#640 Dust Him Off, Man

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hitter in the face of the surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark dormant and jolless yeah this Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy I can't put the baby to bed he's napping life is good it sounds like you're unbelievable that was a one hit one I think so I don't think that guy did any other you wait Jeff is that what that was you wait shots of movie with a weird L E F M E M F E M F E M F I think look that up you're unbelievable oh I think it was E M F for Y2K something like that yeah HPV I can't remember with that it was E L O that's a lucky light orchestra they are good they're underrated I feel like I was at their rock and roll hall of fame induction come on it was E L O Pearl Jam and some other assholes I can't remember well the rock and roll hall of fame gets real Lucy Goosey you know they're like hey we're having a to mystical yeah and you're like mystical he's not rocking roll and Warren Zeevon just got on that guy should be first ballot fucking all time or all over the road that hall of fame Jay Giles band I think hasn't got in they're trying to get in what's that a New Orleans flag over yeah it is a good I yeah why quite a night looks like an old condom you really put that together I see purple and yellow I think it's L.A. Lakers or New Orleans what's the band E M F yeah I'm believe that we get a abbreviation what that is electric mother fucker all right electric mother pretty good what you I don't want to get demonetized and thrown out let me put a note to make an extra video of that just boop boop there you go you beep it beep boop boop you got the bleeps and the meeps and the seeps I mean E M F in general stands for electromagnetic field maybe right what some people thought was gay that was like a big thing ACC's gay you hear that that was like a big rumor a ID what's that oh aids yeah that's very good boy that was rough huh the tough times is cool now happy to miss AIDS I know but like a Johnson still kicking the other guy Charlie Sheen oh yeah movies with AIDS HIV is no big deal it's good for you makes your son a weirdo barely the band's E M F name is an acronym primarily understood as Epsom mad funkers that's why you're a one-hit wonder yeah out of here by the way yikes last night I came home late late for me you know 10 30 whatever yikes but I got to be a bed by 11 or else some whatever the fuck some something funny yeah I threw on the rip I'm like 30 minutes in this movie stunning it's wonderful it's like a horror movie it's fun I like the set up I'm only at the set up so okay okay don't give anything away here but I didn't we were just I was just shitting on it you hate it well get through it get through it it's a little as Louis would say it's a little same me I feel like I've seen this movie 600 times well it's definitely I mean I was L.O. L. I get one point I mean I'm only 30 minutes in but when they're sitting in like the locker room in front of the mirror it's like the mirror and FX like I mean Damon's like I don't know man time just passes and I don't know about I mean I was like it's very silly there's some cheese a lot of the set up is fun because it's like a horror movie where the cops come down whoo and it's dark and you're like yes hunkered down so I was I was enjoying it but I'm enjoying it away I'm not like oh my god this is fucking Fellini it's 10 30 at night I'm sucking my own dick it's a fun action flick who'd done it you got a hunker Marty Hunkhouser but it's it's just like Trophy is hell hey would you say to me you heard me bitch then they fight in the office yes I was very silly that's my you know he's fighting with his brother what's that that's his brother oh okay got we gonna lay that down they got to lay all the pipe yeah there's a lot of that there's a lot of that like well I'm not a cop murder are you a cop murder yeah yeah yeah it's a it's fun silly and I've been saying this is not enough just cop I agree I'm good old fashion two cops is one bad is one yes the other he's got a tattoo and a chain thing around us that go less superhero more copper here is some cop shit and you know this is this could be the future first of its kind they offered incentive I saw actors if it does well on Netflix that's big future that's big good for them these guys are breaking barriers racial sound whatever barrier but did you hear that a Netflix made them add like got to repeat the plot points I heard they're the read cards are on the phone right they're all on a rotary so you got to make spoon freedom I heard Damon say that that should be on the audience rewind it if you can't follow it well you got to you got to get the masses fat man there bunch of homos but yeah did you see my big good one hunting plot hole I saw it I see this it's big chuck chuck and chuck it's all the car the car yes so much the car big scene they give him the car happy 21 you know you know how friends just give each other cars here especially poor ones don't have to register it or anything they just they just give him a car yeah you got your new job you got to be driving the camera giant picking you up anymore so happy 21 take your car it's a real beater 30 seconds later there they are picking them up and you think one of them would go hey I don't see the car he's probably out that's a good boy yeah yeah I bet he went somewhere it's about a girl and then Affleck has to do the big face acting he's like yeah he's gone and why no goodbye why is he like every day I hope that you leave yeah yeah that's true why not just be like every day I hope that you'll call me and say hey I'm gonna go yeah that's true I got you a fun car nobody yeah but a thank you text a high five a butt pat something and my other problem with the movie is amazing because it's so brilliant and so horrible all at once it's just you swing back and forth from retarded to great now do you have a there's because that's a that could be a great bit but then Louis has the good well-hunting plot hole bit and so you're like now might do it a a second plot hole for this movie he's got that one and then but also the funniest thing that I would like to do is a bit but it's again it's it's hard enough to do a move a joke about a movie that came out 27 years ago and he already has one but the funniest part of the whole thing is that the the psychiatrist are quitting because Matt Damon calls him gay he's like he's like he's like hey do you have a hard time just hiding that you gay he's like I can't do it well it's the 90s I'm quitting like why wouldn't a therapist would be like why are you deflecting I don't understand are you gay yeah good boy like he's literally like I just can't handle this man yeah call me gay that's a good point it's insane and then the other one he starts singing the guys like I don't have time for this shit he's singing in there I quit he's like supposed to be the best psychiatrist in the world he can't handle this would lose cannon who's singing he breaks it a genius and he's saying star rockets and flight to one of the bucks and they're like we can't do this I also had like these are all great plot points my my problem with that movie is that he's sitting there with Robin Williams they're like really opening up he's finally you know letting a man into his life he was beaten with a wrench okay he's like my dad put down a wrench a traffic cone and a piano leg and he really went to town I'm like you'd be mangled you'd be a wrench it'd be retarded he'd be retarded you have well fucking like a elephant man head if you hit with a wrench over and over hit me all fucked up he'd be like I always took the wrench cuz fuck him fuck him dick dick the uh the cat a nine tail stick or whatever yeah so then that's one thing and then uh Robin Williams is like uh yeah my wife she she farted and they're like oh that's how they connect I'm like oh the wife farted whoa this is the height of of humor here what are you carlin is that is that Richard prior over there and farted and woke her up but yeah Damon loses his mind he's like that's you woke up yeah the the plane blowjob joke is way better than the fart thing also to see about a girl he could be like hey great to me give me your number right actually gives the number he's like I'm gonna call you our first thing tomorrow morning but I got tickets to game six of the world series right how hot is she yes just get the fucking number how about them apples she's farting in her sleep I don't feel like she's a real catch but yeah I don't get the thing of like we bought him a car the car is not here must have gone and got a snack or something now it's great about that is though the movies 800 years old know what is mentioned that right you caught it fatty thank you that's very exciting but I mean you're ruining someone's life then these guys are wrote it they're like hey who's this asshole but still I think they'll be okay they're in the rip now the rip but last point Luke bonus made this point that's amazing you watch this movie and Aflacan Damon they're 25 years old they win the Academy Award for best there's two buddies very very excited they write this movie they get it made they star in it they get the Oscar and the thing and they're the hottest guys one of the chances that one of their kid brother is far more talented than both - All of them. - The best actor in there. - He's great. - And it's not even close. - Great actor. - He's just the shmucky kid. He's amazing in that movie. And I will say this about this movie. - In that movie? - Oh, he's awesome. - He's got such a little dick. - He's got a lot of parts. - A lot of funny lines. - Chuck, I had a double burger. - Oh yeah. - He's great. And also, the funniest part of the whole movie is when they give him the card. He goes, Morgan wanted to get you a T-pass and he goes, "That's not what I was saying." It's hilarious. 