#649 Meat and Greet

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose what I'm going to say. Hey, nanny nanny! It's late in the afternoon, but we're here. We're clear. It's been a wild week, but we're back. Crazy week. The special's out. It's happening. It's so exciting. Because Netflix knows where Rosemary goes. You turn on Netflix and, whoa, man, it's Mickey. It's just you sitting there. I'm sorry to infiltrate your home like that. But trying to get the word out. Trying to get the views up. We cracked the top ten. I'd love to keep on pushing, but you got WWE Raw. I can't be raw. Oh, so it's not just comedy. It's all the things? All the shows. It's movie, lists, top ten, and shows. And stand-up is considered a show. Oh, okay. And I got raw up my ass. I'm raw-dogging. I don't care for this raw business. I hate raw. I like cooked. Who gives a shit? Chuck looks upset. I don't know. I don't like raw. I don't like. You got wrestling. We got comedians writing jokes and saying jokes. And you got, you know, some asshole in his underwear off the top rope. Yeah, that's Burt Kreischer. But no, I. What the hell happened to his tour bus, by the way? Good Lord. Did you see that? It looked like Gaza footage. I didn't know what happened. It was unbelievable. So, yeah, I mean, I watched his Insta stories. And, yeah, somebody commented, you touring Iran or something like that, Tehran? Oh, fun. That's a couple of good lines. But evidently, they're on the tour bus, him and Ian Fadance and some other guy who I didn't know. And they go. Was he in smoking on it? Was that what did it? Well, the bus tire blows up. And they go, oh, shit, the tire blew out. Sucked me sideways. They all get off. They get a new bus. A different bus. Oh, no, not a new bus. They get on the crew bus. Crew bus. Because, you know, behind is the crew. So they get on that bus. They're all bummed out, I'm sure. It's like, you know, life. They go, oh, jeez, the bus. Are we rolling? Yes. Chuck's pressing a button. I saw a button push. Don't worry. Every time I move, there's no reason. I just watched you press the record button. You walked over and pressed a button. There's no red light on. The lens cap is on. Looked like an important button. Very unimportant button. Big button. All right, all right. Button up. Between the buttons. Buttons. Button hole. Charles S. Button. Benjamin Button. So they had a tire blow out, evidently. They all get on the crew bus. They're all bummed out. They're sitting in the crew. They're like, oh, I hate these guys. That's not the only thing Ian's blown. Then the bus gets a new tire, starts driving, and blows up. And evidently, it was the middle of the night. They all would have been sleeping in the back. I mean, who knows? I mean, it could be a story. But certainly, their bus blew up. And the bus driver had 15 seconds to get up. I'm telling this like I was there. Wow. This is what Bert said. But crazy. They could have all been dead. Wow. God willing. So the driver saw the writing on the walls and skedaddled? No, I think it was like the beginning of Casino. I think it was like. And he was like, ah! And dove out the side. He had 15 seconds. He got out and ate or whatever. Man. Got out and ate dinner. Yeah. And stopped, dropped, and rolled. And the thing was a fucking dust bunny by the end of the day. I guess the Russians finally came back for the machine. Hey, that's pretty good. Ah-ha. Nothing could stop the machine except a industrial fire. But my god, it's one of those moments where you're like, that would have been fucking crazy if Ian and Bert just burned up in a fire. Man, that's good eating, though. Bert on a skillet. Bert. Bert Kreischer. There it is. There it is. Well, something's burning, which I thought of, and Crack-O-Meco got it first. So I was like, ah, that's a clever queef, that Cracky. He's good. He's quick. He's good. Oh, what was I going to say? Yeah, that'd be one of those Sam Kinnison deaths. You know, everybody's like, oh, Sam Kinnison. He's going to do blow until he dies. He's fat. He's going to get drunk driving. And he gets hit by a drunk driver. He wouldn't even do anything wrong, and he dies. Right. Bert getting burned alive. Everybody thinks, oh, his liver's going to fail. He's going to fall off a cliff drinking. His shirt's going to get caught in something, like a helicopter propeller. Stevie Ray Vaughan, same thing. What happened there? Got sober and was in recovery. You can hear his AA tapes online. Sober guy, cleaned up, helicopter crash. No. He got COVID? Yeah. I didn't know that. I could be wrong. Am I right about that? I think I'm right about that. So, Theo Vaughan? Pretty sure. Look up Stevie Ray Vaughan. Oh, Stevie Ray. Yeah, yeah. Now, Theo's alive and well. Yes, yes. I don't know if he's well. I haven't spoken to him. Not mentally, I don't think. Never in my life, honestly. But career-wise, I think he's doing fine. Yeah, he's kicking butt. Oh, yeah. I like that store Vaughan's down there in California. Oh, yeah. That's pretty good. That's grocery? I think so. Yeah, yeah. But they also got, like, you know, beach balls and such like that. Ah, that is Vince Vaughn. And there's Ralph's. Oh, yeah. Ralph's, I think, is the low end. We got Stop and Shop over here. Boy, tough start to this episode. What do you got there, Chuck? It says he died in 1990 at age 35 following a concert. 35? The helicopter struck a ski slope shortly after takeoff. Wow, Asians. In a dense fog. Dense fog. These helicopters. You got to be careful in these fucking helicopters. No, thank you. I'm not into it. 35. Whenever you hear a guy die at 35, what's the first thing you think? Are they 27 club? Or Jesus at 33? What's the first thing you think when you hear about that? I mean, it's just horrible. And it's crazy to me how, I think I talked about this recently, how similar Bill Hicks and Stevie Ray Vaughan are. I just put them in such a close-knit pile. Interesting. Because they both live in Texas. They both have the same big hat. Yeah. Both die, one's 32, one's 35. Yeah. Both have the kind of Austin roots. Yeah. Both kind of alcoholics. Yeah. Both get sober, die tragically. Yeah. Both kind of phenoms. Yeah. Considered the greats of their time at their thing. Sure. And basically the same time period. All right. Stevie Ray dies in 90, and Hicks dies in 94. Interesting. So it's two very connected guys. I don't hear enough people talk about- I've never put that together. How kind of connecting feeling they are. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what is Stevie Ray Vaughan's claim to fame? Like the best guitarist ever. I mean, some people could say that. I think he's one of the best, at least. Maybe the best white guitar player ever. Big blues guy. We got a big hit song I've heard of. He's got the biggest hit hit. I mean, he's more of a solo. Like a whale-y guy. Oh, got it. Love struck, baby, I must confess. Oh, yeah. He had a Voodoo Child cover that fucking ripped. He had the, oh, I can't think of songs on the spot. So he was just like one of these- She's my pride and joy. Pride and joy. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. I'm a sweet little baby. I'm a little lover boy. He's got a great acoustic song, Life by the Drop. Okay. He's amazing. His brother is also a fucking Rick Vaughn from the Cleveland Indians. Just kidding. But no, his brother is a good guitarist as well. And Jimmy, Double Trouble, Texas Flood. Well, it's flooding down in Texas. All the telephone lines are down. All right. Okay. Well, RIP Stevie. Stevie Ray and Hicks. Tough sledding out there. Don't get on a chopper, folks. It's bad news. There's too many chopper deaths. Yeah. I mean, they had the one in the Hudson River not that long ago. