#644 Abraham LinkedIn

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hitter in the face of the surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfed up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah this Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey folks schedules got a little whack and do but we're gonna make it right that the pot is still gonna come out just gonna come out Tuesday it is Tuesdays with stories after all yeah next week next week except next week's app will be out Tuesday because I'm going to Austin you're going to New Mexico Vegas Arizona someplace shay shay so shay shay gay gay so just hold it hold your horses yeah hit me hit me hit me if you man right to chuck tell me pieces shit yeah get really really irrational upset with us for the episode coming out yes eight hours later than normal we're not in the Epstein files over here just coming out a 12 hours later I know we're very busy we got a lot we're traveling I'm in Austin you're in Vegas so yes Georgia saying cut it we'll see you now we're here baby we're queer do you tell you sick all day took a huge dump this big I'm back sick all day we're sick now I'm going on vacation I dumped it out it's out by the way thank God I chain I've wore the shirt for five straight days I'm so glad I took it off fanbletics fanbletics fanbletics America baby right here we're bringing home the gold by the time this comes out we'll be gold medalists who curling fuck in a baby the Olympic suck my dick except for hockey very boring the one lady felt her a dress pants split open like four to split open yeah I saw like one lady fell like she kept spilling which ran in the old gum and joke why do they get fell maybe it's a so damn slippery out there he's a funny guy there's a lot of fun stuff going on you go back for the drama no one's actually watching this shit straight through I'm watching a bunch but I've said this every four years or two years whatever the Olympics are every six months now the problem with the Olympics is it's so hard to know where we're at what's at stake you're watching a skater and I'm like they skate whoa it's amazing they all high five I'm like did she win gold is it the first round is the second round is the preliminaries is the qualifier I have no idea they should say this lady skating if she comes in the top 10 she makes it to the next round that's why I like the hockey tournament it's like this guy wins they keep going this they lose they go home yeah skiing say they jump three hundred miles I'm like is that good was that bad I know the jumps he's flipping in flop but I'm like is he having a seizure or is this we counting every duck and roll and half these sports like curling it all looks the same ski long jump it looks the same yeah fuck it's called and then ski down the slope thing sorry for the slur bleep that this ski and it's like you gotta look at the clock I'm like are they doing well or not I don't know like in summer Olympics it's two guys running and you're like oh look he's close yes he might catch him the black one of win but anyway and Derek had a fine point or an interesting point an interesting idea and a big Eric why don't they make basketball winter Olympics winter Olympics do much less it's indoor it's in they play it indoors it's they play it during the winter interesting and the winter Olympics don't get the ratings yeah throw the NBA in there I would think that's a great point you can throw more indoor it's shooting and all that stuff archery all that crap how about flag football is going to be an Olympic sport no yeah oh that's it we used to be a country I mean a world of planet oh my god flag football skateboarding got in I didn't see that coming no not in a million years by the way my tea I ordered a tea I just came from Starbucks I pre-order whatever you call that mobile I got a brownie in a box brownie was sitting there I shoved the brownie right out my ass comes out the same they never made my teeth they're up there doing the chip all kinds of slushy bullshit drinks and I had to leave I just I just donated four dollars to Starbucks well send the chew chew well if only we had somebody who doesn't have all that much to do while recording to walk over there and pick up a tea that's already been there but he's watching the WWE vault over there oh god yeah it doesn't matter it doesn't mean you don't want to go to the one in target right I'll go I'll go I'll go yeah it's not in target it's in the not the one in target it's the other way it's the Barclay it's in the building downstairs no no it's upstairs street level street level yeah that's what I mean it's on the outside so it's not downstairs it's right on the sidewalk it's I look it up we'll go you got the Starbucks app don't you you go down Hanson you take a left Hanson right in there yeah good band you'll see it oomba pop your way over there if I'll get you a brownie I'll give Audrey a quarter two Audrey get a coffee I'll Venmo you right now I'll do I'll do a small probably not even in there they probably never made it yeah or a hobo picked that warmth she would never made it well don't forget should I order something you want something are you sure yeah all right but you got to do the thing with later on I'm an asshole and you go I went over got a coffee I know you I got to give you extra money or a brownie or something you want to take the skateboard you're like the mom you hold the hold the grudge oh I remember soda my the love of my life my best buddy dance soda he would be like I'll get a cab this one we were brought and I was like wow awesome and then like 30 minutes with Pat he's like saying about every Tom Dick and Harry cuz he knew how that he knows how to work it he's he's shaking hands glad handing him like buddy I thought we were leaving he's like hey you yelling at me I'm paying for a cab like right but if I know we were doing a Tom Dick and Harry could buy I get my own kid I would have been on the train yeah I want it home by now that's a good move smart move anyways people pay for things they think they were in the world they got that straight well hey Prince Andrew got popped what's that mean oh he got arrested oh really Epstein oh nice things are cooking they got a Norwegian cleaf he's off to the slammer and now they got a Prince Andrew all right the Americans are fine well these he's Epstein guys my god it's a tangled web show a little class which reminds me of the old Seinfeld when the Monika wins key he's like if you're gonna have an affair show some class and if you're gonna fuck sexy be cool about it you know the whole ring well I don't know why they you know when you go to a party and the guy snapping photos like all right man we're trying to have a good time here who's the guy Epstein going yeah good boy maybe was selling with that not be unbelievable if we turned out Matt Salis was taking all those photos well the photos will be shake here I haven't seen Sally in a minute I was he doing he alive he's good some last night yeah he's around okay he's moving and shaking what do you got I guess I'll order but I already order there should be a drink there but I'll order again it's gonna be chilly all right I'll order I'll order a mine because that way you know you're not paying because then you'll hold out over my head by the way I thought I'm sorry let's edit this out oh you think this is good stuff what do you mean the public want to know people flip when we go through the Starbucks but I'm just saying we didn't I'll pass it around no good it's up to you I forgot what's gonna say uh damn threw me off what they edit who flips what do you mean well what do they I don't read the comments I quit the comment I blocked read it I blocked you too I blocked everything looks the what's the beef I don't want to hear Joe order Starbucks and talk to Chuck oh oh they'll be okay to get the engagement up there okay there's some Joe we got we got Joe stay off of that shit you got to get out of there yeah by the way I put time limits on Twitter I blocked oh I blocked good for you you're off GBT already than the free life chat GBT you were raving about it a week ago no no I blocked the words a half my algorithm because they got me Jerry they kept me like we're gonna die tomorrow we're gonna die next week I'm gonna die a month fuck you you found this a robot my mother's a robot my father's gay yeah my father's AI so yeah so I'm taking care of is it get a coffee go ahead put yourself hey they'll take a honey hot coffee small with a little milk they'll be okay this is going to be one of the best episodes ever I'm sitting on a gold mine yeah if you're here you're only gonna knocks up over this is for for the best blonde rose sun Sarah yeah I'll try a blonde I don't want you drinking Sarah why don't you get a medium I see yeah you can't have Sarah all right then you want some milk in there Chuck can put the milk in he's good the milk in who told you to put the bomb on I didn't put the bomb on you know what I think get a cookie come on you