#655 Fart In My Mouth and Call It a Love Story

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't just. Hey, folks, we're back. Good to be here in the old studio. Yeah. What is this, Lunch Stuff 2? 2, 3, 4, who knows how many kids Nick Cannon has. We've had a lot of studios, folks. I think we finally landed on the best studio. This is it, baby. We're here. We're queer, lock stock, and two smoking anals. We got pictures on the wall. We got a basket of water in the closet. We got a bathroom down the hall. The water's almost gone. They're down to one or two, I think, there. Gotta get some more water. But, well, I mean, the hard thing, the window's a little distracting. Sure, sure. And a little scary. Every once in a while, a package or a murderer or a rapist or whatever, that's all just Chuck. I threw a little panty up there. But, you know, we got the kid upstairs sometimes. You got a comfortable couch. You got a Starbucks nearby. Yes. Chuck can go down there. Chuck can go down there and get it for us. Please. We got the photos. We got the stuff. Oh, yeah. There you go. We got merchandise and memorabilia. We got our feet up. We got AIDS. Now, this is the best studio. What's the worst studio? I mean- I already know what it is. Oh, really? Yeah, you go. Well, let me go through. We had my old apartment. Well, we had stand-up New York. Stand-up New York. My old apartment. Midtown. Right? Is that it? Well, there was Sirius Radio for a minute. Oh, yeah. That was the worst. I don't even count that. That was the worst. That was like 15 episodes. And Black Lou, who's a sweet guy, he was there, though. But, you know, we can't have just a black guy in the room. No. We're trying to make jokes here. I mean, it was terrible. And he loved us and laughed. Sure. And he gets everything. Oh, yeah. He gets it. But you're still like, shit. And you look over. There's a guy like, ugh. I'm like, well, not you. I'm kidding. I know. I felt like Michael Richards in there. That was tough. And it was too sterile and studio-y. And it was somebody else's. That one stunk. Stunk. Stink, stank, stunk. Then we did my apartment for a minute, which was in my bedroom. Oh, yeah. We did like eight episodes in my bedroom. Right on that couch. Which was weird, because my wife was just on the other side of the door. And I'm like, you know, talking about how I want to have sex with Chuck's mom. And that was weird. And then my bedroom is there. So it was very couchy. And we did the basement. Your queen's basement. We did that a couple times. That was never home. That was at a studio. That was a substitute. Yes, yes. And then we had your. Two old apartments. Oh, we had Minetta Lane. Yeah. Minetta Lane was big. That was a long time. That's where Chuck fucking entered the scene. Oh, it's tainted. The biggest regret of our life. Yeah. And. All downhill from there. I can't look over there. You're like, Black Lou, I can't look. Yeah. I would like to. You know what I would like as a breakdown? Some autistic asshole, or an autistic nice guy, do the breakdown of episodes of how many in each. Oh, please. Spreadsheet. In my mind, Tuesdays was. I mean, fucking stand-up New York is still the most, but maybe it's not anymore? I think Midtown is the most. What do you mean, Midtown? I think 45th Street or whatever that was. Gramercy? What are you talking about? Grand Central. Grand Central. Oh! I forgot about that. I blacked out. Yeah. Yeah, we had the scary lawyer. We had the kitchenette. Wow! Remember, I didn't have a key card. I had to jump the turnstiles every day. I blacked that out. We were there for at least two years because we wanted to leave, and we missed the deadline to not sign our leave. We had to get our money's worth. That's right. We had shitty furniture. That might have been the worst, only because it was giving me horrible anxiety, and it was expensive. Literally, it was a hallway full of lawyers, like legit, in a suit, Jewish men who read, and we were just going, my cunt is bleeding! My cock is fat! Right, exactly. Yeah, the wall. The walls were thin. We could hear everything. A lot of old men in there. Remember, you'd walk down the hall, and it was like an old folks home that Cuomo hit, and then you had those two Puerto Rican broads right when you walked in, right behind the desk, and they'd go, hey, Joe, we heard about your labia piercing. They loved us. They listened. Oh, no, they were great. You constantly called them fat, like all the time. Who, him? No, both of you. No, more him than me, though. No problem. I didn't count. No, I never said fat. I don't say fat. I don't say fat. I never say fat. Have you heard about Rupert? Wow, he's fat. Oh, boy. Well, whatever. We love you, ladies. Fat like pH. Yeah. Shit is fat, dog. There you go. Like avocados. Absolutely. It's good fat. The good fat eggs and. Lizzo. Chuck. There you go. But anyways, I forgot about that, but I still feel like in my head we were at Stand Up New York for like five years, weren't we? Probably. Probably. That was the show of the years. We finally left there to go to your Minetta Lane apartment. I guess so, yeah. Which is where we shot the Wendy Lobel movie. Well, I think we got iced out because we had to do. Remember we did that back room that was big with all the records on the wall? Yeah, yeah. That's where we started. Then we moved it over to that little room. Yes. And then they were like, we're changing all this and canceling the podcast studio. No, we left them, I think. Oh, okay. Because we started doing it independent, didn't we? I guess we figured we'd save a buck by not having to rent, so we went over to MyPad. And then who was doing it? And then we just did it by ourselves. Oh, we sent it to Shelby. Yes. We mailed it to Shelby, then Chuck pushed him out aggressively. Very big push. Mm-hmm. But remember, we would just push record and hope we got it, and then I would send it to Shelby because we were trying to avoid him. Yeah, well, I can remember. No, he had wacky legs. He couldn't get up the steps. It was four steps. It was COVID. It was COVID. It was COVID, so you guys were just. Because when I showed up, you were filming it with a skateboarding camera by yourself. Microphones were fucked up. And Shelby was, what do you got, comorbidity or whatever? He had gonorrhea, he had scurvy, he had lupus. Well, he hated us. I thought he hated us, but it turns out he liked us, but he didn't have the face to prove it. He was like, this was him most of the time. Well, you got to get bigger lips. So that was tough. Yeah, yeah, that's true. And Chuck's. It's the opposite. Chuck's like deaf comedy jam over there. But. Sheesh. When did we. Wait, fart in my mouth and call it a love story. What. So we had Shelby, we just met. Oh, yeah, that's what I was going to say. I remember leaving your apartment in Minetta and just watching you with a disc and sliding it into the laptop. And as I left, I'd be like, oh, boy. Yeah, that's going nowhere. I didn't think this was. I mean, isn't it crazy? I think about this during Zoom, during COVID, that I would. I would record an episode and send it off. I know, all the time. And then you would take a file and put it in. Yes. I wouldn't trust you to upload and send a thing if my life depended on it or your. Whatever makes sense. You want me in charge of the Epstein files, because I'll lose it. I'll fuck it up. Like, if you were on the island, give it to him. He'll fuck it up. Uh-huh. So, yeah, those were tough times. I had to go to WeTransfer. Yeah. It was a nightmare. I think I'm still paying money. I'm paying money monthly to Zoom. I have a Zoom account, because I was running AA meetings and podcasts. I still pay money for Zoom. I haven't used it in 10 days. I never got the money version. Oh, yeah. I always had the money version. The nice thing about the non-money version is it ticks down. You're like, whoop, sorry, got to go. Oh, that's right. Phone calls up. That's right. You get out of it. What about ChatGB? You got the money? Do you pay for that? No, I got the free ChatGB. Okay. Some people do the upper tier, where you get free anal or whatever. That's how they get you. Well, anyways, we're in the lunch stuff. 