#654 Rachel Profiling

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hitter in the face of the surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah this Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey not a nutty we're back the sun is shining it's 4 30 in the morning but we are cooking we're cooking and oh my god it's great we were the exact same outfits as last week that's nice oh we want to see another rotation set in yeah wow well we're gonna be doing a lot of traveling and we're here we're here where you go Starbucks yeah all right by the way we were discussing off air a few people reached out and they said what the fuck is this you send your truck for coffee by the way if you guys knew how much money we paid this gentleman it's wild amount of money and best paid producer in America a hundred percent you and Weinstein and half the time you got a replacement I pay them though I'm I pay them the same rate you pay me I'll say that you give them eight thousand a month I give in the same hourly rate you give me well so that's hurting you yes it is and you're still the riches yeah so we're paying you and then someone's like you made him get your coffee fucking four time then one guy went in and exclaims you've got this coffee 13 times which is wrong that's incorrect he said at least 13 at least he's still going through episode no we think he's talking about times you send it to get coffee in the office around the corner water I don't mind I'm gonna put it out there for the gaze I don't mind hey you hear that folks quit bitching but also even if it's 13 which I don't think I think it's less than that that's 50 episodes a year and you've worked it for six years which is 350 episodes let's say 13 which is a little liberal I can't do math but that's two a year yeah one percent I mean I don't even know he bootages a little liberal so yeah and you're probably happy to get outside right now it's 75 yeah we're stuck in this fucking cave like a like a soccer team in Thailand and I offered to get you coffee and a brownie and a donut and we're friends for fuck's that's what I tell me happy to go get you something they easy with friends they DM me and they're like Joe makes you get coffee doesn't that suck blah blah and I'm like he's my friend I'll get him a car and what else are you doing and you're an autonomous adult grown man you could say no thanks agency I don't like I'd rather not thank you yes like Louise victims and you're not even doing anything you press record for the fuck of love yeah you sit there and dinder I'm saying while we're here yeah obviously you do a lot outside you got to upload and take out the end words and all that you got right but that's a full-time job there during the show you're on your phone you're just jacking off over there I check I do check levels a lot especially since we had that one issue uh-levels so levels jury it's all times is what it is so anyways he's fine don't worry about it I appreciate the concern for the Tuesdays I'm happy to get coffee I got cash you fucking right you do we took a look at that when you went to the bathroom yeah this is all merch the bird maybe I know Luke Monash just came over my house he's like what is it because there's just cash spilling yeah see shirt and tell and I think I might be done with the merch I don't know if it's worth it hello well I'm out there selling the merch don't sell it that you pay a lady a couple of cool hundos and then you just sit back and collect well I'm doing the math and it's the sizes and I'm falling I'm tripping I get my fingers caught on the box wait how do you get even in order how do you know what we want you just go to shit uh-oh without getting coffee that's true he parks the car he fucks chicks and I go hey could you google this he goes oh like I'm asking him to figure out the Pythagorean theorem yes yes theorem Pythagorean what the hell's the theory Pythagorean theorem yeah what is it it's the something with a with a triangle oh is it yeah it's something big let's do the wings now that's Red Bull or or Maxi pants now that's funny or Paul McCartney in a bank oh that's right that's right and there's a TV show remember that with Tony Shalube I never watched it but everyone said it was great I'm a pretty good yeah and at a quite a rot tim daly and it was based in the Cape Cod airport no I thought it was mouth is vineyard hi-annas oh is that right why did I think it was the good I think it's good I think it's a hi-annas right and tuck it wasn't that tuck it why did I think it was one of the islands now the island would be too cool that would be like whoa the island that would be a whole different show to be able to learn Hawaiian shirts and there isn't airport in high-annice is the comedy club is right across the street the ira's comedy club ira proctor's old comedy club the comedy right across the street from the high-annice airport is that over the club has been gone for years but the airport I assume is the airport I fly in there all the time oh cuz sandwich yeah well the wife that's right because flying from Boston and getting to her house is a bitch it's easier to get from New York to Boston that is to get from Boston to Cape Cod right can you look up or brownie whatever you got but can you look up if the airport is in wings yeah wings look at the sitcom wings wikipedia Tony Chaloub that's a fascinate because yeah I spent a lot of time like not at that airport but like across the street literally the club was like the planes would come and go and I think that's where JFK junior was on his way to maybe that was the vineyard I think that was the been or maybe he was flying from high-annas to long I like I can't remember I don't know but JFK was a handsome guy alright show it said a fictional Tom Nevers Field Airport a small two airline airport in Nantucket Massachusetts you are right but it's fictional it's fictional but they use the actual town Nantucket the actual island yeah that's weird that's weird what a you could pitch anything back then and they would buy it yeah hey it's an airport in Nantucket whoa I like that it's a printed it says there is one on Nantucket though there is yeah that's how you get there it's great they must have just wanted to use that change of name I've talked about this with Nantucket if if money was no object if I had all I had Shane Gillis money or whoever money is Zucker dick Nantucket that would be my house I would have a vacation place in Nantucket never been now you put Nant over Vin absolutely what's the diff well Nantucket is a little more exclusive it's like like my vineyard is like like celebrities and stuff live there but Nantucket is like we don't even know how these people got their money little bit smaller but also it's mostly beach now there's great beaches but it's mostly like reservation reserve reservation like it's all oh Mike so what would he call that a reserve landmark such not a park a national park yeah reserve reserve I think that's you can't build here you can't do anything here this is just wild and it's bike pad and this beautiful downtown with cobblestone and it's small and it's fun oh boy because the vent has cool bars has cool restaurants yes but it is a little touristy yeah Nantucket is fucking great they're both great I mean you're not either place it's fun but how about these people grow up there like there's high schools there that is wackado my uncle's high school played Nantucket but that was on their schedule we all took the family took the ferry and they had a big brawl during the game it was crazy and then they showed up and one of the guys from Blue Hills high school whipped a beer bottle down it was like a big controversy and they never get to play again whoa Nantucket Whalers they were like a powerhouse football team is that right I think a division five powerhouse but a powerhouse nonetheless wow man don't you tell you know this is going to sound controversial hmm white guys used to be wild I think white guys are still pretty wild you think every time episode you're taking 10 green hulks and driving a unregistered car I'm trying to hold on to the the honky the the thrill ride honky plenty of wild whites what do you craze I think white are like where it hoods and marching with tiki torches that's wild yeah I'm talking like fun loving oh I'm not taking Dylan Root just shooting up a chart that's pretty wild as they're always going to be oh you're going to have the the Janie's January 6th yeah I mean a guy rubbing shit on the congressman's face is pretty well what what is that the walls whatever the walls January 6th they shouldn't just happen I'm talking about the wild dudes of fist fighting football play in beer guzzlin finger poppin drug Jason animals oh you're out of your mind you sound like an old boomer I am a boomer to be wild I'm telling you where