#658 Carrey the Zero

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfed up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe Liss yeah this Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy we're back we're gonna be too loud this already a problem I can already feel it we're in a hotel hotel Ziggy yes we're gonna get a we're gonna get a complaint like the the lawyer on Midtown oh yeah I mean well first of all Salah could we have no microphones which is crazy we get a lover we have loves which Salah could we hired Salacus hired but hired hired then applied money yeah we'll give you money yeah what are we it's not it's me and him it's pro boner yeah we we asked we we tasked Salacus with doing this he literally goes you got any microphones this guy's like he's in the director's guild he doesn't know if I can piece of equipment and then he doesn't have a tripod we got a borrowed tripod no microphones so if you learn how to do the love because every shoe you go you got a lot bring your love have you learned the love live laugh love lots of love so and then Salacus just throws out the idea hey there's a pool at the hotel oh yeah that's just a Google image I've stayed here at 350 times yeah I know the hotel he goes in that pool he goes how about you sit outside you make fun of people as they want by so Salacus is big bright idea for the patreon is we stand in public in Los Angeles it just body shame people as they pass by the fat women by the pool and also we're already too loud and yeah we're gonna get one of these it's coming yeah I'm a little nervous about it luckily it's only 11 17 a.m. here by the way hello I said lots of love hello well used to mean lots of love and it's just slowly morphed in that laugh out loud give it a good yeah sorry you got chat GPT over there yeah hey let's see what they have to say about this all right all right lots of love somebody did a bit about that that's my computer what are you crazy what yeah put that back under the pillow god damn it a lot of DNA what was I gonna say oh yeah someone had a joke about that they thought who had that bit I think it was a woman they thought it was lots of love and then somebody oh they thought lots of they thought it meant lots of love and then someone's like hey mom died in the group back hello that's pretty good that's good whose joke is that Carmen Lynch or something like a Lynch somebody like that well you're all nervous Emma Wilman she's funny very funny you're all the way that bit where it says laugh out loud after you know he's a friend just writes LOL LOL and he's like could you imagine if that was real yeah everything you're like so I got the pizza instead so you see it's LOL you're LOL so anyways here we are in la la la oh yeah we're gonna set the table can I say something and I need it you guys gonna make fun people get this gonna be a whole reddit thread people gonna throw coming my face the way I like please I have come ready I am moving to Los Angeles I'm loving it out oh shit your fettest mouth it's sunny everywhere every day here you got that right you got Tommy John again is here Andy Hendrickson Henry Phillips Chris my wife's ex-boyfriend Henry Phillips one of my closest friends thank you very much Henry Phillips you got who are the other people that were here last night well Chris wall should my closest friends of all time Luke mode is my opener one of my besties what do you got you're correct damn it oh that's right it was invented by a Canadian programmer yeah and it was a chat system to indicate intense laughter during a joke ah because you can't get a joke over tips all right but lots of love has been around a lot of people say lots of love and if you shorten it I'm sure somebody in the history of society said LOL lots of love yeah yeah yeah I think that I think that blue exo exo that's hugs and kisses yeah where'd that come it's like a tick-tock toe well I think a kiss is like a circle see and a hug is like it's arms crossed in the bag I think I think that's the general that big this is just me farting out loud but X is also booze three X is on a jug right and then there's also X on the eyes which is a cartoon dead kid yeah Nirvana oh yeah so any farts I'm coming L.A. I mean I was it's all the here it's spread hiking ocean weather homeless traffic fires but there's traffic everywhere there's fires are tough yeah the fuck that and games and earthquakes gang the crypts the bloods MS 12 oh boy that good MSG we had a backwards guys yeah X is the kiss oh medieval tradition we're an X symbolized across or faith and it's a signature often kissed with a seal I don't know if you would kiss the person when you would do the oath wow that's ridiculous kiss by a rose on the head of that song it's one of those songs it just made me sick to my stomach seal and then bang to Heidi Klum after that which one was Klums she's tall tall hot Swedish I don't like tall get out of here with tall I don't want big legs wrapped around me in the air I tall's gay tall stuff and I just I'm 5/10 so if you're tall I feel like a bitch mm-hmm we are already tall so it's hard to top a lady to top you unless she's you know WNB anal well here's what I like that's good here's what I like wow that's good fat moose in the second that moose so here's the thing chocolate what was I gonna say you just you fuck me here that's gonna kill the focus and more ways than one now where she from get a get a get a date of or a place of origin on that or wait wait hold on I was about to say something about tall oh here's like do like my wife my wife you know she's she's not sure she's like medium whatever maybe five or something yeah that's what she puts on a heel and gets tall from the heels you like that I like interesting a regular tall I like fake tall if she says I eat her out from underneath what's that Germany okay highly that's literally highly to tell us Germany it's reworked that you'd be a hell of a charade's player yeah the shames is mustache real quick yeah yeah I get that you know you know the high heels were invented for men originally it makes sense because manners want to be tall I see women like a tall man but guys are just we're so not into being uncomfortable we're like I fuck it we'll get a top hat well everyone all guys were in heel I mean the Beatles at Beetle Boots they always had heel boots cowboy boots have a heel true can you mute your rather things so the fucking text Bell's not going off hold on Jesus Christ that goes off during every zoom by the way I just here I fucking hate it and I don't know how to turn it off I don't know to turn a woman off I'll tell you that show my cock or face or smile what was it again tall heels oh yeah yeah yeah the rest of heels I like a restless you watch the Hogan dog I liked it I really liked it I didn't know he was Italian oh yeah Terry Balea also his brother was in a biker gang how cool is that yeah and then just fucking OD that OD the last minute he gave him a couple bucks and OD killed his brother yeah that's tough that's got to hurt but I like that all he's just an old school his dad was a construction worker he's he's broke from Florida's brothers in a biker and with some real white trash Americana absolutely six nine they wanted to I don't think they mentioned this in the thing but they wanted to name him Hogan cuz Vince McMahon wanted to be an Irish hero so they did mention that oh Hogan yeah just threw Hogan out but you get the double H triple H on this double H triple H that's pretty good I got bump for triple H on Killtony remember that we were like it's gonna be Eddie Murphy Jim Carrey and Drew Carrey oh yeah yeah carry Grant and then in the zero triple H so let's talk about worth a Netflix festival and it is wild out everybody I know is here you got that right I don't exclusively hang out with New York people which is hilarious that's how it goes and we could hang out New York but we don't so then we hang out here with your strings no but well I did we did see John again last night Chris wall Shimonis brother Bill Burr fit Simmons fame for him yeah and hear a word from him but now he's a he's not a Tucker you came but but yes we did the live Bob which maybe you guys have seen maybe it's out maybe it's not out I have no idea the order of things yeah it was up and down syndrome left and right cleafie and quaffee but we pulled it out strikes and gutters I thought it was fucking awesome I forgot to get started I thought it was awesome and but it was innocence and mayhem at once yeah and I think the awkwardness adds to