#648 So Fresh and So Spleen

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hitter in the face of the surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah this Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy oh hey here we are we're starting oh my god I wasn't ready the snowing outside it's 4 p.m. I don't know what's happening yeah it's no good I'm out Jerry I'm in Texas I'm already got I'm gonna live in Austin isn't it crazy what happened with like you say Austin now people think right wing great I know for the 50 years previous you thought hippie deer keep Austin weird it was like the the hippie liberal center of Texas exactly Daisy confused link ladder it was it was a college town yeah Ethan Hawk my sister's ass Willie Nelson weed Uncle Sizzler yeah really stuff and now it's like I might go to Austin what are you crazy I know I know I'm like it's still the same hippie town I know it's gonna Creek in a lake in a taco in a case so Creek in the cave there's like you know like three guys move there who right wing right and everyone else is still hippie-dippy weatherman we do that with everything to be fair it's like you're working out now when he helped right I might say retard people think I'm all right I'm like retard well we're gonna lose this episode but you know whatever but how did that but that's what I grew up I was seven saying retard I wasn't all right when I was seven but everything to shifts we keep shifting everything box what boxes it in big shift late shift yes it's fucking snowing outside tectonic shift how about this can I I'll text you the photo you plug it in you probably won't but that's all right look look at this this is big I've never been here at four o'clock oh yeah that Atlantic terminals it's great it's a grand social station of Brooklyn all the high schools were getting out I stood in line like that like like the Richard Breyer joke it was like one step at a time the guys clipping my heels I get outside it's winter yeah who needs this I know it took me an hour from midtown the train kept stopping it doesn't think where the train you don't notice it but it's humming it's going and then it goes like this because the power they shut the power yeah yeah there's congestion so they just go boot and then you're all said you're on a silent train you're like are we fucking about to die I know it's like an electric car just goes to nothing and then it was 75 two days ago now it's snowing in his kids outside I was in a pair of panties and a tube top fucking 12 hours ago I walk I said I literally took me 10 minutes to get the steps yep I'm doing one step at a time the guy behind me is clipping my heels I got someone stinky ass in my face I get outside it's just blustery snow it's cuckoo bananas this town has gone haywire this town needs an animal I'm gonna get a fucking bell buckle the size of Rupert's tits cheese two buckles and a pat buckles and a fucking 10 gallon hat and lock stock and two smoking barrels I'm going to ask whoo what are you all right come on Jason all right I'm going next week I'll be there after I mean we could save money I know you know it's down there you're not gonna want to hear this oh one harry she fear I saw that I saw that he's on the steps totally barefoot like he's fucking Jimmy Buffett or Rick Rubin all I do is shit on our of course I love our great comic Rubin's got to be a Jew right other name is Jew and then the sandwich is very Jewey well he's from Brooklyn there is he Brooklyn or Queens is he a Jew although he comes off so goy with that beard and the bullshit I suppose so I love Rubin you give me a Rubin I'm listening he's good yeah well you guys we've talked about it before that we had the whole band to make Salah Q's was like he's never played an instrument but he played guitar in a band he's like you can't find a photo with him playing an instrument it plays an instrument that's true but I don't know he hooks up with these already insanely talented people he's like we're gonna make a record I'm like make a record with Chuck then then I will see how good you are well he Johnny cash and had a hit record in 50 years blew him back up chili peppers all their big records are with Rubin I don't ever heard of the Beastie boys before Rubin that's historic that was historic Rick Pupin that was big wow at all the 12 years of this show that's a first that was pretty good double barrel action in the bullpen yeah that was a that was a two shooter I think I should buy pants seriously really yeah I think this might be a little bit of a stick in there like it's a little gooey yeah it smelled gooey like I sat in gum that was a whopper I got this see what you ready for this nugget I can't wait for a nugget I love a nugget tell me what you think about this and put it right my dick hole so I got the special out this is out right yeah 17 17 hundred St. Patties again St. Patties fuck me I shot my old special on St. Patties weekend in Chicago rule the whole thing drunks fist fights in the crowd puking girls getting hit yeah crazy that was just my closer but this time they're releasing it on St. Patties which I assume everybody's going to be out in the streets fornicating and drinking beer no everybody watches all the time you got to release a clip at 3 at what point in the day are you not looking at your phone you don't see someone else looking at their phones staring their team everyone's looking at the shit all the time all right okay work they watch St. Patrick's day maybe some young queefs will be drunk and they'll watch it the next day sure they'll say don't worry about that I was gonna see if they're all gonna watch it I'm pretty huge thank you all right well yeah but you know you get your head you go I haven't sold a ticket it's because the the strawberry festivals in town exactly or the ice campaigns are a mile away or whatever but it is weird that St. Patrick's Day is so fixed into your special business yeah and I'm not a Mick I'm not a patio blue eyed ginger patio furniture's on sale so uh so it's coming out so Hulu sent me about a week ago or two weeks ago they said send us a couple jokes you like we'll chop them up and use that as promo on social media chop them up and feed them to the poor yet to face lace Irish Kurt turn fuck yeah all right so uh so I go oh no problem I like this joke I like this joke I like this joke and they said great they come back in a week they go we got to do a conference call and I go that's not good I hate a conference call there's 18 Jews on there with a speaker phone and my Jews and they go well yeah we got some bad news there we reviewed the the special again we'd like to take out the Muslim joke I got a big joke about Muslims and I go oh why and they go well last time a comic did a Muslim joke we got bomb threats we got death threats they uh they said they were going to kill us they ruined the whole studio blow the place up to smithereens so he'd like to not use the Muslim joke smithereens and I go whoa I like the joke it kills it's a hot joke and you know no one touches muz I like the idea of like Islamic extremists using smithereens right blow you up to smithereens hey you never know it's a common term smithereens is funny they you know Charlie head bow got smithereen I'd love to know the origin of smithereens we don't need to do it later on but that's funny the idea of smithereens being in the letters very good that kind of be a bug's bunny line or something get smithereens on the back burner that's good stuff all right so they got to blow it up to smithereens so I'm on the call like oh I thought this is going to be like we're cutting your money we're taking a special day we don't like you don't stop stop writing his letters but they're like we want to take out the Muslim joke and they're very special not just the clip well that's what I thought so I was like I've got a fight for