#639 Bob Gnarly

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. Nah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't. Oh my god! Good morning, Vietnam! Vietnam! I'd like to go to Vietnam. That'd be fun. It's far, I know. Watch over Charlie. Far east. The bush. Charlie's right here. And I'm watching out. Oh yeah, that's true. Have we not seen you in a while? I feel like it's been a long, long time. It was a good time. Yeah, we missed. Probably a month. Wow! Because of the holidays, we had Lex. We had back-to-back Lexes. It was a Christmas miracle. Yeah, it was fun. And Rupert's still alive. Is he still with us? The toes have got to be gone. He's doing all right. He's making it. He's going to have his New Year resolution of losing weight. What do you mean, gonna? It's March 3rd over here. He's gearing up. All right. Come on, Rupert. We believe in you, buddy. We love you. That's why we're always saying nice things and supporting you. How does this outfit work? Is this all right? I got maroon and red. Oh, you're clashing. What's that guy's name? Who leads the clash? Joe Strummer. Oh, good pull. I didn't know that. Good pull. They're the greatest band of all time. Wow, that feels like a leap. I don't think it is, actually. All time? I think pound for pound. Oh, get out of here. The clash, I would make a case that they could. I could make the case. Rudy. Come on. Rudy, Catfell. All time? Absolutely. The Beach Boys? The Beatles? Pound for pound. The Beatles, the Rolling Stones, the Zeppelin, the Who? Well, there's not bad clash. That's the thing. I mean, you know, there's a few stinkers, but I mean, all these bands have some bad. The clash fucking rules. You got punk, reggae, a little bit of jazz, a little bit of everything. They're the coolest. Chuck just quit. That's all right. Don't forget the coat. I'd love to never see that fucking thing again. Yeah. Oh, boy. We're teasing, of course. Boy, I got some fun, fun stuff. Stuff that I wanted to call with, but I said, let me hold. Let me hold on. I almost texted you this week. I had a howling fit just in the hotel room on the road, just going, too fruity. Too fruity. And I just wanted to write that to you. Just too fruity. Too fruity is great. I tried to explain to my wife the brilliance of Flight to Cleveland. And also, the smugness is not a good quality. I spent 10 minutes talking about smugness is not a good quality to my wife. That's great. By the way, all three of those different. They're all different accents. They're all accents. Accents are funny. Oh, yeah. These foreigners are silly. They're cuckoo. Thank you. Come again. Come on. That's gold. Leave them in the country. Ice you sons of bitches. Come on. Let's get these wackos in here. They're fun. What a wonky time. We're supposed to get the immigrants out, and he's shooting the white negatives, the locals. Boy, that was something else. That was ugly. The fucking bitch. That's a bad look. Bad tagline. Oh, did he say that? He shoots her in the face. He's like, fucking bitch. Oh, I didn't hear that. I didn't hear that. Yeah, it's tough. Jeez. Even Alec Baldwin was like, yikes. Cheney came back and was like, my God. Cheney. But what are you going to do? Oh, Chuck came back. We wanted you back. How'd it go in there? It's a little mucky. Murky, mucky, yucky. It's bad. It's Katrina. It's Darfur. It's Sudan. Darfur. What happened with Darfur? Did we get that all settled? Darth Vader? I don't know. He died. Well, what's going on with Gaza? Because now Iran? Iran's all wacky, and then nobody cares. Well, Iran's been wacky for some time, from what I understand. And Iran. And it's Iran, I've learned from multiple people. Iran. That's how they say it. But I think we can say Iran, because we're different. We're American, yeah. Yeah, we do what we want. They go, America. It's not America. It's America. Yeah. Or actually, they call it infidel, or whatever the hell they say. Infidel, infer. Infidel. What's the other del? There's del, and there's apple. Oh, yeah, the gateway. The gateway. Del, the opposite of apple? No, del's out. Del's not even close to apple. Del's down here. Apple's cooking. Oh, all the way down here. Well, I want to get. Are we okay? Chuck keeps making faces and noises. He's pressing buttons. I don't know what's going on over there. Yeah, all right. All right. You be a little quiet. There's wires everywhere. The wire's showing. Good TV show. I didn't care for it. It's one of these. I love these shows. It's like, you got to give it nine hours. Give it seven episodes. Then it'll kick in. That's what I don't get. But, that being said, if someone was like, I've never seen Seinfeld. You say it's the greatest show. I would 100% be like, do not watch the pilot. Good point. Good point. So, you know, and funny because Seinfeld, didn't he do a bit about that? About people being like, don't. You want to watch eight seasons or something? I think he did a bit like that. Oh, did he? I think so. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he didn't. I think he did. I think he was like, you got to give it a chance. Something. Anyways, the point is, seasons one and two of Seinfeld, not so hot. No, not hot. I mean, two's got some gold, obviously. But the first season, which is only four episodes, is dog shit. Yeah. Could have been less if you asked me. And the last two seasons, I don't care for either. But we've discussed this. I mean, Andrea Doria is fun. But we'll move on. There's some fun stuff. It's a little ridiculous. It's a little ludicrous. Well, can I just jump into my headline story? Please. Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee. Headline news breaking. How about that Chevy Chase, by the way? Oh. What a cum-guzzling Nazi. Boy, he doesn't do any favors. But can I say this? I want to defend something about Chevy Chase. All right. And I got a thing, too. Because you saw the thing where he said, you're not bright. I'm too deep. You saw that whole clip, big viral clip. Yes. The lady said, oh, yeah, I'm trying to figure you out. Oh, yeah. And he said, you're not bright enough. You'll never figure me out. I'm too deep. Too deep. But I saw all these people comment, oh, Fletch is too deep. We'll never understand the depth of Fletch. And I'm like, well, just because someone's in a silly movie doesn't mean they're not bright. They don't have depth. Yes. Yeah. Peter Sellers had depth. I'm not saying that Chevy Chase is, you know. Thick not on. Yes. But just because you're a silly good, like Steve-O staples his balls to his assholes for a living. That's true. Multiple assholes. But. The whole jackass. I'm sure there's a lot of depth in there. You know what I mean? Yeah. So you can play Fletch and be really interesting. Of course. Of course. I mean. That's the go-to. That's the go-to. It's an easy. It's a straw man. Yeah. I believe that's what that is. We'll never figure out. Oh, we'll never figure out the depth of Clark Griswold. You're like, well, he could be a crazy, depth-deep psycho who reads Kurt Vonnegut books or whatever the fuck. Yeah. And just be a silly goose. And he's a character. We're talking about Chevy here. Chevy. You go from, hey, Chevy is a piece of shit. Fletch isn't deep. But yeah, but that's a written part in a movie. Doesn't make sense. Yeah. I mean, Kramer's like falling off the wall and sliding down. But then you watch. Michael Richards, in an interview, he developed a circular chess game. Ooh. So he's a nut or whatever. Just don't watch his act. Springing you up. Well, that's what I want to get into with this story. But what do you want to add Chevy to? Oh, so there was a big Chevy-Bill Murray rivalry, as you know, in the 70s. A lot of people picked a side. I'm a Murray man all day. I love Bill Murray. But I love Quentin Tarantino, as you do. And he said. I like Chevy better. And I go, oh, I wonder why he likes Chevy. Because I respect his opinion. And he said, every Bill Murray movie, he goes in, he's a dick, he's smarmy. And by the end of the movie, he's learned something. He's come out the other side. He's maybe a little warmer, a little more apathetic. Empathetic. Chevy is a dick in the beginning and stays a dick. And he goes, I like that better. Interesting. That's his take. Well, I just think Chevy's funnier. No way. As a comedic. I mean, Chevy in Christmas Vacation, on the ladder, doing this thing where you can't decide. I mean. I'll give you a physical. This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. I mean, physical, it's not close. I think Murray, he's got something to him that you can't even pinpoint. He's got like a magic to him. Like, he can carry Groundhog Day. He carried, what about Bob? Yeah. He's amazing. He's great in Rushmore. He has such a subtle brilliance. Stripes, he's incredible in the first half. Velocity. Lost in Translation and Rushmore, two of my all-time top 20 masterpieces. There we go. You can't have Chevy in Lost in Translation. It would ruin it. I mean, maybe he has it in him. I don't know. I don't know how much depth he has. That butt chin. He's got no depth. He's in Fletch. But, man, Bill Murray in Rushmore is the masterpiece when he says, I'm a little bit lonely these days. And he lights the cigarette with the other cigarette in there. And Lost in Translation is amazing. But just funny, funny. I got to go Chevy on funny. I mean. I mean, that guy makes me fucking howl. But then what's so fascinating, the 90s hit and Chevy just strayed into the building like fucking Umar Hussein or whatever the fuck the guy's name is. Ali Al Jazeera. Yeah. Ali Sadiq. I mean, 90s, just nothing. Zilch. He was in Cops and Robbersons with Jonathan Taylor Thomas. And that was about it. The guy went, oh, for the decade. It's fascinating. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. That was bad. Caddyshack, Bill Murray's. I mean, I mean, Chevy Chase is a hundred times funnier than Bill Murray. He's doing the lip fucking nonsense thing. I just never thought he was funny in that movie. Yeah, he went way over the top. He got cartoony in that movie. Yeah. You varmint, all that shit. Is he dumb? Is he retarded? Is he stoned? What is it? And Chevy, I mean, with the massage. Oh, now I've done it. I mean, he's just amazing. You're not good, which is one of my favorite lines ever. So even in Ghostbusters, Bill Murray kind of has, he's the comedic relief. He saves that movie in a lot of ways. He's the only funny one in that film. Well, Moranis is good. Yeah. But he's playing a guy where Bill Murray's a funny guy. Yeah. I mean, I love them both. It's one of these things where it's hard, but certainly Murray, the much better career, certainly a better dramatic actor and seemingly a nicer guy, but also plenty of stories about him being a fucking complete piece of shit too. Both problematic. Yeah. As you would say, quote unquote. Hey folks, this episode is brought to you by Kintz or Quintz? How do you say it? Quintz. Quintz. Quincy Jones. Your wardrobe needs a winter reset. Quintz is here to help you stay warm and look sharp. From basics to statement pieces. I love a statement piece. Quintz has it all. Mongolian cashmere sweaters. Holy crap. Can we say that? Tailored Italian wool coats. Down jackets. Denim and leather outwear. Built to last. Mark, tell them about your organic stretch corduroy chore jacket. I love this jacket. It's a beauty. I would never buy it. I don't have the self-esteem, but they sent this one and it is a beauty. I wear it all the time. I get a lot of compliments on it. It fits great. It's good quality. Good material. Big fan. Well, Quintz partners directly with ethical factories and top artisans. That's huge. No middleman means you're getting top quality pieces without paying luxury. Prices refresh your winter wardrobe with Quintz. Go to Quintz.com/Tuesdays for free shipping on your order and 365 day return. Now available in Canada too. That's Q U I N C E.com/Tuesdays for free shipping and 365 day returns the whole year. Quintz.com/Tuesdays. Love it. Back to the show. Get on it. Okay, well, let me, let me say something. Come out of the closet. Yeah, please. I saw F1. Me too. I liked it. I thought it was fun as heck. It's a, it's a popcorn Hollywood horse shit, but, uh, the dialogue is atrocious, but it's, uh, it's, uh, it does everything you want a movie to do. It's entertaining. It's your