#641 Black Pleasantville

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. Owie! It's a chilly billy out there. I got snow piled up to my asshole. I did a full. What do you call that? Shovel. Yesterday. I shoveled the walk. I shoveled the steps. You got any salt? Get a little salt out there, because I was slipping and sliding like Gordon Bombay out there. I'm a pepper man. I don't do the salt. And it's not. I'm not even that slick. How about Gordon Bombay at the end of Mighty Ducks? He comes out and he bumps into Mike Modano, and I forget who the other guy was, and he goes, you ever want to shot the pros? Let me know. Shot at the pros. He's been a DUI lawyer for like 10 years. He's like an alcoholic lawyer. Oh, yeah. He's like, but you kicked ass when you were eight. I'll give you a shot at the big club. What is he talking about? I thought he meant to coach. No, I think he meant to play. He's like, this guy dominated. Maybe he meant coach. Because he was the coach of the movie. He is a coach, but I think he was. It's a shot to play. And I think in the next movie, he might play. In the pros? He's going to get creamed. I think so. What is pros, by the way? They're always like, he's got great pro. Like a writer. Oh, pros. Good pros. Yeah, pros. What the fuck does pros mean? Get out of here. Is there amateurs? Is there pros? It's Proust. He's a writer. Oh, yeah. He's German. He's big, yeah. Pabst. Proust. Pros. Yeah, he's got like good. What's diction? Diction. I think that's pronunciation. Ah. Then there's pronunciation. That's like. That's like a fortune teller. Yeah, that's like who's going to win the Super Bowl. Right. But pros is just like the style of writing. Because I read all these Patti Smith books. I love Patti Smith. Yeah. And people are like, it's all pros. And I was like, oh, boy, I don't know if I like pros. And then I'm reading it. It's just a book. Well, I think it's kind of like as the rappers say, like he's got a good flow. You've got a good flow with your sentence. Maybe. Pros is the white flow. Now, Chuck's about to read the definition, and I'm going to be no closer to understanding what it means. It's on this heavy flow. What do you got? It says the ordinary language people use in speaking or writing or a dull or ordinary style, quality, or condition. So I think it's kind of trite. Trite. You're throwing trite in at the end. Come on. You're making it worse. Yeah, I don't know trite. A dull. I've got to go ride my tricycle. I think a dull or ordinary style. It doesn't stand out. It's just like how people talk. No, but pros is. That's the second bullshit. What I'm talking about is the first thing. Yeah, give me the objective, not the opinion. The ordinary language people use in speaking or writing. Okay, so maybe you're writing naturally. It sounds not written. But they say write in prose, so it means like, yeah, I went to the store. It was crazy. And they're not like, doth nuth how my store buyeth? Prozac. Oh, yeah, I took that for a while. Really? Couldn't come. No, not Prozac. I took Paxil. Oh, Bill Paxil. Uh-huh. Yeah, Paxil is anti-dip. I think so. Yeah, yeah, that's like anxiety, depression. It's all under the same umbrella. It all makes you not come. Right. Yeah, well, I think my wife's on it. Get that flag up, Adam. It's still folded in the bag over there. I know. I put it up. It was too big, and it changed the room. Huh. You know, it's a feng shui. I got a good thing going on with his office. I put that thing up, and it was too. Fruity? Not too fruity, but too intense. It popped too much. Well, I have to tell you, I don't love the purple. I love the purple-yellow of the New Orleans flag. And green. And green, yeah. I wish there was something a little more. Like, I like the black and gold saints colors. Yeah. But you need a centerpiece over there. The folks at home can't see. I think you should put the family or swastika, some kind of something. Yeah, that's not bad. Because you got something motivational right in front of the desk. Oh. You know, my old routine, we used to talk about this, I would go to Starbucks and sit in front of the mirrors. So then if I wasn't writing, I would be staring at myself being like, oh, you piece of shit. Hey, that's good. And you got to look down at the notebook, because if you look up, you're like, I hate you. Your teeth, your face, your asshole. Mmm, that's good. So I think a big mirror is helpful, because it's metaphorical. Yes. And it's prose. You know, you just look at it. Addiction. Well, it's the worst thing about the barbershop. You got to look at your fucking ugly, fat mug the whole time, and I'm like, turn me around. This is torture. Turn me around, take me back to the start. I must be losing my mind. Are you? Are you blind? Guns N' Roses. Turn around. Bright eyes. Yeah, just when they put you sideways for a second and snip the side, I'm like, oh, I got a new view. I'm looking at every blemish, pockmark, zit, scrape, scratch. Prose. Well, the thing that is good for me is I'm blind as a bat. I don't wear my glasses really good. Oh, bust those off. So I'm just a blurry, handsome fella the whole time. Oh, that's not bad. It's like beer goggles. Yeah, exactly. For yourself. Well, I had the old bit about it where the lady, true, she buzzed my eyebrows with clippers. I never had that before. Oh, yeah. And because I'm so blind, I couldn't see my eyebrows. And there was a moment where I was like, I think she might have just shaved my eyebrows off my face. Oh, that's terrifying. It really is. Yeah, my lady is blind as a bat. She wears contacts. So at night, she's looking around for my dick, and it's so small, she's not finding anything. But anybody broke in, it'd be over. Like, the cat comes in, and she's like, I hope that's the cat. And I'm like, wow, you got nothing. Well, if she could see color, she'll be fine. Yeah. She'll be like, that ain't Mark. That's a good point. It's a black mark. Big black blob coming towards her. But yeah, she gets off the bed, and she's got to feel her out. It's wild. That's kind of hot. It's like Stevie Wonder. Well, I would have her fuck without the contacts in. That way, you look a little better. We do that all the time. And she gets to pretend I'm somebody else. Right. Yeah, do you ever do glasses with her? Because Sarah has blue blockers. Oh. Is that what they're called? No. What's the computer? What's that called? Oh, yeah, the yellowy. They're not even yellowy. They're clear, but they're, I don't know. Aviator? I know what you're talking about. It's called something. Something. But anyways, every once in a while, I'll be like, put these on, you nerd whore. Yeah, I like that, too. A little librarian skank. Mm-hmm. Yeah, so you know what I was thinking? Well, you said something. Sure did. Yeah. What did you say? Well, it's funny how you talk about the flag. Oh, black and gold. Oh, yes. Well, isn't it funny how black tends to be associated with rich a lot? Yeah, we got the black card. Uh-huh. Then you got uber black. That's the nice one. Oh, black car, yeah. That was another one I had. Black tie. Black tie affair. Black tie affair. Black is fancy. Well, it's sleek. It's slick. Yeah. It's hot. Yeah. But then you go black neighborhood. Whew. Yeah, it's a dead story. Yikes. So with the card and the black tie and the uber, they're doing all right. Black, what else? Black, black, black. Black lawn. Black lawn. Black ice. Black ice. Tom Dustin, I think, had a joke when we first started about black ice. Sounds like black guys. And his mother was like, watch out for black guys. And he's like, I always do. Something like that. Oh, yeah. Some kind of joke like that. I would say the same for a black eye. Sounds like black guy. Oh, yeah. I got a black guy in my basement. Exactly. Black eye, black-eyed peas. Oh. Did they sing Let's Get Retarded in here? They did. Was that them? That was the original tune. And then they. Flipped it. Yeah, they had to flip it. You'd think a producer in the building was like, we might be able to sell more records if we changed Retarded to It Started. It's a different time. That was just like, it is getting retarded in here. Right. Well, but it wasn't that different because they did have to change it to It Started. That's true. That's true. But I think the fact that they even made it and had no questions, like, how the fuck did Soul Man get made? Soul Man. Soul Man is the movie about a guy who goes, huh, I'll get into a college if I'm black. Oh, I thought you meant the song. Soul Man. Oh, no, no. Steve Cropper. Great song. But yeah, they see Thomas Howell goes full black face, hands, neck, feet, and dick. Woo-wee. Yeah, and James Earl Jones is in it. Well, also, I mean, not that long ago, Robert Downey Jr. was nominated for Academy Award for wearing black face. Deserved. Yeah. I mean, so. Killed it. And the crazy. You want to talk Oscars, times change, whatever. 