'Cause there's some conversation we didn't see when they're like, "We're going to get him a card." And he's like, "What do you nuts?" We're going to a train. But a train ticket, whatever. But I will say this. The scene in the bar where they bring many driver down there to meet them all is one of the best ever depictions of a bar hang telling stories and jokes, which is so hard to get right movies. Most scenes you watch in a movie with it like, all right, let's have them hanging out. It sucks. It's cheesy. - Right. - It looks forced and stupid. - Big laughter. - Bad story. - They're so good and that other guy whose name I forget who's in "Dazed and Confused." - The blonde guy. - Yeah, he was good. - Yeah, he was goodable. He's fucking awesome. So there's great moments in that movie. - Good point about Casey though. He is, I mean, what's that? Manchester by my ass. - He's unbelievable. - Incredible. Is he in the town? - No, no. - Then the other one. - Gone Baby Gone. - Gone Baby Gone, which is amazing. - Great abortion title. - Great. That's good boy. - Thank you. - That's a great movie and all right. - Hell yeah. - Hell yeah. - How about this one? You ever have a joke you think of six years later? Brad Williams is talking about getting head. How do we miss a real low blow? - Hey. - I was at the show. - That's very good. - Oh, I missed out a low blow at the live-up. - Oh boy, that sucks. That's what's great about stand-up. Is you get another crack at it? - Crack, I love crack. - Amiko. - And I'm sure you'll get another podcast with Brad. - Come on, B-Dubs, let's set it up. - Small world. - He's fun to get. - He's for one line, then I'm leaving. I'm doing that line in the first eight minutes and I am. - By the way, every time we have a podcast at a festival, first text is get Brad Williams. - I will, he's a joke bag, that little Nazi. - Yeah, small bag, small ball. - YouTube. - There you go, million views, folks. - Yep. - Yeah. - You got that straight. - I gotta get some jeans 'cause all I wanna do is touch my dick. - I got a thin layer of whatever. - A bit beaten off over here. - Yeah, thin layer of Aberdeen. - Is anyone's Aberdeen? - No, that's where Kobayne's from. - There's a sign phone line. Is it just Aberdeen? - Gabberdeen. - Is it Aberdeen? - Grabberdeen? - Grabbercleen. - Pauladene. - Oh, she was good. - What a hilarious fuck up that was. You ever say the end word? I gotta admit, I don't feel good about it, but I did. - Get her! - Get her. - It's hilarious. - I know, but the beauty of that was all these black guys made videos like, "Man, I had her chicken." She can say it. - Right, right. - That's gotta feel good to be big, Deenie. - Yeah, I would love to get permission to say the end word as much as I want. - I've had permission and don't believe it. They're lying to you. - I know. - They say, "Go say it." Say it, that was my whole childhood. And then you say it and then here comes the wrench, the whip and the other thing. - Well, don't say whip. Jesus Christ. - Sorry, whip it good. - Too soon. - Cool whip. Whip is now what they call cars. I heard about that. I discovered that right here. - My whip, yeah. Which is, you know, gabardine. - Gabardine. - Gabardine. - Gabardine. - Gabardine, yeah. What were we saying? - Gabardine. - Similar. - Gabardine. - Gabardine. There's no R. - Gotta gift a Gabardine. (laughing) Well, let's get in it. - Wait, yeah, we were going somewhere. Oh, the rip. - The rip. - I listened to them on Rogan. It was fun. And Affleck is a poignant. I mean, he's got great AI takes. He's on it. This is smart guy. He looked like he didn't want. I feel like there's a little part of him that hates Rogan. - I mean, who does it? - Well, you know, he's a big liberal guy and is this all that stuff? - I didn't really. - Oh, yay. - Followed Sam Harris. - Yeah, that was like 10 years ago now, by the way. - And the microphone, like he was standing. Like the microphone's like over here. And he just looked like this. Oh, I've only seen clips. He just looked like he was like, ah, this is the thing. We gotta go do this thing. - Interesting. Well, I will say, these are their cool guys. I loved how much they love movies. They're just upset. The whole three hours is about movies. - I got to give it a listen. - It's a fun listen. It's just cool to see them together and like not on Good Morning America. They have a real conversation. But their stories, 'cause you hear, we know comedians. We know all these funny people. Their stories are so blah. You know, like, and they're trying. But like Rogan's like, so this UFC fighter and Matt Damon's like, oh, oh, I gotta tell ya. He cuts the whole thing off. He's like, one time I was hanging out at a UFC fight and his guy walked up to me in a suit. It was Henry Sohuto. He was in a suit. That guy could kick my ass. Like, yeah, they were suits sometimes. But he couldn't believe a UFC fighter was wearing a suit. It blew his mind. - Yeah, that story stinks. - So they-- - I don't care for it from you here. - Yeah, well, I cut that. - That was the point. But then Rogan's like, oh, yeah, crazy. So when the guy, you know, lost an eye or whatever, it was like a real story. - Right. - It was, it was cute. They were trying. - I'll check them out. They're on everything together. They were on seven other podcasts together. - Gotta suck to have a duo. - Yeah, I would ruin it. - Look, that's Damon's hot in that movie, by the way. Good one hunting, I bet. - Yo, so hot. He laid the rip, he's got the gray, whatever beard there. - Yeah, he's aging. - Aging. - Ooh, boy. - Steve A.G., the comedian? - Yeah. - I know him. - Deep cut, big in the UFC. - Was there a Mark A.G. too? - Oh, yeah, I think there was. - Texas? - Get that a goog. - A couple of Mark A.G. - Steve A.G. - Yeah, then there's a A.G.1. - Oh yeah, they're good. - They're good. - A Catholic agreed. - Very good. - So I was just in L.A. - Oh yeah, I saw you at the airport. How about that? - Oh yeah. - Delt a lounge bump into. - The big bump into full gray sweats top to bottom over here. - You got that straightened. By the way, the worst seat in the house. You're sitting right in the middle, right with the entrance, totally exposed next to two old ladies. - Yeah, well they couldn't hear. And also I go, I see the first seat I take because I'm on a crutch. So I go, I got nine minutes. Get all the food I can get, get all the coffee, get all the beverages. I plan it right down there. And then I, broom, I wolf it down and I leave. - I do full laps. I'm trying to find the least offendable won't listen to me first and gotta go find some isolation. I find the most comfy seat away from everybody. - Yeah, yeah, that is nice. But you, you get to the airport at the crack of jizz. You got the rooster crowing up your ass and you're already there. - I like to get there eight and a half hours early, which by the way, now I'm going to Carolina this weekend. They're saying historic levels of snow. And my manager's like, we'll see. I forgot, this is the problem. This is not the problem. This is the nice thing. Weird thing about having like good manager and agents. When you're young, you go to on a weekend and they're like, there's a blizzard coming. You're like, I guess I live here for a week. - Yeah, I did that in Philly. - Now they're like, we're not letting you go. - Let me snow. We're going to call it as we see it. We might not be, we're not going to send you into a blizzard. - They take care of you. - Great. - Yeah, yeah, that is, I had that with my agent. He was like, we got an interview request for this show. And I was like, okay, I just let me know when. And they're like, no, no, this