#657 Live in LA w/ Bill Burr, Greg Fitzsimmons & Fahim Anwar

Hey, hey folks, it's a gay, lazy Sunday, hanging out with the fat Greg, with Shaggy Dickless. Oh yeah! Oh yeah! He misses being on the show, but we got a hot Patreon. Wait, no. We got a hot live ep. I know you hate the live eps, but this was a whopper. Bill Burr, Greg Fitzsimmons, Fahim Anwar, uh, was there another guy? Joe List? Uh, I didn't think he was on it. But yeah, hot live ep at the Hollywood Improv, part of the Netflix Fest. Uh, it's like an hour and a half long. We'll put the hour on the YouTubes, and then we'll put a half hour on the Patreon. Joe and Bill Burr kind of go at it. They got that fiery Irish Boston jizz inside of them. Um, but, uh, it's a great ep. It's a whopper. The crowd was killer. LA, Netflix Fest, the whole thing. So check it out. Check out the hour, check out the live ep, and then we'll back it up with the Patreon. 30 minutes of it will be on Patreon, so you gotta check that out. It's a doozy. It's a whopper. Give it a whirl. Give it a goog. I'll see you in hell. Praise Allah. Ooh! Thank you, my vinegar. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the. Duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No. That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. You know them, you love them. Please welcome Mark Norman and Joe List! Look at that. Look at that. The Bear Jew! Are you kidding me? I'm going over here. Where you going? You're going over here? I like the end. What are you, nuts? It's like an aisle seat. On a flight. This is an aisle. This is the aisle. That's no good. No, these are both aisles, and then we're across the aisles. The drink cart will hit your elbow. That's a window. Oh, shit. That's clearly a window. Oh, I hate the window. You're right. Yeah, you're in a window. All right. Now, how do you feel about the person? Is the window responsible? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know who it is. Is the window responsible for the window, or is it a team effort? Do you ask? I hate the shade. You got to lower the shade. Sometimes you get on a 5:00 AM flight, they got the sun coming right up your ass. But you're getting a view of the world, and if you want the shade, you got to buy the window. I guess so. What's the deal with the window seat? Oh, that's brutal. I wonder if the guy on 9/11 had the window. A bunch of people had the window. A bunch of people. So he was like, hey, look at that. Ah! Well, and it was double window, because the people in the building had windows. Oh! There we go. That's awfully low, isn't it, Greg? Yeah. People in the building had windows. It's insane to think about, and it's sad, and respect, but there must have been a person-- It's been enough time. There's a person in the building that saw a 747 fucking nose-to-nose, like just coming right at him. Yeah. That's true. It's probably some guy's last day. I can't wait to quit the-- Oh! Yeah. Damn. That is crazy. 25 years. This year. Hey. All right. If you believe it. No. Oh, I believe. Also, we're acting like there wasn't, like, 17 terrorists going, "Get down. Fuck you." Easy. No good? They're fucking murderers. Don't get mad at me. They might have been Chinese. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus. Can we get some waters? They'll give us water in there. There we go. All right. Well, hey. Thanks for coming, folks. 19. 19? Terrorists. 19? Yeah. One didn't show or one died. Because the plane that got taken down, allegedly, had one fewer terrorist. He called in sick or something. Wow. Yeah. His fucking hat wasn't working. Something happened. I don't know. Smart guy. He might have overslept. I think, yeah. I think he might have just been like, "Oh, God. My back. Sorry. You guys go without me." He might have been bin Laden. But, yeah. That's, uh. You know, Seth MacFarlane was supposed to be on that flight, and he was hung over. He was flying here. Yeah. From Boston. Oh, yeah. Is that right? It was coming L.A.? Yeah. Wait a minute. Because they needed all the fuel. Give me fuel. Give me fire. Give me. Cool. All right. What's that from? Ah. I'm not familiar with that band. All right. Oh, jeez. We got a whole group behind us here. So, hey. What's up, man? Sorry. This is a horrible view for you guys. Well, that's because you sat there. We could have put one of our dickhead guests over there. Somebody's going to sit here. Front and center. Hold on. Maybe I'll move over here. This will be a little better. There we go. We have a lot of guests. Oh, yeah. We know how much the fans love guests. So, we booked a lot of people. Hey. That guy. He's not a guest. Don't worry. But, thank you, sir. Appreciate that. So, yeah. 9/11. Boy, what a bummer. Huh? Boy, we got right into it. What else should we cover? The Holocaust and COVID, other things that were made up. Who the hell knows? Yeah. Just joking. Now, you guys. West Coast people. You guys got 9/11, like, late. It was already done by the time you guys woke up. Oh, yeah. That's right. The time change. You guys woke up. It was just a different skyline. You're like, "Oh, fuck." Yeah. You know my 9/11 story. I sure do. But they might not. Okay. So, I woke up hungover. I was in college at the time. I was a freshman. I was on my second college, because I was an idiot. Yeah. And. I was on zero colleges, which is even worse. Well, that's the weird thing about college. I've gone to three. Which, anything else, you're like, "Hey, three." But when it's college, you're like, "Oh, you're dumb." Right. What if I was like, "Hey, I have, you know, three kids." You go, "Oh, good for you." Well, there's other bad threes. There's three wives, three misdemeanors, three children. You know, you're like, "Oh, I'm gonna go to college." You're like, "Oh, I'm gonna go to college." You go, "Oh, you're dumb." Right. There's three wives, three misdemeanors, three children in your basement. You know, there's bad threes. Sounds pretty good. But, all right. But, yeah. I woke up hungover. I was a college kid. And my dad stops me in the kitchen. He goes, "Something horrible's happened." And I was like, "Oh, shit. I ran over Nana or some shit." You know? And he goes, "Oh, they're gonna kill me." And I was like, "Oh, shit. I'm gonna kill you." And he goes, "Oh, shit. I'm gonna kill you." And I was like, "Oh, shit. I'm gonna kill you." I don't know. You get it. Eights on the eights. I should have worn a jacket tonight. I brought a jacket, but didn't wear it. Ah. Can I wear yours? Sure. All right. It's like we're dating. So, uh. Tell them about the guy on the way here. Oh, my Christ on Christmas. Well, we're walking, and, uh. You know, Mark's a very popular guy, so we got stopped a few times. Regular people. Hey, let's take a photo, you know, whatever. And then there was another guy, just, he had a box of pizza, him and his girlfriend. Each had a box of pizza, just walking. And he goes, oh, my God, there's two of my heroes, which is embarrassing, frankly. Yeah, heroes. If we're your heroes, keep it to yourself. It's embarrassing. Yeah, that's crazy. I mean, literally embarrassing. Just be like, oh, there's