#652 Show Me Your Tilts

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hitter in the face of the surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah this Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey here we are we are back baby we're cooking yes sound and look and smell like hell I'm top to bottom fab lyrics by the way yeah nice work great clothes but yeah yeah my head feels like it's the size of a Rupert's ass and right here you get that pressure that compacted jizz not mucus yeah you just want to I always want to put a syringe in there yes pull it see the yellow snow and that's coming hey eyes coming bring it on come in my ass because I am hurting and it's been days I keep trying to kick it I'm taking zinc and you know birth control everything that stuff is all horse shit this is the thing you know of course I give you and you can ask chat gbt will be like it gives you a slight edge maybe percentage if you take vitamin C whatever but it's all about rest and time time and this is the thing people we always get tricked we always think of cold if you have something important especially you're like I'll knock it up maybe three days I'll knock it up yeah a cold is two weeks right 100% it's seven to 14 days I mean don't get me wrong you can have you'll have a scratchy throat or whatever it's you're not you can go blive your life yeah throat but it's two weeks two weeks before you're like whoo before you're back to eating pussy and chewing gum I might fail I feel like a pussy I'm like wet and stinky yeah this is not good but yeah I thought it's it's been about six days I thought I'd be cruising but yeah it's it's rough two weeks I'm telling you better hope you don't get neuritis vestibular neuritis is that the ear thing that's the ear thing and your tubes and you're attached in your gaze so lobe over here I mean lobe vestibular neuritis is I'm Fox Jerry yeah now how you doing with the tilting how's your sidewalks my tilt is bad the sidewalks are okay it's a bad tilt yeah but yeah it gets a little bit you know it's like tilty pleasure it's tilt the world it's like the show me your tilts it's kind of like the baby growing you don't notice it until you see a photo got it but river it's improving I like it's still there but I'm like oh I'm not throwing up and falling down but it's still that so I'm not it's improving so little that I barely notice the improvement I see home improvement okay but so you are improving I'm improving I think but I'm still lacking when I lay down I'm like what's like I go full down syndrome as soon as I lay down but now I'm trying to embrace it and be like hey man you're right the world's off-kilter Artemis too but you forget so you you get up and you're like what the whole room fucking goes whack jobs but I'm fucking when I'm in like a missionary you're kind of I'm looking down and back to see the tits and the legs sure sure everything starts getting looped she starts looking like a man so I come fast yeah so is it do her tits get whoo over here and a pub goes up here no it's just a brief like whoop and that now it's more fog it's like a bug fog got eight fugs oh yeah that's a real fog it all right jeez but nobody's had it I've never met anybody that has it we did the session you know that I had a show of all-time Chuck was there he rolled camera for about six minutes a fucking ass Jesus hold a real salicuse on me I hope you got come back he's like we only got eight minutes and meanwhile I look around it's like Matt Wayne Samarill Lewis Lewis Lopez some other retard some asshole I'm like roll on these guys well you know you don't roll without talking to him I don't want to roll on Sam without him I can get well Matt Wayne was there he's very funny oh my two he was there I did a lot with Wayne when you were on the stage okay okay Wayne's world the people want to see Matt Wayne that's what they pay for sure he's selling hot tickets all right but anyways so we'll have some we have a hot hot gaze sets would have the hell we're calling it green room hang green room hang but there's a lot of on stage stuff all right good okay to get some material out there that's where it's waiting anal yeah we did a lot of crowd working stuff a lot of riffing I went pretty hard political right off the top what is a dicey and fun careful well now we're getting to a place where like everyone's like I know right right but that's that's neither here nor there there's a lot to talk about but we had fun but then there was a doctor in the house there was a doctor lady I was asking her about vestibular neuritis wow look at that you get medical advice on the mic and there was a physical therapist lady who sounded hot I couldn't see her uh I'm sure Chuck got some shots of her how'd she look cute nope I was behind that I was backstage nice backstage hanging shmuzin I'm filming good time uh jeez by the way oh side I just remember what I wanted to talk about ah off air but I'll talk about it on air all right fucking well watching all this Skankfest footage I finally got to miss Skankfest were you filming that miss Skank oh my god yeah dude who what they did miss Skankfest oh this America but miss Skankfest oh I didn't know that folks uh you got to buy this movie just for this pussy they show pussy oh tits fist fight oh it was crazy women were taking out their tits and taking on another the hottest woman I've ever seen was the getting lap dances they're kissing on the lips there's two sets of tits out bear shaved baby pussy just expose baby look oh okay okay did she move the diaper I missed miss Skank I missed miss Skankfest I missed it too oh my god I got so many clothes I could not have framed it better I was so happy with that footage I knew what camera was yours cuz the tits would come out and go yes that's right I was like oh that's Chuck but the the craziest one was this girl was twerking this larger lady uh and she's twerking towards the other side twerking towards the side she twerks towards me twerking for the money flashing purple butt plug oh crazy we can probably only get to see it every yeah it was it's nuts like I was watching it I wasn't there for it and I heard I knew how some things but I'm watching it like on the edge of my seat with a dick the rock harder than fucking Apollo 8 I couldn't believe it send that over I got to look at the footage study the game film I want to see the salicy so I can see the tit chick well I don't know where the hell he was but this thing is gonna be hot cakes and we got hinge cliff Gillis you you're not miked of course thank you but I mean who still shot of me who else we got you got a little big J stands all over it David tells all over Greg Fitzsimmons is all Tim Dill Tim Dillins all over it Bobby Kelly's in there soder soder's in there there's some minorities for God's sake I know McKean what's the IEMA now he my name is there yeah Jamar neighbors is in there drew Montana's in it he's right the Palmer squares are all over this thing Zach Amico's rapping I'm back to white guys yeah say hello another another hockey but yeah yeah it's well Lewis is a brown thing yeah holy shit wait do you see this I cannot wait there you go buy it just for that I wouldn't saw mr. Skankfest and he was just me and Amico in a room so what do you think Lewis he was hammered all times we kept saying we're gonna crown miss new Skankfe he meant to say new miss Skankfest we kept saying miss new Skankfest over and over again that's fun worth matching on the podcast I guess but that was fun drunk how do I think do you drunk I am there was some great great lines and by the way pat shout out to Patrick Holbert our director of photography editor co-producer this guy you know he went on the gravitron it's totally upside out it's going 300 miles an hour he's he's he's on he's focused he's zooming in and out Patrick Holbert should sit down with many cameraman teacher class this guy to say he's the anti-cute I mean he's literally going upside down 300 miles an hour and the camera is just rock steady he's like a gyroscope he doesn't he doesn't flip you can't believe it and anyways yeah Chuck filled seven minutes for a bonus nice I filmed a good amount okay are you gonna hit the 30 oh without a doubt all right all right that's all the matter you're gonna love it you guys are gonna both love it it's gonna be insane so get on the patreon see some behind the scene stuff and a bunch of onstage stuff great that's cool you get a private screening