#653 Super Flu Jimmy Snuka

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hitter in the face of the surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah this Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey hey we're the monkeys it's early I'm girly and you're squirly Todd girly it's nice outside folks here's the thing about New York please here's where New York takes a throbbing cock and rams it into your ass that's what it does here that should be on the flyer the brochure fill it off your flyers well so it's miserable it's cold it's cloudy it's rainy it's snowy it's jizzy it's dark it's 4 p.m. for like six months oh yeah hell on earth then doot and doot here comes the sun the clouds fire the sky turns blue the sun comes out and every flower dick and harry leaf just spreads little anal shit right your eye my eyes are all itchy the pollen I'm walking around yesterday I'm like scratching my eyes with my finger like I got a rake in my eyes I want to just scoop them out I say give me the clouds and the rain and the snow because my eyes are tearing them out of my head I forgot about the pollen and the allergies Jerry it's in my hair it's in my foot it's on my nuts oh you need the Claret and D all right well Claret and D you got to be careful oh why's that you take the Claret and D 24 did that once it's like doing smoking crack oh it gives you a jolt Jerry oh I was jolted but you can do the Claret and D 12 hours take that early in the morning but I took the Claret and D 24 and I went into a loop of no sleep cuz I didn't read the small print or the big print is that the one in meth yeah I think I think it's behind a glass case like the chicken wings and so's the toothpaste now I mean it's all back there yeah that's everything diapers yeah you got to bring the doorbell yeah it's best but any parts yeah so I was itching my eyes out but it's supposed to be and how about this we're coming up on Patriots day I go every year the marathon the Red Star's game everybody knows I'm a survivor there you go I'm not gonna give up so we go to the game every year and every year you think this must be the year it's gonna be nice out crock but because it's 50 degrees it's raining it's snowing the old man is blowing yes so this year Wednesday 85 and Sunday Thursday 78 and sunny Friday 69 and sunny Saturday 73 and sunny six Sunday 62 and sunny I'll take you Monday 43 and cloudy no I'm like I you're talking me cock and you're right the Cooper it's a fucking four hour baseball game we're gonna be sitting there in 44 degree weather the team sucks yeah stupid 44 God damn what do you do get hit the fives give me a 50 over 50 I can I can hang well that's my cutoff under 50 is my winter coat oh 49 I go winter coat 48 winter coat 51 I'll go a layer yes yes it's amazing with that five can do to you but damn that sucks is you're out there three hours Jerry oh it's a long day and it's just and it doesn't matter it's kind of like when someone gets a scratch ticket and they're like I was off by one number right but it's a lot doesn't matter that's everything one number is everything it's the same with weather but somehow it does hurt that it's like but it's 85 two days earlier of course the same result yes what also feels because New York has a way of turning that knife it knows oh you got the baseball game today well we'll get them that day yeah see you later fatty but I'll tell this about New York and you know it as well as I was well as anyone you know for three months I'm like I'm getting out of here which by the way this Austin rumor spread Shane Gillis texting was like hey welcome aboard buddy and I was like oh boy it reached the top man the Gazette it reached the the top of the pyramid beep beep beep beep beep it's a bulletin big J is like what do you think in what do you do in he can't leave I'm like fat cut wet to Jersey he lives in yeah he lives in world the fun he shorts over in Hackensack so oh yeah though this is it so you're like I'm gonna leave I'm moving forget about it by me house print it sticking on the bumper sticker driveway fire pit backyard no taxes but then the sun comes out blue sky the women take their assholes out and you go what am I talking about I'm staying right here I wrote my bike all over town yesterday you know what it's like it's like in college I was dating a lady and she put on a quite a few LBs I mean she really ballooned like Oprah and I was like whoa this is this is quite a shift tectonic and then I was like I had a couple months with by I was like I don't know how to deal with this high-pretention high blood pressure she was in a rascal and then one day she's lost it and I was like I love you I fell back in love with her because she got thin right yeah why not you don't want to love a fat person no no I was feeding her cross-sense and and compote but now she's back and and it's like New York once once you lose the way you're like oh yeah I remember you well this is and we've talked before in the podcast everybody pretends they don't care about their partner's body do we I don't they act like you know as even women are like I'm not into muscle you're telling me I show up with fucking plate chest with the divider thing and abs and big traps you're gonna be like you're gonna be bummed out exactly yeah you got quads and huge guns they love a gun they want guns America loves guns yes school shooting this guy is a gun I'm sure of it a whole neighborhood back and oh boy this neighbor there was a cook over there and he's I mean I was in the phone with Danny Frankl and I was like I gotta start running and he's like what I'm like I'll call you back yeah this guy was tractor beam well Frankl's upstate yeah with his short ass I know he tries to get me to move up there oh see that would that would be feasible but you still got the taxes in the anal massive wild taxes horrible traffic and I want to be closer to the club not further away well oh I see because Austin Austin could be 11 minutes from the fucking whatever it's called mother mothership there you go all right well I don't know I'm gonna see it okay wow we got it there we go we got it on record not moving well talk I don't want you know the rumors are abound and we got time we'll figure that okay we'll see what happens but hey it's good to have you back we miss jiff but yeah this is gonna be a glorious summer the the boys are gonna frolic I took my kid of the park all Sunday we he's tan now we stayed outside from fucking noon till 8 p.m. it's good for the kids but here's the thing now with summer no when summer comes hot now you're like well let's live because you know people go out last to the comedy club the ticket sales go down a bit to summer so you don't tour as much so I'm like we'll go to Maine and then I'm going to California because I got offered to play in a baseball team again for a night which is very fun that's gonna be July 21st or something like that the white fish different than the white fish this time it's California well by San Francisco I forget the town the wildfires of the the hobos what's the tea the homos or the hobos both word the Mexicans who knows so I'll get the details so I'm going out there with town I can't remember okay sorry and then I gotta go see Derek out in Tacoma big D12 and then you start looking at all the things and then I'm going on vacation in Cleveland we'll get to that and then you'll read all the stuff yeah and you're like I'm home like four days during the summer well you're living that's true I am living you're living fatty we only got a couple of these summers left who the hell knows what's gonna happen maybe Iran's gonna blow us so that could be that could be fishy but what are you talking about we destroyed everything they have a year ago and three weeks ago and then six weeks ago then two weeks ago then one week ago but we're still in danger I'm confusing I'm the gay of Hormuz yeah I don't know what's happening very confusing what about war you learn about stuff I never heard of a Hormuz yeah yeah I know Hormel chili I know a couple horror mooses I fucked in college I didn't go to college please welcome sheet rocks to the stage from that Nick DePolo folks boy he's got a million good times good times a moose they say moose kill more people than sharks is that right I made that up but I would be willing to bet I'm correct well I think you hit the moose it goes to the windshield and you die and I know it sharks attack a lot of people maybe they don't kill so many they kill and you got to be out you got to be in the water with a shark a moose moose are everywhere there's moots on flat wish avenue I mean me sir old all over the