#656 Whore-nado

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't. Oh, Jesus H. Christ on Christmas. Hey, I wasn't ready. We're here. We're queer. We're back, baby. It's a lovely day. Now, I got these plants outside. But now I gotta water them. Yeah? That's a lot of work. Nah, not that much. Do you have a can? I don't have a spigot. I got a can. Spigot? They're all over the place. What are you, crazy? Spigot, please. But yeah. So I gotta fill up these giant jugs and walk out there. Well, your wife's got a pair of jugs up there. I know, but I hope they shoot milk. Folks, is it a spigot? What's a watering can? Remember the big metal can? I need gallons. Wait, so what's a spigot? I don't even like saying this. Eek, eek, eek, eek, eek. Oh, like a sprinkler. A sprinkler is a t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t. But it's like a sprinkler, I'm saying. I'm not saying it is a sprinkler. Like a wall thing. It comes out of the wall. Oh, a faucet. Oh, I see, I see. That you attach the hose to. Yes, yes, yes. I see, that's a spigot. That makes sense now. Rose before hose. I was thinking the thing at the ballpark that comes up and it's like a t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t. Oh, no, I wish I had that thing. A sprinkler system. Yes, yes. The spigot, I see. Spigot. But yeah, I wish I had a faucet. What do you call it? It is a spigot. Okay, a spigot. Yeah, that makes sense. We should just start calling people in the neighborhood spigots. Because it sounds offensive, but it's not. It sounds like half Spanish, half. Bigot. Yeah, a little bigot. Well, a lot of them are bigoted. Yeah, I'm sure they're like, look at this white asshole coming into our neighborhood and ruining us. You're a Spanish bigot. But yeah, this is so crazy to think about. My ex-ex-girlfriend, it doesn't matter who, but her friend's boyfriend, they just. I don't know if I can say it. His nickname was just Spigger because his mother was Latino and his father was black and this is just like, you know, woke, for the time, college kids. Like, this is like, who we think of as like, woke, progressive, like all liberal, progressive, but 26 years ago, there was a black Spanish kid and that's what everybody called him. Spigger. That was his name. Wow. No, I still, to this day, don't know his real name. Wow. That was just his name. That's what everyone called him. Nobody was like, that's crazy. Yeah. It was like, oh yeah, this is my boyfriend, Spigger. Wow. Boyfriend, Spigger. Is that wild? Yes. Wow. Can you imagine? Do you, Spigger, take this bitch? They got married. Wow. Yeah, yeah. I do. And it's so just mind-blowing to think of that now in 2026. Yeah, yeah. That's wild. Well, the craziest ones are when you just add a word to the N-word. Right. Like sand. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Those are crazy, too. You're like, that didn't even. You just took a slur and added another adjective or a noun. Yeah. Eskimos. Snow N-word. Snow N-word. Oh, I never heard that one. Wasn't that a Dave Attell joke? That was Snow Mexican. Snow Mexican. Oh, jeez. I just made it tell. Well, he had floor N-word. That's what you're thinking of. Oh, that's what it is. For midgets. Uh-huh. Yes, yes. Boy. Good time. That was in the Comedy Cellar on stage in front of everybody in, what, 2005? Yeah. I guess, I mean, Zach Galifianakis had a handful of N-word jokes. He had multiple N-word jokes. Multiple. Which sometimes Sarah and I suspect. That's why he's been laying low. I think people started going down, and he was like, I'll just keep a low profile. Yeah, yeah. Now he's got a new gardening show. Yeah, he's got a, I should invite him over. Yeah. Get a spigot in here. But I think you can get one of those metal can, a watering can. That's fun. I got the can. It holds six ounces. Get a bigger can. Cans. Get a nice, big, juggy can. I need a full Iran barrel full of fuel. But I think you do multiple trips. That's part of the meditative thing of it. You go back, you get more water. I guess, yeah. Then you come back, you spring it around. And then you go back and get more. Wade in the water. You know, you do like, you do 20, 30 minutes out there. That's a lot of watering. I know. Oh, look at this tree. It's already bending over. It's still windy out there. It's a tunnel. We can't get any weather out here. Yesterday, it was just. I know. It's the buildings, Jerry. They fuck us. Jew tunnel. Well, I think with no buildings, it would be even windier. I don't know. I know. It creates the, yeah, I think you're right. There's some stuff there. Yeah. But you go to the Midwest. It's Auntie Em. Oh, yeah. They got tornadoes out there. That's no good. Hornado. Is that a, I bet there's a, there's going to be a point called Hornado. Oh, I gotta be a Hornado. She just blows everybody. There's a Sharknado. There's gotta be a Hornado. Lately, my boy and I, we've been watching Monster Jam. What's that? The monster trucks on YouTube. Oh. He's loving it. He loves monster trucks. So we put it on. It's on YouTube. You watch Monster Jam. There's Megalodon. That's the shark one. The Gravedigger. Everybody knows Gravedigger. Yeah, easy. Then there's a dog one that Marty loves. He's got his tongue out and a big tail. Then there's a zombie. He's got arms in the air. It looks like he's howling. Oh, wow. He's in Skid Row in LA. There's a bunch of those. We've got to go to the MSG one. I know. Well, the next time it's here, it's in Newark, but I think I'm gone. I'm in like Portland or something. Oh, okay. And then I've been watching the bowling doc on HBO, and so then Marty came out, and he's like, oh, you're watching bowling. Fun. What does this get, 80? Oh, you're watching bowling. You're watching bowling, eh? Well, so, but I'm like, he doesn't want to watch the doc, so I just went on YouTube and found some old bowling matches, which are pretty exciting. Oh, really? So now- Pete Weber. My son is just going, I want to watch bowling and monster trucks. I got Mountain Dew in his bottle. He's got a fucking spike barbed wire tattoo. I'm just raising the biggest wife trash. He's going to hit your wife. He literally likes bowling and monster trucks. He's a piece of shit. Has he got Marlboro Reds up here? And is he working construction? He's got, yeah, big boots, all laces undone. Wow. I voted for Trump. Yeah. So it's been fun. We've been watching all monster trucks and bowling. And I got to tell you, I'm full bowling monster truck guy now. It's fun. Bowling's awesome. Monster truck, you can't get more American. You know, like, that is the pinnacle. The Middle East does not understand monster trucks. Well, they do crazy shit. They go on the front wheel. They can spin on one wheel. Then they go on the side and do like, and then they spin. They spin so fast, they come back on all fours. And they always land it. You know, they jump over eight broken cars, and then they plop down, and they always kind of even out. Yeah, well, they land up on their roof a lot. Oh. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. They run out. I went to monster trucks at the Tacoma Dome with Shane years ago. That must be an episode we talk about it, which is also funny to think about. Shane was at Tacoma Comedy Club. It was sold out because he was blowing up. Sure. But it's impossible to me to think about I'm at the Tacoma Dome with my family and just hit up Shane. And he comes by himself during the day. That's true. And he bought me a Gravedigger t-shirt. Hey. Had a Bud Light, and then went and did the comedy club. Wow. And at that point, he was texting me being like, come to a guest spot. Because he had no buddies. He wasn't bringing an opener. Right, right. He's like, let's hang. And I was like, nah, I'm by the campfire. Everything about that is unimaginable now. Now he's like George Harrison. He can't go near that place. Now he plays the Tacoma Dome. Oh, he's Gravedigger. And the idea of him texting me like, come open. And me being like, I don't think so. It's just crazy. Because he'd be like, I'll give you $35,000. Sure, sure. I'll give you a monster truck. And then this is the last thing about monster trucks that's so sweet. My nephew, Joey, who's older now. Now he's about to be 11. Back then, he was six or whatever. And at the monster trucks, they give you little controllers. You vote on them. You give the thing five stars. It's like little. What do you call that? Like an apparatus. No, no. It's like a computer-y thing. Oh, I see. It's the audience vote. Kind of like Star Search. Yes, yes. One through five. Yes. And my nephew, Joey, would give five to every single truck. They could drive out and stall. Oh, that's a good kid. They'd stall. And he'd be like, five stars. Loved it. Oh, man. Don't meet my wife. She'll be furious with that score. Which is fine. Because Shane and I, everyone was like, one. Fuck you. Didn't