is like a Nazi show. You can't do this. So I was like, oh, good thing you were there. I would have done it. - Nice. - Full, you know, regalia. - Mm-hmm. - But yeah, so you see Russia? - Did I see Russia? - 130 feet of snow. It's like a record breaking amount of snow in Russia. - What? - People are 130 feet. - Give it a go. - Is 100% of them dead? People are jumping off skyscrapers and sliding down. It's crazy. You got to see it. They show people's cars. They're buried. - It feels like, yeah. - 130 feet, they'd be dead. - I'm telling you, Fanny. Maybe they got a different, maybe it's a metric system over there. - Yeah, it's got to be a decimal point. - With 1.3 feet. - Yeah. - But holy moly, it's records. - Well, you forget, I mean, Chuck and I in New England cuts, I used to have like snow forts. You would spend the day like building a fort. And I saw it in a book. I bought Marty this book called Snuggles Season. Great kids book, shout out. - Ooh. - And we're reading it and I'm like, oh, I forgot about snowball fights and snow angels and snow forts. - Yeah. - You would build a home and hide in there inside the snow. - That's crazy. - And now you get half an inch. It's like, you know, you're like, oh, this is exciting. - Chuck's dying over there. How many feet does snow do they get? - Don't look at Raleigh. I'm talking of Russia. - Russia snow. What do they got? - Six and a half feet. Okay. - Six and a half feet is a lot of snow. - I'm thinking of centimeters. - Six feet of snow is crazy. - Okay. Okay. Look at this. I'm almost six and a half feet. Look, notice the six and a half feet. - Yeah, that's a tall snow bank. - It's a lot of snow. - So it sounds like six seven. - Oh shit. - Six feet of snow. I'm 24 more feet and it's gonna be something else. - Yeah, baby, where did I get 130? - I don't know. - I think it millipeters. Oh, either way, that six feet of snow is crazy. - Thank you. - Still crazy. - After all these years. - This is crazy. This is crazy. - Chase. - Utley. - Hi folks, this episode of Tuesday's With Stories is brought to you by one of our favorite sponsors, Blue Choo. I love Blue Choo. I've been here by, I got a very good buddy who just got on the Blue Choo train. Hey, that works. Choo train. - Choo train. - The Blue Choo Choo train. - I like it. - That's pretty good. He's all over. He calls me three times a week. He's like, dude, I finally came around to this. I've been hearing the ads for years. I just ignored them. Now I'm on it. He said he's never plowed his wife more. She's never been happier. He's never been happier. You got to do it. It's so simple. Let me just make sure I'm saying what they want me to say But then I'm gonna really just sell it to you Sell it man. Lucho Gold is a four-in-one tablet with a mix of key ingredients to increase blood flow and your arousal That's what he said. He's like it just feels better He's sitting at his desk. He's rock hard. I tried it once. I've never felt better in my life If you're not doing it you're missing out it works in as little as 15 minutes. Oh, yeah That's fast. So you won't have to wait for the for the fireworks right now make life easier by getting harder Discover your options at bluechew.com. We've got a special deal for Tuesday's with stories fans Get 10% off your first month of bluechew gold with code Tuesday's that's promo code Tuesday's visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information Thanks to bluechew for sponsoring this podcast. We appreciate you Hey folks hold on show them the stuff. That's it Hold that puppy up He'll Looking for an easy way to get all the nutrition you need try he'll with 35 grams of protein 6 grams of fiber and 27 essential vitamins and nutrients heals black edition ready to drink shakes Give you all the fuel you need in one bottle no sugar added no artificial sweeteners are flavors ready to go and Less than five bucks a meal and these prices and these economies. 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It's a perfect pick me up for later in the day Get he'll today with our exclusive offer of 15% off online with code Tuesday's 15 at he'll dot com slash Tuesday's 15 new customers only thank you to he'll for partnering and supporting the pod All right, let's get going. We haven't even started the fucking thing. Yeah, so yeah, I did the brand improv Now I got a new thing because I'm doing clubs again because I want to work out some new material because I am Clumb out. Sure. The well is dry. So you go back to the clubs and they go, hey, you sold out You want to add a show at 3pm? Three piece crazy. You're like Cosby that shit or Nate or Nate or Nate. Yeah, so that shit comes up quick So you go, all right, how about this? You don't want to add the show and then have eight people show up Now I'm here at 3pm with eight people so I go I'll add a show, but if we get to less than a hundred, we got a cancel Uh-huh, and they were like, okay, so that's my new rule. So we get over a hundred. I'll do it. So what happens to the 88 people? There's a lot of luck. I guess they're they're gonna free ticket to ride. I don't know. Okay, so we got a we got about 200 So we do the show, okay, but then it's weird because it was like not the greatest crowd 3p is tough. I know, but I'm like you show it party things. Hey, if you're here at 3p you want to see a show But then they're kind of like eh They're also the last ones to buy tickets That's the other thing with these added shows. These are the people that were like, nah, we're good And then they see another show and they go, I don't think so. Then they're like, all right. I guess I guess so, yeah I guess we'll try if it's the three o'clock Yeah, I'm still glad you came up grateful, but it's always weird when you're like Oh, this is gonna be a ripper. And then you're kind of swimming up there. Three p's tough. I mean it is That's my dream though. I would like to do every show at three o'clock. Well, I can be done at four o'clock My life would be different. Yeah. Well, the shows are great. Bray is a cute little suburban just Asphalt town with a mall and and all that shit, but I did Julie Edelman's pod. Oh formerly Sam's pod Well, is that not the same pod that he did with Sam? They had a pod Julie and Edelman and Sam are ill. Oh, yeah, that's wrong with you. I forgot about that Well, this is his pot. I don't know, but I think Sam left and he kept going. That's what I thought. Oh, okay I don't know if he started a new pot or the same pot, but Boy, I'll tell you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, go to this guy's home. It's up in the hills Beautiful home. You look in the backyard. It's like a rock climbing thing a coal plunge a pool Giant trampoline a treehouse and then you're like, oh, yeah, this guy was a MVP, I believe I think he might have won an MVP Superbowl and a Superbowl MVP and he's a Jew. Yeah, that's pretty good. That's gotta be though It's gotta be the only one if I I'm just gonna take a leap of faith here and say there's not a ton of Jewish MVP Superbowl winners. Yeah, I don't know multiple Superbowls Multiple. Yeah, I made that great catch one of the great catches in history and Yeah, I mean he's 510 the list of Jews give it a good That good at sports is not it's not a ton. I feel like here's a question. Whoa buckle up More Jewish athletes or trans I mean professional athletes I mean athletes is a very broad That's a good point. I mean, I don't think there's ever been a trans pro athletes There's been tons of Julia Thomas the swimmer. Was that pro? That's like Olympics, isn't it? I don't think there's professional swimmers Phelps Well, I think you get some What do you endorsements? But I don't think they're like here's a hundred bucks go swim. How weird is that? Why can't they be professionals? I think because you got to get people to buy tickets to see you, I think Maybe they're professional buy there's never you don't go to see like the Toronto dolphins play the Winnipeg Yeah, right right. I don't think I don't know. I mean, maybe there's payment I don't know where the money comes from I guess yeah endorsements, but I've seen swimming on TV. There's a full house You know as people in the audience they might buy a coke, but I think that's amateur Olympicgy stuff. Oh wow college swimming It's that great. I get we've covered it forward pro wrestling is fake bullshit with pink tights in a folding chair And then Olympic wrestling is real meat heads with cauliflower ear. Should they be pro? Well, I don't understand how pro wrestling even What do you call it? Because you have you have seen how you have guys like actually kick each other. I agree. I'm with you He drops the elbow. Yeah, and they also literally are like, I don't fucking kill you, matey or whatever They love gay theme nail