are they white kids smoking crack and basements and rapin ladies it's got to be a promise you this wild white all right I feel like there's a they've been tamped I think it's a dip I will I will say this definitely a dip because I think they're looking at their phones and all that uh well and I think there's a general vibe of like hey shut up whitey come on yeah maybe you're right but it's got to be guys on a slip-in-slide I think if you went to like - And Ohio State football-- - Okay, okay. - The campus two days ago, and there is a beer pond table in the front yard. - Okay, good. - Of every frat house, I imagine maybe not as well. They might not be eating goldfish, but they're eating each other out, I think. - All right, and maybe it's the New York of it all. I got New York Brooklyn cleafs up my ass, so these guys ain't got a wild hair up their deads ass, even. - Well, and also you write about, like I think people are more influenced, they're more in their phones, they're more in the world of trying to make a thing, whereas, I think, we talked about this a long time ago, Ari's sister works at, I think University of Maryland, or she's like a professor, and she was saying like, there's no Toga parties anymore. There's no custom parties. - Thank you. - This is what I'm talking about. - It's all, I'm coming around, everything's problematic. - I think it's all activism. There's a lot more activism than there is partyism. - Yes. - There's a lot more like, hey, there's a Native American tribe, we gotta make a reign for them. And I think in the past, it was like, let's play Cowboys in Indians. - Yes, yes, let's do Toga, Blackface, Tee, we had a Daishiki party when I was in college. There was no hate. It was just, you were just free. No one filmed anything, filming everything, I think put a damper on everything. - That's a great point. - And I'm not saying, I wanna have a fucking clan rally. I'm just saying, I wanna have a wild time. - Yeah, how about the masters, they don't allow cell phones? - Oh good. - There's some great photos of like Rory winning and the whole crowd is just tracked to beam right on there. - More of that. - I agree, we gotta do more phone bands. I told you, I'm getting Instagram off my phone, I blocked Reddit on my phone, I took Twitter off. - Yeah. - 'Cause I wanna be there for you, I wanna be good. - Now, thank you for coming around with this, 'cause people put, shoot me down on that, they're gaslighting me. - Well, I'm just saying there's not no wild. - Ah, okay. - There's plenty of wild, but there's less wild. - Less wild. - Chris Rock was on stage the other night, he popped in, and he had his whole bit, and this is what triggered it. He was like, what the hell happened to white men? He's like, white men used to be fucking cocky, bulzy, whatever, white men have been putstified, and I'm like, okay, he's saying it, but when I say it, I look like a psycho. - Right, right. - I'm just agreeing with the black guy. - Well, I see what you mean now, but I think you're right with the phones, and this is a big part of it. - Sure, sure. - 'Cause you used to be able to throw dog shit in your mother's face, but now someone goes, hey, look at this guy throwing dog shit in his mother's face. - Yeah, yeah, and some of it is, hey, we got that guy. Thank God for the phone, we got that guy being a piece of shit, but I'm just talking about jumping off of a hotel into a pool, like on the off the roof. You know, I'm talking about the guy who would do back flips or burnouts in the car for no reason. Just the wild, I mean, when I was a kid, two of my friends bought handguns. They just bought handguns, and they showed up to my house, and they go, you're going out tonight, and it was like a Tuesday, and I was with my parents at home, and they were like, you're going out, we're going drinking. And I'm like, ah, it's a school night, I don't know. And they're like, you're going out. - Whoa! - And they just showed me the gun. I was like, we're going out. And I just went, they're gonna show you if you didn't go out. - Apparently, they're both firemen now. These are wild guys, but that's what I'm talking about. I don't know if that's around. I don't even think kids want to drive anymore. Kids are like, I'm not getting my license. - I think that. - I'm playing video games. - Less sex. - Less sex? I have a point. - Yeah. - Okay, but it's hard to convey it. It's hard to prove it. I need some statistics, there's some information. - Well, there's definitely less sex. They say that, and less hanging out, less knee scraping, I think. - Yes, yes. Helicopter, parent, Kobe Bryant, I don't know. But yeah, just had to get that out. - That's pretty good. - We getting this, that's good stuff. - Should we do a bucks runner? - Oh, I was waiting down over 14. - You want a coffee? - I don't think I have a small cup. - Woohoo! - I wouldn't mind if you had a chip cook. - Yeah! - I don't know if I should bring this up. What was that with that Asian thing? - What Asian thing? - You said like an Asian thing to the group? - Oh, it was like you, someone made a website. - Oh, it's hilarious. - Well, you tap on Joe's face and it says one of his Asian impressions is randomized. - All right, I didn't know if it was like an attack or a hit piece or something. - Oh, that's great. - Tall, medium roast coffee, what do you like? - Whatever the little one is. - Yeah, tall. - Jack, you want something? - Seems confusing. - Are you sure? - Coffee. - Chocolate chip cookie, please. - I got you, I got the cookie, the brownie, the tea, and the coffee. - All right. - This is very exciting. - Well, you shouldn't be doing this on the air. - No, no, this is good stuff. - Oh, they hate it. - Remember to put meat on the burger. - Folks. - Yeah, okay. - Here's the thing, by the way, let me defend that. (laughing) 'Cause people were like, you fucking moron idiot. But why do they call it a double quarter-pounder cheeseburger without meat? - Wait. - It shouldn't be an option to have a double-quarter-pounder-cheese burger with no meat. - Well. - But why would I think that's even possible? - Because they want to have vegetarian options. They can't put an option that duplicates every single sandwich that says no meat, no meat, no meat. - That's like saying, why don't I have a quarter-pounder with no bread? - Yeah. - That's the same option. - Right, but it's the same sandwich. - You see my point is, the quarter-pounder is in reference to a quarter-pounder of meat. Once there's no meat, it's not a quarter-pounder, there's no quarter-pounder. - I know. - It literally says the quarter-pound cheeseburger meal. - I get it. - What are that without a meat? It's like saying, I want a cheese pizza. - No cheese. - But no pizza. - Oh. - Like it's like, what the hell is this? - There shouldn't be an opposite option for a cheese pizza with no pizza in it. Do you see my point? - Well, pizza is the better analogy. - Well, pizza is the better analogy because that's the whole thing. - No, I think cheese is good. I want a cheese pizza with no cheese. - That's what I'm saying. - Right, right, that's good. - But it's even greater than that because the whole thing is in reference to the burger. - I get it. - It's like, that's closer. That's a better analogy, but still not perfect. - Right. - It would be like-- - Because meat is just a part of the burger. - Yeah, I want a Nissan Sentra, but there's an option to just get the four tires. I'm like, where's the Nissan Sentra? - I got it. - Macaroni and cheese without the macaroni. - There you go. - That's it. - Exactly. - I ordered a macaroni and cheese and there's an option to click no macaroni and they just bring you a puddle of cheese. - Right. - Once, once you take away, you're able to take away the meat that the quarter pound is in reference to nothing. - It's nothing. It's like a philosophical. - Yes, so exactly. - It's like a weird meta project. - Yes, the quarter pound is in reference to the meat. The burger is in reference to meat. - Yes. - So it's crazy that you can be like, I'll have a quarter pound cheeseburger without a quarter pound burger. - Well that a quarter pound. My only pushback is a quarter pound burger comes with a lot of shit. - Right. - You get a bun, a meat, a cheese, a pickle, a mayonnaise, or a ketchup. So when you order a quarter pound with no meat, you're still getting all that other shit. Well that should be an option is to take away everything but the meat. 