7-7, and we're glad to be here. I'd like a breakdown. Can somebody break it down? Please. Because I still would bet Stand Up Labs is the most, but I might be fucking out of my tits. And can I say, and feel free to push back here, fellas, I think Moneta, that was our best work. Now we're cooking. Obviously, now is always the best, but Moneta was when we really leveled up, I think. Really? I don't know about leveled up. We had a catwalk. We went through. Yeah, the cat was big. I'm not saying career-wise. I'm saying when we were really humming. Yeah, I guess so. A lot of hum. I think Stand Up Labs, because Stand Up Labs, we were just firing off. Well, that's true. N-words and F-words, and you have fucking 300 fat girls that could move. Yes, Rupert. Yeah, I'm in that, and I think people love that time period. The Labs days was wild. Yeah, it was the Wild West out there. That was not pretty. I mean, to the point where most of the episodes, we release them, they're 12 minutes long. Because it was like, cut that, cut that, cut that, cut that. And it just felt like our mic cords were just not even plugged in anything. We were just wheeling and dealing. I don't think, because I remember thinking, nobody's going to hear this. Yeah. So you just let loose. And I had no jaw. I had no work. I was like, boy, I opened for Tommy John again. I made 11 bucks, and a fat girl sniffed my panties. Yeah. My father's gay. Right, right. The Schumer and the Louis C.K. of it all really saved us. And we were there. I met Springsteen and all the Louis. That was all at Stand Up Labs. Wow, is that right? Yeah, I remember sitting in the second Stand Up Labs studio telling you the Springsteen-Paul McCartney story, and you were crawling on the floor. And I know that because we didn't have cameras rolling. Oh! Like, I told you about hanging out with a Beatle and meeting Bruce Springsteen, and nobody filmed it. Oh! It's audio only. Wow. I mean, like, half of our episodes, there's no camera going. Ooh, man. Yeah. I remember we started filming at Stand Up New York, and I hated it because I was like, this is a radio show. It's not a video. I'm so retarded. Instagram, I was like, you're posting clips, you fucking idiots. Right. That sucks. I remember that. This is for sunsets. Podcast, I was like, nobody's watching a podcast. Nobody wants a sunset. I'm Costanza. You're flipping. I have every opposite I have is the reaction of whatever, Apollo 13. You wanted no ads. No ads. I was like, we're artists, man. We're selling out. I felt like we're artists. Now, I'll sell fucking, you know. Geez. Gaza tokens. Yeah. Cocaine to Charlie Sheen or whatever you say. Sure. Yeah. You killed Matthew Perry, I think. But anyways, all right. Let's get into it. Woo-wee! The gardener's going to come in and out, so just a heads up. He looks a little bit like Common. Oh, yeah. Like, he looks like, oh, maybe not Common. Who's the other? It doesn't matter. The other character, an American gangster. He looks like him. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. He's kind of got a Jimi Hendrix vibe. Mm-hmm. Okay, boy. I've been all over God's green earth here. Tell me about it, soul sister. Well, first off, I got to just give a shout-out to the big Gil, Gil-net, Shane. Oh, Shane Gillis. Because Shane Geary. So, we were, he texted me. I had an open weekend. Never have an open weekend. It was like, I felt like Seinfeld, where, you know, I'm even Steven. Oh, yeah. Throw a 20 out the window. Elaine! You know, you could have thrown a pencil out the window. I don't see if I got that back. That joke blew my mind when I was a kid. That was great. So, he goes, hey, what are you doing this weekend? I go, I got nothing. He goes, you want to open for me in Nashville and Charlotte? I went, I'll be there, fatty. Nice. So, you pop out to Nashville, Bridgestone Arena, sold out, tall, kitten caboodle, put you up in the Omni. I got off the flight. I got some, like, cool black guy driving. He's got a blunt in his mouth, a wife beater on, and dreads, and he goes, most expensive hotel in Nashville, huh? Wow. And I was like, I didn't book it. And he goes, that's what they all say. And I was like, hey, that's funny. Yeah, yeah. I've heard that. By the way, I've done that arena twice. Isn't that crazy? What? Once with Louie in 2016, and then I did that corporate gig, which is my biggest regret of Tuesdays with Stories. Yeah. That was when I met Scott Hamilton, and then the guy told Scott Hamilton to watch the episode, and Scott Hamilton watched us describe him, and it makes me want to kill myself. Oh, that's tough. Because we were like, hey, it's a big, crazy. It's a big, crazy homo. I love that horseshoe ball piece of shit. He can really backflip. And then some guy was like, you've got to watch these guys talking about you. And then one of my heroes watched us call him a queer and all this stuff. A bald homo. Yeah. Ooh. That's a bad combo. Sorry, Scotty. We love you. Scotty, you're a hell of an athlete. But anyway, so how was the show? Unbelievable. I mean, Nashville's just a great comedy town. It was, you know, Derek Poston. No. He hosts. He's an Austin guy. Cool, cool dude. Oh, I know Derek. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, of course. He's always at the mothership. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, he's great. So Shane's like, hey, we'll meet downstairs in the lobby at 645. And I go, great. I pop down at 644. Who do I see sitting in the lobby? One rattlesnake, Luis Gomez. Whoa. I know. I was like, what the hell are you doing here? And right when you see Luis, you're like, woo, we're getting crazy tonight. It's going to be hookers and cocaine, midgets and Puerto Ricans. Big, thick, brown dick. It's like a canister of cinnamon rolls, that cock. Yeah, I want to pop it. Put it in the oven. So I pop down. I see Luis. I go, I didn't know you were here. He's like, yeah, I was in town. And so Shane's let me do some time. And I go, hell yeah. So we get to the arena, and it's Derek goes up and hosts. He brings up Luis. Luis is great to open. First of all, it's Shane's crowd. So you know they're down. But the opening joke is rape. Second joke is N-word. Third joke is fact. He got everything out. Right. And you can see even the Shane. The Shane crowd, like, Jesus Christ, this is a little much. Slow down, fatty. So then you get to go up there, and you're fucking Brian Regan. Sure. And then Shane goes up. The place goes crazy. The new hour is fucking awesome. Then we just go. He's like, they got us a seat at Kid Rock's bar, like a roped-off area. And I was like, eh, all right. That's your boy, Kid Rock. I know. He's a queef. You're hanging out more with Kid Rock than I'm hanging out with my wife. I see her. Quite a bit, actually. All right, all right, all right. Chuck? Veeder. There we go. No, I see Chuck too much, too. Eh, good point. Veeder. We'll go Veeder. He's a kid. Yeah, that's true. So we go to Kid Rock's bar. He's not even there, but he's out philandering. But I was like, this sucks. It's loud. There's a guy playing Freebird. I don't give a shit about this. So we just go to a dive bar. The place is going crazy. Shane walks in. He's like a beetle. And we just drank the night away. I blacked out. Woke up my hotel. I had the thing where you wake up at like 8 AM because you've got a kid. So we got home at 5. You wake up at 8. And you want to kill yourself. And I texted the girl, the Shane assistant. I said, what time are we meeting in the lobby? She was like 11. And I was like, ah, 11. So I'm so hungover. I can't sleep. I go downstairs. I'm queasy. You know when you're hungover and you're walking crooked? Yeah. Because it feels better than standing up straight. Sure. So we get on the jet. And I go, I'm getting a Bloody Mary. And they're like, you sure you want to do that? You know, you drink it early. We've got a big show tonight. And I'm like, I'm getting a Bloody Mary. That's the only way to kill this. Nice weekend off. So I get the Bloody Mary. I'm on the flight. We're having a good time. I'm drinking the Bloody Mary. I guzzle that thing. It was a big pint glass. And right after I guzzle, I get the blah, blah, blah. I had a feeling that's where this was going. I was like, huh, that's weird. But I felt better because I got some vodka in me now. So I'm back at it. But I'm like, blah, blah, blah. All of a sudden, I start slowing, slowly like sliding. Down the seat. And I'm thinking in my head, I'm going to puke. This is it. It's happening. And I'm not a puker. I can't puke. I hate puking. I puke once a year maybe. Oh, boy. And I go, I can't be the guy who pukes on a jet. I just can't do it. Now, who's on the jet? Paint this picture for me real quick. Louis hit the brick. So it's just me, Derek, Shane, and his assistant. OK. Yeah. And everybody's having a great time except me. But I hate to be the wet blanket. Yeah. So I'm like slumped over. And Shane's like, you all right? And I'm like, I'm not. I'm not good. And I had to do the thing where the whole flight, it was the longest hour of my life, I'm just fighting back puke. I can feel it itching up right to the throat. And I'm sweating. And you get the mouth water. And you start visualizing yourself puking. And you can taste it. Yes. Taste it. My friend Ira used to say, you got to get mad at it. Get mad at it. He's like, don't let it get you. Yeah. I got mad at it. But I was just holding it down because I didn't want to be the puke guy. Uh-huh. I'll ruin it. You're right. I'm a jet. Everybody loves a jet. You don't want to ruin the jet. Well, it's a little embarrassing. Yes. I'm 42. Plus, you can hear it. Those jets are small. The doors are thin. Everybody's like, whoa. And Shane kept going, go to the bathroom. Go to the bathroom. I'm like, I don't want to because then it'll happen. Yeah, it's like amateur hour. Exactly. I'm a child. You're like, we had a couple bops, and you're throwing up? Get real. We went pretty hard. But yeah. So I'm like, oh, god. OK. Longest, however, I'm like in a pretzel. I've become the size of like a pillow. I've just rolled over. And finally, we land. We get in the black car. We go to the hotel. It takes forever. The whole thing. I'm in the back like sweating, trembling. I looked horrible. And we get to the hotel. You know what I hate? These hotels