#651 Lilo and Glitch

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hitter in the face of the surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah this Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy we're back in 66 degrees outside I got construction up my ass I think a water main blue Portland main here we are what's shaking fatty good to be here I think it's gonna get to 77 today well that's how New York does it it's 43 you freeze it you want to quit you want to kill yourself you want to move to Cleveland yet yeah and then one day go hey it's Tuesday 79 what the fuck and then you know what the hell it's sweltering I'm gonna take my own life we got about six weeks of good weather here it's like a bipolar friend you know you're like hey this guy's great we're so fun that one day's like I hate myself I fucked my dad whatever you're like oh geez go back to the other guy I know it's it's crazy out there but then and then you look at the weather this is that time of year you look at the weather the seven day forecast yeah it's like 76 69 all right and then next Monday yeah 47 and snowing you know Jesus because you don't just want good weather you want good weather consistent comment give me all the good yeah yeah exactly because you think oh we're it this is how it is now and it slips on you it's like a like a moody wife exactly or a bipolar friend aha that's good analogy but anyways yeah it's nice out there a little cloudy but happy to be roaming around outside in the nice weather I just came from Florida and speaking of weather I got stories that are all about weather well I've got a Florida that's what happens you become Jewish you become old Cuban and you talk about the weather well the Cubans I mean I have a lot to talk about please I got a long list of stuff here now I like I know we like to riff and raff and bullshit but I got so much I gotta get it okay okay let's get in there I got to get it off my chest off my my tits here well well speaking of Cubans and Florida so I did the Fort Lauderdale improv have you done this room I'm doing it two weeks oh that's right Dania Beach Dania Beach yes that's what I was my whole opening I'm like what the fuck town is this do you even know what town it is the great thing about that club is it's three minutes from the airport and it's a nice hotel and all that stuff all right all right I'm sold so far Florida airport beach hotel now I don't want to besmirch the comedy club I'm going there soon take it easy well the thing is I guess and I've heard multiple different things Florida time Miami time so what's it Cuban Cuban time Cuban sandwich these shows started eighty five minutes late if it was a foot I'm talking the seventh thirty started at nine the nine I was like fucking guns and roses down there and you know me I'm a big queasy nerd and and consider it frankly and so I'm at the club the shows at seven I'm there at six o'clock I got you know I'm I'm sitting there with a chef's hat and a pair of block goggles I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about a green tea you're with notebook you're ready I got my blueberries my notebook open and I'm sitting there with my arms folded going I'm ready when you are and now I have to say the week before maybe I talked about this on last week's episode I can't remember anything I did laugh it up a kipsy I boy Cal great great weekend and I start he started the show eight minutes early I love it it's crazy I mean I I talked about this already I think we did a fucking meet and greet sold shirts finger to girl blew a guy and I was out the door at eleven on a nine third show oh that's a great night so in my mind I'm like all right we start on time and here's the thing to all the comedy clubs out there if you start the show on time every time eventually people will stop coming at nine forty for the night it's like a flight you gotta teach him yes yes and by the way flights could leave eight minutes early if they want it because you have to be there 30 minutes early anyway exactly sometimes they do so you go it's the chicken in the egg they go we're gonna hold because not everyone's here yeah no one's here because they've never shown up and had the show not start yes bad egg and my people you people listening the greatest fans in the world by the way and it obviously it's easier to make fun of the ones who are idiots who are like you got to call the FBI you check went missing most of the fans are the greatest on earth yes they're there early to now they're suffering so they got a suffer because you know Pedro Serrano is fucking Jake Guevara not coming yeah this is why you're in a war cubes so I love the club the club is awesome staff is great great staff but infection we're sitting there going like idiots without a piece of cake I'm like what is going on so then the seven o'clock show on Saturday starts at seven twenty five I see which I'm like a psychotically OCD you know early person you so I'm just like let's go yeah and you talk about the greatest clubs of all time comedy on stage they start on the dot you better believe it Fanny and if you're not there you missed the opening yeah it's like the previews of the movies previews Jerry so the show star the seven o'clock show starts at seven twenty five we're doing the meet and greet and there's the lines out the door it's very exciting but now the door the line for the nine p.m. they're lined up so now that the nine thirty I mean they're just watching the whole meet and I hate that and I'm just like I look so awkward and they're standing outside like assholes kills the mystique to go there is there's that guy so then finally the meet and greet ends at nine seventeen p.m. the next much was to start in 13 minutes they're all outside no chance of that I'm like you guy you're killing me not to mention I go to bed at eleven o'clock ah so I just wanted to get that off my chest I got plenty more to talk about but what do you make of this I mean that is crazy and I know Florida's Lucy Goosey laid back man it's the beach it's maggots to Sanctus he had dolphin country but if the first show starts late the second show is gonna be way late now you got upset customers the show is worse it's a domino pizza effect domino motherfucker everything just gets worse and worse and worse and I say now that's where I become a stickler come guzzlin juface you got to punish these late comics there's got to be a penalty there's got to be repercussions hey you're the host you're late we started right what are you doing here that the show is timed at this time you're not here we cuz I like a two man so if the host is already late I'm already like okay I needed any excuse to get rid of a host you're done right put Matt Wayne on that way well we had to do that Friday but really yeah oh wow we just like well we got to start the show but that's what I don't understand is like just let the audience show up and go what the fuck the show's half over yeah we started but also here's the other thing and I used to say this about these Brooklyn shows yes respectfully to the neighborhood every Brooklyn show New York comics know would start an hour late and I'm like we'll start do whatever you got to do to trick the audience but tell me tell me don't trick me because now I've walked over here I'm spending my whole night in the green room one trick pony tell me the show is starting 20 minutes late the hotels 300 feet away so I could have been beating off with the bars open my ass until 720 instead of the 650 and I canceled the other show because I thought this was gonna be at seven but now we're here at eight so now I missed a show and I want to kill everybody so that was all funky butts but the club itself is awesome funky butts the little area is great yeah so let me can I take you through the whole thing do you want to get some stuff out well let me just say the complaint train just how shwits here I come I would go there's no penalty for these comics who go like 12 minutes over or eight minutes over because now you're pushing other people