2002, I've definitely talked about this before, 2002, Roman Polanski won Best Director and got a standing ovation. Wow. This lets you know how horseshit Hollywood is. This man admitted to fucking a 15-year-old. And moved to the Europe. Yeah, was like, yes, I fucked her. I didn't drug her, but I did fuck her. Yeah, in a hot tub in the ass. In the keister. Whoa. Keystone Cups. I don't even know what that means either, really. I think it's an old show. Pennsylvania. Keystone State. Is that Keystone? I think that the Keystone State. It was a beer called Keystone State. It was a beer called Keystone for a while, too. Oh, that's right. Well, whatever, but yeah, Roman Polanski, convicted child rapist, or admitted, I don't know about convicted, but the whole Hollywood press, they all voted for him and stood up and said, whoo, which ironic, or coincidentally, interestingly, it was for a Holocaust movie. So back then, it was like, it's about the Holocaust, so he wins, because Holocaust was big. But now, if you made a movie that was like, the Jews. He'd be like, hey, we're not voting for this son of a bitch. Yeah, yeah, Jews are out. This son of a bitch is ice cold. And on top of that, if the guy had fucked a child, they really would be upset. Well, you want to throw a little cherry on top of that child fucker cupcake. Will Smith slaps a man on stage in front of the entire world, wins the Oscar. And gets a standing O also. Did he get a standing O? He got partially. Wow. Maybe they were just like, I can't believe this. I've got to take a better look. And he's bad at acting. He sucks. And he's a bad actor. He sucks. That guy sucks. I like Fresh Prince, though. That was fun. That was a good time. Yeah. You didn't like Hancock? Hancock? That was one of his big action movies. Oh, I can't watch him in an action movie now. I hope Chuck falls down the stairs right here. Not serious, just like a whoop. Yeah, that'd be fun. Like a nice bump. Right on the butt. I take it back, Chuck. You're going to hear this. I don't want you to get hurt. Well, fat guy falling is tough to beat. Yeah, it really is. But any farts. Anywho. I mean, Will Smith, I just think he's like going for it guy. Yeah, he's no good. Welcome to IRF. But we just, you're right. The point is Hollywood is just, they'll just go with the flow. Whatever's cooking, they're looking. That's all it is. But I mean, the idea of even, it's not like 2002 was the third. I mean, what time period was everyone? I mean, I guess in the 70s. You would think, like, fuck the 15-year-old against her will. Whatever. It's a great movie. Great film. Like, 2002 was not, you know, the 30s. Sure, sure. So, you know. Well, also, now we're going to the Wayback Machine. Marlon Brando brought that Native American on stage. And she went, hello, I'm Long Labia, whatever. And she got booed. If you watch it on YouTube, she's getting booed. Oh, wow. Not the whole crowd, but partially. I think it turned out. And also, she wasn't Native American at all. She was, like, Guatemalan or something. Oh. Yeah. She was like your nanny. Boo them. Yeah. Boo Guatemala. Guatemala. But, yeah. She might have just been tan. I have no idea. There you go. Yeah. And I think he fucked a lady in the ass with butter against her will. Last tango in Paris. He did some funky stuff. Whoa. I didn't know. In real life or in the movie? Yeah, it's not good. It's in the movie. But I think the actor, years later, was like, I don't know what went on there. I signed. There was no scene written. Wow. I went in, and they just shoved a can of butter and a bust of Brando in my asshole. Well, maybe she was obsessed with Indians, because they got one right on the butter packet. What's that lady's name? Land O' Lakes? Land O' Lakes. Yes. That's it. Minnesota. Hashtag. They're having a great month. Ooh, boy. Hi-ya. Hi-ya. Hi-ya. Yikes. Hey, how are you? Hey, how are you? Ooh, Nelly. Well, you ready for this humding? Please. Please ding my hum. So, you know, our old pal Gil, Gildet, Shane Gil, he's doing The Garden last week, or whenever this comes out, three years ago, and he sold out, I don't know, five of them, something like that. Unbelievable. In a blizzard, mind you. But so I go, all right, he's doing Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I leave Friday for Oregon. So I'll pop in Thursday, a pal of ours is doing The Garden. That's a milestone. You pop in. I pop. So I text his people. I text Becky. Remember Becky? Of course I know Becky. That's his manager. I go, hey, Becky. You know me. I know you. I'm open for the guy. I think I've earned some green room status. And she goes, I got you. Your names are at Will Call. And I go, can I bring a friend? She goes, sure. I go, okay. She said, you got two. You plus one at Will Call. Utah. Get me two. There you go. Two-ta. So I do my sets, and I run over there. It's freezing cold. And I go to one entrance. They go, oh, you're way off. You got to go around to 7th Avenue to 35th Street. And I go, oh, God. So you run out there. You get to that window. And the clock's ticking, by the way. I got to catch him before the show's over. Right. Because they're going to flip that room and get us all out of there. So I got to get the cameo in. I got to get the FaceTime. So this is late in the night now. Late in the night. I think the show started at 8. We're talking like 9, 15. Okay. So I'm hustling. So I go to the second. Second entrance. Woo! Who the hell sent you here? Are you nuts? This is crazy. This is where the union guys come in and all that. Who do you think you are? You got to go to One Penn Plaza or whatever the hell. I remember this the few times I've gone. It's a whole shigaboo. Went to You Penn Plaza. The guy goes, look, you got to go to the main entrance. That's where Will Call is. And I was like, I know, but I'm a backstage guy. You're a VIP. Yes. And he goes, it's at Will Call. So I go, gah! So I run. I run all the way to 7th Avenue back and then go into the main, you know, the general pop. Oh, boy. So I go through. You got to go through the beep, boop, boop, boop. They wave you. They wand you. They dildo you. And you go, okay, great. I go to Will Call. They're all shut. Yeah, it's late in the evening. It's union. They all went to bed at 8.30. But now I'm pissed because I'm running up and down. I'm huffing and puffing. And some lady goes, whoa, slow down there, big fella. And I go, look, you don't know. I've been all over the place. I'm a backstage guy. And she goes, what's your name? And I go, Mark Norman. She goes, oh, here. She had the envelope. Crazy. A lady? The random working lady with a vest. This is crazy. That's so frustrating because you're like, you know where you belong. And then nobody else. But also, they have to do this because they can't just have Tom, Dick, Harry, and Chuck walking in being like, hey, I got a camera. Let me in there. Exactly. And look, I didn't kill Tony at the Garden. I could barely. I could barely get in. So they're doing their job. They're doing it right. But comedians don't give you any information. Right. I remember doing this with Louie. We showed up together. Yeah. And it was still not easy to do. And he's like, I'm on the poster. And you've got to still go through security and the thing. I'm on the digital thingy. So she hands me an envelope. I go, finally, I'm in. But then I open up the envelope. It's two tickets. No pass? I'm in row B, seat A. I got like a ticket ticket. And I'm like, hey, bitch, I'm not watching the show. I've seen the hour. I know the guy. I went backstage. So she's not answering because she's running around doing blow and whatever. So I go, all right, I'm going in. And I'm just going to walk backstage at the Garden. Oh, boy. So I got my tickets. And I'm walking around going, hey, my