root, your root for the guy and there's an up and a down and an arc. I liked it. Yeah. Well, Brad Pitt, very sexy. I could watch him fuck Chuck in the ass. And it was cool to see that old, like Clint Eastwood, man type of guy to be like quiet. I can do whatever I want. I push a guy if I hate, if I hate him, but he was still likable. Um, boy, I watched, uh, Jeremiah Johnson yesterday. Wow. You ever put that puppy, put that puppy on. Yeah. I mean, I've seen it. Not in a, not in a minute, but those are two very different kinds of films. I just had, I got, I got a wild hair by ass and I've never watched it. I've seen the meme where Robert Redford goes. Yeah, that's the big meme. Big meme. And it's a cheesy part of the movie, but, uh, I loved it. Yeah. It's a fun one. John. Milness. Milness? Milness? Milius? Milius. Milius. Yeah. Big, big Republican psycho did, uh, Dread Dawn and Conan. Yeah. And took a crack at Apocalypse Now also. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Solid little res on that guy. Extreme prejudice. Absolutely. We saw the primate. Have you seen that one, Chuck? I want to. It's a horror picture. It's 86 minutes long and there's, there ain't nothing to it. You show up and they go. Hey, we're a family. We got a monkey. And then it's like two minutes later, Rob Delaney's in it. Couple minutes later, the monkey gets bit. They go, I think you might have rabies. Monkey kills all the people. That's the film. Not all the people. I don't want, I'm not giving it away, but I mean, it is, it just cooks with grease. Oh boy. There's the monkey. He's cool. Oh, he's not cool anymore. Damn. 92% on Rotten Tomatoes. It's a fun picture. I mean, there's literally zero character development. Wow. Absolutely none. Just a bunch of hot bitches getting killed by monkeys. Oh my God. That's my fantasy. It's not bad. All right. I'm in. Prime mate it is. Yeah, it's fun. Okay. So I'm on the flight. This is one of the career highlights for me. I can't wait to hear. So I'm on a United flight. I got bumped up to first class and it's just a flight to Chicago. It's like two hours, whatever. So I got bumped up. Nice seat. I'm in the back. I'm, I'm, uh, I'm snoring. The guy next to me goes, Hey, Hey. And I was like, huh? I look up the waitress is there. What's her name? Flight attendant. Thank you. She goes, uh, sir, sorry to bother you. I have a note for you. So she slides me a note. This is exciting. So I'm like, Oh my God, I'm a wonky. I'm, I'm just awoken. This guy's nudging me. Flight attendant, waitress notes. I'm like, what could this be? I thought they were going to say, cut your snoring out or get sleep apnea. Get a CPAP. I opened the note. It says, Dear Mark, Thanks for flying with us. I'm a huge fan. Dash the pilot. How about that? The pilot Jerry is in the audience. Holy hell. What do you call a black pilot? Wow. So I go, Oh my God. And I go, well, I hope I don't bomb. And she goes, So that was fun. That was a fun moment. The pilot. Yeah. How about that? So, you know, Frame that I got, I got it in my suitcase. I showed the wife. She didn't care, but, uh, I brought it to the, the, or I walked out to the, you know, you leave the plane and the pilot sometimes comes out and does one of these. Yes, exactly. He didn't come out. He's just sitting there. I saw the back of his head and I had the note and I went, thank you, sir. Thank you. And he goes, yeah, yeah. All right. All right. So that was it. He's probably nervous. He doesn't want to meet you. And he's embarrassed. He wrote a note like a fruitcake. Well, I wrote like me. Yes or no circle one. And he didn't, uh, he didn't partake, but, uh, uh, boy that I, so I, I had that moment. I was like beaming from that and I just watched F one. So I had to make my connection. So I was, I felt like Brad Pitt. I was like, you know, and I, and somebody went, he's flying, you know, and, uh, rent to the airport. I had like a cheesy ass F one moment. I had music in my ears as woo and, uh, made the, made it to the flight and went to Des Moines. Nice. That was Des Moines. That is a great comedy club. The Des Moines funny bone. They take care of you. The crowds were amazing. It's a 300 seat kill box. I like that room. Great room. Ladies name there. Ooh. You're going to get me in trouble here. Vinegar. I don't know. I can't remember. Sweetness. Connie. Connie Chung. Remember Connie Chung? Yeah. Chung Staten. And Eugene Chung was her brother. He was a lineman for the Patriots. What? An Asian lineman? Yeah. And then, uh, Connie Chung. A rindsman? Uh, whatever you call it. The, the. Lou's Broadcast. Yeah. Anchor. Anchor baby. Yeah. So, uh. This episode's gonna get us canceled. The only problem with the Des Moines funny bone is the bathroom is in the lobby. So you're in the green room and the whole place is jam packed and then there's a line for the next show and you're like, I gotta shit because I'm eating 800 pounds of comedy club food and drinking vodka sodas. Right. So I'm like, I gotta shit. My brain's out. So you have to wait for the feature to go on. Then it gets dark. I run to the bathroom. Eight guys see me. They go, that's the guy. I unbuckle. Now I'm shitting. I'm shitting with like 12 people in the bathroom who know I'm in there. Yeah. I'm shitting on the bus. Yeah. Well Denver comedy works is like that. The greatest club ever built by a man. Exactly. And it's the same thing. You got to walk through the kitchen and the hallway and the whole audience. And this is the problem. And this is my hypothesis. Yes. It's some dingleberries. They see you go into the bathroom, so they go, here's my chance. So then they go, Oh, I'm going to piss. And then they go and stand next to the urinal and go, Hey, you call that a penis? I'm a big fan. My father's gay. Exactly. And I, I want to wait. Well, you know, you're wiping your ass, your, your pants around your ankles, your dick is inside you. You're very vulnerable. And they're just waiting there outside. And I like to do the thing where I wait for everybody to leave. Then I go out of the bathroom and pretend to wash my hands, but they won't leave. So you're like, I got to just kind of face it with shit. My fingers. You don't