land it hard enough. So we were having a good time. We were having a good time. But he was just sweet as pie. Big smile. Good kid. Everybody got a five. Don't let him vote for the governor, though. He'll just give everybody a yes. Well, that and, you know, at some point, eventually he'll be on YouTube being like, the pod isn't what it used to be. You fucking homos. You suck now. You're slouching or whatever. But early on in your life, you're like, everything's a five. Innocence. Yeah, the negativity kicks in later. So keep being positive, Joe. HIV positive. I thought I was hogging. Oh, no. I did all the monster shucks. I was like, I'm talking too much. So I was kicking it over to you. I want to get out there. Maybe I'll get into bowling. I love the doc. Pete Weber's awesome. Yeah. Bowling's great because they're like comics. They're out in the middle of Chesapeake, Missouri, bombing, you know, eating dog shit and getting drunk in the middle of the day. Most of us have performed at bowling alleys. That's true. And it's pretty good because you think, I've mentioned it. that several people that I was I was watching some bowling, and Sarah said this. My dad said this. They bowl a strike every time, which is not true. Yeah. No. They don't. No way. Yeah, no one's bowling 300. I mean, someone is. I can already feel people being like, are you fucking kidding? There's been 300. Well, what's that Australian cat? He's pretty good. Oh, yeah. He's big. Well, you know what's weird is you watch the show. We don't have to get into the nitty gritty here, but they'll be like, this guy's the best bowler on the planet. He's unbelievable. And then they show him. They're like, he got in 10th. Yeah. Wow. He's the best. But now he's 10th? How's that work? Well, you know, you're off, and then the oils. The oils, Jerry. Yeah. It's a tough business. Tough racket. Baby oil. Yeah. Well, this pod's in the gutter. But no. Steerak. The pod is great, or the show is great. Ben Stiller produced. No kidding. Now, that's one of those things you go, is he into bowling, or do they just throw his name on there? Well, maybe someone pitched it, and he threw in some cash. Or, yeah, maybe he's into bowling. I know he's a huge tennis guy. Now, here's a theory. And Nick's. Ah, yes. He's out there with Shalamu and the other guy, Tina Fey. Yeah. Safdie called Sam. So, let's go to the Knicks. Which one? Josh or Ben? The bearded. The disheveled one. There's one who looks super crazy and dewy, and then there's one that looks homeless. The Marty Supreme one, or the fighting The Rock one? I don't know who's who. I think Supreme Pizza. Supreme seems to be the better one. Yeah. I enjoyed the flick. Supreme? Yeah. It was fun. It's stressful. It's a little all over the place, too. There's a dog. There's a dog in there. The bathtub. Yeah, the bathtub. I was like, what are we doing? Is this an action movie? Well, he makes movies that I'm just like, ah! Yeah. Ah! He really nails what it's like to be around Jewish New York people. Oh, the tension. You're like, okay, okay. Just take a breath. Yeah, don't bomb me. I get it. But wait, what was I going to? Oh, here's a theory. I'm going to hog. Hog, please. I got nothing. We've got three episodes this week. Ay, ay, ay. Don't remind me. We'll see you in L.A., homos. So, uh, you know how we go, you go on a date with a girl, and you go, hey, I got a candlelit dinner. That's between us. I got a candlelit dinner. Get rid. We're doing a carriage ride to the park, and then we're going to stay in a log cabin or whatever. It's all old-fashioned shit. Old-fashioned shit is boring. Right. So do you think in, like, 20 years, people are going to go, we're going bowling, and they're going to go, oh, my God, that's so romantic. Or we're going to the movie theater. I think so. That's coming. I think the movie, yeah, movie's good. I mean, bowling was the date, bar none. When I was a boy, if you were talking to a girl, that was what you did. Yeah. Bowling. Bowling was huge. Now they're closing, like Spirit Airlines. But they're making a big push, because I'm watching hockey every night, and they have go bowling around. Don't go boring. Go bowling. Oh. So bowling, I think, is we got to survive. Someone must have, maybe it was Stiller. They pumped money into the bowling situation. Good. It's athletic. It's communal. Well, I just can't bowl more than once. One string. I am sick of it. I'm like, I can't do it. Really? Oh, you know what's another one? Skating rinks. Yeah. Remember roller rinks? You'd go in a circle for six hours. Skate town, my hometown, it's still there. We had airline skate country. Whoa. Good time. It got a little ghetto, and people stopped going. Ours was very ghetto, yeah. It was right next to Brockton, so it was definitely, it was one of those things, that was like the joke in town. You're like, yeah, yeah, well, you better be careful if you're ever going to skate town. Yeah. You're like, that kid's good. Skate's got rims. Yeah, I think skate town was where you went to, you know, smoke pot and beat up a minority. Yeah. We used to be a country. So, we got a lot to get into here, Fatty. Wait, what were you just going to talk about? Oh, the date. The date thing. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. The old-fashioned shit becomes romantic for some reason. Yeah. You know, candlelight was just how you lived, and now it's going to be bowling alleys. Yeah, maybe one day it'll be like, hey, let's sit across from each other and look at TikTok. Oh! You know what I mean? That's going to be crazy. Let's text each other. Yeah, let's have a conversation and look each other in the eye. Woo! Or maybe because virtual reality will be such a thing, they'll be like, hey, let's watch porn on a computer. Whoa! You know? Because later, it'll be a headset. You'll put on like a Darth Vader helmet. Or even crazier, let's fuck. Right. Like missionary vagina penetration with a pee-pee. Yeah. I got to stop hanging out with my kid. By the way, I don't know. I was at Walmart a couple weeks ago. I had to buy diapers and a pair of water diapers, whatever they are, swim diapers. Swim dipes. And the aisle, the walk back to the register took me down some negligee aisle. I grabbed some fishnets just on a whim. Hey, for the kid? Last night, I put them on and robbed a bank. No, I put them on my wife, and I came like the Niagara Falls. There was something about it. Did you rip them? No, no. I want them for the future. You want a bag of Satsumas? I can't just be buying fishnets willy-nilly. All right. No, I put them on. That foot is all soft and fishy, and they came right up the side, and you get some soft black legs. Ah, I love a black leg. Sounds like a pirate. Black leg. Old black leg. But yeah. Get yourself some fishnets, boys. There you go. Stick them on your lady. You know, you have to fight with her. She's like, I don't want to wear this. I feel silly. And I'm like, shut up, you cunt. And I shove them on there. Get the boy to come in and smack her around a little bit with the zit in his mouth. It just looked great. So we had fishnet sex and watched some bowling and called it a night. They should change the name because, you know, you don't want fish, but you want a fishnet right on there. Yeah, a fish in there would be off-putting, but it smelled like fish. That's what I'm saying. That's my point. Oh, I see. It's a bad combo. It's a bad connotation. Yeah. It's no fish and chips. I love fish and chips. Me too. By the way, my parents are coming to the UK. Oh! Which is scary. They've never left Massachusetts, let alone the country. It's like Chappelle going back to Africa. Going back to their roots, the honkies. And in my mind, we're worried about food because people think I eat like a boy. Like, these people, they've never eaten a piece of fish or anything. And I'm like, well, they can just have fish and chips every night thinking. Yes. That's easy. That's Boston. That's boiled. But I'm like, they won't even eat fish. Whoa. No. But they're in the right place, though. It's beer. It's fries. It's potatoes. You can get a burger there. They got a burger. The food sucks. They're going to fit right in. They got shikki tenders over there. Don't keep them away from the curry. Yeah, they won't be having any Indian food. I can tell you that. Oh, boy. But that's going to be awkward. All right, so get into it. Hog it up. All right, well, did I tell you about the corporate gig I did for the steel company? I don't think so. Oh, I got to run this one by you, Fatty. Michael, we're bigger than U.S. Steel. Spigot. Godfather. So I go down to Atlanta, Hotlanta. Mm-hmm. To do this gig. Gee. It's on a Wednesday. Oh. And so I told my agent, I was like, find me something for Thursday and Friday, and I'll just come home Saturday. I don't want to just go to Atlanta and come back. So we'll get into