ticket. And everybody, every usher is going, where are you sitting? Let me see the ticket. And I go, look, I'm a backstage guy. I'm going backstage. He's like, you're not going backstage. Who the fuck are you? Do you want to show the text thread of like, here's Shane sending me a picture of his mom's tits. And I'm texting him a picture of my dump. I showed one guy the email. Because I had an email like, here's your two passes, whatever. And he was like, I don't know. Anybody can make that. AI is a thing. And I was like, all right, all right. So I just keep, the guy goes, you're over there, blow it. And I just keep walking. I just keep going towards that tunnel, that entrance. Yes, sure. So eventually, like three guys are on to me. And they're like crowding me. They're like, you're not going anywhere. So now I'm getting boxed in. I'm like, I swear to God, I'm a VIP. And I look like Lee Harvey Ott. I look like a psycho at this point. I deserve to be back there. I know Shane. Now, do you have a buddy? Did you bring a buddy? No, I didn't bring a buddy. No buddy, OK. So I got there. And I'm boxed in by these three mooks from Long Island with vests on. And then another guy comes up and goes, what the hell's going on over here? Meanwhile, there's a giant show going on. Matt McCusker's on stage, you know, killing. And I'm just like fighting. You know, I'll. And so then one guy comes over. He's like the head usher. And he's like, what the hell? I'm about to crack some skull. I'm about to tase this motherfucker. And he goes, Sam Morrill. And I go, yeah. And he goes, get back here. I got in. That's Sam? That's Sam. That's amazing. Did you do Sam all night? That would be funny. You're like, is this funny? Sorry, I stepped on it. Would this be a bit? But yeah, so finally, I get back there. It's like Soder and Sal Vulcano and, you know, Lev and all these guys. So you're like, well, they're friends. What was he, bussing tables? But he was eating it. But yeah, he was back there and a bunch of people, Big J and all these people. So I made it. Oh, thank God. It was food galore and a spread. And Shane, I see Shane. He goes, you should be doing the show. And I go, do it. I can barely get in. Well, that. And you're like, I think he can get me on. That's true. Yeah. How about that? How about that text? Well, last night, I'm on stage. We'll get into Sesh. But I was on stage. There was a guy wearing a Shane Gillis hoodie, Mass Square Garden. And I was like, oh, you got this great show. You saw Soder and Voss. And he was like, Soder and Voss? He's like, I saw Dave Attell and Louie. Oh, wow. And I'm like, that's a tough one. I mean, respectfully to Voss, my main man. But if I went and saw Soder, Voss, and Shane, and then the next night you were there and you saw Attell, Louie, and Shane, I'd be like, hey, let me get a couple bucks back. Yeah. I heard one night it was Attell, Che, Louie, or something like that. And apparently, Che just stole it. Wow. Yeah. Apparently, Louie's working on some new, I heard. But Attell, you know, annihilated. But yeah. Working out new at an MSG guest spot. Yeah. That's a funny place to be. Had the joke book out and everything. No, there's no way. I don't know about the joke book. The joke book can't be true. I think he brought an easel and some props. I don't know. I mean, that's disrespectful if that's true. a joke book at MSG but it's also hilarious Is that Shane's like I'm doing New York I'm just gonna get The best comedians In New York To do my show And we've Well we got all into like You know you gotta have A black guy You gotta have a white guy You gotta have a lady He's just like I'll have Louis Attell Colin Quinn Dan Soder Michael Che Like he's just like I'm just gonna book The best show Yeah of course Which is just so fun Cause somehow That's controversial Right But he's like I'm just gonna Do the show I want I'm at the Garden Yeah of course I think that's where We're at now I think we're done With all the other crap I don't know I don't know I'm saying we I don't know about The other people We've been done with it Since day two Yeah we never But speaking of which Sesh last night Boy it was a cavalcade Of cis white gendered bros And Rachel And Rachel Yeah we had Rachel But And Sagalow's a little hairless He's smooth Yeah and he's blackish too He's got jewelry He raps That's true He's fat So we got that going on Yeah No I think he knows he's dead I was joking Alright Hi folks This episode is brought to you By Prod. 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Sesh Joe List Downtown Comedy Show Showcase We built It's a hottie The greatest show of all time And then Danny Frankel That pimple Yeah And Salicu's That wart They fucking commandeered my show Together they make a herpy So they We shot this thing last night It's gonna be called Epstein File Under 15 15 and under 15 and under Something Clever name I liked it And we all did our Epstein jokes Because there's no one more relevant Than Jeffrey Epstein Yeah Cygler came out and goes By the way, I looked it up He died seven years ago Which is very funny Wow Oh, I didn't know that So we had Norton Norton? Oh, Norton's got 20 minutes on Epstein He was amazing I think he knew him He did the funniest thing ever He went up and he's like I don't know I wasn't watching the show I don't want to step on anybody's jokes here So if I repeat anything I just, I apologize But Epstein was a great man He was a good friend And then he went out He did a whole Epstein thing He did like a 100% Epstein thing He had like brilliant jokes It was fucking hilarious Oh, so we'll hit the road We'll hit the 15 then Because I did about three on it It's going to be long Yeah, I did a couple minutes I basically just riffed I mean, if anyone's Trump supporter They're not going to enjoy my set But what are you going to do? I went pretty hard on the old fella But we had Sagalow, Ronan, Rachel Yeah Who else? There was like 12 people on the fucking show Maybe there weren't that many, actually Jonathan Van Halen Who I only met last night He was very funny He was very funny He was very funny Oh, it's Norton, Rachel, myself You Yeah Sagalow Ronan Jonathan I feel like we're missing one person Vitor! Oh, jeez Vitor was on Sorry, Gary And he killed me It was fucking magical The show is so packed in there It's hot There's hot people Hot women Hot men And the room is amazing They puff smoke in there Like they release Yes, yes Haze, they call it Haze, Rob Haze Rob Haze So that was amazing We had Lex was there And Salacuse was running around Tripping over Every two minutes Someone was stumbling And I look And Salacuse is on a knee down there Shooting Yeah, doing a full cap predict What I love about Salacuse A, he's got his boots Got a hole in it His sweater had weird flowers on it I don't know what that was about But he's on his knee Filming you And I'm watching him Watch you He's holding the camera He's giggling Like a schoolgirl Watching He's having the time of his life Going Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee I see the camera And I go That's the shake That's the shake That's where he gets it And then he goes Oh Yeah Oh He does that thing Oh Yeah Yeah, he does that crap And it's It's like a date It was amazing And my agent was there My manager was there Salacuse was there Danny Frankel was there It was like a Who's who It was industry was there And Vitor had some great stuff He's a great hang And everybody fucking killed And the crowd never got tired No They just We just kept We just kept going Into the night White hot And Rana Fucking killed But man Sagalow He's got something special Going on right now Wow And he's no joke He's with UTA Oh Good for him I didn't know that He's taken off He's through the stratosphere And my respect to Soder Is bring him on the road And respect to Luke Monas And Matt Wayne My openers But I wouldn't want to deal With Sagalow I mean he's up there like Like doing crazy shit And kill a joke I'm telling you Frank will send me his clip I want to watch Well Salicus can shoot it right over Oh that's true I mean it's like Deaf comedy jam It's unbelievable Everyone's like I can't go up to Sagalow I'm not going up to Sagalow And he's got I'm like can you close He's like yes Oh I like that He's not even like Well I don't You know I was late He's like yeah I'll close this fucking thing So he's got the He's got the goods this fellow Hey alright Alright I can't wait to watch Did his podcast also And he's hilarious on there Oh boy Maybe he doesn't like The sound of this Sagalow talk He's not a fan They have the same body But The baby Did like a half step today He's right there Oh that's fun So I'll probably miss it During this episode But he did one of these And it fell Oh that's exciting I'm counting it Very exciting It's really fun And then it's just On the move I know Forget it It's gonna go right down that stoop Well then it Yeah it becomes that thing Of like oh my god Holy shit Jesus Yeah A lot of smashing the face All that good stuff And he's already opening drawers He's chug it like cleaning supplies oh that's fun and you'll Take plates and smash them. Like a Greek. Like a Greek Connie Corleone. Yeah. But anyways, keep an eye out for this. Epstein Files. 