#659 Power Manger

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hitter in the face of the surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah this Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy yeah folks here we are we're back in New York City the Yankees the best the Rangers the next mom Donnie the rats the hobos the train and the Bush women and Brooklyn that still forget their fucking 50 feet from here in the Liberty Liberty yes yes that's you of Liberty Lady Liberty yeah boy I'll tell you that I live right by Barclays when is a Liberty game it's just full Lilith fair out there it's just period blood and backwards hats and lesbians and labian scissors who was Lillith is that somebody who's got a flower or some shit you look like a Lily I'd say Lillith I'd say it's a lady is a woman named Lillith Jill Lillith is something like that Lillith you have to give that a goog there Chuchu because I know Sarah McLaughlin or block Lynn is there a K in there or just a case of an angel whoa she's the dead dog bitch you know somebody else oh yeah yeah she's always got the cats with a one eye and a dog that was abused and he's all crooked and dirty Lillith Fair who else was it the closer I am to fight that song is great and then you see a lot of Melissa Heathridge out there she was good too she was good come to my window yeah she was good jewel I'm sure can we are we going to get flagged for all this I don't think we sing well enough okay great notice yeah let me ask you this I had this thought today and I don't know if this is offensive right out of the game but this is a genuine question all right hit me fatty what's the difference between God and Jesus now I know Jesus is the son of God there you go you see like Jesus loves you and then you see God loves you in God we trust so who's better who's doing more work it's a good question I think God is is no more oh no he's the head hauncho he's up there in the clouds with the white beard and the robe and the omnipotent now can you accept God without Jesus because it's Jesus saves now Jesus will do this but then you see God so there's a lot of God and Jesus so they're both they like Darth Vader and the emperor yes yes that's a great way to put but they're good so Jesus is Darth Vader yes the emperor that's good that's good I'll write it down I love that God has the lightning because he lightnings him yes yes from the clouds he kills the gaze and then Jesus is he's like the man on the boots on the ground right you know he's going he can save you though if you're a hooker or you'll go water you need wine he does a little this but God can save you too that's true but Jesus is face to face well God can do anything but Jesus is dead though right well he's out there he might come back they said well he did come back he came back did he leave again because I know he came back on Sunday that's the chocolate bunnies is that right I believe good Friday they fucked him all up and then Easter he came back which many people have pointed out Easter should be a bigger holiday than Christmas he is risen because Christmas he's born that's that's whatever who gives a ship a Madison Avenue got their ass in there on Christmas they figure that one out and let me ask you this who's Joseph that's you because Joseph and Mary had Jesus but he's the son of God so is God Joseph Joseph's just to do he was a vehicle he's a dude but he had he gave birth to Jesus no he had he was she was a virgin Mary so God impregnated her was his omnipotence they raised Jesus they were the guardian well that's the great Gerardo Joe he's like this whole religious is just based on a guy who really stuck to his story that's one of the great bits of all time totally I mean clearly Joseph blew it in her yeah they were fucking out in Nazareth he's a real pig virgin Mary I know but I think they're I think it's full of Baloney they they they banged after that did she blow him he must have blown yeah there's a lot of mercy Mary blue Joseph yeah so Joseph has no powers he's just whatever he's a guy he's like a farmer but did he raise Jesus yes like super man super man's dead who was also a farmer yes whoa maybe there's no kidding man Jesus parallels here because in this Joel who's God oh I think this is obvious is by the Chuck's face I didn't realize it's now well I'm not a super man guy I think he's gay I think it's like stupid it's got the little curl I don't get it he's got some moments ah you're saying that for Jerry he stinks I mean he's not I like Batman Batman guy yeah but Batman's cool Superman is a sees a sees a staple you need him he's the guy I guess but the move I tried to watch Superman one and it stinks on ice it's like full hour before Superman shows up yeah Reeves that fucking horse at horse accident but then they've pointed they maybe will point this out like he's in just glasses cost him his glasses that's that's never talked about come on now there's a reason there's like some kind of like these glasses are hypnotic or something no he was just a daily planet nerd no I'm telling you I because I'm like what the fuck is with these glasses and I googled it and they're like hypno glasses I have a theory because all these these superheroes are made up by Jews whoa they're all all the writers of Jews Stan Lee Stan Lee's a big heb bobcane who did Batman oh yeah I don't know about curve but the guy who did Superman is too Cleveland Jews flight to Cleveland yeah I can't remember their name but I think they think that's what a Gentile looks like oh they just drew a Gentile like man this guy strong he's tall he's got nice hair damn right no nose yeah that's us baby theory but anyway so Joseph is nothing he's a guy who was hook it up with a Mary and she gave birth to a baby see because you never really see a poster of Joseph or a sign look out for Joe now then there's the wise men oh yeah yeah three of them right three of them and they came with gifts for some reason we and then the drummer boy oh yeah let's see about there's a burning bush which sounds like it hurts yeah I've had a little bit of that yeah recently gotta get some antibiotics the special shampoo all right that too I got a bright red shampoo you have rub it in there and you can let it sit for about five minutes is it crabs jock it ah been there well it comes back I got all these things that come back yet of the warts foot warts jock it trapeze alcoholism uh warts yeah guy child yeah he comes back I keep coming back I'll come on you back but it's true you do have the reoccurring stuff you like reoccurring characters everything yeah yeah it is it's like a sitcom over here you got um Kenny Bania down there that's funny word can I use that so anyway so Jesus is good and God is so if you like Jesus you must like God and vice versa definitely okay well God you can like God but not Jesus because there's different gods well that's Jewish if you're Jewish you don't believe in Jesus you only believe in God but he's a Jew exactly he's a Jew Jesus a Jew they don't believe in their own guy they don't believe in Mary or Jesus that's a testament then who's Abraham that's the Old Testament Lincoln no the Jews believe in the Old Testament the Jews believe in the Old Testament and yet Jesus is only in the New Testament that's what I said Moses Moses he's the red seagull yeah he part of it yeah like a haircut I don't know the testaments now I know about old and new the sequel BCAD you know that before Christ and anode to many see man I don't know what that is that means in the year of our Lord but there you go all right this is what I'm done uh informed episodes of all time absolutely we're teaching the people I went to Catholic school I don't even know half of the shit yeah I know I just know it from movies and shows and what yeah I know that my dad had a are still has a a manger whoa fun to play with yeah yeah yeah he's a big Catholic school kid and we used to beat him out and then one time or a manger me and uh Jimmy Cranchard we would do in a bit because it was after the LA riots and there was one black guy in there and then we had the three wise men we were pretending to beat him up in his head fell off but it rolled away I'll just laugh to laugh easy isis well that that riot was a big deal was a hum digger I'm so glad I was nine when that happened so I couldn't