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Which Tim Dillon had a great bit. He's like, someone had to continue trying to sell tickets that day. They're like, hey, folks, what are the chances? Come on. Right. That's a good bit. God damn. The helicopter. Family. No. Oh, yeah. Kids and everything. The whole nine. Oh, wee. Good golly. Yeah. All right. Well, let's see. Let's switch gears. Yeah. I'm burning at both ends. I got Shea Shea out today. I did Seth Meyers last night. I did Good Morning New York yesterday. And then I did Pods today. I did Trigonometry. I'm doing Rich Eisen, doing Rogan, doing Adam Ray, doing Santino, Bobby Lee. The list goes on. Good Lord. Then you get worried everyone's going to just be like, enough with this asshole. Do they spread them out a little? I hope so. Yeah. Actually, not really. That's a good question. Good question. Big waddo. Yeah. Well, I think the Rogan will come out in a week or something. So, yeah, I think it's a little spread. But I think you got to hit it hard out of the gate and then trickle. Trickle off. Trigonometry. Yeah. Trigonometry. Isn't that a big pod? That one's pretty big and it's all political. And I had that thing where these guys are smart. They know their stuff. And they're British. So, I went to their studio and you're just sitting on a big oak table. And they're like, what do you think of Iran? And I'm like, Ayatollah's gay. And they just stare at you. And I'm like, uh. The gay of Hormuz? And they're like, all right. We got to go or whatever. It was just. If you watch it, I'm just spazzing the whole time because they just stare at you. Oh, God. I hate British starers. Oh, my God. The worst. Can you yes and me for God's sake? Yes. Yes. Yeah. And I think they're like, oh, he's a comedian. He'll just go. Right. And I'm like, I got nowhere to go. I can make a zinger and then I'm out. That's my move. I'm like George. I get the laugh and I move on. I never really listened to that podcast. But I know I hear about people talking about it. It doesn't sound like a zingy show. No. And they're they're cool guys. And they. One of them's a comic, one used to be a comic, so they get it. They get the comedy thing, but they're like, oh, he's an established comedian. We're going to just let him juggle and tiptoe and tippy-dippy-day-day. And I'm like, oh, yeah, well, what are you going to do with NATO? I don't know what NATO is. I'm just trying to say smart shit. That's the National Alliance of Total Ovaries. Oh, Total Ovaries. Okay. It's a Schwarzenegger film. I don't know. I'm off. I'm all off, Jerry. Well, it's a long week. I came straight from the regs, and they're gay and scary, and I've had too much caffeine. I'm sorry. Too much caffeine will get you. There's a tipping point. I know. I just had a brownie, too. I haven't had a meal. I haven't seen my kid. My dick fell off. I can't even speak properly. Well, we're getting old. Sam's got a hole in his stomach, a hole in his heart, and a hole in his ass. He's like, I can't have coffee in two weeks. I've got to slow down on the booze. My doctors told me I'm Jewish. He's fucked. Well, he's stressed out. He's out there. He's trying to take a vacation or something. What's he doing? Well, he's actually shot a special. Apparently, it went great, and he's just taking it easy. Decompress, Jerry. I think that's the move these days, because I was talking to another big comic who just did a thing, and my manager was like, oh, you can't get in touch with him. He's off the grid for a couple months. Okay. And I was like, oh, wow. That might be the move, but you don't want to go too off. You don't want to go Ari, where you're in fucking the Himalayas. Right. Ari's turned into Jay Peterman. He's like, oh. Then I was selling a horsehair shoe out in Zimbabwe, and you're like, all right, get your ass back to earth, will you, you fucking hebe? Ari was just busting my balls, because he's like, yeah, I tried getting in touch with you, but you wouldn't download WhatsApp, so I couldn't even get in touch with you. I'm like, you're giving me shit, because I didn't want to get a new app. You're living in the fucking jungle. Exactly. You're a bachelor party. He kept borrowing my phone. He's like, I got to borrow your phone. I'm off iPhones. Right. I don't do gossip. I don't use things after nine. I don't fuck. I'm going barefoot for June. And then he's like, yeah, I couldn't get in touch with you, because you wouldn't download WhatsApp. I'm like, what are you, crazy? You're in the jungle. I know. He's Rick Jubin. He's over here. Then he yells at us for not signing a thing. It's a lot. So I don't know what to think, but he's back in the city. Yes. Did you see him yet? I didn't see him. I'm saying too much about Ari. I mean, his stupid life. But he calls me. He's like, hey, Tuesday night, you want to go see Marcus King at the Blue Nut? I go, yeah, I'm in. Oh, that's cool. And I go, normally, I want a night off. If I have a night off, I want the night off. I'm going to be the boy. And I go, you know, I got to live. I'm leaving the city someday. I love Marcus King. He's a good fan of mine, too. I go, yeah, I'm in. He goes, never mind. Team USA won the baseball game. I got to watch the baseball game. I go, why didn't you write that in the invite, that there was a contingency? Right. All of a sudden, you can't miss a sporting event? You were just living in Africa for six months. Oh, true. You missed the election, the Super Bowl, the Stanley Cup, the Olympics. And now he goes, I got to watch baseball. I know. Well, who are you? Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you who he is. He's a gay Ayatollah. He's got a beard down to here. He's bald. And I want to bomb him. All right. And he bombs. So there you go. We miss you, Ari. We love you. But yeah, he's a kook. He's all pipes. But yeah, I did. Good morning, New York, which it's fun to be back on the news thing. I haven't done, you know, what do you call those segments? Daytime. Yeah, daytime news, because I used to do them all the time. You know, you're out in Tampa, and they're like, you sold eight tickets. You got to go on Crocodile on number five or whatever it's called. Well, I think nobody does them anymore because of you. Maybe. I think you ended it for everybody. Everyone went, hey, enough of this. They're going to come on and say they rape kids. Right, right. Well, the beauty of a good day five or whatever is it's live. Oh. So I got a lot of zingers in, and eventually the lady was like, you need to leave. And so that was kind of fun to be back. But it's that old shit where there's like an Irish, I did it on St. Paddy's Day, there's an Irish step dancing group of kids. They're making a stew, like a Guinness stew over here, and all the segments. And it's fun. I got the guy with the headset, the clipboard. It was good to be back. I always loved doing those TVs because you see the big, big cardboard wall. Yes, yes. It's like wood on one side, and the other side is a grandma's house or whatever. And yeah, everyone's very serious and union-y, but you have no nerves because no one's watching the stupid fucking thing. I know, I know. I don't care anymore, and you're like half asleep. I got the jizz in my eye. My hair's up here like something about Mary. If you look at it, I look like hell. But it's one of those things where you wake up early, you get your ass down there. Rush hour in New York. I forgot how much hell that is. You don't have to tell me. I'm out of here. Yeah, you're already gone, but you're just like this, and everybody hates each other, and it's freezing cold. You get out of the subway, and it's like, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. The wind goes right up your face, and then you go in. You wait in a waiting room like this, and they go, you're on. They hit the on-air light. You go on. You go, yeah, I got a special out. What's that? Jizz, Israel, Holocaust, Tehran, Ayatollah. I'll see you later, and then before you know it, you're on the street again. But you know what else is great about those shows? There's always a hot lady with stilettos nine inches long. Every time I'm there, the host has a shoe I want in my ass so bad. The host was pretty milfy, I got to say. And she felt a little flirty, but I don't know. Maybe that was just because I was touching her leg. Big heel? Decent heel. I love those heel. I love the, because they're not walking around. They're just sitting on a couch. Right. So they're able to wear that fucking pointy foot, sexy shoe. She was all business. Heel, heel. Hitler. It was exciting, and yeah, you get out of there, and then it's just over. And then I did Seth Meyers, which is a blast. I never did a couch. Oh, you did the couch? I did the couch. First couch in all my, yeah, it came out last night. I slept in it. Yeah. Is it online? It is, yeah. I had no idea. Yeah, they cut a few things, but I got to follow some hoity-toity Broadway cunt, so I got to be, I was zigging and zagging. She was a big snooze. No kidding. How was that? How was Seth? He couldn't have been cooler. He's a regular guy. I'll tell you, I was in the waiting room with the wife. They do the thing where it's like eight guys with headsets and four girls, and they go, Seth's going to come say hi. And you go, okay, great. I'm eating all the snacks. And he comes in, and he's like, hey, what's up, man? How are you? Thanks for doing the show. This is my wife. Okay. And he's so likable and charming, and he left, and my wife was like, that was amazing. He's good. Wow. You can just feel it. That's why they get these jobs. They get these jobs, Jerry, because they're affable and charming. They know how to do it. By the way, did you watch Conan at the Oscars? I loved it. He's amazing. I loved that opening. He's a real treasure, that man. The closing was great. The weapons opening with the makeup was genius, with the kids chasing him. I loved it. No, he's tremendous, but that's Seth Meyers. I've never come across him. I've never really watched the show, but I can