of the session it's the hottest show in town it's underground it's it's a New York Lowry side it's fun stuff by the way Sam came in he is he had me on the floor and it's new shit like he just put out he just recorded a thing yeah I was dying I mean just dying laughing and you know it's hard to get rolling as a comic when you want you usually just go that's funny that's a good bit right right I mean I was like fucking pissing my pants I almost had to leave because I was I felt like I was distracting the show I couldn't stop laughing he's a killer he's a beast he's one of the greats out there. So check him out. Absolutely. He's all over the road and he's got something coming out soon. Who knows when? Yeah, he's got a thing in the can. He shot it. That's got to feel good. And speaking of in the can, I hate to just start promoting but it's also what I want to talk about. The story telling show the end. Ari show. This is going to be huge. This is big. I mean, talking about lineup. The Skatefest doc versus the Ari show. I mean, I don't know who's got a more who's who? Well, he's got me being I think because he's got Nate. Okay. I got Dora. All right. And also Shane. Also Soda. Also you. True, but you got Tim Dill. You got Stano. You got a tell and no blacks. That's true. That's true. Well, the story telling show. How about this one episode? I don't know who's on your episode. You know, it's me, Ari, and Duncan Trussel. Weird mix. I know, but the beauty is that all gets paid the same. How about this? It's faith favorite nations as they say. Sarah's episode. Dan Soder. Yes, she got the same talent. Shane Gillis. Whoa. She's got a blow pass me, which I hope because I'd love to just stay home on a weekend. Sure. That'd be nice. Take care of the boy and he beats us. She's got to be huge. It's Sam talent. Shane Gillis. Soda. Sarah. Ari. That's the episode. What? How'd she get a fiver? She's going to set, well, Soda and Shane went on together. So that's a one. So she's just going to be the biggest comics and sliced cheese. Well, good. Good for her. She's getting a bump. And I'm going to be left in the dust. I'm on with Chuck and Salahcus. I don't even know who I'm with. Oh, yeah. Rupert was on mine, but they didn't have a wide lens. But you got a you got to just sit back and collect those checks while your sidewalks walking. Yeah, it's going to be crazy. And everyone's going to want to see that thing. So go go check that out. By the way, I saw Ari for the first time. This pimple. He's like, he's such a queasy guy. He's like, we got to hang out. I got to catch up with you. I got to have a senior nine months. And to me, I'm like, okay, well, I'll see you around wherever. And I'm like, come by the regs. We're doing the regs or come over my house this day. He's like, no, no, I want one time. We got to go for a walk. I'm like, okay. So it ended up being a Sunday. He's like, I'll fly directly to your house. I'll come straight to your house with my suitcase. What? His flight's like delayed. So it's like Sunday at 5 p.m. I got my blinding. I mean, my pajamas. I got my purple butt plugin. That's promo chill time. Exactly. Primo. So anyways, he shows up. Then he goes, now he's going to buy. We started talking in New York, Austin, Expensiveness, how expensive New York City is. What do you, what do you make of this? He goes, I know. This is his example. And he wasn't being funny. He's being earnest and Jewish because yeah, man, it is outrageous. He's like, I'm going to buy you a record. Like I just was at a record store. I thought, let me pick up a list of record for a nice gift, nice little housewarming gift. It's like 40 bucks. So yeah, it should be 20 bucks. So I didn't get it. I don't like this. What is this story? Yeah, I'm going to start doing that with with my wife. He's literally like, I was going to get you a gift, but it was too expensive. And that's his contribution to New York is so expensive. I'm like, first of all, you're a multi-millionaire. Yes. Why even tell me? Exactly. I thought about buying your car, but it is pricey. So I just didn't do anything. Yeah, yeah. It's going to get you the engagement ring, but it was a little high. So we're not getting married. That's it. Exactly. I'm like, what the hell kind of story is that? That's Kuku. And he said just like the serious face. But we're all like, yeah, I bought groceries the other day. That was a hundred bucks. I bought my sister's ass. That was 40 bucks. Yeah, I was going to buy your record, but it was too much. I know. He said some weird stuff to me. And I have a theory that he was on Machu Picchu time over there with other people. And no one was checking him. He's hanging out with a bunch of pigmies and a bunch of brown guys with spears. So everything he says, they're like, yes, sir, yes, sir. And now he's back here with comics. And we're going, what the fuck was it? Yeah, yeah. What are you talking about? Now we can zing him again. So he'll get right eventually, but it's going to take a month of a shit on him. And he's off to London. And then I thought he was going to be in London. When I was there, I was like, this is going to be great. You can come out. You can open. It's going to be a special guest. It'll be crazy. And he's like, no, I'm not getting there until June. Oh, jeez. Yeah, you fucked me again. Yeah, the bumper. Yeah, he's a he's a funny one. He's like, hey, well, you do story wars with me. I'm like, I got a, I got four shows. He's like, good help the show. Promotion. I'm like, well, I got four shows, uh, ones in jerseys. Like, come by story wars. And I'm like, what does that mean? I'm telling you, I can't do it. Well, there's these guys, every one of my goddamn friends, Bobby's like this. Lewis is like this. I always like this. You go, oh, I can't do it. Well, why don't you cancel everything you've ever done in your life? Why don't you come with me instead? I don't get it. I can't go. I can't go. Also, I kind of know what to. Well, can we factor that in? I'd rather do the sets factor. They are sponsored. Oh, yeah, factor. Remember that? They were good. Anyway, it's some decent chicks. Ah, so where you been there? How'd you get sick? Did you blow a guy? I wish. At least I knew where it came from. I think I know what it was. And it's gross if you're, if you're sitting down. I'm sitting. All right. So I was sitting on my couch watching a flick. And I was noticing my nails were long. And I started biting my nails. And I got a weird tang. I just was like, go! What the hell is that flavor? I think that was it. I think I got some bacteria, some something shit from a subway pole. I shook a hobo's hand. I figured my baby. I don't know what it was, but I think I got some kind of illness in me. And sorry. And I think that's what did it. The next day I woke up. I was just like, whoa, whoa, I felt horrible. I took a zinc because I thought that would cure me. And I puked right there. Just took a zinc and was like, whoa. Oh, zinc will make you puke. I'm too stomach. Yes. Yes. You take a zinc on an empty stomach. Forget about it. But I do it a lot. So I thought, ah, it's just a little quiz. And then all of a sudden I was like, and then I hate puke. So I held it in. And I was like, let me shit. And I took a shit. I can be COVID. Sounds like COVID. Really? Well, COVID, I puked the first time I had it. I think you have COVID. I've had COVID so many times. Oh, he's backing up. Sorry. I feel like a bio has it over here. Yeah. I feel like Tom Hanks, you have COVID. The head, the fatigue, big fatigue. Throw up. Yeah. Well, how do you beat COVID? You waited out. I don't talk to Rogan. He's got fucking Ivermectin and the other thing. Yeah. Which that that's alternative holistic drugs. Yeah. Yeah. Nothing to do with the vaccine people. Totally different group of people. I took the vaccine. I took the booster. But I guess that was three years ago or whatever. Yeah. But yeah. It was like six years ago. Where's it all going? But up my ass. I guess I got going from a fingernail or something. Now germs don't have a taste. They just happen. Germs are around. You probably got it from Rupert, Farding, or whatever. All right. They're just around. We're on the subway. And we're not big hand washers. No. I wash my hands like 20 times a year. If that I only do it if someone's watching me. Yeah. You know, I've seen you shit not wash your hands. It was quite a sight. What? Why do you guys watch me shit? Well, the old office. We used to shit