town I think there's more sharks than there are moose moose are in like 10 places man Canada that's it hit me fatty what do you got on the mese yes moose kill more people annually than sharks do chocolate moose sharks account for a very low average of about four to six human deaths worldwide yearly see sharks are like cops everyone thinks they're killing everybody but I think it's just it's a stigma it's a But I think they bite so much they bite if you factor it's one of those things where it's like that one step If you factor in everything sharks are you're more people are probably getting attacked by sharks They're getting attacked by moose agreed, but now look up are there more moose or more sharks on the earth on the earth Well, yeah, what are we talking about fucking the moon America? But oh America, and how do you keep a track of a shark? How do you know how many of there are I'd be a shark in a well somewhere they know everything They use GPS or whatever. Okay, okay, the who team is the sharks? San Jose vastly more sharks. Yeah, because moose I think there's like 15 moose But that means moose are pretty violent if there's vastly more sharks and the moose are doing the Predominant amount of crime, but I think you hit a moose They don't just run up and start eating you does that count hitting a moose. That's got to be where all the deaths are coming from Well, it says they're super aggressive But if you're always that right that's what it says about moose. Yeah, so they run and hit you if you hit me in a car and you died That's not on me and then on the moose Okay, good point. I have a point. I don't know if I can look up that statistic You're lazy you can look it up. What are you talking about we're looking up if you die in an accident with a moose Does that count as a moose kill? That's right the moose is loose. All right. I'll ask chat gbt I'm chat gbt all day every day boy What do you love to get a record of some of the questions people ask that fucker? Oh, I'm sure there's a record alright Sam Altman has it all or whoever the fuck looks up with him banging his sister. You see all this I didn't see any of it I can't I'll send you a link fatty. It's ugly. Well, that's kind of fun. I claimed it to you, you know, hard Her so what do we got Chuck's guts? Oh, that was so hard. He's already got an answer. Look at this. All right It's not in an official sense a moose kill list, which is what I put in Usually means intentional kills. Wow, so Mesa are just like really attacking people. I think so. Yeah They they attack people that are going after their young, right? Moose Hunter they come after them. Wow. Who's wearing who's it? Who's provoking a young moose? What was the deal with the gun that Elmer fun have wear it like funneled out? There's like a big round circle. Yeah, what kind of gun is that? Is that a buckshot or it's a spread? It's like a spread shooter. Yeah, it looks like a like a trumpet. Yes. I remember that gun Like a suction cup. Yeah, and then you plug it. Yeah, or tighten or not That was big not I love cartoon physics. Yeah, cartoons are fun All right, I looked at what gun did Elmer fun fun have oh boy It says a double barrel shotgun. Oh, I thought he had one of the ones with a couple he and a couple of guns What was that look up trumpet gun or whatever suction cup trumpet? All right, all right We're using well. Sorry. Too much Google well Chuck this day doesn't want to work. Look at him. He's just 10 a.m First of all, I know Chuck. He wakes up at one p I know that because there's been about 12 incidents of someone calling me and being like hey Just so you know you said the n-word six times in this episode. Oh, yeah Chuck puts it out. So I got to call Chuck 50 times because straight to voicemail. Yeah, he snoozing wakes up at 2 p.m Meanwhile, I'm I'm sweating and I go on the phone with my my publicist my PR Tarded and whatever you a cut out here. Just you could just sleep in the office. He never have to wake up. Yeah, have a we should have like the red phone They have the red phone so and then I told you I hired him for a crew one of the biggest mistakes I ever made in my life For Skankfest. We have a zoom meeting. He's the last one on by 30 minutes. He's got one eye open late to zoom is bad Zoom late and then of course, we're like what who wants to film what Chuck's like I'll do the midnight to 8 a.m Shift because he's out squallin for bitches. Oh, you need the midnight guy. I can Salah queues. Steve gets tuckered out at six Salah queues rest in peace Salah queues. What did he die? I hope okay Salah queues three hours left in the festival. He's like, I'm out. I'm pretty sleepy. I'm like, okay big finale big concert Everybody's there. Everybody's partying with the with the music. God damn comedy, John. Everybody's crying emotions It's like take it easy. He's like, I'll I'll be in bed. I'll see you in the morning. Yeah, it's Woodstock and The stones are about to go on. He's like, uh That's it for me. All right. There's a second gun that he has. Yes, the suction cup gun says in some older Looney tunes gags. I'm a fun to show them with a blunder bus And an old fashioned gun with a big trumpet shape. Hey Trumpets supporter a blender bus. How about that? That that sounds like a that's a good term for a fuck up Oh, that's that's whole shows a big blunder bust. Yeah, blunder bust is big like cluster fuck. I want to come on her blunder bust That's a blunder bus. Yeah, blosie and you come on her tits. I like it. That's pretty good See in that funny that that gun was just live it in your head for a year just stored on there in your cloud The brain is so faceted Recall and then what you can't recall right people chuckle just tell me a memory about some guy I called ugly and he's like remember that I'm like no. Yeah, it was like three years ago I had the same thing And it's also funny when a horrible thing happens to people they can put it away Right, and then a therapist goes. Yes, you were dittled. Then they go you're right. I just remembered Well, I believe that's part of blacking out when you're drinking your brain is like he reached a point just We don't want to remember this right like I shit in a girl's shoe my some part of my head was like Well, he's much to take a dump in a shoe. Let's turn off the lights because we don't want him to live in his life thinking about this That's nice the body's very nice. It's it can be cruel. Sometimes you're laying in bed You're like oh, I did wet the bed that sleepover that was bad Sometimes it pops in but like Wait, I had a thing Sit on the shoe. Oh Like the shark attack. How many stories of the shark attack whether you hear the guy and he's like I fucking blacked out I don't I felt no pain. I was just trying to get out of there and you're like you felt no pain your legs hanging off And he's like I went in a shock. Well, it's like our pal Doug Smith He was attacked with a razor blade on a box cutter. Yes sliced his face like the Joker. The only exacto. He had no idea He was walking around. They were like hey, just so you know you fucking teeth are visible. That's right. Yes I told the story recently about Derek's buddy from school. He got shanked I just told a couple weeks ago and he was in a cab the guy's like get out your bleeding And he's like what are you talking about your bleeding is unbelievable spleen removed. They had to take a spleen out And like the garbage you had no idea women get mad how you didn't notice my hair cut bitch I didn't notice my stamp wound. That could be a bit. Hey, maybe we got something here. We're mining for bits. Yes Can I have it because Sam's calling me tomorrow to bounce bits Sam Morelli's like you want to bounce bits. I'm like I don't have anything. He's like that's okay I'll call you in 10 minutes. I'm like I can't bounce. I don't have a ball I got nothing. You got no ball. You're baldness. I'm literally walking around my house because he's calling in seven minutes I'm like picture frames plants. Why do you have a plant? Right audience plant fuck me couch Yeah, yeah, yeah, plan a seed boy plan a fasciitis. Hey plan her She's good. Yeah, but we'll get to that. Yes, please Hey fellas, it is time to level up your dick game get that penis harder than it ever has been Blu-choo gold nut silver nut browns bronze Not bronze nut silver gold. 