'Cause otherwise there is a thing. There should be an unbending you. There should be bread ketchup. - Right. - Fetch a bread, right. - Let me get an order of ketchup bread. - Yeah, what psychos ordering that, huh? - So, and I'm not even saying I'm right or didn't fuck up. I'm just saying that's where my mind was at. There's, I didn't cross my mind that it would be even possible to order a double quarter pound cheeseburger without a double quarter pound cheeseburger. - Right. - I think it doesn't make any sense. It's like Robin Peter to pay Paul. - That's just a line from Fargo. What's the hell of a film? - Hell of a film. - Anyways, so uh. - You ordered it? - I ordered it. - Okay. - Put some cream in mind if you don't mind. - Oh, jeez, is he making you get cream? - I was gonna say I'll get the protein box or cheese and grapes, but that's okay. - Oh, you take my tea bag out too? - Oh. - I'll grab protein box and I'll then mo you. - Okay. (coughing) - This is exciting. - This is one of the checks one of these guys. That doesn't thing goes, "I'd love to get it for you." And then he goes, "Uh boy, you made me do the thing." You can't have it both ways. - You can't have it both ways. - I think people don't like the, oh, it adds some cream, short, steep in my tea. I think that that's what, damn it. - Ah. - I'll do it. - I'm happy to do it. - Yeah, don't give me shit for the cream if you're doing tea steep. - Oh, you gotta do it, take the tea bag out. - Oh, I gotta do it with a little cream in. - But I could've ordered the cream on there. - Oh, I would've said, "Hey, cream." - Well, they have the jug. - Oh yeah, I love jugs. - Yeah, it's a good magazine. - Oh yeah. - See, that's a, see, Maxim is, that was a big magazine that's gone. - Right. - That's part of my problematic, there's a quiffiness in the air. - Well, all magazines are, as Maxim dot com still around? - Probably not. - Yeah. - All right, so it's four items, two, a coffee, a tea, and cream, take the bag out, cookie, brownie. And make it some napkins. - And some pre-self. - And a little, (laughing) - Some napkins. - A little some pre-self, probably some napkins. - Yeah, yeah. And if you see a nice looking woman, invite her over. - Yes, please, there you go. All right. - This is exciting. - Yeah, we got a show. We're here all day. They don't like the coffee order. They're gonna be very upset about this. - Ah, they love every minute of it. What are you gonna do? - Sure, I'd just say cut it out. - I got some stuff. - This coffee order is the biggest problem in your life. These people need to move on. - Exactly. (laughing) - I think I caught it. - It's a resting gurgle right in the bottom of the throat. - Ah, curbles, he was a bad guy. - I think so. I'm watching Nuremberg. - Ah. - You ever seen it? - No. - Russell Crowe. - Oh, I heard things about it. - It's okay. It's such a cool story that it carries the film. Did you watch DTF Saint Louis at some of it. Yeah, well, it's very disappointing. Oh, I thought you were all in well the first episode We laughed so hard. I mean, I don't want to turn this into siscling even over here But the first episode we were on the floor like we have not laughed that hard on the show or movie in a long time The umpire was great and then it just slowly comes apart and just becomes depressing and makes no sense in its silly And as a murder if it comes a total murder and mystery thing and then it just becomes actually it turns out Well, I don't want to get it. Yeah, well, it started with like hey these guys are suburban boring who are getting weird sex Fuck funky. I was like so funny. That's a great angle. Yes. I mean, interesting But once you get a murder it. I'm like this is just every other show now and then the jokes go away and the sex goes away And you're just left with like sad assholes. Oh, I hate a sad asshole. Yeah, happy asshole Hey folks when you're starting a business as we all We'll have to soon. It's important to have a good Team we got a good team. It's me. It's Mark. It's Chuck and that's pretty much it We got a nice small team, but if you need a bigger team for your business You got to go to Shopify Shopify is the commerce platform. I just drooled behind millions of businesses They have easy to use tools to help your business grow all in one place I'm serious if I didn't have Shopify I would be F'd I don't know what I'm doing. I'm a moron Chuck's a moron marks a moron three morons But we use Shopify so we're killing it Customize your brand and the Shopify design studio reach customers quickly with their marketing tool Shopify can even help manage inventory and international shipping start your business today with the industries best Business partner Shopify and start hearing Sign up for your one dollar per month trial today at Shopify.com/tuesdays go to Shopify.com/tuesdays one more time that's Shopify.com/tuesdays Yeah, hey folks you stressing out about your finances rocket money's the best way to manage your mula Rocket money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel unwanted subscriptions What a great idea monitors you spending and lowers your bills so you can grow your savings Rocket money helps you set financial goals and stay on budget by giving you personalized insights on your spending See all your prescription uh see all your subscriptions in one place and cancel with just a few clicks We're idiots. We need this rocket money's huge. We love rocket money. They're great. I got all these old things coming to Coming back to haunt me uh, it's like curpees you can't get rid of these these bills But thanks to rocket money they're out of here. It's easy. I told you about Bobby Bobby Kelly used rocket money 35 Things he was paying for that he didn't use wow 35. I mean, that's got to be a record that is crazy So right if you're anything like Bobby Even if you have five six I just went through my own I had a bunch so get on there Hit him with that verbatim mark. He probably saved five grand doing that Absolutely. Let rocket money help you reach your financial goals faster join in rocket money.com/tuesdays That's rocket money.com/tuesdays one more time rocket money.com/tuesdays All right, well, let me get into some of this stuff because this is fun I can't get too crazy the detail but some fun things happen Well, you know, you get the whole thing But went out to Ohio did a big Ohio run. I never do I love Ohio town Well, Ohio is one of the great places as it goes Ohio. So goes the nation most presidents I believe I believe we might have had that discussion at one point tell who the other guy Garfield is buried out there. I hate Mondays lasagna Oh, I see did they name him after the president? I wonder I doubt it. Okay, maybe maybe But they got that cemetery that's a man. They have the best little Italy. Mama santa. You know how much I love Mama santa's Then they have the cemetery has Alan freed Elliott Ness Wow James Garfield that guy from American splendor. I always forget his name. Harvey Karr. Yeah, push cut And I think somebody else is there. Oh, wait, who's read Alan freed he invented the term rock and roll. He was like the first guy. He was like there we come rock and roll He was a DJ. Oh wow, and his tombstone is a jukebox. Oh, I love it. And there's a peoria. That's a different state. Yeah What about peoria? They got a jukebox club. Oh the club It's right next to the home run derby. What do you call that? Demolition thing. So in the middle of your city's here, is that right? Yeah, literally you can hear cars crashing into each other during your set Yeah, yeah back when white guys are crazy, but Ohio's got crazy. Ohio is fucking great best state flag too They have like the kind of triangle pennant looking thing. I don't know the flag with the the circle and the stars. Oh, H You know, Sarah an interesting point about Ohio. She's like, this is like cold Texas. Oh I love it. You like that because it's similar in that, you know, you kind of have Blue cities, but red all around yeah, kind of votes similarly a lot of wide open spaces. Yeah, a lot of wild dudes Everybody lives in cities. You know, Texas. You have Houston, Dallas, Fort Worth, Austin And then Ohio you have, you know, Dayton, Cleveland, Cincinnati, Toledo Sure, sure. A lot of flat, a lot of farm, a lot of kind of country vibe. Yeah, it's a lot of state pride. I'm obsessed with the college for you Yeah, you have the buck guys. You have the long horns and long. Oh, yeah, long horn. You kind of have a similar vibes. Yeah, that's true. I like that. And you know, there's a Instagram handle Ohio or Russia and you have to guess Because there's so much wild shit going on in Ohio and Russia that you can't tell no kid. It's kind of like a Adam Crowell had that game Germany or Florida like you would say a new story and you have to guess. Does this happen in Germany or Florida? That's fun. And Ohio has that with Russia. How about this run-on's going on his butt guests. How about that? What coming to hell is he thinking? That's what I said. I was like, you know what you're getting into over there and he's like, what's the problem? Oh, that's right. All right. Crowell's a cool guy funny guy, but boy, they are gonna butt Naisley heads. Yeah. Well, it's tough to get a lot