really take it all in but the Koreans were up there with an elephant gun on the roof of the bodega oh yeah we were just driving through career time that show downtown LA Luke and I were talking about it those Koreans are no joke they were like you see those photos they got a cigarette hanging out they're like because I think they were an X military yeah photo this video it's crazy yeah pumping everything like just on their store you gotta respect the Korean I love a Korean I love Korean films I love the good game I love golden we're gonna be gonna be golden BTS that song rules yeah behind the scenes yeah that's the name of those twinks those elation kids who are hairless I also love gangnam style yeah my son's favorite song classic when he pops out of that stage I come all over my face but yeah they really expect but I talk about this a lot that was such a formidable memory because that Reginald Denny yeah we all gonna love it it still scares me to this day they just grabbed him he's driving and then they fucking threw up Brick in his face and spray painted his tits. Oh the truck driver. The truck driver. Oh, that was crazy Yeah, had no radio. It was guy and you when you're 10 years old my parents didn't protect me from anything They just threw on the news and they talked about it. So I'm 10 Yikes, I'm watching TV and then there's just a man getting dragged out their dance and doing hip-hop Yeah, and kicking them in the face. There's eyes hanging out. Oh For no reason and it sees a honky and at least you know What's Rodney King and this is terrible to say that as a ten-year-old boy at least you're like well He must have done something. Yeah, sure. We all thought that Reggie, you know, but they shove the nightstick up his Pooper no, that's a different guy. That's Rodney. I don't think so. Rodney. They just beat the snot out of me Move this up on the podcast. Oh, we have yes, and no dice. That was a different guy There's a lot of horrible abuse to go around. There was the other guy that got Plungered they plunged his guts out of him. That was in New York. No way Networks look it up. You can plunge a guy's asshole and the guts come out. How would it not work? Well, there's a lot of stuff going on This bones give it a good look. I'm telling you give it that a hug them down They they do a plunger on his ass because it sucks if you seal it wow the the original olympic Yeah, they take it right out. He's kidney right out of it, man We're gonna do that more often. We should do that to criminals. Fuck the depth. They did it to a criminal Well, I'm saying like in jails and from now on like that should be a sentence in jail Like, uh, you're sentenced to two plunges. Well, it's a bit cruel as well as unusual. You're telling me You got to get a spleen and a Intestine coming out of your ainus. That's a wives tail. What's going on here? I'm looking at it. If you see it and I'm not sure what incident you mean by plunging the inside of the house a little man NYPD plunger In there. I read it on a popsicle stick once. I'm telling you You push it down the tracks. You're getting plunged cold plunge They plunge and they all went there said, hey you guys are in big trouble. You can't be plunging of criminal No, no, I mean just to think of that. It's crazy. What about a rotor ruder? That's the motor ruder That's when you get that wire in there and start start pulling out the shit in the pipes the wires showing. Yes. Yes Good show jaws nothing on there. I'm telling you Plunge crazy. Let me Google you don't know how to Google you have a good bad Googler They use the other end. They didn't plunge it out. They kind of like oh They fingered him with the stick. Yeah, they fucked up his guts. Yeah, told you they fucked up his guts with a plunger You made it sound like they pull his spleen out. Well, whatever NYPD 1997. Yeah, incident Wow 97. That wasn't so long ago. 59 years old assault of Abner Luhima Yes, nice big Abner. He was a Haitian guy physically tack brutalized and raped After his rested his injuries were so severe that he acquired three major surgeries. Wow telling you they fucked this guy Incident August 9, 1997 the 70th pre-sync I'm telling involving the fight outside of club Accusation on the ride of the station the rest of his offices beat live with their fists nightsticks and held the fuck all right Searched we got it. We got to chase the channel sexually assaulted teeth were badly damaged They punched his teeth out. Oh, no Suffering severe internal damage to his colon and bladder in the attack Lee all right abnormal homosexual activities yikes Whoa a.j. Oh Man two months after the incident he was hospitalized two months That's late for dead. Well, I think they sucked his ass right out. Wow. Yeah, like an inside-out asshole after this Poor guy. It's fire Island all over again. Well, they were fired. That's true. I don't know. That's fired. Anyway, oh boy. Well, it's quite a quite a start there. How was your weekend? Great weekend one of the blacking a toilet weekends of my whole life. I think yeah, yeah this past weekend I don't know what day it is. I'm fucked. I'm all fried. I'm gay. I'm turned around. I'm road hard and put away fat Well, I don't know what's going you going to Starbucks? I can use a coffee Hey, that's not bad. We better pause if we want to order Shoot us. Where'd he go in the middle of it? He didn't say it in the woods. I mean he said plenty before he's plunging Yeah, so we got back from L.A. Lala land the Netflix fest unplug that like would you? Huh is Mike? That's a joke. Oh, oh, I think it's a light. Let's have a joke But yeah, boy, we got a lot to a lot to go in on. Well Netflix, so we did one pod together But that was early on in the festival remember in the couch. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that was after the live pod though, but so much happened since then I mean that day you were running. Oh, you're happy. It's crazy. So we already covered Bill Burr. We covered Bill Burr Well, then I hung out with Burr the next day Which is that because you know, we were a little worried because him and I were like a manager in an umpire. I kicked dirt on him Going at it hard. That was like Earl Weaver I'm like you stole my joke your home. Oh, you've seen star wars. Fuck you pussy. So good for you because he's not the easiest cat to Durango. No, he was not wrangleable, but he was hilarious as always. Oh, so good so funny and then The next day I went to the v cut the cigar lounge shout out to Kyle. He's a big fan right on Melrose Melrose right next to the improv best spot in the world good times and I ain't show it to Derek also Not my Derek other Derek and Kyle both fans great guys Great spot. So I went there and I texted burr. You know nervously, you know cuz these guys they're big celebrities They're busy. They were huge when we were boys. Yes. Yes, you look up to them and then you have them on your pod You're like he probably hates us. I don't want to do it I still haven't text him because I'm too scared to bother him So I texted I was like hey, you want to meet at the v cut and I just whip my phone to the list out of the room And he's like you should have texted me earlier and I'm like well, I thought you were mad and he's like You're the gayest man alive. You fucking homo. Okay. He's my dick. Well, then maybe stop acting like you're mad all the time But anyways the next day went over the house we had a cigar. It was delightful beautiful home. Oh, that's nice right out there on the dick I bet with the the open air and he's probably got a pool. Well Los Angeles. You just I want to move to LA. I'm moving to LA That's it. There we go. It's enough already with Texas Texas is out. Yeah Up in there too long. I'm going to LA. You go to LA. It's 63. It's sunny every day You got it about to get a new mayor So you might a might have a whole different world over there about that debate I didn't watch it but look what does this tell me they were like we got to bring beds to the homeless He's like they don't want that they'll stab you to death. Yes, they want meth. It was a fun debate That is fun. He called her a liar and he goes Google it. Google it folks. She's lying Google it So everybody Google it and she lied no kidding. Yeah, it wasn't pretty It's weird because they keep saying we want to we got a plan for