#647 Murder Was The Queso That They Gave Me

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. Nah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Holy moly! We're here, we're queer, and we are back. It's 64 degrees out and sunny. It's nice out there. New York, when it turns, it's just the greatest city in the world. I'm never moving. I wouldn't be caught dead in another city. Texas stinks. Well, that's the thing. You go, ah, the snow, the garbage, Mom Donnie. Oh, my God. The parking. The subway. The rats. The homeless. Then you get one shed of sunlight and you go, whoo, greatest city in the world. New York, when it's great. That's what I always say. New York, once you're settled and parked and at the place you want to be, it's great. Sure. It's just getting everywhere is a nightmare. And throw a baby in that mix. Hachi machi. You want to eat a bullet. It's just horrible. But once you're at the waterfront or Central Park or wherever, but I've said this for years, too, my favorite part of New York City is the woods. The woods? I mean, Central Park. It's like, this is the best. I tell everyone, this is the crown jewel. And you're like, well, I guess I just like grass. Yeah. Well, grass means more when you have so little of it, too. I suppose so. So you get in that park and you go, oh, my God, a tree, a pond, a bridge, a squirrel. Right. But I could be where there's grass everywhere. I'm moving. You heard it here first. I'm out. It's like working at the ice cream factory. Eventually, you go, ah, I'm sick of chocolate chip, Rocky Road, and shit. Sure, Bert. Well, here's the thing. That's what he said to Ernie, said to whatever. Bert? You want some ice cream? That was the old joke. What did Ernie say when he was asked if he wanted ice cream? Sure, Bert. Oh, I like that. That's good stuff. There you go. I wonder why that show's been on for 78 years. Hey, what did 20 do when he got hungry? 8-9? 28. Oh, there you go. Now, when I say 28, what do you think of? You're not a sports guy, I guess. No. So. What do I think of? Legal? 28 would be a nice age. Good age. You're an adult, but you're still young. Yeah, let me get a 28-year-old in my bedroom. Hachi machi. It's funny, because when you're 17, you're like, 28, look at this. What is it, Betty White? Right. And now you're like, 28. Holy hell. What is she, in third grade? Well, I remember one time, and this podcast has been going on so long. Oh, yes. 28. Way back in the day, you were like, I fucked a lady. I fucked a lady once who was 38, and that's now. My wife is 10 years older than that. Even when you said it, I was like, that's how old my wife is, you maniac. Oh, that's right. Yeah. I was like. Because that was your idea of like, I fucked this old bitch. No, because I lost my genitalia at 55. I know, but I think at the time, that had been years earlier. Sure, sure. So you were like, oh, man, the other day, I fucked this old chick. She was 38. Well, you have been doing this a while, huh? I've been doing it for 13 years. I mean, you had. The serious girlfriend, then broke up with her. Then you were single for nine years. Then you had the Peggy. Ah, Peg, I lead. Then you went back to single, and then Meg. Peg Leg, the old pirate. Arr. Arr, you fucking matey. You're in my arse. Wait, what was I going to say, though, about New York or Texas? Oh, this is what I was going to say. We were talking about ice cream. I go to Texas. If I move, when I move to Texas, Tejas, Mexico, I got to be mindful. I'm going to gain $450. Oh, in a day. I was in San Antonio all weekend. I'm like, how do you guys not all weigh 800 pounds? Yeah. I haven't walked a step. No. My step count's 140. I'm eating a bag of queso for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Sure. And then in between, I shove six pounds of fucking beef up my ass. Taco, brisket, barbecue, all the sides, the mac and cheese, and the cornbread. Oh, my God. You know what it is? I think they're all smoking out there. Smoking kills your appetite. They're all on drugs out in Austin. And I think they kayak every two years. I guess some kayaking, or maybe there's some of that other stuff. There's a paddle board. I think so. I see it out the window on that river. Well, I think also they're not as crazy about the queso. Right. Queso for us is an anomaly. Well, here's the thing that's insane. Sarah's talked about this for years, and I'm sure someone's going to be like, hey, you dickface, you don't know what you're talking about, but you cannot get proper Tex-Mex anywhere outside of Texas. Ah. What? What is Tex-Mex? I know. But you can get good Mex. You can get good Mex, but you can't get queso. Queso is Tex-Mex. You go to a Mexican restaurant anywhere in the country, they don't have a bowl of queso. I think some do. Maybe some. I could find one in New York with queso right now. You think so? I bet. Chuck, go put queso in the maps. We found one. Okay. We went to one place, and it was just shit. It was like Velveeta crap. I'm talking good, proper queso. Well, that's a different story. Yeah, you might get bad queso here, but the good stuff, you got to go down to old Fort Worth. But there's a shortage of Tex-Mex restaurants. I mean, Massachusetts, we didn't have a Tex-Mex restaurant. Right, right. Damn, because in New Orleans, we had a place called Tex-Mex. Uh-huh. It's called Chevy's. Ah, Chevy's. You ever heard of Chevy's? I know Chevy's. Chevy's is Tex-Mex. Dodge, Chevy's. Yeah. And there's Chewy's. Chewy? Chewy. That's C-H-U-Y. Ah. But that place sucks. I'm Torchy's all the way. I'm Torchy's, Magnolia, Matt's, Tex-Mex, and Austin. I love it. I love the queso. Queso's good. Murder was the queso that they gave me. There you go. But yeah, I do love Mexican. Mexicans, I could eat any time. Oh, yeah. I'm all day, all day Mexican, but that Greg African joke. Oh, yeah. It's the same food over and over again. Cheese, meat, tortilla. I just heard someone else do almost the same exact joke. Uh-oh. About Tex or about Asian? About Mexican food. I would say pasta's similar. Because it's all pasta. They're just different shapes and names. That's a good point. You know, and then a sauce. Right. And a meat. That's a good point. But I think pasta is pasta. It's like nicknames. Huh? Like pasta is pasta, but then they have nicknames. Rigatoni, elbows, show. Right, but it's all the same. They're acting like this is a different food altogether. Yes, yes. They're like enchilada, burrito. Chimichanga. Oh, you said that right there. Right, but you're like, but this is pasta. But yeah, and a quesadilla is just a burrito that some fucker sat on and cut it up. Cut this motherfucker right here. Fuck it. Cut him up. Remember that, Hedberg? Oh, yeah. Tennis balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a laid-back company. Yes, Sprinkles. Yeah, but no, you're right. But the pasta, yeah, they're nicknamed. Is that a bit? That's adorable. I don't know if that's really strong. I'm in that moment, that mood where I'm like, I need something. I'm dying here. Give me a bit. What is this? Bottle? Bottle of water. Water bottle. Hey, that's something. Man, I just had, I was in San Antonio, and I came up with an idea, and I was like, I'm going to try something new, and it was the hottest crowd ever. I mean, I'm killing. Speaking of Mexico, I mean, we kill with the Mexicans. We love the brown. They love us. So I'm just ripping, killing, and I'm like, this is one of the best shows of my life. I'll tell you that. And they're so good, I'm like, I got to try this thing. I wrote this today. Yeah, it sounded like that. It was just zilch. It was the kind of thing where they don't even recognize an attempt at humor has been made. Yes, yes, yes. They were like, huh? I had the same thing in Indy. You just got to go, okay, sorry about that. What are you looking for, Chuck? My dick? Just making sure it's recording. Oh, it's recording, baby. I had no idea, maybe. Because that dick's hard to find. Me and my openers, I had a host and an opener in the green room. And we're like, I'm trying to crack this bit. I've been working on this bit for eight months. And we start riffing on it. And we go, that's it. We got it. We're jumping up and down. He falls on the coffee table like Chris Farley. We're high-fiving. I go out. I do the bit. And it got zero. And one guy went, huh. And I played the recording back later. We all had a fucking, we'd all died laughing. Because they didn't even know I was joking. Right. They didn't even fake it or feign it or go, ah, I see what you're going