it you know there's attention in the air then they audiences on the edge of their dick. - I don't know, but the fans are gonna hate it. They always hate everything, but you get some burr action. - Bill Burr, one of the great comedians of all time, said yes to our bullshit. - Bill Burr. - Hey, Bill Burr. (laughing) - Half Tim Burr, half Wilbur. - I like it. Then there's Aaron Burr. - And Aaron Burr. - Aaron Burr, yeah. - Aaron Burr, he's shot Hamilton. - Yeah. - So, missed it, which we only know from the commercial. - Commercial. - Remember that commercial that guy had food in his mouth? Aaron Burr. - Oh, the peanut butter, yeah, yeah. - Got milk. - Yeah, that was a great end. - But, what was I about to say? Shit of my tits. - Fuck, my brain is people. - Okay, you're right, high heels, 1600s aristocrats. - Thank you. - Wow. - So we went to Toppat, which is a lot easier, where? So wait, wait, get Heidi Klum at the Met Gala. Just for my own, well, we're gonna plug this in right here. But take a look at this, this brud, which you wore. These Met Gala people, they look like super villains from space. - Take a look at my girlfriend. She's the only one I want to wear. - Look at this, she's in white face. - She looks like my Kleenex under my bed. - She looks like Mrs. Doubtfire when he sticks his face and then he goes, "Hello, to Lou." - Wait, what the fuck was I gonna say? I'm all distracted. - Netflix. - Netflix. - We did a pod. - We did a pod. - Lippin' up things. - Live pod. - I'm only hanging out with New Yorkers. - Oh, you got the old space. That's good stuff. - No, it was after that. - Oh boy, this is amazing. (laughing) - I can't focus. - The live pod. - The balls just sitting there and I can't hit it. - We're hanging out with New York people when you got LA guys here. - It was all after that. - It was all pipes. - It was all pipes. - We're talking about this. This never helps. Anytime I can't think of something. Everyone's like, "Roll the coasters, "Blueberries, my sister's ass." I'm never like, "That's it." I just go, "Come on, stop." - All right, well, we'll give you a minute. Everybody cool it. - Cool out. - Quick, look at this picture of Mike Tyson. - Are you kidding me? - Totally, shit. - Come on, we're trying to focus. - Looks like Donna Tello. - That's terrible. By the way, Salicy was wanted us to face each other. As though that's how podcasts have ever worked ever. He's like, "You guys can't see each other." But by the way, I can turn my neck. I mean, that's crazy. It's crazy. We're promoting a fight. - Are you not connecting? - Yeah, I just joined to this podcast. - I've never connected once. - Let me tell you about it. - What do you get? I mean, I got dexed in '88. - I've got trashed online because I'm trying to sell a vinyl, which we'd love to have you. - You keep saying, they've been sending us for two years. I've never seen the vinyl. - Oh, I didn't know if you were interested. - I keep saying yes. - All right. - This is like Spokane. It's every 10 minutes. - Yeah. - By the way, Spokane next week. - Every time I see it, you're like, "Will you sign some vinyls?" We'll give you a four grand. - Great, sounds awesome. - You'll look more than that. - Oh, perfect. - Maybe you'll use it. - But, oh, they, you know, I'm signing these vinyls and they shoot you and they go, "Hey, you know, they can film you." - They shoot you for laughing. - This would be a good promo for the vinyls. And I'm looking that way and they go, even the camera, he can't look at. He can even look down the barrel to care. - Oh. - So that's every comment. That's how you go viral now. You have an off thing. Instead of the real thing that you want to happen. - Let's see, your goof. - We did a promo for me going to England and we put the Australian flag in the back on accident. Every comment was like, "Idiot, this is the wrong flag, God hates flag, you're a flag." And it blew it up. - You didn't know that they're seeing the Australian flag and the English flag. - We did it intentionally wrong. - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you were a flag. - Yeah, I didn't, why didn't put the flag on, but I bought it. - I did, I did. - Well, he's a genius. - Oh, that's smart. But sometimes you do stuff like this and people are like, "You're a fucking moron." You're like, "I'm doing a bit for Christ's sake." - Well, that's a whole 'nother bag, it's a bag of farts. Look, how about Ron on last night? The Jewie's got on the plane. He's like, "Khanye, I don't get it. He's not good." I'm like, people like Kanye, he's like, he's great, can't even play one instrument. I'm like, just say he's anti-Semitic and that's why you're bad. - Well, I don't, I mean, I'm not overly familiar with Kanye, what he does, but someone was, he was claiming, Ron was claiming he doesn't write lyrics, but he must. - He must. - Yes, he has lyrics. - He has songs. - He's writing fucking writers. - Yeah. - Oh, is he? - Yes, unbelievable. He's a producer and a writer, too. - Wow. - But it is kind of a bummer that musicians, famous music, can't play an instrument. That does bother me. It's like a comedian can't write a joke. Like, what are we doing here? - Well, the singing is an instrument. - Yeah, you're writing songs and singing them. That's something. - That's true, but can, is he even a singer? Like, can he hit an A note and a B note? I think he's just rapping. - Well, I think there's different strokes for different folks. I mean, don't get me wrong. - You know, I like fucking, you know, Jimmy Hendrix, more than I like Kanye. - But it's still, they're still skilled. Hey, we throw me one of those waters there. - Well, he's an instrument. - Well, he plays an instrument. Never seen you miss anything in my life. - Acting. - Woo. - Hey, good to have you back. - But anyways, yeah, he doesn't play an instrument, but he's still singing. Maybe he can play something. I don't know. Did you watch Shangri-La, the Rick Ruben Shangri-La? - Nah, I can't get enough. I put some shoes on. - You guys hate Rick Ruben. He's fucking amazing. - Amazing. He can't play an instrument either. - He can't play an instrument. He was in a band. We had this debate before. You and I had this debate on my podcast. - What is he, Piano? - No, I played guitar in a band called Hose. - Hose. - Hose, H-O-S-E. - Hose before Hose. - Before Hose. - Punk guy. - Hose Beast. Remember that? - Oh yeah, she's a real Hose Beast. What does that mean? Psycho Hose Beast. - I think it meant like she sucks dick. She's a beast for the other, for the dick. - That's pretty good. - I like that. - 90 cents a great one. It's hurl. I'm gonna hurl. - Oh yeah, spew. These are all his waves world, I feel. - That's all waves world, swing. - But yes, Rick Ruben plays guitar. This is a big debate, Matt and I had. And Ryan Hamilton, who's great. We got to see Ryan Hamilton last night. - Yes. - It's always like New York. - Yeah, all he does is get musicians to do their best stuff. - That was me. - Isn't that what a producer does? That's what a producer is. - Yeah, that's true. - All his books, have you read his book? - No. - You should listen to his book, he does the audio. It'll change your whole life. - Matt Ruby said the same thing. He said the book is unbelievable. - It's incredible. I'm listening to it for the third time. I haven't heard all the time. - Third time. - Yeah, it's just a nice thing to have on. And it really makes you a cleaf and think. - Can you send me that link? - You don't know how to get a book. - I can't figure it out, I tried once. What are you going to Amazon? - Audible. - I gotta sign up for a thing. - You just get audible and then you go and give me the thing. That way you can consume books. - Can I just do it on the YouTube Apple? - I don't know, they have books on Apple. - I assume they would have a book on Apple. - Maybe. - Book on tape. - I don't know, I don't know, it works. I just have audible, they got all the books on there. You put the book on and you put it on last night and I slept in it. - All right. But it's a very interesting stuff, good stuff. - People say that book and the Agacy. People say that in the Agacy book is the best sports book of all time. - I read that book, I liked it, but I didn't like, I mean different kinds of books. - Sure. I didn't read the Agacy book open. I wasn't like, this is gonna change my approach to comedy. - Yeah, yeah. - Where the Ruben does. - Okay, all right, well, I get really into that already shit. So, already Fuqua. - Already lying. - So if it's something like that, I'm down. - The