that. But we got this crazy gig, and they go, Sam's done it. Tony Hitchcliffe's done it. Brian Regan's done it. Bill Ingvall, Larry the Cable Guy. It's like been around. A lot of legends and Tony. Yeah. So I go, oh, great. The money's insane. They go, 25 to 30 minutes. I go, what? That's awful. They go, it's at the Tabernacle. I go, great. Wow. It's not in a fucking ballroom at the Hilton where I can get shot by a teacher. So I go, great. Book it. Big bucks. I show up there. Steel Company. So outside, it looks like a bunch of Marty's. It's all bowling fans and drinking Mountain Dew and wife beaters. So I go, oh, this is going to be a cakewalk. I walk in. The place is bananas. They're all going nuts. It's three floors of whores. It's a big balcony. And I kind of get in there, and you're like, what's going on? They start giving you the run of the land. And they go, oh, yeah, we had this guy last year. Ate it. And we had Sam Murill before that. And I go, oh, OK. So I text Sam. He goes, ooh, they were tough. And I was like, ah, shit. Here we go. But it's 25 minutes. Well, isn't the steel business not doing so hot also? I think they're probably struggling. I think they're angry, right? Maybe. These guys were beyond loaded. Oh, boy. So I meet the owner. He's this big, big, beefy German guy with a red fur coat. Must have been 6'9", if he's an inch. OK. And he comes back there. Har, har, you spigot, whatever. He's got a giant mitt. He's a blackleg. Yeah. Big German dude. And so the guy who was running the thing, he used to do comedy. And he was like, just go dark. Go dark. And I'm like, everybody says that. But they never want it. Well, steel men. I know. But everybody goes, be edgy. We like it dirty. And then I do my shit. I do the podcast. And they go, jeez. They pull the curtain. They call HR. And they deport me. Right. So I'm like, all right, all right, all right, all right. Let me figure this out here. I'll just play the hits. Here we go. And the next room over, I hear a guy yelling and whatever. I peep my head in. John Daly. What? The golfer. I know who he is. I know who you are, motherfucker. He's in a white polo, wacky pants. He's got a beard down to here. It's him and his wife. And he's just doing a, like a. A personal appearance. He's just going, hello. Oh, that makes more sense. I thought he was fucking pulling steel out of the ground. No, no. He's doing a whole wave. He gets paid like $10 million to wave and wink. Wow. So he's chugging these drinks he has. He sells his own RTD. Does anybody not have an alcohol company, respectfully? Just Chuck. William H. Macy, Tom and Bert, The Rock, you. Kevin Hart. Kevin whatever. John Daly. Looney's. Ryan Reynolds This is crazy I gotta get a beer Get a beer Joe Beer I think even Mulaney Sells a non-alc No kidding Give that a go If you don't mind there Fun bearable I'm pretty sure He sells a Near beer Whatever the hell you call it Give me other Give us all the celebrities That have alcohol Oh it's gonna be a long Epstein's list Damn Alright so John Daly's selling What's RTD sorry Ready to drink It's like DTF Down to Down to funnel Weird So They go you wanna meet him And I go I guess He doesn't wanna meet me But they're like Come meet him So I go Who did you want me to look up Mulaney Near beer I looked it up I looked up I've not seen anything But He's got a He's got a bottle on his Insta all the time Or a can I mean Maybe it's not his But he You know Whatever you call it Invested Yeah Or just Whatever They pay him to He's advertising Oh maybe he's advertising That's a good point Yeah I don't own Fucking Fucking Sheath That's true It says he's Yeah it says He's partnered with Years Years Years Okay I looked up That near beer thing Still crazy He's a co-owner And stars in advertising Okay there you go Co-owner I'll take it Wow Alright Hey there folks Tuesdays with Stories Is brought to you by Quince Yeah That's Q-U-I-N-C-E My wife just had a Ugh My wife just had a birthday I went to Quince Christmas I went to Quince I bought myself Stuff I bought the baby stuff I bought Sarah stuff It's really great The pants If you see me wearing A pair of pants That's not Track warm up pants It's Quince baby Let me see what And that's just That's just my thoughts Let me see what They have to say Quince clothing is High quality Versatile Built to last You know that Think breezy European Linen Shirts And shorts Pro-tech golf pants And polos For all day wear All the Tuesdays Are out there Playing golf You know it Here here We're country club Kind of people You better believe it If you already Love Quince's clothing Check out their Premium accessories Italian leather belts Bags and 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to wait Check out Lucy's store Locator To find Lucy Near you And grab it Today Here comes the fine print Lucy products Are only for adults Of legal age And every customer Is age verified Warning This product contains Nicotine Nicotine Is an addictive chemical Get some Lucy folks So I go meet John Daly And he's like Hey He goes all political mode How you doing You fucking spigot And he gives me a big hug And he goes You see He's one of these guys That just Talks at you Who tells you What he's thinking Every second There's no back and forth He's a Tim Dillon Right He's just like Hey come here And he's got me in a headlock And he goes You see this This is my new drink This is gonna put High noon out of business White claw out of business I'm like Okay hello And he goes You wanna try one I go yeah He goes yeah Me too And they throw us Two of them And he drinks them both And I was like Alright great So cool guy I go back in my room I'm getting nervous now So they go You're on next We better go to the stage And I was like Okay I'm wearing a blazer I'm all dressed up And there's a circus act Before me This is how much money They have It's like You know Fucking Trapeze And backflip lady Dressed all like a tiger And she's doing A twirly thing With a hula hoop And a guy's Blowing fire That's like Wolf of Wall Street It was like that Then it's me So they go Alright the owner's Gonna go out there For a minute And bring you up And I was like Okay great I'm just buying more time Great I'm trying to Think of jokes I'm riffing on the room Riffing on him He goes up Does 40 He's hammered 40 Sweet guy Sweet guy Nice guy Nice family Is this Daly Or the owner The owner Wow And he's got the thick accent The crowd's hooting and hollering Cause he's the boss So they're like Shut up bitch Tony Danza Yeah They're loving it So he goes up Thick accent German He's doing 30 And he goes Fucking bring John Daly up So John Daly goes up there And now they're Fucking punching each other And all this And John Daly Finally Finally After half the crowd's Gone to the bar Six people quit The steel company One guy went solar So The crowd's all Whacked out now So John Daly He goes You wanna bring up our comic And John Daly goes Sure What do I care So I got a I got a John Daly drink In my hand And I walk up And he goes Mark Norman He reads off a card I walk up with my drink And he goes Thank you Takes my drink Which Cracked me up That's hilarious It wasn't even a bit He just was like Oh thank you I need another drink And I was like Okay great So I walk up That's very funny With a drink He takes my drink Goes thank you Chugs it He walks off stage So I'm drinkless And I just go into my act And it just starts okay And I'm bombing I'm bombing And then I immediately go Yeah how about this Fucking German guy Huh What he built The concentration camps With all that steel I mean They didn't care About the baby The wife New York Anal sex Queefs You name it But I just started Trashing the German And adding steel in Now We're a home run That's what they want You gotta When people tell you What they want You gotta listen But this is the thing That's so So frustrating With these corporate gigs It's a double edged asshole Because obviously I want corporate gigs To keep happening People make a living off them Yes yes But at the same time I want to say I mean I don't think There's any corporate owners Listening to this show But No god damn You don't actually want comedy You want a zing You want to hang out You want a drink You want the circus You want whatever And if you do have comedy Twelve minutes Twelve minutes Of roasting the owner Ten to fifteen minutes Tops Tops You want them to go Hey Frank Frank sucks Billy's off Cock Hey he cheated on his wife With that fucking asshole You're a fat tub of shit You're a coke head You're getting fired You're stealing from the company That's what they want Yes they want that It should be Seven, eight, nine minutes Yeah They do not want Anybody here have anxiety? Yes You ever have a panic attack And your therapist is old Cereal's weird Yeah They don't want it Some is in a box Some is in a bag It's every gig I've ever done