for. It was like. It was like zero. And then one guy hiccuped. Flop. Yeah. How does it kill in a green room where you're like, that's it. That's it. It's flawless. It couldn't be better. And then zilch. Well, I told you my fame. I still remember the moment, the scene, where I was sitting. I was at the Everett House of Comedy, Tom Dustin's house. We had all comics there. We called it the Everett House of Comedy. Yep. And I had this joke about how I got braces for Christmas. And I said, for my birthday, I got a tetanus shot. And we laughed. We laughed. We rolled. I mean, Tom's feet were in the air. I mean, we kicked. I mean, it was crazy. And back then, you're like, I can't believe I have to wait four hours to say this. And it was, I think we were high. And we wrote it on the wall. It was like, tetanus shot, birthday. And I was like, this is taking me to the top. And it never worked. I tried it for five years. Come on. Not funny. Yeah. Well, what do you think that is? Is it an environment thing? In that room, they, with Tom, they all know you. They get your humor. This is a group of strangers who are. are drinking who don't know you it's a different environment well it felt perfect for me because it felt like braces help correct your teeth tetanus keeps you from getting a disease yes braces hurt tetanus shot hurts yes birthday christmas but i think part of the flaw is people are like you got braces for christmas that's horrible it's like one of those setups that distracts from the joke the joke i think people are like what do you mean that's crazy that's the thing about stand-up it's gotta all fit down that winding road my thing was i got this joke about america's like a woman blah blah blah and then you yeah you get in america and you're like man this lady's expensive i thought it was land of the free and then the other guy goes you got to get a visa you get it yeah visa but in the room we're like free visa oh border immigrant and the crowd didn't get anything they're like visa what why would you get a visa you maybe there's something about vacation you go to a third world country to vacation you know you're happy to be in america but after a while america's like a woman it's like getting married you're like i got the hot girl this is the girl i ever wanted but after you're there for two years you're like let's go down to aruba oh oh the citizens say that yeah i see so once you're living in america you're like oh this is beautiful it's everything i wanted a wife and then after a couple years you're like hmm there's a new country down in the caribbean you ever been there it's a little brown we'll go to jamaica just for a week just for a week and i'll come back i still live here right let me just go down and visit uh philippines for a minute sure sure and i'll come back to you lady boy in thailand you can have this that's something that's better than anything you got all right write it down it's good stuff every once in a while you're like i'll go to canada i want some cold fat bitch i don't know something oh yeah yeah there's something here yeah fat and that it's big i know someone's gonna write and be like america's fatter than canada that's true we are these people that don't get jokes i had a clip where i was like america we dominated canada and hockey two to one in overtime yeah some guys like obviously you didn't watch the game if you think it was a domination i'm like it's a joke i know two to one in overtime is not dominating how do you not get it i'm a comedian it says comedy in my thing i'm making a joke you're the idiot i know i had a good uh response this lady was like i did a joke and she went no no it got all pop but she did the no and i go oh you're one of those people who doesn't get jokes and i'm like oh you're one of those people who doesn't get jokes and i'm like oh you're one of those people who doesn't get jokes and she was like no and i was like i got her i think i got her yeah suck it cut yeah been in america for a while it's all i ever wanted it's the beautiful thing but every once in a while i do want to dip down to puerto rico have a fat ass maybe say a fat ass something like that or my downstairs neighbor that mexican whore there you go something maybe a little uh cleaner than that yeah i like it so i had the uh the seinfeld larry david thing where you wake up with a bit you ever have that where you're like i have a joke and i got on my phone you know i put my glasses on my readers and i typed it in my phone i went back to bed whoa you ready for this i can't wait it is not good but in my head i was like oh my god this is a lightning bolt from from the george carlin you know boom hit me right in the head like charlie kirk that was the neck but uh i go alcohol is racist brown is bad for you and don't mix it and in my head in my sleeping stupor i was like oh my god look at this you can't mix them you got to segregate right clear liquor is better for you brown is makes the hangover worse oh my god i'm the next henny youngman and then you know nothing boy i could see where it could be something maybe well when you're sleeping of course you got a boner you're drooling you know next to a man i'm like oh this is something i had this the other day where i'm like half asleep half retarded and half gay and i wake up to my wife and i'm like i get horny as i fall asleep sure and i wake up and i'm like what if tomorrow i'll be like your sex slave for like 30 minutes she's like what and i'm like yeah it'll be crazy like i'll just do whatever you want me to do and then the next day we'll switch whoa and she was like you gotta you're i think you're asleep and i'm like all right wow and i woke up like this like did i what the fuck was i talking about sex sober man that's the closest you get to fucked up is sleepy yeah so that's you shithoused right that's not bad it's up there and you know they say if you stay up two days you hallucinate so like that's free acid for you right that's not bad uh-huh um jeez what else are we talking about no texas we're talking about texas because i'm moving to texas in the fall as you know so how was san an san an was great this is a fun topic best city that starts with sand best sand city well san francisco i think it's gonna be the winner yeah well san diego is pretty unbelievable but i'm a san francisco guy i do love san diego san juan san barbara san san with a capistrano san jose san jose san bernardino san antonio san louis abisco or is that a cookie st louis nabisco you know that was two people's names combined no i didn't know that a goog there nabisco i think it's johnny nabas and kevin cisco i know miramax is two names is that right yeah that's his parents who harvey oh harvey weinstein's parents are mira and max miramax how about that and gas digital is gomez and sutton i didn't know that either that's the gas gomez and sutton what do you got national ah fuck okay company oh there you go that's what that's names not names but not a guy's name but three different words right together now to piggyback on your your nighttime sex slave then we'll get back to texas i can't wait did you know in the morning men's testosterone is the highest that's why you wake up with a boner and women's cortisol is very high like their stress hormone is going ape shit in the morning because women are crazy so that's why morning sex is so great because you get to relieve your boner and she gets a little stress relief so morning sex is actually great for your mental health i think it's interesting well i get no morning sex anymore because now we wake up to a baby that's our alarm clock well that's why your lives are ruined with the baby right but i do wake up with a boner still to this day i'm almost 44 i wake up with a boner most days i had one today which is i heard boners is the canary in the coal mine you wake up you got no boner that means your heart's not ticking properly oh wow they save your horny you're healthy well i'm horny all the fucking time epstein was a healthy man absolutely that's what i always say um so anyways texas this is the point i wanted to make about texas i'm so new yorked up in my head i've lived in new york for so long i wanted to go to the movies while i was in san antonio so i'm out there and i'm like well let me see where it's playing let's see the film's playing i'm like ah shit it's only playing 6.8 miles away fuck ah and then i'm like wait let me just google let's edit nine minutes yeah it's crazy i'm like here in new york city if something is seven miles away that's