LA. We got to do this for LA And I'm like but LA's but there's homeless everywhere. You had a plan. You've been mayor for two terms or whatever like why do you do it before? It's all very strange. I don't even know who the mayor is but either way he can sell bass Really Karen bass I'm moving there. I mean, I went there. I got all my buddies. I got John against the Hendrixons there Hendrix there. Sure. Who's the other bonus? Look bonus my boy. There you go look and My friend Lindsey Adams is there and Chris Walsh of course He's been a high-oldest friends. It's beautiful. It's sunny every day. Look out the window. It's sunny every day here mountains ocean You got nature. You got it all I got the beach the beach the beach Addest fires and yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you got some fires. You got some homeless. You got a camp bench You got fentanyl. You got super meth traffic. Yeah earthquakes. Yeah, good one good one hard to travel. Yeah Paul there yeah, a lot of cooks The cooks you get a boy. I was in West Hollywood. I think they cleared them out I swear to God they went around shooting them. Yeah, West Hollywood's nice. I think they pressure washed all those hobos But yeah, they're all in Hollywood the gays will clean an area gay. That's a gay superpower. They can fix a neighborhood Yeah, exactly no kids no wife you can do whatever you want. Yeah, they'll come in the back of your throat or back which I'm interested in sure Look at the Manspert on Chuck. Jesus Christ. What do you do yoga? Working my thighs a little bit. Yeah, I know. He's over there But any parts American kegel. So where did you go after we did the podcast? At your house hotel hotel. Yeah. Yeah, I went off to do kneeling. Oh, I had Kevin kneeling on the other part Yeah, he was a treat. He was great. We did Kevin kneeling juzzle neck and Bobby Lee so we had a nice little murderous row in an Asian and we had a good time But I did the hour at the store that was special which I got to tell you going into the fest I was like am I a loser? I'm doing you know this guy's doing the Hollywood Bowl He's doing the the forum. He's doing the the Dolby and I'm like I'm doing a club And now I'm so glad I did a club. Nobody sold tickets. Nobody sold tickets. Everybody was half full every Everybody was scrambling and we sold this thing out two years ago And I got to put my friends on you get that green room You just when you have to store you feel like a yard. I mean I'm at base. Yeah, my hotel's next door I got all my pals here the drinks are flowing like Sam and a Capastrano and this barbecue back there You're safe. Oh that barbecue. That was insane unbelievable. I wish we could shout out that Queen I know it. It was hit. It's a first name barbecue Bobby Billy Johnny Sam's barbecue and it was him yeah Charmacue or fucking Steve or Bill well, we'll figure it out Corolla. Can you text Corolla? Yeah, he's Corolla's buddy Yes, has a thing he brought it and Corolla's doing the thing where he's like this is the best brisket And I've been all over it really was of course. You're like the best brisket's in Southern California. I know And I got shout out to Corolla for being generous. He spread the love and the thighs. I ate about a pound I kept sneaking bikes. I'm starving. Me too. And then once you're at base, you don't want to leave again Yeah, once you get to the store you don't want to live because you get the good seat. Yes, we're smoking Yes, you can leave you over there. You got to look around. You're like I'm staying here That's the best and then he brought in about a half a pound of meat just wet pussy meat Oh, labia and I was crushing it and every once in a while I walked by Adam and be like hey Sam took a little more brisket over Yeah, Mark's eating your brisket and I ate three quarters of it well Matt ripes hot ass at two bites of his I ate his whole brisket. It was ice cold. Hey, you left it is left over food that was sitting in a box Well, I'd go down on him think if you go down you might as well eat his rib good point But that was the hell of a hang great hang and I had this realization Corolla's, you know, he's on he's singing He's got a an angle on everything Yeah, it's so fun. What's it? He could go all about everything but he I was sitting there and I was like I used to watch the Man show, you know 25 years ago, whatever that was on and then I was talking to Paulie Shore I'm like I used to watch In Cino Man all the time and you're like showbiz is so weird that if you hang out long enough everything becomes Normal like everybody like Paulie Shore is now a guy. I know. Yeah, and you're doing better than them That's even crazier. Well for now who knows I can flip like one day Nate Bergatzi could be going Hey, can I get on Tuesdays? I got I got to sell this Black box theater. I would love Like let me in there. It would be funny. It could happen. He must have been on at some point. I mean oh, yeah, he was not to besmirch, but I was at the party this sarando's party and Dane Cook's like can I do your part? I'm like Dane Cook What a vicious circle tourgasm good luck chuck It's trying to get on my pot. It's cuckoo. That's unbelievable. It's cuckoo bananas. That's wild Hey folks Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by Fablitics, which I'm wearing right now look at these nice short Tan I look like I'm going to Jurassic Park. Oh, yeah, the big weird hat with the binoculars. I love it safari But these guys keep sending me stuff my wife is furious. I have boxes and boxes of fabletics My whole bureau is all fabletics. If you see me wearing something, it's probably fabletics look at this fabletics Fabletics love it. I mean, I'm I'm gay for fabletics. 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It's chewable Pop that puppy in the mouth that you'll be hard before you know it Don't let your mind get in the way of a good time discover your options at blue chew.com We got a special deal for the Tuesdays fans right now when you buy two months of blue chew gold You get the third month for free with promo code Tuesdays That's promo code Tuesdays visit blue chew.com for more details and important safety information Thanks blue chew for sponsoring the show get yourself Blue chew gold. It's easy to be hard That party looked great. I got to hear about this part. I can do it two hours on the party. I mean it didn't look like my idea of a good time Well, of course not. It's a bunch of comedians in the sun during the day Awkward and then they hire Arkeys my god levels Jerry was all levels It was like I saw Nikki Glazer walk by it. I'm like can I talk to her? She's having such a great year But what am I doing? I've known her for 20 years like I nicked you get your fat ass over here We chatted and had a good time, but that's how you feel it feels like high school You're like he's the prom queen. She's the prom king. I don't know who my I'm a nerd So go through the let who was there Jerry Seinfeld. Well the top dogs were Eddie Murphy was at the top of the top of the top Top dog. Yeah, and then it was letterman Seinfeld rock, shepelle, Louie Geez, you know this is more I'm forgetting why sorry close up a shepelle's face. It's getting puffy Daddy puffy. He looks I Wanted someone needs to do an intervention for him possibly. I hope this gets to him I don't know the man, but he looks like heck. He's getting. He was the language It is not pretty. Yeah, he's getting the rough eyes like the yellowy eyes. It's it's scary Someone should say hey, man, booze in the cigarettes. Yeah, it's a lot of fun. Uh, but anyway, sorry Chris Rock, Shepelle. Yeah, Louie Seinfeld, Mulaney, uh, you know funny when Louie is like not in the top five biggest I know and Louie, I'm like, oh, I'll go talk to him. I know him. Right. It's also weird. So like why do I I'm going right to Louie? I should be talking to Ronnie Chang, right, but yeah, it's right. Chang as I'm a nudge and then it's You know Sam Santino Bobby Lee You know there. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, he was just missed our pot. I know. That's annoying. Yeah, he was on some good David Spade laser Fluffy fluffy. That's a good one. He's in a really good night. Matt rive. There you go. Uh, that rive Who else was there? And then there was like lower people that I was like, huh? Yeah, I was like why isn't you or soda here? But that guy's here and that lady. Well, I was at burr. I was at burr's house with my feet up Look at the whole city with a big fat Cuban cigar. So good. So he wasn't there. I got to tell you about my sign felled bomb. Oh boy Yeah, yeah, you know, I know Jerry pretty well. So Jerry walks up. It's me and Sam I go, hey Jerry and I got a couple laughs out of them because Ted Serrano's gave a big speech and it was very heartfelt and all this and I go, uh, boy, how about that? Serrano's he really bombed and he does like the Nice. I don't know if it's fake or whatever. I got these LA comics. They got no punchlines and you know He loves that. Sure. And then Superman's good. Yeah, Miss Pat walks up. I want you to introduce me to Jerry and I was like, oh, okay That's what's going on here. Uh-huh. So I go, hey Jerry. This is Monique and she left and he goes that's not funny. Oh He doesn't care for racial humor. He does not care for racial humor. Only I think black only if I pulled out a Korean joke with Bobby I think he would have liked it. Right, but I think black with the slavery and there's like a weird Jew black Connection maybe. Is there? I think I got a Jew black connection. Trauma Trauma bond like a trauma, but I never heard I've only ever seen them being like, yeah, I don't know. I don't ever seen it I think it goes both ways. Do you remember Bernie Sanders was out there with the uh with the civil rights bullshit? I suppose so. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Yeah. Well, Jews certainly are big in the civil rights activism. Yes, very liberal. Yes, exactly. Historically, historically, things have changed. Yeah, uh, but I got the Yeah, that's not funny, which coming from him is That one's things a smooch. Yeah, that stuff. Well, they remember talking funny where they say you'd never use the N word and he's like, no, I'm not interested Yeah, I'm not interested. They go, you never you explore everything You never try to explore what's funny about the N word. He's like, no, I'm not interested in that. Which I have to I respect and I get the N word thing But I'm making a joke with a friend of mine. I know this lady. She's coming up to me to meet you. I'm saying she's Heavy said black woman of color. Yeah, so it's I I push back that it is funny. You just don't like it. Yeah, yeah Yeah, that's what we're saying. He's not it's not his it's not his cup, but she laughed so that to me that's and to me We got all this racial tension bullshit. That's a way to defuse the tension right is is going into it, but whatever Yeah, I thought about it a lot. Well, but yeah, even Sam went like this Sam was He goes, that's so funny, Sam went. (laughs) She's always a double stab with the twisting of the knife. - Yeah. - But you know, they mad whatever blah, blah, blah. I know we had a good time, but any Murphy there. He looks like he floats, he levitates, and when he walks by, you hear, - Well, he's a special guy. I mean, Bern, we were talking about how incredible he is, he's got the big house and the success, and he didn't fuck up, he's got his best controversy is like he accidentally picked up a. - A trans hook. - Dude, yeah. - Yeah, it looks like a lady. - It was a mistake. But yeah, he's just kind of cruising, he's hilarious, he's the funniest, and he's just all class, but it's a bad word to say about the guy. - No, no, I mean, he's had some bad movies over the years, but who hasn't, and then he keeps talking about standup again, but I don't think it's gonna happen. - Right, but yeah, the all-time legend. Pound for pound funniest person ever. - Yeah, maybe, I mean, with the movies, the standup, the SNLs, the whole thing. - Incredible. - So that was cool, and Louie was there, and just sweating through his t-shirt, the neck beard, I mean, he looked like hell, so that was fun, we kept poking in that. For him is there, he's a go-to, for him is like a lifeboat. - Yeah, he's the greatest, not the greatest podcaster, but boys, he, the best comic. - Yeah, but there is definitely a lot of this at the party. - Yeah, that's what it seems like. It doesn't seem fun in that way. - Yeah, you're almost a lily pet or a stepping stone, like, all right, I'll talk to you to get to that guy. So I'm just kind of using you, and then that's where you go. Oh, I'm in LA. This is LA, this is LA's final boss. You know, like we are hierarchy, high school levels, who's big, who's not, where are you at, you know, and you start kind of going like, do I need to get bigger? Do I need to like do more? Then you go, ah, fuck, I'm a working comedian. It's like you said, put me in St. Louis funny bow, and then I'm comfortable. - That's how I felt at the festival, you know, you're there for three days, and then three full days, morning, night, noon, whatever the fuck they say. - Yeah. - If I had to say my, the highlight of my whole festival, that day I went to breakfast with Ryan Hamilton and Tommy Johnnegan, and Hollywood. We just sat, had pancakes, and we laughed, and laughed, and was like, remember that time, remember this time? That guy sucks, that guy's sick, and then Hamilton had some great sidefold stories, 'cause they're like, best buddies now. - Shums. - And it was just a great hang, and then we're leaving, and Hamilton was like, are you guys going to this brunch? I don't know if I should go to the brunch, it doesn't seem like it's gonna be fun. And I was like, ah, that sucks. We just had this great morning, and now it's like, I'm going to my hotel to sit and contemplate if I should be at this party or not. - Yeah, well, I'll say that it wasn't like a rager, it wasn't the funnest day, but it was cool to see. - I mean, I can't imagine. I mean, my manager is a blurry background of a photo that's Eddie Murphy, Letterman, Seinfeld Rock. - Wow. - And then you can see a blur of my manager's hair. - Wow. - He's like, look at me. I'm like, that's crazy. - That is crazy, yeah. And I gotta say though, we did the big group photo, and the people shimmying to the front, it was, there was a real shamelessness. So a real grossness where you're like, all right, man, I know you want to be front and center, but have some fucking decency. Well, yeah, it's so obvious what you're doing. - Right, my son Big J was way in the back. - I'm way in the back, Faheem's way in the back. 'Cause you just go, I just put me in the pit. I'm happy to be in the pit. I don't want to be the guy like, excuse me, I need to get next to rock. Thank you. - Oh, Sebastian was there. Yeah, I believe so. Yeah, I don't know, check the photo. But now here, let me throw this one at you. - Please. - So we're talking to Jerry, we're at the party, and I'm leaving the next day to go to Toronto for a casino gig. So Jess Seinfeld walks up. And her and Sam are chummy. They got the Jew connection. I don't know what's going on there. They met up in Barcelona or something once with Jerry. Remember that? They got a post in a photo. - Oh, yes, I remember the photo. - So she coordinated all that. 'Cause they're, they follow each other on Instagram, whatever. So she walks up, she's like, "Sam, hey, blah, blah." And she's like, "Oh, hey, Jess, how you doing?" I'm like, "Hey, Jess, you know?" And she goes, "What are you guys doing?" When you guys headin' out. And I go, "I'm leaving tomorrow." And Sam's like, "Yeah, I think I'm leaving tomorrow too." And she goes, "You guys wanna come on the jet?" (whistles) And you're like, "Oh my God, this is incredible." How can you turn down a fucking private jet with Jerry? - It's like the Elaine with JFK Jr., you just go the wrong direction. - Yes. - Just because you want to be on that ride. - Exactly. And she's like, "We're leaving at 8 a.m., we got the Gulf Stream or whatever the hell." And I'm like, "Uhh!" And I was leaving at 8 a.m. So I'm like, "I'm on it, I'm in that flight." So she goes, "All right, great, I'll text you guys and we'll figure it out." And I'm like, "Uhh! Oh God!" I don't have her number. Sam does. So I'm like, "All right, Sam, you gotta help me out here. You gotta keep me in the loop." - Sure. - So then Sam, we're all hangin' out, we're having some drinks and 20 minutes later, he goes, "Oh, I'm not leaving tomorrow." I got, I got Julian Edelman's podcast. - Oh, it's right. - I got a cancel with Jess. And I go, "You know what? It was probably an empty offer anyway." And he goes, "Nah, she just texted me." - Wow. - And I was like, "Did she mention me?" 