where the lobby's on the second floor. Oh, yeah. You know these? You run in. You go, get my ticket or my key. And then you go, oh, it's one up. Then you've got to hit the elevator. You're in there with six kids. Yes. You're hard. You finally get to the front desk. They give you the key. I run up, open the door, ran right to the bathroom. Puked my brains out. It was all beet red. Looked like a miscarriage from the 80s. Did you feel better after that, at least? No. That was the weird part. It was weird because you puke, and then you're back to just hung over. Now, what were you drinking? Did you mix it up? I think I did. Because sometimes when you mix, it gets ugly. I mixed and matched. Mixed kids. Mixed race. I did shots. Oh. That's where they get you. What are you, 13? I know. Shots. I'm gay. You're a middle-aged father, for God's sakes. Well, I think. I think that was part of it. I'm like, I'm out. I'm out of here, baby. It's like a jailbreak. No kid. No wife. Give me the shots. Give me the booze. Give me the blow. Give me the whole thing. Disgusting. Well, when's the last time you yacked? Well, I had the vestibular neuritis a couple weeks ago, and that was a bummer. And then I had fucking sick, crazy flu twice in like three weeks during the winter. So I've done a lot of puking. But before that, it's a long time. I mean, once I stopped drinking, I stopped puking. Totally. And then I had a kid, and the puking came back. Right. Now I'm puking every three weeks. Every three days. Yeah. I'm trying to do a bit about that. Kids, they're drunks. You know, you turn into a drunk, they're puking, they're shitting themselves, they're grabbing your wife's tits. Yeah, that's fun. It brings you back. It's like college. They're assaulting you. Yeah, yeah. It is. So yeah, well, then we have the show that night. You shower up, and you're in the shower doing the thing where you're like, come on, get it together. Enough's enough. What are you doing? I had that whole thing, like Leonardo DiCaprio in the trailer of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. What a scene. Great scene. You go do the show, and I'm slow. lumped over and there's all these athletes there it's a it's a gillis gig so you're out in in charlotte and it's like that's a guy's a hornet he's a panther he's a cougar she's a milf you know whatever it is you got mugsy bogues alonzo morning all these guys yeah morning wood and uh so i'm like are you gonna be able to go on i'm like i'll be able to go on they're like this is an arena it's sold out there's 20 000 people out there you can't even walk and i'm like i'll be fine so they call your name you waddle out there like uh like an old lady and then you get on stage and bam i'm in stage health stage health it's real oh it's real baby so then i get off and i just feel horrible again but uh shane's like hey look i hate to throw this out there but we're all going to the zach bryan concert wow you know this guy a little bit there's there's 17 zach and luke there's luke bryan zach bryan zach brown zach braff zach braff he's different brad wilson yeah man i haven't thought about compliment in a minute oh yeah he's a fun fun egg love compliment um but is there another one luke bryan zach bryan zach brown yeah i think there might be another luke luke bell luke combs luke combs yes brush but yeah yeah it's crazy so i think i know zach brown i know well the other ones i know of okay brian okay so i don't really know how to say it but i don't know how to say it but i don't know how to say it but i don't know how to say it but i don't know how to say it but i don't know how to say it okay brian okay so i don't really know how to say it but i don't really know how to say it but i don't know how to say it okay so i don't really know but i know the name yeah well i everything my body's like don't go just go home you're done but i say fuck it so once in a lifetime we go over there it's the panthers arena open air beautiful night 75 000 whores and cowboy boots and sundresses just singing along there's a plump little blonde man on stage wailing wow and he's got eight million trumpet guys he's got the slide guitar guy with a cowboy hat on this is beautiful music i didn't know one song they're all bangers wow well that's the thing about live music you see someone live you're like this is the best thing i've ever seen unbelievable i had a tear i was doing a hockey talk at the jig i'm a fan now wow all right so uh it was lunch and we get there and they go you know we're standing in the cool area the vip because we got you know who and one guy comes up with a headset and a jean shorts and he's like jane's like okay okay so then before i know it i look over they're walking shane on stage he's like i don't know how to say it but i don't know which song lawyers guns and money wow one of my all-time favorite tunes a great fucking song i love that song might make it my walkout music but uh it was a hoot you're like look at this guy he's up there and it's funny watching a comedian on stage with singers because they don't know what to do you know singers are like and shane's like right well i've seen him do comedy jam and it's funny yeah yeah and i you know i'd be like oh my god i don't know what to do i don't know what to do the same way i'm just like uh what do i do with my hands now that we're in the chorus that is so insane it's insane that he's playing multiple concerts because he was at fucking notre dame stadium singing a song a few months ago right so i told him he got back in the car i was like so tonight you played with your show and you play for 90 000 people about 95 000 that is really wild it's too much fame this is the problem i don't know how you get off that train because every offer is incredible like if you're like i'm gonna take a break i need a month off and then you get a call hey do you want to you know carry beyond chevy chase's shoulders during the hall of fame speech hey do you want to you know play for the mets for a day uh it's so hard to say no i mean do it you could say the i can't even say no to um you know the graveyard podcast in the bronx you know i'll do it but these are fun you don't want to say no to that i think he's like hell yeah i'm in i'm just saying eventually it becomes hard because you can't ever stop uh because every offer is like do you want to make a million dollars for this do you want to make three hundred thousand dollars for this do you want to be in this show do you want to be in this movie and if you go hey man i need two weeks to do nothing then they call you and go hey i know you need two weeks to do nothing but martin scorsese wants you to play the banker in his movie all right i'll take the two weeks next time yeah true true it's gotta be tough but it also helps no kid no wife he can just do whatever the hell he wants that's true uh but what a life and day and i was like he's like how you feel and i was like i'm good but uh you live in this amazing life and you let us get a get a window into it for a second yeah it's very exciting for us that's very cool because you leo i go back and i'm changing diapers i can't wait for boston oh you doing the uh td yeah i think we'll already be passed by the time this comes out when does this come out june something i don't know may 11 20 28 may 11th yeah i think that's over okay oh it just happened i guess i was with him last night there you go folks two stories brought to you by sheath i bet i'm wearing them right now sweaty ball season is here keep yourself comfy downtown with sheath sheath underwear is the best for so many reasons two pouches one for your dong one for your sack new seasonal colors and patterns in their classic material it's the piece of clothing you wear every day so give yourself an upgrade and feel the difference downstairs let's check it out come on this is a risk not wearing underwear all right that was my fault go to sheath underwear.com use two's gaze to get 20 off your first order plus sheath underwear's 100 money back guarantee that's sheath underwear.com promo code two's gaze with a g because he's a real fan the real deal get sheath underwear support the show support your balls we love you sheath hey hey folks your story's brought to you by blue chew we love the blue chew tell all the people you're banging and get ready for better sex all thanks to blue chew gold blue chew gold is a one-in-four tablet with a new formula designed to boost blood flow blood flow and arousal that means it gets you in the mood physically and mentally upstairs and downstairs we love blue chew you pop it in it's chewable it works fast it never fails this is the best i take vitamins i don't know if anything's happening i see no results it's all a wash blue chew you notice and it'll ruin a picnic no more waiting for a pill to kick in no more performance anxiety just results you want when you want them don't let your mind get in the way of a good time discover your options at blue chew.com we got a special deal for the tuesdays fans right now when you buy two months of blue chew gold you get the third month for free with promo code tuesdays that's promo code tuesdays visit blue chew.com for details and safety information thanks to blue chew for sponsoring the