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So as you know, we were supposed to do two two of these Beauty's last week and I got deathly ill with the super flu Super flu you guys were here super flu Jimmy Snucka. Thank God. No one caught it. Yeah, cuz That was I haven't had a sickness that it was like I had a ribbon going through me of poison I could feel the illness inside me usually you're queasy your head hurts. You're stuffy. This was like funky. I felt gross. I felt crummy. I can't even describe it like Covid you just feel shitty. Right. This was like I had some evil in me. Yeah, the spirits got you It got me Jack and I couldn't get out of it and so I've tried all the pseudofid blah blah I tried time. I tried this. I tried vitamin D. I tried just hot sauna Whatever nothing so I called my agent and I said hey Called my agent were my parents I text my agent. I go I'm sick. You guys make money off me. You got to help me out. I can't work Thank you. So he goes hang on I Have a doctor. Maybe I can get him to help you out. I go. Thank you. So the doctor texts me goes hey, I'm Whatever's guy these guys are very powerful these Jews and he goes. I'm John whatever is agent and What do you got hit me with the symptoms? And I went this this this this and he goes. Oh, yeah, I know this I'm gonna write you a script. Give me the address for the pharmacy Got the script Change my life. What do you give you? I got it up there. It's all these wacky Black people names, you know Fadabdu and seek a die and a mono-con Consumaycha Something like that and so what do you take a pill and then I mean this was a bag a bag a shit It was like a it was like Halloween. I had a this kind of pill He's like you take six of these a day Then you take one horse pill every two days. Then you take these rubbery ones every 10 minutes It was such an ordeal had to like memorize and and do all the the instructions But I hate to be this guy isn't it also time is also passing sure sure But I need your healing he said this thing lasts about two weeks. I'll knock it out in a week. Okay, so I saved a week Okay, you sound a little funky, but you look better. I'm I'm getting there. I'm still in the upswing But I'm at I'm at 85. Okay before I was at three. Oh Jesus. So I go to the pharmacy. Yeah I go to the pharmacy and I you know they don't know what's good. It's a shit show over there. There's 8,000 people in line and I go Hey my guy called it in and they go we don't have anything and I go hi said he called it in They're like no nothing under your name, so I texted guy. Hey, they don't have anything and he goes what I sent it in like two hours ago And I go yeah, he said he sent it in the go. We don't we have nothing sir, and they just want you to go away, right? So I texted again. They said they have nothing goes. I talked to Jackie Jackie and I go he said he talked to Jackie and they go Dr. Jackie Hang on here it is here it is Yes, but what are they doing over there? Well, sometimes I think I've had a similar thing at the pharmacy I just had this Similarly the other day I had to get a prescription for my my fucking wacky head Hmm, and it was the same thing not the same thing, but similarly when I get the phone call the automated we have a prescription I go over there. I go hey, I got a prescription here, buddy step on it. I got some wacky head the other night and they go What was his name? I go over there they go. Yeah, no prescription. It'll be ready about 20 minutes. I got the phone call I get the robot call and he goes well. I don't know what to tell you asshole. Yeah, and he goes it's gonna be 20 minutes Then I leave and then eight minutes later get the robot call again, and so now I'm all jacked up ready to like yes Yes, and I'll go hey, I got another robot call if you don't pull it out of here and he goes yeah, here it is But also you're like, but the medicine is here. You're not making the medicine. Exactly. Just giving them give them the medicine put it together So thank you to Jackie. Did you meet her? Jackie's the head hot show over there. She's the main coos in a lab code. Jackie so Here's the clinker the guy goes. Oh, I'll do it right now Jackie, you know, Jackie put the foot down. So he's just now he's putting all the pills and a whatever and The line is long. It's tense. Everybody hates everybody. The pharmacy is gonna close in 30 minutes. I was trying to get their shit. So this Is where it gets interesting. Thank God. The there's a old black guy shows up. He's gonna cane He's waiting in line and he goes Yeah, blah blah blah. Where's my stuff and the guy goes? Oh, that's not ready and he goes What do you mean it's not ready? I got the call whatever and he goes? Yeah, yeah, it's gonna be like another 30 minutes and the guy's like 30 minutes I've been here for like 45 minutes already and he goes. I don't know what to tell you and he goes Y'all need to grow the fuck up. He's yelling because you guys got to get your shit together. We ain't playing These are pills. This is people's health. This is heart medicine. I'm trying to get I'm trying to get heart medicine I could die tomorrow. You want to live with that? You okay with that and the guy's like, you know It's just a guy with corn rose. He's like I don't know sir I'm just saying I just and he's like you need to grow up. He kept saying that you need to grow up Which I love this is great. Your pharmacist has corn rose by the way. Hey, it's Brooklyn, baby Crazy things have hurt my life. I know it's it's wild over there. So The guy starts to grow pharmacist and then the kid goes we'll make it happen sir We'll make it happen. He like you need a drill sergeant every now that he was like a football coach He's like, I don't care what you got to do you got a scrimmage. We got to win this game I don't know what scrimmages. I was about to say those exact words. Yeah, so we got a scrimmage. It's let it's do or die What is that where you get together? Scrimmage is like a pretend game. Like a scrimmage is for fun That was exactly the wrong choice. Yeah. Yeah, so we got a super bowl. Yes playoff game There you go. This is the playoff. We got heart medicine here. This ain't no fucking D12 Like a scrimmage. This is the playoff. There we go So the guy goes all right. We got it. We got it sir hang on he goes you damn right you got it And he just sits there and waits and I was like I wish I was that guy because I'm going oh I heard Jackie. Oh, thank you guys. Oh, okay. It'll be right there. Oh wait, you know I'm that guy and this guy is like Tyler Durden. He's the guy I want to be I'm Edward Norton You gotta be motherfucker with the fuck. Yeah What the fuck what the fuck so this guy whipped the whole place in the shape air rides getting their pills They're throwing pills out and people are catching up in their mouth like seals. It was incredible like trump at the paper towels So I go home and I just start devouring and what I do and maybe this is illegal or unhealthy They say take five pills. I take ten that makes sense. I go. I'm we're putting this shit right my ass And we're getting this a it's out of here. Whatever the pharmacist says you double it. That's that's my rule I thought you're gonna say you chew him up a little bit. That's right when I took viking and I'd like to bite into I get that I'll snort a Musa necks so Got home took all the pills and you can immediately feel your body like whoa What's going on here? It's like I ran in America going at it. They're like rush you crane You can feel your your body's like I want to stay sick and the medicine's like fuck you. We're coming in It's like ice in there. Right, but later got shot in the face. It was crazy. I love medicine I'm a big medicine guy and one thing goes wrong I say give me anything to because I placebo effect alone is wonderful agree you just take a pill I'm like, okay, that's working. Yes Well, we talk about oh We got too much phones and we got too much techno. We all need to touch grass Everybody's to sit the fuck down and go thank God for modern men believe me. I think that's You're talking to the right guys when I'm in yelling at about all this shit the last five years He's fucking idiots act like oh my god. The FDA is this and that and this and that I'm like well. I've had it I take Tylenol you know who came up with that the fucking FDA. Yeah, whatever the fuck and they did it and be pharmaceuticals Be on top with any biotics. I mean Climidia all this shit You can just cure it like that like syphilis took down alcapone and Vaccines sure polio Jerry this Christ. Yes, Ralph Lauren polio the covid vaccine saved hundreds of thousands of people There you go. Thank you. So yeah, modern medicine. It's a god send and anyone who shits on it How about don't take it? How about you see what's this without right? We'll be over here popping bills or don't take it but then take other medicine all the time That's silly. Yeah, silly RFK I look the oxy cotton shit got bad, but that's a whole that's