like I'm the shipwreck. Yeah pirate with one eye. I'm a wooden leg, and then he's cash money man Or whatever have the real thing. I agree, but people these homos they like the fanfare They like the hoopla the drama. They like all the bullshit. I think so. I mean, Chuck's like the shaking over there This guy loves the wf but they call Broadway gay, but these guys are all 69 and then pile driving with panties on I think that's why they beat the shit out of the The fucking newscasters. What do you see that guy that slapped the guy twice in the face? Oh, yeah, it's hard core And then Roddie Piper almost beat up Bill Mar No, that was on the old show politically incorrect and Rod Roddie Piper runs to it What are the fuck his name is? Bill Mar was like it's fake and he shows up and like pulls his ass out and is like that's an iron fucking thing Damn, I missed that a real time. Oh, yeah It's you know it's politically incorrect. Oh, but then I get annoyed by quickly. I'll just say this side note You can go watch the clip. It's it's politically incorrect from like 92 or something. Okay. It's Roddie Piper and staying in some woman And they're all he's like it's fake and then they'll like fuck you and then what is the fuck you it is fake Roddie Piper goes you ask Owen Hartz mother if it's fake which always bother me because I'm like Well, he he's like on a thing that broke and he fell and died That doesn't do with whether or it's real or fake. Yeah, it wasn't like he died from a macho man elbow, right, right It's like Hogan leg dropped him and he was like yeah exactly. It's fucking belt broke and he fell off the ceiling Yeah, whether or not breath wrestling is fake or not. Yeah good boy. I mean a guy died in a fan of the opera He fell off the top rope or whatever He didn't you know, he didn't it's still fake. Well, it's like if somebody just walked up and shot alternate warrior in the streets And then you're like you tell me it's fake you got shot, right? Not part of the wrestling. Yeah. Yeah, so anyways What do you got there? I forget what we were even talking about professional swimmers Wow, oh swimmers. It says yes. They're professional swimmers who compete in events like the Olympics and they earn salaries and stipends from governing bodies Oh, it's just like what Cuban government may be a member of the American team for the Olympics Get it what you are between what qualifies as amateur anymore. Yeah, I know Because NBA players that was that became a thing but they weren't getting paid to be in the Olympics So I thought that was there go around maybe professionals as people it's just people that get paid to participate in a sport Yeah, professional maybe interesting. Yeah like porn amateur porn is not paid. Right. Just random people make it a sex tape. Yeah. And then porn is we got a payroll here. Yes. Okay. A gay role. So yeah, LA was awesome. Julien Elwin couldn't be cooler. Did the pod so fun. Then my manager goes, I got you on a porn pod. Oh, porn pod. She's like, yeah, it's a, it's a podcast where porn stars and comedians go on and fuck with each other. Okay. And I was like, and she's like, here's a clip. But it's a clip of some crazy big lip, big tit lady. Like, how'd you like to see my clam? And you're like, oh, why not? Whatever. So I was like, I'm in. So she goes, okay, I'm going to set the whole thing up. You got to go over there. But you got to remember, I'm in LA. Braia is an hour and a half, two hours away. And I got to make my seven o'clock show. So you're like, okay, it's three. I'm going to get caught in traffic. The whole thing. So what? You got to get to this porn pod. You got to see this. You got to see the porn pod. BP. So they go, here's the show or here's the, the address. It's up in the Hollywood Hills. You know, beautiful. I got of a movie, boogie night shit. And you go up there. Ding dong. It's this crazy, gaudy white house with all these silly chandeliers and pink giant things like sculptures in the front lawn. And you're like, this is crazy. And a guy answers the door with no shirt on at a bathing suit. He's like, got blonde hair. He's like, what's up, man? How can I help you? He's all hung over or something. And I'm like, I'm here for the porn pod. And he goes, what? And I look behind him. It's clearly a porn house. There's like a infinity pool in the back. There's weird glass furniture and like a white ceramic or a porcelain gray hound, you know, like all this shit. There's like all this gaudy retardant stuff, pink couches and shit. And I'm like, yeah, I'm here for the porn pod. He goes, porn pod. I don't know the name of it. And he goes, oh, yeah, we're not doing that until February. And like, okay. And then a guy walks in behind me with like a DJ table and dreadlocks. And he's like, excuse me. And they're like, Hey, Reggie. What's up, man? So he comes in. So they're clearly having like a party or something tonight. And the guy was clearly on Molly or something. And he's like, yeah, man, I don't know. You got some bad info. We're doing those in February. We're all, we're all locked up on the porn pod. And I was like, Oh, all right, all right. So I just left. You call your manager and say, what the fuck? What'd you do to this? She was like, Oh, the guy had the date wrong. He said, we'll do it tomorrow. And I said, I'm not going back there. But yeah, they were going to move some stuff for me and do one tomorrow. But the guy with who was was so just out to lunch. He didn't know who I was or what was going on. But they definitely had, I mean, he smelled like sex. Everything was sticky and wet and gooey. It was a crazy place. This is the craziest thing I've ever heard. So they just drove in the traffic for no reason. Yes. Well, at least I got to get out early. So I was, you know, you kind of have that like, well, I don't have to do anything. So I high-tailed it out of there. Took me two hours to get to Braia. But I made it and did the show that night, two shows, but yeah, no porn pod. Wow. Well, I mean, next time, next time, the guy eventually texted me like three days later, was like, sorry about that. I heard what happened. I was like, that's fine. I'd be furious with my manager if they sent me to the fucking porn house. Well, she did the, oh my god. I was in any way I could repay you. So I said, yeah, I can do this. This and this. And so we're pretty good. Yeah, we're good. Nice. Sometimes it's good to have a little credit. Yeah, absolutely. Well, that's why it's like the best when you have a show or something. If you're booking a show and then you go, hey, I'd love to have you on the show. It pays $9,000 and you give it a doop. And they go, oh, I'm out of town. It's great. Because now you get the credit for the offer and you get to offer it to somebody else. You get multiple credits. I love the credits. It's great to have fun offers that people can't do because now it's like, now 12 people owe me a favor. Yeah, they go, thanks for thinking of me. So now you're in good graces with that cleaf, which is a good move. You find out if someone's out of town, then you ask them, even though you didn't want them on the show. Exactly. And then you get the credit. That's even better. They're like, oh, I'm going to be in Hawaii for two months. And you're like, oh, geez, I don't know how I forgot about that. That's big with relationships, too. Hey, let me take out the dinner tonight. I got a great place. We'll get a bottle of champagne, some candlelight. And she goes, ooh, I got a gynecology appointment. Then you go, well, I tried. Yeah. And then she says, what about the next night? And you're like, I think I'm booked pretty solid to the next three, four years. I got a gyno thing tomorrow. Unfortunately, gyno, that's a guy I know. Gyno sore. Is there a gyno sore? Let me find the pussy. He's like the weakest one. Oh my god. We're half way there. We got to a thing. So LA was awesome. And yeah, I got some more stuff. But you, you go. I love LA. We're going to be there in May. Live pod. Is that on sale? When is that going? Yeah. Live pod is up. And it's at the improv, I believe. That'll sell out in six minutes. Hey, we should do two. Who we getting? Brad Williams. That's funny. It's a low blow. Call back. Yeah, we should get some big swing and deck. We should get San Tino. Oh, he'll do it. He's in he's in town right now. I know. That'll be fun. He's good. I got you your way this weekend. You're not going to the big gillus at the garden. No, I'm out. I'm in Charlotte. Well, maybe there's snowstorms. Oh, snowstorms. Charlotte. This is topsy turvy out here. It's cancer dogs, part of my area hopes. I get down there. Then Sunday, snowed in. It's championship Sunday, Patriots. Everyone's in the champion. The big, big exciting championship. Then you just stuck in the