believe it, of course. Yeah, yeah, but I got to say, and I don't want to besmirch the queef. No, don't besmirch. We'll probably besmirch them. Before, probably, but he was great on the desk. He gave you a rope and let you play, and I said all kinds of crazy shit, and he laughed, but there's 900 union guys there, and you just can't help but think, as we're a couple of internet queefs with one camera, a gay producer, Rupert maybe, and it's like grip, clipboard, casting lady, makeup lady, haircut, and it just goes and goes, and you're like, I'm in the waiting room. There's seven guys on the wall. Just standing there with suits on, and one guy started talking to me. He's like, yeah, I'm an ex-cop. I'm like, oh, wow. He's like, this is the best job I've ever had. I'm getting paid handsomely. I drink coffee all day. I eat snacks, and if somebody gets out of line, I'm here, but come on. It's 30 Rock. What am I doing? And they take you up and down in the elevator, and that's their whole job, and you're like, God, no wonder this empire is crumbling, because it's just a big money waste. Right. What the hell's a page? Exactly. I'm a page. What does that mean? What is that? Am I supposed to read you? Hey, is this new stuff? That's better than anything I've got. That is good stuff, yeah. Elliot Page. But yeah, it was- I don't know what that is either. It felt like I was in a magazine, because it's such an old, primitive system over there. Right. That you're like, wow, it's cool. I love 30 Rock. They pick you up in a limousine. There's free shit. They give you a gift bag. You look like a million bucks. They put you in a green room. I was next to Steve Zahn. I love Steve Zahn. I've been talking about Steve Zahn. He was on the show. We met. We chatted. What? I've been trying to make- I get this script, and I'm like, Steve Zahn. We got to get Steve Zahn. Evidently, he's one of these guys that's like Bill Murray. He has like a burner phone. If you want Steve Zahn, that's what I heard. You got to call the 1-800-ZAHN, and be like, hey, Stevie boy. He doesn't have an agent or a manager. Yeah. Theo Zahn. This guy is amazing. I love Zahn. I love Zahn. I bumped him in the hallway, like literal bumping. I was like, oh, sorry. Oh, my God. And I went, I'm a big fan. He goes, I'm a fan, which I think is bullshit, but I'll take it. Wow. I think you're bigger than Zahn at this point. Well, Zahn's in White Lotus. He's in Saving Silverman. He's got a rap sheet. I want to party with you. Well, Saving Silverman was 30 years ago, literally. That's true. Well, get some Zahn resume if you can. Well, Suburbia. He's great in that. Oh, yeah. That thing you do. Yes. He's great. I love him. And they did that remake of Duel that was real silly. - Oh yeah. What the fuck was that called? Tag. Tag. No, not tag. It was like they're on the pager. The truck is chasing them. They're fucking with them. It's basically Duel, but sillier. From the 90s. Yeah, with Kurt Russell? No, no, no. No, no, no. You're thinking of the Tarantino. What's that called? It's called Joyride. Joyride. Joyride. Suburbia. That thing you do. What do you got? He was just in the new Anaconda. That was a big one. Oh, there you go. He's probably plugging that on the show, right? He was, yeah. He was plugging Anaconda. Oh, yeah. Really? That was a little while ago now. Well, they just threw out a bunch of credits out there. What the fuck else? Those 90s, 2000s indie things. Showed nudity in White Lotus. I think he's in, what's it called? Reality Bites, I believe. Oh, yeah. Maybe. He looks great. He's been around for 90 years. He looks amazing. Oh, there's some of those other things. He's fucking terrific. Yeah, he's good. He was cool. He was cool, but he didn't do a lot of zinging. You know, these actors are all hilarious, but they're not really a cuff off of, if you know what I mean. Dallas Buyers Club. Oh, HIV. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Well, anyways, he's the man. Yeah, it was cool. So then we left there. We got a steak dinner at Chelsea Hotel, which I highly recommend. Wow. Yeah, took the wife out. She got all dolled up. I had a nice suede jacket on, and it just feels good. And I said, well, you know, I'm a next to Gotham, and I went and did a set. And I bombed. Ah, that's fun. So that'll take you right back down to Planet Anal. Well, Gotham can be tough on a weekday. It's a big room. They don't always have, you know, whatever. Yeah, and it's always weird, because the host is like, this guy has a special out today. And the crowd's like, oh, should I get the meatballs or the chicken fingers? Right. You know, and then you go up, and you go, hey, everybody, blah, blah. And they go, all right, we got to get out of here. And they just start talking. That's comedy. All I can do is think of Steve Zahn movies that I'm not thinking of that are so good and fun. Is he in Twister also? I don't think so. I'll look it up, but I don't think that's right. What am I thinking of? Can we just rattle off every movie he made from the mid-90s to the mid-2000s? Xanadu. He's in one of the new Planet of the Apes movies. OK. Oh, you're naming junk I don't care about. Give me that, like, indie, rom-com stuff. I think it's a while ago. So, like, scrolling backwards is a lot of stuff. I feel like he's underutilized. He's so good at. comedy, character acting that I feel like he should be in everything. He nails every role. He should be bigger. I don't know. All this stuff. Strange Wilderness. I think all the stuff you're thinking of is, like, from, like, 25 years ago. Yeah, I think you're right. Yeah, well, I hope he's happy and I hope he's rich because he deserves it. I think he's doing all right. Are you looking up Zahn movies? I got to get Zahn because he's not giving me what I want. I know, but he's not giving us the goods here. He's in Daddy Daycare. He's in National Security. Out of Sight. Out of Sight was a great movie. Great Out of Sight. Is that Soderbergh? Love Out of Sight. Reality Bites, I told you. Oh, he's in You Got Mail? You've Got Mail. Okay, okay, I get old. He's in The Good Dinosaur. That's huge. I don't know that one. No, I've never heard of that in my life. T-Rex? Well, who's The Good Dinosaur? Crimson Tide. He's in the air. Wow. Suburbia. I told you, Suburbia. He can do serious. He can do drama. Forces of Nature. Happy Texas. I don't know that. Hamlet. Doctor Dolittle 2. Chicken Little Sahara. I remember that movie. Benditas. Chicken Little was good. That falls off pretty hard here for a while. Yikes. Sky is falling. Yikesy. Buyer's Club. Boy. Buyer's Club was good. Oh, yeah. That was award winning. Hey, folks. Two Stories brought to you by Knick Knack. You've tried all the other nicotine options. Check out Knick Knack. They're fully dissolvable nicotine lozenges. Just six ingredients, including xylitol, essential oils, and non-tobacco nicotine. Pop it in and let it dissolve like a cough drop. Knick Knack are available in three or six milligram strengths. Knick Knack's nine varieties include two unflavored options for states with flavor bans. Hey, everybody needs to pick me up. Forget about all the other ones. Knick Knack's the way to go. They got good stuff. Easy, clean. Get a nice little jolt. I love it. I do it when I write and I get all kinds of wacky ideas. No spit cups, no clouds, no trash when you're done. Knick Knacks are great anytime, anywhere. Go to knickknack.com slash Tuesdays and use code Tuesdays for 20% off. Or use the store locator to find Knick Knacks near you. If you use nicotine, Knick Knack is the discreet way to do it. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Get some Knick Knack. Love it. What's up, gang? Tuesdays for Stories is brought to you by Quince. I believe I'm saying it right. I gotta tell you, I just got home. I was in Florida. Before I left, I ordered a bunch of stuff off of Quince. They got everything. My wife's birthday's in a couple weeks, April 17th. Send her a note. I got her a skirt, a pair of shoes, a pair of socks, and a bracelet. And I'm not making any of this up. I got my son a cool collared shirt. They got baby stuff. I got myself a bomber jacket for when I bomb. I got myself a shirt and two pairs of pants. One pair of jeans, one pair of tracksuits. I got myself a pair of pants. I'm telling you, they got everything on there. You can't believe how good it is. You don't need a new wardrobe. You just need the right prices. Quince makes clothing you'll wear every day, year-round. Quince clothes are well-made, versatile, and built to last. From active wear to formal wear and everything in between, Quince has the essentials you'll love. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Go to quince.com slash Tuesdays for free shipping and 30-day, excuse me, 365-day returns. I was excited. Say 30. 