next to each other. I'm doing here. Battle shits. Oh, sure. Yeah. You guys watch that for shit. Yeah. Yeah. I tried to say 20 a year. If I, yeah, I take 20. Get out of here. He's just here. You'd be dead. Is this a funny bit? By the way, Rupert. I think this can be a bit. I'm like every day I shit like clockwork at like 11 a.m. And every day I'm surprised by it. Like I'm at the playground. I'm like this. Well, what is that? What the fuck? Right. It's got a funny, right? Like somehow literally every day. I'm like, oh my god. Sarah, I got to go shit like. Yeah, that's true. You think I should just be like, there it is. Yeah, it's like a alarm. Somehow every day the exact same time I have eggs and cheese and a caffeine. I'm like this. Oh my god. Something's happening. That is funny. I got a shit. It's like, yeah, you got a shit for the 17,000 day in a row. You treat like a water breaking. This is it. It's happening. Oh my god. I'm like sweating. I'm like, I got to leave now. I don't know what's happening. The car's back. How did this happen to me? This is funny there. There's a bag by the door. Yeah, I like that. All right. Hey folks, get rid of your old skid mark shitty panties. They got blood. They got shit. Get yourself some sheath. Oh yeah. I love sheath. Sheath. Either way is the best. It's got two pouches. One for your dick, one for your balls. I'm not even looking at the goddamn copy. I love sheath. I love Robert Patton. This guy's been sending us underwear up and down over and out, up the ass. For years, you know it. We're always wearing it. It's the best underwear. You know exactly what it looks like. I just got some new ones. It looks like like a bowling ball print. It's so cool. And I was wearing the other day. Marty was like, that looks like a dragon. They got dragon underwear. That's cool. It's fucking awesome. Go to sheathunderwear.com and use code 2's gays to get 20% off your first order. 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Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com/tuesdays. Go to Shopify.com/tuesdays. That's Shopify.com/tuesdays. Do it. It'll help your life. It'll help your business. It'll help us. Chichi. All right. So yeah, just woke up feeling like hell, but the day before was a great day. So the wife ever since the Olympic hockey win, she's back in a hockey. She played as a high schooler. She's obsessed. She's back in. She joined a league and she goes, I want to go to a Rangers game and I said, all right. I think I can hook that up. Hit up the Jews. Got some tickets. We go to the Devils. The Devils. The Devils. On rivalry. When did you go? I went Sunday last week. I went Tuesday. Wow. That's crazy. How about that? That's not that crazy. We could go. Uh, we, we take the night off. We go to the Rangers and my favorite thing is you get the food because it's a VIP seats. You get the lounge. Oh, yeah. And you get, I mean, they have a spread in there with a full bar TV. I mean, it is a quite a set up. It's lunch. So she shows up. We get there a little, the game's it's said, we get there like 650. So they usher you in, you got to go to the metal detector, all that crap. You go to the elevator and the guy starts walking us to the rink and I go, whoa, whoa, where's the food? And he goes, oh, well, game starts in like eight minutes. You might want to get your seat. I go, are you nuts? Lounge. Yeah. Get the food. You got to go to the lounge. He's like, oh, okay. I just didn't know if you wanted to go. Most people show up at six. I was like, hey, blow me. So we go to the lounge. We pick out. I overeat. We sit. We get to the seats. I get a couple of vodka sodas. Get to the seat, got my popcorn, my cocktail. We sit down, get a nice row, second row right in front of the glass. There's a guy, a teenager and a mom. So a dad and son and a mom, we shuffle past them, sit down and I'm sitting there watching the game, eat my popcorn and the wife goes, is that who I think it is? I was like, huh, who is that? I can't get a look at her. Next to the wife, pleuribus lady, what's that pleuribus hit show on Apple Vince Gilligan the guy who did a breaking bad same director pleuribus, if you're terrible. It's a big show. People like it. I've heard of it in my life. Oh, I think you would enjoy it. Okay. It's very smart. Fun show. Some shows now. I'm a show guy. It's a hot show. Put this on the list. It's a whole, what do you call symbolic metaphor for allegory communism. And they really, they really do some social comm. I see. So it's a show on Apple TV. Yes. Apple TV. I don't know anyone's ever watched a show on Apple TV. Ted Lasso. Oh, my God. I hate that studio. That's on Apple TV. Studio. Apple's good. Severance. Severance is the biggest show. I'm an ass head. I don't know. I'm watching DTF St. Louis. That's fun. It's fun. The episode yesterday was the worst thing I've ever seen. It was horrible. You live and die by these apps. I mean, it was really horrible. Yeah. And I watched the other one. The beast in me, which one episode was horrible. That one too. Very good. The stupidest show has ever. But so fun. Very fun. Fun and stupid. But so. So is she a hot lady? Can you pull her up? She's a normal looking lady. I wouldn't say she's hot. I wouldn't say she's ugly. She's like a nice looking lady. I thought you meant like eat pluribus unum. Like it was Margaret Thatcher. Who's the lady on the bill? So good job. No. No, no. Susan Beaton. Susan Beaton. No, it wasn't her either. I can be George. Betsy Ross. That's the one. Oh, okay. That's my cup. Oh, that's right up your head. That's my speed. Yeah. Looks like kind of a mean mother. Yes. Yes. That's a stepmom of bootgrounds you. So we're sitting next to her. So it's already a great night. We're drinking. We're eating. The wife looks like a million bucks. She's all dolled up. She's sitting next to the pluribus lady. They get a photo. The pluribus lady couldn't be nicer. I should probably know her name. I keep believe your wife recognized this lady. Wow. We watched the show. Oh. Have you seen the show? Yeah. Wow. Wow. It's on TV. All right. I got to see this pluribus. Yeah. It's a great show. So she goes, I love your jacket. And the wife goes, oh, that's very affordable. Which was a cute little moment. She's like, why am I telling this big actress that the jacket is cheap? Well, these days, who knows? That's the business is all walkie-woo. That's a good point. She might be broke. That's a good point. So we're watching the game. It's a fucking great game. The Rangers are kicking ass. And then we get a goalie fight. Really? I mean, this is like a full moon. Wow. What's in a lifetime? Just two guys gloves off going ahead. Oh, I missed it. Everybody's on their feet. You know, grabbing the jersey. Woo-hoo. And the ref just lets them go. You know what it feels like? Because, you know, these guys train all day and they work so hard. They get checked and lose teeth. But the goalie fight, everybody loved. Like, you could see some people are on their phone the whole game. But once they're fighting, it's like when you do a crowd work bit, the kills harder than all your material. Right. You know, you're like, I worked like six months on that joke. But the riff about the guy being fat and ugly, that's a hit. Well, and you want to go, you guys should check out UFC. Yeah. It's just this for like half an hour's great. That's true. I love the UFC. It's like, these guys throw three punches, two of them land, maybe. The rest is just kind of jockeying for positions, swings and misses. Yeah. And it wasn't even a great fight. It was a lot of like hitting the shoulder because they got the pads on and everything. But I think that's part of the fun is that it's a different sport. So now they're doing another sport in the middle of another sport. Right. You know, it's like if you were playing a ping pong, you just started blowing me. It's like a little joke. I went to a fight in a hockey game, broke out. There you go, had a young man. So yeah, then you get to go at halftime, you get to pick out more and eat more. And I'm talking to some guy half time of the hockey game. What do you call that? Intermission. Thank you. Intermission. Why can't we call it halftime? Well, it's thirds half time would be, you know, ten minutes left in the second period. That's fair. All right. So I get in there. I'm in the green room. And this guy goes, hey, I saw you at Gilles' show. He's like a guy works there. And I'm like, oh, all right. Cool. I