the joke here folks you you approved it now you're going back and they're like well okay we'll keep it in the hour but we got to get it off socials and I said why what's the difference and they go well socials is where all the shit starts right you go put shit on the internet that's where the fire fucking yeah the pile on the retweets the sharing you can't comment on a TV screen you know right so they're like we we got to take it off so that's a that's a no-brainer and I was like okay okay I don't love it but okay I will take it off on one condition and they said all right what do you want to hear what do you want I go I want you to admit on this call that they're a dangerous people oh geez and they were like what no what are you crazy and I'm like you got admitted or I'm keeping it or I'm posting it well I mean I'm half joking but they're like you can hear like a more in the back like a horse was walking through and I was like that's all I need and they go well we're not going to do that and I'm like why offensive. And I go, that's what the call is. You're calling about this. And I just need you to say it out loud. You know me, I need acknowledgment, Jerry. I like acknowledgment. Everyone wants acknowledgment. But it's kind of a microcosm of the whole thing of like you can, you can say, Hey, I love this group. But then you don't live near them. You know, we're all talk. We're all signaling. We're all virtuous. But you don't actually act that way. Right. And I think this is a perfect example of that. Hey, we're scared. Hey, we don't get headboard. We're nervous. Okay, well, why are you nervous? Wow. Wow. You come on. Shut up. Right. Yeah. That's what I was getting at. So they admitted it. Hey, speaking of bombing. This is the end of the clip. Um, yeah. No, it's, uh, I get it. I mean, it's nice to be like, you got to, you got to say the thing. It's like, uh, it's like a few good men. You got to ask me nicely. Yes. Yes. That impression. That was really good. Hey, good. Nicholson. Wow. You sleep on the blanket of freedom. I think I lost it. Yeah. Which I provided. Just fine. But WWF, you make me want to be a better man. See, I'm going more into Slater. Yeah. AC Slater. Um, but yeah. So I got to be able to say that on the on the bike. Oh, that's fun. I got Muslim friend. Umars, a big muzz. You know, I don't give a shit. But it was fun to get a group of HR homos to go, all right. They're dangerous. We'll see you later. Well, zippity dude, huh? Yeah. Bye. Bye. That was a lot of fun. So a big, big phone call. Big. Wow. That's crazy. It's crazy. When you get into that world, because there's people with, sit, there's men with jobs. Just on the phone. And they were getting paid to have that phone call with my dumbass. Yeah. That's fascinating. They're in a conference room with water and fruit. And, uh, and they got to go, hello, Mr. Norman. How you doing? How's the baby? Good, good, good. So Muslims, that, that was the call. Well, that's a weird thing about that world, because YouTube, there, there's nobody. There's not even anybody kind of in charge. You're just like, uh, upload exactly. And then you're like, here we go. I hope that works out. Well, YouTube is more like the Wizard of Oz because you don't know who isn't says a guy behind a curtain. You say cunt in 48 minutes in. And they go, boop, take it out, fuck it. Put, put, put them on the suppressed list. Yeah. It was about 18 minutes in. But yeah, it was fucking horrible. It ruined the whole thing. But at least Hulu have the DC to call you. Go, we're nervous about this where we want to talk about this. Well, that was the thing about the YouTube. I talked to several people that were like, it was a okay. And then even went through the, whatever you call it. Algo. Yeah. Went through the system dishwasher. Oh, the system. What are you going to do? Yeah. I think they got robots back. They're like, Sam got dinged for a Nazi joke. And he's a big heap, but they're like, whoa, he said Nazi. And he's like, I'm shitting on him. Right. But they just heard Nazi. So they pulled him. Yeah. It's all the buzz and the booze and the bees. How about the shadow band people? Yeah. You ever meet these people? They go, uh, must be shadow band. I got 18 views. I'm like, well, you could suck. Well, we're back on Ari again. Ari was the first person ever talking about the shadow. But maybe that was more real back then. I don't know. It was similar to when guys would go, uh, my car was parked here. I guess I'm getting punked. And I'm like, we live in Baton Rouge. You're not a celebrity. I was punking you, Jeff. He just, he just, he parked illegally. I called the cops one time because I thought my car was stolen. I told you this story before. Okay. With Ira proctor way back in the day. This is years ago, we got fucking shit host. Yeah, you do. And the comedy lounge kept called comedy lounge. And then we come back the next morning. I come out to get my car. And I'm like, well, the car's gone. Fuck me. I'm stolen. Call the police. Police come. We're filing a report. And we're just chatting with them. It's a middle morning. He's like, yeah, you know, it happens every once in a while. Not a lot down here. But you know, and that as I'm looking, I see my car sideways on the other side of the parking lot. I forgot. We went to get beer. Ah, like I totally had browned out or blacked out that we went out a second time. Right. And I was like, you know what? There's my car. It's one of those things. It's so obvious. Oh, what happened? You're like, ah, shit. You know what? My car's over there. And he's like, all right. Yeah. Sorry. So just go ahead and cancel that. And they're like, okay, a couple things about the cops. Whenever I've had a situation like that where you call the cops and it's nothing, they don't charge it. Doesn't it seem like there's going to be a bill or a fee? No, don't say that out loud. That's coming next. Oh, God. Don't get that. Don't give me any ideas. This, this city, this state. Yeah. Also, I always thought two things. One, because people hate cops so much and cops have their problems. I think we need them. They're good. But they have, you know, they got their flaws. Sure. You think they'll ever be an uber of cops? Or is that to liability? Well, I think that was a big thing that happened in the wake of post BLM when all the cops retire. Those mass retirements and mass whatever. All the wealthy people just got private security and the private security was X cops. You're right. All the cops were like, we're out. Yeah. You don't appreciate us. I'm taking my, whatever they call that when you retire, thing, early pension. Pension. I'm getting my pension. I'll go into the private sector and then all the people that were like, we got to get rid of the cops. We're like, oh shit, there's no cops. Right. Can I hire you old copy stew? Wow. It's kind of like going from porn only fans. Well, you get to be singular. Well, maybe that's not a great example. That's not bad. I guess maybe hookered only fans because hooker, you get abused. You get thrown around. No one cares about. You're in the field. You're in the field. People shit on you. But you're on only fans direct money and you don't get pipped. Slap around with a pimp. Yes, suppose so. But maybe, maybe they'll be some kind of uber, but I think there is the really rich people have private security. They drive around with people in their car. They got private security and private fire people in LA. Is that right? There's a certain sect is so rich. They have their own fire people. Wow. I might have made that up. Give that a go. You have just been the reins. Yeah. I mean, that sounds wild. But that's, I mean, that's the beautiful thing about, we talked about taxes last. That's last week. That's why you need the taxes so you can have a fire department in a police department that doesn't say, hey, yo, it's 500 