#650 Couch Dracula

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. Wow! We're back! Wow, we're back. What a week. What a time. What a hoot. What a tale. Yeah, it's been a crazy wackadoo time out there. I feel like I haven't been home in six years. What did I miss in the big app? I don't know. Anything? What did I do? Well, I did seller spots for the first time since 1985. It's fun. That was exciting. Yeah, I saw SD. And, you know, you're at Nerds. I was nervous to see SD. It's like an 85-year-old woman. Israeli. And I'm, like, pacing outside, like, oh, my God. Hello, SD. Hi, SD. How are you, SD? Oh, that's too much. Pull it back. Act cool. I'm, like, listening to the fucking Gonna Fly Now and Eye of the Tiger doing push-ups. I'm like, here we go. SD. I know. And it's not just hello. It's sit here, chat with me for an orderly amount of time. Well, so I was terrified. And, of course, in your mind. You know, SD's at home checking the stand lineups. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Looking at your 401K, reading your Wikipedia. Watching your clips, downvoting. Yeah, so you're like, oh, my God, this is it. I've been at the stand for a year. I haven't put it in. And you walk in. You're like, who's going to be there? I don't even know. I'm looking at the lineup. I'm like, I've never heard of this kid. I've never seen this guy. I don't know this race. This is crazy. Sure. I go in. She's like, hello. It's so good to see you. You look great. She touched my arm. She touched my leg. She said, you look great. She's like, I'm always so happy to see you put a Veils in. Finally. Don't be a stranger. My father's gay. I love it. She listens to the show. You're like, what am I doing? And then Quinn is there. Hey. Which was fun. We got into it over one battle after another. But it was fun. Oh, he hated it. Hated is a strong word. Hated it. Wow. Well, at least you got a debate going. He hated it. Yeah, we had a good time. We all hated it. And who else is there? You see a bunch of fun people. And you get to watch. Watch comedy. It's great. And I ran over to the VU. And then did the Fat Black. And then McDougal Street. That McDougal Street, we've said it many times, many ways. Like Merry Christmas. Lunch. Melika Leakey Maka. Crown Jewel. The best comedy room of all time. IMO, in my opinion. And that ticket, you had the early spot of Quinn's there. Early spot, yeah. Early as money over there. Because they're just sober. They're smarter. They're gayer. Yeah, you wish you could say, just give me that McDougal. I know. You want to be up there. And then you're eating the wing. Of course, I had this happen, which was a fucking motherfucker of a motherfucker. I mean, small problems, nothing real. But it's a podcast. We've got to create stuff here. Yes, yes. I'm known for that. So you go, all right, let me get some wing. I'm here at McDougal Street, Olive Tree. Hit me with the wings and fries. That's all I want. Yes, Paul McCartney wings. And then you've got this thing where I never care for this. Hey, I already commented about your food. Commenting on people's food. People's food while they're eating is just the worst, punishable by death if I were the president. Number one P. Oh, you go pepper? What do you got there? Hey, double potatoes. Oh, is that zucchini? Thanks, dick. It's my mouth. Blow me. Who gives a shit? What if I did that with gays? Putting a dick in there? Weird. Yes, exactly. But you can do it with chicken. And so you get this, whoa, breakfast of champions, huh? And you're like, oh, boy. I'm at a bar. I'm at a fucking nightclub. I'm at a bar with wings. Yeah, what if I had a whiskey? You wouldn't go, oh, poison. Right. But with food. But you feel like you can do it for some reason. Yeah, I don't get it. You go, yeah, yeah. So then I have to have shame. Yeah, I'm eating wings. It's unhealthy. And it gets in your head because I'm middle-aged. I got high blood pressure. My father's gay. So now I'm like, should I not eat the wings? Should I throw them at somebody? Nah, maxi pad with wings. Then you have this. So you're like, you bite into that first wing. You get the sauce all over your face like the Joker. Here we go. And then Val goes, I just lit them. So you're like, ah, shit. All right, all right. Nobody touch my wing. And you got all these scoundrels around there. Hey, hey, hey. Watch the, who are you talking to? I feel attacked. So I go, all right, I'll be right back. And then you go, all right, well, that's 15-minute spot, plus the minute while they're lit. That's a cold wing. Plus coming up here, my food's getting cold. Then you come up and you go, OK, here we go. The wings. Saturday night at the cellar. Hey, Joe, you know you're up next at the Fat Black. Oh, left wing. Suck me, son. Suck me sideways. I got to run around the corner. So they go, hey, you want us to wrap that up? Yeah, put it in a bag and a thing. And then put it on last night, and I slept in it. Yeah, yeah. You go to your spot. You come back 40 minutes later. Jesus. They're all wrapped up in a bag. So you're like, I guess I'll take them home. You get home, and Sarah's like, she doesn't mean to poo-poo. Poo-poo platter. She's like, how are you going to warm those up without them losing all their whatever? Ah, interesting. I didn't even think about that. Because I think microwave makes them soggy. I looked right at Rupert. What do you think, Rupert? That was just natural. I'm like, you must know. We should weigh in. Tin foil and air fryer. I did air fryer, but they dried up. I think maybe they got dry anyways, and they got too crispy, and they ended up losing all the sauce. But I didn't do aluminum foil, so maybe that had something to do with it. Yes, yes. So it ended up being just kind of crummy. You know that feeling when you're just chasing that meal all day? Yes, you got to get that meal, don't you? Well, it's similar with Mexican food. I love the bean, the cheese, the whole sloppy pico, and brown beef chicken. Texas. You put that cum guzzling box in the microwave. It comes out like an old, dirty diaper. Yeah, that's the thing. Here's the one thing people hate in the microwave, but I like in the microwave. French fry. Oh, I think we talked about this. Because I love a soggy fry. I want a wet French fry. Give me a lip dick. I'm with you. That's one place we agree. These rock hard boner fries, that's for the birds. No, I don't like a crunch. No, no. Chinese food actually can hang tight in a micro. They always say that, but I get the general sow, or so general sow, whatever the fuck it is. Spicy orange chicken. CCP. And the rice, the white rice, warmed up. It gets too crunchy. White rice on arrival is awesome. White rice later, P.U. It's like white people. We come out good, but we age bad. I suppose. And we're bad in the heat. Yeah. Brown rice, they can cruise on a slave ship. Brown rice, they tan nice, they look nice. Oh, yeah. Wouldn't you kill to be brown? Sometimes. Like a light brown. I'm not talking, you know. They kill each other. Crazy. Well, I don't know. Like just a crispy, I'd love to be like Louis Gomez brown. That's a good, it's almost like a mocha or a cappuccino. Right. Not too much coffee with a little bit of milk. Not too skinny, not too fat. Aha. Easy. Rupert's right here. Rupert looks like a million bucks. You're losing weight, right? Oh, whatever. Well, maybe I just blow you up in my head. Yeah, yeah. I think in my head you weighed 9,000 pounds, but you look pretty good. Yeah. What, are you eight now? All right. That would be a lot of weight to lose. That's true. You're a real baby. It's like the old Russ Beneve joke. She weighed 800 pounds and he stayed married to her. Honey, do I look fat in this? Oh, yeah, right. In what, the living room? Which they cut that part out of Comedian. They did. That's a good tag. The joke is in Comedian and that's the tag. He goes, in what, the living room? Seinfeld obviously had the famous joke on his first Carson, his first late night debut where he says, the guy weighed 2,000 pounds. He lost, what, 1,000? Something like that. Yeah. And they're like, you still weigh 1,000 pounds. So what do you say to the guy? Hey, you're a real baby. Yeah. And he does the pants thing. Oh, yeah. He's got the old pants and he does the swivel and the big pants. Right. Also, you're a real baby. It's so Long Island to me. He still had some Long Island back then. Right. Well, okay. We got a lot out of that wig. Yeah, good wig stuff. But anyways, yeah, I did the cellar. You asked me what you've been missing. Not much. The cellar spot and then where did I go? I don't know. Poughkeepsie. Just regular. I don't know. I never know. I feel bad. I feel old because