off the table it's not even on the menu no you can't go forget it in texas you're like it's 10 minutes right i went to three different movie theaters and they're all one seven miles away eight miles away and you have the same thing you look up a restaurant you're like well where's torchy's oh five miles away well maybe i'll find something else oh wait it's four minutes from here exactly i'm moving jerry what's a better system they're living we're not living normally they are right we're the anomaly we're the the minority we're the weirdo well yesterday i took marty to swim lessons the regular place is closed like well it's got this place you got to go to this location okay great you walk over there it's down four flights of stairs it's in a russian sauna wow there's a pool but it's like a russian what do you call that bath bath house sauna thing and i'm walking i got the stroller i'm walking down four flights of stairs there's a guy going you need hand job but you need to because justin bieber were here eight months ago alexander ovechkin come here this is the place to be discount prices for you and your son i'm like what everyone's steaming there's just men in towels old russian men in town i'm walking by with my two-year-old son to get to swim lessons he's got a little swim cap and flippers and tits and there's just guys looking at me like oh and it's in the fucking basement we finish it's it takes 35 minutes to walk back to my house whoa 35 minute walk and it's like it's potholes and red lights and hobos and hobo joes down there 35 it's a tip of the dick down there well because it was all the way on the east side i'm all in the west side so it's like and then it's red light after red light after red light and sidewalk and then you got to go through the world trade center he's got little little feet well he was in the stroller but whatever still 35 minute walk damn that's an eternity he's got a little feet well he's in the stroller but whatever you're like this is crazy yeah but i bet your steps were up because steps were great i had a i had a gig somewhere i walked so little i looked at my steps it was like 2013 and i looked again later and it was like 199 i was like how did i go backwards oh wow i'd never had that before where the steps went the other way it's like ferris bueller you put in reverse exactly yeah exactly i think i stepped backwards or something in time because uh i lost steps well it's uh yeah it's a life over there no state income tax no what the hell is income tax anyway what are you doing to us out here they tax everything they tax your tax like you make money you buy shit, they tax you. Then you make money, you put it in the bank, they tax that. Then you buy something at a grocery store, that's taxed. Everything's taxed. A lot of tax. Well, you gotta pay for the roads. This is the problem. This is the real frustrating thing with the taxes. And I talked about this before on the show. Derek had this idea. They should give you a receipt of exactly where all your money went. And then somebody messaged me. I think in Australia they do that. Brass tax. You pay taxes, which I'm for taxes. Tax people. Tax the rich. Tax the everybody. You go, you send a receipt. It says, hey, you paid whatever, $80,000 in taxes last year. We sent $4,000 to the local elementary school. $3,000 went to cops. $2,000 went to fire department. We fixed three potholes. We picked up your garbage. We put $800 towards the garbage man, $50 towards the mailman, and $25 went to the community college. And then you hang it up on your wall and you go, hey, I participated in the greatness of this country. You're crazy because they want to keep it vague and shady. Now they can keep canoodling with the who knows what's and the what knows who's and the Massad's and the Epstein's and the Somali daycare, whatever it is. So they don't want you knowing where your shit's going. They want you to just think it's going somewhere. I know, but it would be nice because then I would feel better about my taxes. And I think less people would want to figure out the system, cheat the system. They'd be like, well, if it's going to the daycare, that's great. Happy to do it. Well, you know what would be even cooler? That would be great. But also, how about this? They put at the bottom when you fill your taxes out, where would you like these to go? And you could go, I wanted to go to this pothole on 59th and 10th, and then after the tax man rapes your wife and takes all your money, then you go, pothole's full. Well, to be fair, you can donate to charity and write it off. So you can pay less taxes if you send money to, you know, feetless kids in the jungle or whatever. You gotta have feet. Happy feet. Feetal syndrome. But I don't know how they work it down there in Texas because they're not taking state income taxes, but my God, that's pretty good. And then you start hearing like, okay, in Japan, they have more people than us in New York, in Japan, I think. Chuck, might want to get on the. The nation of Japan, for sure. Yeah. Tokyo has more people than us. Okay, okay. They pay less than us and get more. How's that work? Well, I think their defense system is probably much, much less. Ah, but they got the trains that go 8 million trillion miles an hour, and we got a rickety old hobo with a stick. Well, they're efficient. We have a lot of red tape. This is the problem with the tape. I don't know what red tape is, but I think it's a lot of stuff and crap and whatever. Yeah, the regulations. And our defense is like $6 trillion a year, that whole thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who knows what? I don't know. I'm not smart enough to tell you. Let's talk about this stuff. But all I know is I'm heading to Texas. I'm going to get a big cowboy hat and a fucking belt buckle. Yeah. And eat queso and get fat. Ride a horse and shoot a hog out of a helicopter and stop an abortion. Save a horse, ride a cowboy. Hey, folks. Two Stories brought to you by Quince. New clothes should last longer than one wash. That's why we love Quince. Quince clothes are well-made, versatile, and built to last with high quality fits for everybody. Quince makes it easy to find something, that you'll use for years. They are not lying. I got a suede bomber jacket. This thing is a peach. I mean, a bomber jacket is exactly what you need. Thank you. It's a beauty. And it fits good. It looks good. Everybody goes, whoa, what'd you spend on that? And I go, very little, because it's Quince. Quince is good. Good stuff. Looks good. Feels good. 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Now, let me ask you this. You want to talk stupid. Sure. I'm your man. All I ever do is talk stupid. Alright. Well, here we go. Here's an idea. Because all you see on the internet is there's a culture war. The right versus the left. The queefs versus the kooks. The whole thing. What about this idea? I was thinking, you're a two-parent household. Sure. Apparently, a two-parent household for a child, your odds of doing well in life is straight up. Yes. We talk about white privilege or good-looking privilege. Two-parent household privilege is bananas. Right. It's quite a leg up. Now, all we do in the White House is we vote a guy in and he's a right-wing guy and then we go, oh, this guy's crazy. Then the next term, we vote a left guy in because we get sick of it. We keep switching and swapping. We've been doing it for decades. What if we vote in a right-wing and a left-wing person as the president? They both present. A president. We cut the bike down the middle. Yes. Now they can talk. They can interact. They can talk to each other and the right is happy because they got a guy in. The left is happy. They got a lady in and they're communicating. It's a two-parent household instead of one. We got a single dad here. It used to be a lot more like that. You had people that were much closer together and that, for much of time, was a virtue. This guy reaches across the aisle. This guy works partisan, bipartisan guy. He works with this guy. That used to be what got you elected. You would stand on the podium and say, I work well with Democrats. I work well with Republicans. Now it's the opposite. Now that's bad. If you came out now and said, I'm going to work with the Republicans, people will shoot you. Exactly. And vice versa. And a lot of this started with Newt Gingrich. There's a great book by Steve Kornacki called The Red and the Blue. Highly recommend. Kornacki! And it started with Gingrich. Gingrich was