bucks. Exactly. Yeah, that's nice. See, you're paying for it. You just don't see it. You don't have the ambulance. They 'll jack you up for that. You're going to build for that. That's true. That's true. That's why I never take it. I'll be bleeding with my leg. Crooked the other way. I'm like, I'll Uber. Well, that happens on Uber now because one time Luke, Mona, and I were in Portland and we were going to the alphabet district, his old neck of the way, great area. And the only like landmark you think of was the hospital. He's like, that's, so we put it in. And then we got in the Uber driver was like, Hey, is this an emergency because I cannot take you. This is an emergency. And we were like, what are you talking about? He's like, you put in the hospital. He's like, I'm not allowed to take anyone that has a medical emergency because they caught on to that because people, instead of taking an ambulance for five grand, we're taking an Uber for eight bucks. Well, that should be all right. It's the American. Well, Uber, I think is a private company, though. And they don't want to get some guy who got shot in the belly twice. And he takes an Uber and then the Uber driver takes a wrong turn. He dies. They go, we're suing Uber. So I think Uber is like, Hey, if you need a fucking ambulance, get the ambulance. We are not a medical fucking vehicle. If you got a guest or diarrhea or I do think, wow, that's not an emergency. I think if you're having a heart attack and you try to Uber. So you put, so here's the, here's the hack. Here's the secret. You got to put in whatever's next to the hospital. Arby's. So if you're having a fucking heart attack, you type in Arby's and they're like, the usual Bob, and then you get to Arby's and he just fucking go left. Take a left and you go to the hospital. Okay. Okay. This is a good hack. But I see you. I was wondering when you get a bullet shot, gunshot wound, they have to report it by law, the ambulance. So maybe if you're, you know, on the wrong side of the field and you get shot and you get an Uber to the hospital, you don't have to report the gunshot, although the prior report when they get in there. Yeah. Bless you bleeding everywhere and the thing. Yes. I knew a guy years ago, Derek, I didn't really know him. Derek, my best buddy, knew him. He went to King's Point. They were at a bar. He didn't realize that. So he got in an argument with a guy who was dancing with his girl classic fucking stuff. Yep. Yep. Yep. The big easy, which is no longer there. We called it the big sleazy. It was on the upper east side. And a guy was, hey, fuck you. We got in a fight, kind of wrestling match, whatever got thrown out. And he felt faint, hailed a cab. This back in the cab days was sitting on the sidewalk, gutting the cab. And he's like, passing out. The cab driver's like, you got to get out of my cab. You're passing out. You're a mess. And he goes, okay. And the cab driver's like, what the fuck? You're bleeding everywhere. Didn't realize he'd been stabbed in the spleen. He was so drunk and jacked up from the fight. The guy shanked him. Oh, end up having a spleen removed. Oh, no. But meanwhile, the guy was on the sidewalk, hailing a cab sitting in there. And he's just bleeding out in the cab. Wow. And when the cab driver's like kicking him out, he's like, fuck you, man. I gotta go somewhere. And the cab driver's like, you bleeding on my cab. You get the fuck out of here. Whoa. And then I forget the rest of the, if someone scooped him up, or if he walked the hot, whatever happened, he ended up going to the hospital, had no idea. He'd been stabbed. They had to take a spleen out because it was fucking all splooshed up. Now, this is 21 years ago. So I may have been missing some details. But that's the basic story. Is he okay? I don't know. I'll have to follow up on him. I mean, he survived. All right. All right. He might be dead now from some other causes. Sure. So fresh and so spleen spleen. But I think if they tell your car by law, they should have to leave a sticker. Give me a sticker, a flyer, something. Just put a knife in a tree with a paper on it. Right. Something because I've had my car towed and you're like, is it towed? Is it stolen? Is it towed? Is it stolen? I go into Orleans. My car got stolen every 10 minutes. How about this? They used to do, they still probably do, when they shoot productions here. in New York City. - They put that little placard. - They put signs everywhere saying, "You gotta move your car, we're shooting the movie here." But if you don't do it, they will tow your car, but they just put it in another parking space 'cause they don't impound it. - Right. - That happened to me one time. I couldn't find my car, went to the police station with Dan Hershaw, that's how long ago this was. And they go, he's been dead for eight years. - Splendid. - He stepped in the splendid, so we went to the hospital to the police station, and they were like, "Oh yeah, you parked it in a fucking movie zone." - Give me a sticker. It's parked now at Eighth Avenue, whatever the fuck. I had to go, so I still had my car. They just kind of like moved it over. - That's even more annoying. At least with the tow pound, you can go, "Hey, you got my car, you got an old center?" And they go, "Yeah, we got it." But with the movie zone, you don't know where it is. - The movie phone. I'll just tell me the name of the parking spot you'd like to be in. - Hey folks, this episode of Tuesday's with Stories is brought to you by the one and only blue two. You need a little help in the bedroom. Get a boost with blue chew, blue chew gold, it is. Blue chew gold is a four in one tablet for ED erectile dysfunction. It dissolves under your tongue. So you can be ready for action in as little as 15 minutes. It's actually fun. You feel like you're doing acid. You stick that thing under your tongue, and then, woo! Rock hard, purple cock, in no time, 15 minutes. I love this stuff. I take it every three days. I'm just, or every three minutes. Every, whenever I want. Why not? Get hard for fun. - Get crazy, get weird. You feel like a passionate lover. You feel like a stout, a stallion, a man. For the first time in your life, that's why I take it. I wouldn't be caught dead without it. I put it right in my carry on, I bring it off. It's time to check out blue chew gold. 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Create social and email campaigns on their built in marketing tool. Scroll up. It's time to turn those what ifs into chitching with Shopify today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com/tuesdays. Go to Shopify.com/tuesdays. That's Shopify.com/tuesdays. Chitchathing back to the show. I got a story about losing a car. Marty grow up, parked a car, got drunk for nine hours. Whatever went to bed, woke up, car was not there. So I had to call my parents, it was their car. I had to go, I think the car was stolen and they go, where'd you park it? I go, I don't know, it was over here. I swear to God, it was over here. And my dad was like, huh, he smelled a fish. And he was like, something's up. And I was like, I'm pretty sure I parked right here. He was like, you're pretty sure? It's like pretty sure. And he's like, all right, I guess we'll call the police. But let me drive around a little bit. We drove around the block, then we kind of circled out and we found the car and he goes, were you drunk? And I went, no. And he went, you were! And I go, what I was! And he goes, you never drive it again or something. I got in trouble. But now you have two cars. Someone has to drive the car. That's what's funny about it. You're like, well, there's the car. Oh, my mom was with us. Oh, all right. Just say it's funny to be like, you never drive it again. After this. Right. Right, yeah. Well, I had the one, I think I've probably told this story at some point. But in the old, when I