have a good idea. Bring an extra pair of shoes to the club every night, but a pair of high heels, a pair of red pumps. You go in there. This is why you're making all the thousands of dollars. You take them. You're taking them in there. You bring in your backpack. You put on the pumps. You go in, you, excuse me. That's good. And then you leave and they don't know. Well, I might get beat up. They go, trans is in here. Well, whatever. You don't have to be high heels. I mean, that's for, that's for comedic purposes, but you can put on a pair of clown shoes or moccasins. Yeah. All right. I like it. I like it. So that's not bad. But yeah, great club. Great weekend. I got some work done. I tried to get an ice joke the whole weekend. I hired a filmer guy and he was like, I'm nailing this ice joke. Ice is the biggest thing everybody's talking about. The lady got shot in the head and uh, I was just pissing off the crowd. They're like, I'm doing well. Then I'd be like, what's up with this ice lady who hired her, uh, Alec Baldwin, dude, too soon. That's really sad. Keep it moving. So that, that ruined it. So I got no clip. Right in the face. He shot it. I know. Three times. Bang, bang, bang. Right in the face. No bueno. Woo. My goodness. You know, the guy's wife is an M. Is a what? Is that right? Yeah. Filipino broad. Wow. How about that? Yeah. So no wonder he shot a honky. What do you call it? I'm kidding. Filipino vinegar? Oh, boy. Okay. We're going to be in big, big trouble here. You ever have this one with a flight? The flight was at 10 a.m., so you've got to be there at 9. So I live in Brooklyn, so I can leave at 8.20, and I'll get there with plenty of time. So that's a good 40-minute window. Now, I had to think where I woke up at 7. I just woke up early, got the baby out, played with the baby. You want to see the baby before you leave. Fucked around, punched him in the stomach, the whole thing. And I'm like, man, I'm up so early. Look at me. I did a little workout. I fed the baby, whatever. I packed my bag. And you're like, man, I'm up so early that you think you have all this time in the world. I'm just kind of hanging around in the house. And I look at my phone. It's 8.50. Oh, boy. I've got to be there in 10 minutes. I was like, what have I done? In my head, I was like, I have so much time that I just lingered. I know this feeling. Okay. You know me. I'm compulsively early. I'm a psycho. But sometimes you're so early that you're late. Yes. Because you go, all right, well, I got out here five hours early because I hate traffic and my father's gay. So I came out at 11 a.m. So I go, I'm going to go to the movies, pick some daisies, make an applesauce. And then all of a sudden you go, oh, man, it's Mickey. I have three minutes to get there. Yes, exactly. And then you've got to be the guy that's like, I'm sorry I'm late, but I was in the area two hours ago. People are like, I don't give a shit. Exactly. I'm so glad you get it because it's such a weird, unique, rare, specific fuck up. Yeah. Oh, what happened? You overslept? No, I got up three hours too early. Right. Yeah, that happens. Now I'm running through the airport and the pilot's in the audience. I haven't been gone in so long at the time of recording. I haven't worked the road in like, I can't even remember. Well, it's got to be what, November? No, just beginning of December I did something. Then I went to Cleveland for a day, flight to Cleveland. What was the first weekend of December? Where was I? Do you remember? Where the hell was I? San Fran? No, that's coming up. Oh. Where the fuck did I go? December 5th, 4th, 6th? Oh, Cleveland with Becca. No, no, no. I never saw her. Okay. I swear to God. Where the fuck was I? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. People don't care about this. We're losing viewers. Yeah. I was somewhere, though. Yeah, you were. Jesus fucking tits, Christ. Where the hell did I go? Keep it moving. It's got to be in the cow. Yeah. Where was I? Do you remember? No, I found Leguizamo. Oh, you got a tongue? Licking? No tongue, but he came out with an eye patch. What? All right. That still sucks. That's wacky. Yeah, he sucks. Leguizamo sucks. Same initials. Could you imagine being in the green room with him at Leto? Like, I'm going to come out with an eye patch. You're like, yeah, that'll get him. I just have never found him being remotely humorous. There he is. Well, he was a comic, too. You'll see what I mean. See how he's like, hey, he's doing like. What? He's a Puerto Rican New Yorker. He's got a big, big mouth with big teeth. Yeah. He does have a huge soup cooler. And he's all full of bologna. I don't like his face. I don't like him. He's in The Pest. The Pest. That was one of his big movies. The Pest, Super Mario, and then he was in the Spike Lee flick joint. I don't know any of that. Son of Sam. Oh, Summer of Sam. Sorry. I was so excited for that film. I couldn't wait for it. And I thought it was so disappointing. And every once in a while, I'll go back and try to watch, because I love Summer of Sam. I'm a son of Sam. Yeah. Son of Dad. The guy? Well, I just like 70s. I read Ladies, Gentlemen, the Bronx is Burning, one of the great books of all time. I got to read that. I love summer fucking murder. Yeah. New York in the 70s. Garbage strike, and the lights go out. Blackout. And people are killing, and it's great stuff. Yes. So you're like, oh my God, a movie about that thing I'm interested in. And then I thought it just stuck. Ah, shit. Maybe I suck. I don't know. Yeah, we all stick. Vinegar. December. Where was I? Illinois. Vinegar, please. What do you got else? What else are you cooking with? When's the last time I saw Matt Wayne and we did a show? Oh, he was hoping his mother would die, because she had a brain thing. By the way, I'm going to LA this week. I'm trying to get Monez. Where is he? He's booked. Oh, he's the best. I'm in Vegas with him this weekend. Oh, that's what it is. He's fun. Well, he's fun to talk with. I would love to. You can get some real good. You can get some real good talking in. What are we talking? Dirt on comics? We talking gossip? We talking news? We talking politics? What are