problem with the lab is I can't fart in the mic the way I like. You can fart in my, that's not bad. Okay, maybe I'll do a handstand. By the way, right before we start recording, you can buy it on tape on Apple Music. - You can buy it on tape. - Now, one you can set one time, 'cause I don't know the alphabet, you gotta do it monthly. And that's what I hate, I hate the monthly. - No, I don't do monthly. I don't pay monthly. - I use buy a book. - You can do monthly or you can just buy books. That's what I do. - I'll buy books. - What's it, what's it, 15 bucks? - 15.99. - All right, that's pretty good. - It's pretty good for a book. Fuck me, I lost my thought, oh, right before this, Mark just took the biggest, stinkiest, wildest shit, door open, vodka. - Did me and the water run after with the other way. - Yeah, it might have just an open door sh*t. - Nobody's washing their hands, who we can. - Open door sh*t. No hand wash, and I can smell it from here. It sure as that dog can smell it. - I didn't want to miss the conversation. - And yeah, wild. - I got FOMO. - I got a sh*t myself, but I'm holding it in. - Yeah. - How am I? - So you guys leave. Now, if Salahue says he could never sh*t on top of someone else's sh*t, like even flushed. - Right after I can't sh*t after another man. - But you do it every day. - What about a woman? - I probably couldn't. - So Stacy goes in the bathroom just as f*cking lays a egg, just a real baby leg sh*t. - I don't know if they ever happened. - And then she flushes and you gotta go next. What do you do? - I would go to the lobby where there's a bathroom and sh*t down there. - Whoa. - That's what age fully knows. That was on Aryu Garbage. He goes to his building lobby to sh*t. - What? - That's wacky. - I want a home sh*t. - You want a Hollywood bowl? - I want a home field advantage. I just want to be in my house, dick out, you know, reading, whatever I want to do with Ruben. - Although it is fun to sh*t other plays like the lobby, you can go ham with the toilet paper. You can wrap that thing around your hand 500 times and really kill a tree. - But I'm in a hotel, I can do the similar. - Hotel too. - Yeah, I flushed like eight times. I use so much toilet paper. - Me too, you gotta do it. - I gotta do it. - I got a real boxing glove and sh*t. - Which is quite a technique there, Mark. - Wrap it around and I go up. - I'm an upper. - Right from ball side? - No. - No. - Balls first. - Yeah, I do say thing. I lean and sh*t. - Some people do this sh*t, which those people should be put in a gulag. - No. - A gulag. - Well, certainly women can't do that 'cause it gets in their cunt. - That's true, I don't think it's-- - What are you, a doctor? - Cunt disease. (laughing) - Think of one of that poo cunt. - It's crazy that poo is poison. It came out of you and then it hits you again. You get hurt. Well, that's because it's the waste. It's the waste. Yeah, waste management. It's crazy You eat food and turn it into energy. Whatever you don't use for energy. You shit out and it smells and it's funny What a machine we have here. Oh, it's a great machine. Yes. It's a piece bird. It doesn't smell bad Huh, I think it smells bad because it's poison. So we're trying to know now you're close It does smell bad that close science makes it smell bad so we don't like eggs I eat eggs. You ate eggs for breakfast. No, it doesn't smell like eggs Shit and eggs don't smell the same. Yeah, yeah shit smells like shit rotten eggs. Well later weird eggs that have been wiped in a shit What are you talking about? But here's the shit smells like eggs the crazy part is it's waste It's poison it smells like eggs. It's shit, but you put it in the dirt You get a plant. It's great for the dirt You don't put the shit in the dirt put it right on the dirt. It's fertilizer. Well, you got to have a plant first That's like the poo grows a poo tree. No, that's true, but it's a good dish. It's good for the tuna. It's good for the soil I see you throw a cat shit in a in a garden Man, you're it's like putting steroids on a on a guy that shit catch it Sixty-nine assholes taught in the nut. Oh, yeah, all right. Listen shit. Come on fuck fuck. I think it's fuck. Yeah, they get fuck Yeah, he was having a lot of fun. He sure was kind of fight with Ron on over who's better Karlin or Hicks He's a Hicks. He loves Hicks. I would say Karlin pound for pound. He can't beat that He had every discipline every pun every such a commentary dirty clean Observational where his Hicks was just like the angry guy. Well, but Hicks had some silly. He had silly and political But I do think there's the problem that happens I think when you have such a huge Category or not category catalog. Yes. Yes. There's so much bad I had a catalog in the toilet. There's so much bad in there So I think a lot of carl you can open up or go to a carlin and he's like, you know get on the plane. Fuck you You're gonna get in the plane. You're like what or whatever. How do you know what a moth far? It's it goes straight for a second I think some people watch that and run on's a little bit younger He maybe didn't see it when he was that age sure cuz Karlin. I saw when I was eight and nine I was like, oh my god This is crazy and then you see it when you're 30 you might be like, huh? Right, right, but Hicks You know like he's great and you watch that danger field Special or whatever he did at 10 minutes. It was just it's just so What's the word where you're like it's it's a it's black pill It's just so like fuck the world the world's over. He's gonna die in front of the TV as a fat disgusting piece of shit I'm gonna laugh cuz I'm gonna be on TV and it's just so It was dark. Yeah Karlin's got some dark Stand-ups got some of that too. That's true, but I love it I go back and listen to Hicks still. It's great. There's a lot of great stuff in there and then a lot of people doing Hicks later It's also crazy with Hicks Now by the way like on this this podcast. I'll be like oh, yeah, Trump is I don't care for him and people are like You motherfucker, you're alienating the audience you piece of shit Bill Hicks is like I hope George Bush gets shot in the face. That's true. Come they should hang him string him up and the crowd is like It's in Texas. This is the first bush. It's like crazy back then you could just be like fuck that guy I don't care for that guy and nobody was like I'm alienated. I'm sure somebody was I'm sure someone was but for the most part. I mean But wait, I mean this is like a side topping. This will cause a problem too. Why does everyone just assume like if you make fun of a President you're like they're always like you're alienating your audience. You're like well. Why are they alienated? Mm-hmm. I've never been I've never heard one artist. I like shit on somebody. I like and be like I'm never talking to them again Yeah, isn't that weird aren't you just weak and well, there's something with the Trump stuff where they're people get real snowflakey About that, you know, everybody's a snowflake everybody's offended everybody's a quif but then you make fun of Trump They're like no my watch your piece of shit and I'm like well now you're doing it. It's crazy I just I've never like there's many artists that are like too far left for me politically too far right for me politically I still love them. I know like John Hughes is like a conservative guy. I'm never like this Watch Ferris Bueller again. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I don't get I don't understand that concept. Yeah, and you know There's plenty of certainly plenty of artists that I love that are way farther left than I could ever imagine me Even King is super left with the by like standby me. Yeah, yeah, I've never been like Well, you I guess the problem is strange to me if who did you say oh John Hughes John? He was there's nothing about Politics in the movies. I suppose so you can say oh he's great But then he started talking about being shitting on the left. So now I hate him right so I guess that's the key No, but there's other people like that in their art. They do it. I'll try to think of an example But I've just never been like I'll never listen to them again. Yeah, you know, I'm alienated the weirdest is why are you alienated? Yeah, athletes of the weirdest one. Well, they're like he's this he's super that way and you're like he's dunking Right who cares about the the opinions right? He's shooting a ball or swinging a bat That's what Charles Barkley say. I never asked to be anyone's role model. I like that. I'm playing basketball What do you want me to do here here? But I'll think of an example of some art that I was like Oh, I've never I've never thought to myself. I won't watch their movie again Now said this about somebody that's crazy. I guess I mean give it ruins the art if the art only becomes about that right now We got a problem. Yeah, I suppose But I think of someone that did that you know, it's what I never got was when a Jordan said hey Republicans by sneakers too I was like can you believe that I'm like well, they do they're I don't know their human beings who wear shoes right? Well, I can't you sell them shoes because they're a Republican. Yeah, it makes sense. Well people are by milk and and cars people are upset about Jordan Too because he could have changed Nike's practices, but hey, I'm not doing another commercial and I think that's an argument You could argue it. He could be like hey pay these agent boys some some fair of rice's or I won't do another billboard Yeah, he's I he's Michael Jordan. He's got his own stuff going. Yeah, he's making a big of money and making baskets Well, that's that you can't make anyone be what you want them to be yeah, yeah, yeah, you're like magic Johnson should cure AIDS in Africa And you're like he's got movie theater. Yeah, you got to get some other thing This is my point about the alienation completely If you like the art you like the artist it does it's so strange to me to be like he made a joke about oh, but I mean like Niktapolo He's made a million jokes about Whoever never like this what he's still funny. I'm out of here. Yeah, I don't get it But I think you're rare. I think that's an open mind to take But I think it was like that for most of time very early more recently. Yeah, yeah, and I think the last 10 years Shit ahead something I lost it. That's also the same time. We've been hearing everyone's opinion all the time true True, so this may have been happening. You just don't hear about it all the fucking time Yeah, and politics is wiggle its way in every goddamn topic art form movie whatever But I think think people think things are political when they're really not they're not necessarily political. Yeah, that's another Bro make it political. I mean now saying retard is political. Exactly. Oh, you're right wing You said retar like wait, what? I had this when I posted when the team USA won gold I was posting about it and people were like you fuck your presidents a piece of shit I'm like that's a hockey game. I don't know. I don't care about the president. Yeah, they won I mean even an American flag now which used to just be the norm that was like the the default right is now like a statement Yeah, everything's a statement stop trying to figure me out Just enjoy the shit. I'm not ticking. Stop saying I'm ticking. What makes you tick? I'm not ticking Jay Leno Commitings occurs. I'm not ticking. I'm not ticking That's funny. David. I had a thing right on this this fucking wheeled jizz house and I lost it Red house politics George Bush Phil Hicks your friend Mark is on No sleep. Can you tell us what you did last night? Oh, sure So what are you directing? No, this is what he does I think I'm on the other farm dad. Yeah, I'm drunk. I might be Yeah, the reason why he can't come up with things on top of his head because he had a fucking rager last night Yeah, well, it's the first night of the fest and they just throw you right in so we had the pod and we're hanging out with no no Stretching stretching. Oh, I got the mic Tweaks I thought you were crowning. No, so we had the pod and I Was getting a little antsy in that green room. It was too loud very loud I was losing my voice trying to talk to whatever and I started putting down some vodka sodas Which John again was putting them back, which was fun. Oh, you can drink. Yeah, so boy. He looks great by the way Yeah, he's all slimmed up to live it good beard going glasses. So Started starting hitting the sauce. Then you go to the store and then right we hit the store There's a there's an energy, you know, you could feel it. I get this guy in he was getting blacklist And nobody wanted to touch him but a lady chewed him out for bringing a camera in that I'm not so thrilled he's here So we go to the store and then I go you got to go on you do the OR and everybody's hanging out Then you look in the other room the main room and it's Jim Jeffries is on stage killing then you walked in the belly room They do a roast battle with Jeff Ross and Hitchcliffe and Derosa and you're like, oh my god Derosa's here. He's here Wow then you go in the kitchen. I'm talking with Simon Rex Ari Adam Eget, you know, we're all hanging out I'm like, oh everywhere you turn this people and you're high five and you're hugging and then there's the back bar zeroes Oh, yeah, the back bar free drinks flowing like the salmon a Capastrano There's Gomez and Burton Bricks wheeling Brooks wheeling's back as McCann and some other guy That's him. Yeah. Oh, shout out to Ron Taylor. Yes. Good friend Taylor Oh, there's Adrian Eipeluch. I mean, it was just just a who's who there's old Timmy D Dan Carter. Wow So this is night one for me. So it's free drinks everybody you know is there except you and It's full houses and pack crowds and all these people that you like and don't like and so So then you're like, okay, it's 3 a.m It's 7 a.m. in New Yorker 6 a.m. in New York. It's 3 a.m. I must be lonely And now here's the thing though. I got my hotel is next to the store So every 10 minutes ago, I should get out of here. I'm right here though. There's no travel time. So you start Validating Yeah, yeah Quantifying justifying validating validate works to it. Okay. Yeah, we start talking. Oh, it's a 4 minute walk Well, it's a man. Hangover 10 more and then Shane's jetlands. He opens the door 18 guys walk out. It's Tommy Pope. It's Chris O'Connor. It's Daniel's it's the other guy James McCann and you're like, oh, I guess I got to have a drink with Shane and then he gets you the headlock and then photos and Then before you know it, you're like, all right. I don't even know if I can make it to the hotel Oh boy, I'm that drunk and then I get to the hotel you pass out then Do a pod. Yeah, we had breakfast. Nice breakfast breakfast. Well first of all, it's funny because we had a big hang at the improv And I thought that was a great night. I was that we had we had Hamilton, John again, Walsh, Burr, Fitzsimmons, Mahim, you No, Salah queues. That was beautiful. That's a plus we had Jason Katz and Ryan And so that was fun and it was like 11 o'clock or something It's all I'm like, oh, it's 2 a.m. My time. I woke up at 4 a.m. I took the early flight out So I'm like, that's a that's a wrap. I wake up. I look at my phone It's Bart and Tony everyone's in there. I didn't know everyone was over there. Well, I think the store is just the goat It's the default to you. I don't know where to go go to the store and then one guy goes There's an after party next door and everybody laughed at him because we're at the party We want to leave this to go to this bullshit at the party after party. Joanne Grigioni was there. So I and Harris. Yes. Wow. I was on a flight with her recently. Ah, she's a good egg. Yeah, they're both great eggs Isn't it a great these are the two women who used to book Comedy Central back in the 40s? Yeah And I was so scared of them because they can make a break your life right 20 years ago So you're like, oh my god. This Joanne Netflix right she's still at Netflix, but now we've both been on the platform You just kind of she's like a peer now, right peer pressure Pierce Morgan So I'm just like hey Joanne what's shaking and I'm making fun of her outfit whatever but it's kind of I'm older I'm in my 40s, so I'm gonna be scared of this adult. Yeah, well this plenty of adults were scared that's true What was our pond last night? But yeah, it was fun, but I don't know how you do it. I'm like I was wiped out I couldn't keep my eyes open back there. It's like that pride thing. It got good to me I can't I can't cut it off like once the hang is going and the hotel's next door. I'm I'm good I watched a lovely documentary about a female chess player They have that went to about 12.35 a.m. And I Took us took a nice nap woke up face time the boy went to the gym meditated took a steam Sog Gulman not and run and run white and have his nice and early for breakfast. There you go Feel like a million bucks in the I'm hurting. I got two more positive and a headlining set That's brutal and it's a 10 p.m. Show. I know that's