a whole different Bag of jizz absolutely. That's a bunch of greedy fucks who go hey with these Work lift drivers are really addicted here. We're making a ton of dough. I got a bag of jizz in my pants right now. Hey, all right so Good good news got the pills and Weirdly enough you were sick. You went to Florida. Yeah, I was sick and went to Florida Oh, yeah, we fought a lot of them back to back back to back now what tell me about the shows that they started on time or what? No, but the club. I've never had a club more Attentive they were so not almost to a fault with the guys like you need anything you need anything you know, I was like I'm good man. I'm good. Thank you. I'm just gonna sit here and tell jokes and eat a meal and then tell more jokes and then that's it Well, I just have I'm just talking about this and I might come off like a country. - Please, please, got to. - And hopefully not. But this is one of the hard things, and I was on the road with my family, which makes it harder, 'cause you're maybeing, you're chasing the thought thing. Sometimes you go to the club and I think people don't realize how badly sometimes, particularly when you have a child, but you just wanna be like, I wanna be like this. Just alone, drifting off into space. But sometimes you get to the club and you get in the green room, and then, of course, you're bumping into the fans and the way in. So you're like, you're walking in, which is very pleasant. Hey, how you doing? Thanks for coming. - I am. - All right, great, happy to see you. Thanks a lot, thanks a lot, thanks a lot. Photo, photo, all right, great. You get into the green room, you go, okay. Let's settle in, we got a big show, and then immediately it's, come on in. Hi, I'm the waiter, just wanted to let you know. I'll be working the thing. Do you want anything? You go, I'm good, I got the water. You got the berries. Thank you so much. Appreciate it, I might water later. Okay, great, see you later. Okay, so we got one, hey, I'm the sound guy. How much time will you be doing? Okay, what kind of song do you want? Okay, great, that sounds great. Thank you, thanks so much, appreciate it. - Yes. - Hey, I'm the MC, how you doing? - All right, great, great, it'll be great. And then you go, hi, I'm the General Manager. Do you want me to make a check? And you go, go, go, I know, I just want to sit in a room, violently, and prepare, go over your material a little bit, and it's a lot of, do, do, do, do. And all those things are necessary, but I don't think they realize, 'cause the sound guy's like, I just went in once, what's the problem, you're like, I know you went in once, but it's 17 guys in a row, and I'm one guy. And here's my other thing, and this might sound crazy, but I'm like, don't knock, just walk right in, 'cause I'm not gonna be jerking off in here, I'm not gonna be saying the end word in here, I'm just chilling, the knock actually spooks me. I'm like, ah, and then you gotta go, come in, and they can't hear you. - Right, right. - It's always come in, so just pop in. That's how I feel. Just the flavor of your way right in. - Yeah, and I know, and look, this Fort Lauderdale Proof great club, Leo was awesome, Brandon was awesome, everybody was super cool, but you need the light, that one club with that light on, that you know, can flip a light, and that means come in, and then the light's off, I'm good. - That's smart. - And then the club, I think Spokane has that, and a couple other ones. That is the most, every club got a video thing, every club got a clock, every club got a, whatever. Give me the fucking light outside the green room. - That's good, that's big. - Yeah, that's nice, but yeah, it's a lot of like, hello, okay, yeah. It's kinda like when you go to a restaurant, and the waiter comes over too much. - Too much. - And you're like, we, I tried to have a conversation. - Yeah. - I got my food, that's it. - Right, right. You know what's the weirdest when you go to a restaurant, and there's the guy just staring, he's got no other tables, so he's like 10 feet away, like, - Like Babui. - Yes, yes. - No, what's the guy's name? - Not Bababui. - Bababui. - Yeah, Babu. - Babu, yes. - Bababui. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, great weekend, got some sun, took it easy. You get why these guys do a man cave. - Oh my God. - You know, like, I was always like, who these fucking dorks with their man keys? Oh my man, I got to have a cave with a popcorn machine and a pinball thing and a whiskey. I get it now, you gotta get away. - That Nathan for you, where he has the man cave thing, he's watching old football, that is, that's one of the funniest things in the whole town. - Yeah, he's a genius, that kid. - Yeah, no, that's why I want to move. I want a cave, baby. - Well, I want a cave. - A basement in Texas, but you know what I mean. - A room, a man. - A man room. - Yeah, and Frank. - Yeah. - Man room, yeah, make it a room, 'cause cave is gay. - Well, I got you Ben Lund. - So much artwork I collected over the years. I can't hang on my wife, so we can't just have a frame photo of Philip Seymour Hoffman, what do we do? And I'm like, well, I like the hoff. - I like the hoff, that's why this office is key. Nobody wants this fucking Cosby photo on the wall, but I do. - Office. - Hey. - Philip Seymour Hoffman. - I love it. Hoffman space. So now let me throw this one at you. So with all the pill and take and all the trying to get healthy, I'm still like, guzzling, gatorade and electrolytes at all. I'm just trying to flush, flush, royal flush. - Got to. - So I was on stage, now how about this? I'm popping fruit, I'm eating veggies, trying to get any fiber and jizz in my ass. I walk out on stage and I go, - Oh boy. - I got the hiccups. I had the hiccups for an hour. - Hiccups and down syndrome. - I've never had, I've been doing comedy 20 plus years. I've never had hiccups on stage. Now I'm up there going, so, you know, and then the chicken, the road. It ruined every joke. It hits you right at the bad timing. You know you go, and then two jizz walking a bar. It just kills it. - Well now also, you're in your head about when it's coming. - Yeah, it's, damn. - You can't plan it. - Can't you drink water? If I drink a bunch of water in a row, it might hiccups go away. - Well, half the set turned into me going, how the fuck do I cure this? 'Cause at first, he always was like, this is hilarious, look at this idiot. He's hiccuping and then after a while, they're like, this is kind of, you ruined it. Like, it's over and I'm like, I know what you're doing. So how do I get rid of it? They're like, jug water, so I'm up there. So now, it's a hiccup fest. And it's not even a show anymore. The show has become curing my hiccups. And one guy's like, you gotta scare yourself. I'm like, okay, great. - Yeah, that's quite a hiccup. - Yeah, so that was a doozy. And then here's the fucking jizz of it all. I get off stage, cured. - Went away. - Of course. - Went away, an hour. - Wow, it's like the opposite of stage health. We talk about stage health. - Would you feel queasy or gay or nauseous? You have to shit, then you go on stage, it just goes away. - That's a percent. - This is the reverse. - Yes, yes. - Had it only on stage. - Boy, you don't realize the pausing, the timing. How many little moments you need up there? 'Cause one, one, we'll just ruin a whole joke. - I know, I lose my voice about once a year. When you do, it's just you're like, you don't realize how much power is in your vocal. - Yes, you got the ups, the downs, the cadence, the octaves. - Meeps and the sweeps and the beeps. - Yeah, yeah, so the Hiccup never had it. Nightmare, but I'm glad I hope I got it out for the next 20 years, 'cause that was hell. - Wow, I wonder what caused it. What do we know about Hiccup? - What causes, what brings them back? - I think it was like an air bubble I swallowed or swallowed some semen, something, but Eric swallwell. I don't know what it was, but it got me, Hiccup me, Fanny. - I remember seeing a story about a guy who had Hiccup's for like 11 years or something like that. - I saw that. - I saw that. - I saw that. - That is a, that's, it's like a hex. It's like a witch winner. (laughs) Hiccup, bitch. - You shamed me. - Yes, yeah. - You got that movie? - Drag me to hell. - Sam Raimi, you shamed me. - Ah, it's a good movie. - It's fun. - I don't know that one, drag me to hell. - Yeah, it's fun. It's got that guy that's in all the horror movies and then that other lady who could hack the house in Lohman. - Just in Lohm. - Just in Lohm. - Just in Lohm. He's in all the horror. He was in Barbarian. - Yeah, he's fun. - He is fun. He's having a good time out there. - Yeah, exactly. - He's not like the most famous guy, but he's, he's around. - Yeah, same initials. - How's me? - How about that? Long fellow. - Something. - Yeah, something there. - That's a lot ahead. - So I had to get that out and then I had a nice flight home. I've been doing the, it's funny how you learn things as a youth and you go, that's crazy. And then one day you become that guy. - Absolutely, that's my whole life. - Yeah, like, I was sitting at the hotel on Saturday and I'm like, my flight's at like 11.30. I'm not gonna get back to whatever to something. Why don't I move my flight up and get like the 8 a.m. flight? - Yeah. - And I can be with the boy longer. I can be in New York longer, be my house longer. So I just change it. And before I was like, oh, 8 a.m. flight, give me the, give me the noon. - Right. - And now I'm like, let's back her up and get home. - And the first flight, the planes there waiting for you. That's the key. When you book the 11 or the 12 or the one, that plane is coming in from somewhere else. - Oh, I never thought about that. - So you got to, that's when all the flights get to live. The first flight out is usually not fucked up. 