of words in a Either one of their shows. I mean, that's two guys that aren't doing a lot of like, what do you think? Yeah, and you got a Naisley drone and a list Just just brillo panic it all day long. So check that out. That'll be interesting. I can't wait to hear it. So anyways, I'm going out to Ohio. So I have Columbus funny bone book Friday Saturday two shows each night and then Thursday we had Toledo Wednesday, Warren, Ohio never heard of it. Nobody has war in peace. So the Warren, but you've heard of the club I know that because when I went there the guy said, oh, your boy Mark is always talking about us Is that right? Yep. What's the club? The club is The Youngstown Funny Ball. Funny fun. Yeah, I know it well. They are none too pleased with you. Well, they fucked me I stand by it. Well, this man, this gentleman who couldn't have been nicer Dave Big Dave. He says, I love Mark. I love the show. I love you guys with a huge fan He goes mark tells the story about the club all the time and then they said hey Why don't you get some fish and then they charge you for the fish. Yeah, and the beers Well, Dave was on vacation His brother's kids are something watching the after the club. Oh, well, they screwed you, Davey So they Don't know how it works or whatever. They're afraid because I understand where they're coming from Someone puts you in charge or something. Okay. By the way, quick side story. Sarah one time had a yard sale For a stoop sale here in New York. We have no yards. You get a stoop sale And then somebody a friend of hers was like, oh, can I sell some stuff at your thing? She goes, yeah, join it You can sell some stuff. I'll sell it for you. Her friend comes brings her stuff She goes off to go get a sandwich or something stoop doggy dog she goes The capital S. Oh, yes, a fresh deal double G. You see so she goes off and goes, hey, I'm gonna go grab a couple of You know, whatever hot dogs. Okay, the friend. Yeah, you watch my stuff So you probably see where this is good. The lady goes to buy a hot dog some asshole comes and goes, hey, how about this jewelry I'll buy some of this jewelry and Sarah goes Five bucks. Oh sells it the lady comes back with ketchup on her lips and goes, hey, what happened to my jewelry? And Sarah goes we sold it. Oh, that's dynamite. How much did you get? Sarah goes It's a diamond ring. What are you crazy? That was my grandmother's it was on the Titanic 300 stoop that's I'd heard of It's over. Well, what do you do at selling high-end goods on a stoop that doesn't doesn't mesh? Well, she threw hot coffee in her face. She hates Sarah. The swastik is on my windows every couple months. Man Well, she lost her ruby slippers, but that's on her. She you got to maintain you got to stay stay back there coups This is a true story literally. She was like are you crazy? That was that should have been 50 bucks at the minimum and Sarah's like It's a stoop sale. I don't know also you got to put a tag on it, or I don't know what you're charging for your necklace Well, that's the thing. If you're gonna be going off and riding fences during the chat sale you got to say you got to say hey like if I had if I was selling my old You know signed headshot And I would have one of Starbucks no less than 80 bucks for that baby. Oh, you're not getting that but I hear you Well now now some broads walk around look at like mr. T full of Full of jewellery and necklaces and beads and and de bloons Somebody got a treasure chest off of that for for a fit ski. Oh boy. Anyway, so that's funny That's very that's a curb plot. Well, what was I even talking about so we got we got a bone to pick with a Dave's cousin Oh, so Dave's cut. Yeah, so he go. Yeah, Uncle Dave's locker. This is exactly what happens. So hot Dave hot Dave's chicken or Dave's hot chicken Whatever it's called hmm. He runs the funny farm and he's a good man. This guy. He took care of me Like I've never been taken care of how do you like the room? Well, this is a new room It's moved a good time. So I'll get to that. I didn't the original, but he goes. Hey, yeah, Mark Oh, he's telling he was laughing. He was like tells the story goes I feel terrible tell him I'm sorry He goes I had someone else watching over the club, but this guy that was watching the club didn't want to pull a Sarah Ah way to connect him. So he goes. Oh my god. Yeah, there's your chicken your fish your beer and then he goes Oh boy, I don't want Dave to be mad at me It's 80 bucks, you know, right Dave to come back and go the drawer short 90 bucks sure sure Well, it was more than 80, but keep going well, whatever it was. Yeah, so Was it his fault? I love you. Wow. Okay. Look. This is years later Except your apology and I'll take a Venmo. He's a good man and by the way if you're if you're working on a new hour and you want to your straight through towns War in Ohio. I don't know if I can afford this club. It's a little gnarly so So long story. I'm all over the place. So we did Warren and that's about an hour from Cleveland. Okay, so as you know my ex girlfriend lives there We're friends now. Hey, I say to Sarah. I got a great one of the great wives of all time I go what do you say we come out? We had kids at the same time you know Sarah from the old days Sarah People go what the hell is great Sarah goes okay? That sounds fun. Hmm. So we fly out there bring the wife the baby We go meet the husband and the babies. Okay, it's like a big Brady Bunch scenario there. It was very fun Love it different than the Brady Bunch. I guess we fly out there. So now a flying to Cleveland Early flight eight in the morning is going to have time to hang. Ah, so me Sarah Marty. We fly to Cleveland We rent the car we go out. We meet up with my friends our friends. Hey, you remember them you remember this Marty This is this kid that kid that's kid. We're all jelling Let me hang out. It's fun. We're all running around the parks the playgrounds beautiful house yard The playground is fun. You're running around with the kids. It's great peanut butter and yelling and then you go Like a gig an hour away shows it seven P. Oh That'll catch you out. You got traffic, too. Yeah traffic and I haven't showered. I'm wearing pissy baby pants Flat bed head airplane head. Yeah, yeah, that'd be fun to get airplane head. Oh Man, that would be exciting. Yeah, you just throw the blue blanket over there, and So now dead head That's good. So I'm doing this thing where I'm like I got to go, but then the husband's coming He's like knocking off work early to come meet. Okay. Oh, no, but you got to go and we're in his home So I go, okay, well, I'll just stick around and meet but you can't go. How do you do nice to meet? Yeah, I'll see you later Yeah, and you don't know this guy and we're starving so we get there. We're like all right So food so we start talking food plans you want to go out to eat to your order food and I go Let's just order. I'm always like let's just order delivery. We go out to eat. We got three kids Oh, what a nightmare you got to sit the whole thing and then with the waitresses slow whatever what time we looking at here It's like Five o'clock. Oh show up again. Yeah, you're pushing it shows it seven. It's an hour car ride So he goes all right, I'll order pizza and you're like great So he orders pizza we start getting to know each other chit chat and the kids are running around It's just good life out there. I know the sky is blue sprawling yard if I told you what they paid for their house You had jump into the East River with Cinder blocks on your feet. Oh my god. It's good for the back if I had to guess It's about 15% of what you paid for your house sprawling and level it's levels Jerry. I didn't even lost in the house right toys up the ass Beautiful place. Sure. Beautiful town. So now the pizza comes it's 555 you better believe it. I'm looking at Google maps if I leave now I'm getting there two minutes for the show starts And then you start doing well. There's a host in an opener. Yeah, exactly 30 minutes here And you know me I'm psychotically early, but then this man who I've known for 40 minutes just went and got me and my family pizza Wham bam. Thank you. So you got to eat the pizza and I'm like literally inside just freaking out and showers out out No chance of a shower you wish. I'm literally wearing these pants golden shower warm-up pants dirty clothes my the back of my head is just flat Haven't brushed flat-erther. So I eat the pizza and you do the thing where you're like, okay? Well, I got the gig so like you're not you know how you shift the personnel Yes, yes, you go well. It's such a pleasure to meet you now. Well, I see you tomorrow. I'll see you in the morning This was great the pizza the thanks. You didn't cement it go. Hey, just letting you know. I got a schedule in about 30 Well, I had said that at the same time. This