'Cause how am I gonna get on the jet? I got no contact with her. - Uh-huh. - I can't text Jerry. - Thank God. - Well, I can't go, "Hey, you're all the old ball and chain there mentioned something about the jet." I don't even know if he wants to be on the jet. She did all this on her own volition. - But this is the thing, this is what you're stuck in. You got some, your head stuck in the asshole. - Oh yeah. - Because you gotta treat normal. That's how you get a quality. - I know. - You gotta go normal. - I gotta hit my wife. That's equal. - Just say, "Hey, Jay, other Jay, I invited us on the plane." - Uh-huh. - The better half. - So, "Hey, Jerry, Jay's invited us on the plane." I don't know if that was genuine or not, but I don't have her number. I'd love to gum. - Yeah. - If May was like, "Hey, come over Sunday." - Yeah. - I would be like, "Okay, great." And then I would text you, go, "Hey, May invited me." You could go, "Come on, this is a different vibe here." This is a different relation. - Oh, you and Jerry are pretty tight, I know. - I don't know about that tight. Not like this. - I don't know. - I'm just saying. - Well, I'm not tight with a lot of people, but if their wife were like, "Hey, I'll give you a ride." I would text and be like, "Let me get that ride." - Right, right, so, okay. Well, I didn't even know if he wanted us on the jet, 'cause remember, you got picked up by Salahcus. You had that like, "Ah, do I need to see this guy for 20 minutes? "I want to go to my hotel." - But. - So, I'm thinking Jerry's having that same thought. - But, you know Jerry. Jerry is not a guy that goes, "Oh, sure." - That's true, that's true. - Jerry will be like, "Fuck you." - No. - Yeah, no. - That's this whole thing. This whole thing is being like, "Not you, Bobby." - Well, maybe I don't want to know. - Ah, all right. - That's part of it. I don't want to text him and him go, "No, no, that's not gonna work out." Then I'll cut my own tits off. - But you also know he likes you. He likes you very much. He did your podcast. He brings you on the road. - Okay, sure. - He goes on the medscape and says, "I love Mark." He loves comics. No one wants to be just with their wife without a comic, right? But I also had the Monique bomb. - Monique bomb maybe. - Right in a bomb way. - That's true. Monique bomb is big. - Not just a bomb. That's not funny. - Ah, yeah. - Not just, I'm not gonna laugh. I'm gonna call out that that wasn't humorous. - It sounds like he's saying that's racist and mean-spirited, frankly. - Oh, 100%. - Heesh. - Yeah. - She's my pal who walked up to me. But all right, whatever. - All right. - So now I'm just, I'm at the store. We do the store that night. I'm headlining the store. I got you, I got Sam, Corolla, what a hang, what a night. - Lorepeak. - And Lorepeak? She did great. It's just great to throw your friends up. We got a sold out show, but I'm looming. The whole time just thinking, eh, I wanna get that meal, don't you? You know, I wonder if I can really get on that flight. I don't think she meant it. So I text Sam again. I go, I don't think she meant it. He goes, she texted me. She offered me, I can't go. You gotta go. And I'm like, but I don't have her. It feels weird to just show up and eat with a bag. - Just say, hey, I got your number from Sam. - He wouldn't give it to me. Come on. - No, he's like, hey, look, I don't know what she's like with the number. - By the way, can I just a quick side? - Please. - I had breakfast with Hamilton and he told a very similar story. He opened for Jerry in Worcester. They were going to Paris the next day. - Wow. - And Jess was like, you should come to Paris. And Jerry was like, you should. - Oh. - You gotta. - Well, I never got the you should. - And Brian was like, ah, they don't mean it. It's the same thing. He was like, that's the way they made it. This is a family vacation. They don't want me on the family vacation. And Jerry was like, are you coming or what? And it only was. He didn't have his passport. And he's like, I would have gone. I didn't have anything to do. And Jerry was like, God, he said he was on the phone with Jessica. So she seems to be the plane person. - He is. - And he heard on the phone with Jessica, he heard Jerry go, ah, the passport. Ah. So I think this is their thing. They go, we got the plane. We got the money, come along. I should have told you that if I didn't know that story at the time. - I wish. All right, well, either way, I didn't end up going. We'll get to that later. But the store was great. And then I had to go to Toronto. But I'm going to pass it off to you. I've been hogging. - Well, I want to hear how this thing ended. But. - It ended by me not getting on the the jet. I'll tell you that. - Oh, hey, hey. - Well, I know. What a ride that would have been. - I know. You got to take these things. Believe people when they believe me. You got to believe people when they say things. - Yeah, yeah. What do you say when you say things? But anyways, right now. What time is it? Three, 15. Right now. Anyways, so yeah, so I've lingered around that I had the improv. The next night. - All right. - Say anything. I'm doing a club and I fucking limp. to the finish line with those tickets because I'm up against my own self that the bookings were crazy crazy bookings. I'm headlining the improv the same night. I'm doing a theater show with Sam Jordan and Rachel Feinstein. I'm like who the hell is coming to see me alone when you can see these other comics as well. So we did the United Theater which I saw soar to that night. He's like it's the best theater I've ever seen. It's ornate and beautiful and wide or Nate Bargatzi. Yes. Yes. It's fantastic. So I do the improv. Best club show I've ever done in LA. I got a partial standing up. I have to stand up. Clap. Miranda meadows. Miranda meadows. She was great. This guy Cole was last time I forget. You know this guy? LA guy? Cole Allen. The guy who shut Trump. No. Cole. Cole trickles. You don't need Cole. I know. No, he's funny too. Broward something like that. Something like that. That's the B. Broward. I think Cole Stone Creamery. Broward. I don't know. Anyways, he was great. Okay. Festival put him on. They're like, Hey, can we put this guy out with it? Because they have comics. They're like, we need shows for these comics. I don't care for that. But I said, well, Luke was like, he's the man. He's there. Yes. I said, great. Put him on and he was great. Randi was great. Luke killed. How about this after the show? I don't know how to pronounce his name still to this day. Matt Groening. Oh, the Simpson. He was at the show. He was at the show. He wasn't even on the list. What? The creator of the hero of the Simpsons came to my show sat in the crowd. Long as running show in history, icon changed the game. Unbelievable. He came to the show and my manager's like, yeah, he wasn't on the list. He didn't hit us up. He's like, he's not got a ticket. It was like, one, please, Homer, Bart, Quimby, Liggum, list, the whole thing. Yeah. Wow. He was there. And that way, the Brower, that's Ned Brower. You're like, I Ned Brower. No, I was just going to take Matt Groening. Yeah, there you go. No, no, I don't know him. He's on the pit and he was in the band Rooney. He's a fan of ours. What the pit, the hospital show, the show in town. Wow, Brad Pitt. So he came. He's a fan. So it was like celebrities at the show, which is very exciting. He came and said, hello, his wife's wife's very beautiful. He's very beautiful. And they're big fans, evidently. Wow. And it was just a killer, killer show. Hell yeah. So then I finish and then after this is another show coming in. So it's Steph Tollov and Soder and everybody's hanging. Good group. And that is one of those things where you get involved in the hang. You're like, oh, my God, Matt Groening and fucking Soder and Yada Yada. Did you meet Matt? I didn't meet him. I'm a bad at business. I was talking to Soder. Who you talking to? I can't get out of jet. Soder is like, well, Soder is like, you know, he's intense. Yes. See, see Soder. And he's like, dude, this is crazy. We got to, we got to come down there, brother. Yeah. Yeah. All right. He's hooking. So he's Soder. So I'm