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. Oh, Canada. Go to q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash Tuesdays for free shipping and 365-day returns. quince.com slash Tuesdays. I'm really using this. Oh, my. Now, what do you think of the Oscars, Jerry? Oh, aside from Conan. Well, the Oscars I thought was fun. I thought Conan was great. I think that. You know, some of my opinions I have to leave off the air here. It gets a little. You hate sinners. Dicey. I like sinners. I thought it was good. It's a fucking monster movie. Of course. It's like a zombie fun romp movie. Yeah, it was a lot. It's a popcorn. It's silly. Like F1. It's a fun movie. I thought Michael B. Jordan. I thought that was a crazy win. Oh, really? Oh, I thought Chalamet was better. I thought Ethan Hawke was better. I thought DiCaprio was better. Not that he was bad, this Jordan. No, no, no. And then everyone's getting standing O's. Paul Thomas Anderson, one of the great filmmakers in history. Top five. I mean, this guy's been around for 30 years making banger after banger. Wins his first Academy Award ever. They sit and clap. And then the guy that wrote Sinners, the writer, Coogan. Is that his name? Coogan? Coogler. Coogler. He wins writer. Standing O! Wow. It feels racist. Literally. There's a lot of white guilt going on in that movie. Paul Thomas Anderson is a Hall of Fame. Plac. Yeah. Straight to the top. First ballot Hall of Famer. Never won an Oscar. Finally wins. They go, oh, nice. All right. Coogler. He didn't get an O? No O. Coogler. Everybody. The black guy wrote a thing. Does it not feel a little bit fucking weird? Every single woman in black person got a standing ovation. Well, it's Hollywood, man. I'm like, what's going on here? Did you see the regulations they put out to win Best Picture? What you have to have? No. Oh. Don't even look at it. It's appalling that this is a part of art or filmmaking. Because it's like, okay, you want to have an Oscar winner, you have to have these boxes checked. You have to have one disability, one gay, one color, whatever. And I'm not even kidding. It's out there. Pull it up, Fetty. It's out there, Jerry. And I'm loving every minute of it. I was not loving it. And you go, all right, if you're going to implement all these rules, people are going to go make their own studios and make their own Oscars. Right. They're going to call it Oscar Mayer and have a whole thing in Canada where they live off free. Right. No, I liked Sinners, and I thought it was good and fun. But I don't know. I thought Michael B. Jordan was like, I thought he was good. I thought he was like a good performance. He's a good actor. But I thought, yeah, I thought Chalamet was amazing. I thought DiCaprio was amazing. I thought Ethan Hawke was amazing. Yeah. I thought the whole Oscars was just trash and Chalamet. He got it right on the chin. Well, he pissed everyone off about ballet or something. I don't know. The bubble the Oscars are. They're like, we've got a war in Iran. People are dying in the streets. We've got all this shit going on. But the ballet, you cannot mock the ballet. That's where our priorities are. We're the actors. Ah, the ballet. But I thought it was a fun show. And I was very happy that P.T. Anderson got three awards and gave three great speeches. He didn't fuck up once. He had three nice, sincere, good things. He seems like a smart chap. What was that 1975 rant he went on? He was like, in 1975, it was Jaws. It was Pacino or whatever the hell. Well, I think he was saying, like, all five of those movies are just home run Hall of Famers. It's hard to pick one. It means all those movies are great. Oh, like his category. Yeah, I think he's saying these are all greats. I mean, I think F1 will stand the test of time. That's up there with Dog Day Afternoon, if you ask me. But, you know, I thought it was fun. I like watching the Oscars. It's fun because it feels like everyone's watching a thing. It's exciting. Yeah. Hallelujah. - The numbers were down. - Yeah. got. This is bananas, this list. Thank you. It's like bananas. Alright, one of the first ones. This is to qualify for being nominated for Best Picture? You can't win without this. Alright, there's a couple. Ready? Lead or significant supporting actors from underrepresented racial or ethnic groups. So you have to have at least one of the leads from an ethnic group. Crazy. At least one. What if it's a movie about one guy? Then at least 30% of all actors are from at least two underrepresented groups. The main storyline or theme of the film is centered on an underrepresented group. This is real? To win Best Picture? This is real. This is scary. And I know we sound like a bunch of boomer queefs. We're not against diversity or anything. You shouldn't have rules for movies. It's a movie. I think maybe this is a reaction to a couple years ago where they were boycotting the Oscars. Oscars so white. Remember that? Of course. And look, I get it, but you can't force shit. That's the death of art. Wow. That's funky. What if you make a movie about the Ku Klux Klan or something? Or a movie about the Middle Ages. You know, in Germany. I'm just saying. How many Best Pictures in the past wouldn't have won if they had these rules? Most of them. The Godfather. Forget about it. It's a bunch of wops. Silence of the Lambs? Yeah. Yeah, I guess Jaws is out. Oh, keep it going. Keep it going. It's all these LA Confidential and Shakespeare in Love. Probably Saving Private Ryan. Right. Forrest Gump. Boy, you had Bubba. You got Bubba. But that's not a lead. He's one of the main characters, I guess. It's not about him, though. It has to be about an underrepresented guy. Well, I think Retarded is pretty underrepresented. Disability. Yeah, disability. You know, a little off. Boy, you're going to just have to have a speech impediment or an earache or something in the movie. Just to qualify. Oh, I got an earache, baby. Yeah, no, it was a fun show. I'm worried that this is going to come out in nine weeks. Everyone's going to be mad at us. Keep it moving. How about this? I got a little tail for you. Tail feather. I love tail. Chuck's touching the camera. It makes me very nervous. He's back there. My son went down, too, on my mother. But, uh. Now, what do you make of this? You know, I like Uber Eats. First of all, my neighborhood is great. And I love it. But, it's a bit of a food desert over there. There's a Chipotle. There's an old burnt-out pizza. Picasso's pizza, but it's gone now. Oh, it burned. It burned. To the ground. So, that's gone. There's a bodega. So, you can get a sandwich in the corner there. I like that bodega. Yeah, it's pretty good. It's almost a little market. But, you got Chipotle. And then you got Gristini's fucking grocery store. The hot food is never pleasant. Never good. Not much. So, you gotta order delivery. Or else, you have to cross the West Side Highway, go to the Financial District. So, and I got the baby. So, he's napping. So, I order McDonald's delivery. Because I'm a piece of white trash. You got that right. And I love McDonald's. Sure. Does it hold up? Is it still as good as it used to be? Yeah. Alright. It never changes. It's fucking aces. That's what's nice about it. Yeah. Love McDonald's. Even thinking about McDonald's, I want McDonald's. One of my favorite things to do is get McDonald's late at night in the drive-thru, park, and eat it in the car. Wow. That was Sarah and I's thing. We would just do that all the time. After a gig, you go to McDonald's. In the car. Get in the car and fucking eat it. Then you gotta throw it out. Or else, the car will smell like McDonald's for the rest of your life. That's true. Are you a fry guy? Big fry guy. I find their fries to be very good. I like a soggy shit fry. I like a soggy fry as well. Give me a limp noodle. I like to order fries to go and leave them in the plastic and get them all squishy and yucky. Yeah, but sometimes you leave them too long, they go hard again. Like a dick. You know? Like, if you leave it too long, now you got the stale fry. So, it kind of gets petrified. What was that food fight? Food fighters. Do you remember that? Food fighters? That was a toy where, like, a french fry with a machine gun. I don't think it was food fighters. That's a rock and roll band. I see. Yeah, there was a pizza guy. Food fighters. Food fighters. I think it was, like, one of those toys that I thought was cool and everyone had, but I think it's actually, like, a cheapo depo white trash toy. Interesting. Yeah. I don't know food fighters. But, anywho, so I order McDonald's. The baby's napping. I'm going, I'm gonna get some McDonald's. I'm starving. Here we go. And, you know, it costs $350 because it's Uber Eats. It's New York City. The fees! They jack you up. So, I go, uh, alright. Double quarter pounder, french fry, chicken tenders for the baby, and a water. Send it my way. So, it goes, hey, your order's in. And I'm starving. So, I