#643 Mail Manager

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't change my mind. Hey! We're back, baby. Hey, you got the Mel Brooks. We're always back. Oh, yeah. There's all these shoe companies I've never heard of that pop it up. What's that one with on air? It's like an A or a D. Oh, on. It's O-N. Is it O-N? It is O-N. I thought it was O-U. I thought it was D-Q. Like Dairy Queen. Disqualified. Yeah, those. Those Ons are huge. The big, big, big one now is who? Luca. Hookah. Hook? Hoka. Hoka. Hoka. Hoka. Kathy Hoko. Hoka is the biggest shoe. It is one day. Just pow! And it's like a big, big pillow. It's like a big yoga mat they're standing on. Well, look at this thing. You can't get any smaller than this. Look at that. Smaller. And this is the smallest you can find. Oh, I see what you're saying. Like thickness, thinness. Yeah, well, we're in all comfort. I don't know what it says. It's 2026, 2024. No one wears a suit now. Have you noticed that? It's not 24. It's 2020, I think. Maybe it's 2020. Because everyone started working in pajamas at home. Yes. Well, basketball coaches, it was a suit for 50 years. Yes, exactly. And then during COVID, it was like we're all wearing socks because some kid died or something. And now it's all warm-up pants. Everybody dresses like Maduro on the plane, you know, at the warm-up. Right. It looks like, yeah, the cast of Good Will Hunting at the basketball game. And even flights. Every flight now is a croc. A flip-flop, a tank top, and a juke-up. But, hey, I'm no better. I mean, I'm wearing warm-up pants every day. But, you know, I got a child. I got to go to work. I got to go. Yeah, you're a comedian. And I'm going straight to the gym from here. You got to squeeze it all in. Ah, yes, yes. One-stop shop. But even Wall Street. You go to Wall Street, there's no tie. All the shoes. People used to wear black, hard shoes. Black, hard shoe. Now it's like those, it's kind of a fake dress shoe where they're soft at the bottom. They got like a spongy sole. I see some dress shoes, because I'm in it. I'm over there in the fine eye. Oh, that's true. I'm right in it. That's true. But you do see some fancy shoes, a lot of Gucci's, a lot of goat cheese. But these women, I love. This is my number one all-time fetish thing now. Okay. Business attire, Jerry. Business attire is exciting. Give me shoulder pads, a suit jacket, a Gucci, a tight pant, a high waist, a thin, that petite zipper. Oh, Hillary Clinton. Is your dress? Is your dress your number one? I mean, just give it to me now. Give me that. And this girl, you got to come over to the mall sometime and walk around here. Well, there's something about a lady in a suit, because you're like, all right, this lady can, she can do some stuff. She can type and walk to work. She has a couple bucks. She's got some pep on her step. She's not like, oh, I'm a damsel. I can't drive. No, these are serious women. Some have skirts and the tights and the chunky shoe. Very exciting. Very exciting. Very exciting. Very exciting. Let me run some. This might be a little bit, I hope you like a chunky producer. We got Rupert on the ones and twos, baby. Rupert, we love you. Don't worry, I reinforced that chair. You look great. We look great compared to you. But what do you think of this? This might be a little bit controversial, and I am trying not to be. I like to be politically correct, as you know. You're talking about Zephyr. So we go down to the dentist. My dentist is in a store. We took Marty for his first dentist appointment. He's very excited about it. You got a hike all the way up there for that puppy? Well, I got a dentist down the street when I lived in Astoria. I finally fell in love with him, and it's all bilingual Spanish bitches. It's all. Ooh, spicy Latina. Yeah. What's the opposite of hombre? Madre? Madre. That's mom. That's mom. Mama. She's a hot mama. Chicas. That's because Chico's boy, Chica, is girl. Yes, yes. Hombre and. Chica. Chica. But hombre is a dude. What's a. Hombre is good. That's a good word. Hombre. It's a bad hombres. Yeah, exactly. What's an hombre? Hombra? Hombra is what Rupert wears. No, no, but hombre is. But what's the opposite? What's the lady hombre? It doesn't have one. Oh. Come on. So what's a woman in Spanish? Pequeña? What's dude for a woman? Dudette, but nobody says that. Right. You know, we got our stuff. But what do you call an adult woman? Chiquita. I'm sorry. M-U-J-E-R? Mujer? Mujer. Mujer. Mujer. Mujer. Mujer Jardin. He's good. Mujer, huh? Well, a couple of mujers down there. But they're all Spanish women, Latino women, and I love my Latinas. Sure. But. Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. And now when I was. When I was on the search for a new manager, people kept telling me, Luke Moniz and other people said, you need a woman. Right. Because women are organized. Very organized, like crime. But this office, there's no men whatsoever. Zero men. Whoa. They're always behind 20 minutes. The appointment's 30 minutes late, 20 minutes late. They didn't even know Marty was coming. They're like, he's had an appointment, too. I'm like, yes, we both have an appointment. What is this? What? They're like, you better fill out this paperwork. We'd already been there for an hour. Everything's way behind. They need a man around. I think you need a man. Maybe one to crack the whip. You need an hombre to go, hey, bitches, why are we fucking 40 minutes behind over here? Yeah, keep it moving, Mujer. You need someone to slap their tits, grab them by the pussy. And shove a thumb in their ass to check the oil. They need a Trump over there. It's a little small. I couldn't do the voice. I tried to do the voice. Best dentist. Beautiful dentist. I've got to clean your teeth. Your teeth will be so clean. You'll be so tired of clean teeth. Hey, beautiful teeth. White teeth. Love white. White only teeth. Yeah, make teeth great again. But anyway, so I think you need a dude somewhere in the operation. Sounds like it. Just put him in the top office. They need somebody to be scared of. Right. Right. By the way, I have all. All male managers, mailman-agers. Mine's a lady. I like my men. Sure. But I got a man with long hair and pink glasses, so he's a little ladylike. Long hair and pink glasses. Yeah, you know Adam? No. I think you'd know if you met him. Long hair, pink glasses. I feel like I'd, what is he, Elton John? Well, Elton's got short hair. That's true. They got pink, they're sunglasses. He's cool. Pink sunglasses. I think they're rosy. With long hair. Get real. Oh, he's cool. Oh, I got to see this cat. He's cool in the gang. All right, all right. Well, he's Hollywood, he's LA, he's an artist. I get it. He's got to be a little funky. He's in New York. He's from Ohio. He's from Cleveland. Oh, what? Like Becca. Boy, you're just trying to get back there. I'm trying hard. I'm like, hey, maybe I'll come to your house for Christmas. Sure. Pop in. What are you going to do? But anyways, he's first class. They're kicking ass. Yeah. Where you been? How you doing? We got Rupert. It's funny you bring up, we got tits. It's funny you bring up the lady office, because when we got the baby out, what do you call that? Birth. We did the birthing. It was all women. Of course. And one guy came in to check her temperature. He put a baster at her clam or something. But he was a big gay. So it was all ladies. A lady at the desk, lady doctor, lady parts. Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga. But the one guy there was a big flaming homosexual. Homosexual. Filet mignon. Yeah. So I was like, oh, here comes a guy. And he was like, oh, my God. That baby's cute. And I was like, oh, OK. How about that? Which is it? It's like male cheerleaders. It seems gay to be doing it, but you're seeing pussy all the time. Oh, that's a good point. They throw those girls up. You see all kinds of labia. Oh, yeah. They're just holding them like this. And they're strong. But same with delivering the baby. But you're seeing like an obliterated pussy with a big head in it. Yeah, that's true. Although she did a C-sex. So the vagina was. Dipshape. Same over here. By the way, our dear friend, my dear friend, your associate. Uh-oh. Ronan Hirshberg. Oh. Daddy. Congratulations. Hot off the press. It just happened three hours ago as we recorded. How about that? Mazeltov. He's a dad. And a dipshit right off the bat. Just sends me a photo. Just no description. I'm like, how about a name? Are you OK? Is she OK? Give me something. Give me something. Throw a name out there. Did he critique it like a movie? This baby's not great. Not a lot of character development. Needs an arc. No ending. He's like, I really didn't connect with this baby at all. Exactly. It didn't pay off. It wasn't aware of itself. The writing's terrible. But anyway, he's got. Oh, I just hit my elbow. Oh. God. That's the worst. The funny bone. Good club. Yeah, I'll be there in Omaha. Yeah. Wow. All right, Ronnie. That's exciting. He's a dad. How about that? Six million and one Jews. How do you like me now? Well, wait. No, there's 16 million Jews. I keep a tally. Oh, good. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? Only 16. They're very. The tally ban. They're very minority. Oh, they're minoritized. Yeah, there's not a ton of them. But they make a splash. You know, they're all. They're very. You got Epstein. You got Weinstein. You got Woody Allen. I mean, they're killing. They're busy. Yeah, they're busy. All right. They got Matt Lauer. He's a Jew? I assume so. No, he's handsome. No, that's handsome Jew. Epstein's handsome. What are you kidding? Yeah, that was shocking. Even my wife was like, he's a good looking guy. I was like, really? I have no idea who's handsome. Oh, he's a good looking boy. You think so? I think so, yeah. Oh, I couldn't tell. He's kind of got a face that's a little out of whack. He's a funky handsome. Okay, okay. But he's powerful. By the way, I think the Epstein files are Salacuse's little project is on. Oh, tell them about that there, Fetty. I think it's out. I mean, it's out. It's up there. Yeah, because I think it comes out tomorrow, according to Salacuse. He had that thing slapped together. Yeah, well, he's busy. He's the man at the office. He's telling all the bitches, like, hey, edit that, do that. You know, the filming isn't great, but he can slap people. Yeah, he can come up with ideas that have been done before. He's like Will Smith. Yeah, it's out there, Jerry. I'm loving it. It's you, me, Vitor, Kramer, the butler, Jim Norton, Rachel Feinstein, Ronan, Sagalow. It was a hot night. We talked about it. Hot August nights. Great crowd. You got the Boo Men. Boo Men. Remember a lady who went, Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah, I didn't. I've been pissed ever since. Yeah. But, yeah, check that. Let's do a proper plug. Get on Punch-Up. Get the, I believe they're calling it the After School Special. Oh, is that right? That's kind of fun. Oh, okay. They were going to call it the 15 Under 15, but it was over 15. Right. So you're getting a good deal. You're getting at least 20 minutes plus of content. I think it's 20-something minutes of content. And, yeah, it was Salacuse and Frankel had this idea. They put their heads up. They put their heads together. Yeah. And this is what happens. You get two talentless men. Yes. They say, hey, why don't we extort, what's that word? Yeah, extort, exploit. Exploit our talented friends. There you go. And make a few bucks. So that's where you guys come in. There you go. And so the good news is we make a couple of clams. The bad news is we'll probably have to do another one if it's a hit. It's going to be a hit. I can tell. I mean, Norton brought the heat. It was fucking awesome. And the crowd was just on fire. Hot lunch. And I did some Epstein crowd work, which was fun. Very fun. And I came up with some bits on the fly. And I had some cum on my fly. But that was it. I had a pedophile thought. Now, tell me what you think about this. I'm sure you did. I had them all the time. It was a wet dream. But, no, we got ice. Ice, their whole thing is ice. It's a lot of ice. It's a lot of ice. It's a lot of ice. Then you got police. Then you got FBI. But all we keep hearing about is pedophiles. R. Kelly, the other guy, Woody Allen, whatever, Spacey. Why not have a department just for pedos? That's pretty good. Every pedophile hunter I see is just some guy who looks like Rupert out there with a clipboard in a parking lot going, excuse me, sir, did you email Susie? She's 13. The guy's like, oh, I'm just trying to go to GameStop. And you're like, why is that guy the pedophile? He's a pedophile hunter, just some guy from Jersey with a hoagie in his hand. And then ICE is after the illegals. What about just the pedo department? The pedo department. I like it. I'm sure the FBI has some kind of child abuse, sexual abuse department. But they don't have, but so does, there's also Border Patrol, which is different than ICE. So there's got to be different departments. I mean, there's so many police. There's the state police, the Texas Rangers, the FBI, the CIA. There's constables, there's sheriffs, there's SWAT. Oh, SWAT, there's ATF. ATF, there's ATMs. There's lots of stuff, but is there a full-on pedophile department? That should be a direct department. I'm sure the FBI has a pedo department, but all these Epstein guys are still hanging out at coffee shops. Now, to be fair, there's got to be hundreds and thousands and millions more. Sneaking into the country, immigrants, then pedophiles, right? Well, I think there's a lot of pedos who are just up here. Right, mental ped. You got to act on it to be considered a ped. Yeah, but I think you got a lot of people flying in, overstaying their visas and everything. People lined up to get it. I mean, this is a hot club here. You got a point. Where pedophilia, nobody's like, it's harder to keep it secret, I think, too. Right, right. Or it's easier to keep. Well, we had a show called To Catch a Predator, which went on for like 12 seasons. So this is a handful of kid fuckers out there. Hey, I'm not saying there's no pedophiles. There's too many. Sure. I like the idea. I'm just trying to come up with a reason why there's not a full department. It just seems like every 10 seconds, it's like, this teacher fucked a kid. This priest fucked a kid. This celebrity fucked a kid. And I'm like, boy, we should crack down on that. Get ice. How about ice cream? That's very good. Hey! That's good, that's good, because ice cream is how you get the kids. Exactly, on Rupert. We're paying Rupert an ice cream. Yeah. All right, I just had to throw that out. It's an idea, and I like to run an idea by you got a good head. I like that. I mean, it makes sense to me. Hey, if you're going to, if we got police, get the pedophiles. Yes, yes. There you go. But man, this Epstein stuff, my goodness gracious. It never ends. It just keeps on, it's the kid fucking, it keeps on fucking. And I so badly want Clinton to just burn it all down. He's 88 years old. Wouldn't you love for him to come out and be like, I was getting blown by a child. Oh, I can't wait. I high-fived Trump. Epstein ate me out from behind. I mean, just do it. Who cares? I did not have sex with women of age. They were all young. Just get out there, and Hillary too, all these people. Bring it on. I want her legs up, heels on, just going, yeah, a kid ate me out. Then I spit it in Bill's mouth, and we high-fived. And Ghislaine, did you see her? She got ugly fast. What'd she do? What'd she do? She fucking recruited all the kids. Did she say something? Did she have a podcast? Well, she just came out, and then she pled the fifth and all this stuff. She wants Clementine or Clemency, whoever. Who's that? Oh, I see. I don't know, Clemson University. She needs something. Clementine was one of the girls, I guess, but I don't know. Clemberlay, I don't know. Maybe we'll get Arne Rogan. She's singing like a canary. She was sitting there, but she looks ugly as hell. Her head looks like a dick now, and she used to be a smoke show. Oh, no. She was very attractive, a hot French broad, but that's what jail does to you. Not that Harvey Weinstein was a prize, but when he got out, he looked even more like an ogre. Is he out of jail? I think so. Give that a go. I think Cosby's out as well. Yeah. Didn't he plead? I think he pled the guilt. Clemente or something? Guilty of something. I can't remember. I can't see Peter. He's