That's a non-comedy club Corporate gig Birthday Bachelor party Wedding Whatever it is Christmas party Yep Yep People want to socialize Get drunk And maybe get shit on Twelve minutes Twelve minutes That's a stretch You got the money Give us the same money Give me Give me three hundred and fifty thousand dollars And say do eight minutes And this is for your benefit Yeah yeah And it sounds high But You can tell when I'm up there For eighteen minutes They'd give me ten grand To get off stage Exactly You know what I mean You can feel them like This sucks What else is there Get Bring the dancing dog back Bring the whore With the hula hoop I'm dying here And they want to They want to gamble Or whatever They want to play poker They want to call each other Asshole They want to eat each other's Sisters out Spigot Yeah so You know You run out of shit On the German guy So I'm back to bombing So then one guy Yells something I said something about I don't know Pop tarts He's like Oh pop tart You're dead in the dick And I'm like Hey buddy And that's killing But But then back to the material And they're like You can just You get like You get like Two seconds of grace And then you just hear The crowd talking Right And that just goes way up And then you're like You know you feel like You're just screaming Into the void And it's the longest Half hour of your life You're just counting Those minutes But whatever I got through I got off stage Tried to find a RTD He drank them all by then And then I hear the owner Yelling at John Daly He's like Go back out there We're doing karaoke And John Daly's like I did my part I'm done He goes I'll give you another 20 grand He's like Kick it What? He put the song on He gave the guy 20 grand I mean the guy's so loaded He just kept throwing money around It was amazing Cool dude And so We do the show We do karaoke after And now I'm hammered I've been drinking all night I did a little meet and greet It was all fun And then before you know it I'm with all the The staff of the steel company They just kind of whisk me away I'm in a car I'm in a parking lot Now I'm in the back of a strip club Whoa It's crazy So we're all just Partying Having a great time And they walk in Here's your ones Here's your eight grand of ones Wow And there's crisp hard ones That you can cut a mango open Oh I love crisp hard ones The problem is You give them too many You're like Oh I gave her three bucks I know One more thief I was making change after a while Because I had a bunch of 20s I was like Let me get some ones in there Wow So I can tip people Atlanta's got some Famous strip clubs too Yeah we didn't go to the The gross ones Right I forgot where we went I want to give them a shout out But it was a great club It was one of those clubs You walk in Strip club Clubs are not what they used to be, with OnlyFans, with porn. world you're kind of sitting there like why am i talking to this woman you know she's doing like the how you doing big boy she's trying to get money out of you right and you're like i don't want to talk to you but before you're like a woman's talking to me she has tits yeah i'm gay but now you're like i don't care just put your labia in my ass like what are we doing here i've been to a strip club since your bachelor party yeah they're back they're weird club night maybe in la i'm down but it feels like a movie theater or a bowling alley where you're kind of like man it's a lot emptier there's not the same energy in here just a bunch of old guys and white trash but then before you know it i'm in the back room and that's where everybody is and that's in the bathroom yeah funny guy in korea so yeah you're in the back room and there's everybody there's a girl doing a handstand and people are dropping money in her clam you know it's like a black hole and uh it was and that was crazy and then we we i was like i gotta get the hell out of here got back to my hotel woke up drove to chattanooga now let me ask you the age of your life old question sure the off debated question hit me fatty and a strip club situation who has the power i think the guy with the cash the guy with the cash or the woman who's there's a woman making a guy just give her money sure but there's a man getting a woman to do dirty things yeah some women or some people are like the the strippers empowered because she's got the guy at the other string and he's just pouring his wallet out that's true so she has the power to take all of his money yeah and other people of course the more probably the more popular opinion is you gotta this guy's making this woman do stuff so it's it's an interesting debate it's a good it's a good thing you're raising there i think it's really a metaphor for men and women pussy money who's got the power right you know the guy's got a wad of cash she wants the cash she's got a wad of labia he wants the labia so now we have this uh this power pull push and pull yes rub and tug and uh that it's fascinating because they both want both those things and he can dangle and she can dangle yeah so it's an interesting thing because i've said this i've had this before with i've heard people say both things yeah it's so empowering even like prostitution is empowering i i own this yeah pussy that you want come over here big boy yeah get down on your knees but then he's like you get on your knees everyone's on their knees i've noticed when women say something's empowering it usually is not not and it's usually great for the guy right you know if a woman's like i'm taking my shirt off it's empowering we're like great empower i love feminism yeah yeah but you never see a woman like i'm gonna pay for everything at the house because i'm empowered yeah well how come you can't be empowered that way start paying for some stuff i want to i wanted a power lady i want a lady in a business suit to take her yeah put it on my chest and just put me in the chair yeah power plant tie my hands back spit in my mouth you know what i mean power bottom i'm with you so yeah crazy night all's well that ends well 30 minutes of hell got to meet john daly he couldn't have been cooler the the whole staff and crew and the the people who ran the steel were awesome and uh you get out of there with that big check and it's all worth it then before you know it i'm driving that rental car at 10 a.m to chattanooga for some theater gig tell me about chattanooga i never i don't know anything about chattanooga chattanooga is a wacky town it's uh it's a big confederate staple yeah there's a lot of uh a lot of that a lot of that in the air and uh it's it's one of these cute little town nestled in a in a bottom of a mountain right and it's all pipes pipes it's all brush it's all trees ah so it's like you look out you got the big hotel and you're like it's just all green for as far as the anal can jizz and uh people there it's just like a nice thing on a minor league baseball team called the lookouts oh i don't know why i might have to give that a goog well they got the mountain i think they probably a big job the lookouts fire watchers they should be the fire watchers that's a cool name that's better than lookouts yeah look it feels like i my joke on stage was uh i went to the miners i looked out sound like a pedophile looking out for miners hey that's not bad something like that they they ate it up you get that 20 bump when it's local yeah of course doesn't have to be a perfect joke but if it's local they're like we'll take it so yeah i did some little theater there but i gotta tell you fatty we've talked about this before doing a theater when you don't have a tight hour it feels horrible i bet it's a microscope on how little you have well you could say this to your agent you can say hey give me give me the the chuckle fart they don't care right they're like gonna be in chattanooga one day we'll get you the most money possible and i'm like i know but i don't want to screw the public but i don't think chattanooga has netflix yet i think you could probably get away with it they've only seen whatever's on abc family or whatever boy they got the hallmark channel hallmark norman hey chattanooga fun to say chattanooga aruga yeah hey that was pretty good hey i was just about to say something that was interesting i thought uh i lost it though chattanooga tennessee nice oh fuck me hard all right give me an hour the comedy cellar chattanooga the theater bombing drive it hung over lookout miners oh the theater no material no material in the theater you know you got your 20 that's humming and then it just i know i gotta shoot my stuff now because i'm sick of it that's what i always people always talk about with special how do you know it's ready how do you know whatever i'm like this i'm just tired of the jokes so i'm like let me shoot these a year and a half you're tired of them yeah but you're doing a lot of shows that's