people are like, what's the hot goss? When I get home today, Sarah will say, what's the hot goss? Sure. I'm like, I got nothing. I got no goss. Yeah, well, that's good. No goss is good. I know Lewitt Goss Jr., you want a little goss because it gives you something to chat about and your endorphins get all, ooh, and you close the door and you jerk off. But when there's no goss, that kind of means everything is just copacetic. Yeah, yeah. I'm not a big goss guy in general. Yeah, I only like goss because I'm scared of silence. I'm scared everybody hates me. So I'm like, this will get them. Right. That's why goss is fun. Yeah. Well, that's the old adage about you. Once you say something, you know it's safe to tell everybody. Oh, I'll take it. Sarah had that about a gay comedian one time. She's like, I was keeping it a secret, but then I heard Mark say it. So once he said it, I just started telling everybody. Oh, all right. All right. I know who that is. Yeah, because you love to drop a bomb. Oh, I'm Iran or Israel. I'm the town crier. I hear ye, hear ye. This guy's a homo. John Cryer. Yeah. Now tell me, what have you been doing? Because you've been all over the fucking road. Well, I got the baby. I'm trying to leave less. So I told the wife, hey, special's out. It's promo time, homo time. So I'm going out there for one weekend and getting it. All in. So buckle up, bitch. So this is the weekend, and keep a lid on it, keep your mouth shut, cut that trap, lock it up. No complaints, because I'm getting it all into one weekend. All right. So I did Rogan, Dean Del Rey, Lauren Compton. What is it, first date? Is Dean Del Rey in Austin? No, no, I went out of order. Oh, right. Laura Compton, she's good. Yeah, what is that, first date, I believe it's called? I think that's called that. It's our third date. I was going to say, your third first date. Pregnant with a second child. Wow, these people move quick. I know. She had a huge belly. It was like three tits. Wait, didn't she just have a child like six weeks ago? She just had one and got wrapped up the next day and pumping one out. Irish twins. I guess so. She's got twins. See you when Patea win. Then I did Rich Eisen. Oh, he's good. Is that out? Rich Eisen's out. Okay. Harland, Bobby Lee, Glassman. Glassman, red-eye home. Wow. In one weekend. That's fucking crazy. Crazy. I'm fried. I'm delirious. You know when you do like nine sets in a day or whatever, you do four sets in a day, and by the last one, you're like, yee-haw, woo, how you doing, backflips, because you don't care anymore. Yes, exactly. No inhibition at all. So the last one, I was just yee-hoo-hoo, flapping in the wind. Well, be careful out there. I know. You get a little freaky-dinky, loosey-goosey. So tell me, what were the best ones, the worst ones, the hottest ones? The excitement, other guests, anything spicy? Well, as you know, the Joe Rogues, you got to live by his sword. So he's like, we're doing it this time on this day, and you go, yes, sir, whatever you say. And you got to get a 4 a.m. flight, fly down, take a chopper in, and then, you know, rappel down to his studio. He's my new governor. Oh, yeah, that's right. Now, I haven't heard a word about your Rogan appearance, so that seems good. That's good. That's good. Wow. Because, you know, sometimes you go on Rogan, all of a sudden. You're on fucking Anderson Cooper 360 Live, which happened to me, by the way. I remember that, the white guy incident. I literally called Sarah, and I was like, it went well, and there was nothing controversial, so I can breathe a sigh of relief. And then that night, it was like, Van Jones, Stan Van Gundy, and Martin Van Buren were all talking about me. What about Van Morrison? He's good, too. Van down by the river. And the caravan. It's funny that Van has caravan. Caravan Morrison. Minivan, yeah. How about that? But anyways, so you can just slip into it. So it sounds like it didn't go bad. No, we had a good run. We talked a lot of comedy, which I'm sure people hate, but it keeps him at bay. Of course. And then we got into some Nick Shirley, some Iran, some Israel. He had a whole theory that Netanyahu is dead. And I said, I don't think that's true. We would have heard, that would be big news. He's like, he's dead, I swear to God. Look at this video. It's AI. And I'm like, I think it's just a press conference. But whatever. So. So they're just not covering, Netanyahu dies, they're not covering it? Yeah, exactly. Well, they said he's saying that he's dead, they're covering it up. Oh, I see. And they don't want us to know. I don't know. It was all cuckoo. But we had a great time. We yucked it up. I got him drinking again. Oh, that's good. Yeah, I got him back on the sauce. Hadn't he not drank in a long time? Long time. He found God or he went gay. Something happened. So he quit the booze. And I showed up and he went, I need a drink. Wow. Yeah. So he had some bodega cat on air. Maybe a bun. I hung out with him over that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He dragged me to drinking, buddy boy. That's something. So we had a good run and then I went out and took a nap after, which ain't easy because you got that Rogan anxiety. What did I say? What did I do? How did I look? Does Jamie hate me? I haven't slept within five days of any Rogan appearance. Oh, it's wild. It's like seeing your parents fuck or going to NAMM or something. I remember, I think the second time I did it, the first or second time, it was in L.A. I remember going to, I was staying in Sherman Oaks. I took a Lyft back or they gave me a ride back to Sherman Oaks. I remember walking like slowly up the side. It was like a drug experience. Yes. Because it's just four hours of like, and you know, I'm not used to making, he makes serious eye contact. Oh, yeah. Who are you talking to? He doesn't even blink. Yeah. And he's like, the fucking aliens fucked the Jew. And you're like, ah! And then afterwards, you leave that studio and I remember I couldn't move properly. Right. I don't even think I said any words. Right. Right. That's why between us on Protect Our Parks, I sit to the side of him because I can just look at Shane's fat face and Ari's Jew mug and I'm clean. Yeah, that's not bad. Rogan's over here. So I'm like, what's that? Uh-huh. Yeah. Back to you there, Gil Gil. Maybe if I ever do the show again, I'll ask if I can sit sidecar. I mean, ideally, I'd take his lap. Then we're both facing the same way. I'll go behind him like fucking, you know. Like a jet ski. Like Dumb and Dumber. Yeah. That's like a swallow to Junebug. But yeah, so we had a good time. We bonded. I hadn't seen him in a while. He's a fun guy. We did some push-ups. Great guy. Cool cars. And then went out and did the creek. Did a full hour at the creek. Love that room. And of course, we had a nice crowd. Sold out. Joe DeRosa popped on. My buddy Corbin did a set. And then I said, who saw the special? Ah! Fuck. So I did all my new. It lasted about 18 minutes. And then I riffed. And then I riffed for 42 minutes. Yeah, I know that feeling. And whoo-doggy. Talk about tap dancing. I mean, it was like those Westerns where they shoot your feet. And I'm like, hey-ha, whoa, whoa, hey. That was it for 42. I got those people that saw me at Grove 34 a week after I shot my special. They're still talking about it. They're putting like fucking, what do you call it, graffiti on the Queensborough Bridge that says, this sucks live, you know? Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, it was one night. What do you want me to do? I had no material. I had no material. I know. Yeah, you're fresh out. And there's a big, fat clock on the wall. And I'm just like, come on, move, Jerry. It's like watching paint dry, trying to get through that hour. But that creek is a hell of a room. Great room. They put everything in there for you. It's like a rising tide lifts all boats. Mothership is so good and takes care of you so well that now the creek is like, all right, well, we got cigars and booze, too. I like that. We got a big couch. That's good. That's good. Yeah, yeah. Big couch. Big couch. Couch Dracula. It's like if one club gives a raise, all the clubs have to give a raise because they're like, well, now we're losing to that club. Good point. Yeah. But it goes the other way, too. When all these cities raise their taxes, then they all raise their taxes. Right. Thanks a lot, Mom Don. Austin, Texas. By the way, you asked what's going on in New York. What'd you miss? McDonald's has now got a big brick wall and a big comedy seller sign. Oh, I saw the photo. I saw them putting it up. I came out of the West 4th Street station and put the lights on. I was there Saturday night. It wasn't there. I was there Monday morning. It was there. Wow. Historic. The old McDonald had a farm. C-O-M-E-D-Y. I spelled comedy instead of this. Oh, that's fun. That was a leap. I like a leap. You go to 6th Avenue and West 3rd. It used to be a gnarly motherfucking McDonald's. It was the trans fistfighting capital of the world. Gunfight. Sword fight, knife fight. The most fucking hairy McDonald's in the history of America. Cock fight. Is now going to be a beautiful comedy seller. Yeah. And Esty was telling me some of the detail. Please. It's going to be a real chef's kiss, it sounds. I don't know if it's my information to share. Can you divulge? I mean, can we get the seat number? I think it's about the size of the VU, but I heard there's going to be like a horseshoe. What do you call that? Like a, not a balcony, but a- Orchestra? I keep looking at Rupert. He's as smart as we think. It's like a- Mezzanine? Mezzanine. I think it's mezzanine. Yeah. Wow. I think it's a mezzanine. So like a raised seating. Whatever mezzanine means. Yeah, I don't know either. I don't know. I thought that was a type of Middle Eastern food. I think it's like a pit and a mezzanine. It's going to be, it's going to be- Cherry. Yeah. Lunch. Choice. Okay, great. Well, we all can't wait because there's people. Noam told me he turns away like, I don't know, 80,000 people a weekend. I heard it was 10,000 a week. Okay. That's what I heard. I upped it for fun. 80 seems high. Yeah. Because I remember they said it and I was like, they could just do one additional show at Madison Square Garden. Well, that was it. Comedy Cellar Midtown. Wow. And just do MSG. Oh, that's crazy. It's fucking nuts. 10,000 people a week. Unreal. And talking about lifting boats, I mean, four comedy clubs popped up in that area once the Comedy Cellar started cooking. Right. So it happens. So we'll see. It should be open just in time for my big- Big move. Yeah. There you go. Perfect timing. You don't believe me, but- I mean, I don't want to believe you. I don't want to fly to Austin to record an hour with Rupert. I'll come back up. I'll do one zoo, one Austin. You're in Austin all the time. That's true. We got to get another Protect Our Anal on the books because Ari's gay ass is back. Oh, yeah. Are you excited about the big Ari show or what? Oh, we got a buzz in the air. The End is the name of the show. I don't care for the name. Yeah. Yeah. There's a few things. It's called The End. There was a movie with Seth Rogen was The End, and then there was a Doors song. This is The End. It's too much The End. I don't even get it for a TV show, but whatever. The show's coming out, and this thing is going to be a whopper. That lineup is sick. I mean, he knew what he was doing. I think I got one half a millisecond of air time. You got two milliseconds, and then Shane was front and center. Then you got Nate. Segura. Segura, Burt, and then the rest of us. No. I don't think Byrd is in it. - Ah, well that helps. I thought he was supposed to and then didn't show up. Or had to call out or something. I think you're right. But they got Roy Wood. They got Ali Sadiq. They got Miss Pat. They got Soder. They got you, me, Jordan Jensen. Sarah. Sarah, the butler. They got a- Steph Tolove. Tolove, yeah. Is Bird in it? I thought for some reason he didn't do it or he couldn't do it. No, maybe you're right. Pull up that trailer. Because he was in town, but I think something happened or something went on. It was a who's who. I remember a lot of private jets were in town for that taping. It was fucking crazy. And the venue is awesome. The sets were hot. I mean, I didn't get to see a lot. I saw mine. Obviously, Jim Brewer. I went on with Brewer. Oh, wow. Tolove and somebody else. It was fucking incredible. Yeah. I mean, to get Nate to come do a thing, that's exciting. Nate, Hinchcliffe. Yeah, these are all big, big to-dos. It's a barn burner, so you can't miss it. I mean, that's one. You see that lineup. That poster. Don't miss that shit. And here's why Ari's a mensch. He's ugly. He's weird looking, but he's getting all the income, because obviously the Shane show is going to do better than the, I don't want to name a name, show. Yeah, they can do some math. Yeah, they'll figure it out. But he's doing a big pool, and we all get a slice of the pie, an even slice. Yeah, that's pretty wild. I mean, great for me and Sarah, but Shane's probably like, what's that now? Yeah, but he doesn't even notice. You take 18 mil out of his pocket, he doesn't even blink a jizz, Cleef. Hi, folks. Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Shopify. When you start a business, there are a lot of what-ifs. 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You did Rogan. I did Rogan. Rogan, go do the creek. Then, of course, you hit the bar because you got the Rogan anxiety. So I need to flush it away. I'm scared. I'm nervous. So I hit the Mitzi's. You get free drinks. Right. So they pour heavy. I'm talking Rupert heavy. And I black out. I haven't blacked out since, you know, the 70s. Yeah. Since the blackout. And so I black out. I wake up in my hotel room. Huh? Huh? Stavros is next to me. He's doing a photo shoot. I don't know what's going on. So I go, oh, my God. I got to get my act together. I can't get out of bed. I had a three o'clock podcast. I called in and said, can we make it six? I can't make it. Wait. So when? I don't understand. When were you at the bar? All night. Oh, the next day. No, after Rogan. I know. Oh, the creek. Now it's the next day. Yeah, the creek. Now I slept. I woke up at the hotel. I forgot about the creek. I got confused. Oh, yeah. I was thinking you left Rogan, drank, and then woke up at 2 p.m. and couldn't do a three. No, no. So the next day, you're fucked. The next day, I was so fucked. You know, I wake, you fall asleep at who knows what, 6, 5, 6 a.m.? Right. So I slept till 1, and then the podcast at 3 with the Compton, first date. Right. And I go, I can't get myself up in two hours. I just don't have it in me. Can we make it from 6 o'clock? And they were like, OK, no problem. So that's pretty sad that I couldn't get somewhere until 6. Yeah, that's embarrassing. How embarrassing and old. Yeah. How fat and decrepit my body is, because I'm 42. You can't black out at 42 and think you're going to skate. No. So that was bad. That was embarrassing. And then there was a wake-up call. So I'm like, what am I doing? I'm taking time away from the family. I'm promoting. It's my big weekend. Get your shit together. So after that, I didn't drink. So snap out of it, buddy boy. Snap out. I did a set at the mothership after first date. If you watch my first date episode, I'm still hungover. And I went to the mothership. And I had a horrible pod guy. I just sucked. My brain was mush. Went and did one set at the mothership. Went home, cried, and went to bed. How was the mothership? Killer. Good hang? Great. It was solid. It was Michael Costa. Hey. He was headlining the weekend. He's a great egg. Funny guy. Cool guy. Ryan O'Neal. Love O'Neal. O'Neal's the man. And then a couple people that kind of bounce it in and out. That sounds like a damn fine place to live. There you go. Yeah. It's a good city. I mean, I won. I walked that river all day. So then off to LA from there? Woke up, flew to LA. I had the airport scare. How's it going to be? Oh, God. And it goes back to my idea. We should have an airport busyness app. Well, someone just pointed this out to me. Oh, no. You can do this with LaGuardia. You can Google wait time LaGuardia. And I don't know if it's like this for every airport. But the day I discovered it, I looked now. They had a fucking plane hit a fire truck. Oh, yeah. And now it just says not available. So I'm like, what the fuck? I just discovered that. You can do this. So I don't know if every airport has that. But LaGuardia has it now. And I just Google LaGuardia. How busy are we talking? Dude, put it in Google LaGuardia TSA. And it takes you to the website. Whoa. LaGuardia TSA. Pull that up, Rupert. See if you can find it. Pull it up. Because, yeah, it was Matt Wayne showed it to me. And you're right. It makes sense. And then there's a study. I was just listening to this thing, some psychological thing that people would, because you remember in New York, not that long ago, they didn't have the wait times. Mm-hmm. And now they do it every single station. Yeah, six minutes, 10 minutes. And they did some studies. And they realized people would rather wait 15 minutes and know about it. Yes. Than wait two minutes and not know about it. I heard the whole exact thing. Because it's the same with Google Maps. It's so nice for someone that drove