pod if blue chew works so well that can't be imagined what the hell gold is doing thank you so the funny thing is you do this and it was right for easter and i flew right out of there and went did i talk about easter yet i think you talked about oh never mind i'm on the wrong i'm on the wrong notes didn't you oh you're right i did you went to sandwich you flew flew back and went right into uh my house and all my cousins are here like my my wife's i guess cousin nephews nephews uh-huh wife's sister and her husband and their kids right nephew yeah i think so your wife's sister so kids are your nephews yeah okay yeah yeah yeah wait whoever you're not allowed to fuck they were here and uh yeah everybody oh yeah well legally yeah can you fuck your cousin legally yeah well what about nephew nephew no because they're underage well what i meant when you're married when you're married well sure like uh adultery or something like that isn't it like illegal that's illegal what is what is any of this so what is adultery then just mean it's just a bad thing to do it's unethical oh okay i think it was bad in the uh 1840s you know then it was illegal at what point did adultery become legal give that a goog i don't think it was ever i don't know i don't even know how illegal incest is i don't either that's why i'm asking an anal was illegal till like the 90s i got a bit about that so hold on was adultery ever illegal uh okay purity laws or something like that yes adultery has been illegal at various times and places in some places it's technically still is how about that in medieval europe laws influenced by the catholic church ancient civilization in early american colonies such as massachusetts adultery could be punishable by death that's gotta be a fun day when they repeal that law hey adultery is legal now it's like prohibition in here oh so it's a civil issue adultery has mostly shifted from being a crime to being a civil issue like grounds for divorce handful of states still have adultery laws in the books including new york careful where it is technically a misdemeanor okay a misdemeanor misdemeanor yeah that was her name you don't misdemeanor she's good that said these laws are almost never enforced today and are widely considered it's like stealing from hudson news i think oh great courts have increasingly viewed private consensual behavior as protecting their privacy rights especially after cases like lawrence versus texas boy what did lawrence do in texas uh elsewhere in the world blah blah blah alter a bottom line adultery used to be widely criminalized but most modern western societies it's no longer treated as a criminal offense even if old laws technically remain today it's far more likely to mass matter in divorce court than criminal court if you want i can tell you specifically what the current law is in your state and whether anyone's actually been charged recently micro machines yeah incest is illegal in new york and can be prosecuted as a felony that's not fair this is america so i can't fuck my wife because we're related we're married by law uh all right So you come here, the nieces and nephews, they're running around, you're hungover, you're gay. Yeah, well, it's just one of those culture shocks where you're like, Woo, private jet, four-seas hotel, hey, arena, hey, Zach Bryant's blowing me. And then, uh-oh, change his diaper, I got a monster truck on my face, and, you know, shit in my pants. Yeah. Well, that's the way it goes, I guess. I guess so. But it's fun. It's funny. I'm good with kids. I can just get down there and start playing. And then the adults are like, how you been? I'm like, ugh. Yeah, that's the great thing about kids. You don't have to deal with any of that bullshit. Yeah, yeah. So get this. So her sister and the husband, they're like nice, upstanding citizens. They do things. They read. You know, they have jobs. And they're like, we got our kids tickets to Aladdin. Ah. The Broadway show Aladdin. I didn't even know there was a Broadway show Aladdin. I didn't either. So I go, okay, great. We're on the subway with the kids, and somebody goes, uh. To me. Two days of stories. Guys listen to it. Oh! On the subway. Oh, random guy. So the kids, they're five and six or seven and four or whatever. The kids are like, what was that? And I was like, listen to my podcast. And they're like, what? They couldn't wrap their head around it. It's a wild thing when you're out. Because I have Derek's kids would be out every once in a while. So I'd be like, hey, Joe Liz, my father's gay. All right, can I get a photo? Yes. And trying to explain. Can you explain celebrity to an eight-year-old is very hard. But it helps getting in their pants. But it's very tricky, because they're like, what is this? And then their mother's trying to explain, everyone knows your uncle. Yeah, yeah. And that's going to be weird with a kid. I know. Eventually, your child is like, what's going on here? Exactly, exactly. And then you think about fucking Hulk Hogan's kids. Like real celebrities. Not, you know what I mean? Not assholes. But like Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan has a child. Mainstream celeb. How do they live? They're just walking around. It's like. Yeah. I wonder if we're like Rogan's kids. We were like, fuck your dad. You know, like, that's got to be weird. They're just on a playground. Well, how about Louie? I mean. Louie's kids. That's crazy. Oh, my lord. When that whole thing went down. That's horrible. Poor ladies. Yeah, poor girls. It's like, it's like he had done the joke. He's like, Barack Obama knows my sexual kids. I know. Great joke. That's funky. Yeah. So, we're on the train. And then they're blown away. We go. We get to Aladdin too early. So, I go to the M&M stores right over here. Kids, M&M. Here we go. Can't miss. So, I bring them to the M&M store. We're walking around. You ever been in there? I don't think so. It's a real racket. These Hershey cunts are really robbing people blind. You know, each M&M. Is that Hershey? Mars? Mars. Yeah, Mars. Sorry. Mars Norman. So, what was the Metallica guy? Lars Ehrlich. I couldn't. Still there. I'm trying to pull a Mars Ehrlich. So, we go to the M&M store. And this kid comes up with glasses. And he goes, big fan. Any M&M you want, it's on me. There's a whole wall of, it's all pipes. There's a wall of like tubes. Clear tubes. Oh, I remember the tubes. Yeah. Give me the brown. Give me four black, two yellow, six Asian. And there's all these wacky flavors. There's peanut butter and jelly. There's, you know, cocaine. Cum. You name it. You name it. And so, I get, the kids are going like, what is this? Who are you? Are you the mayor? And I go, you didn't write up the mayor. I'm Batman. So, I go, give me 13 licorice, 14 PB&J, and nine beef jerkies. And they go, whoop, whoop, whoop. And the kids just open their mouths. The M&M's are falling in. I was a hero. That's great. Great job. Let me ask you this. What's going on across the street over at Caroline's? Is anything there? Ah, yeah. Because we used to live, we were fucking camped out right there. It's thriving. There's a Chinese restaurant there. There's a bar now, and something else, a ping pong joint. I know I talk about this every two episodes, but it's crazy the times in your life, and we touched on this earlier with the podcast. Yeah. Those places. I walked by that M&M store twice a night, every night, for five straight years. Unbelievable. I was every, I got off the train, and there it was, just staring at me, the tubes in the window, the big yellow M&M, and now I have not set foot there since 1988. Yeah. Did you ever set foot in the M&M? I never went in, but I was watching. I was walking by it all the time. Yeah, same. I just never was drawn in there. No, we weren't allowed in there. Without a kid, I don't think you can go in, but. So here's the clinker. We got out of the M&M store. The kids are all jacked up. They look like they're beating ass. They got brown around their lips. We go to Aladdin. It's in a beautiful theater. There's kids everywhere. We get these nice seats right on the balcony. My brother-in-law, is that what I call him? I think so. Yeah, brother-in-law. He bought the tickets. He spent a fortune. Nice enough to get me one. And we're all sitting there. Curtain goes up. Prince Ali. The genie's amazing. The girls are dancing. And it's a lamp and all this stuff. But six minutes in, the kids are like, this sucks. And I'm like, we got backflips. We got Agrabah. We got Aladdin. One jump over the dick cheese. Two steps into my ass. They're working. These guys are sweating out there. You ain't never had a. You know, some black guy's a genie. He's doing. Fucking cartwheels and shit. Nobody cares. Yeah, it's tough. These kids have an iPad. They got a virtual reality, Fortnite, Minesweeper, you name it. Yeah, they don't know. They don't know what's good for them. How do they do it? Is the genie just a man walking with two feet? Yeah, he's a big, giant, bald, black guy. Weird. But he was charming. The genie's supposed to be like a spirit-y homo. Does he paint his face blue? No, he's wearing blue clothes. The genie's just a black guy. He's just a black guy. I called the cops. I mean, it was out of control, but