having the hang. We're laughing it up. So it is being hilarious. Chris Walsh is there. Luke Mona's, I look at my watch and oh, man, it's Mickey. I got a show downtown. Oh, you want to throw? I'll throw. So it's like a 30 minute ride. We hop in the car. Luke takes me down there. We get down there. It's San Marille, Jordan Jensen, Rachel Feinstein, beautiful theater. We throw a look up. We go, hey, you want to, you open? No one wants to open. Well, he's getting a lot of work out of you. Well, he got afterwards. I wasn't even thinking because I'm such a like old veteran crafty veteran idiot. He's like, I got to tell you that was the best night of my life. I guess. Yeah, yeah. That's good. You need that. Did the hottest show at the improv? Right. He's got a celebrity that came to see him. He's got the creator of the Simpson's Portland zone. Yes, yes. Every character's named after a street in Portland. Then he does a thousand seat theater. Right. And we had a great hang and it was just awesome. And then Jason Wrightman's there. Sam's just buddies with Jason. I love Sam, which is crazy. Thank you for not smoking. So up in the air. Thank you for smoking. Sorry. That's an L movie. Um, a Judo. I love Judo. Ah, Judo. Big Judo. Lady ghost busters. Oh, yeah, that's what my, ah, shit. That's what mom Donnie said. What do you think of Jews? No. Ah, I couldn't get there. 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So I go to bed at one o'clock. I got to wake up at 420. So it's one of those ones where you set the alarm and you're like, this is three hours from now. Yeah. So the alarm goes off and you have this wake up. Sure. And you go to the airport. It's wonderful. Delta one. Oh my God. So it was flying at the same time. So soda and I have free breakfast, beautiful breakfast. How did he get Delta one? He stands outer. He's the spring for it. I think he's sprang. Yeah. He's very successful. He's doing a fucking crazy sold out theater tour. He's got the cake. Not everyone's, you know. Hey, I wish I was on the jet. Bitch in the pennies. So we had nice breakfast together. Fly over there. Get to Boston. I mean, there's no real great story, really. But I meet up. It's me, Bobby Kelly, Sam Jay. Okay. Doing the Boston Garden. All from there. 17,000 people. Wow. The three night. I think he said a record of some sorts. Three nights longest single stand-up comedy run. Wow. How about that? And the shows were just awesome. The show was Bobby Kelly, Sam Jay, me, Shane. So you did two nights. Two nights. I did Friday Saturday. Thursday was Francis Ellison, Bobby. That was the night. All the Bruins came, of course. Come on. The big B. But I had a Derek White from the Celtics was there Friday night. And the be a man guy was there Saturday. And be a man. He's a big fan of yours. So he told me all about it. So anyways, but the show's there. My uncle's uncle, Doug, Uncle Dale come. They got their firefighter union jackets on. They're like, shit in their pants. They're in fucking box seats on the floor. This is insane. Wow. And then Bulger, Mike and Jimmy Whitman, Big Al, did all the Boston comics come. And it was just fucking awesome. That's amazing. Hot, hot, electric. And the crowds are great. You can say anything. They want to laugh. They're with you. Oh, they were fucking phenomenal. Just don't mention another sports team. Well at one point, who you're as Bobby was like, you know, I moved to New York and the whole crowd booze, which is because it's 15,000 people booing. So I was in the back. I go, fuck you. You fucking asshole. Nobody knows what's going on. You're blended. And then Bobby's such a pro. I mean, he just takes it in and then just goes crazy and kill. I mean, he fucking murdered saying it was great. And then of course, Shay, like just blows the roof off the place. Hell yeah. And what a career. You talk about doing the improv than doing a United theater. He's like, okay, I'll do LA at the Hollywood Bowl. Then I'll fly to Boston to do one show. Then I'll fly back to do the roast. Then I'll do the other two shows. No, no, it was three and then the L.A. So he was an L.A. Wednesday, flew Wednesday night, did three arena shows. And then right after the third show, then he flew on a red eye, whatever you call it, a private night time to L.A. He had to be there at 10 a.m. Why for set up. Yeah, he's the host. So they have to do that stuff. So he's leaving Boston at 11 p.m. And has to be at the staple set. Where's the 10 a lot of career for them. And um, oh, that's a great room. And so, uh, and then his next gig is the football stadium. Oh, and Philly. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Go birds. What a career. I mean, this is a, this is like a generational run. Historic. And he handles it with such grace. I mean, he's just, have totally himself. Yeah, it spends time. He went over to, I didn't even introduce my uncles. He just went over them. My, my little cousin is there. He introduced himself to everybody. He offers up, you know, lobster rolls to everybody. I don't drink in his beer you get the video game going video game going we play Sarah came There was me Sarah him in Francis Ellis playing some game called melee. He's just dominating because I've ever played before. Is that the fat blobby guys? Yeah, that's a fun game. So that was a hoot And it was just tremendous and you know and then you're staying at the four seasons in boss I'm like walk around public garden. Oh my god. And he's the most generous man in the plan. He pays A lot more than anybody else has ever thought of paying 100% and the amenities and the jet and the hotel. It's all gravy. It was all pipes. So no great story other than it was fucking incredible. Yeah, I don't want a story. I want this to go great. I want you to have a if you had a story I'd be bummed. Yeah, yeah. I'd be like, oh my nice slipped and fell in my tits and my father's game. Yeah, I said the n-word on accident. I flubbed something whatever. But man, he's got some killer killer bits. Oh, dude. Yeah, the new hour is going to be nuts. Especially when he comes in New York and polishes it up. Yeah, it shines. It's lunch. All right, let me just wrap up with this. Yeah, tell me. So I won't even get into Canada, but you know, I go, ah, fuck this 8 a.m. flight. All you got to go 8 a.m. flight to I guess Buffalo then Buffalo to Toronto some some horrible thing. But I'm just going to suck it up and do it. And I'm checking into my flight. Here we go. I'm in the back of the plane. Hell United. Fuck me. Then it says check in almost complete scan passport. And you're like, okay, I didn't bring my passport because it's domestic to Canada. You don't think about it. Domestic abuse. We've talked about this. I know. It's the way it goes. You can't fly domestic before international. You cannot do it. You forget. You got my passport was in a sock drawer. You know, on the third floor, and I go, ah, then this is the worst part. So I tell everybody my situation. I'm bitching and moaning. And everybody goes, how about you overnight it? Just overnight it. And I'm like, the flights in eight hours. You can't overnight something eight hours. No, you can't. Well, boy, less than eight hours. So I told you because you were like, I'm not going to even get into Toronto literally. Yes, you're not even going to get into Toronto. You're right. So Bobby Lee. I'm talking to Bobby. He goes cancel the gig. I'm like, what? It's a sold out casino big money in Canada. He's like, you know, your passport cancel it. And I'm like, this is the difference between me and you. This is a sold out gig huge money. And he's like, just do it next year. And I'm like, but I fucked up. It's my mistake. I got to I got to pay the price. Right. It's not like they fucked up. I fucked up. So I have to do the gig. He's like, I would cancel that two hours ago. I'm like, you're crazy. But whatever. He's Bobby Lee. He's a legend. So I go, I tell my manager. I'm like, I fucked up. And he's like, all right. What happened? I tell him he goes, wow. Okay. Fuck. So he booked me on a red eye. So I have a red eye that night, which you're not ready for a red eye. No, you got to prepare for a red eye. It's like going to the doctor like, oh, we got to take blood. You're like, I got to do that another time. It's like two weeks to worry about that. Exactly. Yes. Just