gotta hold it I know you're gonna hold it a celser you hold you hold oh boy Selik you stick that great photo at the wedding oh that was nice you want a cookie a croissant now I'm okay I already had a lot of sweets how about this Peter rabbit organics these little squeezy boxes Derek my best friend was eating them every morning and finally some guy work goes why eating baby food dude you had no idea he thought it was just like snacks my kid loves those about mine too he's got a little bunny on it yeah fucking child here's a special needs weirdo oh he's got special needs all right they were serving those at Epstein's Island all right it's ordered baby hey he's gonna be under Joseph so you can get out there in about 45 minutes flat 139 flat bush avenue can't listen take rolling down oh you can miss it it's actually tucked in there, pretty hidden. - But there'll be a hobo outside screaming. - There'll definitely be a hobo, sexual. - Yeah. - Are you gonna come in my drink or spin it in? I can feel a vibe here. - I'm always caught. - You never get me stuff, no stuff. - Oh, I've been in stuff, you've made a couple of time. Maybe twice. - Oh, we have footage. - I think one battle after another is a masterpiece. I've watched it three times. - It's very good. - That is one hell of a picture. - Very good, the rolling hills, Lee. I love Leo fighting with that kid at the doorstep. - The whole thing's amazing. - Any one of those they, thems? - Do you like black girls? - I love 'em. - It's incredible. - Oh yeah. - Yeah, please put it there. - A touch. - Just a touch. - A little cream. - Oh, would you remove my T-bag, too? 'Cause I don't want it to be too caffeinated. - Is that your real jacket? (laughing) - I'm having a nice time. - What is he talking about? He doesn't know what the fans like. They love this. - He reads them, he wants to edit them. - Well, I don't like the reading. - Yeah, reading sticks. - Readings game. - What are you gonna do? - I'm on my list by the way, I went to Target earlier. - Oh boy. - A bag is a nickel now. Put it on my list of shit that used to be free. - I know, bags got somebody. What the hell's happening? Chuck is pointing it. Oh, he did always do it a bit. - I think he said he quit. - He did a little gag. God, I hope so. - Well. - We haven't had Chuck in a long time. It's been all Lex and Faso. - Yeah, yeah, Lex and Lexus. But yeah, yeah, the other thing is I swear to God, they're gonna charge for milk eventually. Now you get the milk on the counter. - That's coming. - That's 20 cents. - Put that in your pipe and juice on it. - You're probably right. Yeah, and I think all the Chatchee BT's and the Clods and the thing, that's gonna be $20 a month. - Easy. - No problem, coming right up. - They get you hooked, you need it. And then when they charge money, you go, I gotta have it. - Yeah, yeah. We're fucked, but anyways, we're here. The show's free, it's always free. The Patreon's not. That cost $500 a month. - Just kidding, it's $4 a month. - That's that much we make. - I think it's $6 a month. - Yeah. - I think it's like $6 a month. - I got tons of stuff. I have got a lot of information. - I got my gonna get you money too. - Please. Yeah, we're at the end of the month, the gut's eggs. - Period. - It's the first of the month. - I miss my uncle Charles. - What was I about to say? - Well, I just had the craziest, I had one of these three flights and I woke up in the fours and flew 4 a.m. - Oh, I ate the fours. - Three days in a row, alarm off in the fours. Three flights. It was wacky. That's a goddamn nightmare. - And I was all, I wasn't me, Jerry. It was like a low-flow shower head. I just couldn't get going. - Right, right. - So I'll take you right through it. - Please. - Wednesday, I flew to C-Tack, which is an actual town. It's like, it's between Seattle and Tacoma, but it's, so you think it's short for Seattle Tacoma. - Right. - But that's actually the name of a town. - Oh, I thought it was the taint between the butthole and the pus. - I thought so too, but it's just C-Tack is a place you live. I'm from C-Tack, Washington. - Damn, how about that? - Which I think I like Tacoma more than I like Seattle. - Whoa, what's going on there? - Well, Tacoma is beautiful, it's underrated, it's quiet, it's got like one little section of gnarly. - Yeah. - Seattle's got tons of gnarly. - It's all gnarly. - So gnarly. - I don't know, I like it, but it's both are great, of course. Anyway, so I flew, woke up at 7 a.m. flight, woke up at 4.30 in the morning, get out to JFK, all the way out there. You fly across the nation, and I get picked up by my friend Erica Derrick's wife, had a great time, we bullshit it, catching up, it's nice, I used to go there every three weeks. - I remember. - So it's sad now because you're like, you know, the kids are old, they got a boyfriend, and a girlfriend, they're married, they're pregnant. - Sure. - And you're like, "God, that's so crazy," and you see them, and you don't have the, you could feel, you don't have the heat you had before. - Oh, I love the heat with children. - 'Cause they used to be five and eight, they'd go nuts, I'd blow out of there, and stand on my head and take a shit in my mouth. Now it's like, I fuckle Joe. - They still call me fuckle, which is nice, but it's like this, hello, fuckle Joe. - Oh, they get old and angsty. - I know, it's crazy. - You lose the innocence. - So it's like, it was like a, what do you call that? Double edged sword, bittersweet. - Bittersweet. - Because you're like, I'm back, but I'm flying to Vancouver the next morning. So you know that feeling where you can't really sink into the hang? - Yes, I know the sink. - It's like I'm there, but I'm like, I have a flight the next day at 7 a.m. - So I'm like, all right, it's like the old Dane Cook joke when you sleep late, and you're like, I have exactly enough time to do nothing. - Before work, so you get there, they have a hot tub now. - Yeah. - Which is pretty fun. He bought a $35,000 hot tub. - Oh, this is guy, fucking Bill Clinton. - I think it was a big mistake, but he's got a big old six seat hot tub. - You have a bunch of Asian business men in there? - It's beautiful. You gotta get in a hot tub over there. - I love a hot tub. - 'Cause it's wintery, it's a wintery mix. It's chilly, and they got the big tall green trees up there. - Oh yeah. - I might move. I swear to God, I'll do it. - Pacific Northwest, baby, here I come. - You sink in there, you're sitting in the hot tub. It's great. I had forced a guy, I was like, I'm away from the baby. I'm there for a day. I'm like, take me straight to the cigar store, I bought 350 cigars. - Hell yeah. - You hit that hot tub, the stars are out, whatever, but I was just anxious 'cause you're like, what do you wanna do? I'm like, well, I've just traveled all day. I woke up at 4 a.m. I'm so tired. - Yeah, do you get a nap on the plane? - A little bit, it's tough to nap. - Tough to nap, hard to nap. - Thing about it. But anyways, he hadn't seen one battle after another, so it's like, you gotta put this movie in your ass. And so we watched it, he's like, this is amazing. And he's one of these guys, too. He's got a job and a wife. - Right. - He's like this, what is it? - I'm like, you haven't heard of this film? - And they go, how long is it now? - Like, you never heard of it? - Yeah, these dads, he's got so much free time. - Right. - It's limited. - So anyways, it was fucking great. We have the hot tub, we sit out there, we played some shit, they have a big trampoline now, too. Which, when's the last time you jumped around in a trampoline? - I love a tramp, I grew up on trampolines. - Your gas, you have to do it. I didn't realize it's like exercise. - Oh, it worked the core, Jerry. - I was bouncing and then Eric gets in, and she's, we're two adults, so we have a little kid in there. We were sending him to the fucking mobile bounce. There's no joke. - It was crazy, and then you play crack the eggs. So you got to go like this, and then you know, two jumps and he's like, well. - Yeah, but you realize how dangerous that metal coil is a death circle. - Well, I said it as I'm bouncing around. Now, I'm 44 years old for God's sakes, and soon. And in the middle of it, I'm like, isn't this kind of dangerous? She's like, oh yeah, and you're in the woods and all the stuff, my father's gay. And one leg goes through that open area, and your balls are gone. - I mean, ankles, knees, the whole thing, and then the kids rolling underneath you, and you're like, what are you doing? I'm about like seven feet in the air. - I know. - He's like, running underneath me, I'm like, what the fuck are you doing, you little piece of shit? - That and diving boards were just like a neck snapper. - Absolutely. - So that was supposed to be how we went trampoline, and then, I bought him a kettlebell. - Wow, 40 pounder. - You didn't fly with that. - No, no, it's Amazon, but then I got it, so I was showing them the kettlebell action. They haven't touched it since it's collecting dust. - That sounds