for so long without it. Yes, yes. Especially because I drive all the time the Northeast Corridor, like from Boston to New York, a million times, a million billion times. You'd hit. Be flying. You hit a red light, whatever the fuck you call it. Traffic. Yeah. And you're like, is this the rest of my day? Or is this a half hour? Exactly. And the not knowing drives you nuts. Now you go, oh, 18-minute backup. That sucks. But I know I'll be moving in 18 minutes. What took us? Nice. Good squeaker. What took us so long to figure that out? Because even in LaGuardia, you're going to Terminal 30. That's six-minute walks. They have a little white guy doing that shit. And then what about the subway? Remember you go down to the subway, you go, hey, hey, who the fuck knows? I could be down here nine hours. I could be down here five seconds. Yeah, there's something about 21 minutes, because it allows you to mentally be like, all right, I'll pull up a YouTube video that's 18 minutes. Exactly. But I think the technology took a while, GPS and shit. Sure, sure. But I heard the similar psychological thing. They call it the rat bucket study. Rat bucket. They threw a rat into a bucket, like a cylinder, where he can't climb out. And he paddled in the water, freaking out for 15 minutes, and then he would drown. This is the 60s, so you could do this shit back then. Absolutely. I think you can still do anything you want to a rat. Yeah, I guess you're right. They test hairspray and fucking McDonald's on rats. Good. That's a good-looking rat. It's like my ex. Hairspray and McDonald's. OK, so then they put a rat, clunked him into the bucket, and the rats flip it out. They get him to about 14 minutes before he dies, take him out, let him dry off, let him regroup for like two minutes. Then they put his ass back in. Now he knows, oh, he'll say, if I keep pedaling, guess how long he stayed in pedaling? 22 minutes. 60 hours. What? It was something like that. Wait, so. Wait, whoa, whoa. Is that my cat out there? Is that Greg? I think that is. Oh, my God. Somebody left the door open. Oh, jeez. He left the door open again. How did I leave the door open? I don't know how I left the door open. Maybe I was too excited? Jesus Christ, that's twice. Like wide open? I mean, it was a jar. Is there a trick to closing it? You've got to just latch it, I guess. Oh, jeez, I feel terrible. I didn't know. That was close. Oh, God, good eye. I thought there was somebody about to rape us. I wish. That would have been easier. Boy, I would have killed myself. Even the cat was like, damn, this is crazy out here. This is a fucked up neighborhood. Yeah, he's like, this is where we chose to live. I'm going to Austin. He was trying to get to Austin. How did I not close the door? I don't know. It's a flimsy door. Is it flimsy? It's a little flimsy. Because I feel like I wouldn't just walk in and not attempt to close it. I must have done a half-ass. Yeah, there you go. Maybe. And maybe a wind gust kept it from closing. Something. Because I never just walk in doors like, whoo, I'm here. You're aware. But, well, I feel terrible. Boy, if that cat disappeared right then, I would have had to commit suicide. I would have moved to Texas. Yeah, maybe that was the point. Either way. OK. I don't know what the hell. What do we got on TSA? They suspended that service because of the funding bullshit. Oh, jeez. Well, now I got to do the app. Call me some nerd with tech bullshit experience. Somebody can do this. I'm sure. Oh, yeah. But how would you have to go to the airport and go, all right, all right, OK. Someone would have to be there, right? I think it's all computers. I think lasers do that shit. Oh, Jewish-based lasers. Just go, bzz, bzz, bzz, if it feels or whatever. I don't know. You just get the information. But I feel like someone. We'll do it that's better than you. Yeah. Like a guy, like Elon Musk or the other guy. Well, I'll be Steve Jobs and go, hey, I'm eating an apple. That's not good. Do it again, nerd. You play the orchestra. Yes. They play the fiddle, and you play the conductor. You're the conductor. Yes. Yes, I'll conduct, take all the credit and the money, and then they figure it out. And leave your kid. Thank you. He did that? I think so. Yeah. Lisa. He walked around barefoot. Meditated, so that was cool. He had some problems, that jobby. Yeah. They're taking our jobs. So, went to L.A. L.A., man, it is, it's a beautiful thing. I love L.A. You know, I mean, I'm well, well, whatever, well-documented by love for L.A. Just that weather is bananas, and I got out, I took an Uber to my hotel, and just, you know, they got the Uber shuttle. I don't know about the Uber shuttle. Oh, you got to take the shuttle to the Uber land. Yes. Which is hell on earth. I'd rather be waterproof. Yes. Than take the shuttle to the Uber. So, what I do is I just walk to the Uber area, and it's like a five-minute walk. Nice little hack. What? No, that's longer than five minutes. Well, it depends on what terminal you're at. Oh, right, right. I landed at terminal one. It's like, I got on a bus, the guy goes, it's right there. And I go, oh, because he was like smoking or eating a bag of chips, so I just got off the bus and walked there. Oh, that's smart, because I've had the same thought. Yeah. But on the bus, it feels long, because it's whippity-whap, but maybe it's because of all the red lights and the pickups. There you go. So, walk over, get an Uber, get to that Andaz, you check in, and I got to tell you, I don't want to toot my own dick, cheese, but- Please do. I'll be the top ten on Netflix. I walk into the Andaz, the hotel guy goes, whoa, shit, look at this guy. Whoa, what do you want? You want a top-shelf King Suite? Here's an ice cream bar and a paddle and a dick. Now, for those of us who don't know, what the hell is an Andaz? That's one of these snazzy hotels right on Sunset Boulevard. It's the one next to the store. Oh! You're at the store, right on the patio. It's right there. Okay, Andaz. Andaz. I didn't know what the fuck you were talking about. I thought that was a car. A-N-D-A-S-Z. Andaz. It's got a pool on the roof. I mean, you look down onto Sunset, you can see the Led Zeppelin, the tits, what do you call that, the Stone Pony? No. No, that's Asbury Park. What's that one? The Riot House, the Continental Hyatt House. Oh, Rainbow. Rainbow Room. The old Rainbow Bar. What was the one that Johnny Depp died? The Viper Room. Viper. Yes, yes. The Viper. That was Joaquin Phoenix's brother. River. That's the one. Yeah, Mississippi. So, yeah, just had a great time. Then I just buckled up and did a bunch of pods at the store and the improv every night. And then I was there for Monday because everybody's on the road. Right. And Rich Eisen's in a shoot on the weekend. He's a working man. Right. So, I just got there Sunday, did some fun stuff. Right. And then Monday. Monday, I woke up, meep, meep, meep, 7 a.m., two eggs, push-ups, shaved, and I just got out there. It was good? It was great. You know, Rich Eisen's like, it's like a real shoot. There's makeup, a hair lady. And I was sitting in there with the lady. They give you like a handler, Chelsea Handler. And I go, okay, what do we do? Like an hour, an hour and a half? She's like, six minutes. I was like, oh, six minutes. I came all the way here first. It was like an hour drive. Seriously? She's like, yeah, yeah. It's like six minutes. It's a segment. I was like, it's like morning TV. Oh. So, when I see clips of Larry David on there, is he doing six minutes? Larry David might get eight. Are you serious? That's what I said. I was like, what are we talking about? I know I can talk movies. I can talk comedy, New Orleans, New York, whatever. And she was like, oh, that's a lot of stuff. And I'm like, well, what do you want to talk about? She's like, we'll talk about your special. I'm like, the whole time? She's like. It's six minutes, you retard. So, I was like, oh, okay. No shit. Wow. Yeah. But hair, makeup, everything for six minutes. The food spread, coffee. I mean, it's funded. That's one of the weird things about life now, man. It's like we're so living in clips. Yes. That I don't have any idea what anything is. I've seen a million bazillion clips of, and now my algorithm's all just Rick Rubin sitting Indian style with his hair a kerfuffle. Yeah, he looks like an Ayatollah. He's just talking, and half the time, I click on it, and I'm like, who's he talking to? What is this? Right. Right. Where is he? I don't know what's what. That'd be great to cut to just Rupert. And I've just, yeah, I've just never, I don't know whose show lasts what amount of time. I've seen every clip of every show, but I've never