he was good. He was really talented and funny, and he could dance like a fucking asshole. Well, I know that. Yeah, he could rap and play basketball. He could slam dunk. Yeah, yeah. Triple jump. You name it. Yeah, so. Shot put. So I look at his two kids. One is just like doing this shit where, you know, when you're so bored, you're like losing control. And I look to my right, and the other kid is like this. He's out. He's got. That's not bad. Sugar all over him, yeah. Sleep is nice, because then you can at least enjoy the show. Sure. Yeah, I hated it, though. It's for kids. And then, so everybody hates it, but eventually the dad goes, you want us to get out of here? And I was like, yes. So we all leave, and we left, and the bellhop, or what do you call the guy at the bottom? No, the, uh, the, uh. The page? No, no, don't. Usher! Usher! There we go. Good singer. Fuck Bieber. So we got, the usher goes, where are you guys going? And we're like, where are you going? We're out, we're done. He's like, show's 16 minutes in. And we're like, yeah, we gotta go. And he's like, okay. He didn't, he was blown away. He's like, all right, good luck, douche. Well, I'm reminded of a couple things. I mean, I had this, you remember the story when I went to the Dublin Comedy Festival, and the guy that runs the festival got me Ed Sheeran, private Ed Sheeran tickets. Oh, yes. It was the same deal. I was like, I was, you know, uh, jet lagged. Right. It was like 12 minutes in, and this guy's the biggest singer in the world. And I was like. And I opened the door, like, the guy's like, are you sure you want to leave? There's no re-entry. And the sun was still out. It was like 705P. Yeah. And I was like, no, no, I get it. He's got red hair. He sings, whatever. Sure. Serenades. People like him. But what's hard is, and I've told this story before, too. I remember being at, it's the saddest thing when I want to cry. If I have to cry in a movie, I think of this. I'm at Safeco Field, the Seattle Mariners baseball stadium. This man went to a Pearl Jam show, and he brought his young son. He was like six. And the guy had the poster. These people collect posters. They have the big poster tube, like a strap, like a backpack. So he got there early enough to get the poster. He obviously collects the posters. Like a pool cue. He's bringing his son, and his son was sitting in the seat like this. As they come out, and they're playing the first song, he's like, I hate this. Oh, man. And the dad was like, come on. It just started. And finally, they were like, all right, let's go. And it just pained me that this man was like, I'm going to take my son to this thing. Yeah. And then he just left. He didn't even know. He didn't even get to see the show. Oh, that's kids. That's kids for you. Seinfeld always talk about he's obsessed with cars. And he tried to get his kid into cars. And the kid's like, I fucking hate cars. Right. You like what you like. Yeah. Gays. They like dick. Mm-hmm. So we get out of there. And now we got the whole day. It's fun. And you know what's cool about these guys visiting? They live in Needham? Yeah, Needham. Needham, which is a cute town. It's clean. It's safe. But they come here, and they're like, wow. Look at the buildings. Look at the cars. Look at the Broadway. Look at the lights. And it's fun to be in New York with people who appreciate it. We're like, oh, look at this hobo. Chuck's here. This guy's on heroin. What am I doing? The taxes, the traffic. They love it. Well, I've said it before. It's always a great reminder when you see tourists taking photos. Yes. They're like taking a photo of a street sign. It's like 51st Street. And it reminds you, like, oh, wow. This is a special place. Oh, yeah. In the village, it would always be Gay Street. And they were like, Gay Street. Ah! Meanwhile. I laugh at it. I get it, you know, canceled. Right. So whatever. So we had a great time. The kids are great. Fun, fun. At one point, they were like, can you go out and get diapers at Target? And I was like, yeah, sure. I went and got diapers. I came back with, like, 70 toys. Because I'm at Target. I'm like, these toys are all 11 cents. They're made by a Chinese boy. I'm coming in, and I just walk in with the fucking diapers. And I'm like, here you go. And I just drop monster trucks, Legos, dildos, all this shit. And they're like, what the fuck? You know, all the moms are like, what are you doing? And I was like, oh, I thought it'd be fun They're like, yeah, you're spoiling them Oh, they're kind of spucking off What do I care? You're the front row at the Aladdin Yeah Or the Aladdin It's an Aladdin theater They should put Aladdin at the Aladdin Is that right? There's a theater, the Aladdin theater I think that's in Portland Is it? There's one in Portland, Oregon Maybe there's a bunch of them, like those theaters, you know Paramount? Fox Fox Yes Isn't there an Aladdin in New York? Am I crazy? Or maybe I'm just used to I've never seen the Aladdin The Aladdin theater I love ChatGBT, it's really wonderful It's very good I just read it The Aladdin theater, Farmingdale, New York I've never heard of it What the fuck is that? If you're talking about the Aladdin theater around You're probably thinking of the Broadway show Okay, been there This Done that I can't think Oh yeah, the Aladdin theater, right here Forty seconds Oh no wait, that's Aladdin the musical I'm retarded Okay Where is the Aladdin theater? Where's the Aladdin theater then? Oh, Portland, Oregon You got it Hey We've played there There's a completely different venue called the Aladdin theater I think that's why it's in my head Yes, Bridgetown You're saying it Yeah So how about this? And then I'll roll it on over Roll it on over So, you know, the kids are like Hey, we're going to do this tomorrow We're going to that tomorrow You want to go? And I said I can I got a pod Guess who we had on the pod? The other pod It's got to be related to the kids No, no, no kids Because the kids didn't care I was like, I'm interviewing this guy And they were like, who? And I had to show them And they were like, oh yeah, maybe They know Mr. Beast and their priest Michael J. Fox William H. Macy Oh, you mentioned that Yes, yes Wow Very exciting That's exciting How was he? Well, I got to tell you He's 77 What? Maybe get a goog on that No way 76, 78, 75 If he's 77 I'm going to run headfirst out this window Hines, 57 Give it a goog I'm telling you, this guy is old That's crazy He's got to be 66 if he's a foot 72 67 76 Thank you What? I'm telling you, Fanny That's crazy He's an old bag He looks like a catcher's mitt 76? He's up there He's an old crow He's Biden's friend Wow He must have broke late I mean, 96 is a lot of money It's 30 years ago Yeah So he's 46 in Fargo That's true Well, I gave his IMDB a goog And it says Wow Active since 78 I am going to take a gun And shoot both my tits off And eat them for breakfast And blow a bubble And float up to the moon And suck my own dick That's crazy That's a hell of an itinerary But yeah, he's old, Jerry Wow So what the fuck What is Nicholson? 106? Oh, he's one foot in the grave I think he just turned 89 Yeah Yikes Which I guess is 12 years older They just feel like such different generations That's true Because Macy, you don't really know of Until Fargo Fargo, yeah Basically I mean, he's in What's the great You know who Mystery Men? No, no What's the games? House of Games he's in Yes, yes, yes And he's in the Woody Allen But Radio Days Radio Days, yeah Which is like his first movie I think he's barely in it He's also the principal In Mr. Holland's Opus Oh, that's right That's right He's got the flat head And the glasses But it's weird how people Break at different times Because Fargo was when he became like Holy shit This movie's huge It's amazing He stole it He's the main guy And that's 96 That's a full 27 years after Nicholson Who is 12 years older But still Right, right Well, Nicholson, you think Chinatown Five Easy Pieces Cuckoo But Hanks is younger Than William H. Macy? Yeah That's fucking crazy Really? Really? It's a given Bosom Buddies? Yeah Bosom Buddies is 15 years Before anyone ever heard Of William H. Macy Wouldn't that make you think Hanks feels older? Yeah, but Hanks I feel like Started young I know That's what I'm saying It's just like When you make it At different times You just think of the people Right, I gotcha Being that age Like I feel like William H. Macy Is 90s years old Got it And Tom Hanks Is 80s years old I get it So it's flip through Yes Because one guy broke big It's kind of like Bob Seger Was like He didn't have like Big hits to He was like 40 years old This guy He's like 110 years old He's up there It's crazy I'm blown, Jerry Blown But I gotta tell you I would have bet $350,000 That William H. Macy Was in his 60s Polly market Well, I wouldn't have bet you After you interviewed him I would have been like This is suspicious That's a good point You just talk to the guy Well, he comes in And I'm nervous Because, you know We have a Fucking Ari On the show You know So William H. comes in This is Hollywood royalty Boogie Nights 71 That's true That's true So he comes in And you're like Oh my God There he is Boogie Nights Fargo All this shit Good Lord He looks great And