15 under 15 or whatever. And I don't know if it's going to be pay what you want or something like that. It's dicey. I mean, every single person literally was like, fucking kids, rape kids, kid rapes. Bringing it back, baby. So Punch-Up, it's nasty on there. And I want to give a shout out to Punch-Up. You've got to get in there. They are like doing ticketing and email. Oh, yeah. And they got every date up there. This is the website comedy fans have been praying for. Yeah. And they got Bill Burr. They got Sam Morrill. They got you. They got Louie. They got everybody. Everybody's on there. And Danny's the man. And he just loves comedy. But also, we're putting up all kinds of crazy bonus stuff. And I think that might be the new Patreon over there. Oh. Well, because here's the thing. I mean, I don't know. Does Patreon listen? Does Patreon listen to this? Because. Is that a person? I don't know. Yeah. Is it like Bill Patreon? Because Patreon takes a big cut. Punch-Up will take a smaller cut. Plus, our website is on there. They're promoting our show. Yes. And so, there you go. Put that in your pipe and blow me. We may be shifting gears. And I don't know if anyone's left in our Patreon anyways. Well, yeah, we're doing all right. You know what I think? Somebody is going to offer to buy Punch-Up in like 10 years. You know, some big cum-guzzling. Some corporation is going to go like, this guy's annoying. Buy this guy. Give him a billion bucks. Right. It's a good point. He is annoying. Yeah. He's a disruptor. He looks just like Ben Shapiro. I see him and I'm like, I think I'm talking to Shapiro. Whoa. I never thought of that. It's dead on. Wow. I mean, he's a dead ringer for Shapiro. And he talks fast. He's got the high voice. And he's a dirty hebe. Oh, whoa. So, yeah, you might have something there. All right. What else you got? I haven't seen you since the 80s. Well, I guess I saw you last night. And last week. Yeah, well, how about this? What are you talking about? So, I flew to Oregon. What, do you live in Oregon? I feel like you were in Oregon three days ago. I was, because of the snowstorm. I got snowed in. But didn't you go there recently? Bend? Or am I just mixing up stories? Oh, I see. So, I went to Bend. So, you got to fly to whatever the hell. Denver. I hate connecting in Denver, that fucking airport. Fly to Denver, then connect and go to Bend. Now, Bend. Have you been to Bend? I've been to Bend. It's like my district. It's beautiful. It's like Aspen. I love Bend. And, yeah, there's a little arcade in the center of town that we rented out. It was during my buddy's birthday. And it was like me and my niece and nephew, we had the time of our lives. It was like, we had it for an hour. We went crazy. Yeah, they put you in a fun hotel, the mountain ranges and all that shit, the snow caps. It's freezing out there. Everything's snowy. It's cute. A lot of L.L. Bean. A lot of big dogs. A lot of hemp. Oof. So. We do the Rock Club. Oh, I love a Rock Club. Yeah, I like them, but they get rowdy. They're chugging IPAs, these animals. I guess I don't like them either. Whatever you like, I like. I don't love them. Yeah, me either. I like Dick. Well, you know what I like about a Rock Club? I like being backstage. You see all the posters. I love that. And you're like, whoa, Dispatch was here. Hey, Rushmore played here. The Gay Farts were here. Right. And you're like, Arcade Fire did blow right here, whatever it is. So, you know, I go out there with my opener, Brent. He's a Portland guy. He killed. What's his last name? Lowry. Oh, I don't know Brent Lowry. Skinny guy. Hmm. Sounds ugly. So, he goes up, he kills, and then I go up, and it's just, it's a firefight. You know, like, oh, pep, pep, pep. You know, you get this guy, a lot of yelling, but they were fun. And then we painted the town red. We went to McMiniman's. McMiniman? You don't know McMiniman? A two-drink McMiniman? No. I don't know McMiniman. McMiniman is this. It's a company. I don't know. It's a family, a guy, something. Look this up, Choo Choo. So, this guy, Jeff McMiniman, he bought all these old schools, hospitals, chocolate factory, whatever it is, and he turns them into bars. Oh. And hotels. So, you go there, and you're like, what was this? An old convent? You know, you see a picture of a kid getting diddled and a swastika, what do you call it? Not a swastika. The cross. Crucifix? Crucifix. Hulk Hogan. You see the crucifix, and you go. And they go, oh, this is an old little boy's home or something. Oh. And now there's a bar over there, there's a skeeball over there, and a wet t-shirt contest. That sounds wonderful. I like this McMiniman. They're all over the Pacific Northwest. What do you got? It's true. It says, McMiniman and his brother, Brian, are famous for transforming historic, derelict buildings, including schools, poor farms, and hotels, into unique destination pubs, hotels, and breweries. I didn't know a bar could be derelict. I thought a person is derelict. Yeah. Yeah. I think derelict just means out of function. Yeah. I'm not kidding. Yeah. I thought dilapidated. Yeah. Now, can a person be dilapidated? If a building can be derelict, can a person be dilapidated? Yeah. Also, derelict sounds like a name. You know derelict? Derelict, Eric is pussy. Yeah, exactly. Wrecked her. Damn near killed her. But, yeah. So, we went to McMiniman's. And we just got sloppy jalopy. And then, you wake up. And then, you go, we got to drive to Grand Ronde. Grand Ronde. I've never heard of that. That's where the next gig is. So, basically, I had this casino gig. So, I told my agent, book me at casinos because the payday is insane. And it's one night so I can be back with the kid. Right. So, he booked me on Saturday at Grand Ronde Spirit Mountain Casino. And I said, well, if I'm going to Oregon, might as well hit me with a Friday. So, he found this rock club. Okay. So, that's kind of how my routing is. We're working now. But we drove to Grand Ronde, went to this casino. And, whoo, it is a wild sight out there. It's like two hours out of Portland. Wow. Two hours out of Portland is a little funky. Oh, it's crunchy. It's funky. It's hillbilly. I mean, we're out in the mountains. These are mountain people. Right. And we had a great time and drank again as well. But, whoo, it's a scene out there. And then, whoa, mama. We got a big dump of snow in New York. Every flight I've ever had is canceled. Well, yeah, it's crazy because I was, like, blown away. So, I was in Carolina dealing with this. I was in North Cackalacka. We did the rock club, Orange Peel, which Smashing Pumpkins did, like, a week there, which is crazy. Because I had the same thing. I'm like, Billy Corgan was sitting here? That's fucking nuts. What is it? Is it cool? Do you hate it? Do you like it? Is it hip? Is it bad? Is it. The Peel? Yeah, the Peel. What's the appeal? The Peel is fantastic. It's a big rock club. And these people were not rowdy. This is in Asheville, which is a crunchy town. It's like a lesbian, Subaru, mountain-y town. A lot of armpit hair. But it was a funky travel weekend. So, it's one of these ones we had Asheville Thursday, the Orange Peel. Yes. Friday, Saturday, Charlotte Comedy Zone, which I've never been to. That's, like, the foundational comedy zone. Yeah, I love that club. The mother club. Charlotte, baby. Which, somehow, I just never did the comedy zones. Because for a while, it was like, you've got to get