true that's true but see i have the opposite i'm like thank god i have this material that's how i feel yeah well you just get tired of telling the joke again and then some of the jokes get weird because you with with kid jokes they get older so now you're like my son's two and a half now i'm like yeah my son uh shit on the floor and wiped his ass with it that's true and then i'm like like how old's your kid i'm like he's 11 like jesus well don't you have this thing too with material and we're getting into the the deep dive here on the inside base but you write the joke and you're like all right the joke is like uh what's something that gets better with age what's something wine well what's something that's wine is grape juice we'll call it grape juice you're like hey this is all grape juice this is great but then after the material is really old you start to hate it it starts to stink but then it becomes wine meaning like if you if you have it the material for so long it actually becomes a whole other thing with new tags and new angles that you wouldn't have thought of before right it's like it's a crazy analogy but it's it starts good then it after time gets weird but then it becomes another thing yeah you kind of because you get sick of it so add lines just because you're tired of saying the jokes and you're the it's kind of lost all its uh intimidation you're like oh that old joke and see your brain is free to just uh queef all over right right so that could happen well my brain's all over the place because i'm editing this movie and then it's trying to do stand-up at the same time and it's it's tricky plus the baby so it's a lot of moving farts yeah well i watched the hogan doc off your ref i got one episode left it is enthralling well the fourth one is great because it's where it gets all fucked up and canceling shitty yeah yeah okay okay and you really i really like him now i never gave a shit or thought about hulk hogan in my life but well wait till the fourth one okay great they really build him up he seems like a nice guy i know he was italian but i think he's a full of shit liar and that's what that's what's problem with the documentary where it's in conjunction with the family and wwe because there's like a million youtube videos of like he's lying about this he lied about that and whatever plus he's steroid he was like a union he like ratted out they were all trying to unionize he went to vince mcmahon it was like just a heads up these guys are trying to whatever all right i hate him now because they were trying to make it where everyone got paid more a living wage and he was like you can't have it whatever oh weird yeah so there's all kinds of stories and he wouldn't give the belt over blah blah blah but i still love him because i was a boy sure and um the whole thing it's very it's very interesting by the way side note i think i mentioned this last time just gotta give a shout out to our pal your pal your pal my pal doug key oh we've been shooting these little sketch things with me him and sarah he is so funny he's like will ferrell this guy should be in every comedy there you go it's unbelievable how about that like one take we've done two three three little videos all one take he has me on the floor laughing that guy he lives in rhode island he should move to hollywood and he's handsome too you rarely get that of the handsome funny guy he's hot and i mean like you tell him the bit this is the idea and he nails it i don't know if you watch it it's so fucking funny i've not seen a word of this the whole bit is he's uh he's the mc of the show but he's also a physical therapist and a hot guy so every time i'm headlining i come off and he's stretching out sarah or he's got her doing a thing that sounds like a documentary and uh you know she's doing like cat cow and he goes man you were great i heard a pop not not you in your spine i heard a and he just he gets the straight he's so straight it's so funny i'm blown away by how funny this man is wow i gotta watch uh you gotta worry sarah might get a little moister down the bridges actually he can go down there right in front of me i don't give a shit hey but uh funny guy and man yeah he's got if i had i wish i was a writer and i had money i'd put him right in something there you go all right well listen up holly weird yeah look the man so anyways yeah we were at we did grove 34 which is still a good the best damn room in the city. No stakes. Now, this is the problem with, so I told you, I deleted Instagram off my phone, so I just have this one guy posting for me. Normally, I would have plugged, hey, Grove 34, because you just got your phone. I never did. So I showed up. I'm just used to it being sold out. There was like 18 people. Oh, no word got out. But it was fun as hell. It was me, Doug, Kramer, the butler, Sarah, and that room is the perfect workout room. It really is. You get a lot of shit done in there. But yeah, we had a great time, and I decided I'm going to shoot, I don't want to say special, but a little YouTube thing called B-Sides and Stinkers. You know those bits that just, they work kind of. I got my whole act. So they kind of work. So we did that, and I was like, oh, there's nobody here. It's not going to work. But it was fun, because there was 18 people there. And they were good? Yeah. Oh, right. Now, what do you make of this? I had one guy do this. Do you ever have this? I'm sure you have. These happen in comedy. Sarah just had one, too. And I don't want to disperse the man, of course. Uh-oh. But I go, hey, anyone got kids? And this guy goes, I got kids. I go, how old? And he goes, oh, night. And I go, boy, you're taking a long time. This is embarrassing, sir. And he goes, well, I lost a child. Oh. And I'm on stage. I'm in the middle of the show. Oh, but at the park or full on? I assume full on. Oh, boy. Full blown AIDS. So then I go, oh, Jesus Christ. We're trying to have fun here, sir. I'm trying. I'm trying to make life. But no one else is going with it. I'm like, we're trying to have a nice time. And you hit me with this. And it doesn't really get a laugh. I will say, if I lost a child, I still don't know the age. That's what I said. That's what I brought up. I wouldn't black out and go, ah, it's all gone. Well, three minutes later, I went, by the way, I still think it's hurtful you don't know how old your other kids are. And that didn't get a laugh. Oh. And so now I'm just like in this awkward thing. My heart's racing. And he looks very. He's not laughing either. He's not like, oh, that's good, buddy. Yeah, yeah. So I didn't ask. I'm like, maybe it happened yesterday. I don't know. Sure. But is there any part of you that's like, could you keep that to yourself? Like in the middle of the show. We're in the middle of a show. He's like, hey, my kid died. Yeah, that's a comedy show. What are we doing here? And I was doing light ball busting. Like, hey, you can't remember your kids? What are you trying? I'm trying to have fun. You get a clip. Well, I can't wait to see the clip. And this guy goes, yeah, my kid's dead. So then you're like. All right. OK. And meanwhile, I just did 10 minutes on having a two-year-old. The joys of a two-year-old. Oh, you're rubbing it in. You can't beat it. There's nothing better. It's the greatest gift of all time. God has bestowed a blessing on me. And this guy's like, well, mine's dead anyways. Oh, that is a whopper. How do you come back? But I still think, like you said, if my kid died, God forbid, heaven help whatever you say. You'd know the exact date. He'd be 16, 14 months and a day. I'd still know. I'd still know how old my wife is. Yeah. It's like being sober. It's a big number. You and Soder? You go, oh, I've been sober 14 days. You know, I lost a kid, whatever, whatever, a week ago. I thought you said it's you and Soder. I was like, what are you guys up to? No, no, no. Up to nothing. He doesn't even have a kid. He lost another one. No, no. He's got a big head, though. Huge noggin. Boy, but you've got to post that now. Oh, I'll post. I'll post and ghost. But he's got a ghost. It's coming up. Maybe it's probably out right now. B-sides and stinkers. B-sides, stinkers, and dead kids. And an awkward, awkward moment. Well, here's what's going on with the clips. It felt terrible. The clips now. So this guy, a friend of mine, he was getting heckled at a show. And he was like, hey, fuck you, whatever, whatever. They go back and forth. He sees the guy in the bar, at the lobby, in the lobby of the club. And the guy goes, hey, man, that was a crazy interaction we had. And he was like, yeah. And the guy goes, can I get that footage? And the comic goes. He goes, I'm getting the footage. And he goes, I want to post it. So now the audience wants to post. So the hecklers are now the people. The heckler is, he heckled him to get a clip for him. That's