like, fuck that shit. Let's stop doing that and we'll divide. Yeah, Gingrich. He came up with a lot of that. And of course, social media has contributed greatly. Oh, yeah. But yeah, that used to be the thing and I think it was 60, the 1960 election or 64 going at what was going to be the 64 election. Then Kennedy got shot in the face. But I think it was Goldwater and Kennedy. They traveled on a plane together to go debate. They're like, we'll fly around together. We'll go have debates. We'll talk it out. Somebody shot him in the face. Who the fuck is hiring a guy named Newt? I mean, a Newt. I kicked that guy right in the dick. She turned me into a Newt. The Newt's eye? What is this, Macbeth? You making a stew? We need the eye of a Newt and the Gingrich. What are we doing here? Well, he's a big scumbag. I hope he dies soon. I don't know anything about Newt. Oh, he's a fucking bag of shit. Get that guy. the boot give newt the boot the boot to newt um yes but he was a big clinton we got to kill clinton he had an affair and then he was having an affair the whole time oh really yeah yeah of course shoot gingrich he also did a thing too in that book where he realized that c-span is on all the time that's just the congress channel i skip it immediately pussy it could be a more boring channel well he had a thing he realized the camera is tight on you on there so he would go and talk but the house the chamber was empty but it looked like he was ranting to everybody so he'd go on and go you motherfuckers we're gonna pay taxes we're gonna shoot you in the ass oh we're gonna have three of the birds so people would watch and go look at this guy he's telling everyone what's what i do that with my clips talking to himself i got no crowd there it's just me with no audience but that's pretty genius though well he's obviously a genius we're still doing what he did he's just a bag of shit genius i see evil gene evil genes there you go that's a good company evil genes let's go to the gene business they're called bad religion it's enough already with whiskey let's do jeans i don't know if we got the ass for it well you hire someone ass you go to puerto rico and get one of them rfk he's wearing jeans while at the planet fitness oh yeah well he's got some problems himself i'll tell you that coke off a toilet seat um but i'm moving to texas there you go i'll fly up once a month you fly down once a month then we'll do a couple zooms we'll make it work i kind of do that anyway i'm always at austin that's what i that's that that's the thing about austin everyone's there anyway everyone's there i'm going next week but on last night and i slept in it i was about to say the same line yeah shit we love that television show hey how'd it go by the way you got the message from seinfeld last week oh if you want to get into it so it was all a voice memo which i hate a voice memo but it said hey i listen to your podcast with adam carolla that's nerve-wracking adam carolla went on a whole jazz show and he was like oh my god i'm going to about how he's mad at seinfeld seinfeld was at this car thing they're both car guys and he goes hey seinfeld i got a cool porsche you want to go see it and seinfeld went i'm good and he goes you good this is the number one porsche the only one left in the world and he goes i'm okay you know he does uh-huh and and carolla could wrap it he's like it's the only porsche like this on earth i have it i spent millions of dollars on it you appreciate porsches you don't want to see this and he's like i'm okay and carolla flipped so then seinfeld text me he's like that was hilarious i'm going to call give me carolla's number wow i'm going to go on his show we're going to hash it out oh that's great because you showed me the first sentence that said hey i heard your anytime someone writes to me it says i heard your podcast i throw my phone in the toilet i put my head in the toilet totally it's the worst feeling in the world isn't that funny we put this out you hope to get views you hope to get listeners and make ad money and then someone's like i listened to that thing you put out you're like no i got family members that are like i for christmas i can't let you see me i'm with you it's horrible horrible yeah don't listen to our podcast please whatever you do don't listen good lord but uh all good all well and well and and i get how cool is it that i'm i used to listen to carolla as a kid on loveline i was a huge fan and then uh seinfeld obviously huge fan and now i'm in between these two queefs and now they're gonna go to have a chat because it's something that happened on my pod the whole thing's bananas that's amazing that's exciting so can't wait to listen to that one me too i mean i won't listen but i'll watch the clips that's interesting there you go uh let me ask you this now my sneakers are a little old and beat up i got to do a big meet and greet after the shows in san antonio which was nice there was a line down the block it was very exciting it looked like the fucking border it was crazy are you selling things are you i sold shirts but i sold out in three shows so saturday i just went out there and chatted hell yeah and uh this lady comes up she's all laughing snickering snookering and she goes i gotta ask i gotta ask about the shoes what's going on with your shoes these ones yeah and i'm like what do you mean she's like why are you wearing running sneakers oh god and i'm like i don't know they're just sneakers i didn't put any thought into it i wear they're comfy yeah is that crazy i know in texas you wear boots or whatever i'm like what am i supposed to wear fucking alan edmonds crocs yeah i don't know i think that's i didn't think twice about the shoe i i mean first of all i've never worn anything but running sneakers my whole life but she was laughing like i was wearing swim flippers weird she's like why are you wearing running sneakers i'm like i don't know comfortable yeah i walk a lot and uh i run and i don't want to bring two pairs of shoes i don't really own two pairs of shoes yeah other than like dress shoes that i'd wear on the tonight show and what am i gonna wear a clog a moccasin it's a sneaker it's a sneaker and her boyfriend whatever was wearing like new balance sneaker not running but like new balance like canvas seat new balance sneakers i'm like i don't know isn't that like really close to a running sneaker yeah i guess she's like stuck on the running part because you're standing and you're not running at the moment it's kind of like going tennis shoe you're not playing tennis you're at the park right i know it's called it's called a tennis shoe well also half the country is wearing basketball sneakers not playing basketball all these 55 year old men or 75 in the case of us yeah they all have fucking jordans on also the whole show is like oh he's a kid he wears sneakers he's a man boy wears sneakers is she watching that missing all the jokes and going this guy's wearing sneakers that's how i felt i'm like i'm like i don't know i just i mean those are like soccer shoes you're not playing soccer yeah or break dancing whatever yeah yeah what are you in run dmc yeah these are i don't know what these are mark you can see that he's giving you the old signage yeah i got it i got it oh okay he's holding it like he's hiling but um yeah i didn't get it i've i've i've wear running sneakers 100 of the time always forever these people find these things funny they'll be like look at this a dolphin's got a beach ball on his nose and i'm like god i'd kill to be you well i just want to say i'm like i've done i don't know how many shows 30 000 shows i'm on the road 40 weeks out of the year for 20 years you're the one and only person that's ever been like what's up with running i don't know i'm like i'm meeting and greeting 300 people a show i don't care no one's like this what do you got running shoes i don't care for that because that's a that's a her way that's a zing right it's it's a light zing it's a light dig but it's a dig nonetheless yeah she wants to make you feel kind of silly yeah i just kind of was like i couldn't even it's like when we did our bits that nobody got i was like this i don't understand the question it's like um what do you call it my cousin vinnie what are you wearing right close i don't understand the question yeah great film great movie by the way that's a comedy doesn't get brought up absolutely but uh speaking of i went to the movie i went to the movies three times in the last week good golly miss