'Cause it's there the night before. - 9/11. - Your plane is there. - Got it. - I never thought about that. - I flew in the 11.30 this past weekend and you get to the airport and you go to your gate and there's no plane there. - Really? - No fucks. You go like, where's your plane? It's on the way, but anything could go wrong. They could crash. You know planes. I remember one time we were at the airport and you're like, what is this, the EJ71? I was like, EJ71, I looked up. - That was the style of the plane. - Oh, the CRJ900. - There it is. - CRJ900. - Well, the CRJ900 is key because they think, they try to tell you your suitcase won't fit. - Oh. - But I know it fits. - Fucking charlatans. - They try to fuck you. And a lot of times it's because they're the gate agents. - Yeah. - The gate agent's not in the plane. They're up at the front. - Yeah. - So it's one of these things we talk about sometimes. Where you're like, you actually know better than the employee. - Why do they not want you to bring a bag on? - I don't know. They do this and Matt Wayne has a solid tank. Cause he flies at me, but he's in zone 1100. - Sure. - And they do this to him every time. They go, all right, you got to check your bag. You're the last one on. You've fat fucking piece of shit, homo. - It's been there, yeah. - It is like Jesus. What's with the animosity? Like your zone 12, we get to kick you in the dick and slap you. - I'm hard. - So they take his thing, then he gets in the plane. And it's just rows of empty stuff. - All the time. - Cause they're not even communicating with the gate agent. The gate agent is just some Nazi piece of shit. - Right. They get off on that. - Exactly. - A lot of baggage. - Well, it's, I used to fight with them. One time I snuck it on. I was a highlight of my life. - I've done it a few times. - It's the best feeling. And then you get there and it's open air. - Yeah. So they go, well, they go. This is the CRJ 900, your thing's not gonna fit. And you just, you don't want to be a cut, but you're like, I've flown more than you. - Seven thousand times. - Yes. - And then I go, okay, and then give him the pink tag. I take the pink tag and I walk on the thing. And I go bloop and I just take it in there and I always want to leave the plane to walk up the front and go I just so you know my suitcases comfortably in the fucking thing. I do that every time I want to I always want to go bet me Let's bet. Yes. Is that go this? Good luck with them. Yeah, I'm like it's exactly a box. They do that. They go. Okay. Well, you can try But you're fucking I go well I flew here on the same fucking aircraft The what what do you fly it over kind of equipment equipment? I flew on the same equipment Yeah, and then they give you this one sir sir That's only shut you down sir. I'm like that don't sir. Yeah, I'm right you're wrong. Blowing me sir. Don't serve me White flight Hey there folks. It's time to upgrade your quote Jim close Fabletics new VIP membership is the best way to get new athletic and lounge wear It's crazy how much Fabletics stuff I have they sent us a ton of stuff Oh, yeah, then I went and bought a bunch of stuff. 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I'm in love with everything And I literally wrote to our lady Fanny. I said send me anything because I love it all. I love it to it I wore my special. I'm like put together whatever you want because I know that I'll love it It'll fit well and it'll be comfortable. I can't say enough about these guys can't go wrong Fabletics already has Incredible deals, but we've got an exclusive offer for just for the Tuesdays with stories fans You can get eighty percent off everything when you sign up as a VIP just said to Fabletics dot com slash Tuesdays Take a quick style quiz and be sure to select Tuesdays when prompted to unlock your 80% off. That's Fabletics dot com slash Tuesdays Hey folks, if you like nicotine you'll love Lucy Lucy makes premium nicotine pouches and nicotine gum try Lucy breakers So nicotine pouch with a powerful flavor capsule Lucy's nicotine strengths range from two to 12 milligrams with flavors like apple ice Espresso berry citrus and mango We love Lucy. I love it for the jolt. I do it when I write I do it when I work out It just gives you a little pep and it tastes good and it goes down easy Lucy's the only pouch that delivers long lasting on demand flavor get 20% off your first order when you buy online at Lucy dot CO slash Tuesdays with promo code Tuesdays if you don't want to wait check out Lucy's store locator To find Lucy's Near you and grab it today. Here comes the fine print Lucy products are only for adults of legal age Every customer is age verified warning this product can names nicotine nicotine is addictive chemical get some Lucy. Thank you so Then I got I got a I got a Hit you with this, but I don't want to give it all away Give it away. All right. Give it away. Give it away. Give it away. Now. Oh Yeah, so I Got the the beamer. Uh-huh. It's in the garage right over there as you know I got a call from the garage owner. Oh boy. Not good. Not good He loves the beamer. He wants to buy the beamer. He's like a guy lusting after the wife where he's like you guys divorced yet You done oh, and I'm like he's obsessed with the beamer. He's always like hey Beamer you still liking it. Yeah, take it off your hands. Good price. I love of classic. I'm ripping it So we got a good rapport me the the the garage owner. He's like the Jackie of barking garages. Yeah, so he's Jackie Car Jackie so nurse Jackie. I go. What's up there Carlos? And he goes Carlos is his name. I know. It's unbelievable. Pretty good car. Yeah, not bad. It's like a like a librarian named cone. No way Bookman. Yeah. Yeah ice cream man named cone. How about a library named Paige? Hey Paige Bookman. Paige book. Okay, so I go what's up car and he goes I gotta I gotta tell you man your car has been in there a minute. It's filthy You gotta go wash that car and I was like oh geez wash the car. What do you give a shit? It's in the garage. He loves the car I know but I'm like Wash it. It's my fucking car. What if I want my car dirty? Yeah, I mean, this is crazy I was like what do you give a shit that my car's dirty? And he goes well people are drawing dicks all over it You know what the finger? What's I'm like? Hey, this is America people are gonna draw dicks on things Yeah, I love dicks. That's why I've been drawing dicks on cars since I was eight forget about drawing dicks people chop their dick right off People are taping dicks on and cutting dicks off. I don't know if he's aware of that yet When he finds out about that he's killed himself. We are liberal with the dicks here. Yeah, literally I bought a dick. I went to the store and bought a dick. Oh, that's right. Yeah. That's a big dick. Absolutely this. So uh, I go Well, I Don't get the logic here and I think you're overstepping wow a little. I didn't say that But I had a feeling I was like you need to grow up now, but I was like okay He's just like I'm just saying you gotta wash his car. It's filthy and I'm like What's your fucking garage? Why's your garage so filthy? Why's my car getting so dirty? Whatever Yeah, you wash it. Yeah, it's in your garage. You're upset about it. Why don't you roll the old hose over there and spray it exactly there Those before hose so Jose I go Carlos so I go hey no way Jose, but I happen to be Taking the car out tomorrow to go to Jersey