barely made it to that one. I had a sneak in. He was like, I heard the whole story. He goes, you want to take a photo on the ice after because he works here. And I go, oh, my God. So I tell the lady, I'm like cracking up points here. This is huge. Huge. So we got a pile of senator. We'll post it. We go out there. Bam. Look at that. Right on the ice after the game with a good buzz going. Did you put on skates? No, you just shimmy out there like a baby deer. Like the coach. Yeah. And of course I had to do it like a long run and slide. And then I fell. But you guys like Rocky and Adrian. Exactly. Yes. Give me the blades. Yeah. I got CTE. And we took a gay photo, and then we went home and had sex. Wow. So is that a rice at Madison Square Garden? Magical night. Right now. That's special. It was fun. And everything. You know, it was like a make-a-wish. And now she's in a league. Wow. So there you go. The next day was sick. I'd want to fuck her with ice skates. Ah. The skates on. Hold them up. Yeah. That'd be cool. That could get dangerous. You got those two skates in the air. She gets an orgasm. You might get scar-faced. The helmet. I'd have the helmet on. Oh. The shoulder pads. Go. Full. Put her a golly stick in her ass. Ooh. Now we're talking. A puck in the mouth. Oh. I like that. I mean, I do a bit about it. But you just want to use anything. Yes. It's a long year together, you just like give me anything. Put on a fucking Ray Bork jersey. Oh, yeah. Right. There we go. Although she's a golly, so it might be hard to get in. Hey. You know. That mask is even better, because it's hard to see the face. You can pretend it's Andy Mogue in there or something, you know. Reggie Lemlin. Someone hot. Mogue Island. Yeah. So I was a great night. Then the next day I was sick as a dog. So maybe I got something from-- Probably the garden. Maybe the garden. Seven thousand people there. It's a lot of fucking germs. Sick a lot of hands, but then I was sick. I woke up sick as a and then I have to go to a gig. It was like your thing, I had to go to Kentucky. - Ooh, Lexington. - Lexington, great club, great town, but two flights. So you get up early, I've pukeed. It's too late to cancel. So I say bye to the boy and I get on a Uber, get on a flight, and then in another flight, and you're just like this on the flight, like ugh, ugh, ugh. And everybody's like, what's up with this guy? I got the puke bag ready, brutal. You land, you go, maybe I'll kick it. I got one show tonight, I'll get through that, and then I should be good. One good night of sleep. Drug myself, wake up the next day, worse. - Yeah. - Big head, so I do the thing where I, - We're getting COVID. - CVS, ugh, 1.1 mile. All right, I'll walk and I'll get some sun, sweat it out. Now I'm on the side of the highway in, you know, basketball shorts at a t-shirt, like, I was walking down like Kung Fu. - Like zero. That's not a bad deniro. - Hey, all right. It's not a great deniro. - That's not a bad one. I'll take it. - Ugh, I hate Trump, ugh. - Eh? - All right, that's pretty good. - So then, so then I go to CVS, the farmer's he's closed for some reason. I just want to talk to the guy. Of course. - I just want to go, just, what do I need? Tell me everything. Give it to me, you're a doctor, you know stuff. I think I did, I mentioned this in last week's episode. The lady at Urgent Care was like, you need this medicine. And then I went to the ear note throughout. She's like, don't take that medicine. - Oh, what's up with that? So I was like, oh, all right. So I, you know, this one's the specialist. - Right. - It was very curb. - Yeah, all right. I guess I won't take that. - And yeah, we don't know. It's like your Johnson rod. - Exactly. - I gotta listen to anything. - Sure. - So the farmer's he's closed. So I just Google a chat, GBT, best thing for what I have. And they say, get a Z-Pack. - Z-Pack, I've heard about the Z-Pack. - Z-Pack, you need a prescription. - Z-Pack, Shakur. - So then I go, okay, what's the closest to a Z-Pack over the counter? And they say, nothing, fuck you, kill yourself. And I go, all right, great. So I just bought everything, suit a fed. I got the nasal spray. I got the drink. I got the day quill, the night quill, the morning quill, and TJ quill, and just left there with a big sack. And I'm just on the side of the highway, popping all of it. - I woke up in the Hudson River in a sack. (laughs) I'm popping everything, I'm drinking my gatorade, and I just got back to the room and just, two shows that night. You plow through, sell some merch. All right, tonight, I'm going to bed, tons of sleeping pills, all the pills again, wake up, worse, three shows. - This is COVID, you got COVID, you're breathing all over us. - Sorry, what? - My wife just had it, I didn't have it 'cause I had it in November, so. - I think you're fine. - I'm fucked. - You're fucked. - I hadn't had it in years, so it was my turn. But yeah, three shows, 4 p.m. with COVID or whatever the hell I have, and I pushed through, and I never told the audience I'm pouring sweat, I'm bombing. The only thing worse than doing new material for an hour is new material while sick. - Yeah. - My brain is, you got the slow brain, the smooth brain where I can't think of anything. - Yeah, the guy's like, "Hey, I have no teeth," and I'm like, "Uh, what is it? "Too hardy?" And they're like, "Boo, fuck you." What happened to this guy? We liked his special, we hate you, so that was the longest week out of my life that you wake up at 5 the next day. You fly to Boston to go to Easter, with the in-laws. - Oh, Easter, you got to do Easter. - Yeah, and Easter was great, but I just show up and everybody's like, "He's here, how you doing, big guy?" And I'm like, "Hello, I got a nice pack of my head, "I got a thermometer of my ass, I got the red nose." And I'm just like, blowing my nose all over the fucking honey-baked ham. - You're like Bill Pullman in "Sleepless in Seattle." - Yes, wow, good pull, man. - Which is the most ridiculous plot ever. I've talked about it before. Other people have talked about it. - What's the plot again? - It's a big, oh, she's got to leave 'em 'cause he has allergies. - Oh, that's right. - The whole thing is he's like, he's sneezing. He's got bad allergies, but he's like a sweet, nice guy. - Right. - He's like, she liked enough to say yes to the proposal. - Yeah. - But basically, her nose-yodotter like, this fucking queer can't stop sneezing. - Yeah. - You got to ditch him for hanks. - Yeah, he's a pus. - It's very strange. You're like, "Well, he's allergic. "What do you want him to do?" - I know, I'll thank God they didn't make him a Jew. That would've been a hate crime. - But also, what was while you were sleeping? What did that other Bill Pullman? - While you were sleeping, that sounds like a horror movie. - Wait a minute, give that a good. - While we slept is a Pearl Harbor book that I read when I was like 20. - Ah. - Pearl Harbor. - Bill Pullman. - I think he was in-- - With the enemy. - No, no. There was another Bill Pullman. He had a run for a while, the 90s. - Bullock, Sandra Bullock. - Yes, yes. - Yeah, he's in it. - Okay. - While you were sleeping. - Oh, is it a thriller? - No. - No, it's like a drama, it looks like. - Drama, comedy, drama, comedy. - That's a drama, yeah. - That's a drama. - But then he was the president in Independence Day, so he had a moment. - Yeah, a lot of people confuse Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman. - I did for a while. - Yeah, very kind of similar vibe. - Paxton, much cooler. - Well Paxton, it was Apollo 13, and that was a big Apollo 13 homo. Plus, then you had Twister. And that's the one, that's a great movie. Great movie. Oh yeah, at Easter, we're doing the egg hunt. I'm like, I'm falling into the eggs, it was really bad. And then finally the kids go to bed, and you're like, all right, I'm just gonna sit here and then wallow in it. And then, yeah, fell asleep in the kid room. They have like a playroom. And I was like, I'm sleeping in the playroom because my snoring is so bad because I snore already that now with the congestion, it's like, Wilder Beast times eight. - Wow, I wouldn't think of you as a snore. - Oh, big snore. - No kidding. - Oh my God, I'm so on logs all night. The wife hates it. - When I snore, it makes you want to kill myself. My wife will like, elbow me and be like, you're snoring and I'm like, I'm sorry. Don't get on with me, my face is shit. - That's how I feel. You