seen the show. Same. I've seen Seinfeld on Eisen, Larry David on Eisen. You get like Jeff Daniels talking about Dumb and Dumber, but it's all just snippets. It's all clips, and we have no context for anything. Zero con. It's fucking wild. It's wild, but it felt like morning TV where you tell a joke, and you hear the crew laugh, you know, and there's big lights in front of you, and it's a real job. There's big frame pictures of him with Arnold, him with Bruce Springsteen, him with Obama, whatever it is. I would like to have, I want to have a room like that. I know. In my new house with just big apple pie. My whole life just right there. You got some bangers, too. I got some great stuff, but now I have this tiny-ass apartment. It never made it. I need a man cave. Texas, you could really cave it up. Well, I'm going to Nick Cave. Cave it in Texas. Come down any time, visit, move. Yeah, there you go. Ben Lod was in a cave. Yeah, we got him. He had the ultimate man cave. I guess so. I think he had a few caves going. He was all over the place. Well, he caved. But, yeah, so did Rich Eyes, and I planned for like an hour and a half, so you get out of there, and you're like, I got like three hours to kill, you know? That's beautiful, though. Nothing better. It is, yeah. I went to a taco stand and just sat in the sun on a picnic table and ate tacos. It was with salsa and like a soda. It was great. Burgers, tacos, and donuts. L.A., baby. L.A. So then I hightailed to Harlan Williams' house. He lives in the Hollywood Hills. I mean, he lives up where like Jackson Brown lived with Janice Joplin. I mean, it's so crazy, that Laurel Canyon bullshit. Love it. It is unbelievable. I mean, I hate to need a cup of milk over there, because you got to go down like a crazy winding road to just get a sugar. But man, that was. Because he's got the biggest view. He's got a pool right there with the view of the infinity pool. Where'd all his money come from? Dumb and Dumber? Dumb and Dumber, Rocket Man, half-baked. What else? See, he had a good run for a second. God, is he funny. Man, he's quick. Yeah, I mean, you talk about clips. I've said it before. His clips on Rogan are the funniest thing. The hardest I've laughed the last five years are him fucking with Rogan. It's the greatest thing of all time. He is incredible. And he's having like a resurgence, I feel like, because of the clips. So people get to watch it. People get to meet him again, because he's getting old, Jerry. Right. Those Oreos. But he's just still so funny. He's got the podcast. I walk in. He's like, oh, you missed Will Ferrell. I'm like, what? Will Ferrell was here? He's like, yeah, we were just cutting up. LA. Is he kidding, though? Because he's silly. No, no. He's silly Jerry, but he showed me a clip of him and Will Ferrell. Wow. Because that's what I like about him. He's so dang silly. Yeah, he is. Taller than you'd think. Yeah. 6'2", I'd say. Yeah, which I get all the time. I don't know what is going on on this show, on the cameras, with my life. I do a meet and greet, 300 people all over the country every week. People go, what the hell is this? I thought you were 5'4". I thought you were 5'6". I thought you weighed 112 pounds. It's nuts. Yeah, I get the opposite. Every single person. I get that. I thought you'd be taller. Yeah, well, I'm tall, and I don't know what to say. You're tall. You're a string bean. You're a, what do you call that? Swimster, lanky. Stretch Armstrong. I'm stretched out, baby. Yeah, I'm taller than you. If you're watching this, I'm taller than you are. I crunched the numbers. Try to guess what percentage of the world is less than 6'1". What percentage of the world? The world. The world. That includes Pygmies, Mexicans, Samoans. I mean, it's got to be 92% or something like that. Yeah. You're talking children and women? I guess men. Sorry, men. Oh, men. Okay, because women and children, it's got to be, yeah. Well, children. I'm talking adults. I'm talking adults. Okay. Adults. Sorry. Let me do a quick little bit of figuring here. So we're down to just adults. Adult male. Adult male. Adult contempo. Got to still be 75%. 82. Wow. So you're taller than 82% of the world. You're goddamn right I am. So how about that? What are you, Rook58? Nailed it. Are you really? I've never seen you standing before. Oh, wow. So what are you? 5'10". Okay. But boy, I just killed to be that even six. You just want to be a nice January six. Well, you get some lifts or, you know. Heels are good. Some guys get the surgery where they add like a couple inches to the calf. You're kidding. That's not a surgery. Really? He's heard of it. He thought about doing it, but they couldn't take the weight. So the calf, you have to go in and get the bone. They cut in and get the bone? Well, they do bone stuff. Trans go, they can do the shaving. I know, but how do they stretch the muscle and the bones and the tendons and the skin? You add stuff in. What are you, crazy? I've never heard of this in my life. I'm not doing it, but it's out there. But why wouldn't an NBA player go, hey, make me 7'5"? I don't think you can play on it professionally. Because if you're 6'6 and shooting the lights out and got some handles, why not go 6'10"? Now you're dominating. It'll crack under pressure. Those guys are out there all day long doing dunks and shit. I'm talking to the common man. That ain't street legal. So do you limp? Do you just? Nah. You figure it out. Do you walk like me after Rogan? Because I mean, I can't imagine that surgery. You got to put muscle and blood and veins, Jerry, veins. They're mad scientists out there. They're modern. I don't know. Rupert's saying yes, but I think this is crazy. Give it a goog. Wouldn't it be easy to make the head taller? Oh, like a cone. Yeah, put some cone head up there. That's not bad. Because then you could just add space. Mass, yeah. Yeah, if I put a hat on, I'm three inches taller. Like a cowboy hat? Forget about it. A half hour in this river and I'm a full inch taller. What do you got there, Rupert? It's called leg lengthening surgery. Thank you. Leg lengthening. LLS. Well, it's not that I didn't believe you. I'm just blown away here. Six to 12 month recovery and you can go up three to six inches. What? Six inches? I could be 6'8 next year. Oh my God. Wow. What's that run you? I mean, I could be 6'10. No pun intended. Yeah, you could be 6'10. You don't want to be 6'10. If I'm 6'10 in one year, I think I could make an NBA team. Well, you're getting old, Jerry. I know, but I could come off the bench. 6'10. 6'10. I could just swat balls away. You see that white guy who's 7'8? Oh, in the tournament. Yeah, and all the black guys are going, what the fuck is this shit? It's funky as hell. They showed a video of this guy who's 6'8. I saw that. It looked like- It looked like a toddler. It looked like me and Vitor having a conversation. Right, right. What do you got on price? It's between $70,000 and $70,000. $70,000 and $150,000 in the U.S. That's worth it. I'll make that in the NBA. That's true. Yeah, merch alone. League minimum's got to be whatever. Yeah, WNBA, you'll make that, barely. I could get that surgery, too. Go lower. Chop my dick off. Give me eight inches. Stick a pussy in my ass. Oh, now we're getting somewhere. I'll play for the Sparks or whoever they are. The Seattle Storm, you'll clean up. Yeah, the Fruit Cups, whatever they're called. And you can pretend to be a les. You'll scissor your night away. Oh, my God. You'll be in the locker room, Jerry. Killed to be a lesbian. Woo-wee! Locker room time. You're licking snizz. By the way, all that Claire Danes talk, we started watching The Beast and Me. Have you watched that show? Amazing. That's a heck of a program. I still got one episode left, so don't tell me nothing. Oh, my God. But it's a fun program. I had to finish it all in one sitting. It was so gripping. Very fun. But by the way, this is one of my great skills. I can pick out a British actor pretending to be American. Oh, is that right? And it turns out the guy that plays his wife is Australian. But it took me so far in the episode. We watched episode six, I think it was, or seven. The cute blonde? Not the cute blonde. She looks like Jamie Lee. Oh, I can see a little. Very much like Jamie Lee. Yeah, I can see it. But, no, his wife that he killed. Well, I think that's in the first episode. Oh, yeah, yeah. She's Australian. There's like five different lines where she just sounds full Australian in the middle of the episode. I'm like, what the fuck? Oh, I didn't catch it. She's like, stop asking me that question. You're asking me questions. Oh, wow. I was like, what the fuck is this? Yeah. She's just full British. That'll fool you. Like House, the guy who does House. House. He's a big limey. Hugh Laurie. But, by the way, the main guy, I said British. I got 300 people are going to say. British, Australian, all the same horseshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be in London, Australia in May. There you go. Top of the morning to you. Put a strip on the barbie. That guy, the guy in there, he's Welch, but I never picked that one out because he's good. He's good. I got no sniff of his Welchiness. He's a weird looking cat, huh? Very strange. Soft pudding, but he's a good actor. Yeah, he's nice and sinister. But, like every TV show, there is some horrible performances in there. Oh, really? Oh, I think so. You ever see the girl do Danes going viral? She went crazy viral doing Claire Danes because it's all breath. Oh, Sarah told me she's famous for that. She does a chin quiver thing. Yes, yes. Yeah, I love a quiver. Yeah. Robin Quivers. Well, she won't cut your kid's hair for the life of you. No, no, that's for sure. She's American, huh? Danesy? Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah. But, yeah, great. Whoever wrote that is doing something good. Yeah, they had a lot of stuff. I can't imagine. I don't understand these people that write stuff that have, like, nine plots going. Yes. So many layers. I write something, I'm like, all right, there's a guy, he doesn't like his parents. There's your film. That's the Fourth of July. This is like, this lady's fucking that guy. That guy, you know, lost his dick in the war. And he went to the war because his mother was gay and his father's whatever, has termites. Right, right. This is unbelievable. She wrote a book, but she's a lesbian, but she's hiding it, and he's got a gun. Yeah, it's a lot. Yeah, it's impressive. Very good show. Hey, folks. This week's episode of Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Rocket Money. It's the rockety money. It's the easy way to lose track of your spending. It's a. I knew that didn't make sense when I said it. Folks, this week's episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. 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Take Cheers Restore after your last drink or before bed, and wake up feeling at least 50% better or your money back. For a limited time, Tuesdays with Stories fans are getting 20% off their entire order by using code Tuesdays at CheersHealth.com. Just head to CheersHealth.com and use code Tuesdays for 20% off. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them, support the show, and tell them you were sent by Tuesdays. Tuesdays with Stories. Cheers. Absolutely. So tell me about Harland. So Harland was just killer. I mean, he's so. You think we tapped in. This guy is like, you know, he's 78 years old, so he's just been doing this for so long, and he's just on another level where you're like, all right, can we get a break? Can I get a water and a juice, you know? He's just so quick and weird and funky, and then you leave there, you go, ah, then you go to do Bobby Lee. And then Bobby Lee's like, how you doing, man? I'm like, oh, I'm good. You got a problem? Oh, boy. You want to fight me? You hate Koreans? And I go, what the hell? I just got here. Jesus Christ. So everybody's got a different flavor. Then you go to Rick Glassman, and he's like Harland, but Jewy. Right. You know, he's like, boy, vague wordplay. The words don't play. They're words. How can they play with each other? So then I leave there, and he goes, I'm getting you a car to the airport. So I went right to the airport. I got to tell you, I got to the airport. I took a. Xanax, a sleeping pill, and I flew home! Nice. And I actually slept it was a five hour flight, I slept four hours, which is pretty good. Wow, I put it on last night and I slept in it. Yeah, and I got here I said hi to the baby, I took another nap and then we're potting. Oh, so this is yesterday? Yeah! I'm so confused by all the days and the years and the months. Well, I wanted to get back yesterday, but no one's there on Sunday, so I just kind of wasted a day but I had to kill that day to get to the Monday. Yeah, but then you get a little relaxation it's just fun to be in LA, LA's fun. All these warm places. It's beautiful. I mean, I'm dying out here. I know, I went to Dean Del Reza and you're jealous, you're like I got a wife, a kid, I live in a nice place in New York City and then you go to Dean Del Reza's place in Los Feliz, he's got a view of Griffith Park and the observatory's right out of his house he's got all these cool records on the wall, he says, you want to see my Porsche? I go, yeah, he goes, alright, it's next to the pool. I go, pool? And he goes, I got two saunas in here here's my Porsche, here's my G-Wagon here's my hooker, my bitch, my mate, my fag, whatever it is. Well, that's like Brett Ernst has like one of the great jokes of all time about it's like HGTV he's watching HGTV and the guy's in like a fucking nine bedroom three bathroom, he's like, what do you do? He's like, I'm a manager at Fuddruckers It's like something like that it's fucking hilarious. He works at Hot Topic, he's like, this is my water slide we fucked ourselves here we painted ourselves in a corner, I told you I talked to my financial guy my investment guy. Yes, Brooks which by the way, oh, I don't know if I ever said this I found the check, the check, I think I told that story. Well, I went on RU Garbage, I took all my savings every dollar I had, I wrote it on a fucking check, put it in an envelope and stuck it in a mailbox. It got lost in the US mail for like a month and I talked about it at RU Garbage because I was like, oh, 100% of my money's gone isn't that funny? You know, you're like me, we're comedians You try to make everything a yuck You make everything a yuck, but a lot of it's based in truth, so I told this story and they're like, what's wrong with you? And I, of course, everybody and I love the podcast fans we love the fans, but some of you guys are drama queens know-it-alls I got 300 emails, you put a check in the mail, you piece of shit what are you, crazy? You never got to see your money this guy's fucking you and I'm like, well, it's a check made out to me you can't cash it another Joe List finds it there's bank fraud and all that stuff that happens, but you're like it's not the craziest, it's not cash it's like I put $9,000 in cash in a fucking birthday card and then I got a million people being like, call the FBI I'm not kidding, call the FBI report this guy here's what he did, he has your money he took it out, he's halfway to Mexico and I'm like, I've been working with this man for 11 years he really slow played me for whatever not that much money in the grand scheme of things it's not $40 million it's so funny how they do it when I had that leak in the basement some guy came in and gave me a quote for $10,000 I felt crazy, so then everybody's like I'll come over right now I'll get some duct tape, some hot glue and a piece of gum, I will fix that for $10.99 don't listen to that crook he's trying to fuck you and your wife right in the ass and I'm like, okay, okay, it's a leak well I've had this too with the mouse I told the mouse story, they're like you got one mouse, you got 9 million mice you gotta move tomorrow the traps aren't gonna do it the mice are gonna fuck your wife they're gonna eat out your son you're living in a mouse pad over there it's an infestation then I kill the mouse, never seen a mouse again it's just gone I'm like, where did mouse 2, 3, 4, 5 million go exactly, exactly there's a million other examples, Audi's another one I rented an Audi I'm getting an Audi I mean, 80 people you buy an Audi, you're a piece of shit I'll never listen to the show again Audi's burst into flames Audi's, fuck your parents I'm not gonna buy an Audi I was just fucking saying a thing on a podcast but also, I'm like I walk around my neighborhood it's fucking Audi dealership everyone's got an Audi so all these people, their lives are just trashed and ruined they can't get anywhere it's rich success people, a guy with a suit on driving one they drive by, they honk and they wave meanwhile, I'm in a Sentra I hit 70 miles an hour I'm like that's true meanwhile, I'm drinking and driving they're like, funny stuff, man I'm like, I'm hitting fucking Girl Scouts and teachers and they're like, that's hilarious but it's the same thing they're like, the fucking, my transmission what, are you crazy? you took it to a dealership they're gonna fuck your mother in the ass and then the dealership's like oh, you got a 2018, we'll just cover this right, right I'm like, do they feel silly at all? nah, they like it