two guys I like. But anyways, so it's one of those ones where we're walking, and right away, he just starts walking with us. And immediately, I was like, how far are you going? Yeah. And then he was like, hey, can I do a bit for you? And I started laughing, because I was like, oh, this guy, we don't want to hear a bit, so he's being funny. And he goes, no, no, I got a joke I wrote. He's like, no, seriously, I'm a comedian. And then he just left his wife in the dust. Like, she was 300 feet back, she had heels on, and then he just walked in between it like he was a producer or something. And then he did a bunch of jokes that were horrible. Well, one was okay. The last one was pretty good. Pretty good, yeah. Tell it. Oh, yeah, tell the joke. He said, I just moved out of my mother's house, finally, and I like living with my dad way better. Yeah. All right, well, come on out, Reggie. Let's, uh, no, no, no. Yeah. No, I'm just kidding. He killed himself. But he was nice, but it was like 15 blocks. Like, we just, he was just our buddy for like 35 minutes. Yeah, what the hell? No one walks in L.A. except this guy. Yeah, and us. And his wife is just gone. I mean, she was 200 yards behind us. She was like the 20th terrorist that stayed home. Oh, yeah. Remember earlier? Yeah. Well, we're heroes. We're first responders. Yeah. That felt good. Never been a hero. No. I've eaten a hero. What's the difference between a hero and a gyro? That's a good question. Is it? I don't know. I think a hero is a sandwich. Yeah. And a gyro is a wrap. A hero is the kind of, the bread. You can say, on a hero. It's like a sub. Uh-huh. And then a gyro is a wrap with the meat coming out of it. And there's that famous photo with the lady. Pull that up. I don't know. You've seen it. It's all over America. There's a famous gyro photo? I swear to God. I don't think it's that famous. Well, you can get a laptop in here. You've seen, everybody's walked by. It's at every bodega, every Times. What do you call it? 7-Eleven? Sir, you know what he's talking about? Not a damn clue. Yeah, he doesn't have a clue. All right. All right. Well, let's get back to 9-Eleven. Anyone remember 9-Eleven? Yeah. Anybody got a crazy where were you story? Sixth grade. Sixth grade. That is crazy. I'm hard. All right. Sixth grade. How about that George Bush strike? Remember? Oh, yeah. And the golf swing wasn't bad either. Well, that was later. That was fun. Okay. I watched this drive. Yeah. George Bush came out of Yankee Stadium and he fucking threw a strike and an eagle landed on his head. I fucking, I was like, this guy should be the king. I loved him. Yeah. He came out like walking like a cowboy and then he had the fucking megaphone. Remember that? Oh, the megaphone. The guy said, we can't hear you. And he said, I can hear you. And the people responsible are going to hear from all of us. Yes. And I was at home like, let's fucking go. Oh, my God. It was awesome. He was cute. Yeah. He was cool as shit. And he would say, turr. We're going to get these turrs. Yeah. Turr. And then like three days later, he's like, we're going to go to Iraq. And everyone was like, what's that now? Oh, I didn't get that far. You watched the news back then? I was all over the news. Really? Like, stink on a monkey. I loved the news back then. Oh, wow. I was watching Growing Pains and Simpsons. I didn't catch the news. Well, 9-11 was a big deal. Yeah, I heard about it later. Yeah. What else was there about 9-11? Well, there was a lot of ash. Remember the ash? Ashcroft? John Ashcroft? No, no. He was the Secretary of Defense. The ash came into the city. Oh, right. It submerged all the police and the firemen. That was back when people liked police. Yeah. Oh, boy. Different time. How about that? Nice. All right. Okay. Hey, all right. Should we bring out some guests? I feel like we really hit the wall here. Yes, yes. Because we got some big-time guests. Oh, yeah. I mean, some of the biggest. Very big. They're probably regretting saying yes. Yeah. But we're excited to have them, goddammit. Yeah. You bring out one, and I'll bring out another. We got like 14 of them. Oh, yeah. It's going to be a who's who here. We got a starting five. Let's start with one of our old pals. Put your hands together. He's got a new special out. Faheem Anwar. Let her hear it. L.A.'s own. You've seen him at the store. You've seen him all over the place. There he is. Some of the best hair in the business. Great head of hair. This is awkward because you're Afghani, but what are you going to do? Yeah, I didn't even put that together. We did a whole 9-11 theme. Sorry. Yeah. Did you know them? I knew them a little. A little. A little. I opted out. Faheem was the 20th terrorist that didn't show up. He didn't make it. He had a spot at the comic convention. I want to tell jokes, and they let me not do it. That's a little offensive. Jesus Christ. Come on. Do you feel like your hair is underrated? Because I think you've got some of the best in the business. Oh, that's nice. Thanks, man. Beautiful. Beautiful hair. Adam Ray's got some pretty good stuff. I'm trying to think who else. Do you have a top five? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Let's see. Top five hair. Great hair. Oh. Theo Vaughn. Oh, yeah. The back of it. Yeah. Brian Holtzman. Oh, Holtzman. Oh, he's got one out of place. Chris Stefano. The Stefano. Oh, Chris, he's got a great head of hair. You're right. Okay, okay. That's true. This feels like Family Feud. I'm like, good answer. Good answer. Let's see what the survey says. Yeah. Boy, you really put the brakes on this thing with the hair. Yeah. Well, we were cooking. We were cooking for a second. Yeah, yeah. What about Trevor Noah? That's like diversity. Yeah, he's got hair. What about Trevor Wallace has some nice hair. Oh, yeah, yeah. Ben Wallace. Sure. He does comedy now? Cat Williams. Cat Williams. That's a great one. He's got a perm. You think Cat Williams, you think hair. Oh, yeah. Bill Burr. I don't know about that. Yeah. That's funny. All right. I'll bring up the next. I'll bring up the next guest. Yeah. Speaking of hair, put your hands together for Greg Fitzsimmons. Hey. Show up the dome. Look at that. Wow. That's a beautiful thing. Hey. How you doing there? Full track suit, huh? Wow. Is that what? Is that velvet? It's velour, baby. This is called a sweat-sedo. And I'm excited to announce I just married a mafia guy. That's what I look like. I look like a mafia wife. Did you guys see the movie The Town? The guy that clicks the roses? Oh, yeah. Looks just like it. I can see it. The bad guy at the end. He's like trimming the roses and he's like, I fuck your mother in the ass or whatever. I fuck your mother in the ass. And, well, boy, somebody mentioned him. So our other guest, the big, the big guest, the big get, Bill Burr is here with us. Hey, Bill Burr. Can you believe it? He gave it away. Wow. There's old Billy. Yeah. How about that? All right. All right. All right. Obvious question. Who canceled? I don't know. There's someone else coming. Oh, wait. Somebody died? No. Another guy's coming later. Did you have a third, Mike? And