still in jail. Harvey Weinstein? Yeah. I saw him pop out and do a courtroom thing. Yeah, he came on a plant and left. I don't know. But anyways, yeah, check out the Epstein file on Punch-Up. This thing is going to soar to the top. It's a comedy special. I mean, you can go watch a comedy special with like eight comics. It's a comedy special with a little variety. Because how long do you want to watch Tom Segura's mug? You know, a whole hour of Burt Kreischer. This is, you start hating Jim Norton, there's Rachel. You start hating women, there's Sagalow. And you start hating Jews, you can skip over Veeder. And Ronan. Oh, yeah. He's a little more the kind that people don't like, I think. That's true, yeah. The yelling and the spitting. Annoying. And he's a dad. Loud, yeah. That's a lucky kid. Go check out Ronan's special. He's got some of the best specials going. He's got a brand new one. It's hot. It's called Morbidly Jewish. It's so fucking funny. He's a great writer. Go watch it. Funny jokes. Good stuff. Great stuff. His Michael Jackson joke was probably the highlight for me. That was great. He had a great viral Woody joke. Did you see that one? Oh, everybody stole it. I texted him. I was like, dude, everybody's stealing your joke. Yeah, that's fucking horse shit. That's the internet. Hey, folks. Tuesday Stories brought to you by Cheers Health. Drinking hits harder as you age. You got that right. Cheers Health is here to help you with the Restore After Alcohol Aid, R-A-A-A. Cheers Restore uses a special compound called DHM to reduce inflammation, support your brain, and help protect your liver after consuming alcohol. Just take three capsules after your last drink or before bed and wake up feeling like you only had one drink when you really had two. Lord knows I'm hurting in the morning. I'm hurting right now. I'm not going to lie to you. I forgot to take my Cheers Health, but this is good stuff. Never going to happen again. I'm not forgetting again. Cheers isn't for binge drinking. Ten shots will still hurt in the morning, but two to four drinks will significantly better with Cheers. Same night out, way better morning with Cheers. For a limited time, Tuesday Stories fans are getting 20% off their entire order by using code TUESDAYS at cheershealth.com. Just head to cheershealth.com and use code TUESDAYS for 20% off. After your purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. Please support the show and tell them Tuesdays with Stories sent you. This is good stuff because I still like to drink just because I don't want to tie one on. I want to just have a couple of libations. I'm like an adult, but you feel that in the morning. You're a little foggy, a little off, so this is perfect for that. Get on it, folks. Hey, hey, hey. folks Tuesday's story is brought to you by Huel looking for an easy way to get all the nutrition you need try Huel with 35 grams of protein 6 grams of fiber and 27 essential vitamins and nutrients almost said minerals Huel's black addiction ready to drink shakes give you the fuel you need in one bottle no added sugar and no artificial sweeteners or flavors ready to go for less than five bucks per meal I love this stuff I'm all in I'm on the go I'm gay I'm running around I like portable I like movable I chug it down and I get going it's good stuff a meal in a bottle I say and it's better for you than most crap out there so get on it if you already love Huel's shake supercharge your day with the daily greens ready to drink each daily greens has 42 vitamins miserable minerals and super foods four grams of fiber and contains only 25 calories and one gram of sugar Huel daily greens come in blueberry apple or peach it's a perfect pick-me-up later in the day get Huel today with our exclusive offer of 15% off online with code Tuesdays 15 at Huel.com slash Tuesdays 15 new customers only thank you to Huel for partnering and supporting the show hey folks Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by quince we love quince quincy jones this is good stuff um your wardrobe needs a refresh quince is here to help you stay warm and look sharp from basics to statement pieces quince has it all mongolian cashmere sweaters tailored italian wool coats down jackets denim and leather outerwear built to last I gotta tell you this is good stuff I cannot believe these prices you look on the internet you're like a leather jacket for what this is crazy I got a suede bomber jacket you know me I got low self-esteem I would never buy this for myself but they hooked it up and man is this thing badass it's cool looking it fits perfect it just looks like something that I would never wear which is a compliment so get the hell over to quince.com uh they partner directly with quince.com and they partner directly with ethical factories and top artisans no middleman means you're getting top quality pieces without paying luxury prices refresh your winter wardrobe with quince go to quince.com slash Tuesdays for free shipping on your order and a one-year 365-day return now available in Canada too that's q-u-i-n-c-e.com slash Tuesdays for free shipping and 365-day returns quince.com slash Tuesdays for free shipping and 365-day returns quince.com slash Tuesdays for free shipping and 365-day returns quince.com slash Tuesdays for free shipping and 365-day returns to get something out of the food truck sure maybe fight a guy in the street sure that's Texas bring a lasso how about Luis J Gomez he said someone filmed the fight he's like by the way if you're a comic and you're filming your friend or another comic fighting you're a pussy you're a piece of shit fuck you I'm like we don't want to see it I was like what are you talking about he's like you should be breaking it up or jumping in I'm like you decide to fight a man in the street I have to get involved well wait what the hell you're talking about and I can't film it right I can't I don't get it oh he wants you to jump in enough he wants me to either stop him from fighting or join him and beat up the guy but that's not fair to the guy that's two-on-one it's not fair to the guy it's not fair to me why am I in a street fight I think if another guy jumps in you can jump in yeah if he's getting jumped then you got to jump in and help or do what you can call the police or run away whatever but you're 44 years old and someone said meet me outside and you said all right doggie and then you go out and square up what the hell I got I'm supposed to be part of this no I'm with you that's that's on you you you writing checks your Puerto Rican ass can't shake and I said to him that's not very alpha you can't make your own decision that's kind of beta kind of beta I need someone to help me I like you gotta come help me beta max I'm a beta yes yes also if he would have fought that guy and kicked his ass he would go thank god you got that on tape now I go viral well I think he's I think he might you know he's he might be like can you please destroy that I don't want to go to prison forever I still get him well he's browner than my asshole that kid he's bad buddy but it's I thought you know it's a fight's a fight it's consensual is that illegal I don't think it's legal to street fight I guess you're right yeah no I never thought about that yeah you're definitely not allowed to fight oh yeah it's a good if you win the fight it's like extra illegal that's what's crazy oh yeah you want to lose legally yeah if you lose I feel like it's still illegal but they don't press charges and stuff I mean if you don't land a punch it's not really assault you could just be like I dance that way yeah I'm a goofball that's Chris Brown great dancer but I saw the fight I saw this the fight the guy kicked him twice in the foot he checked one of them which was nice okay but and that was the end of it then he tried to kiss the guy yeah it was a little it was a little gay they were in traffic but we love you Louis I'm only kidding we're making a movie about you sure sure well so what happened the guy heckled him and he went let's go I guess the guy's a real problem he got kicked out he was fighting people to kill Tony bucket line geez he was trying to fight people there then he went to the creek and he was shouting