hotel and you're like, well, just sit here. No distractions. Watch the game. Yeah, come home Monday. That's my hope. That would be nice. You know, uh, yeah, gillus at the garden. I think I'm going to go on Thursday. Check it out. Who's open it? I assume San Tino. This is here. That's already passed by the time they. Yeah, that's true. I'm sure you'll have some, you know, I'm fucking little Wayne will show up or some crazy shit. That's the different guy. No, not whatever. Little John. I get my little's confused. Brad Williams. Gary Veter. Oh, what? That was fun. That's fun. That was a fun time. It's fun to say. That was a long time ago, because I remember, uh, 25 years. Yeah. 25 years in my life is still three, three, three, three, four nonblonds. Ah, that's like the big closer at, um, you know, Skankfest. By the way, how about this? Every year, Skankfest, there's three nights. We do comedy jam every night. The last show. That's the big show, except 2026 Friday night. No comedy jam. You know, the big show, the big apple pie, the big, huge show. What's that? Jolus roast, 2026 headlining. That's going to be big. You want in? Yeah, I'm in baby. You're in baby. It's gonna be fun. Hell yeah. That's going to get a meco. That's true. By the way, I'm on to, I'm on to Lewis. We were talking about who should be on it. And someone's like, you got to get Zach a meco. He's the best roaster and Lewis is like, no, no, no, I don't think so. He's, you know, you guys aren't tight. We better not have fun. And I'm like, I know where every joke from Lewis is coming from. Of course, of course, that's his ace in the pie hole. So it's going to be you, me, Karen, we got to pick it up. Bobby Soder. Okay. Lewis, I'm forgetting someone, Sarah. All right. Well, you're the big headliner. We got to make some calls. Well, we to follow. Okay. Okay. Well, dust him off. All right. Dust, dust it often. Dust him off, man. What about a, we called call. We called Nate. Neither one of them answered. Yeah. Well, Bobby called Colin and Nate. I mean, Lewis called Nate. So maybe I'll make the calls. There you go. You call. I don't think Colin will do it. And then people are like, Louie, but I'm like, Louie's not going to do a roast. I don't think he's ever done a roast. No, never. Not him. I had a bad Louie story the other day. A different one. But I do heard of the times. But a guy was filming him and he flipped on the guy. But we'll talk about it. Yeah. So yeah, I mean, it's Skankfest world. Those are heavy hitters. I mean, this is sure, sure. It's not going to go to the top of the charts here. No one's ever heard of me if you talk about the masses. Right. Right. Right. But it's Skankfest. That's a hell of a group. Yeah, you got that right, fatty. So it'll be fun. And I already hired one, one gun. I'm already, uh, I'm chipping away. It's saddling because he, you know, he's not a Skankfest guy. But I got him new Skanks with me on Monday. Uh-huh. So I feel like I can slowly get him down there. I don't know. I probably not. I've asked him before. Are you going to Skankfest? And he's like, no, I would never do that. What's wrong with you? Well, I'll, yeah, go ahead. I'll tell you who is a Skankfest in turn. Marcelo Hernandez. I heard that. So I mean, he speaks out to me. I mean, SNL now he's got a huge Netflix special that will knock it out of the top 10. The guy's fucking killing it. He's a cute little Cuban man. And he was a Skankfest intern. That's why I just heard that. But he also just had the best foul I've ever seen. He fucking murdered on foul. Which is hard to do. Stand up or couch. Stand up. Oh, wow. The standup set was like killing and I saw on this morning on subway takes and his take was all sauces should come on the side and I couldn't agree more. So this guy's quickly becoming my favorite comic. He's a great egg and a good dude and a killer comic. I mean, I got murders. I told you I was at the stand one night. He was like an MC. I didn't even know his name. He was just like the little Mexican kid that hosted. And I came in one day. Everyone was congratulating him. I'm like, Oh, what happened? What'd you get engaged? He goes, I got SNL. I was like, all right. And then he hosted the show. He was the MC. And I was like, keep it going for the new SNL guy. I don't know his name. But I know it now. Marcellius. Yes. Yes. Marcus. What the fuck is that? Marcy. Carcy. He opens for a real Tim Dylan. back in the day and he was like, yeah, how about Tim? It's such a nice guy for having me. I'm like, you're four foot eight and you're adorable. What are you crazy? Yeah, you got a tight S. It's like me using Natalie Portman to open. She's like, boy, he sure is nice to me. Yeah, what a lucky lady I am. But anyways, the roast is going to be the event of the season. We're going to get the polo out of retirement. It's going to be fun. The big throne and the thing. It's going to be very exciting. This is very fun. I love it. Maybe we can get Greg Roguel and who else? Rustman Eve over there? We'll see. Yeah. We'll see what happens. It's got to be fun. We got a year. Yeah, November. We got, man. It's already almost February. That's nine months. All right. We got time. You'll be there, right? Yeah. It's premier at the movies premiering too. Oh, is that right? Yeah. It'll be done by then? That's to be. That's where we're premiering. So we have a deadline. How's the progress? Not good. Okay. We don't have the money. We have the time. What? I thought people donated. We got some money. It's coming. All right. It's over. It's working on it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm working on it. Don't let Salah Q's near it. Well, we have like a thousand hours of footage. Jeez. Yeah. Stay right on it. Salah Q's. He blocked his number. So hard. They're numbers. So how was Vegas? The city of angels though. Tencent City. Wendy City. Vegas was fucking awesome. New club out there. Guys. Yes. The man with the plan. My new favorite club. Fucking awesome club. Great green room. Great staff. Great hotel. Great crowds. And everyone was so great. It was like doing a USO tour. We were like, thanks for coming to Vegas. We only get these big fucking David Copperfield and David Blaine's and shit. So that was awesome. Luke Moan is open. Derek flew out. My best buddy. So it was me, Luke and Derek. That's the hell of a group. Good head. Do they know each other? They had to make it work. No, they know each other. We worked together in Spokane. They came. Yeah. Derek came and we did Tacoma together and we did something else together. So they're boys. I thought you. Luke is Derek's favorite friend of mine he's ever met. No offense. Yeah. He's like your number one and vice versa. So they're thickest thieves. He told me that in person. I think it's that in person thing. Nah. He's told me how he feels about you. So anyways, we go out to Vegas. Hello. It's beautiful. So we go. What do we do? We got to go down. And it's so easy. Because it's in like a little mall, the square mall. Yeah. And there's a guitar center and an AMC theater across from the hotel. Now when I'm on the road with Matt Wei you're out in these podunk shit towns. Sure. That's what we do. We rent a car. We go to guitar center. We fuck around. Oh, I didn't know that. Then we'll go see a movie. Got it. So the part of you is like, wow, I got both the things right here. Wow. Some nice restaurants. Yeah. Cheesecake. No cheesecake. But they had Brio Tuscan grill. You ever have that? Brio. It's very good. So I go, well, we are in Vegas. Let's get Derek's like, well, I'm not. I don't want to go to a fucking guitar center in a movie. This is a good homo. So I go, all right. Let's go down to season's palace. So we hop in three abreast hour talking. Luke is seven foot three. Derek's 800 pounds. I'm six nine. So we're all jammed in the back of the fucking Toyota camera. Oh, got it. And then the guy. I go. Hey, I go, I wanted to buy Derek a kettlebell for Christmas to work out. Now, what do you, what do you make of this? Okay. I said to his wife, you should get him a kettlebell because I love kettlebell. I'm all kettlebell all the time. I didn't know that. Love the kettlebell. Kettlebell. And his wife was like, well, you know, he's, he's doing better. He's getting in better shape. He's, he's lost weight. She's like, I don't want to hurt his feelings. Would that hurt your feelings? Someone got you a kettlebell. Would you be like, you think I'm fat? Not at all. I'd be like, thanks. This is a free gift. And also, it's like, you can be anything. I'd be like, be appreciative. I feel like if you've got someone like an ozepic pen, you'd be like, what the hell do you mean? But I'm like, wait what? Dump bells or a weight bench. You're not, it's just like, hey, this is fun. You can get