somebody fucking died. We got a surprise later. Oh, okay. It's Giuliani's chair. It's not a surprise if you have the chair there. Did Giuliani die? No, he was in the hospital. He was in the hospital. Yeah, but keep your Apple watch on. No, guys like that never die. They just keep going. He's a vampire. Keep going. Yeah. Giuliani. He was bad. We've been talking 9/11 down here. He was really on fire, 9/11, Giuliani. He was like the guy. He saw it for what it was. He was like, this is a career move. I'm jumping on this. This is good. This is going to get me to the White House. It almost did. He was just unsightly. He wasn't good-looking enough, you know? Couldn't play the saxophone. He had a lot of drawbacks. Just creepy, you know? If Sacha Baron Cohen-- It just wasn't a woman. It wasn't a guy that women could see sexually assaulting them, that they would let it pass, you know? Now, Barack, he won't fuck you. He's a hunk. - Right? - He's hot for a present. I feel like. No, he's slick. I don't think you'd call a black guy slick. I think that's his nickname. He's down. He's a homie, man. He was charming. Charming's better. All right, all right. No, I think Obama is handsome. But if he was up here, he'd be the second most handsome guy up here. Third. Greg's got him. Seriously? No. The hope. He's like, seriously? Hey, all right. I forgot you were here. Who do you think's the hottest president of all time? It's got to be Kennedy, right? Reagan had a look. Not when he was in office. No. He was 106. Reagan had great hair. He had Superman hair. He was like if Superman lived. Beautiful hair. Right? Well, the actors died. Superman's alive. Sorry, nerds. He's still out there. He's still out there spinning the globe backwards to undo your teeny. teeny-age life. Guys with hair back then. This feels like we're live from Applebee's with these fucking chairs. I don't understand why we're sitting so high in the air. There's no way to sit comfortable in these two without a fucking table. So, you guys want to get some sliders? Now you just. The sadness of your life is exposed. These are very Buffalo Wild Wings, for sure. Greg looks incredibly comfortable. I feel good. I wish I'd thought out my socks more because that's really what people are looking at. Let's see them. These fucking. No, no. I'm saying I would've worn something fun. Oh, I thought you had a fun pattern. No. Now, do you worry at all. Now, you're slightly older than I am, but do you worry about a boner with those pants? I hope for a boner. I don't worry about it. We could get that thing up, I'm sure. Come on. Who's volunteering? Run your fingers through Faheem's hair. That'll get you going. We keep talking about 9/11. You might pop wood. Hey, folks. Two-Headed Stories brought to you by Blue Chew. Have things been boring in the bedroom recently? Well, spice it up with Blue Chew Gold. Blue Chew Gold is a 4-in-1 tablet with a new formula designed to boost your blood flow and arousal. Now waiting for. No more waiting for a pill to kick in. No more performance anxiety. Just the results you want when you want them. I gotta say, Blue Chew has helped me out. You know, I like to put a few cold ones back, maybe have a nice tequila or whatever, and you don't want to take any chances with the ladies. So I keep a Blue Chew on me. They taste good. They work every single time. And they work very well. Sometimes too well. That boner is throbbing. So get on it. See for yourself why Blue Chew is the number one brand in erectile dysfunction. The process is 100% online and super simple. Don't let your mind get in the way of a good time. Discover your options at BlueChew.com. We've got a special deal for Tuesdays with Stories fans. It's all pipes. We've got right now when you buy two months of Blue Chew gold, you get the third month free with promo code Tuesdays. That's promo code Tuesdays. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and safety information. Thank you, Blue Chew, for sponsoring the pod. Hey, folks. Tuesdays with Stories brought to you by Fabletics. We love Fabletics. I'm literally wearing Fabletics pants and a Fabletics shirt right now. This is all I wear is sheath and Fabletics. No condoms. With the nice weather, when the nice weather hits, you need clothes that can keep up. Fabletics has great pieces at a great price. Sign up for the new VIP Fabletics member and get 70% to 80% off everything after the membership. The membership is about 70 bucks. After that, the membership is about 70 bucks a month. Your monthly membership includes a credit you can use towards a full outfit or bundle up to 100 bones. Skip any month you'd like. Fabletics reminders mean there are never any surprise charges. I love this stuff. Like I said, I'm wearing them right now. I wear them on stage. I wear them to the gym. I wear them to the brothel, to the playground, all the places. Very nice. Very comfortable. Good stuff. Get premium fit, feel, and performance at a fraction of the price with Fabletics. Shop now at Fabletics.com/Tuesdays to get 70% to 80% off everything when you sign up as a new VIP. Take the style quiz and be sure to select Tuesdays when prompted to unlock this offer. This is a limited time offer, so don't wait. Again, that's Fabletics.com/Tuesdays for 70% to 80% off everything. all of everything as a new VIP. Fabletics.com slash Tuesdays. Get on it. Now you're known for your hog there, Fitzy. It's good. You know this, Bill, right? No, I haven't heard it. Tell me about your hog. It's a hog heard around the world. It's good. It's good, but you know, I don't want to talk about it. You just want to show us. Let's talk about it a little bit. Yeah. Is it still working after all? Don't fucking say it like that. Is it what it used to be? My wife is very happy with it, and that's the only person that really matters. All right. That's very nice. Yeah. Somebody just went, aww. I knew his dick was nice like him. Fahim, you got a nice penis? It's average. I don't know. What defines nice? But you've got nice pubes, though. Slick back, just like that. Yeah, I blow dry them. What kind of product do you use on your pubic hair? Just wax. Yeah. I shaved my pubes today. What are we, seven minutes into this podcast? This is what the fuck I came down here for? I didn't know you were going to have 20 guests. I would have stayed home. I have kids. He's like, oh, can you come down? That's a big get. This is a night of too many stars. Stars? Take it easy. First of all. I had too many middle acts. I tried to say stars. They didn't accept it. First of all, we're 22 minutes in. Sorry, let's get back to pubic hair. I'm sorry. I need to read the audience better. We're 22 minutes in. We covered 9-11. Quite a bit. Yeah, and. From a new angle, too. I shaved my pubic hair today, and I'd like to talk about it. Did you trim? I did the trim, yeah. Makes it look bigger? Nah, it's just too much hair. Makes it look more presentable. I guess so. I did the Naked show years ago, and I tried. I thought it would be fun to shave Mickey Mouse ears, like two big black. But it just looked like an elephant trunk with big elephant black ears. And I had HPV, so I had the tusks. What kind of reaction is that? My test is if the hair gets longer than the tip of my penis, that's when it gets trimmed. It's like a carnival. It's like a carnival if you're over the line. Right. Bill's furious. No, I'm not. I'm just, you know. Just a couple guys in high chairs. I guess guys just sit around talking about their dicks. I didn't know that. I got, this is what you guys do. I kind of. I usually talk sports. Hey, we got the playoffs. Huh? Playoffs? Knicks are in. There you go. With Philly. There you go. You got that right. You kicked the shit out of them in the first game. I don't know what happened in the second one. Oh, shit. Are they playing tonight? Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Boy, now they're rolling in the aisles. Bill's had a rough week with Boston sports. Oh. Everybody's had a rough week. Yeah, my God. What am I going to do? Oh, shit. We lost in the playoffs. Fuck. Hockey and basketball. Yeah, hockey and basketball. Oh, Jesus. Now what am I going to do? I don't know. Watch a movie? No, I don't do that. I don't yell at the TV anymore. I don't get into that. Do you bet on it? I got kids, so I don't want them to see that side of me. So, like, the Celtics won a championship a couple years ago. I've yet to watch one second of it. Because I just knew how I was going to be. And I just, you know, I got little kids. They can't see that. But they can see you cheering them on if they win. Yeah, but the NBA is so fucking rigged. Is that right? Oh, is it? I didn't know that. What? Is this. I didn't know that. Did the FBI investigate? Did the commissioner call them out? Did the commissioner call them on TV to fuck it all up? You didn't see that? No, what the fuck is wrong with you? Back to the pubes. Let's go back to the pubes. I'm sorry. I thought, you know. I missed it. Back to the pubes. Great Michael J. Fox film. Thank you, sir. It's my audience plant. So, yeah, you slick those pubes. Huh? No, just kidding. You got a. Greg, where were you on 9-11, 2001? I was in bed with my. I'd gotten out of bed. My son was one. And we were watching cartoons. And then my friend Billy called. And he goes, dude, they just fucking hit the tower with a plane. And so I turned it on. Wait, how the fuck did he know they did it? Why did he say they? He didn't say a plane hit the tower? He said they? They did it? They'd hit the second tower. At that point, it's a thing. Oh, all right. I was just saying, I think you figured out who did it. Yeah. well my friend my friend's jewish so he he knew they them good we're in l.a can't be too careful so your friend called and my my mom was scheduled to fly from jfk to l.a on a flight at 8 58. seriously where's this been all wow so i uh well we got to talk about my dick let's get first things first and so uh so i sat there and of course cell phones weren't working everybody's cell phone in new york was out near the airport and so i couldn't get in touch with her and it turns out they told they said get off the plane nobody got their luggage they said get on the first bus that you can find to get out of the airport she got on a public bus that took her out to long island she lives in westchester other direction yeah and uh she went to her sister's house and waited it out and then um we never still there 3001 a space odyssey so many people died oh oh oh i see you gotta throw that in the beginning yeah three thousand one oh my god is that a new movie all right skank fest they would have gotten that joke oh i'll start a war here i thought that was a compliment that they would have gotten if yeah it was you know the joke is they never would have gotten it oh oh all right well i think it was it was it was like less than three thousand people so no i think they hit three no no it was like 2784. oh finally the truth comes out we got to the bottom of it it was 2007. but yeah what a bummer huh crazy and now our next guest pete davidson oh boy that's fun oh man good times bill fahim you got 9 11 stories we're just we're going right down the line here i remember living in new york then yeah i was in new york yeah where was your apartment uh upper east side oh you were nice yeah it's beautiful day you wouldn't know that it was happening and everybody was talking about you could feel the ground shaking no you couldn't you couldn't yeah somebody rolled the building down no they didn't like wiley coyote no they didn't remember that that was one somebody one of the guys wrote it down oh yeah wrote it there was a whoo there was all kinds of i didn't hear that one i remember that no there was all all kinds of that and then i remember there was people walking around with gas masks because there was they were sending to like politicians uh and then people were worried about like some sort of anthrax yeah anthrax that's what it was so i remember seeing this guy he was standing across from danger fields which is now called rodney's that's right about to be something else fun what's his middle name they're gonna call it jacob cohen's um you have to be real old to get that one i remember this guy was standing he had like this gas mask on it just i thought it just struck me as funny i think you got to have it on for it to work right i figured out what time it hits you you're going to some other you're going to die so if you got a gas mask at the house you want to use it you know what's weird as i remember like after it happened nobody knew what the to do and then there was like all of these people like sitting outside eating breakfast on the other side as all of these people were dying and they were just going like oh my god oh my god but they were still getting like eggs benedict and it's just like i'll have two seafood towers no and then everybody yeah then it was like everybody was sort of nice to each other for a few weeks and then i remember running for a bus that was going cross town to go to stand up new york and i missed it and i was cursing as it drove away and i saw a woman laughing at me as it went by i was like it's like all right it's getting back to normal yeah i remember right afterwards you couldn't take taxis to the airport no no no to the world trade center no no no you couldn't you you couldn't you couldn't approach a police horse you couldn't drive to the airport you had some water you had to take a taxi you could you can only take a taxi to the airport you couldn't drive and i thought what better way of stemming the flow of muslims to the airport than only allowing taxis i got it out i got it out well i remember for a while you couldn't go south of 14th street uh-huh they wouldn't let you do that and then eventually they moved it further down i still remember that smell too all those computer wilds this is a great topic dude it's fantastic i don't know how i got on this i remember where were you during uh pearl harbor where were you i was doing dick dorian victoria had a room in honolulu you're still doing a show tonight yeah i was doing dick dorian victoria have you seen dick dorian victoria had a room in honolulu i was doing dick dorian victoria had a room in honolulu i was doing dick dorian victoria had a room in honolulu i was doing dick dorian victoria had a room in honolulu i was doing dick dorian victoria had a room in honolulu i was doing dick dorian victoria had a room in honolulu i was doing dick dorian victoria had a room in honolulu i was doing dick dorian victoria had a room in honolulu i was doing dick dorian victoria had a room in honolulu ambiguously ethnic. Yeah, I really fucked up by keeping my name when I got into entertainment. I could have been Tony, but I'm like, no, Fahim Anwar, this will work. No. Yeah, you look like you could be anything. Yeah. 24 years too late. That means a lot of groups hate you. What? Because they can be like, oh, I'm. Ambiguous? Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Fahim Romano. I get that a lot. I get that so much now. I was on TikTok. Someone called me Timu Ray Romano. Can you do Ray? It's so easy. He's going, grrrr. Grrrr. It's kind of a Chewbacca. Maybe let them down and say this is like our celebrity guest. Grrrr. Grrrr. I'm famous for my Chewbacca. Grrrr. I sound like an old man choking at a restaurant. Grrrr. There we go. That's one of my good ones. Was that in any point? Was that part of your stand-up act? Being serious? No, no. A rough night at a fucking saloon outside of town. You're bombing. You don't pull that out? You fucking did. I guarantee it. You're in Worcester on a Thursday night. That's my get out of jail card. Woo! Now he's got us. Do your elephant. Oh, one of the best elephants in the business. Hell of an elephant. Should I do the thing where you turn around? Grrrr. Grrrr. Grrrr. That was good. Thank you. Thank you very much. Now let me ask you this, and a lot of people know what's coming. Have you seen the program The Jetsons? It's been a minute. Remember the vehicle? Okay. Now we're cooking. Thank you. That's dead on. Can you do Chewbacca driving an elephant? To Ray Romano's house. In the Jetsons' car. No! That's Ray rejecting them. You were not invited. People hate the live episodes. I know! This is gold! Is that yours? No, that one's mine. Oh, great. I'm going to have this one. This is really special. So 9-11, the thing is. You can't forget. Never forget. 9-11 is never forget, and the Holocaust is. Never again. Is it never again? I think it's never forget also. You forgot. Or don't forget. No, it's never again because Rich Voss has it tattooed on his arm, and I think it was deployed. And Apollo was like, where'd you get that? At fucking Bananas or something? At the comedy club. Oh, Jim Norton said. Oh, Jim, he has never again tattooed on his arm, and Jim Norton said that was put on there by a casting director. That's how the story went. And I was there. And the next day, the planes hit the towers. And we never laughed again. And that's what it was like doing comedy in September 2001. Sure about me butchering the joke and crediting to Apollo. Oh, Jim. Don't be mad at me. That's a good line. From Norton. Yeah. Norton's a funny guy. Touch and go here. I tried to get him on the pod. He's opening for Louie at the bowl tonight. And he said no to this for that? I know. That's what I said. Fuck. Fucking idiot. You ever do that bowl, Bill? You ever do the Hollywood Bowl? You ever do the big bowl out there? I feel like you're waiting for a bus. You what? Maybe go to the Hollywood Bowl and maybe take in a show? Do you have good seats? It's cold out, huh? What do you suppose they built it there? You know, it's kind of nestled in. It's not really a bowl. It's more of a plate. Yes, yes, I have put on that. Pretty cool room, huh? Yeah, no, it's amazing. I've opened for a few people there. I did one show myself, and I'm doing one Thursday. Oh, my God! It's the night of two men. There's like 50 people on it. It's not my show. Louie's doing it by himself. Well, with Jim, but he's doing it. Hell, yeah. You weren't there when Chappelle got attacked, were you? No. Okay, that was crazy. Remember that? That was pretty crazy. I do remember that, yeah. That was wild. It was right after the Will Smith. There was like a moment when everybody was getting hit, and then Alec Baldwin shot a lady. You ever have something like that? What's that? Somebody like. I had a guy charge the stage, and he was a big, fat guy, and he was doing this thing where he was heckling me. He was in the front row where no one else could hear it. You ever have that? So he's going, you fucking suck. You're the worst. Kill yourself. You're a piece of shit. And I was like, all right, all right. And everybody kept being like, why do you keep yelling at that guy? We like, you know, he's not doing anything to you. And I'm like, no, he's yelling. You just can't hear it. And he kept being like, fuck you, you piece of shit. You suck. Oh, yeah. I love this guy. It's like validating every. Every evil thought I had, you know? And then eventually I went in on the guy, and then he flipped, and he started walking up the little stairs at the Hartford Funny Bone, and I just horse kicked him out. And he tumbled down the stairs, and they kicked him out. That's kind of a pro move to just be like, hey, you suck. Nobody. Like, really quiet. I know. He was good. He was like a terrorist. Hey, folks. Two-Headed Stories brought to you by Ultra Pouches Oh, yeah. Love it. Looking for a better way to get to sleep? Ultra Sleep Pouches are about to be your new favorite thing. Ultra Sleep Pouches help you fall asleep in 10 to 20 minutes. Sleep better. Wake up feeling great. Unlike other sleep aids, Ultra Sleep Pouches use only six ingredients. Melatonin, passion flower, dosed safe for nightly use. I've been popping these in my mouth. You feel cool. You feel like you're popping in, you know, a little you-know-what, and it's great. And I just pop it in while I'm watching TV at the end of the night after a set. Just leave it in the mouth. It tastes good. And then before you know it, you start getting a little dreary, a little dozy. And you're like, hey, all right. Then I spit that puppy out, and I go to bed. I love it. Just like regular Ultra Pouches, Ultra Sleep Pouches are nicotine-free, caffeine-free, and non-addictive. Ultra Sleep Pouches. Deliver better, deeper sleep with properly dosed and natural ingredients. New customers can use code TUESDAYS to get 15% off at TakeUltra.com. That's TakeUltra.com for 15% off with code TUESDAYS. After you purchase, tell us where you heard about them. Support the show. Tell them Tuesdays with stories sent, you folks. I had a guy. I was at the Kowloon in Saugus. Oh, jeez. Oh, chicken fingers. Chicken fingers and fucking hurricane bowls. They used to have these hurricane bowls. It was supposed to come with like four or five straws, and everybody would share it. I remember those. But these fucking degenerates would each get their own bowl with one straw. It was this fucking big. It was mostly Hawaiian punch. They acted like there was five kinds of booze in there, just fucking watering it down. Water. Watering it down, dude. That's why you got to have a Bud Light. You can't trust him. That's why I didn't want to do a podcast. Have