go, okay, your order's in. Should be there in five minutes. Mahumad has your thing. He's on a bike. Here he comes. I get the call. Hey, food's downstairs. Alright, thank you. I'll be right down. I run down the stairs. He's napping, so I gotta get back because I'm like, I don't want him to wake up and I'm gone. That's scary. Go get the food. Come running back up. Fuck it. Grab a few fries. Shove them in my mouth. I got my bottle of water. Crack that open. Have a little guzzle. I pick up my double quarter pounder. Light. It's like the old Seinfeld bit with the milk container. You pick it up and you go, huh. Yes, yes. It's light. I go, why is this light? I bet they gave me a single quarter pounder. These fucks. Open it up. No meat. What the fuck? It's a bun. I got photos. We'll put the photos in right here. Meatless? It's bun, two slices of cheese, ketchup. Oh, this used to be a country. This is Trump's America. I go, what the fuck is this? They forgot the meat. They packed it up. They sent it. On St. Paddy's, you got no patty. No patty. Paddywhack. So I go, what the fuck is this? Paddywhack, a bone. I go, all right, well, I guess they forgot to put the meat in, but they closed the box. They put ketchup on it. You got ketchup on it. They grilled up the bun. They put the cheese in. He's the biggest. Put it in the box. Put the box in the bag. Put the bag in a bigger bag. Put the bag in the bike bag. The bike bag guy rides over. Put him in a body bag. How the fuck does this happen? Wow. What's in the box? So I take a photo. I go to Uber Eats. I go, you got a complaint. And they don't make it easy to get your money back. They don't make it easy. A lot of steps. They go, what's your complaint? Do you have a complaint with the driver? Do you have a complaint with the fucking cook? Do you have a complaint with your mother? Are you groped? Exactly. So I go, okay, yeah, no meat. No heat. Wonder why Christmas missed us. Birthdays were the worst days. We sipped champagne when we were Thursday. No meat is crazy. It feels like a troll. So I take the photo. They go, you want a refund? Yes, I want a refund. It's like 22 bucks. So I go, all right, fuck you. Refund. Take a photo. I laugh. I go, this is crazy, but I'm out of double quarter pounder. You don't eat the bun? I want lunch. I can't eat a bun. I'm like, I feel like, what am I, fucking hobo Joe over here? I might as well move to Texas with a handkerchief and a stick. What? You're going to Texas anyway. I know, but I'm saying, what do I do? I fucking put my stuff on top of my car and drive there? Yeah, yeah, that's crazy. I mean, I would eat the bun just for a snack. But I ate the fries, so I ate the fries. I go to Uber Eats. I reorder. I go, I want my burger. All right. I'm getting a refund. I get that back in one to three days. They put it back in my account. They try to get you this way. They go, you want us to refund your Uber Eats bucks? Bucks? No bucks. I don't want Uber Eats. Because I don't know how to get to the Uber Eats dollars. I don't even like the team. I got $4,000 in the Uber Eats app. I don't know how to pay with it. Ah, yeah, it's like Monopoly money. They try to get you in the system. Yeah, no system. Systemic racism. System of a down syndrome. So I go, no. Give me the fucking, put it in my account. Then I click reorder. Because I want the meat. I want the double quarter pounder. You gotta have the meat, Jerry. I'm lunchless. We have the meats. Apparently not. So it goes, okay. McDonald's got your order. They're putting it on the grill. They're putting it in your ass. They got fucking, uh, Kumar has your food. Oh, no, Harold? Well, I think he's eating the burger. I guess so. I bet that fucking driver was doing a full, uh, white whale back there, like Free Willy. No, because the bag is sealed. They put the plastic McDonald's thing over it. Sorry, Muhammad. So here comes Kumar. Yeah. And I get the phone call. Hello. Was that Kumar? I go, hello. Hey, food's here. I go downstairs. Baby's still sleeping. Hey. He goes, boy, you're hungry today. I knew that was coming. I gotta deal with that shit. Come on. Now they're zinging you? How much does that cost for a zing? I got double shopping bag. They bring it in a shopping bag, Jerry. So it looks, I got two bags. I look like fucking, uh, Holly Golightly. Oh, is it the supers or the disc guy? Oh, I thought the driver said that. He's like, Jesus Christ. And I look like I'm fucking, you know, uh, Brendan Frazier in that piece of shit whale movie. Yes, yes. Free Willy or whatever it was. So I grab the bag. I go, I go, well, these assholes, they didn't put any meat. The guy goes, no meat. That's crazy. What are you, a homo? I go, well, I dabbled in high school. You're vegan. Brian Vegan. So I take it upstairs. I run upstairs, hoping the baby's still asleep. He's still asleep. At least you got some steps in with the McDonald's. Of course. So now I got a new fries. And I got two fries because I share with the baby, and if Sarah wants some, and so I. Two fries don't bother me. Now I have four fries. All right. My forefathers. Four fries over here. Great Don Gavin joke. I come from a big family. Forefathers. Oh, boy. You know this guy, Aaron Chen? I keep hearing about him. I hear he's a good, good little Asian. He's good. He goes, I'm a family man. I have a sister. Very similar joke to the other joke, but he's great. He's got some great bits. Anyways. So now I crack open the bag. I love the sound effect. This is a new addition to the show. Pull out the fries. Pick up the box. Huh. Light. No. Don't do it. No pickle? in the box. No meat. Shut the fuck up. God, I can't believe what I'm hearing. I'll show you the photos. Double, double, double quarter pounder. No meat either. So twice, they took the bun, put on the cheese, squirted the ketchup, closed it up, put it in the box, and sent it off. Well, how do you miss the meat? The meat's everything. Well, I don't know if there's a meat shortage, or if it's Iran, or if it's Russia, or Israel, whatever it is. I have no idea. I blame Trump. Wow. But people are going to get serious about that. Fucking shut up. But anyways, no meat. Twice. Double no meat. Meat or made. So what do I do? I'm like, do I go to McDonald's and kick in the door and go, what the fuck's going on here? I think you have to. You got to slap some sense into them. This is crazy. So now I go back to Uber Eats. I got to figure out how to complain again. It looks like I'm running a scam. Right. They're running a scam. Because I'm just ordering off of Uber Eats and then immediately getting a refund, which I realized, I guess you could just do, but they make you take a photo of it. So I got photos of meatless burgers. Send them to Jeff. Call in. Fuck. Yeah. Put it up here. Call in with your hypothesis. So here's the first one. Wow. 2.41 PM. Oh, wait. Hold on. This is the other one. You're right, though, because how do they know you're not just eating the meat and then taking a photo? That's a great point. I don't know. Ugh. You hope that's not the case. Did I only take photos of one of them? Is there any chance you somehow clicked no meat or minus meat? Is there any chance? No. Because I'm sure that's an option. No, because it says double. Double quarter pounder with cheese. Why would they call it that? I would just be- Yeah, that's true. Well, you can substitute anything, though. You could be like, no cheese, no tomato, no onion. I don't think so. I can go look, but- Yeah, look at it. You better check that before they check your account. I did Uber Eats, like reorder. You know what I mean? It would be the same. No, no, but I did reorder from the last time I ordered and the time before that and the time before that. Okay, so you got a system. Past orders. Okay, here we go. I mean, this is bigger than Watergate. That's not accusing. I'm just wondering about how this happens. Large meal, two ketchups, no pickle, no slivered onions. Slivered? That's it. Yeah, they sliver the onions. What the hell's a slivered onion? I think they sliver it. I see. So, double quarter pounder with cheese comes with two ketchup, no onions, no pickle. There you go. And yeah, quarter pound beef. You got everything except, you got everything but cheese and meat on there. They're just not sending me the beef. Wow, where's the beef? I don't know. Crazy. So, I guess I'm ordering buns over here. Ironically, you have beef with them. I got big beef and I don't know what to do. Wow, you got no meat, now you have a beef. You should have called the McDonald's and said, what's going on here? I just did two Uber Eats and they both came without meat. Let's call them. Do they have a phone? Let's call them right now. This is like my old bed. Yeah, get on the horn. Who calls McDonald's? What McDonald's is it? On Wall Street? I don't know. Get on there, choo-choo. Well, when was this order? I mean, it's a weird thing now. Well, we can still yell at them. I just want to hear a crazy black guy answer the phone. I'm-a do. I'm-a do. My friend got no meat a couple days ago. Well, we can hand him the phone. He's the victim here. I'm scared. McDonald's. I don't know. It doesn't say what McDonald's it is. Order completed. Oh, View Store. Here we go. I think Chuck should do the talking. All right. Put it on here. 160 Broadway. 