can't help it. I'm like, Hoffman in a bookie night. So I'm like, I'm so stupid. - Oh yeah. - I'm an idiot, the old man snoring. So I had to sleep downstairs with all the toys. It's me and Teddy Ruxpin. - Oh, that's fun. - Yeah, it was a life. - I wish, no such luck. But then I'll get into the travel home with the baby, but you, you go. - All right, I got a couple things travel related. This is funky. This is wacky. - I need a break, I'm hurting. - So, oh, so we flew to Fort Lauderdale Miami. This is six months ago, but I didn't get you to tell this on the pod last night. - Please. - So we get off, you know, you're traveling with the child and the wife, it's a whole to do. - Oh yeah. - And we were like on the back of the play. And normally, you know, I fly Delta Comfort Plus, whatever it's called, Comfort Plus. And then I get upgraded a lot 'cause I'm super diamond, whatever the fuck. - Oh yeah. - But the family. - That's the diamond. - They just pull me down. - Sure. - It's like I'm escaping prison. They grab my ankle and I can't do it. I'm like the helicopter out of nom. They're just like two fatsoes pulling me down. - I love the smell of Marty in the morning. - So, I think that was a radio show. Maddie in the morning. That was like a big radio show in Boston. - Okay. - Maddie in the morning. - Maddie Smith. - But anyways, so I'm like in the shit back of the play, like against the bathroom, row 78, X, Y and Z. - Oh, right. - So we fly back, it's a long flight. We're there and he's wiggling, he's on me in the cab, and he's on me for a three hour flight, then he's on me the whole time. So you just have to go wiggly ass on you. We get off the plane, I'm carrying him now, and you just want to get home. It's been a long trip, the rain delays and all the stuff. We get off and we're going to pick up the luggage at the luggage thing, or that's where we're headed, but the luggage pick up. There's a guy getting on the escalator, going up to the gates, big fat guy. I look over, he starts falling down the escalator, and the escalator's going up, and he's rolling down, but he's stuck in one plane. It looked so funky from a distance, 'cause you're like, what am I seeing? 'Cause it looked like he was in a washing machine, 'cause he was up here flipping and he would start to get up, and then he would go down again with the escalator's moving. So it's like, he's falling downstairs, but the stairs are moving up. So it's like this guy, and he's a driver, I think. He's like a Latino guy in a suit. Yeah. Maybe that's rude that he just assumed he's a driver. Well, isn't that the headbrick joke you fall forever or whatever? Is it, I don't know that joke. I just remember, elevators can't be broke. They can only be straights. I don't think a fat guy, somebody else, maybe Steven Wright, a fat guy falling down an elevator, we'll just keep falling. I'd never heard that, but I witnessed it. Yes. It was crazy, and his suitcase was there, and it's so like, he was just like, "Blu-lu-lu." Oh, that's hilarious. I didn't get his bearings. He'd be like, "Blu-lu-lu." Wow. That's the funniest thing, and so another guy went to help, and the wife of the guy helping, was like, "Ahh, Jimmy!" That was crazy. The lug is rolling. So I had the baby, and Sarah was like a few feet behind. And I was like, "I got a spring into action. I'm a fat man." So I put the baby down, and I'm like, "Sarah, get the baby." So I run over, and finally, as I'm running over, the guy's flipping and flopping, he kind of gets his bearings somehow. The other guy helps him. He grabs the luggage. The luggage ends up rolling down, so the helper guy leaves. And by the time I get there, I kind of grab a shoulder and stir to him. He must have twisted his knee, because he was like. My knee, I was like, are you okay? Those elevators, the sharp those escalators. - Oh yeah, they're not easy. They're like clawy and sticky and gay. So then the luggage rolled back that way. The other helper left. And so I just rode, it's like a long elevator there in the Guardian. I ended up just riding up with them. It's just me and him, I'm like, so. - Oh wow. - That was crazy, huh? And I'm like, he's like, my knee, and I was like, are you okay? He's like, yes, yes. I'm like, all right. So we just have like this long, quiet ride together. - Yeah, jeez. - And when we got to the top, his knee was all fucked up and I was like, I'll go get your luggage. So I run down the stairs and I'm like, I grab a suitcase and the wife of the helper guy was like, that's ours. And I was like, oh, which one's here? She's like, my husband brought it up there. And I was like, all right, so I just kind of did nothing. I mean, that's my first gut there. I did like a scoopy sketch. - A scoopy is something? - Yeah, but then basically I just rode an elevator with an asshole. - Yeah. - But was he hurting? - Yeah, he was hurting. His knee was all fucked up. It was one of the craziest sights though, 'cause you know, it's like your brain, your rods and cones are fucked up. - Yeah. - It's like a science project watching that. - 'Cause you're not used to seeing it. So it's like seeing, you know, Rupert run or something. - It's like a polar bear on a tricycle. - I wasn't expecting it and you're like, what is that? 'Cause you just see a leg and a foot and a suit. - Right. - Whatever. So he runs up there, boobly boob skippity pop. I tried my best to help, you know, the baby's crying, Sarah's shitting. - Sure. - And I didn't even get the like, what a man. Nobody was like, did anything. 'Cause I was like, man, well, I put my baby down, I ran over there. - Yeah. - I thought I was gonna be a hero. I wanted to be like Chewbacca at the end of the first movie where they put the metal on them when they see it. - Oh yeah. - So that. - There we go. - Chuck, you wanna try it, Chewbacca? - I'm so sick. - Are you sick too? - I'm crazy sick. - Oh jeez, this ruined the big infest day is hotboxing. - You guys are kidding me. - I texted you last night. I said I'm sick as a dog, man. - You didn't say sick as a dog. You said I gotta touch something full shit. You said some bullshit. - All right. - Somebody's. - This is crazy. - Yeah. - Sorry. - I had the thing, we should have canceled. - I thought we were gonna cancel. - Well, we got one, we got one, we got one. - You fucked me, you both fucked me. - What did I say? - You said, that's what you said. - Checking the text. - Uh, I had to go, I'm on your feet. I'm down for one, what do we wanna have? - I said sick as a dog, I think. - Hold on, right here, right here. I'm a little sick too, in my throat. I'm a little sick. - I woke up, time has passed. - Oh. - All right, but you said I'm a little sick. - Well. - You were like, I'm dying, sinus, bukin, beach ball. And then you wrote, I'm a little sick too. Now you're over here going, I can't do what you're talking 'cause I'm dying. You guys fucked me. I'm going out to Ohio to meet my ex-girlfriend and her whole family, and now I'm gonna be sick. - Oh, that's a mistake. - I got all this paella, and you got ketchup on it. - So any farts. So then, I've been dealing with the vestibular neuritis. I'm all wet. - Yes, yes. - And I'm fat. - Went to the doctor, the doctor's like, you weigh 196 pounds, you fat fuck. - Wow, is that right? - Yeah. - You're a string mean. - 6 to 194 pounds, baby. Twisted steel and sex appeal. - Yeah, lean mean and cleafen machine. - Well, I've been doing the kettlebells, I'm huge. - There you go. - So, but I'm like, I gotta go on a diet, but I got Easter Sunday, my birthday, and I'm going home for Providence. Boston, all we do is eat pizza, go to the socks game, hot dogs, ice cream. - Happy birthday. - Thank you. - Big 44, baby. - Sorry. - Yesterday. Quattro, Quattro, or whatever, whatever you say. - I don't think that's right. - Quattro. - Quattro? - Yeah. - No, Cattorse, I think, or. - Carrante, cut. - What's Forty? - What's Forty? - It's Spanish. - Quattro. - Quattro. - Quattre. - Venti. - Venti, dose, 23. - Yeah, Venti. - Yeah, Venti. - Starbucks. - Quarenta. - Quarenta. - Quarenta. - So they say, 40 and four. - Yes. - Yeah, we are. - We are a group. - Anyways. - Got it. - So what day was it Sunday? I'm like, I'm a fat fuck, I'm gonna kill myself. I gotta go to yoga. I'm gonna do some hot yoga. I love yoga, I miss yoga. I'm going to yoga. Maybe I'll bump into an X. So I schedule it. Here we go, hot yoga. I'm on my way over there and I'm like, oh shit, I wasn't thinking. I got vestibular neuritis. Every time I bend over, tilt my head upside down. - True. - The whole world flits. I come on the gravitron, like Holbert. I'm like, I fucked up. - Right. - So I'm literally walking over there being like, wait a second, I can't do fucking yoga. I'm gonna fall over and be all dizzy. - Don't do it. - And also, that was Easter Sunday. So Easter Sunday we're like, we'll go get a breakfast. So we go to this place we love in Tribeca. And I get four pancakes. - Yeah. - I'm splitting it with Marty. So he's eating all the eggs in some pancake. I'm just crushing pancakes. That I have. - That's the diet. That starts tomorrow. - All right. - So then I have a caffeinated beverage. I forgot the day before I ate it like 5 p.m. 