we talking? Oh, the whole. He's very opinionated, and I think he's got funny takes and smart takes. Does he agree or disagree with you? Oh, he agrees. Yeah. He's an agreeing guy. What's that face? Well, I'm trying to look up the dates you're thinking of. Yeah. This is when you're offered drugs, and there's girls that want you to force them. Oh, that's it. That's it. Kentucky. Lexington, Kentucky. Ah, Lex. Yes. Oh, and we figured it out. That was the last time I was on the road. It's been eight months. So I'm going to Vegas. I got Luke opening, and Derek's coming. Wow. And Noah Garnshort's going to hang. Hey, I love the Schwartz. Bunch of six-foot-five Jews and Derek. Yeah, and you. Yeah. Well, I think there's something in there. I told you. I went to Auschwitz, and Joseph List is in the list. Whoa. I think I might have something. Two lists. Yeah. In the Holocaust. Anyways. How about this one? So I've been doing yoga, you know, hoping to bump into an ex. Sure. I did a hot yoga here in the financial district. Id yoga, I think it's called. I-D or id. Id. I think it might be id. Like ego and id. Ah, sure. What is the id? I don't know. Is the ego, the id, and the odyssey, or what is it? Ego, id, and. Odd? I think the id is like. Who's the pot maker? Isn't that the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker? Yeah. The id is like the opposite of the ego. The id is the. The brain? The subconscious? On drugs. Yeah. It's like the unfiltered whatever you. Yeah. It is. It's the id, you know. I'd go. I see. I see you. Id is big. Id's big. Ego is bigger. Best left unsolved. Got it. But I thought there was three of them. The id, the ego, and the pinta. Oh, the superego. The superego. That's the. The vinegar guy. Yeah, exactly. I don't know. Well, we'll get to the bottom of that later. This is id yoga. So you're id yoga. We go to id yoga. Hot yoga. I mean, it's 110 if it's a foot. It's hot in there. That's what a hobo should go to, just to warm up. I suppose. I think you'd die in there. Oh, okay. Well, if he's freezing out under the overpass, get some id. Well, this is the thing. As crusty and cool, as hippie as these people, yoga people are, a homeless guy walks in and they're like, get the fuck out of the studio. That's true. They're a little. They're elites. They're elites. And so, you know, I've been doing a lot of yoga for 20 years now. Sarah went to this yoga class the day before and she's like, oh, you'd love it. She's like, every girl is so hot. They're smoking hot. And I go, great. Even better. I'm in. Beautiful. I go, I'm all excited for the hot girls. It's 150 degrees in there. Next to me is the hottest man I've ever seen. Just a hot guy with sleevy tattoos. On the other side, just the fattest pig I ever saw. Ah, Rupert? A New Year's resolution pig. Oh, yes, yes. She's like, I'm getting in there. I'm going to start doing yoga. This lady weighs 220. Sure. Get the Ozem, you cow. And you want to go, can we switch spots? Because I was there early. Because I wanted to get as much looking in as I could. Oh, but now you've got a big old raw hide staring at you. So I'm sitting there going, I've got the good spot. And first, this guy comes. And I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ. I'll be staring at this guy's asshole. And then this thing beaches. And I go, great film. So I'm like, ah, Jesus. I'm in beneath my wings. Just Jesus Christ. So anyways, the instructor has got a wacky eye. She's got a hot point this way. I see. Which is fine, whatever. But then- Is she hot, at least, with a wacky eye? No, no, no. So she's teaching the class. And yoga can be tough, because they give out instructions like it's fast. It's like the gulag. Take your left leg, put it up over your asshole. Take your right foot, put it- Turn it all about. Left foot blue, left foot blue, red foot green. Twister. So you get mixed up sometimes. Sure. And then at one point, she goes, am I speaking English today? What's going on here? Whoa. So it was a little gnarly, where I was like, oh, boy, someone's in trouble. Sure. This is funky. It takes you out of the yoga-ness. Bob Gnarly. And afterwards, is that Spike Lee? I'm not even joking. No, that was a lady. She had the glasses on. Yeah, ugly lady. So I come out, and it's 120. I'm fucking sweating. I'm dying. Does it feel good to get that evil out of you? You get the toxins out. Yes, toxins. Beautiful. It's great. Great stuff. We should go to do yoga together. Do a Patreon. I can't stretch. I did it with Ari on the roof once, and he was like, I've never seen anyone this unlimber. But Ari's full of shit. It's not hot. You're probably doing some wacky stuff. He's being silly. You've got to go in the 100s. You've got to go in the 120-degree room, and you've got to get some hot bitches around. All right, all right. That'll help. If that makes you, you can do anything. Yeah, it's like when those NBA players, you ever see those NBA players where they got like, oh, they got Kylie Jenner and Sidney Sweeney in the front row, and they're like, whoo, whoo, whoo, you know, they're doing like 360 windmill helicopter dunks, because they're like, I got some shits out of here. I got to impress. Exactly. If it's just you and Ari, I'd be like, yeah, I'm not even doing this at all. Yeah, I couldn't even touch my knee. How about Ari did this video? With Sarah in our basement. I'm like, what's this? Ooh. He's like, I need some contact. Can I do yoga? go with your wife in your basement while you're out of town? I'm like, what are you, nuts? It's a bad sentence. So anyways, he's got a huge dick, big balls. Big nose. His balls are so big, they're detrimental to his dick. That's true. He's got a huge pipe of a dick. He's got a solid dreidel. But his balls are so huge, no one even talks about it. That's true. That's why he just whips the balls out sometimes, because we don't even need the dong. Right. Well, anyways. The sides are bigger than the entree. Eugene Dong. This is one of the best episodes in history. I mean, this is historic. Dong story short. It's historic. What was I talking about? Oh, so I come out of the yoga class. I'm pouring sweat. All the chicks are getting dressed. And