out and they don't get in trouble either right so for doing a whole repercussion thing I want to throw them in the mix too all right I'm done yeah the over people I never understand and now they have the clock ticking which they should have everywhere every comedy in the world I'm staying over here that's bad to it today that's fucking wiping baby shit all day I can't do an adult shit that's funky so every but's every comedy club I know it smells like a lord a shoe with like old cheese in it I was like I ran burning it's like a it's a it's a cheese foot cheese foot every club should have the clock ticking up including clubs in the city so then you're like we don't even need the light right just and then you can't light me early yeah I go no no no I'm at 15 you could ask me to do 12 yes and it's visual shaming oh now you're you know you're supposed to do 13 14 minutes now you're 21 right it's right there point that yeah exactly suck it okay it just it's not it just makes no sense anymore the light system should be out with uh. What's those system that's over now? Uh, maybe a. I got a record player or a. Yeah, but records kind of came back. All right, what about a landline? Yeah, yeah. How about having a dial up? A dial up. You're not going to have a dial up. You're not going to have a dial up in it. You should just be a clock. The stand, the seller, the whatever, the whatever. Because even the big guys that can do as much time as they want and they've earned it. Chris Rock, Dave Shapel, Louis Sique. It's a different story. But they can still have a thing going. Jesus, 90 minutes. Right. Because they lose track. You lose track. If you're. Now, I've never been in the position in my life to be like, do as much time as you want. No, no. That's a whole other bag of hammers. But yeah. The Brea Improv, it's a big room, great room. Right. But they got a clock, the size of a like a. In-an-out billboard. Yeah. In the back. Just big red digits. You can't miss it. And it's great. Yeah. A Rupert-sized clock. Yeah. I can't have a shout-out rumors in Winnipeg. First club I ever saw with that. That was about six years ago. Shout-out to Tyler. I'm coming back there next year. Great. Club, great guy. Great guy, Tyler Schultz. And professional football player up there and get it. Well, he's got the beefy shoulders on. That's a big, stocky cunt. Yeah, he's a beefcake. Well, maybe he played college. I can't remember. But I think it was pro. That was the first club I ever saw with the clock. Starts at zero and goes, boop boop boop boop. Yeah. I'm not saying you got to get a big time-ex sponsor to come by and, in the wall, get the radio alarm on the stage too. I'll take that. But it's got to click up. I can't do the math. I can't do the math. I can't do the 918 plus 15. Yeah. 10-0-2, fuck me. You feel like a pedophile. You're like, wait a minute. 17. What's legal. I'm out of here. And here's another thing, by the way. And this happens a lot at some clubs. But a lot of independent shows. And I don't want to get too inside baseball. People give the light. I don't know why they do this. They give the light with the flashlight. Which lights up with the phone. It lights up the room. The whole room. But just the screen itself will do. Yeah. It's a dark room. I see a phone going away. You don't need to turn the flashlight. They're doing this thing. It's more code. And then the whole crowd is like, why is there a fucking light? Yeah. It looks like a boat's coming in the harbor. All right. I got it. Yeah. So no light. Just a clock. Ticking up. See you guys are listening. Get the clock. Okay. We got it out. Woo. Thank you. Good. That was a good little rancest. We're like Dennis Miller. So I got about 350 things I got to touch on here. But I'll speed right through. Get through it. Okay, bitch. Yeah. Yeah. You ever try to open a Capri Suns? Hard to get into. Then Martha Stewart on some dirty sheets. That's one of his little bits. Woof. I love that. It bombed. And you had to immediately be like, that was Dennis Miller. That was his bit. That's not me. That wasn't even a pause. That was a man. Yeah. I couldn't come up with it. Hey, thanks. Oh, man. I thought black and white was a good specimen. No, he was great. Of course. Oh, really. We're like 180 dollar the guy. Well, you can. Yeah. He's old now. He's been around. And then he should have Michelle Wolfe that time. That was a little game. I'm like, you're a comedian. What's wrong with you? I agree. No, he's great. I love doing Dennis Miller. And big influence on a lot of guys. That's true. Yeah. Absolutely. The Apollo, all this stuff. Anywho. Any thoughts. All right. Back to the scheduled program. So my agent, Tommy Poochie, out of the pooch, you know. The pooch. You're the pooch. Sick the pooch on him. He's the greatest. He booked this weekend. Fort Lot of improv. I hope so. To align with the Miami open tennis. That's a good Asian man. So I'm a big tennis homo. Homeless said the F word. I corrected myself. We're trying to improve it. It's 2026. Well, assholes are listening. So. He booked the weekend. So I go, okay, great. I'm going to fly down Wednesday. Matt Wayne's big tennis guy. He's my opener. So I go, well, go down Wednesday. We'll check out the quarter finals. And there's nothing better, as you know. Maybe you don't know. Maybe you don't feel the same way. But I love traveling with no show. Oh, like the night before. Yeah. I'll go to the tennis event. We'll have no show. Being on the road with no obligation. Oh, that's a vacation. It's a vacation. So you go, okay, we'll get there a day early. That way if you're flights delayed. Who cares? Right. Yeah, it's very calming, very freeing. Well, here's the thing to it. I'll let everybody in on a little bit of business. And everyone can relate to this, I think, no matter what your job is. Even if like us, you have the funnest job of all time. You got that right. Telling jokes. We're joking around. It's my favorite thing to do is stand up comedy. But when you're traveling the day of, you still have that feeling of like, I got to work tonight. Yes. I got a little, you got a little looming. An unseeable but feelable air of obligation. I got to have to shower. I'll have to get dressed. I'll have to get there in time. I'm going to have to, you know, talk to a couple of things. Yes. Do whatever. It could go horribly. It could be bad. Exactly. I got to work. Even if it's the funnest, best, coolest job that we love. You're still a thing of like, I have a thing. Yes. Yes. There's a thing. Agreed. Where if you have nothing, you're like, maybe I'll jerk off at 8 p.m. Yeah. Maybe I'll, you know, whatever. And if you go to a sporting event or another show, like you go catch a movie, it's on them. You entertain me. Right. And then you get to sit back and bask in it. Exactly. When we have a show, it's the exact opposite. Josh Baskin. So we're going down Wednesday. We got the tennis tickets. I bought them in advance. Nice tickets, a couple of hundo, big matches, exciting. You get served. But it's the whole thing of the airports. The airports is three hour line. Yes. Five hour line. TSA shut down. The country shut down. Nuclear war. Right. So you have this thought of like, am I going to be able to fly? What's the flight situation? Sure. And all of that happened to happen in a place where I had two weeks off from travel. Normally, I'm flying. I know what's going on. That worked out. But I just had two weeks. So I was like, I don't know what the airports are. So I'm texting people. I felt like my mother being like, what's it like at the airport? Yeah, yeah, right. What time do you get to the airport? Uh-huh. You know, my app idea that never went to fruition. Give me the airport business. That's huge. That's what I've been huge during these past two weeks. But you know, me, I don't do things. Well, I had the similar idea. And I talked about it in a special about. You should be able to see what the pool looks like at the hotel. Ah, the pool. Well, you get a window. Well, sometimes you're lucky. But that's for