you ever heard what the fuck we say to each other on the phone? I was like, I can't be near this guy. We just do Meathead Boston, guys. I won't even touch him. I don't know the names of his kids. I've known him for 30 years. We've been talking about that. We never get around to it. I have no idea what's going on in your life, and I talk to him every fucking week. And all we do is just go, what's up, you fucking queer? That's all we do. You take it in the shit, that's all we do. For 30 years, that's all we've done. And then it ends with, what time's the show? 7.30, all right, see you down there. That's it. His twin could be dying of cancer. My wife's like, how's Bill? I don't fucking know. I think he must be gay after that conversation. So this lady's in the front row, the Aku Aku. And this was worse than being yelled at. She didn't mean for me to hear it, but I was buying it. I was bombing so bad, and it was so quiet, I overheard her say to her husband, the poor bastard. And I was like, oh. That's the worst, because you can't do anything with that. It was pity, she meant well. Yeah. Yeah, I had a guy, this guy featured for me, murdered. He blew the doors off the place, he had music cues and all that. And I went up, and I'm eating shit, and two old ladies in the front row go, this is bad. That's all I heard. I had to just plow through, sweating. Never been heckled. Not one time. You guys must suck. It's embarrassing. Cal Loon was one of the few comedy clubs that had a detail cop. You just went there, there was just a cop whose job it was to be at the restaurant. That's how fucking horrible. That's how horrible of a place it was. There was just a cop that lived there. Probably stealing from the register. At one point, Cal Loon was the number one most successful Chinese restaurant in America, and top ten restaurant restaurant. I think it's gone now. Is it? Well, the comedy. No, they keep saying they're going to close it, but then I don't know what happens. But then they don't. It keeps going, yeah. I went there, it was one of the first places I ever got booked to do a whole weekend, but the weekend they offered me was Thanksgiving, because nobody was there. So I called my family. My family, and my family's really close, so holidays are a big deal. And I said, I can't come home for Thanksgiving. I got my first paid gig. So my family fucking drives to Boston, gets a hotel room. My dad's got on a suit and tie, and they come down, and they sit in the room. So then the door guy, who was this guy that I was friends with, because I would do open mic nights there. So he's standing at the door, and the front row is empty, and the place is fucking packed. And I'm like, why is the front row empty? And so I start my set, I'm hosting, and I'm about four minutes in, and the door opens, and seven people that have intellectual disabilities are let in by my friend, who held those seats up front for them. And they sat down, and they laughed at every setup, no punchlines, fucked up the whole show. And my family was like, this is what you're going into? You're saying they were tardy. All right, I'm sorry. But wait. I'm sorry. They were literally? Yes. Oh, wow. Yeah. It was like a group home had come out for the night to see comedy on Thanksgiving. Did they get it? They didn't want to feed them at the shelter. So then they just brought them out. We're going into the darkness. Are they shelters? Dude, I did the basement of Spaghetti Freddy's on Route 1 in Norwood. Like one town over. And the only people in the crowd were my family. And like five people I went to high school with. It was just fucking brutal. Oh, Spaghetti Freddy's. I felt bad for them, because at that point, I had the poise to be in a humiliating situation like that from all the other gigs. So they actually, they couldn't look at me. So that actually became funny, that what I was doing was so pathetic that my own family was just sort of staring at the ground and not looking at me. And they were coming up like, yeah, sorry about that. I'm like, hey, you know, it happens. I was trying to make them feel better. It's like, you know, sometimes people show up at us. Sometimes they don't. Wait, can I ask? You guys want to go upstairs and get some spaghetti? I got a discount. I have a question, because every year when I was a kid, and I'm wondering if you're misremembering or if there's two different places. But I grew up going to Spaghetti Eddie's in Foxborough for my birthday. Was there a Spaghetti Eddie's and a Spaghetti Freddy's? No, the Freddy's senior died and left it to Freddy and Eddie, and they had a falling out. Holy shit. And Eddie. Eddie got Foxborough, and Freddy got Noble. Are you making this up on the spot? Yes, of course I'm making this up. I was about to shit myself. There was a Spaghetti Eddie's. That's fucking nuts that the same road had a Spaghetti Eddie's. That's crazy. You ever do Spaghetti Teddies? No. All right. Spaghetti Eddie could only do Ziti, and the other guy had to do Rizzotto. Do a lap. Jesus Christ. Spaghetti Freddy. That's wild. That takes a lot of you. We've got to regroup after that one. My God. We found our ad break. He just never got out of the gate. That's what happened. He slipped at the starting thing, but he. You know when you run the hurdles, and you hit that first hurdle, and you just know you're going to hit all of them throughout the joke? But he had heart. He finished the joke. Yes. He finished the fucking joke, and that's what a pro is. You guys can laugh all you want. Thanks a lot. Thank you. That's what they do. - That's what they say about Greg. They're not good jokes, but he finishes 'em. That's right. I'm like the guy dressed as Gumby that comes in at five hours after the marathon started. All right, I'm fucking out of here. I didn't get the Gumby thing. I finished. You hit it to a double play and then struck out looking. Man, we're going to have to take you out back and shoot you. I did the hurdles thing and I got in my head. My coach. You were a track guy. I was a big track guy and my coach. Your balls hung low. That's the problem. I mean, I do have that too. My balls are six feet long and bright red. It's very strange. He's not kidding. I've tasted them. My balls are redder than fucking the Japanese flag. It's crazy. They just look like. It's like a turkey. Yeah, it's horrible. And then down the middle, it's brown. It's like. I got the same brown. It's like a light brown stripe and then just the brightest red fucking eyeball. Just take out a picture. At this point, Jesus Christ. Pull it up. It's like if you tore your sack and they sewed it up. Yeah, it's bad. And then I got a thumbprint on my cock. It's a whole situation. But the point is I did the hurdles and I got so in my head, my foot just hit the hurdle and I just stomped it down like over and over again. I didn't even skim the hurdles or bump into them. I was just going through it like fucking, you know, like Walter Payton, just fucking slamming through. And my coach was like, all right, you can't do the hurdles anymore. And all of a sudden. You have too much anger in you. This isn't