strong. Yeah. Especially for a guy. I mean, you give it to a girl. You're like, you're a lesbian. Right. But a guy, that's what you do. Yeah, I think it's a great gift. So anyways, we brought that up. So I send the driver. I throw it to the driver. I go, would that be hurtful if someone got you a kettlebell? I mean, this is just like, it's not like a Muslim guy, it's like a white crusty vagus guy. And he's like this, the fuck's a kettlebell? What the fuck is a kettlebell? Is this a white guy? Yeah, he's just like a crusty old vagus guy. And it was one of those ones who feel like this. All right. Yeah, okay. So we included you. It's like a dumbbell. And then Derek was, look, it's like a dumbbell and Derek was, but smarter. Yeah. How funny is that? That's good. That's how funny this guy is. That's a funny guy. Right off the top of his asshole. He doesn't need to work out. He's funny. So he goes, it's like a big ball with a weight and the guy's like, I don't know what the fuck that is. Yeah. And he goes, yeah, you've seen it. It's a big weight like in the cartoons. I don't know guys. I don't know. I love these guys. There's just too rich for my blood. That's above my big weight. It's a fucking bar with a ball on it. You want it nothing to do with it. You know what you think? You're like, we're going to entertain this guy. What we found? I'll bring him in. He's like this. I don't know guys. Yeah. And so you're like, all right, forget it. Yeah. That's funny. My dad was like that. It reminds me of that Malaney joke where he's got like six friends in the car and his dad's driving. And he dad pulls up to McDonald's and the kids are like, oh, McDonald's, I want a nice cream. I want a happy meal. And the dad gets. He goes, one black coffee and drives off. Who's joking? That's so relatable. My dad was just like that. That's so beautiful. That's so beautiful. Yeah. That's a beautiful, you wonder how these guys get to the top. He's a funny drug addict. And it's very, very, very funny. Funny guy. Good God. That's from the first special too. That's all. Yeah. The treasure chest is always too small. That's very fun. Not in the life. Sorry to live. I'm sorry to tell you in the grill. Hey gang. This episode of Tuesday's stories blocked you by Shopify. The new year is the perfect time to launch your new business with Shopify. We all got our new year's resolutions. You got that thing you've always wanted to do, but never got around to do it. Well, let's do it, damn it. And it's never been easier because Shopify gives you everything you need to sell online and in person, millions, that's millions with an am of entrepreneurs have already made the leap from household names to brand new companies. 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Anyways. So we go down. I said, let's go to Caesar's Palace. Now I'm, I spent a lot of time in Vegas, Caesar's Palace is my number one joint. They got the best cigar lounge. What a buffet. Oh my God. Buff gay. Jimmy Buffay. It's, they got nice food courts. You don't have to break the bank if you don't want. They got a Peter Luger's. If you don't want to break that court side. And then they got the best poker room. The poker room's all lit up nice. Some of these poker rooms are dank. Yes. Yes. It's sad in there with these divorced men and the losers. Exactly. And themselves. And me. But everyone looks like Chuck by the way. They all have a track jacket. Glasses. Hat. Facial hair. I have another funny guy, I overheard a guy on the train. You take the little airport train and the guy goes, I brought sunglasses in case we play poker or hit the slots. And the guy goes, the slots, he goes, you got to wear them so the slots don't know what you're thinking. And I'm like, that's funny. That's very funny. The idea of wearing dark glasses at the slot machine. Yeah. I thought he was going to say because the lights are like a seizure factory. Now he's doing a bit and you're like, I love it. You want to be like, hey, I'm a comedian. Can I hang with you guys? Or can I use that? Yeah. I thought that too. Not anyways. So we go there and we're gambling. It's fun. Now look is one of these guys. He doesn't want to gamble. He's like, you know, Jew. So he's the, he's this guy, Derrick and I are playing roulette. We're just putting money. Everybody's like put it on 14. I guarantee it so you're like all right And then they take my my lose I hate that guy goes put it on two. It's gonna be - I'm telling you This goes off like four hours after while you're like break out your wallet Yeah, I'm losing all my money because you're pigs. He's back seat gambling Exactly and then you don't want to pick his number because then if it comes up he wins He goes hey, you should have listened so every time he says a number I'm putting on there and they're just taking all my money He's like on their team and he's using you to sacrifice. He's having a good time But not putting skin in the game good point for skin eventually. He did how about this move by the way He puts 40 bucks in a slot machine. He's on it. It gets down to it's down to 23 cents the game freezes It's like a video slot. So we got a he's like I got to call the Ju fantasy right here 23 cents and the lady it was from Boston She's like you from Boston. He just we had a hat and I go. Yeah, I grew up in Massachusetts He goes me too. You're fucking dizzy. Fuck nice. And he goes, okay. Well, we got to get this 23 cents He's like 23 cents how small is your pack a pack a head and look is like it's principal and so we had a whole Carfuffle they had to go get the machine and come back for the machine and then eventually the lady Just gave him a dollar bill. Oh 75 cents or 77 cents. I'm telling you this is you heaven. So they're like it's a buck So I'm like you just tripled your money or quadrupled whatever this yeah, but you lost the 40. Yeah, I still lost money That's a good way to do it get the game frozen. I know about an extra 70 cents, but if the Waitress from Boston with two teeth is going here's a dollar get the hell out of here Maybe get your priorities in order. It was a little rough But it was funny the whole thing was hilarious. I videotape to we'll put it out Oh, that's fun and then big apple pie posters Davin spade Nikki glazer call see oh wow Call a seal. That's exciting. It's like I texted Nikki I go. That's a cool poster. Congrats. So cool. You're great. Whatever that she did now. What do you make of this? She's like lunch tomorrow. Oh So she's in the vague she's in Vegas at the call see him was spade, which sounds exciting I haven't seen her a long time. I love Nikki. She's blowing up. She's hilarious killed it So I'm like well, I'd love to have lunch. I was like, but I can't ditch my boys I'm like, what do you make of this? Oh Love to have lunch, but I got Luke Mona's who you know and my best buddy from high school. Oh, you're bringing in randos This is no good. She's like a massive celebrity and she texted back That's a lunch. You're gonna have to have on your own. Oh good for her. I like that and so look at the same way Devastated. He's like that's about me. She hates me and then when we're leaving on Sunday Derek texted us both and goes hey great trip guys. I'm having brunch with Nikki. I'll see you later That's funny. He's on I always wonder with the because I've seen the Nikki and spade thing and you go I don't know about that because they look the same It's too spindly ladies with blonde long hair and you're like I don't know who's had more work done. Who's thinner who's got smaller tits, but This is an odd choice. Well, I think she's a foot and a half dollar than him, but they're both very fighting funny Killers, so you get the rocket and Kevin Hart. Hey, we got a poster here look at what's big what's little holy shit But you got spade and Nikki. It looks like the Sklar brothers It's two of the same Well, it's a hell of a show. I'd like to see the show, but I had my own dumb shows Which is a bummer because you just all you could think is would be would be treated would have the would have a visit and say hello But it is fun when you're like boy that would be great to have lunch My buddy flew all the way down and of course they're like just go and I'm like I can't ditch my fucking best buddy. It's one lunch. Yeah grown man. They'll survive. Alright, but I but that's what they said They're like we'll be fine, but it's not about them. It's about me. I don't want to miss the buddy time I want the buddy time. Yeah, but you got you got a beautiful bustling starlet here. Well, I'll see you another time. Oh, we're gonna fuck. I have a wife. Well, you can see them another time too You're gonna see them more than her. I think this is my best all-time number one friend Who flew all the way here to hang out? That's a good point