packed. When we were younger, it was like a thing. It was like, kind of like you've got to go to visit Stroop in Ohio to get at the Funny Bones. It was kind of that kind of thing. So, I just never was there. And then, I don't know what happened there. So, anyways, we did Asheville Thursday, Comedy Zone Friday, Saturday. But there's no direct flights to Asheville, on Delta, at least. So, I'm like, fuck it. I'll fly direct to Charlotte, rent a car. I got Matt Wayne with me. We fly to Charlotte, rent a car. I'm like, all right. So, we'll drive two hours west to Asheville. That's not bad. But then, I hate losing my Friday on the road. I love Friday morning. You wake up. You do whatever. You've got the whole day. You work. You work out. You do yoga. You suck your own dick. Whatever it is. So, I'm like, after the show, we'll turn around and drive back to Charlotte. Okay. Two hours is doable. But it's a two-hour, two-and-a-half-hour flight. Rent a car. Drive two hours. Do the show. Then, drive back two hours. True that. Plus, I wake up at fucking 7 o'clock in the morning. So, I'm like, all right. So, we get there. So, we get there. So, we get there. We get to the hotel in Charlotte for that night. We fly down. We land. Then, now, I have a good manager, good agent. Yeah. We're doing well in the business. Becky. So, in the old days, you would just be like, well, it's going to snow. I guess I'm going to live in North Carolina for a month. But now, the manager's like, I'll tell you what. We're not sending you into a snowstorm. I'll tell you that. So, we're going to figure something out. We're not sending you if it's going to snow. But part of you is like, eh, wouldn't mind getting snowed in in Charlotte. Sure. Sunday was championship Sunday. The Patriots. The Patriots go to the Super Bowl. Very exciting. How about this? Did I tell this? I don't think we've done it since. So, we made Marty his first dentist appointment. We're going to the dentist this week. Oh, no. So, the Patriots. Oh, he's excited. He's pumped. Well, wait until he gets there and they give him the old heave-ho. No, they just brush it. He's two. The teeth don't even matter. They're temporary. I'm picturing drilling and his little feet going up. No, they brush his teeth. They just give him a sticker, I think. He's going to be rinsing it like there's no tomorrow. So, he's all excited about the dentist. He's like, can we go to the dentist today? That's adorable. So, the Patriots win the game and I scream, we're going to the Super Bowl. And he goes, and the dentist. Is that gold? That's cute. I mean, I was like crying. I was like, the Patriots won. I couldn't believe it. I picked him up. We're jumping. I'm like, we're going to the Super Bowl. That's adorable. And the dentist. And the dentist. So, he's pumped for the dentist. He doesn't care about the Super Bowl. No, he doesn't get it. And he farts. So, I was like, part of me was like, maybe I'll get snowed in, watch the games all by myself. It'll be great. What do you got there? Well, that's me watching the Patriots game in the casino. Oh, fun. I'm just leaning on a slot machine. I'll sit. it to you. Put it in there. Yeah, stick it in there. But that snow, I love that snow. That's why I text you. Great game. You were back. Incredible. It was wonderful, and the good guys won. But anyways, so we fly down to Charlotte. We drive the two hours, and then they're like, it's going to be the snowstorm of the century. Forget about it. Ice, snow, your mother's cunt. So we move the Saturday shows. We're like, sorry, we've got to cancel those, but if you have tickets to the Saturday, you can come Friday. One of those deals. Wait a minute, wait a minute. But wasn't the show Friday? We have two shows Friday, two shows Saturday. At the Zone. At the Zone. So Orange Peel was Thursday. Orange Peel was Thursday. Got it, got it. So the Saturday ticket holders, you're like, you can take those tickets, and you can come in Friday. We'll just pack it out Friday. Got it. So we drive to the Orange Peel. Orange Peel was fucking fantastic. Big rock club. It looks like a big rock club. Big brick building. Legendary room. Yeah. Great room, and we packed it out, and they were a fucking great crowd. Hell yeah. Then, some of these fans, as you know, a little bit on the psychotic side. Sure, you don't say. So I'm doing a meet and greet and selling shirts. Matt Wayne and I. We go in the back. There's a man sitting right where you are, this close. So I'm standing here. I was selling the shirts. Guy's standing here, vaping and drinking. He's got a baseball hat, and his head is. I thought I was going to get killed. He's staring at me like this the whole time. Oh, yeah. I know this tape. And I'm like, all right, you want a large? Hey, large! All right, I better get a large! And I'm doing the whole spiel. Sure. This is the best shirt you ever had. We're going to have this for a long time. And I just, out of the corner, I glance. He's staring at me. Yeah. And he looks like an assassin. And I'm like, this is insane. And I'm talking never breaks, stared, never stops looking. And he's not even facing me. He's facing this way with his head turned. Oh. So I'm like, this is it. I'm going to get my dick cut off and shoved in my own ass the way I've always wanted. Is he security, baby? So here's the thing. So the line is down. The line just goes. It's very exciting feeling. It's 300 people in line. Everyone's very nice. And he's got to hear me. It's embarrassing when there's security there, because they hear you say the same bullshit to everyone. Oh, hey, wow! I know, I know. That's crazy. I have this shirt. I'm gay. My father. Because you're just in mode of like, I don't know what to say. So I'm like, whoop, blep. I call it the pull the string in the back mode. Right. Comedy. I'm gay. Sex with kids. My father's gay. Jews killed Jesus. Whatever it is. There's a snake in my boot. So you're talking. And finally, I just keep looking, and I'm like, man, keep an eye out for this guy. And he's like, what is it? And I'm like, the guy over there, just watch him. Yeah. Huh? And now I don't want to be controversial here. Oh, boy. Is it a vinegar? The security at the rock club, very nice, could not have been nicer, but it's like a woman. It's a woman with, not even like a cop woman. It's like a girl, like a nice girl. She's like, I'm the security. Like a hippie chick. This is also funny. She's like, I'm also the food runner. So if you order food, I'll go get your food. And I'm like, well, how can you be both? Yeah, what if I get shot while you're making a run for a pizza? Exactly. I'm like, you're going to get the tacos. This guy's going to rape my father. Exactly. So I'm like. Also, imagine that on the news. What happened? Why'd you stop the guy? I was getting nuggets. Yeah. Joe wanted McDonald's. Yeah. So anyways, so I'm sitting there, like, saying to Matt, like, you got to watch my back here. There's a guy here. And he's like, what? And then I'm like, you got to watch out. There's a guy. This guy's crazy. And Matt's like, oh, yeah, I was talking to him about the show. He's nuts. And I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ. So now the line is dwindling. This lunatic is staring at me. At one point, a guy came back behind the counter and goes like, hey, what's up, man? And this guy, the psycho, gets up and goes, hey, sir, you can't be back here. So I'm like, oh, he's security. Woo! Which is weird because everyone's wearing uniforms and has the earpiece and all black. This guy's just dressed like, you know, you are. And he's vaping and drinking. So I'm like, one of the security guys is drinking and vaping, but he came back here and yelled at that guy. All right. So I'm relieved. Yeah. So then we sell all the shirts. Fishy. Gets attacked at the bottom, and the guy, finally, the guy who's been staring at me without breaking eye contact, stands up and goes, I don't work security. I'm just a huge fan. I think you're great. Oh! And I'm like, ah! It was a twist of fate or whatever. Did you go, hey, if you're a big fan, maybe you know not to stare at me? That might bother me. That might make me nervous. Well, I was so scared of him, and I still am. But I was like, okay, okay. Thank you, sir. Goodbye. Bye-bye, kids. I just was shitting my pants, and he walked away, and I'm like