the event for you. Well, and then I was trying to do high jump too because he's like, you're tall. But I was the only guy, usually when you jump, you knock over the, if you don't clear it, you just kind of hit it and knock it over and you go flying. I was jumping straight into it like I was at a Nirvana concert. I was just going in and landing on my back. So every time I did the high jump, I'd go, oh! And I had a big red fucking bruise and the coach was like, no one's doing it. He's like, you're literally jumping into the, but I got skittish as I got close. I was like, fuck! And I just dove like Kurt Cobain through the drum kit. You were like a Christopher Reeves horse. Boy, they really. We're trying to get another tragedy in there. God, you caught Fitzsimmons. Where were you when Christopher Reeves fell? Do you remember where you were? Anyways, I kept jumping into the bar. I need to, I'm like retarded. I need to just run. If there's anything in the way, it's a problem. You're forced. Folks. Thank you, sir. If you weren't here, I'd kill myself. Sorry, I made fun of your bomb, man. Did you play sports? That's all right, man. You fucking helped me out with that one. Soccer, huh? Oh, really? No, no, you soccer. What'd you play? This feels like a speed date. I was skateboarding. You're pretty good. I've seen your videos. Oh, I used to be, yeah. Oh, this really does feel like a date. Yeah, this is getting weird. Yeah, I couldn't do the organized. It was too much commitment. So, I'll tell you that. We'll cut this in post. Yeah. Post means after. That's true. You know, like post-game, post-office. Post Malone. I've never experienced this. In all your years? One, two, three, four, five comedians. We all have nothing. It just started, and it started spiraling down, and we're all just like, anybody? Anybody got a parachute? No, but it flows, you see? It absolutely flows. Yes, yes. It's like an ocean. This is a flow. I just started thinking about my life in the middle of the day. Don't do that. It's going by so fast, and all these moments on high. Chairs, like, what do they all mean? Well, the chairs are tough. I don't know what to do. I'm doing a lot of this. I don't either. Gee. It's like when you're in a movie. Why don't cops, when they interrogate people, this is the chair they should have. Just have them fucking sit there, you know? You're all up high. You feel exposed, because you're not supposed to have a table or anything. You're supposed to be directly at them. Like, I feel like confessing right now. Go ahead. Ask me a question. We're doing something. I'm trying to throw some fucking gas on this thing. All right. What comics do you hate? Go. Oh, that's none of your fucking business. What comics do I. I'm too old to hate people. I don't have the energy. Oh, thank God. I thought you hated me. I just think that, you know, that's unfortunate. And then I just. I just move on. Yeah. I get that. No, hating somebody is. Yeah, it's just a fucking. It's a waste of time. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. Burns calories. What time I was at the back of the stand. The old stand. This is years ago. And there was a famous comedian. I don't want to say who. But he was sitting next to me. And I don't think he knew me. But I had that feeling where you're sitting next to, like, a big comic. And you're like, oh, shit, this guy. I wonder if he knows me. This is exciting. Eddie Griffin. There was a comedian on stage. And you're me, and I'm the famous comedian. He goes. Don't you think it should be a fucking prerequisite to be mildly amusing if you're going to be a fucking comedian? Wow. And it was so satisfying. It was fun to be brought into the thing. And I was like, I know, it's crazy. But it was very fun. But there was just a boiling level of anger. And it was a comedian that you don't think of as angry. But it was fun that he kept looking at me being like, are you ready? Do you want to. And then we just shit on the guy. It was really fun. Yeah, but the scary thing is you've got to go up and kill now. Because if he watches you, he's going to be like, ah, shit, this guy sucks too. Yeah, that's a good point. Well, I did Black People vs. N-Words. I had leather on. It was really. I did my best. Nice. Nice. It's a tried and true bit. So you did the old Michael Richards bit, eh? Yeah. The other day I came up with that. I thought this was funny. Like, after that set, they go, hey, Mike, someone was filming. Did he go, that's going to be trouble? And then did he leave in the Jetsons car? Still works. Just that phone. Phone call on the ride home. Hey, Michael, how was your set tonight? Eh, it was all right. Started off pretty good, and I don't know. I had him in the beginning. Might be a little blowback on that one. We'll see. We'll see. And all the pens, they could have been changing tape. I might have got lucky. It was right when cell phones got cameras too. It was the flip phone grainy camera. And it got him. He was the first guy. I like how you're acting like that was like a regular occurrence before cell phones. Back in the day, you could just get. Get up there and scream the N-word, and then nothing happened. That was the golden era of comedy. I don't know why. Yeah, that was one of the more bizarre things that ever happened. Very bizarre. Very bizarre. The week before that happened, I was sitting back there with Louis C.K., and his father came in. I don't know. He's got kind of a strained relationship with his dad, so his dad had never seen him do stand-up comedy before. It's pretty strained. Yeah. So I'm sitting with Louis. He's saying if he's fucking 20 years into his career, he never saw him. Yeah, it's pretty strained. Yeah. Well, you said he had sort of a strained. Oh, you're saying cut out sort of. That's what I'm saying. I didn't. I'm saying the way you described it was funny. I know we're shitting on me when I bomb on a joke. I didn't know we were editing in post. I didn't know we were doing punch-up on my jokes. Well, he's supposed to paint a picture. I'm halfway through the fucking story. Wait to the end. Bill's like that paperclip on Word. What are your kids' names again? This is all we do. This is it right here. This is as deep as it gets. Do you live in New York or L.A.? Dude, when I first fucking met this guy. No, no. When I first came down to New York, it was like fucking like 9,000 degrees out, and I was fucking in his apartment. He goes. I go, dude, please tell me you got air conditioning. He goes, dude, you're going to be in your fucking BBDs in about 10 minutes. And I was like, dude, you're going to be in your fucking BBDs and I'm sitting there for 40 minutes sweating my fucking ass off. I finally go, dude, are you going to turn on that A.C.? You're like, I don't have A.C. So what happened with Louie? So him and his dad are sitting over there, and. Now, when you say over there. Sorry. Starboard. And so Michael Richards is on stage, and the thing is, is that that Edward thing was not isolated. It was on stage. He had a couple up front that were Jewish, and he was calling the. I don't even want to say the words, but