molly and i'm the only one there it's it's really upsetting slim pick well i know the theaters are done and closing first of all because it's clear but i went to the randolph cinema rest in peace you ever go there massachusetts it was like randolph it's gone and it was the first it was so crazy because it was like a big i think i might have talked about this on the podcast yeah big stadium style seating multiplex multi-floors whatever i think i mentioned this before but sarah and i went there and sarah was like do you have coffee like we don't sell coffee but you can go get a coffee and i was like i thought there was no outside beverages and they went well you don't care oh i'm gonna close like two weeks later oh they're at that phase and so i just had this in texas i was in san antonio i went to the cinema and i go where do i get tickets like oh you get it at the concession stand you just get them at the concessions i was like oh okay so i went to concession stand totally forgot to get tickets because i'm not used to getting tickets oh wow so i was like let me get a large popcorn some juju bees and uh the guy's gonna pay for it remember eddie murphy oh yeah this is the n word but i'm not gonna do that of course a different time anyways i go yeah let me get some popcorn and some m&ms a bottle of water and whatever and they go great and i just forgot to get the ticket walk straight into the cinema there you go nobody was like hey hey oh these places are done they're forgetting to charge money they're in their sweatpants era it's like we've given up fuck you walk all over us piss on our grave it's over yeah and it was just me in there i jerked up i watched the bride yeah exclamation point very uh took a real hit on the financials i think everything does now yeah yeah except for top gun and barbie i think they sell it to netflix maybe or something maybe netflix is like the new dvd gutter it just like runs all the time off into netflix and they're like here's 20 bucks blow me and a little bit of airplane too airplane gives you ten dollars for a flick right i don't know how they're gonna figure it out but i thought the bride was pretty fun it's wacky silly goofy you see uh that lady's tits she's like the hottest woman on the planet to me monster tits are fun what's her name uh jesse buckley oh megan jillen hall is not i thought you were in her i got nervous oh yikes she's got a real grandma face she has joker face it looks exactly like the joker it's crazy like the 89 joker 89 joker the jack nicholson get those wonderful boys uh it's got yeah she's got like this thing going on yes yes the the bad alley but um man that jesse buckley is something else i don't know buckley jesse buckley she's gonna win the oscar for hamnet they think they say hamlet's kid died i didn't see the film i see i think the kid died and then he wrote hamlet based on the kid oh it's supposed to be all the rage i haven't seen the film - The Learing Center. - She's so hot. - That's a cute little-- Ginger. Yeah. I think she's Irish. Oh. But maybe she's English. I don't know. But she's really cool and hot and fun. And the movie is wacky and silly and crazy. But it's good fun. Yeah. So I texted Rana. I go, this movie is a big, messy, wacky, sloppy mess. But it's pretty fun. He writes back, it's not weird? And I'm like, you mean weird specifically? I don't get it. I said wacky, silly, messy. And he's like, well, what about weird? Anyways. That's a strange review. And then I saw Crime 101, which is fun as hell. You seen this? You know this movie? No, I never heard of it. It's Helmsworth, that hot piece of ass. Oh, he's a hunky Aussie. Halle Berry. Oh, she's a hunky black. Which my beef with the movie is her whole character is like, all these corporate white guys, of course, are like, you're old, you're an old bitch, you don't have the goods anymore. She's just like the hottest smoking woman ever. He's like, you're 53, you old cunt. And she's like, so hot. So Crime 101, it's like a play on words, I guess. It's on the 101 in LA. Mark Ruffalo, who's great on camera. He's a good actor. He's a little insufferable on Instagram. But he's like a cop. And then Helmsworth is like, it's very, very cliche, but it's a lot of fun. Helmsworth is like the badass criminal who gets every hair. He doesn't leave anything behind. And of course, it's one of these characters who's like, he doesn't harm anybody. And he doesn't leave a thing behind. And he's cool. And he's hot. He's perfect. And then Halle Berry is hot. And then there's another hot chick, too, that's in a different movie. I forget her name. Let me guess. They hook up. They get together at some point. I don't want to get too much away. But it's a fun cry. It's like a heat. It's a fun cry. It's a fun cry. It's a fun cry kind of movie. Oh, I like heat. He's robbing banks. And then the other guy's robbing a bank. And then the cop is on his tail. Ooh, tail. But I mean, it's cliche after cliche. But it's damn fun. I like a cliche. Is she biracial? Mixed? Halle Berry? What do you call that? She's very light-skinned, for sure. I don't know. Chuck, you want to get into that? Get out of those Google box there, Dickless. Man, is she hot. She's a very pretty lady. And she's still super hot. 59 and still very, very hot. Wow, 59. Machu Picchu. But it's just so funny. She's got, like, cleavage and beautiful face. And they're like, you can't sell a house anymore, you old bag. That is very cop movie. Remember Point Break? Like, Utah, you fucking homo queef. The new guy always got his ass reamed out by the chief. Well, Point Break, I got so many beefs with, even though I love it. I love it, too. But that's a lot of cliches. I mean, it's just horribly stupid. Like, they're like, we think it's these. They're like, the whole thing is like, these guys are ghosts. They're in there for five seconds. They're unbelievable. We'll never catch them. They're the hardest guys to catch. And he's like, I think it's this crazy heroin biker gang that's driving in a Jeep and shooting guns in the area. Like, these guys don't fit the description at all. Right. It makes literally zero sense. Yeah. They're, like, driving drunk in a Jeep, like, wow. Yeah. And he's like, I think it's them. Yeah. Like, why would it be them? That doesn't make any sense. Yeah, that's true. That's true. And, of course, they're like, we were out of town that day. They're like, ah, we forgot to check that. And they're like, they're the best. They didn't notice this guy who infiltrated their group, but they're the best. Right, right. And I went to a scene where the guy, I think it was, is it Kurt Russell? No, Swayze. Swayze. I get that mixed up. He throws a dog at him. Right. No, Keanu throws the dog. Wait, you sure? Yeah. I think Swayze throws a dog at Keanu to, like, pull him to throw him off the tail. Oh, maybe you're right. Maybe you're right. Yeah, yeah. Because he's chasing him. He's got the Kennedy mask, the Reagan mask, and he's running, and he goes, you know what I'll do? Instead of getting away, I'll hide behind this wall. When he walks by, I'll throw a Rottweiler in his face. And I think he punts the dog, too. It's like, ah. I believe he does. He kind of kicks it or punts it or something. Who wrote that? Like, hold on. I'll throw a dog. It's the craziest thought to put in a script. And the dog's nice to him. Like, why wouldn't the dog, he's counting on the dog to attack Keanu. Yeah. Why wouldn't it attack him? That's true. Like, if he's just sitting gently in his arms, why wouldn't he be like, oh. Yeah, he's holding it like that. He goes, rah. But I think he punts it. That scene always reminds me of the Ferris Bueller scene. With the dog. They're both kind of like chasing and running through a house. Oh, yeah. That's true. And a scary dog in there who's eating the shoe. All right. What do you got on Hallie? White mom, black dad. I knew it. I know a fucking octoroon when I see one. Well, yeah, because she's very light, and man, she is beautiful. Yeah. Someone had a bit about mom. The monster's ball. Yes. I remember this. And they were like, oh, my God. Billy Bob Thornton overcame his racism by fucking Hallie Berry. That was, who was that? Whose joke was that? I can't remember. That was a great bit. It's just such a funny idea. He's like this horrible racist. But not anymore. He fell in love with the single hottest woman of all time. Who's half white. Yeah. It's like, yeah, yeah. I think the Klan member would let Hallie, would fuck Hallie. Well, the slave owners bang their