sweating. And then you go to the security person, and you're like, that was nuts. And she's like, yeah, yeah, he was crazy. And I'm like, well, could you tase him or whatever? But evidently, he's on our team. He's great. He was very nice. And he was like, thanks so much, man. I love the show. Well, two words to the wise. One, if you're Matt Wayne, if you're anybody and somebody whispers to you, don't go, ah! Because if someone's whispering to you, they want it to be quiet. So that's already a fuck-up. And two, the fans, we love you dearly, all that, blah, blah, blah. But the staring is a problem. Because I've had this where I'm out with the wife, and she's like, this guy's staring at us. And I'm like, oh. And he's got a beard, and he's ugly. So I'm like, ah, he's probably one of ours. But just get it over with. That's my point. That's my point. Just come up and go, hey, I'm gay. It's all pipes. And I'll pat your ass and then lick your dick. And then you can move on. I say it all the time. And it happens all the time. Because it is. Because they're trying to figure out if it's you. But it feels, and I think it's like the city life or the New England, they're just like, yes. And so you're like, here we go. I'm about to get my ass fucking kicked. And then they're like, I'm a fan. You're like, oh, Jesus. I know. Just knock it out. And we're all happy to oblige. Of course. But also, I think they're doing the, is that the guy? So we see it as this. Right. But they're going, oh, is that him? So they're assessing, whereas I'm like, you're staring. Yeah. Well, this guy was intimidating, but very, very nice. And people were so kind. So then we ended up staying in Asheville, because I didn't feel like driving back. So we got a hotel there. We had two hotels. We had one in Charlotte and one in Asheville. You lost the money. Well, you spend a couple bucks, whatever you're going to do. Sure. So then we drove Friday morning to Charlotte. Now, I'd never been to the comedy zone. Oh, I love the zone. That is like one of the best rooms. I want to shoot a fucking special there. It's a killer room. Perfect comedy layout. Underground, low ceiling, dark, wide. It's like a bowl. Yeah. It's beautiful. And their security, they're amazing. It was a black woman. I forget her name, but she was amazing. She took every photo in the line security. She walked us everywhere. She took us everywhere. They had to shoot a guy with a gun there not that long ago. Yeah, they get that. I was like, what the hell goes on here? And there's a nightclub next door. So it's a little dice. And there's like a detail cop there, which I love. Put cops right in my fucking showroom. Well, it's an urban room. Oh, is that right? Yeah, mostly. I'd say it's about 70% urban, so they get the security in there. Well, they were great. The staff, one of the nicest staffs ever. Great fucking green room. And great crowds. I mean, it was awesome. I started there real early because it was a southern thing. Right. Very southern town over there. Interesting. Just the food, the culture, the hospitality. It's got a good southern charm. No, they could not have been nicer. And I said this to Matt. I'm like, anybody that hates black people or is like fucking racist, whatever, which I think is less than there used to be. A lot less. Yeah. Go to North Carolina. Oh, that's great. Every waiter, staff, security, door guy, hotel, just a black. Hey, y'all! Come on in! What you doing? I'll get you this. I'll give you a biscuit. We got free breakfast. Watch out for that. I mean, it was like, I felt like I died and went to Black Pleasantville. I never saw that movie, but. Isn't that movie about like a pleasant? It's really nice. Black and white. But yeah, that is very white, Pleasantville. But the airport, every single person I bumped into, it couldn't have been nicer. Yeah, you go to LAX, the fat black lady's like, move, bitch! You're like, Jesus! But you go to Charlotte and she's like, how you doing, sugar? Yeah. I always say the south, we got our history, but the more. way more integrated than the north. And the north claims to be this, like, bastion. Oh, we're the union. We stopped the confederacy. I get it. But I think there's. It's almost like if two people live in a house and they get into a fight and then they're actually closer after the fight. Or if you live in a house and there's tension, but you just never address it. Yeah. That's what the north feels like with black and white. The south, we got it out. We fought each other. We killed each other. We did some cotton picking. Yeah. It's a theory. I like the theory. Thank you. You're the only one. Yeah. I don't know. We'll have to do some asking around. I lived there. I've lived in both. I've done the research. Okay. All right. Fair. But yeah, I don't know. It's. Great club. Great club is the foundation of the thing. But I think we all get along just fine. I'm always seeing people, talking to people. I don't see anything happening. The internet fucked it up because race relations, they said, in the 90s were on an all-time high. And then. In the 2000s. But then somehow it went down after Obama, and you're like, well, how'd we get here? Algorithms. I think so. That's what it is. That's the black guy's name. Well, all the white people get the video of a black guy running up and punching a white kid and running. And then all the black people get the video of a white guy stomping on a black guy's head. And so both are watching it going, Jesus Christ. But then I'm like, use your eyes and ears. How many. We live in New York City. It's like, how many black people are you bumping into all day, every day? And everything's fine. Nobody's ever like. Get out of here, you son of a bitch. I know. Ever. He got his car punched by a black guy just today. Oh, that's just New York punching. It wasn't a white thing. It was like, you're a fucking asshole. Yeah. I would like to punch your car. I live in Crown Heights, and everybody thought I was a Jew. So the black guys were like, get out of here, Jew. And so there's some stuff going on over there, but that's a specific area. Well, the Jews aren't so popular these days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is also just horrible. It's another thing. Yeah, it's a whole other bag of hammers. Have I told you about the Charlotte Zone story? I don't think so. There's a good time for it. All right. So I'm bombing at the Charlotte Comedy Zone. This was like two days ago. No, this is like, I don't know, 10 years ago. It's 16 people in the audience. I'm floundering up there. Oh, what do you want to talk about? Whatever. And one guy in the back is going, ha, ha. And I'm like, well, I'm doing well with that guy. Fuck you guys. Whatever. That whole thing. And bombing, bombing. Ha, ha. I'm like, boy, this guy in the back, he's MVP. He's saving the show. I wish you guys were like him. I get off stage. I'm covered in sweat. I hate myself. It's Brian Regan. Wow. He was in the back drinking whiskey, sitting alone. And I go, what the fuck? This is 10 years ago when I was like a celebrity headliner, famous guy, you know? Of course. And I was like, oh, my God, Brian Regan. And he goes, yeah, I did the theater. And I was bored and lonely. So I said, I want to see who's at the club. And, hey, funny stuff. Whatever. You want to get a drink? We got a drink. That's amazing. Yeah, he does that, which is incredible, because I feel the complete opposite of that. I finish that. Someone's like, oh, so-and-so's in town. I'm like, well, that's great. I'll talk to him later and say, sorry, I missed you. I cannot imagine finishing my show and running to a lesser venue. With a guy he's never heard of. Yeah. And being like, let me check him out. But he loves comedy. But also, I forget, he's probably more isolated than we are, because he's on the road. He's on the road so much that he lives in Vegas. He's probably not seeing much comedy, where we're at the stand in the cellar all the time. Yeah. So it's much more easy to see comedy. And he was a little tuned up, but I think you don't want to get tuned up alone. Good point. And, you know, I was down to tune. Yeah. Tommy tune. He's the best. He's such a great guy. And, yeah, I've bumped into him a few times. In Portland it was the last time, actually. Ah. Well, it was just, A, I went from bombing