the instructor goes, hey, sorry I was hard on you in there. And I was like, me? And I realize that my speaking English was directed towards me. Oh. Because I didn't know. She's like, sorry I was riding you in there. And I was like, me? Oh, you were tired. But too busy looking at the rhino. She's like, I'm trying to protect your knee. Yes, exactly. I couldn't tell, because there was a dude in the whale, the squid in the whale next to me. So I didn't realize I was the one that was like, hey, am I speaking English over here? Oh, wow. But she apologized afterwards. I felt embarrassed. I was like, oh, jeez. Damn, what happened? You're usually pretty limber. Well, I'm limber, but I think I pointed my toes the wrong direction. Because another time she was like, don't change your foot unless I tell you to. And she's like, I was just looking out for your knees. And I'm like, well, don't worry about my knees, whatever. And my nephew. So anyways, I don't know if that's funny. Jeez, that's crazy. And you never think it's you. Because you go, look at this fat piece of shit. I'm all right. I'm going to skate through this. Well, you know, don't get me wrong. I'm no yoga expert. But I just thought, like, there's 50 people in the room. So what are the chances it's a reference to me? So I was like, boy, someone's getting in trouble over there. And then afterwards, she was like, sorry that I yelled at you, you dipshit. Well, by the way, again, much like the super, she's lucky you're a cool, laid back homie. Because you can't be going, you know English? To a fucking migrant out there. Exactly. Now that's offensive. Good point. I could have said, hey, well, fuck you. I got a learning disability, bitch. Ooh, that's good. I'm deaf in one ear. I like it. I'm dyslexic and have dyscalculia. Bingo. That's just a BL. Beautiful lineswoman. Yeah, yeah. Well, hey, I mean, I can't say that. Never mind. All right. Shit. If you can't say it on this episode, my God. Well, it's not offensive. It's big news. I'm not allowed by law to divulge. I'll tell you off air. I can't wait. You remind me, because I won't remember. You see Sal Volcano get popped? What? He got, you know, dragged. Oh, for what? You see this? I'm always worried about Sal. He seems pretty slight. It was slight, but he got, you know, he got attacked or whatever online. Not attacked, but, you know. He got, what do they call that? Frag? There's a word for it with the internet. He got zing, zag, zigzag, tallywag, give a dog a bone. No. He got, oh, what's the word for it? Oh, I ratioed. No, that's one of them, but it's, the kids say it. He got swatted. Swatted. Swatted. Swatted. I don't know swatted. Swatted's when they all come at you and just start fucking hitting you. Hey, you suck, kill yourself, cancel this guy. They swat you. That's what they call it. Because we got to stop saying cancel. Because it's always that one guy goes, Louis wasn't canceled, he's a millionaire. You're like, all right. It doesn't mean literally canceled like he's a TV show in the 80s. Right. It means he got in trouble or whatever. But, so he got swatted. Apparently, it's a crazy story. He put out a poster. He has a social media team because he's, you know, doing very well. And he put out a poster. Hey, this is my dates. And he said, put some sound on it, some music on it. I did hear about this. Sorry. Yes, yes, yes. TikTok auto-generated some, one of his queefs at home was like, put it out, automatic music. And it put a Nick Fuentes clip or like soundbite. How does that happen? I don't get it. I think it's just all generated soundbites. Hey, you got, play that funky music, white boy. And then you got Nick Fuentes. And then you got Andrew Tate. And then you got Tony Robbins. It's all sound. So, they put the Nick Fuentes. And it's like, I'm a real vinegar. I'll see you in hell, honky, bitch, fag. Gays should go to hell, whatever. And so, that's just Sal's poster. Come see me in my dates. And then, like, kill the N-words. Oh, boy. So, it was a bad look. So, everybody, rightfully so, everybody's like, what the hell is this? Why is he promoting himself with this? And he didn't even know he did it. So, then. So, it was like a glitch in the. It was a glitch in the matrix. Right. So, it just went out there. And he went to work and got laid. And had an ice cream cone. And he came back to his phone. He was like, holy shit, I'm a white supremacist. Boy, that's my worst nightmare. So, then he had to make a statement. And, you know. I picture him with a bunch of microphones in front of him. Yeah, exactly. Camera's going off. But the funny thing is, he got in a lot of trouble or whatever. He got some heat. But then I asked him about it. He goes, my tickets went way up. So, Eddie Press's good press is kind of real. I mean, unless you're a pedophile. I heard that about Chris Redd. Chris Redd did a big thing. I saw it. I saw that. And he was emotional. And someone was like, he added four shows. There you go. I did that bullshit prank show. Remember that? Where I had a guy come on stage? Yeah, I was terrified. I was worried about you. Terrifying. And I had two shows at the Beacon. It was one of these gifts from God. We sold one out. The other one was struggling. Very much struggling. It's a 3,000 seat theater. I think we sold like four tickets for the second show. That happened. It sold out. Crazy. I got to come up with something. I told Sean Murphy. Go watch Sean Murphy's special. It's on my YouTube. The killer comic. Funny guy. I was like, you got to go kill a dog in public. Do something. Strangle a baby. Fight a fat lady. Something. Maybe I'll chop my dick off. Ooh. Well, you know, that could help your career, too, if you get a wig. Good point. Uh-huh. Good point. So, yeah. So it's just been a. Chris Redd. That came out of nowhere. I still haven't seen it. I just heard someone was telling me about it in the green room at the stand. It was like, oh, my God. Huge. It's heavy. I mean, he's like, yeah, it was on pills. I sold a lot of pills. Don't worry. I'm not going to snitch on who, but I had a real problem. Wow. Well, good for him for getting things together. The weird thing was the pills were