for the game We'll get that later And he goes well just say if you take it out hose that cleave down way because it is uh it is I was like all right easy there Chachi So uh Chachi BT Yes So uh rumor has it that the wife is playing in her second league game as goalie. Whoa over in Jersey So I said you know, let me be a good hub. I'll go watch. I'll support. I'll be out there with a second What do you call that credit pen it? I'll be out there with a penit and Routin and hollering and I'll see in Jersey and she goes oh my god That would be great. I would love to have you there and I said I'll take the night off. I'll get the beamer I'll hide tail up there to hack and sack who needs a house out and hack and sack Is that all you get for your money? So I get the car out last night she goes up early because she wants to do warm-ups and all that I'm like I'm not watching the warm-ups. No, so she goes up early takes the train Try to get so many miles hack and sack is from this exact seat Hack and sack is a ways It's a little bit west there a little north west. Don't think you can uh google if you don't if you don't believe Google maps. I'm going to say mileage 18 miles. Hey 14 okay pretty good pretty good pretty good 14 miles is nothing It should be nothing here. It should be nothing six days. Yeah. No, this is why I want to move Exactly which by the way I think I'm going to tell you a quick quick side note. I was doing a joke about how far away my doctor is from my house And uh the joke is supposed to be man I travel so far because my doctor's hot and I go that my doctor's like six miles from my house Which in New York City that's hilarious Six miles in New York City is like crazy that you would never go six miles to go to the doctor Afghanistan and I did it in wherever a Columbus or something it was just Yes Stones through there out most places America your doctor can be 22 miles away easy because that takes 24 minutes to get to normal so I was like, yeah, my doctor look at this he's six miles away I'm only kidding. That's crazy and they're like six miles. That's like closer than my doctor is exactly Yeah, yeah, so 14 miles should take 20 minutes easy It takes an hour 12 And I have to avoid tools because I'm riding dirty with no insurance no registration And it's a classic car That's true good point. So I get the car out of the old garage Starts right up this car. I gotta tell you it runs like a canyon. It's unbelievable. It says 53 Year old car. It's so good. These Germans. They know how to kill Jews So I get the car I get it out and I hop it over to the old Soap and suds now how dirty is the car let us know is it like black face dirty or is it like it's to dusty It looked like Kimmel in the 90s. I mean this thing was Covered and when I say there was some Some pornographic photos on there. My god Swastik is it looked like post-molones face. I mean it was all wacky with cocks and boobs and a wash me and n-word all kinds of wow It was great, it was, it was a thick. Viscous it was a quite a shellacking So I get it out of there. I get it to the the the wash and it's a bunch of like I guess Nigerian guys And they're like whoa, and I go don't you hate this when the there's a language barrier I go be gentle on the side view mirrors. They're really they're really loose and old and and wonky and the guys like I go just just watch the side view mirrors and they're like We got a twelve dollar twelve dollar and I'm like I've seen like if this thing flops off this car's Way worth it's worse. It's worth less. Right. It's not worthless. It's worth less So I'm like I'd love to just keep the side view mirrors on and all it takes is one sentence, but they don't listen So of course the side view mirror falls off. Yeah, I know we sent it through the the flappies the labias Whatever those are there's such a primitive thing these flaps. I should have just done the foamy Yeah, you know with the stick. Mm-hmm, but I couldn't find that guy. But of course, they clean Rupert. Yes. Yes. Yes They got Kate's his face is a piece of pulp. Yeah, this is really the morning bad weekend. I'm good I don't get it. They'll actually tell us. That's a good point. We got a show to do here. So So the side view mirror falls off and I go you fucking Purse-selling Nigerian cut. So whatever I put the side view mirror now I'm on my hands and knees with a fucking eyeglass Two driver put the mirror back on but now it's It's using the whole ride. But whatever the car is spotless. I wish I could show it to you I almost parked it out here, but they can't park on Tuesday So I drive that puppy on the FDR and I'll tell you it's a bitch It's unbelievable that people drove this thing in the 70s. Right. It's great like old ladies drove this car and her Stop start stop start. I'm on the Brooklyn bridge like weaving around traffic. I'm stopping. I'm starting going up hills. You have to like You know that whole thing we have to like Keep it moving. Yeah, we roll backwards and hit the guy behind you. Terrifying. It's crazy that everyone in America did that for a period of time It feels like riding a horse and that would have been one of the nicer one I know like Eldorados that wears 75 they're just driving boats hoopties Yeah, yeah, but it does feel very it feels like a horse So you have to maintain it you have to hold your incomplete control. I have no power steering. It's crazy But finally you get there and you do have some moments where you're on the FDR and you got to give the the river next to you You see that Pepsi Cola sign the sun is setting. It's a beautiful thing. Oh, yeah, it's nice out here It's the greatest it really is. Yeah, so I'm high-tailing it right when you get to Jersey It's like everything's easier. Yeah, you get through that toll and you're like oh, no the road opens up the streets are paved and You just high-tailed through hacky sack hack and sack and I got to the rink and that's a whole no this door. How are we looking here? Sweeties 48. Oh, okay. All right. You want to tell it or what? Well, it's not that crazy. Well, yeah, bring us home I got I'll save my stuff for the next day. Okay. You know old Jed's a millionaire. Well, first let me apologize to Florida What happened to Florida? Well, I'm I'm out of material. I got the special out two weeks ago and I feel bad These people come out and then sorry, I don't throw in that in randomly, but I just want to say sorry What do you do with the new material? How do you do it? I don't release until I have 30 minutes That's one of the problems with Netflix. They decide to release exactly. I hold on to it. That's smart I put it in that can I shove it right in my can. I'm like fucking you know Christopher walking and pulp fiction. It's in my ass I got the watch up there until I'm ready to take it out So I got to make sure I have at least 25 30 before I put it out that smart boy that I wish I'd done that But don't you find that when you have the hot hour? You just want to run it and then you kind of get not lazy, but you go I'll come up with new later Of course, I'm like that right now. I'm like I'm just doing the jokes. I'm now sick of them even though they're not even that old Right, we do so many shows. I know. I have jokes. They're like literally five weeks old And I'm like oh god this piece of shit. Wow ideally you could tell a joke like 12 times I don't feel like uh, let me get rid of that. Tell that to Jerry. I mean that would be ideal But but he's a different kind of guy. Yeah, I just always feel like a fraud because I'm like I've told this before it's stupid You know they've never heard it. They've never heard it and it's gonna take a while to get a new one as good as that So you might as well ride into the sunset. I know of course But yeah, it's high. It's a hard transition. Especially when you're doing real shows. Yes That's the thing. I'm not built for these Chris rocks and Louise I'm not saying I'm them but they go up with the notebook and they're like I'm a big comic You're you're you're happy to see me work out. I don't have that gene I'm like I'm sorry this sucks. I got a notebook. You paid a ticket. You got a babysitter and I'm up here going That needs an ending. Oh, that's not there yet. Right. Oh, I hate it Well, they also get to like legend status. That's right. We have I mean you have a very big following But it still feels like a cult following in some way. Yes. Yes. You're like when you come out of the cellar It's not like oh my god. Exactly. It happens. Right. They're like. Oh sweet. Yeah. We love this guy And I have this thought the other day and tell me where you at on this fatty These guys we don't really go as you