jerking off. Yeah, you got that right. So kids swim. Um, so there's the TSA thing. So I have that going on. Is the TSA? We're going to be able to take off. On top of that, the week before last, Sarah got hit with COVID. Rocked. Whoa. And she's not a sick, complaining person. She had a 105 temperature. You know, fucking, she gained 300 pounds. She was shit and blood. She was puke and cum. I mean, she was out of it. Out of it. Okay. Out of it. I mean, like, delirious. Fuck the sweat of the bed was all wet. Wow. How about that? Now, so I was spared because I had it in November right before Skankfest. Bless you. So, but there's part of you that's like, am I going to get this? Is my next week going to be? Am I going to have this? Shitty feeling. So I'm asking Chad GBT. If I had it in November, will I get it soon? So she gets, she's sick. So now I'm running around. So I have this feeling of, is this weekend going to happen? Yes. Am I going to get the COVID flu? Hey, do you want to see this tennis? Am I got, ooh, that stinks. Yes, sorry. Am I going to get TSA'd? So I had this air of, mmm, nervous. Even on a no-show day, you got an air. Yeah. It's got the air. All right. Air Jordan. So then Tuesday night before I'm leaving. All of a sudden, I start to get a little sore throat. Oh, I hate it. Itchy throat. Little sniffles. A throat goat. Couple of sneezes. Then. I do it. So then, listen to that. Now this is where it's going to get crazy. I got some crazy shit about to happen. All right, all right. Lay it on me. Get ready. I'm waiting. So I'm looking at my way. You know, I got the, I'm on the third story. We look out over the street. So I got the baby. I wake up in the morning. We're looking at construction. It's all construction out there. Been there. And I bend over to, you know, grab my shoe or whatever the fuck. I stand up. And the sidewalk, whoo, comes up. Huh. Everything moves. My head spins. I almost fell over. I go, what the fuck? The sidewalk shifted. The trees bent. Whoa. My dick grew. The baby farted. What do you want acid? It felt like acid. I almost fell over. I was like, what the fuck was that? Yeah. That was crazy. Oh, no. I'd never seen anything like that. But you have a moment where you go, okay. Well, that was, that was nuts. Huh? But maybe that was a glitch. Everyone's normal. You get a glitch. Yeah. You get a glitch. You know, the fence looks like it's going, wow, wow, wow, or some shit. You understand everything. Oh, sometimes. Well, maybe you ship blood. Everyone's normal. You get a pain. We were like, what? Yeah. And you're like, what the fuck was that? And it never happens again. Yes. Yeah. I have had that. So you get glitchy. So I'm like, well, that was weird. The sidewalk moved. I almost fell over. Lilo and glitch. And then, by the way, we park acid that day. So I came here. All right. I came here after that. We park acid. We did a couple of chuckles and some who has. You came here. I cleaned it up. I felt great. So I know. All right. Well, I got a little sore throat. I got a little sniffle. I got a sneeze here and there. But I'm okay. I leave. I get in the subway. I'm feeling a little foggy. Oh, no. A little fog. But nothing crazy. And I think, I'm anxious. My anxiety is up. I don't know what it is. It's the move into Texas. It's the move into Cleveland. It's the, you know what I mean? I'm half gay. Yeah. Fog of war. I got gigs. And you know what it is? I bet it's the TSA thing. I don't know what. I'm in store for. Okay. So I'm like I got some kind of fog. I'm just stressed out need to meditate. Mm-hmm. Get off the subway. I'm walking home to go see my boy. I look at my phone. I look at a text whatever the sidewalk. Oh, my tree goes. Oh, what? The sidewalk tilts. I smell over. I go, I go, I had to grab a tree. This like two guys looking at me like what's up with this guy? I just fall in the sadly called a spell. I had a spell. The Satan got me. Whoa. The spirits got me. - You got the vapors. - I fucking fell, I had to catch a tree. I was like, whoa, the tree was walking. The sidewalk was whipping. And I'm like, my rods and cones are screwed up. - You're having an episode. - I'm having a spell episode. - Whoa. - So I go, what the fuck? I was like, I gotta call my mother. I gotta get my affairs in order. - Sure. - I got somethings up. - Oh, mama. - So I start crossing the street. And I live across the West Side Highway, which is a big six lane thing. The street is tilting. I'm tilting off to the side. - Is it kind of fun? Did you been sober for 10 years? - Well, I'll get to that. - All right, all right. - So the crosswalk is doing railway. - Whoa! - And I go, I gotta get off the street. Some in, I'm in peril here. - Whoa, hey. - Joe peril. So I get home. And I'm like, I tell Sarah, I'm like, hey, I got Vertigo with something, my kick at heart. - I might, oh, hopefully the mic picked that up 'cause that was a low rumble. - Yeah, that was, I think it. - I had hard boiled eggs. - Well, you got soft boiled asshole. - Yeah. - So scrambled. - Hi there folks, it's me, Joe List. With my pal Mark Norman, we host a podcast together for 75 years. It's called Tuesday's With Stories. And this particular episode is brought to you by Blue Choo Gold, baby. They had Blue Choo. I took Blue Choo. I shoved it in every hole I had. It was the best sex, best love making most confidence I ever had. That's out. You can't even get Blue Choo anymore. The new thing is Blue Choo Gold. Gold and baby, Blue Choo Gold is a four in one tablet designed to increase blood flow and arousal. It dissolves under your tongue and gets you right in the mood so you can be ready for action in as little as 15 minutes. I love it. I stuck it right under my tongue. 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Tell 'em we set you. Thank you. Back to the show. So I get upstairs and I'm like, I start talking to chat GBT and Google. I'm like, I got vertigo. What's going on here? Yeah, I've seen the film. Yes, yes. Good movie. I'm wacky. So I call text Patrick. I got standspots that night. I'm like, I'm out. I'm sick. I got something wrong with me. I'm dizzy. So then I think, oh, I know what's going on. I am getting COVID. But I had tested earlier that day 'cause we had a test laying around. She had a test. Tesla. So I did a test. Like, let me see. Maybe I'm in the early stages. It's gonna take a turn. Sure. Negative. Weird. But I'm all dizzy. Now you're scared 'cause I sidewalk and trees flopping and flapping as it'll spook you. Well, it's spooky, but I think, well, I got to call Sarah's been very sick. If she wasn't sick, I would have been more scared. But I'm like, she's been dying. And she's had it all. She was shitting and temperature and the whole thing. So I'm like, we're living together. Yeah. I probably got what she had and I had a sore throat. Okay. So I'm thinking, I got to call and some stop. Not crazy. Yeah. I'm thinking I'm a little sick and what can happen is, you know, your sinus is your ear, nose and throat. It's all connected. Yeah. So I'm like, I bent my ears a little fucked up. I'll pipe. Exactly. So I'm like, my ears probably fucked up. It's fucking with my balance. So I'm googling light cold ear vertigo. Text my manager and agent. I'm like, hey man, just so you know, I'm sick. I'm worried I'm gonna get extra sick. Can we warn the club? Uh-huh. Just get out in front of it. I don't know what's gonna happen here. I may be bailing. So they go, okay, we'll talk to them. Don't worry. People get sick. No problem. So I sit down. I tell Sarah, I'm nauseous. I call Patrick, cancel the spots. I'm like, okay, I can just rest. No big deal. Sitting there, the room starts going. Oh man. Spinning. Maybe in a bad oyster. And I go, man, I gotta tell you, Sam, I'm nauseous and she goes, I was nauseous all week from the COVID. Okay, here we go. And I go, okay, you were nauseous. I was, I'm nauseous. I probably got COVID, even though I tested negative and I've had COVID three times, didn't feel anything like this. It's like, all right, let's just watch a program. I took the night off. Let's