my face off to getting laughs from the funniest guy. Yeah. So I went from here to here. It was quite nice. Yeah. You could have 300 people not laugh, but if Brian Regan thinks you're funny, my God. Yeah, that's lunch. One of the all-time greats. Oh, yeah. Great guy and a hell of a drinker. That guy can really pound it. Oh, what else you got going on there? Well, so I'm going to send this also to Choo Choo. I got the board at the airport I've just canceled, and I have one flight that says, delayed, and that's mine. Oh, okay. So I was like a gambling man. I was like, come on, baby. Come on, ponies. We need you. Come on, Mexico City. Yes. So I had a flight out at 7 a.m. on Sunday, Delta, direct to New York City from Portland. Wow. So I said, okay, that means I got to leave the casino at 4. Right? I don't know. Yeah, to get there at 6. Because it's a two-hour drive to the airport. Leave the casino at 4, get there at 6, fly out at 7. Uh-huh. So I was like, oh, that's going to suck. So I get on stage. I'm about to go on stage. Flight canceled. Oh, boy. So I'm like, ah. So I text my manager, ah, flight got canceled. Help me. I'm worthless. I'm an idiot. And he goes, you're not going to believe this. I found you a red-eye tonight. So do your show. Get right off stage and go right to the airport. And I said, done. Red-eye is going to suck, but fuck it. I get off stage. Red-eye. It's canceled. So I'm like, oh, this is getting real bad. And you get that hope, too. You're like, OK, I'll take it. It's like the last chopper out of Saigon. So then I'm like, all right, all right. Now what do I do? OK, so now we're scrambling. He's like, all right, I got you on a 7 PM tomorrow night. And you'll land at 5 AM in New York, but you've got to connect to Atlanta. And I was like, god damn. Oregon to Atlanta. Oregon to Atlanta to JFK. I was like, oof. You don't realize how lucky we are. Because usually he's like, here's a JFK. I'm like, can you do LaGuardia? You know, that was, you know, that was dreaming. So I'll take anything. So I'm like, all right, fuck it. I'll take it. So the hotel was nice. I'm like, well, we'll give you a free night. You did the casino. And I go, thank you. OK. So stay the whole day next day. I'm like, all right, well, I got that 7 PM. Better leave the casino at 4. Canceled. So you go, god damn it. So I just did the thing. I just pulled a Hail Mary. And I said, you know what? I'm just going to take the shuttle to the airport. I'm going to go to the airport. And just be there. Doesn't it feel better to just be there for some reason? Like Mrs. McAllister. Yes. So now. Dangly ones. I'm texting with the manager. Hey, hey, I'm going to the airport. Have you got anything? And he goes, everything's canceled. But there's one American flight that's going out of Portland to Charlotte and then LaGuardia. And I go, hey, that's pretty good. But it might get canceled. So I go to the airport way early. And I go, hey, I'm going to the airport. And I go, well, I'll go to the American Lounge. No lounge. So then I go, maybe I'll go to that Delta Lounge. Because I did have a Delta ticket. They canceled on me. Right. Because you can't go in the lounge without a ticket. Of course. And my ticket was canceled. But I did buy the ticket. OK. What do you think? I mean, well, don't you have some status and a credit card? They don't care. They want that ticket. OK. I tried that before, too, where I just was flying United. I was like, let me go to the Delta Lounge. Yeah. They weren't having it. Yeah. If you're a member, you're a member. That's what I thought. But you've got to have a ticket. OK. So I go to the Delta Lounge. And I get a lady named Dominique. Dominique. Very attractive African-American woman. Very pretty. Dominique Wilkins. And I go, hey, look, I had a ticket. But you guys canceled it. I'd love to get in the lounge. She goes, oh, yeah, that's no problem. You're in. And I go, oh. And she goes, what? What's going on? And I go, well, you guys, I kept putting it on her. I was like, you guys canceled my flight. And she goes. Oh, no. The Atlanta flight to JFK is canceled. I can still get you to Atlanta. And I was like, huh? Really? She's like, yeah, give me all your info. And I'll just get you on a new flight. Did you know you could do this? The lounge has all this cool access to information. And I'm Diamond. So she was all over it. I mean, there's people. I mean, I know there's people in the lounge that do things. I never thought about it. Yeah. I just go right to the food. Yeah. I mean, I usually do, too. But if you have questions, certainly they're there to help. I had no idea. Oh, yeah. So she's like, go get some food. I'm on it. And I was like, oh, my God. This woman. I'm in love with this woman. And so I'm pigging out. I get a cocktail at the bar. I'm getting all this food. I got a pile high up to here on a plate. I'm sitting down. I got a napkin tucked in. I'm wolfing it down. And I see some feet. And I look up. It's Dominique. Dominique. Oh, I want to suck those toes. Yeah. I was like, huh? She's like, I got you on a flight to Atlanta, then Atlanta to LaGuardia. But you're going to have to wait. You have to sleep at the Atlanta airport. And I was like, I'm not going to lie to you, Dominique. I got an American flight. And she goes, really? She goes, you should do that. Really? Yeah. So I felt guilty. But she was cool. That'll wait, Dominique. I got on the American flight. Flew to Charlotte. Charlotte was delayed five hours. But then I got home. So I got home Monday night. Jesus. Well, we felt like we were like Landell Calrissian pulling out as the Death Star exploded. Yes. We left Saturday afternoon from Charlotte. And the story was already snowing in Nashville. We're like watching the news. It was a crazy storm. The storm was 2,000 miles long. Crazy. Which is funny because, you know, my best buddy lives in Seattle. The football game was in Seattle. You're watching. You're like, you're like the only area of the country unaffected by this storm. I know. It's like blue skies out there. But we had it. It was like, we're at the airport watching the snow coming down in Nashville, which is like 100 miles over that way. Wow. And we were like, da, da, da, da. But then. And we're there Sunday. The fucking big blizzard. I text Karen. I'm like, hey, we're hanging out. Where are you spending this? She's like, I'm on a plane. I'm flying home right now. What? She got home from Detroit. Delta. I don't know how it happened. I'm like, are you out of your mind? Like. What? It was like whiteout conditions. And they flew her home. The fool flew all the way home in a snowstorm. She was like, Harry Bailey. Oh, well. It's not a long flight, I guess. But still. It's a short flight. But I mean, it was coming down. And I was also like, that's a dangerous cab ride. But she made it home. Wow. So some flights were landing at LaGuardia in the middle of the snowstorm. I was shocked. Wow. It's like a Sully. I thought they just closed the airport. So did I. Man, it was fun. It was fun. It's fun to have a big old fucking snowstorm. It is. Yeah. And I'll tell you, when I landed in LaGuardia, got that Uber. And you're just like, oh, my god. You don't realize what you have. You get to go to your house. And the baby crawls up to you. And it's all warm in there. And your wife's like, I'm cooking soup. And you're like, oh, my god. It's a beautiful thing. It's pretty good. Yeah. It's all pipes. It is pipes. Wait, I might have one other thing here. Please. Charlotte, My Father's Gay, Snowstorm, Orange Peel. Oh, I've got to give a shout out to Sarah Love, comedian Sarah Love. We had no one booked to emcee at the Orange Peel. And I don't like a two-man show. Oh, really? I prefer it. I had never done this in my life. And I shouldn't even say this out loud, because then people start doing it. But yeah, people. message you and they go, hey, I'm shooting my shot. Yeah, I get that. You never heard of me. I've been doing comedy for three days. Yeah. Can I open for you? I get that all the time. Yeah, and so I usually ignore them, and then I was like, I need an emcee, and I remembered reading it. She was like, hey, I do comedy in Asheville, so I wrote back. I was like, I watched a couple clips to make sure she wasn't, you know, didn't have Down Syndrome or anything, and I was like, you