Associate Alright, you got you got a point. So yeah, I mean and I only see Derek You know, you got to think about life the whole stream of life. Yeah. Yeah. I got kids. He's got kids. He lives there I live here. I might see him four more times not to mention I didn't get in the kettlebell. He could die any minute That's true. What the fuck's a kettlebell? He said a guy a photo. That's the perfect reaction by the way. Yeah sir. Well, what do you think? Would you get a kettlebell? I don't know what that is. All right. Well, that's the thing about life I see in your friend you might see it forwards up. My parents my mom text me randomly She goes we're coming to New York for 15 days. I go godly and my first instinct is how do I get out of this one? But then you go my parents are old as shit there in their late 70s Flying up to another state and getting an uber and then another uber and then going upstairs and that that's a lot for them My dad is very immobile and So I go yeah, yeah, come on up. Good idea because how many more times they're gonna be able to do this right? So you got to take advantage exactly so I bought him a shelter In the shelter now. How about this one hold on? Oh boy, I got a bunch of stuff here also good that Nicky's like So famous now and she's still like hey, let's hang. Yeah. Well, we had a nice Text exchange after the Emmys and it was very sweet very good stuff good good girl. So And now as we get older, you're like I've done Nicky for 20 years. Yeah I've never heard you made of that move remember that you had the bit about it What are you the bit of value? We're like hey, we're from what do we do? Let's just hook up And then she was like I can't hook up because it'll ruin the friendship and you said actually I think it'll help it Because this is Rudy. It was a great bit. You never got it off the ground. Was that her or Sarah? It was her I don't want to get you in trouble again. This is 400 years ago. Oh, I don't remember this at all We were on a stoop in Queens all hanging out. Am I stooping? Yeah, you're stoop in a story And it was like like a Greg Warren. I think other people were there. Oh boy. And she was just a regular comic And you were like boy, you got you were killing you were making her laugh and she was she touched your leg And then I think I'll kill him. I think what way you were like what do we do it here? Let's just go blow each other And she was like it'll ruin our friendship. We got it such a great friendship And you were like well, this is kind of ruining it. Right interesting something like that. I was funny. It was a funny idea But maybe I'll bring it back got off and you never she never got off. All right. Well, I'll try it It's not for the good. Yeah, not bad. I'm just saying maybe that that lunch could have been something. Yeah, damn Maybe I could have had sex with her at the Coliseum Wow All right, are there lions around? Is it is it the same? Is it like a Gladiator? I don't know. I don't know that much about the Coliseum So they wrestled lions and then Joaquin Phoenix was there it sounds yeah, Denzel's gay. I don't know what's going on But that Netflix fest. It's like the Greek theater the Hollywood Bowl the forum The mount obon theater. I'm like how is this many people filling these rooms Well, it's a big city you got six million people. I guess I guess what we're doing the improv that'll be fun That'll be easy to fill. I think so Hanley and you're doing a two guys two girls one cup. I'm doing the improv also on my own I think that is and then after that I shoot to the big theater with it's me Jordan Jensen Samarillo and Rachel Feints That's a hell of a picture. That's gonna be a good hang and then Oh, that one had lips. That was deep. That was like she'll be exhaling That does think with a barney burps. So anyway, so we're down there in Vegas And then I want to play poker. I'm a poker playing homo. Put a hot poker up my ass after you chop my dick off Poker through here George Carlin. Yeah. Yes. So I'm like let's play some poker And then they don't play poker. They don't want to play poker and the problem with poker once again You're there for an hour two three four five hours. Yeah, and I don't want to miss the hang So it was real as long as you keep kind of walking by the poker room to be like All right, let's see maybe and then I'm like maybe I'll get up early the whole thing But you just want to be part of the hang but I also want to play To finally we're walking by and I go let me just add you know when you really want to do something So you keep getting closer. You're like it's like ice cream. We are like let me just see the menu. Yeah Let me just check the prices. Let me just look at the brothel brochure. Yeah, let me just Ask the lady if she's single and then eventually you're like just give me the fucking two gallons of ice cream and I'll be on my way Yeah, yeah, so I did that and I'm like Let me as their adult one three blind. Yeah, yeah, and then I was like there come on come play you fucking homo He goes well, I don't know. I'm nervous. I've never played at a poker table. I don't know what I'm doing I'm like don't worry. There's no pressure. Who cares? It's just poker. I don't know those guys give you some glares because I'm with him I don't know how to play that well and they don't they don't want you around Yeah, that's fair So anyways, they're going to start a new table and I go can my buddy and I get in which never happens you never get to be at a poker table Just you and your buddy next to you sure sure so I say let's jump in so we ditch Luke at one point He came and stood over the table. He's like six seven. This guy's like can you get him out of here? Is this a guy that's not gonna be a shoulder? Yeah, it's crazy. It's like a hawk So we sit down. We're next to each other. We got a fresh table everybody shows up you get your money You can't see your thing and he's like what do I do? I don't know how to play Oh, thank you kid every time it comes round to him. He kept saying he kept saying push instead of check I think I'll push and I'm like this. You don't say you don't say push That's a terrible. I didn't know that he comes back around. I'll push and I'm like you don't push and poker there's no push What is push even what is that supposed to mean? Well push in blackjack - Yeah, I think he means check. - Oh, okay, got it. - But push and blackjack is like, we tied, so there's no money exchange. - Like, it doesn't make sense, even, it doesn't make sense. - Yeah, I'll pull. - So I'm like, every time it comes to, I'm like, oh my God, I gotta pretend I don't know this guy. I'm like turning my back to him. I'm like, how about this asshole, kettlebell? - Yeah. - So he goes, push, and then the little Asian dealer, she goes, oh, you want the push? - Oh, she says make incredible, which is hilarious. He want, he want push. - What a pushy. - Why you not push, you get kettlebell. And I'm like, this lady's gold, so she leaves, she does the, claps out. - I love the clap. - No guy, no guy comes in. And so now, this is where it gets back, 'cause he's, he's saying push, but whatever it's all good, he wins a couple of hands, I win a couple of hands, whatever. - It's like a make a wish. - We're playing, make a push, we're all playing. Then it comes around to him. Now, this is the first hand with big action. He must have something, I'm out of the hand. He puts in, this guy bets 30, he calls, he pushes, this guy calls, now there's like 200 bucks in the pot. This is getting hot and heavy. - Oh, mama, I'm nervous. - So they flip the river, now there's, you know, the five cards out there, everyone's got their cards. - River Phoenix. - Goes to this guy, and he goes, oh, let me think. And Derek just flips his hand, he goes, I got a straight. The game, the hand still going. He just throws his cards down, in the middle of the fucking game. - Yeah, lord. - And I go, oh, I throw my hands, I'm like, oh, my God. And the guy goes, all right, well, I'm out. And then this guy next to him is like, you gotta be kidding me. He has a flush, now this is the problem. I don't know if his poker player is out there, but a flush beats the straight. But if you have a flush, you're hoping your opponent gets his straight, so they bet. - So they think they have it. So this poor guy, he still wins the hand, but Derek's like, I got the fucking straight, I got the nuts, I'm gonna win. This guy has the winning hand. So he's like, you fucked me, 'cause I would've bet 80 bucks, and you're fucking kettlebell asshole would've pushed. - That's what I'm saying, you can't go in there without knowing everything, 'cause these psychos get mad at you. - Well, he handled it well, 'cause he still got to win his money. But I was like, I wanted to bury myself in a bucket of