nuts. You know that Queens Gambit was made up That show on Netflix and I think I remember it was a big hit about a female chess player and all these women are like Hey, all right finally some representation the whole thing was made up it was fictional But there is a female a family of female tennis players what's they talk about in that book atomic? Just they're talking about that book atomic habits this dad You know what this guy? He's a Hungarian dad and he was they were very poor, you know cold war fucking communism and He decided he realized that all he started studying geniuses Everyone that's like really bright Edison and whoever the fuck. I don't know. I'm a dayus and all of them put all day and night Into one thing. Huh that's why they were genius. They weren't any different. They just put all their efforts He decided I'm gonna make my children Chess geniuses wow so when they turned five he had three daughters These are my daughters when they turned five he just started playing them chess He homeschooled them. They were playing chess like 12 hours a day Jesus and each was better than the last and the youngest one Judith you came like the best chess player in the world. Yeah, Queen of chess. It's called There you go And so I had heard a little bit about it from that book atomic habits But basically he was like if you take any person and start them playing chess from the age of five all day every day and night There'll be a G and then people were like this guy's abusing his children She's crazy and they were like this is crazy This is crazy and but the children were like we love it. We had fun. They went all over the world And she beat Gary Kasparov and became like and all they they've all this footage of guys being like women have small brains They know good at just body fishers like they're terrible these women are idiots So it's interesting interesting watch. Yeah, well, would you say he's abusive? What's the debate there? Because there's got to be times where a little usually I'm dying dead about nine hours of chat What do you go outside you fucking home? Oh, yeah, it's a little weird, but I think it was also you know cold war whatever Shit, so I think this stuff. So I don't know I mean it got him out and it made them money I guess but that's a little strange. Yeah, I wouldn't do that But then you get Joe Jackson you got Tiger Woods is dead. There's maybe there's something to these abusive fathers who make their kids Worked out great for both those guys. They're doing great tiger Woods is a hell of a driver and Jackson Apparently his movie's good. Yeah, I don't know if it's his movie. It's about him pretty dead. It's his nephew Well, Salacus has got Charlie taking photos all day every day It's about a whip. He's like focus. Yeah, he's like you don't fat daddy Well, they always say let the kid find him so you got to let the kid be but I don't know maybe not Maybe you got to just force their head to a chessboard and hit him. Yeah, that's what that's what happened in this situation But it's a hell of a picture. Did you watch the untold about chess? Oh, yeah, I was watching that one too That is fascinating. It's his kid who blew up on online chess And then he starts getting up the ranks and he's a real asshole. He's a piece of shit Or he's cocky everybody hates him. He's eccentric. He's got wacky hair and he works his way up and he's starting to beat everybody So they're like, oh, maybe this guy is good. Then it comes out that he cheated. Mm-hmm. He plays a Magnuson Yes, what's that guy? He's kind of crow magnumy crow Magnuson and he plays him and he beats them right and he's like wait What it's like it's like a Sal, he's beating Michael Jordan. You're like, well, how this happened? Right, thank you Magnuson Condom and he's like this guy must have been cheating because how can he beat me? He must cheat it so they go so they go back and they find out he was cheating on the online stuff Okay, so then they're like oh, so he is a cheater, but he's always I was but I didn't cheat on this So then they play again. I don't want to give it away. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of the movie Did you hear how he accused him of cheating? Yeah, yeah, I search you for anal stuff. Yeah, they searched you for devices before you go on He had a metal egg up his ass That's another story. Oh, you didn't tell me that. Trust tree. Oh, trust tree So yeah, yeah, I had a metal ball of his ass that would vibrate to tell him what to play like Queen Q Q It has that voice in his ass Wow up his ass like Christopher walk him. Yes, yes to watch. Wow, that's that's something else I would never put anything in my ass for any reason if somebody asked me to smuggle heroin into a country You know hold my hairbrush. Whatever it is. I'm not putting anything in my ass for any reason now Maybe a heel maybe a little bit though A heel comes out a heel as it's got a hook on it so it it won't go all the way in the design for men Which is kind of that's true, but when a heroin that sick can get lost up there that balloon. Yeah, forget about it Well, some people they swallow it and then shit it out, which is also insane that I'd rather do Oh, swallowing a balloon And swallow come what some of those guys we eat fish remember that was a big fret thing Yeah, Johnny Hill. I got an uncle that did it once animal house. Yeah, that was a big trope in the 70s Why eat fish, but I cook it and chop it up. That's fish dicks. You know why fish is a thin they eat fish Like who's that again Jerry? Yeah, and then he goes He doesn't have the lap. Oh, yeah, oh boy. We are really scrapping the bottom of my ass all the way roll in there Oh, we're rolling we're rolling Hey, choose the stores brought to buy fab letics The weather is great, and you got things to do stay comfy and look amazing with fab letics Sign up as a new VIP fab letics member and get 70 to 80% off everything for 70 bucks a month on the family analytics VIP membership, you get a hundred bucks to spend on full outfits and bundles at Fabletics. That's not a one-time offer. That's every gosh darn month. Skip any month you'd like, Fabletics reminds you monthly. So there are never any surprise charges. Literally wearing it right now. I got the pants on. They're kind of like a track pants. I'm just shuffling around the house and the t-shirts are great. 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Get sheath underwear, support the show, support your ball. What else happened last night? Let's see. Did the pie. I'm doing story wars at midnight tonight. So I'm not getting home till crack and jizz. That's crazy. I don't know how you live your life like this. I don't know. I'm a burn in the candle. But here's what I figure. Midnight. I get on that flight. I'm flying Friday morning 8 a.m. to Toronto, which is a bitch. Wait, I'll be at the airport too. I have an eight. No, I have a six something. I'm united. I'm Delta. Okay. So you're going to Toronto. I'm going to Toronto. So I figure, all right, that's a six-hour flight. That's when I'll crash. That's what I'll like catch up and regroup. Wow. I used to open for birth and we do we did a European tour and he would go out all night. We drink all night. He's an animal. This is back in his heyday. I was younger. I was probably like 33. So I was a fucking psycho too. That's empty. So then he would go all night and then we'd have like a 9 a.m. flight and he was in hell. He was in shambles and he goes, "It's going to borrow time for tomorrow." I'm going to borrow time from tomorrow. He would always whisper that to himself. I'm borrowing time for tomorrow. And I'm like, "Well, eventually you're going to borrow time. You're going to die." Yeah. And blood clubs. That's where he's at now. Yeah. Quit drinking. That's good. Glad to hear that. But yeah, I mean midnight show. I couldn't do it physically. I'd just be like, "I'll be in bed watching Queen's Game." But what else the fuck it's called? "Cleaf Game." And it's a panel show. You're on that fucker for three hours. It's not like you can do your set and hide in the green room and you can talk us. That's brutal. I'm trying to think of an excuse to get out of your 10 p.m. show today. That'll be fun. That'll be fun. We'll hang. We get the whole back area. That's pretty good. That's very good. Who else is on? Corolla S.B. And I might have Adam Ray do a set. Salahcus is going to be there. Yikes. What? No good? You know, like the Ray? Ray gun? Ray is great. Everybody's doing eight minutes. Salahcus doing six? What do you think you