and then they were kicking him out and then Louis he was like meet me outside you fag or something and Louis was like you got it oh he's waiting for that and then they went outside and they squared up they're in traffic yeah and then uh I don't know people came over and were like hey stop but the guy filming the footage I saw the guy filming this is gay y'all are gay he saved the whole show but also if this guy's fighting to kill Tony uh roundup that's like a hate crime I mean half the people are in wheelchairs four retarded and six are burn victims like this guy should be he should be in jail that's a great point I mean you're going around hitting hitting retarded people in handicap like one guy's got a crutch knock that out the other guy's got a voice bug don't hurt me you know like this guy's a maniac well this is Austin I mean you go to Austin people think I'm crazy but Ian a friend of ours will just got in a fistfight the other day knocked a guy out and then Louis is in a fight yeah oh wow I think we talked about this on the reg so I think it's fine to say yeah for dance fucking blasted some guy wow well see that's the thing about these guys you like trans women they can take it they can fist fight because you're you're you're fucking uh a dude there you go so you gotta be ready to square up right sexually and physically well people are fist fighting like crazy like like hotcakes down there apparently yeah it's a scary place to be good for Ian I think fucking trans people is like good prep for street fighting it's gonna be a bit now you're off on a topic well you know we fuck women they're easy to throw around manhandle this guy can manhandle back that's true because I felt I was very tough in my in my 20s because I fucked nothing but Ruperts every woman I fucked was picking me up and body slamming me like Hogan at Wrestlemania 3 they would scoop slam me yeah the only way to win is throw a pizza slice across the room hopefully they go chase it like a t-rex or whatever I don't know um t-rex the only uh dinosaur that got a cool name because he's a tyrannosaurus rex but he's like call me t isn't that weird it sounds like a bit from your first year I never thought about that yeah I'm t t-rex the other one I'm a dilophosaurus a galapagos island or whatever they are I'm a brontosaurus bronchitis now there's new dinosaurs I watch miss rachel every day all day even when the baby's out of town but it's all there's an elephant saurus and a my ass is sore there's like there's new dinosaurs no and there's a dinosaur that's the size of a chicken what there's the pterodactyl that was like genders they keep popping up I know now there's like a transasaurus a pooey dactyl yeah it's like it's like the size of a hen I was like what a hen that's called a hen I'm telling you there's some crazy stuff going on in the past oh this feels like uh di it's it's funky do but anyways yeah t-rex is cool t-rex yo I'm t and by the way jurassic park made the raptor like cool the t-rex is like the good guy and the velociraptor was the bad guy I don't know if he's a good guy he saves the day at the end oh that's right he catches the raptor in his mouth and eats it that's a good point you know here's a plot hole for you there's a scene I've seen that movie I saw in the theater there's a scene where their kids are in the car and the car has a clear roof you know because they want to it's a it's an amusement park you want to see everything sunroof well yeah but it's like it's huge it's the size of like two beach towels you know and the The T-Rex sticks his head down to eat the kids, and of course, he hits the roof, and the kids are going, they're holding the plexiglass roof up as if this guy wouldn't just shove them straight into the earth and smush the whole thing. These two children are managing to hold up the whole head of a T-Rex, like a couple of mimes. Well, maybe he's just trying to nibble, and he's stupid. He doesn't have the hands. He's got no hands, which is weird. That's true, but I feel like if he's coming down on the head, he's coming down. Well, it's strong glass. I'll give you that. It's one of the stronger pieces of glass I ever saw. I guess so. But yeah, it reminds me of that old joke I saw a guy do, and I don't know, I was on VH1 Spotlight, and oh, he's stuck in my asshole, and I have no idea what he looks like or what year it was or when it happened, but the guy had a joke. He goes, when you squish a bug, you always do this. Like, the bug is in there like this. Yeah, that's great. It's kind of similar. That's so true. These kids are bugs, buddy. The only thing I'd say against that, not to knock this brilliant comedian, but I've stepped on a roach before, and you pick your foot up, and he crawls away. Well, roaches, they're serious. They're like dinosaurs. Yes, and they got that smushy skeleton. Yeah, what's that called? Exo? Exo. Ecto. Ecto cooler. Exo skeleton. Okay. Exo skeleton. Thank you, Rupert. Rupert's a smart motherfucker. Oh, yeah. Look at the big brain on Rupert. Look at the big everything on Rupert. Look at the big pants on Rupert. I just rewatched that as well. What? Pulp Fiction? Yeah. That's a hell of a picture. Yeah, well, I was in Texas, and I got the call. Hey, I see you're doing San Antonio. You might want to come down to Houston, make a couple extra K, and run your set a couple times at the Secret Group. Sure. And I said, I like it. So I flew down on Thursday. We did two shows there, and then hightailed it in the Tesla all the way to San Antonio. So you did Houston first. Houston, two shows Thursday. Friday, Saturday, San Antan. I love Secret Group. That's a great room. The crowd was white hot. Very cool. Houston, I think they're closing that club. I hate to tell you. Oh, no. Yeah, there's all kinds of construction. Ruined the whole block. All the business is closed. Oh, that's terrible news. I know. Is he moving somewhere else? I think he's done. I think he's done. I don't know if I'm supposed to be leaking this, but that club, like, Chappelle did it. Norm did it. I mean, Pat Noswell. Secret Group? Yeah, everybody went through there at some point. We had a skank fest there. Chappelle did Secret Group? Yeah, he popped in once. No kidding. Oh, yeah. I mean, Christmas 2019, I think it was, like, the best headlining show I ever did in my life. Really? Well, it was up there, but it's probably been passed since. But it was one of my favorite shows ever, and skank fest south was my favorite week of my life. Oh, that was the roast. The roast was big. Wow, that was epic. It was awesome. So, RIP. One of my favorite places ever. Yeah, I don't know how lucrative the business is. I don't know how lucrative the business is, and it's hard to promote, and yada, yada. Flying comics in is a nightmare. Yeah. Whatever it is, but we had a good time. There was a good run. So then we drove to San Antonio, and I got to tell you, I think that is one of the better comedy towns that no one talks about. Really? Yeah. I'm there in two weeks or something, March 5th through the 7th. First of all, the crowd is all Hispanic. It looked like Bad Bunny Show. I mean, it's just Mexican people, and I think if we're talking race, it's Hispanics have the best sense of humor. Absolutely. We talked about it in the past on this show as well. Latinos are great, and you can make fun of them, you can stab them, you can kick them out of the country. They're resilient and tough and fun and funny. They'll build you a kitchen. And they all got tattoos. Yeah, that's true. I never thought about that. I think so. Them and the Jews in the 40s. But yeah, good people, good times, worked some stuff out, got my Bad Bunny. Bad Bunny clip. You got to have the clip. You got to have the clips. You post that. But the only problem with the San Antone, no direct flight. So I had to fly to Atlanta, hop over back to New York, and then had the Super Bowl over here. Ah, you had a little get-together. Yeah, we had the neighbors over. We had the babies together. They have a kid. We have a kid. Let them have sex with each other, and you watch the game. And boy, maybe the most boring Super Bowl in history. One of the worst Super Bowls ever. Yeah. The fourth quarter got kind of exciting. Back-to-back