come, 'cause I'm just into that, but it was like, one of those moments where you're like, he's like, look at this, I got a straight. - That's adorable. I love it. - He's just a disaster. - That's a cute guy right there. - But he didn't care, he was like, ah, what can you do, I'm learning who gives a shit, but it feels like a galfon acquiesce in the hangover, where they're just like, oh, this fucking guy's killed us. - And then everyone that into the table was like, he's a fucking free time man. - He's like, ah, nobody cares. I'm like, they're laughing and lying over there. - He should've just brought him in, gave him a kettlebell and let him hang out. - Ah, no, it was bad, but I ended up winning a bunch of my 140 bucks, which at a poker table is pretty good. We like play for an hour 'cause we want to go find Luke. - That's a lot of money in an hour. - That's not bad, 140 bucks an hour is pretty good. - Very good. - There's a nice feeling. It's fun to win hands and, yeah, it was exciting. - What a weekend. - It was awesome. Shows were great, so many twos gays. Love the club. Oh, and then Noah Garden Schwartz came by. - Hey! - With Esther. - Oliver Garden. - How about that? You have Noah and Luke together. - I mean, it's two six foot six. - The big juice, yeah. - Yeah, huge, so that was fun. He's awesome, and just a fucking great weekend. I love Las Vegas. I reached an age where I love Vegas. - Not a fan. - Well, I love the weather, I love the poker. I love you can smoke indoors, and Caesar's pals, these casinos, now they have the best, like smoke eaters that ever, they can just smell like smoke in there. - You got a Stogi going? - Oh yeah, you can walk around smoking, and they have a huge sports book. So we're watching the NFL playoffs. I'm smoking a big bat. I got a pile of money in my pocket. We also wanted roulette. Oh, and then this move, I did this baller move that was fun. I'm walking out, I got, I'm up, you know, 300 bucks. Plus, I'm selling shirts, so I got all that cash in my pocket. So I got a fistful of cash. I'm like fucking the Babbit brothers. - It's full of dollars. - So I'm walking by, I take, I go to the high stakes roulette on the way out. - Oh, scary. - I throw a hundred bucks down, it's a $50 minimum. It's like the super room, the special room. - Oh, special room, that's where I went to high school. - So I go, give me, give me some nickels. You know, I know the terminology. So I just spread 50 bucks all around the table. - 12, oh, I got nothing. She scoops it all up. - I hate a scoop. - And I go, well, I got one more spin. 50 dollar minimum, so I put it all over the place. Bling! 34, I went 275 dollars. - Oh, you're on fire. - So I add 175 to my collection, put that in, scoop it right in the pocket and go, let's go boys. - Hot streak, I love a scoop. So I just had fucking cash coming out of my asshole. We got to the show, shows were awesome. Roulette was great, poker was great, buddy time was great. And then right before the Saturday show, we all jumped in the hot tub, we sat in the hot tub, we soaked together. - Oh man, I'm so good a year. - And it was like 64 degrees, so we ran out of the hot tub, we jumped in the pool, which was cold, it was like a cold plunge. - Splashed around in the chili, went back to the hot, back to the cold, back to the hot tub. - That's a push. - Two shows, I ordered Brio for everybody. Best weekend of my life. - Wow. - Man, her name was Brio and she dances in the pool. - Woof, that voice. - I'm not a singer. - No, no, neither, but anyway, shout out to Vegas, shout out to the Gaines, we gotta wrap this fucking thing up. - We love you, sorry about the vinegar fiasco. - That's all right, they're fine, that was all, yeah. - I wanna talk about it, these people, they're like, you fucking piece of shit. - Whatever, don't worry about it. - Don't you worry, you're pretty little, it's just unbelievable. But anyways, I don't, I don't even wanna address it, but yeah, it was, yeah, it doesn't matter. Anyways, so, where am I gonna be? I don't know, wait a minute, yeah. - Oh shit, I had one little thing, but I'll say, - Oh, you wanna do it, dude? - It was so crazy, but so I did a set two nights ago, I'm out, frollicking in New York City, the wife calls me, or text because the cops are here. That's the text. Can you believe how little information you get with that? - What's the crap? - The cops are here, I don't know if it's good, bad. - It's the same. - If she's sleeping with them, if she fought one, if they shot her, whatever. So I go, what the fuck? I go, what the hell's going on? She's like, don't worry, I was asleep on the couch, I see a bunch of lights in the window, like those magnums. - I don't know, what the hell's going on? She's like, don't worry, I was asleep on the couch, I see a bunch of lights in the window, like those magnums, condoms, and they're just flashing in the window, and she's like, what the hell's going on that you hear? And she's like, oh my god, so she goes out there, it's two cops, and they go, hey, we found a homeless guy, a crackhead, whatever, derelict, going through a bunch of boxes. On the sidewalk, we snabbed him. We snabbed. I've been grabbing snagged together, we snabbed him, and we said, hey, it's two degrees outside, you're black. You live here now. You're going through the boxes and the middle of the side. Who does that? So they had a suspicious hunch, and they look on the boxes, it's got my name on them. Oh boy. So a bunch of people sent us baby gifts, because it's his birthday the other day. Happy birthday. And the cops brought him over, they brought the boxes over because they had our name and address on it. Oh, so the guy stole the box, he stole it right off the porch, we didn't, she was asleep. But apparently, it was a pirate, a butt pirate. So apparently there's a bunch of snabs in the area, and they got a bunch of calls, and we just happen to be snabbed that night, and they got the guy. No kidding. Yeah. So thank you, NYP, anal. Yeah, we love you boys, big boy toys. Yeah, so defund them and yeah, all's well-dranals. - Nice, oh thank God, that's how it's scary. I see some boxes right now. - That's them, that's some toys. - Very boxes you were returning. - Yes, yes, eat my box. - I'd love to. - So where are you gonna be there, fatty face? - Atlantic City, January 31st, when's this come out? I have no idea. - One day. - One day. - One day. - Back to the poker table for you. - Yeah, January 31st. Oh, January 28th, this Wednesday, you and I, both will be at SASH, which we're filming for some shit. That's tomorrow, we're filming some shit. Did you ever get out of the film crew? - Nope. - We're in the Salah Q's doghouse. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You're out. - No bueno. - Well, maybe he knows you're much more skilled than he is, joking Matthew, what are you kidding? That's a joke. - Oh boy. - Look at that, just kidding, he probably just hates you. SASH, SASH, baby, that's Wednesday. I'm looking at the wrong month. - I'm looking at a pee. - And Virginia Beach, the end of February, December, February 27th and 28th. - It's not gonna snow there. - No, I don't think so, but maybe. Who knows, what the fuck? Oh, and then one night only. - Oh. - This is, you're here first. - Oh, and oh. - Austin, Creek in the Cave, February 22nd. You're gonna do a Joe List in Friends type of thing. - Jamie, you're turning on the mothership already, yeah. - That'll sell out now. I just added another mothership date in September. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - And then I got a bunch of other stuff coming up. Columbus, Ohio, Toledo, Ohio. Oh, San Francisco, of course. Valentine's Day, we can come. - Oh, I love it. - And Vancouver, we added a show. Please fill that up. It's February 12th, I think. there you go, there you go, I'm in San Antonio and LOL and then a Tulsa, Oklahoma, I've never been there my entire life, I don't think going to Flagstaff Arizona, Swaharita, Arizona for a casino, Indianapolis, helium, Buffalo, helium, Portland, Maine, a Lexington, Kentucky, Fort Lauderdale, Florida at the Danubeach improv and Raleigh, North Carolina, for good night. So I love that club, Spokane as well, get some bodega cat, get on the Patreon, it's humming, it's a push, kettlebell, what do you got Chuchy? Check out my podcasts, fun bearable, there's a lot of twosgays over there, we have a lot of fun in the comments, it's a good time, we all talk to each other. And if you, you got a lot of money, you love creative projects, we're doing a pilot. So reach out to me at Discount Shuck on Instagram if you have any interest in investing in something. Uh oh, fun increases. Whoa, we got two investing. Alright, the pilot light is on. Thank you folks, you'll see y'all in hell. Bring the lights.