, give me a Chipotle a black guy and a smoothie. Yeah, it was fucking it was great. It was great to be home and Yeah, I go to Boston a day Do you yeah, well for it's my nephew's whatever the fuck You weren't going right back to the the motherland, which is crazy that The history of the show like my my nephew was like four years old when the show started I just graduate high school. Well, it's great. Whoa this show. Yeah. Oh my god. That's cuckoo or whatever I mean, I don't know how long we do the show at 2013. Then doing the show for 13 years. Oh You when you put it with the high school. That's insanity. Yeah, I mean our kid is old enough I mean our if our show was a person maybe old enough to fuck. Oh That's Jesus Christ, that is banana. Well, we got to wrap this up. Yeah, yeah, we're gonna do a bonus and I I got a I got a question for you in the bonus Boy, I'm gonna save it. All right. Great. Save it up What what day is it? What day are we in June 15th? Oh, okay This week I mean Calgary last. It was supposed to be in Pittsburgh they double books and I'm going to Calgary which by the way I put off mind the ticket $1,600 for main cabin to go to Calgary I will say it's a great comedy town. Trump's America, baby 1600 bucks with layovers. Oh, that's not no bells no whistles. This isn't this isn't I bought a first-class to $1,600 for just main cabin layovers to Calgary. Where is that? That's on the west side, right? The west side like it's fucking LA It's like Canada. Yeah, it's like above North Dakota. Yeah, all right. All right. Yeah, not not coast, but it's pretty far That's a bitch. Um, anyways, I mean Calgary this weekend check it out Whatever that room is Thursday Friday Saturday and then Portland, Maine July 2nd 3rd We added a third show. Hell yeah, that was one sold out quick. So we might add a fourth show um, and then Ghostie Sarah at Hilarities. Uh, I might pop in June 28th. That's a Sunday night if you're in Cleveland That's fun. I'll be there and then I forget where the fuck I am in July. Uh, I'm looking at you like maybe you know, but I don't think you know I don't know anyways Yeah, go to punch up live.com and the Skankfest doc is really coming along. It's crazy. Oh hell yeah, you got We're thinking about a date to ballpark. What premieres at the festival. Oh great. I'll watch it there All right. I will be in. Sorry. I forgot was this July you said Oh great. That's around the corn I'll be in the tempi improv love tempi we added a show. That's a fun club fun town Mark Ridley's comedy castle and Detroit area Then Cleveland, Ohio as well awkward Emerald City comedy club in Seattle, which I hear is great. I've never been pumped to do it. Tampa floor to side split bringing the kid Cobbs and SF improv in Houston Zane's in Nashville The Pittsburgh improv and I'm coming out to East Hamston to do uh, I forgot the name of the place But it's a cool venue. Give it a goog. It's on my website East Hampton Going out going there for the summer. What do you got there? Choo-choo train Check out my podcast fun bearable and uh, you know, we're still working on this very special film project So if you're interested in uh, financially contributing. It's uh, it's gonna be really fun It's kind of a secret for now Hit me up in the DMs at discount chuck. Oh, I hate that said hit me up in the DMs at discount chuck And then or email me at
[email protected] and I'll fill you in a lot of twosgays or Coming part of this and I really appreciate it and uh, yeah, right me. All right, praise our luck. We fit up You're uh, you're all over the place get on the patreon. Yeah, absolutely. I'm gay Jews killed Jesus and uh, we'll see you now and he was jesus, jesus Jesus all right Imagine trying to move this thing watching the music time. Please, one day.
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