160 Broadway. Map quest it and then get the phone number. But who are we talking? You can't say my name or number here. Use my name. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. Well, I'll say your name. Everyone- No, don't say my name. Joe Liz. This has never happened at Wendy's. No, because they're going to- They could firebomb my house. I live down the street, for God's sake. I mean, I got to give them something. Order number. Oh. No, that'll give them my address. You got to make up a name. Say Marty McFly fucking 69 Blowjob Way. 160 what? Broadway. Broadway. 160 Broadway, McDonald's. Old Broadway. We got to give them the- I'll be kind. I won't yell. Give them the date at least. Yeah. Let's say, hey, what's going on here? Hey, we got two meatless burgers, you homos. We'd like a little beef. Double quarter pounder with cheese, two ketchup, no slivered onions, no pickled, no- Slivered onions. Oh, boy. Wait a minute. Oh, here we go. What'd you click? Oh, no. I knew it. I knew it. Oh, you got the vegan option. Oh, no. You picked vegan? No quarter pound beef. Oh, I knew it. Oh, you fucked up. How did I do that? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. $1.89. Oh, man. You saved nine cents. Your thumb is going crazy. No, $1.89. Oh, $1.89. Fuck. Oh, wow. It's your thumb. You're taking off everything else. All right. Well, I got fat thumbs. Delete this, because we can't have Uber Eats see it, because you've already filed two complaints. Hold on. I got to- This is legal. They're going to get you dead to rights. This is bad. This is libel. This is bad. How did you clip that? I'm glad I didn't shit on their fucking parking lot or whatever. They're doing great, actually. They're doing really good. They're doing good work. Oh, fuck me hard. Wait, let me see the other one. No wonder you're not getting your money. This is why they make it so hard to complain. But why do they give that as an option? Because they got the vegan queefs. So people want to order a double quarter pounder, the no pounder? They want the feel of McDonald's, the taste of the bun, the smell, the fries. Well, I got to get this off my thing, because if I go to reorder, it's going to send me buns again. I can't hang out with a meatless queef. This is terrible. Wait, this is ruining your whole rep. Oh, I'm a fucking idiot. Daddy-O. I thought maybe they were out of meat, and they were like, just send it off. They won't notice. No, no. Now, how do I delete this off of my past orders? I would restart the whole thing. Yeah, order one right now here with the right way, and then you can reorder that. It's your last order. Well, you don't have to order it here. Hey, that's not bad. That's not bad. All right. You better view order. How the fuck did I do that? I would copy. Oh, yeah, there it is. No meat. Oh, shit on my tits. Wow, that was embarrassing. They nailed it. Total assault. 664. Oh, that's after the thing. I hope you didn't yell at Kumar. No, no yell. I just was mystified. Man. Well, what an asshole. I'll send you a screenshot of that. I guess I got fat, retarded thumbs. I guess so. Yeah, you kept X-ing stuff, and you must have hit meat. Oh. Oof. Well, we got to the bottom of this one. At least we got to the bottom of it. It's not a mystery. We're still a country. I'm so nervous because I'm going to delete fucking, I'm going to reorder. I'll forget about this. Then I'll hit reorder and go, woo, here it comes. No, you'll never forget. It's too ashamed. Yeah, maybe you're right. You'll remember. All right, it's not Trump's fault. He's doing great. I think he's fantastic. Oh, well, you know, Tehran is flame broiled. All right. Wow, that's crazy. I fucked the pooch on that one. Well, I'll tell you a story where I fucked up, if you're ready. I'm ready. Not as bad as that, but. Oy. Hey, hey, folks. Tuesday's story is brought to you by Huel. Stop skipping meals and get yourself some food. Huel is a complete meal with all the nutrition you need in one ready-to-drink bottle. With 35 grams of protein, 6 grams of fiber, and 27 essential vitamins and nutrients. 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It's now available across the U.S.A., including California and Texas. Download Kalshi and use code TUESDAY to get $10 when you trade $10. You can trade on anything on Kalshi, like who will be the next. James Bond, or what oil prices will be tomorrow, and every March Madness game. I put $10 on the Rotten Tomatoes score of the new Christopher Nolan movie. If it scores above 85%, I got a feeling it will, I'm cashing out. Download the Kalshi app and get $10 when you deposit with code TUESDAY. Here's how it works. Users must deposit $10, put $10 on a trade, then are rewarded $10. That's all you got to do. Put on $10 and you get $10. That's promo code TUESDAY when you sign up to get $10 when you trade $10. Kalshi, put your money where your prediction is. So I got busted. It's job lifting. Oh, jeez, I thought you were going to say May. It's about time, huh? Yeah, I got popped. It wasn't so bad. Well, I used the self-checkout over here at the Stop and Shop, and that's self-checkout. I mean, I get. I get too brazen. I'm just like, you know, just putting stuff over the thing when I cover the barcode with my hand. It looks real. Sure. Sometimes I'll even go, boop, like I make the noise myself. Right. And so we made jambalaya. May makes a great jamby, and you got to get sausage, shrimp, you know, big tomato cans. It's a lot of ingredients, and it adds up. She's got big cans, all right. Big cans. Cans. And so you get these bags of shrimp, frozen shrimp, and they're not cheap. They're like 21 bucks a pop. Damn. So, you know, can't get trip cheap in this country, so I'm swiping the bags over. I go boop on one, and then I just pop the other one in, the bag. Sure. And, you know, you get a free shrimp bag. And the machine goes nuts like a fucking pinball machine. It's going doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, beep-beep-beep. Help is on the way. Help is on the way. Help is on the way. Oh, God. They show you on the screen, apparently there's a camera above you. I didn't know that. The screen's right there. They let you know, don't they? Well, I didn't know they could see me the whole time. It's like a red light camera. They're just there. I didn't know. Wow. There's a million shots of me going. And I get a thing in the mail like, hey, you ran this light. And I'm like, ah, shit. So the lady comes over, and she goes, oh, what happened here? And I was like, I don't know. I was trying to swipe some bananas, and I guess I couldn't find the barcode. She goes, bananas? You got no bananas. And I was like, I mean, the shrimp. No meat. Uber Eats. Ah, I panicked. And she was like, oh, you didn't swipe a bag of shrimp. What's that about? And I was like, oh, I guess I swiped one, and I just played dumb. And she was like, huh. All right, well, I'm going to swipe the rest of your groceries. And I go, oh, have at it, lovely lady. And she swiped it all, and she goes, that's the total. Don't do it again. Wow. And I was like, OK, thank you. And I left. See, this is the problem with all this self-sufficiency. Self-serve stuff. Because I have it at the airport, at Hudson Yards, or Hudson fucking River, whatever the fuck it's called, Hudson News. It all ends up being with the register lady. I know. As soon as you scan white, it goes, oh, wait for assistance. So true. And then you go, well, just give me the lady to start. Right, right. It's actually the opposite of a dildo. Hear me out. I feel like with my lady, I'm helping. And then she goes, just let me do it. And then she hits the dildo. She's self-checkout. Right. It's a bad analogy. But with a dildo, with a vibrator, it is self-checkout. But when I try to do it for her, when I try to check her out, she's like, I'll just do it. All right. Bad analogy. Yeah, no, no. It's the opposite of a vibrator. Yeah. I think it was just a lot. I felt like the McDonald's employee. I'm like, he wants what now? I'm Kumar. Who's doing what? Yeah. I don't know. But yeah, yeah. So I got popped. She knew it. I knew it. And she just, I think she sees that 900 times a day. And she was like, kind of just gave me like a get out of here. Right. No, I've had that at the airport, too, because you get cereal and it's like 14 bucks for the little fucking cylinder of Frosted Flakes. And you do the same thing. You go, boop. And you're like, oh, I don't know if this. Yeah. But you think