be taken blood. Willie Nilly. See you get it. What am I a vampire? Oh, I get it. So I'm like, ah, red eye. So now you try to like prep for a red eye. And you're like, okay, here we go. And I go, I have to get some sleep. I've been partying. I've been drinking all week. I'm on no sleep doing eight pods a day, six shows at night. And now I have a red eye where I'm going to get no sleep in the back of United Flight because I was last minute. So I go, I walk around the Comedy Store and I go, who's got drugs? I need Xanax. I need a Kalanapin. I need an oxy cotton, a horse drink, a special K, a plan B, something. So I meet this one door guy. I think, oh, talk to, talk to old, you know, Chester over here. He's the drug guy. So I go, okay, Chester. He goes, yeah, I got some Kalanapin, but it's at my house. And I go, what is it work? He's got the ear thing going, the comedy store shirt. And I go, well, you know, what do you think? And he goes, maybe I can take my break. And we had a fan there. And this fan goes, I heard the whole thing. I'll drive my car's right outside. So we had like a get, we had wheels. We had to get away. So now I jump in the back seat of the filthiest car. But then I'm pushing Wendy's shit and dead hookers off to the side. I got Chester up front and the fan. He's smoking a cigarette. We'll, we'll wiggle it around sunset. We're peel out. We drive the two, uh, two miles, pull up to some hill. The guy runs out, comes back and just goes, there you go. And I'm like, puts like 30 pills on my chest. Wow. Chester and the fans. I was like a classic radio. Yeah. Just in the fan in the morning. So we start talking. We're driving back. And this guy's peel all these popping up on a lawn. He's running over curves. He hit a cat. We get back to the store. I pop a calonapen. I go to the, the airport, slept the whole flight. Wow. Yeah. And so what are you just, so now you got to book a new flight to Toronto from New York? Well, that's one great thing. I have a manager. So I show up at like eight in the morning in New York to go, I have to go pick up my passport. So the wife's feeding the baby and I walk in. You know, she's like, what the fuck? What are you doing here? I didn't tell her. No. Oh, it's the riser. So she's like, Oh, you're home. What happened? I think it gigs. I was like, that's a long story. Well, we make, we make out. I kiss the baby. I play with the baby. We take a little walk. I take them out to lunch. And you know, it's only an hour flight to Toronto. Right. So I jump on a flight at JFK a couple hours later and home free. Wow. So I made the gig. And the gig was great. I was sick. It was great. And it was one of those gigs where you got that that you keyed up because of all you've been through. And I just, I had a great time and rift on Canada, rift on casinos and all as well as it ends well. Boy, that the domestic before the international will always fuck you. You got that right. Going to LA for three days. So you mentally, you're like, all right, I'm off to Los Angeles. To LA. You're not even thinking about Toronto 100% 100%. So did you have to cancel something that night? Yeah, I think I canceled that improv show. Yeah, but show at the improv. Not an improv show. Right. What am I? We have a suggestion. Like Colin Makry. Yeah. So it all worked out. But boy, it was a crazy, just series of events, getting the drugs, taking the drugs, falling asleep. And then where do we way over? Okay. So then I get to Canada. I do the gig. Then then I look at my schedule. I have another gig in Canada next night at some other casino in Monkton. Oh, New Brunswick. Yes. Monkton. How do you know Monkton? Oh, I know things. Wow. You nailed it. Monkton, New Brunswick. Who did you rip one or what? No, Chuck Xheld. I don't know. Chuck, you got to close those legs. My God. I have no idea. Something reeks. But, uh, so I look at my schedule 5 a.m. Pickup and I go 5 a.m. Pickup tomorrow. Why? And I they go, well, this is two flights to Monkton. One at 5 a.m. I want it 2 p.m. And I was like, well, give me the two. And they're like, yeah, the two is a little, it's, it's risky. And I go, what time to show tomorrow? They go shows at eight. They go, well, how long's the flight? They go one hour. And I go, if I fly for two to three, what's the problem? So they're like, yeah, I guess you're right. I'm like, you got to stop putting me on these 5 a.m. flights. Like you're going to kill me, because it's a 4 a.m. Pickup and all that shit. Right. So he goes, all right. Good, good point. He changes it to the 2 p.m. So I sleep in, I slept 10 hours, just been a wild time, slept 10 hours, wake up, shower, take on the day, get to the airport for two flight delayed four hours. This is why you take the morning flight. I know. And the morning flights are rarely delayed, because the flight is waiting for you. You got that right, man. The 2 p.m. You got to wait for a plane to come in. Oh, yeah. I could have used the jet, but so four hour delays. I'm just sitting at the Toronto airport going in and out of the lounge eating baked beans or whatever the fuck they eat over there. Poutine and pussy. And finally, you know, I'm texting with the guy at the casino in Moncton. He's like, we're going to have to hold the show. We're going to push it back. I have the opener to 45. They won't do an intermission. They're doing all that shit. So it got so bad that I finally landed. I had the thing where you get on the plane. And you're like, we're finally going to go. Oh my god. And I dozed off. I fell asleep for a half an hour. Woke up, hadn't taken off. Isn't that the worst? I try to do a joke like that. You think you're hitting fast four, but you accidentally. Yes. I hit buzz. You're like, Oh, Jesus. I hate buzz. Uh, so, uh, so I wake up, plan and take it off. Finally, we take off. And it's air can of the worst jets of all time. I mean, no TV, no plug, like no, uh, charging. That's got to be just the short ones. I assume the long ones have something. Maybe. I don't know. They got to get this shit together over there. It's stunk. But you finally land. And the owner of the casino, some like, whoa, whoa, whoa, guy picked me up with a feather in his hair. And he's like, step on it. So I'd run outside to jump in his car. We ride all the way to the casino. And I go right on. Oh my god. Yeah. It was crazy. 2,000 people, bananas, middle of nowhere. You know, when you're on stage, you're like, I don't know where I am in the world. I don't know where New Brunswick is. I don't know where Monkton is. I had that all the time just in regular towns. Like, say, Lewis, I'll be like, where the fuck am I? Yeah. It's confusing. I know. But you go, hey, fucking, I'll tell my jokes and see what happens. And comedy's universal, hopefully. And we did a show. And then I met the opener. This guy, Liam, he was super funny. I got the thing where I told yuck yuck. So I was like, send me a bunch of links. I want to use a local guy. And they're all horrible except for this one guy. It was great. So I used him. Then we hung out and we shot the shit. He was like 26 years old. We went to my hotel. room. Oh boy. And we got a pizza and we just talk comedy for like three hours. Oh nice. Yeah. He had a case of beer. We talk comedy and then I had to be like, all right, I got to kick you out. I got to flight in the morning. But great kid. And it's good to get the perspective of the 2020 mid-20s guy. Yeah. Because he don't have comedies in a whole different world and place and you sound like the old timer. Cause you're like, oh, we do back of my day. We didn't do that. That's new. Oh, whatever. I feel the way all the time people will like message me and be like, hey, you got any advice for a comic starting out? I'm like, no, no, it's different. What's my advice? Send to VHS. You know, read Judy Carter's book. Yeah, exactly. Get out of anybody. I was like sending a VHS with a camcorder. Yes. Like Ed Riegel in Dorchester trying to get a spot, the M.O. Dial. Yeah. You try to build an act. You didn't film anything. You certainly didn't message people be like, can I open for you? That was not that was not a thing podcast didn't exist. No podcast. No social media. No clips. No crowd work. No topical. No. No anything. No nothing. I'm like, I literally, I'm like, I have no idea. Yeah. Hope to get seen by Comedy Central, I guess. Yeah, you hope. Back then, I think five guys were in theaters. Yeah. Now, five guys we know are in arenas. Yes. So crazy. Next time tell your manager, book the early flight and say, make sure I got early check-in. That's the solution early check-in at the hotel. That way you take the seven a.m. flight. You get to Munchen and you go, whatever you do, you're fucking dirty. That's good. Get me book the hotel the night before. So it's ready. Yes. That way you can arrive plenty of time and then you get to see the town. Early check-in is big is how many times you've flown in, you got one eye open, you got jizz in your hair and they're like, oh, your room's not gonna be ready until three and you're like, it's ten. I'm about to do that in Scotland. I'm flying to Scotland and I had to start. I'm like, maybe I'll book it Friday night. So the room's already in my room. That's good. That's not bad, but it's like a three hundred fifty dollar room. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That should give you a discount. Like, I'm only going to use half the time. Come on. Right. But this way at least you can arrive, drop your luggage up. Listen, going to Europe, you want to stay awake anyways. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Scotland Yard. That'll be fun. Four days from now, me, my wife and son are flying coach, overnight. It's gonna be tough. It's gonna be, that's gonna be tough. That will be challenging. Then we land. We have one day in Edinburgh and then take the train to Glasgow, three days in Glasgow, four days in London, five days in Dublin. I mean, I know it's too late, but I would have, I would have switched that. What? Well, I think I would have gone two days in Edinburgh. It's just so pretty. It's so pretty, but we're leaving Friday night to arrive Saturday morning and my show in Glasgow is Sunday. So I'm saying, how many days do you want to be gone for? That's true. So we get one full day in Edinburgh. It'll be fine. You can run around, see the castles and everything. I've been there. Okay. Okay. You've been there. Marty. They'll see the castles. Then we'll take the train to Glasgow. Wow. It's gonna be something else. And what's crazy about this trip is the whole trip, the whole tour was all because Ari and his wife were going to be living in London. No, that's why we did it. Wow. She broke her toe. He's an asshole. They're not even going to be there. Wow. That's literally why I booked the tour. I was like, you're going away for six months. I won't see you for eight months. You'll be in South America. You're going to be running around promoting the show, which by the way, go check out the show. The end. We're both on it along with Shane and Nate and Soder and everybody. Yeah, the other guy Miss Pat. So those are women. So I'm like, so I'm like, I was like, I won't have seen you. You'll be living in London. He's like, yeah, we'll have a two bedroom. You can stay with us. I'm like, free place in London. Two of our friends would have spent time traveling international. Yes. Yes. We'll keep up the traveling internationally. We'll have a babysitter. We'll have a free apartment. I'm doing the UK. They're not even there. Unbelievable. They fucked me again. They fucked you. But at least you get to go to the UK and Scotland and all that shit. We'll have a great time. But I'm spending $75,000 on hotels. Right. Got no babysitter. My father's gay. Yeah. Well, yeah, it's all one hotel. Yeah. You know, it's not like you're buying her a place. Well, I'm getting well, my parents are coming. Oh, I didn't know the parents are. What are you crazy bringing them back to Africa? This was there. This was there. Do it. Wow. The Scottish decamples. They had to go get passports. They've never been anywhere. Whoa. Whoa. Tell them to remember that passport. It's going to be it's going to be insane. But yeah. So we're going to Scotland, Ireland, Northern Ireland, England. Wow. Because someone told me to go to Bristol. I've sold four tickets. Bristol stuff. Yeah. It's a cute town. But it's a tough market. You got that straight up. Boston market. 40 people of Glasgow is not the best market for us either. It turns out I got 11 people coming to that one. But London sold out. Whoa. Belfast. Forget it. There's like nine people coming. Oh, he's Northern Irish. They don't know what the fuck. Belfast is that I did a show there. Two people got into a fist fight. One guy yelled, I suck. And he was like, he showed me his TikTok. He's like, I'm watching TikTok. Fuck you. This is better so I can't do the exit. But I was like, Jesus. I think you nailed it. So anyway, so we'll see how it goes. And by the way, this comes out nine months after the UK tour. I don't know what what month are we in right now? June 8. Yeah. Holy we are in deep summer here. Wow. I'm at the beach right now. June 8. I'm bad. I have no idea where I am. I think I'm at governors this weekend. I thought we were further ahead than June 8, to be honest. I did too. I don't know where the fuck we are. We're in May. We're already in the middle. I guess that'll buy us about a month. Anyway, that is pretty good. Yeah. All right. One, two, three, four. Jesus Christ. Anyways, I mean, I'm at governors this weekend. And then I go to Calgary next week at which the last minute of us. That's a good gig. It's supposed to be in Pittsburgh. They double booked the pit. So now instead of a fucking 80 minute flight, I have a four hour flight. But Calgary comedy shop. Next week in governors this weekend, Phil, I mean, we got so many people on Long Island. Let's fill that up. Yes. Yes. Gays. And then of course, Empire Comedy Club in Portland. One of my favorite July, 2nd and 3rd and Mother's ship. The first weekend in September, my future home, buy those tickets early. So it's Tuesdays and not just, you know, whatever crazy animals. And I think I have a bunch of other stuff. Go to my YouTube. I put up a thing called B-Sides and Stinkers. That's fun. That's the growth. It's front of 12 people. And that's a fun one and punch up live. Sign up for our emails. Yeah. For Pete's sake. And the Patreon is insane. We did a behind-the-scenes thing at the improv. We fucked around there. The two of us. It was hilarious. We got Bill Burr, extra stuff from Bill Burr and Greg Fitzsimmons. Yes. Yes. Ron on was in there. Who else was in there? Ron. Wasn't he in the green room? Oh, yeah. Did we film him? I don't even remember. Oh, yeah. Ron on came in. He's not camera ready. So, uh, yeah. So there you go. All right. Uh, Spokans over. Thanks for coming out. We missed Spokans. Be back there in three months. You got that right. Can't wait to get back. I'm on place there. Got a condo. Uh, geez. I'm going all over. I'm going to Charleston. I'm going to the Irvine Improv. I'm going to Tampa. I'm going to, uh, let me tell you right now, uh, June 8th. Yeah. Irvine, Tempe, uh, Detroit, uh, Seattle. Wow. And San Francisco at Cobb's Improv in Houston, Nashville, Zainey's Pittsburgh Improv. I'm picking up his gig. Calgary as well. And Acme and Minneapolis. Wow. Classic Denver comedy works and comedy on state. The three best clubs and Portland, Oregon. So I'm all over that Pacific, North anal. It's going to be fun. And we'll see you in hell for me. Oh, don't forget. Check, check, check, check, check, check one, too. Check out my podcast, fun, bearable, but more importantly, uh, I'm working on a very special project, a secret project. Uh, we're looking for a little bit more funding. And if you're interested in funding a very fun comedy project, I'll give you all the details. Just message me @discountchuck on Twitter or Instagram. And we appreciate all the gays that have reached out and are working with me to find that funding. A lot of people have reached out. So feel free, get on board. And, uh, yeah, hit me up. If I know our fans, they are broke. A lot of money answering me. Ah, that sounds about right. Well, we love you guys. You're the best. We appreciate you. Well, we won't record again till the fucking 80s because I got to go all over this goddamn country to see R.E. Yeah, we're not seeing him. We appreciate not seeing him. Not see. So we'll see it. Hell and sorry, we're canning, but we did it. We're doing it for you. Yeah. Well, we gotta do now about to do a bonus. Get on that Patreon. We'll see you now.