he comes in He's wearing khaki pants A khaki jacket And a shirt A blue shirt He looks great His hair is slicked back I'm like Oh my God That's William H. Macy This is so wacky He feels he doesn't belong What's he doing there? He's selling a hooch He's got a liquor now We got liquor We might be drunk This is crazy I know The whole time I'm like You know when you're banging A hot chick back in the day And you're like What are you doing on my dick? I know It makes no sense This is wild I mean, I don't know That analogy perfectly But, I mean This is just like It doesn't make any sense to me This is like It doesn't work It's out of whack Okay, so dude Take me through Well, I gotta tell you He comes in And he's royalty He's old And he's established And we're lucky to have him So he is And I don't want to besmirch this But he is low-key Oh, it is a low dad No, no Low-key Low-energy Soft-spoken Well, he's fucking 96 I know But, you know We're on a show We're on mics There's eight cameras on the man You'd think he'd perk up I know He comes in And I'm like Hey, Billy And he goes Hello And I'm like It was a very MPR And I was like Well, what do you What do you think of Boogie Nights, huh? And he was like Paul Thomas Anderson Is a fabulous writer And an amazing director And I go Oh, yeah How about those tits On Heather Graham And he goes She's a lovely lady And I'm like Oh, my God It was an hour and a half of that Wow I mean, I gotta watch this You gotta watch This is wild I'm just so blown away But these actors They're a funny group of queefs Yeah, yeah He's a thespian He's an artist And eventually The only time I got Some juice out of him Was I bought him a book Was I brought up All the Like the Marvel movies And everything He's like People today They need an explosion Every two seconds Or they can't enjoy it It's actually quite Quite troubling Quite disturbing Wow You know, dialogue And character development That's what it's all about That was about the height Of his How animated he got And then the only other time Was I brought up AI I was like What about AI? Is that gonna change movies? And he goes He fucking hates AI And then I said You ever watch AI porn? And he goes No And that was it So We We did an hour and a half And you kind of try to Match his energy Yeah But we're so used to Cutting up And Saying slurs And farting That It was It was a different vibe So check it out folks That's amazing I gotta give that a sniff Because I mean Fargo Is the movie I've watched More than most movies ever I mean I just I love him He's so good in that fucking movie Well He's amazingly funny Salacuse goes I can't be there You gotta ask him one question for me And I was like Alright what do you got? And he goes Did Mr. Tanahaki Get a room in the hotel? In Fargo In Fargo Remember they meet the Asian guy? Yeah of course And he's trying to Kind of flirt with Francis McDormand Yeah Salacuse wanted to know If he had a room In the hotel And I'm like I don't even get it I don't know if he Yeah I don't know if he has a room And he's like Well did he think he would fuck her? And I'm like I guess He was trying to And he's like Well you think he did it? Do you think he had a room? I'm like I don't know He's like Just promise you Ask William H. Macy If he had a room And I'm like This can't be the right question I swear to God And I go I don't want to ask him that That's no good And he was like Just ask him What difference does it make If he was gonna get the room Or if he already had the room That's what I said He was trying to fuck her He didn't get to fuck her He's like He'll laugh He'll laugh He'll think it's funny And I'm like I don't even get it He's not even in that scene I know So of course As trying to be a good friend We're six minutes in I go You think Mr. Tanahaki Had a room? And he goes I don't know And that was it It was brutal So you went ahead And married old Norm Son of a Gunderson I mean I liked you so much That guy's great You should get him on the show He's good He's not good He's funny looking Oh just a general sort of way Yeah That movie's a masterpiece I love it I watch it three times a year He was born for that role I mean he is that guy Yeah Supposedly he begged for the role And said I gotta have it And all this good stuff Yeah Cause that was He wasn't really Popping back then Right No No pop No pop Then you got William H I mean Boogie Nights Blew up So yeah He's got quite a res No He's amazing He's in some of the best movies Of all time Yeah And he's 76 That's fucking Makes me feel like A million years old But Fargo's 30 years ago Yeah Well I gotta tell you I just got back from Jazz Fest You see all your old friends From back in the day And you know So Six of them are on a walker Four have adult children And three are on Like blood pressure pills Well the people that are really Drinking and smoking. I think drinking is worse than smoking. It will fucking age you hard. I mean, you see some of these people, they look like hell, just hell on earth. Um, what was I just about to say? Oh, that's the other thing. Toy story. I'm watching toy story every single day. You love toy story. 31 years old. What? Think about that. And I know everyone does this with the analogy, but this is like when I was a boy, if I was just watching on the waterfront every day, it's crazy. 31, 31 years old or older than that, I guess singing in the rain or something or high noon. Right. It's just like my son is just watching a 31 year old film. Yeah. Very well done. And it looks great still. Oh my God. It's a fucking masterpiece. All three of those movies are just absolute masterpieces. Yeah. To infinity. Thank you. Um, so yeah, I, I, I, I gotta turn it over. I'm, I'm hogging. Oh yeah. Well, I got nine minutes to sum up my last three weeks. Thank you. Uh, well, how about, well, how about this? First of all, I mean, I don't even know where to start with all this nonsense, but last week, two weeks ago, last time we recorded, I didn't even text you guys this cause I was, I was doing other stuff, but I left here. Leave your home. I jumped on the four or five train four or five. I don't know which one they're interchangeable. The green line four or five get on over here at, uh, Atlantic Barclays center. Take the train three stops to my house. Get off at wall street. I get off. I make a phone call talking to my buddy boy. Hey, it's a good little boop. Scoop up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up. Somebody sends me an Instagram going, Hey, everything good down there. A man was stabbed during a robbery on the four train at 2 14 PM. I looked at my call log. I made my call at two Oh six, the next train behind me at my home. Oh my Lord. Like one, one train after me. So if I had stayed here, lingered, said hello to the baby, listen to Chuck's horse shit. You know what I mean? Wash my feet. I'm only kidding. I love your shit. What'd the guy look? Did he look like you? Was he glasses and beard? No photo, but it was a robbery gone wrong. Shift 2 15 PM on my train at my stop. Right after I got off the train is cuckoo banana. I mean, life is twists and turns and ups and downs, but I'll tell you this one car away. It said robbery gone wrong, but if it were me, robbery wouldn't go wrong. I'd be like, here's my wallet. Here's my debit card. Here's my pin number. Take my phone. The nudes of my wife. I'd open that. Cause you got to look at it. Here's my nudes. Yeah. Baby's in the tub. There you go. It's porn hub. Whatever you need. Take it. Take my shoes. Take my cock. Take my wife, please. Karen's only fans. Hey, here's the login. The password. Yeah. I don't have that. Oh, I'll send you mine. Uh, no, that's okay. I got one. Um, so anyways, how crazy is that? Is kook. I mean, Jesus right here. Our train, Jerry. Yeah. Retard train. So we gotta, we gotta move out. That was wild. That is crazy. Well, that's one thing about living with 9 million people. It's easy to not get killed because the odds are in your favor. Odds are in your favor. It's close, but yeah, but they're also higher than they would be if I lived in, you know, Kansas dirty come Ohio. Yeah. Yeah. Good team there. Real sticky. Sticky bandits. Yes. How about that? Here's the big news in my life. We, we touched on it off air. Listen to this. I'm a new man. Oh, new man. I have zero social media on my telephone. Now what triggered? I am social media free. How'd you do it? Cause I've all, we've all, Hey, maybe you can go to my house in Des Moines and go off the grid and make my own butter, buddy. I'm out there and I'm loving it. And here's the thing. Well, I mean, it was just building and building and building. You don't want the thing, you know, you see this study and that study, my father's ass, but also, ah, you gotta be the change you want to see in the world. It's like everywhere I go, Sarah and I took the ferry the other day. It was weather's been beautiful here. We take the ferry. We'll take the ferry with the baby just up and then back. We don't even know where to go. I agree. And then, you know, I'm watching three European guys all like this on a ferry visiting another country. That'll do it. Skyline blue sky. I'm like, are you kidding? I wanted to punt their phones into the water. And they're watching