like, oh, maybe I'll grab an extra one. But then I'm just too paranoid about getting caught. And I feel like an asshole. Right. And even though the thing on the side, it weighs your shit. So when you put the milk through and then you put it down, it knows the milk is over here. Well, this is where AI is going to get. It's going to be impossible to do any kind of crime because it's watching us all. Not looking forward to it. Yeah. I like crime. Well, you got the right neighborhood. You got enough money to buy a bag of shrimp, probably. I paid for the bag of shrimp. But yeah, the amount I've stolen, though, from the grocery store is still up. It's like a casino. It's like parking tickets. You think about all the times you got away with parking. Every once in a while, they get you and you go, OK, but I parked for free 300 other times. Exactly. Something like that. So, yeah, I'll never do that again. But I don't know about that. That's true. But it's all self-checkout now. You go to the grocery. Have you noticed every aisle is like close, close, close, close. And then it's all self-checkout is open. Yes. So what are we doing here? And there's just one person running from register to register. Yeah. Just boop, boop. And then they hit their card in there. Here's your card. Here's the card. Here's the card. Then you leave. Here's your pizza pre-brains. Yeah. You pick a card. You pick a card. So, yeah, not good. But I got away with it still. That's good. I didn't get arrested. I think it just happens so often over there. It's like they're asking you to steal. Oh, I'm sure it happens constantly. Constantly. I think the airport even or some stores actually factor in theft as part of their business. Yeah. Loss prevention. They try to prevent loss. But it's written into the thing. Yeah. Of course. People are going to steal and get away with it. You can't see people all the time. I mean, the difference is most of the people stealing probably don't have enough money to pay for groceries. I see. They're not doing it for fun. Sure. But, yeah, it is fun to get away with something. It feels exciting. You get that little feeling that you have to shit when you're walking away. You're like, oh, my God, I got to shit. What is it about that? You're about to get laid. Yeah. You steal something. You're waiting in line for a roller coaster. Your body's like, shit everything out. Even like a late night set. I'm like, oh, I got to take a dump. Maybe it's a fight thing. You want to be fresh. You want to be fresh and emptied so you can fist fight an enemy. I think so. And that's what you want in your sex life, your married sex life. You're like, we got to come up with something that makes me have to shit. Ooh, well, not good for the gays. Let's go. You're in the back door, and now you got to shit. You're getting a real poop dick. Can I use that? Take it. Because it's like, it is. You're like, what if you put on the heels from the Today Show and shove it in my ass? And if she's like, yeah, right before I did it, I'd be like, ooh, I got nervous shit energy. Yeah, now you turned on. Which means we're getting somewhere. Exactly. Yes. I'm like, put on a Rupert mask so I can get hard. Oh, yeah. It's a big mask. Yeah, so what else you got? I got to put an end to this long saga. Uh-oh, vinegar. Saga Genesis. Uh-huh. No, but my car. Oh, yeah, with the dad. With the check engine. It's been up in Massachusetts. This whole time? It's been there for three months. I haven't had my car since January. Wow. Well, I told you. Because my parents won't drive down here. They're afraid to drive in the city. Sure. Because, I don't know. I think we know why. So, finally, I'm like, I'm in Poughkeepsie this weekend. I had a gig in somewhere. I had to rent a car. I'm like, renting cars left and right. Not to mention, because of this shit fucking horrible city, my parking garage is $9,785 a minute. You got that right. And I haven't had a car in there for three months. I'm just paying for a parking spot. Oh, the raping. $1,200 to have a parking spot with no car in it. God damn. You need some meat. It's fucking ridiculous. Yeah. Meet and greet. So, finally, I go, hey, I'm in Poughkeepsie. I'm not renting a car again. I'm not taking the bus. What am I, an asshole? So, I go, we got to meet. And they go, okay, what if we take the train halfway? They're going to drive the car halfway. I'll take the train. Okay. Then we switch a room. They get on the train. I get the car. And they go back up? They go back up. Wow. So, we're going to see each other for an hour. So, I go, I'll bring the baby, because then it's a fun boys' day. A fun adventure. With you and dad and mom. Well, we're going to meet them, yeah. Okay, sorry. So, yeah, you in your same clothes, me in my different clothes. So, I go, all right, I'll drive. I'll take the train. I get the Amtrak from New York, Penn Station, Moynihan Hall to Old Saybrook. It's about halfway. It's where Catherine Hepburn lived. Ah, is that Connecticut? Beautiful town, yeah. Old Saybrook, Connecticut. And they have a pizza place in the train station. I love it. Pizza Works. Highly recommend it if you're ever there. Love it. Great pizza. They got model trains. Oh, the kid heaven. Pizza, beer, bar, the whole thing. And it's right there. It's in the station. Yeah. It's a great spot. I've been going there for years. So, I go, okay, great. So, I get the baby. We jump in a Lyft. He's so excited. He's talking about this. It's one of those things where you're like, on Tuesday, I'm like, Sunday, we're going to get on the Amtrak. And he's like, that Amtrak, holy shit. He goes, that's the Amtrak. Oh, I love this. So, I go, we're going to take the train. So, then every day, he's like, we're taking the train. Today's the day. We're taking the subway. You know, you pack his little backpack. I pack my little gay backpack. It's a beautiful thing. So, we hop in a Lyft, because I'm like, it's Sunday service, the subway, and it's fucking 12 degrees outside. We take a Lyft. It's exciting. He's in the car. Every car. Look at this car. Look at that truck. This is crazy. This is a cool car. It's like a Honda Civic. He's like, this is an amazing car. It's so positive. He's like, look at that guy's hat. It's crazy. I'm like, that's a towel, whatever it is. It's like hanging out with an Amish guy. He's just like, look at the lights. Look at the screen. Look at the buttons. So, he's very excited, and everything's exciting. We get dropped off at Penn Station, and he's like, look, I'm shown a Madison Square Garden. I'm like, that's when the basketball happens. He's like, let's go watch basketball. I'm like, not right now. It's 10 a.m. Yeah. So, we get in. We take the Amtrak. Now, I didn't know this. So, you know, boarding an Amtrak, for the people that don't take trains in fucking New York City, it's horrible. It's horrible. There's a new train station, Moynihan Hall, which is beautiful. Very lovely. Nice improvement. But this is what happens. There's a big board, and it says, New Haven, Washington, New York, dildo, suck my dick, blow me, Rupert, fat. And it just goes, you sit there. You don't know what train you're on. You know what train you're on, but you don't know where to get it. And it just goes, there's 500 people. They go, now boarding at track 11, Boston. And everyone goes, ah! Fucking throws their shit. It goes running down. Crazy system. It's insane. So, but then somehow, people like. I don't know if they're on Reddit, or if they have a sixth sense. Ah, people know. They start figuring it out. So you're like, on the lookout, I have a two-year-old that just wants to run and touch everything. So I'm holding him. I got a backpack. I'm like, I gotta figure this out. Because I got a baby. I need to have him next to me. Of course. It's two seats. So I find a group lined up, and I go, are you guys Boston? They go, yeah, yeah, we're Boston. You look for like, Red Sox hats and shit, and just, you know, blonde eyelashes. Right, right, alcoholic. So I find the line. And I figured out this is Boston, so I'm like, okay, let me go to the back of the line. Now, I have a two-year-old in my hand. You want to go, hey, can we just jump in here? Of course, like a flight. I'm holding a 35-pound baby, and I got to make sure we have two seats. So you go, I'll find the back of the line. But now everyone's realizing this is the line. So the line is getting longer as I move towards the back of the line. And it's like a couple hundred people. So you're like, boy, this is going to suck. Because everyone just starts grabbing single seats. And they put their bag down. It's a mess. So you're like, all right, all right. My child's watching. I got to play by the rules. OK. So I get to the very back of the line. And there's literally 200 people. And I'm like, OK, well, this is going to take a long time to board. I'm going to be holding him