it gives them a purpose they go, I'm gonna change this guy's life and tell him what's what and save his day I literally had people be like you gotta call the FBI today this guy took your money I know what his face looks like he has a website I've talked to him on the phone the idea of just building a relationship for a decade and you use him you got me in, you screwed me and then they're like, fucking you're paying a guy, you fucking retard go to Rocket Mortgage or whatever I'm like, well, my money's gone up 175% is it going up? well, not right this second there's a couple of wars going on well, the nice thing is about you know who, not to get too political but you know who, he's obsessed with Wall Street so anytime it starts dipping because he fucks up, he's like he tweets something nevermind, he gets it back up again so he's kicking ass in that area when he leaves, should we pull out? no, it always goes up that's the thing it always goes, it drops, it goes up COVID, it fucking dropped and then 9-11, and it dropped and then the 80s, it dropped, it all goes right back up alright, alright, alright so we'll keep it in, but then you can't take it with you, they say so when do we pull that shit out of there? I don't have enough to, I don't have like, can't take it with you money I have like, just enough to be like might be able to buy a house one day okay, but in like 30 years you might as well spend it all and live, I guess you can give it to your kids you have a son, yeah but I think in 8 years money might not even be money it's gonna be all space coins or whatever I know, I know it's gonna be Rupert Bucks or something well I think in a few years, you want a private jet you just go and the private jet just shoots out of your mother's ass oh, a 3D printer, we call that yeah, it's gonna be all gay eye I think you just, you want for nothing new pair of sneakers, like Andy Griffin doesn't need to ask the club, he can just whoa teleporting would really help our lives out I'd love a teleport I have a theory that teleporting's gonna be a thing but it's gonna hurt ya so every time you do it, you gotta make a choice like, do I wanna like, take a year off my life and teleport it's almost gonna be like what's another example of something that takes years off your life or hurts ya cigarettes yeah, but that's pretty gradual diet? yeah, there you go hey, that's good it's got the word die right in there I'm joking but yeah, that could be something yeah that's good, are you using that? no, take it die as in diet yeah that's not bad how about that? now how about this, let me run this by ya please because yesterday I bounced bits with Sam because I told him I'm moving so now he's really trying to hold on to me he's like, let's talk tomorrow let's go water sledding let's go water sledding running bits, that'll keep you around yeah, can't do that over the phone I'm in Texas no, no but anyway, he's a good man so we were bouncing bits and then I was just ranting and I don't want to name Nick because I don't want this person to get upset because he was very funny but I saw this young comedian okay, special do a joke about this is the first time I've felt and Sam was like, I don't know if this is a bit but you gotta say it on a podcast because it's funny and interesting are you guys together or on the phone? we're on the phone okay so, I saw a comic he's like 25 years old he was doing some 9-11 bit he was like, yeah because the fucking plane bombed the planes boom 9-11 and I felt like an old man because I was in the back like who the fuck is this kid? I'm like this I was there, man right like these young kids are making fun of 9-11 I'm like, they fucking 3,000 people burned to death whoa, you're that guy they were jumping out of buildings well, I'm not really upset I didn't yell at him but I had the moment of like what are you, crazy? oh, interesting it's not funny interesting, the tides are turning so it was like a funny feeling to have that thought of like who's this guy? yeah, to be making fun of him you weren't even there right wow, we are old we were laughing because I was like I remember seeing comedians when I was starting being like you talking about Vietnam? my best buddy died yes, yes alright, boomer shut up right, right you're like I think this is my feeling you had to have been at least 12 when 9-11 happened to be making jokes 12 give me 12 alright, alright so no holocaust jokes for me? ah, you can do a holocaust alright ah, you're a professional alright well, also it's been long enough 9-11's still kind of smoldering well, there's a new building there I live there no smolder that's true I'm stroller-ing around is it 30 years? 2025 this should be 25 wow, quarter of a century okay I mean, and again I'm going to get 300 emails being like oh, you make pedophiles I'm not really upset but I had the thought it is like funny to hear like a young person be like because of 9-11 right and you're like whoa well, not to get too bad people are jumping off a building, brother right that's interesting that you had that feeling yeah well, not to get too queefy but did you see that point that somebody tweeted the la guardia plane hit the fire truck did you see the picture of the plane it was fucking torn to shreds from hitting a truck and then some guy goes look at this photo and you mean to tell me a plane can go through a twin tower well the plane was going at 500 miles an hour it's a good point this guy was going like 60 miles an hour he's on the ground trying to land yeah this guy had already landed yeah that's true he was just like cruising well the guy's point was that look how destroyed this plane is from hitting a truck right you're talking about a skyscraper with steel beams and cement and pipes and wires yeah well i think it was going 500 miles an hour it was a lot of glass that's true a lot of glass mostly glass well glassman i gotta get a new algorithm it's rick glass man um but but i also remember talking about this when i went to auschwitz i was walking around auschwitz and i remember saying distinctly thinking we nobody should make a joke about this ever yeah i get that this is fucking nuts it's nuts that anyone's even alluding to this in a humorous way but then you fly home and like two weeks pass and you're like oh i got a good one i got an oven how do you pick up a girl at auschwitz with a fucking vacuum cleaner yeah you know it's like it it comes back it's that distance plus time or whatever how do you get a thousand jews in a car put them in the ashtray whoa that was one but i do remember daniel tosh came to new orleans in like 2008 or 9 and he goes oh katrina this city could use a good bath oh and paulo had the same joke oh geez before that too oh boy well the crowd good douching okay well the crowd went like oh hi i remember sitting in the back like damn that was harsh but i also it was like you i i it hurt a little but i also didn't care right right yeah what's one of those things you're not offended but you're like this wow wow you just have those moments of like jesus christ man that was fucking horrible totally totally because the idea what's and it's a good sign i guess because we're 25 years past man but the idea of like making a joke at the time was like crazy crazy because it was so unpatriotic it's weird how patriotic used to be kind of cool now it ain't cool to be patriotic right now with the youngsters no no it's cooler to hate america i think yeah like it's weird how things get like energy around it like uh i think because everybody hates republicans so much that if a republican likes something the other side has to go no we hate that so republicans got an american flag pin a left-wing young guy's like fuck flags right god hates them well vice versa everything everything just whoever does the thing right i mean the democrats didn't want the uh the vaccine and then now trump is pretends to not be the vaccine right even though he was the vaccine guy exactly yeah this whole thing was vaccine warp speed yes yeah of course and then there was one speech where he was like i made the vaccine this whole crowd went boo and he's never mentioned the vaccine he's like i hate the vaccine uh man it's gotta i gotta say i was you watch people at the comedy cellar i watched people at the store they got a nice batch over there comics yeah oh i bet ian edwards i think is so underrated that guy has some gold he doesn't he have like 700 million views on youtube is that right oh no i'm thinking of the other guy who's the other guy that's ari's guy ian bag not ian edwards i'm thinking of a different black guy ali sadiq he's got yeah he's a storyteller wow i'm really just confused by black