slaves, for the record. Oh, is that right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. They were having a great time down there. Not the slaves. But Thomas Jefferson, all those guys. That's why every black person you meet is Jefferson, Washington, Beauregard. Maybe not Beauregard, but a lot of Johnsons, a lot of Booker T. Washington, or Denzel Washington. It's all presidential lineage. Patrice O'Neill. Well, that's an Irish name. That's true. That's true. What else do I got? I had something else. I had something else to say that was interesting, maybe. I just got to give a shout out to the Indy Helium. We had such a great weekend. Not a bad show in the bunch. The club was so accommodating. It was crazy. I couldn't believe it. I was like, no one's ever been this nice to me. They covered everything. Whatever you had, any problems that you had, they were on it. I mean, they were so great. So, thank you. Indy. Indy. That town's popping. Really? Well, you know, we've been there before. You know, it's kind of like Indy. It's one of these dying cities. It's kind of falling off. And the downtown's a little spooky. Downtown's fucked up. Yeah, it's gnarly. But I guess I was there on a hot weekend because it was like there was a moto race going on at the Lucas Oil Arena. And then there was the women's basketball game was in town or something. So, the whole city was abuzz. And you forget these moto people. We live out in New York with these queefs and the blue haired and the cum guzzled Nazis. You go out there, I'm walking to the club, you know, at like 6 p.m. It's just cowboy hat, boots, Budweiser's, belt buckles, yeehaw, mullets, the side shave with the back long, flannel with the sleeves cut off. And you're like, oh, yeah, this is America. Right. This is a big fraction of America. And we're sitting here going, oh, man, look at that guy with the neck tattoo and the chain wallet and, you know, the labradoodle. Out there, it's a different world. It's like a big apple pie. Oh, yeah. Well, I know. When I move to Texas, I'm going to be all over that shuffleboard court. Oh, yeah. You're going to have to get some Spurs and a shotgun. I'll take my son to the Spurs game. It's only like an hour 40 to San Antonio. Is that right? Oh, yeah. Three hours to Houston. I'm doing it. Forget it. And Texas has so much. You got Houston is like the third biggest city in the goddamn country. Fourth. Fourth. What's three? Chicago. Ah, that makes sense. Then you got Dallas over there. It's a bit of a drive. But then you got Ohio. Then you got Austin. Then you got San Antone. Then you got all the Fort Worth, Plano. Arlington. Arlington. Barfa way out there. El Paso way out there. Barfa. Waco. Waco. Where's Texas Tech? Lubbock. Where Buddy Holly's from. Waco before you go-go. Galveston. And, you know, back in the day, Galveston was like a destination. It was a beach town. Right. But then the water got all polluted. And I think there was a serial killer. And it ruined everything. And, uh, you know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Who was this to? It was Robert Durst. Durst was a gal? That's where he killed his neighbor. And fucking put him under the, yeah, chopped him up and feed me to the poor. I killed them all. How about this? Oh, yesterday. How about this? So we got finally at 60 degrees outside. Oh, lovely. So we go down to Rockefeller Park in Battery Park City. It's beautiful down there. The park was nuts. The playground. I mean, there's 300 people running around. Yeah. Then we have this. It's all toddlers. It's a playground. It's slides, swings, you know, a playground. Sure. I'm not allowed. Then you get these kids. You get the big teenager, the 13-year-olds. Ah, yeah. Get out of here. There's like seven of them playing hide and seek or capture the cock, whatever the hell these kids are doing. Yeah. You sound like the guy in that movie. You're over the hill. Get out of here. You're too old, you bag. Well, it's terrible. So it's, I mean, it's literally one-year-olds, two-year-olds, three-year-olds running around playing. It's that sound of like, ha, ha, ha, skimmy, skimmy, baby, woo-hoo. And you just have like, no, you didn't get me. And they're running full speed. And I'm like, I want to trip one of these fucks, elbow him in the head, pinch his nipples, suck his dick, whatever it is. I just want to hurt somebody. It's like trick-or-treating. You know, you get the 14-year-old like, ding-dong, get the fuck out of here, you pubic-haired queef. Yeah. They get a roll of toilet paper around their head. They're like, I'm a mummy. And you're like, I'd like to fuck you, mummy, you piece of shit. And you. So, ho, testicle Tuesday. Look at this lady. I think that was May. So I go, I'm like, I'm going to beat the shit out of him. And then you just want him down. Like, come near my kid. I want to beat up a teenager. Oh, mamacita. So we're like, and at one point, this is great. One of them, like, ran by, just skated by. And Sarah goes, hey, stop it. Like, it was like the mousiest, like, hey, mister. And, like, they didn't even hear. We ended up doing it like this. Hey, you tried. She's like, yeah, that was bad. She's like, you son of a bitch. But then there's, like, it's hard to explain. You know, there's, like, big, like, a grid of ropes. It's like one of these things that hangs up here. And you can kind of sit in it like a, you know, it was like. Like a net. Yeah, a net. A big net. Yeah, a net bedding. A net Pollock, who's a comic in Boston you never heard of. Hamnet. What is it? Hamnet. Oh, Hamnet. Yes, Jessie Buckley. Make love to me. Buckley. I think she's married to a guy that's good. Jeff Buckley? No, he's dead. Oh, shit. Drowned. No way. Yeah, afraid so. Oh, yikes. Only, like, 40 years ago, though. Black guy? Nope. Anyways, so there's a little baby in the net. Baby net. That's what Epstein had. Just scoop him in. I don't know. These are stretches. She's in there. And then one of these kids goes running up. And he jumps on the thing. It's bouncy. He almost stepped on the kid. Oh. And the kid's mother is below the net. And she's like, hey. And then another mother, who had nothing to do with this kid, slapped him on the head. Whoa, the head slap. She goes, hey. Wow. She goes, watch it. And I was like, this lady's my hero. Hit him. She struck him. Wow. Is she Deacon Jones? And the kid was like, oh. Oh. Oh. And she's like, watch where you're going. That's crazy. Good for her. And then it was a black baby. And the black lady down here was like this. Thank you for that. And she gave him the fist. It was like a moment of mending racial harmony. Oh, I love it. Because this asshole almost stepped on a baby. She couldn't reach him. So she popped him upside the head. Wow. Hey, that'd be a great name for a mixed woman. Rachel Harmony. That's something. You see? This is how you got to the top. Rachel Harmony. But I love that. I love the moms coming together. No black, no white, no color barrier. We just want to protect the kids. She slapped him right in the head. I've never seen anything like it. I was like, that was unbelievable. And the kid just, you know, you think nowadays maybe the kid's going to sue or go tell his mother. Maybe he doesn't have a mother. I have no idea. Nah. But it was because they didn't have parents there. They're teenagers. Sure. And you want to go, the whole city is here. I know. Go play in the street. Go play on the sidewalk. Subway. Go play in the grass. This is crazy. You're in a playground. Yeah. Playgrounds for the children. Absolutely. But yeah, she fucking, right on the head. What? No, no. Top head, back head, front head. I would say it was like here. Kind of front, where the forehead meets the top of the head. It wasn't as hard as I'm doing. She did like that. Like a, hey, like an attention getter. But it's also good when a lady, if you did it, it'd be a different world, different story. But this, from a woman, is, we get it. But you could see it was just her natural react. Like she saw a 13-year-old kid almost step on a one-year-old baby, and she just went, ah, hey. Yeah. Well, also, it was probably brewing for a minute. When these kids are running around, the hatred was setting. We all hated them. Yeah. Good for her, mom. Hit that kid. You ever, you ever. Look at this photo. I want to own that. That is a miraculous photo. That's unbelievable. Look at that. Put it on camera real quick. Oh, look at Umar on the right. I never noticed Umar. Look at old. Yeah, I knew this would be a problem. Well, you post it in. You