first started doing comedy, I would go to the comedy connection. Every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Fanny Hall. And I had this secret spot that was great in the financial district. Because that area is tough sledding for parking. It's tough, but at night it wasn't so bad. So I had this secret little spot I would park in. And it was always open. And then every night, and this is a funny thing too, when you first get into comedy, you're so excited to be doing it in a round comics. You got that right, Fanny. I lived in my parent, and this will hit for the people that live in Massachusetts. I'll try and explain the best for those that don't. Now, I lived in Whitman at my parent's house, which is about 35 minutes, not rush hour, 45-50 during rush hour. But probably about 38 minutes would take me to get home. Okay. That's south. Now, Lamont Price. You know Lamont a little bit. Hey, big fat smell. He's, I mean, I wouldn't say that. But that was a joke that he stunk. Well, he's a big guy, big comic, great guy. One of the first comics I met was so good to me when I first started. Oh, I think I told this story before. The rose joke. No, no, no. I think I told this story once before when I first went to the comedy connection, I had to do these other open mics, you know, around town. And I was like, I'm going to the comedy connection Wednesday, I'm going to go watch the show and hang out. And I bought a ticket. Wow. So I went up and I'd been doing comedy for like two years. A year and a half. Went bought a ticket and I went to the box office and they came and sat me down. And this was one of the nicest things that anyone's ever done to me in comedy in my lifetime. Lamont Price comes into the crowd and goes, what are you doing? We're all back here. All the comics back here. And I go, wow, I don't know. I don't work here. He's like, get the fuck out of here. Takes me back there and he goes, hey, this is Joe Liz. He's a young guy. It introduces me to everybody on the thing. What a mench. And it was very mentioning. And then he took me in the kitchen. And I was like, we go through here. This is how you get there. And then of course I just became a drunk maniac. Sure, sure. But anyway, so I would drive him home every night. He lived in like, Revere or Saga's, which is like 20 minutes north. But I was a young whipper snapper. And I was just so excited to know a comedian. Yeah, and you got all the time in the world back then. So we were bouncing bits. So every night you get in the habit. I live 40 minutes south. He's 20 minutes north. So I would drive 20 minutes north then all the way an hour south. Every night. That's adorable. So that we leave one night. The car gets stolen. The 87 Buick century. I got to call my dad who's working in the morning. This guy puts on a shirt and tie and drives to work in the morning. Yeah, yeah. I call him up, hey, the car's stolen. Sorry. He drives all the way to the city. 35 minute ride, like 11, 39, 12, 30 in the morning, whatever. Comes gets me. We have to go to the police department. File a police report. What time is it? I don't know, midnight, 11, 30, something like that. Oh, no. File the police report. But now this is a day of like no ubers and Boston's not a late city. And we had no money. So I was like, all right, well, Lamont is here. So we got a home and my dad, my poor dad, he's got to be up at 5 a.m. So I'm like, yeah, he's like, all right. He's got one eye open. He's got gizz in his mustache and a heart on. And he's like, where do you live? And he's like, revered. My dad, you can tell, he was like, are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, yeah, so we had to drive through the tunnel, pay a toll up and to find through the ghetto in this weird neighborhood through East Boston. Oh, that must have been a tense, tense ride. Yeah, well, they're all tense with my old man. And so we drew a turn around. We got an hour and 10 minute ride back. I'm like, what was about eight words spoken? Probably. And two of them were the end word. And I was like, I was just like, looking back, you're like, oh my god, that was horrible. And I just didn't have it in me to be like, hey, is there anyone you can call? 'Cause this is my father doesn't want to drive you home. My father's gay. And that was also awkward because after a few years, you start to the excitement of comedy and you rubs off and you have to want you to be like, hey, I'm not gonna, I can't drive you home anymore. That's crazy. That's true. Good for you. And I remember Tom Dustin, he lived in Everett, which was one town away. He wouldn't drive him home. And they lived like eight minutes apart. He's like, nah, I don't drive out of my way. I got fucking, it's gas money. Whatever. Not to mention he was, you know, rip shit blackout. Yeah. So anyways, that was that story I went out for the wheels. That was good stock. It's the whole thing. Yeah, my dad, I should get my dad a gift certificate to Chipotle or something. Yeah, hey, keep those coming. Man, revere. You were Paul revere to your dad, you were a traitor. Yeah, the blackskins are coming. Was that Paul revere? The red coats are coming, wasn't that him? Redskins, potato skins. No, it's the red coats. Red coats. Yeah, but then I made blackskins. But you guys didn't react. So I thought it was-- Redskins. Okay. It took me a second. Because red coat, black skin, it took me, I didn't get the skin. Oh, boy. Anyways. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So those were great rides though. I remember just bouncing a bit. When you're so young and new and you'd be like, it was just so fun to be like, how was that time? That was so funny. Dave Chipotle. Did you see that Chipotle special? And it was so great. And then it just wears off. Like now, I get off stage. I'm like, I'll see everybody later. I'm ordering the Uber as I'm leaving. I'm like, I gotta go to bed. Totally. After a while, you're like, why am I hanging out so much? I'm here to do a set. The set takes 12 minutes, 15 minutes. Why am I out here for nine hours? Right. I'm just here to do a set. Yes. Exactly. Well, that's the thing about the road that's nice. You have your buddy. Yes. And you're there for like five hours. Right. So you get hang time in then. You hope you have a nice MC and a waitress you can kind of sexually harass. That's kind of nice. Well, that's what's so weird about these people on the road who are like, oh, you're coming. You're finally coming to a tempi. I live in tempi. We went to high school together. We met one time in 1988. I think we bumped shoulders in the hallway. Come hang out. I live in tempi now. You're coming to tempi? And you're like, what? That sounds like a lot of work. We barely know each other. We're like acquaintances. I'm gonna be in your town. We went to one semester together of some bullshit. Now you wanna like have a barbecue. - Right. - That's insane. You're gonna kill my whole day. - All negative for me. There's no upside in that for me. I don't wanna talk to you. I don't wanna go to a barbecue. I don't wanna drive to the house, drive back. I gotta show to do all downside. - That's gonna be me when I live in Austin. You're gonna be like, I'm at the mothership. I'm like, all right, we're gonna go to every big game. We're gonna have barbecue. We're gonna have sauce. - But we know each other. I'm talking about some, yeah. - I have your third cousin on your dead's at side of fish bullshit. Get out of here. - No, I know. I get that. It's the same town that I get that. And it's the same person every year and you're like, I can't even believe this. - I know, I know. - But that's gonna be me. - No, but also the things to do this people to see. This, I'm talking when you go out to like flagstaff Arizona. - Right. - Hey, I'm here. - Well, that's the thing that it's hard to understand sometimes is that one of the great appeals