bullshit where a guy tries a sandwich in a car. You know, it's not like they're reading, uh, of mice and men. And it's not even like my social media, my comments and stuff, which is going to be annoying or whatever, but you open it. It's New York times. AI will kill you in the next six months. Iran is going to fuck us in the ass. The economy is going to be destroyed. And now I go, what the fuck? Oh my God. Should I move? Should I go to this? And then you go to the comment section and it's like, Israel's a fucking genocide. No, Palestine's a bunch of rapists. No, Israel's rape. And you just go, our society is crumbling. It's tearing apart. We're all going to die. You take it off and you're just fucking walking around. Everyone's quite friendly. Yeah, it's so true. I mean the comments and not even my comments, like you said, those, Hey, you're gay. Hey, I can handle that. But it's just the constant, you know, do you see that? Uh, you didn't see the Casa. What's that guy's name? The strokes guy. Yeah. What about the guy from the strokes? Well, I say, I don't want to put this in your life cause you've already pulled out and I'm proud of you. But the guy from the strokes went on this crazy tirade about Palestine and the comments are like, never a strokes fan. I love you more now. Like it's, it's, it almost doubles down, you know, cause you're like, ah, I saw a crazy thing. But then you see all the comments and you're like, oh, I saw a crazy thing. And you're like, oh no, everyone, everyone is on board with this crazy thing. That's what makes it even worse. So you're like, this is all evil and you, you did the right thing now. Now did you have the withdrawal? No, no withdrawal. Here's the thing. So I'm still addicted to my phone. So now I'm just looking at my own photos. I'm looking at photos of my son. I do that. And I'm in my notes section more. I'm writing down ideas. I'm writing down thoughts and ideas. And the other thing I'm doing is I'm just texting people back, which I shouldn't say out loud. Cause Salicus, I just didn't text back yesterday. And I bumped into him that classic. He's like, Hey, how about breakfast? And I'm like, ah, I'll get to that later. And I just spaced. And then I go to the club and he's sitting there with his Hawaiian shirt and big mustache. And I'm like, ah, boy, I don't eat eggs anymore. I gave up pancakes. But, uh, you know, you're better at getting back to it. And then you're like, maybe I'll make a phone call. And so I don't miss it at all. When the shooting thing happened or the attempted shooty, I happened to be home that night. And so I just watched the news, classic news, and then just texted friends instead of just going through social media. Right. But you have it at, I'm at a red light. I'm looking at Instagram. I'm on the plane. I'm on the fucking whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Restaurant. You're looking at Instagram. I know. And there's so much mental, you know, you go, Oh, watch this video. Oh, let me see who liked the video. Let me read the comments about the video. It's just, it's locked. Twitter erased Facebook. I haven't been on in years and Instagram's gone and you have a laptop at home where I can go respond to Instagram messages. By the way, if your message would be on Instagram, I might not see it for days. You got a guy running it and then at home, I don't know how to use the laptop version. So it's not, it's harder to like scroll through. Agreed. And then you watch three videos and you're like, I don't give a shit about this. Now there was awesome stuff on Instagram that I miss. Like, you know, behind the scenes, but you can also just Google that shit. Sure. I have YouTube too, but I never got YouTube. I never, I just watched John boy and that's it. Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, it's pretty great. No, no. Do you, do you have to go home? Remember when Ari would go no phone and then he would just be at home? Like, like he would have to catch up. No, because you open it. I have like whatever, 12 messages. Most of them are just someone sent me some other posts. Right. Right. And I got it. I never watched those anyways. Like a stranger. I mean, I mean this respectfully, but like a stranger sends me a thing. Sure. Half of them are just saying, this looks like you. Yeah. And it's just the ugliest human being I've ever seen in my life. Like I've, that's like, that's like three quarters of my messages are like, Hey, look at this. Is that you? And it's just a guy with glasses. Right. It's like a bald man that weighs 104 pounds and is like, you know, is missing three teeth. He's like, it's you. I'm like, no, it's not. It's a video of a guy with no teeth. Oh shit. It's crazy. It's like, that doesn't look anything like me. You fucking idiot. I know. I know. And, uh, so that's that. And then no, you just, I mean, I'm, I'm watching hockey and I'm reading books. It's delightful. Wow. It's nice. Chris D said he did it years ago and he's like, I'm shocked at how little I miss. Well, it's funny because my algorithm was, I didn't, my algorithms, your algorithm becomes one thing anyway. So I already miss all these events, but Colin, you know, Colin from Punch Up. Yeah. Yeah. He does my Facebook. Yeah. So he sends me the top 20 topics every week and I was reading them. I'm like, I don't know what one of these is about. Whoa. Except for the shooting. I was, but everything else was like, what is this? What's that? I never heard of that. I don't know what this is. Wow. This is exciting. Good for you. Now, now I can't wait to see it a month and just be like, so what'd you think of, uh, this thing? And you're gonna be like, I don't know. But I already felt that way because when I was on Instagram, I'm just watching, you know, Martin Scorsese and Bruce Davidson, the photographer. I'm a photographer, so whatever. I don't know. It's pretty great. That is great. Good for you. Good on you. My wife has a thing called the brick. What's the brick? The brick is the thing you put by the front door. It's this little nub. And you tap your phone on it, beep, and it locks you out of Instagram, Twitter, and all this other shit. And so you just leave the house with all that's gone. So you have to just manage outside. And they can use GPS and Gmail, but all the social media is over. And then when you come home, hours later, hit the brick again, it turns it all back on. Oh, that's pretty good. Yeah. But is there ways around it? Because sometimes, I had the thing, the app limits before, and you could just be like, want to ignore this for the day? And I'm like, yeah. Oh, I don't have that. Yeah. Someone else didn't have that. But anyways, it's pretty great. Guy got stabbed. How about that? And how about this? This is the last thing. So Sarah's birthday was a couple weeks ago. Now, every year, Sarah's birthday is the 17th. That's the same weekend. And it's Patriots Day. Patriots Day in Boston is the third Monday of April. So it's always around the same time. So I feel bad. She doesn't care about the marathon. She doesn't care about New England. She doesn't care about me. She doesn't like baseball. Right. And it's cold and rainy. Right. So every year, we have this big tradition. We go up to Boston, spend the weekend. We celebrate New England and the marathon and the baseball. But it's her birthday. So you feel horrible. You're like, oh, sorry. We're going there. And I go, why don't you just not go to the game this year? You stay home with the baby. It'll be nice. It's cold. I'm gay. She goes, OK, great. But we're in Providence for the weekend. Providence Comedy Connection. Love it. Shout out. One of the best fucking rooms ever. Great town. Great city. That club just rocks. And for me, it feels like home. Yeah. It vibrates in there. I saw David Attell there 24 years ago. Isn't that crazy? It's around Toy Story time. So we go there. The show is, every show is off the hook, off the chain. I don't know what the difference is. Off the charts. Fucking awesome. So I decide, every year, Sarah's birthday, she's celebrating with my family, my friends. She's got to be up there. I'm going to bring up Katie Hannigan. Oh. I love Katie. You love Katie. Sarah's best buds with Katie. Good egg. So I reach out to old Hannigan pants. And I go, by any chance, are you off Friday night? She says, I am. Why? What's going on? I'm actually looking for spots. OK. And I go, all right. Well, I'm going to put you on a train, get you a hotel, and give you two spots. What do you think of that, old fussy britches? Woo! And she goes, I'm in. And I'm like, OK. Is she hosting? No, she's going to do guest spots. Damien, who had hosted for you the week before in Portland. The cop. Fireman. Fireman. Jesus Christ. Civil service. Yeah. He's a big, fat, ugly fireman. Yes, yes. And who's independently wealthy, by the way. He told me how much money he makes. Holy shit on a stick. Yeah. Not from comedy. Oh, God, no. OK. So anyways, he's a good man. He's a great guy. Great guy. I did a show in New Orleans. So he comes. He hosts. And Katie's going to do guest spots. So I go, OK, great. Keep this a secret. Keep a lid on it there, old silly tits. So she goes, OK, great. And now I'm going, I do it. I'm like, I'm a good husband. I'm