man just bought my family pizza So you go, okay? Thank you great to meet you great to see you. I love the kiss on the lips for the kids take care Get in the car. I go I call my manager, I go you got to call him. I'm late. What the fuck are you so late? What's going on? I'm like I was hanging out my ex girlfriend. It was fine. We all don't know. Oh my god. It's crazy Drop them at the hotel. Oh, no, there's a stop and then I realized I'm like okay I could change my pants my suitcases upstairs. So we got a run and I'm like I'll be there at 722 tell him to start Then you also this is the other thing you don't want the hold the show no I hate the hold because now I'm in war no I would 10 p.m. Everything's pushed back. Yes, and I got to start my day early the next morning So I run over the hotel I run them upstairs because I got to bring up the suitcase the other thing the is thing So I run upstairs now the baby doesn't want me to leave sure because he loves dad and it's bedtime I gotta go to work so he's crying. He's gonna shit in his life. So I just change his diaper at minutes are ticking Oh my god, you are pushing it fatty and you know me. I'm compulsively. It makes me sick to be late Yeah, it's a man you can hide. So I feel like Axel Rose. I'm like the show is starting in a half hour I'm leaving at 630. Yeah, so you go from that like thanks for the pizza very nice to meet you. You're a lucky man Jump in the car and you have that feeling you have to go Zen you're like yes, I can't change time right I've left when I've left my manager calls the club He's like they're all good. There's two comments before them and I'm like Thank you, but also don't hold the show don't hold it because I don't want to set the show 30 minutes late not fair to the fan So I'll just let them know I will be there and I'll come ready to come on and the whole time I'm driving I'm like I can't even want to do a show. I'm literally in dirty pants right dirty body. Yeah, had had bed head sleep head No head bad feeling people always say what are your pre-show rituals? All I need is a shower That's it. I don't care about anything else. I don't gonna do woo woo bullshit pushups. Just give me a shower give me a shower I got no shower. Ah So I'm driving out there and it's beautiful out there bright green fluorescent grass blue sky farm spectacular Start to get a little closer to Warren, which is a suburb of Youngstown. Okay, Tony Hitchcliffe I believe it's from Youngstown. That's gonna come up and I said oh shit So it starts getting you know start getting in town I'm like now it says 11 minutes away eight minutes away and man. It's Western Union gun store burnt out house Billboard after billboard are you on meth how to get off meth right right baby stolen was your father gay Yeah, you want to get off meth methadone clinic sober clinic methadone clinic. Oh boy. Oh boy What is it some blue collar oxy cotton down? I mean gun store liquor store I'm in the shit and I'm like this is where guys give like stump speeches. Oh Yes, well I was down in Warren, Ohio and I met three black kids in one fat asshole, you know, it's one of those towns So then as I'm driving in I pull into the restaurant It was like a time warp back to 2004. I pull into just a restaurant It's called 432 or something like that. Okay, there is no sign literal or figurative sign of a comedy club anywhere in sight This is funny farm. Yes, weird. I literally text my manager. I'm like I think I have the wrong address because I'm just at a restaurant And he's like no, no, that's it. Whoa So I go what the fuck is this? I'm like double checking the address. I'm a half hour late. I'm dressed exactly like this. I smell like ass I go in in that town. This is a tuxedo. Well, that was the thing as I pulled in I'm like This might be the best thing that ever happened right as if I showed up with a tent baker and slacks. Oh, you get mugged They would have been like who's this homo exactly you think you better than us? So I come in and I'm like There's this it it I can't express how much it made me feel like my early days in common. Oh, sure I'm like hi. I'm a comedian. They're like oh, yeah down the fall down the stairs and I'm walking and it's just regular people eating dinner in a restaurant There's not one singles. There's Jackie boy. That took a while not one single funny farm thing you go down the stairs and then now there's like a picture of a blurry picture of Bert. Okay, here I am, finally, packed out basement, you're literally in like the kitchen of the thing, like with the storage area. Any milling about, no people, no list of maniacs? Well, there's no milling because I'm so late, I'm proud to see it. True that. As I'm walking down, you hear that guy go, "Are you ready to start the show? They held the show!" Ah, hate a hole, don't held. What do you got? Lucas Hill. Here it comes. Thank you, Chuck. Thank you, checker. Spear checker. Okay. Appreciate it. All right, whoa, you got your protein pack. There it is. Like a real ghost buster. Thank you. You put cream in it? Pizza pre-brains. Yeah, yeah, it's all brown. Cream, thank you. All brown, like, my neighborhood. Check it out. Woohoo! Yeah, check it out. Thank you. I love you. Cookies in there, I think. That's very exciting. Make it 14, 14 times you get coffee. Maybe, I think that's bullshit. Oh, that's delicious. Put this bag next to my old cookie bag. But how many? Boy, you're a good man, Chuck. We're proud to have you. Oh, boy, very exciting. We didn't say anything negative while you were good. No, no. All positive. Even Rupert got blown. You know, listen to the show, right? All right, smart move, smart move. Oh, the cookie's a little warm. Nice. OK, we allowed to eat. Well, they don't like it, but we're doing it. Apologies in advance. This is by the way. Not for all of you. That's a meme or a gif. Yeah, I think it's France gif. That's what Sarah said. That's peanut butter. That's a good point. Well, the choosing moment is choose a gif. You got that right. Peter Pan? Well, I pee in my pants all the time. So any farts I get there. And now I look in the crowd and, oh, man, it's Mickey. It's 130 people sold out. Hey, it's a good room. All right. They got me set up in the back. You know, some of these rooms you go to, your rider is just ignored. Sure. They got the biggest bowl of blueberries. Wow. Big old box of cookies. They got tea, bananas, strawberries. The lady couldn't have been nicer, nice green room, nice couch. I needed a phone check. My car had no car jack because I know I hate that. She went, got me a charge. They couldn't have been kinder. Couldn't have been better. Dave told me how he hates you, but forgives you. Thank you. And I got a big beef too. And they go, by the way, there's a big union guy. I think he was like, he worked in the caves, the mines. He goes, he got you a big gift. Make sure to say thank you. I open it up to full boxes of cigars. Oh, my word. This is a little strange. What do you think about this? Left the receipt in there. Ooh, he got you on that one. $760 of the cigars. Why do you put the receipt in there? I can't return him. Maybe I could, I guess. Wait a minute, that's too much money. $800 of the cigars. Two full boxes, beautiful cigars. Who's this guy? We got to give this guy a shout out and go find me. I'll give him a shout out. I mean, I don't know his name, but this guy, he lives in Youngstown, he was a bit, he looked like an extra from the department or something. Whoa, Union. Big, giant, serious guy, big cross around his neck. $750 bucks on Stokeys, it's unheard of. Oh, it was a, I mean, I've already gotten to work on them. I've had two cents, they're fucking beautiful, nice cigars. Wow, thank you, sir. Go Union and go America. Unbelievable. I come out, I get on stage. It's 133 people. 