of the road for us is that isolation. You get it all done. You're on your computer. You can edit or whatever the fuck you're doing. - Yes. - I agree. Yeah, my mom is famous for that. She'll be like, oh, you're 13th cousin on your side chicks side or whatever is gonna be at your show. You should have dinner after. I'm like, what a hole does she eat? That 88, you want me to have dinner with an 88 year old? Come on. - Give me an eight year old. - Now we're talking. - Epstein, eight, well, quarter pocket. - Now what were you, were you gonna, you had a walk? - I got a couple things, not a walker, but I got a fun story. But first I want to talk about this. Speaking of hanging out, green rooms and black people, they're all involved in this. - All right. - It's at the stand last night. - Ah. - And I'm down in the green room there. And it's pretty good hang. It's Riggins, Reggie, Onika, Derek, me, and Luis Lopez. Who's a sweet boy. - Oh, I love that guy. - He's the righty joke. So you're the diversity. - He's a good guy. I'm the diversity. Yeah, I'm the white. - DI. - Now, so early in the day, I had done hot yoga and much to my surprise, all of those guys also did. I'm kidding, of course. - Okay. - So I did yoga and they hot boxed. - The instructor, very sexy woman. - Sure. - Very, very hairy armpits. - Oh. - Now, you guys are groaning. Now, let me, this is what brought up the topic. And you know me, I'm the real point guard of podcasting. I'm the topic king. I know how to get it going. - Okay. - So I'm in the green room. Everyone's smoking weed. We're listening to Dr. Drave on a very loud volume. - Yes, yes. - It's smokier than my sister's eye shadow. And I go, let me ask you this, folks, what's more off-putting as a man? Arm pit hair or leg hair? - Ah, I know that one. - Where are you at? - Arm pit to me is worse. - Interesting. Now, I'm gonna interrupt you real quick. - Okay. - You are the first and only white guy to say this. - Why? - All the whites are in agreement with the armpit. - Arm pit better than leg hair. - Oh, I disagree. Tell me why. - I think the armpit hair is definitely more masculine and it comes at you like a surprise. Leg hair, I feel like, ah, she missed a day. And leg hair is stubbly where armpit hair is like. - No, no, no. - You're not king in a headlock. - No, because that's not what I'm talking. I'm talking full leg hair or full armpit hair. Cause the stubble could be stubble. I'm not talking, I'm talking it hasn't shaved their legs in six months. - Ah, okay. Well, let me see your leg. - Full leg hair. - Well, I have leg hair. - You have full leg hair, that's not bad. Leg, I can fuck you. - Well, but that's some of them are longer than that. - Yeah, but that see that is gross on a woman, but I could, I could get past it. Also, I'm in the armpit area sexually. I'm in the tits, I'm in the shoulder. - You're not the leg area. The legs are up over my head. I'm all over the legs. - I'm holding the leg. - Yeah, I'm holding the leg. - But if I'm missionary or if I'm doggy, I want to see the armpit. - But, you know, necessarily have to see the armpit. You could fuck with the t-shirt on. She could fuck with her elbows that are ribs. Oh, this is so good, you know, like this. - I like that, I like midget fuck thing. They T-Rex, I call it. - The legs are, cause I'm not talking stubble. I'm talking leg hair, like this. - Yes, leg hair. - Okay. - Yeah. - Like San Marille's eyebrow. - Yeah, just full leg hair, but it was interesting cause Reggie was with you. - All right. - He was armpit hair. - Solidarity. - And I think Derek was on, Luis was on that side too. Luis Lopez and Reggie were on that side. Me, Riggins and Derek, all were armpit hair over leg hair. And then just random white guys would come in and all the whites were armpit hair over leg hair. - You're a leg man. - Leg hair is gross. - I'm not into armpit hair. - Okay. - But there's something that's a little bit different maybe. It's like, ooh, it's a- - It's funky. - Yeah. - But I can avoid looking at that. The legs are such a sexy part. My hands are on my wrists are on my ribs. It's in between. - Yeah. - And then someone was like, just do doggy style. But I'm like, doggy style with hairy legs. It's just a dude. Cause you're not seeing the dance, you're not seeing the face. All you can see is the ass, the hairy legs. - That's a great, that dude's got a nice ass. - This is a fucking guy. - That's a great point, yeah. - So I just think leg hair, I don't know, armpit hair is whatever. - Yeah, yeah. - And it can be a statement too. You can still be a hot chick who's making a statement with her armpit hair. I feel like leg hair, Lucy Goosey is like, oh, she's homeless or she's living on a compound or a vegan or whatever. - Yeah. - But call in, comment. - Well. - Richock, you wanna add something here? - armpit is where sweat gathers. It's gonna smell worse than leg hair. - But I don't smell, do you smell? I don't smell, I don't smell you guys. - At the end of the day, you smell something. - Oh, we're, if we're in coitus, you might give it a whiff. - Yeah. - We don't smell it now, we're in a sweater. - I don't mind B.O, little B.O. It's kind of hot to me and I don't know. I mean, again, that's not my breakfast. I'm glad my wife shaves her armpit, but I just think a hair, like a full hairy leg and I don't mind a stubbley leg. - No, me neither. - My wife and I have sex and her legs are sandpaper than regular, but full leg hair, curly leg hair. - Now that's no good either, don't get your own. It's a common Trump, but they're both fucked up. But here's the problem. - Oh, what is way, way, way, way worse? - Armpit hair. - Yeah, we got a big fucking armpit hair right there in the office. - It's armpit hair, startin' worse. But I think when my go-to problem was, when my wife likes when I hold her armpit, oh, the sexual intercourse. So I just picture me floppin' those arms over just gettin', you know, with a full bozo head or caretops. - I just think, here's the, I guess, here's the point, I just came up with that I think is interesting. I find armpits more ignorable because I'm not into armpits, shaved or unshaved. - Oh, you're into legs? - I'm never staring at the armpit where sex, like I see a woman's leg, I'm into shorts and skirts and jeans and l- I'm a leg guy. I like a calf muscle, a quad, I'm into that. Armpit, I'm ignoring, either way. I've never seen a shaved armpit that I'm like, whoa, baby, hubba, hubba. - I agree, you're not staring at armpit, but they're there. They're there, when that hand goes up, you're gonna vomit. - I don't know if I'll vomit. I mean, this, the yoga lady I was, after a while, I was like, I can kinda get into this. - Well, that's the other thing is, armpit is a thing, it's a state. - Right. - And I think there could be a sexual aspect to the statement. But, I'm picturing, let's say you see a girl across the street who's in a miniskirt and you go, she's gonna have full-bushy legs, you probably can't see it. But if she did this to get a cab, you'd go, oh, look at the armpit hair. - That depends on the lady, depends on the hereditary. What's that, Ethnist, the Greek. - Yeah, Greek, Italian, you might see it. - Yeah, you, maybe. - Yeah. - But, I just think the armpit hair, it's more prominent. Leg hair is a little bit more hidden to me. - I don't know, I think the armpit hair is the most hidden thing. - It's under the armpits. - That's true, but you can't be more hidden than the armpit. - During sex, I feel like you'd see it. - Plus, my wife is always flickin' her B. So her arms closed down. - Ah, okay. - Sometimes she'll give me a, you know, black power fist bump or something like that. - Right, right. - She'll fist you. - But anyways, that became the topic. And it went for like two hours. It was fun 'cause everyone that came in, you got it going. - Great topic. - But going back to the hang