Adderall. And I was like, Adderall? That doesn't really, like, alter your choices. No one's like, I took Adderall, then I stole a cop's gun. I think if you did enough, right? I bet if you did six, seven Adderall, you'd start getting a little wacky, I imagine. I guess. You'd probably write a term paper and read the Koran. I don't know if you're going to. I think you're more focus-based. I never did anything. How many Adderall? Oh, I'll give you some. I'm okay. You would love it. I might need some Adderall. I can't focus on anything. I got 78 projects going on. They're all half-baked. I would say that's like a superpower. Don't do Adderall, because that'll calm you down, maybe. Right. They say if you have ADD, you take Adderall, you actually level out. I don't have ADD. I take Adderall, and I'm painting the barn. Right. Interesting. Yeah. I could learn, you know, physics. Like, Pheasox. Pheasox on Adderall, but yeah. So, good for Chris Redd for coming clean and all that, and then good for Sal for not being Nick Fuentes. Yeah. There's a good man. I got one last quick thing. We got time for it? Yeah. Oh, all right. Well, so, what day? Saturday. I was home this weekend. So, sometimes you wake up and you go, I got a fucking wild cunt hair up my asshole. I love it. I go, we're going to the. You know, we take turns waking up early. I come out, I'm dressed, I go, pack up, we're going out. We're going to the village, we're going to have a day. Sarah's like, it's going to rain. I'm like, I don't give a shit. It's not raining until 1 p.m. So, we get up, we go to the village. I'm like, I bought Sarah a gift card to Bedford Vintage over at the old, your neck of the way. Your old neck of the way. Bedford Bath and Beyond. What is that great bookstore on your old street? Three Lives or Three of Us Live? Yeah. Three Dog Night, whatever. Yeah. I guess you're not a bookstore guy. Three's a charm. Get in there. They're not the kind of guys that write letters, man. So, anyways, I go, we're going there. There's a playground. We'll go to La Bon Bear. La Bon, yeah. La Bon, great diner. And we'll go to the bookstore. We'll go to the vintage store. We'll do a big, all pipes before nap time. I love a big, all pipe. And you get to ride the subway. It's nice about a two-year-old. You go, we're going to the subway. It's the best day of his life. He's doing backflips. He's pissing in his own mouth. He can't wait. That's great. So, which to us is a nightmare. I've got to take the two all the way uptown. It's a local, whatever. I've got to take the one local. It's 15 stops. It's weekend service. But he's like, shit and come. He's never been happier. Piss in your mouth. He's Mark Kelly. Not bad. Let's take a swig. Take a risk. So, Bill Mark Kelly. Maybe that's a character. Next Halloween, yeah. Bill Mark Kelly. You know, he's very pompous. He pisses on the audience. That's not bad. You know, Islam, and he's pissing. Maybe you could do a movie. Maybe you could do R. Kelly, but it's Robert Kelly as R. Kelly. Oh, Robert R. Kelly. Robert R. Kelly. Maybe there's an R.F. Kennedy in there. R.F.K. Get everything going. The voice of a generation. So, we get it all together. We go, we're going to go. We go up to the playground. We play for a while, which is fun because it's a different neighborhood. It's just fun to change things up. Great thing about New York. Yeah, so it's awesome. So, we play in the playground. That's exciting. Different parents. Different women to look at. Hey, that's lunch. Then we work our way down. we go to the bookstore, we go to this store, we go to that store, and then I go find And they go, all right, Sarah's got a gift card. Let's go to the vintage store. Now, he can't stay in the vintage store long because he wants to break everything. He's grabbing earrings. He's doing this. So there's the Music Inn. You know the Music Inn? I love the Music Inn. Been there since the fucking 50s. Bob Dylan went there. Beautiful old music store. You walk in the first floor, and it's all guitars and mandolins and shit hanging. And it's a little scary because it's an old wooden place, and it's packed. It's cluttered. This is not like Guitar Center. It's cluttered, exactly. So I go, can he? I walk in, clang, clang, clang. And it's an old man who's 350 years old. Sitting in a chair with a big beard. Exactly. Beard past his asshole. And I go, can he be in here? And the guy's like, well, is he going to behave? Oh, jeez. I can't have him knocking stuff over and shitting and breaking the instruments and shitting everywhere. This is old New York. This ain't Sweet Green. Yeah. And I go, well, yeah, I'll hold him. I won't let him touch anything. Now, Marty, he's obsessed with instruments because we have three guitars in the house. I bought him bongos for Christmas. He loves every instrument. He knows the trombone. He knows everything. So we're into music over there. So he's already like, let me fucking, I want to play with everything. And he goes, why don't you take him downstairs? That's where all the percussion is. He can play with the stuff down there. Beat on something. So I go, OK. So we walk downstairs. Now, this is New York City. This is the oldest staircase. The staircase, the angle is like this. It's a 90 degree, it's almost like a ladder. So I'm carrying him. He's wiggling and excited. Yeah. It's one of these, watch your head. Oh, yeah. So you got to duck and hold on. And I go, OK. We make it down there. And it's bongos everywhere. Shakers, bongos, eggs. Kid heaven. There's a piano he's banging on. I posted on Joe List Photography, there's a bunch of photos of the place and a video. So he right away runs over to this old, it's like Home Alone. It's like a bunch of, what do you call that? Shelves. And the shelf has got all the. All the shaker eggs and rattly things. So we've been in there for four seconds. He goes, oh, eggs. And he goes to grab one. The whole shelf breaks. What the fuck? It was like Home Alone in Buster's room. Oh, my God. And it's percussion instruments. So it goes. It's like an Asian phone book. And he's just face down in the thing. And I'm like, oh, my God, this is historic. We're going to get thrown out. And I go, sorry. I don't hear anything from up there. It was perfect comedy. He just Chris Farley'd the thing. He's like, he's all right. He could have gotten hit with a big old snare. Well, he's totally fine. And then he just gets up and grabs the egg and just goes. And I mean, stuff is everywhere. So I had to be like, well, I'm fixing it. Don't you worry. Everything's good. It was within four seconds. Amazing. I mean, it was like perfect physical comedy. Well, you know they do an open mic down there. Yeah, there's chairs and everything down there. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. Not anymore. I got the whole setup. Wow, he trashed the joint. He just Farley'd it right away. For the guy's credit, he didn't come down or say anything. He didn't scream or nothing. So you just high-tailed out of there? No, no. I put it all back together. Okay. Because it was like a shelf that's like balancing on like two little screws. You kind of just put it back on and you put everything back in. Wow. But it was like, oh, my Christ. Then he was banging the piano and playing. They were very cool. We spent like 45 minutes down there. Oh, nice. And we ended up going back to the vintage. She hasn't made a decision. She hasn't tried anything on. She's just looking. And then we opened the door and he goes, that was fun. Which was great. Oh, that's cool. Imagine you had that on tape. Just that full shelf collapsing. It was perfect comedy, but it couldn't have been louder. I mean, not just a shelf, but a shelf filled with percussion instruments. Yes. Buzz's girlfriend. Woof. So that was beautiful. Did you see Marv got popped with a hooker? I saw that. And the same weekend, Timothy Busfield. Timothy Busfield. The pedophile. Oh, the actor. He's from 30-something and Field of Dreams, and he's been in other shit. Wow. So Marv was prostituting, huh? And every comment is sticky banded, wet banded, you know, blah, blah, blah. Well, poor guy. Poor guy. Daniel Stern is such a talent, too. And this is going to be part of his legacy. He's getting popped with a lady of the night. Could have played Kramer. That's one of my claims. I agree. One of the only guys that could have Kramer'd it up. Yeah, he was in Bushwhacked. What else was he in? Oh, yeah. Bushwhacked. Diner. Diner. He's great. He does the test to the woman. Celtic Pride? Oh, yeah. Celtic Pride. Yeah, yeah. It's him and Damon Wayans, isn't it? Did Colin Quinn write that? Yes, he did. Whoa. But I think it got all re-scooped up. They did a bunch of shit to it. Damn. Well, there you go, folks. I hope Marty's okay. I feel like we've been two hours long here. Are we not? 57. Oh, okay. 57 special. We've got to do some dates here. We've got to do the plugs now. Heinz 57. Heinz 57. Heinz 57 and French fried potatoes. Big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer. A bad beer. All right. Well, Chuck, when does this come out? Because we've had Lex here. I have no idea what month we're in. This comes out Monday. What? Yeah, the 19th. Holy shit. This comes out. They come out really quick. People always think we record in badges, but they come out quick. All right. Good. Good to know. We did a lot of topical. We did Marv. We did Sal. We did Vinegar. All right. Well, so then. And that's the case. That's the case that they gave me. Where am I? Oh, Thursday, I'm in Asheville at the Orange Peel. That thing's almost sold out. Who are you, Jack Johnson? Holy moly. You're like Bob Weir. R.I.P. R.I.P. Weir-y. And then Charlotte Funnybone or no? What is that? Comedy Zone. Comedy Zone. This weekend. Carolina this weekend. Asheville and Charlotte. January 31st, Atlantic City. Come to that. That's a big old fucking massive theater. Nobody bought tickets so far. AC's tough. Vegas with AIDS. Tough market down there. Air conditioning. And then I got a bunch of stuff coming up. I got Levittown, Long Island. I got, oh, San Francisco on Valentine's Day. 13, 14, 15, Cobbs. That's selling very well. Hell yeah. Vancouver, that's almost sold out. So get that. One night only Rio Theater. And a bunch of other stuff coming up. Long Island. Toledo. Damn. Quick run. Columbus. Funnybone. Yeah. Hell yeah. That's the best one. A bunch of other shit. Los Angeles. We're going to do a live Tuesdays. The Netflix Festival. That's at the Improv. Improv. Comedy Club. And then I'm headlining a show there. The 7th, also at the Improv. Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. Which is also funny because then I'm doing a spot on one of our friends' big theater shows that's paying double what my headlining show is, which is hilarious. Is that Burt? No. Okay. I said friends. Just kidding. Thai food. Cut that. Just kidding. Cut and print. Cut this motherfucker right here. I'm just not going to pee. All right. That's it. Oh, go buy the movie. Tom Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian. Hey, I'm in Oregon next week. In Bend and in Grand Ronde. That's almost sold out. New Jersey. New Brunswick. Stress Factory. Come on by. That's going to move. San Antonio. Yee-haw. Coming down there. Texas. Big room. LOL. Tulsa. Oklahoma. Never been there. For this comedy club. I've done a little theater there, but let's do Tulsa. And then I'm in Indianapolis, Buffalo, Spokane, Seattle. All kinds of fun dates. Queef it up. Get some Bodega Cat. Get on the Patreon. Checkles. It's a banger. What do you got? I thought you were in Spokane every six weeks, by the way. I haven't been to Spokane in years. Because I always hear Jeremy Spokane. Spokane. You know that's about a real kid? Of course I know that. Okay. Isn't that crazy? It's about Jeremy Renner. All right. What are you doing? What do you got there, Chuck Cheek? Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. We just started our Patreon, and it's doing a lot better than I expected. Whoa. Yeah. Glad to hear it. So go to funbearablepod.com. The link to the Patreon is right at the top of the page. We got a lot of fun stuff coming up and coming out on the Patreon. Hey, Chuck's coming out. You heard it here first, folks. We'll see you all in hell. Sorry, linguizamo. We love you, Johnny. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.