about right. - But it was nice because you hit the trampoline, you hit the kettlebell, I actually got to work out. - Hey, you need that after those flights, the kill you. - So you jump into the hot tub, that's fun. In the next morning, we wake up, send the kids off to school, you wait for the bus, so you go get a breakfast, you get a donut, we went to Pao's donuts, shout out into coma, best donut in America. - They go Pao out. - B-A-O. - Is it a Filipino brother? - I think they're all Filipino or Vietnamese, whatever it is, I watched that duck on the plane one time. - Yeah, so do I. One of those jungle people. - It's like 80% of the donuts in America are from, is it Philippines? - I thought it was Vietnam. - Maybe it's V. - I thought it was a Vietnam, they fled the war, and then they were like, we'll make some donuts. - Maybe it is, yeah, maybe it is. - Maybe I'm wrong. - Yeah, well, either way. - I'll check and look it up if he wasn't getting this coffee. - This guy's good for nothing. - Any fart, there might be two teas over there, by the way. - That's true. - But anyways, so the next night, I'm in Vancouver. Now please interject, 'cause I'm just going through this question. - Ah, man, I'm riveted. - So the next day, I'm going to Vancouver. - No one knew you couldn't get a good hang in, 'cause the clock's ticking. - Well, and there's something about international travel. - Yeah. - You need the passport. So every 10 minutes, you're like, do I have my passport? - Oh, that's true. - Especially these days. - Yeah, you're like, I'm doing this all day long. Fuck me, the passport. And then there's just something, you get there, and now Canada, America has this fucking rival rigs. - Exactly. - And you got the hockey jersey on, they don't like that. - So I had my face painted, just black, but whatever. - So like, you fly, there's just, you're just unsettled. - Yes, yes, settled. - And the traffic from Tacoma to Seattle, and then your friends driving you. So it was just stressful. - Yeah, it's like trying to jerk off with a time window. - Exactly. - And you're like, oh, I can't get a groove. - I can't see Peter. Also, I'm going to Vancouver. I have two shows, but two different venues, which is funky. - Wait, what? - Well, we sold out the first show, the Rio Theater, which is a movie theater. - Oh, fun. - We sold that out, but then they had another show coming in already. It's a festival, it was JFL Vancouver. - Got it. - But that's the other thing that makes it a little more stressful. You get so used to your life. You're like, go to the hotel, I have my opener. I jerk off, I look at the Epstein files. - Sure. - But now, I don't have my regular opener. It makes sense to bring Matt all the way to Vancouver. So I'm like, I don't have my opener. I'm in two different venues. - In two nights. - In the same night. - Oh, in the same night. Whoa, that's unheard of. - And I took the later flight, 'cause I want you. to maximize my time with my buddies. - Maximus. - So you fly there and you're like, "All right, I have 80 minutes to go for a walk "or nap or jerk off and shower before I get picked up." So it was very stressful. I bet Jakov Smirnoff in the elevator. - Oh, in Russia, elevator rides you. So 75 years old, new baby. - What get out of here? - That's what I heard. - Wow, better than an old baby. - By the way, you think he's a tall guy. How tall do you think that guy? - I think he's about 5'8. - I thought he was like 6'6. - Really? - Yeah, in the old videos. I thought he was like a big tall guy. - Also, I assume Russians are big men. I think 'cause of Rocky or Putin. - Right, good point. Yeah, so he was little. I met him on the elevator, he was very nice. - Oh, winkle. - Was also funny, 'cause he's like, "I'll be seeing you around." And I'm like, "Well, I've been doing comedy 25 years. "We've been doing it 50. "We just bumped into each other for the first time." - Yeah. - Where am I gonna see you? - Exactly. Not gonna happen. - But anyways, not gonna work here anymore. Anyways, so I meet him and just like I was saying, you got an hour, so you're like, "Should I jerk off? "Should I watch the news? "Should I do push-ups, should I go outside?" - I know, those small windows are tough 'cause I ended up looking at my phone. And then there you go, "Oh, 30 minutes went by. "I had 60." Now it's half. - Down to 30. So I went out, walked around, H-Pull-A, came back and got picked up. Go to the Rio Theater, which I'm like, "Hey, great theater. "This is exciting. "350 seats sold out." It's like an old cinema. It's like a movie house. - Yeah. - It's got ceilings. - Yeah. - 580 feet high. - No, one of these theaters are dying. - So I'm like, "Oh, all right." And then the opener who was very funny, Samuel, it was his last name, Sh*t. - Beckett. - No. - Clemens. - He had a great bit. Josh Samuel. - Ugh. - Fuck. Trevor Samuel. - I have to plug it in. - Yeah, boy. - Samuel. - He didn't need a chuck. He was funny. - Samuel. - He had a great chuck, he goes, he's like, "It's a Jew." I don't really like this, they them stuff. He's like, "That was our pronoun." - Uh-huh. - We had that pronoun way before. All through time, people have been like, "What are they up to?" - Oh. - We gotta round them up. - Hey. - He's like, "To this day, if you're traveling abroad "and someone's like, what are they doing?" They're like, "The Jews." - That's good. - That's good. - He had some great bits. - Call in, if you know this, Jew. - Oh, Adam Sandler, Samuel. - Samuel's the last name. - Okay. - Samsonite. - I don't know, that was a Jew-y name. - Well, I don't know, he's a. - The dad's a Samuel. - Oh. - Jacob. - Jacob Samuel. - That's a Jew. - J.S. - J.S. - J.S. - J.S. - There you go. - J.S. - John Steinbeck. - Hey folks, Tuesday stories brought to my blue chew. 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Fab Lettics already has incredible deals, but we've got an exclusive offer just for Tuesdays with Stories fans. Get 80% off everything when you sign up as a VIP. Just head to fabletics.com/tuesdays. Take a quick style quiz and be sure to select Tuesdays when prompted to unlock your 80% off. You can't beat that, that's fabletics.com/tuesdays. Fab Lettics. - So I go to the Rio and they're like, he's like, yeah, this room is, you know, it's gonna be what, and I'm like this. Oh boy. - Yeah. - This is my big, this is my big theater show. - I hate it, I'll never do a movie theater again 'cause they serve popcorn and I bomb so hard, I can hear the show, I'm like, I'm out. - It smelled like popcorn and it was good. It was fun, it was like a good show. - All right. - But you're like, this is not hot. So you finished the show and it was not, they were all very nice, it was very good, good show, solid show, nice. - Okay. - Then we're off to the, fuck, I forget the name of it. Some rock and roll club. - Ooh, do you feel cool? You're leaving one club to do another. - It feels very cool, you're not used to doing two shows in two different venues. - Yeah. - So we get in and he's like, this show's gonna be way better, way hotter. Now I feel bad because these are all people that didn't buy the first ones, like the diehards. They bought up the seats first. - They scooped them. - So these are the, they scooped the nibblets. So this is the second group. We travel across it's kind of a city or neighborhood. We go in the back. This is like the ceiling you can touch. It's like a cellar. It's a rock club, low stage, the stage is this high. - Wow. - Everything I love, hot as show of my life. - Come on. - I'm not kidding. The number one best crowd reaction audience, headlining show I've ever done. And the whole time I'm thinking, these poor people. - And the Rio. - They bought the tickets up. They were like, oh, Joe, this is coming. Give me those tickets. And then you add a show in a much better venue. - Wow. How many seats was that? - I don't know. 200 something like that, 300. - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks. - So, remind me of when I did Toronto in 2017 with Louis, we did the scotious, like the arena. And then he added Massie Hall, legendary Massie Hall. And that show, again, 18,000 people bought tickets before this one. It's like a 300 times better. They got the better show. - Thomas Massie. - So you want to say, hey, wait for the second show, but who knows if there'll be a second show if you don't buy the first tickets? - I wonder if the locals, they know the venues. So they're like, yeah, Rio. Whoa, look at this one. This is way better. They made it known it was the hot room. - I mean, it was fire, but it's all about the setup. 