for a while. And then I got to figure out how to get two seats together. All because your fucking parents won't come into the city. You got that straight. Not to mention, this is not cheap. Two tickets on Amtrak. It was like $270. Dang. One way. Well, you got to pay for the kid? Yeah, he's over two. Two to 12 or something is a different whatever. Good to know. And then my mother's like, you can pretend he's under two. I'm like, it'd be a fucking gigantic kid to save money. But, you know, different strokes for different folks. I would do it. So I go, all right, here we go. This is going to suck. But the line starts moving. You try to be patient so your son will be patient and cool and relaxed. Amtrak guy comes over. Big black guy with a yellow vest. You got a kid? That's your kid? Yes? Come with me. Oh, I love it. I should have had a kid 35 years ago. We walk right to the front of the line. Fucking Velcro. Velvet rope. Opens it and goes. Go ahead. We're the first ones on, baby. I'm talking. At the end of the nonsense, we got 600 people on the train. There's 600 people. Wow. I'm the first one on there, baby. Wow. Salute that guy. The baby. I say, thank you. And there's a bunch of other people with kids. And one of the kids was like 10. I'm like, I guess. So anyways, I go down there. We're the first ones on the train. I mean, there's people on the train because it came from D.C. But most of them get off in New York. We're the first ones. So I go down there. Wow. Walk right on. The car's got like three people sleeping on it. I jump in. I sit in one seat. I'm like, nah, that's not it. I go to this seat. I plop him in his seat. He's looking out the window. I put that seat back before the person behind me gets there. So that's just where the seat is. Train dreams. Move his seat back. Move my seat back. I feel like a million bucks. Train takes off. He's screaming. He goes, we're moving. There's another train. Look at this person. We're going to see grandma. He's going choo-choo. The whole thing. Geez, I'm getting misty. They come in to take the ticket. He goes, I love you, daddy. I love taking the train. We're high-fiving. He's shitting his pants. He's farting. I'm crying. We're screaming. Lady comes up to take the ticket. Big old black lady goes, just so y'all know, this is the quiet car. I look up. The quiet car signs it. I didn't see it. With all the excitement, I just jumped on the first train. You got the wrong car. I'm all pumped. Now, 558 people have gotten on. That math's not right. 598 people have gotten on. Every seat's taken. We're just asking. I have two assholes. I have a two-and-a-half-year-old in the quiet car. You got to chloroform that kid. He's the loudest kid on earth. Everybody's in suits and sleeping and napping with eye masks on. I'm like this. I'm looking around. Everyone's just staring at me. It's like that scene in Schindler's List. Saving Private Ryan or something after they die. Whatever. When everyone's mad at you. I see. You're like, guys, come on. He's a kid. I didn't know. I didn't see the sign. I didn't know it was a quiet car. I got no meat on a burger. So, once in a lifetime opportunity, it's a sold-out Sunday pack train. I am literally the first one on, choice of any seat, and I picked the quiet car. That is bananas. It's worse than the burger meat. I'm a big fuck-up. Yeah, well, with the kid around, you got no eyes. You just focused on him, so you're not going to see that little placard on the ceiling. It should be a different color. It should be, you know, big blinky signs. There should be a horn going off in the quiet car. Ironically. So, I go, fuck, all right, well, hopefully. So, what do you do? One of these? Hey, shut up, kid. Well, I try to kind of whisper. And he's quiet because he's mesmerized. Okay. And he's not a, he's like, very rarely causes any, he's very sweet and quiet. So, it was mostly okay. And then when he would start kind of getting too chatty, he would just go to the cafe car. But the other thing is, people go to the cafe car to start. They just go there. That's true. Which it should be like Starbucks. You have to order your drink, get your drink, and then go. Like, we should have to all be moving before you go to the cafe car. Right, right. People go straight there. Then I'll wrap up with this. The lady, the conductor comes by, and I told her, I was like, I didn't realize now everything's packed. And she's like, it's okay. She was very cool. She's like, yeah, get it. It's great. She goes, but there's room on the food, the cafe car. And I went, well, we went by there. There's no room. And she goes, no, no, I made a space. Come here. Oh. So, I walk back in there, and it's all full. So, I'm like, huh, maybe someone must have taken it. And she goes, sir, right here. And it's a booth, and there's a cafe car. And there's a guy on one side. She's giving us one half of a booth. And there's a guy with a Celtics hoodie and a laptop like this with AirPods. He's working. So, she's like, yeah, this seat. And the table's this wide. So, I'm like, oh, okay. So, he's right here working. And I'm like, all right, sonny boy. And he's like, oh, my God, a train. This is great. He's taking his own shit and smearing it on the window. And I'm like, I'm sorry, sir. I don't know. So, I had to share a booth with the guy. But it ended up all's well that ends well. It was fantastic. Got the car. And then it was great, because then we get to drive home. And, you know, it's father-son drive home. We had the train. We're chatting, listening to music. It was the best day of my whole life. Literally. That's great. Wow, man. What a son. What a dad. I love being a dad. It's a very fun time. I can't wait to hug my little fucker. But anyways, we got to wrap this up. This is fun. We started off weird. It got fun. I'm an asshole. I liked it. I liked it. By the way, we should have a quiet car implemented in more parts of life. It shouldn't just be on a train. You know, give me the movie. Give me the movies, a restaurant. Keep it going. Yeah, that's a good point. Quiet bar, quiet everything. Well, you got quiet mode on Uber now or whatever. I like that. I like that. That's pretty good. Keep it coming. Quiet elevator, everything. Yeah. It should be an option. Absolutely. Okay, just a thought. But yeah, well, where are you going to be there, Dickless? I don't even know. Ohio, big Ohio run. I'm going to Warren, which is like Youngstown, I think. Then Toledo. Then Columbus. Nice little run. Sarah's coming along. And the baby. Fun. Where else? Miami Improv. Fort Lauderdale Improv. That might have already happened. That's March 25th through the 28th, I think. Yeah, when's this popping up? 26th through the 28th. March 30th. Okay, well, that already happened. Thanks for coming out. That was fun. Hell yeah. Providence, Rhode Island, April 16th, 17th, 18th, 17th is Sarah's birthday. She'll be there. Come on out. Say hello. Give her a kiss on the lips or something. May 7th, Hollywood Improv. Doing our own headlining show. May 5th, of course. We're doing Tuesdays with Stories. That's going to suck. May 7th, I'm doing stand-up comedy. And then, of course, the big international trip. Glasgow, Dublin, London, Bristol, Belfast. Here, here. Please, come on out to those, fellas and ladies. I love it. Well, UK, that's exciting. UK, I'm going to be at the Vets Theater coming up in Rhode Island as well. We're doing Chattanooga at the Walker Theater, Spokane. It's Lexington, Kentucky, Fort Lauderdale, and that's about it for now. But watch the special, please, for the love of anal. And it's called None Too Pleased on Netflix. Get on the Patreon. We're about to do a bonus right now. And we brought back Musqueef. That's true. And it's fun. We've been watching old late night sets, and it's a fucking, it's wild. It's a blast from the past. What do you got there? Here's Chuck. Thank you. Check out my podcast, Funbearable. But more importantly, we're doing a big film project. Very, very fun. This is like a big, serious project. Oh, serious. We need backers for it. So if you're interested in backing a very fun project, and if you want to find out what it is, I'm not going to say it in public, message me at at Discount Chuck on Twitter or Instagram. You got parts for us or what? I actually. Oh, boy, here it comes. I'd like to get out of it. Well, you know, I don't want to say it. I could sell some tickets. I put asses in seats. You ask. You ask the Warren, Ohio, funny farm. I've sold 40 tickets. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Thanks a lot. You're welcome. We'll see you on the Patreon. We'll see you in hell. Are you in this fucking thing? No. I'm busy. Interesting. I don't believe you. I'm good. I don't even know what it is. It's got a cake. I don't know. It's something big. All right. Tell him, Steve Guttenberg, I can't keep up. But thank you, folks. Praise Allah.