impressive. This is where we're at. We shouldn't put this out there. Because that's content for his page. Hey, comedians are yelling at me. Look at me. I'm fighting with a comedian. How about that? Oh, we're doomed. I mean, it's over. The business is dead. But you kind of almost can't blame the guy. Because we've been using them for years. Years. Like, hey, you fat bitch. I'm posting this on my page. Double D's you got there, sir? Now they're like, fuck you. I want it too. Well, I just had an incident at the Village Underground this weekend. And I don't want to say who's hosting. Because he's a dear, dear friend of mine. And I think he's hilarious and a sweet guy. And I love him to death. But he was doing a thing. He was doing a bit of crowd work. And it was a college kid sitting stage right. And the bench, the seat's like facing this way. The stage is right here. And he was just sitting like this. And the host guy, who's, a close friend, was like, why are you sitting like that, you fucking idiot? And he's like, what are you, retarded? You sit like a fucking idiot. And I was in the back being like, how else would he sit? I don't get it. Yeah, yeah. So I went on stage and said that. I was like, yeah, I've never done this before. But one comic is shitting on the audience. Remember, I went on and was like, hey, I don't know how else you would sit. I don't get it. That's lunch. I like that. I thought it was pretty funny. It bombed. And I think the guy was mad at me. Because I ruined his crowd work moment. But I'm like, you're just sitting. And the guy's like, I know. Yeah. I'm not a crowd work hater, but I don't like the bullying. Like, if you go, oh, what? What? That's crazy. Oh, my God. What a silly thing to say. But if you're just like, you're stupid. The things you do are dumb. Fuck you. Kill yourself. I'm like, what is this? Yeah, I don't always. I showed up to a show, and I was getting berated. I don't always get it. It's like the Flying Sandoz brothers when they throw the code. It's a little unusual. I came to see a show, and I'm getting mocked and berated. I hate when comics try to fuck up a first date. Like, first date, they're like, whoa. What, are you going to suck his dick and eat him out? I'm like, help him out. Or how about this one? When are you guys getting married? The guy's like, I don't know. Oh, you don't know when to get married. You're going to fucking get raped and dumped. And you're like, don't ruin this guy's life. I hate that shit. Raped and dumped is funny. But what am I supposed to do? I just made fun of a guy's dead kid. Yeah, you're fucked. You're in trouble. I'm a bad person. You're going to hell in a handbag. The Asian lady's back in my garbage. God damn it. She doesn't even look like she needs garbage. She's got a nice purse and a face. Yeah, they want to find a, it's like storage wars. They're like, maybe this is the one that's got the gold bar in it. Well, if any house, this could be the one. I mean, you know, you could throw away an Emmy, for God's sake. Who are you talking to? I'm a hoarder and a whore. My wife, she'll throw anything out. I guess so. Hey, folks. Good communication is the key to running a successful business. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, the business communication system. Built so you never miss a call. Quo is the number one rated business phone system. The Quo app works on your phone or computer, wherever you are. Get calls, texts, voicemails, transcripts, and contact details all in one place. Keep your old number and add teammates in minutes. Communicate faster and deliver results. See yourself, see for yourself why more than 90,000 businesses rely on Quo. Wow. Money is on the line. And always say hello with Quo. Try Quo for free. Plus 20% off your first six months when you go to Quo.com slash Tuesdays. That's Q-U-O dot com slash Tuesdays. Quo.com slash Tuesdays. Quo. No missed calls. No missed customers. I love Quo. Quo and get it. Hey, folks. This episode is brought to you by Shopify. When you start a business, which I've done, it's very important to have a good team. Shopify. Is the MVP, the most valuable player. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses. They have easy-to-use tools to help your business grow all in one place. You ask Luis J. Gomez. He runs Body Brain Coffee. 100% Shopify. I use Shopify for merch. I use it for my shoes that I make. It's time to turn those what-ifs into with Shopify today. All you got to do is customize your brand. In Shopify and Design Studio, it's easy. Even I can do it. Luis J. Gomez can do it. Reach customers quickly with their marketing tools. Shopify can even help manage inventory and international shipping. Sign up for your $1 per month trial. A buck a month. That's nothing. Today at Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Go to Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. That's Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Back to the show. Sing it, sister. My wife, by the way. My wife. My wife. My wife. Hey, Borat's on Netflix. Oh, how fun. That's a hell of a picture. That'll hit number one. My wife has no sentimental value. When we moved from Astoria to New York, she made me cry. I don't cry very often. The first thing I ever got was this little painting. It's two little paintings. They're like three by three. And it's like a painting of a chair. And it says ghost. And then there's an empty chair. And then there's another one that says also a ghost. It's an empty, that's just pointing at an empty chair. It's clever. Oh, I see. There's a ghost here. There's also a ghost. There's also a ghost here. Anyway, I bought it when we were dating, 2011. And we're cleaning up. We're getting moving. And they're just in the trash. I was like, what the fuck is this? That's crazy. She's like, wow, I'm getting rid of stuff. And I'm like, that's like the first thing I ever bought you. It's a piece of art. I love it. I got emotional. I was like, you hate me. You hate my life. My wife's the same way. She enjoys throwing things out. I'm like, I'm nervous to have a kid with you. I mean, I like throwing things out, but not sentimental. Then the other day, I shouldn't even be saying this. This is so personal. But we were having. The baby, Alan, our therapist, wrote like, you guys are going to be great. Handwritten note. You guys are going to be great parents. And you'll just be wonderful. and love every minute, love Alan and Beverly. They were cleaning up, and Sarah just crumpled. I go, what the fuck are you doing, you little piece of shit? Crumpled. I go, what the hell is this? And she's like, well, it's old. And I'm like, that is the only thing we have. You don't take a photo with your therapist. No, you don't. I got no photo. I have a handwritten note. Yeah. That's funny. I got a handwritten note. It's like a fish. A handwritten fishnets. I got a handwritten note from my old therapist who changed my life. Yeah, Alan. No one else wrote a letter. When I was having a baby, no one's like, dearest son. Yeah, let me get my quill. The greatest gift. And I'm like, if I wasn't present, this thing would be in the trash can. Well, so you yanked it out of there. I go, what are you nuts? And now there's a big crease in it. Oh. And then she's like, well, we got shit everywhere. I'm like, well, come on. I'd rather you throw away my cash than throw away my handwritten note. I can get cash back. Cash back. No CODs. Yeah. Yes. So then she puts it like a shoebox and slides it out of the bed. I'm going to get it framed and matted. I like it. Half out of spite and half out of, you know, he's going to be dead by the time this podcast come out. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah. The no sentimental. That's cuckoo bananas. Women like to throw things out. They do. They really do. Anything. Like, my wife bought a treadmill two weeks later in the garbage. Wow. I was like, it didn't even fit in the garbage. It's a treadmill. Even my, maybe that's what the Asian lady's looking for. Even my mother. My mother's like the worst of all. Like, there is not, I think I said this the other day, maybe. I can't remember if it was to you. There is not a speckle of evidence that I was ever a boy living in her house. You can't find a photo or a report card, a letter, a crayon. There is just zero. I mean, there's not a single photo of me or my son. Yeah. I don't even think there's one in the basement, attic. My baseball cards are in the shed. They got those. Okay. But you can't find a homework assignment, a photo album. A shoe with bronze. No, forget about that. Nothing. Yeah. What is that? Because you go to some people's house. They're like, here's my first report card. Here's me and my parents on a ski trip. Here's the first time we went to Disneyland. I never went to Disneyland. Not only that, there's no story. She doesn't even go, oh my God, when Joe was six, he took a shit in a sock. He also did it when he was 30. He shit in a sock. He hung it on the tree. It was so funny. He wore my high heels. Right. Still does that. But yeah, you're right. Yeah. My parents are the same way. They have a photo of me on Fallon, but I gave it to them. Right. That was a weird gift. I was like, here's a gift. They were like, this isn't of us. It's a shitty gift. I told that story. The first time I did Fallon, I framed the Joe List card, the little flagger, and framed it mad. I gave it to her as a gift. Yeah. And it was literally tucked behind a chair when I came home. And my therapist's advice was like, take it back. That's good. They don't want it. I said, I'm going to take this home. Obviously, you don't want it. And she's like, no. No, no, no. We're sorry. And then she hung it in my bedroom that no one goes in. Wow. Yeah. Damn. At least you hung it up, I guess. But Jesus. After I did a, what do you call that? What's that called when you say, if you don't do this, I'm leaving? Oh, oh, oh. Ultimatum. Ultimatum. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. He's done Ultimatum. Wait, what did you say? Ultimatum California. Isn't that? I think I'm Palo Alto and Alameda. Oh, oh, oh. Alameda. It was a stretch. Yeah. Okay. Stretch Armstrong. Half Palo Alto, half Alameda. I don't know what the fuck. Yeah, Ultimatum. That's a tough one. Yeah. But you're like, all right, I guess I'll keep it. Because you felt like, you know, a guy wins an Oscar, he gives it to his mother or something like that. Something. I'm not winning an Oscar. All I got is a cardboard fucking piece of paper that says, your next comic is Joe List. Well, you know what's annoying about my mom? She doesn't take photos. Every photo in the house is something I put up or whatever. But she'll text me and go, hey, I missed the boys. Send me some pics. And I'm like, I have pics. Unlike you. I want to go send me some pics of me as a kid. Right. They don't have them. Well, in her defense, a little. It's a different apparatus. She can't just walk around with 40,000 photos under her arm. I guess you just want a person to go, thank God you take pics. Right. That's all I want is the acknowledgement. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. All right. So I don't know how we're doing on time, but I went to Jazz Fest. I can save that. I think you talked about Jazz Fest a little. Or you referenced it. Yeah, I don't think I referenced Talking Heads. Yeah, you're right. I did Mushroom. Nah, you're probably right. But great time. Huh? What happened after Chattanooga? Did you go somewhere else? No, I flew home. I had the weekend off. It was very lovely. I didn't see you at the Cellar. I was at the Cellar for the first time since 85. You know, I don't want to. Nah, I shouldn't say. I already got yelled at by Liz. She's scary. Yeah. I made a joke about Greta Thunberg getting passed. And she was like, shut the fuck up. What are you doing to me? Oh, jeez. Yeah, but I don't know. I'll tell you off air. OK. Well, I want to hear more. But yeah, I forget, because I haven't been to the Cellar since the 80s. And you know, we think about moving. It's a nightmare. But then, Saturday night, I'm at the Cellar. And I put in for early. And now they have so many shows. My spots are like 620, 720, 745. Oh, that's money. Home at 845. Old Peyton Ruddy was in town. Shout out, Peyton. Speaking of shout outs, evidently, he came up on Protect Our Parks. Or maybe it was the Ari episode. But how about that? This is classic comedy right here. Peyton Ruddy, hilarious guy. If you don't know him, you'll know him soon. He's moving here. He's excited. Very funny. He's just like Stavros. When I met Stavros, he was fat and had a shaved head, was 25, was like, I'm a big fan, and about to blow up. And that's exactly Peyton Ruddy. Yeah. He just needs to lose a tooth and go Greek. Absolutely. He looks like Uncle Fester. He really does. Spitting him. Adorable Fester. Yes, yes. He's Cousin Fester. He's big. So anyway, so I go and meet up with him. But he was telling me a story that I can't remember if it was you guys or Ari. I think it was Ari. His girlfriend was like, hey, you got a mention on the latest Joe Rogan. Ari Shafir said your name. And he's like, oh, wow. That's big. So he goes, he's like, when is, what's the time stamp? People go, oh, 4738. He goes, all right. Here I come. I'm on Rogan. And it's Ari goes, you know that kid Peyton Ruddy? And Joe Rogan goes, fat kid? And he's like, yeah. Yeah, he's fat. And he goes, yeah, he was asking me food advice for New York. And I said, you got to get a fresh slice of pizza. And it's funny to have a fat person ask food advice. And that's the end. They just move on to something else. That's a clip. And he's like this, well, what the fuck is that? Don't tell me that. Yeah, I got zinged on the biggest show of all time. They go, hey, they mentioned you. Is he fat? Yes, he's fat. Very fat. All right, let's move on. Yeah, cut and print. But anyways, I went and met him. I went up with him. But you go there, and it's fucking Saturday night, lines around the corner. And I don't get recognized a ton. But you go to the Village on a Saturday night. I'm like fucking Warren Beatty over there. Oh, you're Chalamet. It's crazy. And hot crowds went and saw. It was like Colin Quinn, Mike Babiglia, Nick Griffin. Wow. And who else? Aaron Jackson and Veronica Mosey. Oh, wow. Ray Allen, Jordan Carlo. It was just a fun group of people. Yeah. And then you go over to the table. It's Keith Robinson. Hey, big Keith. Colin, Dove. Everyone's just shitting on him. It's like 1998 over there. It was wonderful. And you see Esty. And she's great. She's sweet. I saw Liz. Liz is like just the coolest. Cool broad. Brassy broad. But yeah, there's a feeling. There's a vibe in the air. It feels like you're doing something. And I rode my bike there. I'm riding my bike to the cellar being like, what am I talking about? I'm not moving. What are you crazy? You're not going anywhere. The sun is shining. The wind is in your air. You can go anywhere. I can't ride a bike in Austin. They don't even have bikes. Oh, they got bikes everywhere. Big bike town. Maybe you're right. They got green belt Lance Armstrongs from there. He's the most famous biker in history. I haven't heard of him on a bike in 20 years. That's a good point. He's got one ball. I don't know. No one thinks the Austin idea is good. I told Stavros. And he fucking was like Yokozuna jumping off the rope and power splashing me. I'm Mr. Fuji. Get him. He was like, you're a piece of shit. You're a fucking idiot. That'll be the worst thing you ever did. You're going to be a right wing piece of shit. Which is so crazy. That I'm just going to go there and talk to Joe and be like, oh, yeah, good point. I've seen it happen a few times, actually. Yeah, I guess. Well, those are different kinds of people. But it's just, there's a stigma now with a place. You just want to move somewhere. You want to have a backyard. That's really what it comes down to. Everybody acts, because everybody has, Austin has this image now. It's a crazy sting because it had the opposite feeling before. Keep it weird, bitch. It was weird, liberal, Texas liberal hub. And now because of three guys, it's like this. This whole thing. I know, it's silly. And then people are like, the club's going to die. It's going to fall apart. And I'm like, it seems to be doing pretty well. It's sold out every night, God damn it. Literally every night. Yeah. And I don't know. I don't know what we're doing. But yeah. Well, let me just say this. We did protect our parks. Talk about Peyton Ruddy. For about two days, the entire internet was furious at us. For what? Well, I want to make a public apology. Because, you know, you're just smoking a cigar. I got six pounds of whiskey. I got six pounds of whiskey up my ass. I'm on a big pod. Shane's, you know, got a weird mustache. And you're wearing sunglasses. And I'm like, what's up with this guy? He's a fucking homo, huh? And they're like, who? I'm like, ah, you know, that guy. And you start going off. You just, what do you call it? Spouting off? Sure. I don't know. Spigoting off. Spigoting. So a photo comes up. I'm like, look at this fucking homo. And this is clavicular guy. You know clavicular? Caligula. Ah, that's it. Clavicle? No, who's Caligula here? He's Caligula. He's like a hot, sexy model guy. who's like telling guys how to be hotter. I got no idea. Yeah, it's not my cup of jizz, but I'm just calling him a homo because of his photo and other things that rhyme. And then he's like, he did a clap back. And he's like, who are these idiots? Why are they making fun of me? The kid's 20 years old. Clap back. No, clap back, I think. I just didn't expect you to use the terminology. Yeah, yeah. I got the