'Cause the rest of my life, if I become Shane Gillus, I want to work on a stage three inches high with people sitting right there. - I know, it's just better. It's just better for our medium. - You're like, what do you want to blow me a bitch? (screaming) - Exactly. - The movie theater, you're like, look at that guy. It's just, it was so intimate and rock and roll. If people are gonna take a piss, you think they're coming on stage. You're like, Jesus fuck, I think it's a laugh. - I always say comedy's supposed to be like an orgy. It's gotta be a little sticky, a little hot and tight. - I like that. - You don't want it all, you don't want a warehouse orgy. You're gonna, whoa, who's that fat chick over there? You know, it's too far. You want it connected. - A small room, this is a good orgy room right here. - This is an orgy room. - Something to think about. - All right, I'll get the oil. - Boy, Chuck's been gone a while, and I feel bad. He's got, you know, he's not swift and there's some narrow duels around here. - Yeah, yeah, something's up. That was my parents are in town. And they're like, subway guys. They're like, oh, we'll take the subway. And I'm like, it's 11 p.m. Let me get you an Uber, like we won't take an Uber. So they'll just go out to Barclays in the rain with these crazy trench coats on, and they're old with a cane, and they're just wandering amongst the derelicts. - Didn't he fall too, like three weeks ago? - Yeah, he fell, it wasn't pretty. - Oh, geez. - You know how he fell? - Are they up there? - I don't know. - No, no, they're out here. They're out the lunch in the city, thank God. - Hey! - Hey! - It's what I got! - Look at this guy, our hero, Dave Browney. - The producer of all time. - No Browney? - I ordered a Browney. - This feels like a Rupert's game. - This is hilarious. I went there earlier, I got a Browney and a T. They gave me the Browney, but not the T. So now I have given them one Browney and one T. I've donated $10 to Starbucks. - You got some Browney on your lip there. What's up with that? - You also got a Browney and a T overall. Yeah, that's pretty good. Here you go, you got a big ass coffee. - Oh, I wanted a little guy, but thank you, sir. - You did the ordering. - All right, thank you. - Thank you, Chuck, you're a good man. Thank you, spider. - Thank you, Chuck. - Oh, I just spilled on my nuts. - No, Sueum, like that McDonald's bitch. - Oh, yeah. - The tour is a balls open or a vagina open on it. - Did you see that duck? - No. - It's amazing. - Are you talking the ducker? - Yeah, no, it's, oops, sorry. - It's crazy and it's horrible. She had like fucking horrible burns all over her pussy and then Seinfeld and everyone like made fun of her. It was like the worst thing that's ever happened. - Remember that Geraldo joke? - Oh, I got one of my favorites. - That's a great joke. He's like, she had a headline. said, man burns his genitals in the shower. And he's like, it's a hell of a way to test the water. And he does a whole act out of it. - What are my favorite jokes? - I think he's balls into the shower. Yeah, good times. - Anyways, whatever that show, whatever that second menu was, one of the best shows of my whole fucking life. - Wow. - It was insane. It was like, it was crazy. - You ever try to do when you have these great shows or bad shows do the psychology? You know, you got a 4 p.m. show sells out 'cause you sold out the other two. And you're like, well, are they gonna be hot? Because they're like, yes, he put another one on there or are they gonna be horrible? Because they're like, you're lucky we showed up at 4 p.m. - Right. - So you always try to do the psychology. So with that one, I wonder, did they see a second show get added? They were like, hell yeah. - Well, I think that's part of it. But I think it's all venue. This venue is pitch black. Like the Rio, I could see every face in the place. It's kind of lit. It's a 45-foot high stage. - Not a face act. - Deep room. I mean, this one was pitch black low on you. And I think that's a lot of it. - Hell yeah. - It has a little later. It was a bar of a bar. If people were probably drinking more. - Yeah, so I like that. I'm doing Pittsburgh and they go, "Hey, you wanna do the improv?" And I don't really love that improv. I don't know if you've been there. - Yeah, I have done it. - Some time it's out in the burbs, it's retards, whatever. So I said, "I'll do Pittsburgh. "I'll do two at the improv." And he goes, "We got this crazy rocker room "that all like the alt guys like, "like the Kyle Canaines and those types." And I said, "Put me two nights in there." "So I'm doing two at the improv, two in there." Mix it up. - I like that. - So you get to do Pittsburgh, but you're not just stuck in a corporate chain club. - And the audience, they get to chew. - Yeah, like, that is a gnarly dude. That was like a-- - Oh, he stopped. Oh my God. - What's that guy, the Denzel movie? Book of Eli. That guy had like, fucking dirt on him from the biblical. - Yeah, he had socks on his hands like mankind. - Big white hood dirty. - Yeah, that was like, that was a Cooke. - Cooke and a half. - Anyways, yeah, I think that's nice because you give, you give options out, which is nice and I don't know. - And we were in our partner in our career, we can dilly dally a little bit. Hey, let me do a little this, a little that. You got some options. - Yeah. - So I was like, "Please have me in whatever room." - Options is big. - Oh yeah. So let me throw this one at you. - Please. - Oh, off the dick. - So parents are coming in town and this is a big step for my parents. They go, "Hey, we're coming in town. "We want to see the boy. "We're old. "Who knows how much time we have?" He's gay. So I said, "Good idea. "Come on up." And they go, "No problem. "Do you mind, how many miles do you have? "Do you mind covering our flights?" Which they never would do. So that was a big deal that they asked. So I was like, "I got you." So I hit my guy. I said, "Get my parents to first class flights. "They've never flown first class." - Wow. - And I said, "Good. "Two first class flights, two New York, two LaGuardia, "then the sweet in the pot." I said, "Hierad, come guzzling limo. "I'm talking tinted windows, black car. "The guy with the suit and the little hat and the sign." - All right. - "I want an airport pickup." - All right. - And the guy was like, "You all right, I'm on it." So I spent all the money. Then I got him theater tickets. What a son. - What theater? - A show. - Oh, Mary. - Oh, Mary? - That's the hot show with all. It's a Mary Todd, Lincoln's wife. - Oh, no Mary Todd. - Yeah, it's a county by Lincoln's wife and her side of the story. - Boy, Lincoln just keeps cooking this guy. - They've got this billboard movie. You got the theater. You got the penny, the nickel, whatever the hell he's on. - John Wilkes Booth had a show for a minute. - It's crazy. I mean, that Lincoln really freed those slaves and my god, he's lasting. - Don't forget the penny. - I think I said the penny. - Oh, he said the penny. - Yeah. - They might be retracting the penny. - Jammed and did that. They're way ahead of us. - Penny lane, but either way. So, and he got the Lincoln car. - Lincoln Memorial, Lincoln Tunnel, Lincoln, Nebraska. - Oh, Lincoln logs. - Oh, man, you're right. Lincoln is moving. - Lincoln, that's a-- - Lincoln. - Jane and the Lincoln. - Hey, we're having Lincoln. - Okay. - Thank you. - Okay. - Okay. - Thank you. - All right. - Um, so. - Oh, this is cold. - Ah, jeez. - Fucking chuck. - Mine's blazing hot. - This might have been the original one. - Ah. - Is it chipped there? - Oh. - So they just fucked me on the first one. I've just donated money over there. Ah. You know what it is? Nobody gets tea there. We're in a black neighborhood. We're in a bunch of rough necks. No one's getting fucking tea. - I guess so, but it comes out of sticker pumps out and says, "Bore this." - Yeah, it's a black tea. - It was hot when I did your short steep for you. Well, you took a long time getting back. Did you get lost? We were worried about you. - No. - Oh. - Check your only foot. - You know what, check the time. You can check the time on the side. See if it's the original. - Ooh. - That would be time. - Well, it's all faded. 247 PM. It's the original. - Wow. - It's the original. - 247 PM. - Well, it must not have been ready. - When you're done here, you can go get yours on the way home. - That's the other one. - It's crazy. There was no other one. - The one is it tastes very steep. It's all very extremely steeped up. - Steep is good, right? You want steeped? - 247 PM. - That's a long steep. - And I left there at 257 PM. So that's 10 full minutes. - Man. - Then they hadn't started making it. - That's exactly what must have happened. Because there was no other cups there that were hot even. - So both times it took 10 minutes. But that's what's crazy. They're making all these pink drinks with a fucking side of cup. - This is just water. - Yeah, you got that right. - Oh my God, seriously? - We're going, we're going. - All right, this is a steep price. All right, so. - The parents are here, you got the theater tickets. - So I got them on a first class seat. They're excited. My mom's like, "Oh my God, you didn't have to do this. "Bubble, blah, blah." So I go, "Well, text me when you land. "Can't wait to hear from you. "I got a surprise." So they're like, "Oh, okay." So I got, I text the guy, he's the chauffeur's down there with the signs, he's got the hat, he's ready. And so I go do a pod. So then I get off the pod and I got a million texts from the chauffeur. And I was like, "Huh, what's up with this?" But I was busy. And then my text by mom, "Yet, the hotel." And she was like, "Yeah." And I was like, "How's that ride?" She was like, "Ah, a little smelly." And I was like, "Wait, what?" They missed the guy. - They just walked by. - My parents have such low self-esteem. They saw a guy with a sign that says, "Liz and Rick Normand." And they went, "Anate for us." - They walked by. - Come on. - I swear to God. - That's on the guy. - Fuck that guy. - I lost them. - This guy should be looking out for them. You should say, "Hey, look for these two assholes." - They're two elderly Nazis with a limp and dandruff. And he missed them. - Did you send a photograph and say, "Keep your eyes peeled." - Nah, I shouldn't have done a photograph. But I figured, "Hey, this guy's got a publisher's clearinghouse check with their name on it. They can't miss it." - Well, I think these people, they're from the fifties. They think I'm getting run, that's a trick. 