125 of them are men. Yeah, you better believe it. 70 of them have a Killtony shirt, son. The whole front row, Killtony, Tony, Kitchfield, Tony Tattoons, it's all Killtony. Local boy makes good hometown hero. It was wild. Whoops. Sorry, a crumb and flying. I'll get it. I'll eat that. All right, there you go. Thank you. You talk, I can eat a brand. All right, wow. Well, let me just clear the air with a old David Crockett here, 'cause I don't know people know about the ordeal. I think so, but tell them again, refresh. I'll give a quick version. So I got a gig at this club in Youngstown called The Funny Farm. I show up. I'm nobody, it's a papered room. I'm eating shit, she was hot. And I have, you know, I'm broke, I'm a young comic. This is before my Comedy Central half hour. I remember filming the show to try to get a half hour. That's all this was. That comic says not even on air anymore. Like, that's how long ago this was. So, I sit down post show to have a meal, and the guy goes, get the swordfish or whatever. And I go, all right, I was gonna get the burger, but all right, I'll get the swordfish. And he goes, and you gotta get this wine or these beers. This beer pairs well with the food or whatever. I'm like, okay, then I had like six beers. And then the bill came and it was $280, which was my whole profit. I think I made 300 on the weekend. And he sent me the bill, it was like the cigar. So I was like, why is the receipt here? And then I had to tip on top of that. So I lost money on the weekend. The guy screwed me. I felt like he did it intentionally to try to get some money back like a casino, the house wins, and that was it. But I got the half hour off it. - Okay. - Yeah. - That paid like 10 grand. - Yeah, something like that. - Yeah, I'll have to taxes in the agent. - Yeah. - For like eight or a bucks. - Yeah. - But maybe, so maybe this apology, he wasn't expecting it to blow up. Maybe he's like, maybe retrospectively. It's like, you know what, it was my cousin that day. - Exactly, exactly. I'm just saying it's bad form. I'll pay for the meal, which I did, but give me a heads up. Or I wouldn't have gotten 17 Sam Adams. That was my, that was my beef. - Well, it's all water in the bridge. - Yes. - You should book it on getting a new actor. - I will, and I'm down. - 'Cause it's fun, and they wrote a check right out there, boom, no bullshit. Great show. It was a hot show. Phil, GoPakcho was there. He didn't rent message. - Wow. - Which some of you fans, there's only a few of you, but GoPakcho, message me if you're gonna be there. - He's number one MVP. - I wanna say hello. - Love GoPakcho. - GoPakcho since 2014, I think. - He's an OG TWS. Jesus, oh, is it Gets? I mean, that guy goes back away. - Oh yeah, old gay. - So anyways, the show is, it's like a staged, literally three inches high. - Yeah, I remember. - Exactly the way I like it. Just right on top of you, couldn't have been kinder. So, do the show, hop with the car. - Hot show. - Hot show. - I mean, in your corner as human beings, I'm gonna say it ever. I mean, literally. - That's a good crowd. But your corner's all must have just dropped right when you got in that green room. - Felt so good to get in there. And then, like I said, you're like, I'm glad I didn't shower. I look like I walked out of a coal mine. - Exactly, black face and all. - So, drive all the way back to Cleveland. The next day, this guy's taking a photo of your house. - This, I had the inspectors coming today, so I got the wife on it. - Oh. - Hopefully she's good to go. - Talk about that a little 'cause I have a brownie in my mouth. - All right, so, you know, when you buy this house, they got the gas or the New York gas and room and board or whatever, is here. This guy's gonna come and he's got a badge on, and a vest. - He's coming right down there. - Oh, I better go check, you want to talk to him? - Let's turn to him. - Just tell him, we're here for you. We know you're here. See, DOB, the Department of Buildings, right on the vest. Just say my wife's upstairs, she's ready. - Oh, she's got her. - Oh, she's on it. - Yeah, yeah, she's coming. - Okay, NYC, DOB, these guys like the mafia. You cannot fuck around. One time they showed up, but I wasn't here. I was like out and getting milk, and they chewed me out. They're like, you're never gonna work in this town again. They almost lit the house on fire. So, these guys are not fucking around. So the wife is on it. - Okay, good. - I had to buy extra smoke detectors. I had to buy a-- - I saw this, this brand new. - That's new. I didn't have to come here. Maybe. - 'Cause he wanted to come down here. - Well, we'll get him on air, 'cause I'd like some witnesses. 'Cause these guys will fuck your wife. - You know what I just thought of that makes me laugh. When I think about it. - Uh-oh. - There we go. - When Wendy Lobelle was filming us for. (laughing) - Oh, the anxiety movie. - This film is the anxiety. And the old, old, old apartment. - On Tens Street. - We were filming in there, and there was this. (laughing) - I didn't get a word of that. - The camera guy. There was this much space for the camera and us. And for whatever reason, her camera guy or producer. - He got her. (laughing) - He like grouched down for this. Like, can you go? (laughing) - Can you go? (laughing) - You go, get out of the shot, you come. (laughing) - I'm gonna flip that off. (laughing) - There was like a 60-year-old guy. (laughing) - Wait. (laughing) - To him, to him. (laughing) - It was like a three person crew. It was like Wendy or a camera guy and a producer. And for whatever reason, we were recording the podcast. And he was trying to like fix audio or something. You go, get out of the shot, you come. - Oh yeah, well, he was right in the frame. (laughing) - I was like, oh my God, these are like serious people who are real journalist, lady. - Right. - Friend, sweetheart. - Very nice. - Very nice. - Very nice. And then he's called him a come. (laughing) - I will remember that to the day I die. - It was great. - You know, I'm for an eye. - Get out of the shot, you come. Uh, he was alive. nice about it. He took it well. Uh-oh. Yeah. Yeah. Was that a knocker? I think somebody got hit over the head. Hey. Oh, sorry. We're doing a show. We want to get on the mic. Yeah. We're going to smoke the detector right up there. Yep. There it is. There it is. And there's one in the other rope too. And there's one in the one in the couple in the basement. Feel free. Walk around doing a podcast. And a game porn. He's very successful. There you go. Watch out. There's a couple dead hookers in there. And that guy lives in there. Yeah. He's a homosexual. All right. Thank you, guys. Take care. Nice to meet you. Cool vest. Okay. Okay. That'll get fired. I kind of look like art shell. The old Raiders go to a shell. Well, this is awkward because that they can just hear us. Well, they're, they're serious men. That's true. They're men with jobs, Jerry. Yeah, to the shot. You could. Anyways, that was the show was good. The crowd was on. So I drive back to Cleveland. So now we're getting the hotel. Sarah's sleeping with the the baby in one bit. There's two beds. So she's like, I'll just sleep over here with him. So you can get some rest because you got the shows. I got shows every night. And I got a nice lady. So I go to bed. And now I'm still buzzing because I had a show and then I hang with the X and the husband. So you're then you start going through. You're like, was that offensive? Should I not have said that? You know how you meet someone important to you? You start going back through. You're like, Oh, I said that joke. Was that crazy? So I'm laying a bed not falling asleep because I'm thinking, but then you have the show. You're like, should I have stage? Should I have done this? Should I do that? So you're just staring at the ceiling. Finally, does off around one o'clock in the morning. Wow, that late three o'clock in the morning. I hear I want to go to daddy's bed. My already wakes up. What's coming to my bed? Okay. He loves me. What can you say? He's a fan. Secure attachment. So he comes over to my bed. I go, okay. I don't mind sleeping with you. I'll sleep with your buddy boy. I can get in my nook. You get in the nook. And then you settle in. You go, all right. I'll sleep with the boy. It's like a comfort blanket. And then his piss fills the bed. So now I'm soaked. I have to get up early in the morning. I've been driving all day, flying all day, show, meeting the husband, all the stuff, wife and ex hanging out, dogs and cats. Mass hysteria. Fills the bed with piss. No, nobody. Dipe. Well, they just pissed right through the bed. Oh, wow, interesting. Well, so it turned out I had to buy diapers early. I bought the wrong cat. It doesn't matter. So now I got to get them up, change the diaper, put a towel down, move to the side of the bed, switch beds. Now he's up. My whole child. Oh, no. So now hopefully he'll fall back. So I'm kind of half-drifting to sleep. Yeah. But at like quarter of five, he's like, I want to watch Mr. Ray, she's up. Wow. He thinks he woke up. Yeah, right. But see, struggles on the road. He said it's a strange place. That's fair. Yeah, he ought to. At least there's no time change. So you go, okay. So well, we'll try to fall asleep while watching the show. He doesn't fall asleep. So finally like five, 15. I have this moment. I'm not sleeping. He's not sleeping. Let me at least let the wife sleep. Okay. I go, let's go get in the car. Good man. Oh my lord. It's pitch black. I throw on pants. I put pants on him. I'm a hero. You're a hero. Throw him in the car. We drive around. But now he's jacked up. He thinks he just slept through the night. Right. He'd come out the moon. He loves the subsets with the moon. And what time is it? Five, 15. Well, I guess he got like six hours, seven hours. No more than that. I mean, he went to bed. He usually