guys are the class you List soda Sam Shane all these you guys are the guys right now you guys are the the Louise are the birds of the old whatever And you go I don't know because think about like Jerry He has the greatest show of all time then he has commencing car. He has movie Chris rock has 11 movies. He has a Five amazing specials. They have a body of work. We got some YouTube stuff. We got some clips. We got podcasts We never have the Louie has movies. He had the TV show. He had lucky Louie These guys did big things that we've not even come close to doing but the times have changed show to the fan I agree and I feel the same way but the fans perspective They're like this guy Tuesday's with stories. We might be drunk Fucking the storytelling. All right. This is not happening holy shit. This guy's crazy Conan Right there looking at you go. I think maybe I mean how do you compete with a sitcom that was on for nine years that was award-winning? And you're thinking of born in 1983. These people are born in 2004. That's true like sitcom is the stupidest thing They've ever heard of that's true. They like uh, you know Morning show antics. They're like did you see what he came in the girl's tits? What she wasn't expecting it That's true and how many guys do we know that are in eight movies, but that doesn't move a ticket right exactly So that the game has changed I guess. All right. That's a good point. By the way side note I can't tell you how many people come up to me and to go dude fucking Tuesday's with stories. We might be drunk I love it. I'm like I have nothing to do with that I leave it out of the future. I go the other day was like do it. I go, oh what what what what I can never remember I bowdeck do I got fucking bowdeck a cat man. He's like fucking hey you get that. I'm like, okay Constantly I guess That you do a great dude but dig a cat. We might be drunk fucking love your shit. I'm like, thank you. Wow Appreciate it. I'm the I'm the guy behind the guy. Yeah, I think there's a lot of lumping with these quiche Big lump big lump, but I think they're also drunk and nervous. Yeah. Sometimes the thing comes along exactly exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right Okay, so I get that to bad friends man Bobby Lee like you just naming a guy Well, I think if I met Jerry and I was like, oh my god, Seinfeld mad about you huge fan Tell me why okay, so I had to get that out. Thank you for appeasing sure I love to appease now now pull it in the hackie second You see the rink and you know, it's fascinating about this rink is like this kids coming in there with the big bags And the stick over the shoulder and you're like, wow, this is like this is their comedy club Right, you get into the ring. It smells weird. It's got that funky equipment smell There's like a mom walking around with a kid. There's a lady behind a glass selling pop tarts and popcorn And there's a rink over here. There's three big rinks and as bleachers And you can just watch your kids play and there's a guy with a clipboard and a guy with a whistle and you're like There's a whole world here that I don't think about and then you go look at this kid carrying this giant bag This seems like hell this kid's never been happier. He's loving it. He's in his favorite place in the world And I go I would never want to come here. Yeah, it's how it's like a comedy club. Well, it's a fascinating thing I talked about this all the time what like I'm watching the bowling born to bowl. I want to do I can't believe how many people A bowl with two hands like blew my mind. That's a new thing with Belmo started that right? It's like half the people are bowling two handed. It's crazy. I think it's a better system But uh any phrase but you think about like these people have made bowling their whole life And then they make chest their whole life. Yes people that make fucking ping pong their whole life And we we did with I think it's better to have something Like that and go all in than have zero. Well, I talked to Alan our therapist and he was saying this yesterday because my thing is There's like 50 things I want to do so I'm putting like a little bit of effort into mandolin mixed martial arts comedy Documentary writing acting. Yes hiking tennis golf I'm doing all of these things. You know, I did golf and I'm like I golf when I can I had no idea So I'm like, oh, I just want to do all these things a lot of time and he's like that's good He's like you have many you have too many interests. He's like yeah, I can't tell you how many people here It's sitting in my office that go I don't have I don't want I don't know what I want to do kill for one thing. He's like half the people in here more than half He's like that's what we're talking about a thousand. I want to do. I have no fucking interest in anything Yeah, no, I think that's a you're in a great spot. Right. So there you go. I am her being 20 20 years old 19 years old just call it just drinking my face off and my dad was like you need a thing You're rudderless. You're all over the place and I was like I live in live I'm trying to get laid and drink and drunk with my friends and I don't even talk to those guys anymore Right, you know, but I once I found comedy. I was like, that's it. Be line It's a crazy thing about friends. You have friends that stay forever Then you have other friends that come in and come out. Yeah, but there's all the time the people I talk to most and see the most They won't even have my wedding which was nine years ago What a right here. Well, it's you know, I'm on the road with Matt Wayne Constantly he went at the wedding, huh? No, because we want that tight then Karen is like over our house all the time We're neighbors. She wasn't at our wedding. He'll like look moaness. I'm on the road with him He wasn't at my wedding. I didn't even know him sure so it's interesting how you have different times in your life Then you have people that you're like, wow, I wasn't even talking to that guy. Yeah, that's true. It was I didn't even know him Now I feel like I see him every single day. Yeah, that would have been my shaking of my nightmares So yeah, you kind of go and we talked about this with neighborhoods too. There was like a period where I was in the East Village every night. Yeah, for six years straight. Yeah, or Midtown The world Barcelona bar. I haven't been to either of those neighborhoods now since I don't know it now No, and you're not you don't miss them either. I'm not like, oh Midtown. Those were that was a wild time Yeah, I don't want to go there. Yeah, well, I haven't been to 48th and eighth and yeah, yeah, right All right, so I pull into the rink and you see all the kids and you you know It's a night. It's nice. You get out of New York and everybody's normal everybody's nice normal and just easy to talk to yeah Everybody's on edge. They got a machete in their hand. I'm donnies up their ass. That's political. There's this It's just you get there and you're like, oh, that's rink three and you're like, oh, this is nice It's your blood pressure goes high. No, this is from time. No, no, you got to move. I was just I told I will tease this But I was just in Cleveland with the family and like Sarah's like I'm a new orange there I just hop in the car a dropper. I know I text my friend. I'm like you up. Yeah, we're up. I go over there We hang out me Marty and the kid we're running around and then they go I got to go get Sarah I hop in the car five minute ride leave the baby. She hops in we drive back to our buddies. Oh, let's go swim Let's go swim drive over the pool. We're all swimming. Yeah, fucking if I want to go Drop someone off here. It's the day. I know. That's true even just to pop over to like Karen's house is my neighbor. I got to take a 11 minute elevator ride a 14-minute walk If you got what you do with the baby another 20-minute elevator ride. I got a bump into four dogs right right out there You go I'll hop in the car. I'll be there in three minutes. Yeah, and New York is a video game on difficult all to tell you're always Un-difficult great analogy metaphor whatever the fuck whatever it is Meta-five Meta-world space so Yeah, so everything is a thing and I watched the lady play hockey. She's a little injured But she's it's crazy. I walk in and you see a full game with refs is the fat guy behind the booths going like quarter one, you know score or whatever Scrimmage and Scorra scrimmage and so then you know it's like And the whole team gets together you got the guys jump it over the wall back over the wall and they're all in Uniform and she's at the goalie thing with the ponytail coming down. Wow. That's