'Cause I'm trying to fast, 'cause I'm fat. - Sure. - So now, it's like two hours later, I'm heading to yoga. I start getting the shakes and the jitter bugs. - Oh, from the pan. - 'Cause I realized all I've had is four pancakes with quadruple maple syrup, a caffeinated beverage, and then I haven't eaten for 16 hours before that. - Oh. - So I got my legs a shaky, my arms a shaky. - Yeah, yeah. - My assholes bleeding. - You're like salicus. - And so I'm like, I've got vestibular neuritis. I'm having a caffeine sugar attack. - Yeah. - So I'm gonna go get in seven minutes. I'm gonna fuck it pass out and die. - Whoa. - So I stop and zuckers bag a little bit of shop. They're good. I just grab a croissant, class starting four minutes. So I just shove a croissant down my mouth like, "I'll settle you, 'cause I can absorb." - I'll absorb a little bit. I pound some water trying to flush out though whatever. - Yes, yes, flush. - So I'm going in, I see the instructor, and I go, are you the instructor? She goes, I have, she goes, just to let you know, I got vestibular neuritis. And she's like, what is that? You fucking homo, and I go, well, that makes me all tilty and vertigo. He vertigo fuck yourself. So if I start to tip over, I'm not dying. - Sure. - I just have this thing. So I'll feel it out and see how I feel, but if I'm taking child's pose, don't worry, I'm okay. - Yeah, there must be old men in there that can't do this. They gotta tend to them. - So she goes, okay, good, thanks for the heads up, 'cause you never know what's going on, I go, thank you. So then I go in there, and of course, once it starts, you're like, I don't care what I'm doing. I can't be the asshole not doing the pose. - You're in there. - And it was tricky, 'cause it's not so much when you're upside down, it's when you come back up, everything's wacky, but I'm like, I'll get through it. So about a half hour, it's 104 degrees in there. - Woo! - But halfway through, we're doing our poses, I'm sweating, I'm getting through it, I feel good. She's like, how you doing? I'm like, I'm good, I'm good, don't worry. We here, what? She goes, huh? We look over big, fatso collapse. - Whoa, was he the escalator guy? - No, different guy, double collapse. - Wow. - And I forgot to mention, at the beginning, I should have mentioned this, 'cause this is better. Fuck, I blew it. - She was like, no one's here for the first time. This one fat guy, the Koenah was like, I'm here for the first time. - Got it. - And you just hear, what? Like a slip, boom. - Oh. - Like a ton of fucking bricks. We look over, and he's dead. He's like this. - What? Out cold? - Out cold, out hot. - Out hot. - It's like 105 degrees. He's literally like this. I thought he was dead. - Oh my god. - He's like a lump of shit. And so the class stops and she's like, oh dear, whoa. Let's all put our hands together and breathe. - Yeah. - And you go over there, and this is one of those things where you're like, I want to be a healthy guy. - Sure. - But then there was a big-- - Apple pie. - African-American game hand, just painting a picture. He was right there, so he came over. She opens the doors to let some cool air out. He was close to the door, 'cause he was trying to leave. - Yeah. - So this guy, like, picks, like moves him up, which I thought was like, I think you're not supposed to touch him, raise the blood, get blood to the feet, whatever. - Put cookies in his mouth. - So he kind of took care of it, so I thought, you don't want to have too many cooks in the kitchen. - Sure. - Nobody watched the guy that's like, excuse me, my uncles are apparently-- - Yes, yes. - So I'm just staying there watching, it's mostly women, so I'm just staying there and I'm like, this guy's got him, he's kind of dragging him out. Then the guy, as they start to get him out, he falls again. He's like, oh, he's got like jelly legs. - Oh boy. - He just goes, blue and lands again, so I'm like, all right, let me go get near them and see what's happening. I'm like, do we want to call an ambulance? Maybe this guy's like fainting and bonking his head. - Sure. - So I go up to the guy, I'm like, hey, sir, do you have water? And he's like, I got a bottle in there. It's the glass one. So I go in, I get his bottle. I'm like, nothing on his tits. - Sure. - He got two ice packs. - Whoa. - Did you hit your head when you fell? He's like, I don't think so. And I'm like, do you know where you are? He's like, yoga, I'm sorry. He's like, it's like in a western. Like he's like, I love her. So we got the ice pack on his fat stomach, another one on his fat head. And you're like, okay. And then the two like intern girls are come over and the instructors are like, you guys get this? And they're like, we got him. So we just go back in the room and start yoga again. - What'd you do, wheel him out? - No, he kind of like, the black guy helped him. - Okay. or whatever and he collapsed again so I kept picking over there and he was like just sitting on the floor like it's probably a heat stroke might have been a heat stroke the heat the fat don't do well in the heat well he's very overweight never done yoga in his life he just starts with a hundred and six degree class crazy where you like buddy yes it's so good and it turns out he was fine and he ended up the afterwards we came He was gone. He was like he was just embarrassed that whole thing. Yeah. Is there cold yoga? I don't think so. Let's just room temp. Okay. Maybe that could be something Well, I think the body could strics. Ah By the way, I went to the flat iron bathhouse. Ooh Sarah got me a gift certificate for last birthday. They took me here to use it We got to go. Oh, yeah. It's unbelievable. First of all, it's the hottest people. It's co-ed. Oh my lord the women You can't believe and they got a cold plunge pool. They got a steam room. They got a sauna. They got a hot tub They got a regular pool. There's one in the day in there. I went to one of these in No, Lida and it's all sex. It's just naked people sweating wet dripping Canutling sexiest thing I've ever seen. It was crazy. They weren't flat iron So just a lap last note on this yoga collapse. I had two different guys collapse in three days. What? Oh, yeah We got the elevator guy. You got the L escalator. Yeah, and then the yoga yoga So at the end, you know, of course everyone's out there talking about it's like that day cook joke with as a car crash And you're like I was in my room and I heard it. What were you doing? I was cleaning a dish Cleaning a dish. So everyone's like, oh my god. I that's and then one of these guys The yoga guys goes well first. He collapsed. He passed out on his mat first Yeah, yeah, and I was like this What yeah people do this, but I'm like you witnessed this man pass out on his mat And you didn't think to be like oh part of me right I'm like that's one of the worst things I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, that's insane. He was like well first. I saw him. He passed out on his mat I'm like how the fuck? What kind of society is this could be a yoga class and you see someone just like On their mat. Let's go. Oh hold on this guy just fell asleep and voluntarily. Yeah. What is he napping like what are you doing? Come on. You could have died and you would have like actually saw him die a few minutes ago, right? This is a country. This is a civilization. What do you call that a community a society society? That's the word we live in New York. We want we step over dead hobos 24/7. So maybe they were numb He said it like like yeah, that piece of shit was passing out earlier like he's a human. Yeah, get it together gay Help him. But anyway, it's probably dead and sure but hey hats off to the chunk of room for going right in the big room