kind of crummy Super Bowls. Yeah. And just a stink fest. Stink, stank, stunk. I mean, no touchdowns for three quarters. I know. What the hell happened to that Derek May or Drake May? Drake May. I think he had a panic attack or something. Well, he's injured, supposedly. Oh. The offensive line was absent, and I think he's shitting his pants a little bit. But what are you going to do? It's. You know, he's a young kid. Not everyone's Tom Brady. What can you do? Sure. You had a great tweet about Green Day. It's still going. It's at like 700,000 views, which is exciting. Wow. Which, by the way, some guy messaged me. Every once in a while, you've got to respond to people. Some guy messaged me on Instagram. I put it on Instagram and Twitter. Some guy wrote, yikes, swing and a miss. And I had to write back, it has 12,000 likes, 800 retweets, and 600,000 views. Yeah. This is like categorically not a swing and a miss. Exactly. Well, it's a swing, and it went over the park. It's a swing. It's a swing and a fucking three-run walk-off home run. Yeah. It's still viral. Three days later, it's like still going. It's got. Every language has responded to this thing. And it's like 800 responses. Oh, good tweet. And he's like, yeah, swing and a miss. And I'm like, just say I'm a retard. I don't get it, or I don't like it. Whatever. What did he write? He wrote back, oh, I guess I didn't get it. I mean, 700,000 views, 500 retweets. That's gold. It looks just like a 50s housewife who's fucking Buzz Aldrin. Yes. I mean, so. Swing and a miss, my ass. Yeah, that was. His comment was a miss. Swing and. Yeah, you're a swing and a miss. Yeah. Your mother should have swung and missed or whatever. I don't know. Yes, yes. Swing and a miss, Doubtfire. But it's one of those things where you're like. People are like, hey, you toothless, jawless fag. And you're like, ah, you got me. All right, keep it moving. Sure, sure. And then someone's like, that bombed. I'm like, but no, it didn't. But it didn't. Clearly didn't. Yeah. Well, that's the problem with Twitter is sometimes I'll tweet something. I'm like, here we go, baby. This is going to change the world. And everybody's like, you used to be funny. What happened to you? Kill yourself. Boy, this is why I stopped following you, whatever. And then you start going, all right, it's not getting any retweets. All the comments are negative. And then I just leave it alone. And I come back and it's got like 200 retweets. So you can't go up the first cunts because they just like to get in there. They're like the Rosa Parks or Jackie Robinson of cunts. Well, also, by the way, X, as it's called, ever since Elon took over, it is hell on earth. It's mean. It used to be like, hey, I'm doing a show. Well, we love you. We wish you the best. Now it's like, I hope your parents die in a fire. Your father never should have fucked your mother. I fucked your father. It's Israel's fault. Here's some tits. Oh, it's actually a guy. It's Rupert. Yeah, you can't win. It is nuts in there. And it's always been a little hairy. Sure. But it makes YouTube look like a fucking Miss Rachel. Yeah, Miss Rachel. Blue's Clues. It's like a Miss Rachel. But yeah, yeah. So that was a good tweet. I don't know. I had one that I've enjoyed, but it didn't go that far. But it was, you see the Jew commercial? It was like anti-Semitism. Oh, yeah. I saw it afterwards because everyone had bits about it. Yeah, well, the big slug line is two out of three Jews experience anti-Semitic whatever. And I wrote, well, that's progress because of my day. It was three out of three. Hey, that's good. Yeah, it did okay. But I got some hate from Israel. I missed the whole halftime show because I kept Marty up for the first half because I was like, I don't want to put him to bed while the game is on. So as soon as the second quarter ended, I was like, all right, you're going to bed. I duct taped his mouth and fucking tied him up and threw him in the bed. But he kept kicking and crying. So then by the time I came out, Bad Bunny was over. And then Twitter was just 58,000 tweets. And every other tweet was, it was the worst thing I've ever seen. It was the best thing I've ever seen. You're the best. It was worse. So I have no, I got nothing. I missed a bunch of commercials. Well, I don't know his stuff at all. You know, I'm not a fan, but I thought it was well done. It was really great. Set-wise, I don't love his music. I know I'm not cool, Hispanic. I have no rhythm. But it was, it wasn't like catchy. Right. It was just like, we're over here. How about Brazil? How about Puerto Rico? How about Colombia? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I got it. But give me some cha-cha. Yeah. But I thought it was cool. He could have gone out and I thought he was going to dress his ice and make a whole statement. But he just kept it, he kept it funky and fun. Well, I don't, I tried to, because this happens to me a lot with current pop music. Some of them will talk about, you know, Lady Gaga or Miss Sweetie Pants, whatever their names are. She's good. And I'll go, what do they sing? Because I don't know what, but I've heard it in the mall. You play it, most times you play it and you've heard it at a ball game or at the mall or at Epstein's Island, whatever. But Bad Bunny, I played all the top Apple music. I'm like, I don't think I've heard any of this. I don't either. I've never heard a single one. We're not cool. We're not in the mix. So I like Van Morrison. You know, so it wasn't for me, but I thought it was well done. Yeah. I didn't, I missed it. And he's getting a ton of hate, but I'm like, he didn't do it. He just got booked. Right. He's not mad at, or trying to ruin your life. He just got booked to do a gig. Well, they're all just trying to distract us from all the, you know. The bad food, the evil politicians, the corrupt bullshit. Yeah. Okay. Well, it worked because Twitter was a buzz and people are actually angry and making posts about it, which is, seems like a large waste of time. Of course, it's all a waste of time. How about this? Let me throw this at you. Please. I think you're going to like this. You, of all people, are going to appreciate this. I'm excited. So, you know, you walk around. I've talked about this before. I love an old school ad. I like going on the subway and they're like, there's a new magic show in Union Square. Check out Stevie the Great. And you go, oh, I'd like to see Stevie the Great. Sure, he's great. He takes his thumbs off, whatever. And you go, I'm going to buy a ticket. I like to just go with, like, I saw a poster. We're going. Wow, no one does that. I like to do it. It's fun. That's fun. I've come across some good stuff. I've seen plays that way and I've met women that way. Whatever it is. The brothel ad got you. So I go, I don't know what I'm talking about. I just lost my track. Stevie the Great. Stevie the Great. You saw an ad. You bought it. You took a trip on the Lolita Express. So I'm at Gristini's, the grocery store. Whoa, quit bragging. By the way, I don't usually grocery shop. Pricey. It's stupid. It's the closest to my house. A jar of tomato sauce is like 14 bucks. I feel like a boomer and a half. Mom Donnie. You go over there. You buy tomato sauce wherever you live. What's it cost? I don't buy the grocery store. He makes his own out of a barrel. Stir it in a big spoon. Well, I'd rather eat my wife's period blood than this Rao's marinara. It costs 16 bucks. Say Rao's. You've got to be kidding me. Yeah, that's crazy. Anyways. I go and buy some sauce. I'm waiting in line there at the Gristini's. And there's a little video ad. British Swim School. And it's little kids with swim caps and the Yukon Jack. You know it? No, I thought you were nodding. I'm setting the ice cream department right there, by the way. This British Swim School. I'm sure it's a bunch of kids in panties. Well, so I go, oh, it's right around the corner. It's like a block from my house. So I go, oh, great. I'll sign them up. So I just scan the QR code while waiting in line. Bloop, bloop, bloop. And I sign them up for swim lessons. You go in there. And it's like 60 bucks a lesson, which also seems quite steep. But we live in Manhattan. Very high. 300 bucks for a private lesson. It's 30 minutes. What the fuck? Can't you just throw the kid in the Hudson? 