just chill. Program. Room spinning. All of a sudden. Boom. Oh, here it comes. I go, I don't feel good. I run to the bathroom. I'm puking everywhere. Whoa. Perfect. Like the fucking exorcist. Whoa. What is this? The hamburger with no patty? Crazy. I don't know what that was. I'm like, I'm like Lardas and stand by me. Wow. Pute bars. My legs are in the air. Headstand. Oh, man. You're like a supermodel. It's crazy. So I come running back and luckily, my wife never believes anyone's sick unless she sees it here as puke. So she's like, oh, my God, you're sick. Yeah, no shit, lady. Well, what would you eat? I had nothing. I had hamburger meat with her taco meat, but she had the same thing. She's talking a million bucks. Okay. So I'm like, I had taco. Could it be you? I'm like, are you sick? She's like, no. And I had the spin skis in the morning, right before I ate anything. So I go, I got this. This is crazy. So, this is crazy. I go to bed. I'm like, all right. I know what it is. I got COVID. I got AIDS. No problem. Positive. Wake up the next morning. I got my flight at 1030. I go, I'll feel better tomorrow. I'll fly down to Florida. Worst case scenario. I get COVID. I'm sick in Florida, but I can chill and get the sun. We'll blast it out. The sun is a healing God. Absolutely. So I wake up six in the morning. Your flight's been canceled. Ah. Just canceled. Wow. TSA. Just whatever. It just goes no, no like, oh, maybe because the fucking crash happened the day before. Ah. The Tiger Woods. So they just go, your flight's canceled. So I call my agent. I go, listen. I'm dizzy. I threw up my flight's canceled. I'm fucked over here. Yeah. We have to tennis that night. It's just over. They didn't even, they couldn't even get you on another flight. It was just one of those. Well, they're just like forget it, forget it. What's going on in this country? Well, I think I got an idea. I see. Yeah. So, but don't worry, the economy. So I go, you got to, you got to call this club because I'm throwing up. I'm falling over. And they're like more nervous than I. And they're like, go to the hospital. - Whoa. - Do you feel better in the morning? - I feel a little better, but still dizzy, but I'm not barfing. - Okay. - So they go, "You gotta get to a doctor ASAP." - Oh, that sounds like ayahuasca or something crazy. - Oh, it's funky. So I go, he calls the club and I go, I take the baby, Sarah had to go, "Whatever, do some shit." I took the baby, I'm in there, I'm a little walky, but I'm stabilized. - Uh-huh. - I call my agent, he calls the club. He calls back, he goes, "Okay, talk to the club." I just shit all over the club for starting late. But the owner, couldn't have been nicer, couldn't have been more understanding. He goes, "Here's what we'll do. We're gonna cancel the Thursday show. Take all the Thursday ticket holders, push them to Friday." - I love this idea. - And he goes, "In fact, we'll cancel the late show Friday. We'll merge all the tickets." I sold nice tickets, but not sell out. - Sure. - This is not my market. So he goes, "We'll condense five shows to three." - Oh my, this is a great agent. - He's a great man. Now this is the owner of the club. - Oh, sorry. - Working in concert with the agent. So he goes, "That way, you have all day to next. It's Wednesday." He goes, "You get all day and night to rest. Thursday, you don't have to think about getting on a flight tomorrow." - Okay. - So you can rest all day Thursday, and then when you come down Friday, all you have to do is get through one show. Is that beautiful? - That is beautiful. It's so considerate. - There are people in this world who understand, they care. - They get it. - They think. Plus, now instead of five pretty well-attended shows, I got three packed-out shows. - I love it. - So I go, "This is money." - That's lunch. - So I go, "Crocodile Dundeele, I'll buy a Friday ticket, and now I have two full days home with no obligations. I'll rest up. I'll go to a doctor at the major. Like, "You gotta go to the doctor today." So I go, "I'm gonna go to Urgent Care." - "Good day, mate." - "I need Urgent Care. I'm fucking dizzy. I'm throwing up." I go over to Urgent Care. I go, "Hey, listen, sister. I got a toe here, step on it." I go, "I'm barfing. I'm dizzy. I feel like a million bucks. Otherwise, I got a little sore throat." My father's gay. - Sure. - So she does a COVID test, a flu test, and a strep test. - Yeah, a lot of tests. - Negative, negative, negative. - So I go, "All right. Well, what else could be going on?" She goes, "I'm gonna check your sugar." - Oh, shit, the sugar test. - So now I get nervous, 'cause, you know me, I eat three donuts every morning, two brownies in the afternoon. - Your sugar show no malice. - I get a fucking, I know him. I have a spaghetti at night. - I have a little dinner. - You know, I drank Coca-Cola, french fries, McDonald's. - I'm seeing the bill. - I'm a homo. - Yes, yes. - She goes, "We gotta do a sugar test." And I'm like, "Oh, I don't know. "Is that completely necessary?" (laughing) - You're a sugar daddy. - I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. That seems a little, what am I, a fat guy, come on. - That seems crazy. And I literally, without exaggeration, just had two donuts with Martin, like two full fucking glazed donuts. - Oh, mama. - And I'm afraid of needles. So I'm like, "Well, I don't know about this sugar thing, "but now it's a finger prick. "It's the little, you know." - Oh, those are all right. - Yeah, not too bad. So I go, "All right, so you know, trembling." - I'm the same way. - My dick's hard, I'm nervous. And it's like a 14 year old black girl with a voice like this. She's like, "I'll take your sugar." Like she had the highest little voice. - Sure. - Good and sweeter. - Why do I have to hit the finger end? I use that constantly. Hit the up, but hit something that's not always touching something. Now I got an open wound on the thing I touch. Elevator button, subway pull. That's where the wound is. - It's a good point. - It's a point. - Yeah. - Hit my knee, hit my ear or something. - Knee. - So I go, "All right, so I give my finger." - Yeah. - And I just, I glance at the thing 'cause I want to see the number 'cause I'm gonna ask Chad G.B.T. as soon as this bitch leaves the room. - Yeah. - And I go, "All right, looks like 85.85." - Yeah, you know, the- - Out of 100? - I don't know what it sounds. - Okay. - So I go, "Well, is that bad? "Is that good?" And she goes, "Oh, I can't say, I'm not the doctor." So she leaves the room and I'm like, "What does 85 mean? "I got my finger prick." - Oh yeah, glucose. - And she comes back and the lady's like, "Your sugar is perfect," right on the money. - Wow. - Couldn't be better. And I go, "Well, I just had two donuts." And she's like, "Well, I don't know, "if you had two donuts and it's 85, you're Superman." - Wow, is this the American scale? - I think I've got to be different over here 'cause all we eat is sugar. - I eat more sugar than anyone I ever met, but my thing is right down the middle. - Oh sugar cane. - Yeah, so I go, "Okay, great, 85, perfect." So sugar's fine, blood pressure's fine. It's a tick high, it's always high. Blood pressure's fine, she does a neurological, I'm doing this shit. - Oh yeah, the adjusting timber link. - That's fine, checks in my ears, ears look fine, eyes fine, everything looks fine. - That's good, you gotta check up. - And so I got like a free checkup, basically not free, charge me, but I go, so what the fuck? 