do if you did a set? You think you'd get some laughs? He must have accumulated enough time. He's over the years. Yeah, but I think you need a certain personality to get up there. I don't have that personality. What are you talking about? You're talking right now. I'm just talking about like in front of people. I think you're right. And I like that you don't have that. It's a good year-end for us. Interesting. You don't want to be the guy who was dying to get on. Yeah. That would ruin the whole relationship. You don't want producers all up in the video. All up in the video. Yeah. You ain't got no love for the West Coast. He's going to be known. By the way, we're at breakfast. I quoted Biggie as I do and then he goes, I know you're from the East Coast. I'm like, Biggie made it past Boston. Doesn't make sense. It's like hilarious. It's like an international superstar. I want to hold your hand. Are you British? You must be from London? Yeah. Or whatever, the fuck, Liverpool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good bye. Ruby Tuesday. Ready for Liverpool. London. David. What was the other thing I was going to say about Salacuse comedy comedians? Oh. Oh. Now, how about this guy? Well, we're talking about Salacuse. This son of an onion. Pulse this move. I'm on the flight. I got Wi-Fi. Hey, what time do you get in? I don't know, 12.05. I'm picking you up at 12.35. What a guy. Oh, wow. Okay. So part of you is like, all right. Now, how long do I have to put in with this guy? After he picks me up? Yeah, that is the hard part. Is it the rest of the day? Is he staying with me? You never know. That's the hard part. How long do I have? What's the shot clock? Now, I got to stick around and wait. I can't just go and go to my place. Ah, that's hard too. So I go, wow, you don't have to do that. Try to get out of it. No, you don't have to do that. It's very nice. You're a good man. Great mustache. Thanks anyway. No way. I'm picking you up. You need me in your life. This is a good friend. All right. Did you you hung out the whole day? I assume. Well, let me get right through. Let me just run right through the story. Let me get right through it. So I land. I'm through. I've been on the plane for seven hours. I've been with my kid every minute for six weeks. It's my first time away from him. Now I got to wait. Now I got to sit on the sidewalk and wait for my buddy. It's like the planning about blowjob. This is insane. Wait till I get to the part. Okay. So I go, all right. Ah, take it. This is nice. This is a very nice friend. Good man. He's going to come pick me up. Well, I have some laughs. This will be good. You saved my own head. $137. By the way, that's how much the Uber Black was. Uber Black. From the airport. $137. That's insane. That's crazy, right? Well, that's fine. This is more expensive. So I tell Salonky, he goes, I go, hey, pick me up. You'll check. Pick me up at departures. Nobody's here. So he scoops me up, picks me right up. There's a cop right behind us. And you know, they yell at you for that shit. Yeah, keep it moving. So I throw the suitcase in the back. I jump in. Salonky sets off and he takes out. He goes, fuck you. That's great. Right away. It's a beautiful day. We got the windows down. Music cracking. We're singing along. I go, what was I thinking? This is the best. This is awesome. What a guy. Now I go, hey, let's go to, let's go to get in and out burger. We'll go get lunch. We took, we went to Norm's diner, classic Hollywood diner. Oh, yeah. Beautiful lunch. Norm. He goes full. L with blues. Or does white toast with butter. Nothing else. No coffee. Not a soda. Just white toast. It was epic. Then the whole breakfast all day, yesterday, all day today. Hey, how about you buy me a meal? How about a little gas money? I go gas is seven dollars! He got so since he brought it up, you know. - That old trick. - I picked, yeah, I'm like, what? Then he goes, yeah, yeah, boy, how about that ride? You want to get me breakfast or what? - Wow. - You're Bania. - I picked him, he, I didn't ask for a ride. He volunteers the ride. He's holding it over my head, you're there. He made like four references, hey, I picked up. I drove out of my way, I sat in traffic. - Bania. - I bought him two meals now. Like the first one was only toast. - Do you like the guy at the grocery store who helps you put your bags in? - Yeah, I think it's like, give me a dollar. And you're like, I didn't ask for the, you helped me. - So, you know, I'm like, now I just, oh, I'm like, I gotta keep blowing 'em. Thank you so much, Namaste. I appreciate you. - I'm not a meal. - You wanted the toast. I'm about two meals. I bought you whatever, stock up buddy boy. - Get the sword back. - Pack eggs and whatever the fuck. Anyways, I appreciate the ride, but I didn't know I was gonna have to, you know, what's that word? - Oh, thank you. - Crabble, Crabble. - Crabble. - Crabble. - Crabble. - You're like the mafia. Once you're in, you're in. You all of your life. - It's brutal. I'll drive you somewhere next to, plus I'm letting you shoot this for free. That's very nice. - Wow. - This is good on your resume. - But I will say that gas money. The gas price is out here higher than 100 Biden. - It's like 100 bucks to fill up your car. - Wow. - Yeah. Well, we started a nice war, but I don't wanna alienate. - Don't alienate. - Let me not alienate by mentioning these very high gas prices for no real reason. - Legal alienate. - But anyways, sorry for everything that's been alienated. What's that? - The people on the right are paying $100 for their tanks, too. It's insane. - The Republicans buy gas, too. - Of course. - Yes. - Gas chamber, just saying. But hey, it's a nice gesture to go out there 'cause it isn't an hour away. - Thank you. - But I get, I used to have an opening there. - What was it? - Volunteered. - Volunteered. - That's true. - I'm coming to get you. - I said get them all to do that. You don't have to do that, thank you. - Yeah, he was here till 6 p.m. So I'm shit. - I'm shit. - You can't break away. I can take it open. I don't wanna say his name. But he go, hey, I'm bored out of my mind. I see what time she flight get in. And I usually lie about the flight. 'Cause you know, I want my alone time. And they go, I go, oh flight, I land at 11.30. He'll go, I'll be there. I'll pick you up and I go, okay. But I'd like to just go to the hotel and then get in the room and take a nap or take a shower. So I feel bad that you're just like my driver. You know what I mean? - Yeah. - So he goes, no, no big deal. And then it was a Tesla. So he picks you up and he goes, ooh, I got a charge. - Oh boy. - How long is that gonna take? - I know this is. - And he goes, it's a 20 minute charge. No problem. So you're like, all right, I'll add 20 minutes to the ride. But then the charging station is 30 minutes away. So now we're in an hour. We're at 50 minutes and then you get to the charging station. There's a line. So the line's 12 minutes. So then you go, ah, so I start working with him. This is the only thing I love about Saluk is we're driving. I'm like, yeah, you just take it right up here. He's like, whoa, what do you got? Google Maps over there? It's like, it's Los Angeles. I've been here. - All right. - I've had six months of my life here. - We've been coming here since the 80s. - He's like, holy shit, that was crazy. You know how to get to your hotel? - Yeah. - Anyways, you're a good man. I appreciate the ride. I hope you enjoy your two breakfasts. And whatever you bought today, pancakes, coffee, fucking sausages, eggs that smell like shit. I guess. - Apparently. - Sausages, orange juice, whatever else you have. I'll buy you. What's up breakfast tomorrow? - I'll get a friend. - Let's get breakfast tomorrow. - No, I got breakfast with Tommy and Hamilton. But you guys could come. - Ah, seems like a lot of work. - Yeah, those are good guys. - Those are good guys. Hamilton's the man. This is my only night to sleep now. 