put it in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get that photo. It's got to be a Salicus. Oh, easily. Something like that. Somebody put the dog being thrown from Point Break-In as well. By the way, Salicus, I brought this up to you offstage. I'm watching all the footage from Skank Fest. I'm watching a 12-minute interview with Doug Stanhope. In the background, I just see Salicus having the time of his life. Not a camera anywhere near him. He's eating snacks. He's smoking a cigarette. It's me, Bennington, and Salicus. And he's like this. He's hitting on a girl. He's just telling stories. He doesn't even have a camera. Oh, that's gold. I watched it the whole time. I'll show you the video. I'm watching Stan. I'm not even hearing what Stanhope's saying. I'm just looking at this man I'm paying. Yeah. Just chit-chatting it up. Having a time of his life. Trying to bang Kim Congan in the back. He's figuring her. Now, see, you should make a sign, pay another guy to make all the compilation of Salicus eating snacks and eating girls out, and then send that right to him and go, you should be paying me for this, you queef. It's beautiful. I mean, don't get me wrong. His footage is amazing. When he was shooting, it was unbelievable. It was unbelievable, but man. So, you got an hour from him. It was great. And yeah, this movie is going to be, I'm telling you, this is going to be the all-time comedy documentary. Whoa, mama. Now, do you wait? Do you sit on it? Because, you know, do you want to put it out later, you know, after the years have gone by, when they can go, look what we had? Or do you want to put it out now while the fest is still cooking? Well, it's going to premiere at the next year's festival in November. But yeah, we got to put it out because I borrowed a lot of money from a lot of people. We got a lot of investors. We got to get this money back. Good point, Fetty. So, please buy it. But it's going to be unreal. I mean, Lewis is crying. We got Patrick Holbert is on the Gravitron with Lewis. Like, you got Lewis fucking going around and around. And like, Patrick's on there. And then Lewis has his own video. It's insane. Whoa. It's insane. We got stage diving, crowd surfing, drugs, mushrooms, crying. It's insane. I love it. I can't wait. And all these great interviews, too. Now, you could. You got so much footage. You could do a. DVD commentary. Absolutely. There's going to be a commentary. There's going to be a bonus stuff. It's going to be. I mean, we have a thousand hours of footage. It's crazy. Use the whole Buffalo, Fetty. Get all that footage out there. There was some Buffalos there. I'll tell you that. That's true. Yikes. He's talking to one. He was talking to everybody. Yeah. He put that camera in the corner and just chit-chatted it up. Buffalo Wild Wings. I never liked Buffalo Wild Wings. I don't love it either. It's not that great. It's not great. It's too bro-y in there, I find. Well, it's just kind of fine chicken. Columbus, Ohio. Is that where it started? Yeah. Ah, that's nice. Which I'll be in Columbus in just a few weeks. Hey, there you go. Doing a little Ohio run. Doing Youngstown, Toledo, Columbus. Oh, man. That's fun. That'll be a good time. I'm having a blast doing these short flights. I did Indy. That's like an hour and 13 minutes. I'm going to Buffalo this weekend. What's that? 14 seconds on a flight? Just goes whoop, whoop. And I love these heliums, Jerry. Good. Cap City. That's right. I'm doing that, too. I'm going down to Austin, doing Cap City, Mothership, and the Creek. I'm doing a little mix and match variety. I'll be there. I'll believe what I see. Well, that's what I was going to say. And this is one of the downsides of Austin. These people act like, oh, the other thing about Austin, you're in the middle of the country. So you're closer to all these things. And you're like, no, you're further. New York City is an hour and a half flight to Cleveland, Detroit, Cincinnati. Nashville, Raleigh, Charlotte, Chicago, Buffalo, Montreal, Toronto, Boston, D.C., Baltimore. It's like, no, this is way closer than Texas is. It's a shorter flight to L.A. There you go. It's a shorter flight, a little bit shorter to Denver. Yeah, those places, I guess. Right. But not by a ton. Seattle, Portland. It's like two hours closer to Seattle, an hour and a half, two hours. All right, all right. So there's something. There's something. And you get all of Texas. Yeah, New Orleans is closer, obviously. Sure, with no comedy there, really. Except for the festival. That's true. It's Gag Fest. Yeah, it's back there next year. Just keep it there, will you? Well, I think they'll stay there for a while. All right, I hope so. Boy, I'm excited. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I had something I lost. I think I got something else here, too. Oh, it hit me, Fatty. By the way, we're doing another episode this week. We better start writing. Oh, I got to run through traffic. Boy, did you see that, by the way? No. This bunch of high school kids. They had a beloved teacher. They love this guy. One of those real teacher-student bonds. Uh-huh. They go teepee his house for his birthday or something. You know, classic teepee. So he doesn't know what's going on. He sees a bunch of mayhem on his front lawn. He freaks out, and he runs outside and starts chasing the kids. He doesn't know it's his kids. Oh. And he gets hit by a car, dies. Oh. I know. Where was this? I hate to ask, Choo Choo, but you're going to have to goo goo. Teacher hit by car. Teacher hit by car. Toilet paper. Big prank. It was like out of love. Hey, let's go fuck with Dr. Johnson. That's like all the right moves. Remember that film? You see Leah Thompson's tits. That's right. I don't know if you've ever heard about that. But that's what they did. They teepee, and then they run, and then he sees Tom Cruise, and he kicks him off the football team. Oh, that's right. That's a hell of a picture. I forgot about that. What is it? U.S. teacher killed after toilet paper prank goes wrong. Prank goes wrong. There's no paper in there, is there? Oh, yeah, there's a toilet paper. Toilet paper? Let me see that. What is that? I got dyslexia. No, I'm fucked up. I can't read. You can read? But I get all the letters all mixed up. I got paper prank. After toilet paper prank. No, you're right. That's all that happened my whole life. I miss words. I can't read. Careful. Can't read. I was going to do a little Chris Rock there, but that's the second time I had to catch myself from comedians doing N-word bits. Yeah, well, they're good bits. The N-word's funny. I mean, most of my Twitter friends. My feed is like Bill Clinton looking at a picture and go, N-word reminiscent. And just the N-word makes the bits 80 times funnier. I've been saying it for years. I mean, any time a black comic or black person refers to Santa Claus as the N-word. Oh, my God, that's hilarious. This N-word's coming down your chimney? I'm like, he's calling Santa Claus an N-word. That's like the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. There's a picture of some black guy on a fashion show runway, and he's wearing all gold. And some black guy grabbed it and goes, N-word looks like a word that was original. I'm like howling on the toilet because it's so funny. They say fuck adds half a laugh. Edward adds like 500 laughs. Well, the greatest laugh thing, funniest thing of all time is Chappelle talking about Michael Richards. And he goes, this Edward's having a bad set. That is so funny. I mean, he's calling Michael Richards the Edward. Who's yelling the N-word. Yes. Now, have you seen this video? Then I'll leave you alone because now I'm turning into the Tosh.0 guy. But it's a black kid, young, cool black kid doing the man on the street, as you do. And he goes up to some fat old white guy and he goes, hey, man, are you right wing or left wing? And the guy is like, he's wearing like a chief's jersey or something. He's holding a beer. He looks a little right wingy. And the guy goes, why are you asking me that? What are you? And the black guy goes, I'm just an N-word trying to get paid and get laid or something. And the white guy goes, you're not an N-word. And he's saying it. He's like, you're not an N-word. Why do you have to say N-word? And he's saying N-word. And the black guy's like, what? Well, you can tell he's like squaring up. Like, would you call me? He goes, stop saying a N-word. You're not an N-word. You're better than that. And the black guy's like, oh, I am? And he like beat racism. Wow. So they became friends. Is this real? This is real. This sounds like AI, gay AI, or what do you call that? What do you call it? Set up. What's that called? Grok? Fake. We know what they call that. Deep fake? No, no. What do they call that? A set up. Is that what it is? This is a set up. No. Set up? This is, you know, they do a viral video. It's like they plan to have a viral video. Ah, set up and vote. What's the word? Set up? Set up and dribble? I don't know. We always look at Chuck, but I think Chuck is almost as dumb as we are. He doesn't know either. It's planted. It's a plant. It's a set it up. It's set up. Robert Plant. It's cooked. Planned. Staged. Staged. Staged. There you go. It sounds staged to me. Well, if it is, these guys should get it. Tony and Oscar and Emmy and a Webby, because they fucking nailed it. Well, I don't know. I'll send you the clip. You send it over to me. I don't know. But he cracked the coat. You know how they say when you're in a skid, you turn into it? That's what the guy did. He was like, I'm going into the N-word, and I'm going to call you an N-word by saying you're not an N-word. Well, you got to be careful with that now, because we know a guy who got fired and kicked out of the business. We do? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, out of the business, because somebody was like- Look, yeah, you N-word. And he's like, now, what do you mean when you say N-word? He said the N-word, and then they were all like, and he's gone. He can't. He doesn't work. He's a homeless person. He's picking your trash right now. Well, that's what I hate about the cancel shit, is this guy, I'm not going to give too much away. He was a booker for a very illustrious thing. Illustrious? Whatever. Prestigious? Prestigious. Thank you. Staged. And he didn't book a lot of people. So all the people who didn't get booked had a chip. Right. And so now, when he gets canned for the N-word, they come out of the woodwork about the N-word, but it's actually because they didn't get booked. Well, they also came out of the woodwork about a totally different stuff. Like, it was like, hey, this guy said the N-word, and then everyone was like, he also did this to me, which had nothing to do with the N-word. There you go. So I don't know. But hey, the guy's not my buddy. I don't want to sound like whatever. I don't care. But- Here, here. John, I lost the pillow. We'll never see that again. Damn it. I can't bend over there. So yeah, so sorry, but you've got to see that video. It's fascinating. All right. I'll check it out. I'll send it over. What was the other film I saw? The Bride, Crime 101, and- One more. I saw- Scream? What? Scream? No. No, no Scream. I saw- Oh, I've got to see Scream, but I saw the other thing. Scary Movie 6, the most viewed trailer of all time. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah, people are craving the comedy that, of course, Marlon Wayans, he directed. He's like, we're going back. Fuck cancel culture. We're going back to real comedy. So I think that was their marketing campaign. And I think it worked. Oh, Send Help. That's the other one I saw, which was awesome. I think we talked about it last week. That was number one, you think, out of those three? Out of those three. Yeah, I think so. But also, I saw a trailer for this movie called Passenger, horror movie. Best fucking horror movie trailer I ever saw. They shouldn't even make a movie. They should just leave it as is. Have you seen this trailer? Never heard of it. Oh, it's great. I was like, this is great. I fucking jumped- I was like, oh! What is he, playing with the radio? What does he do? What does Passenger do? Well, he's- He's driving in the woods, and then the other guy's like, hey, man, I gotta piss. I'm sorry. And he's like, and they slow play, and he's like, I just, I'm dying to piss. I'm sorry. And he's like, oh, God, all right, you go piss. And then he's in the woods, he's pissing, and then, you know, the car, the horn starts honking. The guy pissing goes, hey, what are you doing? Quit messing around. He comes back, and the guy's missing. Then his body goes smashing through the windshield. So he hits the gas. And then he's driving, and he keeps seeing, like, a guy at the side of the road just staring at him. And he drives more. Oh, my God, I gotta get out of here. Then the side of the guy, side of the road guy's there again. And he goes, whoa, that's crazy. There's a ghost on the side of the road. Then he drives again. And the third time he passes the guy, he looks over to follow the guy. The guy's in the car! Oh, yeah. Ah! Passenger! And I'm like, this movie shouldn't be made. They should just leave it as a short film, Passenger. I can't wait! It looks great. Oh, my God, is that a dick? It's smaller. All right. Holy hell, that's scary. I saw the whole thing in my mind. Yeah, you gotta see this trailer. You'll shit ice cream for a month. Yeah, because where do they go from there? You can't beat that. It's gonna stink, I know it. But anyways, so what do I got coming up? I got the big Ohio run. Ohio, O-H! I-O, my dad, 50 bucks. Thank you for that. Niles, Ohio, April 8th. Niles, eh? What are you, crazy? Kramer? Or what, no, Frazier. Crane. Sorry. Then the 9th, I'm in Toledo. Then the 10th and 11th, I'm in Columbus. I'll be staying in Cleveland the whole week, too. We'll see. Just joking. April 16th, 17, 18, Providence Comedy Connection, of course. Patriot's Day weekend. I'm always excited for that. Then the big Europe run, London. We already sold out the first show. Added a second show. We got Dublin, Belfast. Glasgow, by popular demand. Bristol. Whoa, mama! So get on that, you UK sons of onions. And then, what else do I got going on? Oh, Levittown, Governors. Poughkeepsie's coming up. Maybe that's already passed. I don't know. Maybe it's this weekend. Who knows? And Tom Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian, is out there. Go see the specials. They're all over a million, but let's keep them cooking. Keep them cooking, folks. When's this come out? Next week? No idea. Okay. I will be in Austin at the Creek of the Cave on the 19th. Then I'll be bopping around. Then I might do some L.A. spots. I'm doing Rich Eisen and a couple other folks. Oh, fun. Yeah, I got the publicist. Really ride me. Vets Theater. That's the big one. Providence, Rhode Island, Chuck. You know it well. I'll be there. It's one of the great theaters. I love that town. Do you see the mall? The mall? Live in a mall? Oh, dude. It's great. It's great. Really fun. Lexington, Kentucky. Almost sold out. Fort Lauderdale at the Improv. Raleigh, North Carolina. Back at Good Nights. It's been a while. Spokane, Philadelphia, Milwaukee, Irvine, California, Tempe Improv, Royal Oak, Michigan, and Hilarities at Cleveland, Ohio. And God forsaken anal, watch the special. My special comes out on the 17th. Oh, that's so soon. So this will be tomorrow. Whoa. So watch it tomorrow and like it, subscribe, whatever you do, Netflix. Netflix. So watch it on Netflix. It's called None. None Too Pleased. It's a hot hour. Really worked hard on it. And it's fun, irreverent, wacky, silly, and messy. Watch it. Yeah. It's not weird? It's not weird. So give it a whirl. And the Patreon. Woo! You got that right. Woo! That's the only way to describe this fucking thing. It's a hot one. Hot one. We're about to do an up right now. Maybe we'll do a hot gay queef or a queef in the city. What's it called? I don't know. Queef TV. We'll do that Thursday. Because you probably didn't bring the setup. Thursday, Queef TV. Love it. All right. Thank you, folks. We'll see you in hell. Patreon special, The Road, Skank Fest. Chuck. He doesn't have a mic. The mic's broken. The mic's broken. Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. And also, we are doing a very big project in Rhode Island. We need some funding. Hit me up at Discount Chuck on Instagram or Twitter. Want to give a big shout out to Robert from Sheath. Oh, Robert Patton. Robert Patton. Huge contributor to this project. Heard it here. What the fuck? Yeah, I know. He didn't contribute to Skank Fest. Yeah, Sheath. So, yeah. Check out Sheath. But, yeah. If you want to contribute and be part of it, hit me up at Discount Chuck on Instagram or Twitter. Thank you, buddy. All right. We appreciate it, Bobby Patton. Veteran. Whoa, look at the size of that cock. Looks like Wilson Vince. Quite a hefty hog we got here. Huel. Huel. All right. Let's read some ads. My father's gay. Georgia St. Cutter. Thank you. We love you.