30-minute lesson. 30 minutes for 60 bucks? 300 bucks. I'm telling you, but it's private. So it's 60 bucks. But that's the city we live in. And it's a block from my house. It's in the winter. We need stuff to do. It teaches survival and all this crap. So I go, all right. I signed them up. I sell them. Sarah, hey, I signed them up. I'm taking them. Don't worry. 30 minutes is very short. It's very short. But I'm like, well, it'll be a big group. It gives you all these emails. You get 14 emails. Everything you sign up for. I'm already out. I'll pay you 300 bucks to not do it. Sign this. Sign that. You got to do this. So it says you can't bring a stroller because it gets crowded. One parent at a time. Fucking don't bring a sandwich. Make sure you lose weight. It's tight space. For 300 bucks, they should be giving you a sandwich. Well, we got the $60. OK, OK, sorry. 300 is the private. So we show up. This is last week. We show up there. We walk in. I'm like a half an hour early, as always. It's just one tubby lady in the swimming pool. Hi, we'll start in 10 minutes. It's like 3.20, which is brutal because the baby's like, let me get in the pool. I want to get in the pool. It's like putting a piece of young pussy in front of him and be like, don't lick it. You're right. Both are wet. He's just staring at the pool. Be like, can we go in now? Can we go in now? Finally, like, OK, it's time. No other kids show up. There's no one else. It's still a little pricey. There's zero people. So we get the lesson. You get a private lesson. I'm getting $60 lessons for the $300 lesson for $60. Hey, all right, you beat the system. And then she goes, hey, tell some friends. It's better with a group. And I'm like, I'm not telling anybody. No, except for these people here. Yeah, well, they're not going to show up. Nah, they can't afford it. So I go, I'm not telling anyone. We went yesterday. Wow. We're all the only ones in there again. Oh, this is great. Can you imagine, though, if I had signed up for private? What if I was a big asshole and I was like, hey, I want private lessons. Right. At the pool to ourselves. Here's $3,000, $6,000. Here's $1,200. This is it. And so I'm getting private lessons for $60. This is a life hack of the year. It's like paying for first class. You're like, man, maybe I'll do coach. And you're the only guy on the plane. Exactly. Aha. It's an analogy. Well, it's similar when I went on my trip to Peru, my big hiking trip with you know who, Cleveland. Ah, yes. Cleveland Indians. Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. So I signed up. And it was like, you could do a private trip. Yeah. For like. For like $7,000 or a group trip for like $1,400. We're the only two on the trip. Oh. So it's the same deal. Genius. So I'm lucky with this. Wow. This lady fucked up. She made the prices too high. Now you're getting the benefits. Now I'm getting the private. And there's nothing they can do about it. They can't be like, hey, hey, this is a private. Yo, it's $300. I'm like, I didn't sign up for a private. Wow. Get some more business, you dizzy fuck. Tell your friends. Blow me, bitch. I'm keeping this thing on lockdown. But if you want to go, it's Wednesdays at 8 o'clock. Yeah. Yeah. The Astoria. Yep. Yeah, it's deep in Jersey. Wow. So you're getting your kid private lessons for $60. That's unheard of. It's pretty good. Yeah. I mean. We went a long way from Stevie the Great. I didn't know we were going to the pool. Well, the point was, I just saw it on the billboard. And now he's swimming like a motherfucker. And he's got the survival skills. And we're getting in the pool in the middle of the winter, which is nice. Also, pool, great for the body, works every muscle. This kid's going to be lean, mean, and alive. Oh, he's jacked. It's crazy. Because all he does. All he does is work out all day. Sure. So he's like ripped. Yeah, that's hot. He's pretty cool. Wow. Well, I got some different news. Oh, boy. And you're going to like this. Oh. I hope. I hope so, too. I got a loose booger in my left nostril. Ah, it's a bitch. I hate it. You can't get it. It's tickling. I can get it, but I'm on camera and everything. Sure, sure. But yeah, I don't care where I'm at. I'm at the family reunion. I'm on a first date. If I got a loose booger, I got to get it. So there you go, folks. Put that on the clip. Put a booger on it. Are we going to show the booger? No. That's too much. That's OnlyFans. Just a piece of cocaine. All right. So flying all over God's earth, coming back from San Antonio. You got a connected Atlanta. Long day, hungover, blah, blah, blah. Finally, I'm at the Atlanta airport, and I'm hitting the Hudson News as you do. You know, a little Clif Bar here, a little hard-boiled egg there. Put a banana up my ass. I'll take a nice jug of milk. What is that, a hoagie? You're a Clifto-maniac. Hey, I'll take it. And so then I land in LaGuardia, and I go, I always hear your voice in my head, because I go, I'll go to the lounge on the arrival. I'll get a coffee. And you went, coffee's $2. This place is coffee's $2. Coffee's $2. Meanwhile, you're getting a $60 flight or a swim pass. But so I go, all right, I won't go in the lounge. Fine. You're in my head. So I go steal some more shit from the Hudson News. I got a Vogue magazine under one arm. I got a neck pillow stolen. And I'm walking to my Uber, 8C section. Cop goes, excuse me. Oh, boy. Excuse me, sir. And I'm like 10 feet from the door. And I was like- Make a run for it. I was wheeling my little gay, you know, what is that, Hello Kitty bag. And I'm like, oh, I'm good. He goes, excuse me. Hang tight. Don't move. And I was like- Hang tight? Yeah. Yeah. He said something. He didn't say freeze, but he said halt or abort or something. And I was like, what? Me, sir? Who? Huh? I was playing dumb. And he goes, stop right there. It's all pipes. Wow. This is a 6'8 black cop with full regalia, nightstick, machine gun, bulletproof vest, Tuesday. Wow. Thank God. I know. I had three fruit roll-ups in my pussy. I was terrified. But yeah, he was like, who goes there? He really put his arm out. I was like, wait, wait. And he walked right up to me. And he got like right here. And he goes, it's all pipes. And I went, oh my God, black guy. I mean, he's got a pipe. I'd like to see his. Big Billy. Crack pipe. Wow. Good for us. Good for us. Thank you, sir. Blue lives, the whole thing. And my God, this guy scared the shit out of me. Yeah, that's scary. So you got away with it, at least. Yeah, yeah. I got in the Uber and I snacked up. But man, I did not see that coming. You see a big black cop coming towards you. You're like, well, there it goes. Yeah, I'm done. He's going to tase you. Yeah, the tables have turned. All good. All good. Tuesday. What are these cops listening? Are they in the squad car going, I put my radio in banter for the kids or whatever it is? I think so. It was a surfboard. I mean, I got a good friend who's a state cop. He listens religiously. He goes to church and gets on a, Wow. Wow. And he listens to it. Man, just imagine a bunch of black guys getting beat up with nightsticks. And it's like, and the duck fell out of his bag. But I think we have a very diverse, I'm not very diverse, but a subtly diverse, because there's some hot chicks. There's some fat ones. There's some ugly ones. We got Asians still listening somehow. We got the Jews are in, the blacks, the Latinos. Yes, yes, we're in, baby. Now, don't get me wrong. It is almost 100%. White men, 35 to 45 with rock and roll T-shirts and bad beards. Yes, yes, of course. There is plenty of hot women, and there's a couple, like, really hot women that I'm like, I can't believe. Every time they message me, I think about emailing my wife. I know, and you meet them, and you're like, I feel bad for you. You're a fan of mine. Like, what's wrong with you? Yeah, there's one lady that I'm like, you want to be like, I'll follow you. I think it'll be okay if I follow you on Instagram. Let me see your wife, your family. and your husband and your kids, please. Yes, spring break. Show up. The bikini. Whatever you got there. Shoot me a bathing suit photo if