'Cause I think all these people look at the city as like New York City heads up, duct tape your wallet to your asshole. - They're gonna swivel. - They're gonna fucking come. They're gonna take on necklaces. They're gonna rape our wives. And if they saw the sign, they probably were like, "Oldest trick in the book." - They probably Googled, "Who's on the plane?" Came up with a name. 'Cause you know, the people in other countries are calling them on the phone saying, "You want publishers' clearinghouse. We got free movie tickets." They probably thought it was a rook job. - I guess so, but it was a big rook in my ass. 'Cause I wasted all the money and all the effort. 'Cause you want that moment. You want to like, "Oh my god, he got a cigar." My dad's a big, he's a big queen. So he, he'll get in the back of that thing like Kevin McCallister and start pouring drinks. - So what did they do? They just got a yellow cow. - They got an Uber, like a bunch of robes. - Oh, jeez, robers. - And they spent, they spent, they spent, they spent all his money getting an Uber 'cause they're staying up in 66th Street. - Fuck on the stand so far away. - They got a free hotel from a friend. - They got fucking free everything these people. - Yeah, yeah. - A bunch of free loaders. - Yeah, they're mooching me. - Well, so. - Doesn't skip a generation. - Wow. - So now they're staying here for the next tomorrow. They're staying here. - Oh, okay, and they're here for like two weeks, right? - Yeah, I'm leaving, but they'll be here. I got gigs, sorry, sorry, wife. She'll be dealing with them, but they're babysitting. - That's nice. - So that takes a load up, but yeah, they're real, that's really spruced. - The idea was the mooch. - My parents coming to New York at all, coming to New York and then I'm out of town is like, bananas to me. - Oh, I can't wait. - That is so crazy. - That is so crazy. - How about this? You ready for this? Guess what, guess why I'm leaving town. So I got gigs, the special coming out. So I'm doing, I hired like a real publicist. - Coming out or coming up? - Coming up to come out. - Wait. - Huh? - I'm all lost in my timeline. You shot the special? - In the can, it's coming out. - When you shoot it, remind me of my brain is, oh, that's right, okay, that's right. Now, I gotta get reminded of things. And Sam's about to shoot in Tampa. - Yes. - All right. - And Soder shoots in October. My rods and cones are all screwed up. Okay, I remember now. You shot in Boulder, it's coming up soon. - In March, mid March, we'll say. - Wow. - I don't know how much I'm allowed to divulge 'cause Netflix is, not only does Netflix make you do all the promoting, they make you wait to promote. - Right. - Which is so strange. I'm like, shouldn't we just promote all the time? But whatever. They got their gay rules. - It's all funky. - Yeah. So what the hell is that talking about? That's coming up. It's coming up. It's why you're leaving town. I hired a publicist. I spent a couple of coins on this real hot shot LA cleaf. Okay. He is cooking. He got-- he said, what do you want? I said, I want this. I want to do Dana Carvey. David Spinn. I want to do Hot Ones. I want to do the View. Put me out there. The View. I want to do the View and burn it down. You can't do the View. Are you kidding me? Well, that's what the guy said. He goes, if you do the View and act a fool, they're never going to have you back. I'm like, I don't care. Let me do a one and done. You got to be careful on the View, though, because they'll send it out to their fucking Bees High. These people are serious. These are the people that will-- What do they call that when they put out your address and come and die? Murdered. Donald Doxia. These coups, Cuperi-- I can't think of a word. These Cousins. Cousins. They're crazy. Yeah, they're crazy Cousins. Whoopi was on Epstein's list. Is that right? Yeah, they came out. Boy. She said, can I go to the island? They said, no thanks. So she asked to go. They have an email saying, no thanks. They saw whoopi's name, and they went, she's a vibe killer. Well, respect to whoopi, but if you're trying to get hard and fuck some kids, you don't want to see whoopi's. You got that right. Oh my god. My god. By the way, this will be a great video to put together. We take this. Whoever heard Salah Q's will hire someone to do it and put his name on it. But if you take this, then you put the clip of you and say in the end word on the view, and then you have the video of all the backlash. That's a nice little video. I love it. Get lex on there. So yeah, I asked to go-- Jucks right there. OK. I figured he's busy. He's getting coffee. But I asked to go on club Shashi. What's that? No. You know Shashi. I don't know. I know Shashi Stadium. Shashi Stadium. They tore it down. City Field, though. Shashi, Shashi. Shashi, Shashi. Show your booty. Yeah, well, no, I'm just goofing around. But he-- Clip Shashi, Shannon Sharp. Oh, Shashi, Shashi, another name of the show. I know that he has a show, and I know Shashi is. Yes, a very homosexual name. And I hate saying it, Shashi. But I never would have guessed that the name of his show is Shashi. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. But he's having me on, which is-- Wow. That's what Cat Williams did, that-- That's right, and he was like, yeah. I think he was like, these people suck, this guy sucks. So I'll suck on it. But I'm going in. Now, does he ask sports questions? Do you need me to beef you-- I want to be, like, noob in an earpiece. Oh. And I can be like, that was the greatest game of all time. You're like, that was the greatest game of all time. Well, Burt just did it, and it was just about Burt's stuff. OK, no sports. Oh, good. So I'm pumped, and it's going to get out in the different worlds, because we all, hey, dude, Bobby Lee. Oh, we do Santino. Oh, we do Theo. Oh, we do Kiltoni. Oh, we do this. It's like, they know us. Every time I talk to Danny Franco, he's like, you got to get on a cooking show. You got to get on a fucking gardening show. I want to jizz on Rachel Ray and Queef on Martha Stewart. And let's mix it up. All right, I'm trying to get on Miss Rachel, but they won't let me near the kids. What's that? That's my impression of Miss Rachel. She always goes, ooh, I'm sad. Sometimes you get sad. I'll send you the clip. I mean, I watch a lot of Miss Rachel. I've never seen her do that. She's a meme of her doing that. Oh, okay. It's something you saw a meme. I saw a meme. I got to see the show. I'm like, I watched the program all day. I've never seen that once. I can't stand her. Yeah, I like her. All right, well, I got some problem with her, but she's pretty cool. She was good. My son likes it. She seems like a good hang. I'd like to make a love to her. Wow, I'm excited to see some of these appearances. The view, though, I got to put my foot down. I think this is no good. Well, that's what he said the same thing. You don't want to you don't want to fuck around on the view. All right, let me fuck around. No, they're two. It's that thing that can end your whole life. What? They'll come at you, Jerry. Well, these are crazy people. I'm not going to color a fat inward. I'm just going to go, hey, what's up with this? You did see gut, but people have gone on the view and been like, yeah, I don't know. I went to Israel one. What? I mean, anything can get you in trouble there. Yeah, you could say, well, I feel a little fat. You could criticize yourself when they get mad. Oh, weird. You don't know about the view. And that's every every, look up some view cancellation crazy. That's the whole thing. I know. They were just a bunch of cackling old bags who were yapping about shopping. I'm telling you, you're getting trouble over there. Wow. Because it's fair. It's the wokest, wokest, you can see politically. Yeah, I've, we've gotten so far. It's a show with a bunch of menopausal skanks. And we're like, be