like. K-word? Yeah, the K-word, the H-word, like yelling at them, and the crowd was like, what the fuck? Heave? Yeah. Oh, okay. Just clarifying. So. It could also be Jaime. And Louie's dad is like, what the fuck? The L-word. He's calling them lesbians. No one can figure out why. And his father was like, his father was just fucking horrified. He's like, this is what my son, after all these years, this is what you do? You go in front of this? And a week later, the N-word thing happened. Has he seen Louie's set? It's not exactly squeaky clean, right? Well, that reminds me of my story. I've told this before, but this was a moment where I realized it's very important to take care of your mental health in comedy. This is like 15 years ago. You guys know Chance Langton? Sure. Of course. Take a chance. Give Chance a piece. Yep. So he was an older Boston cop. He was probably in his 60s at this point. He was staying with us, with me and my three. I had two roommates, so there was, like, three of us. Like, we were all, like, 22 years old, alcoholics. And Chance Langton, who was probably 65 at the time, was staying on our couch, which was just a weird situation in general. Just a very funny situation. I thought 9-11 was going to be the saddest thing I heard of. But we were, like, sure. We were, like, sure, you can stay with us, yeah. And we're, like. We're, like, literally 22 years old, like, just fucking guzzling booze, and he's, like, what's that now? But anyways, so then we were all at Caroline's. We all met back up at Caroline's. And Otto, of Otto and George fame. Oh, wow. Yeah, he was hanging out, and this was right after Richard Jenney had died. And then Joey Gay was there, and Joey Gay made some. a joke about Richard Jenney, and it triggered Otto. He was buddies with Jenney. So Otto just fucking snaps, and he's like, fuck you, you don't talk about my friend Rich, and if you. I'd fucking. I'd fucking beat the shit out of you right now, but I'm afraid if I did, I'd go to fucking prison and get raped in the ass by a bunch of fucking N-word. And he says. He screams the N-word. So we're at Caroline's. Was it the puppet, or was it him? It was him. Okay, okay. So he's like, this motherfucker. And he's just screaming at the top of his lungs, and I'm like, this guy's crazy. And in the middle of this, Chance goes, do you know anywhere I could get up tomorrow? Like, he's just not even noticing. Right. And I just looked at these two old veterans, and I'm like, I gotta get a therapist or something, because I don't want to end up screaming the N-word at the bar or not noticing that someone's screaming the N-word at the bar. Right. So it was a life-changing moment. What did Joey Gay do? I think he was just kind of going, oh, I think he was just kind of taking it. Oh, damn. Yeah. Wow. I guess this isn't a funny story, but. Anyone else sad? Yeah. Anyways, everyone in the story is dead now. Oh, yeah. Joey Gay's still going. Joey Gay's, yeah. Yeah, Chance is alive, too, actually. Wow. He's on my couch right now. Well, we'll cut all this. Were you ever poor? I'm trying to get you to talk. I know. This isn't my format. You were so nice. I had the special coming out. You're like, come on out. And then, like, these guys are so great. This is not my format. You're great, too. I'm alright. I'm alright. Alright, okay, guys. Guys. Watch my special on YouTube. It's called Truths and Thoughts. I got my plug. Come on, you gotta earn it. I know, I know. And you especially just sit there. You don't talk. Yeah. But you're great. I guess I've never done a live podcast before. Oh, really? Yeah, this is my first. We're taking the hymen? Oh, my God. I'm just such. I'm so bad at this format, but I'm just, like, observing. It's like I want a ticket to watch you guys. You're great. You're almost as good as one of them. You must have a crazy story. We're gonna pull it out of you. About what? What's your go-to dinner party tale? I mean, this is random. Okay. Here we go. Random, baby. Oh, yeah. Come on. Okay. Here we go. I'm like the equipment manager. Like, he's got a story. A long time ago, I had this. I roll on this sitcom or whatever, like a really bad sitcom. We're actually out of time. Yeah. No, sorry. You want to sit down? We're on a sitcom. Was it a sitcom or was it sort of a sitcom? It was a sitcom. It was Trish Daly's sitcom on TV Land or something, you know? Oh! And then there was. So, you have to, like, rehearse before you shoot for the weekend, you know? We're on Friday the shoot day. So, there was this woman there. She's like, "Oh, my boyfriend. My boyfriend's gonna come to the taping." I'm like, "Okay, her boyfriend." And then it comes the day of the taping, and then her boyfriend is Al Pacino. Whoa! She's just saying her boyfriend. And then I thought that he was gonna be, like, in the audience, just, like, watching. But he was back there and everything. But it's crazy, it lets you know that even Al Pacino has to do boyfriend duty. You know what I mean? Afterwards, he's gotta be like, "That was great. Oh, he was so good." Oh. Yeah. Wow. So, the story didn't even happen to you. No, I was there. I was there. Yes. I'm talking about, like, a DUI, a crazy sex story, a fist fight. Yeah. Nothing. Oh, you met Al Pacino. Yeah. All right. What was the sitcom? I forgot what it was called. It was a Kirstie Alley sitcom on TV Land. Whoa! "Quip Pray Again." Yeah. RIP, RIP, you know. Oh, yeah, she died. Yeah. She was at 9/11. I feel like that's how all the stories have ended for the last 20 minutes. And now that guy's dead. Yeah, that's true. Well, when does this air? I think the bartender's still alive. Giuliani could be gone by the time-- Oh, that's true. Oh, yeah. That's true. Yeah. Here's hoping. I think we should do-- I think we should do a pool right now on what day he dies, and we each kick in $20. How bad a shape is he in? Bad. Pretty bad. Yeah. Who? Giuliani. Oh. I'd take the over on that. Really? I'll take your action. Guys like him don't die. Yeah. They don't. Well, Cheney died. Huh? Cheney's dead. Yeah. I know. But how long did that take? Quite a while. He survived the gunshot to the head on a hunting trip, didn't he? Yeah. He shot somebody else. No, he shot the guy. He shot a guy. But he had like six heart attacks. He had a fake heart. They just fucking put a new engine in it, like an old car. He just kept going. They rolled back the odometer. And I was like, this guy's never going to die. Yeah. Mitch McConnell's still going, too. Who? Mitch McConnell. Yeah. He's old. Boy, he stalled out a few times. Old Boston comic. Yeah. He just froze. Sounds like it. Mitch McConnell's doing 20 before you. And he wants you to keep it clean, if you don't mind. Sleep it on your couch. Hey, that's McConnell's bit. Mitch McConnell, let him know. He does clubs and colleges all over DC. Mitch McConnell. I'm going to put you in "Drake It" with Mitch McConnell. You've got to work clean. He couldn't follow Mitch McConnell. Mitch McConnell's got a great bit about Menino. It's fucking dead on, kid. That was a mayor. Thank you. We went a little local there. It's fucking dead on, kid.