clap. So, back. So, I'm like, yeah, what's up with this guy? And then he made a video and he's like, why are these guys trashing me? And we're just three idiots on a pod trashing this guy. Which one of you is not an idiot? Oh. Good point. Four idiots. Yeah. Five with Jamie. Jamo. Appreciate it. No, he's smart. Yeah, he's a good guy. He's so good. Very good. Didn't edit that up. But I want to apologize to this kid. I don't know who he is. I don't know anything about the guy. He's just trying to make a living. He's 20 years old. He's surrounded by blonde whores. He's living the dream. And I'm like, ah, fuck that guy. He sucks. So. I was reading all the mean comments back to me. And I'm like, he's right. I'm a bully. This is the problem with deleting social media. I missed it. I would have loved to see this 20-year-old homo bully you. Yeah, yeah. That sounds fun. He deserved every minute of it. And I feel bad. I was just spouting off, shooting from the hip, or whatever the hell they say. Seam of the pants, whatever. Yeah. And I'm sorry, kiddo. You're just trying to do your thing. And here I am, some old queef, bitching and moaning. Yeah. Well, that's nice of you. Yeah, I'm trying. And he made it worse. And he's clapping back. And he's not great at it. He's like, that guy's stupid. And then he's like, look at Ari. He's ugly. I was like, that was pretty good. I like this guy. And he's all looks conscious. So he said, she goes, Shane, he's got a surplus of calories. Which is the funniest thing of all time. Because that's how he talks. Because he's like, he weighs too much. He doesn't just say fat. So what's his thing? He's like a mental healthist. Is he a physical health guy? No, he's beauty. He's like male beauty. Like, you've got to be buff. You've got to have no body fat. You've got to have a good jaw. You've got to have cheekbones. And that's what I said. That's why I called him a homo. But I feel guilty. Because he's a sweet kid. He never attacked me. Why am I attacking him? Right. So I'm sorry, Clevee. Wow, you're changed. This is a new mark. Wow. You've got a couple thousand extra people to start working on here. Yeah, that's true. That's true. All right. Let me get up the list. But yeah. So I don't know. It's one thing you start shitting on Epstein. You're shitting on whatever, Rubio or some shit. But I'm shitting on a random 20-year-old who's just trying to make a living on Instagram. Well, that's good for you. Good of you. And we love you there, Clavicle. Yes. You're a good man. And I know you're going to win. There you go. You're going to be just fine. I've got to see this guy. Can you get a photo? Let me see him. I want to see him. He's gorgeous. Yeah, let me see Clavicle. He's an Adonis. His name is Clavicle? Clavicle. Clavicle. Clavicle. Cleveland. Clavicular. Clavicular. I don't know where that came from. That's right. He's hunks. He's a hunk. Let me see the hunk. I want to see a hunk. I think he's a hunk of shit. Fuck this guy. I've got to get some. Look at that guy. He's gorgeous. Age, 20 years old. 20. What am I doing? Sacred heart. He's okay. What? That guy. You don't look like that guy. Well, I'm not saying I wouldn't rather. Oh, look. Literally. It literally comes up. You do images. It's just- Clavicle. Clavicles. Yeah. Well, I'm sorry, collarbone. You're a good egg. You're a good man. You never shit on me, so I feel bad shitting on you. Let's see if he's in the news. Pent sack of illegal drugs that looks make- Oh, this is all clavicle shit. Oh, we're spending too much time on the boy here, but- Oh, looks maxing. I hear Sarah talk about this all the time. You've got to looks max. He said I was retard maxing. I was like, all right, that's something. Oh, he had an overdose scare on TMZ. Oh, it's probably because of me. Oh, boy. Jesus. Let's get that phone back. You fucked me last time. Lawsuit accuses looks max influencer on having non-consexual sex with teen. Wait a minute. Now I like him. I mean, what the heck? Oh, I didn't know about that. Shit. Random guy by ass. I don't want to cut that out because I'm already in deep with this twink. Well, he might be a criminal. That's true, but he might have been a teenager. Who the hell knows? I'm gay, but he's a cute twink, and he does very well with the ladies, and I'm taking it all back. All the other people I trashed have at it. Yeah, take it. Well, we love you, Kuliviki, and you seem like a good kid. You're a very handsome boy, and I'm sure you're going to do great out there. He's going to be just fine. What's crazy is I could be his granddad. Yeah, well, I don't have a granddad. You're 20 years older than him. Oh, yeah. His regular dad. There you go. 24 years older than him. Yeah, that's definitely a regular dad. Yeah, just dad. Also, we did a lot of Jew trashing because Ari's a foot away from you, so that mug. You've got to really hone in on it. Right. And I got a lot of Jewish people like, hey, you said this. We're going through a lot right now. Enough said that. I was like, I'm just trying to shit on Ari, but I'm sorry, so I had to apologize to Netanyahu and all the others. Oh, boy. But, yeah. These podcasts, man, they get you. It's three hours of open dialogue and drinking. Right. With dudes, which is nothing but inappropriate, off-color remarks. Well, this is the problem. Colin Quinn talked about it many times. He's like, we live in a time. We live in a time where you can get in trouble for saying anything, and then we record every single conversation we have. That's true. Anywho, we've got to wrap it up. I've got to go alleviate Sarah. Holy shit, she's got to be late. Thanks for being here. Go to punchuplive.com, the greatest website ever built by a man, and sign up for my email list. It keeps happening. People are like, when are you coming to the Bay Area? I'm like, I did six sold-out shows in San Francisco in February. Sing it, sister. March, April. It was two months ago. Ah. I heard you want to smoke. Spokane. Spokane. And then, of course, the UK is going on. I got governors. Whoa. I got, what the fuck else am I going to? I got a bunch of shows. I should look these up before. Give them a goog. Oh, fuck. Side splitters in Tampa, of course. That's something. Oh, Calgary. I'm coming to Calgary. I was supposed to be in Pittsburgh. They double booked me, which is a little offensive. Yeah. That's crazy. And Calgary, oh, fuck me. Just added that one. And Portland, Maine, of course. That's coming July 2nd and 3rd. Fill up that space. When does this come out? August? Who knows? May 18th. Oh, OK. May 18th. Oh, well, I'm in the UK. We got Dublin coming up. Dublin, Ireland. And this is a beautiful neighbor. I missed it. And yeah, that's it. I don't know. Go to punchuplive.com. Check out the Tom, Dustin doc. Also available on Punch-Up for $6, which is a fucking deal. And we all can't wait for the Skankfest documentary. Man, I'm watching the Hogan thinking about you. Oh, it's going to be insane. It's going to be just insane. I've just seen some clips, and the clips are bananas. So keep on going on that and get excited, folks. How about this text? Jason Cantor. Hey, is Doug Key in the Bob Dylan movie? Yes. Yeah. Big time. I mean, I know. This is a big key up. Key master. Hey, I'm in Philadelphia, Milwaukee. We added a show. Come on out. Let's sell that one out. Irvine, California. Bringing the baby out to the West Coast. I want to see his ass in the sunshine dropping in the Manhattan. Beach, water. Then we're going to Tempe, Arizona. Royal Oak, we added a show in Cleveland at Hilarity's. Spokane's over. Thanks for coming. Wait, when's Hilarity's? Like August. Oh, OK. Why? We're going to be there in June. Oh, July. July. We'll just miss you. All right. We'll see you in hell. And yeah, save your anecdotes and your memorabilia and buy some Bodega Cat. What do you got there, Chuck? D. And Larry. Oh, that's interesting. Check out my podcast. It's just a weird poll. Went to the back of the brain for that one. And yeah, we're doing a very special film project. We're still looking for backers. Sorry I say this every week, but every time I say it, more people reach out. Wow. I'm looking for backers, too. Come on, my backers. Yeah. So it's a fun project. And reach out to me at Discount Chuck on Instagram or Twitter. And I'll tell you all about it. I'll tell you all about it. Looking for backers, not actors. Oh. Just so you know. That's a T-shirt. All right. Well, that's it. Check out the Patreon. Bill Burr is on there. I hope. I haven't really confirmed with him. I should confirm. Please do. Yeah. Behind the scenes. Adam Ray, too. Adam Ray. Maybe Fahim. It's going to be nuts. Oh, yeah. I got a wee-wee. So we'll see you in La La Land. Praise Allah. See you in LA tomorrow. Oh, weird. We'll see you in LA tomorrow. Up in the heavens where legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die. Please believe.