on day one He tried and the instructor was so nice and cool great instructor, but I didn't feel like I'm like You got to keep an eye like somebody overweight is like I've never been here. I don't want whispering like if she heard this She wouldn't hear this part right, but I'm like you got to keep an eye out. Yeah, well big is beautiful You don't want to judge I guess but you should be judging. Yeah, I don't exist. It's like the old age old thing of like is a drug dealer Responsible for an overdose or is the person responsible for their drug intake. I don't know. Yeah, the chicken and the Meth, but now everybody have you heard this new thing where judges are being very lenient and they go hey This guy a molested seven kids killed his wife fucked his dad and killed a chicken Ah, you can get out of here. We'll let you off and now they're everybody saying should the judge Be held accountable much like if I over serve you at a bar and you got and run over a lady or Whatever or just hit walking to traffic because I over served you the bartender gets in trouble. Right now Should a judge get in trouble when the guy gets off scot free for killing 12 people and then goes and kills another guy the next day Yeah, that's a good question. That's a it's percolating in the Comments or what if the president does an executive order to release everybody that attacked the capital and then turns out one of them Just got arrested for pedophilia. Is that right? That's what I heard. Oh shit Google that January 6th pedophile January 6th year old That's good take it. Oh, so yeah, I mean it feels weird, you know, yeah, it's yeah, yeah, it's Full it's flooded god full ears. I can't hear anything. I'm foggy. I'm gay trying to connect my wife and ex-girlfriend You're gonna give me sick. I know. I don't want to ruin her that threesome For some I guess with the hubby. Yeah, get him in there. What's he like? What's he like? I don't know. I've been met him. I'm gonna meet him tomorrow. I'm excited. He's a doctor. I never met a doctor. I'll never hang out with a doctor Oh, asking about my health will you I will I'm gonna ask about kinds of health questions. He's a lung doctor. I'm gonna get a free x-ray. No, I had a It's been too long. I got it Alleged US capital writer who heckled police for protecting pedophiles served jail time for statutory rape of a 14 year old girl There you go. It's probably we're thinking so he isn't jail served. Oh served. So I don't know he's a hero. All right, all right Well, I had to think of JFK where there was a bunch of ladies you could tell it's like a bachelorette party They were about to hit the hit the plane and go to Tahiti or wherever the hell they were going. They were all jazzed up You know, whoa go girl big big wedding. Yeah, they all had matching shirts. You know those types. Yeah. Yeah, so they were all at the top of the stairs in JFK And they're all excited, but one of them had a bag the size of Rupert's dad I mean this thing was just a crazy luggage bag and she couldn't the escalator was broken right because of the fat guy And she couldn't get the bag down So I go I got it. I grabbed the bag and I brought it down and they were like, oh, you're a good man You are a good man. We need more men like you But it was very nice, but you want to go So what's up with ladies you guys aren't strong? Oh Yeah, you want to get into an argument about sports. I see but I said you're welcome. Thank you moving on But yeah, I got the credit which feels good. That's nice. It was nice So let me tell you about this walk home Please Christopher walk home You're in your head. You're not sick. I get another one by the way When you get January 6th writer pardoned by Trump gets prison sentence for possessing enormous child pornography collection That's the one. That's the one I'm talking about. Yeah child porn and his attorney said that He should be thrown out because the only reason they investigated him was because of January That's hilarious. The reason they investigate him because he was fucking Trust passing on government property right right What happens to the loot of porn? All right, um, there must be a giant vault in the FBI of child porn. They've just seized They burn that I don't think you can burn porn anymore. It's like on a oh, it's on a picture of video tape Yeah, you can just pull the fucking film out. I was thinking that I'm a cliff. All right, so Boston you wake up with the boy now. I didn't realize I'm a piece of shit To go to the airport in Uber the kids got to be in a car seat. They doesn't have to be what you can just hold them Is that a law? We do it all the time people do it. Okay, I don't know what the law is, but I think that as long as you're not driving you won't get in trouble Well Uber has a option to have a car seat car. Yeah, but they never available. Yeah, it takes 75 minutes Yeah, and they're like $800 more for some reason So if you have an Uber get a car seat. It'll wouldn't the one of those cost you $80 You'll make your money back in two days Because they can just upcharge for some reason So we don't have a car seat So we're like all right, how the hell do we gonna get to the airport without a car seat? I go, let's just roll the dice up bet. We'll just hold him And uh, this you know his band of guy picks us up. Hello, we're just holding the baby. We're like is this gonna work? Never says the thing the kids jump it all up and down front seat He's grabbing the wheel. He's changing the radio. He's plugging at his phone And we finally get to the airport after 30 minutes boy. You never stare at that ETA more When you're in a car with a kid. Yeah, it's like oh 19 minutes. Oh 14 minutes. Oh, hey, God come on Then you hit traffic goes up to 15 you're like ah so Then we get to the airport. He's flipping out the whole thing. We finally get through security blah blah blah. It's a 48 minute flight from Boston It's nice. He's going ape shit on the plane. He's just he's got the it's nap time But he doesn't he can't get comfortable. Uh-huh. He can't even blame the kid. So He's flipping out. I'm getting the turnaround by this gay guy. He's like Oh boy I got like I got like three turnarounds in a five minute span and I want to be like you can't breathe We get it. You jealous. Whatever. So I guess he can breathe it just Yeah, you just need some extra elements. Yeah, lady. Uh-huh. So uh He's uh, he's hates us. Yeah, the anxiety's pumping. I'm sick. You're sweating. He won't sit down Doing the pitch that you know what he gets to a screech It's one thing when they're crying but the screech is crazy. Yeah, you remember say by the bill. Yeah, so Finally he passes out and we land right then he wakes up. Okay, you know, it's all the worst. Yeah We get him out there and I got all right. We're getting an Uber and she's like hey We got lucky with that first Uber We got to get the seat the car seat in the next Uber. I'm like all right car seat on lift Looking for driver should take a few minutes like all right all right So I'm letting him run all over baggage claim get it out get it out Huh It's like 50 minutes have gone by still nothing so I go fuck it We're getting an Uber that we're Roll the dice. All the ubers are taken forever. So I go is the Uber shuttle. You know what the shuttle? I don't know Uber shuttle. Uber shuttle goes from LaGuardia to Wall Street, LaGuardia to Brooklyn, LaGuardia to Soho, it does a few. It just does random places. Yeah, it's a bus, but it's an Uber. It's, yeah, it's a sprinter. Oh, okay. But in Wall Street, you could, they're like 20 bucks. Wow. But you're on there with a couple of weirdos. I see, but it's like a super shuttle, but Uber got you. So we get the shuttle and I go, all right, two shuttle. Wait a minute. Can I bring a kid on a shuttle? I'd like to buy him a ticket to the shuttle. Huh, he's under two. Under two. 14 months. Nine and a half weeks. All right. So we go, fuck it. Let's do it. We're getting a little stressed. We bring them on the, on the shuttle. Now the shuttle. He's jumping up and down. He's jumping to the back. See there's a Hasidic couple. They hated us. Everybody hated us tonight. I get from the little, yeah. And for somebody this shuttle wouldn't turn the air on. It was blazing hot. We're all sweating. And I was too scared to bring it up because I had the kid. Right. I have a kid screaming, everybody hated us. There's no music just screaming hot. Couldn't say, hey, can you hit that AC? And he's gonna go, hey, can