guys yeah that's a bad look well ian edwards uh he's more of a jokey guy whereas uh ali is more of a story kind of sit down i went to prison let me tell you about it then there's dean edwards oh yeah he's in new york right there's two black comics ian edwards and dean edwards a lot of edwards that's tough a lot of edwards is that what you said edwards oh geez yeah edward please but um yeah so he ian edwards killed it some gold he had some ice stuff that i'm like you got a hot new take on ice i never heard and then uh dave wait went up and murdered dave wait's hilarious i forgot dave was a person yeah dave wait he's like so funny he perfected that kind of character and he nailed it it was killing he had catchphrase it was so funny and then i had to follow steph tolev she's a fucking freight train she's my episode of uh the end oh my god she killed like the the room was shaking she was like and and i think it was all off the dome it was fucking impressive yeah she's insane she's like one of those uh home run hitters yes yes just hitting bombs and you're like oh i gotta go on up to this with my dumb jokes about my family right but yeah so uh that was a treat i just sat and watched and i got eight guys going like what are you watching comedy what are you crazy and i was like i don't live here i don't know well it's fun that's the only time it's it's i want to watch comedy yeah is at the place right right it's like it's it's either clips on instagram like this which is not how comedy's supposed to be or on the back of the room here here and and it's funny how new york and la they're like new york you get a slice la you get a taco you know new york you do the seller la you do the store right new york you take the subway la you take an uber it's all they got the the parallels are there right but it's so different well this is like uh what i love about this what's hard about the stand the stand there's not a place in either room to watch the show i was at the vu the vu has like a a space to just watch the show the seller has the hallway yeah vu has the back of the room the store you can sit in the back the stand it's like it's too weird to go sit in the back of the room no no it's the room because the room is closed off which is great for being on stage but it's hard to watch the show so i never watch a second at the stand you know what i do i go in the av room yeah that's not bad but then you know you might get have to talk to somebody that's true drink over whatever yeah yeah that's a good point coming up empty i pooped uh i got one thing what how long we've been going here by the way i was gonna cut you off in like 30 seconds oh geez cut us off my god all right wait hold on i had some i wrote it down oh oh this is real quick i gotta give a you know mike new jersey guy from asbury park is he in fast times road mount high no that's spickle oh okay he uh he's hilarious very handsome boy from asbury park he's friends with danny brav everyone's friends with danny brav somehow sure i can't stand him but uh just kidding i like him can't see peter but uh yeah sicoli this guy he opened me up in poughkeepsie at uh whatever he opened me at stress factory this guy's aces he is funny as can be he's a great guy he's a great guy he's wait wait poughkeepsie yeah laugh it up oh at least it's stress factory i the both places oh gotta stress factory but anyways laugh it up gotta give a shout out to cal the only guy the only club in america starts early wow we started the 9 30 show at 9 21 he's like you guys ready everyone's here wow 9 21 i love that i did we did a full show three-man show the fucking show was unbelievable just kill central crush rushy silly fun hell yeah sold shirts matt wayne sold stickers meet and greet chatted up chit chat boobly boops mappity back 10 59 p.m hey heading to the car 9 30 show we did the show and a meet and greet and left it was 11 o'clock i love that's unheard of and then before i go on on saturday he's like here's your check we don't want to keep you here oh he gets it because he's like a punk rock diy in a wrestling queef yeah and i'm sure you sold it out we'll cut that too well you know those you know it's a tough weird area forget about it but the nice thing about them too is they pull the tables oh so you look out of the room every seat is filled i mean you go in the closet it's just a pile of empty chairs i'm in the closet great don mcclain song but i mean every show was awesome i ended up staying up there because i have all this editing to do with the skank fest docs i got a hotel and we just spent the day at poughkeepsie it was fucking great but uh mike sicoli watch out for this guy he's funny as the day is long hell yeah that's a fun room and a nice little town you can really get some thinking done yeah i mean it's a piece of shit town but uh sure we had a good time and uh the club rules and great club great staff they get it did you did you get the uh editing going a little bit attention spick and span because you're watching the footage at skank fan you're like oh this is awesome this is hilarious that guy reminds me of this girl let me look at some porn and then next you know you're like oh oh shit i gotta rewind it's like reading a book yes yes you're like four pages go past and you're like i didn't take in any of that i know i know it's the same with the doc but uh the doc's gonna be unbelievable hell yeah yeah i'm working on the thing with salic using he's like we need your notes and i'm like okay and i put it on and it's me so i can't i go ah you figure it out i know i can't either but they can't you need to do it you need to do it some of these guys have the comedic instincts of you know yeah for sure chuck yeah right chuck's great we're only kidding anyway so uh i'll save whatever else and um boy it's good to have you back it's good to be back i missed it and you know don't leave i gotta soak you up before you hit hit the town to cowboyville yeah big old belt buckle well we'll do some zoom welcome we did zoom all through covid it was great we had a we had a pandemic up our ass well different story i'm gonna be living in texas with the cattle i'll never leave who am i kidding yeah well where are you gonna be there dick what the hell was that i touched something down the side i'll put that back that was like a fingernail or a pube yikes where the hell am i gonna be i have no idea the big uk tour. London. Wow. Glasgow. London, we added a show. That's almost sold out. Let's fill that up. Bristol, UK. I don't know who convinced me to do that. That was a fuck up. Oh, boy. Glasgow's looking good. Dublin's going to sell out. Get those tickets early. Don't wait, Dublin. I'm proud of all the Irish blood that's in me. Belfast. Dublin up. What else is going on out there? Oh, Providence Comedy Connection, April 15th through the 18th, or whatever that is. Yeehaw. May 7th is my improv, Hollywood improv. May 5th is Tuesdays with Stories. So get those tickets. Netflix is up my ass. They're like, what's wrong with you? Promote this show. We've sold nine tickets. And I'm like, but sometimes you're like, I've got to promote March first. Yeah, of course. So make sure you get those tickets. LA. I don't come there that often. It's the improv. So fill it up. Are you going to go to the Kevin Hart roast? I don't know. I hadn't even thought of it. It's out there. It's out there, Jerry. And it's loving every minute of it. I mean, it's going to be a big, big event. Oh, maybe I'll go. Shane Gill is hosting. Yeah, that's crazy, because I think he didn't do the Kevin Hart, or the other one. The Brady. Yeah, he's like, ah, I'm out there. There's too much of me. Wow. So he waited a year. All right. Well, so there you go. I'll be in the UK and Los Angeles May 7th. Oh, baby. All right. I'll be in Lexington, Kentucky this weekend. I'm actually, oh, wait, that's over. Shit. Never mind. Kentucky, Spokane, Raleigh, Chattanooga at the Walker Theater. Fort Lauderdale. Hey, there we go. And yeah, MarkNormanComedy.com. Find us on Punch-Up. Check out the Patreon. Patreon is humming. Last week, we did late night sets from Carson, and then we did a Q&A. Oh, yeah. Those are great. We're about to do another one right now, so send your questions in to Chuck Chuck, and we'll see what happens. What happens. Rupert, tell them about your podcast. Yeah, check out my podcast. It's called Reviewing History. We go through historical movies. We tell you what's real and fake in them as we talk dick and fart jokes. It's fun. Check it out. Love it. Thanks, guys. Hell yeah. All right. Thanks, boys. Watch the special. Up in the heavens where legends cry Hopelessly watching the music die Please believe