'Cause I almost fell over, I'm throwing up. She goes, "You gotta go to an ear nose throat." - Ah, another stop. - I go, "Okay, so I make the appointment for later that day." - But hey, God, good on you, do you get a good bill of health here? - Yeah, good blood pressure, good sugar. I mean, the blood pressure is a little high, but tick, a tick. - A tick not high. - A tick not high, so I go, "Okay." So I make the ear nose throat appointment. That's at four o'clock, so I got a few hours to kill. I'm walking around dizzy, I got a cold. - Okay. - So then they do this thing, they call, I make the appointment, I'm like, "There we go, then I got a call." - Hey, we actually don't take your insurance. This country's a fucking nightmare. - Yeah, there's a way I don't have insurance. They go, "They don't take your insurance." And they go, "Well, they just said that you took my head." But blah, blah, blah, I go, "I'll pay out of pocket." Okay, I show up, the lady goes, "Hey, we've been trying to reach you, we've called you four times." Well, you can't have an appointment. You're not in our insurance. And I go, "No, no, I talked to a guy. I kept my appointment. I want the appointment." I don't care what the cost. I need a fucking diagnosis. - Yes, yes. - She goes, "Oh, I didn't realize you talked to somebody." I'm like, "Well, why don't you guys connect to each other?" - Yeah, call a talk to them when you talk to me. So I go into the ear and nose throat doctor. She looks in my ear. She's like, "All the crystals are. " 'Cause you have crystals. They fall over evidently. - Ah. - Yeah. - Crystal meth. - So the crystals fall good. She goes, "Your eyes look good. "Your dick looks hard. "Your assholes lose." - That's good for me. - So that she goes, "All right, I'm gonna do a test." So she leans me back and turns my head. - Room is just flipping around, spinning. My legs, I start kicking, I'm like, "Put me back up, put me up, lady." I can't, I'm gonna die. She goes, "Oh, I'm back into the left." - And I sit up and everything's shaking and walking. I'm gonna barf. - Wow. - I'm like, "What the fuck was that?" She goes, "I gotta do one more test." I go, "Okay, she leans me back the other way. "Turns my head." I go, "Whoa, I can't." - The room's falling over. The dialysis machine spills. I come in her tits. - I'm worried about you. What the hell is that, is that the fluids are off? So she gets on the computer. She goes, "What you have is called vestibular neuritis." - What, that sounds serious. - It affects four in 100,000 people. Which I don't know why they don't just say one in 25,000. What is that? - Oh, yeah. - You look it up, it says four in 100,000. I'm like, "That's one in 25." - That's weird. - Four, wait, four out of 2,500. - Four out of 100,000 people will experience this. So, which is the same as one out of 25, I don't really get it. But maybe there's some reason why they do that. I don't know. So, vestibular neuritis is the diagnosis. You have a vestib, you had tubes in your ears. - I did. - vestibular nerve runs back there. It's all balanced. It's the rods and coals. - Whoa. - And it could get inflamed from just a cold. And this is like the lightest cold I ever had in my life. - Whoa. - So it got all fucked up. - What about the yacking? - That's one of the symptoms that it's called the acute phase. The first four days, the acute phase, you're nauseous and like serious vertigo. - Whoa. - And so I had vert, when people have vertigo, whatever. - My dad has vertigo. - It's crazy. - It's bad, he has to sit down on the stairs to go down 'cause he'll go nuts and fall. - Well, Derek was telling me Jason Day, the golfer. He's like one of the best golfers in the world. And he's by his own name. He went to a golf match when he has vertigo and he was just laying next to the green, had to quit the tournament. He was just laying on the grass. - One of the best athletes in the world, just fucking dead. - Yeah, for my dad, it's fluid. The fluid is off. - Well, you gotta watch out for that, I guess. - Oh, he's cheesy, right. - And you had the tubes, that doubles your chances. - Yeah, my life's in the tubes. - Eight out of 50, have that. - Shit. - It's gonna be one in 2800. - Okay. - So I got the stimulant neuritis. - Wow. - And we'll go away, she gave me steroids. - Oh! - Pretend to zone. She's like, I'm gonna give you a fucking steroids, so I'm jack. - Wow, what are you, Johnny Mansell? - So she gives me steroids and then the steroid causes fucking jitter-ness and you can't sleep. You're all crazy. - Oh, you hopped up and you can have royal rage. - So now I got royal rage. My balls are teeny, my dick is huge still. - All right. - I'm jittered up, I'm dizzy. I'm still dizzy right now, by the way. - Whoa. - It's only been a week. - One to two, it's some people have it chronically for like six months or something or forever. - But it is curable. - It'll go away, it's supposed to go away. It's, I'm not a big chronic guy, so I think it'll go away. - I don't know if it's a good album. - But I'm still fucked up. It's worse when I'm sitting down. It's bad when I'm fucking. When I look back behind me, it gets really funky. - Oh, but maybe you can vibrate on her. - Well, I'm trying. I was sucking at her toes and I fell over. - Well, that's a sticky toe. I'm taking the whatever the f*cking. - Cold steroids. - Yeah. And I'm just all fucked. I'm all fucked up, Jerry. - Man. - But it was scary and I was like, it comes on from a cold, sometimes COVID or flu, but I was like, but I barely have a cold. She's like, that's all it takes is just some kind of, whatever. - Well, why now? You've had a million colds in your life. Why is it now hitting you at just age? - I think it's just the same as anything. It rarely affects children, but it could happen at any age. - Got it. - But I think it's the one of those things you get. - You get a rash, you get a boner, you get gay, you get. - Sure. - Whatever, cancer. - In that order. - No, wait a minute, are you okay? I mean, 'cause you're a hypochondriac slightly. Is this weird to know you have a thing? Is that better than thinking you have a thing? - Well, what you have to diagnose this, you're like, okay, I've got to be dizzy for a few days. - Right. - Whatever, I mean, it's fucked up. It has like a brain fog feeling. It actually feels worse last night and today than it did the day before. But I read about it. I think stress and a lot of travel. Car rides, flights, yesterday, I was flying all day. I was in cars all day, didn't sleep so well. Dehydration, lack of sleep, all that stuff can contribute. - Got it. - Got it. - So, it should go away in the next week or so. It's still a little funky, but you also get used to it and it improves on its own. - Okay. - So, hopefully the inflammation or whatever goes down, but it was scary. - That's walkie-jerry. I mean, the sidewalk and the trees is cuckoo. - Yeah, it was fucked up. So then, I missed the tennis. 'Cause when's that good? I had no flight anyways. That's the thing that was crazy. Even if I wasn't sick, my flight just never took up. - Yeah. - Wow. - So, let me just fast forward. I went down Friday as planned and it was perfect. 'Cause I had the one show, even though I was dizzy and funky, did the one show, it was great. Two shows Saturday, great. So then Sunday, I was like, well, stick around till Sunday. Because we're gonna go to the final. Men's Championship Sunday, and then Sarah and Marty flew down Saturday. - Why? - Because I was gonna be gone Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I don't like to be away that long. So I was like, I'll fly you guys down. That way I don't have to miss five days with my boy. - Yeah. - So they fly down Saturday, but now, I didn't go till Friday. So, I wasn't gonna be gone five day. I've only been gone one day. - Ah, good point. - So now they just fly down on my vacation. - Yeah, they're running every time. - So I'm like, all right, welcome. So now I'm barfing. I got a cold. I'm dizzy. Now I got the family also. - All right. - And then Sunday comes and I go, all right, you guys will swim in the pool at the hotel. - Yes, please. - Matt and I, we're gonna go to the men's final. - Now we're talking. - Now we're all set. Finally, I'm gonna get some tennis. 'Cause Wednesday, we missed a classic. We go for Sunday, two days ago. Pouring rain. - Ah, what a weekend. - Four hour rain delay. We saw 20 minutes of tennis. Four and a half hour rain delay. Then we saw an hour of tennis. Then another rain delay. We failed. They never swam. 