thing, those are guys that, I never understood this with weed. And I did a bit about this. But like, if I smoked weed, you could pass it to me twice and then I'm gonna take my underwear off over my head and lay in the corner crying. These guys smoked weed, 100% of the time, for three straight hours. I'm like, how are you not? - That's true. - Totally retarded, like crazy. - I would imagine having Down syndrome. Like they're just smoking a joint, passing it, for hours. - And then they gotta go home, by the way. They gotta get on a subway, get on an Uber, get to their house in Brooklyn or whatever. - My weed smoking was four minutes long. I was like, okay, there you go, back to me. There you go, back to me. Okay, good night, Irene. I'm fucking, I know you're like, (laughing) - It's exactly the whole time. We're like, what are the- I do that was a huge mistake and like every step you go up as a as a journey now They're like fucking singing lyrics and having debates and naming movies I'm like I wouldn't be able to function or recognize a person great boy. It's kind of like madman You're like and they're like we're having a meeting come on in clink clink clink clink clink They're drinking cups of scotch at 11 a.m. Right, and then they go work. It's great I think what's a stove's Churchill was always drink the more it was like that Yeah, but the we think you're right. That is crazy. I eat a nibble of an edible to go to bed And if I if I don't fall asleep, I'm in bed like oh, no Childhood, what did I say? I'm an idiot. That was stupid. So yeah, I'm with you That is crazy to smoke weed for three hours and function. Yeah, they got to go on stage by the way and they kill Yeah, they really killed, but People aren't pit. Oh, yeah, they see you're good at the topics. I love a topic one guy had one where it was like Would you rather blow your dad or fuck your mom? Hmm. I'm talking Vaginal intercom. I'm surprised it's not eat the mom out or oral. Why is it fuck fuck or oral? Fucking is the height of it. Yeah, it's a woman and BJ is worse is not as bad as fucking, but it's with your dad I got to say eating your mom out is up there with fucking your mom. I mean, it's pretty close That's true, but now your mom's on your on your list If you fuck your mom, she's like, oh, I fucked her. I fucked my mom. Yeah, you know, like it's part of your resume now I feel like we must have talked about this before 100% did and originally was oral to oral. Oh Yeah, might have been my topic. Well, what would you do just a recap? I think blow the dad because it's You know, it's exciting. It's different. You know what I mean? Yeah, I think I just I blow my father He's got a nice mustache. He's a good man. He drove me to trouble him on home. He probably blew him on the right Home out of guilt But also you blow your daddy might talk to you. He might be like, oh, you're oh, this is great. Oh I love you son. It's gonna be the only way you get some reaction. He's like your third special was the best one I'm like you watched it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, so that that could be good. Get some reaction out of them Hi there. We are sponsored by CalShi the largest prediction market in the U.S Trade on whether things will or won't happen. I'm sure you've heard the buzz around CalShi They're making headlines. This isn't a typical sportsbook. CalShi is peer-to-peer trading and the best part is It's available across the country. That means you, California in Texas. Now you can trade CalShi is easy to use. I've got money on March madness futures duke to win But you can trade on anything there like what's the top movie on Netflix How many times Trump will go to Mar-a-Lago this month and will the U.S. confirm if aliens exist before 2027 79% say no Download the CalShi app and get $10 when you deposit with code Tuesday here's how it works users must deposit $10 put $10 on a trade and then get rewarded $10 That's promo code Tuesday When you sign up to get $10 when you trade $10 on CalShi CalShi put your money where your prediction is But I do have a story. I don't have a story because you said you had some while my Whopper was the big Muslim go. Oh boy. So the other day We did it with we got to bank a couple episodes. I know the people love this Because we got a trap going international you're your father's gay Georgia says cut it Swiss banks juxtap quitting You quitting No You are soft Says rooper so We left here. We had to do two episodes in a week I go hopefully something happens between now and then I go straight from here. I go Moot meet the family meet the parents Good movie the baby's getting his first haircut. He's got hair everywhere. He's got squiggly hairs everywhere It's the getting in his face little you know because they're like wispy thin Hair so the touching his eye touching he's doing this all day cut hair. So I go. Let's get him a haircut. You put him on the Phone book now. No, it's a it's a fire truck They know what they're doing now. Okay. Now they know what they're doing It's a little fire truck. So there's a place called rosy. I gotta give a shout out rosy and rosy O'Donnell rosy's cutting hair. It's in the back of a toy store in Tribeca. Oh, this is too cute It's amazing highly recommend you got to go there So I go let's go get a haircut. So we walk into the toy store and first you know he's got a he's got a licking a touch Everything got to fuck everybody. It's very exciting We go in the back. We slide open. There's a little door. That's like a what do you call a pocket door? That separates the toy store from the haircut. It's like a little kid speak easy exactly So it says come on in checking for your appointment now. I don't have an appointment, but it's like it's Wednesday at Two o'clock three o'clock. So I'm like, yeah, maybe this to walk in off peak. I open the door There's a little girl in the fire truck getting her haircut. I don't like that And then there's a woman sitting in the barber chair next to it now. I'm used to an adult barber shop Where you walk in you see one guy cutting someone's hair and another guy just sitting in a chair You think this barber is available. Yes, so I go great Uh-oh the lady sitting is available. Uh-oh. Let's get a haircut walk. Hey, we got to walk in over here Deadman walking and the lady just kind of goes And the lady cut in the hair goes you got an appointment and I was like no, but are you available? I point to this woman in the chair Yeah, you available aha, but I'm an idiot. She's the mother of the kid Asked me a kid there. It's not two barbers in a child. Uh-uh. It's the mother of the child. Okay. That's what I thought immediately when you first told it So I'm like hey, hey, what do you say you cut my son's hair? You're just she was a barber you're just sitting around doing nothing Why don't you trim my kids hair? And she didn't say that she just kind of went like And then the haircut lady Rosie She's like she could tell she looked like oh my god. I'm like am I fucking up? I feel like something weird is happening What did you say to her? I just said hey, maybe you're available Oh, I don't know if I don't know if an appointment. I just need to get his haircut right right so now this is weird air I'm like what's going on? So then Rosie give her the turn away she walks me she walks out that Rosie walks over the iPad and goes No, if you don't have an appointment next appointment set 505 hmm and now I'm an asshole. I go. Oh, all right Well, what about tomorrow? And she goes well, yep, you can go online to make an appointment. I go all right Fair enough. I'll go online. I feel like I fucked up something weird is happening. Oh good I leave I shut the little pocket door Sarah goes that was Claire Danes I had no idea. It's like a movie star TV star. I don't watch television Jerry And I didn't really look at the lady. I haven't seen Claire Danes since my