sleeps from eight to seven. He went to bed, probably at eight. He went from eight to four. So it's still eight, six, seven hours. Yeah, you're right. Sorry. My math is on book. That's that's for a kid. That's a that's a night. Wait, no, yeah. It's like eight hours. When it doesn't matter. Okay. So we get in the car. I go, okay, I'll fall asleep. But now he sees the moon. He's jacked up. He's excited. So now he's going crazy in the back. And he's overtired. That goes like terminator two. Remember the end of terminator two. He turns into everything he's ever been. Yes. Yes. That's what the baby's like. He starts to do it. Every kind of voice he's doing Rachel. He's doing blue. He's doing me. He's doing these farting. He's yelling. He's singing. Rachel profiling. And so now I'm just driving around. I don't know this town. We're out in the suburbs in Bechistown. So I'm just like cruising around. And then I'm like the only neighborhood I know is where her house was. So now I'm like a psycho boyfriend driving by my exes. I was over and over again. This is the only street I know. So I'm doing laps on the neighborhood. I'm just driving around. I look like a psycho. This is a very affluent neighborhood. And maybe a peto too. You look like a kidnap the kid. You're just bringing him home in the middle of the night. So it's pitch black. I got one eye open. Gives him my hair hard on. And I'm just driving around a very nice neighborhood. And I'm going around past the same houses like 50 times. Oh man. And what's he doing? Like a dog out the window. He's screaming. Crying. Yeah. Not crying. But he's like he's having he's going nuts. But fun. Sure. And so I'm like I got to stay strong. He is going to fall asleep. He has to. It's five o'clock in the morning. There's no way. You have to. So after about 30 minutes of going. And then he gets quiet. So you're like I think he's going to sleep. And then he's like this. I don't see the moon anymore. You go. Jesus. Fuck. I thought he was down. Damn it. I hate the moon. So finally he falls asleep. Now I'm like on the highway. I'm literally driving around the highway. Yeah. It'll hire. Now what's he like laid out in the back or how's what's the reason this in the car? See he finally does. Okay. Got it. Like thank God. So I drive around for 30 minutes. Literally looping around highway here over there. And I'm just thinking like what time to Starbucks? Oh, it's going to be it's now it's like six. So he sleeps for about 30 minutes while I'm driving around about six 30. I'm like I'm going to go to the library parking lot. Oh, I'll get some rest. Whoa. This is crazy. So I pull into the library. And now I'm also afraid. I'm just going to get like the hey sir. You can't sleep here with a baby. So I go in the parking lots empty. Yeah. It's also by the way the middle school slash library parking lot. So a little nervous. That allowed there. So I pull in. I leave the car running. But I put it in park. Pull my hood up. I put on a little meditation thing. Hmm. About four minutes. I'm like I can feel my head. Oh, good for you. That here. Daddy the sun is out. Wow. I got greedy. I should have kept driving. I tried to have my take it. Right. Right. Right. I should have just kept driving. So now whoop. He's up. And now I know there's no chance of him going back to me. Now he's awake. So at least he slept for 30 minutes. So now it's like six thirty five or something like that. Oh, whatever. No, it's like maybe it's quarter or seven. So you're on maybe four three if you're lucky. Horrible and bad sleep. And then the day before I didn't sleep. So I go to the Starbucks and we he's now he's jacked up. We got some croissants. We have a coffee. I text back. I'm like you up. No. So how ironic. She's got a baby. The X gets a you up again. Yeah. So I'm like we're just hanging out. It's because that we're homeless. I don't want to go back to the hotel because Sarah is trying. I'm not trying to get my wife to get some rest. It's like just get someone in the house some rest. Yes. Yes. Because then maybe she can get you some rest later. Exactly. So she's so back is like I mean, I'm up. The kids are up. And I'm like, all right, we'll be out of her house in 60 seconds for the Starbucks. And now we're over there. This is huge. This is one thing about kids. They will bring people together. Oh yeah. So there now he's pumped because they got toys up. Yeah. You take a New York kid and you shove them into the suburbs. Oh heaven. He's never seen anything like this. Yeah. And they got two kids. So there's like airplanes, tigers, trucks, everything you can ever imagine. Totally. So he's just like this is the greatest day of my life. I love it. So now she's like, all right, I got to take my other kid to school. She's like, you guys can hang here, but her husband went to the gym. So I'm like, well, I can't have this guy come back and me and his son are just in the house. That feels weird. Can doodling. So I'm like, all right, I'll leave too. So I call Sarah. I'm like, listen, your sleep is up. We're coming. So we go back there and then she's she's up now. So she's going to orange theory. It'll go work up. So we go drop her and orange theory. Then we go back to the house. We all play. The kids play boobly boob. And that was fun. He's just hanging out with her kids. So I'm like, can I just leave him here? And she's like, of course, so that's Sarah. I got a little meat time, a little free time. That's incredible. I tried to get laid, but she was like, what are you talking about? I just worked out. You haven't slept. I'm like, all right, but I don't know. Are you not sleeping? I guess I do it. Not getting laid. Yeah, it's good point. I have a point. So anyways, we do that. So now we go back to the house. We hang out the house all day. It's glorious. The kids are having fun. They're getting along. It's a beautiful day. We're all laughing, telling stories. Did you get an app? No, now. Oh my man. You're a fucking terminator. So now Matt Wayne is flying in because he's opening the rest of the weekend. We're at the funny bone. At the Toledo, we got to go to Toledo. So Matt flies in. So then you get this one. So now, once again, we're hanging out. Her older son comes home and he's like excited to hang out with the old Uncle Joe. So we're hanging out and I'm like, just so you know, you know how kids are. I'm like, just so you know, I got a head to the airport to get my buddy. And then he's like, no, no, sure. So then you're like, it's like the night before. I'm like, all right, we'll almost stick around. We're pushing it again. Then you get this. Matt Wayne, hey, I landed 35 minutes early. So now I'm 30 minutes away. I'm in my underwear. Wow. I'm like, okay, we'll be there in an hour. So now I'm just leaving a guy at an airport. Yeah, it does look good. Uber. Yeah, that's not bad, but it's the opposite direction. Was that mean? Well, because we're going to Toledo, which is West, the airport's West. Oh, the airport's only West. Then Toledo is an hour west. So I go, okay, we got to pack it up. We say our goodbyes. Great time. I can't believe we pulled this off. What a fun thing. That was special. You know, boobly boob, skip any bob. Everyone's friends now. All works out. Wonderful. Oh, yeah. Couldn't have been nicer. We hopped in the car. So now in Texas, man, I go, Okay, we're coming. We're on our way, 35 minutes. We'll be there. Go pick up Matt at the airport. I haven't picked him up at the airport since 1985. - I know, it's a throwback. - It's very strange. So he jumps in the car. So now it's me, Sara, Marty, Matt, happy family. We got a party. - Road trip. We got about 10 minutes at the airport. We're headin' west. Becca, I think she's gonna write. That was the most fun ever. I can't believe we're all best friends again. This is great. Marty's shoes are here. - Oh, fuck it, we're gonna target. - So I love to shoes 'cause it's one of these houses you gotta take your shoes off. - Oh, what are you, Asians? So I go, well that's his only pair of shoes. - Oh, we can pick up a shoe. - But we're already 45 minutes west. So I'm like, fuck me hard in the ass. So I go, okay, will you mail those shoes? Becca stands, I did a leave behind. - Sure. - So, okay, so now he's shoeless Marty Jackson. - Yeah. - So we drive out to Toledo and I haven't been to that funny bone since the '80s. Perry's Burg. - You're a shoe and last time I was at that funny bone, I opened for Chad Daniels and we went and saw the first Hunger Games together. - Oh my word. - What year was that? Can you look up what year the first Hunger Games came out? - Hold on, let me guess, 2011. - I was dating Sarah and I think still drinking, so I think you might be dead on. 2012. - Wow. - Okay. - I think I was newly dating Sarah. March 2012. - Ah. - Okay, yeah, there you go. - I started dating her in June, so we've