'Cause Thursday I gotta get up at four to get to Boston to open for shame. - Why so early? - It's like 620 flight. - What? I gotta get there, you lose three hours. I gotta get there. - But he's not a, I guess you're not going with him. - No, he's flying tomorrow. He has a show tomorrow. He's doing three shows in the Boston Garden. - Over three nights. - Yeah. - Wow. - And I'm missing one to do the improv. - So who's gonna do you the first night? - Like Bobby and then Sam J and I are on the same flight. So maybe he has other people. Maybe he has Philly people, I don't know. - Probably, yeah. - And then he's just him and Bobby, I don't know. - Wow, the garden and bean town, how about that? - That's exciting. - You ever done it? - No, Bert asked me to do it years ago. It was when we were shooting the doc Matt Salikus and I, my dear friend. And then comics come home, never asked me until the last minute last year. - Yeah, and that's a little off-putting. - Well, maybe I'll do it this year, we'll see. - Hey, take note, comics come home, CCH. - So never done enough, seen a million and a half shows there and 300,000 games there, so it's exciting. - Celtics? - Celtics, Bruins, Burljam, Brandy Carlyle, Aerosmith, I've seen it all over there at that garden. - Oh, yeah. What do you think that seats 20K? - I think for a concert, what do you call it? In the round, probably close to 20. - Wow. 60,000 tickets, unbelievable. - 60,000 tickets. - Three shows. - Oh, wow, that's crazy. - Unbelievable. - Wow, we. - Yeah, they say shows here, not raking it in. - Everybody's under-sold here. Well, you got an L.A., where the festival's in L.A. and everyone's competing against each other. - I know, and the venues are huge. - Literally competing against myself. I have my headline show at the improv. At the same night, I'm with Samuel Rill, Jordan Jensen, Rachel Feinstein, in the theater. - Wow. - Who wants to see me at the improv when you can go see all four of us? - Ah, yeah, yeah. - And that's also the same night as, you know, Bill Burr and Louis C.K. and Kamala Leigh. - Yeah, so a little tricky, but. - Yikes. - I mean, I ended up selling mine out, but. - Ah, great. - Yeah. - Tell you what about the theater? - Theater, I think, was like half. - Oh, no. Really, with that line up? - Everyone's up against everybody. - I think the tickets are pricey, too. Maybe we shouldn't be saying too much of this. - I got to say, I felt kind of like a dork, 'cause I'm like, I'm doing the store, headlining a club. But now I'm so glad I'm headlining a club. Imagine just sweating over tickets and some fucking, what's that place called, the Pantages? - Well, Hamilton, this is where I'm so stewed. I'm a bad business guy. Hamilton last night was like, no, I told him, I'll just do a show. 'Cause he loves Netflix, he's on Netflix. He's like, I'd love to be part of the festival, but it'll mess up my tour. 'Cause if it wasn't the festival, and I was the only one in town, I'd sell a thousand tickets. - Sure. - But because you, me, Kramer, the butler, Lewis, Jay, Bert, Tony, Tim Duh. - Everybody is here, you're doing, I'm doing the improv. - Yeah, it feels like the move is, next year I'm gonna do this, or whatever, two years. I'm gonna set up a show at the improv or the store, and then try to open for shade, open for Seinfeld, open for Mulaney, open for Sebastian, just hang out. - Right. - Let them sell the tickets. - Right. - You get to do the cool venue, and then you do your dumb little club show. - Yeah, Seinfeld's here too, right? - Yeah, I'm gonna hit him up tonight for the next game. - Next game. - Next game, tonight, playoffs. - Are you gonna watch it together? - I'm gonna ask. - Oh, I see, I see. - Yeah, he's, I feel weird, 'cause we're all going to a bar on sunset to watch the game, but I'm like, can he go to a bar? Can he sit at a bar and watch a game? I don't know if he can. - I think so, that's this whole day in the Michael Richards Committee in cars. He's, Michael Richards is like, we can't go in here, we're celebrities, and he's like, oh, Michael, free yourself. And he's like, I'm here, you deal with it, which I love. One of my favorite things he's ever said. - Well, I don't get it. - Well, he's like, Michael Richards is like, we can't just walk around a mall and go to a restaurant. We're huge. And Jerry's like, oh, stop it. He's like, just free yourself. And he says, you guys deal with it. I'm here, you deal with it. - Very zen, free yourself. - I mean, the hard thing is though, you are getting stopped all the time, so I don't quite understand it. But I think he's also one of these guys that's fine with being like this, no. - Yeah, he can do that. So I don't know. - Yeah. He's very free. He's a free man. - You ever see that video of him? He likes to ride his like a Lance Armstrong bike with the whole speed suit on, like the tight shit, the crazy helmet, the pointy. And he rides down Manhattan, and he pulls off, and he's locking the bike up, going to a diner. And some guy says something, kind of zingy to him. Like, hey, Jerry, a nice bike cleave. And he goes, ah, that was it, huh? That was all you had, you see me? This is your big chance, and that was it. And the guy completely crumbles. It's such a way better than if he was like, fuck you, homo. - Right. - To zingy back is one thing, but to go, ooh, that was it. Yeah, and you're one chance with me, big star, and you blew it. And the guy was like, ah. - And you blew it, buddy. Boy, do I have to piss? - All right, I think we're almost an hour here. - Whoa. - Five to zero minutes. - That can't be right. - Well, well, we got more time. That flew by. - Yeah. - Is that right? - I think we started at, I think it's 50 minutes, five year old. - Yeah. Boy, it's a lot easier without Chuck. Just kidding, Chuchu. Boy, I have fat asshole. Oh, that was some breakfast, two more pods. - Yeah, a long day. Just got an eye on the prize, get through it. Like a slave. - So what's the prize? - You said that earlier. - I'm finishing. - Oh, the prize is the prize. - I got my prize in 10 minutes. - I know, I'm jealous. - I got to do an audition though. That's worse. - I'd rather do tape. - Self-tape. - Self-tape. - Self-tape now. - At least you don't have to go in. That was, you walk in, the lobby, everybody looks like you. - I'd prefer that though. - I don't like that. - You got a park. - The self-tape, you just have no direction, no confidence. - Yeah. - You just send it. You feel like they're not even watching it. - This is without in-person audition, you're auditioning. - Yeah, that's true. - Yeah, that's true. - A tape, you're like, is anyone looking at this? - Probably not. - Plus you're like, fuck, shit, god, the option of perfection, fucks with you. - Ah. - You know, when you audition in person, you're like, okay, here is the audition. - Yes. - And then they go, taking again, try it like this, you get a little direction, you try it again, they go, okay, see you later. - Yeah. - At home, you're like, let me do that again. I can try that again, I can do better. - Right, it's, the freedom is actually hurts you in that situation. - Yeah, that's a good point. And they say, when you go walking in an audition, a lot of times they know it right when you walk in. - Oh yeah, that's the guy. Look at that face, look at that body, look at that voice. - Well, I got to be on the other side of it when we made fourth of July. - Ah. - Because people were submitting and it's like, the Niktipolo character, it's like this bully uncle. And then they said a tape, the guy's like, an old man, he's like, er, I don't like that. I would just kick this guy in the chest. - So we didn't even watch the tape, you turn it on, you're like, no. - Right, it's all look. Yeah. - Yeah, they say it's 90% look at the end of the day. - And height and weight and everything. - That's look. - Yeah. - But Patrice always said, dress like the character. If you're gonna do a cop role, get a cop outfit from the fucking Halloween store. - Patrice or Neil? - He said that, always dress like the character. - Wow. - So if you're going for a janitor role, wear a jump suit, tacky with a keys on the side. - No kidding. - It just gives you a little more bump of like, oh he is that guy. - That's interesting. Yeah, they allow you to see you that way. - Makes you feel like you're a dickhead though, if you're walking around and dentists in the city. - Yeah, cowboy. So shit, you're fucking ghost bluster. - Now Matt, were you nap? 