so-called life when I was 11 And fucking Romeo and Juliet with Leonardo DiCaprio, but she's a huge star She's in homeland and the beast in me and some other shit. Oh, she lives in the neighborhood My so-called haircut. So I have no idea. I've walked in on like a private haircut. I just like Hi there Hey bitch, where do you cut my son's hair? She was like She probably thinks I'm the paparazzi or some asshole Man, it's some trolls. I'm an influencer guy with a hidden camera and it's her kids a little child and I'm like And so Rosie's like oh god, I gotta get him out. I'm gonna lose my prize client. My biggest client Yeah, you're Nick Shirley you're going in the back of a Daycare looking for some scan. Yeah, so Sarah's like what are you nuts? Like right away? She's like oh my god We've interrupted a star. She's a movie star. I'm an asshole. So I go. I didn't know that. I'm like should I go back in? She's like what are you nuts? She kicks me. She shoes me in the ass. Yeah. Yeah. I leave and I'm like all right Well, let's go we'll get the 505 appointment. So we go online. I make the appointment. Let me go to the playground And Claire Danes is back at the plate. Oh no, which I didn't realize again because I'm not paying attention You're just watching your kid. Yeah, and then there's a little girl over here and she's talking to my kid And I'm like, oh, that's fun. This is interesting bubble loop scoop it a boop. I'm talking to this kid. Yeah, yeah, my kid her kid That Sarah's like that was Claire Danes again. It's like a ghost. I'm like. I was like what? What the fuck is she like? I was like where was she? She's like you're just talking to her. I'm like I was talking to Claire Danes He said it was a kid. No, the little I was talking to a little kid the mother was just sitting next to me standing next to me Oh, okay, I didn't realize that she go hey, you haircut cleaf. No, so then I'm like, all right, you got to tell me who this woman is because I'm not looking directly and I'm looking at the children You know, I'm trying to know what you mean. So she's like, it's that woman right there. And I'm like, oh, and I don't recognize her even a little bit put together in your head No, because I haven't I went through her like filmography. I haven't seen her in a thing since literally Romeo and Juliet 1997 or whatever it was the beast and me is incredible. That's what you would learn. She was just telling me it's so good I got to watch it. I'll watch it. Versi just said the same thing So I'm like, okay, now I know her and now part of me is like should I apologize? I interrupted her hair cut. She's a celebrity She's a big star. I'm an asshole. Let me wait to get back in Not bad. She's in showbiz. I'm in showbiz Homoland. So that now my kid is like eating sand. He's like chopping his dick off because I'm just staring at Claire Danes be like there she is and I don't even have Like reverence. It's time like I've seen her in a movie. She's just she's just a person But somehow now that I know she's a celebrity. I'm like look at the way she moves. It's great and you have my son's bleeding and whatever. - You're just doing this to her? (laughing) - So then we go back to Rosie's for the 505 appointment. - Oh no. - And I'm like, "Hey, sorry, we're assholes." And she's like, "I couldn't give you the 505." When you were here, I'm like, "I freaked out. I didn't know." She's like, "Well, that was a big star." And I'm like, "Well, now I know." And she's like, "I was like, should I apologize?" Should I apologize to Woody? - Yeah. - And I thought about it. By the way, when we were getting Marty back in his scroll, I looked up and, "Oh man, it's Mickey. Claire was right there." And I thought, "Hey, Claire, sorry about the haircut." But I just felt, you know, let me just let it be. - Yes, yes. - Then when I talked to Rosie, I was like, "Oh, maybe I should have apologized." 'Cause Claire was weird. - Sure. - Rosie told me Claire was weird, so then I felt like an asshole. But then the haircut was the most beautiful thing. I'll show you the photos. He was perfect. He was sitting there. He's like, "This, the whole time." They give you a lock of his hair. They put it in like a little cocaine bag. They stapled it to a certificate. So it's my first haircut, March 8th. - That's a little much. - That's sweet. - And he looks like a million bucks. We bought him a tux. He's presenting at the Oscars to Claire Danes for the Beast and Me. - Ah, love it. Good for him. That's a milestone in that haircut. - It was a big milestone, but yeah, I had no idea. So, Claire Danes, all of that. - So hopefully she sees this. We're big fans. I mean, he's not. He'd never seen you before. - Well, I'll come around. I'll watch the Beast and Me. - I like her. And I'm going to this Rosie. So maybe I'll see Lindsay Lohan. - You never know who's gonna pop into Rosie's. But by the way, the haircut lady, I don't know what you call a lady kid's hairdresser. - Barbara. - Barbara Ella. - Well, she was fantastic. This is another funny moment. She did the whole haircut. She couldn't have been better. She couldn't have been sweeter. It was an amazing experience. I cried, my father's gay. And I go, what's your name by the way? I didn't get your name. She goes, "Rosie." Which is funny, 'cause you're like, "All right." She said it like I'm like, "Well, I got a fucking Tony's pizza." It's not like, "Hey, I'm Tony." Like, when's the last time you went to a restaurant? - Yeah, it's exactly. - I go to Del Frisco. It's not like, "Hi, I'm Steve Del Frisco." - Yeah, that's true. I've never met Papa John. - No, or Papa Gino or any other Papa, Tom Papa. - I met him. - Yeah, me too. Nice guy. - You're like a comedian. - She said it like, "I'm Rosie." - Yeah. - I'm like, "I don't know. Rosie could be a billionaire who hires out horse, whatever." - Yeah, that's crazy. - But how exciting is that to go to a place and the person whose name is the person? - That's rare. - Well, with New York, with these prices, you can't just open a business. You got to be Dwayne Reed or Chase Bank. - Right, or Walmart. - Yeah, what's the guy? - Oh, yeah, Bobby Walmart. - Sam Walton. - Oh, that's right. - But I'm going, I'm going. - Yeah, it's good stuff and toister. Then you got a bravery treat. You got a little, you know, you got my toy and then you'll leave out of there. And then-- - In the military, ironically. - You go to the playground and then you go see a celebrity. - Now, what the hell can I ask? I'm thinking Tribeca, I'm thinking Claire Daines, I'm thinking Rosie. That haircut must have been $85. - Ah, it wasn't crazy. I mean, people at home, I'm going to say that's crazy. Well, that was the other thing. It was like $45 or something. - All right. - Which is expensive for a two-year-old. - Of course. - That she goes, "All right, we'll see you in three weeks." And I'm like, "No." - Ah, not get us haircut every three weeks. What are we, assholes here? - I shaved that thing in the bathtub. - Exactly. So-- - Yeah, a woman's armpit. - And then we gave a nice tip, of course. So they put on, they ask what's his favorite program. They put on Bluey, they got the firetruck. Where do you see these photos? Your heart will melt, your tits will fall off. - I can't wait, I'll get a boner. I'm very excited. Yeah, good for old Mar. - Mar? - Oh, Mardy. - Yeah, they met Bill Mar. - Bill Mardy. Yeah, all right. I'll check it out now. Let me run this by you. This doesn't have a cool ending. There's no celebrity. But I have a lunch with Salacus. We pop in. We got to, we're doing a podcast that we might be drunk. Salacus is like, I'm here early. You know, he does that? - Yeah, yeah. - The show starts at 2.30. I think he texted me at about 11.58 and he goes, I'm early. And I go, all right, well, I'll head down there. We go to Bagel World, or one of these places. We walk in, and there's a sweet table right