'Cause it just rained all day. - Ah, so they flew down and sit in a hotel room. - They flew down, sat in the hotel. I miss both tennis. I bought two tickets to two tennis events. - I know. - And saw 45 minutes of tennis. I just shit, a thousand dollars down the toilet. - Oh. - threw up on the sidewalk, had to grab a tree. - Yeah, not to mention the urgent care pay. - Well, that wasn't too bad. - That was like 75 bucks or something. - Oh, that's not bad, but wow. But Sarah must have been peeved. - Well, she was, I mean, first of all, she's just relieved to be healthy again. She was so sick so now. And then we did swim Saturday. We all swam. - Me, her, Matt, Kramer, the butler, the baby. So we had Saturday and Sunday she took a workout class. I had the baby all morning. So she got to go workout and exercise. - All right. - And then we had a big family dinner which was nice. - Hey. - And I have fun in a hotel. It's fun to do. - I didn't stuck in a hotel. - I love a hotel. So, but yeah, not getting to swim sucked, not getting to see any tennis sucked. - Yeah, wow. I can't believe we were texting on Friday night. I didn't know any of this, but the vertigo, the sidewalk, the yacking, the ear, the distral of a serringetti. - Well, I wanted to save it. - Yeah, wow. What a whirlwind, this is quite an adventure. - Vestibular neuritis, how about that? That's one for the books. - Vestibular neuritis, that is a lot of letters. - Call it if you've had it because I haven't-- - Please. - It's 101 single person that's at it. - No, I've never heard of it, and I hope to never hear about it again. Unbelievable. - All right. - All right, well, I can't top that. I got a couple of mishaps and sniff 'em up. - By the way, I got quite a bit more-- - Okay, well-- - It was a crazy week. - Can we bend you over on the Patreon and watch you flip out? - Yeah, baby, that's not bad. - Hey, all right, all right. - I'm sure she did it. I was like, "Let me up, let me up." - It's horrible. - But it seems like that would just, you just do that. Like, "Oh, you're picking up a pen over here "and you would just feel that." - No, I feel it all the time now when I bend over, especially with the baby, because you're bending over all the time. It's fucked up. And then I might have to go to do vestibular therapy. - Whoa. - Which I might just do a quick side note 'cause I want to give you the thing 'cause I can already see the comments and the page being like marked in the talk. - This is pretty serious. - So they do this, and this is where it's all medicine is a racket. She goes, "If the medicine doesn't work, "you don't get better in two weeks. "Call me, I'll set you up with a vestibular therapist." And I was like, "Well, what's that?" She was like, "Just a couple exercises that help it." - Okay. - But I'm like, "But I know you know the exercises." - Uh. - You could just tell me-- - Just tell me-- - The exercises right now. - Yeah. And I hate to say, you can probably go on YouTube. - Of course. - And go, "What's a therapy for a vesticular marringitis?" - Exactly, but it's all a fucking racket. - It's all a lot of money grab. - They go, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "You'll just send you to a different person." They'll kick money to me and then that person will tell you this two things that I already know. - That's how they get you. All right, well, I gotta just give a shout out, 'cause I think the show's over. But I did-- - No, the show's over, we got 25 minutes left. - Okay, I'm joking. We did a Portland Maine Empire. - Oh yeah, with the big bulge. - Yeah, the Bulger, Dan Bulger came down. This is a top-notch club. If you wanna work on material, it's a great room. Portland's a great city. You show up as a lobster roll in the fucking green room. Lucas gotta give a shout out. Every show is amazing and I'm talking, I'm up there with a notebook, like is this anything? Okay, milk has an expiration date. If you're a pedophile, so does a kid. They get older, huh? You know, they throwin' tomatoes at me and shit, but we let me work it out. - And you can jerk off to the milk carton. - The missing kid. - That's not bad. - Hey, that's pretty good. - Take that. - All right, I'll shoot some cream. - You have that. - Yeah, lobster roll. How about this one? So you're in Portland, it's a beautiful city. It's super cool. You don't only 70,000 people live there. That city should be booming. It's like great food, great bars, the water. I guess it's cold. - It's cold and, yeah, it's just far away. There's not that many people in Maine. - I guess so. - It's the only one syllable state. - That's true. But yeah, so we're out in Portland. I go, we gotta get some seafood. We're out here, we gotta get some oysters, some clams, some pussy, whatever. So we go to the Jay's oyster house. - Oh, I know Jay's. - There's a wait, it's the No Kings Day. So we had a wait, a sift through the No Kings. - All right. - Stephen King's from there, that's awkward. So we sift through there, we're kicking old people out of the way. By the way, it's a bunch of activists and old people. A lot of blue hair. - Hey, try that on stage, no one liked it. But I was also at the bad momentum with the pedophile expiration date joke. So we go to Jay's oyster house, it's a wait. We gotta, we finally get in there. I sit down, we get, we each get a dozen oysters. There's three guys, me, Lucas and Bulger. Then we each get clams, then we each get bloody marries where we're doing the whole thing. The bills, what? - This is a gamble. - I know, I know, I was like, you. I was wonky at the end of this thing, but we're just eating oyster and clam and lobster and crab. And the bill is a, it's a pretty penny. I go, I got the bill, holy jeez, the room starts spinning. It was like I bent over. I got a vesticular little manslaughter. And I go, Jesus Christ. All right, here you go, I drop a bunch of cash down there. I go take a piss, the waitress goes, is this all good? I go take it. I get back, there's a guy in the table behind me who goes, I just saw your special. And I go, hey, thanks. All right, he goes, let me get the bill. - Oh. - And I go. - I just paid it. Bitch, get back here. - Oh. - Just like, I'll see you later. I'll have a lot of cash, it's flying out of the grinder. So that was, I think he knew what he was doing. - You want to say, hey, scan my Venmo. - Oh. - Say, hey, the check, thank you, that's very nice. - Yeah. - The check was $188, here's my Venmo. - Yeah. - Well, send it out. - I don't want to go Venmo on the guy. That's a little uncouth. - Wow, you're an uncouth guy. - I thought about it, I love lying on the uncouth, but John Wilkson and Cooth, but yeah, I thought about all the things. Like maybe he could paypal me, yeah, Venmo. I take cash, COD. But yeah, so that was a real, you know me. That was, I mean, this is a couple, less than five, more than four. - It was more than $400. - It was a lot of money. I mean, we got bloody, these bloody marries now are $25. For a fucking cocktail. - Wow. - And they ate and they put a shrimp in there, some bullshit, but drinks are expensive. Seafood's expensive, economy, gas, Iran. - Wow. - So, yeah, that was a bitch. God, he knew what he was doing. I think he watched me put the money down. There's my neighbor. - Ooh, she's so hot. - Very attractive. - I may say. - Not my type, but so, yeah, then we get out of there. Now, how about this one? We do the show and there's a curtain there. one of these Place you've been there. Yes, of course. Nice times curtain green room curtains for us all. Yeah beef curtains So you're right there. I think you know me. I'm loud. I project. I'm on the couch going Oh, then words and systematic fibrosis whatever and a guy just goes Huh, and he sticks his head and you're like, oh Jesus Christ because there's no door. It's just a curtain It's a thin layer of Gabardine. Thank you. So I go, what's up, man? Because you're like, I don't want to scare this guy. He could stab me. So I'm like, Hey, what's shaking man? He goes, I got to ask you one question and then the guy's going get out of here, man You can't be back here to go as one question and I go, all right, all right, fine