careful. Don't ruin your life. I'm like, it's supposed to be a, it's a daytime show with a bunch of yappy broads on it. Maybe I'm wrong. Am I crazy? What is the view? Like, it's like an enemy territory over there. Wow. But I guess you, I guess you'd get the viral and then you take it out and then your fans love it. My thing is just, no one from the view is gonna be like, we like the cut of this guy's gym. The people of the view come and watch you. They're gonna be like, we gotta shoot this guy. No, no, no, no, they'll hate my guts. But yeah, I figure I can get a clip and then that'll, yeah, maybe you're right. You could be right. Well, Norm went on there and cut a rug and was like, yeah, Bill Clinton killed a guy and they were like, Jesus Christ, norm, shut up. What are you talking about? It was hilarious. All right, I don't know anything about the business, but that makes me. Hello, nervous purpose out of service. Maybe they killed Norm. What the hell do I do? Talk about him like you have a sod. How did it work out for him? I guess so. What are you looking at? But Ed, I think Norm McDonald probably said, OJ Simpson killed someone. No, no, that's a Clinton. Do you said Cosby? I thought I said Bill Clinton. Oh, that's a Clinton too. Anyway, I can't find anything because looking up a TV show and canceled. Oh, right, right. I just think it's crazy over there. It's a scary place. It's not a safe space for us. I guess you're right. But that's why I wanted to go in. I wanted to get behind enemy lines and cause a ruckus. All right, cause the ruckus, but I'm worried. Now you're worried me. Maybe they killed Barbara Walters. She's good. She dead. Oh, jeez. Wow. I can't keep track of anybody. Yeah. She banged, uh, uh, what was that guy? I think she banged Wilts Chamberlain. Wow. You hit a black thing. No kidding. Well, I know that her and MLK and Helen Keller were all born the same year. Whoa. Not in Helen Keller and Frank. I always confuse. Oh, yeah. And Frank MLK and Barbara Walters. Isn't that crazy? And Frank wouldn't let a talk either. Who else wasn't? Oh, nevermind. Bad joke. I know, I confuse them. They're all wacky ladies. Yeah, they're young women who didn't exist. Well, people give me shit because they're like, how can you confuse those two? I'm like, they're the only two young girls that we learned about in school. That's true. You learned about two adolescent ladies. Yeah. So that's why I confuse them. Yeah, I guess so. But Keller, they didn't write no book. I'll tell you that. I thought she did. I thought she was famous for. What is she going to use a crayon and a hand stamp? I mean, she couldn't do that. I don't know. I don't know what that is. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And a hand stamp. I mean, she couldn't see, read, talk, eat, shit. No, she could read. That was the whole point. What? I thought she was blind, deaf, dumb, and gay. That's why she was famous, though. She learned to read and communicate. Oh, you think I'm going to go the monk? Isn't that why we know Helen Keller? She learned to read and write. That's why she was being blind and deaf. She's the most retarded person. So that's why she was like number one retarded. I think she went on the view and fucking said Nazi. I think she could read. Okay. She could read. Yeah, that's why we know who she is. Otherwise, she would just be the same Tom Dick and Harry dummy. You know, that sucks for Floyd Mayweather. He can't read. How much is that suck that Helen Keller is a better reader than you? He can't read. He cannot read. That was the big finney cent joke. He goes, I'll give you a million dollars if you read one page of Harry Potter. Oh, that's funny. I mean, how funny is that? I'm missing everything. I'm watching too much Rachel over here. Yeah, yeah. You got to watch some grown-up TV. All right. Well, I'm excited. Get on the get on the view and let's do boy. Yeah, let's see. I want all of the view. Tell him you want SNL, by the way. I could use a couple hundo. Oh, one hundo. Yeah, I can't think I can get on that. I think you can. You're, you're, you're a SNL soda thing. I've just. Oh, the commercial thing. That is old. Yeah. Well, it's all soda. I mean, I'm just the messenger. Still, still. I'm glad you told me. Still still. I like to go in fresh. Um, I got a wild one when you're. 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You heard about it. Support the show and tell them Tuesdays with stories sent. Yeah, it's all pipes folks. Marsman. now. If folks to his stories brought to you. about Shopify. There's never been a better time to launch your new business with Shopify. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world. Shopify powers 10% of all e-commerce in the USA. They got the tools to help you grow your business and succeed. Choose from hundreds of templates and customize to match your brand. Shopify is built to scale with your business. Reach your customers wherever they are. Create social and email campaigns on their built-in marketing tool. Start your business today with Shopify. The industry's best business partner and start here in Cheating. Sign up for your $1 per month trial at Shopify.com/tuesdays. Go to Shopify.com/tuesdays. That's Shopify.com/tuesdays. Cheating. Well, so I left Vancouver. I fly to San Francisco the next morning. One of my favorite towns in the world. I think it's my favorite city. It's always been one of my favorites, but it just shot right up the charts. It is the crown jewel of the United States. I mean, it is just the most beautiful city. It's like being in Madrid or something. I know, the architecture, the street layouts, the people, the pier, the sea lions, the trolleys, the hills, the mountains. It's fucking unbelievable. North Beach, the Italian food. How's the Italian food in this restaurant? We went to this place called Luis's. It was fucking fantastic. Another place called Aqualino, Carly Aqualino. Incredible, incredible food. We went to the Mrs. Doubtfire house. We went to the full house house. Matt Wayne and I had the gayest day in the history of days. We went up, went to breakfast together, a place called Home Plate, which was out of this world. It cost $350 fucking dollars for a scrambled egg in a potato. Almost as much as the Starbucks order. It was, it wasn't that much of good, but it was hefty. So we went to Home Plate, great breakfast place, and then we went from there. We went to, we walked to go see the Mrs. Doubtfire house. Then we walked from there to go see the full house house. And they close? They're relatively close. Yeah. That's cool. Beautiful hill. I mean, you can't believe how beautiful these neighborhoods are. And then we went and took a steam at Equinox. Then we went and saw the new Jody Foster French film. Oh my god. This is so gay. We're just homosexual. So pride week. But how about this? So we go to all in San Francisco. We go to the full house house. We're standing outside. It starts raining. Of course. So we're looking at the house. It's like a, whatever. You just take a photo. You're like, oh, there it is. Okay. My father's gay. It's kind of hilly over there, right? It's got some, some, some grass. Well, they trick you. Oh, they got me. The house, they show the house for a split second. Then they cut to the hill. Yeah, the hill, but we did go to the hill also. Okay. Okay. That hill's amazing. The hills have eyes. My dick loves guys. I don't know. So we go to the house. We see it. We take a photo. And everyone's walking by, taking photos. And we're just talking like that. Hey, I ordered a lift. Yeah. We'll go to the movies. We're gay. We'll get a steam. And then they're here. Oh, lady. Oh, folks are going with this. So there's all, I mean, old, older than baseball. She's like 180 if she was a foot, opens her door, big townhouse and goes, hey, you boys want some jane or some wine or something like that? What? Now, I think she's setting us up to yell because we're standing outside of her house, talking. So I thought she wanted us to be like, oh, no, thanks. Well, then get the fuck out of here. You know, because you know, you have these, there's a sign on the full house house. This is a private residence. This is a private residence, man. So we go, oh, no, we're okay. And she goes, are you sure? You don't want some wine? She got bare feet. She got the gnarliest flinstone feet I've ever seen with toes all a jar and a stray and wacky and walking. Sure. Sure. She, she like a house, sea Nile. I don't know. She just, she looked a little bit like your mother if she didn't take as good of carousel for herself. Yeah, that's pretty bad. Yeah, it was like a older lady, probably got to be 70s. Okay. We're just coming to see the house. Oh, yes, the full house house. People love it. Did you love it? And I go, wow, we just took a photo. Come on, see my garden. I got a better house. Come see this garden. What the fuck? She lonely. It's a little bit like, I assume lonely, but a little bit of a horror movie, a little bit porn. Ah, good mix. And it feels so cliche to be like, this is a horror movie star. This is how porn starts, but that's where we're at. Yeah. And I go, well, we got a car coming in three minutes. He goes three minutes. It's plenty of time to see my garden. Come on in. Whoa. This is so cookie. We're looking at each other like, what the fuck do we do? And but she's old. So you're like, what's she going to do? But then who knows that she has, maybe her son's in there. Good boy. She's got a machete. So we go in and you kind of step in and it opens. It's like a townhouse. It goes all the way out to the back. You see the garden. She's like, look at that garden. Go, go back there. You went in. Well, we went inside the home. This is Coco. She's, I got photos of, I tried to get a photo of her, but I missed it. All I have is her feet. She's blurry like bigfoot. So she's, and she had big feet. So she's like, look at that garden. I go, oh, wow, but I'm still like weirdly nervous. It's like a vampire. Don't go in. Don't cross the threshold. Right. So she goes, are you sure you don't want some wine? And I go, no, no, we don't drink. We appreciate it. We're going to see the new Jody Foster film. We're gay. And she goes, we'll say hello to my dog. I get you go, Brutus. I came here with a dog in there. Big, I don't know, doodly thing. It gets up and walks over and goes, here we go. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, shut the fuck up. And it just kept barking, which makes me think she's a psycho and he's trying to warn us. Like the dog's like, get out, get out. Right. Yeah, I'm like, what the fuck? And she goes, come on, have a glass of wine. I'm going to have a glass of wine. And we're like, what the fuck is going on? I go, the car's going to be here any minute. She goes, oh, you got time. Is she hot in any way? Is there any kind of inkling? I'm like, well, throw her a quickie. Well, for sure, we both were like, we could double up on this old bed. Yeah. And she had the dog in its own bed with steps up to it. It was like a little dog bed in there. It was a nice house. Yeah, yeah. I got the photos. I can't wait to see. So we're like, oh, we're good. And then she handed me a card. I haven't looked it up yet. Oh, maybe I could find it. Oh, I have a photo. You could look it up. She's got a YouTube video. She goes, I have a YouTube video. It did well. Okay. So she's with it. She's lucid. Oh, yeah. She's got a cooking video. Oh, here it is. Right here. R-I-S-L-E. Yeah. She's like your mother. Yeah. I mean, her address is on here. So don't post this is the name. Whoa. Uh, W-W-W-Dot. Dot com. We're giving her a plug here. I mean, I'm a little nervous. I'm calling her ugly. Maybe we'll leave some of this. I don't want people harassing this lady. That's true. Uh, nice to Marie sending it, sending it your way. So you can look, but she's got a YouTube video. She goes, you got to watch my YouTube video. Tell people about it. And then you can say, you got offered sex from that lady. Oh, yeah. And Mac goes, offered sex. You offered us gin. She goes, well, I know where gin leads, boys. So she confirmed we could be, we could have double teamed this, this old chef. Wow. This is my mom. I mean, how about, how do you like them, apples? This is bananas. This is what every boy dreams of. It was wild and we were leaving. And then he was like, what if we just did it? It was great. I'm like, I think you need a lot of loop. And then I was like, you never know. That's a good one. If she was 20 years older and a guy, I would have gone for it. Yeah. That was the garden. But we were, we were in the home with the dog. Now you're finding anything over there. I bet that garden's full bush. Well, I see your video. You sent me. Let me, let me, let me. I'd say the car. Okay. I didn't look, I looked up, but there's a thousand videos that say, yeah, yeah. We got the bleep all this. Cause I feel like these people will, will doxer, they'll fuck her in the ass. They'll be knocking on her door, trying to get laid. Yeah. That's true. But I did go on stage in front of 400 people and I was like, if anyone's looking to get laid, go across the street from the full house house and knock on that door, because there's a desperate old chef in there. She's looking to get filled up. Cream filling. Yeah. But so that was the spicy meatball. And that all day, we were sick in the full house song and I was like, she's a little, she's out there and she's all alone. Is that her? Yeah. That's an old bread. Yeah. So she's an old suck. Oh, wow. It's got a couple thousand views. Ah, well, I have about 1000 more after this. Oh, wow. She's a cook. Look at that. It's got almost a million views. This is from 14 years ago. That's a great house. Is that the house? That might be the house. This might be a studio. I don't know. Oh, she looked much better than that. This is 14 years ago. Oh, wow. She still looks old though. That's almost a million views. Quarter of a million views. Oh, this is it. Just put the fucking turkey in the oven. Oh, she's a crassled broad. That's the that's the hook. Look at that. Wow. She's better looking then. We're going to have to somehow protect this lady. Yeah. We'll give her a like and a share and say hello for a month. But I'll be there. If she sees this, it'll be like the Scott Hamilton thing all over again. Oh, Hamilton. Oh, boy. Well, that is a crazy tale. It was something and she's a she's a bit of a celebrity. By the way, seeing this now and seeing that she's been on stuff are like made gotten views. I assume she had like 400 views. And was like just crazy. But who knows? Still strange to invite two random We've said it at home. for cocktails and a garden look. - You know what I should do? This might, this is, hear me out. Oh, this is good. - Oh. - This is what these young women do. I should go back, find her, contact her, but friend her, get divorced. But like, you know, as a fake, a faux divorce, marry her, wait out the death. - Oh, get out. - But this is gonna be worth $8 million. - Get the property. - That's not bad. - That's not bad. - She's by herself. I like dogs. - I like it. Ah, yeah, dogs. - So, you know, that's not bad. - That's not bad. You get that beautiful, primo real estate. - I mean, she kicks off. Now all of a sudden, I'm living across the street from the tanners. ♪ Everywhere you look ♪ ♪ There's an old bride ♪ ♪ When you lost out there ♪ ♪ And you're all alone ♪ ♪ The light is waiting ♪ ♪ To carry you home ♪ - Come inside, boys. - Yeah, it was pretty hot. But, man, best week out of my life, Cobb, that's all the most tickets I've ever sold. - Whoa. - That's all the most money I've ever made. We went out to eat, we ate dinner. MC was great. I got to give a shout out to Moonsave. Mariam Moonsave. - There you go. - She was hilarious and great just to treat. Matt Wayne was killing the manager over there. Cody, Jim McAembridge, the photographer, you know him. - Yeah, he's good egg. - He's fantastic. One of the best photographers I ever saw. - You rent a car out there? - No, he just walked around everywhere. We walked 20 miles a day. It was crazy. We were like 18,000 steps a day. It was fucking unbelievable. - Did you see downtown? Is it dicey and shady? - We drove through the tenderloin. It's still the tenderloin. But I think the Super Bowl just happened. So I think they were sweeping 'em up. - But also, I saw a tweet, I'm all jacked up on caffeine. I saw the tweet from the mayor. They're doing a new thing. They're arresting people. If you're doing drugs in public, they're arresting you. - That new guy is the tops. He's lunch. That guy's going to change that whole city and turn it back around. - I'll fucking move there. But Cobb, San Francisco, that city, that club, I mean, that neighborhood, North Beach. - Can't beat it. - It is just fucking unbelievable. It's one of those towns where you just can't stop taking photos. - I know. - Look at that. Look at that. I took 800 photos. - It's a beautiful thing that nothing better than, what is it, North Beach? Is that the way they come? - North Beach, yeah. - I would walk around there and it, the dusk, what do you call that, magic hour. When the sun starts to, every restaurant is full outside. Everyone's eating out. These beautiful restaurants and the bars are full and there's music in the air and the houses look so good. Nothing beats it. - We watch the city lights bookstore. - Oh. - The Marina district. Oh, and then place to arts. That fucking thing is a cathedral. - Cathedral. - It is just dynamite. I wish you could live multiple lives. - I know. - I would like to live a life in San Francisco. - These people grow up there. You need to see kids running around in San Francisco. Like, you don't know what you got. - The Tanners. - Daughters. - Daughters. - He's, she's, she's, he. - What did I say, they met, brought up this point. How insane is Mrs. Doubtfire? The judge is like, - You're a piece of shit. You can never see your kids. I'm taking custody way. Like, he threw them a party. They were playing jump around. Like, he had a pet