you're a fan and you're a lady. You know who I'm talking about. There you go. Or without the bathing suit if you want. No judgment here. All right. Yeah. So I got a real spooked from that cop. Easy. All right. And yeah, got home and- We're back. Went to the Super Bowl and saw the Super Bowl here and had a great time. Now, let me throw this at you. Please. Now, this is like a curb ep. Whew. So we had some people over for the Super Bowl, and one of them brought wings, which is a hit. You can't go wrong with wings. Sure. Big pile of steaming hot, you know, you had the lemon pepper, you had the whatever, the barbecue, and you had the hot sauce, whatever the wings, the buffalo. I love buffalo. Sauce. I must have eaten like 600 of these things, and I noticed during the game, the game's wrapping up. The score was like four to seven, whatever the hell it was. Low scoring game. I look over. I was like- Pretty nice pile of wings there. That's one of the perks of having a Super Bowl party. You get to keep the food. Sure. So game wraps up. Hey, here's your 20 bucks. Sorry. Ha ha. Bad bunny. Controversy. I look over. Took the wings back. I don't like that. I don't care for that at all. I was planning on eating them the next day. I mean, that's literally a Seinfeld episode. I'm sitting here with the wife going, it was like the raisins. It's like, who took the wings? Where are the wings? And the marble rye. Yeah. I'm like, would they take them back? And they're like a well-to-do couple of big swingers. Uh-huh. So I was shocked, and I was appalled. They took them back. Did they hand make them? Did they roll them and pluck them? No, they were clearly store-bought. I mean, that's as crazy as a thing. I mean, that's like the biggest faux pas there is. Isn't that wild? Yeah, yeah. That's not what you do. And I didn't even see it. I think they did it on the- Slyly. On the sly. Thank you. Stallone. No, this is the marble rye. You got to- Hopefully, they'll bring it back and fish and line it up to the window. Put the wings back. Yeah, give me that, you old bag. But yeah, I got bamboozled. What's the point of having a Super Bowl party if you can't keep the food? Now, how many wings are we talking? I'd say we started with 30. And by the end of the game, there was probably nine. And they- They took the nine. Took all niner. Do they have kids? Little kids? They got a baby. Baby ain't eating a wing. No. Yeah, it's vexing. Let me ask you this. Does Rupert have a key to your house? He might have come in after hours and just- Yeah. Rupert? I noticed the fridge was knocked over. So maybe. I mean, that's troubling. I don't care for that one bit. A little troubling. I would bring it up or not invite him back again. These people are high society, which is the most crazy part. Yeah, that's no good. Maybe this is karma, though, because remember, you used to bust tables. That's true. That you didn't work at and eat all the wings. Yeah, that's true. But I waited until they were done with them. You waited. All right. Tables. Wow. Yeah. Now, is this a comedian? Do I know this person? No, not a comedian. That's the- A comedian, I would go, all right, well, it's this fucking degenerate weirdo. But it's regular people who work at jobs, Jerry. Nine to five in an office. Now, I think it's okay if they addressed it. If they said, hey, listen, I got my cousins in town. I get it. And he's never been to Buffalo. And we want to go to Buffalo. And we want to give them these wings. No, that was the craziest part. You know, we're like doing the dishes and picking up beer cans. And I'm like, oh, let me get a wing. Huh. Did you move the wings? And she's like, no. I saw there was a couple left. I was excited to eat them. And I'm like, could they have taken back the wings? It was just like a TV show. Wow. Well, I wouldn't invite those people back. No, they're dead to me. Yeah, me too. Yeah. Now, how about this one? Please. This was about 14 weeks ago, but I totally forgot about it. Oh, I can't wait. It's kind of fun, I think. Blast for the past. This one is a little wacky. So this is when we were in Charlotte. Oh, yes. I remember that. Matt Wayner, the big snowstorm. Everyone's wacky about the snowstorm. Are we going to get out? Are we going to survive? Are we going to live? Charlotte's web. They give us two rooms. I don't know why these hotels. I mean, I get it. They don't realize we're comedian buddies. We're different. Two dudes don't want to be next to each other. I know this one. Yeah, you hear the porn. They go, yeah, we got you in 305 and 307. I'm like, I want to be on the 14th floor and the 16th floor. We're not husband and wife. I don't want conjoining rooms or whatever. No, no. And then I write out loud. So I'll finish a bit about macaroni and cheese, and I get out of the door, and he comes out of his door, and he's like, craft, huh? I'm like, ah, you heard all that? You know, embarrassing. I'm holding a pen going, ah, mac and cheese. What's up with that? Hey, hey, you're making it at home. It comes in a box, but then it's in a bowl. Well, I had this with DiPaolo 25 years ago. Same thing. We met up to go to the thing, and he was like, you can't sing Elton John in your room. And I didn't know I was singing, because when you have it blasting in your AirPods, you're like, I think it's going to be a long, long time. You don't realize how loud you are. Tiny dancer. But I'm Tiny Dicker, the kicker. So I was screaming out fucking, you know, leave on or whatever. So this time, they give us conjoining rooms, adjoining rooms, whatever, the door. Ah, I hate the door. So you each have a door. What are you, conjoining twins? So I ordered some Domino's. Domino motherfucker, what's happening? So I ordered some Domino's, the way I do. Is that Ice Cube? Yeah. Menace? No. Bad Boys in the Hood. Boys in the Hood. Boys in the Hood. Yeah. Wonderful film. Boys in the Hood could be about a guy in a Klan outfit, too. Pretty good. That could be two. Boys in the Hood, too. The Klan goes to the South Central. That's pretty brilliant. Yeah, and it's him growing up in his tough neighborhood. Right. Because they're probably, from tough neighborhoods, too, these Klan's. Oh, I'd imagine. Yeah, that's rough and tumble, like country boys. They give each other wedgies and throw each other off the truck. Sure, piss on your outfit there. Sheets. To the wind. So we got the adjoining rooms. I ordered Domino's. I text him. It's one of these ones where we're only there for like, we have like a half an hour before the show, because we drove all the way from, we went and saw Mighty Supreme. We drove from Asheville. We got like 30 minutes to eat and get ready. So I said, hey, I got some pizza over here. Yeah. He goes, all right, I'll jump over. I'll eat a couple of slices, then I'll shower. So it's one of these ones, too. You have the adjoining rooms. Yeah. And he goes, hey, I'll come through the adjoin. So I hear a knock on my adjoined door. Oh, weird. And I'm in my, I'm showered. I showered early. He comes over. He's in his underpants. I open the thing. He's like, pizza's here. And he goes, this is fun, huh? Adjoining rooms. Yeah, it's fun, whatever, yada, yada. I'm watching, I don't know what the fuck I'm watching, porn. He comes over. He comes in. When he comes in, the door closes behind him. Uh-oh. And he goes, oh, that's no big deal. He eats a couple slices of pizza. Now, he's in his underwear. We've got to leave in 20 minutes. He hasn't showered. He's got a barrette in his hair, a pigtail, and a candy thong. So we eat the pizza, not thinking anything of it. And now I want my time to meditate, jerk off, see what fits in my ass. So he goes, all right, I'll see you later. I've got to jump in the shower. And I go, well, you better be quick, because you stayed here too long. Quick shower. OK, I'll make it quick. Goes over. Oh. There's no door handle. Oh, yes. This side of his door has no door handle. Yes. So he goes, ah, shit. He goes, well, I wasn't expecting to shut behind me, but I was ready for this. I got my key. Oh, he kept it in the whiteys. Got the room key in the tiny whiteys. It was down in there. That would be uncomfortable. So he leaves. I go, all right, take care. And I have that, whew, this