one question and he goes What was the sham wild guy like and I go that was your question? Wow I think you had a guy's got you to headlock and he asked me about shabwow because I didn't kill Tony with him 10 years ago Oh, wow, so what was he like? He was a bit messy. Okay, like mag a messy guy I don't know much about the sham wild guy. I know he's very popular or he's something. He, you know, he's like just a rando Invented a product hit it big now. He loves Trump, right big Trump guy, but very Millionaire with but still trash is he alive? Oh, yeah, he did a set on Kilt Odie. Wow So it was a guy liked it that died. Yeah, the squeegee guys. Yeah Because I remember to polo did a joke about him then he died like the next day. Yeah, oh wow What are those guys my pillow maybe was that guy he's alive? Yeah. Oh, well, there's a guy liked of that ilk The infomercial guy. Yeah, but you know what's great about this club is it felt like the old days where it's like me and Bulger And then we did a three-show Saturday. So you got a four a seven and a nine Uh-huh, and we did the four and you're like all right It's 5 30 the next show's not the seven. We got an hour and a half to kill So we just drink beers at the bar next door. Oh, that's fun And we had you know a couple of Guinnesses and then you see people from the show and they're like Passing Guinness is down. So now you're like Baby dull the sidewalks moving the trees are bending and then you go to two more shows That's a kid again. It's a great town and a great set I mean that city really takes me back because that's what that was like the big adventure when we were in Boston You'd go up to Portland. Uh-huh, we got a road getting it. Meanwhile. It's like 90 minutes away Yeah, and I told you the old comedy connection in Portland is like the greatest room of all time I made him take me there. Oh really? Oh, he's right on the war. Yeah. Yeah, it was like condemned It was falling in the water. Yeah, it's under the if you look through the cracks. You can just see a fish Yeah, it's crazy, but yeah that empire is awesome. Lucas is the man. Great time. I'll be there in July July First and second or something like that. I'm putting that on the yearly docket because it to work out in there is It's perfect small it's tight. It's great. They're hot and they're grateful. What do you what do you got? Did you look it up? Do you know what you're talking about over there? Yeah, I think you're thinking of Billy May's Billy May That's it. Yeah, yeah, oxyclean Billy May's haze. Yeah, oh, oh D I think he had like heart problems. Uh-oh. Yeah, I think it's Neurofibral whatever heart disease. Wow That's most death I think that fucking clean. Oh, it could be drugs as well. I will say oxyclean work That shit works. You can let's stay in in your panties Oxyclean it. All right. Good to know now listen to this commute because now Okay, I did Friday Saturday in Portland. Mm-hmm. Sunday. I'm doing the Vets Theater in Providence. Ah, yeah, so it's a big New England week and so I go all right How the hell am I getting a providence and then I realize I'm in Providence. I never do a Sunday show Oh, so that's gonna stay watch out. I never do a Sunday show. So I want to get back on Sunday night Okay, check. I was like hey to my travel guys like check if there's a train going back from Providence Post-show, you know, if I get on like a 10 10 PM train or a 9 PM train something He goes there's nothing they go. What about a flight is that crazy? He's like there's nothing So I go fuck it. Let's rent a car So here is my Sunday travel Hungover wake up get on a bus at 9 a.m Portland the bus takes you to South Station the bus is out of control out of control I'm Batman takes you to South Station then I took a commuter rail to Providence from South Station Then from the commuter rail I got an Uber to the Providence Airport where I got a rental car Then I got the rental car drove to the hotel in Providence. Wow, and that was a lot So you went quite a ways past where you needed to go to come back Well, the airport is south of the city. It's in Warwick. Yeah. Yeah, it's about more about 15 minutes Okay, it wasn't more of a drive that I thought but yeah more wicked more wicked now Why not just rent a car in Portland and drive it to Providence? I didn't think about that I think I'd already bought in the bus ticket. Oh, and I said let it ride. Yeah But boy getting back on a bus you feel like like an open-micro I'm like it's like nine in the morning or lying in the cold, you know, and then the Do you throw your bag out of the thing and then I got on last because I was late because I was hungover And I everyone had bags on the seat that old trick. So I had to do like the Sorry, and this lady was like, uh, okay. I guess because I picked her can't sit here exactly you felt like that Don't try too hard because some of those other ones is like I'm holding it in So I did it and then I go I get to Providence and it's the little Rodi comedy fest Little Rodi laugh right. Thank you. Oh, so there's a buzz in the air. I get to my hotel Doug key his lady all these people are all in the lobby of the hotel doing shots and espresso martinis because it's like 3pm by this point And I'm like, oh my god. You just want to get in and go to bed and take a shit But there's like all this come come fruffle and they go Norman, you know, I got my suitcase and my uh, clan hood on and they're like get over here You're like, here we go. So you go over there. You do a shot of whatever they tell you. Oh, man Bobby had a seizure last night. Chelsea handler blew all of us. Uh, John Mulaney relaps. You're like, what the fuck? It's a fest. I never even heard of this fest Jerry Seinfeld opened it last year. It's gigantic. Matt right Jerry Seinfeld opened the festival. Oh, you mean he went first Yeah, he yeah, he went. Oh, I think he started the festival in Rhode Island. He's bored. No, it just started last year. I'd never even heard of it. It's huge. It's crazy. Kevin Hart was there. No shit. Yeah, it's huge. So, uh, Doug Geagos, you ready for that gig at four and I was like gig at four and he goes You said you would do a bus coming on a bus. I was like, another bus. I forgot about the bus. I was on a bus earlier So you does a group out in Providence that it's pretty great. It's like a school bus that they revamped with seats and a an a podium and a DJ equipment and you drive around with drunks and you tell jokes with a mic Wow, you stand in the front of the bus. I mean, I did Rosa Parks jokes. I did Tiger Woods jokes. Uh, uh, gray howdy's are going to gray How do they normally have people of your stature? No, everyone. Yeah, who the hell is doing this thing. I can't say no. I'll do a gig anywhere. Did they pay you? Yeah, they paid Okay, they were very nice. It's a couple and uh, I met the guy with the thickest doing the accident of all time. He hosted And Brad. Yeah, cool, dude No, which bread bread peers. Oh, I don't know if I know bread peers. He did a great job. He's like we got Mark Norman up here Coming out from back. You know, that whole thing and he was hilarious and he sets it up nicely and You know, you do 20 minutes. It's the longest 20 minutes of your life because you're in the middle of a bit I was like you on the sidewalk. So you're like and then another thing Whoa, because they take a turn, you know, and you got oh, you got a no shit bar. That's all you got So you got the bar and the mic and you're just doing this shit, uh, and then It's hard because it's a homeless guy shitting outside. There's a people fighting over here. There's a naked lady and you're like Do I riff on that or do I do my act, right? So we did a little both um, and uh, they were super cool great crowd And bus show on the day of travel that you traveled on a bus exactly. I was on a lot of transportation modes that day That's crazy. So then you get off the bus. You go, okay, thank you I think I got a DUI and then you go to the hotel your shower and I go to the vet's theater Now here's a whole another bag of jizz. This is a