executive and they're like, you're a fucking scumbag. Like, he didn't hit him. He didn't, but train them. He didn't molest them. - Yeah. - He was like, there, he loves them. And they literally threw a birthday party. And the judge like throws the book at him. - That's a good point. - He's like, you're a complete piece of shit. You're out of control. She knows that. - Yeah. - It's insane. - That's a great point. I mean, I watched that as a kid. I was like, oh, they got him. Dead to right. - It's crazy. He's like, petting a donkey. They're playing jump around. - I mean, you fucked the house up. But what's, get a cleaner. - Yeah, the house is dirty. They're rich. Just clean the house. And that's what he, he can't see his kids ever again. - Yeah, Sally Field really came off like a big fat bummer in that movie. - And another great point is, Pierce Brosnan is like, he's playing the heavy. He's like this guy that's like, oh, he's taking my kid, but then he's just sweet as pie. There's like no bad guy in the movie except the judge, I guess. Like Pierce Brosnan's actually quite sweet and he loves the kid. Like he overheat, when he throws the fruit at him. - Yeah. - He's like overhearing Pierce Brosnan. And be like, I love this woman. I want to marry her. I love the kids. The kids are great. I just want to take care of the kids. And he's like, oh, you're a piece of shit. Like he hits him with an egg. I think there was one line where he's like, I heard the husband was a real loser. - Oh, maybe that's what it is. - That was it. - That's what it is. But it's like, all he's finding out is that this man loves his children and wants to take care of his wife. - Yeah. - And he's like, I'm gonna fucking kill this piece of shit. - And he ripped his hood ornament off too, I remember. - Yeah! - Yeah, that's what he said. - So he's just kind of an asshole. But anyways, it's a fun film. It was cool to see the house. - I just rewatched it. That's a good point. - I think it's on Netflix. I kept seeing it. - Ah, it's probably surprising with the trends controversy. - I was in a band called Sevilla Tired Amateur. - Ah, yeah. - Toodaloo! - And my other big for the movie is he got the makeup and the voice and the thing. He came with the whole story, but he didn't come up with a name. He just totally spaced on what name he was gonna say. - Ah, yeah, yeah. - He's like, hello, I'm Huffington Island, don't fight. I'm from Scotland. My parents died. I've been there for 35 years. What's your name? - Fuck! - Yeah. - How did you not come up with that first? - Right. Well, he's out on the newspaper. Don't fight. - That's what he improvises, but you're like, he didn't come up with something before. - That's true. - He came up with the accent, the story, the name, everything. - Right. - The outfit, the makeup. - And change the number to do the other characters to get them to not to call. - Ah, yeah. - Just completely spaced on what's the name of this person who I'm gonna pretend to be. - Also learned to cook and clean, by the way. - Yeah. - Didn't know how to cook. Now all of a sudden, he's doing lobster at Tuesday morning. - But man, what a city. - Great movies shot in San Francisco, great setting. And great club, that cobs is one of the top clubs in the country and the crowds are great there. They're smart, they get it, they don't get upset, they're great. - Which by the way, going back to the venue thing we were talking about. Punchline's still a better, hotter venue because they're right on top of you. - Sure. - Cobs is quite cabinet. A lot of those shows has been. - He has been. - Cobs, you're like, oh, does everyone struggle like this? Not struggle, but like, you're not like rolling. - You're not rolling. - And you get it's good, but like, you're not, you're not feeling that like, oh my God. - Yeah. - But it is one of those rooms where you walk in, you're like, oh, this history in here. - Yes. - Like, these walls have laughs baked into them. - Well, the manager, I think it was, or maybe it was, the camera, it was the photographer. He said Lars Erorick came in and was walking around, went to a show and he was like, looking around like this and after like a minute, a few minutes, he was like, we used to play here all the time. Before our first record, we played this, and it was called whatever, spikies or something. But Metallica played there, like pre, pre kill them all. They were just playing at that, it cops. - I love it. Did what's your face pop in? - No. - Okay. That's really best. Well, you did a lot more fun. I went to Tulsa. - Ooh. - There's a new club there. The bark guys, you know, the Spokane, the Tacoma, the Appleton, those guys, those guys are running rampant. They open a Tulsa club and they're opening another one and I think in St. Louis. - Maybe? - No, yeah, maybe in his St. Louis. It's not like that, but they're just opening up clubs like crazy and it's great room, great crowds. I had a fucking blast, there you get a lot of work done. And it's one of those clubs where they're like, "Thanks for coming." - Right. - I got to the airport. It's like a four hour flight, you land. I'm like, "Let me get an Uber." And the guy goes, "Hey, I'm here to pick you up." You're like, "Oh, how about that?" - You almost missed him, like your parents. - Exactly. So he scooped me up, we go to the hotel and just great tons of merch. Go to Tulsa. - I'll go to the Tulsa, I love those guys. Adam's a great guy. - Yeah, yeah. - And those clubs were awesome. - It's one of those clubs where they give you a card at the end with all the names, like all the waitresses assigned it and they go, "I love this bit, that bit was crazy." "I love what you said, the N word." And then you take a photo with the staff. If on the stage, it feels like the 80s again. - That's fun. - It's very a community. - There's one guy in Tacoma, he always writes, "I didn't see shit, the chef. It's funny." - That's a good bit. - That's good. That's like the Space Balls joke, where they're combing the desert. - We ain't found shit. - That joke blew my mind when I was 11. - That was great. Blacks are funny. - Yeah. - My people are funny people. - Yes, yes. - Not in this neighborhood. - I love 'em. - One bad off another. I can't stop watching that film. That Sensei is one of the great characters of all time. - Yeah. - That's heavy metal, bro. - I mean, that's one of the great lines. He's like, "I got this guy, lock jaws." After he wants to kill me, my daughter, he goes, "That's heavy metal, bro." The great thing about the Sensei is he's nothing but help. He never asks for anything. He never says, "Hey, you owe me, motherfucker." He's just like, "What do you need?" - He's running an underground railroad. He introduces him to everyone in the family. It's unbelievable. He's like the greatest character I want to live my life as the Sensei and what a fucking picture. - A couple of beers. - There's a couple of small beers. - Small. - He's amazing. Jump out of that when he fucking throws him out of the car. Forget it. - It is one hell of a film. I don't know what blows licorice pizza out of the water. You're back PT. - That's stunk. Where were you going to be there, fat man? - I have no idea. I drank too much caffeine. I'm talking too much. I'm all jacked up. I want to thank Chuck personally for getting the coffee and my father's gay. Where am I going? I'm in Fort Lauderdale, the improv. - Yeah, me too. - This weekend I'm in Virginia Beach. - Good luck with it. - Fort Lauderdale, improv. Going to the Miami Open, very excited about that. I got Providence Comedy Connection. That's Patriots Day weekend. San Antonio, March 5th through the 7th. Tickets, sales there. My God, I've been there in 10 years. - The tough market. - So come out to that. Of course, the Tom Dustin movies for sale, six bucks. And then two girls, one cuck. Also six bucks. It's like five hours of Sarah and Karen and I fucking around. And yeah. You can get that all on punch up, go to punch up, sign up for my email list and join our Patreon. There's a lot of fun stuff over there. You got that right. How does Patreon going? I'll be in Spokane, Indianapolis, Philly, Fort Lauderdale, also doing flags to have Arizona. But after club Shasha, we set up a little secret show in Vegas, don't tell anybody. And we're doing Swaharita, Arizona and Seattle, all kinds of stuff coming down the pipe, Charlotte Comedy Zone, Chattanooga, Tennessee, give it a goog, hit the website, we're both on punch up. Where are you going to be? Chuckles. Check out my podcast, funbearablepod.com, but more importantly, we're doing a big film project and we need some backers for it and a lot of, actually, Tuesdays did reach out and one of them is really helping out. Wow. We got the best fans in the business. No question about that. Yeah, got that right. So if you want to do that, DM me anywhere, I'm @DiscountChuck on Instagram and thank you very much if you're interested. All right, maybe hit that, turn that heat off for a second and we'll get to relax. Thank you, folks. [Music]