'Cause you're an old man. I know you hit the wall sometimes. - I love it. I love a nap. - What are you doing? What do you got the rest of the day? - I've got a pod after this with him. - Oh, hey, all right. Glad you're gonna be there. - Oh, right, right. - Where is it? I have no idea where we're going. - I'll find out. - Okay. - Okay, Bill Simmons podcast. - Whoa. - Oh, hiers. - Whoa. - Whoa. - And you're shooting stills. - Stills, yeah. - Wow. - Aren't you glad you're not hung over and I'm not two hours asleep? - Yeah, that's why I don't drink. - Yeah. - Wow. - I can't think of the future. I'm two in the moment. If you want to say, live in the moment, but then you do heroin and coke. - Yeah. - What do you mean? - It's not great if I live in the moment. I'm like, okay, well then I'll drink and drive. But you can make decisions in the moment. If you're in the moment, you can be like, in this moment, I'm realizing that this will be a problem tomorrow. - But isn't that the future? It'll be a problem tomorrow. But you're presently, I think living outside of the moment is if you're like, okay, I got this thing tomorrow, I got that thing tomorrow, I got this thing tomorrow. - Yeah. - I think if you just have a passing thought of, if I drink too much, and then also, if you're drunk, you're certainly not in the moment. You're all wacky jacky. (laughing) - I mean, we were at breakfast and he was like, remember that story about the crazy hairbrush? And you were like, I don't know what you're talking about. - No, yeah, I don't know how that went. - And it was one of the craziest stories I've ever heard in my life. Really? Well, the delivery was hard. (laughing) I couldn't believe how bad the delivery was. - Tough to live. - By the way, that ride in the upper was one of the highlights. I just wish I didn't have to deal with. Oh, by me, breakfast, by me, this, I'm a good ship. - Oh, man. - I've done some famous, you don't even know they happened. You never hear them again. - Like this? - What's that? - Like you want me to do this? - You got that straight. I mentioned the other two projects. (laughing) - Well done, man. (laughing) - That's a bit. - You know what this is no bit. - I was just goofing. I don't care. - Does your hair get itchy sometimes and you talked too much? - Yeah, I just had that. - All right, this shows bottom. - All right, so who are you in a judge? - I'm on a few. - I'm on a judge. - What the hell do you know? - The day hasn't even started. - You know, we're editing the Skankfest doc in the We Might Be Drunk Studios. - That's fun. It's all connected, Jerry. - It's pretty cool. - It's a community. - That Matt Peters is a classic. - He's something else. I mean, I owe my life to that guy. - I think we set the live pod. - Yeah. - He missed your plus one. - I didn't even see him. - Oh, he's plus one. (laughing) - But I didn't even see him there. - Yeah. - Did you see him? - No, I didn't see him. - I didn't see anybody. - Oh, you weren't even there? - No. - Okay. - Yeah, I forget you weren't there 'cause I just feel like a tick. It just feels like you're there. - You suck in the blood right out of us. (laughing) - You don't hear about ticks anymore. - I hear about ticks. - Tick, not on. - Well, I go to Maine every summer. That's all you hear about the ticks. - Tick, I got to do the tick, Jack. My mother's lifting my balls up. - Tick, tack, tick, cock. - Yeah. - Well, yeah. - Keep a dog of bones. - Was that the one where you got Lyme disease? - Who got Lyme disease? - He's a tick, they give you Lyme disease. - Oh, yeah, yeah, I don't have Lyme disease. - No, no, I'm a lemon man. But my wife got a tick bite right on the ankle. That's a perfect sphere. - Wow. - It's like a Vegas of concert. - Rings. - Perfect sphere and she said she felt dumb for about 30 years. But no, she was like, oh, I feel weird. And she went to the hospital and they're like, oh, you got Lyme disease. - Wow, did it go away? - Yeah, she kicked it. - Well, okay. 'Cause I remember Eddie Hendrickson had it. It's a mother fucker. - Oh, it's all mentally. It's like syphilis. It goes to the brain. - Your rods and cones get all screwed up. - Yeah, alcapone. - You know, Lyme disease, named after. - Lyme? - Lyme Connecticut. - Whoa. - No kidding. - No kidding. - Pull it up. - And there is just coincidentally a chemical laboratory that tests dangerous poisonous chemicals for warfare right there in Lyme. - Wow. - Wow. - Why is it Lyme's plural? - That only is plural. - I don't know. - Lyme disease. - Oh, it's a Lyme disease. Oh, I thought it was Lyme disease. - No, it's Lyme is in Lyme, Connecticut. - No kidding. - I never heard of it in Lyme, Connecticut. - The theory is that it escaped the lab and got into two. - Ooh. Like woo-han. - Yeah. - That's a horror movie. Got into ticks. - That was a tick cartoon. - Yeah, the big blue guy, right? - Yeah, the tick. That was a weird time. - Putty, putty, putty. - It's putty. - The guy must've worn for so much money. - Family guy. - Family guy. - American dad. - Seinfeld, American dad. - And then the 10. - 10. - 10, 2. - The tick. - And he was on a sitcom called like the fabulous lives of homos or he was something with David Spade. Where he was like, there was men. Like divorced men. - Men-daving men. - Yeah, something like that, yeah. Patrick Warburton. - Yeah. - I think it is like stand up now or appearances of some kind. - That's a guy on TV. He was doing the Kentucky Derby. His name was, he's like the president of the Kentucky Derby. His name is Bob Toothaker. And that's fun. We have old names like that. Where you're like, oh, that was just clearly a job. You were probably a dentist in the 1400s. - Right. - And then he's called you Toothaker. - I think that's Armstrong. - Yes. - Those are people with strong arms. - And Taylor, Bob Taylor. - He was a Taylor. - He was the Taylor. - Yeah. - Smith is Blacksmith. - There you go. - Whoa. - Look at that. - Oh, Brian over the Brian's. - Mmm. - It's a spinoff, like Frazier. - Uh-huh. - Baby Neuerth. - Frazier, that was like a therapist. - Is he a therapist? What was he? - He's a radio guy. - Was he a radio therapist? - Oh. - Right. - What a weird spinoff. The weirdest spinoff of all time. Put this in your pipe and jizz on it. The mom on family matters was the elevator operator on perfect strangers. - What? - And she got a spinoff, and then just urkel took off so they just went that way. - Right. - I remember reading that. - Elevator operator. Who in the back room of Hollywood went? This lady. She's an elevator operator, but I see more. - They were like, we need some blacks. - I guess. - That was the only one they knew. - I guess. Well, they had good times at Jefferson's. - I guess so. - The other guy? - Your producer has to put money in the meter. - Oh, that's why you wanted to end at 50. - The meter made. All right. - Lovely Rita, meter made. - So where are you going to get this? - Where am I going to be? - Do we get an hour? - Yeah, I think so. - I'm going to like this think so. - I'm going to be, I'm going to be, I'm going to be. - Spoke can, everybody. Come see me and Spoke can. - He's doing it back. - He's doing a residency at Spoke can. - I don't know. Oh wait, I got my book. I never had my book. Look at this. - Got the book. - All right. Where am I going to be? What do you say when you see things? Calgary, just added Calgary. Governor's June 12th and 13th. Of course, Portland Empire Comedy Club July 2nd and 3rd. Tacoma Comedy Club July 23rd to the 25th. And August, Portland Helium, August 13th to the 15th. St. Louis Funnybone, 20th through the 22nd. And Royal Oak in September, Mother Ship September 4th and 5th, Rochester, New York. Toronto, coming in Toronto September 24th. - We'll always ask about that. - We'll come in 24th. Check it out. - Comedy Bar? - I have no idea. - All right. - Will you be in Marcus? - Spoke can, Philadelphia, Milwaukee, Irvine, California, Tempe, Improv. I love that room. Mark Ridley's in Detroit area. Cleveland, Ohio, and Hilarities. Emerald City Comedy Club in Seattle, Tampa, Florida. And Cubs in San Francisco. And Houston, Improv, get some bone dagger kit. Get on the Patreon. We got Bilber. We got a-- - Crazy, crazy. - Fits dog and it was a live sold out show. It's gonna be a hanger. Plus, we did all of them behind the scenes stuff. - It's crazy, and we're done so much. It's crazy. - Yeah, yeah. Could you do it as Hogan? You know how we cut those promos real quick? - Oh, yeah. You know my idea. WWFAA, where I do all the AA stuff, I'm like, "You're gonna take a one day to time, brother." - Oh, yeah. - Yeah, anyways, yeah, so we're coming down there, I don't know. - I gotta shit, he's gotta leave. I'm distracted 'cause Salju says to leave. - I gotta go to bed. - All right, all right. - I love you, I'll see you in my pants. - We'll see you in hell. - Everything, all of you, then, sound of my voice. Go to YouTube and watch Mark Norman's Doc called "Pushing Older." - We're gonna hit 400K tomorrow, I think. - 400K too, Phil. - Let's get to five. - Brands out loud. - Weep it up. See you in hell. We've all been the heavens, we've all been the heavens, we've all been the heavens, we've all been the heavens