by the window, right by the front door. Look it out into the city. So I go, we got to get that table. So we order our bagels, our bullshit. We sit down. He's at the window, I'm facing the window. His back's to the window. A guy walks in, young guy dressed in all black, and he just stares at us, and he's just like this. So you're us, he's just going like this. - Oh no. - I know. And Salacus is like, can I help you? And he's unfazed. And I'm just staring at this guy. You start imagining, okay, I'll elbow him in the neck. Then I'll do one of these, then I'll get the groin. - Correct him in the jaw. - Correct him in the balls. - But Salacus is doing all the talking. But I'm doing all like the, I'm scoping the joint out. How am I going to fight this guy? - Casing the joint. - That's the word. And Salacus goes, can we help you? And he's just staring. And when a guy is staring with no dialogue, it's tense. - Of course. - And he goes, buddy, we don't have any money. If you want something, just ask. And he's handling pretty well. And I'm like, I'm doing this shit. And the guy just keeps staring. And finally, I look at Salacus. He's going for the pepper. - Oh boy. - He's got pepper spray on him. - And we don't mean salt and pepper. - No, no. He's a vigilante, he's a hot head, he's a street tough. Did he tell you pepper spray had a couple guys stealing bikes? - What do you think? - Of course he did. Did he tell me? He sent me a postcard. He sent me, yeah, I have a fucking full-length film from it. - He has it on video. He found the security footage from the building of score. We put out reels. He puts out CCTV footage of him pepper spraying black people. But so this guy, he's staring at us. And I go, all right, well, I guess it's going down. And I got like a plastic knife and a joke book. And the lady behind the counter goes, sir, you have to leave. And he keeps staring. So I was like, this is going down. And she goes, sir, you have to leave. And he goes, all right, and he leaves. - Whoa. - That was it. But I go, what the hell was that? She goes, he comes in eight times a day and just stares at whoever's in that seat. - Wow, that's the thing. I think most of these folks, they're not violent. They're not crazy. They just hunger. They know they can prey on people by just staring. - Yeah. - Because most Tom Dick and Harry visiting from Indianapolis or French lick or some other place, they just go take my wallet. Please. They go, we had our New York experience. We got robbed. We gave them the cards. - Well, when someone's staring, you want to just, it's like a fire. You want to just put it out. So you start thinking like, 20, here's 40. Here's 60. Just go. That's how I came to blow my father. He was just looking at me after a show and I whipped it out. - Exactly, but Sally to his credit, he's got ice in his dick 'cause he did not flinch for a second and he was going for the spray and eventually the guy was pushed out of there, but yeah. - Well, none of this will matter when we're in Austin, baby. - Oh, yeah, there's no cook down there. - Well, we'll be in our cars. - Ah, yes. - Take an eight dollar lift. - Woo! - Now the one problem about my big move to Austin, those lift drivers, they ask you questions. It's white guys. - It's the white guys in the south. Midwest and south, they want a chitchat. - Well, what are you doing here? - Oh gosh. - Then he always say a lie that you think, "Oh, this will get me out of it." But then the lie opens up a whole new conversation. There you go. I'm here for a wedding. Oh, family. Yes, cousin, sure. Oh, good for you. A lot of family didn't stick together. You close in your family like, "God damn, how do we get on this?" - Yeah, it's tough, tough sledding out there. - I like the New York City guys. - They're on the phone like this. - Yes, I love that. - They just like, and they talk so low, 'cause I think they're afraid of getting like a bad rating. - Yeah. - So they literally are like. - Yeah. - Yeah. - And you're like, "What's that?" And they're like, "No, no, no." - Yeah, yeah. This isn't for you. I'm talking to my wife and Libya, whatever. - I will say, when the Libya, Libya, Majora, when the, the, the Kaby though, before Uber was huge, sometimes those cabbages were too quiet. You know, I'd get in the cab and I go, "Hey, man, can we get to 58th and Broadway?" And you would go, "Hmm." And you're like, "Is that a yes?" And he's like, "Yes, yes, yes." And you're like, "All right, how long do you think that'll take?" And he just won't answer. - Right. - And you're like, "Just give me a little something." - Yeah. - So I need somewhere between Midwest and Libya. - Yeah. You got it, you want the, you've got it, sir. - Yeah, it's something. I don't know, you don't have to blow me, like you with your dad. Just give me a little bit of an acknowledgement. - Sure, start my life. - Oh, we got a ride. I think this is one of the best episodes of all time. I mean it. - Wow. - I swear to God, look at Chuck Smileyland here. - Yeah. - He was, he was giggling. - Yeah, a lot of giggles. It was like the old days. - Now, who would, do we hit an hour? - Yeah, he gave us the signal. - Oh, I missed the signal. - Yeah, big hour. One of the great hours of all time. - We're too sick. - All right. - Where the hell am I going to be? - Once this come out, the fall, 23rd I believe. - 23rd, nine of the 23rd. Oh, this weekend I met the, this is so funny. The Fort Lauderdale Improv, which is at Dan Yabeach, but also serves Miami. It's like, I don't know what the fuck city I'm in. - Well, it's between Lauderdale and Miami. - Well, I'm going to the Miami open and everyone all the time says Southern Florida. When are you playing Southern Florida? Whatever, slurring Florida. Well, I'm playing there. This weekend, March 26th, 27th, 28th, come on out. And then I'm doing a Cleveland run, April 8th in Warren, Ohio, warrant peace. April 9th in Toledo, Ohio, 10th and 11th in Columbus, Ohio. And then the big weekend, Providence, 16, 17, 18. That's Patriots Day weekend. And then of course, I'm going off to the UK, doing Dublin, Glasgow, London. And also before that, we have Tuesday's with stories on the f-. Fifth of May you got that right May the fifth and then the seventh of ma'am doing my own solo headlining show at the improv So I'm at the improv twice that week may the fifth be with you and then yeah Glasgow, Dublin, Belfast, Bristol, come on out Hell yeah, what a what a life what a run what a time We might have talked to our agents because we're like back to back on a couple cities. Oh Jesus. We just said San Antonio I just did it and I think I'm doing Daniel Beach But yeah, I'm at also Fort Lauderdale Lexington, Tucky, Milwaukee, Spokane and a lot of new dates added Raleigh, Chattanooga Providence, Rhode Island, okay, and yeah get on the patreon about to a hot gay set no TV bringing it back baby haven't done one of those in a while So if you're not on you miss it out where you at chuck it chuck chuck cool chucky chuck my pad cut Wow, podcast I'm taking back gas started over. Thank you for Chicago. I know my girlfriend's from Chicago Can't record check out my podcasts fun bearable a lot of fun because when the two skates come over They just leave the comments that are like rainbow All pipes come join. It's fun fun bearable pod.com and yeah, and if You got any extra cash. We're doing a very special project. Oh, you're promoting. I think you're just talking to us We give you a lot of cash No, you know, we're doing a very special project a lot of contributors and a lot of them came from Tuesdays and talk about it here So find me at discount chuck on instagram or twitter and hit me up if you want to be part of a cool creative thing and somebody gift that fart combo there because that could really pop that could that could really That could be what we've been looking for for all these years All right