beautiful theater. It's like Half-sold because you know, they've they're tapped out. It's Sunday the Celtics are playing and they saw Mulaney and Kevin Hart and Chelsea handler right so I'm on the last day of the last show So it's it's like the Netflix fest. It's spread thin. Uh-huh. So Then you're like wait a minute. I'm at the vet's theater. This is kind of a big deal. It's a great room I have no act. I just put out a special. I've got like 11 minutes of material. Oh boy. So You got the bus stuff just trying to bus stuff again. I talked about the bus But they were like we weren't we don't know what the bus like two people know the bus And so it was one of those shows where I'm like tap dancing I'm doing cartwheels I'm doing props I'm like, what's up with stools anything on the stage. I'm like was that a curtain get out of here and the chandeliers are weird You ever swinging on one of those right. I was grasped at any show. Oh boy. You couldn't believe it was the biggest Sharad small charade charade yeah charade of all time like peeling the audience going, like in unison, you know, everybody did this, like, what do we pay for? What is this? How did this end up in this theater? I should have been in a basement with this shit. And it was one of those ones where I got a couple DMs after like, hey man, I was a valiant effort. Hey, you're really stuck it out there, you know, like, like, I'll go into topical material when I have 10 minutes left, right, hit 45, 50 minutes, you're like, all right, let me talk about Tiger Woods, the amputee Cornhole guy. And I got into that about minute 18. Oh boy. I was like, what's going on with Iran, these I am told it's one gay I heard, ho ho. And just eating shit, I got off Doug Kee goes, boy, you got to that, I told this stuff pretty quick, huh? Yeah, some out of material. So I'd kick them in the stomach, I jumped in the rental car and barreled home, I got home at like 1115. Wow. Boy. Did they clap at the end or were they confused, oh, they were gone, they were gone. Look at it, it was an empty popcorn box and a poof of smoke. Oh, it was a bomb and I feel like I just robbed, it was like a heist. Oh boy. Except they left. Yeah. They got the hell out of there. Boy, you could have done some of this stuff because a lot of people probably were like, we're not going to watch the special yet because we're going to see it. Oh, I didn't think about that. Did you, did you pull? I did. I did. I don't know how many, but it was a substantial woo. Well, this is hard because it takes a lot of willpower if you're a comedy fan to not watch the special. Exactly. Because they have the tickets and they're like, we don't want to spoil the show because we want to see them lie, but like they're just sitting that special is just bubbling going. We got to see what it looks like. We got to see it. Yes. So then they watch it and then they go, well, it won't spoil us. We'll go see it again. But even if it doesn't, it's still in your head. Yes. This is the thing people say sometimes are like, don't worry about us hearing the material. We've heard it. We want to hear it again because we love it, but you're like, I know. But me just knowing that you know, because it's an old cliche, people have heard this comedy supposed to be like a magic trick. So it's like, if you know the trick, it doesn't, I feel like an asshole. Yes. Yes. Exactly. Exactly. So, yeah, totally right. So even if they haven't seen it, I think they've seen it. I used to go with Conan. I do a Conan set, then two weeks later, I'm like, they've heard it all. I know. I hope I saw that shit. I have that in my head. I did one joke on my new hour that I'm touring with on the tonight show and I'm every time I tell it, I'm like, they've heard it, but I'm like, no, it's heard it. The tonight show had, you know, 80,000 views and you know, there's, whatever there's 350 million people in the country. One joke reheard is not going to taint the whole audience. No. But I, I just tried to have some ego bullshit, where I'm like, I'll do it one bit from the special. Right. And it was a mistake and they hated it and I hated it. I was dripping sweat like Billy Mays. I got out of there and high tailed it back, got a parking spot right outside. Wow. Went to bed. It was one of the things that were May was like, you're here. Oh, this is crazy. And we banged and then, you know, you get to wake up Monday and I woke up with the baby. That's fun. It was a hell of a weekend. But now the whole parking thing is under construction over here. I know. Yeah. Got it under the wire. By the way, I'm still dizzy and funky. I don't know what, I think because I'm turning your way, it's fucking up my head. Oh, yeah. I'm like driving. I'm walking like this. So I'm, it's, it's fucked up this neurosis. I'm worried you won't be able to play a sport. Well, I think it's going to be a couple more days. Okay. Okay. But I tried to jog somewhere. It was like, the whole world was bouncing up and down. It's funky. It's not fun anyway. We're like, whoo. Groovy. I mean, I suppose it makes you just dizzy and nauseous. So yeah, not really, I don't like it. I got like a brain fog headache situation. Oh, I hate a brain fog headache, a B F H. All right. So here we go. Holy shit. I got a lot of text. Where am I going to be? When does this come out? What day is it? I have no idea. April 13th. April 13th. Oh, well, this weekend. Providence. All this talk of Providence. I'm there this weekend, connection, late shows because the early shows are all sold out, but get those tickets to the late shows, 16, 17, 18, and then, oh, May 7th at the Hollywood improv doing a regular stand-up headlining show May 5th. We're there together at Tuesdays with stories, of course, and then holy shit. This is soon. I got to fucking get my life together. We got London. Glasgow. Dublin. Belfast. What's the one that's a Rhode Island town, but also in England? Bristol. Bristol. Not Rhode Island. Connecticut. Bristol, England, and all that. And then in June, I got a levittown. Some other place. I can't remember. Yeah. Governors and some other shit. Nice. All right. All right. I'll be in Spokane. Yeah, shit, Raleigh and Irvine, California. Come on out to that. And there we go. So we got the Netflix Fest. That'll be nuts. I'd love to get on that Kevin Hart Rose, but I think I tainted my chances if you know what I mean. And yeah, get on the Patriot. It's humming. We're about to do a bonus right now. We got late-night sets. We got Keefe and anal, Q and anal, and yeah, when he got there, Chuckie cheese. Chuckie got my podcast. Fun variable. But more importantly than that right now, we're doing a very special project. We just finished principle shooting. Actually, I just sent Mark one of the first scenes that we cut from our first shooting of the new project we're doing this morning, right? Tell him about it. Very funny. Lot of good lines. It's really well done. It's a pranky trolley type of show. It's fun. It's a combination sitcom hidden camera thing that is really fun. I'm excited to watch. You're going to enjoy it, I think. I'm going to watch. I will watch. If you want to get involved, hit me up at Discount Chuck on Twitter or Instagram. We're looking for backers. Most of the pilot is done shooting. And now we are into post. We have a couple more things to shoot that are really small. But a bunch of people from the Tuesdays world got involved. That away, boys. That's great. I don't know. So if you want to get involved too, it's a very fun project. I'll send you some stuff. I'll send you some info and you can consider it. Yeah, at Discount Chuck on Instagram and Twitter. Thank you. Yeah. We got big stuff like Mark said, Patreon, punch up live, sign up for our email list so you can let you know when we're coming. You'll know first. You don't want to get shut out. Yeah. Send this guy some love for getting a Disney spell. Well, I'm a Disney baby. I'm Disney right now. I feel like I'm in a bar. Disney Gillespie. We'll see you at Hell pork. Friends, how long have we been up here? [MUSIC]