moment. Yes, yes. You put your feet up. I'm already showered. I got his 20 minutes. So I'm just going to sit here and chill out. And I hear, kh, kh. Kh, kh. Fuck. Oh, no. What the fuck? I go, what the fuck? What is this? We got to go. Why aren't you in the shower? He put his padlock, the safety lock, on his door. Oh, man. So this door, we can't get in because there's no door handle. Oh, my god. It locks behind. You go around to the front. He's got the key. But from the inside, he put the fucking safety padlock on. Oh, it's a perfect storm. And he's in the handicap room. There's two of, for whatever reason, he put two bolts on his door. There's one at, like, handy-tired level and one regular people level. Well, what is this guy? A Coke dealer? That's what I said. I was like, what city do you think we're in? Yeah. What is this, Judgment Night? We're going to be OK. What the fuck? So now I'm like, well, good luck. I don't know what to tell you. He's going to shower in your room, but he don't have any clothes. He's got no clothes. He has no clothes. He didn't have his phone. No phone. No clothes. I mean, he's in his tiny whiteys. And he's got no clothes. He's got a fucking bra on. He's got nothing on. Glock's ticket. He shouldn't have put that black face on. So now it's one of those things. It's like, you're my buddy. You're my boy. But I'm like, I need my chill time. I got to go digest this pizza and throw up blood. So I go, well, you better go downtown or whatever. You better get a key. Or you better go get the maintenance guy. So he goes downstairs. He comes back. And he's like, send the maintenance guy. So we got to wait. And then they just send the guy. But I'm like, I don't know what maintenance is going to do. Kick it in. Kick it in. They're going to have to. Break the door down. So the guy comes. It's like a 14-year-old black kid. He looks like he had to have been 11 years old. Oh, jeez. They said Jaleel White. And they go, oh, yeah, that happens all the time. Usually it's kids. And he says to me, he said it happens all the time. It's usually a kid. And I go, no, no, no. They don't understand what you're saying. Right. Because the kid is inside the thing. Ah. So if a kid does it, you go, OK, little Tommy. Flip it. You got to flip that thing. I'm like, they don't know what you're talking about. There's no. way of getting around this. No, I mean, you need a battering ram. So the kid comes in, this kid looked like he was 10 years old, and he's like, yo, man, what's this shit? He's like, what the hell? Oh, he's a southern black guy. Yeah, he's like, what the hell did you do here now? And we're like, yeah, it's locked from this side, and he's like, we're trying to look in, it's like this big, and I'm like, he's like, I don't know how I'm going to get in there. I'm like, yeah, well, if you can get in, the locks don't work. Ah, good point. It's like, the whole purpose is to keep people out, so he just went and got a crowbar, and so now, I should have taken a video, it was like the slippery bandits, or whatever they're called, the sticky bandits. Oh, yeah. The wet bandits. He's got, like, the thing, he's just trying to pry the thing off, so we're just standing there, Matt's in his underwear, I've got a big giant Pepsi and a popcorn, while this guy's just crowbarring his way in, and we're trying to, like, lean on the door, kick the door, bend the door, and it's, there's nothing else to do, except fucking bust the frame off the door. It's the point of the lock. I mean, the lock is working. You ever get locked out of your house, and you try to break in your own house, you go, man, this is hard. Yeah. It's supposed to be hard. Yes, so, finally, he just bent the thing, like, all the way back, and it's all fucked up, and dinged up, and doody-dooed, and we finally got it in with, like, eight minutes to spare. Now, I hate to ask, does this come out of your deposit, or whatever? I don't think so. He didn't fully break the door off. It was just all warped, and whatever, and then we were leaving, and the manager was like, he didn't break my door, did he? And we felt bad. We were like, no, no, it's in perfect condition, but you're like, but if he did, it's not his fault, it's Matt's fault. That's true. It's like, you can't blame this guy, so hopefully this kid didn't get fired. No, no, but I think ultimately it would be Matt's fault. Yeah. And then Matt would have to pay, which means you would have to pay, because you've got the room. Yeah, I should check my statements, but I think it's okay, but it was one of those, like, perfect, like, oops, oops. Yes. Uh-oh. Yes. And you're like, this is like, such a crazy thing to happen. Like, how often do you put both deadbolts on? I know. And then come through the back side door with no thing. I want to talk to Matt Wayne, because I don't know anybody who double locks. That is, I don't put that lock on. This is the afternoon. This wasn't even bedtime. Yeah, that's kooky. He must be doing some wacky shit in there with a lube and a dildo and a donkey. Yeah, I don't know, but maybe it's just fun to flip it, I guess? It's fun to flip. Because it wasn't the one with the, it's the one with just the metal, like, flap. Yeah, I know the flap. It's not the old school one. Not the arm, but the flap. I know the flap. It's just, it's like two and a half inches, three inches of square. So we had to bend it out like Beckham. Yes. But it was funky, but you're like, you feel for your buddy, but at the same time, you're like, I'm going to have no help here. Yeah, yeah. Well, also maybe put a doorknob on both sides of the door. Then I could walk into their door. That's true. If I don't know the person, I could just go, boop, boop, and walk in and go watch, you know, my sister fuck. That doesn't sound so bad. What time is it, Rupi? 58 minutes. Oh, jeez. We're going to wrap this up. I can't believe you forgot that story. That's a banger. Jesus Christ. I got a serious text. Oh, God. Are you in trouble? I hate the serious texts. I'll tell you about it afterwards. Oh, no. Can't stand a serious text. Is it like, I love you so much, or is it like, we need to talk? Yeah, it's more of that one. That's a nightmare. Not from the wife. We don't have any serious texts, but this is, you know, what are you going to do? Where are you going to be there, Fetty? My ex wants me back. It's one of those ones. JK, LOL. What day and what way? What month is it? I don't know what the fuck is going on in my life. Oh, well, San Antonio, we referenced you, March 5th through the 7th. Oh, Virginia Beach. That's in next weekend. Virginia Beach, February 27th and 28th. I haven't plugged that fucking show once. And then Fort Lauderdale. I think it's the improv down there. Yes. Yeah, that's a good room. End of March. March 27th through the 26th to the 28th, I think. And I got Governors coming up, and I got a bunch of other shit coming up. Great stuff. Check out the Epstein thing on Punch-Up Live. I forget the name. We're fucking it up, but it's going to be awesome. Tom Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian. All four specials on YouTube, streaming now. Woo-wee! Hey, I'm in Tulsa this weekend. I'm not sure when this comes out. Probably Monday, so that's over. Then I'm in a whopping Flagstaff, Arizona at the Orpheum Theater, Desert Diamond Casino in Swaharita, Indianapolis, almost sold out, Buffalo. We'd love to have you at the Helium. Then we're at Comedy Off-Broadway in Lexington, Kentucky. Fort Lauderdale as well at the Improv. I guess we're back-to-back. Good nights in Raleigh and Spokane, Washington. Philly, Helium, Milwaukee, and Irvine Improv, Tempe Improv, and then we're both going to be at the Netflix Fest. Yes. Doing a live pod. That's in May. Royal Oak, Michigan. Mark Ridley. All right. Hit us on Punch-Up. Get on the Patreon. I'm about to do a bonus right now. Things are cooking. Rupi, plug your podcast. What do you got there, Sloppy John? My podcast is Reviewing History. We go through a lot of historical movies. We talk about what's real and fake in them as we crack dick and fart jokes. It's fun. Check it out. It's anywhere you get your pods. Sounds kind of like this pod. Thank you, folks. We'll see you all in hell. Have a nice one.