the man. We're going to have a great hang. Sarah will have a buddy. Kate will have a buddy. It's going to be a great hang in that green room. Oh, yeah. So I go, OK. Let me book her a train and a hotel. Train. $390. It's like last minute. And you can't just put her on a fucking bus. So I go, OK. Well, what are you going to do? All right. Let me get her a hotel at the Marriott. And that's going to be easy. No big deal. $450. Ow! $1,000 round trip for this bitch. And you got to pay her for the spots. Yeah. And I go, what? What the hell? Jesus Christ. OK. All right. It's a $1,000 gift. I hope she brings it. It'll be a great surprise, though. It'll be crazy. She'll shit her pants. We're going to show up. Yeah. Katie will be in the lobby. Yeah. And it's going to be big. Good time. Hoot and a holler. So we're in Providence. My parents are watching the baby. We're going up. We're going back and forth from Whitman to Providence. Because we're trying to see the baby every day. But then, boopity-boop, skippity-bop. What's that drive? About 45 minutes. Maybe an hour. That's a snooze. Probably an hour with traffic. Whatever. So we go. It's Thursday night. We do the show. We drive back up to Whitman. Spend the day with the baby. Now my parents come down. We all go down. Yuckity-doo, dippity-dop. So it's now. She's coming up Friday. It's Thursday afternoon. Sarah and I are sitting in the hotel. I text Katie, hey, are we good for tomorrow? Which, of course she's good. I already booked her. It's all set. Oh, no. She's like, oh, yeah. We're good for tomorrow. Then. This is why I can't cheat. I go, boy, look at this video. My sister's watching the baby. Look at this video of Marty. And I show her. And it goes, boop. It's Katie. Is this a surprise? And Sarah goes, what's the Katie text? Oh. And I go, oh, fuck. So I try to lie. I can't lie, Jerry. Oh, you should have called me. I would have given you something. I know. I go, well, I sent her. My face is just a big rash. I go, I sent her a sketch. Uh-huh. And Sarah's like. Uh-huh. And I'm like, sketch. Which sketch? And I'm like, she's coming tomorrow. I can't lie. Oh, man. Because here's the thing. You're like Jim Carrey. I can't lie. Well, Katie and I, it's not crazy for us to text. We're friends. Sure, sure. But Sarah and I have been together for the last three full days. So like, why would I, what would I be texting Katie that I wasn't already talking about with Sarah? Yeah. Like, if I had sent her a sketch, I would have been like, oh, by the way, I sent her a sketch. We're working on this thing. But I didn't. I'm such a jackass. I should have gone to Do Not Disturb. Right. I'm literally texting the surprise woman while showing my wife a video. Oh, man. And she's like, oh, what's Katie texting you about? She's coming. And Sarah is such a, she's like retarded. She's like, I would never have thought that or guessed that. Yeah. So the whole surprise is out the window. But it doesn't matter because the surprise is two minutes anyways. That's true. So then it's actually fun because you can be like, well, Katie's coming tomorrow. I spent seven grand. I'm a piece of shit. Wow. What a good hub. What a good hub, though. That's a hell of a gift. And Katie's going to love it. And she's going to love it. Yeah, it was fun. And Katie gets to get out of the city. And by the way, she killed. She's fucking hilarious. She's very funny. And we had a great hang. Great time. And then Doug Key came down. Ah. And you forget what a great hang Doug Key is. He's low maintenance, easy, cool cat. Easy, fun. And then we shot a thing with her. I don't know if you saw it. He's giving her a massage. And that was hot. I'm off social media. Yeah. And that did really well. Well, that's the hard thing. You don't want to be Ari. But you want to, like, I'm like, how's it doing? Let me see the video. Right, right. Let me see the comments. Yeah, yeah. So that was the day I deleted Instagram. We had, like, this big post that did really well. So you're like, oh, god, you want those likes? Yeah. At least you went out with a bang. Yeah. Well, he banged her. And that was his birthday gift, her birthday gift. Yeah, better for her. Anyways, Doug's the man. He's great. Katie's great. Damien's great. Damien was there. I don't know if he was great. But we had a great hang. He's a fireman. No, no. He's a fireman. He's hilarious. He killed. It was just a great weekend. All sold out. Yes. And then you get that check. Arrgh. That'll defray the price of the wheelchair. Katie. Absolutely. Go home. We go to the ball game. We had a great time. My buddy Bart came out. And my whole family, 12 of us in the bleachers. Hell, yeah. Fantastic. We never miss a year. It was awesome. Wow. And, yeah, great times. What a time. Wait, how are we doing here? I don't want to. We're, like, way over time here. Oh, I missed it. Shit. Yeah, yeah. Oh, well, that's a good time. Yeah. Good hub. Good gift. And the wife was happy. Everything was great. Katie's great. Sarah's great. We had a big threesome. Doug fucked them both. Hell, yeah. Send me the video. Absolutely. I'll open that one. Social media. All right. Oh, Ari's show. Oh, the end. You got to watch the end. Go make the purchase. I know it's $30. It's very intimidating. Is that right? $30, but it's seven hours long. Whoa. Seven hours. That's like a. It's a Chappelle set. Explain it a little bit more so people know what it is. It's a storytelling show. It's Ari's old storytelling. This is not happening, except they can't use the name. So we called it The End, which I don't really care for. I don't know if I understand. Is it the end, like, of his career? Because I don't think it ever started. No, I think it's the end of. End of an era? I don't know. I don't get it. This is the end. Yeah, I don't get it, but. Oh, it's the end of the show. The show's over. I suppose so. This is the end of the storytelling. I see. I might still tell a story. No one will tell a story after this. So, anyways, it was crazy. I mean, Nate Bargatze's on there. I watched his game show, by the way. It's pretty fucking hilarious. I didn't know he had one. It's good fun. Wow. I want to be a contestant. Anyways, Nate Bargatze, Shane Gillis, Mark Norman, Joe List, Sarah Talamash, Dan Soder, Roy Wood, Jordan Jensen, Steph Tolove, Duncan Trussell, Tony Hinchcliffe, Steve Simone, The other guy. Colin Tyrell. Oh, Sadiq. Ali Sadiq and Miss Pat. It is Jim Brewer. I was there for that one. That was crazy. Whoa. It's fucking awesome. There's bonus materials. And I'm just going to come right up and say it. All the money is divvied up to the artist. So. Suck it, Shane. If you're thinking, oh, my God, another Netflix thing, this bullshit, this bullshit, you want to support us, support the artist, and have 30 hours of laughter. And Ari curated this shit. He fucking made it tight. Yes, yes. We shot it before he left for the hills of Machu Picchu. And he just ate months. Of editing and fine tuning Like he would call me We'd do like an hour and a half on the phone Over editing Yeah So he really tweaked the shit out of it It's handled with care And it's gonna be great And I already heard Colm Tyrell's story is a popular buzzing Oh really? Yeah I got no buzz But go check it out Watch that Buzz Lightyear And the Patreon As you know We just recorded With Bill Burr Oh! BB! Bill Burr! Netanyahu! Bill Burr Adam Ray Special guests It's in the can It was nuts We'll talk about it in a later episode A big piece of that's in the Patreon We shot behind the scenes of us That's on the Patreon We shot my sesh show behind the scenes Yes That's on the Patreon The Patreon It's new and improved Oh yeah We kicked it up a notch It's up two notches I would say Woo! And of course I'm off to the United Kingdom This weekend Wow Glasgow Glasgow Bristol London we added a show Dublin Damn! Top of the morning to you And Belfast So please Fucking A Hell yeah You're gonna love it out there That's good You're gonna be hitting your roots Bringing the whole family It's crazy Is that right? Hell yeah Hannigan? I wish So there you go Put that in your bed and blow me You're living And we're gonna do a Patreon right now So buckle up homos What do you got Choochie? You forgot your plugs Yeah Oh my shit I'm in Irvine, California Spokane It's always in Spokane Yeah Spokane It's crazy I'm moving to Spokane I got a house You're doing a residency in Spokane I'm telling you Milwaukee Tampa San Francisco Denver And the rest Buy some Bodega Cat William H. Macy Check it all out Soft Spoken Alright what do you got there? Chuckles Check out my podcast Fun Bearable But more importantly We're working on a very fun film project And if you're a person who wants to be involved With creative projects Check me out at At Discount Chuck And I'll tell you all about it If you want to become a backer And this is not for people who are actors To hit me up That's happened many times It's already filmed I was gonna do that Oh There's gonna be some backers for the post work But yeah At Discount Chuck Instagram and Twitter Alright You heard it Watch my special on Netflix as well And yeah We'll see you in hell folks Brains Out Lock Waving up Coveting I'm in the heavens Where legends cry Hopelessly watching the music die Please believe