got it. You're in, and then she was great, good hang, funny, and then we were doing the comedy zone. I texted my manager. I'm like, they have an emcee, and he's like, no, so I asked her, and she came out and did it. Hey, all right, love burger. And how about this? This was like a joke out of a, you would put in like a rom-com where the person falls in love. She's like, I never watched, it was with Matt Wayne and I, who are artistically Seinfeld like us, Seinfeldian, and she's like, I always want to watch it with people that like really know it and quote it, like that kind of thing. Oh my God. What is she trying to get in your face? I was like, what the hell? So we put it on, and Matt and I were just doing the show, and she was laughing. Oh. Oh, what a perfect little find. I mean, if my wife was like, can you just watch Seinfeld and do all the lines? Oh, man. I would, you know, marry her. Yeah. But anyway, so that was fun, and then, because that's what we're doing anyways. Matt and I just, we communicate through Seinfeld jokes. But anyway, she was great, so you got a good comic there if you ever need someone. All right. Yeah, good to know. And last but not least, how about this? So in all the excitement, I guess it is least, last and least, in all the excitement of like, we got to get to the airport, return the car. Yep. Here we go. And I had all these extra shirts. Punch Up, who does merch now also, they think I'm fucking, you know, Betty White or something. They sent me a box of shirts to the Orange Peel. Yeah. Like, 800 shirts in there. Oh, that's crazy. So I got a line two miles long. Every member of the audience buys a shirt, two shirts. The psycho's watching me, and I'm like, oh, that was a haul. I got a bundle of cash. My Venmo breaks because it's overloaded. I turn around. And there's still 275 shirts. Wow, that's still a good, good sale, though. You moved some product. I did, but I'm like, but I paid for these shirts already. Well, can you throw them in the trunk? So I throw them in the trunk. Then we get to the comedy zone the next day in Charlotte. Oh, no. And they go, oh, here's your box of merch that was shipped here. I'm like, what? It's 2,000 shirts. They sent 2,000 shirts to both places. Oh, my God. I'm like, Danny, I am moderately successful. Right. So then. Then I'm just walking out of there with two boxes of shirts. I look like a Jamaican lady with the fruit on her head. You got to set up a bazaar or something out there. So then we get to the rental car return, and I got 7,000 shirts. And I don't want to carry a box in the place. So I'm stuffing shirts in my asshole, in the backpack, Matt shoving them in. They look like fake tits. They're in my shirt. Yeah. There's still 100 left. So I just gave them to a homeless lady that was dead on the side of the airport. I put them over her face. I just had to eat it. There's a homeless lady going. What a list of manias. So then I get on the thing, whatever. I get all the shirts stuffed in my backpacks like this, my suitcases like this. Forgot my hat. I left my socks hat in the rental car. And we're just far enough away that you're like, I can't go back for it. Man, so over the weekend, you paid for an extra hotel. You lost a ton of money on shirts. And you lost your lucky cap. I lost my cap. It's brutal. And my hair's gay. I had masks. I had a fat head, bad head, fat head. And so I got like a center part. My head's flat. You're fine. I look like a jackass. And I got no hat. And my fat. And my father's gay. There you go. Well, hey, we made it back home, god damn it. So you made it home Sunday. Saturday. Saturday. Oh, you beat it. I got home Saturday before the storm. You beat it. Good job. So that was fun. And just a great weekend of shows. And I don't know. And we got some plugs here. You better believe it. You better believe it, Fetty. Don't turn it up. By the way, some guy's like, I commented on a post. He's like, this is hilarious. I've been watching you on podcasts for years. Never found you funny. But then this is hilarious. And I'm like, well, first of all. I hate this. I'm a comedian. Yeah. What do you think we're doing here? Yeah. I'm not a podcaster. I'm a comedian. I'm just doing this so you'll come see me do comedy. Like, how many of you listened to podcasts for years and been like, this guy sucks? And then listen to one joke and you're like, Jesus, he's pretty good. Right. I'm like, yes, that's my job. I know. Well, it's flipped these days. A lot of people are more pod than com. I guess so. I love com. But so you're like, go to the shows. Listen to the shows. Yeah. We're like fucking around here. Of course. We're two retards on a couch being gay. I can't even recall a thing I've said in the last hour. My specials are tight, sexy pussies. Something about vinegar and what else? But anyways, so check out the special. I got four specials on YouTube. Count them. I hate myself. This year's material, enough for everybody and small ball. Small ball. And there's a ton of other shit on there. Tom, Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian. Go to punchuplive.com. Sign up for our email list so we can just shoot you an email when we're coming to your town. We're all over Punch-Up. We got extra content on there. Get on it. Become a fan or whatever. Sign up and you'll get all the goodies. Oh, and our Patreon is cooking again. We just did some spicy stuff last week. That got a little dicey. You better. I can't believe it. So get in there. We'll do a dicey one. We should just promote it. We'll do dicier. Yes. You want nasty. You want crazy. Yeah, dicey and spicy. What? People write me and they're like, Joe said this is supposed to be crazy. How come there's, you know what I mean? Like they're, when you put it up like that. We're going to up it. We're going to really get naked and talk about Jews. End words, everything. We're going to go nuts in there. It's going to be, you're going to be swimming in racial epitaphs. Yes. Epithets, epiderm, whatever. Whatever it is. EpiPen. And let me throw some dates out too. Because I got all these dates. San Antonio's coming up. Toledo, Columbus, yoga in Cleveland. That's a joke. That's a joke, everybody. Where am I? Oh, San Francisco, Vancouver. We added a show. Don't make a fuck out of me. I hate adding a show and no one comes. You look like a dick face. So go to Punch Up Live. All the dates are on there. I'm going down. My father's gay. I don't know where the fuck. All right. Providence in April. When's this coming out again? Who knows? Oh, wow. Okay. I'm also in San Antonio this weekend. Tulsa. That needs a little help. Going to Arizona, Indianapolis, Buffalo, and Portland, Maine, Lexington, Kentucky, Fort Lauderdale at the Improv, Raleigh, going back to the South, and Spokane, Philadelphia, what is it? Brookfield with, oh, Milwaukee, and Irvine, California, Tempe Improv, and Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle in Royal Oak Mish. Get some Bodega Cat. Get on the Patreon. It's cooking with gas. What do you got? Juckles. Check out my. Jeez, check out my. Whoa. Flat tire. Again, all confused by the word Patreon. Check out my podcast, Funbearable. We're at FunbearablePod everywhere. And also, we are looking for funding for a very special project, a pilot. I said it last week. Multiple Tuesdays reached out. They're good people, these people, these Tuesdays. They really are. They really are nice. If you have some cash to throw around, you want to hear about a fun, independent project, we're shooting it with the Impractical Jokers crew, and we're looking for some funding. So find me at DiscountChuck, and DM me, Instagram, Twitter, wherever the hell. You can put the fun in funding. Yeah. All right. Well, we're going to go do the fucking most bananas, bat shit. Asshole eating, crazy, comrade, and Ku Klux Klan fucking Patreon of all time. Swastika Nazis. It's going to be nuts. Darfur Hamas got nothing on us. Oh, that's May. And her dad. Uh-oh. Oh, there we go. Oh, God. Well, there's two windows, and I watched her walk by this window, and then there was a brief pause, and I'm like, did she just eat it and die? Wouldn't it be crazy if we were podcasting and your wife just fucking smashed her head and passed away? She never eats it. All right. Well, yeah. Thanks, folks. We'll see you in hell. Weep it up. Woo! Woo!