hot. It was hot It was cool and she's squared up, you know, and she's ping-ping do it. You know, I think they're all coming down towards her Wow, I want to jump in it help. It was it's a weird thing to watch. Wow. That is exciting. How'd she do? Well, she was hurt so it was a tough game the first game they won then this one they lost but she she hung in there Was a really high scoring game and the other team was very good. I was like these guys are ringers, right? But rinkers. Uh-huh. There you go. So Ranked in so then I'm standing this door. This door to sit. So I'm just standing on the board just watching and one guy goes You want to you want a beer or something and I go yeah, and he goes go get a beer. It's in the cooler. So I go Where's the green room? Oh boy, that was bad. That's embarrassing and then I go get a beer I come back and they were very nice And I can tell one guy was like that's that's the comedian. He's a comedian. Wow. So the wife at a good point She was like I must be the weirdest person alive I'm like they would need it a goalie. They hired a random lady from New York City to show up They don't know anything about her. She's a goalie. She's a young lady. She's a mom then all of a sudden her husband shows up He's a comedian on Netflix. Right. What the fuck is going on with this woman? Yeah, that's very straight Yeah, celebrity husband lady who's injured right right is a lot going on here and the guy comes over the beer He's like what did I miss and you're like the producer just call the penalty and Because that's the only one I had lined up. I should have to well, then here's the worst part the guy goes Hey, you're your comedian. You got to give us a speech. We need a little pep talk and I was like oh, no So you go stand up and you got to do it. So I'm like oh god, so I noticed on the drive in I saw like 20 people with her jobs And I go Well, we're gonna win this game. This town's going Muslim and we got to get it back. Are they all wet? I don't know what I was thinking. I saw like 10 of jobs on the drive over. I wasn't prepared and they were like What's up with this guy? They gave them the jobs report. Yeah, yeah, I did a bad a job and They're taking our jobs and then they went and played and I was a real gay when I was getting in there Every time she would block a thing. She had a one block right to the right to the tip. Oh wow And she took it like a champ, but I was like, oh my god. You feel I feel for I don't know how these parents do it Where they're out there with the kids? Wow, I wanted I mean, I would never stop bringing this up during sex I'd be like kick save and then eat me out Scrimmage. Yeah, scrimmage me and the scrimmage on my back So, yeah, so it was a wild game and then they do the shake, you know, and they all good game good game It was really cool and you get it. You're in there. You're like come on Hit him in the jaw and I picked him in the ball then they all leave they go to their locker room She went say they threw her in a broom closet because she's the only lady right she changes and we they we had a beer and I met everybody and we drove home and got home in like 34 minutes. Wow That sounds like a hell of a night. It felt great because you drive at home, and I'm like we're like normal people You went to a hockey game. Yeah, I'm driving a car home We're gonna park the car. We're going back to our house on a Monday night It felt you know felt like we were in normies. Yeah, that sounds made mark normies. There you go Well, there you go. That's a hell of an episode if you ask me that's good stuff and Good for you good for her. I mean, she's walking with a walker up there with the tennis ball. She's She's Mitch McConnell needs a nice bath, but Canaan anal great to be here. By the way, it's 11 o'clock in the morning. This is crazy. I know We're done with an episode. It's 11 15. I've never had this in my life. This is my kind of day. Well, yeah All right, when does this come out? I have no idea April 27. Oh, okay, hey, we're gonna wait next week I think it's sold out but get excited for this live podcast at the improv. There might be a few tickets left And if you didn't get the tickets, you're missing out because we have a mount rush more legend. Yes. Do we say do we hold? I think we could say all right. You say well, he's got The first name same initial as the last name. Okay. Okay. Yeah. He's a guy's last name is Goes down in history with political americana. Uh-huh, right? Sure Aaron Aaron Burr. Yeah Is the guest we got Aaron Burr flying out. It's gonna be awesome. No, we got Bill Burr on the live part. How about that? Look at that I mean that the improv's not big enough to hold this guy. It's gonna be crazy I took a wild swing. I can't believe he said yes. I shit my pants. Call it a love story. He'll probably cancel big swing Don't cancel Billy. We need you. We've already put it out there. Yeah, we got Bill Burr on the show and That'll be someone else this YouTube is gonna go through the roof right to the moon and We'll put a little on patreon too. I'm thinking you better believe it fatty. You got to do it. Sorry folks But anyways, uh, we got Bill Burr come to that and then that Thursday I'm out back at the Hollywood improv doing my regular old headlining show. We got Luke Mona's Maybe I'll see a bill wants to do that too No, you might be doing something but um, he's a busy guy. There'll be some special guests on that. That'll be fun And of course Europe don't forget I added a show in London. Fill that up. What has go This is the funniest thing to me, you know, I posted the I'm going to Europe UK whatever and then every I got 30 comments going You got to come to Glasgow. How are you not coming to Glasgow? What the fuck? How are you fucking us Scotland? Your Scottish? Why aren't you coming? So it's all my age and I go you got to do Glasgow and then all 30 them bought tickets and that's it Come on, so fill that up you scott's Dublin bell fast and then Governors in June punch up live go by the Tom Dustin doc. I still they're trickling in people go Hey, I bought the movie. It's the best movie of bubble blah. There goes your baby. I know I miss them already and your brown lady - Yes, yes, so go, yeah, she's sweet. - He's great. Go see the movie. Yes, see the movie. It's a great movie. I really enjoyed it and go to UK. I mean, that's exciting. You in Scotland with the with the green hills at the Irish Springs and the whole thing. That's absolutely. All right, folks. We'll see you in hell. I'll be all over the road. I'm in Raleigh, Spokane. Get some bodega cat, you know. Spokane. You're in Spokane every three weeks. This is crazy. I haven't gone yet. I feel like every episode we have your plug-in Spokane. What's your plug-in schedule? It's coming up. I'm saying six months ago a year ago. Do you only want to remember? They got the light outside the green room. Rescribable. I'm going to email your agent and say how often is he in Spokane? Because I feel like you're there every three months. Once a year. This is crazy. I guess you plug three months in advance. How many you tell the story a month later. You know, it's like it's like congressmen. They got to run every two years. So they're just always campaigning. Well, well, and yeah, we'll see you in Raleigh Spokane and Irvine, California and Chattanooga. Thank you. What do you got to chew? Check out my podcast. Fun, bearable. And more importantly, we're doing a very fun film project. Huge big. It's going to be really big. Check it out. And we're still looking for some backers on that thing. So if you're a fat cat with some cash to spare, reach out to me. Talk to this guy. That's, oh, believe me. That is a Kastanza. Oh my God. Look at that. That's got to be four grand right there. He's nuts. That is great. That looks like a fucking double cheeseburger. Oh, there's something else in this room that's you're going to take a look at. But anyway, if you're interested in backing a very fun film project, it's it's a great. It's a thing I were really, really proud of. Reach out to me at discount. At discount. Chuck on Twitter or Instagram. If you want to get involved, it's really cool. It's sending some stuff we shot and you will enjoy it as much as Joe did. This is like Sam Jackson's wallet and Pulp Fiction. All right. Yeah, it was awesome. I fucking left my ass off. The thing's crazy. It's got to be wild. It's got to be awesome. So go support that. And he's being honest. I'm being honest. Just trying. I'm never honest. Just kidding. That's him. Join the Patreon. We got a new thing coming on. It's going to be fun. Thank you. Signing up. Here comes Mark. All right.