you shut that fucking kid up? That's why I kept picturing. So finally, we get to Manhattan. And I'm like, uh-oh, I thought we're going to Atlantic Barclays. And the guy goes, oh, we canceled that. And I go, what do you mean? You canceled that. He goes, yeah, we don't do that route anymore. And I go, well, that's what I chose. And he goes, oh, I must have just hardwired you to the, to the Soho one. Or what do you call that? Zipped it, twisted it, hooked it. Yeah, like I guess audible, not audible. We're close abortion. What do you call that when you, when you, uh, default, default. Maybe default. It's all default. Yeah. It's not default. So I clicked Brooklyn and it just sent me to Soho because that's the next closest thing. I should come by. Yeah, well, I was up, that was uptown. That's like a house to Nish. I see. All right. Plus it was a long day. So I go, fuck it. We're getting out here. I had that moment where I had a blonde guy behind me. I go, where are you going? He goes, uh, flat iron. I go, ah, fuck. You know what you're just like, ah, this is all wrong. I don't understand the shuttle exactly. I'll, I'll explain it off here, I guess. But, uh, yeah. So we jump out and then we just get on the D train. Go home, finally get home. The getting home took three hours. The flight was 48 minutes. But we got I'm talking about. This is why I'm out of here. I know. Austin, I can leave my car there for like six bucks a day. I know. Oh, crazy. 15 minutes. I'm home, baby. Yeah. Then you got, you know, your texts are going the whole time because it's a Monday. So everybody's working. It's a nightmare. Oh, fuck. You finally get in. Then the kids like, what are we doing? We get the whole day. Yeah. Too much. Too much. Too much here. The records are too expensive to buy a gift for your buddy. Travel the lifts, the cars, the cabs, the taxis. It adds up. You should move to Austin like Theo. I'm going to move to Texas, baby. That's going to solve all your problems. No problem. Well, all my problems at New York City related. Antidepressant. It's all fucking traffic and traffic and subways and and horse shit. And then I started crunching the numbers on a. All right. I go out into a set. So I get a sitter or you go out to dinner with the wife. So you get a sitter. So dinner in a New York is you got to spend 300 something with a glass of wine and a handy. And then you come back, you pay the sitter 150 and you're like, I'm not like almost a grand on a night out. Yeah. Plus the ubers and whatnot. Yeah. It's an easy living here. An easy being gay. So all right. Sounds like you're convinced we're taking our talents to South Austin. Yeah. Come here. I'm already gone. I'm more of a play no guy. Um, play no white teas. I don't know. That's something. Hey there. Delilah. Remember that song? Oh, yeah. That's it. I didn't like that. So I get it. Damn. I hated it. Is that them? I think so. And who are the chain smokers? They're new. They're like, they're like around for 10 years. Yeah. But playing what Delilah was like the 90s. I feel like no. Hey, it was early 2000s. That was after 9/11. All right. Well, give me hey there, Delilah. Maybe 2003, 2004. But I mean, 20 years old. Sure. Chain smokers. They're 22 years old themselves. Right. Right. So do you each have separate guesses? I'm going to say oh seven. Hey there, Delilah. Could you suck my asshole? I'm going to say before oh seven. I'm going to say oh four. Oh five. Oh, hey, you got me. Um, and then how old are the chain smokers? Give me chain smokers? Yes. Yes. How long these assholes been around? Do you think that's the band that's saying that? No, let's play white teas. Chain smokers came much later as when I'm saying. Yeah. I'm saying that chain smokers were born in 2004, probably. No, the human beings. What's the difference? Well, they went to the band form versus when where they born. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Give me both. Give me both. They said they're active from 2012. Okay. I'm going to go. Here's later. All right. So that's 14 years. That means they got in their basement and started kissing on the lips and recording some bullshit before that. You want to know how old the members are? What am I speaking Greek? I don't know. I don't know. I'm looking for this. I don't know them. Hold on. You keep going. All right. All right. Well, I got some plug. Well, what does the chain smoker sing? I don't even know. I just saw. I don't either. They were part of the SNL. Oh, they did. Yeah. Yeah. They did SNL a few years ago. I think somebody that we know was hosting. Oh, I think it might have been Shane or Nate or somebody. I think it might have been Nate. Oh, I think maybe I thought my head was like Nate's promoting chain smoking. Ah, I could have brought that to after you're done finding the age, figure out who they hosted for. There you go. With the musical guests, but I brought them up because they played March Madness, which I didn't know they did that. There's a basketball game. All of a sudden, two retards go up and start rapping. I'm like, what is this? That's new. You got everything's got to be something. It's like smokers SNL. I'm looking hockey when there's a fight. I didn't know that would happen. You get SNL and get the that's the plan. Oh, I shit myself. 2017 April 8th, 2017. Oh, I know what it was. Louie was hosting. Look at that. That's what it was. You hate them then? Chain smokers. Wait, 2017. So they made it to SNL in five years. I guess so. That's pretty good. Yeah. That's not bad. Maybe they're all right. These smokers. Yeah. I saw them live. These fucking homos. So they were born in 85 and 89. Oh, that's much older than I thought. Yeah. 40. Oh, wow. Yeah. They're like, so do they have to perform 10 feet away from the entrance? I was thinking COVID or the year because it came right after the years. That's why I was confused. All right. Anyway. So me too. Where am I? What the fuck? This comes out in June, I think April 20th. Oh, that's not so crazy. Yeah. We were supposed to do. April 20. Okay. Well, where am I? Oh, Los Angeles, May 7th, May 5th. The Tuesdays with stories. In LA, Netflix fest. May 7th, I'm doing the Hollywood improv. And then our our show is out right now. The end. That's right. Go by you can buy the individual episodes. Just get the whole season. It's like 30 bucks for the whole season. Yeah. It's like 350 an episode. It's worth it. I mean, it's too many bangers. They're all spread out. You got to see it all. It's like seven hours. It's going to be so good. So please go by that. Check it out. It's a wreck to consume a pre-sale too. I think that's going to be over by the time. Okay. Okay. Let's go to the end. I don't know. So anyways, go do that. Go check that out. Get on the Patreon. We're fucking hitting it hard. The Patreon. We got a new hot case sets. We just recorded whatever the hell it's called. You got that video is going to be up there of us running around doing shows. And I got the big Europe Glasgow Bristol London. We added a show Dublin Belfast. Wow. A bunch of other fun stuff coming. Hey, all right. Ed and the shows in the UK. That's cool. I've been chatting to Nuga Tennessee folks. You're not going to want to miss that at the Walker theater that I'm in Raleigh. Casino Ramon Ontario. Don't forget Regina and Monkton Canada at the Moulson Canadian Center side splitters, Spokane Comedy Club, Philadelphia, Milwaukee, Irvine, California, Tempia, Arizona, Royal Oak, Michigan, the Netflix Fest. Get on the Patreon. Quafe it up. Praise a lot. Trump stole my line. I'm gay. Next I'll be saying Kevin Hart. See you all in hell. Hey, Chuck. Chuck. Check out my podcast. Fun bearable. And I'm doing a very fun film project. Still looking for some backers to finish it up. Joe saw a bunch of scenes the other day. I watched a bunch of stuff while we were paying Chuck to film us. He was showing us his sitcom. Very funny. That is very funny. And yeah, if you want to back. It's insane. Right. Isn't it? Yeah. It's fucking crazy. Like the stuff we pulled off. Yeah. It's like so wild. Yeah. All right. Mark's on one thing. You saw the jewelry. Very funny. Very funny. We have your incident getting involved in a fun thing like that and backing. Just find me on @discountshock on Instagram and Twitter. Good stuff. You hear that? Stop up. Nothing's coming out. Oh, it's coming out, it's flying all over the place, right into my mouth. Alright, we'll see you next time! Happy Sick, next episode.