been dating for nine months. - Hey, good movie. - 'Cause I remember making a couple comments about women. You know how you're like, look at this? Look at this piece of pussy. I wouldn't mind sucking that pussy lip. - Yeah. - And Chad's like, "Do you have a girlfriend?" I'm like, "Yeah." And he's like, "Oh, so what's your girlfriend like?" I'm like, "Sara Talamash." She's like, "I've been friends with her for 10 years." And then I'm like this, "Go!" And busted. Because I've been like this. How about we fuck her? I don't know if I can do her. And he's like, "You're dating my friend." I know, but I can still look at a lady, it's a look. - Exactly. - He was cool, but I got paranoid, but he's fun. - He's one of these good guys, you know? All right. - He's a great guy. - Great guy, stand up guy. - And he claims I buried him there, but I think he's very humble and sweet. - Most humble guy on the planet. - But I do remember having like a bit of a snap set. He was doing this during his set. He was going. - Hilt, he'll do what I was like. - 300 people in the crowd. And he was just doing that for like five minutes straight. - He'll troll ya. He does not give a fuck. I'm like, "Please like me," he's like, "blow me." - Exactly. - Yeah, he claims I buried him, but I think, wait, what? The episode's over? - I mean, he went to get coffee an hour ago. - I thought we were like halfway through. Seriously? - Yeah. - Oh, you're getting your wonky neurovirus break. - That's all right. - I haven't even gotten through any of my stories. - Why, we lost a shoe, you got no sleep, you did the funny farm. - I guess we had the brownies. - We had the brownie, I had a cookie. - I mean, that episode fly by, I like it. - We literally had two guys walk in at one point. - Oh yeah, it's good point. Too much was happening, I think, so much happened. - You're over tired. - Well, we'll give him extra, 'cause we had the brownie there, but so anyway, I mean, nothing, nothing crazy. Went to Toledo, that was fun. Ooh, then we did this Toledo show. Then we had to pack up and go to Columbus. - Good, God, this is an eventful weekend. - There was why, I mean, just car rides with the baby. So you have your like, your friend, your baby, your wife, trying to manage all of it. - I can't believe you didn't have a snap set. - No, they were all great. And then, yeah, I guess that was basically it. Oh, so this is the last thing. So, if you love this, we drive all the way from Toledo, Columbus two and a half hour ride. You know, we're blasting music, we're having fun. Marty's silly, Matt's great. Everybody's great. You just feel so grateful. And then also, of course, like, I just merged my family with my ex, girlfriend's family, which is a big, good, good, good, good challenge. But it was like, it was beautiful. Wonderful, everyone's happy, we're going back, it was great. And so you just feel like this sense of pride that we were able to do this. And then you got Matt joins the group. So it's like a different group now. - Give him five, good five. - Just great. The shows are all packed. The fans couldn't be nice, and the weather's great. So then, I drop off Sarah and Marty. Get them settled into the hotel. Okay, I got two gigs. And I tell Sarah, I'm gonna go over a little early. So Matt and I can go have dinner. And I just wanna be an adult, settle before the shows. 'Cause the other night, we had one show. Now we have two shows. So at two meet and greets and all that. So I'm like, we're gonna go over, have a nice dinner and relax. So I can feel like regular row. This is Friday evening. - And this is Columbus. - So we go to Brio, that restaurant. You ever go there? - No. - Italian restaurant's good. So we're eating, hi, okay, great. So we walk a couple laps, get some steps in. Get our Starbucks heading over the show. It's about 10 minutes for the show starts. Sarah calls, she goes, you got the wrong diapers. You got pull ups for potty training. Marty just pissed all over this bed. - That's why I went everywhere. - Yeah, she goes, she pissed all over this bed too. I just realized, these are the wrong diapers. We need diapers. - Oh God, this is my whole childhood, it's this bed wedding. - She's like, these aren't for through the night. And I'm like, but he's going to bed in 10 minutes. I have a show. She's like, well, he's gonna keep pissing on the bed. These are like underwear. - So I'm like. - Can you Uber? I know I'm not supposed to give you an example or give ideas, but do you get that Uber pickup, shit? You know what I'm talking about? - Maybe you can do that. I didn't even think it, I don't know how that works. So you know what I felt like, exactly like Ray Liotta, what you need to go to the hat. I'm like, what could I do? - Ah, the hat. - She won't fly without a diaper. So I go, all right, so it's like that close up shot of the key. I grabbed the keys. The show's starting. - There's a weird guy in a wheelchair mixing up a pot. - I go, I'll be right back. So they're like, we're starting and I'm like, well, just, it'll be fine 'cause I'm like, he'll do 20 plus 12. I got 32 minutes of show starts and 24 minutes. - You're looking out for choppers. - Exactly. It's funny, all right, it's funny. One of the great deliveries of all time. - Yeah. - But anyways, I jump in the car. I gotta run to CVS and it's like, down in it. That goes me. Down in it, in it, in it, in it, in it. So I go, get the diapers, run back. And it's the weirdest feeling when the show is going on. And I'm out and about. I'm out of register with diapers and my show's happening. - Kooky. - So I run back and I go, I text Sarah. I'm like, I can't even open the door 'cause I can't handle the, saying hello and goodbye. I have no time to hug or anything. So I literally leave the diapers outside the hotel room and knock and just run. - Oh my Lord. - So she won't see me. - I love it. - I run back. Matt literally has the light. I get back now, up and driving all day. I drove from Toledo to Columbus, the X, the shoes, and the shit in the pants, the piss in the bed. - What a saga. - I haven't even thought of anything and it just goes, here's your headliner. - Oh, what a dead of the year, man. - That was wild. And didn't get much of a thank you. But it was fantastic and I'm joking. She says thank you. - Show is okay. - Show is great. All the shows were great. It was a great weekend. - Do you tell the crowd? You guys all know what I've covered in piss? I've covered in jizz. I haven't had sex. I'm on no sleep. I've been at Toledo. I've been to Cleveland. I've been to Warren. - A little bit. - Okay. - There was a lot of riffing. It was fun. But great weekend. God bless Ohio. And I can't wait to go back to Cleveland. All you want to do is go to Holarities. But you don't want to hit the market too much. So I'm doing all these other things. - Right. - But I'm there in a month. - We'll be back. And then Sarah, I got to throw this out there. Sarah just booked, I booked her so we could go back out there. She's going to do a Sunday at Holarities June 29th, I think, in the big room. - Go see the lady. - One night only. So go to that. We'll be out there. It'll be fun. And anyways, we got to wrap it up. Get on the Patreon. We got a great Patreon. We're going to have Bill Burr is going to be on there. - Oh, LA, baby. Here we come. - We just filmed a bunch of behind the scenes at Sash. That'll be out there. You and I can do another, we'll do a behind the scenes of the live pop. - Ooh. - I love it. - That'll be big. We're going to really put some work on this Patreon. - Oh, it's the best one flying right now. - Absolutely. And Tom Dustin, portrait of a comedian. Of course, there's four specials of mine on YouTube. Tell them about all your stuff. - Yeah, I'm on Netflix right now. Check it out. Let's keep that thing going. Get some more Dagger Cat. Get on the Patreon. And I'm in Raleigh, Spokane again for the third time this year. Irvine, California, A, Chattanooga might have happened already. And some other stuff. Philly, Charleston, North Carolina, Charlotte. And what do you got there? - Charleston, Circle Hut. - Circle Hut, right? Charleston? Isn't that South Carolina? - Carolina, sorry. - Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. And more importantly, we're working on a very cool film project. We're looking for some final backers for this project. So if you want a DM me at discount, chuck on Instagram or Twitter to find out more about the project. If you get some cash sitting around, hit me up. And I'll show you some stuff. I'll let you know, I'll let you behind the curtain. Let you know what we're working on. And yeah, man, it's going to be a lot of fun. - All right, I'll take some cash too. Thank you folks. I'll see you in hell, quip it up, boy, oh, H. - I owe my dad a couple hundred. - Hey, ho, see you in hell, God wait. (upbeat music)